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Rhyme Funny Poems | Rhyme Poems About Funny

These Rhyme Funny poems are examples of Rhyme poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Rhyme Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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GREEN- reborn

GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!!!

My name is Jade Shamrock Green.
I will not eat one single green bean.
When I get mad, I turn green.
I wear my favorite green jeans.
I am hypnotize by the color green.
Not every green path leads to a flowing stream.
I lay on the grass so green.
I won a jackpot of green.
To visit the Green Mountains in Vermont is like a dream.
My eyes are shaded green.
My jealousy comes in the color green.
I diet on green veggies that are lean.
The Green Bay Packers are my favorite team.
I believe all frogs should come in green.
It’s a family gift to carry a green thumb gene.
My garden has the greenest life I have ever seen.
Lemons are yellow, but limes are green.
The Irish do not all believe in green.
In my greenhouse all, the plants are full of good self-esteem.
I'm the jester who wore a green beret for the king and queen.
The unripe sour apple is moldy green!
Flicking me a green bugger is gross and mean.
Why do all leprechauns wear color green? 
Not all clovers have only three leafs of green.
Green is the middle color of the rainbow team.
Good Luck, Care Bear's charming eyes are emerald green.
My favorite color has always been green.
This is all about wearing green on March the seventeen.



.         (a) S.K.A.T. POETRY (re-post) by;p.d.
.                 3-17-10  (update) 3-17-11


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BERT'S WILL

"A cappuccino would be nice 
And thank you Anne dear friend. 
Since Bert has died I've felt quite lost, 
But time has helped things mend." 
 
"I guess what hurt the most dear Anne 
Was finding in Bert's will; 
To me he never left a thing; 
A truly bitter pill." 
 
"He never left you anything! 
I thought Bert more sincere, 
But is that diamond ring not new 
You're wearing sister dear?" 
 
"Well let me put it this way Anne. 
Bert's will did leave a bit; 
Five grand for a memorial stone 
And this dear Anne ... is it." 



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ALWAYS MOTHERS DAY

I have borrowed  the first line of this piece from the"unknown scribe" , which I 
read many years ago.... The rest is for ALL the great mothers who are SOUPER.


Who took me from my cosy cot  
And sat me on an ice cold pot  .
To make me pee ,when I could not..........  My mother

Who fed me from the very start
With bosomed milk , straight from the heart
Then burped me, 'till I'd belch and fart...... My mother

Who warmed me from the Winter breeze
Dried the blood from my skinned  knees
But told me "fibs" 'bout birds'n bees..........My mother

Who healed me when I had a chill
And nursery rhymed me Jack and Jill
But lied to Dad , about being on the pill...... My mother

Who coaxed me past the school day bell
Smiled and said .. all would be well
But then went home and cried like Hell.......My mother

Who was protector from life's curse
Was doctor , dentist , priest and nurse
Friendly Bank ,with open purse...................My mother

Who lies beneath this cold grey stone
In peace ,at last , and all alone
The first true love that I had known.................. Mam
                                                                                           x


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BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops


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Dumb Questions

I was changing a tire and the neighbor walked by
Stood and looked a while, then he said Hi
Got a flat? he asked and this made me grin
I said no, just changing the old air and putting new stuff in.

Was coughing and sneezing. My throat was on fire
Got a bad cold? My wife did inquire
No, it's not really bad. It is a good one
I love watery eyes and watching my nose run.

I was on a bus and on my newspaper I sat
The guy next to me asked "Are you reading that"
I said yes. Reading through your butt is all the new rage.
Then I stood up and turned the page.

Dentist hit a nerve and I came up out of the chair
Did that hurt? He asked as though he really did care.
I said no, there was a spiritual woman I used to date
And she was teaching me how to levitate.

I hit a pothole with my car one night
It made such a loud noise it gave my wife a fright
Didn't you see it she began to cry
Of course I did. I hit it. Didn't I.

Once I tripped on one of my little guy's toys
Fell down the stairs and my wife heard the noise
Did you miss a step? She screamed from the hall
I said "No Dear, I think I hit them all."


