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I've always wanted to title my "Bio", "Highlights of a Low-Life" and I'll be damned if I didn't Google that title and it has already been used by someone  else. Figures!

So, here's a bit about me: my name is Chan Hurst. I've been writing poetry,  short-stories, essays and memoirs for 25 years. My forte, though, is "Rhyme"  and I consider it to be the only "true" form of poetry. I know: quite a  debatable, controversial and fascist belief, but this is my fervent conviction,  for which I am unapologetic and shall never waver.

My greatest poetic  influences include Poe, Shelley, Keats and Dickinson. If you are looking for  "odes to nature" or "grandma" or some other mundane topic, I am definitely NOT  the poet to read. I write what's in my Soul, and stay true to my  aesthetic.

I'm 35, gay, partnered for the past 5 years and married in my  own mind and heart. I have 5 children: 2 dogs and 3 cats. I am physically and  mentally disabled, suffer from numerous mental illnesses, am an addict/alcoholic  who also suffers with chronic pain. I'm a highly opinionated introvert with a  staggering IQ (I'm not modest when it comes to intelligence). What you are about  to read now is a paper I wrote as an introduction about myself to my fellow  classmates in one of my many failed attempts at higher  education:

    I am of the opinion that unless you are  some kind of celebrity, no one wants to hear your life story.  Since I find  99.9% of the human race utterly uninteresting, I have no desire to hear about  your plights or triumphs so I don’t expect you to want to hear mine. I’m a  misanthropist, damn it. A jaded Cynic. Would you expect anything less?

 Ok, OK! You asked for it. You want to know so badly? Well, then, I’ll  tell you. I’m a self-professed geek. Yes, I acknowledge as much. It seems that  in today’s age, being a geek is much more chic and “in” than it used to be.  Thank goodness media expands our limits and perceptions of “coolness”. I mean,  hats off to such influences as “Big Bang Theory”, right? You remember all those  reasons you made fun of nerds and geeks in school? Yeah, well, apply them to me.  And may the Force be with you as you live long and prosper. Insert “smiley face”  emoticon.

 Now I will cryptically and enigmatically tell you how un-exactly deep  my well of coolness allegedly is. This will all sound pretty flakyy so feel free  to roll your eyes or LOL wherever you see fit.  Ok, you ready? Thought not,  but here we go anyway: I am that person, that friend of a friend of a friend,  who has seen and experienced the most indescribably incredible things your mind  can fathom on dark and stormy nights.  I’ve had the kind of close  encounters that those weird people on TV swear and attest are true. I’ve  underwent the kind of mind-blowing revelations that those levitating Tibetan  monks or jungle medicine men have probably known for eons. A hit of Timothy  Leary on the end of your tongue on a bright and sunny spring day brings the  universe and life into perspective. But so does walking in the Shoes of  Insanity!

 What else? Hmmmmm. Ok, well, like many of you, I’ve had a number of  adventures in my 34 years on earth. Like what? Patience, young Padawan; I’m  getting to that. For example: I lived overseas with the Kiwis for a time in New  Zealand. I’ve lived high on the hog, but also roamed skid row (but not with  Sebastian Bach). My fashionable myriad of mental maladies have shown me the  inside of The Cuckoo’s Nest on more than one occasion. I’ve nearly died more  times than I can attempt to count. I have climbed the heights of pure Nirvana  and suffered tragedy of the Shakespearean kind. I’ve had organs removed and a  toe amputated. Loved and lost; hated and gained. I’ve been locked up, tied down  and shot at. Just to name a few...    

 I mean, so I got kicked out of a private Christian school in the tenth  grade; hasn’t that happened to everyone? Is going to class on acid really that  big of a deal in the grand scheme of things? Does it really matter that I almost  killed an up and coming country music star back in the 90’s? Or that I used to  dabble in the occult and dress like Dracula? Why are you shaking your head at  me? Who are you, Saint Peter?

