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Dismantling Time

Was i missing something
when he referenced me
in dozens and dozens of poems
calling me sea hag?

I was so devastated
I had all but one mole
removed from my face.

Then, he inquired,
'where did your beauty mark go?'

Or was it in the way
he referenced my eyes
small and beady?
Like a snake.

Or when he first saw
the sun play upon my eyes
said he saw all that was beautiful in me
and all that was not.

Was I suppose to hold 'that' to my heart?

Or when he said my heart
was as hard as stone
and then, as cold as ice.
Or when I wore those hair extensions
(hoping he might see something beautiful in me)
he reminded me he was white.

Or was it when T#1
handed me over to T#2
grumbling to himself...
he perpetuated that guise.

A pass around pack
is what they made me into.
Yeah, it's still the same old song
fashioned in the past
   polished with experience
      embedded in time.

Or maybe it was when he told me
that at the end of the day
they
they only wanted to be able to 
go home and make love to their wives?

Or maybe it was when he told me
that he just didn't love me
as much as I loved him.

Maybe it was all those
new and innovating ways
to bonk me on the head
shred a heart of flesh
each morning when I awoke
or his skillful and talented ways
to aggravate a heart that was already broke.
Maybe it was that morning
he proclaimed, "She loves me!"
turning love into a joke.
turning me into a joke.

I've been trying to remember when
I fell in love with him,
Oh, ladies, you would not recognize him
standing in a stream, beautiful,
innocent, and unknown
back then.
Now is it any wonder
he wants to crucify the past,
pour all the blame out on me
justifying his consistent dissatisfaction
as the sands fall through the glass.

It is so easy to see
he never, ever had any
real
feelings for me.

Okay big guy,
go ahead
tell the world
I lie????


Copyright © Catie Lindsey

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