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Home » High Critique » punched in face by fist in face

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/7/2010 5:20:26 PM

Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
errrr strings burst from sirens
lights strobe in our ears blinding us
i can hardly listen to speaking mumbles
a heavy bass resonates between us
down another drink upside down
yeah thats quite entertaining to millions
not so funny on your own

ooppps punched in face by fist in face
blood falls out of face that has been punched by fist
blood from face falls on floor fist removes from face
placed down by bodies side
unclenches

night ends on sticky floors
fight ends before it began
light comes on
get out get out
homeward bound i headed
alone again naturally
another great night some would say

my head will not agree with my stomach in the morning
neither will its contents
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5/8/2010 8:57:03 AM

Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
i guess the fact no-one has been critical of this means its perfect. just as i thought. lol
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5/8/2010 2:14:21 PM

Matt Caliri
Posts: 4
I'd take out the inner commentary within the poem...by that I mean everything that isn't a clear description o the pain or the sequenceof actions...which are by far the best parts of the poem...

fr example, I'd x the following: "yeah thats quite etertaining...funny on your own," and "Homeward bound I headed....neither will its contents"

Those step-back-and-evaluate lines ten to slow or full-on break the stride of the piece...and I suspect, with the strength and visceral imagery and description of your meat-and-potatoe lines (those dealng more intimately with the violent moments) subtracting the lesser-impact lines will bring this even more to life...
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5/8/2010 3:44:54 PM

Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
thanks for the suggestions matt. i've done another version of it now

errrr strings burst from sirens
lights strobe in our ears blinding us
i can hardly listen to speaking mumbles
a heavy bass resonates between us
down another drink upside down
countdown to rundown

ooppps punched in face by fist in face
blood falls out of face that has been punched by fist
blood from face falls on floor fist removes from face
placed down by bodies side
unclenches

screaming idiots covered in plasma
laugh silently
punch angrily
die readily

night ends on sticky floors
fight ends before it began
light comes on
get out get out

any better?
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