 Like most of you, I’ve had various careers over the years; everything  from the educator of your children (I know, someone did indeed drop the ball  when they hired me) and street pharmacist (the money was good!). Years ago, I  enjoyed being the night manager at a hotel (so what if I routinely fell asleep  and slept with the guests?). Once, I had the distinct displeasure of working for  UPS as a truck loader (if any of your packages got smashed or were lost, I  apologize). I’ve been a cashier one too many times (my bad if you got  short-changed). Flipped my share of burgers (what do you mean yours was “raw”?).  In 2006 I worked with the criminally insane (I know, right up my alley!) but  quit two weeks later after I was nearly choked to death. Yeah, I’ve done a  little of everything. What am I doing now you ask? Wouldn’t you like to  know!

Oh, lest I forget, can I get an “AMEN!” if you, too, have perpetrated  embarrassing acts that made your father wince and your mother cry? Can I get a  “HELL YEAH!” if you’ve partied too much and wound up in the slammer or  slept with someone who looked much better when you were drunk? Can I get a fist  bump from all my fellow “He-Whores” and “Jessebels”? No? What a bunch of prudish  pansies! Like I’m the only one who’s gotten too loaded and told everybody I  could play the bongos with my feet? Don’t act like you’ve never passed out in  public or urinated on the side of a church!

 Like everybody else, I could go on and on, yadda yadda yadda with some  blah blah blah, but I think you get the gist of it. I'm a weirdo; a freak and  geek, but damn proud of it. I am unconventional, controversial, unorthodox and  fascist. Hope that's not a problem for you lol.

 

 


Inappropriate Laughter: A Series of Short but Embarrassing Memoirs


Blog Posted:2/17/2014 4:22:00 PM
Poor old Margaret had meant well, she honestly did. Sometimes when you don't know what to say or do, the stupidest or most absurd things come out of a person's mouth. I should know: I am the world's worst for laughing at something at the exact wrong time. Here are three examples:

My grandmother had just died and we were all in a state of mourning, naturally, but she had been sick for a long time and her death did not come as a shock. Well, mamaw's best friend Margaret had been at the house right after she died quietly at home, just a few minutes before the ambulance arrived. She desperately wanted to say something comforting to my grandfather, and she said, no joke: "Oh, H.B., (what everyone called my papaw) she'll make a beautiful corpse!". Truth is truly funnier and stranger than fiction. Initially, I was absolutely SHOCKED that this came out of her mouth. Like I said, I know she had meant well, but besides your standard "I'm so sorry", etc. what does one say in an attempt at endearing, sincere condolences? Certainly not something about "beautiful corpses", but even in my doleful/baleful condition, this struck me as deeply hilarious at the most inappropriate time ever to laugh. I had to excuse myself to go outside and smoke lest I erupted in morbid laughter right there in front of my grief-stricken family and family friends. Lord have mercy on Margaret; I know she was only trying to say something meaningful but ended up tickling my funny bone instead. Ironic how something can be both tragic and hilarious, simultaneously.

Second example: I had just landed this job as an onsite job coach for MRDD (developmentally disadvantaged) individuals to help them maintain their jobs and keep them focused and on task. An aid, basically. First day on the job, we had "sensitivity" training. So myself, in addition to two more recently hired colleagues, our bosses and several MRDD clients were watching this movie about "handicaps" and "disabilities". Well, this one scene popped up on the screen and it was straight out of an old black and white silent movie where these blind men with Ray Charles glasses and walking canes come crashing through this store's front door windows, just bursting glass everywhere. God, I don't know what came over me, but for some reason, I found this to be terribly comical and humorous and I started giggling. I tried my damndest not to, I swear. Given the surroundings and situation I was in, this was, as before, the completely worst time to get the "church giggles", you know, the kind of giggling that ultimately leads to ensuing hilarity and uncontrollable laughter? I tried coughing, I tried thinking the most horrid thoughts imaginable (more on this in a moment) to supress it to no avail. I must have come across as a total A-hole, I just know it. People were giving me scornful looks and glares that could stop traffic. It was awful. I immediately excused myself to the bathroom upstairs where I could get myself under control.

The final example may paint me in an unfortunate light; possibly the worst person on the planet because it gets much worse from here. But when something's funny, I can't help but to have a fit; so sue me.

