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Home » High Critique » Two Tutus, Too

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/22/2010 10:07:15 AM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Two Tutus, Too by Joe Flach

Two tutus, too
Laying on the ground
Ballet slippers strewn all around
One complete wall with mirrored glass
Chattering girls waiting dismissal of class.

A gaggle of Moms waiting patiently
Knitting and needlepoint surrounding me
The one lone island of masculinity
I am the rare father who won custody.

I smile at my ballerina and she smiles back at me
We’ve been on our own ever since she was three
I just love being her Daddy
And don’t mind the role of also playing Mommy.

We stay a little longer at the end of class
She shows me her pliets in the looking glass
She smiles at my reflection and says, “I love you”
We pack up her slippers and the
Two tutus, too.
edited by jflach on 5/22/2010
edited by jflach on 5/22/2010
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5/23/2010 3:55:29 AM

frank herrera
Posts: 44
I think you have something here to be very proud of.
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5/24/2010 3:54:41 PM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Frank, thanks so much for your kind words. I have read many of your poems and am honored by your comments regarding mine.

I am open to others who wish to critique and help improve on this write. Thanks.
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5/28/2010 7:31:55 PM

Ruth Meyer
Posts: 4
I absolutely love this poem! The title caused me to read it. I have 2 young grand -daughters
taking ice skating lessons and their daddy takes them to lessons. This is one of my favorite poems.
I am new to Poetry Soup and look forward to learning from poems such as yours.
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6/21/2010 11:16:53 AM

James Marion
Posts: 10
General:
What you have here is a great start of and idea for a poem. I embrace poetry that takes something simple and makes it into an intense, emotional experience.

Having said that, poetry is never perfect. There are areas in your poetry that could use work.

First is the rhythmic structure. The syllabic count in the piece is scattered, making it difficult for the reader to get through it smoothly. Emphasis in poems such as this are typically On-Off-On-Off or On-Off-Off-On Off-On-Off-Off-On. This would not be a hard correction to make on your part, since you have given yourself a very sturdy foundation. For example:




Two tutus too, Laying on the ground

On-Off-Off-On On-Off-Off-Off-On

This structure is extremely awkward to read smoothly. By adding a word and removing part of another, the rhythmic control of the line can be vastly improved. Consider:

Two tutus too, Here lay on the ground

On-Off-Off-On Off-On-Off-Off-On




Specific:

"One...glass" - this line should be rearranged. How it is written, you are indicating that the wall is complete (as most walls are), and that the is mirrored glass somewhere. Though your message is understandable, the structure of the sentence makes a reader think twice, which you never want to do in a poem with rhythm.

"Gaggle" - I understand any poets natural tendency towards descriptions and nouns that are unusual. However, "gaggle" and "waiting patiently" don't really seem to sit well together. A "gaggle" would characterize, to me, a group of mothers who were pecking nervously around the children waiting for them to finish.

"Knitting" and "needlepoint" surrounding the narrator, although a refreshing idea, doesn't make terrible sense under scrutiny. I would recommend you forgo the tendency to be mystical and simply address the women who are knitting and doing needlepoint.

"I just... playing Mommy." These two lines, though they do a decent job of bringing up the emotion that each should have, are a mess rhythmically. The first line is far shorter than anything in the rest of the piece, and it does not contrast with second well.

Just as a matter of style, it is not necessary to put "Two tutus, too" on a separate lines to emphasize that is is also the title of the poem. On the contrary, any reader even slightly attentive will notice the title immediately.
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