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Editing Ruben


Blog Posted:8/17/2013 12:43:00 PM

Ruben has offered up to me three poems that I may edit and critique. First let me preface this by saying I make no claims of being an expert or any sort of authority on the subject. I am merely going to edit it based on my own opinions and taste. I was originally going to do all three at once and post it one blog but now that I see how I am going to do it that would be way too long. I have posted the original poem below. I will then add my thoughts on the matter and take you sort of through my process and then I will post the edited poem. The edits that I make are at best nothing more than suggestions. The first poem of three I will doing is titled “It may arrive late.”               
               

                It may arrive late
                hidden behind a melancholic sunset,
                or inside one of those melodies, one of those scents,
                that rescue the pebbles bouncing off the water,

                at the beginning of those fifty moves that expect a draw,
                as if the supposed king could turn the hour glass over,
                or among the sparkling dust that flees from things,
                we may no longer be accumulating.

                It's a single moment, in a sudden, intense disclosure,
                free from fear, full of answers, and eager to step in.
                It's a sunbeam bursting through clouds of complacence,
                of an existing situation or a redundant condition.

                It may arrive late
                to get rid of our weighty dreams, our dense illusions,
                picking the petals off our to be's, to have's, to do's ...
                and almost, at times, to wake us or wake us not.

                And when it arrives, when we acknowledge and accept it,
                without being able to get away from it, we could understand.
                We could understand that there may be one from all
                the colors that we certainly won't see again, if we ever saw them all.

                Or roads to walk, books to read, songs to hum, peaches to eat ...
                And we may finally see the protagonist and recognize the sketch
                of our only one-time story, the real one. And you could say two;
                and you could refuse the intrussion; and you could lie to yourself.

                Like a broken porcelain doll in front of a cracked mirror
                waking the echoes of our immune arrogance, our ephemeral victories.
                And eventually, the rushing spindle of the days could lose our interest,
                and the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle could not fit together.
 
                It may arrive late, with the lights off,
                fragile as an afterthought or bold to face it all.
                It can last as long as a thought lasts, or persist infinitely,
                as a first kiss, as the laugh of children, as a farewell ...

            

if I had the space I would like to take you step by step and post the poem and each interval but space is limited so you’re just going to have to bear with me here.  The first thing I love to start with is to remove what is unnecessary. Again personal taste I am going to remove all the periods and comas from the end of the lines. I feel the line break is enough to denote a pause without the need for the comas and the periods are also not needed since the line at the end of the stanzas is sufficient enough to express the closure of the thought and the stanza. The next thing I would get rid of is all the and’s at the beginning of the sentences. I think they are dead weight and a line of poetry should never start with and. On the last line I am going to remove the repetitive use of the words “as” since its unnecessary. Given the that a farewell is not generally considered a happy thing its sorts of clashes with a first kiss or the laugh of a child so I would throw in the word “even.” The third line I removed “or” from the start and add “that” to the last line to give a more solid connection and flow. I rearranged the first line of the third stanza for better flow. I also rearranged the second line as well for better flow. I switched the ending of the third line. I also felt the last line was redundant of the third line and rewrote it a little to give it a better feel and expression. I removed “our” from the second line of the fourth stanzas. On the third line I changed “to be’s” to just “to be” with the quotation marks and removed the  s from haves. I removed the when from the first line of the fifth stanzas, didn’t fit with the second when in the same sentence. I removed “from it” found it to be repetitive. I also deleted the “we could understand” from that line since the next line starts with that same thing. I deleted “the” from the last line thought it was unnecessary. I shortened the end of that line to “if at all”. I removed “or” from the start of the first line, unnecessary. Given that he had just use the word “see a few senstences up I changed “see” in the second line to “perceive” also enhancing the idea that the protagonist is hidden. I removed “of” and rearranged the ending to get rid of the “and” and the period. I reworded the last part of the last sentence. In the next stanza I switched the two halves of the sentence around, I also don’t believe a line should start with “like”, doing this let me delete it. removed “lasts” from the second to last line as it was repetitive. After looking at the end again of the first stanza I changed the first part to just “rescuing” to simplify. I removed “over” from the second line of the second stanza, think it’s repetitive. I added vibrant before colors to give a better feeling but any good description would work. I removed “only” form line three of the sixth stanza; repetitive. So now you end up with this

