You will be standing in front of your closet
climbing to get to the top shelf
because that is where you hid your five dollar scale from Fred Meyer.
You will take it down and set on some hard surface
because you know that scales on carpets don’t give an accurate reading.
Your eyes look down,
passing the hip bones and knobby knees and strength you have yet to see,
your eyes go straight to the number.
5 feet, two inches tall.
You will think to yourself, “Mother, I never meant to be this way.”
Because when you have fasted for over a week,
you don’t know who you are anymore.
You have stood in front of the artillery tanks
taking bullets straight into your stomach
as if they would feed you,
as if stars could be extracted from your hands.
But there is only bones.
Not enough women to have a reflection in a mirror.
My doctor told me my heart rate was dangerously low,
that I could chose to go to the hospital
or some inpatient center in Arizona.
I chose the latter.
And once you’ve been in a center for emaciated girls
you don’t know what it is like to be alive.
Because the chapel around the corner
wasn’t filled with cobwebs
and the hymns of children were cries for help
spelling out c-r-why is this happening to me.
Why are my knees scared with hardwood engravings?
as I hung my head over the porcelain devil
purging out all the humiliations and mutilations
that this world as given to me.
And I can’t blame the world anymore
because responsibility equals sincerity
and skinny girl like me has fought fruitfully
with fat fists
with a fat heart
with fat lungs
and fat bones
and never mind the stereotypes of others
because skinny girl is anorexic
but not anymore
and you can laugh all you want
but this skinny b**** wants more
and I want to see the world
taste the tears of those who got caught slapping my face
who got caught laughing because I was a disgrace
to my sister
to my family
but I know they love me.
Skinny girl not shallow
You may think less of me.
But F*** you.
Go for F*** yourself.
Because this girl has much more to stand for.