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Rhyme Funny Poems | Rhyme Poems About Funny

These Rhyme Funny poems are examples of Rhyme poems about Funny. These are the best examples of Rhyme Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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GREEN- reborn

GREEN, GREEN, GREEN!!!

My name is Jade Shamrock Green.
I will not eat one single green bean.
When I get mad, I turn green.
I wear my favorite green jeans.
I am hypnotize by the color green.
Not every green path leads to a flowing stream.
I lay on the grass so green.
I won a jackpot of green.
To visit the Green Mountains in Vermont is like a dream.
My eyes are shaded green.
My jealousy comes in the color green.
I diet on green veggies that are lean.
The Green Bay Packers are my favorite team.
I believe all frogs should come in green.
It’s a family gift to carry a green thumb gene.
My garden has the greenest life I have ever seen.
Lemons are yellow, but limes are green.
The Irish do not all believe in green.
In my greenhouse all, the plants are full of good self-esteem.
I'm the jester who wore a green beret for the king and queen.
The unripe sour apple is moldy green!
Flicking me a green bugger is gross and mean.
Why do all leprechauns wear color green? 
Not all clovers have only three leafs of green.
Green is the middle color of the rainbow team.
Good Luck, Care Bear's charming eyes are emerald green.
My favorite color has always been green.
This is all about wearing green on March the seventeen.



.         (a) S.K.A.T. POETRY (re-post) by;p.d.
.                 3-17-10  (update) 3-17-11


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BERT'S WILL

"A cappuccino would be nice 
And thank you Anne dear friend. 
Since Bert has died I've felt quite lost, 
But time has helped things mend." 
 
"I guess what hurt the most dear Anne 
Was finding in Bert's will; 
To me he never left a thing; 
A truly bitter pill." 
 
"He never left you anything! 
I thought Bert more sincere, 
But is that diamond ring not new 
You're wearing sister dear?" 
 
"Well let me put it this way Anne. 
Bert's will did leave a bit; 
Five grand for a memorial stone 
And this dear Anne ... is it." 



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ALWAYS MOTHERS DAY

I have borrowed  the first line of this piece from the"unknown scribe" , which I 
read many years ago.... The rest is for ALL the great mothers who are SOUPER.


Who took me from my cosy cot  
And sat me on an ice cold pot  .
To make me pee ,when I could not..........  My mother

Who fed me from the very start
With bosomed milk , straight from the heart
Then burped me, 'till I'd belch and fart...... My mother

Who warmed me from the Winter breeze
Dried the blood from my skinned  knees
But told me "fibs" 'bout birds'n bees..........My mother

Who healed me when I had a chill
And nursery rhymed me Jack and Jill
But lied to Dad , about being on the pill...... My mother

Who coaxed me past the school day bell
Smiled and said .. all would be well
But then went home and cried like Hell.......My mother

Who was protector from life's curse
Was doctor , dentist , priest and nurse
Friendly Bank ,with open purse...................My mother

Who lies beneath this cold grey stone
In peace ,at last , and all alone
The first true love that I had known.................. Mam
                                                                                           x


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BLACK and BLUE

BLACK and BLUE

Today I wonder, 
Wonder why?
You hit me in the eye, 
you made me cry.

My eyes are brown,
Now they're black and blue.
Is that what I get for loving you?

My lips are pink, now they're bloody red.
Is that what I get!!!
Do you wish I were dead?

My teeth are white, 
I just lost three, 
Is that what I get over a little fight? 
 
I see a smile underneath,
I see you leaving with the police.
I finally got rid of you.
I can't believe I waited, 
UNTIL I WAS BLACK AND BLUE.
        
 SK

NOTE: True story, I finally did the right thing and called the cops


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Dumb Questions

I was changing a tire and the neighbor walked by
Stood and looked a while, then he said Hi
Got a flat? he asked and this made me grin
I said no, just changing the old air and putting new stuff in.

Was coughing and sneezing. My throat was on fire
Got a bad cold? My wife did inquire
No, it's not really bad. It is a good one
I love watery eyes and watching my nose run.

I was on a bus and on my newspaper I sat
The guy next to me asked "Are you reading that"
I said yes. Reading through your butt is all the new rage.
Then I stood up and turned the page.

Dentist hit a nerve and I came up out of the chair
Did that hurt? He asked as though he really did care.
I said no, there was a spiritual woman I used to date
And she was teaching me how to levitate.

I hit a pothole with my car one night
It made such a loud noise it gave my wife a fright
Didn't you see it she began to cry
Of course I did. I hit it. Didn't I.

Once I tripped on one of my little guy's toys
Fell down the stairs and my wife heard the noise
Did you miss a step? She screamed from the hall
I said "No Dear, I think I hit them all."


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SOUP COMMENTS

Some say my work's artistic
Some think my work is plain
Some say my work is brilliant
Some are convinced that I'm insane

Some have called me romantic
Some have called me a beast
Some go into great details
Some are brief to say the least

Some use fancy punctuation
Some capitalize everything
Some offer me hugs, even kisses
Some others are down right mean

Some feel things I'm writing
Some just cut and paste
Some make me want to dance
Some others are just a waste

Date: 11-2-14


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The Pirates Life

    He stands upon the salty,slippery deck,
Yelling yaargh matey ,
with a halfhearted pirate drawl.
He's not to impressed with himself,
not an eyepatch or wooden leg,
not even a hooked claw.
The parrot on his shoulder,
is a wannabee,
a sparrow that fell from the Crowsnest, 
from high up above.
It has no quips ,or spikes,
or pirate quotes,
just nesting on his shoulder 
with birdly kind of love.
Aye captain the crew responds,
snapping to their chores.
Tend the wheel ,lash the mainsail,
take the soundings
 less we hit a reef.
The sea going life is not for every man,
walking the plank,storms and rickets.
Crabs in your knickers ,
really give you grief.
Aah but when the wind fills the sails to bursting,
yards of canvas strain to be free.
And the ropes play ,sea going music
of a tension melody.
A song that captures
every young buccaneers heart ,
and soul and fancy.
For the music of the wanderers life,
an endless expanse of blue,
bravehearts and fearless men find,
quite a bit too chancy.
Black Beard,Yellow Beard,
the famous Captain Blood,
were all fearless pirates of their day.
He truly knows that he can be,
a great one too.
If he could ever find that bleeping map,
and escape this landlocked bay.


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Poems for My Alien Abductors: a Ride into Space

I thought I could wow them with poems from earth
Poems of joy and humor, poems extolling it’s worth
So I laid out poems from Michael, Gail, and me
From Andrea, David, Gwen, and Ilene
From PD, Harry, Mandy, and Chris
From Jack, Craig, Cyndi, and Liz…
For I was sure once they read our beautiful works
They would embrace us and love our humanly quirks!
So last night I taped them all over my skin
Knowing they’d find them if they took me again…

When I woke up, they were gone and I had a reply:
“We enjoyed reading those poems last night, 
And thanks for the names of the earthlings too -
We have many more experiments to do!”


2/7/13
For Michael's boomerang...send your poem for a ride contest


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FOREPLAY

Yer briny whore
akin to boar
wit' mangy hide 'n scurvy-pocked
chomped 'n chewed
me black 'n blue
wit' carnassial chompers as of croc

Be curs'd, yer nit  
me ample bits
equated ter yer own be nowt 
yerz be carnivorous  
scaly 'n scabrous
yer plaque be axed ter beef up grout

Uncomely wench 
yer skunky stench
blunted me hook 'n scorched me beard
me peepers stung
me hornpipe hung
shorn ter th' bone 'n shrivelled 'n seared

Comely 'n curvy
riddled wit' scurvy
th' cap'n's whore-maid tooken yer whole
yer rat o' th' sea
holed and *****
yer fired yer cannon in a rottin' port'ole


Blow me down, lover!!  I love it when we talk dirty.

(Hahahaha.  I see the Soup powers-that-be deleted my word.  I swear it's not used as a swearword.  The word rhymes with "hussy".   lol)


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Upside Down

If the leaf wore a tree
And the ocean ate fish;
If a flower sucked the bee
And beans ate the dish;
If a beggar was chief
And a boy was a girl
A song would be brief
If a bird wore a curl.
If the grass chewed the cow
And night turned to day
I'm wondering how
Work might be play.
Wouldn't it be great
If the sun was the moon
If early was late
And a line lost its tune.
If all of these things
Were natural to do;
Then a song wouldn't sing
And teeth wouldn't chew.
              ***


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Kitten In The Barn

It’s always a good practice when living on a farm, To have a family of cats living in the barn They always keep the rats and mice at bay and furnish humor too – Wherever you find kittens there’s usually a laugh or two. Now, I remember one time, I was out there milking cows, When I noticed three young kittens, out and on the prowl. One, a fine young tomcat, was really acting brave And I wondered if he faced some fear just how he would behave. Skillfully I squeezed and threw some milk across his face – He winced a bit, then licked his lips – he knew he’d found the place. We played around awhile and soon the playing stalled When he stopped and took a minute to answer nature’s call. He didn’t know it but he backed himself up to a fresh cow pad He grunted; then had the best little poop a kitten ever had. He turned around to cover it; then began the fun. He knew what he saw lying there was more than he had done. He arched his back, let out a scream and broke into a run. I thought, at first, it might have been something I had done. But soon it was no mystery what scared that little cat. There was the giant pile of poop I couldn’t help laughing at. This kitten was the alpha kitten of the litter Who ultimately proved to me that he was no quitter. So, when the time came to find him a name… Well ….. I just called him……”Fraidy” Written By John Posey 05/29/13


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You Can Hug Anyone You Want To

(This poem was inspired by my friend's grandma who said, and I quote, "You can hug anyone you want to." I dedicate it to all the sweetie poets who give "hugs.")


You can hug anyone you want to.
It's something everyone can do.

(There are many reactions from one act.
Proceed with caution so you don't get smacked.)

You can hug any way you like.
Keep it loose, or grab 'em tight.

Hug with a manly guttural noise,
or hug like a lady with grace and poise.

Sometimes just one hand will do.
Hug the way that best suits you.

Hug to ward off tears and sorrow.
Hug like you're going to die tomorrow.

Hug sister Suzy. Hug uncle Al.
Hug anyone to make a new pal.

Hug 'em big. Hug 'em small.
Hug 'em one. Hug 'em all.

Hug 'em in a group or two by two,
so the pleasure's not all about you.

Hug with a spin. Even make it an art.
Just make sure you hug with your heart.

It's as simple as a shoulder shrug.
Everybody could use a hug.

You can hug anyone you want to.
Watch your back, cuz I might hug you.


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Just Desserts


I was at my favourite restaurant and had a lovely meal
If I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal
I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat
The dessert menu was on its way, Oh I couldn’t wait for that

The waitress bought the menus and I rubbed my hands with glee
Oh sticky toffee pudding, now that’s the one for me
She came to take the order – we had waited as you do
She finally turned to me and said ‘oh Madam what can I get you’

Oh stiffy cockie pudding please was my swift reply
I didn’t realise what I’d said till I saw the tears form in her eye
I went as red as a beetroot and the others began to laugh
At my spoonerism which turned into a complete gaffe

The pudding it came quickly but I couldn’t wait to leave
I choked on every mouthful and my stomach it did heave
So please take notice of my error on this horrendous day
If you order sticky toffee pudding be careful what you say!

N/A in 'random mix' contest
 - now submitted to N/A contest by Jerry T Curtis - 


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THE VANISHING ORGAN

Sam Ebenezer
a sad ol' geezer
was lamenting his shrinkage of late:
my worthless ding-a-ling
is a bell without ring
my manhood in diminishing state
 
From whence I salute
is thin as a flute
and soft to the touch as cashmere
I search with persistence
it offers resistance
on nature's call to appear
 
On heeding that call
no waterfall
a few errant droplets at best
where once from the middle
I gushed, now I piddle
and half of my load veers west
 
Both feet on the urn
pushing forth from astern
I chant 'emerge hocus-pocus'
with my punctured esteem
watch the pitiful stream
dwindle to drops as Limp loses focus
 
Our wee-membered friend
wished his size to amend
the stiffness rerouted from his joints
have it rise to occasion
and stand to attention
consulted ol' Doc for his viewpoint:

My snake is dead
no flesh;  just head
lies comatose and useless 
my garden hose
once warmed my toes
now wrinkled, dry and juiceless 

The senile old doctor
by name Alfred Proctor
had most of his wit in absentia
his breath smelt cheesy
Ebenezer felt queasy
Doc clearly suffered from senile dementia
 
Doc's hand took a dip
to just 'neath his ribs 
as Ebenezer voiced his concern
Doc smiled all the while
said:  your hopes are futile
there's no cure for your vanishing organ
 
I lost my virility
before my senility
long mourned my lost pride-and-joy
put my plight to rest
on realizing I'm blessed
to have in hand my own built-in toy

**************************************



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The Last Word

I just got home
barely opened the door,
Took three steps
maybe two more.
I heard a voice
a voice of dread,
" When the log rolls over,
we'll all be dead."
Somewhat spooked
i looked all around,
not a person in sight
no where to be found.
Then i heard it again
that voice of dread.
" When the log rolls over,
we'll all be dead."
My senses all heightened
I picked up the tune,
it was off to my left
in my restroom.
I heard it again
but this time a cry,
"When the log rolls over,
we're all gonna die!"
I looked at the toilet
I was about to freak,
but I lifted the lid
I just had to peak.
I was lost for thought
even lost for word,
there in my toilet 
three flies on a turd.
One screamed so loud
I could hear him squeak,
"Close the lid
you stuppid geek!"
I laughed for a second
while scratching my head,
then I flushed the log
now they're all dead.
The Last Word......


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A Gentle Kiss

A gentle kiss, that I really must send To another true, and very dear friend Pucker up babe, it's coming your way And riding a storm, so it should be there today I licked my lips before I blew, so I know it's going to stick But with all the lightning, it might have a little kick So when it hits your lips, it might give off a little spark Now what started off as a gentle kiss, might be leaving you in the dark <3
*For my sweety* *Elizabeth Wesley* Love,Dannyboy 8-24-12


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My Dilemma of Soup, or No Love For The Crackers

Oh, nicker.  Oh, nacker.
I broke my poor cracker
While putting it in my soup.
I just wanted a nibble,
But the soup had to quibble,
And thus all my plans turned to poop.

So now I'm here sittin'
A poor man quite smitten
With no other crackers to spare,
On soup that's unlawful,
So twisted and awful,
That it kills with no thought and no care. 

Why can't it relate,
And learn not to hate,
My crunchy, crisp wafers of bread,
It would have much more fun
Not to mention for one,
My crackers won't all end up dead.

I suppose it’s too much
To ask soup for such
A commitment to love other food.
But till its attitude mends,
And it learns to make friends,
I believe that my crackers are screwed.


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A FROG NAMED RIBBIT

I once had a frog named Ribbit
I was headed to school he croaked, "skip it"
I thought this is insane 
When my frog called me by name
I tried to tell others but they wouldn't hear it

So I went to a psychic to get advice
My frog interrupted and ask her real nice
Will I have happiness or sorrow
What will happen on the morrow
Show us that you're worth the high price

She said, Oh I see you with a beautiful lass
She'll be checking out your shiny green a--
Her eyes will be glued to you
Yeah, she can't wait to tear into you
You'll be on pins and needles in her Biology class

Contest: Carol's "Animal Alive"
Date:7-24-14


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Herbie The Frog

Herbie the frog with the lopsided hop
Would travel in circles till he tired and stopped
Then jump into the pond with a giant kerplop
As the bullfrogs laughed and croaked till they dropped.

It mattered not where Herbie was bound,
Even when swimming he went round and round.
Amongst all the pollywogs he was renouned
For going and going and not gaining ground.

Poor Herbie had no trouble just staying busy,
But circling and circling made him so dizzy.
He lived in a pond he couldn't cross,
But one things for sure, he never got lost.




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A Cat With A Knack

I have a cat 
A real fat cat
My cat is all black 
My black fat cat 
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat 
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat 
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back 
From  my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat


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Best Medicine

If laughter's the best medicine
I think I've had an overdose
It's coursing through my body
From my head down to my toes

I'm worried about my Ass
They say you can laugh it off
I'm building up pressure
Like a giant Molotov

I am taken to the funny farm
They think I've gone nuts
I started seeing animals
Walking around without butts

How is it possible
It seems like a bad joke
I'm laughing so hard
I start to cough and choke

I guess in the end
I really did overdose
It didn't quite kill me
But it really came close

So control your laughter
Maybe one chuckle's enough
That dang old funny
is powerful stuff



written by: Richard Lamoureux
Smile you're on Candid Camera Contest


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I Get the Feeling

When you pack my luggage but won't pack my lunch
When you lock me out I get a hunch
When you put thumb tacks on the bathroom floor
I get the feeling you don't love me no more

I found hair remover in my can of Rogaine
The nail in my car seat caused me so much pain
When you microwave my favorite CD
I get the feeling you don't care for me

When you toss a salad but it's at my head
When you squeeze my neck until my face turns red
Then keep on squeezing until the red turns blue
I get the feeling that you think we're through

When you let the dog shred my brand new shoes
When you put a laxative in my jar of booze
When you say your nightmare began the day we met
I get the feeling that you are upset

When you cut off the arms on my overcoat
And try to put a rope around my throat
Then mix Ben Gay with my jock itch cream
I get the feeling you like to see me scream

When you lean an axe against the bedroom wall
And start putting needles in a voodoo doll
Then pull a knife and say come on let's play
I get the feeling I should go away


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Phantom At The Foot Of The Bed

Normally, I'm not one to be alarmed by things that go bump in the night,
But the other night I saw something that gave me a most dreadful fright!
I awoke to make a visit to you know where (as us old guys are prone to do)!
As I lay there half asleep, a very eerie figure came into my field of view!

Still in a sleepy stupor, at the foot of the bed, I saw a spectre peering at me!
I pulled the covers over my ears yet kept one eye open so that I could see,
Who this interloper could be that so rudely interrupted my peaceful rest,
And could surely be the cause of a potentially serious cardiac arrest!

A ray of moonlight shone upon the scary apparition causing me more alarm!
My spouse was serenely snoring and I hesitated to poke her with my arm.
I moved and it advanced toward me - it was a most fearsome sight!
I saw that it had several appendages, all glowing ghostly white!

Things were looking rather grim for me on that dark and stormy night!
To make matters worse, the clock struck twelve reminding me of my plight!
The shaking of the bed and chattering of my teeth aroused my wife to wake!
I cautiously pointed to the spook that caused her to do a double take!

Now the bed was really shaking due to her uncontrollable guffaw!
She pointed out a startling fact that caused me to drop my jaw!
"You addlepated nincompoop!  From you I don't want to hear another peep!
That spook you saw was your foot so shut up and let me get back to sleep!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 7 in Linda-Marie's "CREATURES" of the Night" Contest - Sep 2011


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His Old Pick-Up Truck

He begs me to come, but he's run out of luck You won't catch me dead in that beat-up old truck! It was painted blue...now the color is rust But you can't be too sure...since it's covered in dust!... The engine must idle, (about an hour is good) You can feel the vibration, around the whole neighborhood A life is at risk, if you go for a ride! The windshield is broken, and leaks rain inside It makes a weird noise, rides bumpy and rough The dashboard is littered and covered with "stuff" The seat cushion's torn, and it pokes at my rear The dog sits beside us and licks at my ear There's no place below us, for resting my feet There's a hole in the floor, O my God, there's the street!!! The windows don't close, so there's more than a breeze Wrappers from Twinkies, a Burger King box... One lonely old sneaker, and smelly old socks Half a stale donut smashed down on the floor Darn!! The dog beat me to it, and is looking for more!! The muffler is loose, you can see the sparks fly Dirty looks from the folks, who get smoke in their eyes When we drive by the neighbors, I duck my head and I hide I'm no Prima Donna....but I've still got some pride!! He loves that old truck, he calls her a gem! Make him choose between us??? ....I'd be out on a limb!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Verlena Walker's Slamming Battle Contest


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Not Mine

I started my morning off with a stretch
Then off to the closet my clothing to fetch

I never noticed the dog in the dark
I stepped on his tail he started to bark

That woke my wife I think she is mad
If mom's not happy everyone's sad

Once she got up she woke up our son
He never gets up till the crack of one

Now here we sit the thee of us grumpy
Eating this porridge that's warm and lumpy

I look in my wallet for my lottery ticket
Check the numbers while I eat my bisquet

I know your thinking that maybe I won
Then this stupid poem would finally be done

Sorry you are wrong just one more line
I am so so happy this life isn't mine


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Canned Unicorn Meat

Majestic and grand, a wonderous mythical creature, The central horn on their head is the prominent feature. I’m afraid I don’t know much more about the unicorn, But not sending you a birthday wish, I become forlorn. So it seems I don’t have the knowledge to do this write, And so I thought about this problem with all my might, Did some research and found you something really neat, It’s made in County Meath Ireland, canned unicorn meat. Really pleased with myself to achieve such a perfect find, Then I read, you can’t eat the meat ~ just blows my mind. Seems the contents are torn apart stuffed unicorn parts, Imagine someone thinking up this item, they had the smarts. Well Poet ~ Destroyer, wish you the very best birthday, Sorry my poem on unicorns didn’t have more to say. View the ad on www.thinkgeek.com its really sweet, And I hope the joys of your Birthday are truly complete.
*IN HONOUR OF POET ~ DESTROYER’S BIRTHDAY OCTOBER 7*
Written by Lee Ramage with love! October 3, 2012 For Poet ~ Destroyer’s contest “Spoil me- with Unicorn poems”


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Whistle worry

I cannot whistle
It's sad but true
I try and try
yet no sound comes through

My lips I purse
My teeth I grit
I try real hard
but blow out spit


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The Pursuit

Where is it now that I put my heart
The last time I took a break from love
I remembered thinking I wouldn’t need it for awhile
So I put it in a place high above

I feel so silly now
I mean it’s so important
And I knew I would need it again
But I was trying to be logical
And I wasn’t ready  
With my heart to contend

I don’t know, maybe it’s a sign
And I’ll just leave it hidden away
It’d be so much easier if that dreamy voice
Wasn’t always purposed my way

Gosh if only you knew
Dag gone I bet you do
How when you lean in close for affect
The breath of your whispers
Leave me completely unglued 
When they gently caress my neck

Oh men! I can’t stand ‘em
See that squint in my eye
And my nose pointed up in the air
My arms are folded and I’m quite determined
Then you turn and catch my stare

Oh Geez! I used to be much better at this
You ask for my number to phone
I give it to you willingly 
But for three days
 I 
   Will
           Not
                 Be 
                     Home!


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Hey, That's My Money

Well, I see that Congress is proposin' another trillion dollar spree!
Those inept buffoons must think money grows upon a tree!
The treasury is crankin' out bales of twenty-dollar bills,
Doin' their part to cure (and inflate) the nation's many ills!

Funds were 'loaned' to help carmakers, now they're hollerin' fer more!
A ton of dough was 'loaned' to banks, but ain't nobody keepin' score!
Millions was designated to help home foreclosures to abate.
Where has my money gone?  I've seen minimal results to date!

Funds are proposed fer more sand fer the beaches of New Joisey,
And city officials want a water park out west in frigid Boise!
Frenzied lobbyists are scurryin' about fer a portion of the pork,
To build an emergency landin' strip on the Hudson in New York!

Money is probably well-spent fer roads, bridges and agin' sewers,
But spare me the cost of subsidizin' sports arenas and sozzled brewers.
Lack of foresight by the banks and politicians got us in this mess,
Now they cover their boondoggles with my money, nonetheless!

Hordes of politicians gleefully gather at the bottomless trough,
Elbowin' others fer largesse they claim will make us better off.
Is there no end to compensatory spendin' and open-ended lendin'?
Hey!  That's my money you fellers are so very inept at spendin'!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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What Became of the Soul Stripped from Johnson:

"Sedimentary, my dear Watson."


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SANTA'S SICK

Santa's hurting
head to toe
Santa's moving
kinda slow
Santa's sore
between the buns
Santa's got
the Christmas runs
Santa says
he has the flu
Santa's afraid
he'll give it to you
Santa should have
washed his hands
Santa needs to
change his plans
Santa needs
two bags this year
One for vomit
and one for cheer
Santa says
in spite of this blight
Merry Christmas to all
to all a good night

Contest: Jerry's "What's Up With Santa"
Date: 11-30-14
Poet: LyricMan


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Santa Jack

With Christmas time coming
It's time to call Jack
Sears needs a Santa
to get the Families back

They look for his number
It's no where to be found
They look in all the drawers
Managers buzzing all around

Then almost like magic
Who walks through the door
Sure enough it's Jack
no need to search anymore

His boots are all shiney
His beard white as snow
He looks like Santa's twin
His eyes even glow

Retail season is saved
The people coming in today
Will get to see Santa Jack
And put gifts on Lay Away

The children all love him
They don't give him a break
Poor Santa Jack has to go
His knees start to shake

He drops little Johny 
Jumps over some trees
Slipping on a present 
He falls down on his knees

The real Santa's watching
Down in the North Pole
A special gift for Santa Jack
This year he won't get Coal

Perhaps a red new suit
with some non slip boots
No more nasty stains
When Santa Jack gets the toots

For Carol Eastman's Christmas Contest.
I think the kids will enjoy Santa Jack.




Dedicated to my friend Jack, a jolly old soul who's never lived at the North Pole.


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What's up with Santa

                                 I played a nasty joke on Santa
                                     once on Christmas Eve,
                                  I put some exlax in his milk,
                                       and he drank it clean.

                                                (hehe)

                           Now that’s one Christmas I remember,
                           Dad sat on the Lu till end of December




                              Another time we greased the roof
                                      My brother Clay and I,
                                       Hoping to catch Santa
                                      when we heard him cry.

                                                (Nothing)

                         Another Christmas I couldn’t forget soon,
                      Dads leg was in a cast, till the middle of June.




                        The next year we decided to write old Santa
                                    And apologize for our tricks,
                                   I guess old Nick squealed on us,
                                 Cause dad came with THE stick.

                                                   (Ouch)




                    I believe Santa's still mad at me and my brother Clay
               Cause he never brings our kids, presents on Christmas day.


                                              (Party pooper)


Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
11.29.2014
Contest: What’s up With Santa
G 4


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Spoonfang The Pudding Vampire

In the middle of the night,
When the moon shines bright, 
A creature stirs with a terrible bite, 
And his name is Spoonfang.

This vampire with a spoony face,
Has developed quite the taste,
For creatures of the pudding race,
Has the greedy Spoonfang.

So when the stars through dark clouds peek,
Into the kitchen he will creep,
And a tasty snack he’ll sneak,
Will the crafty Spoonfang.

Mousse and trifle, cake of cheese,
Ice-cream left in the deep freeze,
He’s had a bite of each of these,
Has the naughty Spoonfang.

But tonight he’s set his eyes,
Not on mother’s tasty pies,
But on Gran’s birthday surprise,
A gateau all for Spoonfang.

And so he creeps along the floor,
Tip-toes to the kitchen door,
But someone else is there before,
The bold and daring Spoonfang.

Count Spatula! The greatest Pudding Vampire of them all!

Both the vampires get a fright,
Their screams echo through the night,
And someone switches on the light,
On Spatula and Spoonfang.

Mother tuts and shakes her head,
Sends son and father back to bed,
Neither vampire has been fed,
Not Spatula nor Spoonfang.

Maybe there’s a little Pudding vampire in all of us!


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Dont Mess With Crazy Women

Darlin I just cant keep a eye on you.
Everytime I stop to relax.
I find were threw.

You say leave but dont go far.
Untill you find yourself my dear.
I'll be down at the bar.

So many moods for such a little person indeed.
Forget me when your pissed.
And call me whenever your in need.

Your love is like a brick.
It really hurts when  thrown.
You left me a million messages.
Dear crazy women please leave 
me alone.

You dont know how to act normaly let 
alone when you drink.
My darlin you dont need anything  except for a 
shrink.

And maybe a nice straight jacket with a muzzle 
to.
After you stabbed me lastnight.
You really didnt  have to call me in the hospital 
and tell me were through.

They say love is sweet but this 
seems more like a lemon.
The moral of this story fellas
is dont mess with crazy women.


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W Z 8

My name is W. Z, 8.
I do not start work until late
You may recognize my orange hue
As I clearly come into your view

I am a street lamp, here I always stand
Life for me is not always grand
I’m going rusty though covered in galvanise
This drab grey colour I really do despise

Your dogs they love to wee up me
How would it be if I gave them a jolt of electricity?
They hang scoop the poop signs upon me
Can someone tell me where’s my dignity

I am not political yet every election
They hang their signs on me it looks like an infection
Pictures upon me of a lost cat and dog
My yellow light lets you see them in the fog

Sometime my bulb may just get broke
All the other lamps they make jokes 
At night I see tramps sleeping in boxes
That and the owls and the urban foxes

They say Prince Charles likes to hug a tree
Can someone tell me why no one will hug me?
Is it that I’m about twenty feet tall
Do I not provide a service to you all?
 
So after this I hope you appreciate
Me working in the dark and very late
In the future don’t hit me with your car
Because my life is already hard enough by far


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The Mad Hatters

Madness, the Hatter blinks. 
Madness, Oz's link. 
Repercussions of concussions.
Madness was Portnoy's complaint**, 

Madness must reciprocate!

Hallucinations filter by....
Leary* winks at Dali's eye.
A house lands on Dorothy's thighs...
Chicken Little wanders by.
 
"Madness," Hitler's honcho’s sneer. 
Madness splices genes with fear. 
"Lobotomize!" becomes the cheer. 
Kellogg’s* enema's find waiting rears.

"Are you the ass? Or is it me? 
Have I ears and a nose? What do you see?"
"Hehawww," said Pinocchio's friends.
"Heeehaw," said Darwin* back again.

Round and round went Steven Hawkings*.
"Madness," said Lenore's raven* squawking.
"Madness," said Einstein* in a blink. 
"Reciprocate!," said the missing link.

Reference Poem Knock Knock by The Archaic Poet - topic madness

* Art by Salvador Dali
* Portnoy's Complaint by Phillip Roth states
   if you know you are crazy than you must be sane.
* Timothy Leary explored LSD and other hallucinogenic drugs.
* Kellog [of cereal fame] proposed enema's as the cure to 
   all health ills, plus loads of sex!
* Darwin proposed man evolved from apes.
* Edgar Allen Poe was mad when he wrote The Raven.
* Einstein had aspergers syndrome a type of 
* Steven Hawkings is a wheelchair bound scientist who autism. 
   extrapolates on the edge of mathematical reality.


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Mrs Briggs' cat

Mrs Briggs' cat. There's plenty to do in our neighborhood, with games and places to explore. But you really should run, 'cause the trouble's begun, when you hear that "meow" at your door. A cute little tabby cat sits on the step, all fluffy and gentle as can be. Just try not to be dim, as you pet it, on a whim, It'll eat you alive for its tea! "Tiddles" belongs to old Mrs Briggs, who lives up the end of my street. She thinks it's a breeze, but there're no guarantees, that this pussy will ever be sweet. Our local vicar thinks the damn thing's possessed, and I'd say that he's right on the nail. Surprised I would be, If I wasn't to see, Satan's head poking out of its tail! So if you see that tabby cat coming your way, I beg you, don't stand there and wait, Don't stroke it, don't pet it, look, sunshine, FORGET IT, Or that moggy will seal your fate!


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I've Already Met You

The first date's the hardest. I never know what it is I should do.
I take you to dinner. You don't eat, you just play with your food,
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her.

We go back to my apartment where I proceed to go south on you.
You tell me you're bored cause I can't find that damn guy in the canoe,
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her.

You say I'm the one, the one you cand spend the rest of your life.
"When will we marry?" you ask, "When will you make me your wife?"
and then it suddenly hits me.
This has already happened
and I can't believe
that it's happening again,
but I've already met you
and I don't mean to upset you,
but you're like my last girlfriend
and the girlfriend I had before her,
and the girlfriend I had before her,
and the girlfriend I had before her.

Inspired by:
Well, some friggin song I recently heard but can't get outta my head.


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Too Much E-mail


Oh, no! It's happening again, When I went to open my e-mail So much garbage I found there,what a pain And to my dismay knew I was getting nailed. Everyday I get so much spam e-mail, To give me a headache without fail, They sneak on me, like a fatal disease, And try to bring me, all the way down, to my knees. Eh, Buster! What's this with your stupid e-mail? You give me nightmares like some horror tale, I erased it, but the next day three more copies came, Eh! You better stop that now! that this is not a game. Your whole attitude really sucks, I can't believe the things you do for a buck. Don't you have better things to do too? Than pestering and screwing people, like you do. Eh, buster! I know sometimes things are bad, But, why,do you to make it worse by making me also mad? And what's this about me helping you with some money, Do you really think? that I am that dim or brained-dead? All your e-mail tactics really amazed me, You want me to… what did you say, again? Eh, buster, I won't do that,not in a million years! So I want you to know that all your trouble is in vain. I am so happy when I see my friends' e-mails, That's one of the best things that everyday I still get, But, what's my horror when I see them buried by trash, No! I don't need to lose any weight, because I am still fit. Oh no!My server is telling me they've stopped my email, Eh, you buster!is all your fault, for sending me trash, And now I have to delete it all in the next hour or two, Eh punk,! You better don't mess up with me anymore here. What did you say about me? About getting some prozac, Who says, I am depressed? And my liver is okay and I don't take pills, What did you say now? That you have something for my boobs to grow Eh Buster! I don't need that!or to grow anything in that "place” neither. Eh, you! You're so lucky I can't really get you, You're making my life online, sometimes a hell, And I don't want to buy any of your blue,or pink pills, As for "those pictures" you can show them to somebody else Mel. I am so tired of getting spammed and jammed, and it's you to blame I'd would like to get only emails from my friends, My poor baby (my pc) is taking such a beat and gets sick too, Eh, buster!Your behavior is a shame! And this's not a game. I'm about to lose it with you, and you're making me sick too, Stop sending me all those silly offers than don't work but just fail, Eh, buster, you'll see, one of these days, I'll get rid of you, Then, you won't get me anymore, or invade, ever my email. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright2005 October,19,2014


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Ho, Ho, Ho and A Bottle of Rum

Ho, Ho, Ho and A Bottle of Rum

Ho, ho, ho, saw three men laughing it up as they all drank a bottle of rum
Ho, ho, ho, all were rolling around on the floor including Santa as he was taking a tum,
Then came Tonto and Long John Silver as he stretched around with marks
Thus, fluently laughing as he sang the anthem while falling into hysterics upon many sparks.
Then he drank more of a remedial medicine of an international blond haired joke
To a full audience of many zealous and colorful comedian stand-up folk
As he brought them all into a laughter which cajoled into an idiosyncratic large buffoon
Brought tears of fun and laughter as he told many more maddening antics upon their loon
Laughter can make the lungs span out into a bout of cold
laughter infects the mightiest heart of the scent of joyous gold
Laughter does hold anyone ransom to a vicious of an emotional hold
As does many a watcher and listener harbors a lifelong anchor of serendipitous manners of purest emotional bold
Laughter can embody a universal speck of love
Laughter they say is the key substance to a woman's trove
Laughter does bring a red, red path to a person's captive heart,
And does keep an altruism of a purest gladness of one's true smart
Laughter does bring gladness to one and all
So keep this in mind, laughter does keep our minds and heart
young throughout our bounteous hearts of tidings tall,
Just remember to make sure Santa has lots of tums
And don't let him drink too many glasses of rum.

Written: 10/10/2013
Eve T.Carter


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Heavenly bliss

Heavenly bliss

Shawn and Shauna fell deeply in love
And were on their way to be wed
When a car, on that day, took their lives straight away
As both of their bodies, lie dead

But their spirits were both drawn to heaven
As they stood, in front of the gates
Saint Peter was there, at the top of the stairs
When Shawn hollered loudly  “Just Wait"

Now Peter looked puzzled, at Shawn
And said "This is no time to tarry "
Shawn spoke again, and refused to go in
Without being properly married

Saint Peter replied very softly 
"We don't do that kind of thing here
But if you're willing to wait, 
“I’ll see if I can, get it cleared”

Three months went by, while they waited
Saint Peter, show up with a Priest
"I know it was slow, But I want you to know
You’ll be married Forever at least"

As the wedding was getting started
Shawn asked a question, with doubt
What happens here in heaven  
“If this marriage just doesn’t work out”

A silent filled up the heavens
Saint Peter, was shaking his head
And once he regained his composure
This is what Saint Peter said
 
“It took Three Months to find a Priest
In this Heavenly Foyer
How long do you think, I’ll take for me
Up here, to find you a Lawyer ?”






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My Husband Came Up Missing

( MY HUSBAND CAME UP MISSING )

My husband came up missing, I`ve looked all over the place.
Under the couch, in the closet, theres not a single trace.
He was home when I went to work today, I heard him snoring.
My neighbor 3 blocks away, said he heard that he was exploring.

It doesnt make any sense, why would he go away.
He didnt bring any luggage with him, where would he stay.
Ive checked in the bathroom, I even looked in the shower.
I looked inside the frigerator, and underneath the flower.

My husbands got to be somewhere, his car is still at home.
I checked the bed and under the covers, I even checked his comb.
Now I`m frantic looking everywhere, he`s got to be playing tricks.
I heard a noise in the wall, so I tore down all the bricks.

Then a neighbor walked in the front door, and asked what I was doing.
I told them about my missing husband, and how I been pursuing.
They looked at me and laughed away, I felt like a tiny mouse.
They said the reason I couldnt find him, is I was in the wrong damn house.


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How To Avoid Overeating This Thanksgiving

The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.


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I Didn't Do My Math Homework

I didn’t do my math homework!
I watched T.V instead!
I better come up with an excuse... and quick!
Or else I’m surely dead!

My brother tore it!
It’s in the garbage!
Mom says it causes brain damage!

My power was out!
I had the flu!
I was having trouble excreting my poo!

You know, why even bother?
My excuses are so lame!
I know! My dog ate my homework!
Now to find a dog I can blame...