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Just Desserts

I was at my favourite restaurant and had a lovely meal
If I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal
I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat
The dessert menu was on its way, Oh I couldn’t wait for that

The waitress bought the menus and I rubbed my hands with glee
Oh sticky toffee pudding, now that’s the one for me
She came to take the order – we had waited as you do
She finally turned to me and said ‘oh Madam what can I get you’

Oh stiffy cockie pudding please was my swift reply
I didn’t realise what I’d said till I saw the tears form in her eye
I went as red as a beetroot and the others began to laugh
At my spoonerism which turned into a complete gaffe

The pudding it came quickly but I couldn’t wait to leave
I choked on every mouthful and my stomach it did heave
So please take notice of my error on this horrendous day
If you order sticky toffee pudding be careful what you say!

This is a true experience! The waitress was a student at the school I work at - I was so pleased when she went to university - I have never ordered this dessert since!

Submitted to Richard's Beginnings Matter Contest  - It had taken a month of badgering by my friend jenny Brewer to even pluck up courage to post my poems - I wondered how my humour would be appreciated!
~awarded 2nd place~

This is my first poem posted here and it is my first poem to be published in a book by United Press


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SOUP COMMENTS

Some say my work's artistic
Some think my work is plain
Some say my work is brilliant
Some are convinced that I'm insane

Some have called me romantic
Some have called me a beast
Some go into great details
Some are brief to say the least

Some use fancy punctuation
Some capitalize everything
Some offer me hugs, even kisses
Some others are down right mean

Some feel things I'm writing
Some just cut and paste
Some make me want to dance
Some others are just a waste

Date: 11-2-14


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Newton's Law

I was inattentive in Science class one day
When the teacher at random looked my way
I didn't look up, I wouldn't dare
There's no escaping that intense glare.

Asked me to explain to the class
Newton's Law of Gravity and mass
My mind was a blank, heartbeats louder
For an answer I started to flounder.

I stood before the class trembling with fear
"Gravity" I said...and then oh dear!!!
I fell off the stage on to the floor
How the class with laughter did roar.

The children tittered in great amusement
They didn't know my sad predicament
The teacher said, "You've demonstrated gravity"
"Although you did it with much levity".

At length I returned to my seat
With many applause did they greet
Now I look back upon this and ponder
I decide to listen and not let my mind wander.


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What I Think

Honey it's probaly not best befor I have
a drink.
To look deep in my eyes and ask what 
I think.

Cause Im  far from a romantic and
your far from a thinker.
Short skirt nice legs.
Your a go go dancer  and I just another drinker.

After a few glasses I'll savor  that last drop. 
I'll lose my mind.
And hopefully you'll lose your top.  

have a private party for only two.
well shed more than ambition.
 As i drink outta your shoe.


I'll empty your liquor cabbinet  and you'll keep
my wallet shrinkin.
My dear it dont take a rocket scientist to
figure out what Im thinkin.


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Where Frozen Embers Still Burn : The Funny Version

where frozen embers still burn
my doctor says is a thing you earn
i ask him if it is a large mass
as he quietly looks up my ass

i politely tell him it is on this side not there
he says he is being thorough there a pair
true i guess though i'm sure one hangs lower
much lower than the other up and over

where frozen embers still burn
i thought had cleared up in my youth
i knew i shouldn't have slept with Ruth
i should have done an about turn

everyone warned me about her
in fact that's why i courted her
what they thought i should fear
sounded like music to my ear

i lost the other ear while i was out hunting
there's a frozen ember i still hear ringing
just then i hear the Doc yell with an echo
his face still behind me his mouth down low

its not your balls those are hemorrhoids
boy their big they must be on steroids
be sensitive there sir those are my parts
makes you want to release a couple of farts

where frozen hemorrhoids burn and hang
no woman should yearn to touch or bang
i'll get them removed my dear lassies
don't mind mine and i won't your falsies
 
if per chance this deep poetry i just penned
has got you hot and thinking of my tight end
where frozen embers still burn my heart is yours
a woman as special as you this old man adores


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Tinker

A pint size spit fire that you are.
A wreckless goth chic with a permanent scare.
She fought all the girls and half the guys.
broke more than a nail and never cries.


