CAN YOU SPEAK WOMAN?
I can speak French and sometimes Chinese
I can also speak cat with some ease
When he miaows at me as he goes
I mimic his call and he knows
When the dog barks I reply
Even the horse and I see eye to eye
But I can’t speak “woman”
It’s beyond the speech power of a man.
I can’t talk for hours about shoes
And discuss the merits of mauves or blues
Or share the humour of how pink bows
Don’t go with green pillows
And go all weepy over Meryl Streep
Or wax lyrical over some punk-rock creep
Or persuade some guy to discuss flowers
Rather than the size of the nuclear powers
.. . . . so she said. . . . so then I said. . .
And she whispered. . . . and her face went red. . . .
No it’s impossible to spend hours on the phone
I’d rather sit watching football all alone
It’s futile me trying to pretend
An interest in what gift to send
Or remember birthdays wi th accuracy
Such a task would drive me crazy
God save me from female speech
Let me speak “man”, I beseech
Just let me sit alone and grunt
Or maybe shoot, fish, and hunt
And talk to the dog about football facts
Or maybe to the car while I wax.