I don't remember why Jill and I agreed to it, but our friend Hilary invited us to a teen church "sleep over" with all her Christian buddies. I would guess there were about twenty or so of us kids that went over to these people's house, played games, etc. having good clean Christian fun. Jill and I dabbled in the occult and we were definitely not Christians and we certainly did not look like good Christian kids (see my pic from high school in my "Bio" section for confirmation.) We also took along an awesome Halloween prop (don't ask me why; we were cynical pseudo-Satanic kids) of a vampire that jumped out of his coffin and exclaimed in a typical Transylvanian accent: "Velcome. Ve've been vaiting for you!". At the time, it was hysterical to us and we had named this vampire "Jerry" for whatever reason so we took Jerry with us. That's not even the most inappropriate part. As I mentioned, we are at these people's house who are total strangers to us and we are spending the night in their house. Right smack dab in the middle of this big, serious prayer, here scoots this baby. Just right out of the blue comes this baby and I will never forget what she looked like and what she did. She had curly brownish hair, wearing only a shirt and diaper. We are right in the midst of this long-ass serious prayer and Jill and I were the only ones with our eyes open (rolling them at each other) and our heads not bowed. As we exchanged these cynical, contemptuous looks at one another, along scoots this baby on the floor, and I don't mean just scooting, but going to town on this floor, scoot, scoot, rubbing along, obviously in an enjoyable fashion (if you get my drift.) Jill and I are the only ones seeing it and we know exactly what she's doing. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned, the ensuing hilarity and literal church giggles started between us. We couldn't stop. So blah blah blah Dear Lord Jesus please etc. here comes this little precious cherub scooting and rubbing all over the carpet just a gettin' it and we are overcome with laughter. Jill pinched me so hard and whispered so intently and seriously in my ear, "Think of your mother dying!" and that did nothing but incite more laughter. We could just feel everyone's energy of being irritated and annoyed with us for interrupting this very heavy prayer with abrupt and uncontrollable laughter. What could we do? It was well beyond side-splitting hilarious!

That is why, to this date, whenever I am about to burst out laughing at the worst possible moment, I always try to conjure horrible thoughts to combat it, all thanks to Jill. Perhaps I am indeed despicable and awful, but I can't help it if it's funny and I laugh. Nothing makes me happier or laugh harder than to see someone trip, fall or get balls bounced off their heads. So I'm evil; lynch me ;)

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  1. Date: 2/18/2014 9:38:00 PM
    Hilarious, my friend!! : D

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    That Archaic Poet Avatar Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/19/2014 8:52:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thanks for stopping by and for the read and compliment, Ruben :)
  1. Date: 2/18/2014 9:36:00 PM
    Hilarious, my friend!! : D

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  1. Date: 2/18/2014 11:34:00 AM
    well, i reall have to belch this one out but hopefully by faking a cough.. lol..

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    That Archaic Poet Avatar Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/18/2014 12:26:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    lol Thanks for stopping by and for the read, Nette :)
  1. Date: 2/18/2014 10:15:00 AM
    Oh mercy...that IS funny. Don't feel bad..I woulda laughed too!!! Love your stories, Chan.

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    That Archaic Poet Avatar Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/18/2014 10:58:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thanks, Caleb! I'm glad a few people enjoy them; I love telling them and have a boatload more to write. I find myself in the strangest situations sometimes. Thanks for popping in and for the read and awesome reply :)
  1. Date: 2/18/2014 7:20:00 AM
    Masterful as always my friend Chan!

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    That Archaic Poet Avatar Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/18/2014 9:43:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thanks, Craig; you can't get a better review than that :)
  1. Date: 2/17/2014 6:22:00 PM
    This is funny and I know how it is to get the giggles inappropriately. And there is nothing one can do about it. I enjoyed your tale Joyce

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    That Archaic Poet Avatar Just That Archaic Poet Date: 2/17/2014 7:14:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thanks so much for stopping by, Joyce. I appreciate the read and thoughtful reply :)