A loveless girl so mad at love.
When ya ask for a hug she'll 
just give ya a shove.

At only seventeen  she's  a  way better 
drinker.
Most call her trouble .
But we just know her as tinker.

Loves poetry  in dishing out pain.
talks lot of trash. And hits like a train.
Just joinned the hells angels.
I think this girls insane.

After she hit me with that tire iron
im really not much of a thinker.
Hell knows no fury.
Like a seventeen year old spitfire 
called Tinker.      


Dedicated to the real life Tinker Id say your name 
But I like breathing to much. 


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The Pirates Life

    He stands upon the salty,slippery deck,
Yelling yaargh matey ,
with a halfhearted pirate drawl.
He's not to impressed with himself,
not an eyepatch or wooden leg,
not even a hooked claw.
The parrot on his shoulder,
is a wannabee,
a sparrow that fell from the Crowsnest, 
from high up above.
It has no quips ,or spikes,
or pirate quotes,
just nesting on his shoulder 
with birdly kind of love.
Aye captain the crew responds,
snapping to their chores.
Tend the wheel ,lash the mainsail,
take the soundings
 less we hit a reef.
The sea going life is not for every man,
walking the plank,storms and rickets.
Crabs in your knickers ,
really give you grief.
Aah but when the wind fills the sails to bursting,
yards of canvas strain to be free.
And the ropes play ,sea going music
of a tension melody.
A song that captures
every young buccaneers heart ,
and soul and fancy.
For the music of the wanderers life,
an endless expanse of blue,
bravehearts and fearless men find,
quite a bit too chancy.
Black Beard,Yellow Beard,
the famous Captain Blood,
were all fearless pirates of their day.
He truly knows that he can be,
a great one too.
If he could ever find that bleeping map,
and escape this landlocked bay.


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Soul Of An Angel, Life Of A Moonshiner

He served as a deacon in his church and was as pious as they come.
(But on the side, he sold whiskey from a thirty-gallon drum!)
He taught the junior high Sunday school class and was a Bible scholar.
(But on the side, he 'stilled moonshine way back up in the holler!)

He was faithful in tithing ten percent of his ill-gotten gain.
(For his John Barleycorn he used only the best obtainable grain!)
He occupied the same pew every Sunday listening with attentive ear.
(It was rumored about that he also brewed some very potent beer!)

He proffered an "amen" at appropriate times and wore a suit and tie.
(He was renowned throughout the county for his very delectable rye!)
His tenor voice blended well when singing, "I Love Thy Kingdom, Lord."
(On back roads he did a bit of bootlegging in his hopped-up V-8 Ford!)

He was the first to offer succor to widows, orphans and others left bereft.
(He'd run his still for years - at evading "revenooers" he was very deft!)
When folks were needed to serve on committees he was first to volunteer.
(When asked his occupation he replied, "I'm a 'Spirit'ual Engineer!")

At Yuletide he was generous with the preacher giving him a beef, cash and pork.
(At the annual church picnic he surreptitiously passed a bottle to uncork!)
There couldn't be found a finer saint in all of Boondock County, Kentucky.
(He'll continue to "minister" to parched throats thereabouts - if he's lucky!)

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(© All Rights Reserved)

Won First Place in the April 2011 Soup International Contest - September 2011
First Place in Paula Swanson's "Fill In The Blanks" Contest - June 2010


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My Puppy

My puppy sure loves to lick me
He thinks I’m a lollypop.
Every time I get home he attacks me
Then kisses me nonstop.

You’d think I was gone forever
When I just left the house for the mail,
He is right at the door when I get back
With a rapidly wiggling tail.

He wants to eat everything I do,
Mom says, that’s not good for a dog.
We want to keep him fit and healthy
So daily we go for a jog.

My toys are all tattered and ragged
My socks are his ultimate aim,
Doesn’t matter how much it upsets us
He thinks it’s all some kind of game.

