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Jeanna York Poem
All on Me
My childhood is sketchy too many
Holes
Yet as those holes fill in
I do not like what I see
So many secrets
So much pain
My innocence was lost
No wonder I never acted like a child
Still I feel like it was
All on Me
Be strong, be brave
Be silent
Never tell a soul
No one will understand
This love we share
And so it went
All on Me
Even now as I remember
Each awful moment
I wonder what I could have done
To avoid it all together
I wonder what would have happened
If I had spoke up
However all the what ifs in the world
Will never change the fact that it is
All on Me
Sometimes I feel like the
Pain is going to last forever
I am so scared that the glimpse of happiness I once had
Is all I will ever see
Yet I won’t give up and
I won’t give in
Because if I do then he will win
Then it will be
All on Me
Instead of
All on Him
By: Jeanna York
10-21-2013
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
I remember as a child you were always there
Just a phone call away
Is what you used to say
Your voice was always so calming to me
I wish I could hear it now
As my heart is breaking
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
I remember when I would hear you were
Coming I would count the days
And then on the day you arrived
I would ditch dad to go be with you
I was a daddy’s girl yes
But I was more of a
Grandma’s girl for sure
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
You knew how to lift me up
When my spirits were down
So many times you gave me
A shoulder to cry on
You could make me smile even
When all I could find was a frown
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
So many times in life when I have been
At a crossroad and didn’t know
What way to go
All I had to do is think to myself
What would Grandma say?
And I always knew
What to do
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
I am going to miss the wisecracks
You telling me what to do
I am going to miss
Your wisdom you so readily shared with me
I will always miss the talks we had
Most of all I will always miss
You
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
So many times you made me laugh
When I felt like I was going to cry
You were the mom I never really had
A Grandma and a
Friend
I really wish time
could stop for just a few
Give me a chance to really say
Good Bye to you
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
I know you are
watching down on me
I know your love will always be there
I even know you will always be a part of me
However right now
In this moment my heart is still broken
It feels as though
someone punched me in the gut
I can’t even catch my breath
I know it will take time
And it has only been a few days
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
I know my life will go on
I know you would want it that way
However it will never be the same
I don’t know if I will ever get used to
Not being able to just pick up the phone
Whenever I think of you
Or need someone to talk to
I have a long road ahead of me
I wish you were here to walk with me
But I know you will be watching over me
So here is to you
All the love we shared
And all the love we will share
Until we meet again
Grandma I love you
&
Heaven Gained an Angel
When I Lost You
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
Hate
As a child I was taught to forgive
In my family hate was a bad word
I took it all in
Sometimes forgiving too easily
Yet here I am
Hurting more than I can say
Because in my heart is
Hate
I was always told that hate hurts the hater
More than the one who is hated
Maybe they are right
But what do you do when someone you love
Betrays you in so many ways
In just one day
When they cross a line that can’t be uncrossed
Even puts your well being in jeopardy
And the first thing you feel
After the shock is
Hate
I was told to sleep on it and I might feel
Different in the morning
Morning came
And the feeling is stronger
Not better
And as the day has passed
I feel as if my heart is about to explode
With all this
Hate
I am trying so hard
To rationalize
Turn this feeling around
Yet for every reason to forgive
A reason to not comes up too
The trust is all gone
My heart feels shattered
I feel like a fool
For ever trying to mend
The relationship
We never really had
I know it isn’t the Christian thing to do
But I just don’t feel that I
Can ever forgive her
Not this time
Not ever
There is too much bad blood between us
Now there is
Hate
By blood she is my mother
But that is where it ends
Because yesterday
She messed with my well being
My sanity
My life
She put me in-between a rock and a hard place
& I realized
That as much as I have always
Wanted her to love me
There has never been anything there
So now it is time to move on
Give up trying
Because I just can’t bring myself to love her
Anymore
All I feel is
Hate
By: Jeanna York
10/20/2013
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
~Behind This Smile~
These vicious memories are bogging me down
Like the weight of the world
Is resting on my shoulders
But no one can tell
As I am so good at keeping
It all well hidden
~Behind This Smile~
Voices screaming at me that I don’t deserve to live
They even tell me ways to end it all
They are so loud I can’t hear myself think
Let alone carry on a conversation
Yet I keep it all
~Behind This Smile~
Inside I am crying, I feel like I am dying
I never let it be known
I keep myself closed in
~Behind This Smile~
It is hard to look in the mirror
I don’t like the person staring back at me
She is so very ugly, filthy and fat
Who is this tramp I see
Oh ya that is me
So I try to hide myself
~Behind This Smile~
I feel like I am falling apart
It is getting harder and harder
Each and every day
So Linda I beg of you not to look into my eyes
I know if you do you will see
All that I am trying to hide
Please don’t hug me unless you want for me
To fall apart
Because a storm is a brewing
~Behind This Smile~
By Jeanna York
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2014
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Jeanna York Poem
~Don’t Fall ~
Yet another restless night
Bad dreams every other hour
I turn on the light hoping
It will calm me down
Yet it takes me back in time
And there he stands
Like a shadow in the night
Naked as can be
Laughing an evil laugh
As he says to me
Mio Piccola Puttana
I can’t let him get to me
So please teardrops
~Don’t Fall~
I look into the mirror
I see that pasty skin
Paired with double chins
I think to myself starving won’t Even get the fat off
Fast enough
I feel so defeated yet still
I tell myself
Teardrops
~Don’t Fall~
Looking for a way out
I feel like I am stuck inside my Past
Reliving every moment
One after another
It feels like it is happening all over Again
I feel the tears in my eyes so I say
Teardrops please
~Don’t Fall~
Now I can see him in the faces of Strangers
I feel so alone and out of place
I still force myself to get up each Day
Even though I want to hide
It is such a struggle
Day after day
And to add to the pain
I have to make sure those
Tears
~Don’t Fall~
If you touch me I might break
If you are hear to see me
Please don’t hurt me
That I wouldn’t be able to take
Know that I am like a dam ready To break
So if you were to hug me
Hold my hand or touch me
In any other comforting way
This dam may break
And there won’t be any telling
The tears
~Don’t Fall~
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
The Saddest Song
(I’ve Ever Heard)
No guitar no drums
No melody to be heard
Just the beat of my heart
Thud thud thud
Harder & harder
As the fear gets stronger
What is a girl to do when the one she loves the most?