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JESTER

           JESTER   *''(] :-)

The best days come round and round
Follow the around the world
A Jester you are the crown
A Jester among the crowd
Searching for life from pole to pole!
A professional when it comes to clown
You got the soul to let it roll
Your too clever to hold a frown
Your parole has lost your control
A smile is all you know how to expand
You run - you play - you dance
Implanting a moment, so grand
Lifting the spirit with just one glance.
You are like a substance in high demand
You are the Queen to a blind romance
You stole the heart of a Nobel man
Jester we are at the feet of your command
Parted from the King, who does not understand
The crowd eating from the palm of your hand
No one knows what jokes you got planned
LADY QUEEN YOU HOLD THE SOUL OF A JESTER
Suited up in  pinkish - purple - green polyester
Everyone bowing to you where you stand
Excitement towards the Queen, who plays the Jester
Jerking the kingdom of her land
Jester you play the role of the best mind molester!! 
*''(]:-)

SKAT


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Honorable Mention

On entering this contest I have to admit
The fame it will bring me when I push "submit"
Is all that I'm after -  my name in bright lights
The kind of attention I earned with my writes.

I used to get noticed for walking in late
To school, then to jobs, and even for dates
My family picked up on my one loud defect
And thought they could fix me - no disrespect.

They told me that dinner would be served at five
When seven was really the time to arrive
Two hours they gave me to help cure the curse
But of course I found out and the problem got worse.

Right now I'm supposed to be cleaning my room
Instead, I am writing, ignoring the broom
My shrink says that tardiness is a cry for attention
I'll clean my room later for an honorable mention.


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Death by Chocolate

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was  fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.



11/21/11  for Natalie the Rogue Rhymer's 
"Die a fun Death" contest


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The Uninvited Guest

2009 and the expenses scandal
Made Gordon Brown, the Prime Minister, lament
So John Bercow, was appointed new ‘Speaker’
To be ‘The Commons’ new broom, was his intent

But he was faced, with an unlikely challenge
In his efforts to clean up ‘the house’
For running loose, in his official residence
Was a small, grey, furry, wily mouse

‘The Speaker’s’ efforts to entrap his visitor
All failed, with equal measure 
So Sally, his wife, used her ‘Twitter’ account
To seek help on catching the creature

“Eeek, we have a mouse!” she did post
“And under the dish washer it’s run,
It’s Sunday, and the ‘mouse-catcher’s’ day off
Can someone tell me – what can be done?”

“My husband’s been ever so manly
But all of his efforts have failed,
Please can someone come up with a plan
To put this small rodent in jail?”

Suggestions came from near and far,
But all of them failed to succeed
The mouse still evaded the Bercow’s grasp
This led Labour MP, Gordon Prentice, to plead

To ‘The Commons’, “Why not have a resident cat
To rid ‘The House’ of the mouse population?”
But the members said, “No – that’s inhumane
We prefer control over eradication 

This ‘House’ has stood for centuries, and,
There’s always been a problem with mice
But to bring in a cat, to kill them all
Well, the voters wouldn’t consider that, nice!

That’s why Parliament employs the ‘mouse-catcher’
To monitor and control the pests
So, until he can catch the Bercow’s mouse,
They’ll just have to live with their uninvited guest!”


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SHOW TIME

I'm named Delysia (sic) Patricia. This poem was 
inspired by Chris De Burgh's "Stripper" song.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABwDWwYX0Q4.

A buxom beaut
ill of repute
amply endowed with bits to spare
undoubtedly cute
without dispute
had a penchant her wares to lay bare
 
She'd vocationally strip
do the occasional dip
her pockets bulged, much like her chest
they'd oft cause a trip
o'er th' tarmac she'd skip
six burlies her would lift:  two aft;  two a breast
 
Her stage was wee
a dinghy room on the quay
she sensually danced to excite
with pouting lips
and swinging hips
the flame in her quarries ignite
 
Their feet they tapped
with fist in lap
attempting to conceal the unquestionable
bitty-by-bitty
our temptress went skitty
swinging her frilly unmentionables
 
No item was spared
to the bone she had bared
when in marched the cops in line
they stood there erect
she wiggled her ass-et
winked:  I guess it's your place, not mine?
 
Clad like Eve
sans a fig leaf
our Delilah was escorted downtown
the commander pulled rank
said he she should flank
on the bumpety road going down
 
What transpired en route
is a question that's moot
exhausted the troupe reached the station
she bluntly refused
a gown to use
purred:  would you draw me an inked carnation? 
 
The time drew near
for the lass to appear
the air at the station funereal
they'd lose their charge
who by and large
was their best ever prison material
 
The judge was sad
his mood was bad
his Sunday night romp failed to show
he sat rubbing an itch
cursed himself and the *****
and the pills he swallowed his manhood to grow
 
Cradling his nether part
in waltzed the objet d' art
the cause of his undue distress
well taken aback
his jaw went slack
drooling to see her in undress
 
Adjusted in a blink
as she copped him a wink:
Accused, your charges are grave
how pleadeth thee
guilty or not guilty?
'tis alleged you scandalously behaved
 
M'Lord, I'm guilty
I beg pardon from thee
though my apology be rather belated 
while your service was due
I engaged the cop crew
they kept me bound and incarcerated
 
Still nursing his nuts:
you're nowt but a slut
for your misdeeds you've shown no repentance
for your wayward behavior
you're to serve hard labor
under my personal care to serve sentence
 
The remaining accused
all are excused
henceforth heed the laws of the land
this court stands adjourned
he looked at her stern:
I'll now take this hussy in hand




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A Good Appearance With A Bad Intention

My adored is here, Oh Vincent! Charming with your perfume's scent not minding if it costs just 50 cent. Wishing to lean on you and form a crescent on your well endowed body which is like an expensive present. Stealing a kiss from me is decent but pulling me back and forcefully keeping my legs bent; even with my resistance, you would not relent makes you a pathetic Dog 100 percent. And I am regretful of my time badly spent. I escaped, when you were a little complacent as you rudely smiled like a badly trained Adolescent. And all these while, I thought you were innocent. How dare you try to penetrate without passing through my consent? Now that the beast in you, you represent, the only thing I have to say to you is REPENT!


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Inspector Tweede

There was no finer detective than Inspector Thaddeus Tweede of Scotland Yard!
He was most astute in solving crimes and could quickly detect a fake canard!
He joined the force as a 'bobby' working himself to the peak of his profession.
You daren't pull the wool over his eyes when he was seeking a confession!

Ah!  He could have been cast in a movie since he was a detective's prototype,
In his tweed suit, tweed cape, tweed deerstalker's cap and ever-present pipe!
When investigating crime scenes he'd mull the facts with his chin in his hand,
Puffing his pipe making copious notes should he be called to the witness stand!

The highlight of his career was solving the case of Prime Minister Percival Hoar,
Who was found by his maid one dark and stormy night sprawled upon the floor!
There was no evidence of forceful entry or anyone breaking through the door,
Nor was there any sign of a struggle, bullet holes or oozing, bloody gore!

Who could have done this dastardly deed that brought the minister to his doom?
He took prints, photos and noted a strange odor as he moved about the room.
Thaddeus called on all his experience and training to solve this mysterious case,
Muttering to himself and doing a lot of 'hmming' as to and fro he did pace!

Eureka!  He noted a bulge in the prime minister's jacket he hadn't noticed before!
Gingerly lifting a bottle from the pocket he deduced he needn't search anymore.
It wasn't a gun, the butler, jilted lover, political enemy or an envious friend
That did the terrible deed - 'twas demon rum that brought the minister to his end!

Placed No. 6 in Soup's International Contest - Feb 2012 ($25 + Certificate)


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The Fat Girl

I may be fat but I can cook soul food to put you in a good mood I don't mean to be rude but you look like a string bean
You only know how to make sandwiches I can make steaks to take your breath away
you say I look like a steak but you can't even make a cake you need to drink more shakes
I need to eat more salads but at least I have a big wallet


I may be fat but I can dance your eyes are  glued to my thighs are you hypnotize yet
Do you want to take a chance and try to beat me in dancing you can't defeat me 
I can shake my hips and do flips I can drop it like its hot you can only pop that's not much 
Oh, now you want to challenge me but you can't balance on the dance floor 
The crowd wants to see me more you were just a bore 

I may be fat but I'm the one who looks pretty in this skirt you look silly like Big Bert
You say I don't look good in a bikini because I'm not tiny but at least I'm not  bony like you
You say I look like a buffalo but at least I don't have a problem finding a fellow
I don't mean to be a pest but you started this mess why don't you give it a rest
I'm fat but I'm telling you I'm the best you don't need to guess 

I may be fat but I'm good at writing poetry
You say that  you're good too but people are going to say boo to you
You say that isn't true and I need to pray because I won't win but I know I can 
You say that people wouldn't pay cash to see me but they will chase me I have a nice ass
you say your poetry  will get publish but that's only a wish I will you forgot to take your pills


Men want to be with me because I have meat on me you only have bones 
You say that I don't look like a model but men want to play with me and pay me to date 
I may be fat but I found a man who likes me like that but your man said you act like a brat
I'm getting married tomorrow don't feel sorrow 
You can laugh but at least I'm glad that I'm not sad or bad and I'm not a brat so take that


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GREEN

GREEN

My name is Jade Shamrock Green
I hate  green bean
When I get mad, I turn green
I wear my green jeans
I stare at the color green
Not every green path leads to a flowing stream
I lay on the grass so green
I won a jackpot of green
To visit the Green Mountains in Vermont is like a dream
My eye has a small tint of green
My jealousy comes in the color green
I diet on green veggie that are lean
The Green Bay Packers are My favorite team
I believe all frogs should come in green
It's a family gift to carry a green thumb gene
My garden has the greenest life I have ever seen
Lemons are yellow, but limes are green
The Irish do not all believe in green
In my green house all the plants are full of streams 
A  jester wore a green beret for the king and queen
The unripe sour apple is moldy green
 Flicking me a green bugger is gross and mean
Why do leprechauns wear color green? 
Not all clovers have only three leaves of green
Green is the middle color of the rainbow theme
LINDA MARIE, loves the month of emerald green
My favorite color has always been green
This is all about wearing green on March the seventeen

                 3-17-10


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The 70's

Back in those heavy times when everything was so far out Our words were but a whisper, the mans were but a shout Flower power was spreading, and everything was out of sight Preaching peace through out the days, and gettin our groove on into the night But we were always gettin hassled, by the fuzz, the man, the pigs They didn't want us smokin doobies, and flashin peace signs, can ya dig? Then peace and love had flourished, we needed to get funky and do our thing We needed a place to get our groove on, so the discos were the scene The threads we wore back then were styling, some were off the hook! It's hard to believe with the slim bread we made, we could carry that funky look? Bellbottoms, platform shoes, and jump suits people were a cravin Boogieing away the nights in the discos, where the lights were just a blazin Then the foxy chicks started getting pregoed, and the discos no longer Dyno-mite! Men needed to start makin more bread, and trying to live the family life But gigs weren't easy to find, and life became somewhat of a drag Some of the dudes skipped town, leaving the foxy mamas holding the bag Well thats the skinny of the seventies, the lowdown of peoples ways So keep on truckin all you cool cats and foxy mamas And remember all those ~Freaky, ~Far Out, ~Out Of Sight days
Dan Kearley:1-21-12


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Cheep Sweet Talk

"I've loved thee since I first saw thee as an adorable egg in thy nest!
Wouldst that thee would deign to marry me and put my pining heart at rest!
I hold thy delicate talon in my beak awaiting with bated breath,
For thine answer to my plea to be my beloved until parted by death!"

"All that I have to offer thee is a cozy nest in yon apple tree,
Safe from prowling cats and mean little kids to raise a family!
Please give me thy answer ere the sun sinks slowly in the west,
That I may begin to build thy dream home, thy cozy little nest!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Honorable Mention in Francine Roberts' "Enough" Contest -  May 2011


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Lost Words

Sometimes I catch them easily,
The words I'm reaching for;
At other times watch helplessly
As they crash to the floor.
I try to reassemble but
They've landed in a jumble.
I grab too fast for floaters and
My chair and I both tumble.

Susie thinks it is hilarious
And joins into the fun.
Before she hears my "stop", she has
Already swallowed one.
I am truly very sorry
There are no poems from me.
You will know why when I tell you
My dog ate my poetry.



Won 3rd place


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The Tooth Fairy's Confession

Everyone has a good old time
They’re written in songs, they’re written in rhyme,
They have their own days or have their own season,
And none of those guys get more applause
Than that fat old dude named Santa Clause.
Jack Frost is praised for nothing more
Than leaving his artwork on windows and doors,
And the boogeyman gets accolades
For scarin’ the hell outta Susie and Dave.
I can’t get busy with my petty labors
Till the Sandman goes and does me a favor.
They’re all guys and all overrated,
Overpaid, over loved, like that rabbit I dated,
And what do I get for a nighttime of chores
But a sack full of teeth and not a thing more.
Well, none of ‘em will think it’s so freakin’ funny
When they find what I’ve done with that damn Easter Bunny!

For Andrea's Show Me The Funny Part Two




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Unicorn Porn

PD, Please don’t be offended by my gift
An Incubus told me you needed it
For nights when you’re alone and bored:
A gigantic, over-sized, unicorn horn!


10/1/12
Black Eyed Susan
Dedicated to PD in honor of her birthday October 7th :)


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Count Dracula


It was a time ov thirst, crepuscle zearchin, 
the Count in dark, becharmed her every secret zeal; 
vatever aappened to his favoroured virzzin? 
Vatever aappened to his crimson meal? 
..............

My bite I'll hold to thine exquisite neck, 
(In Transylvania I'm vaiting, auspicious maid) , 
vas told that virzzins vaporized from earth, 
and so evil vampires will stay thirsty, I'm afraid.

My Castle, I assert, vill vait for thee, 
It is embarrassing for Counts to dine on food, 
meanvile red should be drunk like rare chablis, 
vilt thou, fair maid, succumb to my persisting mood? 

Hast thou ever heard of my night delights? 
Thou vilt dine on rare meat vile listening to tunes from the abyss, 
I'll beguile your thoughts under candle lights, 
and then (enraptured nymph), thou shalt receive my kiss.

Thou shalt be my companion to dark doom, 
Teetotal I became due to the lack of virzzins, 
it is more evident ven your perfume, 
enthralls my Dracula stimulated senses.

I'll bend on your rest, vile you'll be asleep, 
vere bats from caves have fled around the room before, 
like from a fresh rose your red I shall reap, 
and in crepuscular twilight ve, shall soar.

© 01-26-2013, G. V., All Rights Reserved


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From the Prison

.

                                       She was a colleen from Limerick
                                       with honors in Cambridge and Warwick
                                       Im a Chelsea hooligan from Harrow  
                                       unskilled worker with bricks in a barrow

                                       Being a randy bloke, I always smile
                                       to young foxy ladies who lives in style
                                       A wink on the sly, my bed a la carte
                                       but it's sheer shilly-shally on her part

                                       What did she say? "I remained dubious 
                                       but I acquiesce with insouciance"
                                       We walked to my place and she said this thing:
                                       "This is my affaire de coeur not your wing-ding"

                                       Everything was a misunderstanding
                                       body... quintessential? boxer... expanding?
                                       she dillydallied for half an hour  
                                       until my frown changed into a glower. 

                                       That my performance was evocative
                                       that blowhard was to be talkative
                                       so she never speaks with her mouth full
                                       her intellectuality was a bull...!

                                       Mickey mouse bad kitty, an awful joke
                                       her constant balderdash deserved a stroke 
                                       I looked hither and yon for a retribution 
                                       to lambaste or cold cock her was the solution

                                       This easy-rider wasn't worth diddly-squat
                                       but abso-bloody-lutely food for thought
                                       In hindsight, it might have been the reason
                                       ...burning the British Library is a high treason



.


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Not My Day

Cock-a-doodle-do,the sun is shining through,
Light appears in the sky,darkness turns to blue,
Sneakers or shoe,what do you think my boo,
Left my umbrella at home,rain soaked my shoe,
Achoo-acho-acho,now I have the flu,
Head-ache and cold,seems I caught them too,
My muscles are aching,shivering right through,
Hate taking tablets,a cup of herbal tea will do,
Ahhh-ya-yi,kicked the wall,my God what a blow,
Wobbling to the bathroom,now I broke my toe,
Sitting in the doctors' coach, perched like a crow, 
Darn plaster polish,messing up my flow,
She loves me,she loves me not,what will this flower choose,
Came home early,sick,battered and bruised,
Heard basket ball on the t.v,my boo only watches news,
Burst into the bedroom,to see her hugging another dude,
Bye,bye,bye,pack your things and go away,
I gave you my all,why,why did you stray,
Woke up this morning,energetic and gay,
One thing for certain,today wasn't my day...


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Paint the World

Brush in hand,I lay my plan,
Start from the sea,then paint the land,
From the sea I take the blue,
Paint it crystal,you can see right through,
Take the blue and paint the breeze,
Rain-bow for flowers,orange for trees,
Erase the brown from the earth,
Wave my brush,clean cloths,white dirt,
Painted all disasters, brightest red,
Better satellite imagery trying to minimize the dead,
Tone down Mr Sun,a lighter shade of yellow,
Soothing his anger,now he's a jolly fellow,
Pink glows,north,east,south or west,
Lovers staring at the moon,feel the gentleness,
My paint,my brush,my colours sway,
Painting this world,each and every day...


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A World of Laughs

Look around,embrace life,smile,
Even if it's only once in a while,
Gods' world,acres of entertainment,
Learn to laugh,enjoy your environment,
Umbrellas out,the birds are soaring,
Two parrots pecking,so adoring,
The king of water,angry river roaring,
Water racing each other,raindrops pouring,
Snake shaking his rattler,rumba girls luring,
Woodpecker sharing knock,knock jokes,ohh so boring,
Visa-card in his poach,kangaroo touring,
Owl seeking more wisdom,bird brain storing,
More hay over here,horses neighing,
Green,green pastures,the donkeys are braying,
Twenty four-sevens,happy hens are laying,
Do you catch the drift,of what I'm saying,
Now open your eyes,see what I'm talking about,
Hope it put a smile on your face,
Or pulled a laugh from your mouth....


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Loose me ASAP

Gardening in a dress
Figured it would be nice and breezy
A red wasp had his way with my back side easy

One little wasp caused alot of mess
Ten stings/bites caused me alot of ouchy
Then itching beyond control of sensitivity


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Blowing A Kiss To You

I just blew a kiss on a cool summer breeze Comming from Wisconsin, it's going to taste like cheese It's for a dear friend who lives quite far away So I'm hoping she will recieve it, within the next day I also hope she doesn't mind the flavor of this kiss But if she loves cheese like me, the taste will be bliss Floating through the air past all the factories of cheese The dreamy taste of this kiss, will be sure to please Though I must warn her not to eat with that blissful kiss on her lips For all food will taste delightful, which may add a little weight to her hips
8-8-12 To:Vie


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Baby Power

Babies these days are moving hard,
Brains loaded like a memory card,
Jamaican babies or the ones abroad,
Can't let them out of your sight,head-ache,Dear Lord,
Careful what you do,think they didn't catch it,
Start watching them or you are gonna live to regret it,
Children Hospital is full,I can bet it,
Long,long lines,baby mother has to sweat it,
Jump down the stairs,try pulling the plug,
Pull down the iron-board,reaching for the hot mug,
Search your dirty sneakers and mess up the rug,
And if you ever hit them,they start to carry a grudge,
Don't feed me,I want to feed myself,
I can hold the spoon,don't need your help,
One year old,big woman,big man,
And from they start to walk,push away your hand,
Want to do their own thing,like they set the plans,
Worst if down by the kinder garden,they have their own gang,
'Waa waa,gugu gaga boo boo',baby talking to a next baby,
Translated by Google,'just cry,they were made to serve us',
So we will always be on stand-by,for our little baby genius...


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Roses For PD

A journey southbound
There lives a Queen,not yet crowned
Knock on the door to her poetry Kingdom
Her servant leads me into this paradise of wisdom

This is where she rules
A warm and cozy place with dim lights
I ask with a voice of a fool`s:
"Will You except these roses,me dear Queen..?!?"
"..coz you are the nicest,wisest and best looking Queen I`ve ever seen! "

So here they are,my bouquet of red roses
She is pounded these days,red rose overdoses
My intuition tells me she likes it though
She is ready to be taken over to the Castle of Bordoux



A.Ertsland
February 12th 2012

* repost of the poem "Roses For PD" Hope you enjoy it:)


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Modern Life

Modern Life
We are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Except Monday mornings and Sunday nights.
What are they on about, at this place that I seek
That is supposed open 24/7 days a week.

The pub is open we have an unlimited license,
Let’s have a drink before we go to bed!
I’m sorry we are closed the doors shut at eleven
That’s what the snooty landlord then said.

The helpline is here no matter when 
Give us a call and we can help you then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, the phone rings on
A tape recording says, “Sorry everyone has gone.”

My car has broken down the man came to fix it
“It doesn’t work” he said sratching his head.
“There a computer on board and I will need to record
All the things that are broken down” he said.

But I need my car; I looked at him hard, 
And he gave me a wizened up frown.
He plugged himself in, then said with a grin.
The computer says it’s fine, the engine is strong.

But the car doesn’t work you toothless little jerk, 
The computer plugged in must be wrong.
“How can it be wrong it says the engine is strong?” he gave me a shifty look
“To be honest missus if it ain’t on the pute, perhaps the answers in a book."

He could find nothing wrong, the onboard computer gave a bong,
But it still said all was okay.
The tow-truck they called out with its ramp and its chains
Now they have taken my poor car away.

Modern life is so frustrating; we have everything at our fingertips
There is 24/7 that does not mean that, and fury does exit my lips.
If its 24/7 and help lines constantly, a car that is run by computer.
Why doesn’t anything work, I feel like the jerk, can somebody lend me a shooter.

I want to blast and to break all technology of late
It’s driving me to drink and distraction
The open all hours pubs are now closed, 
And my car is still out of action.

The bank is closed, the computers just died, 
The telephones gone on the blink
The TV HD, it is fuzzy like me;
I think I’m going to put my head in the sink.

The oven would be better, but its electric not gas
So I don’t think it would work as well
I want to end it all, not practice for the day,
The Grim-Reaper points at me, and sends me to hell.

Therefore, I’ll fill up the sink and put my head in the drink, 
Oh, blast, who is that at the door?
It’s the water board here, we are just making it clear,your water is off for a week.
Typical, I have no car and it is too far
To walk out and jump in the creek.



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The Devil Went Down to Washington

The devil went down to Washington to see what he would see
Ah yes he said everything looks real good to me
Everything is sliding down as I have planned it
That phrase “under God”: they have all but banned it.
 
This is sweeter than in the days of Adam and Eve,
Appeal to their almighty pride and they’ll believe,
any old thing I wish them to perceive,
or ridiculous philosophy I may conceive.

“I” the great perpendicular pronoun,
they all love that delightful sound!
By using their pride I can steer them.
forcing the meek to fear them. 

Those prime time commercials were my special inspiration,
The ones that reinforce their economic and ego inflation,
with the phrase “I buy this product because, “I’m Worth it!”
Or my favorite humility killer, “because I Deserve it!”

It’s so funny! They all think they do!
They stick to their mirrors like glue
While sliding in their own poo!
My what a little vanity can do!

Makes me feel like singing!
As my dark angels are winging

“Glory, glory well for me-ee
Glory, glory hell to thee-ee
Glory, glory hell to we-ee
I’ll have more compan-eeeeee!









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Snore No More

    ~~~~  Snore !! No More !! ~~~~

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She glared at his sleeping back
wanting to push him out of bed.

She covered her ears with a pillow
trying to block out the sound.
An evil thought ran though her head,
"There were no witnesses around".

She crept out to the kitchen
She could have stomped ... he wouldn't hear.
With the largest butcher knife
she returned to her husband dear..


Right between his shoulder blades,
one thrust ... he snored no more.
She gathered the blankets around him
to keep the blood off the white shag floor.


Then the snoring started again.
She let out a startled scream
and sat bolt upright in her bed.
It had all been just a dream.

He was asleep on his stomach.
His snoring could wake the dead.
She stared at his sleeping back
and wanted to punch him in the head.


10/07/2012











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When Sheep Collide

'Tis strange where we should get the notion
That poetry expressed in motion
Should within the human form reside.
When nature gives us many chances
Unpractised and ephemeral dances
Like in a muddy field when sheep collide

Truth is, that nature's not so humble
And doesn't mind the dancer's stumble
There's nothing that it ever seeks to hide
Uncaring it leaves all revealed
And is not shamed if one small field
Has crazy sheep and one long muddy slide

They're mad, they're bad, they're having fun
Those naughty sheep and every one
Is doing what convention has denied
The hillside's muddy, wet and slick
With crazy sheepies sliding quick
Down to the bottom, down where sheep collide.

Many count good nature's fare
The birdsong and the country air
Among the wonders of the countryside
But strange delight can yet be found
In woolly bodies sliding round
A simple muddy field where sheep collide.

While nature guides celestial spheres
In cosmic dances, it appears,
With majesty the earthborn are denied
Down far beneath in mud and grass
A sheep slides on its woolly a***:
A sense of fun, though not a sense of pride.


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Pun Fun

I had an IPod problem!
I fixed it, this is how!
I named the thing "Titanic",
by God, it's "syncing" now!

I was wondering where the sun goes?
I stayed up all night to see!
Sure enough, next morning,
it finally "dawned" on me!

I'm an avid reader.
I read anything around.
I read an "anti-gravity" book,
and I couldn't put it "down"!

I know some real bad food jokes,
but let me tell you first!
The one about German sausage,
brother, that's the "wurst"!

There are several types of illness,
that leave you sore and weak!
But, when your bladder is infected,
"urine" trouble, so to speak!

I was sorta down and out!
Times were hard, you know?
So, I got a job in a bakery,
because I "kneaded" dough!


NOTE; I apologize if you wasted your
time reading this!  I need to get
a life!  Sorry folks. 




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Go Away, Go Away, Go Away

(Sing to tune of Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow)

Oh, the weather outside is crappy, 
and they say I should be happy,
But to all this snow I say, 
"Go away, go away, go away."

Some weirdos think snow is "gnarly," 
But roads are slick and snarly,
And MORE snow's on the way, 
"Go away, go away, go away."

When I woke up at 6 a.m., 
fast to my window I ran.
But the earth was a blinding white. 
My car wouldn't start.  What a fright!

When finally I got started, 
and to the roads I darted,
I was sliding as I prayed,
 "Go away, go away, go away."


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Ahoy There - Out Of My Way

'Twas a dark and stormy night on that dark and stormy night!
HMS Blunderbuss plied the billowing seas just off the Isle of Wight!
Able Seaman Steer manned the helm when dead ahead he saw the light!
He woke the snoozing Officer of the Deck to apprise him of their plight!

Captain Ironbottom (who happened to be in the 'head') was duly alerted!
He dashed to the bridge in his drawers to ensure that disaster was averted!
"By jove!" he cried, "Her Majesty's ships turn aside for no one, I say!"
He grabbed the radio, "Ahoy there! Turn east 15 degrees! Out of my way!"

From out of the ozone a voice retorted, "Suggest you turn west 15 degrees!
I'll not change course for anyone, so heed my warning if you please!"
"This is Captain Ironbottom of the HMS Blunderbuss!" he thundered back!
"I know the rules of the road! Turn now or I'll see you hung from the rack!"

Able Seaman Steers' eyes grew as large as saucers knowing not what to do!
Communication between the captain and the mysterious light was turning blue!
As the distance narrowed between them, neither would give a nautical mile!
The white-knuckled Officer of the Deck was turning pale with a sickly smile!

"This is Captain Ironbottom again!  Are you challenging Her Majesty's might?"
"Yes sir" was the reply, "You see, this is the light house on the Isle of Wight!"
Today the mighty HMS Blunderbuss rusts upon the Isle of Wight's rocky shoal.
Captain Ironbottom faded into oblivion due to the folly of his last patrol!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Poet Destroyer's "My Funniest Poem On The Soup" Contest
June 2011


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Driving My Kids Crazy

Driving my kids crazy
Every day and night
Because my mind is hazy
Nothing comes out right

Still, I keep on teaching
The foggy lessons in my head
At the end of all my preaching
There's but one thing said

"I know what you are saying...
You said that yesterday."
In their heads their praying
I will go away

Still, they do consult me
When they are truly stuck
But, if I get to wordy
They'll be out of luck

The message will start hazing
From their doe-eyed sight
This act starts with a glazing
Of eyes and face and light

I see their minds have left me
They are waiting out their time
And if, they ignore me
It is a small crime

I know my kids all love me
And I feel just the same
Still I hope they'd all agree
In this there's no blame

And so I may keep yapping
Each and every day
But If disaster's tapping
I'll be on the way

I just want to guide my kids
Not drive them away
As I watch them roll those lids
I see the end of day

Okay, I'll be quiet now
No more torture, pain, or strife
And if, you'll just show me how
I'll go e-mail my wife


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Archie Bunker Opines Upon The Demise Of Twinkies

"Edith!  Edith!   I didn't find a Twinkie in my lunch bucket today!
What happened, Dingbat?   Why do you torture me this way?"
"But Archie, ain't you seen on TV they ain't makin' 'em anymore?
The company is foldin' up and they ain't stockin' 'em at the store!"

"I blame you fer this disaster, Meathead, you and yer pinko friends!
The greedy union reached too far killin' jobs on which people depends!
Yer democrat gov'mint stimulated my tax dollars fer ever' thing in sight!
Instead of blowin' money on green inergy, I'd like some to solve my plight!"

"But, Daddy" - poking his gut - "fast food like Twinkies isn't good for you!"
"Let me tell you somethin', little girl!  That may be yer lib'ral point of view!
My life ain't never gonna be the same agin without Twinkies fer a snack!
Them things is as American as yer mother's punkin' pie and I want 'em back!"

"I fought for the flag, baseball, Coca Cola and Twinkies in Dubya Dubya Two!
I slogged through the mud in Italy and was shot in a very fragile area too!
Now, I feel that it was all in vain to pertect all them things I hold dear!
No Twinkies for my lunch?  Stifle yerselfs!  I'm goin' to Kelsey's fer a beer!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Did I Get Ya

What can I do to really make you SMILE? Maybe take off all my clothes,and dance around for awhile? Nudity is nature,but I don't believe it is for me With my privates hanging out,in the air flowing free Perhaps sing a beautiful tune,in a squeaky childish voice? It may sound kinda cute,but the melody won't be of everyones choice Or maybe write a beautiful poem,and whisper it to you But men wouldn't take it to fondly,so thats something I shouldn't do What if I left a comment on your poetry,letting you know your words got through? That probably wouldn't work either,because thats something I already do How about if I just yell "Hey you there,missy or chump!" Enjoy these last few words,while I now go take a dump Did I Get Ya? :o)~ Ha,ha SMILE! Dan Kearley:4-20-12


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I Have To Tell

What's happened recently I have to tell. (Hiccup)
Wish I could muddle through without a screw-up.
It starts out at a comic show. (Hiccup)
The stand-up doing jokes was such a crack-up 
my laughter turned to choking then,  (Hiccup)
and from my nose there squirted diet 7-up.
Embarrassed by all this, I got up and (Hic!)
excused myself to the lady's room and quick.

I tried to drink some water and to (Hic!)
apply another coat of Rose glow lipstick.
When I returned, I heard stuff that was (Hiccup)
not for kids and hardly for the ears of any grown-up.
I guess I got back just in time for (Hic!)
that crazy guy's most hilarious shtick.
Laughing violently, I felt (Hiccup)
I once again was gonna have a flare-up.

But why I just kept choking I don't (Hic!)
know, but this time I was feeling rather sick.
That's when I first started doing (Hic!)
this.  Wish I'd gone instead to see some flick.
This all happened thirty days a (Hic!)
go.  I think I've now tried almost every trick-
from breathing into bags to even (hiccup)
drinking from the wrong side of a teacup.

I'm tired of my husband trying to (hiccup)
scare me into stopping, so I'll sum up.
A guy like me was on Jay Leno's (Hic!)
Show. Hey!  I could be the famous hiccup chick!
And yet, of all the things I could be known (Hic!)
for, this has to be the last one I would pick!

Written 3/18/14 for The Tickle My Funny Bone contest


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Never Dream Within a Dream

-honestly...I have no clue why...- As I began to rest in my fickle dream Suddenly I was stirred from my sleep I was greeted by many a whisker And petulant snores from my sister The cat mewed ferociously and purred For there on the other side of the window—was a bird! It chirped like a wobbly siren—the ass! And I swear by my bosom it was pecking the glass Suddenly, I sprang up in alarm I swear my bosom was gone! The cat then motioned at the feathered brat For her bright breasts seemed extra fat Of course it wouldn’t have been that But I couldn’t just blame the cat! I opened the window only a crack And asked very kindly, “May I have my breasts back?” Such pride she attained from my bosom Yet why? –how would she use ‘em!? The mockingbird merely turned a goodbye But the stolen twins were too heavy to fly! She plopped to the ground and squawked I would have laughed, but I was shocked! The cat scratched at the window and with her eyes Said, “Prithee, take your breasts—she’s mine!” Before I could think I had fallen to the ground To a booming, most terrible sound! My eyes then opened to a cat on my head As the booming sound continued from my sister’s bed


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The Wisdom of Wine and Gin

My hair has receded and my belly grown fat
There’s hair growing in my ears and I don’t like that
My joints ache all the day and I have troubles with peeing
I’m tired all the time and have glasses for seeing
Gravity has taken over putting life in a downward spin
No wonder I enjoy drinking a little wine and gin


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A Knight of Passion

In days of old, 
ye knights were bold
And Dragons roamed the land
Sir Lancelot, he was a knight
And Fought with Sword in hand
White horse he rode 
With his lance
A shiny  suit of armour
Beware this knight, the story goes
He really is a charmer!
Now one fine day, he saw a lass
And whispered in her ear
A shock he got, when she revealed
I’m lady Guinevere
In love they fell
Before too long
Merlin cast a spell
While hunting out one afternoon
The king, black knight would tell
Black knight ‘s plan
Came alight
When Lancelot was banished
Shed a tear, did Guinevere 
When she learned he’d vanished.
Now this legend 
Hath been told
A morale doth contain
Keep your lance, tucked in your pants
And save yourself the pain!









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His Nose

The nose he wears sits on his head
It's big and round and very red;
And in the dark it always glows
It must be awful to own that nose.
There's two dark holes filled with hair
With whatever else that's hidden there;
Each time I see with great surprise
That glow that sits between his eyes.
It shines as though when night meets day
There never could be another way;
I wonder too if he can tell
If red affects his sense of smell. 
Perhaps the problem is I think
He's had in time too much to drink;
I suggested then to paint it white
And he seemed to think this was alright.

For Frank Herrera's Zaniest Poetry Contest
Elizabeth Wesley


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My Least Favorite Things

 To the tune of.. “These are a Few of my Favorite Things“.

Bass boomers spreading their mis’ry in traffic
Craving attention and driving me spastic,
Not caring an oodle for anyone else,
This arse will drive one to poor mental health!

Cops who ignore them and keep right on driving,
Passing we drivers who are suff’ring and sighing,
Speeding, ignoring all laws of the road ,
Why do they think they’re exempt from the code?!

That lady texting who’s climbing your bumper,
Foll’wing for miles, you’d sure like to dump her,
Getting so peeved I just ran a red light!…
But she’s hanging in there with all of her might!

Here comes a pick up and he’s really flying,
can’t push me over but he’s really trying,
sans blinkers he cut me in one single swoop,
You scraped my bumper you dang nincompoop!

Sweating and trying, for my place I’m vying,
Choking on gas fumes, ‘n some kid is crying
That lady just stopped for a friggin green light,
I screeched on my brakes and near died of fright!

That bass nut’s still booming, my blood  pressure’s zooming,
That green light stopper’s picked this time for grooming
That texter’s horn behind me is starting to blow,
The light turned red and she thinks I should go!

These are a few of my least favorite things,
That I could avoid if I only had wings…


I commute 3 hours a day and this is just 
a sample. : )




,




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SSsssssHH

My clap of flip-flops echo through the hall of books,
 Her eyes shoot daggers with heated looks.
 A finger shushes against paper thin lips,
 A formless dress hangs from her unflattering hips.
Embarrassed I find a chair with feelings of unease,
 Trying to hold back a dreaded sneeze
 She glares at me with a fiery stare,
 So wishing to throw me out on my derriere.
 As I plug my misbehaving nose,
 Another nasty odor ghastly arose.
 For in my plight trying not to sneeze
 My butt decided to boisterously cut-cheese.
 The odor epic within sacred four walls,
It echoed up and down the great halls. 
Laughter filled her grand domain,
All pointing at me for the stinky blame.
  She looked at me, with such empathy upon her brow,
 Our relationship had softened somehow.
 Covering her mirth with a thin pasty hand,
 Knowing farting was not what I planned.
 Now when entering the library, I have a nick-name
 It’s one that I carry with agonizing shame.
 I walk up to the counter, she holds her breath,
 Smiling, she greets me, “Hello Miss butt-o-death.”


*unfortunately this is a very true story lol


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No,You Hold the Chicken!

   No,you hold the chicken
you hold the duck
you hold the baby;
I'll drive the truck!

  You bring the corn bread
I'll bring the wine
we'll go to Mamas'
and have a good time

  You wake up Grandad
I'll feed the cow
get us some slop
and start sloppin the sow

  Get Jr.'s overalls
off of the line
Let's go to Mamas'
and have us a time!

  Go get my banjo
and Grand Daddy's fiddle
yor juice harp's out back
on the porch where I whittle

   We'll have us a ho down
a shindig devine
Let's go to Mamas'
and have us a time!

   She'll spread out the grunions
under the pines
Let's all go to Mamas'
and have a good time!
C'mon,
Y'all!!


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My worst Date

Twas winter ninety-seven, all around the town
Houses lit up magically, parties all around.
Boyfriend says, come with me, to works Christmas dinner,
Dress up chic and sexy, looking like a winner.

Hair all done up, makeup on, gown that fits just right
We’ll impress his colleagues, I was such a pretty sight.
Ushered to our table, we sat with others there
Such a lovely evening, a truly posh affair.

Delicious food, friends were made, laughter filled the air,
A real nice Christmas party, memories to share.
Then came all the speeches, boring us all to death,
The best part was the here here’s, sniffing wines sweet breath.

Finally was time to dance, music filled the night,
Dancing in my ball gown which now was fitting tight.
Time and time we danced that night, in each other’s arms,
Him with me and me with him, showing off our charms.

Suddenly I laughed so hard, teeth went flying out,
Slide across the dance floor, feet pushing them about.
In a flash down on my knees, scurrying about,
Found the little suckers, and popped them in my mouth.

