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Home » High Critique » Wrestling Rabbits and Dreams

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/9/2010 7:28:31 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I gasp in his waters, awaiting composure,
and I am found wanting, wanting more
of his ebb and flow that washes away
my brazen a Capella of identity
that I cling too like a rabbit
clings to her virginal, white fur.
It's autumn, and in the calm before the storm,
when the last rays of a dying sun have set
and a dubious wind picks up, echoing
"Failure!
Failure!"

Brazenly I step out of the paleness of my skin
as my heart ventures forth, unprotected and insecure.
It's the loins of madness in a manic ache,
"Oh Woman...
Oh Woman of the Skies...
Calm....
Calm."
His waters fall soft and warm.
I bathe in his falls of light,
warming me, caressing me, touching me,
I give up this good night.

Oh, Don't touch me without love!
Don't touch me without love.

In the warmth of his firelight crackling,
his voice collective, stimulating, calming, divine.
He reads me the poem of him,
And I dream...
Oh, how I dream.

Chasing my dreams into sleep
before the cold winds of failure
swoop down on me of She-wolves.
"Oh, they will come,
They WILL come."
And I wrestle that rabbit for the purpose of fur.

I sleep with my head on his lap
and as he bows to kiss my blush
the harsh winds slow and falter
while I sleep like reflections on calm water,
And I dream...
Oh, how I dream.

edited by Catie on 5/22/2010
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5/10/2010 8:44:14 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Okay... I never seem to get comments on this one, whats up, is it offensive? I really did work hard on this one, it is about loving a man whom all the girls hit on, and the feeling of cold that ensues. Catie
edited by Catie on 5/10/2010
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5/13/2010 9:12:29 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
It isn't offensive...I can't really find flaws...you obviously spent a lot of time editing or you just nailed it on the first try.
I have so many poems no one has even read...I sometimes wonder if they are offensive or challenging to one's beliefs so no one bothers....

--
The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/14/2010 3:44:27 PM

Mac McGovern
Posts: 9
Catie,
I guess, when we write a poem we really believe is a great poem, we immediately question if if really is great. Why we doubt our creativity is the great unkown. I read your poem 3 time. Each time I read, I gained more appreciation for your talent. I find nothing in your poem that does not inspire the reader to want more. You have produced a poem that is powerful in its creativity; with imagery that thrusts the reader into the moment, and only releases at its conclusion. I love your poem and would change nothing. I find when I write a poem which I beleive is good, and it gets little attention, I change the format to either make it easier to read or grab attention. It usually works. Thanks for shring your wonderful poem and for providing me an engaging experience through the eyes of a talented poet.

--
Mo matter what you write, someone will love it.
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5/16/2010 3:14:20 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thanks Mac! I appreciate your comment! Catie
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7/1/2010 9:23:43 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
any more suggestions.... Catie
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9/1/2010 12:59:05 PM

Cas Davis
Posts: 2
Wow, I say dido to Mac's comment which was poetry in and of itself. I think your poem has a very rich texture, Catie. Lot's of talent
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9/8/2010 9:55:20 AM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Thanks, Cas! Catie
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9/8/2010 7:29:48 PM

John Taylor
Posts: 6
the only suggestion I have for change is to take out or change the word "brazenly" in the twelfth line, since "brazen" appears in the fourth. My other suggestion is just to write more pieces like this. I could hardly keep the goosebumps off my arm while I was reading it. Some of the lines which I found particularly strong (for any poem, not just this one) were:

"...I cling too like a rabbit
clings to her virginal, white fur."'

"Oh, Don't touch me without love!"'

"Chasing my dreams into sleep..."'

"And I wrestle that rabbit for the purpose of fur.'''

"...I sleep like reflections on calm water,
And I dream...
Oh, how I dream.
"

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9/15/2010 6:42:43 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
Your right, John, i didn't realize that I had used a variation of the word twice, I shall have too consider a new word, I shall have to think on it awhile. Thanks for your comments and suggestion. Catie
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