                It may arrive late
                hidden behind a melancholic sunset
                inside one of those melodies, one of those scents
                Rescuing the pebbles bouncing off the water

                at the beginning of those fifty moves that expects a draw
                as if the supposed king could turn the hour glass
                among the sparkling dust that flees from things
                that we may no longer be accumulating

                It's a single moment of sudden, intense disclosure
                Full of answers, fearless and eager to step in
                It's a sunbeam bursting through complacent clouds
                Igniting motion in the most stagnant conditions

                It may arrive late
                to get rid of our weighty dreams, dense illusions
                picking the petals off our “to be”, to have , to do's...
                almost, at times, to wake us or wake us not

                it arrives, when we acknowledge and accept it
                without being able to get away
                We could understand that there may be one from all
                Vibrant colors that we certainly won't see again, if at all

                roads to walk, books to read, songs to hum, peaches to eat...
                we may finally perceive the protagonist and recognize the sketch
                our one-time story, the real one, though you could say two
                you could refuse the intrusion; continue lying to yourself

                in front of a cracked mirror, a broken porcelain doll
                waking the echoes of our immune arrogance, our ephemeral victories
                eventually, the rushing spindle of the days could lose our interest
                the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle could not fit together
 
                It may arrive late, with the lights off
                fragile as an afterthought or bold to face it all
                It can last as long as a thought, or persist infinitely
                as a first kiss, the laugh of children, even a farewell ...

Again not claiming to be all knowing just my own thoughts on how I would edit. also any of the rearranging or rewriting I just did first that came to mind it would be up to ruben to perfect them in his own words. The poem itself is awesome. I tweaked it a lot finding many thing were repetitive or unnecessary but the concrete ideal behind the poem and the way he went about expressing may be somewhat raw to my own taste but its still an awesome poem. Change it, don’t change I will like either way. Thank you ruben for letting me do this and please everyone feel to leave comments stating your own opinions on the things I changed you like or things you thought that make me look dumb. I have thick skin be as mean as you care. Assuming ruben doesn’t mind all the nit picking I did I will be posting another edit of his poems.

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  1. Date: 8/19/2013 2:31:00 PM
    Both are done very well. I find that we tend to use--the--and-- as--to many fill in words. I know i am very bad at doing that and have to re write leaving those words out. I think an opinion was given and it is up to the poet to either except it or not. love phyl

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  1. Date: 8/19/2013 3:12:00 AM
    Nathan, I would love to be mean here, but I can't I got in trouble for calling someone a coward on a blog comment. Don't need irma harassing my phone again, asking me to delete my emotions slash anger. love the thick skin you wear. which all were like you. great Tummy Tuck here. the truth, I'm not much into long work anymore. I'm still waiting!! My fingernails are Tapping Tapping. Please give my dandelion poem a Face lift.

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  1. Date: 8/19/2013 2:32:00 AM
    It may arrive late to get rid of our weighty (Heavy) dreams, our dense illusions, picking the petals off our to be's, to have's, to do's ... and almost, at times, to wake us or wake us not.

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    A  Avatar SKAT A Date: 8/19/2013 3:01:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    lol, To To funny
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:48:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    hey I better stop reading this poem, before I memorize it :O
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:47:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    I like the fact that, you gave good touching imagery throughout most the poem, leaving out heavy metaphors.
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:44:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    oh my gosh!!! it just hit me. . all the To's in this particular verse. lol.... no wonder it's my fav and catchy.... ;-)
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:42:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    then I pick up the rhythm with a fast pace Picking the petals off our TO BE'S, TO HAVE'S, TO DO'S..... <---- (( my favorite line, besides the beginning of Dylan Thomas Do not go gentle_______ poem))
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:38:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    hey you asked, which was my fav line..... I so freaking love the flow and fast pace on this... I start soft, when reading. IT MAY ARRIVE LATE, then I pause, and pick up the rhythm. TO GET RID OF OUR WEIGTy (killed the flow) dreams.
  1. Date: 8/19/2013 2:18:00 AM
    I have one request for both you guys. Change the word word Weighty to Heavy... It's clashing my favorite line.... Ruben, I don't mind repeated words or using LIKE & AND. Besides all eyes have been bestowed on this poem in the past. I've seen this on top. I imagine it's on many poets favorite list. I think this is why you chose this one. I will share my favorite line with you in moments--- I read both, and admit to Nathan, why yours has a certain flow:) until I was like. why would he go weighty. it threw me off. also I did not like reading words such as protagonist, and ephemeral. Nathan thought adding ephemeral was xool in your poem. Honestly I hate seeing poets going all high classy in a simple to read poem. hey, I hate learning. lol.... the end was a joke.

