Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
8/12/2013 5:07:57 PM
thomas clark Posts: 2
|
I WAS SITTING IN THE GUTTER WEARING WORN OUT CLOTHES
MY POCKETS WERE EMPTY
EXCEPT FOR THE HOLES
MY SHOES TOOK IN THE RAIN
AND LET OUT MY TOES
PEOPLE WOULD PASS ME
WITH TURNED UP NOSE
COS THEY DON,T KNOW MY STORY
DONT KNOW HOW IT GOES
I WAS ONCE LIKE THEY ARE
I HAD A WIFE AND TWO KIDS
BUT THEY DIED IN A CAR CRASH
SO MY LIFE HIT THE SKIDS
SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER
DAY AFTER DAY
JUST PASSING MY LONELIEST
HOURS AWAY
PEOPLE KEEP PASSING
WITH A FROWN ON THEIR FACE
WHISPERING LOOK AT THAT DRUNK
HE,S SUCH A DISGRACE
YET I HAVEN,T BEEN DRINKING
SINCE THAT TERRIBLE NIGHT
WHEN I TURNED THE CAR OVER
AND THE PETROL CAUGHT ALIGHT
MY WIFE AND TWO KIDS
WERE ASLEEP IN THE REAR
THEY DIDN,T STAND A CHANCE
YET I WAS THROWN CLEAR
PEOPLE KEEP ON PASSING
SOME THROW NICKLES AND DIMES
WHY DO THEY PAY ME
FOR MY TERRIBLE CRIMES
SO I SIT IN THIS GUTTER
SOMETIMES I PRAY
THAT DEATH WILL COME QUICKLY
AND TAKE MY PAIN AWAY
FOR I,VE MADE DEATH MY FRIEND NOW
HE CAN RELIEVE ME OF MY PAIN
AND SEND ME UP TO HEAVEN
TO BE A FAMILY MAN AGAIN
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/24/2013 6:13:48 AM
thomas clark Posts: 2
|
will someone please give me some views and opinions on my poem family man
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/25/2013 5:31:18 PM
scott thirtyseven Posts: 13
|
Just thinking aloud, but I'm not real keen on your rhyme kids & skids. Seems a little to easy, and possibly too cheesy. If you skidded into the gutter where you now sit, then maybe??? "...hit the skids/ sliding into this gutter/ where day after day...". Please let me know what you think.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/25/2013 6:48:46 PM
Lynn Dolly Posts: 133
|
I like this. I'm actually not huuge on reading poetry because to me it seems too many try too hard. This seems like it was a therapeutic write for you..not sure if it's from personal experience or not, but regardless, I like it. Wording and all. Has an organic feel to it.
Cheers,
Sharon
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
6/20/2017 9:52:28 AM
lawrence strauss Posts: 2
|
You made me feel, biggttom61. To be able to reach someone like that is a gift. Thank you for sharing your gift with me. -Lawrence
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
6/20/2017 12:50:30 PM
Jerome Malenfant Posts: 26
|
Minor point: You have commas where you should have apostrophes;
don,t -> don't, haven,t -> haven't, didn,t -> didn't, I,ve -> I've.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software