At the time I hoped and prayed nobody had seen,
When I popped them in my mouth, and where they had been.
Looking back, now I laugh, thinking it was funny,
I’m happy now my mouth can say “C’est la vie.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
10.26.2014
For Judy Konos Contest:
C’est la vie 
1st


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My Fair Maiden

I called upon yonder window That was up to high for me to be For my maiden gracefully sleeps there In her bed,beside the sea I asked her to come hither For her beautiful face I yearned to see Twas yawning in the morning dew As she slowly came to the window for me To my amazement came forth a ragged wench Whos hair was as raged as the sea With eyes that were burnt as nightposts To bloodshot and squinty to even see For this was not my fair maiden? Whos beauty would forever be But a drunken harlot who came hither That she spent the night with instead of me My heart now broken to pieces Wondering how could this tragedy be? For my maiden now sleeps with a harlot? Without the love that she once gave to me? My mind was now enraged So I dashed for the wrestling sea With thoughts of drowning this useless body That's no longer good enough for my maiden to see With water just over waist height And a large wave about to crash over me I heard a calling from yonder window Twas my beautiful maiden as I turned to see Her beautiful eyes in such distress Her beautiful hair flowing so care free Twas the beauty of my fair maiden That I had called upon yonder window to see For the thoughts that raced through my mind Evidently,weren't truely what happend to be For it was her promiscuous sister Who had come from the other side of the sea My heart now rebuilt with a sigh of love A large wave suddenly crashes over me The last thing I saw was my fair maiden As my lifeless body is carried out by the sea
DannyBoy:1-24-13


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She means the world to me

I gotta crooked legged woman
With legs that go where they choose
Her lips are shaped like a beer mug
And over flowin with booze 

She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money 

Her face is like a chocolate chip cookie
Covered in spots dots and all of that
I don't need a road map to find my way around
Just look at her face and I know where I'm at  

She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money 

She gotta hunch back
From her boobs that sag
They look like two egg yolks 
On two kwik mart bags 

But She means the world to me
And a freak that makes me money

**Singing the Blues**


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ITS POINTLESS

Now here's a contest that seems pointless
But, up to a point, I guess it will do.
The points in my life have sometimes been fruitless,
I just thought I would point that out to you.

Oh, the point of this rhyme
May be pointed one way,
But it is at this point in time
To score points by what I say.

The point that I am making,
Is that there is always some point
That life points in a way forsaking,
Giving your point a grave disjoint.

I have pointed out many times
that points are good and bad.
But the good points I remember better
Rather than the bad points I have had.

You can sometimes see how pointless it is
To try to point these things out.
As for the point I am making,
You get the point...no doubt!


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My most unfortunate job selling LSD

I’m excited, I got a job
I now work for Bob Bob’s Gob Shop
They asked me to stand outside and sell
These white packets, of what I cannot tell

But I was shifting the goods a hundred an hour
I felt alive excited and empowered
Mothers and fathers were buying off me
And giving their kids, who named the stuff LSD

I didn’t hear it clearly at first,
Until I was arrested and that’s when I feared the worst
The police took me to their van
 God only knows I tried to run and then… Man,

I got the tasered,
And did a twenty-five second bad imitation of Bob Marley crossed with Jo Fraser
They called me a dope peddler
An addict enforcing meddler

The cops tasered me again and beat me up
Then left me laying in a pile, yelping like a helpless pup
Then took me to a room with a table that had a pile of white powder,
And three inch black sticks they called hash, my mouth went sour.

They questioned me further demanding who was my supplier
As they kept me dancing at the end of the taser wire
I screamed Bob and Bob of the Gob Shop
They stopped and said this must be their under cover job 

Just then the chief of police walked in
He looked at me with that we gotcha grin
He took a bit of the white powder and put it on the tip of his tongue
Then with s surprised look as if he got stung

The chief of police quickly picked me up dusted me off and apologised
He said “Don’t worry sir, I’ll punish these guys”
One policemen said “But sir his a drug dealler, selling LSD?”
“How could you be willing to set him free”

The Chief shouted “YES THIS IS LSD, NOW READ MY LIPS”
“LIQUORICE SHERBET DIPS”

Well as a consolation, I got a house and a car out of them,
Never went back to that job again.


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IF I RULED THE WORLD

If I ruled the world,
I'd round up all the men.
Send them to Afghanistan,
...And nuke the place again,
and again.

I'd collect and burn,
All the world's monies
And make sex slaves,
Of all the honeys

I would kill all the ugly ones
Well save one or two
So when I'm drunk I'll say
'Shit you look good to scr3w'

I suppose you wanted everyone,
To live in peace on the earth?
But believe me, if I ruled
That would be all a myth

But I'm sure after fifty years
Of all that sex slaving
Everyone will be related
And there would be no misbehaving

Because I will make sure 
Brother does not kill brother
And to women, the children
Will call all of them mother

To me, you guessed it
They will call me father

So I don't need riches or power
Or greed, just lust
I don't need gold or diamonds 
Only women with a 42DD bust.......

**Requested by my Cousin Michelle**


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O' possum

O' possum O' possum
Sleep the day away
Await the setting of the sun
before you go and play

As the dusk arrives at last
Awake and stretch your paws
Don't clamber from your tree too fast
Hang tightly with your claws

The brown team 'v' the greys
Its football night you see
they'll use a melon for a ball
with a ring tailed referee

The match is quite a tussle
both teams are very strong
The crowd sit up in the trees
And Hisses them along

A possum breaks loose from the pack
Towards the goal he's bound
The goalie take a single look
Then plays dead upon the ground	

The melon bounces of the post
A dustbin crashes to the ground
The crowd invades with fever pitch 
To look in and see what's found




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Getchenobin

She said “it’s against my belief to Getchenobin”
I am Catholic and it would be a sin
We need to be married first
Well I could not win
I said “Do it for a laugh?”
She said “Not even half”
She was not giving and inch, 
This woman was tough
So we got married 
And she said “Getchenobin,”
I said “Not today my dear, 
I’ve drunk too much gin
We have to wait for the blessing 
From the goddess Min
Then you may ask me 
To Getchenobin


**work it out**


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Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

"Light travels faster than sound".
A fact that appears quite unique.
Conversely, sometimes people appear to be bright,
until after you hear them speak!

Things don't always stay the same
if you know what I mean?
Consequently, "Change is inevitable".
(except from a vending machine)

Patience can be a misnomer,
so don't let yourself be coerced.
The "Things that come to those who wait",
are what's left, by those that got there first!

To get "Justice by going to trial",
can turn out to be kinda fruity!
You're putting your trust in 12 people,
not smart enough to avoid jury-duty.

What is "a fine and a tax"?
Well friend, it's easy to tell.
A "fine"  is a tax for doing wrong.
A "Tax" is a fine for doing well!

I've gone thru all my poetry notes
and this is the best I can do.
It's probably not what you're looking for, 
but I'll leave that up to you!  


Ralph Taylor







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THE AGING PROCESS

Many years ago, when we were all young,
We really thought life, would be so much fun.
While playing dress-up, trying on mom’s stuff,
Putting on make-up, we found to be tough.

Then came our schooling, and boy things would change,
“Those aren’t our parents”, when they acted strange.
Sometimes they were hip, but old-fashioned too,
That’s something I swore, I would never do.

Wishing you were older, adults had it made,
They would do nothing, yet still would be paid.
That is how little, we all had known,
We surely found out, once we were grown.

Loving the twenties, we’d go out with friends,
When we went shopping, we followed the trends.
Doing what we wanted, and staying out late,
It didn’t matter, what time we all ate.

Then came the thirties, and most of us wed,
Watch what you wish for, my parents had said.
We had to work hard, many bills to pay,
I guess they were right, what more can I say?

Raising your children, was hardest of all,
Needing some advice, your parent’s you’d call.
It seemed so easy, they needed no rest,
So now it’s your turn, you learned from the best.

The forties arrived, that was a shocker,
We’d spend lots of time, just at the doctor.
Back aches and headaches, so tired you’d be,
Trying not to cough, or else you would pee.

The fifties would come, and your grandkids too,
Where were your glasses? You hadn’t a clue.
You searched here and there, and under the bed,
“Hey grandma” they laughed, “They’re right on your head”.

Here come the sixties, now let’s have some fun,
You are retired; your work is all done.
To dinner with friends, you dressed and you wait,
They never show up, you have the wrong date.

Now the seventies, with friends playing games,
If only you could, remember their names.
You try hard to hide, those under-eye bags,
Gravity happens, and everything sags.

Enjoy every day, and have a good laugh,
All the steps you took, led down a new path.
Live life as it comes, each year a new page,
One thing is for sure, everyone will age.


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My New GPS

I had an interview last week and used my GPS.
I thought how wonderful it was, I would not have to guess.
What exits I should enter, what lefts and rights to make.
My wonderful new GPS, my trusty guide I’d take.

And so I started early so that I would not be late.
I’d waited three long weeks to get this most awaited date.
I plugged my GPS right in and put the address in.
I thought this was the greatest thing, a positive win-win.

Things were going pretty good until the mountain top.
When my new GPS caused me to make a sudden stop.
My trusty guide said ‘make a right,’ but that just could not be.
For if I was to make a right I’d crash into a tree.

Perhaps a small computer glitch and so I turned around.
My little GPS then said, ‘recalculating now.’
I drove another four more miles and got a new command.
This time the new directions took me to a swampy land.

Now what the heck was I to do, at that point I was lost.
To miss my chance for a new job was a tremendous cost.
And so I turned around again, I’d never be on time.
Across the bridge and up another mountain I must climb.

That’s when my GPS said keep on going ten miles straight.
Unfortunately, that road took me to another state.
Needless to say, I didn’t make it to my interview.
Now I just do Map Quest because my guide and I are through.


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THE PSYCHEDELIC STEW

THE PSYCHEDELIC STEW 
 
We loved to drive out through the hills 
Where landscapes are so green, 
And always sought the smell of hay 
That seemed so fresh and clean. 
 
We'd rent a cosy cottage there 
Around that time each year, 
The days and nights were magical 
And life was full of cheer. 
 
That night we planned a simple tea 
A good old country stew, 
With fresh grown mushrooms we had picked 
As 'round the place they grew. 
 
Those mushrooms seemed much larger then 
The ones we'd norm'lly find, 
But in they went with all the rest, 
We really did not mind. 
 
Our stew was just the best we'd had 
On that we did agree, 
Then sitting back and quite content 
Enjoyed a cup of tea. 
 
When suddenly, in front of us,  
Our kitchen came to life 
With antics never seen before; 
Sure terrified my wife. 
 
She sat and watched with fear filled eyes 
For both her knife and fork, 
Were standing up and quite erect 
And both of them could walk. 

The kitchen curtains did a jig 
And plates flew 'round the room, 
Our mop then left its corner spot 
To line dance with the broom. 
 
Old teapot sang and clapped its hands, 
The tea cups joined in too. 
My mind it boggled at the sight 
and wondered what to do. 
 
I grabbed the phone and dialled for help 
That soon was on its way; 
Though not before the pots and pans 
Had all began to play. 
 
Poor doctor tried to calm us down 
Enquiring of our plight. 
We mentioned what had taken place, 
The horrors of that night. 
 
He summed up what had taken place, 
The answer he now knew, 
We'd eaten mushrooms which produced, 
A psychedelic stew.


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Don't Poke the Bear

He'd had a bad day, he was snapping and snarling.
His behavior,  it was anything but darling.

But I couldn't shut up, be compassionate and care.
Oh, hell no, not me.  I had to poke the bear.

His eyes were red coals.  He sputtered and shrieked.
Sure I'd just made it worse and now he  had freaked.

sigh.....

Off to the store for ice cream for his highness
and to keep my rabid tongue from some of it's wryness.

In the line before me someone was hunting for money.
My ice cream was melting, my disposition, not sunny.

Instead of patience and a rational aire,
oh no, not me, I had to poke that bear.

"Hey Lady !, we're waiting, you could let us go through"
She threw down her coins and started counting anew.

sigh...

With running ice cream, home I now went,
where old grumpy-pants temper tantrum seemed spent.

I scooped out his ice-cream, delivered it to his side.
He glanced at it , then me, and made a comment quite snide.

I could have said "sorry, it melted somewhat"
but oh no, not me, I had a different thought.

I couldn't be contrite, compassionate and fair.
That just isn't me. I had to poke that bear.

After some comments about ice cream and his weight
I bit my tongue but I bit it too late.

sigh...

So heed my advice and just be aware
when things are going bad, just don't poke the bear
















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Crack Of The Moon

I joined a nudist colony,
Was that a big mistake!
Everyone's naked, in the buff,
Sippin' soda by a lake

A big ol' gal named Marsha,
Stepped on a banana peel;
Our feet got tangled together,
As we tumbled down a hill!

My life had flashed before me,
Flesh was crowdin' my space;
By the time we hit rock bottom,
Her moon was in my face!

I fought like hell for freedom,
Her butt was crushin' my skull;
I was feelin' rather groggy,
My vision was goin' dull!

Mounds of sweat overwhelmed me,
Six others came to assist,
Beneath that skin I was tastin',
The biggest butt I ever kissed!

With a heave and a ho, I was free,
My body was a mangled mess;
I spent a week on the sofa,
An ugly sight, I must confess!

You might say I'm stupid,
It'll roll right off my back;
I never used marijuana,
But I've had my share of crack!


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School Supplies

I glanced out my window watchin' kids plod along to school today.
I recalled my school days and how things have changed along the way
I watched the little fellers hunched over with their over-loaded packs.
'Tis a wonder the little dudes don't develop a twitch in their sacroiliacs!

I wore overalls and shoes that I was told by Mom I'd better not scuff!
Nowadays, kids are sportin' Rebok shoes and all kinds of fancy stuff!
If they don't have the latest and greatest, they're bound to pitch a snit!
Appearances mean everything even to kindergartners, on the face of it!

To begin school in days of yore, I was required to supply a pot of glue,
Couple of No. 2 pencils with erasers, ruler, ink and a ruled pad or two.
Wrapped in a newspaper for lunch, a baloney sandwich and apple for a snack.
When my grandkids showed me their list of supplies, I nearly had a cardiac!

Included were - a backpack, Rigatoni noodles, crayons and composition books,
A cell phone, calculator, protractor and for reading, one of those fancy Nooks,
Facial tissues, scissors, a ruler, colored pencils, pencil sharpener and erasers,
Elmers glue, Ziploc bags, a ream of paper and plastic dividers to use as spacers!

One change of clothes in case of accident to include underwear, pants and socks,
Disinfectin' wipes, three-ring binders and a padlock for individual locker locks!
I am caused to pause and ponder how we "oldies" got a solid education,
Sans all the geegaws and fancy frills that are now required for graduation!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Fatal Beauty

I'm so doggone ugly,
I look like a faded roach;
If I were a pile of roadkill,
The buzzards wouldn't approach!

Oh sweet mirror on the wall,
Why stab me in the back?
You tell me that I'm beautiful,
Then fall to the floor and crack!

I went to a local photographer,
Here's something you won't believe,
He took one look at this ugly mug,
And paid me just to leave!

I can't go to the chicken coop,
To gather a single egg;
Those hens won't let me enter,
Unless I grovel and beg!

I never committed a crime,
Though my picture's on the wall;
Ugliness is a criminal act,
It's certainly against the law!

A cop pulled me over,
I asked what I did wrong;
He took one look at this sourpuss,
And said..."Nuthin', please go home!"

When I walk by flower beds,
The petals begin to wilt;
Every time I play pinball,
The game automatically tilts!

I married an ugly woman,
Someone uglier than me;
We bought ourselves an ugly dog,
Now we're as happy as can be!


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if my life was upside down

if my life was upside down i'd bump my head against the ground i'd trip over ceiling fans and i'd shake feet insted of hands i wouldnt keep any pocket change but i would keep a blood rushed brain every smile would be a frown living life upside down life upside down would be a mess confusing your right from my left people would say bottoms up but if i did i would spill my cup it sure would be funny when friends came around they wouldn't ask whats up? they would sarcastically ask whats down for those of you.....who wake up in bed in the morning when i wake,.... i wake down insted people always tell me to keep my head up high i look at them with resentment and walk away and sigh pictures never seem to stay when i hang them on the wall being upside down they always seem to fall i always have a hard time writing what i say and when i use my pen the ink flows the other way its funny how people complain about how life keeps them down but they haven't experienced living life upside down


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Quaffed

Ole Kelly worked at the brewery
And was pretty good at that
But one day he lost his balance 
And fell into a vat

O’Reilly went to Kelly’s house
Someone had to tell his wife
He said Kelly fell into the beer
And there he lost his life

Kelly’s wife was beside herself
Said I know those vats are slick
Please tell me he didn’t suffer
That my Kelly went real quick

He said I don’t think he suffered ma’am  
As far as I could see
In fact while he was swimming in there
He climbed out twice to pee

Another old Irish joke that I just had to set to rhyme.



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Give A Man A Sea-Kitten

Give a man a sea-kitten,
And you feed him for a day.
Teach a man how to sea-kitten,
And PETA will make him pay.

I guess there isn’t much to say,
We’re gonna eat them either way,
Because the message here being conveyed
Does not have to do with fish per se.

Instead we feel the need to build
A foundation where we can rest our guilt.
Or where we can sway, or push, or tilt
The basis of sanity. And watch it wilt.

Humans are actually land-dodos.
A tree is also a green-giraffe.
But no name we will ever sow
Will ever cease to make me laugh.

I mean, how bored do you have to be
In a world with war and disease uprising
To stop what you’re doing and decide: “Here see,
Fish are in trouble. Start compromising.”?

Man is the measure of these extents.
The apex of idiocy slips his mind,
And thus he chooses to invent
Another means to thwart mankind.

We’re defending the rights of things we need.
Things we need for survival, like skin.
And in our greed we fail to read
The paradox lying herein and within.
Among all the things that humans bleed for,
Nothing more imbecilic has ever been,
Than renaming the fish of which we feed
Into something like sea-kitten.

“And then Jesus blessed the sea-kittens,
He broke the bread and divided it amongst 5000 people.”


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My Outhouse

Welcome to my outhouse My humble little abode Just four walls with a couple of holes That help with the ca-mode Always something to read Or a word search to be done May write some words on the wall To read later for a little fun So sorry about the smell But this is where the business gets done I'll kindly sprinkle some lime down later If I haven't got the runs At night with candles lit The aroma is not so bad It's really not a bad place to sh%t But the cold seat always makes me so mad When your time in here is through Leave the door hang open wide For it's easier to release the smell from in here If it's not always boxed up inside
Danny Boy:2-12-13


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Career Move

No wonder I'm snaggin'
Jumping your bar
I've hitched my broke waggin'
To the wrong star...


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RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC

HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
SO TIRED OF THESE CITY STREETS
FUMES EXHAUST AND NOISE NEVER ENDING
HAVE I LOST IT
WELL THATS PENDING
GO AHEAD CUT ME OFF
TAKE THE RIGHT OF WAY
GO AHEAD FLIP ME OFF
CANT BE NICE TODAY
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
ANOTHER MORNING COMMUTE
ONE IS RUDE AND RECKLESS
AND THE REST MUST FOLLOW SUITE
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
THEY ALL LOOK OH SO PISSED
MUST BE RUDE AND RECKLESS
HUMMM GUESS THATS A MEMO THAT I MISSED
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
JUST WANNA GO BACK TO BED
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
LOOK OUT YOU STUPID CREEP!
THIS TRAFFICS MESSING WITH MY HEAD
BUT STOP DRIVING LIKE THAT OR WE'LL ALL BE DEAD
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
ONE IS DOING HER MAKEUP
APPARENTLY WITH HER FEET
ANOTHER IS ON THE PHONE
WISH I COULD TURN THIS CAR AROUND
AND HURRY RIGHT BACK HOME
WELL ITS NEARLY FIVE OCLOCK
BACK IN THE CAR
TIME TO ROCK
HONK HONK BEEP BEEP
CANT WAIT TO TAKE A BATH AND GO TO SLEEP


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The anomaly of irony.

Rolling through a bloody mess,
my master died alone no less.
His mercy was indeed a lie,
he said I lived but now will die.

His hand was swift with a mighty stroke,
within a thought my life was broke.
Oh how I lived, and he knew not,
but now I lay...my life to rot.

No foot, nor hand could move a limb,
Three days old and no sign of him.
And then he came at my wits end,
With strength alone I cant defend.

He lift me up and broke my jaw,
Just to laugh as I hit the floor.
He took a blade and made a fist,
stabbed his flesh, his vein, his wrist.

Now you're dead and now you're mine,
drink from me and you'll be fine.
I could not stand my masters site,
I killed him quick with my own bite.


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Nag Nag Nag

God made Adam out of the clay,
A friend for walks in the cool of the day.
Eden was all that Adam had to tend,
But God decided he needed a friend.

From Adams rib, God did conceive,
A companion for him who He called Eve.
How long he walked with God we do not know,
But it was a good life without sorrow.

But this all came to an abrupt end,
On that morning Eve he did comprehend.
For from the moment she was activated,
Adam's life was aggravated.

Each day became an infernal drag,
Because all she did was NAG, NAG, NAG.
The grass is too green, the flowers too bright,
And where do you go in the cool of the night?

Where do I go when I want a chat?
I've got no friends, did you think of that?
You've got a job, God did you proud,
All I get told is, don't touch that, it's not allowed.

I'm going to leave, with nothing to put in a bag.
Adam said yes, please go, then no more NAG, NAG, NAG..

© Dave Timperley 2013


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Ain't America Great

Miz Liberty welcomed Luigi to America's shores to begin a brand new life.
He arrived at Ellis Isle with piles of baggage, three kids and his addled wife.
He knew not a word of English but there's one thing he understood;
He must soon learn the baffling lingo so as not to be misunderstood!

Luigi enrolled in an English class and was bewildered from the start,
Trying to absorb the meaning of various words the teacher did impart!
There were so many words that sounded alike that he could not construe,
And how to fit them in a sentence or a conversation, he had not a clue!

"For example" he asked, "How and when do I use-a you, yew and ewe?
Please-a told me once-a more when it's-a proper to use-a do, dew and due!
When I visit da zoo, is da beast in da cage called a new, knew or gnu?
Can you tell-a me if da tree colors in fall are called hue, hew or Hugh?"

"How can I know if I use-a these-a words correctly, too, to and two,
Or if I get-a sick which of these-a words do I use-a, flew, flu or flue?
I'm-a having all kinds of troubles with these-a words, heir, hair and hare!
In da market I can't figure if I should ask da man for a pare, pair or pear!"

He strove to comprehend the perplexing language and all its doublespeak.
His kids could speak like natives but for him things were looking bleak!
But over time he learned to parse and spell and the jargon he did subdue!
Last I heard of Luigi he was a tenured English professor at Columbia Yew!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Hypnotist

I listened as you spoke
Gums flapping in the breeze
Words slipping off the tongue
Expressed with so much ease

Your verbal gymnastics 
Deserve a perfect ten
I ask you one question
You repeat it all again

Your words enchant me
I listen while you sell
Some kind of hypnosis
I respond to your spell

I bow to your persuasion
Your rythm my blues
I want what you're selling
This thing I won't use

As I open my checkbook
The spell starts to break 
My brain starts working
When my hand starts to shake


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Dueling Would Be Violins

The vegetable orchestra was about to play Fred and Ted had to have their way Both the same, stubborn twins These two dueling string bean violins “I’m the lead violin” said Fred “No you’re not” said violin Ted “My strings are taught and so fine” “So what” said Fred, "so are mine" “And you’re warped in the middle” “Get lost” said Ted, “You’re just a second hand fiddle” “I'm as good as a Stradivari, don’t you know?, And I have the finest bow” “That doesn’t matter, you’re still a buffoon, Oh, and you’re always out of tune” “Look I’m lead violin, I won’t be thwarted” An angry Fred String bean, retorted The argument went on, it never diminished Until the concert was over and finished So who won?, that’s another story Roger the roobarb stole all the glory
For contest 'Show Me The Funny'


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I Feel Dirty

Why do I feel dirty all day and all night?
I bathe everyday. I do everything hygenically right
and yet 24/7 I feel like I'm all covered with grime constantly.
There's something definetly wrong with my mind psychologically.
It's probably best for all concerned to stay the hell away from me.

I know what you're thinking. This is all about guilt obviously,
but I can't for the life of me think of anything that should make me feel guilty.
Do you think this has anything to do with me slamin P D?...(aka also me). 
lol..lol...ha-ha, hee-hee! < That's me, aka also P D
laughing Our/My brains out insanely.
lol...lol...ha-ha, hee-hee!


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Those Crazy Pole Beans

This is a mostly true story!

A few years ago in central Arkansas
I planted a garden among rich fertile soil
Followed seed packet directions as though written by law
Believing better results came from sweat and toil

Tomatoes and peppers and something called pole beans
Potatoes and onions, colors of corn, I've never seen
Always ended up with mud on the knees of my jeans
Slowly through the dark earth peeked petals of green

Weeks later everything looked just as though I thought it should
And I hoped everything would taste just as good
But those pole beans kept growing like you've never seen
And started making lovely huge beans of green

I had to build a fence to hold them up
Every day they grew another foot taller before sunup
The only way I could pick them was from the top of my ladder
I tell ya', no red head from Ireland has ever been madder!

*note...I am part Irish with red tints in my hair..no insults intended....

©Donna Jones


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Another Criminal Act

Before sentence is passed, please hear my plea
I promise to be the man that I should be
Don't give me death. Please be kind
I have a family I don't want to leave behind.

I was unaware at the time
That what I did was a horrible crime
So now I feel like a louse
Please don't kick me out of the house.

I know what I do now is totally right
I am surrendering without a fight
And with head bowed I know it's time
For me to pay for my crime.

From now on I will go straight
When I start snacking very late
The last thing I do after finishing my drink
Is put the damn dishes in the sink.


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Call Me Insensitive

You call me insensitive,
But I don't believe that's true;
Because, you see,
It's all about me.
It's not about you.

You say your opinion doesn’t matter,
That I’ve no respect for your point of view;
But I do if we agree,
Because it’s all about me.
It’s not about you.

You say I’ve no compassion,
No feelings for your troubles or your blues;
But none of us is issue free,
And mine are all about me;
But…not about you.

A time old adage, 
“To thine own self be true.”,
Is all about choices you see.
My choices are all about me,
And, certainly, not about you.

So, when free or forced to make your choices
You’ll understand and know it’s true 
To decide what will or will not be,
Won’t be at all about me;
It will be all about you

But special moments confront each of us,
When what matters isn’t “Me”.
And while these moments are few,
They’re not about me, not about you.
For a time, it’s all about “We.”

Yes, “…no man is an island.”
Is a valid point of view;
But if it’s not about “We”, 
Then it’s all about me.
Sorry.  It’s not about you.


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Dr Seuss Paranoia

Did you ever have the feeling there's a man in your can? Or a ball down the hall with an eye to spy? Sometimes I'm sure I have ants on a tour of my house without cure. And sometimes I know there's a pup in my cup, yelling "Hey, what's up!" And that white ram in the door jam well, he's on the lam. That's the kind of paranoia I live with each day. I admit I'm delusional in a big way! Some visitors are quite friendly like the girl with a curl under my bed with Earle. But Bower in the shower, well he sings for hours! And the lady named Sadie why she is quite shady! I like Randy. He always has candy. But the man looking at me in the TV, him I wish I couldn't see. All the brunettes in the cabinets, they love to dance about. But that meanie named Bellini, him I could do without! The cat in my hat I don't like at all. And I get quite nervous when Saul runs down the hall. The bears on the stairs taunt me without a sound. And so do the others who like to hang around. Like Bert, and Mert, and Kurt, and Gert who live inside my shirt. I don't care if you don't believe it, find me my straitjacket. I'll never leave it! *Based on the book, There's a Wocket in My Pocket for Dr. Seuss Theme and Form contest (Joann Grisetti) Seventh Place


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Chopstick Chatter

A Chinese lad was at table dawdling with his pork and rice.
This upset his mama-san who reprimanded him in a trice!
"Clean your plate!  Children in America are starving, son!"
And she continued to berate him - her tirade had only begun!

"Your papa-san has a great job while dads in America are on the dole.
Our economy is booming while that of America is lagging, on the whole!
Papa makes good money to provide Americans with the things they need.
You should be very thankful for the jobs they send here, yes indeed!"

"Kids in America can't get a job even with a college education,
But, son, America will provide you with a job in any old vocation!
This is the land of opportunity, my boy, thanks to American capitalists!
You must appreciate all they have done for us Chinese communists!"

"Not so long ago your father and I didn't have a yuan to our name.
Now we have a house and brand new car - life will never be the same!
So I don't want to hear any of your sass or fiddling with your food.
Thanks to the generous Americans, they have lifted our nation's mood!"

"I want you to clean your plate and grow strong to follow in your dad's shoes.
Uncle Sam needs you to make TVs and shirts or anything else they choose.
No more lip!  Clean your plate! I want to see those chopsticks flying!
Think about the kids in America who'll got to bed tonight hungry and crying!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Music, Music, Music

I reckon I'm showing my age and am pretty well set in my ways,
But I have zero tolerance for the noise called music nowadays!
The metal bands and rap are loathsome to my delicate ears.
I haven't heard a melodic tune on the radio for over forty years!

Pleasing to the ear was Vaughn Monroe and his mellow baritone.
Likewise, the romantic, comprehensible crooning of Vic Damone.
A songster who could stir even the most unromantic soul,
Was the silky-smooth delivery of debonair Nat King Cole!

I truly enjoyed the ballads belted out by the ever-living Elvis,
And got a kick out of watching in action his double-jointed pelvis!
Delightful were the songs vocalized by cheerful Doris Day.
It was so relaxing listening to the Velvet Fog, Mister Mel Torme!

Will there ever be another Patti Page, Perry Como or Peggy Lee,
Dinah Shore, Frankie Laine or Jo Stafford serenading me?
Oh, to hear again The Mills Brothers and their sweet harmony.
Now all I hear is dreadful screams and gross disharmony!

Today's drivel to my romantic soul is of great offense.
'Tis foreign to my ears and doesn't make a bit of sense.
Music back then invited you to hold your gal in close embrace,
As you danced and murmured sweet nothings face to face!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Apple toffee coffee.

Sitting through this gloomy day 
I sit and stare and wait.
My mind begins to wonder still
with whats to come to date.

I sniff the air like a pack of wolves
in search of scent and smell.
My eye's scan round this dismal room
but its only me I tell.

So lets try something new this time
and hope its better yet,
I laugh at this my crazy mind,
I think he wants a bet.

Come on now this could be fun
you might just find a mate.
Let your fingers be your guide
and hope its not to late.

Well here we are the game at last,
he thinks he stands a chance.
What is it then this stench we have?
Or can you guess without a glance?

He tastes the air and fills his lungs
and shouts its apple toffee,
but he lacks a tongue to taste it all,
I plainly say its coffee.


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Silly Billy Goes To The Zoo -



Silly Billy went along to the zoo Right after he had the flu That day the whole sky was blue And he carried along his teddy Pooh Silly Billy love walking to the park every day He love watching the clouds in the sky, Silly Billy was just a regular kid too And he had a lot of friends at school like you. Silly Billy best friends were Sue and his Pooh, So when his parents took him to the zoo, He was so happy to bring along his Pooh, And show him all the places to see. Silly Billy wanted to see everything in the zoo, Starting with: the bears, the tigers, and all the monkeys too. Silly Billy asked his dad to let him feed all the animals you see, But his dad told him, he couldn't do that, 'cause that was a wrong thing to do. Silly Billy loved all the animals in the zoo He was so happy to have spent there the day He had so much fun enjoying all the view His father promised him to bring back another day. Silly Billy went back home content with his Pooh, He gave a big hug to his mom and his dad that day; The day was still beautiful but was almost through Silly Billy smiled and looked up at the sky still blue. Silly Billy went along to the zoo Right after he had the flu Silly Billy went along to the zoo With his family and his teddy Pooh. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2007 October, 5, 2014


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The Cow Who Didn't Know How

There Once Was a Cow 
That Didn't Know How
To Moo 
Like Normal Cows Do.

He Took Lessons From the Duck
But Didn't Have Any Luck.

He Tried With The Quail
But That Was a Fail.

He Asked the Pig
Who was Really Quite Big
But Even He Didn't Know How
To Moo 
Like Other Cows Do.

He Asked the Horse
Who Was Brilliant, Of Course.
He Thought it Was Funny
And Said 'Go Ask the Bunny.'

He Tried and Tried
Then Was Hit By a Plow.
And Died as the Cow
That Didn't Know How
 To Moo
Like Normal Cows Do.



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Adam And Eve And The Fig Leaves

Here's something I have been wondering
For so very long
If Adam and Eve wore only figs leaves
How did they keep them on

It couldn't have been a rubber band
And certainly not super glue
I just really have no idea
Do you have a clue

What did they do in the winter
When fig trees are bare
One leaf wouldn't last all year
I think there's a mystery there 

If only Eve hadn't eaten that apple
If only Adam hadn't taken a bite
I wouldn't be trying to solve this
And I'd sleep better at night


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Carolyn

Carolyn Devonshire
Sunny day golden locks
Friends till the end or in hock
Cheery jewels and holly socks

Entertain us with your verse
Until they take us away in a hearse

Poetess the mostest and a lovely hostess
Holiday with a snowflake princess

Thank you for my lovely cheering wishes
Surprised me into a better day!!


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Joe The Plumber

Joe The Plumber announced he was runnin' fer Congress the other day!
Congratulations, Joe!  You the man!  Fer you I shout, "Hooray!"
Tell 'em like it is as you did with Obama - show 'em you won't be outdone!
And, Joe, take yer plumbers' kit - you'll need it to repair the damage done!

Include screwdrivers to tighten the screws on higher taxes and spendin',
And yer biggest wrench to shut off the flow of governmental lendin'!
Take yer solderin' arn so as to solidify warm relationships with yer peers,
And a pipe cutter to cut off zany filibusterin' that is tiresome to yer ears!

You'll need a hundred rolls of duct tape to stem the flow of inane babble,
And gallons of Liquid Plummer to unclog the stalemate of that useless rabble!
A good pipe wrench will come in handy to tighten the discipline in that 'joint',
And a twelve-foot stepladder to rise above that rotten mob to make yer point!

Joe, show 'em what real 'change' is meant to be with a new 'shower' of hope!
Flush political correctness down the john that's gotten us on this slippery slope!
Be sure to take yer roto-rooter and clean the sewer that is Washington, DC!
Use yer most powerful hose to flush the whole mucked-up mess out to sea!

Robert L. Hinshaw,CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Say something funny

Sir ! say something funny , the little boy said .
'Cause Mom is now dying and Daddy is dead .
Grandad has piles and he can't sit down .
Gran's on a bender , somewhere on the town .
The dog just had kittens , and the hen , she wont lay .
The toilet is flooded and the rent we can't pay .
My brother has acne ; picking pimples all week .
The goldfish can't swim and the budgie wont speak .
My best funny friend , just sits with a frown .
My frog has just croaked it , my last duck just drowned .
My Y~fronts need changing after 3 months or more .
I've got ire on my thighs from the skidmarks galore .
My red nose is running and my sleeve is green blue .
There's a hole in my sock and 2 more in my shoe .
Sister Sue's on the game and she's got a bad rash .
She's making the bucks , but spending the cash .
My invisable friend , disappeared late last night .
Saying , he must see a Shrink , I have made him uptight .
Our Priest got the last rites ; the new Vicar just sinned .
She breaks with tradition and also breaks wind ! 
But apart from  all that , things aint so bad .
My corns still flake and happyhour aint so sad .
So please Sir !  say something funny to unmask this frown .......

" GET LOST , you bad penny !! . I need a good ... long ... liedown ."






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Mission Statement

To be faithful and true, honest and good, that’s anyone’s mission in life if they could
But I want to be rich, famous, and a fantastic celebrity
Then I could share out my wealth with those less fortunate than me.


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MPD is P D & Me

I am inflicted with MPD,
a mental disorder whereupon I live separate and unique individual personalities.
I am here to declare to all of you the truth (or I may be screwing with you maybe)
BILLYtheKidster is also The Poet Destroyer aka P D.
So in essence I CRUSHED myself basically.
I wonder what kind of comment P D, aka me, will leave yours truly, also aka me.
One thing's for sure, BILLYtheKidster, aka Poet Destroyer, aka P D
are all most certainly certifiably insane to a very high fun loving degree.


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Kilroy Was Here

There was an elusive little guy often espied during World War Two,
And who he was and whence he came no one ever really knew!
He was a bald headed little feller with a very prominent nose,
And he always left the message "Kilroy Was Here" in very stilted prose!

You seldom saw his eyes and his hands were clinging to a wall.
Many G.I.s saw him in latrine stalls and in their greasy dining hall!
His origin and parting message are debated to this very day,
And no one has ever nabbed the graffiti artists who always slunk away!

He was portrayed in cruisers, battleships and even on submarines!
Kilroy's portrait was tattooed on the chests of a few diehard Marines!
'Tis said Hitler saw "Kilroy Was Here" and wondered what it meant,
Thinking it a secret code when found on American accouterment!

Kilroy became as famous as the mysterious smile on the Mona Lisa.
(I even saw his mug when I climbed to the top of the Tower of Pisa!)
Rosie the Riveter may have been guilty, if the truth were told,
Of tracing Kilroy's image on bombers, including the bomb bay hold!

Well, 'tis for sure we couldn't have won the war without the little guy!
Kilroy's antics lifted morale at home and overseas, that you can't deny!
But you haven't seen the last of him, for he is forever etched in history,
On the World War Two Monument in DC - how he got there is a mystery!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

For those a tad younger who may have never heard of Kilroy, go to your search
and type in "Kilroy Was Here" and click the Wikipedia notation and you will learn
more than you ever wanted to know about him!


