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Home » High Critique » Lavender Children

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/10/2010 8:26:02 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
If I could paint a poem
I'd use shades of indigo blue
Amethyst, emerald and diamond too.
If a poem I could crochet,
I'd crochet the perfect lace,
flower petals gracing the boarders,
(Pink centers and lots of sage.)

White, let the white find color
Let the blue dance with crystal grace
Let diamonds scatter the light
Of lavender children at play.
Laugh, Oh laugh!
Dance on, dance on!
Lavender children at play.

If I could shine a poem
It would be the perfect reflection
Of the light that dances in their eyes.
A poem's perfect reflection.
I paint, crochet,
dance in the light,
to find the voice
that is my own.

So let the white find color
Let the blue dance with crystal grace
Let diamonds scatter the light
Of lavender children at play.
Laugh, Oh laugh!
Dance on, dance on!
Lavender children at play.
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5/10/2010 8:28:50 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
This one needs work, as I see it the lines

I paint, crochet,
dance in the light,
to find the voice
that is my own.

really have to go, anyone got any suggestions?
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5/18/2010 4:30:09 PM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Hmm you've definately isolated a problem area...I don't know if I can be much help today since I have a huge headache...but I'll try my best.


If I could shine a poem
It would be the perfect reflection
Of the light that dances in their eyes.
A poem's perfect reflection.
Their reflection stares back
and dances in the light,
I paint the light goldenrod, the lavender then glows
Then I hold their childish hands and paint them all a home
Walls are strewn with emerald, the violet mistletoe
I crochet, a parapet flank it 'pon the home
I gaze upon this wondrous scene, wonder how I did
lavender children, lavender children I see them start to sing.

- It's not good I know...I couldn't recreate your flow..

  And this headache is just making thinking a pain.
  I might try again...later...I hope you fix this.
edited by Apocapus on 5/18/2010

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/19/2010 10:00:04 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I like your ideas, Michael, Thanks! You've given me something to work with.
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5/19/2010 12:26:19 PM

Joe Flach
Posts: 15
Catie,
I would suggest you try to mimic the first stanza somewhat and come up with another "If I could..." verse.

In the first verse you say, "If I could paint a poem... // If a poem I could crouchet..."
Maybe in this verse you say, "If I could shine a poem...// If a poem I could ________"

It's like a word problem: paint is to crouchet as shine is to ?

Figure out what the ? is and build on that.

Just a suggestion.

Joe
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5/19/2010 4:02:07 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thanks Joe, for your good ideas.
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5/19/2010 10:08:42 PM

Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
To be honest, I really like the flow of this poem and the rhythm of each stanza, definitely liked the second stanza and how the end stanza gave a flashback of it.

My only concerning is something more particular...

I'd crochet the perfect lace,

a
nd

It would be the perfect reflection

The use of "perfect" is not advisable in this poem, it becomes too personal and subjective. The movement of your piece is very vivid as if you (the poet) is actually an artist painting, showing the us (the viewer) how the poem actually looks like. But putting subjective/relative words like "perfect" invites the reader into an artwork which would be better worked by the artist alone.

I guess this is minor but if ever you feel the need to improve it, may I suggest putting more "visuals" in replace of the line (a metaphor or a simile)... like:

It would be a reflection of summer
brushing in the wind and
dancing in the waves... etc.

Just a suggestion of course.
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5/20/2010 5:49:00 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thanks, Spade! I am going to be re-working this one today, and I've gotten some really good advice. Thank you for your suggestion. Catie
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