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  1. Date: 8/19/2013 2:05:00 AM
    Nate' don't forget to rewrite (edit) my triolet poem. I heard the poem needs major editorial. all I ask, don't change the scenery/tacky title.

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  1. Date: 8/19/2013 2:01:00 AM
    Ruben, I have so many poems needing editing. I like what Nate' did here. At least he did not kill or chop up the poem. True editors would have gotten rid of all the unnecessary words and revised many lines in a short edition. lol, I've seen poems chopped by editors, making the original poem seem less attractive. ;-) I have a question for you, did you recite the poem out loud? I would love to hear both poems on stage.

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  1. Date: 8/18/2013 10:09:00 PM
    I find it so very hard if ever Ruben asked me to edit something from his poem.I guess i just leave it the way it is cause I love it just the way it goes in his heart and soul but re removing the 'commas...the 'over'in the second line and removing the 'and'..is good in my opinion.One of my favs of his is this poem. I do love to use the 'and'word a great lot..I will look into my own as well.

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    Chircop Avatar Charmaine Chircop Date: 8/19/2013 3:09:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    In my case i sometimes start a poem with the word 'And'...I don t know if that s good and bad. Re vibrant colours..I guess i would leave that as just 'colours'..and leave it to the reader s imagination if they were always vibrant or not.Sometimes colours have to be just colours...with crimson grey yellow blue..but that s my idea .
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/19/2013 2:57:00 AM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    I myself am working on not using as many commas Using less The's and And's...lol...and and and.. Gosh I'm beginning to hate that word AND!
    Chircop Avatar Charmaine Chircop Date: 8/18/2013 10:58:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Why would I delete any line..I wouldn't erase any verse Ruben..Each word was written for some reason..I just remove the commas and 'and' like Nathan did..but that s it.Tnks for thinking so about my little munchkin..She is
  1. Date: 8/17/2013 12:53:00 PM
    I like it Nathan, not much change... :-)... PSSS... I appreciate your help on my latest poems. But, as far as my sister goes... She said to re-write her dandelion poem... lol ~~~ ALL OF IT! I finally had time to call her. She agrees with you about the bad example the soup offered... always~ LINDA

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    A  Avatar SKAT A Date: 3/3/2014 10:36:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Say all of them. lolloloololo. Spying on nathan.
    A   Avatar Poet Destroyer A Date: 8/17/2013 12:55:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    like evil and sweet magic

My Past Blog Posts

 
Editing Ruben
Date Posted: 8/17/2013 12:43:00 PM
Need your input
Date Posted: 8/13/2013 9:35:00 AM
Dot Dot Dot Dot
Date Posted: 7/17/2013 7:25:00 AM
A Question For The Owner of The Poetry Soup
Date Posted: 7/9/2013 9:13:00 AM
more focused thoughts with puncuation
Date Posted: 7/9/2013 8:19:00 AM
blame Ruben he engouraged me lolz
Date Posted: 7/5/2013 2:20:00 PM
bunch of random thoughts i forget before i get them all down
Date Posted: 6/27/2013 12:20:00 PM
Review of Debra Squyres
Date Posted: 3/14/2013 11:38:00 PM
Random Thoughts on Adventure Time
Date Posted: 2/20/2013 9:00:00 AM
Reviewing Joann Grisette
Date Posted: 2/20/2013 8:58:00 AM
poetry soup epic fail
Date Posted: 2/20/2013 8:41:00 AM
An Open Invitation to All
Date Posted: 1/31/2013 9:16:00 AM
To The Poetry Soup
Date Posted: 1/4/2013 10:14:00 AM
A lesson in perception, on what the soup is, and writing
Date Posted: 7/2/2012 8:24:00 AM
A Commentary on Commenting
Date Posted: 5/30/2012 5:38:00 AM
to all of you who enjoy posting 10 to a gizillion poems a day
Date Posted: 5/22/2012 8:11:00 AM

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