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Where Has Dad Gone, Mama Dear

Where has dad gone, momma dear?
Hush, my little lamb.
Your dad's gone to the thicket dear 
And mad old Abraham

That man went early this grim morn, and took his sharpened knife
And with him took his own first born, to offer up his life
With servants and with firewood, both, they journeyed to Moriah
And on the hillside there they built an altar and a fire

And Isaac, when he heard the plan, went willingly, it's odd
That he should let that daft old man, so worship his cruel god.
Your father, he was passing by, and heard but could not see
And foolishly could not deny his curiosity

So closer did your father scramble peering through the thorns
Unaware of how the brambles tangled with his horns
Just to see a crazy man who planned to kill his kin
Your father did not understand the danger he was in

For then again that mad old man started hearing voices
His god was speaking to the loon and giving him new choices
And so his plan to slay the boy came about to falter
And Abraham, he took your pa and dragged him to the altar

But that was never fair, mama, can you tell me why
When Isaac he was all prepared and well prepared to die
And all had been decided on, so what cruel trick mama
Was played upon that grand old ram, who was my own papa?

Life is not fair, my little lamb, nor is it like to change
And fate plays tricks on all of us, both sinister and strange
So you take care, my little lamb, with this advice from me 
Do not visit places where you know you should not be

The moral of this story dear, is take heed of the odds
And stay away from two-leggies worshipping their gods


Details | Rhyme | |

Good Luck Meal

A good luck meal on New Years Day, consists of many things,
They say it makes a difference on what the New Year brings.
I got to thinking ,wow, what luck, for the pig that gave that chop,
that i stuffed with the dressing and put sour kraut on top.
He wasn't very lucky as anyone could see, and when I served the black eyed peas,
they were staring back at me.
As if to say, "your lucky meal was bought with a great cost.
It wasn't very lucky for the pig whose life was lost."
To myself I wondered , How can I eat this meal?
I was thinking about that piggy, I could even hear him squeel.
I bowed my head and said dear God, I know this food is blessed,
Help us to be so thankful for that pig who is at rest.
So as I passed the food along I said in words so clear,
Thank you pig for being food for my lucky year.


Details | Rhyme | |

Hodge Podge

A trickey question came up,
while some friends had a talk.
If a "fly" had no wings,
would you call him a "walk"?

Another thing that puzzled their minds!
If a turtle doesn't have a shell,
is he's considered "naked" or "homeless",
it would be real hard to tell?

The next problem, they wanted to solve,
but soon discovered they can't!
What to do if an endangered animal,
is eating an endangered plant?

They wanted to know what disease, "cured-ham" had?
Also, none of them could recall,
Why does rain "drop",
and why does snow "fall"?

Here's yet, another question,
they felt that needed clearing!
If a deaf person has to go to court,
do they still call it a "hearing"?

When you die and go to heaven,
they summised to their chagrin,
that you must spend eternity,
in the clothes, you're buried in!

We sometimes say "it's Greek to me"'
when in a state of disarray!
But, in the very same predicament,
what do "Greek folks" say?

Don't give up, we're often told!
But, there's one thing, that I don't git!
If someone says "all is not lost"'
then where the heck, "is it"?






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Insomniac's Lament

Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I’m feverishly counting sheep …
Hoping that the perfect number 
Rewards me with a dreamless slumber.

Envisioning the sylvan state, 
I close my eyes and concentrate 
On willing ev’ry fuzzy shape 
To leap in order through the gate.  

I trust they’ll form a proper queue 
And, decorously stepping through
In ranks of three for my review, 
Pass by my vision ewe by ewe.

But will they do this? Will they ‘eck! 
They’re making me a nervous wreck! 
They leap the hedge, and come back round 
And thus my counting do confound.

And then they dance! I swear they do! 
They link their arms and sashay through … 
They buck-and-wing, and twist, and spin,
Each sheepish face a saucy grin … 

And while these woolly matrons rumba … 
I’ve clean forgot the flippin’ number! 
So then I’m back to number one 
And wishing I had ne’er begun! 

Till, once more, frazzled and forlorn,
I’m wide awake to greet the dawn.



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My Friend Robbie

I have a dear feathered friend who greets me each day at dawn!
He likes to dwell in and around the crab apple tree on my lawn!
From his perch he serenades me on wintry Colorado morns so drear,
Cheerily belting out trilling melodies that are so pleasing to my ear!

Oft I've wondered why Robbie Red Breast opts to winter here at all,
'Specially since all his friends flee these icy climes for Florida each fall!
While they bask in the warming sun enjoying cocktails of orange juice,
He prefers wintering here with me along with all its nippy abuse!

'Tis a wonder that the little creature can manage to survive,
Since there are no wiggly worms for him upon which to thrive!
Robbie doesn't worry - The Omnipotent Creator sees to his daily needs,
By providing an occasional hapless bug and a few wind-blown seeds!

I think that rascal relishes wakening me from my slumber each morn,
As he flexes his wings and sounds reveille to begin his daily bourne!
I'd rather be woken by him, tho', than the neighbor's yapping mutts!
'Tis certainly far more pleasant - of that there ain't no ifs, ands or buts!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Thirtieth High School Reunion

We gathered for our thirtieth class reunion at Lydia's Smorgasbord.
I'd avoided such past events since in school I was largely ignored!
But my spouse proclaimed we would attend, thus ending that debate!
The dreaded encounter is expressed in verse below that I will now relate!

A social hour preceded the buffet where the booze freely flowed!
I looked about the room to see if I could spot anyone that I knowed.
I hardly recognized the campus queen - she had acquired a heap of weight!
That once haughty snob now tipped the scales, I judged, at one ninety-eight!

I saw the big-man-on-campus who was named most apt to score success.
He had a dearth of hair, an ample gut and an astonishing lack of finesse!
Some gal with purple hair staggered up to me and planted a slobbering kiss!
Must've been one of my old flames as I mused, "Now, who in hell is this!"

Guys gravitated my way boasting about this and that bending my ear.
They bored me with nasty jokes and trivia that I really didn't want to hear!
Of course I told all how great they looked, staring them dead in the eye,
And asking the Lord's forgiveness and crossed my fingers for telling such a lie!

The jocks were trying to impress one and all with their waning capabilities.
Most were hobbling about with canes discreetly masking their disabilities!
'Twas an interesting eve and the grub was great, of that there is no doubt,
But for our fortieth, fiftieth and sixtieth reunions, please include me out!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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T'was The Night After New Years

(True story...!!)      
                                   ~
T'was the night after New Years, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings and tree stored away with a sigh,
Finished the eggnog, and the last piece of pie.
Me in my nightie,  while Pa fed the cat 
We had just let the dog out, and said, "Goodnight, dear, that's a wrap!"
Then we both settled down for a long winter's nap

When the phone by the bedside, cracked the silence with a clatter!
And I awoke in a daze to see what was the matter!
Neighbor Dan on the phone.....he needed some help!
I laughed when he told me, in spite of myself!
A cow's in his pool, so chubby and plump!!
He needed some help to haul out it's big rump!

Rushing over,...to my wondering eyes should appear
There's Old Bessie in water, her eyes full of fear!
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof,
Old Bessie was frightened, she had made a big goof!

Friends ran to the rescue, and went straight to work...
Taking care that poor Bessie wouldn't get hurt.
They put heads together and laid out a plan,
Getting ropes 'round Old Bessie as fast as they can.
Tied the ropes to Dan's truck, then gave him a whistle
And up came Old Bessie like the down of a thistle!
She shook from the cold like a bowlful of jelly,
So they patted and prodded, till she rolled on her belly.
Then off ran the cow, with relief and so merry,
Her cheeks a bit frozen, her nose like a cherry!

We were offered hot chocolate to warm up again,
Four o'clock in the morning, and it was time to turn in!
Our neighbor called out, as we got out of sight,
"Have a good year and thank you!! And to all a good night!"

                                              ~
That's how our New Year began,.... Country life is, seriously,....NOT boring!!
So you think, I'm way off track, mixing holiday stories?
The gift of friendship, where neighbors help their neighbors
What better gift for a Christmas, much better late, than never
Sometimes, Christmas shows up later.  It's no cause for alarm
The charm is often hidden, one you'll laugh about forever
_________


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Oh, Lord, What Have I Done

The glamorous uniform looked sharp in the posters about town.
Recruiters convinced the lad to join the Marines of great renown!
Reveille called, sergeants screamed, another tortuous day had begun!
He cried, "Lord, have mercy on me! What in the world have I done!"

The giddy lad proposed marriage to his beautiful young miss.
She happily concurred and he looked forward to years of bliss!
Now he has a common scold for a wife and a paucity of fun.
He lamented, "Lord, have mercy! What in the world have I done!"

The president-elect anticipated the perks and leading the nation,
And the dream of his dubious promises sailing through legislation.
He inherited unemployment, recession, wars and things left undone.
He puzzled, "Lord, have mercy! What in the world have I done!"

Assailed on all sides by savages and with things looking grim,
The impetuous Custer found himself hanging on to a sagging limb!
His last words might have been upon nearing life's setting sun:
"Oh, Lord! Have mercy on me! What in the world have I done!"

When we near the end of life's treacherous and rocky trail,
And are about to enter eternity through that mysterious veil,
We are apt to reflect on things we've done or left undone,
By pleading, "Oh, Lord have Mercy! What MIGHT I have done?"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved



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A Few of My Suckiest Things with apologies to Julie Andrews

Stubbing my toeses and whiskers on women
Stepping on nettles and by a swarm of bees bitten
Bounded like hostages tied up with strings
These are a few of my suckiest things

White collared phonies and bills piled in oodles
Bad smells and poop felled from schnauzers and poodles
Old geezers who cry when the old swooner sings 
These are a few of my suckiest things

News from the presses with more stock value slashes
Cornflakes that grow soggy when in the milk splashes
Little wood splinters that felt like a sting
These are a few of my suckiest things

When the moon lights
When the glee sings
When I’m feeling glad
I stumble upon one of my suckiest things
And everything turns bad

<< REPEAT >>


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The Yard Sale Syndrome

Shrunken sweaters, dusty ball caps
Tarnished silver, and hedge clippers
Pointed hat pins, gaudy jewelry
Faded jeans and worn out slippers
Greasy fry pan, wobbly table
Crates of dog-eared musty books
Tattered doilies, ragged Barbies
One brown old crock pot that still cooks

Rusty shovel, dented buckets
Ma's old apron, broken dishes
Dated calendar, crooked lampshade
Chipped glass bowl for all your fishes
Ugly painting, candle holders
One old bike for exercising
Broken TV, toaster oven
Doesn't work....it's not surprising!

What's the point?" our husbands mutter
While we fill the garage with clutter
I explain to him..."She buys mine, and I buy hers"
"What's the point of shopping stores??!"
"Now...don't you know the grass is greener?"
"OH GOOD!"  "She's bought my vacuum cleaner!"

Just then I point across the street!!
Another yard sale.....and we both shriek!!

He points at me and shakes his fist
But I'll just ignore and toss a kiss
And side by side I'm in a race...
Who gets there first will buy that vase!!
Whoopee!!!  I spy a broken chair...well, I can glue it!
Just hope she doesn't beat me to it!
Another point about my purchase
Perhaps I can use it for another purpose

    Oh No!!...he's found old tool collections!!
    And points at them with great affection!!

The point I'm making is simply this
Another's person's trash or junk, may soon become your bliss!


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Whenever I can't Rhyme

Whenever I have writter's block, whenever I can't rhyme
this is what I do to fill my writter's block time.
I go and I annoy P D most of the time.


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Gold-Trochee

If my horse on the race course
a winner for me
then the course for my race horse
makes me debt free.

So the beat of the mare's feet
makes me debt free
gold such a treat for this feat
a winner for me.


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Mouse-Pig

I have a fat and furry friend
All pink and spotty black.
I grew him from some Camembert-
The smelly little Rat!

He is my very Mouse-Pig
For that’s his very name, 
Sometimes I call him Roger 
Just like his steptwin Shane. 

I like to give him all I can
Though humble poor are we.
I gave him a good character- 
2 slices for his tea. 

I love my little Mouse-Pig 
I love him like a pet. 
Sometimes I take him out for walks 
And sometimes to the vet.

I dare not let him venture far 
For fear he won’t come back. 
Last week he almost wandered off 
Without his packymac. 

‘You’ll catch your death- or even worse!’ 
I warned in worried tone. 
‘There’s things out there what likes to eat 
A Mouse-Pig far from home. 

‘Don’t worry Dad,’ he answered back 
In usual piggy chatter. 
‘If anyone should have a go 
I’ll cover them in batter!’ 

Then all at once, without a sound 
He sang with all his might. 
I’ve never heard a Mouse-Pig 
I said in wondrous sight.

‘That’s nothing Pa,’ he mouthed in tune, 
And leaping to his trotters
Declared as he flew flying off-
I’ll show those dirty rotters!’

‘Farewell my fat and furry friend,’
I bellied to the sky,
And turning one last time he squeaked,
‘I’m off to find my sty.’

And then he flew right out of sight, 
As far as I could see, 
And with a little shedding tear 
I went in for my tea. 


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Cinderella Bites Back

Cinderella Bites Back
Joanna Davis


Once upon a story; in a fairy tail
lived a shy and lonely girl
who's friends were Mop and Pail 
She was really quite a clever girl,
but suffered hate and spite
until an invitation came 
and she wished with all her might

‘if only I could go to the ball’
she cried when no one was around
then out of a tiny hole 
she heard  the faintest sound
'Of course you can go to the ball
What makes you think you can't?'
'Just because that witch said no
doesn’t mean you shan’t!' 

'But my dress is in rags
My feet dirty and bare 
There's nothing in my closet
that I could really wear' 
‘Don't worry’ said the little mouse
for I know just the thing
By the time I've finished
you’ll have a wedding ring 

'Oh no’ said Cinderella 
that's not what I had in mind
I was rather hoping for a career;
a chance to serve mankind
The mouse thought for a moment 
sized up her situation
'It’s not a wardrobe you need
but an education'! 

So  when you read this story
or listen to this tale
about a sad and lonely girl
with a mop and pail 
Remember that the dream you wish
or star you hope to find
has always been there with you,
tucked safely in your mind!


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Only God Could Love A Bumblebee

I think that I shall never see
A lovely poem written in defense of the bumblebee!
The ponderous and not so glamorous humble bee -
Obviously dreamed up by a senatorial sub committee!

An old stump that in summer becomes its deadly lair,
It flits about chasing little kids, settling in their hair!
It brandishes its fearsome stinger- its well-known bane,
And when stabbed in the fanny causes a heap o' pain!

It bumbles about with gossamer wings so delicately thin,
And upon its loutish face, notice that fiendish grin!
Such silly poems as this are composed only by fools like me,
But 'tis for certain that only God could love a bumblebee!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

With sincere apologies to one of my favorite poets, Joyce Kilmer,
for my parody of his beautiful poem "Trees"!


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Poet's Fortune Cookie

Don't rip your heart open too deep
(All they'll see are the valves and the veins)
Don't puke out your guts in one heap
(All they'll smell is the rotten Chow Mein)


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"A Rose From Heaven Grows"

May we always address dis-complacency, the vacancy,
And remove all opposes, to our roses,............................................................(Acts 18:4-6)
Here at Poetry Soup, completing love’s 100% loop, in our soup,

For an authentic rose, from God it grows, always knows,
It’s own heart, from which it grows,

For authenticity’s, dis-complacency
Displaces a rose, from which it grows, then only heaven knows,
A rose, from which it grows,
Then it tis the mind’s dis-complacency, from it’s own heart,
Then does it’s part, hid from it’s own heart,
Redresses the rose, then rose begin an oppose,
To it’s heart, from which it grows,......................................(II Thes.2:3-5) Ego mind persona

A displaced rose, is still a rose,
By it’s own authenticity, it still grows,
As the heart, still does it’s part, from the very start,

For it  tis the mind, lost in it’s wilderness time, must realign,
With beginning of time, love of heart’s kind,
For it  tis,  redressing of mind, with heart’s beginning of time,
That undresses the rose, from it’s dress of the oppose,..........................(II Timothy 2:24-25)
For a rose, is still a rose, from whence it grows,
Not death’s oppose,

Like a tree, grows from inside itself, you see,
From an higher intelligence, to be,
That being,  from it’s own heart, it’s love of start,

Like a dog, is a dog, not a hog,
Tis  it’s central intelligent being, does it’s seeing,
Not it’s bureaucracy of fleas, hidden in it’s leaves,
Nor living in the hairs of your scalp,- Yeeeeeap!
Taking their ease, if you please,

As a nation, we have bureaucratic fleas, living in our leaves,
The fleas are in control, should a flea be so bold,
To tell the truth, tis growing old,

Should a parasite raise our taxes, should the parasites waxes us,
In our town hall meetings, try to ignore our pleadings,
And begin their elite minded proceedings, 
By saying we are criminals, and it they are the emeralds,
Tis our freedom of speech, being bleached,  under siege,
Should not even a dog own his own fleas, guys pleeeeease!

Our government is not a party to our rose,
They are opposed, to our rose, the fleas that grows, 
From the power of our rose,
In our leaves, if you please,
A parasite, out of sight, must take flight,

Tis their complexity, the hex, no flex, too complex,
Will bring our nation to it’s knees, so please,
Use your voice, of choice, 
Our fleas have become to numerous, to humor us,
Not a plus, but like a rust,
Our fleas in charge of us!!

9-20-09 johnmosesfreeman@yahoo.com


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Ethel's Remedies

Her name was Ethel....(yes, like the gasoline)
She smelled of menthol...(much like Vick's Vaseline)
A long time neighbor, from down the lane
She was married twice...(or was it thrice?)...
A widowed lady, we knew her well

A bit disgruntled, and a bit dismantled
A bit unusual.....a bit disturbed
and most the time, seemed quite perturbed!!
And as a kid....of her, I feared!

So scared of her that when she came  .....Holy Moly, off I'd run!
And hide away..........'til she was gone!

She was a mix of ice.....a tad of nice....
But my mother trusted her sage advice
She had a cure for most everything....some seemed rather sensible
Some quite extreme!!!

The worst indeed..............(Please excuse my dilemma!)
She believed in the (OMG!!)   THE ENEMA!!
(Well....now you can see .....just why I hid!!)
And castor oil..............gahhhhhh.......how disgusting!!
Should only be used when parts are rusting!!!!!!

And an old rag wrapped and rubbed on your wart
Then into a hole.....dug out by the fort....
Yep!!  Now, why would a dishrag buried in the yard
Could have such power to rid.................................A WART??

Ridiculous notions....all of her potions......but...
Golly, Gee Whiz!    , I'll have to say...
That I've been wart free.........since buried rag days!!
Oh, Miss Ethel..............perhaps you were weird....
but you would fix a mother's fears...
Could you still fix-up all my own....
all of my fears....after all these years?
Just NO MORE ENEMAS!!! Please Miss Ethel..... 
                             Oh !! my dear !!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




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KISS

Kiss saves and kills
Drop by drop KISS increases 
To form an ocean of EMOTION 
EMOTION in love billows
Around many pillows 
With PASSION it is POWERED 
You lose control over your EMOTION 
Your EMOTION now sets you in MOTION
To the journey of no return. 
You may ask, What is bad in it? 
The bad IN it is at the END of it!


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Retail Christmas 2

It's one week till Christmas
And we've had enough
Of grumpy old shoppers
Complaining about stuff.

They hate the line-ups,
They hate the cashiers.
They won't be happy 
Till they have us in tears.

The things they are after
Are long gone from the store.
They find it incredulous
We won't be getting more.

Last minute shoppers 
Are a pain in the rump.
Each night by closing
This place looks like a dump.

One more week to go,
I sure hope we make it
But in the meantime
We'll just smile and fake it.


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Feature Those Creatures Getting Ready

A misconception is the tale That we should dread October's spell It's time to wear your scary faces For cloudy nights, and creepy spaces! Mummies stretch by light of day Ghouls in shadows want to play Ghosts, behind the pillars, peek They practice wailing, tune their shrieks Spiders weave around the room A wart-nosed witch will mend her broom The cauldron cleaned with spit and shine Prepared to hold a drink of slime With tasty toads and wormy molds It boils steamy brew that's bold Graveyards readied, dark with gloom Bats in belfries wait for doom No need to dread the harvest moon All Hallow's Eve is coming soon They've all worked hard to be prepared Join the party, IF YOU DARE!! """""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""" For Linda Marie's Contest: Creatures of the Night By Carrie Richards


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Shameful Morning

not sure how she got here 
only know she needs to leave

underneath the stranger 
my arm numb; asleep, 
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry 

princess of night 
exposed by light. 
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess. 

bed broken
along with my will. 
I swore never again; 
the lie is half the thrill.

~JSLambert


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THE TARANTULA BUILT A WEB

The tarantula built  
a web in the upper-left corner of my patio;
she weaved it perfectly as Antonio
rose on his wobbling feet to reach it.


That boy didn't know that 
spiders get vicious and suddenly bite 
when someone tries to grab them for spite,
and Antonio tried to pull it down with a tiny twig...
no, it didn't work, so he tried again with a long stick;
oh, once a garden spider got stuck into his mom's wig! 


" Antonio, put it down,
before it crawls onto your skin! "
The spider will bite you on the cheek
and you'll be doing the Tarantula Dance! "
I yelled by taking the stick away from him with extreme force.
" No, I like that spider...that's the one I want to keep! "
He rebelled with a grin, transforming himself into a beast.
" OK, you can keep it, but remember spiders creep! "
I warned him and told him to wear a mask and just peak.  


The tarantula built a web where rain or storms
never soaked it, and scorching sun rays
never melted it...how laborious she was in summer's long days!
We watched it going to and fro searching for food for her little one
as we took daily videos and had fun watching them!
After all, I realized that a spider is not dangerous...if left alone;
and Antonio kept his distance by warning other boys
that trying to catch a tarantula is a very dangerous game!


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Pink

Pink is fizzy and sometimes puffy.
Like cotton candy, it can be fluffy.
But, did you ever stop to think,
What if there was no color pink?

For instance, chewing bubble gum
Would be so boring and ho-hum,
‘Cause it is no fun either way
Blowing bubbles in white or gray.

What would we call our finger and toe?
The smallest ones we have - you know.
Instead of calling them our “pinkies,”
We would have to say they’re “dinkies!”

The arrival of new baby girls,
Wearing cute dimples and little curls,
Would mix up storks’ deliveries
With only little blue blankies!

You’d dance the polka out of step
And likely lose your perk and pep.
Your feet would tangle up in knots
Not sporting those pink polka dots.

Dropping coins in a green piggy bank,
Would sound real dull, more like a clank.
So you might as well save your dimes and nickels
In a big jar of sweet crunchy pickles!

Iced animal crackers wouldn’t taste the same.
We’d call spumoni by another name.
And dreaming of pink flying elephants
Would be more than just utter nonsense.

So, imagine this-
When something strikes your fancy
And makes you feel good inside,
You couldn’t be tickled pink, but turquoise.
Now, that’s just plain hue-icide!

But it’s certainly not at all too late
For you to decide this color’s fate.
There’s no need to get too distraught-
I’ll leave you with some food for thought:

The next time a pink grapefruit squirts you in the eye
And stings when you blink and makes you cry,
Just take a moment to stop and think
How much you appreciate the color pink!


By Sue Burd © 2010


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What a Way to Go

Of course it would involve making love
If I had to choose the way that I would die
Fornicating until my heart gives out
Is something I might like to try

The mortician might have a job to do
In trying to fix the smile stuck on my face
And the cause of death on the certificate
Might result in a little disgrace

But alas, my heart seems to last much longer
Than the other required part for this act
But I am willing to keep on giving it a try
And on that you can bet as a fact


Written for the "Die A Fun Death" contest.


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THE RELUCTANT BOOTSCOOTER

I s’pose you've heard of Tamworth and the shindig there each year, 
where country music reigns supreme and all its stars appear.  
They’re in the pubs and all the clubs and arcades 'round the town      
and Peel Street is just full of pics all strumming up and down. 
 
In years of late another breed of artists have appeared; 
Bush Poets with their rhyming verse, who are now quite revered. 
The Longyard and Imperial pubs and Leagues Club host a few, 
while golf and bowls clubs house more mobs and Peel street has them too.  
  
It happens that I'm one of them and have for six straight years 
performed to folk my style of verse -  The Laughter and the Tears. 
You make them cry, you make them laugh, you keep your tales true blue, 
for that is what the folk demand:  be Aussie through and through. 
 
Most folk they see us poets as the ocker type of bloke 
and know we see line dancing as some kind of flamin' joke.  
They stream to Tamworth each year and stretch out along Peel street. 
These hordes of blokes and sheilas with their fancy prancin' feet. 
 
They’re shapes and sizes are diverese, no two frames look the same, 
with fancy shirts embroidered with the place from hence they came.   
They tuck their thumbs behind their belts then line up in a row 
and when the music kicks on in they boot scoot to and fro. 
 
Each year they have this ritual, that really is a bore; 
They try to break the record they procured the year before. 
Like locusts they assemble and I watch them with disdain 
'cause surely they've got Buckley's chance of doing it again. 
 
[CONTINUED]


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Walk Softly


I love the way you walk in your stilettos
The clickety click sound of your heels 
The seductive sway of your hips 
And the luring gaze that appeals

But when you walk softy
That is what I love the best
As your stilettos cover new territories 
Across my bony chest

Oh the view my Soupies the view
Of man’s weakness I do stare
But never trust a woman in stilettos
As your bit lay unattended and bare.

Uhhhhhhhh!


 I am the Mad Poet. For Debbie Guzzi.  (I never enter contests to win.)


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Granddads Book

In my quiet times I often try,
To remember places I've been.
To recall folk I have passed by,
And sights that I have seen.

There is nothing wrong with my mind,
Sometimes my memory is quite refined.
I think it's filled over many a year,
With so much junk, nothing seems clear.

So, I made up my mind to write it all down,
To recall it all caused me to frown
It started like I was in the dark,
A memory flared, I was in the park.

That day in the park was just the lever,
I found my mind was as good as ever.
Tho' times and places got out of line,
I wrote it all down, now wasn't I clever!

I'm nearly at the end of my story,
A journey I'm glad that I took.
For my grandsons to read in years to come,
I'll call it Granddads Book.

© Dave Timperley 2012.


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The shortcomings of genius

Athletes of intellect ponder difficult questions
Cortex’s quiver to cerebral suggestions
A genius theorises with a deepening frown
Well, how come my toast always lands face down?

Quantum conundrums confoundingly dreary  
Cynical scientists dismiss a new theory
A mastermind clutches his head in distress 
Well, if a crab has no shell, is it naked or homeless?

Wisdom, the child of mental ability
Science, the offspring of cranial agility
Empirical evidence so hard to collate 
Well, why does sour cream have an expiry date?



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Green Eggs and Gooseberry Jam

Heckle and Jeckle, jellyroll jam,
Ponce de Leon’s Fountain of Youth.
Little kids like to eat green eggs and ham;
So do you – now tell me the truth!

One fish, two fish, red, white and blue fish,
Old glory is waving on high;
A moss-covered, three-handled family cradunza
Might suddenly take to the sky.

Tiddly-winkle little starfish,
In a show starring Bullwinkle Moose;
Rocky the Squirrel shares raspberry jam
With Old Mother Hubbardy Goose.

Goosey Lucy and old Turkey Lurkey
Hiding out in the Wise-acre Wood;
Lambchop takes tea with his jellyroll jam,
While jammin’ with Johnny B. Good.

Humpty Dumpty, coddleston pie,
Three little Pigletty pooh;
Jam up jelly tight hot cross buns,
Magpies eat jellybeans, too.


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I wish I was a poet

I wish  I was a poet
a surgeon of verse many would know it
how do they express the sublime
with graceful words that don't even rhyme
it's amazing how they do it
I marvel at the beauty of a poem's spirit
maybe I could even write a  poem
should it be jagged or should I flow it
I don't know I'm trying to think
I'm getting closer I'm on the brink
here it goes, it may be lame
but I write this poem just the same
the words aren't graceful, yes I know it
I'm  still wishing I was a poet


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DIVINE JUSTICE

Young Father Murphy, Parish Priest, 
he rang Archbishop Moore, 
advising him he suddenly 
had taken rather poor.  
"I'll not be fit for Sunday mass 
as I'm confined to bed, 
I'm hoping please your Eminence 
you'll do it please instead." 
 
"Good Father Murphy say no more, 
for you should never doubt, 
the willingness of love my son  
to help a brother out. 
So have no fear, your flock is safe, 
I’ll shepherd it with love 
and while confined you should confer 
with him who is above." 
 
Then as the cock crowed Sunday morn 
good Father rose in haste 
and gathered all his golfing gear, 
there was no time to waste. 
He parred the first and second holes, 
his cheeks were all aglow, 
when up in heaven Gabriel saw 
the sinful priest below. 
 
He took the matter higher up 
for justice must be served. 
The LORD said, "I've been watching son, 
it's not gone unobserved." 
The third it was a par three hole, 
so Father gave it some, 
his ball it lofted in the air 
and Murphy holed in one. 

Poor Gabriel he just looked in awe ... 
the LORD sensed he was vexed; 
How justice had been served that day 
had Gabriel quite perplexed. 
"Dear Gabriel it may seem to you  
the priest has gained the most, 
but when it's said and done my son, 
to whom will Murphy boast."


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Pirates Cove

Water wives live sheltered lives
Amongst the coves where pirates rove

Daily catch is makers match
Where red hot stoves hide fresh baked loaves

Water men are thick and thin
So often strove where shipmates hove

Water child is often wild
The treasure trove where pirates roved

19Mar14


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THE RELUCTANT BOOTSCOOTER [CONT'D]

But somehow they have done it and you can't help but admire, 
the pluck of these boot scootin' folk ... they never seem to tire. 
This year the faithful came again though couldn't help but doubt, 
no matter how they wanted to their run of luck was out. 

The M.C. kept on calling out, "All register now please. 
If we don't keep the record folks it could go overseas." 
The comment cut just like a knife.  I thought, “you man or mouse?” 
'Cause, what if they were just one short?   You'd really feel a louse.  
 
The more the M.C. made his plea the more it gnawed at me, 
until I cracked and ran on up and paid the flamin' fee. 
I stuck my ticket on my shirt and joined the middle row 
and wished they'd kick the music off and get on with the show. 
 
My biggest fear was if my mates were watching in the crowd. 
They'd never let me live it down.  The M.C. cried out loud. 
"It's time folks," and the music played.  I thought I'd take a punt 
and pranced along by following the tall chick there in front. 
 
Then when the music stopped at last I made a quick retreat, 
relieved that I had not been seen boot scootin' in the street. 
We broke the record once again and felt real good deep down, 
but please don't tell me poet mates -  they'd run me out of town! 
 
 
Each year as I've sat in front of Grace Bros. Store at the Tamworth Country Music 
Festival, performing our show and selling our product, I have observed the ritual of 
bootscooters gathering in Peel Street to break the record for the largest number of 
bootscooters gathered in one place. A record they have broken annually for some years now 
in the Guinness Book of Records.  Each year I have grappled with the thought - what if 
they were short by one? - so I had to tell the story.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Squabblesons

During their courting days into her limpid eyes he would gaze.
When in his arms his many charms set her very soul ablaze!
The sweet nothings once whispered when they would bill and coo,
Became table-thumping screaming matches once they said, "I Do!"

BEFORE:  My dearest one, you take my very breath away!
AFTER:  I feel like I am suffocating - now get out of my way!
BEFORE: You have a divine figure akin to that of a Grecian figurine!
AFTER:  You there, with the beer belly!  To call me obese is obscene!

BEFORE:  I can hardly believe we were lucky enough to find each other!
AFTER:  I can't believe I ended up with someone like you! Oh, brother!
BEFORE:  Honey, I don't have much money but I promise to get you some!
AFTER:  Take a look around this dump!  Go and find a job you no good bum!

BEFORE:  Tonight it's a show and then to the Ritz for oysters on the shell!
AFTER:  Fish sticks with beer and wrestling on TV again tonight! Oh, hell!
BEFORE:  Without you, my darling, it is as if time was standing still!
AFTER:  This relationship isn't going anywhere except straight downhill!

BEFORE:  Sweetheart, our marriage will always be one of equal partnership!
AFTER:  You are nothing but a controlling, egomaniac you big drip!
BEFORE:  On our fiftieth wedding anniversary you'll still be my bride!
AFTER:  Well, we finally made it to our fiftieth but it's been a rocky ride!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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I'LL NE'ER FORGET THAT DAY OLD MATE

My heart was pumping hard that day I faced the maddening crowd, 
Despite the spinning in my head I stood there mighty proud. 
Though racked with pain my reddened hand acknowledged them a wave 
And to this day I've ne'er forgot, the accolades they gave. 
 
It was a dream come true you see to stand there in that ring, 
For rodeo was in my blood and one day I'd be king. 
The beast I drew was mean and lean ... no Chainsaw I admit, 
But still if I could just ride time I'd show them I had grit. 
 
I'd limbered up behind the chute preparing for the ride, 
Well knowing what was just ahead, but took it in my stride. 
The chute boss called, "You've drawn chute five, get down and make it quick." 
Then as I eyed the beast below ... I suddenly felt sick.  
 
That brute it tried to climb the gate and bellowed cries of fear, 
While chute hands fought to organise the necessary gear. 
I felt the violent quiver of the hide between my chaps, 
The smell of sweat, the cry of men ... a change of mind perhaps? 
 
Too late I felt the rope pulled taut and shoved within my glove, 
I thought it's now or never mate and sent a prayer above. 
Then as I pulled my Colly down I yelled out, "Let him go!" 
The gate flew open ... it was on ... 'twas time to rodeo. 

With whites of eyes all full of hate that beast did twist and turn, 
'Twas obvious my frame aboard was something he did spurn. 
Eight seconds on this beast from hell seemed like eternity, 
For ev'ry muscle which I owned screamed out in agony. 

Between the jars and twists and turns I heard the crowd all cheer, 
Then at long last that blessed sound of hooter in my ear. 
The pick up man then pulled me clear and was I proud ... not half! 
I'll ne'er forget that day old mate I rode that poddy calf. 

 
 


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Where is the Bathroom?

I had to find a bathroom,
A reasonable request,
I was all alone
And my bladder was quite stressed.

So I asked a man nearby,
“Do you know where a bathroom is?”
He merely shook his head,
And went about his biz.

I continued walking,
And sure enough around,
A woman with her children
Could tell me where a bathroom’s found.

She said, “I have no idea,
I’m busy you can tell.”
She fussed to shush her baby,
Who had just begun to yell.

I continued on my quest,
Moving with rapid stride,
When I found a large restaurant,
Surely, there must be a bathroom inside!

I went up to the waiter,
I said, “I really have to pee.”
Slightly irritated,
I decided to forego all pleasantry.

He said, “Oh, ours isn’t working,
Someone clogged it the day before,
But there is one a few blocks down,
About three or four.”

And so I hurried along,
Quite desperate to find the joint,
My bladder was close to reaching
Its natural breaking point.

I reached a tiny gas station,
Where the clerk mumbled to me,
“We do have an outside bathroom,
But someone lost the key.”

I turned and stomped outside,
I wailed out vehemently,
“How hard is it to find a bathroom
In modern society?”

A gentleman heard my plight,
And said, “You know, there’s a store—“
I interrupted, “Never mind,
I don’t have to go anymore.”


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A Dragon's Dilemma

What bad luck it was to be born in this land. A countless number of knights have stood to take a stand. Yes, through the years, there have been very large hordes. They all come after me with their armour and swords. At least one guy living in that castle is a liar. It is not true that I abduct damsels and breathe fire. With my long green tail covered with scales, I have been the subject of some lousy fairy tales. There is not one solitary moment I can have for my own. Why don’t these chivalrous clowns just leave me alone? Personification of a dragon


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Who says romance is dead

Who says romance is dead?

What is this romance? Did it die as they often said?
No, I think not, I don’t think romance is dead.

He holds the car door open for me, but only to let me out.
He puts the keys in the lock for me, so none hears him shout.

He talks to me of all his wishes, but that's so he doesn’t have time for kisses.
He soothes my brow when I am stressed, but that’s so he can get a rest.

My tea he makes just how I like it, no milk or sugar and hot.
He says he does it that way; otherwise, I would like it - not.

He holds my hand to stop me wandering far far away,
Then he lets go as we cross the lanes on the busy dual carriage way. 

He introduces me as “The Missis”
This love of mine so full of kisses,

He kisses everyone he sees, to show that he is faithful
He doesn’t need to kiss me, unless he wants to be playful.

Romance isn’t dead, I can be assured
In his love for me he will not be deterred.

He loves me now still quite a lot,
But that may be because of the money I’ve got.


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Conversational Twists And Turns

Topics of conversation seem to change as we approach maturity.
As kids we talked of love - now it's lumbago and social security!
It once was enlightening to simply discuss the weather,
But now it's a litany of their ills when oldsters get together!

When a teen we bragged about that first voluptuous kiss.
Now all we can do is talk about such and lamentably reminisce!
Girls whispered amongst themselves and cast a furtive glance,
At the high school "hunk" pining for a torrid romance!

In our courting days, sweet talk we'd whisper in the other's ear.
Now it seems we must yell to be heard unlike in yesteryear!
As married folks we debated about money, bills and kids,
Exasperating table-pounding sessions where we'd flip our lids!

Seems that no matter where senior brethren congregate,
With each other their aches and pains they must enunciate,
Discussing the woes of arthritis, phlebitis and laryngitis,
Bronchitis, bursitis, gingivitis, dermatitis and gastritis!

I reckon I could simply say, "Gee, you're looking swell!"
Then perhaps upon these gloomy topics they might not dwell.
I enjoy repartee with folks about religion, politics and sports,
But talk of doom and gloom leaves me sorta outta sorts!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Thanksgiving Cards

Should it happen that someday they're seeking struggling bards,
To compose witty verse for Hallmark Thanksgiving cards,
I think that I should like to summarily submit,
The following mots for consideration, TO WIT:

(1) Savor the oyster dressing, giblet gravy and thigh,
The sweet pertaters, green bean casserole and punkin pie.
Hope you have a goodly supply of sodium bicarbonate,
To counter the wrenching effects of all that grub you ate!

(2) To Grandma's house, hordes of kith and kin will repair,
For a delectable repast (after Grandpa ends his interminable prayer!)
May naught but love and fellowship dwell amongst you there,
As His bountiful harvest each of you gratefully share!

(3) The Thanksgiving meal is over, men folk watch ball teams battle,
While the women folk sit about the table engaged in idle prattle.
Mom's thoughts are elsewhere on how to deal with left over turkey;
She's a genius at creating soups and potpies, even turkey jerky!

(4) A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.
Relish this time together and have a ball!
And may all with thankful hearts ever lift,
Praise to Him, the Giver of every good gift!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Gus

Many are the 'characters' I met while serving my nation.
Seems there's always one who stands out in every organization!
In Bermuda (where I fought the Korean War) was such a cuss.
He was my bunkmate and he went by the name of Gus!

