Poetry Forum

Forum Home » High Critique » Im new here. Small poem.

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

3/27/2015 11:04:33 AM Rightly Jennings Posts: 1	Well there's music to to this, but it works just as well without. I hope you enjoy it. Any feedback would be most welcome. One Small Victory Living the dream with bouts of insomnia Struggling with unfair demands of good faith Strength of the absurd I've heard they're on to you And with the intrinsic value of clay White flags waving over your winter chimneys Accepting defeat with no loss of face Don't waste breath on speech, you know what the truth is And carry yourself with auspicious grace With both of us wrong were I to agree You'll grant me this one, this one small victory Wake up a stranger in the land of promise Y'get back n'find that not so much has changed Mornings glory was anything but honest Tidy trap in a decorative frame Living the dream with bouts of insomnia Struggling with unfair demands of good faith With both of us wrong were I to agree You'll grant me this one small, small victory
	• permalink • reply with quote
4/10/2015 6:09:04 PM K.M North Posts: 97	Hey, Welcome man. First off, I'll get to the positives...I like some of your phrasing such as "tidy trap in a decorative frame" and what not. Some good lines for sure. I think it could use with maybe a verse or two cause I didn't get what the point was really. There's no sense of whats wrong with the two people who are having the argument or the conclusion. I think an added verse or two to clarify would do wonders and make this a really strong piece. Also the biggest problem, kind of my own pet peeve was in the fourth verse you change the tone of your words with your "Y'get" and "n'find" I think as a song if you sing it that way it's fine but as a work where someone is reading it, those two things really stick out because you don't cut off words like that in any other way throughout the whole rest of the piece. So yeah, it's pretty good. I've definitely read alot worse. I would say to add a verse or two to maybe make the point of the problem a bit more focused, and to just change those two little spots in the fourth verse. Keep posting-
	• permalink • reply with quote