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Written by:
Jim David
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Poems by Jim David
Form:
Haiku
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About This Poem
A tornado of geese fall
A tornado of geese fall To a winter graze Up shoots the tiny green grass
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Jim David
Date: 11/23/2012 5:18:00 PM
I live in oregon where we have a MONSTEROUS Canadian geese population.The logistics of ten thousand geese landing is amazing.They look like mini vortices but NEVER touch one another.Simply baffling..I felt compelled to use tornado, as it was the only word that did the job. Also, the last line was the cut.... Geese fall, grass up... Juxtaposition, yes? I think so! Please excuse an ignoramus-hack.... I merely dabble!
Debbie Guzzi
Date: 11/23/2012 4:41:00 PM
Ok here's what I see [a flock of geese landing eating grass] If you label it a tornado of geese you are putting your concept of what it looked liked in the readers mind..don't do that in haiku..be [as plain as oatmeal] SHOW what you SEE [don't tell] you did join lines 1 and 2 which is good but line 3 simply re-elaborates the first 2 lines don't repeat
Debbie Guzzi
Date: 11/23/2012 4:44:00 PM
[a flock of geese land / on a freshly sprouted field -- a shotgun rings out]use lien 3 to add more sensory input
Jim David
Date: 11/15/2012 3:22:00 PM
i know it was an inverted meter, but i don't trifle with semantics......
Anne Lise Andresen
Date: 11/12/2012 12:14:00 PM
Jim, a good and well written Haiku. - oxox // Anne-Lise :)
Rollo West
Date: 11/12/2012 11:54:00 AM
Hi Jim, a great Haiku, and imagery. Rollo
