Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership


See and share Beautiful Nature Photos and amazing photos of interesting places


Poetry Forum

Home » High Critique » poem.....

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
10/22/2010 6:44:50 PM

Eleanore Bourner
Posts: 17
Choking and pulling down
Into the water that I may drown
This sorrow and agony
Taking hold and over me
I try to scream but am unable to
I try to reach out to you
Darkness and pain begins to appear
How hard I cry without shedding a tear
My heart twisted and torn to shreds
Leaving me now feeling dead
Pulled down underneath

please tell me if it's ok....
edited by eleanore13 on 10/22/2010
permalink • reply with quote
10/26/2010 6:54:11 AM

Charles Melody (Lightning Ink)
Posts: 1
eleanore13 wrote:
Choking and pulling down
Into the water that I may drown
This sorrow and agony
Taking hold and over me
I try to scream but am unable to
I try to reach out to you
Darkness and pain begins to appear
How hard I cry without shedding a tear
My heart twisted and torn to shreds
Leaving me now feeling dead
Pulled down underneath

please tell me if it's ok....
edited by eleanore13 on 10/22/2010


yea,its far too ok.

--
Charles melody
permalink • reply with quote
11/21/2010 11:12:52 AM

Reason A. Poteet
Posts: 7
Choking and pulling down
Into the water that I may drown
This sorrow and agony
Taking hold and (suffocating) me
I try to scream but am unable to
I try to reach out to you
Darkness and pain begins to appear
How hard I cry without shedding a tear
My heart twisted, (I hold on to each shred)
Leaving me now feeling dead
Pulled down underneath

Two suggestions to consider. (see above) Also since you've chosen to not use punctuation, I would leave off the capital letters, unless you just happen to like them...just a matter of consistency. But it is your nature, go for it. Substantial piece on suffocation, overwhelming feelings of helplessness. I like the rhyme and the use of lines instead of prose.
edited by Reason A. Poteet on 11/21/2010
permalink • reply with quote

Home » High Critique » poem.....





Powered by AspNetForum 6.6.0.0 © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software