scared I am losing it

Written by: Debbie Knapp

Scared I’m Losing it.
I don’t know what to do my mind so busy things are getting confused. I can’t remember things I’ve been doing or numbers that haven’t changed. I’m catching moments of confusion finding things; Popsicle melted on the counter.
I can’t sleep at night. No matter how tired, sleep eludes me! I can hardly stand myself. I beg God to help me before I lose it. 
I think others notice something wrong. Crying, terrified I can’t hold it together much longer. Fear and panic taking over; what to do, I’m so alone! My heart heavy and my mind confused now a place of insecurities and unsafe moments!
Scared I’m losing it; living in fear as panic hovers, in the blink of an eye I could lose touch with reality. Forgetting where I’m going, what I’m doing; filled with fear; the panicky feeling just below the surface tells me I’m close!
 This, I feared all my life! I did reality checks and watched for warning signs. My Fear’s now coming true. Trying to deal with stress isn’t working.
 I tried to be a good person, doing the best I could. I needed a strong person to lean on loving me no matter what; always putting me first. Having me to trust and rely on my heart was empty. My secrets and dreams I kept, unable to share. My doubts and fears mine alone! 
At times the pain unbearable, my mind explored beautiful places. My guardian angel and to God I talked. My fish; I told my worries.
Scared I’m losing it, I pray as my fears become known and I drown in tears; people will try to understand. I thought I had a method to my madness; however I guess it was just pure madness!
Debbie Knapp
10-11-11