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11/5/2013 3:28:20 PM Dana Brown Posts: 1	THE WALL I stood up straight,I stood up tall, As I took those final steps to "The Wall". My hands were shaking,my eyes were blurred, And,in my heart,my soul,I heard; Tell my wife,tell my son,tell my Father too. I left my blood in a foriegn land, As my country asked me to. Dont grieve for me,I'm long past pain, but I know the hurt is there. Just remember what WAR has done,to people everywhere. We're all here together now,the friends And the foes. We've all got something to tell you, And this is how it goes. The spark of life,in us ALL,was given us by God. Who is man,to take it away,by gun,by knife,by rod? I shook my head,I started to cry,I wondered if it was real. I felt the pain of a million souls,my stomach had a chill. I knew then,what it was,that made me come here now. It hit me hard,those words I heard,and so I made this vow. I'll do my best,to give the word,to every one that listens. When man makes war,and kills his brothers, Rapes and plunders,and imprisons, The final days up in Heaven,we are all together. Right or wrong,no matter the cause,we are ALL linked, Held by Gods sacred tether.
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11/5/2013 9:14:12 PM Just That Archaic Poet Posts: 89	First things first: this is an awesome poem. It's modern and very socially-conscious with good morals and ethics. Aside from a few bumps in your rhythm and beat, I loved this piece. It has a few wrinkles that need ironing out. With some polish and refinement, you will have an excellent poem. A lot of people aren't syllable counters, but I am. In your first two lines, you have an 8 syllable verse vying with a 10 syllable verse. Not a big deal, but it does create a break in rhythm. The best suggestion I can give you if you decide to revise this piece is to count your syllables, and try to keep them as close as possible. In your last lines, you have a 14 syllable verse vying with 19 syllable verse and creates a big bump in rhythm. I loved the emotion and imagery in this work; it's really quite wonderful despite minor flaws. I hope this critique was helpful; rhyme is my forte and what I do best. Don't believe me? Check out my work lol (just kidding you; not being narcissistic.) For real, you have the beginnings of a great poem here. Enjoyed it very much
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