Gus was the old man of the outfit, a staff sergeant as I recall.
He'd been up and down the ranks and boozing caused his fall!
Never to be promoted beyond 'staff'', he was happy with his lot.
Gus floated on cloud nine as long as he had his daily tot!

Near payday, funds depleted, out of booze, in a nervous funk,
He'd surreptitiously place this beseechng note upon my bunk:
"My boy, may I propose for your benevolent consideration,
A temporary loan for relief from my dire financial situation?"

Now, how could I deny his plea phrased in such flowing verse!
Besides, on payday, he'd promptly seek me out to reimburse!
On paydays, Gus and his pals were wont to go on a spree!
He'd relieve his bloated bladder nigh any convenient tree,

Proclaming, "Wherever you may be let your water flow free!"
(For some reason the local constables happened to disagree!)
Gus was a good man and I enjoyed our comradely association,
Despite his innate proclivity for intemperate intoxication!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Breathe

Seeing you all glistening wet
 from your nice, long hot shower, 
Makes things tight in my lower stomach
 and frustrated that you have that power.

One minute, I can be mad.
 The next second see you dripping wet.
You did this on purpose so I'd no longer
 be irritated and to make me forget.

Eye candy is what you are, 
 you know it works every time.
Seeing you all sexy and clean
 and knowing you are mine.

Unfair advantage is what you play.
 But I'm no longer mad at you.
It's the quickest way to calm me down, 
 and it's something you always knew.

Have no fear your time will come, 
 And turnabout is fair play.
I'll save my wrath for you
 and use it another day.

You look too sexy for me 
 to stay mad at you for long.
Lucky for you, a naked, sexy 
 wet man makes me less strong.


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Ignorant Time

                 
IGNORANT TIME I went up before a judge because it is a crime to be at all ignorant in this place and time. I was living evidence and the judge he saw this too so I awaited his decision as to what he planned to do. He said "This is my verdict" with a very solemn look "I hereby sentence you to a year of reading books" I said "Judge we've got a problem, though it's guilty that I plead in no way can I do the time because I cannot read." 'then it's back to school with you' he said 'and I don't care if you have to spend the rest of life in there.' I said 'Judge I will do anything that this court deems fit but it was in that very place I became illiterate!'


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Sign Of The End Of Time

I saw a feller today with a sign readin', 'WORLD ENDS TOMORROW!"
Lord! Have mercy! That's all I need - more troubles to borrow!
I called the preacher who knows all about celestial things,
But he had no such revelation (usually borne by angelic wings)!

But I'm a cautious feller who likes to plan things well in advance,
So ere my eternal bourne begins, I'd rather not take a chance!
With so few hours left I'll tie up some loose odds and ends,
And for my many past indiscretions, I'll try to make amends!

In my youth I smoked corn silk cigarettes behind the barn.
Many vile oaths have crossed my tongue beyond a casual 'darn'!
I sassed my Ma and more than once her sage advice ignored.
Do You reckon You could overlook my feckless youth, dear Lord?

I reckon 'tis a little late to see things finished that I've begun.
Life is so very fleet I fear I've left too many things undone.
But thanks to that feller's warnin' I'm ready to face my fate.
But, Lord, could the whole thing be postponed if it ain't too late?

This ominous event will settle my dilemma regarding predestination
But hold on!  From whence did that feller get his revelation?
Shucks!  I bet he's one of them false prophets the Bible talks about!
Fiddle faddle!  Tomorrow I'm gonna go fishin' to cast about for trout!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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MAMMA ANNA MADE THE BEST BABBA' AL RHUM

Mamma Anna made the best Babba' al Rhum,
you should have seen me how it made me slightly drunk;
and jumping and screaming I danced to the beats of a drum...
then grandma joined in and she sang a classical song!


And the sweet cream was on my lips and cheeks, 
the Babba' al Rhum was delicious and I topped it with chocolate;
everybody began shouting, "It came from Paris,
but we Neapolitans reinvented it by improving its shape and taste!"


Mamma Anna made the best Babba' al Rhum, soaking it in that liqueur much longer;
and Papa' always told me to eat more of it...saying with a suppressing laughter,
"It's a man's dessert, after you eat it, you'll be strong!"
Oh, did he really tell me the truth? No, he was wrong!


It's so very sad that they aren't here,
and I am eating pretzels and drink a beer,
the harmony that stirred their passion can't possibly return...
as they danced on the terrace to celebrate the day I was born!


Mamma Anna knew how to make the best Babba' al Rhum,
and I licked the dripping rum with my finger...not my tongue!
She spoke calmly...when she should have gotten mad and picked up a broom;
no, she was never mean and rude, or ever said to me, " Go to your room!"


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herKidster, Billy

OK PD let me explain to you how it is why you are only successful because of me 
regarding all your supporters and sudden notoriety.
There I was. There was P D. 
I'd been around awhile, but not my little PD.
I had and still do have many supporters who truly do support, love and care about me...
but I've given them all to my little poet destroyer P D.
I did this very methodically.
because I wanted to make a success out of my little poet destroyer PD.
It's tit for tat in this world of poetry, 
despite whatever else others have tried to convince upon me.
The more comments you leave, 
the more comments you receive.
and so one day I saw this very struggling beginner PD
who obviously 
craved attention and fame, 
because you see P D is very vane.
So I slammed PD bringing her some of the attention she so much craves, 
bringing much needed publicity and notoriety over P D's way.
All of my backers so to speak who never heard of PD
were all P D fans and supporters as well as of me.
Then I stopped commenting on all of the supporters of me, 
because I wanted to give them all to my little poet destroyer PD.
Because P D craves the spotlight, but not me.
I prefer to remain in the shadows actually.
and so you all can clearly see, 
PD is largely successful because of me. 
My little poet destroyer's forever herKidster, Billy.


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I'm In Love with a Man

Ok!...
I fell in love again
Yea! Yea! I know after the last love pain.
But this won’t go wrong, it’s… with … a man so it’s not the same
He loves me… I think…
He gave me a little wink

I was hooked from the first time I saw him
Ok… I know how it sounds and how it may seem
But when I stared into his eyes
I was weak and boy you should see his size

I bet he will make any woman quiver
I saw one woman, when she saw him, you would actually see her shiver
I know that this love is the one
Yes men out there, you ask, How can a man love another?
Instead of having me heart broken, in this case I would rather

Anyway this man, is special… he is the one
He ladies and gentleman is my new born son… ?



*Born 11 November 2010, Matthew Ethan Hall
How do I know he is mine? 
He is well hung with big…well he is a Hall after all* 


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Magical Tail

Princess is a Chihuahua
With a magical tail
It has secretly lured her
And has her under its spell

Now she wears a collar
Made of white plastic oh so fine
Now her tail walks behind her
And she has nearly lost her mind

She now has figured how 
To twist and turn  wow
She gets that magical lure
Poor tail how can it endure

Ah! A thought came to me
Turn the collar into a skirt
Now she can't her tail hurt
Cute Ballerina dog be


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Pretend Listeners

It's very frustrating, pretend listening
Their unfocused eyes, glazing and glistening
And despite their wide blank stare
They don't notice my eyes and menacing glare


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Halloween

Rustling leaves
Skeletal trees
Shrieking wind
Pumpkins grin
Streetlamps wink
Shadows slink
Cobblestones
Creepy moans
Shady porch
Creaking door
Darkened hall
Crumbling walls
Sudden blur
Something stirs
Stranger appears
Gripping fear
Looks at me
Try to flee
Opens mouth
Trick or treat...


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To The Men Of Poetry Soup

Oh I would give Christopher Higgins a peck..
as I read the words penned by John Heck..
and there just would not be such a spark without
the writes of Michael Degenhardt...

just like it would be a sin, not to feel the words
of Mohammad Yamin...
John Loving, Sean Kelly and Des Juan
the writes of these makes a duckling feel like a swan...

now it seems as if this one is too important
to pass up the likes of Michael Jordan..
and always one to write with good sense
I can't forget my man whose name is Vince...
  
now it would seem such a shame, to forget
my friend John Rhinem's whole name...

also it just makes no sense to forget the
writes of Joseph Spence..

and how could you not understand
that Brian Strand is the man...

let's not play games not one to poke
don't forget the talents of Mr. James Foulk...

and for that matter how could I forget
my friend Daver..

oh and yes let's close the curtain
but let's not forget the writes of Derrick burton...

these men can truly make the words cry
if you think I'm lying be my abili..

with this list I can always continue
so much great talent on this soup's menu..

if I've left anyone out, I apologize
it's not a smite, and not a guise..
these are a very talented group
that represent on poetry soup.

P.S. THIS IS DEDICATED TO ALL THE MEN 
OF POETRY SOUP


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Mother May I

Mother may I 
Go out and play
My child
Have you cleaned your room today

Are your toys packed away
in your toy chest with care
Yes mother yes 
its all in there

Did you make your bed 
like i showed you how
yes mother yes
may I go now

Yes son yes
after a brief inspection
son shakes his head
not what I was expecting

Never-mind mother
I'm going to my room
oh by the way
can you hand me the broom?


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Don't Read This

You’re not allowed to read this poem!
Unless your name is Jeroboam.
So stop right now before you start,
A mindless poem with no heart.
No need to let your eyes a’ wander,
You must have tons of time to squander --
Looking at this awful mess,
Of verbal anecdotal-ness.
You just don’t listen to my haste!
Instead your hard-earned time you’ll waste.
I warn you, it will now soon end…
It’s just around this sentences’ bend --
   So just 
        to mess
                   with
                         you
                             I’ll 
                                write,
A falling sentence,  leaning right;
You’ve reached the end I hope you know,
There’s nothing more for me to show…
If you’re still here, there’s no more rhyme --
Cause this is now the final line.


Details | Rhyme | |

Oggwool Fleece

In England’s pleasant pastures amid the free wild flowers
Lie pagan ways the wise ones do not mock
And one adept at harnessing these ancient rural powers
Was Oggwool Fleece, the black sheep of the flock

Oggwool was old, much older than the old oak it was said
Beneath whose boughs the dark sheep’s plans are sealed
‘Twas said the sheep had come back from the other side of dead
With the darkness in that corner of the field.

The farm hands better knew to venture in the oak’s strange shade
Or to the long grass that the darkness gripped
Where Oggwool lurked amid the spells and potions he had made
A sheep unshorn and magically undipped.

Not limited by four hooves in working his deft skill
Unhindered in ambitious sheepish plans
Harnessing the dark elves to do his dark sheep will 
Dexterously with little dark elf hands.

From that darkened corner of that English country field
His influence extends itself outside
His arcane woolly web through which his mystic powers wield
Reaching parts and persons spread worldwide

He has extensive vineyards in Italy and Spain,
He has mining operations in Peru
He owns a flock of ostriches down in the Ukraine
(Although he never quite intended to)

He’s engineering world events on scales beyond the ken
He has his hooves in business of all kinds
He interferes remorselessly in world affairs of men
With night-time thoughts drip-fed to human minds

Little green men fly through space in saucers flat and round
On interstellar missions without cease
But on their furthest journey yet, their enterprise is bound
To the ever growing plans of Oggwool Fleece

The politicians spin their words and armies shoulder arms
And yet do not beyond their small acts see
But Oggwool Fleece with thistle skills and other sheepwise charms
Is planning how to rule a galaxy!


Details | Rhyme | |

herKidster, Billy Breaks Up With PD

herKidster, Billy is breaking up with PD.
Things were going very well until PD
made it clear to herKidster that PD is a she.
Now PD has an unfair advantage on me.
If I get too rough PD crys like a big cry baby,
"That was over the line Kidster. You really hurt me,"
then theKidster falls apart feeling very guilty.
I would never hurt a woman intentionally.
Well, it's been fun my little poet destroyer PD.
You should have never revealed that you were a woman to me,
but we can always continue to be friends, there's just one down side you see,
now all of your followers that I gave to you are all gonna flock back to me.
Now PD's gonna lose all of PD's popularity.
Goodbye my little poet destroyer PD.
Forever yourKidster, Wild Billy


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The Christmas Song -Of Woe-

Overdue bills burning on an open fire
Debt collectors knocking at the door
Yuletide woes being sung by my husband
And I.R.S. sending letters to ignore

Everyone knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Would help to make the season bright
But we'll be eatin' beans,    'cause my pocketbook is clean
Oh!   We're out of Tums.......the house could blow tonight !!!

They say that Santa's on his way
But our petty cash won't jingle much today
So this mother hen is going to sit and cry
Because this hungry gal won't have an egg to fry!

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase....
To folks in Washington D. C. .........
Although the recession....has put us in depression...
Find devices,  to lower prices !!!.......
AND FIX THIS CRISIS!...........Would you pleeeeeeeease???
_____________________________________________________________________________

Just kidding....!!:)  In case the I.R.S. reads this!!

Original song:  "The Christmas Song" ..written by Mel Torme'....1944


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Imagine All Over Toilet Paper

To all you varmints
Who like to squeeze the Charmin's
I went to the grocery store one day 
And someone had the Charmin's squeezing away
I said hey what are you doing that for
Like come on right in the store
She looked at me like i was spun
Like it was something i had ever done
So i gave a little squeeze to see how she liked it 
Another women saw me and started having a fit
Hey she said don't do that 
So your the culprit that makes the rolls flat 
Well i was stunned so i said real fast
No she did it first i did it last
I was just trying to teach her a lesson you see
Squeezing the Charmin's that was the first time for me
Well now i had done it i was caught in the act
And i don't squeeze the Charmin's and that's a fact
She twisted my words upside down
Made me look like a total clown
There i was in the middle of a war 
Right in the middle of the grocery store 
The moral to the story is don't squeeze the Charmin's
Their is a lot of people looking for those varmints


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Sheep's Lament

It's nature's way that in the spring 
Emotions make a lamb's soul sing 
And so it was my young heart found 
That love is not by species bound 

Well cruelly spent, did cupid's dart 
Pierce deep my foolish woolly heart 
A wiser sheep would fain desert 
Such love unwise and bound to hurt. 

Nor was it then that common sense 
Came forth to give me sound defence 
No matter how well meant and groomed 
My ardent love was clearly doomed. 

For fate is fickle, fate unkind 
Fate unhinged my young sheep's mind 
Though strong inside my true love burns 
It never wins my love's returns 

So ardent burn my ovine fires 
Kindling noble deep desires 
But I know what e'er I do 
That four legs never yet won two 

She lives a life I cannot know 
And goes to places sheep don't go 
I patient wait and hope she'll pass 
But know she'll never share my grass. 

I know it's doomed, I know I've lost 
My passion most unkindly crossed 
For even if she knew my heart 
I know our lives must stay apart. 

But maybe she might scratch my nose 
My love troth's a half-eaten rose 
With that held in her lovely hand, 
To think on, she might understand.


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poo upon

I feed the seagulls in the morning sitting on a bench
When my sister looked at me and said in quite content
Miriam don’t feed those seagulls there’ll poo on your head
I ignored her and instead…. 

They pooed on her head
She wasn’t amused at all
She didn’t even snarl

Now every time we see her we say in good tent
 Have you been pooed upon lately
Not even on your head 


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Speak Up

Either from constricted throat or hesitated poise, I find that creepy silence a deafening noise! Like bees it buzzes in the core of my frazzled mind Speak up, my dear, if you can be so kind! See, like a red red rose withering to gray, I find myself fading day after day Left out to wonder what your mind may do, I blush like a virgin nun, but tingle blue If eyes only had a big, fat mouth We’d be married with children and a fine, nice house But love, eyes can only do so much! If I feel mine water, I will hide it with a punch! For cat’s sake—snap out of this frustrating state! Look alive, help us both feel great! I promise if I wither like that tearful rose I will spray you with my not-so-silent hose!


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Foul Mouth Parrot

I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.

(This is a fictional poem)


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Drunk Or Blind: She Sure Looks Purdy

Riden' hard; saddle sores on my butt;
I found a little town by the name of Rotgut.

Bustin' in the salloon, thirsty to the core;
Needn' a poke, thought I might find a whore.

I ordered a whiskey and it 'bout made me gag.
The only whore, was a ugly ole hag.

She asked if I wasa wantn' to bed her down:
So I braced myself, and ordered another round.

It was torture tryin' to drink enough to make her look purdy,
but after two bottles, I thought I was ready.

Just about the time I took her by the hand;
through the swingin' doors walked a hell of a man.

Before I knew it, he done socked me in the jaw.
Come to find out, she was his long lost Ma.

He beat me till both of my eyes swelled shut.
If he'd done it sooner.... I wouldn't had to drink so much rotgut!



July 18, 2014
Contest: A town called "Rotgut"
Sponsor: Jerry T. Curtis


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Drowning the Ego

I’ve been writing for some time, and I’ve put these words to rhyme,
in some verses either humerous or true.
Now I think that time has come, to get ‘meself’ up of my bum
and tell the world about my point of view.

I stood outside the hotel door, my chanting stole the floor
by reading poems to people on the street  
and some would stop and chat, some threw money in my hat
one fellow said, “that poem’s a marvelous treat”.

So I asked this kindly gent, just exactly what he meant 
and his next comment made me proud and spurred
He took five dollars out, and then said “Without a doubt,  
That was the greatest poem I’ve ever heard”.

Well I hope he couldn’t tell, that my head began to swell
from his comments he had handed on a plate.  
And when he turned away to walk, I said “Hang on, I want to talk
To you about what makes my verse so great”.

But before he spoke a word, I already had concurred
He must have loved the meter and the flow
He said he couldn’t doubt it, as I rambled on about it,
But in reality, he said he didn’t know.

Well could it be the timing, or just the perfect rhyming
with structured syllables all in a row
Did my story take it’s toll, by embedding in his soul 
With a blank stare on his face, he said no.

Well he had me at a loss, I just couldn’t find the gloss
In this critical acclaim he had concurred
So I asked him what is great, and he replied, “Well mate
That is the only poem I’ve ever heard”.   


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Snake's Legs

When snakes had legs and love was free,
A man called Adam climbed a tree.
Although he knew the act was banned,
He plucked an apple with his hand.

In Eden you could always find,
Delicious fruits of every kind.
And everyone of them were free,
Except the apples on this tree.

A snake you see, the curse of man,
Had swayed the mind of his woman.
His partner Eve had tried it all,
Except this luscious juicy ball.

But God had made it very clear,
He was the one you had to fear.
There is one thing you should not do,
”This tree is mine, and not for you!”

When battle rages in man’s mind,
To do what’s right for all mankind.
A woman’s will, will then prevail,
No matter if it makes him fail.

So Adam plundered to his fate,
His woman said she could not wait.
He plucked the fruit to his demise,
No matter that it was unwise.

Now God’s authority was broke,
They’d disobeyed the words he spoke.
He told them both to go away,
And closed his garden from that day.

So Eve and Adam, duly clothed,
Now left that place they’d been betrothed.
And found a world so large and free,
Where they could climb just any tree.

The snake of course had lost it’s legs,
Because he put God’s power to test.
By tempting woman in this way,
He’d had an awful price to pay.

But God it was, who came off worse,
His power was gone, and even worse.
A ‘woman’ had defeated him,
By making man commit this sin.

So women now will rule the land,
Not God, or men you understand?
For women conquer all they see.
While God enjoys ‘snakes legs’ for tea!


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Much Needed Free Publicity, alas, once again for P D.

You may have CRUSHED me P D
but there's no rule that says I can't be 
a major pest who will annoy you relentlessly.
I go where inspiration leads me 
and P D
you have been a great source of inspiration for me
lately.
Now, am I commenting to myself, to one of my other personalities
or am I commenting to P D
aka P D He/P D She?
Are any of you out there as confused as me?
Am I BILLYtheKidster, the Poet Destroyer or aka P D?
Or Am I All 3?
Or am I BillytheKidster only me,
and Poet Destroyer aka P D
is a seperate living individual seperate from me.
Mystery.


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Grandma's House




Where do you go,
When you can’t eat candy?
Where every kid goes,
Because it’s so handy.
It is not very far,
Plus the door is always open.
With a full cookie jar,
At least I am a hopin’.
Here the food is always free,
Nor do you have to be quiet as a mouse.
It is not a fort in a tree,
Indeed--it is Grandma's house!!  



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Poor Little Orphan Kids, With No Moms Or Fads

I like the thought of evolution
That a fish could outsmart god
Show him something new and bold
Like a human is something odd

I guess that’s just how people are
We think we’re all so special
7 billion people, all unique
Well I hate to be your buzz kill

But anarchist are just conformist
With a little dash of black
And an individual is just another punk
Who says rap is dead and the 60’s are back

An emo kid’s just a prep
Who balks at social adaptation
And a gothic kid is just a meat head jock
With less hand-eye coordination

So you’ll all pick: Fad or Fad
And you’ll all be some kind of elitist
Remember however, no one is truly unique
…well…except for all us artists  


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Me And My Shadow

I'm curious about my shadow
in the sun it follows me around,
but if I move into the shade
my shadow's nowhere to be found.

Did light create something dark
or is this a part of me,
maybe it's just my negative
something I don't often see.

I suppose it could be my dark side
being separated by the sun,
in the sunshine I do feel much happier
and I do tend to have more fun.

It follows my every movement
just can't make a move alone,
but if I stand still long enough
my shadow will move on it's own.


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In Ya Face, Part 1

OK, it's about that time.
It's time for me to annoy P D in rhyme.
Now what can I annoy Pd about this time?
P D broke this heart of mine.
P D made a fool out of me.
Sweet Lovable lunatic theKidster, Billy.
P D convinced me that I truly hurt P D
so I wrote P D a message of sincere apology.
and now Pd's posting (pasting) it everywhere for everyone to read and see.
P D's going all out to not crush, but crucify me.
P D's going to show all in the world to read and see...
that theKidster, aka Billy 
is really just a big sometimes over sensitive big pussy.
Go on PD. Defecate on me. The whole world ddefecates on me my little poet destroyer PD. 
Your tiny little turd won't make a difference to me.

Continued in Part 2
http://www.poetrysoup.com/poems_poets/poem_detail.aspx?ID=223751


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Mister God

I knelt by my bed in the morning 
And said, “Please Mister God
I want to be pleasing to You today
But though I try so hard
I sure seem to loose my way.”

“Don’t you worry, little lady”
Into my ear whispered He
Take a walk down the street with Me 
I’ll show you some things
I do as I am Me.”

We walked down the road
The signal was red
A man on a mobike sped with no helmet on his head
Wife and children gleefully clinging to the seat behind
“Where are they rushing, in a manner so blind?
Either they’ll be in heaven or send one up of their kind!”

“Ah, that’s not all,” He said
 “Look now, what do you see?”
“Oh my God! How can this be?” 
A boy jumped from a bus that was running 
Nonchalantly into cars that in chaos were crossing
“Dear God, on the side walk in one piece can he still be?”  

My list grew longer 
And my amazement larger
“Dear God!” said I, “We do things we really shouldn't be
How come there are still so many of us walking the streets on our two feet?
For by now there surely should be more crowd
For St. Peter to regulate through the yonder clouds.”

“Child, because you are you, 
You run and break the rules.
Because I am Me, I watch over thee
When you turn around and say you’re sorry
I balm your bruises and prop you on my knee
Because child, I am Me.”

“Lord, you’ve got one tough job
Guarding the faithful, the faithless, one and all.”
“You too are on my list, my little child
As is each one I made, I am always by your side
To the Pearly Gates you must come one day, one and all
But that will only be on My call
Till then not even a sparrow will fall.”


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With Apologies To Wordsworth.

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high as day begun,
Until I see a happy crowd,
YES !! then I'll go and block the Sun .
I'll threaten mist , but dump some showers.
First a gentle fall , then heavy spills.
I'll seek-out Willie Wordsworth's flowers
And rain upon his daffodils .


P.S.   Lighten-up folks...... not to be taken seriously...........


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Early Fashion



When Adam first became aware
That his privacy was in question,
He asked his only fashion expert…
A fig leaf was her first suggestion


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Jumbleful Spring

Oh wonderful jumbleful spring 
hormones awakening after winter naps
making bumbling idiots
out of unsuspecting saps

Oh dopey me, I bathed
perfumed, powdered and dusted
picked out slinky sexy things
getting more and more flust’ed

I skipped down the lights
and locked the stairs
let down the dogs and
tripped over my hair

“Dames Javid” I purred
“come sugar me some lip”
as I swiveled my eyelashes
and batted my hip

He tongued on his trip,
as he blew in my eye
then gazed in my ear
and heaved a big sigh

Ah, Springtime, it’s jumbleful
don’t you agree?
Cause pobody’s nerfect,
especially me.


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Three Hundred And Fifty Horses

There was a man who had a horse
Means of friendship and transportation of course
Everywhere the man did go horse was there for show
This horse began old to grow

To the used car lot the man did go
Selecting a car with many horses you know
Not knowing it was a lemon he bought
Now on the car he constantly sought

Parts to replace what would not go and
On one side the man would stand
Peering into the broken car with plan
On a stump on the other side

The horse would stand trying to guide
His friend on where the problem did lie
Also he was studying the working parts
Trying to figure out how all those horses fit inside


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At the End of the Day

There's nothing like it after a hard day's work
To ge stuck in traffic behind some jerk
He smiles in his mirror like he's having fun
So I show him my finger because he's number one

Now rush hour moves at such a horrible pace
By the time I get home there's a beard on my face
If this isn't enough to make you hot
I arrive at home and can't find a parking spot

So I park up the street and pick up a nail
If swearing was a crime, I'd be in jail
Then I walk down the street which was freshly tarred
Our neighbor's dog did his duty in our back yard

I finish my dinner and sit down for the night
To watch TV and listen to the kids fight
I look at the ceiling and softly say
A prayer of thanksgiving at the end of the day.


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man i just wanna go back in time

man i wanna go back in time 
when everything was so good
i know alot of you would'nt mind
and would go back youself if you could

... i'll tell you the times i really crave
before crack, irac and aids
man i think that we had it made 
laid back under the shade drinking lemon aid

sitting on the back porch playing spades 
while listening to the 33s and 45s being played
when little girls use to play hopsoctt
and the boys shot marbles or the bad ones threw rocks

back before all these ipad and cell phones 
when families enjoyed playing momoply at home
back before rap and hip hop
at least then we was'nt harrash as much by the cops

back when the world was'nt cosume by wealth 
and more concerned with good health
back before the world became filled with greed
and people only took as much as they need

back when we valued the old folks traditions
when we were allowed to share our religion
way back, way back when everything was fine
man i just wanna go back in time


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Text and Facebook Speak

I received a joke text yesterday, on to it was attached
L.M.A.O. and my head I sat and scratched
I thought why do you Like My Aunties Osteopath
I was just about to find what would raise my wrath

Then another on said L.O.L I am confused I must confess
I could not understand why you Love Oldies Less
Then Facebook I was browsing and there upon the screen
More letters of obscurity that would make me less serene

The letters T.T.F.N.  my mind began to derail
Why would anyone be interested that you Trapped The Finger Nail
Then I noticed C.B.A. and by it I was floored
Could this be what I’m waiting for a Cadbury Bar Award

So I no understandy text or Facebook speak
So I write the verse in a state of heightened pique
Leave me an old codger a message I can read
Though I think it is beyond you, because it’s done for speed

So now I have a message, for the young who have bought out
This very shortened writing version, that makes me scream and shout
Write It Simply Easy for those of us so old
Remember W.I.S.E. comes with age which soon you will behold


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Never Say Die



Watching a movie ('Walking Tall')
I spied a cockroach on my wall,
crawling in and out of sight,
the proud homeowner's sorry plight.
Now I see him, now I don't,
a creepy feeling, and I won't
feel better till he's dead and gone,
deeming it a job well done.

The kitchen was my battleground,
I chased the bugger round and round,
('persistent' was the name I christened
my thick-skinned antagonist),
for dodging footfalls he'd survived
the era of the dinosaurs,
avoiding conflict he'd outlived
the perils of unnumbered wars.

Tired, and soaked with perspiration,
craving his elimination,
I, with magazine extended
dealt a blow, his life was ended.
Or was it? Wriggling in his death throes,
wiggling several sets of black toes,
on his back he scarce could right
himself to carry on the fight.

Yet more he fiddled, then was still,
an adversary with a will,
he lay quiescent on the rug,
that bold, defiant little bug.
I left him shaken, (his demise 
beyond salvation?), then my eyes
beheld no insect, just a stain,
for he'd crept off to scare again!


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Match made in Heaven

I stand naked by the mirror
Looking at myself
I look like ummm
Something off a dusty shelf

My ribs stick out
You could play them like a harp
And my eyes bulge out my head
Like a half squeezed Chihuahua pup

My legs they call them lucky
They like two fighting swords
I have the knack of amusing people
With them I even won awards

Now my wife is a total contrast
She’s short, fat and round
It takes me three hours to spread the fake tan
But she still comes out unevenly browned

Just the other day I thought 
She threw the duvet over me
But when I opened one eye
I saw it was a crusty bikini

I love to watch her dressing
It makes me shake at the knees
I feel like grabbing a handful of ripples
And give them a gentle squeeze 

Driving the car is a challenge 
Her ripples stop me changing the gear
And when we walk down the street
We look like a shield with a skinny spear

But to her I’m her half finished pepperoni
To me she’s my fluffy bread bun
We always do things together
I’m telling you, we have so much fun

And now I would like to announce
The arrival of baby number seven
We may seem like the oddest couple
But it’s a match made in heaven.


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The Questioner

The moon fills from the top
Each day gets lighter, growing
How it hold the light and it not run out
The bottom just pouring

Seeing the moon in day
Up in the clear sky blue
Makes mind search for way to express
Ones' questions about you

Momma always said that
I could ask more questions
Than Philadelphia lawyer
Her.....abstentions


(My mother always said that I asked too many questions ...Very inquistive child was I....Still 
wonder.....The word abstentions means ...no do.)


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Ms. Purple (for my niece, Johnette Loefgren)

Now ain't I just the cutest purple spider
You have ever seen
And don't you just LLOOOVEEE
My web of iridescent green

I made it  today for a special group
You, and your friends from PoetrySoup
So, bring the gang on over to the Poetry Cafe
Just come as you are,you all know the way

There's never a cover charge
And the dance band is free
Of course, I wouldn't mind
If you brought a lil treat for me

A tasty fly to nibble on
Would suit me just fine
But remember, I have to be in bed
A little after nine

With twenty three little ones
To care for all alone
By nine I'm really tired
And weary to the bone

But, you and the gang
Are welcome to stay
And party hearty
'Til the break of day

Just lock the doors on your way out
And leave a tip for the band
It was nice to see you all
So come back as soon as you can



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The Week Before Xmas

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way,
Oh what fun it is to pay that credit card today.
Lots of stuff, mostly junk, keeps us in the red,
Need to keep a little back, just to keep us fed.
.
Dashing through the store, pushing left and right,
Looking for the sales.. Couldn’t sleep last night.
Country’s in a mess, shouldn’t spend this way,
Just found out I kept my job, for at least another day.

Jingle bells, Jingle Bell, Jingle all the way,
Holy Cow, I can’t wait, until the month of May.



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What Do You Expect

My mind is blank
So what's new
I listen 
And my ears leak too.
It seems my mouth
Is all that works
And what comes out
Makes me a jerk.


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THE POT FARMER


I got out my pipe and stuffed it with pot, 
You better believe, it held a whole lot.
I whipped out a lighter and thumbed up a flame,
Then sucked down that smoke which comforts my brain.

I tried alcohol; and smoked cigarettes,
Though, they did nothing, but give me regrets.
My mom had arthritis and couldn't walk around. 
When I rolled her a joint, she danced on the ground.

I thought I was losing my lovemaking knack, 
But, after I smoked some, to me it came back.
Soon I decided prices were too high,
So I searched for some ground I wouldn't have to buy.

I bargained for seeds from smokers all around, 
Then, got in my truck and drove out of town.
I walked through the woods where the wild birds nest, 
And found me the meadow I thought was the best.

I dug up the ground and sowed all my seeds;
Then said a small prayer for strong, healthy weeds.
I watered at night with a five-gallon pail;
The mosquitoes went hungry for I wore a veil.

Eight months went by; I thought I would die, 
'Till the Halloween moon was high in the sky. 
One night I went out, in my camouflage suit, 
And used a corn knife to chop down the loot.

I hung it up to dry where it couldn't be found.
Then came back and got it, when it had turned brown. 
I trimmed off the buds, and stuffed them in bags,
Called all my friends and passed out free drags.

In less then a week, my crop was gone!
But, I flew to St. Thomas with love-hungry blond.

 


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When First We Met

When first I set eyes
On that long brown hair and thoose slender thighs.
Darlin I have to admit.
It did more than make my blood pressure rise.

I said hey baby can I buy you a drink.
you ordered a bottle of jack.
Killed it in two swallows seems I've 
met my match i do think.

Some jelouse guy made the mistake 
of callin you a whore.
Befor i could do a thing.
You sprang into action and  introduced his face 
to the floor.

We left that place was a night i could not forget.
Still got that tattoo and permanet scar 
 when first we met.

It was like something outta a perverse 
fable.
I finally found a woman who could drink
me under the table.

You she kissed my lips and blacked my eye.
Said your a total scumbag  jerk.
And just my kinda guy.

Everyone said it wont last a week  you
wanna bet?
For it's been ten years  and many felonies
since when first we met.


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Flo

Gotta problem and nowhere to go.
Take a trip across the tracks and see old 
Flo.

She's not pretty and the only thing small 
about her is her feet.
But she's the best friend to every man she does meet.

If Mable aint able.
And your to drunk to get out from under 
the table. 

The hotel isnt a option when ya dont got
no money to blow.
Just knock three times and say hello to Flo.

Treat her good and treat her right.
And ya know Flo just might let ya 
spend the night.

Just drink up and take two asprin for 
your head.
Cause you know at Flo's theres only 
one bed.

In the morning  you best hit the road 
befor it turns bright.
Cause with a big woman who hasnt eat 
she just might bite.

And as you appear  beaten your friends must surely ask what some
already know.
That your in for a ruff night when ya spend it 
with Flo.


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BESIDES LOVE MEN NEED FISHING

Besides love men need fishing, 
And for both, most are wishing, 
Catching trophies chosen best,
To be envied by the rest.

Fishing is a game of sport 
Loved by all, both tall and short.
We must fool the fish’s eye, 
If we plan to stir and fry,

Some use boats while others wade, 
As they fish the sun or shade. 
Ice-cold drinks help pass the day, 
While life’s troubles fade away.

Most men feel they've everything, 
With their rod, hook, cork and string.
Be it river, pond or lake, 
We all pray our line won't break.


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My Word

If I were a word, 
Then 'peent' it would be.
It's something unique,
Just exactly like me.
With mystery and flow,
Like a forest hid stream,
Like memories unrealized;
Some faraway dream.
Any sentence could fit me,
I'd make stories complete,
My meaning’d be endless,
My harmony sweet.
Yes, if I could pick one word,
That fits only me,
There's only just one word,
And 'peent' it would be.


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Viagra

I got up at six this morning
Feeling kind of weak
I had a shave and showered
As I walked my bones would creak

I have very bad arthritis
But I can kill the pain
I just have to take Viagra
Then go back to bed again

My girl is exasperated
Found out six months ago
A Viagra in the morning
Will keep me on the go

I cuddled next to her
":Lets dance they're playing our song"
Sleepy eyed she lay there
Snoring all along

Next morning I woke up
A note said she was gone
"Next time you hear your music
You must dance it all alone"


Details | Rhyme | |

hmmm

put that away, no toys today
a personal touch is on the way.
love me not, for i have got
something to make you feel so hot.
a bolt from the blue, something new: 
electric energy direct to you.


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Sick Thoughts

I wondered if owls became depressed
And if they ever cry
Then instead of saying who
They just wondered why

If a man pulls pickles from a jar 
At his place of work
Does he become a pickle plucker
Or a gherkin jerk

My marriage lasted forty years
It's been a lot of fun
The reason I'm still living is
My wife don't own a gun

When she calls me honey dew
I really get suspicious
Because it's honey dew the ironing
Or honey dew the dishes

When something needs fixing at my house
I do it right away
Why put off until tomorrow
What you can screw up today

Thanks to genetic research
The future's bright it shows
You'll be able to choose your children's ears
And even pick their nose.


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Surprise Accomplishment

Please leave a message after the tone…

Hey babe, I did what you told me to do, 
I did what they say I couldn’t
I did it!
And I wouldn’t take no for an answer from myself.

Breathing faster,
I put my pride and insecurities on the top shelf.
You would have been so proud.

With each keyboard stoke
 I moved closer to what had eluded me
For all those years.

And they understood me,
Do you know how good that feels?
I know this message is going to seem pretty long today.
But “Michael”, “Laura”, and “Amy”, really liked what I had to say.

It’s pretty late; I think I’ll lay down for a bit,
So when you get this call me…
I love you bye!


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Do I or Don't I

Give me something smart to say
Or maybe something dumb
What should I do, Should I stay?
Or should I go, ho hum?

Nothing seems to come together
Nothing seems to flow
Should I brush my teeth right now?
Or watch the Oprah show?

Why are some days really nutty
And others just plain boring
Today I'm going to flip a coin
If it's tail, I'm going bowling.


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That Was Fun

Never been the nice guy.
If someone said I'll pay ya to be good.
Hell I know there wouldnt be any use to try.

The party is something I know well.
Music blasting  drinks pouring.
Said ya got a secret well get closer darlin and do tell.

Your husbans coming home well darlin.
I gotta run.
Im allergic to bullets but sugar its been fun.

We all have troubles.
Some preffer to the confessional.
Me I'd rather drown my sorrows with a stripper called bubbles.

Broken knuckles  and  half empty bottle of rum.
Maybe playing  tree tag  at  midnight  wasnt very smart.
Hey is normal for your  legs to go numb?

Nights spent in plessure  mornings  waking  hungover apon 
the floor.
Trying to recall the night of your life.
And wondering why parts of your anatomy are sore.

No cent left in pocket  sipping cocktails 
beside the ocean underneath that summer sun.
Might lead to a early grave.
But befor that final breath  I'll and say dam that was fun.


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What is Poetry But Text...

Sensitive ears of nature I have 
found.
Poetry is not the sight of words 
but the sound.

Spoken,sung or played on a guitar...
Human, machine,instrument or nature.
Any of these are cool as long
as they're written down.

