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Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

1/28/2014 8:24:46 PM david mohn Posts: 1	The Zen of Words I sing to the unfathomable cloaked magic shimmering within the time soaked letters of words Arranged be they may by softly nuanced soliloquy, birthing pastel pallets of harmony Or Gnarled in the darkly fiendish toxic wasteland of soul bruising nihilist chaos I wonder at the providence that incites the inspiration from thought to page…beginner to sage Rudderless, exanimate, benign letters first inert and afar then shot from the stars: …starting and ending wars …bending and blowing minds …mending and breaking hearts So foray boldly to that less traveled page you prose rich lingual imagists I’ll look for your words in the rose hewn shards of the setting sun
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2/22/2014 11:02:13 PM Gary Watkins Posts: 7	Hi, and welcome to the Soup. This is my first critique on this forum, so I'm not sure how "gentle" to be exactly. Here are a few thoughts. Take them or leave them as you see fit. First, I like the gist of what you are conveying here. Your vocabulary is obviously advanced, but it may be muddying the imagery a bit (ex. "the cloaked magic shimmering within the time soaked letters of words".) "Cloaked" and "shimmering" would seem to be contradictory when used together. Lines like "letters first inert and afar then shot from the stars:" are not clear. What does this mean? That the letters just lie on the page at first, but suddenly dazzle you with their brilliance? It's a bit confusing. I would suggest that you simplify the language and make sure that your message is clear for the reader. You may also want to play with line breaks to create more of a rhythm. I do like the last image in your poem, "rose hewn shards of the setting sun." It's very vivid and sensual. Please don't feel that I am picking nits or trying to say that you haven't made a good effort. There are some nice turns of phrases here and there, but it seems overwritten, like you're trying a little too hard. Of course, someone else may have a completely different opinion. Feel free to take a look at my poems and offer any constructive criticism you see fit. Good luck and have fun with your writing. That's the most important part, when it all comes down to it.
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