Is also the one she fears the most
Saying no won’t help
He will do it anyway
With his manhood
With a knife or sometimes even a candle
The pain is more than I can bear
Yet I have to stay strong
He won’t stand for tears
So inside I cry
As I listen to the sound of
The Saddest Song
(I’ve Ever Heard)
I wanted so bad to tell
I wanted to make it all stop
Yet I was afraid of losing the one person
Who loved me the most
I didn’t want anyone to take him away
So I suffered in silence
I did my best to hide the pain
And the music played on for
The Saddest Song
(I’ve Ever Heard)
With a mother who didn’t seem to care
All I had was my dad
Yet he was the one who couldn’t control his
Desires
He was the one hurting me more & more
When it wasn’t him
It was his friends who paid to have a piece of the action
So I just retreated inside myself
So I didn’t have to feel the pain
Tried to block it out
Pretend I was someone else
Watching from a distance
Yet the pain still didn’t go away
And the tears never stopped falling
Inside of me
I felt so all alone
Listening to the sound of
The Saddest Song
(I’ve Ever Heard)
He passed away
I pushed the pain away
Locked it in a box in a space deep inside
Forgot it all until recently
Then the music started to play
And the memories came rushing back
The holes in my childhood are filling in
And for each new memory
A tear forms in my eyes
And no matter how hard I try
I can’t keep them from falling
Down my face
As I realize
The Saddest Song
(I’ve Ever Heard)
Is the story of my life
&
It I hadn’t remembered
It may have never been heard
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
Fading
There he stood at my door
Waiting for me to join him
In the secret room
I really didn’t know
That it wasn’t for him that I was going
He was being paid
For me to please one of his friends
Here I was six years old
&
Fading
My best friend and I
We knew each others pain
Yet we never talked about it
An unspoken understanding
We both just wanted to forget about it
She was my rock and I was hers
She was my voice of reason
I brought her out of her shell
Now she is gone and I am
Fading
As more memories come crashing in
Like intruders in the night
They are capturing my thoughts
Breaking my heart
I feel like I am falling apart
Out of control
Voices in my head tell me to go
But I don’t want to
Even though
I am
Fading
I still have a little fight in me
I refuse to let go
Maybe that is the strength my therapist
Sees in me
Even though I feel so weak
Broken down and beaten
I can’t even sleep
As I am slowly
Fading
I try to smile
I try to put on a happy face
So the world won’t see
The sadness inside
Yet this depression is getting hard to hide
I want to move on
I want to find that happiness
I once had a glimpse of
It is hard to see though
When I feel like I am
Fading
So here again I am flashing back
This time I was seven
I said I wouldn’t go to the room
I wanted to play with my rabbit instead
So my dad he walked over
Picked up my rabbit and
Snapped his neck
Then told me I could play with him
Instead
I didn’t cry I knew better than that
My heart was broken all the same
And as I come back to the present
I start to cry
For a little girl I have hidden inside
Then the voices get louder
As I start
Fading
I want so bad to pick up the phone
And call my grandma
Lord knows she was more like a mom to me
Then I remember
She has passed on
And although I really miss her
I know she would want me to carry on
Continue on my journey
To find peace & serenity
I know she wouldn’t want me to give in
So I stand and fight
Even though
I feel like heck
So sad and depressed
I hate myself more than anyone else
So maybe that is why I feel like
I am
Fading
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
So many times I have fought them
Why is this time so different?