A flute playing, a bird singing ,
a car engine starting. 
Someone whipping , chopping,
cooking in the kitchen.

Hear it first, then write it down.
For what is poetry but the text 
of 
the sound that you've found?


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My wife is an alien

(This is a fictional poem)

My wife is an alien and this morning she laid an egg.
She may be green but she has a great pair of legs.
She has two large antennas that are on her head.
She's smarter than Einstein but she's lousy in bed.
The egg will hatch next month and when it does, we'll have a little tyke.
It will be half human and half alien, I'm scared of what it will look like.
My wife is ugly and people usually scream after they've seen her.
We just got in a big fight over finances and she bit off my wiener.
We were deeply in love but now she's my foe.
If an alien proposes to you, you'd better say no.


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I've Lost My Mind

Have you seen it
I must have set it somewhere
Maybe it seeped outta my ears
And it's drizzled all around

Don't use it
You'll torture yourself
It's all stressed out
Oh yea, it has some filth


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Nonsense

When are you going to grow up
She asked me one day
Never I said
If I have my way
She said you act like a fool
Don't you take anything serious
Sometimes I do
But right now I'm delirious
She said I'm going to see my brother
I don't know how late I will be
I said if you're back before August
It'll be all right with me
She moaned you're out of shape 
You're getting too fat
I said round is a shape
And I like it like that
Hey, I'm glad you made coffee
How long did it brew
I guess I shouldn't complain
Someday I'll be old and weak too
Dear, how come when we agree 
We never fight
And when we disagree
You're always right
She said you never listen to me anymore
You don't hear a word I say
I asked what did you say, I wasn't paying attention
Then I got up and walked away
I said what's with the frying pan
Why is your face so red
She said I want to see what it sounds like 
When it comes in contact with your head
Now this poem is pure nonsense
So don't believe a word I say
I Just watched the presidential debates
So I wrote something goofy today


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Runners "Low"

Tying my shoes ($$) for my morning run,
I think about quitting, I wish it were done.

Perhaps if I run at least a mile each way,
I won’t have to cry at what the scales say.

My breath comes in gasps, I look a freight,
The people I pass must laugh at my plight.

I would love to feel the wind in my face,
To do that though, I’d have to pick up the pace.

A few strides taken, my back starts to ache,
My joints are stiff, damn, give me a break.

Where is the euphoria I’m supposed to feel?
The “runners high” they say is part of the deal.

It never gets easier, a form of torture each time…
But hearing “way to go grandma!” is really sublime.


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Words

                                       All these words inside my head
                                           drive me crazy while in bed.
                                       They will dance inside my brain
                                         and fall down like pouring rain

                                             When I try to dress for work
                                          down the hallway they will lurk.
                                           When I leave and drive my car
                                          on every signpost there they are.

                                            What this soul now has to do
                                         is write down these words for you.
                                         Taking pen and pad in hand I'll
                                            write down what they demand.

                                          When it's over and all done and
                                          these words have had there fun.
                                            They will leave me then to rest
                                                              untill,,,,,,,,
                                                        one day.........................
                                                       you know the rest,,,,,,,,,......
                                                ........................................................


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Be Still


   



Just be still 
             

            be 


still my beating heart

      
my beating heart

        
don't beat so loud

          
so the sound does

             
not depart

                   please
         
 don't give me away

                 
it has to 

             be my secret    
                    
                     you

       can not give me away

        please be quiet,  just keep it
                         
                           still
              
for some of us don't feel
         
 just be still 

even though my heart
         
is real just be still







































































































































































































































































































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Tamiviolet Is This Really You?

Tamiviolet, Tamiviolet
I must say my dear
I read your poem 'Oh,Yes' today.
I thought I can't believe it
How did poetrysoup slip up
To allow someone to put
A poem like yours, on their Internet
I am a widow 
And your words truly did shock me
But when you involved your own daughter
I just about lost it, yes sir ree
I hadn't picked up on this side of you
In the poems of yours I'd read
And here on world wide internet
You bragged about the part your daughter played
Now I feel it is up to me,
To inform the whole world today
Tamiviolet as of right now,
You have just been tagged.

                            Cile Beer


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Not Guilty

I swear it was his fault Your Honor
So put him in his place
He was trying to break my knuckles
By hitting them with his face

Of course I wouldn't hurt him
I would not commit no crimes
You see, he kept falling on my knife
Yes, Your Honor, forty seven times

No I didn't rob the post office
They're just trying to ruin my day
I don't have cash to pay my fine
Will postage stamps be okay

He's lying again, Your Honor
Trying to throw my life into despair
Even though my prints were on his throat
I wasn't even there

     This poem is dedicated to the liberal morons this country has appointed to the 
courts. The sad part is, the parties in these fictional statements would probably 
be found Not Guilty by today's judicial standards. A salute to the vigilantes out 
there who actually protect the victim.


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This is Love

If I had a cookie
I’d be completely convinced
that God really loved me
in His eternal benevolence

if He granted me a cookie
I would drown it in milk
suck off all the good stuff
that goes down like pure silk

though chocolate is best
I’d take what I could find
just sate this wild craving
before I lose my bloody mind

I’ve searched high and low 
in every cabinet and nook
every hidyhole I’d forgotten
don’t know where else I can look

Alas, there is no cookie
how can life be so cruel,
but if I had a cookie,
I’d share it with you.


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A Pirates Life for Me

I want to be a captain
From the old salty sea
I want to steal booty
Quickly and then flee

I need me a peg leg
So that my body can stand
And a sharp pointy hook
In place of me hand

I need me a ship
One with black sails
Throw on some cannons
They better not fail

I be needin’ a crew
One that is strong
But better be quiet
When me plan does go wrong

A top my shoulder
I need me a parrot
One that won’t squawk
He be worth 14 carat


You be readin’ me sea chant
It be a catchy tune
I hope ye enjoyed it
Now you owe me gold doubloons

If ye don’t pay up
It’ll be a walk on the plank
Or perhaps a quick dip
In me shark infested tank


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Retirement Plan

 Retirement Plan

Dr. James E. Martin
©February, 2013

Now that I’ve reached a ripe old age,
I sit on the porch and sip sweet tea.
Some may question the wisdom in this,
My response is simply, “It works for me!”

Jealousy is undoubtedly fostered in some,
For that matter anger may surely arise.
I simply continue in my well designed plan
And know that many my life they despise.




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Naughty Sex Talk

Naughty Sex talk

Women will whisper
Pretend they don’t care
Chat about perfume
Or talk about hair
Why is it secret
Hush, hush don’t say
When every ten seconds
In every man’s brain
Frank daydreams of sex
Render
Women insane


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HUMPTY-DUMPTY(spoof on a nursery rhyme)

"Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall"
Why would he want to do that?
I'm sure he didn't Want to fall,
Perhaps he was just looking for his cat.

"Humpty-Dumpty had a great fall"
The cat started looking for his master,
Meanwhile, our Humpty was trying to call,
But this only made the cat look faster.

"All the kings horses and all the kings men"
The cat stepped carefully toward his master, 
Humpty thought he was saved again,
But all it meant was a real disaster!

"Couldn't put Humpty-Dumpty together again.
The cat started to lick as it started to rain,
Humpty felt himself getting thinner and thinner,
As the cat had more and more of his dinner.

This is the story of our Humpty-the egghead,
Who fell off the wall and made a great splat,
He didn't know the fall would make him spread,
And make a great meal for his fat ole cat.

Poor ole Humpty-Dumpty !
 ENJOY everyone


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Oh, Funny Owl

Oh, funny night owl; I relate
to you. I also stay up late!
My eyes, like yours, are mellow green
and staring too, but at a screen.

I stare at E-mails and TV
until I know that finally
I must retire myself to bed
and rest my weary night owl head.

I feel so rotten when I wake
I have to do a double take.
I see the clock. It's eight a.m.
I sit up grumbling, "Damn, oh, Damn."

Then brimming with new morning cheer,
I drag myself before the mirror.
And what I see upon my face
are little lines I can't erase.

Oh, funny night owl. We're not wise
with circles underneath our eyes!
And now I get to look like hell
because I love the night so well.


For the Night Owl Poetry Contest of Kelly Deschler



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A Bike Ride

The world flying past,
I'm riding so fast;
Then a screech and I find
The world's left behind.
I'm up in the air
(It's pretty up there)
I just hope it won't hurt
When I come back to earth.


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Family Trip to Mars

It’s time to pack the rocket,
Because there’s no need for cars.
For our first vacay,
That’s as far away,
As the wonderful world of Mars.

Yes that’s what the brochure said;
It’s a wonderful world out there.
So grab the yout’s,
And lunar boots,
But don’t forget the extra air.

I’ll always recall that first trip;
Starting with how to pack.
We stuffed the trunk,
Coz who woulda’ thunk,
We couldn’t bring a luggage rack.

Then we fueled her up with the good stuff,
To go fifty million miles.
Then I guffawed,
Let’s send the in-laws,
But that made my wife hostile.

I told the kids to go to the bathroom,
Then they looked at me in a daze.
When they found out.
We’ll be flying about,
Two hundred and fifty days.

There was one last major problem;
For a request we were afraid to hear.
Our son put us on the spot,
When he asked to bring Spot;
Not this time, he has to stay here.

Well that started the bellyaching,
That delayed us leaving the house.
“Will miss all our friends,
For who knows when?”
And that stuff was said by my spouse.

Thankfully calmer heads prevailed,
After toasting with some drink.
The kids didn’t peep,
And my wife fell asleep,
Due to the added drugs, I think?

Take off was smooth as can be;
Frankly, it was a hoot.
Until I realized,
High up in the skies,
I didn’t pack my bathing suit.

When the family finally woke up,
We were soaring close to the moon.
The kids both cheered,
Then said what I feared,
“Hey dad, will we be there soon?”

Well that was just the beginning,
There was more in store for me.
When one kid upchucked,
And the other one yucked,
“Hey dad, I got to go pee!”

Then my wife put in her two cents,
And asked if I’m driving all the way through?
I said we’ll stop for the night,
On the next meteorite;
What did she expect me to do?

At last Mars came into our sights;
Talk about being out in the sticks.	
They asked where we’ll stay?
I said, to their dismay,
“This rocket doubles as a Motel Six.”

We all agreed Mars was wonderful;
An exquisite planet in red.
We took pic’s big time,
Then turned on a dime,
And flew back in uncomfortable beds.


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A Day on the Golf Course

He excitedly grabbed his bag of clubs,
 He drove to the course that day.
 He had no qualms about not going to work
 He merely wanted to play.
 
He briskly walked to tee number one,
 He smartly teed the ball.
 He swung his driver with gusto immense
 He never saw it off the tee fall.
 
After time he realized to his dismay
 The ball lay right by the tee.
 He never did completely understand
 Why the ball did not speedily flee.
 
After quickly replacing the misplaced ball
 He gave it a hearty blow.
 He watched it slice off into the rough
 Where he never intended it to go.
 
This first hole ended with strokes very high
 It actually was only the first.
 It made him soon begin to think
 He probably should have better rehearsed.
 
In actuality he should have at work stayed
 And completed those unfinished tasks.
 He probably will this message convey
 In case anyone ever asks.


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Went Fishin'


Submitted to the "Gone Fishin" contest
------------------------------------------------

Trollin’ the islands at Texoma,
It was April, 1964.
New rod and reel in hand,
I’d NEVER been fishing before.

A Garcia 2510T casting rod.
The reel, a Mitchell 301,
Plus hand-selected worms and lures…
I was ready to have some fun.

My teacher, a master fisherman,
Had fished all over the earth...
From trout in Austrian mountain streams
To sea bass just west of Perth.

He showed me all the basics,
Including how to tie a lure.
“No snaps. They’re no good.
Tie’em on…just to be sure.”

He made me practice casting.
“Take aim with your rod’s tip 
Take her back - ten, eleven, twelve, one;
Smoothly return to ten… with just a little flip.”

While I practiced the casting motion,
He said, “Large Mouths will be jumpin’ bugs.
Water’s bubblin’ with Sand Bass spawnin’.
You’ll know the difference if one gives you a tug.”

As we drifted around the islands,
He said, “I think you’re ready.”
So, I picked a lure, a pretty Heddon;
And tied her on.  My hands were steady.

Yellow with black dots and a weed guard. 
A streamer tail and double treble hooks.
Who knew if she would do the job,
But I liked the way she looked.

As I tied her on, I looked around
For a likely place for my first cast.
Magazine pictures always showed weeds
In the background of a striking Bass.

So, I picked a reed bed in the shallows;
Threw my first cast, watched her fly.
What happened next was the stuff of dreams.
We couldn’t believe our eyes. 

About eighteen inches before she lit,
A monstrous Large Mouth erupted from the water.
My teacher screamed, “Holy Mary, Mother of God!  
Kiss O’Reilly’s Ugly Daughter!”

When the Bass broke water, it scared me. 
My whole body jerked and shook.
So sudden, so silent, it seemed like slow motion.
Until I heard him screaming, “Set the hook!  Set the hook!”

When the big Bass scared me,
I must have set the hook.
The tussle was on, long and hard.
This fish didn’t want to be cooked.

My lack of skills prevailed, however,
As I finally reeled him in;
I grabbed him by the lower lip,
Like I’d seen Don Wallace do, time and time again.

“Oh, my God”, he murmured as he weighed the Bass;
“Jeez.  Over thirteen pounds....Thirteen pounds, two.”
He took out his Polaroid and laughed, 
“I’ll take a picture of this fish... holdin' you.”

He snapped the picture of me holding the Bass;
On the back wrote the date, the length and weight.
As he turned to put the camera away……
Get ready.  This is the part that’s great.

I’d watched Don Wallace ‘catch and release’.
He always did that on his show.
“This fish put up a good fight.” he’d say;
“Now it’s time to let him go.”

Yes, as my teacher put away the camera,
I held the big Bass by the lower lip and tail
And ‘swished’ him in the water,
Making sure his gills would not fail.

My teacher turned and saw what I was doing
Just as I let the big Bass go.
This, too, was like slow motion
As I heard him screaming, “NOOOOOOO!”

“Why would you do that, Lad?
Do ya know nothin’ at all?
A fish like that... on your very first cast?
Well...Lad, that fish goes on the wall.”

“Well…he’ll be here next year.” I said with a smile,
“And even bigger, I’ll bet.”
He said, ”You’ll make a fisherman, Lad.
It’s not for the fish that we fish…

but for the great stories we get.” 

I still have that lure…and the rod and reel.
Still in their bags and boxes, just like new.
I thought about selling them on eBay,
But 50 years later, they have sentimental value.

You see…I’ve been invited to go fishin’ several times
By golfin’ buddies and other friends;
But for some reason…I really don’t know why…
I’ve never gone fishin’ again.

They say, “Truth is stranger than fiction.”
And I believe that is a fact.
I hope you enjoyed this bit of truth and,
In the meantime…..”Ya’ll come back!”


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GOLFING

You’re in Palm Springs, not much to do 
But golf and get some sun
Hop on a cart, still almost dark
Get out and have some fun

Line up your shot, you’re feeling hot
You try hard not to push
But half the time, like you were blind
It ends up in the bush

You curse and swear like no one’s there
Dig up a chunk of dirt
You hit a house, feel like a louse 
Thank God no one was hurt

You hack around, rip up the ground
The hole seems ’way too small
You miss your shot and swear a lot
This is no fun at all

Every shot’s worse than the last 
No matter how you try
They don’t go where you want them
It makes you wanna cry

Your buddies laugh, you stand and chaff
You ask them what’s so funny
They grin and say, “Looks like today
You owe us lots of money”

Finally when you make a shot
You think you’re getting hotter
You rip the next shot long and hard
Straight into the water

Every shot makes someone smile
Somehow it’s never you
A foursome comes up from behind 	
Asks if they could play through

You shank and pull you slash and slice
You finally get around
The only part that you enjoy 
Is when you’re homeward bound

You practice ‘til the sun goes down
Determined not to fail
The more you try the worse it gets
You just groove your slash and flail

Today I had a real good day
I’m happy as could be
Had lots of fun, me and my Hon
Stayed home and watched TV


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Happy Question

Today I am going to hop my way to my brother.
To tell him how I feel about not being together.
I thought I could be so kind.
I saw him by the road side and I was blind.
I could just end it all by now.
Today I tried a cow.
It really was hard to do.
Then I hired a semi crew.
I watched carefully, darn he is fast!
My name is Happy ?, I'm Easter's brother who is sad.
He painted eggs that made me jealous and bad.
I hopped one day and he threw an egg at me.
My heart became really cold that memory was key.
I finally thought of it an accident really is going to happen.
Happy Easter is going to be laugh-en.
Good to see you, I said to a mystery man.
I was told not to associate with any human.
It was my last resort.
The man had a sports car a beautiful sort.
I was desperate, now, I'm in a bunny court.


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im just gonna snap okay get over it

i dont care who you are
or what you think of me
build me up and break me down
then take your "stuff"* and flee

i hate you 
you know it too
so bring it to my plate
take a point and hold my ground
to not spew all my hate

you were so nice in the beginning 
well, what the "heck"* are you now?
gone, love, thats what you are
a filthy ugly cow

i am still the nice guy 
lord, you have said so much worse
and still im here, i still get by
a blessing, not a curse.

i didnt snap hard enough to say what i meant


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Those Contest Titles

I guess I will, have to admit
My english ain't that good
But thought I'd find a contest
To win one if I could

But when I started reading
The words found on 'That List'
I instantly realized
There's schooling that I've missed

Is Alouette's some kind of song
I heard, frenchmen sing before
Is Zeugma that exercise 
They do while on the floor

Portmanteaus must be a wine
You drink it 'till you can
Recite the alphabet 
Like an Abecedarian

Chastuska, must be that blessing
They say after you sneeze     
And A Florette's a toi-o-let
That's filled with Potpourri  

I know I have a lot to learn
As I journey on life's way
But can't we have a contest
That isn't hard to say
                           By I Ambic


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Molasses and Hidden Insults

You're pretty as a picture.
(of an ugly, mangy mutt.)
Sweeter than molasses.
(Meaning tiny rodent butts)
Delicate as a flower.
(That's now dried up on the vine)
So if you're thinking you're "all that"
(Read between the lines!)


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Electile Dysfunction

I voted for Ronald McDonald for Governor
My local politician said that was rude
But if I had a choice of clowns
I wanted one with food
Now our Congressman’s campaign manager was Pinocchio
He thought he was very lucky
But when the campaign manager faced southwest
His nose was in Kentucky.
After watching all the election ads
I’ve been doubled up with gas
So when you’re done kissing babies 
Politicians can kiss my (Darn! Almost said it again)


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Stupid poem... lol lol lol it really makes no sense but oo well

I want to write a funny poem, one without meaning
So that everytime you read it, your going to start peeing 

It will make you laugh
think of Giraffes

Possibly fart 
and eat a pop-tart

Who knows maybe you will cry
only because its so dumb it's funny but you dont know why

This poem will talk about gypsies and snickers
maybe nerds who are nose pickers

Or maybe Chuck Norris 
OMG did you know he drives a ford tauras

Who knows, maybe this poem could be famous
or maybe people might call me an ignoramous

Oh well, this poem I write one day will be awesome
Im thinking about even including a possum

His name will be Gerald
Omg HE IS PREGNANT NO>... NOT WILL FERRELL

Anyway Gerald will love snickers and chuck norris
Gerald will also get into a fight with a taurtus..

Scratch all that, that was not funny
Im just going to write about the Trix bunny


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Red Bull

~ADHD~

Beautiful Coffee spree
Close your eyes and fell high like a tree
Nothing beats the sugar in my energy
I can't live my life caffeine free
Somebody stop me!!!!!


 :)


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A REAL CATCH

What I know about fish

You could fit on this dish

But I thought I would give it a try

So I bought me a pole 

Catching fish was my goal

And I thought I could learn on the fly

What's there too know ?

How bad could it go 

It's as easy as baiting a hook

You cast in your line,  in a hole that you find

loaded with oodles of snook

So I started out early

A bit feeling surly

For rising before the sun 

When I got on the boat

I was wearing my floats

And the other began to make fun

So we trolled out a ways

Through the brown muck and haze

To get to a spot,  we all thought

Had plenty of fish, but our inner wish

Was to drink all the beer that we brought

So I've  learned,  from that day

The real fishermen's way

And I'll never forget it,  because

It's not important the size, trophy or prize 

We're just out to catch good a buzz


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DVD Lady

The DVD lady came over today
And she was Chinese
She knocked at my door
And as soon as I opened,
“You wanting teefeetee pleeease?”

“I haw new mowie and ca’toon
                     Awl ve’y gooo’
I giw yooou gooo’ price, I p’omise  yooou
You wanting Robin Hooo’?” 

“I am free tonight,” I thought to myself,
“and a movie would be great.”

I thought I’d buy one, but she sure didn’t
So I ended up buying eight

“Sank yooou my f ‘ iend, I cum back agaiiin”
She packed her CD’s and left
I played the disks, they sure were jammed
… now that’s black market theft!

For Deborah Guzzi's "Dialects Make the World Go Round!" contest


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Evolution Shmevolution

Something's fishy; really stinks.
You say you found your missing link.
Just six months grant was left to thee.
A monkey bone you named Lucy.
Ignorance to thee is bliss.
Why do monkeys still exist?
You say the earth is just like me.
With part of this, I must agree.
Don't flatter yourself, it's you I mock.
I mean you're all dumb as a rock.
Rejecting God and resurrection.
Unable to answer the age old question.
If you're not simply pulling my leg.
Which came first; the chicken or the egg?


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Cruising the Drag

Sipping cherry limeade, driving in the car parade, 
We're cruising in the Lone Star state
Didn't want a bucket seat; the thing it couldn't beat, 
Was sitting up close to your date
One hand on the wheel of daddy’s Oldsmobile, 
My arm around my brown-eyed girl
Feeling pretty sporty, radio on top forty, 
I was cooler than the Duke of Earl

The lady of the cruise had her penny loafer shoes, 
Her bobby socks were turned down twice
With a little eyeliner, she couldn't be much finer
Too much and it wouldn't be nice
There’d be no wild oats under those petticoats
She’d never go all the way
Just a perfect flip-up 'do and cute look number two
Practiced in the mirror all day

Hear those tires squeal when I make the rubber peel
For the flyboys waiting on the bus
To take them to the base where they don't feel out of place
Not cruising like the rest of us
I was the drag's head honcho as we pulled across the Concho
And we saw the lights along the riverside
We'd had quite a lark at Neff's amusement park
Playing putt-putt and going on a ride

The cheerleader squad rode a killer hot rod
With a spinner on every rim
A perfect tuck and pleat on every single seat 
Courtesy of Wanda's Auto Trim
Candy apple red, it would really knock you dead
It was a drop-top Pontiac
One was there to steer and three were in the rear
Posing up on the back

Those football beauty queens in their skin-tight Levi jeans
Were followed by their biggest fan
Checking out those lasses in his Buddy Holly glasses 
Was the nerdy little Aqua Velva man
In his stainless steel braces he grinned up at their faces
They iced him with a haughty air
He never would forget it; they would later on regret it
When he became a multi-millionaire

A four girl bevy in a big finned Chevy 
Were riding west on Sherwood Way
Four guys right behind in a pick-up state of mind
All ready to make their play
Thought they were the smartest cruising pick-up artists
But those gals were pretty astute
When they stopped and the guys started telling all their lies
The chicks started putting on the cute

We turned the car around and headed back downtown
Cruising down the boulevard 
Stay cool daddio, bear right at El Patio
And take it down Beauregard
There were lots of pleated skirts and those button-down shirts
The flattops were everywhere galore
From a Lincoln Continental, we heard an instrumental
Mister Acker Bilk's “Stranger on the Shore”

We slowly pulled through BJ’s, listening to the deejay’s 
Announcement of the next hit song
Leaning on their doors with their Brylcreem pompadours
Two hoods were playing Mr. Wrong
Completing their disguise, they slouched with narrowed eyes
And did their best at looking mean
With a twist of his pelvis, one was doing Elvis
The other did a fine James Dean

Like a sweet potato vine, the bride of Frankenstein 
Was entwined around the Marlboro man
With the passion of their make out, they should have gotten takeout 
And opted for a bigger floor plan
With her big black beehive hair and his fancy western wear
They were putting on quite an awesome scene
I had to give a chuckle at his huge silver buckle
But those M.L. Leddy boots looked mighty keen

I pulled the Olds on through, and we bid BJ’s adieu
And I put us back onto the street
With those four whitewall tires, we made for McIntire's
To get ourselves a bite to eat
We stopped for some fuel, over near the school
In those days they came right out to you
Best place on Earth, ‘cause with a dollar’s worth
They’d check your oil and clean your window too

The drive-in, painted green, was quite the social scene
With people mingling car to car
Everyone was caring; the drinks they were for sharing
Especially when they were in a mason jar
She ate a big banana split, and then left me for a bit
To comfort an old friend not feeling right
A moment more to linger with that final steak finger
Then I took her home and called that one a night

That was many years ago, but some things you don’t outgrow
And I think back to when I was a teen
When doors were left unlocked, and children safely flocked
Unchaparoned at night on Halloween
And sometimes at night, when the stars are big and bright
And I’m deep in a Texas state of mind
I think of that lass who was in my high school class
And I wonder if she thinks of me in kind

August 10, 2012


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The Goat and Me

In a field I saw a goat
Eating grass that day
I felt so sorry for him
And thought he’d like to play

And here I thought he was
So sad to be that way
I thought he needed attention
So I planned to see him that day

But what a fool was I you see
I really didn’t click
Why would he be all alone?
In a field so green and thick

So I squeezed through the fence
And straight into the grass
He didn’t seem to flinch
Or look as I walked past

But then I saw his eye
And saw his chewing cease
He didn’t look so happy
And lost that look of peace

There I was standing
In this field alone
A goat looking angry
And me so far from home

So I started running
And there began the chase
Through the field of flowers
Running with no grace

Stumbling and stamping
While he kicked behind
Scared that I would be beat up
And I would not be fine

And so I jumped the fence
And got safely out
While he chewed my jumper
He had in his mouth

And looking at that goat now
I can clearly see
Why there was a fence
Between him and me  


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Having a Bad Day

Today I had the roughest day that I have ever had.
Of all the crazy, wacky ones, this day’s been really bad.
It started when I first woke up and fell out of my bed.
I cut my scalp so deep the blood was dripping from my head.

I found some gauze and taped it on until the bleeding stopped.
I put the coffee on then in the shower quickly hopped.
But then I dropped the bar of soap, that’s when I slipped and fell. 
I twisted my right ankle and my knee began to swell.

I poured some shampoo on my head and lathered up my hair.
But some of it got in my eyes and burned beyond compare.
Then as I limped out of the tub and went to grab my towel.
I noticed something smelled real bad, something very foul.

The eggs that I was boiling were now burning in the pot. 
The house was filled with smoke and the alarm just wouldn’t stop.
I grabbed the broom and swatted the alarm with all my might.
Instead I hit the ceiling lamp and shattered the whole light.

I quickly backed away as glass had flown around the room.
The day was only one hour old but I was filled with doom.
I opened up the windows and the smoke went streaming out.
My neighbors must have called the firemen I have no doubt.

Then in the hazy smoke I got some glass stuck in my foot.
I guess I should have sat right down and really just stayed put.
The firemen were quick to come, and call an ambulance.
I felt like I was in a daze, a crazy dream or trance.

The EMS removed the glass that stuck inside my feet.
They bandaged up my ankle and my knee, they were so sweet.
I guess I just can’t win, so back to bed I’ll go and stay.
And hopefully, tomorrow it will be a better day.


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Gummy Worms

Gummy Worms

Everybody likes me.
Nobody hates me.
Because I share my worms –
Yummy, yummy gummy worms
Sour and sweet yummy worms
Sitting in my kitchen, sharing worms!

(SHOUT!)
Yummy, yummy gummy worms!

Collaboration by Dane Smith-Johnsen and her 6 year old grandson
Inspired by the Childhood song, “Sittin’ in the Garden eatin’ Worms”
June 13, 2010


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My Uncle Bob

I love my Uncle Bob, Who is so big and stout; He always makes me laugh, And he never ever stops. When he drives his old truck, He invites his fat friends to hop; In the village, they went around, Naughtily making a pig sound. Those fat villagers, upon seeing them So scared and they hurriedly run away, Thinking that Uncle Bob’s friends will get them, And put them all back in a pen.
Written: Aug. 8, 2012 He is only an uncle in my fantasy, lol. The idea was conceived after watching a Laugh Show of Joey D.L.


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The Sport of Fishing

They say that fishing is a sport,
but who wants to compete with a fish?
These small, slimy swimmers
often end up as someone's main dish.
The fish's pea sized brain
is usually fooled by store bought bait.
The only problem for the fisherman
is how long his patience must wait.
A fishing rod and decorated hook
lures the brainless victim to its death.
After its fins slap the human skin,
the fisherman brags with every breath.
A cold blooded fish's defeat
means little on the scoreboard of life.
If fishing is meant to be a sport,
why are the losers chopped up with a knife?


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High Blood Pressure and White-Coat Fever (Re-edit)

I HATE how it squeezes
It unnerves and freezes
Blood pounds through the arm
Setting off my alarm
Read her face like a book
(The nurse has that look)
"It's high to the max"
"Just try to relax!"
"You're close to a stroke"
(Lord, I need a smoke)

***For Carolyns' Contest


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My Super Ego Show

Come stroke my super ego
Please, come sit awhile and stay
I'll play my poetic show
And, we'll slowly drift away.

Come put a coin in my purse
And then I'll dance for you
A lovely ballet of verse
In a pair of rhyming shoes.

Come lend me your ears and time
And I'll take you far away
To lands made of verse and rhyme
In shades of golden yesterdays.

Come catch it as I throw it
A fresh ember of a dream
Come listen to a poet
And his witty rhyming schemes.

Come stroke my super ego
And you'll sure be glad you did
This is the 'Tim Dandy Show'
And today I feel splendid!


                         Timothy I. Brumley


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Our Not-So Perfect World

In a perfect world...

Things won't break,
Our clothes don't shrink,
Bugs won't bite,
And skunks don't stink.

People never snore,
They don't even sneeze;
Ice cream never melts,
And puddles don't freeze.

There are no creepy crawlers,
No slimy pets,
No spooky sounds,
No noisy jets.

We never get dirty,
We never get told,
It's never too hot,
It's never too cold.

No one is shorter,
No one is taller,
Nothing is bigger,
Nothing is smaller.

In a perfect world...
There's no fun at all.
But in our not-so-perfect world,
We always have a ball! 


by Ana Espinola Collins


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My first car

My first car was an '87 Camaro.
That car was fast and sharp as an arrow.
I was sixteen and in high school.
I loved it, but boy was it a piece of stool.

I had it for a month, then it became a joke.
I was driving one night and the engine broke.
It started to steam and smoke everywhere.
I was afraid, so I just left it on the highway there.

When I came back, I was hoping my day would be brighter.
But it got much worse when I saw about a dozen firefighters. 
They were surrounding it and when I saw it I nearly froze.
They thought it was on fire, and filled it up with their water hose.

I should have junked it, but for this car I truly cared.
So I got a new engine and paid for everything to be repaired.
After that it ran like new and without a rattle or a squeak.
Little did I know that it had a slightly large oil leak.

So a couple days later, I was out on this amazing date.
I was thinking about us in the back seat, but that would wait.
As I was driving to this remote make-out spot, 
I looked at the temperature gauge and it was very hot.

So of course it started to smoke and the firemen got called again.
When they got there, I didn't know what I was in for then.
One fireman smiled and asked if I was going to the make-out point up there?
I smiled back and said yeah, then he said really, with my daughter Claire.  

After that night, I did what I should have long ago and got rid of the car, 
I also never saw Claire again, her dad told me to stay away, very far.

***For Paula Swanson's Contest***


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My Shadow Friend

My best friend is amazing
She always stays in step
And when I’m in a good mood
She’s always full of pep

My best friend follows me around
Everywhere I go
She even follows me to town
So that I’m not alone

The only trips she won’t embark
Are the ones when it gets too late
My shadow doesn’t like the dark
That’s one thing that she hates

So she only comes out in the day
When sunshine does come near
But if the clouds do roll in
My friend will disappear!


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Four frogs on a log

Four Frogs On A Log.

Four frogs were lazing in the sun
When a log came floating by.
So the frogs all scrambled on to it
With happy little cries.
Not one of them had sailed before
And it was so much fun
But then it was, the big debate begun.

One frog said "Ain't that something
This log is so alive.
It moves along so easily
Now don't you think, you guys?".
"It's not the log that moves you twerp!!"
Said another thinking frog.
It be the river moving, not the log!!

"Oh no, no ,no" a third frog said
The both of you be wrong
It's not the log, the river neither 
It's your mind that moves along.
The moving be your thinking
Without it nothing be.
And those three did get to arguing
And never did agree.

The fourth frog said "you all be right
Not one of you be wrong.
The log it moves, the river moves
And the mind moves it along".
At that the other three got mad
For each did yearn to win.
So they grabbed that wise old frog and threw him in.

Socrares Feb 16 2004


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Chicken, Chicken in the Yard

Chicken, chicken, in the yard.

When will you be quiet?

All day long it's cluck, cluck, cluck

It sounds like there's a riot.

You flap your wings, yet you don't fly

And eat and eat and eat

You give us eggs, I don't eat eggs

And you have funny looking feet.

 

Chicken, chicken, in the yard

You're fatter even still

I gaze at you across the way

And drool on the window sill.

 

Chicken, chicken, in the yard

I'll bet you're really tasty.

Wings and breast and thighs and legs

To leave any is a wasty.


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First Day In December




                             I woke up this morning to a white glow
                        Outside it has dropped a white blanket of snow
                             I want to make a snowman named Joe
                   He shall have a red hat on, he becomes easy to know
                                It's cold and it's starting to blow
                           I rush into my house, it's cold on my toe






01.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)


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Fruit Cake Family Feast

Holiday dinners coming
Time to sit and feast
Moms afraid of infection
She worries about the yeast

Uncle Bobby wants some Turkey
He's picked out the wishing bone
If he is finally Lucky
He won't have to go home alone

Now the Turkey is boneless
The bread is not rising
The gravy is all lumpy
Grandma cukoo is smiling

Little jimmy is angry
He just wants to eat
But his cousin Elizabeth
Is taking toe jam off his feet

I should have stayed at home
With food that isn't gross
But then I wouldn't have seen
Grandpa riding the pot roast

He thought it was a Bronko
He made a big mistake
It never would have happened
If he had stayed awake

Lucky mom still had the ham
The roast had been destroyed
After it had been ridden 
It was easy to avoid

Once the meal was over
I was nothing short of glad
I shouldn't tell you about Father
What he did was really bad

He went into the parlor
To let off some nasty gas
Sounded like an explosion
I laughed off my silly ass

My sad tale is now over
Every story has an end
If you don't really enjoy it
Be kind and just pretend

Christmas Dinner With Humor contest.

Written Dec 5 2012


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Wheres WALLY

Where’s Wally?  where’s Wally? 
The customers all cried
Where’s Wally? Where’s Wally?
Do you think he’s gone outside
It’s market day, it’s busy
It just shouldn’t be allowed 
We’re never going to find him
If he’s out there in the crowd
We know he’s got his glasses
Woolly hat and stripy vest
It’s kind of like a camouflage 
He blends in with the rest
Where’s Wally? Where’s Wally?
Wherever can he be
Don’t worry, here’s Wally
He was sitting next to me


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I Watch My Figure, Getting Bigger

Every morning is the same,
Standing staring at my frame,
Looks no different from last night,
Flab is still winning the fight,

Scales hate me, sure they lie,
I only ate a small stir-fry,
Willpower waning every day,
Diet falls into disarray,

The healthier I make my meals,
The emptier my tummy feels,
Salad and a few small snacks,
Hot chocolate to help me relax,

For every hour I ride my bike
My body goes on hunger strike,
But when I'm home and my legs ache,
I comfort eat with chocolate cake,

One week on, the scales astound,
I've finally lost another pound!
Although I'm watching what I eat,
I'm sure that that deserves a treat.


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The Honesty of Children

The Honesty of Children

By Elton Camp

To minimize contact with others you better try
Until you have explained to your kid how to lie

He’ll tell your aunt, “Dad says you’re ugly and fat
Before you have time to tell him he has to scat

The boss calls when you’re pretending to be ill
There’s a good chance that the beans he’ll spill

If he says a vile curse word in front of your Mom
It’s likely he’ll say ‘twas you he learned it from

He sees a woman in the store who weighs a ton 
He’ll call her fat before you can grab him & run

If to the preacher, you child should say a peek
It’ll be to say during the sermon you were asleep

So a big part of making our children seem civilized
Is teaching them how and when they should tell lies



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Black-eyed Peas

Nigh on sixty years ago this Yankee from the State of Indiana,
Wed a lovely Confederate lass from the State of Louisiana!
I thought I knew her pretty well by the time our vows were read,
But there was a New Years Day secret that she had left unsaid!

Seems there's an old southern tradition that I'd never heard of before.
By eatin' black-eyed peas on New Years Day you'd have good luck, she swore!
That lowly, bland legume is rather tasteless but a hambone spices it up.
And my spouse adds this and that to the mix, usin' her measurin' cup.

With the black-eyed peas is served cornpone (as it's called in Dixie land),
From a recipe handed down by generations and it must be made by hand!
Since I was introduced to that humble pea known for its great good luck,
'Tis our chuck on New Years Day with a generous decanter of Cold Duck!

Now, in Hoosier Land on New Years Day we ate sausage and sauerkraut.
Whether is helps to eat peas or kraut for a year's good luck, I somewhat doubt,
But, I must confess with my spouse at my side, life has mostly been a breeze.
Do you reckon it has somethin' to do with eatin' 'pone and black-eyed peas!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Russell Sivey's "Good Luck Meal" Contest - Jan 2012


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Getting Old Sucks

My ass used to wiggle but now it just jiggles.
My breasts look down at the floor.
Gravity and old age have taken over.
I'm not a "pretty young thing" anymore.

When I look in the mirror I wonder
Who in the hell is that person I see.
With grey hair and wrinkles and hair on my chin,
That person just couldn't be me.

I used to shave my lovely, long legs
Before I headed to bed.
That really is no longer a concern,
I shave my mustache instead.