My Past Blog Posts

 
What's So Phunny?
Date Posted: 8/20/2014 12:32:00 PM
In Out Up Down
Date Posted: 8/20/2014 1:11:00 AM
Salutations, my dear friends!
Date Posted: 8/9/2014 12:51:00 PM
Trouble-Makers!
Date Posted: 3/26/2014 11:19:00 AM
Through the Looking Glass
Date Posted: 3/21/2014 2:00:00 PM
I'm Ready for My Close Up, Mr. DeMille!!!!!
Date Posted: 3/18/2014 5:22:00 PM
Artpocalypse PentaStar
Date Posted: 3/3/2014 1:28:00 PM
So Mad I Can't See Straight!!!!! : Seeing Stars
Date Posted: 2/20/2014 11:35:00 AM
Inappropriate Laughter: A Series of Short but Embarrassing Memoirs
Date Posted: 2/17/2014 4:22:00 PM
New/Old Collage Art Piece :)
Date Posted: 2/12/2014 12:39:00 AM
More Pentagram/Optical Art
Date Posted: 2/8/2014 4:20:00 AM
You Wanna Know Something that Gets on My Nerves?
Date Posted: 2/3/2014 12:30:00 PM
Bionic Betty: Another True Tale from the Mental Ward!
Date Posted: 1/28/2014 10:13:00 PM
Memoir: Crashing "Women's Studies"; Feminists, BEWARE! lol
Date Posted: 1/25/2014 1:42:00 PM
My Pentagram Art; let me know what you think! :) ~Chan
Date Posted: 1/16/2014 6:08:00 AM
THE KING AND MASTER OF POETRY!!!!! KNEEL!
Date Posted: 1/7/2014 12:20:00 PM
Click for a Surprise...!?
Date Posted: 12/31/2013 10:32:00 PM
Do We, As Artists, Have The Right to Change Our Work?
Date Posted: 12/23/2013 11:12:00 AM
Coming Clean
Date Posted: 12/17/2013 5:01:00 PM
Paper-Cup Porsche: Memoir from the Mental Ward
Date Posted: 12/3/2013 8:38:00 AM
Collage Art: Warning, May Be Offensive!
Date Posted: 12/1/2013 5:13:00 AM
More Visual Poetry: Collage Art
Date Posted: 11/25/2013 7:48:00 AM
IT'S A TRAP!!!!!
Date Posted: 11/20/2013 6:21:00 AM
UP IN SMOKE! VISUAL POETRY! IN YOUR FACE, BISHES!
Date Posted: 11/12/2013 5:14:00 AM
From Great Pain Comes Great Inspiration?
Date Posted: 11/5/2013 4:54:00 PM