I used to be a pro at keeping them at bay
Yet here I am today
Fighting to keep a float
They are taking all my strength away
Why can’t they see?
I don’t want them
I never want to let them fall
They are fighting even harder
Day by day
Minute by minute
Moment to moment
They only get stronger
As I get weaker
I really don’t know what to do
I don’t know how to stop them
But I don’t want them
Why won’t they listen?
Just go away
Let me get through today
Build up my strength
So I can go on fighting them
And keeping them away
I am afraid to even look my best friend in the eye
Because I know if she sees them
What she will say
She has said it so many times
I just don’t want to hear it
Especially not today
She tells me they are healthy
&
They are essential
I don’t want to believe it
In my mind all they do is get me into trouble
Yet she isn’t the only one who has said it
Someone else has said it too
She even said that it will happen
And here I am
Trying not to fall apart
Fighting to stay strong
I know she can’t predict the future
No one can
So I guess it can only mean one thing
She knows me too well
If it were anyone else
I would be freaking out right now
Instead I am praying for the strength
To fight
Not let them out
For the first time I hope
She isn’t right
I really don’t want them
As I said before
Yet they are trying hard
To fall
&
I feel like I may be fighting
A losing battle
Yet I will never quit fighting
If I have my way
They will never fall
I refuse to just let them
Out any door
Front or back
It doesn’t matter because
I don’t want them out
I need them to be locked away
All these
Tears
They just get in the way
Getting me in trouble
I never wanted them in anyway
Hopefully they will just go away
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2014
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Jeanna York Poem
We met when we were tiny
Our dads brought us together
We were different as night and day
You were shy
I was bold and out going
Yet we were drawn to each other
We became more than best friends
We were like sisters
We grew up together
Each bringing out the best
In one another
You were my voice of reason
You always kept me grounded
I brought you out of your shell
I was your shoulder to cry on
So why did you have to go
Don’t you know?
How much it hurt when you went
I tried so hard to keep you safe
From yourself that day
And you did it anyway
You took your life and left me
With
~No One~
It broke my heart standing there
As you left me
A police officer holding on to me
As I kept trying to run to you
I never cried
But I made a lot of noise
Screaming at him to let me go
I’m sure I even put a sailor to shame
I still miss you my dear friend
My sister
I wish you were here
To be a
Shoulder to cry on
I am afraid to ask anyone else
Meaning I have
~No One~
Every once in while
I feel your presence
I feel like you are whispering to me
Keep going keep moving on
You even seemed to guide me
To the person
Who would remind me of
You the most
She is kind
Understanding and caring
Not shy like you
Yet she is unique too
She makes me feel safe
Like you always did
There are so many ways she
Reminds me of you
Yet she is different too
Making her
Who she is
Best of all with her
I feel like I have
~Someone~
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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Jeanna York Poem
He always had such a loving smile
When he tucked me in at night
Outside playing games
We had a ball
He seemed like the perfect dad
Yet at least once a day that warmth would leave him
And when it did I knew
It was time to head to that secret room
Strip off my clothes
And do all I could to arouse his manhood
While inside I was barely
Holding On
I was the kid who everyone thought
Was oh so happy
I fooled so many
When I pasted that smile on
If they only knew
The thoughts that were going through my head
I had to wear long sleeves
And jeans even in the summer
To hide the scars
Of suicide attempts gone sour
Yet I kept plotting
The time, the place the way
It must not have been my time
Because here I still am today
I just know that if anyone had known
They would have been shocked
Because how many children
Would even have the knowledge
Or even understand
What it is to die
By their own hand
Especially as young as eight years old
I was the child
Who despite all my smiles
Was barely
Holding On
To this day
I still hear people say
What a wonderful man he was
Like a saint some say
And I wonder for a second
What they would have to say if they
Only knew
The monster he hid inside
Then I check myself
And I remember that I can’t say a word
I have to protect the family name
For the generations to come
So in this poem
Is the only place I can be heard
And as hard as it is
It is what I have
And I just have to try to keep
Holding On
What do you do?
When the world is so blue
You’re afraid to say much
So you don’t say a thing
Then it all festers up
And you feel all these emotions
Boiling over
Yet I know that I have to keep
Holding On
I can’t bring myself to hate him
I can’t even bring myself to blame him
I want so bad to keep holding on
To the images I always had
Before the memories came flooding in
They are all so overwhelming
I feel so out of control
I want to curl up in a corner and hide
But then the monster inside of him
Would win
So I try to keep
Holding On
Even though I feel like I am losing my grip
I look in the mirror
And I don’t even recognize the person I see
Because what is staring back at me is
A big blob of fat and filth
Where is this wonderful person everyone else
Tells me that they see
Strong and beautiful
I definitely don’t see
I know I am not blind
Because whoever she is
She can’t be me
&
While I am really slipping
Tired and worn out
I am not sure I am ready to give up
So I just hope
I can find a light
A reason to keep
Holding On
Copyright © Jeanna York | Year Posted 2013
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