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Home » High Critique » FAMILY MAN

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
8/12/2013 5:07:57 PM

thomas clark
Posts: 2
I WAS SITTING IN THE GUTTER
WEARING WORN OUT CLOTHES

MY POCKETS WERE EMPTY

EXCEPT FOR THE HOLES

MY SHOES TOOK IN THE RAIN

AND LET OUT MY TOES

PEOPLE WOULD PASS ME

WITH TURNED UP NOSE

COS THEY DON,T KNOW MY STORY

DONT KNOW HOW IT GOES







I WAS ONCE LIKE THEY ARE

I HAD A WIFE AND TWO KIDS

BUT THEY DIED IN A CAR CRASH

SO MY LIFE HIT THE SKIDS

SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER

DAY AFTER DAY

JUST PASSING MY LONELIEST

HOURS AWAY




PEOPLE KEEP PASSING

WITH A FROWN ON THEIR FACE

WHISPERING LOOK AT THAT DRUNK

HE,S SUCH A DISGRACE

YET I HAVEN,T BEEN DRINKING

SINCE THAT TERRIBLE NIGHT

WHEN I TURNED THE CAR OVER

AND THE PETROL CAUGHT ALIGHT

MY WIFE AND TWO KIDS

WERE ASLEEP IN THE REAR

THEY DIDN,T STAND A CHANCE

YET I WAS THROWN CLEAR




PEOPLE KEEP ON PASSING

SOME THROW NICKLES AND DIMES

WHY DO THEY PAY ME

FOR MY TERRIBLE CRIMES




SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER

SOMETIMES I PRAY

THAT DEATH WILL COME QUICKLY

AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY

FOR I,VE MADE DEATH MY FRIEND NOW

HE CAN RELIEVE ME OF MY PAIN

AND SEND ME UP TO HEAVEN

TO BE A FAMILY MAN AGAIN
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8/24/2013 6:13:48 AM

thomas clark
Posts: 2
will someone please give me some views and opinions on my poem family man
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8/25/2013 5:31:18 PM

scott thirtyseven
Posts: 12
Just thinking aloud, but I'm not real keen on your rhyme kids & skids. Seems a little to easy, and possibly too cheesy. If you skidded into the gutter where you now sit, then maybe??? "...hit the skids/ sliding into this gutter/ where day after day...". Please let me know what you think.
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8/25/2013 6:48:46 PM

Sharon Morken
Posts: 133
I like this. I'm actually not huuge on reading poetry because to me it seems too many try too hard. This seems like it was a therapeutic write for you..not sure if it's from personal experience or not, but regardless, I like it. Wording and all. Has an organic feel to it.



Cheers,

Sharon
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