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Home » High Critique » The Ring

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/8/2010 7:55:26 PM

John Taylor
Posts: 6
Wringing out the rosies;
(I was reared by retrogression-
pockets full of pretty posies.)
I'm obsessed with dispossession.

I'm ashing in my ashtray- airing my aggression.
I'm falling for a cliche- careless in confession.

Why can't we all join hands,
twirl ourselves around,
and sing as though we understand?
We all fall down.

The ring around us closes,
reeling in recession.
Pocket-picking poses
profess my own profession.

I'm ashes in my ashtray; added by accession.
I'm falling for a light gray impression of expression.

Why can't we all join hands,
twirl ourselves around,
and sing as though we understand?
We all fall down.
We will all return to the Earth-
We all find our home in the ground.
The cycle of death, and of birth,
is a ring that is perfectly round.

The womb from which we arose,
is the tomb in which we'll be closed.
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9/15/2010 6:49:59 PM

Catie Lindsey
Posts: 77
I love how you have incororated the child's song, it makes a perfect statement. You have kept the focus through out andthe use of 'We all fall down' actually reads more than one way which adds interest to the poem, and in perfect closing you ended the poem. Very nice. Catie
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9/17/2010 9:38:55 PM

reyhan yucebay
Posts: 1
good work John.
Sincere as beatifull
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9/18/2010 2:15:34 AM

John Taylor
Posts: 6
Thank you both, so much, for your kind words.
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11/19/2010 9:10:23 AM

HONESTY OIMBO
Posts: 3
I Must say that it sounds a good poem of some identifiable rhythm. but the way the rhyme has been handled spoils even the tone of the poem because the rhyme which to me feel has been imposed impractically creates a mood of some kind of fatal incipient defiance by the poet to bring out the real intentiion of writing this poem.

--
hon
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11/20/2010 5:48:43 PM

John Taylor
Posts: 6
I was concerned about the rhyme scheme coming off unnaturally. I was a songwriter before I REALLY got in to writing poetry (which was just about a year or two ago), so I'm still working on not being as vague in my poems as was beneficial in my lyrics. Thanks for the honest feedback.
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