My Recent Poems

Date PostedPoemTitleFormCategories
8/9/2014 Grey Area Rhymedark,truth,world,
8/9/2014 The Plot Thickens Rhymegod,judgement,life,truth,
8/9/2014 Glossophobic Light Poetryfear,world,
8/9/2014 Only God Knows and Time Will Tell Rhymechange,god,time,
4/3/2014 Anti-Psychotic Rhymepain,
3/22/2014 Science Friction Rhymespace,stars,
3/21/2014 An Exercise in Versatility Versepoetry,self,
3/19/2014 Pas de Deux Rhymelove,
3/18/2014 Do Not Read and Operate Heavy Machinery or Equipment Rhymedream,heart,poems,
3/6/2014 Inder the Unfluence Coupletdrink,humor,wine,
2/20/2014 Psychomanteum Rhymeheart,spiritual,
2/19/2014 Rosetta I do not know?confusion,nonsense,
2/19/2014 What's Weighing Heavy on My Heart Rhymelost love,
2/17/2014 She Sold Her Soul in a Bathroom Mirror Rhymeevil,satire,woman,
2/12/2014 The Last Son Rhymeart,truth,winter,
2/11/2014 What Gets On My Nerves Narrativeanger,angst,how i feel,
2/10/2014 Surgical Blue Free versehealth,me,satire,
2/8/2014 Restless Natives Sonnetboat,journey,ocean,
2/7/2014 Casting Couch Sonnetart,god,life,
2/5/2014 Hemlock Valentine Rhymedeath,fire,grave,heart,lo
2/4/2014 Veracious Vainglorious Vivacious Vixen: Very Virtuous, Very Vicious Rhymebeauty,woman,
2/1/2014 I'm Gonna Need a Transplant Rhymeabuse,addiction,drink,
1/31/2014 Assault and Pepper Rhymehow i feel,
1/28/2014 Bionic Betty: Another True Tale from the Mental Ward Narrativecrazy,woman,
1/26/2014 Nothing's New Rhymefun,morning,poems,sun,wom
1/25/2014 Memoir: Crashing Women's Studies- Feminists, BEWARE lol Narrativeart,funny,poetry,social,w
1/25/2014 Social Climber Rhymedeath,father,heaven,money
1/24/2014 Rubicons and Oubliettes Rhymeemotions,feelings,
1/23/2014 Water Brothers Rhymebeauty,brother,death,wate
1/7/2014 Poking the Beast Rhymeanger,fire,violence,
1/6/2014 Humble Pie, Anyone Prosehow i feel,introspection,
1/1/2014 Room Service Lyriclust,romance,sexy,
12/31/2013 One-Trick-Pony Rhyme 
12/18/2013 The Fool Rhymebaby,fun,horse,humorous,m
12/18/2013 Coming Clean Narrativeanger,conflict,introspect
12/17/2013 Perfectly Terrible Rhymeanger,beautiful,conflict,
12/3/2013 Paper-Cup Porsche: True Tale from the Mental Ward Narrativeblack african american,cr
12/3/2013 Gardens Grey Rhymebeauty,celebrity,characte
12/2/2013 Darth Exactitude Rhymecharacter,fantasy,star,wa
12/1/2013 All We Have is Hope Free versecancer,conflict,hope,how
11/28/2013 Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder Light Poetryheart,how i feel,lonely,l
11/28/2013 Twice the Christ Rhymechristian,death,god,humor
11/21/2013 I Think of You More Than You Think I Do Light Poetryheart,husband,i love you,
11/20/2013 Love is a Lie Rhymegod,heart,love,love hurts
11/11/2013 Have My Cake and Eat It, Too Rhymecrazy,future,self,vanity,
11/6/2013 Damage Control: An Apology Poem Rhymeheart,poets,sorry,
11/5/2013 From Great Pain Comes Great Inspiration Narrativeanger,bereavement,best fr
11/5/2013 Tug of War Rhymecrazy,pain,sorrow,war,
11/5/2013 Believe It or Not Rhymeanger,angst,god,lonely,lo
11/5/2013 As God As My Witness Rhymeconfusion,dream,joy,life,
11/4/2013 The Throne of Bone and Stone Rhymedream,sad,sin,sleep,world
11/3/2013 A Rational Explanation Rhymedeath,feelings,life,war,w
11/1/2013 Horrorscope Rhymechange,self,space,stars,
10/30/2013 Call Me Monday When I've Made My Millions Rhymedeath,heart,kiss,lost lov
10/29/2013 An Ounce of Pretention Rhymefuture,heart,
10/29/2013 Burning Man Rhymefire,grief,journey,sad,tr
10/28/2013 I'll Have Another, and Keep'em Comin' Rhymeangst,drink,heart,poets,s
10/28/2013 Glad-He-Ate-Her Rhymeanger,violence,war,
10/27/2013 Lazy Man Rhymelove,self,
10/27/2013 Escape Artist Rhymeheart,hope,lost love,poet
10/27/2013 Blackout Rhymedeath,faith,life,sorrow,w
10/26/2013 Around in Circles Rhymesleep,truth,
10/26/2013 A Journey Through Eternity Rhymeanger,future,happiness,ho
10/23/2013 Exercising My Demons Rhymeevil,heaven,religion,
10/23/2013 Knock, Knock Rhymecrazy,heart,self,song,sor
10/17/2013 Damn You, Eve Rhymedance,heaven,innocence,lo
10/17/2013 Romance the Chance Rhymebeauty,dance,hate,journey
10/17/2013 The One Least Likely Rhymeemotions,sorrow,
10/17/2013 Try as They Might Rhymeart,people,poems,poetry,p
10/15/2013 In the Meantime Rhymepain,
10/14/2013 It's Hard to be a Rhymer in a Free-Verse World Rhymeart,poetry,
10/14/2013 A God Among Men Rhymebody,heart,men,sky,
10/12/2013 You Love Me More Than You Love Yourself Light Poetrychildren,grave,love,my ch
10/12/2013 Spreading the Seed Rhymedesire,fun,lust,sexy,
10/12/2013 Burying the Hatchet Rhymegrief,pain,time,today,
10/11/2013 What Would You Take Contest Entry Narrativefriend,husband,lost,music
10/11/2013 Run for Your Lives--Them's Fightin' Words Rhymeconflict,fear,friend,pain
10/11/2013 I'll Drink to That Rhymeaddiction,drink,marriage,
10/10/2013 Angel in Your Eyes Contest Entry Rhymeangel,
10/10/2013 Why Can't I Be Young, Rich and Thin Narrativeart,beauty,desire,imagina
10/8/2013 Take Two and Call Me in the Morning Rhymeangst,sick,
10/7/2013 Twenty-Below Zero Rhymetime,trust,
10/5/2013 You and I and I and You Free verseanger,beautiful,corruptio
10/4/2013 Leave a Message After the Beep Free verseabsence,dark,death,drink,
10/3/2013 Delusions of Grandeur- Bon Voyage Rhymejourney,stars,time,world,
10/3/2013 The Verdict Is In Rhymeevil,time,violence,
10/3/2013 Alone with My Thoughts Rhymecolor,death,pain,truth,
10/2/2013 PHARM Fresh Rhymeaddiction,love,
9/29/2013 A Happy Ending Rhymehappiness,life,love,pain,
9/29/2013 No Assembly Required Light Poetrydeath,flying,travel,
9/29/2013 Come Out, Come Out- Wherever You Are Rhymelost,pain,peace,sleep,
9/26/2013 Playing with Fire Rhymeanger,fire,heart,violence
9/26/2013 Strange Bathfellows Rhymebooks,humorous,insect,
9/25/2013 I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday Light Poetryfood,money,
9/25/2013 Meet Me Halfway Rhymelost love,violence,
9/25/2013 Thank You Lord, Amen Rhymeevil,god,sick,sorrow,time
9/25/2013 To Make Matters Worse Rhymedeath,dream,friend,love,s
9/24/2013 The Truth Isn't Always Kind Rhymelife,truth,
9/24/2013 Hammer to a Concrete Heart Rhymefear,heart,writing,
9/23/2013 Life is Sweet in Honey-Hives Rhymeflower,life,sweet,

