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9/29/2013 8:54:02 PM
Gabe Shelly
Posts: 95
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The Sacred Band
To those wearied warriors under the white and orange flame
here is a tale that you should listen
of a Sacred Band of men whose ground in blood they did christen—
One hundred and fifty pairs they were…one be lover the other beloved…
their bond forged in both iron and steel—
when the first fell the second would fight as two for the Ending they’d feel…
Many did they vanquish the mighty Sparta most of all—
that pompous elephant, that leathery dog, that wild bird of game,
that watery monster ‘neath rainfall,
and many other name—
a head above the fabled three hundred their passing was just the same—
destroyed by no one less than the Great Alexander
the Angel of Death did this exclaim:
“Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered anything
unseemly.”
[For their place will never be with those timid souls who know neither victory
or defeat.]
Because they fell Daring Greatly…something all should wish to meet
The Sacred Band
By
Gabe Shelly
9/26/’13
(The Sacred Band ofThebes was a small army of selected soldiers, consisting of 150 pairs of lovers and beloveds, who formed an elite fighting force in the 4th centuryB.C.E. They were annihilated by Phillip the II of Macedonia in the battle of Chaeronea.)
edited by Gabe on 9/29/2013
edited by Gabe on 9/29/2013
edited by Gabe on 9/30/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/1/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/1/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/10/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/10/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/10/2013
edited by Gabe on 10/15/2013
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9/30/2013 10:04:36 AM
Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
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I think what you have here is the beginnings of a really good piece. The main problem I had was with the way you formatted this poem; for me it was hard to follow and clearly grasp the rhymes because of the structure. Also, I think your rhyme scheme needs some work in order for the work to flow better. Because of the unevenness of the beat and rhythm, it wasn't aesthetically pleasing to my ear. I think your imagery and emotion are strong, though; that is a definite plus. If I may be so bold, here is how I think the poem may be improved:
To those wearied Warriors of white and orange flame-
Here is a tale to which you should listen
A Band of Sacred Men, whose Honor remains
Upon the ground where their blood was christened
One hundred and fifty pairs they were; lovers and their beloved
Their bond closely forged in both cold iron and steel
When one would fall, the second rallied and rose above it
And he would fight as two, for the Ending they'd feel
Many did they vanquish, the mighty Sparta most of all-
The creatures of the enemy, monsters 'neath the waterfall
Among the fabled three hundred, there were many other names
Though thier bravery was unsurpassed, their passing was just the same
Destroyed by the Great Alexander, an Angel of Death no less,
And this is what he did exclaim, a voice that rang extremely
Loud, and then he turned, to make his powerful and somber address:
"Perish any man who suspects that these men either did or suffered unseemly."
His subjects, moved so deeply by his words, all acknowledged the fallen's great valiant feat
[For their place will never be with those timid Souls who know neither victory or defeat]
--- The rhymes are still quite choppy and not entirely as smooth as I had hoped, but given the material (which was great), it was difficult to make rhymes that were more even and fluid. You may consider abandoning the rhyme element and making this into a free-verse style piece (or another format of non-rhyme). Hope I was able to help in some manner. As an ancient history buff (especially of Greece and Rome), I LOVED your subject matter. I think with some revising, you will have a killer piece. Kudos, and good luck! 
edited by JustLivingLies on 9/30/2013
edited by JustLivingLies on 9/30/2013
edited by JustLivingLies on 9/30/2013
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9/30/2013 9:26:16 PM
Gabe Shelly
Posts: 95
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I appreciate your opinion. I can't do much about the structure that's the server messing things up-- I try to change them, but it gets tiresome. The rhymes are choppy, but the material like you said is great, though, difficult to make rhymes with, and I'm not about to change the material. I will keep using the rhyme element though just to make it a little fun to the more in-frequent poetic listener. However, I will take to heart some of your beginning poetic changes and might incorporate them into the poem if that's okay with you...meaning you get no residuals if I go print with this...(lol). Take care.
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9/30/2013 9:41:07 PM
Gabe Shelly
Posts: 95
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Oh, yes. This poem is about football. Look at it again, if you didn't catch it the first time.
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10/1/2013 9:08:18 AM
Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
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Well, I didn't take into account the server messing up the format; it mangled stanza 4 in my revision, so now I understand why yours came out the way it did. In any event, I hope that I was helpful to you in some way. I have no problem if you take any of my revisions into consideration if you do a rewrite. And I wasn't suggesting you necessarily "change" your material; I would just consider adding some more to it if you are determined for it to rhyme. There is much about that whole battle that is rich in imagery and emotion that you could use to add length to balance your rhymes. Though rhyme always has a fun element to it, if not executed properly, it's not aesthetically pleasing to the ear, and can hinder a poem instead of helping it. When a piece like yours has an "epic" feel to it, I think it would either sound best if all your rhymes were tight and succinct and fluid, or if it were formatted into free-verse, where you can take all the liberties you want with it. Rhyme has its own mechanics that, unless adhered to, can make a piece sound unrefined, unpolished and give it a neophyte feel, which is, I'm sure, not what you're wanting. In a nut shell, unrefined rhymes will bring down the quality of your piece instead of elavating it. In your first stanza, your syllable count for the first rhyme is almost 28 I think and then 17 in the second. The unevenness throws off both the ear and the eye. Rhyme is my forte and what I do best so I am trying to give you the best advice possible. Ultimately, I just want you to have an awesome piece because this poem has that potnetial. Much luck to you in all your poetic endeavors!
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10/1/2013 4:09:59 PM
Gabe Shelly
Posts: 95
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I'll definitely take what you said in consideration. Thank-you.
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10/2/2013 6:12:48 AM
Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
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No problem at all. If you ever want to communicate privately, just shoot me a SoupMail; I'm always happy to help a fellow poet
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