My legs now resemble a road map
With lines running here and there.
If I could go back in time to my teens
I'd join a gym.... I swear.

Where on earth did my youth go?
I turned around and lost it somehow.
It's like aliens took away my body
And look what they left for me now.

I really don't mean to grumble,
I really don't mean to moan.
I just want to buy a new body
Like the one that I used to own.

I guess I will have to just jiggle.
It's what my ass will now do.
But I'd love to be able to turn back the clock
To when my figure was perfect... wouldn't you?


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Missing my School Days

Period-wise, we used to arrange the bag,
Every book was covered and have a name tag,
Waking up early in morning, get ready to go,
May homework not done, but never were low.
In assembly, that anthemn, and prayer.
That going in queque like a disciplined mare,
Noise in class was like our birth right,
everything we do, was a height.
punishment from teacher was just a gift,
for communication through ends of classroom, require no rift,

Being OUT-Standing of class, more than being in,
Melodious, it seems for us, our noisy din.
No child was let to study in class,
No tension on face of future or marks.
That recess times cannot come back again,
for us adjectives were naughty and imsane,
That making new class love-stories,and mocking everyone,
Our only mission was from every day, may not learn anything but extract maximum fun.
Will never forget that playing in games period,
no tears were allowed, our rules were only laid.

Bell ringing aloud, Teacher has gone,
Student at back benches taking corn.
Oh!! I was sleeping and dreaming, I was in college,
Where classrooms are full of dirty gauge.

O God! Why i got elder so soon??
Missing my School days a lot, Which was for me, really a boon!!!


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Ode to a Toad in the Commode

One morning Dee woke to find the most unusual toad
Perched o’er the water line in the “bowels” of her commode
She put on gloves and sought to catch the elusive creature
But no matter how hard Dee tried, she just couldn’t reach her

So to the local newspaper, Dee wrote for assistance
A letter to the editor described Dee’s persistence
To her shock, the letter appeared the very next day
With her email below it for helpful hints to convey

Nearly seventy emails made their way to Dee’s inbox
Suggestions aplenty on how this critter to outfox
Some offered to come to Dee’s house and catch the motley toad
A biologist warned, “It can’t swim; don’t flush the commode!”

Dee lived very privately and wanted no strange house guests
So she declined “in-person” offers to pursue this quest
By day the toad managed to slip out of Dee’s gentle grasp
At night Dee reached for a toothbrush, felt a slithery clasp

The toad she called Todd was quickly escorted out the door
Although the potential for warts, Dee certainly abhorred
Newspaper staff got a kick out of Dee’s predicament
They called the next day to find out how her efforts had went

To all of the kind emailers Dee wrote of her success
But the public’s interest Dee was unable to suppress
So she wrote another letter, proclaiming, “The toad’s gone”
Concern for this toad was a noteworthy phenomenon

Beneath Dee’s letter describing Todd’s new outdoor abode
Was a cartoon and an ode to the toad in her commode



*Believe it or not, this is true!!!  Happened to me when I lived in a wooded area.
A helpful biologist said it was a "tree toad" and couldn't swim.


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A witches halloween

As the slaving sun sets on a tiring day, 
the moon arrives and shines the clouded darkness away, 
little brats--i mean kids--run out to the streets, 
yelling and screaming as they run amok through the town, 
smiles on their faces; only when their delicious 
sweets are taken away, do they frown, 
doorbell to doorbell they go, 
tossing candy around to and fro, 
the hour draws near the time of the wicked witch,
Okay children, run along home, out of the darkness, 
out of every cemetery, out of every ditch, 
no one wants to be the victim of the evil, and wicked witch. 
on this All Hallows Eve, 
she calls from her grave, 
wanting to live forever, and find her immortal mister, 
but she fails every time, 
because she can't ever get rid of her annoying, 
blond-haired, dimwitted sister.


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Just so Fishing Tale

_________________



                           One  has  to  have  plenty  of  imagination ,

                                         For   this   skillful   art .

                                 Before   you   hear   the   reel   sing ,

                                       To  stay  at  it  for  hours .

                             
                                     Once    I    caught    a    fish ,

                                          Frailest   of   the   frail .

                          Letting   out  a   sigh ,  had   it   swim   away ;

                         For   it   to   be   meatier ,   some   other   day .


                              What   I   gain'd ,   me   you   might   ask .

                                  A   day   spent   in   sheer   idleness

                                             And   solitude   vast .

  
                                                  ~     ~     ~


 For Brian Strand's  Contest : "Favourite Form, Any Theme"


In honor of and inspired by john freeman's
--- "fishing contest"

..


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EXERCISE REGIME

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the first week
I am watching sport on TV

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
So for the second week
I’ve begun to do a little more
I’ve started driving past
A sporting goods store

You must have an exercise regime
My doctor advised me
But he said it is essential
To build it up very gradually
But by the third week
It started to get hard
As that’s when I started trying
To put on the leotard


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Food Police

How I hate the Food Police 
Watching watching me
Counting out the calories
Watching what I eat

Go away so I can sneak
Tip-toe tip-toe EEK!
Where’s my hidden stash of sweets?
Confiscated treats!


 5/9/12



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The Happy Dress

It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative 
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.

So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened.  “Ta Da!  Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked?  Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.

You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.

It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”

“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.

So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.

She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open.  “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.

She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”

ALTERNATE LAST VERSE

“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.


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Waiting For Santa

My brother told me you’re not real and sissy said that too
But Santa I know they are wrong and I will wait for you
I hung my stocking on the hearth; it’s waiting for you there
And since they are so little I thought I’d hang up a pair

Mommy is making cookies so you’ll have a snack to eat
Daddy said make chocolate chip, the kind that’s semi-sweet
I don’t know how my Daddy knows what cookies you like best
I think he hopes when you are done that he’ll get all the rest

Our chimney looks so tiny that I hope you don’t get stuck
To get all of my presents down you’ll need a lot of luck
Mommy told me not worry that you will find a way
Then she smiled at Daddy to see just what he would say

My Daddy told me sometimes you put toys together here
Just like the new bicycle that you brought for me last year
You must have had a hard time ‘cause I thought I heard you yell
It sounded like you hurt your hand but the bike was really swell

Did Daddy help you build it? ‘Cause it sounded like his shout
Next day he had a Band-Aid on, so what’s that all about ?
When I asked him what happened, it was really a surprise
‘Cause I thought I saw your twinkle Santa, in my Daddy’s eyes

I just don’t understand this year why Daddy looked so tired
When he heard all the things I want said “assembly required”
But anyway I know you’ll come, ‘cause Mom and Daddy said
That I have been a real good boy and now I’m off to bed


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A GOAT A True Story

Here is another true story that happened down on this southeast corner of North 
Carolina.  We do not live in a rural area so a goat is a very rare site.  Especially on 
someone's front porch.    As with the last true story - this did not happen to me 
personally but to one of my neighbors.  I never get this lucky.    Mike


Going out for a while so I grabbed my coat
Opened the door – on my porch was a goat
A goat? Said my wife. A goat’s what I said
Like a big shaggy dog with horns on his head
So I called the cops – dialed up 9-1-1
I said to the cops, “you’d best come on the run 
For out on my porch (here you’d best take a note)
Is a four-legged white thing I think is a goat
Has there been a bank robbery (come on you can tell)
This goat looks suspicious and guilty as hell”
When the cops stopped their laughing, they said with a wink
Had I been out in the sun, maybe too much to drink
Did I really expect them to drop what they’re doing
For a billy goat out on my porch just a chewing
But cops said they’d be there and they’d bring a rope
So I stood in the doorway feeling just like a dope
For out on my porch was a gentle old goat
And I stood just shaking still holding my coat
Afraid to go out with this Billy Goat Gruff
This story is true, you can’t make up this stuff
And where was my wife while I made the call
Laughing her head off just down the hall
Making fun of my posture, my stature, my stance
It’d just serve her right if she wet her pants.


Mdailey
06/07/08


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THE SLICER

We were golfing in the morning
It was me and my friend Bill
We were on hole number seven
Everything was going well

I drove my ball straight down the fairway
The shot was pretty nice
Bill leaned hard into his shot
But he had a tendency to slice

It disappeared toward the Condos
We could hear a frightening crash
The picture window tinkled down
Pieces lying on the sash 

He said I must go and apologize
To the lady in the place
He found her lying in her chaise lounge 
Dressed in frilly things and lace

He went in to check the damage 
That he’d done to her place 
He came out two hours later 
With a big smile on his face

She said don’t worry ‘bout the damage
I already have been paid
My day has started very nicely now
What a difference it has made

I may have lost a window
But the breaks been very nice
You can stop in any time
It has been a slice


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Empty Nest Syndrome

I reckon the empty nest syndrome hits all at one time or another,
When youngsters flee the nest leaving dear old Dad and Mother!
This morning on the patio I witnessed this situation at its best,
When two baby wrens took flight and left their parent's cozy nest!

Mr. and Mrs. Wren set up housekeeping in a birdhouse I had made.
They soon became the proud parents of a couple of eggs she laid!
I watched them flit to and fro as they filled the ever-empty maws,
Of their little darlings from grub carried in their over-flowing craws!

Once the kids had spread their wings to experience the thrill of flight,
Mother Wren would sit on the birdhouse porch to contemplate her plight!
She'd plaintively chirp as if to say, "You ingrates left sans saying goodbye!
You've left me and your Pa in this lonely nest to mope about and cry!"

It wasn't long until Mr. Wren was in a romantic mood with his spouse.
When he tried to nuzzle up to Mrs. Wren, she'd scurry inside the house,
As if to say, "No way, buster!  I've had it!  Cool it until next spring!
Perhaps when the cherry blossoms bloom again we'll have another fling!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Little Tiny Jellyfish

Little tiny Jellyfish, you look like gobs of snot. Then I went and stepped on you and found out your not. Little tiny Jellyfish, your kiss really hurts a lot. Next time that I walk the beach, on snot I will step not.
Nothing else I tried worked except for something silly. For "Jellyfish at the Beach" contest Hosted by Susan Mills Placement: 7th place For the contest: Any Funny Poem Placement: 12th


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Which Heritage Shall I Embrace

Which Heritage Should I Embrace?

By Elton Camp

According to what some scientists say
Little different from a chimp is my DNA

“From common ancestors you both came.
Evolution is the process that we now name.”

“You and the chimpanzee are now both alive
Only because natural selection let you survive.”

Since they assure me that this is absolutely true,
There is a tempting action I wonder if I may do

May I pick the heritage with which to identify
If so, being a chimp is something I might try

Nobody expects a chimpanzee any laws to obey
For animals are free and not constrained that way

Also, he doesn’t have a monthly mortgage to pay
A chimp can live free in a tree & be happy to stay

If he should happen to locate a coy simian mate
He needn’t bother with sending flowers or a date

The chimp has no need to make payments on a car
Since he can swing on a vine if he’s going very far

And when the chimpanzee finally comes to die
To assign him to a blazing place nobody will try


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The Last Day of School

Tis a lovely day for students are glad 
The last day of the school year is anything but sad
No more assignments to study nor papers to write
Students can deal with William Shakespeare at next year’s fight
Textbooks have been returned and stored away
Lockers are cleaned out with nothing to stay
The students rejoice with the last bell’s ringing
But the teachers are doing a happy dance 
And tis they who are doing all the singing!!


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A Vegetable Matter

Grandpa’s a gem in the garden,
Tending his sprouts and his peas,
Tomatoes and onions and cabbage,
His ‘caulies’ and his broccoli’s.

I have seen plenty of gardens,
Chocked full of bountiful greens,
But none the standard of grandpa’s,
With his chili’s ‘n chocko’s n’ beans.

So I believed grandpa was blessed,
With an artistic green thumb,   
By his artichokes, pumpkin and corn,  
And his wonderful red capsicum.

At first I mentioned to grandpa
“His garden’s as good as can be”.
Then asked him “How does it grow?”
This is how he answered me.

“I ‘foller’ chooks, horses n’ cows,
With a big shovel an’ ‘barra’,
Puttin’ load after load of manure,
On silver beet, spinach and ‘marra”.

Manure! I said “Loads of manure,
That really makes plenty of sense”,
Then the old ‘biddy’ from next door,
Stuck her head over the fence. 

“I have been listening you know,
Your language belongs in the sewer,
The word that you should be using,
Is fertilizer, and not manure!”

I put me hands over me ears,
Expecting grandpa to ‘explete’,
With a barrage of verbal manure,
On zucchini’s and over red beet.
 
But before grandpa could answer,
Grandma called out with a plea.
“What in the world are you saying?
Madge you just listen to me”.
 
“I have cajoled and pleaded and prayed.
I’m telling you there’s nothing truer,
It’s taken me ‘round forty years,
Just to get him to call it manure”.


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Sister, Sister

Mother Superior faced a daunting task,
Like no other in her forty years.
She had prayed it simply wasn’t so,
That Godly intervention might belie her fears.

But sadly, there was no such intervention,
No relief from the duty she did rue.
Despite her hopes and all her prayers,
It had been confirmed.  What she feared was true.

So, she gathered all the Sisters after Vespers.
The impromptu meeting caused quite a stir.
There was murmuring as they filed into the chapel.
She hesitated for a moment... but no, she was sure.

“Sisters, I asked you all here to share some news.
It’s something I never thought I’d have to say.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
Mary Catherine, a Sister for sixty years, said, 
“Oh, thank God.  I’m so tired of Chardonnay.” 


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Gugu,Gaga,Baby Talk

Huggies pull ups,size 6 to 10 months,
Crawling around, had a sudden attack,
High quality,Huggies air lock,
Bubu,bubu,back again Mr Mention,
Mummy told grandma you were overseas,
Gaga,gaga,gaga but auntie told Tony,
You got a 3 months sentence,
Dudu,dudu,pampas need changing, 
Baby wipes,dada,dada,dada,
Get rid of this strange thing,
Here comes mom,baby start smiling,
Mama,mama,mama,mama start working,
Giggle,giggle,dirty pampas off,
Uhgu,ughu,ughu,baby oil wiping,
Hands raise to heaven,new pampas on,
Tee,tee,tee,a bottle,a few gentle rocks,
Twep,twep,finger in mouth,both eyes locked,
One last sentence,bugu,lugu,bugu,
Later,gonna take a nap....


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The Medical Emergency Bracelet

The Medical Emergency Bracelet

By Elton Camp

Many wear bracelets, others to apprise
What to do if an emergency should arise

“If you find me in trouble, please if you will
Under my tongue put a nitroglycerine pill.”

“I am extremely allergic to penicillin, you see
Just one injection could very easily kill me.”

“I suffer from an extreme form of diabetes.
Remember that fact when you treat me, please.”

LeRoy decided it’d be wise to get one too
For the one thing he needed someone to do

“If you find me lying helpless at your feet,
Before all else, my browser history delete.”


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Yakety Yak What was that

You're scolding me, as if I care
For tearing up another pair!
But, "blah, blah, blah"..... is all that's clear
It's miscommunication in first gear!
Yakety Yak!!

Don't you see that it's no use??
I'm just a mutt, (that's my excuse)...
Those scalding words you shout to me?
For floppy ears? ...... Eluding me!
All I hear is "Yakety yak"!!! 

What's with that??

You get upset when I bark loud
Or when I jump into the crowd
That time I chewed newspapers on the floor
Or when I jumped through the screen door

Yakety Yak!!!

You chased me once with that straw broom
Just because I wee-weed in the room
You keep on shouting this and that
But to me it's only "Yakety-yak"!!

What was that???!!!!!!



___________________________________________________
For Tanya Harrigton's Contest "Dog Gone Tales"
8/6/10


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Clara

 .      
                       Clara, my beloved guitar player
                  Beauty was the mystery of her
             Wonderment of her eye husked with passion
        Dread of a lifetime intonation cleft a glimpse of perfection
           She clipped the string as I nod within that melody
                Her pure slimy fingers trimmed the guitar's abnormality 
                    She plough the strings while I was clouded with suspense
                        She broke her hip after shunning the guitar’s defiance 
                            Hours later, I admit, this beauty was a coincidence


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Dear Doctor:

My Dear Doctor Anonymous: Things becoming calamitous,
blinding headaches without end, tumor's there, why pretend?
Oh, you think I'm symptom-free, where'd you purchase your MD?
Tell the truth, for God's sake! Even doctors make mistakes!
I know you wish I'd go away, but, like a thorn, I'm here to stay.
If you won't help me, I will die, the truth is tougher than your lie.
And when I die I won't be daunted, it's you whose house now will be haunted.
Yours forever, patient rejected, end of letter, as expected.


©Danielle White


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A Very Early Memory .

My earliest memory was the Mid-Wife
 And her strong , safe forceful grip .
 And Dad's big frown
 In his surgical gown
 Saying "don't let my baby slip .
 Lord ! , he's pink and bald and ugly
 Hey Mom ! , here's your nine month dream
 He's the perfect mix 
 For politics
 'Cause he sure knows how to scream " .
 They all ooh'd and aah'd and choochy cooed
 Saying yeah, he's one in a million
 As I looked in bother
 And asked , hey mother
 So tell me ! , what's a brazilian ? .


Inspired by Danielle White's early memory contest ..


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If I Beat You To The Barn

Farm boys, farm boys, go and do your chores
Better take your hat for it’s sunny out-of-doors
Farm boys, farm boys, gotta milk those cows
Milk-em twice a day and feed the hungry sows
Make your mother butter in the butter churn
Argue with your brother when you think it’s not your turn
Measure off the distance you both will have to run
Where it is you’ll need to go to get the milking done
Toe the mark to challenge your brother at the gate
Divvy up the pails to balance out the weight
Farm boys being farm boys down there on the farm
And you’ll milk the cows if I beat you to the barn


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Santas' Gears

Christmas is in the air,
Santa is getting prepared,
Trying to fit into last years suit feels weird,
A little more weight that's what I feared,
Trying to get into his pants he tore the rear,
Getting into his jacket,rip,rip,arms tear,
Exposing Santa tall white hair,
Ho,ho,ho,I am not scared,
Snapping his fingers,Rudolph appears,
I have the best tailor in this hemisphere,
Hi,ho,away,I'm off to fix my gears,,,


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Shakespeare Doesn't Like Your Emo Poems

I had a cat name snowball
she died!
she died!

my mom said she was at the vet
she lied!
she lied!

....

Just Kidding!


Oh no!
Look at this joe
Face on the desk cause he's writing so low
Lifted his head and what did I see:

Oh wah! wah! wah!
Mommy didn't love me!

Saw another girl and her mouth was so cringe
Seem like the pen in her hand wasn't able to unhinge
and I walk passed her and saw some or her words:

life is so lonely
I want to blow some coke
father doesn't know me
people think i'm a joke

Holy ghost and holy spirit!
Why are people so sad?
I thought the guy was A.D.D ing
And the chick was on her rag

I understand that life ain't full of win
But just loathing in it is as bad as a sin!

Cutt-ing yourself
Drink-ing to death
Bin-ging on drugs

So you could feel that "close"
That out of body experience where you leave that "ghost"

Grabb-ing a pen
leave-ing a note
Commit-ing a suicide

If I read more of this depressing stuff I think I will cry!

Listen love
go and feel pain
So your girlfriend dumped you
Then go to the strip club and make it rain!

Uh-oh girl
just lost your job
so now your broke
So go out and shake your ass for some handsome bloke!

I understand if you
get upset
have regret
and want your life to be pushed for reset

but when you go through that you
grow up more
see to explore
find out that you could high again sore!

So write me a love poem with no break up
Write me a story of that one day of endless luck
Give me a riddle where the cow goes mooo
That's right be silly!
Shakespeare doesn't like your emo poems!
I wouldn't too!






ps: hey guys! it's late! and the later it gets the weirder i get!(well it's 3am for me, 
idk what time it is for y'all) :D
anywho we all have written our share of emo poems ( i know i have!
heck i still do!) I just couldn't help myself to write this, especially since 
my motivation was a shirt i saw that actually said "Shakespeare doesn't
like your emo poems." ( with picture of Will annoyed as heck XD)
...
no not Will Smith :p


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Typically Luke Poem 5 - GREEDY LITTLE PIG

Luke treats eating like a contest An all that you can eat Luke scoffs down everything Fills himself down to his feet Today he swallowed down six doughnuts He gobbled up some pies He munched his way through a chocolate cake Two hamburgers and some fries Luke was very pleased with himself Acting like he’d won the cup But then everything he’d eaten Just came right back up Though we did present him with a prize But for Luke it caused more distress As we handed him a mop and bucket To clean up all the mess. And it did him no good complaining That his tummy hurts This greedy little pig Got his just deserts.


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The library of ideas

 I thought I'd write some poetry,
Though my thinking was too blind.
So I called into the Ideas Library
To see what I could find.

I looked through rows of new ideas
but none of them appealed,
I turned and tripped and banged my head,
where ideas can be concealed.

If you bang your head extremely hard
You really do see stars.
but don't do this to loosen thoughts,
It's the riskiest method by far 

I spent the night in hospital,
Awakened every hour
I was advised to watch my step
And avoid the Ideas Tower.

I wonder if there is a shop
Where ideas and dreams are sold?
For just a small expenditure,
Put your creative mind on hold.

But if you can't afford to pay
The library is still there.
Just look around and use your mind.
Ideas are everywhere.

The interaction of the world
With vision,thought and mind,
Produces many new ideas.
Those who seek shall find.


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A Sly Reply

I was recently invited to a party
 and their were quite a lot of people there.
Then it was discovered, I was the only one without a cell phone,
 but I didn't really seem to care.

They all enjoyed a good laugh at that simple fact,
 me being the only one without one there.
Though when I came with a sly, yet subtle reply
 all everyone could do was stare.

I asked, "Why does everyone need one?"
 and a woman replied "Well, just in case!"
I said "What, in case you may need to use one?"
 "Because one is owned by everyone in the place!"

Then came, "They make your life easier!"
 "Not having to remember all the numbers you have amassed."
So I said, "Can you remember your mothers number?"
 with a squeamish reply of "No?" We all just laughed.

Sure they may be great for pictures of special times,
 like cameras at one time were.
But when it comes to remembering those special needs
 that dumbing down can leave you in a blur.

So really we don't all need them
 and you can learn to live without them in your life just fine.
I've lived my whole life fine without one,
 and you can reach me on my home phone, if you ever find the time.



Danny Boy: 11-27-13


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My Sister and Me

How many Guinea Pigs can you see?
Is it one, or two, or maybe three?
There's Honey and Sweetie, and Old Master Monty,
He ogles the girls 'till his eyes go quite wonky.
As to which one's the best, we just can't agree
'Cos they all belong to my sister and me

They live out of doors in a house made by Dad,
It's lovely and posh, the best they could have
A bit like on holiday when your' van's been delayed
They shout, "on the house", A PLATINUM UPGRADE.
For having to wait, It's totally free 
We're both very grateful, my sister and me.

We all love those Guinea Pigs, of that there's no doubt, But when it comes to cleaning them out
We both try pretending it's the other one's turn
We go for the wind up but we both need to learn
That nothing worth having ever comes easily,
And one day we'll get there, my sister and me.

How long do you think there'll be only three?
Suppose they gave babies, like a real family.
There'll be hundreds of Poohs and thousands of wee's
I hope they don't do  it on the brand new settee
Old Master  Monty will be as proud as can be
As he blinks a sly wink at my sister and me.


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CLOSE FRIENDS

My closest friends, who number three
I heed not thus for loyalty
and neither camaraderie 
but simply in proximity

They live not down my alleyway
nor porch, nor in my house per se
but underneath my fringed toupee
they're in my head, well stowed away

********************************


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The Disney Princess Nightmare

Well I went to the movies,
To see Beauty and Beast, in 3D.
And before I even sat down,
Belle truely shocked me.

There she was in person,
But the kids just walked on by,
Ushered by their parents,
I began to wonder why.

So I looked a little closer,
And it didn't take me long,
As little girls ran away in fear,
I then knew what was wrong.

Belle was very stalky,
Calloused, were her hands,
And when I heard the "princess" speak,
I knew she was a man.



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BACON

Friend to pancakes and scrambled eggs
Slices of heaven from succulent pigs
No sleepy head can stay asleep
Bacon's aroma makes taste buds weep

No cheeseburger can survive
When Bacon is piled up high
The sandwich of the gods
Bacon from the meat of hogs

Flavor savor smells so good
Eat it Eat it you know I would
Save the grease for extra flavor
Bacon is the taste I favor

Bacon bits make a salad palatable
Bacon strips make liver eatable
Bacon is the real deal
Bacon Bacon for every meal

Bacon cooked with cabbage
Without it life is savage
Bacon is a dog's favorite treat
Forget Fido let me eat

Smoked with hickory or applewood
Cured with sugars is understood
Crisp or chewy Yum Yummy Yum
Maple or peppered give me some

Baked, microwaved or fry
Without it kiss life goodbye
Bacon Bacon fills my freeza
Best part of any pizza

Bacon can never be eaten raw
Buy precooked if no time to thaw
Bacon makes a wonderful jerky
Bacon is pork never turkey.


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Dr Suess' Shoe Store



LISTEN, LISTEN! I have BIG NEWS
Dr Suess has a store just full of SHOES..
A GAZILLION shoes I'm sure there must be
Line them all up, bet they'd stretch to the sea!

Small shoes and tall shoes and some with spots
He even has one covered with pink polka dots.. 
                                                ...... Lots of Dots....
Round shoes and square shoes and OH MY
Even lots of cool shoes you don't have to tie

A snake came in cause he was going to school
And wearing shoes at school is a VERY strict rule..
Now where could a snake wear a shoe you ask?
Well he wore the darn thing like a Halloween mask..

You can buy just one pair if your feeling thrifty
But poor old centipede -  he had to buy fifty
He first bought 25 pair that were bright yellow
Then 25 orange,now he's quite a colorful fellow

A kangaroo complained that his feet were sore
So extremely sore he could barely hop any more
We fixed him up with a spring loaded pair
Now he can happily hop from here to there

So if a GRANDUFULOUS sight your longing to see
 Dr Sues is waiting  at the corner of 7th and G
With shoes for the young and shoes for the old
HURRY, HURRY, before the purple ones are sold..
                                                              ...OH NO!..


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the art of making possible what is probable-w

A boy asked his dad, “What the elections are for, after all, Dad?”
The dad replied,” I have the money, I’m manager of you all, Lad?”

All money I have, give it to your mom so she is the Government
Maid, a working class, you the people, your brother commitment”

The boy woke up as baby brother soiled diapers that night
Went to his mom’s room and found her alone asleep tight. 

So he went to maid’s room, found his Dad in bed with her
The angry boy banged on the door but nobody did bother

The next day he said to his dad that he has been fully fed, 
You explain it to me son, in your own words, asked his Dad. 

“The management is screwing, the government asleep tight
 The people are ignored and the commitment not in sight”.


==========================================

Second place winner in
Contest: Election Humor by Carolyn devonshire
=========================================
Seventh place win in P.d.'s contest June'11















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There is a moral here somewhere

There is a moral here somewhere?

The Vicar of the small town of Fife
Passing a brothel heard shouts of strife,
Flames engulfing the building were rife
Rushed in to save someone’s life
Found he had just saved his wife.


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A Losing Battle

Words, words everywhere
and not a thing to write
I think I'll throw away my pen
and just give up the fight!


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Bless My Beer

When friends do stray
And days grow drear;
It's nice to know
I can sip a beer.

Oh bless my beer
To the bitter end;
That foam topped glass
Is my best friend.

When I'm feeling blue
It is always here;
On a moment’s notice
The warmth is cheer.

You've seen me through
A marriage thrice;
And although those times
Were not so nice;
I always knew
I could depend on you.

For What Turns You On - Contest
Elizabeth Wesley 


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If I Were A Boy

~~ooOO If I Were A Boy OOoo~~ If I were a boy, how cool that would be! I’d always have a friend ready to play with me Through boyhood to manhood I know he’d be there We’d play together always, happy to share. The cowboys won’t worry if the Indians attack I’d get out my weapon and fight them all back. The monsters would disappear from under the bed With my weapon in my hand, I’d strike them all dead. Girls they say are faster learning at school But with my weapon in my hand I’d show them I’m cool. Writing when I want; my letters nice and slow I’d even write my name into the white virgin snow. The life of a boy is all balls it seems, From baseball to football and cricket. With my weapon in my hand I’d knock every ball in Through the hoop, in the net and hit the wicket. As a man my friend would still be with me More controlled put away, and not accidentally. As a member now of the opposite gender, I’d be gifted with the power of childishness to remember. Where as girls grow soppy and want a boy to love them Boy’s grow strong, and want to go out with men. To swill pints of ale and make themselves sick But they count every pint as though some great trick. If I were a boy I’d take my pride in my hand I’d hit the highest point on the wall when I stand. I’d have the biggest, most powerful one ever My throw would be talked about and forgotten never. If I were a man I’d have huge shoulders, strong I would be. If I were a man I’d be the man that loves me. If I were an Olympian I‘d be the pride of the nation As you know well, every boy is gifted with A huge imagination.


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The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos would be too small, 
They would cramp your balls.
You’ll get migraine headaches.”


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WOODEN SOUL

I make this detection
upon introspection
of the woodblock inside me named soul
I'm sightless to beauty
on par with a cootie
or, moreover, an underground mole

I distinguish not burdock
from daisy nor hollyhock
a flower is a flower; just that
in all shades and shapes
their splendor escapes
their fragrance akin to rat

For music I've no ear
from hip-hop to austere
discordant cacophonies at best
hush is harmonic;
uncluttered by sonic
my woodblock is calm and at rest

Plaintive prose
gets right up my nose
and further if wordily verbose;
I don't mean to knock
but it's all poppycock
and frankly it's inclined to perturb us.

I have more to relate
let me share my pet hate
'tis birdsong, a misnomer of speech
birds scream and shriek
they squeal and they squeak
a maddening medley of screech


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ANAGRAM- - BATMAN ALDER RIM

Secret Identity, covered face
and my thoughts begin to drain
I wander who the real Batman is
Is his name really Bruce Wayne?

His real ID kept secret
So we should recieve
All possibilities of who he could be,
Including ones we don't perceive

So now we have a Mystery
Let's put Batman on a brim
Bruce Wayne is his "secret secret" ID
Batman, for real, is Alder Rim
~*Miranda Lambert*~


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My Little Brown Friends

I have one of those near my neck
Who greets me when I brush and shave
I gave him a name (What the heck?)
I'm proud of my brown-buddy-Dave

But doc says watch out for this guy!
Your friend may betray you someday
And send you to heaven on high
(I'm sure your insurance will pay)

Sorry doc, I must take a pass
Don't think I will pay your steep fee
Don't think I'll go under your gas
Ole' Dave's part of me, don-'cha see?

(Got another brown pal more obscure
Just where doth he dwell?..I won't tell
Dave would GLADLY swap spots, I am sure
When it rises to answer the bell)

***Submitted for Nikko's 'Mole' contest


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Don't Hug And Drive

On this eve before New Years I resolved to be cheerful
But while driving my car, another car bumped me
The driver got out, and he gave me an ear full!
It took but a moment, and I knew he was beer filled!
Disgusted and angry, I found myself grumpy
I called the police, and they came to the crash
So I cheered up, and resolved, and expressed my relief
So happy, I hugged them and offered a kiss on the cheek
Well they thought ME imbibed!!!
So they took me inside
And into a jail cell...I was thrown like a flash
My mood isn't good...I'm as mad as a hen!!
My great resolution has faded again!
How can this girl be happy,
When justice kidnaps me?
I'm spending my New Year's locked up in the pen!!

                                     ~

________________________________
For Regina's  New Year Resolutions contest :)
Just Kidding, of course !!!!


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Her Sense of Humor

A slight hint of consternation was in her voice,
“Why did you tell those people I’m deaf and dumb?”
“I never said you were deaf, my Dear.”
She laughed, but I kinda felt like a bum.

Hell.  It was just a joke.

One evening, she asked, “Will you love me if I get chubby?”
I responded, “Of course I still love you.
It would take much more than pounds and cellulite
To make me fall out of love…it’s true.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

“Would you remarry if I die before you?” she asked.
I said, “No…probably not…I’ve been spoiled by you.”
“But you’ve been a great husband. I think you should.”
“Whatever happens, happens is the best I can do.”

“If you remarried, would you play golf with your new wife?
And would you let her use my clubs?” she demanded.  
I calmly smiled and said, “Your clubs are safe.
You see, my Dear…she’s left handed.”

Hell.  It was just a joke.

Then, she whined and whined about her butt.
I responded, “Want to knock some inches off that ass?
It may sound strange, but I heard it works….
Rinse all your panties in Slim Fast.”

Hell. It was just a joke.


The next day, I readied for work, took ‘undies’ from my drawer.
They were engulfed in a fog of white, why I didn’t know.
So, I asked, “Honey! Why did you put talcum powder on my shorts?”
She slyly smiled, “That’s not talcum powder.  That’s Miracle Gro.”

Hell.  It was just a joke....I guess.

So, what is my wife’s most endearing feature?
Her sense of humor.... there’s no doubt.
Always a smile where angst or anger might have been,
A smile I never want to be without.



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The Lazy Day

I wake up in the morning
My hair all in a mess
I slip on my pink slippers
Not wanting to get dressed

I pour myself some coffee
Then sit down in my chair
I think about all my todo's
Then huff, it isn't fair!

I want to lay in bed all day
Not have to lift a finger
Oh, what a joy it'd be
The ability to linger

I huff and puff and drink my joe
Then get on my lazy feet
I say "Just forget it!"
Then plop back on my seat


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Supper Time

Fruit or chocolate,my favorite choice,
Chocolate with icing,fruit cake with raisin,with spice, 
Not too dry,saturated with wine,
Dinner is finished,can't wait till supper time,
For the kids,ice-cream and chocolate cake,
But a cup of coffee with fruit I will take,
Thumbs up Mamma P,this slice is great,
Keep getting better,every time you bake,
Teeth sink in,hmmmmm,savor the taste,
Hold it over a saucer,not a drop will waste,
Ants looking angry,hungry look on their face,
Sorry lads,just licked the last crumb from my plate,
Brush my teeth after some poems I read,
Yawn,good night Poetry Soup,I'm off to bed....


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A Chickens Story

Sunshine and stormy weather,
From egg,to feather,

Grains until I am matured,
Off to the boilers for sure,
Cluck,cluck,cluck no more,
Chopped or bi-sect in four,

Leg,wing and thigh,
Jerk,bar-b-que or fry,

Brown stew or curry,
Get me ready in a hurry,

Natural seasoning or powder spice,
Finger licking,I am so nice,

Rice and peas or mashed potato,
Done at home or nicely catered.......


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Keep It Turnin' to the Right

Oklahoma cowboy, tough coal miner’s son
Born in Henryetta, south of Tulsa some
Raised by daddy’s momma, taught him wrong from right
Daddy taught him ropin’, taught him how to fight
 
Herding made no money, its stock was really down
Mamaw feeling poorly, dad mining at Old Town
Seventeenth of December, in the year of twenty-nine
Dad was shoring timber, 9th west entry of the mine
 
The gas ignited close to him, he never smelt its breath
It belched fire and thunder, and everlasting death
Sixty-one they counted, who wouldn’t see the sun
Twenty-five weren't recognized, they buried them as one
 
On that fatal Tuesday, the boy became a man
Had to make a living, had to have a plan
Heard about the oil patch, got a chance to try it
Drill the earth for all she’s worth; just keep it turnin' to the right

Some they called him weevil, some they called him worm
Some they wouldn't speak to him, figgered he was just short term
They told him "Open up that vee door; go to get the key
It's in the possum belly, in doghouse number three"

Took his turns at floor hand, at first a little green
Became the fastest broke out hand the driller ever seen
Morning tour, evening tour, working day and night
Drilled the earth for all she's worth, kept it turnin' to the right

The driller called him partner; the pusher called him son
The other roughnecks shook his hand, and took him in as one
Got up on the monkeyboard; learned to spin the chain
Pumped that mud and shed his blood, and worked right through the pain

On a bitter frosty evening tour, in a cold December snow
He saw derricks lit like Christmas trees in the distance far below
He saw the fairyland of the refinery, shining through the night
He saw Mother Earth and the universe, all turning to the right

The oil patch was a hard life, moving all the time
But he saved a lot of money, didn't waste a dime
Morning tour, evening tour, working day and night
Drilled the earth for all she's worth, kept it turnin' to the right

Sent his kids to college, working through the years
One became a teacher, the others engineers
He hung up his hardhat; he shed his steel-toed shoes
Then one day he passed away; he'd finally paid his dues

Made it to the Pearly Gates; they handed him his wings
Handed 'em right back to them; said "I don't need these things.
I want to do some drilling. That's my heavenly plan."
They said "Go talk to the Devil then, cause he's the company man."

Old Scratch needed hellfire; he always come up short
Too many politicians and others of that sort
When he heard they had a driller, he jumped up with delight
He danced a jig, "You've got your rig. Keep it turnin' to the right."

Now he drills for hellfire; in the derrick he's got Jake
Buck and Sam on the platform; Sonny's on the brake
They all grin like demons; they're all where they belong
Doing what they love to do, they sing their roughneck song

"We all eat caliche and drink the devil's brew
Play dominos with Satan and skunk him at forty-two
Work all day on Sunday and honky-tonk all night
We're oilfield trash and we'll take cash to keep it turnin' to the right

We all love West Texas; it's like the Promised Land
Horny toads and rocky roads, and even dunes of sand
Dust storms every morning, northers every night
We get tans and freeze our cans to keep it turnin' to the right"

The lingo used around the rig you won't hear much in church
It'll curl your hair and make you stare and leave you in the lurch
So close your eyes and realize it's gonna get much worse
Drink your beers and plug your ears; here comes the final verse

"We p*ss longneck Lone Stars; we f*rt Frito pie
Give us ****, and we will spit some Red Man in your eye
Don't **** with us, or we will cuss and bring you to the fight
We're low class, but we kick *** to keep it turning to the right"

8/10/2012
Coal mining, oil drilling and Hell - Doesn't get much darker and deeper...


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Letter From A Farm Kid

Dear Ma and Pa:  I'm now a proud United States Marine!
I've found it purty easy to slip into their tough routine.
Some of them city fellers think things is really rough,
But growin' up on the farm has really made me tough!

Why, they even let us sleep-in 'til almost five o'clock,
Then, sergeants rant and rave to awaken us hapless flock!
You make your bunk and shine your shoes, if time will allow,
And then march to the dinin' mess for some hearty chow!

