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Home » High Critique » Why Can't I?

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/16/2010 1:41:04 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
with sad choices,Oh Sad Voices, crying in the night
weeping pain, they cry in vain, they weep in sorrow, why can't I?
Piercing shrieks, they find their peak, within my heart
within my soul, they consume my insides, Consume me whole
Weeping Children, dying night, lives are ending before they start.
I hear their voices, I hear their pain, I hear them reaching for life again, they weep forever, they weep their plight, weeping in sorrow, Why Can't I?

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/16/2010 1:42:32 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
I don't know if it's that good since people ignore it.
I know it's not the happiest poem in the world since I wrote it when I was very distraught.
But Sad or not I still gave birth to something and I really wish to know if this is a joyous birth or a tragic one.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 8:46:54 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Hi Michael, I think this is really a joyous birth. What do you think of this....

With sad choices, Oh Sad Voices, crying in the night.
Weeping pain, they cry in vain, they weep in sorrow,
why can't I?
Piercing shrieks, they find their peak within my heart,
children weep.
Within my soul, they consume my insides, Consume me whole.
Weeping Children, dying night, lives are ending in sorrow's plight.
I hear their voices, I hear their pain, I hear them reaching for life again.
They weep forever, they weep their plight, weeping in sorrow.
Why Can't I?

I don't know if that has been of much help, it is up to you to decide. It is a realyl excellent poem whether you make changes or not.
Catie
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5/17/2010 11:07:15 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
your revision is interesting...but I can't change it..because those words came from my heart and Lives are ending in sorrow's plight...doesn't reflect what my pain was...it was a direct response to all to all the children dying...I meet some amazing young people online...and it thrills me that they will be our hope...these amazing kids can save this world with their compassion and intelligence...then I go back online and find news that they had died.

It flat out destroyed me.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 11:54:55 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Now I understand, yes, it would be devastating. so sad. Catie
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5/17/2010 1:42:09 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
The heart may sing the loudest song but it's song may weep the same.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 5:09:05 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
Again I only see a couple of small changes. I stumbled over two lines. cheers margaret



they consume my insides,-----theyeat me up

lives are ending before they start.------lives areending ere they start
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5/17/2010 5:12:51 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Margaret I don't understand what you mean.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/17/2010 9:53:56 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
Sorry to confuse you Micheal. I like your poem , I only found when I read it I stumbled over a couple of words in the flow. my suggestion was to replace a few words. I stress this is just my opinion.





with sad choices, Oh SadVoices, crying in the night
weeping pain, they cry invain, they weep in sorrow,
why can't I?

Piercing shrieks, they find their peak, within myheart
within my soul, they eat me up, Consume me whole
Weeping Children, dying night, lives are ending
ere theystart.

I hear their voices, I hear their pain, I hearthem reaching for life again,
they weep forever, they weep their plight,weeping in sorrow,
Why Can't I?
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5/17/2010 9:55:38 PM

Margaret Foster
Posts: 6
I don't understand why some of the words are running together when I post . sorry Margaret
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5/18/2010 8:41:40 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Yeah...but a lot of people won't understand ere...I've used it before...but I made this poem as a pure mass of emotion...it probably has some mistakes...but it breaks my heart to change any of it...knowing what inspired it.

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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