It’s been a long, long time.
I hope that you still remember me,
I’ve been hiding quite a while, deep inside.
I know that you know all things
Still, I think I should explain,
The reason I’ve been hiding
Is because of all the shame, because of all the pain.
I know that I don’t look so great
For meeting up with you tonight, in the hue of bedroom light
But I hope you understand
I’ve been alone since I was three, there was nobody caring, just me, you see.
You probably see the dirt marks
And smudges on my face…. and heart
But it seems no matter how I try
Some things I just can’t erase.
They say that eyes are windows
they peer into the soul.
I’m afraid that if you look there,
You’ll find it dark and cold, my soul half, not whole.
I’m not sure why it is, Lord,
But you won’t see any tears.
I guess they’ve just been cried up all these years.
I know that limp and lifeless
Is my unruly heart.
I guess that’s just what happens
When no one really cares, when your childhood is ripped apart.
And if you ask a question
I really do not have much to say.
I’ve found that no one really wants
To hear me talk about it anyway.
And if you care to listen,
Sit quiet and you’ll hear
How hard my heart is pounding.
That’s because of all the fear.
You’ll notice that I wrapped my arms
Around me all the time.
I did that for protection
Of the things that should have been mine.
See, not so very long ago, Pg.2
Without an ounce of care,
That monster took away from me
Things I never meant to share.
And if you find I tremble inside
When you come close to me,
It’s because of all the dreadful things
That someone did to me, and they tried to hide.
Jesus I’m so sorry, if I disappointed you,
If these things have saddened you.
But when I cried out to you
You never told me what to do.
I know that in my mother’s womb
You created me
And I can’t help but wonder
Is this what I was meant be?
They say that you are everywhere,
With each and every one,
But it seems that on those dark nights
You left me all alone, just for him to take to play, to give me away.
They tell me that you love me
And I suppose it’s true,
But Jesus, please remember, they whispered it,
In the darkness and the stench
They said they loved me too.
© Theresa Rossouw