I know he’s a bit of a stinker
That always wants to be fed.
But I sure am in love with my puppy,
Every night when we cuddle in bed.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
2012


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Poems for My Alien Abductors: a Ride into Space

I thought I could wow them with poems from earth
Poems of joy and humor, poems extolling it’s worth
So I laid out poems from Michael, Gail, and me
From Andrea, David, Gwen, and Ilene
From PD, Harry, Mandy, and Chris
From Jack, Craig, Cyndi, and Liz…
For I was sure once they read our beautiful works
They would embrace us and love our humanly quirks!
So last night I taped them all over my skin
Knowing they’d find them if they took me again…

When I woke up, they were gone and I had a reply:
“We enjoyed reading those poems last night, 
And thanks for the names of the earthlings too -
We have many more experiments to do!”


2/7/13
For Michael's boomerang...send your poem for a ride contest


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Keep It Turnin' to the Right

Oklahoma cowboy, tough coal miner’s son
Born in Henryetta, south of Tulsa some
Raised by daddy’s momma, taught him wrong from right
Daddy taught him ropin’, taught him how to fight
 
Herding made no money, its stock was really down
Mamaw feeling poorly, dad mining at Old Town
December seventeenth, in the year of twenty-nine
Dad was shoring timber, 9th west entry of the mine
 
The gas ignited close to him, he never smelt its breath
It belched out fire and thunder, and everlasting death
Sixty-one they counted, who wouldn’t see the sun
Twenty-five weren't recognized, they buried them as one
 
On that fatal Tuesday, the boy became a man
Had to make a living, had to have a plan
Heard about the oil patch, got a chance to try it
Drill the earth for all she’s worth; keep it turnin' to the right

Some they called him weevil, some they called him worm
Some they wouldn't speak to him, figgered he was just short term
They told him "Open up that vee door; go to get the key
It's in the possum belly, in doghouse number three"

Took his turns at floor hand, at first a little green
Became the fastest broke out hand the driller ever seen
Morning tour, evening tour, working day and night
Drilled the earth for all she's worth, kept it turnin' to the right

The driller called him partner; the pusher called him son
The other roughnecks shook his hand, and took him in as one
Got up on the monkeyboard; learned to spin the chain
Pumped that mud and shed his blood, and worked right through the pain

On a bitter frosty evening tour, in a cold December snow
He saw derricks lit like Christmas trees in distance far below
He saw the fairyland of the refinery, shining through the night
He saw Mother Earth and the universe, all turning to the right

The oil patch was a hard life, moving all the time
But he saved a lot of money, didn't waste a dime
Morning tour, evening tour, working day and night
Drilled the earth for all she's worth, kept it turnin' to the right

Sent his kids to college, working through the years
One became a teacher, the others engineers
He hung up his hardhat; he shed his steel-toed shoes
Then one day he passed away; he'd finally paid his dues

Made it to the Pearly Gates; they handed him his wings
Handed 'em right back to them; said "I don't need these things.
I want to do some drilling. That's my heavenly plan."
They said "Go talk to the Devil then, cause he's the company man."

Old Scratch needed hellfire; he always come up short
Too many politicians and others of that sort
When he heard they had a driller, he jumped up with delight
He danced a jig, "You've got your rig. Keep it turnin' to the right."

Now he drills for hellfire; in the derrick he's got Jake
Buck and Sam on the platform; Sonny's on the brake
They all grin like demons; they're all where they belong
Doing what they love to do, they sing their roughneck song

"We all eat caliche and drink the devil's brew
Play dominos with Satan and skunk him at forty-two
Work all day on Sunday and honky-tonk all night
We're oilfield trash and we'll take cash to keep it turnin' to the right

We all love West Texas; it's like the Promised Land
Horny toads and rocky roads, and even dunes of sand
Dust storms every morning, northers every night
We get tans and freeze our cans to keep it turnin' to the right"

The lingo used around the rig you won't hear much in church
It'll curl your hair and make you stare and leave you in the lurch
So close your eyes and realize it's gonna get much worse
Drink your beers and plug your ears; here comes the final verse

"We p*ss longneck Lone Stars; we f*rt Frito pie
Give us ****, and we will spit some Red Man in your eye
Don't **** with us, or we will cuss and bring you to the fight
We're low class, but we kick *** to keep it turning to the right"

8/10/2012
Coal mining, oil drilling and Hell - Doesn't get much darker and deeper...


