Thought you'd protect me.
Love me. And be the one to turn to.
Till I stand strong on my feet.
Thought I was born out of you.
You bore me in your womb.
Or, did you regret all through?
For I reminded you of someone you never loved?
You gave me things, more than I must have needed.
But I was young. I asked for some love. Some true affection.
Or was your love something I never understood?
I was unwanted. You said, you wish I were dead.
But I was only ten.
I grew up. Lonely. Insecure.
Not saying there wasn't times you were nice.
But, I never felt loved, nor did I ever love you.
You loved Lisa. She was older. And you asked her to hate me.
You said, I am never good as her or ever can be.
You said, no one likes me, or ever will.
I believed it for too long, and yet I fear you are right.
Cause when I found the ones I thought who just might
They broke my heart, like you did.
You know the times I got whipped or beaten
I don't feel that pain anymore.
And even though we don't see each other much
I see that anger in your face, and I hear your voice
Scenes from the past filling my head
Telling me how everything was wrong with me.
Or when father told me, I can never be good enough
Cause he didn't approve of your upbringing
I felt perhaps my existence was meaningless.
I asked too often why was I brought into this world if this was you had to offer.
But it's not just you. It's a joke in my life.
Those who were meant to be my strongest pillars
Have crushed me brutally.
Those who were to take pride in who I become
Tried bringing me down.
Those who promised me forever love
Took that well guarded box of trust and threw it down the gutter.
You don't ever want to look into my heart.
It's scarred with wound and decked with makeup.
But, I have learned to put up that smile
Everytime we meet now, let's pretend it's all fine
But let me tell you, there's a stone wall
Guarding me better than ever.
Cause I am neither ten, nor twenty five anymore.
And that heart? It is a mess.
But no one can reach it.
Copyright © SAMPRITI BHATTACHARYYA | Year Posted 2016