I have chronic head pain to both my occipital and trigeminal nerves. I have lived in chronic pain since 2004. A botched sinus surgery changed my life. Nerve damage is the worst pain a person can have because normal meds don't work. Barometer and stress aggravate the pain. I have good and bad days. Depression and anxiety go hand and hand with chronic illness. Having a good team of mental health doctors is a necessity for someone in chronic pain. I have those things in place. I know it is healthy to indulge myself in my sadness. Not doing so makes the depression worse. So this is my healthy release. At least here I know others listen.
I feel sad today
Even though I'm not supposed to, I do
Sometimes it just sneaks up and overwhelms me
Fills my entire being with gloom
And the tears roll slowly, unstoppable
Never sobbing just rolling continuously
Down my face, I can't even explain why
Other than I'm tired,so tired of the battle
Battling constant pain is so boring
No one but those in pain understand
Because its invisible unseen it's also unexplainable
People get tired of listening to how badly I truly feel
After a while the friends I had are gone
They can't hear it anymore or somehow
I think they feel it will rub off on them.
So I try so hard to keep the facade
Pretend I'm okay, look good when I'm out
Trying to play the role of a normal person
When the fear of showing my invisible pain
Scares me that it will be as ugly as it feels
Pretending that it doesn't hurt, that I'm not praying
That it will go away so I will be whole again.
I hate the pills, the shots, the visits to any doctor.
It is not a life, just an existence that plagues my soul
Filling it with so much guilt for forcing my child
To have to live with a mother always in pain.
But eventually it ends, I push through this
Darkness that encapsulates me.
I try to coach myself into the next move
Pulling out of this cave of dreariness
And I pretend that I'm okay, and I move on
Constantly fighting, this cross I bear.
I pray that it is all for not.
I hope that someday it will stop
And I can be the me I want to be
Do the things I want and need to do
And then people will start to
Listen, and hear me again.
But, for now, the tears flow
Slowly healing releasing the tortured soul
Cleansing it for another day when
My steam kettle can hold no more
Jennifer Marie Oliver