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Home » High Critique » Darkness

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
8/29/2013 9:00:32 AM

Simoriah Hairomis
Posts: 1
when you're fast asleep
and thoughts creep into your head
and flood your brain until it weeps
and your mind descends dark and deep
into a land of dead end worlds
where the only way out
is the way you came in
but the road is way too steep
and your feet are made of lead
and every smile is just pretend
and nothing is to be believed
and you're going off the deep end
bleeding rivers of hatred
into a pool of shallow deceit
where every thought is colored red
and every shade of black completes
every nightmare ever conceived
born of blood-stained dreams within dreams
where that person you used to be
is falling into skies of silent screams
and contemplating death
all the while wishing
to be alive again
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8/30/2013 3:42:43 PM

scott thirtyseven
Posts: 12
Nice topic. I enjoyed this read well done. But I'd be cautious about all the "and's", three of your first four lines start with "and". You could try "Flooding..." instead of "and flood...".
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