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Kitten In The Barn

It’s always a good practice when living on a farm, To have a family of cats living in the barn They always keep the rats and mice at bay and furnish humor too – Wherever you find kittens there’s usually a laugh or two. Now, I remember one time, I was out there milking cows, When I noticed three young kittens, out and on the prowl. One, a fine young tomcat, was really acting brave And I wondered if he faced some fear just how he would behave. Skillfully I squeezed and threw some milk across his face – He winced a bit, then licked his lips – he knew he’d found the place. We played around awhile and soon the playing stalled When he stopped and took a minute to answer nature’s call. He didn’t know it but he backed himself up to a fresh cow pad He grunted; then had the best little poop a kitten ever had. He turned around to cover it; then began the fun. He knew what he saw lying there was more than he had done. He arched his back, let out a scream and broke into a run. I thought, at first, it might have been something I had done. But soon it was no mystery what scared that little cat. There was the giant pile of poop I couldn’t help laughing at. This kitten was the alpha kitten of the litter Who ultimately proved to me that he was no quitter. So, when the time came to find him a name… Well ….. I just called him……”Fraidy” Written By John Posey 05/29/13


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SANTA'S SICK

Santa's hurting
head to toe
Santa's moving
kinda slow
Santa's sore
between the buns
Santa's got
the Christmas runs
Santa says
he has the flu
Santa's afraid
he'll give it to you
Santa should have
washed his hands
Santa needs to
change his plans
Santa needs
two bags this year
One for vomit
and one for cheer
Santa says
in spite of this blight
Merry Christmas to all
to all a good night

Contest: Jerry's "What's Up With Santa"
Date: 11-30-14
Poet: LyricMan


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You Can Hug Anyone You Want To

(This poem was inspired by my friend's grandma who said, and I quote, "You can hug anyone you want to." I dedicate it to all the sweetie poets who give "hugs.")


You can hug anyone you want to.
It's something everyone can do.

(There are many reactions from one act.
Proceed with caution so you don't get smacked.)

You can hug any way you like.
Keep it loose, or grab 'em tight.

Hug with a manly guttural noise,
or hug like a lady with grace and poise.

Sometimes just one hand will do.
Hug the way that best suits you.

Hug to ward off tears and sorrow.
Hug like you're going to die tomorrow.

Hug sister Suzy. Hug uncle Al.
Hug anyone to make a new pal.

Hug 'em big. Hug 'em small.
Hug 'em one. Hug 'em all.

Hug 'em in a group or two by two,
so the pleasure's not all about you.

Hug with a spin. Even make it an art.
Just make sure you hug with your heart.

It's as simple as a shoulder shrug.
Everybody could use a hug.

You can hug anyone you want to.
Watch your back, cuz I might hug you.


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FOREPLAY

Yer briny whore
akin to boar
wit' mangy hide 'n scurvy-pocked
chomped 'n chewed
me black 'n blue
wit' carnassial chompers as of croc

Be curs'd, yer nit  
me ample bits
equated ter yer own be nowt 
yerz be carnivorous  
scaly 'n scabrous
yer plaque be axed ter beef up grout

Uncomely wench 
yer skunky stench
blunted me hook 'n scorched me beard
me peepers stung
me hornpipe hung
shorn ter th' bone 'n shrivelled 'n seared

Comely 'n curvy
riddled wit' scurvy
th' cap'n's whore-maid tooken yer whole
yer rat o' th' sea
holed and *****
yer fired yer cannon in a rottin' port'ole


Blow me down, lover!!  I love it when we talk dirty.