My Photos


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Fav Poems

PoemTitleFormCategories
The King of Sanctimonious Rhymehumorous,metaphor,
I Think of You Rhymefriendship,loss,
A Beautiful Love Free verselove,relationship,
Death Will Not Come For Me Rhymedeath,evil,life,magic,
Leonardo DiCaprio Rhymecelebrity,film,for him,ho
ALCOHOL Free verseaddiction,
Chaff vs Wheat - Relief Rhymeangst,goodbye,lost love,r
Fate's Occasion Iambic Pentameterbeautiful,beauty,emotions
Heaven For A Poet Rhymedream,fantasy,heaven,insp
Nevermore Rhymehorror,poetry,tribute,wri
The Dead Of Winter Quatraindark,death,lonely,winter,
Oh Love, Fair Love Rhymeloss,lost love,lovelife,l
William part 2 Balladeblack african american,gr
Bending Backward Ballad 
Popcorn Music Rhyme 
Rhyme Master Couplet 
The Horde's Prayer Verseangel,
Come Sit by My Side Tail-rhymefor her,marriage,moving o
Dreaming Couplethumor,humorous,poets,
Shocks Of Electrifying Emotion Rhymelove,romantic,
The Other Side Rhymeabsence,allegory,analogy,
A Dedication To The Man Rhymededication,friendship,
Edinburgh Free versededication,hope,life,love
In Search Free versebeautiful,bible,god,
DUFFY DEAN Rhymecat,
Stalking The Stalker: Peter Pan Can Free versedark,
Pirates Cove Rhymefunny,humorous,poetry,sea

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