~(This isn't a poem)~
Reptile Dysfunction is a term recently coined in Arizona, where there is a growing following of single females, who due to their inability to keep a dance partner(or a partner in general), as a viable stand-in, raise iguanas, training the lizards to stand
on their hind-legs and learn various dance moves. If these iguanas are brought to
a dance-hall, and because of shyness or nerves, refuse to stand up and dance,
their owners are known to shriek: "Oh! My little man has reptile dysfunction!
He refuses to get it up!"
Since this latest craze is catching on like hula-hoops and frisky-disco, causing single females all over the state to train iguanas to dance, an experimental iguana viagra, called IV42, is being marketed for dance partners experiencing Reptile Dysfunction. There have already been a few complaints from iguana owners who have given
their iguanas this reptilian form of viagra, relaying harrowing tales about how their "little green man stood erectly at attention for 24 hours in a row, becoming forceful
and dominating, with a drive to do nothing but the Cha-Cha and Tango."
Sally Hardbanger, a woman from Phoenix, Arizona, who is currently involved in a
multi-million dollar lawsuit with one of the Pharm companies that markets IV42, explained how after giving her iguana an IV42 pill for the first time, the iguana proceeded to force the woman to engage in a pounding Tango for 8 hours straight,
with her little man refusing to stand-down. Critics of the Hardbanger lawsuit, believe the woman should be grateful for the overall experience. Sally Hardbanger claims
that after the first 2 hours of the supposedly horrific ordeal, she could no longer feel
her thighs: "After 4 hours, I didn't know if I could go on, I've never achieved multiple dances before....why, it used to be hard just to achieve one dance at the best of times. Those multiple dances just kept coming and coming and coming! That day,
I truly thought I saw God."
*This flash-fiction was inspired by Frank Herrera's Soup-blog.
February 7th, 2013