(Hahahaha.  I see the Soup powers-that-be deleted my word.  I swear it's not used as a swearword.  The word rhymes with "hussy".   lol)


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Upside Down

If the leaf wore a tree
And the ocean ate fish;
If a flower sucked the bee
And beans ate the dish;
If a beggar was chief
And a boy was a girl
A song would be brief
If a bird wore a curl.
If the grass chewed the cow
And night turned to day
I'm wondering how
Work might be play.
Wouldn't it be great
If the sun was the moon
If early was late
And a line lost its tune.
If all of these things
Were natural to do;
Then a song wouldn't sing
And teeth wouldn't chew.
              ***


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A Gentle Kiss

A gentle kiss, that I really must send To another true, and very dear friend Pucker up babe, it's coming your way And riding a storm, so it should be there today I licked my lips before I blew, so I know it's going to stick But with all the lightning, it might have a little kick So when it hits your lips, it might give off a little spark Now what started off as a gentle kiss, might be leaving you in the dark <3
*For my sweety* *Elizabeth Wesley* Love,Dannyboy 8-24-12


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A Drunken Clown Poet

This is really kind of a sad story But please sit yourself down For the words I'm going to bestow upon you Will make you feel your watching a drunken clown As I bow to gracefully greet you My silly hat suddenly slips from my head As I look to the ground and try to focus on it I feel as if I should have stayed home in bed Bending over I slowly reach for it Then feel my face suddenly kissing the ground Now the happy smile that I painted on my face Has been smeared into a big ugly frown Standing back up and trying to gather myself I slowly begin to reach into my empty hat But the dove that was supposed to be hidden in there Is no longer where it should be at So I reach to my sleeve for some flowers Only to notice they are no longer there I happen to pull out some fine ladies undies To my amazement I think,what a nice pair Then I reach to my other sleeve for something Though so afraid of what it might be I pull out a picture of my drunken self standing In a photo box by a bar,casually taking a pee In such embarassment I then begin to stumble These big floppy shoes are too heavy for me today I then reach into my pocket to find this here poem Leaving me wonder,how will I to pay off my bar tab this way
Danny Boy Kearley:1-14-13 Not at all a true story..Ha,ha... Just some silly words from my head(Hic-up) :o)


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No American Idol

A gentle hush fell over the pond
The crickets ceased their evening song
Many jewel-toned feathers circled and flew
And perched as tonight's "Idol" audience grew

Poor little bird looks out from his tree top place
His voice must enthrall them in the "Idol" race!!
He must choose the right song, and be a hit, 
Just one more chance is all he gets!

Oh My! He sees Jennifer Lovebird, soft feathered, and fair
And Steven Tucan, in the judging chair!!
Ol’ Randy Jaybird with his ‘Hot Dog’ hoots!
Oh dear, this poor little songbird, is shaking in his boots!

With stage fright, he fears his chance is bleak
He opens up his tiny beak
With not even one tender note, so sweet
All he can muster,  is one awful squeak!!

Quickly, Ryan Redbrest flaps his wings....hops to the branch
And clamps him shut, without a glance!
Poor little bird,....! He's lost his chance!
To sing among the tallest trees,
To win the prize, with songs to please...
Or be a part of history!     :(  
               So off he flies, into the breeze....!   


-------------------------------------------------------------------
For Francine Roberts Contest "Enough!"


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YOU CALL THIS POETRY

You call this poetry
I'm sorry I must confess
Your recent work
Why, it's a complete mess
Your rhymes aren't good
The story's not compelling
Where's this going
There's really no telling
You think it's clever
I don't mean to criticize
But your latest poem
Put a hurting on my eyes
Are you embarrassed
You didn't print your name
But this looks familiar
So I'll guess just the same
What's that you say..
Oh my, can that be true
No wonder I recognized it
The poet's me and not you

Contest: Linda's "A Poem Not Entered Into A Contest #13"
Date: 9-13-14
Poet: Lyric Man


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THE VANISHING ORGAN

Sam Ebenezer
a sad ol' geezer
was lamenting his shrinkage of late:
my worthless ding-a-ling
is a bell without ring
my manhood in diminishing state
 
From whence I salute
is thin as a flute
and soft to the touch as cashmere
I search with persistence
it offers resistance
on nature's call to appear
 
On heeding that call
no waterfall
a few errant droplets at best
where once from the middle
I gushed, now I piddle
and half of my load veers west
 
Both feet on the urn
pushing forth from astern
I chant 'emerge hocus-pocus'
with my punctured esteem
watch the pitiful stream
dwindle to drops as Limp loses focus
 
Our wee-membered friend
wished his size to amend
the stiffness rerouted from his joints
have it rise to occasion
and stand to attention
consulted ol' Doc for his viewpoint:

My snake is dead
no flesh;  just head
lies comatose and useless 
my garden hose
once warmed my toes
now wrinkled, dry and juiceless 

The senile old doctor
by name Alfred Proctor
had most of his wit in absentia
his breath smelt cheesy
Ebenezer felt queasy
Doc clearly suffered from senile dementia
 
Doc's hand took a dip
to just 'neath his ribs 
as Ebenezer voiced his concern
Doc smiled all the while
said:  your hopes are futile
there's no cure for your vanishing organ
 
I lost my virility
before my senility
long mourned my lost pride-and-joy
put my plight to rest
on realizing I'm blessed
to have in hand my own built-in toy

**************************************



Details | Rhyme | |

Don't Hug And Drive

On this eve before New Years I resolved to be cheerful
But while driving my car, another car bumped me
The driver got out, and he gave me an ear full!
It took but a moment, and I knew he was beer filled!
Disgusted and angry, I found myself grumpy
I called the police, and they came to the crash
So I cheered up, and resolved, and expressed my relief
So happy, I hugged them and offered a kiss 
Well they thought ME imbibed!!!
So they took me inside
And into a jail cell...I was thrown like a flash
My mood isn't good...I'm as mad as a hen!!
My great resolution has faded again!
How can this girl be happy,
When justice kidnaps me?
I'm spending my New Year's locked up in the pen!!

                                     ~

________________________________
For Regina's  New Year Resolutions contest :)
Just Kidding, of course !!!!


Details | Rhyme | |

What's up with Santa

                                 I played a nasty joke on Santa
                                     once on Christmas Eve,
                                  I put some exlax in his milk,
                                       and he drank it clean.

                                                (hehe)

                           Now that’s one Christmas I remember,
                           Dad sat on the Lu till end of December




                              Another time we greased the roof
                                      My brother Clay and I,
                                       Hoping to catch Santa
                                      when we heard him cry.

                                                (Nothing)

                         Another Christmas I couldn’t forget soon,
                      Dads leg was in a cast, till the middle of June.




                        The next year we decided to write old Santa
                                    And apologize for our tricks,
                                   I guess old Nick squealed on us,
                                 Cause dad came with THE stick.

                                                   (Ouch)




                    I believe Santa's still mad at me and my brother Clay
               Cause he never brings our kids, presents on Christmas day.


                                              (Party pooper)


Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
11.29.2014
Contest: What’s up With Santa
G 4


Details | Rhyme | |

I Get the Feeling

When you pack my luggage but won't pack my lunch
When you lock me out I get a hunch
When you put thumb tacks on the bathroom floor
I get the feeling you don't love me no more

I found hair remover in my can of Rogaine
The nail in my car seat caused me so much pain
When you microwave my favorite CD
I get the feeling you don't care for me

When you toss a salad but it's at my head
When you squeeze my neck until my face turns red
Then keep on squeezing until the red turns blue
I get the feeling that you think we're through

When you let the dog shred my brand new shoes
When you put a laxative in my jar of booze
When you say your nightmare began the day we met
I get the feeling that you are upset

When you cut off the arms on my overcoat
And try to put a rope around my throat
Then mix Ben Gay with my jock itch cream
I get the feeling you like to see me scream

When you lean an axe against the bedroom wall
And start putting needles in a voodoo doll
Then pull a knife and say come on let's play
I get the feeling I should go away


Details | Rhyme | |

My Dilemma of Soup, or No Love For The Crackers

Oh, nicker.  Oh, nacker.
I broke my poor cracker
While putting it in my soup.
I just wanted a nibble,
But the soup had to quibble,
And thus all my plans turned to poop.

So now I'm here sittin'
A poor man quite smitten
With no other crackers to spare,
On soup that's unlawful,
So twisted and awful,
That it kills with no thought and no care. 

Why can't it relate,
And learn not to hate,
My crunchy, crisp wafers of bread,
It would have much more fun
Not to mention for one,
My crackers won't all end up dead.

I suppose it’s too much
To ask soup for such
A commitment to love other food.
But till its attitude mends,
And it learns to make friends,
I believe that my crackers are screwed.