A Road Still Driven

Written by: Vicky Tsiluma

Fear erodes my heart as darkness pervades my senses. Of all the paths I could have chosen, I chose to chase an elusive reality steeped in a malignant illusion. Good and evil Black and white Right and wrong Light and darkness Those are the choices I was born with and I took them to heart. Two trees, one a rose bush, one a wild bush. Too young to form an opinion; too afraid to stray towards the wild bush; I trusted them when they said the rose bush is the only viable path. But then I grew older and I began dissecting the rose bush. Thorns pricked my hands as caterpillars obstructed my views. I saw them – all the leaves that had been chewed. All the leaves that were filled with flaws. All the leaves that had fallen off. And my trust broke. They should have taught me how to love, then I would have been able to forgive. Now I’m left with questions – can a flawed leaf be part of a perfect tree? Will the caterpillars finish off the bush before it is saved? If a leaf falls off does another grow in its place? If another grows in its place does that mean the leaves are replaceable? What if another does not grow, does it mean the rose bush is not whole? If the bush is not whole will the other leaves wonder where the others went to? Will they feel a void? Or will they continue their life in bliss? And if they continue their life in bliss, does this mean that none of the leaves are important? In other words does it mean that human beings are irrelevant entities? These are the questions running through my head. Wrecking havoc inside my brain. For a certainty I know that the rose bush is the right path. But my mind cannot reconcile the thought of the vanity of life with the thought of a purposeful life. To mean nothing and to mean something at the same time; to be loved and be a non entity all at once – That is what my lowly brain cannot grasp. This is my road still driven, this is the path I take to try and search for answers. A journey stipulated in impossibility. A concrete dream set in an elusive reality. And it tears me apart because it separates me from the ones I love. It’s all or nothing – that is my stance. Until the day the road leads me to a convergence where the dream and the reality harmoniously entwine. A destination without which my existence slowly fades away. Sorry, for those who do not understand.