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Forum Home » Be Gentle » First PS submission ... Please critiqe

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/19/2014 5:51:07 PM

Susan Payne
Posts: 1
Requiem of Elysium


Silver-lined beckoning moon beams
dance along, disquieting sacred ground
unmasked by truth, barefoot unencumbered
broken promise-laden blue eyes.


You whispered flame into existence
as if a stark naked sheath of sparkling
midnight velvet skies, haunted in surreal angst
revealing the beauty I will never possess.


Lost in revelry, the tune continues to play
repetitiously, in tired mind and restless thought
raging ember pulse coagulating, until feelings whist
now eternally slowed, water breaks from horizon.


Restful reproach granted in heartbeat-time
the metronome of life, always captures its prey
succumbing in surrender, while the new dawn casts shadow
over an oyster-made pearl on a rainy day in love.
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3/20/2014 3:49:58 PM

Michelle Adams
Posts: 2
I enjoyed it. Each sentance was well thought out and could stand alone and still be beautiful.
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3/31/2014 1:40:28 AM

Verlena S. Walker
Posts: 3
I enjoyed reading your poem. An advising tip would be to make your words play visually. This will enhance your writing and enrich the reader. Verlena S. Walker
edited by Verlena on 3/31/2014
edited by Verlena on 3/31/2014
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6/12/2014 7:01:00 PM

Sydney Avey
Posts: 3
I looked up Requiem and Elysium in the dictionary. So this is about a remembrance of afterlife. Intriguing. Beautiful words here, but I am looking for a story or clear observation that is obscured. Verena and Ozzy's feedback capture my response. The words are beautiful. I need an image I can track so I have an understanding of what it means to remember an afterlife I've yet to experience.
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12/12/2014 11:30:55 PM

Kate Ginsberg
Posts: 14
You definitely have a poet's heart! And a vocabulary! I'm not one to critique others, as I've only been published in a vanity college collection (I paid). But I know what captures my poetic senses!
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