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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
4/24/2012 10:50:21 PM

Andy Thomas
Posts: 2
Hi guys. This is my first try at poem writing. I would appreciate as much critique and tips as possible. Also please note that English is not my native language so comments on grammar would be highly appreciated. Thanks!




Fall




As leaves were falling all around

And the gentle spirits of the fall awoke

I fell softly to the autumn ground,

As I lost my pretty Hope.




Alas Hope was really not her name,

But charming were those eyes of her.

Adventures brought me to her game,

Yet dreadful sins destroyed our flame.




But the leafy ground feels sweet,

As only silent heart-beat I can hear

And the velvet sky is all I see,

Only dreamy heights await me there.
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4/25/2012 12:50:58 AM

George Cavitt
Posts: 3
This was very well done, especially since English isn't your native language. Lines 3 and 4 of the second stanza are my favorite. Excellent use of words to convey your idea. There are only a few minor grammatical areas, but they are very small. An example is the second line in the last stanza. You might try something like "A silent heart-beast only I can hear." It's the same words (except I put an "a" instead of "as," but I think it flows better. One last thing, you might want to use another word other than silent in this line, because otherwise how can he hear it? Quiet, might be better. Unless the contradiction was the point in which case it is fine. Great job, made even more impressive by the fact it is your first poem and it is not in your native language.
edited by Saltu Fidei on 4/25/2012
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4/26/2012 3:08:58 PM

Andy Thomas
Posts: 2
Thanks a lot! I will surely fix these mistakes.
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4/30/2012 1:31:08 PM

Josie Whitehead
Posts: 7
I am not sure if you are trying to write with rhyme, but I see you have chosen many words that rhyme. In English poetry, rhyming poetry is often accompanied by four iambic feet, ie ti TUM ti TUM ti TUM ti TUM - and the last heavy beat would rhyme with the last heavy beat on the following line.



eg: As leaves were falling all around

And gently reached the frosty ground.




Then you would have another two lines which rhyme, eg:




The wicked wind whipped through the breeze

And blew still more leaves from the trees.




eg: As LEAVES were FALLing ALL aROUND

And GENTly REACHED the FROSTy GROUND




I write lots of poetry in this way, and if you Google JOSIE'S POEMS you will see some of them. I've also written many articles on this. If you Google Iambic feet, it will teach you about this.




Also popular in English poetry is 7 iambic feet, but usually poets break them up into four on one line and three on the second, with the rhyming word, and then 4 on the third line and 3 on the 4th line with the rhyming word. Go and see the poem I've just posted called New Dawn. This is exactly in this style. It is very popular in English poetry. I think you are trying very hard and I could not imagine how hard it would be for me to do a rhyming poem in another language. Well done!!!! Come and say hello in my guestbook on my website Neutrino. Are you Italian? It is Italian that I've learnt but I'd hate to write a poem in it. You are amazing!

--
They say that writing poetry keeps the mind young, but writing poems for children heads that I think.
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