On the firin' range I've got three medals for aimin' true,
And though I'm only a hundred pounds and am but five foot two,
I can out-run and out-jump anyone on the obstacle course,
And flip them macho guys to the ground with but little force!

Pa, this shore beats sloppin' hogs and shuckin' corn,
And gazin' at mules' rumps a-plowin' at the break of morn,
Or milkin' cows, tendin' goats or hoein' rows of taters,
Or sweatin' under the Hoosier sun pickin' pecks of maters!

There's even an indoor outhouse and all the hot water you crave.
This shore does make it handy when the fellers need to shave!
Shucks, I'm a-thinkin' about makin' a career as a Marine.
That's all for now, as ever, your lovin' daughter, Darlene.

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Sweet Potato

Aroma baking
Pleasure making

Peanutbutter cake
Don't want no fake

Souffle' today
Tomorrow no weigh

Cheesecake crumb
Pour me some rum


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I Ate a Purple Jelly Bean

I ate a purple jelly bean
after my lunch one day!
But I accidently swallowed it whole
so my mom called the doc right away!

He told her I'd be fine,
just give it some time!
He also prescribed me some strange-looking
sour, acidic, Calamondin limes!

Apparently these limes
would make the pain go away.
But honestly all they did for me
was give me facial expressions that were crazy!

After the limes, I went to get a drink
to wash the taste out of my mouth.
Unfortunately, when I went to get a drink
I tripped on my kitten's pet mouse!

So far it had been a terrible day!
Horrid, I tell you! Horrid!
I don't want to know what'll happen next!
I think I'll just go to bed!


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The Exercise Equipment

The Exercise Equipment

By Elton Camp

The workout machine for which I paid a high price
Sitting in the store, looked like it would work nice

So I took it home and then set it up in the den 
I used it twice, but after never touched it again

Because I found that it made me sweaty & sore
After learning that, I didn’t use the thing anymore

For a few months, I used it as a handy coat rack
I’d had it far too long for the store to take back

My wife had a yard sale scheduled for the spring
She said, “Why don’t you get rid of that thing?”

So I learned that intentions don’t do any good
For I failed to use the machine the way I should

I doubt that I am the only one to waste that way
I’m going to check yard sales and see some day


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I am Bored with Work

I am bored with work.
  My job is mundane.
Somedays it seems
  I might go insane.

It's the same thing
  day after day,
but I have no choice,
  I need the pay.

My job is boring,
  disenchanted I am.
If I win the lottery
  I'm going on the lam.




~~by Francine Roberts ~~
for Linda Marie's "I Am Bored With___" contest


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Christmas Dinner Fiasco

"Christmas Dinner Fiasco" on Christmas Eve, family gathered for "Feast of Seven Fishes" an old Italian tradition while wrapping gifts with expectant wishes hubby decided to play Chef Boyardee complete with hat and apron, a fun sight to see the kitty cats circled dinner table to pounce licking their whiskers, smelling each tasty ounce. pumpkin bread baking and homemade apple pie whipped cream and hot fudge enjoyed with warm sigh candied sweet potatoes with buttered rolls and biscuits diet food hidden away like melba toast and triscuits aromas so yummy the puppies were squealing soon there was a stampede, sent the kitchen Chef reeling. tree trimming time once dinner was finished spirits running high with no chance to diminish all seated to say grace before this marvelous meal with colorful palette' and great appetite appeal underneath the table came growling and gnashing as felines and canines, over dripping crumbs, were clashing. the Chef lost his temper and scooted pets to the yard from inside the hacienda those onry pets were barred but the doggie door was unlocked so began the invasion pets on parade on a Christmas Eve occasion the desserts lined the table like poetic pop art creme puffs with rum and rice cakes a la carte'. coffees were carried next to Christmas tree tinsel and garland with musical lights mystery but Cali the cat had his own idea of fun 'twas entangled in garland with paws in a bun and Gabby had stolen a piece of creme puff his black face was white as snowflake soft fluff. the Danes sniffed out chew sticks from their stockings as Raider and Golden ran round the tree in flocking and sweet little Venus was as good as a dream enjoying her peaches as she swirled in whipped cream Christmas dinner fiasco provided laughs with love as we sang "Deck the Halls' to the good Lord above. *For Francine Robert's Christmas Dinner With Humor. *Dec. 2, 2012.


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My Valentine

I knew I was in danger 
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama 
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city 
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because 
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on 
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house 
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.


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Stuck in Bed

I know my supervisor thought I lied, the day I said.
The reason that I had been out was I was stuck in bed.
I tried explaining desperately the rain had been to blame.
He looked at me like I was nuts, it really was a shame.

I told him that the night before it had rained cats and dogs.
So much that by the morning time the flooding hit the bogs.
And seeing how my little house is near a swampy creek.
It wasn’t long before my house had sprung a great big leak.

His face got twisted when I said my house got washed away.
And pretty soon my house was floating on Big Hollow Bay.
I told him in great detail how the planks began to break.
And how I wound up floating in my bed in Big Bear Lake.

I finally was rescued by the firemen in town.
It took them many hours just to pull my bed in ground.
So like I said, I told him that the rain had been to blame.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that he believes my claim. 


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Skinny Dipping

One fine day, as hot as Hades,
Six respectable old ladies
Decided they would take a trip
Before the winter chill could nip.

They drove out to the countryside
With rolling hills and river wide.
The place was quiet, full of charm,
But, oh dear me, the weather warm.

Gran became a trifle naughty
Heat made her a little potty
Decided she would take a chance
You only have one life to dance.

Removing both her diamond rings
She cast off all her under things
And dived into the swimming hole
Then with a flash, the show she stole.

This lady in her autumn years
Was young at heart, for her, three cheers.
The other ladies’ eyes, they popped.
While with their hankies, brows they mopped.

Then one declared, ‘It looks so cool.’
And all at once, a river full
Of naked ladies having fun
Beneath the hot and blazing sun.


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TROLL AT THE PLAYGROUND

Scene 1 
I am cornered by troll mother on the playground

Hey there, Barbie, your plastic smile crackles,
Desperate Housewives called, they need a new star,
Your playground antics have raised my hackles, 
Just who in the world do you think you are
photographing my child without consent?
You then offer to email me pictures,
snarling at your girl. Is sand unpleasant 
for your manicure? Next, you conjecture 
that I need a facial, say, you sell Mary Kay,
I crush your small card, think, please go away.

Scene 2 
The troll turns out to be my husband’s boss’s wife. Guess who came to dinner?

Hi there, come in, your pretty smile sparkles.
Was that you in Vogue? I love your pink car!
Oh, you were right! My look was matriarchal! 
Watch out world, cause you will be going far!
Thanks for the photo, what a nice present,
How kind, that touch up was a nice feature.
I love your perfume! Is that a new scent?
Yes, women are like old architecture
and we need spackle! God bless Mary Kay!
So glad you came. Care for a canapé? 


About this poem

There are days I want to write a blog entitled “Mommies Behaving Badly.” Seriously, I have seen some horrid behavior in parks. Last week, a woman wearing high heels (in a sandbox?) teeters towards my daughter and starts taking pictures of her. We’ve never met. I’m like, EXCUSE ME? She sits down, tells HER daughter to, "not make mommy dirty" and proceeds to offer to send me the photos. I give her my phone number (she types it into her hand held device) and then begins to tell me about Mary Kay. One day later I’m left a message on my answering machine that she thinks a spa treatment would ‘help me.’ Sheesh. Scene 2 is imagination. Scene 1 is fairly accurate. Make that scarily accurate. Shameful business practices 101, how to gain contacts the nasty way.





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Rabbit VS Snail

A snail and a rabbit,
Had a competition called,
The tortoise and the hare,
The rabbit a show off,
Look at my competition,
Ha ha ha,get outta here,
But the snail showed no fear,
Bam,the starters gun,
Starting blocks cleared,
But no matter how the rabbit ran,
The snail found second gear,
The rabbit hits over-drive,
In the distant he disappears,
But every time he stops to rest,                                            
Abra-ka-dabra the snail appears,              
50 meters from the finish,
He hears spectators cheer,
And to his disbelief,
A snail being thrown in the air,
Won't tell you the snail secret,
Give my word till death I swear,
Now the rabbit lives in a barrow,
Mocked by his friends he lives in sorrow...

                                                                                  *moral*
                                                                     Lifes' race is not for the swift,
                                                                But for who makes plans and endure it....


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Springtime In The Rockies

Spring in all its splendor has arrived - what a pleasant relief!
The grass has greened and the trees have begun to leaf!
Robins have returned and cheerily serenade me at the break of dawn.
Alas, those pesky dandelions scourge my pristine, emerald lawn!

The golden sun greets daffodils awakening from hibernation,
And colorful tulips blossom, beautifying God's grand Creation!
Pastel blooms of many hues adorn my cherry and apple trees.
Lord, please spare them from the usual late springtime freeze!

The roses were pruned and ample fertilizer was spread.
The snowblower was gladly stored securely in the shed.
The mower was serviced and its blade was finely honed.
Tomorrow the lawn must be mowed - it cannot be postponed!

But hold on!   This morn I'm greeted with a grim surprise!
Drifting snow is piled as high as my shivering thighs!
Yesterday 'twas seventy degrees, now I shovel snow in coat and hat!
Fiddlefaddle! So much for Springtime in the Rockies and all of that!

During Springtime in the Rockies 'tis common modus operandi,
To keep the John Deere snowblower and lawnmower handy.
"Just wait ten minutes, the weather'll change" is an apt old saw,
As my lawnmower idles and I impatiently wait for the snow to thaw!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 2 in Carol Brown's "Spring" Contest - January 2012


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The silly cat with a hat

                                                            The cat wore a hat 
                                                             and scared the rat ,
                                                              it looked very weird , 
                                                               because it even had a beard .


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A Fishing Trip

I love fishing in the deep blue sea,
but that fishing sure cost a lot to me.
First you have to gas up the car,
sometimes you have to go far.
Of course you have to stop for breakfast for two,
it cost $34.50 what can you do.
Then we need to rent a boat,
I hope this one really floats.
And then you need bait and such,
boy it really cost too much.
Finally we are out in the bay,
we fish in the sun all day.
We return home burned, broken and well done,
I guess we even had some fun.
However no fish were caught this day,
so pizza for dinner, it's OK.

JSergi


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To Yoda an ode contest

The man looked at his twinkle
Shucks what's become of me
I used to rise and shine
Now all i do is pee

Yoda said, "Size doesn't matter
Saying take a look at me
I have  the force behind me"
But still  I am so twee

"Come close and feel the force
Around us, you and me".
"Everywhere the fire" Said I
Looking down hopefully

Guess it hasn't reached that far
Will stoke the burners well
"Do or do not, there is no try"
Are the words that Yoda tells

So next time when in the loo
Trying to raise a smile
Remembering what yoda has 
I outdo him by a mile.







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Hoot Owl

Big-eyed hoot owl perched in a tree,
hunting for prey while eyeing me.
He swooped down swiftly and caught a mouse,
flew up and landed on the eave of my house.
Old hooty owl quickly ate the vile little beast,
burped once loudly, then glided off slowly due east.
Wise Mr. Owl will return late tomorrow evening,
perch up high in the same darn tree and give me a warning
by turning his swiveling head 180 degrees all of the way backwards,
giving me a wild-eyed wink and dropping on my sidewalk a couple of turds.


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EU Voting Song

Jolly voting weather 
We are all europhiles
We’re very clever 
And lie to you all the while
You fell for our promise especially the CAST IRON trick
We’re all from Eton, and you lot are all too thick.

If you think I’ll claim back powers, 
You haven’t got a clue
We’ll hand the UK to Merkle, 
There is nothing that you can do 
No referendums Changes through on the nod 
I am the PM and I’m a duplicitous sod

As for immigration
I know it gets on your tits
I will flood the nation 
And pay their benefits
I am from Eton; I am one of the ruling class
If you don’t like it, you can just kiss my ****

If I agreed the Treaty
Things that it would amend
Required referendums
And that would be the end
We’d be out of Europe and that’s what the public crave
But I’m undemocratic, just call me dictator Dave

Clegg is making noises
Pretending he did not know
If he really meant it
Lib-Dems would pack up and go
There all in it together, and David is now all smiles
He has silenced the sceptics, with the aid of the Europhiles

This has been a carve up
Helped by Merkosy
They need our money
That is quite plane to see
They played out the charade so it looks as if Dave’s alone
But were still in the EU and we’ll pay for the Euro zone

Jolly voting weather
We are all Europhiles
We’ve silenced the sceptics
Look at their beaming smiles
There’s no referendum, the sceptics are really thick.
I am from Eton and those idiots missed the trick 
 


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TEN ZOMBIES IN A KOMBI

                   
                   
                                            Ten Zombies in a Kombi             
                                       traveling at late night in a town                   
                                        All people sleeping peacefully                  
                                               They making sound                   
                   
                                          Zombies have no chance now                   
                                               for living flesh to chop                  
                                            Hurray mode may be lost                   
                                                  So need to romp   
              
                                          Their eyes are of full bloods                    
                                               Seeking human brain                    
                                                 No way to have it                  
                                                 so no one’s slain 
 
For Contest:
Sponsor: Leonora Galinta
On 27/10/2013


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Walk Of Shame

Walk Of Shame

Did you see that girl walk by?
I can tell, she got a guy
It's 9am, her hair's a mess
Sunday morning in a party dress?

Mascara run, lipstick smeared
She thought, this hour, all coasts were cleared
Oh but no, her I did see
And as she stumbled, she saw me

High heels on, cell in hand
Back to the dorms, she walked on Grand
Walk of shame, oh how you expose
The true nature of the hoes

Guys wake up to chill on their lawn
As freshmen girls grudgingly pursue on
Calling out, "Well how was your night!?"
Girls wish their walk was out of sight

I just laugh and point them out
More so notifying all via shout
"Walk of Shame, that is you!"
These young girls, they've got no clue

The ones who get it, then take off
Again next weekend, it's never enough
Get any guy, hooking up's their game,
But each time regretting the walk of shame.

You might think I judge too hard
Not giving them the innocent card
I shouldn't talk, I'm such a hypocrite
That was me yesterday morning, I will admit.


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when colors collide

 I dated Mary Browne from out of town
 She was a lovely lass.
 She'd auburn hair and freckles and a perky little ass .
 The donkey carried her to Sunday school
 And all seemed well and bright.
 The lads were green with envy , especially Parson White .
 But big Bob Gray , on that fateful day
 Said ; " WOW !!!, she'd grace my bed.
 As he thrust his lusty hand at her,the poor girl turned bright red.
 Her ass was having none of this,
 He heehawed ... heehawed... " Don't dare " !!!
 And with a flick , lashed out a kick
 Now Bob Gray is gone much greyer .
 His eyes are now , pink bloodshot .
 His groin is black and blue .
 But now he sings soprano , from the very last church pew .
 When Sheriff Green came on the scene
 He didn't know what he could do.
 Saying" never mind , I'm color blind , can't tell my pink from blue.
 My amber , mauve or lilac could be torquise , white or brown ,
 So saddle up your donkey and get your ass out of my town".




For  Olajide's color blindness contest .


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Tick -Tick -Tick --Oops

Oh for the time to find time,
And understand it’s demand on me if I can,
Let it be understood that if I could I would,
But the subject is much pursued and misconstrued.

You see before I wrote I began to dote on time this time.
And knew that when I would finally view.. my words,
It would be the future it would…or should..
That was in the past and as you see it did not last,

So in the past the future was yet to be here, I fear,
That past crashed which is evident in the words I've spent.
As I write, this thought arises that I fight,
That this present line in time will pass and quite fast.

That past is behind and the present will be in kind ,
And it too just passed but pay that no mind,
Because this last line passed that was once the future and did not last,
And soon this poem’s written future will end.. Ain’t that a gas? - Oops, it passed !




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She Done Me Wrong

Every time I turn the radio on I hear a feller's plaintive song,
About his achin' heart and how his woman done him wrong!
How they once held each other close beneath the harvest moon;
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He found his woman hangin' out in honky-tonks at the edge of town,
Consortin' with the local rabble tossin' whiskey sours down!
Never mind that she caught him with Hildebrun at Clyde's Greasy Spoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

His woman tells him to stop his gamblin' at the Pot O' Gold Casino,
And if he doesn't stop and toe the line, she's headin' for a split in Reno!
He wonders where his charm has gone that once made her swoon.
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He feels a pang of guilt for not providin' the kids with decent shoes,
And blowin' the grocery money on the horses, cigarettes and booze!
But can't a feller have a little fun without her ragin' like a typhoon?
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He stops at Cudahey's after work and drinks until they douse the light.
He cries on Bubba the barkeep's shoulder unloadin' on him every night.
He feels as if his woman thrust through his heart a very sharp harpoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Paula Swanson's "Play Me A Cheatin' Song" Contest - May 2011


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Breakfast, Lunch and Supper

A cup of coffee,
And a moonpie,
A muffin fluffy
I just has to buy,

A cheezy burger,
And homemade fries,
A fizzle squirter,
Got in my eyes,

Mashed potatos,
Steak on rye, 
With tomatoe,
And ice cream pie.


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The Grape Pain

Today I am a grape Hanging on a vine Perhaps to be plucked one day Ending up in someones wine Maybe I'll be bitter One of the worst ones you could eat Or possibly be the most tastey ones The sweetist of the sweet I hang with a bunch of others That I see all through the day Longing to be anywhere But there seems to be no way Seeing alot of other beauties Farther down the line Hoping they will notice me When I'm plump and in my prime though now the nights are getting colder Others have begun to all fall down Bunches of dying grapes Laying everywhere on the ground Unable to handle this madness I'm letting go of this vine tonite So I won't have to wake to this sadness That I must see through each days light
Dan Kearley:9-21-11


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My Sexy Other Wife


By the time you read this 
You may think I’m insane
But I have to lay it out
So you can see it clear and plain

My wife, my true love, 
Her name is Jane
She is perfect in every way 
And just as insane

She has the qualities that 
Every man would desire
But to her I am the only one
That she wants to admire

You think J Lo’s figure is somewhat tasty?
And her main feature, to men would be her ass
But my Jane excels and makes J Lo look cheap
Jane’s ass and perky breast, Ooh Lord, they have class

She loves me like a miser loves money
She drips with sexuality, sweeter than honey
Oh this woman of mine almost broke my back
Six times I thought I was going to have a heart attack

So you may say get a life
But this is my tribute to my sexy wife
She is, everything to me 
She is the sister of Glen
My good, my best imaginary friend


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Old Irish Joke 2

Clancy's pub had cut me off, said no more pints for me I knew he was mistaken, I was sober as could be So I climbed off of the bar stool and headed for the door And much to my surprise found I was laying on the floor I crawled to the front entrance and stood up with some care Opened up the portal and then fell down the front stair I crawled up to a lamppost and clammered to my feet But after taking one step, I fell into the street I only lived a block away, so on me knees I stayed Crawling down the sidewalk, twas slow progress that I made At last I reached me cottage and made it to the door I pulled meself up, opened it and sprawled upon the floor Somehow I got up the stairs and rolled into the bed Me knees hurt like the devil, there was a pounding in me head When I woke up next morning, I was an awful sight Me pant legs were all shredded, I looked like I'd lost a fight “It's drunk again you were last night” I heard my wife declare “How would you know if I was drunk, you weren't even there” “The barkeep, he just called me and asked me how you are” “And said that I should tell you, your wheelchairs at the bar”
Always liked this joke and decided to put it to rhyme.


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The Haunted House and The Halloween Mouse

One day at a haunted house....
You'll never guess what I saw!!!
Well, it was a great big ghost...
Coming out of the wall!

The ghost just stared at me...
So I gawked at it too..
And I thought..."It just couldn't be?!!"
Until that sucker said BOO-O-O!!

After it said BOO! to me!
I ran all the way up the stairs!
And guess what else...."I did see!"
Ghosts nearly everywhere!!

Then at me a came a flying!!
They kept on yelling BOO!!
I almost felt like crying...
Until I yelled my BOO-O-O-O-O!!!!

After I yelled my BOO!!!!
You should've seen them run!
Now let me tell you!
I've never had so much fun!!

So then I left that old haunted house...
And went walking down the street..
When up to me came a little mouse...
And the mouse said..."Trick or Treat!"

So I asked the mouse.."What's with this Trick or Treat?"
"Just what the heck do ya mean?"
And the mouse said...."Give me something to eat!"
"Don't ya know sucker it's Halloween!!"      


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A Rainbow Day

Today,
The sun is crisp and bright
Yet does not warm the day.
29 degrees and no higher.
We rush about, layered from
Head to toe...

Today, winter is our foe. 
I am dressed in rainbow colors,
Purple hat, red coat, pink sweat
Shirt, yellow blouse, black mittens,
Brown boots, black pants...
Hey, in spite of the cold,
People are smiling at me...
Wonder why?


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Hah Ha Hah Holloween Night

Fingers,the bones,
     Force through a casket,
A body appears,
     Or should I say,what's left,
Groans and moans,
      Earth bursting all around,
Covering my ears,
      Shutting out this horrible sound,
Countless dead,
      Raising from the ground,
In your chest,
      Twice as fast your heart pound,
Searching for the living,
       This Halloween night,
Better not be caught,
        It won't be a wonderful sight....

Creepy,scary,laugh,hah,ha,hah...


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Dr Seuss' Sex Drive

I wish to have you by the lake
Eat you as I’d eat a cake
By the lake, you’re my cake
I will partake, of you I’ll take

I wish to hold you with no end
Hold you close, my dear friend
By the lake, eat you as cake
Hold, no end, close, dear friend

And when at last you outward cry
We both will look into the sky
By the lake, I’ve eaten my cake
Holding, no end, so close, dear friend


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Villagers Storm Frankenstein's Castle

Villagers Storm Frankenstein’s Castle

By Elton Camp

The huge stone castle looms high above the town
Night approaches & villagers uneasily look around

Yet another innocent of their number has been killed
With fear and a desire for vengeance they are filled

“It’s evil Dr. Frankenstein and the hunchback Igor.
We just aren’t going to put up with them anymore.”

An enormous, ugly monster has been lurking about
Frankenstein and Igor are to blame, there’s no doubt

In the graveyard, late at night, they have been seen
All swear they are doing things unholy and unclean

The villagers have had enough and ready to have a fit
Their flaming torches they very soon will have lit

They march en masse up to the hulking castle door
Torches thrown inside and soon it will be no more

What they don’t see is Frankenstein and his pal Igor
As they both slip quietly out of the castle’s back door

Then one day to the villagers’ horror and surprise
They’ll return, once again the populace to terrorize




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4:20, Four- Twenty, The Earth Day Birthday

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


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Remember When

The fondest memory of a young boy’s drive,
   Are those things reminding us we are alive,
As when those physics of natural fortitude,
   Rise up to the occasion and start to protrude.

Seemingly the notion is quite  uncontrollable, 
  The mind that takes over is quite consolable,
`T was Love gave us the procreating  urge,
   Assumption is such, why should we not spurge?

As was this friend of mine who’s name was Berg, 
   With every young lady he saw, wanted to spurge,
He did saddled himself with three kids and a wife,
   Which is fine if mature ,but if not ruins one’s life.  

Another fond memory of a young boy alive,
   Is all those hot rod cars that he use to drive,
One of my dearest friends lost his life, where and when?
   High school graduation on Bayou creek bend.

A four in the floor and a fifth under the seat,
   Young boys feel like such a feat is quite neat,
Driving while drunk chancy rich price to pay,
   Same as being too young when one hit’s the hay!

This story has no glory,  though all parts are true,
   Parents seriously need to teach children good pursue,
Apple of God’s eye, tooth for tooth, an eye for an eye,
   We have not mercy,  when it is judgments we cry! 

For Contest: Fondest Memory
In Honor of: Frank Herrera


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Did I waste my time

At first school was cool
Had to abide by one simple rule
Read and write
And never fight
Recite the alphabet
How easy can it get?
One plus one is two
A E I O U
Two times two is four
D O O R spells door
Maths was about addition and subtraction
Multiplication and division
Studied animals and apes
And all them shapes
Circles and triangles
Squares and rectangles
Pentagons, hexagons
Septagons, octagons
Nonagons and decagons
Then I grew a little and things got tough
The stuff got a bit rough
School became boring
Talk of junior-high bullying
I got scared and
The maths got weird
Areas and volumes
Cones and pyramids
Cords and sectors
Quantities and vectors
Pi r squared?
Half times base times height?
No way I’m getting these right
Positives and negatives
Radius and diameter
Areas, perimeters
Voltmeters and ammeters
More and more shapes
Rhombus, star and trapezium
Physics and chemistry
Lithium and helium
Biology and history
Mussolini, Hitler and Stalin,
And the famous wall of Berlin
I thought I was done
But things got less fun
I started to debit and credit
Economics and statistics
Differentiation and intergration
Poisson and normal distribution
Assignments, projects and dissertations
Now I’ve got the diplomas and degrees
But guess what
I’m just a poet
Now, tell me
Did I waste my time?


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Mr Bartender

Oh dear friend of mine
I need to tell you about me and my wine
It always goes down so smooth
All of my cares it does soothe

Then when I go home 
To my frig I do roam
Inside another bottle of wine does set
So needless to say another glass I get

Then my eyes starch to blurling
Ants my worchs starch to slurching
Jist wunch I tellch waach agret friegs zha ares
Angs jist menbers thizisg way i donst goes ta bars


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STRING of not-not & NOT"S

       STRING of not-not & NOT"S

Stuck on you like dirt on a shoe.
You got me rocking like a cradle
Passing you a sigh look, and you still have no clue.
Giving me all the motions of a tornado.
Have you no idea how much I am into you.
I am like pudding while you clay me like playdoo.
Now tell me what is a girl in love suppose to do.
Without knowing if that is the way you feel to.

You have no idea you are!!!!!!!!! 
Possessing me from the other side.
Deep is how I fallen into your trap.
Illusions of you is what I thrive.
Giving me a sucker, while you kidnap.
Bathing me with your strong ego set on overdrive.
Your bait came like cheese on a mouse trap.
Tripping with a fall into your arms.
For you I run that extra lap.
Hitting me hard with your sweet charm.
Around your finger you got me wrap.
Your percept comes with the ability to burn.
Your amusing even when you talk crap.
Drawing in a moment when its my turn.
Separated  when the night takes a nap.
I talk I listen, I am lost in your yearn to learn.
A path of pebbles I follow to your so called scrap.
You got my guts tide up in no's & NOT'S
Stringed up and all tied up, NOT easy for me to unstrap
Strung out on you NOT wanting a way to unsnap.
Wink, wink, to he who I will NOT give up ; - ) !!!

By: P.D.


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She Smacked My Butt

                             My muse came around this afternoon
                                     Smacked my butt she did
                          And it hasn`t been that red since last June
                                     Nearly cried like a little kid

                                 Now Im running about with a rear
                                Covered with red and white stripes
                             Wont show it to ya`,I run away in fear
                              Wouldn`t hurt more,even with spikes




A.Ertsland
March 4th-2012

Don`t even ask where this one came from..hahaha!


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Wake N' Bake

waking up and 
baking up 
before 
we hit the sun
 
in a hurry 
don't you worry
just come along
and have some fun

stop all that lookin'
at what we're cookin'
like we're crooked dudes
with guns

MANnnnn!!!
themz' brownies 
not Maui WoW-Wee
chill out
our THC days iz' done.


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My New Diet

I started a new diet that promised it would be.
The diet of all diets and it would set me free.
They said I’d lose a lot of weight in just a month or two.
And I would get so thin and svelte as if I was brand new.

They said I’d have to give up foods that I eat every day.
They said it was unfortunate, there was no other way.
And so they started to remove most of my favorite foods.
The ones that always put me in those very happy moods.

The first thing that would have to go was everything deep fried.
Not wanting to show weakness, they never knew I cried.
And then they said I’d have to give up butter on my bread.
That was the moment I broke down, a sea of tears were shed.

They said no cakes or muffins, good-bye to chocolate chips.
They said it was the only way to keep them off my hips.
Of course they said no ice-cream, now that was no surprise.
And no more cherry, pumpkin or luscious chocolate pies.

No gravy and no stuffing, not even one small bite.
They said I could have turkey as long as it was white.
No bacon in the morning, no pizza for my lunch.
No pancakes and no waffles with syrup for my brunch.

I had to give up donuts with toppings of all types. 
Linzer tarts and cookies with those lovely lemon stripes.
Gone were the potato chips and all the lovely dips.
No more was I allowed to taste sweet candies on my lips.

Now I drink black coffee for breakfast every day.
Shredded wheat for breakfast, the one that tastes like hay.
At lunchtime a small salad and different types of fruits. 
For dinner time a chicken breast with rice and bamboo shoots.

Then nightly I drink herbal tea to soothe my hungry nerves.
But when I go to sleep at night I dream about hors d’oeuvres.


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Busy Busy Busy

I'm far too busy can't you see
Too busy to write poetry
So please forgive this silly rhyme
I really do not have the time
To write an epic verse or three
I'm far too busy can't you see

So many things I have to do
And all by yesterday, it's true
Then as the day comes to a close
I collapse into a chair and doze
And if I dream more poetry
I'll place it here for you to see

Before this day comes to it's end
I'll give you some advice my friend
Use every moment that's the key
I'm far too busy can't you see?




Thanks for the inspiration - you know who you are :)


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Someone Tell Me Please

Driving in my car not too very far, I take a cleansing breath, then let the air release. Is this done for peace? I don’t even practice Zen. Somewhere I once read: Bodies should be fed with a lot of oxygen. Burn more calories! Someone tell me please: Those results. . . I’ll notice when??
Written by Andrea Dietrich Inspired by nette onclaud's ALOUTTE YOUR CLEANSING RITE Poetry Contest


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I Think My Brother's A Werewolf

I think my brother’s a werewolf!

It’s hard to believe but so true!

At dusk he is like a great beast!

He’s hairy and scary; bearded too!


He’s never around in the daytime.

He sneaks out with a creepy girl.

I have a feeling that someday,

she’ll eat his gross flesh... and then hurl!


I see red bumps on his forehead

that count the days ‘till a full moon.

I sure hope he’s not contagious!

Or I’ll be a werewolf quite soon!


Scratching his head doing homework!

Wetting his bed while he’s asleep!

These are just a few of the signs

proving that he’s a monstrous creep!


I went to my mother and told her

about my brother superbly.

Then she giggled and simply said,

“Dear, he’s going through puberty!”


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If These Walls Could Talk

If these walls could talk don’t believe a word they say
I heard them lying to the furniture just yesterday
I did not do those things that they say I did
Why, those walls would have you believing that I’ve flipped my lid

If these walls could talk I would have to tear them down
I can’t have my little secrets spread all over town
If I knew these plasterboards were built with such loose lips
I would have covered all them up with wallpaper slips

If these walls could talk I might just have to move away
In fear of the things that my walls might say
So I am happy in the knowledge that they only talk to me
But, now I am worried about my chatty chimney


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Nurse the Rhymes

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet eating vegetable one day,
She warned Jack and Jill about the hill,but they still fell from idle play,
Emergency call the Fairy Godmother,tell her hurry with no delay,
She brought them band-aid and pain pills,she always saves the day,
The Seven Dwarfs gave some helping hands,taking home seven pails of water,
On the way to Jack house they met Snow White and Red Riding Hood her daughter,
They told them about the Big Bad Wolf,that the wood-cutter slaughter,
Happy to hear the news,the Easter Bunny gave everyone a chocolate egg,
Jack and Jill got brawta,
Hip-hip-horray,now we can roam free without that trouble maker,
And although Jack and Jill were battered and bruised,
The journey home was fun and laughter,,,




brawta,,,,a Jamaican slang that means,,,extra

Been away for awhile but I am back my friends,,,


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Everyday is Hump Day

PIGS GO OINK COWS GO MOO GHOSTS SAY BOO NOTHING NEW HORSE GOES NEIGH BUT WHAT DOES THE TURTLE SAY? ? BIRD WINGS GO FLIP FLAP FISH FINS GO SPLISH SPLASH HORSE HOOFS GO CLIP CLOP SNAKE BELLY GOES SLITHER SANTA CLAUSE SAYS HO HO HO BUT WHAT’S THE SOUND OF THE CAMEL TOE? WHAT DAY IS IT? EVERYDAY IS HUMP DAY
?


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Blue Blanket

I sleep beyond its warmth
I envision upon its touch

In this world exists a hell lot of blankets
But this, ineffably, I admire very much

In shades of light blue
My blanket wraps me tight

Its color a deep, tender comfort
Resembling a departing night 

Across the wide distances of cold
I am shielded amid its warm fluff

I begin to sink in skies, as soon as
I lay my head upon its cloudy puff

In this world exists a hell lot of blankets
But this, ineffably, I admire very much

I now yearn to sleep all day
Within its magical, surreal clutch

	


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My Cousin's Wedding

Trying to remember my family on a three hour ride
'cause I'm going once again to see a new bride.
This makes number three for poor cousin Vinny,
the last two was crazy but at least they were skinny.

The new one he's got looks like a man.
He calls her sweetie but I call her Stan.
He's five foot four and she's six foot five.
My poor cousin vinny might not survive.

She use to carry lumber down at the mill,
but now she's a wrestler her name is 'Big Kill'.
Standing six foot five with a linebackers head.
If this one goes south poor vinny is dead.
He swears to us all that he loves her alot,
but I think he's lying so he won't get shot.

My cousin Vinny is lost without any clue,
and the woman he loves wears a size 19 shoe.
 But I'll always come and support his new mess,
'cause each time he marries my wife gets a new dress.


Dustin Self (my cousin's wedding contest)


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Text Me Back

Randomness...hehe
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh Allie!
Where thou art hath the wind blown thee?
Lost forever in an endless sea
How still I hath ridden through texts and letters
Waiting for thy reply - no word shall render
If thy health is but a dying willow on the meddled earth
I should like to tend thee through silliness and mirth 
However, if thou heart is ever set against mine texts
My mind shall go nuts and the poetry vexed!
Text me back, thy sweet Allie-roo
And I shall be forever in debt to you!!!

Your melodramatic, weirdo friend,

Laura Elizabeth Breanderthong


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I Go Where My Feet Take Me

......................................................................................................................................

I love my feet they are the best,
To take me on untraveled paths.
They tramp along with little rest,
Until I’m panting shallow breaths.

Making tracks across the countryside,
They lead the way while I just follow.
Not content with trucks or cars to ride,
They walk until my legs become as Jell-O.

It’s my feet that often guides the way,
And leaves me tired and well expended.
Then, it’s not always nice the words I say,
When the day of rambling trails has ended.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate my feet,
They lead me out in early morning sunrise.
It’s because of them that I and nature meet,
And while they touch the earth, my spirit flies.

......................................................................................................................................


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Thanksgiving Leftovers

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all of its ado and congestion.
I'd consumed too much turkey and pie and due to its ingestion,
Today, I'm suffering from a very acute case of indigestion!
I should've stifled my gluttonous bent - of that there is no question!

Of turkey meat and the trimmings I've had more than enough,
But my spouse has already planned next week's menu in the rough,
Saying, "You'll eat what I fix and I want none of your inane guff!
I know how to dispose of leftover turkey and all that other stuff!"

So, a hearty turkey stew and sweet taters are on the menu Monday.
A steaming bowl of turkey soup will grace our board on Tuesday.
Two turkey sandwiches with green bean casserole we'll have Wednesday.
Turkey salad and punkin pie will be placed before me for lunch Thursday.

A heap of mashed taters topped with turkey a la king for dinner Friday.
Turkey fricassee with cranberry sauce we'll eat for dinner Saturday.
Enough turkey was available for potpies that we'll dine on Sunday.
YeeHah! Ain't no more turkey - I'll have a cheeseburger come next Monday!

Lord, You know I'm mighty thankful for that which You graciously provide,
And please don't thing me an ungrateful oaf, but if in You I may confide,
May it please You come next Thanksgiving, 'twould be so very nice,
If You'd provide a simple meat loaf, mashed pertaters and wild rice!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Forget-Forgot-Forgotten

There are so many things in my life That just seem to get forgot My brain is a dampend sponge Stuffed in my head that has begun to rot I can't remember Sh#t! In my simple life from day to day I can't blame any of it on God For it's my own fault that I am now this way Younger days of partying Along with the medication that I'm now on today Keep wiping my memory slate clean Causing all memories to quickly fade away Forget,forgot,forgotten... Those three words to me are all the same Sitting in a tub full of missing memories With a rotting sponge that is clogging the drain
7-10-12


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The Doctor's Favorite Dessert

The Doctor’s Favorite Dessert

By Elton Camp

Dr. Dough a new dessert perused
“This is one not to be refused!”

“For it fulfills my fondest dream.
Bacon mixed with ice cream.”

“This concoction is the very best.
Money from patients to wrest.”

“It’s rife with saturated fat.
For me, how great is that!”

“With bad cholesterol it’s filled.
Artery clogs my wallet thrilled.”

“The addition of a serving of bacon.
A health choice that’s much mistaken.”

“It helps the “sometimes” treat
Patients more regularly to eat.”

“With more calories than needed all day,
The results will greatly enhance my pay.”

“Of “empty calories” it’s composed.
For me, nothing is better than those.”

“For my patients, it’s to recommend.
So I will have more money to spend.”

“It will be to my financial delight
If they eat it morning, noon & night.”


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Texas Country Cowboy Creation

It’s a real Texas situation
Wow, you’re one heck of a creation
I dig your hat, I love your boots
Ya’ got those bang up, country roots
When you’re strummin’ on your guitar
you’re one, red hot, country star

Ooh, wearing those, sexy, tight fittin’ jeans
you’re one lean, mean country machine
Ya got me feelin’ like a damn fool
like a silly girl in high school
Boy, I'd sure like to share your company
so, get off that bull, come ride with me

Yeah, it’s a Texas situation
cuz’ you’re one heck of a creation
I spent my money on this here hat
Tell me now, whadda’ ya’ think of that?

Come on now, I’d like to be your pretty baby
we’ll drive each other country crazy
Yeah, it’s one heck of a situation
cuz’ you’re one, red hot, Texas, born creation


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ART OF CONSTIPATION



On our first serious date; he grew excited
and I was primed to knock my guy off his feet.
Spending hours on the right dress, all horrid
Till a feathery wardrobe popped from the closet.

Yes! This dress will hit the roof…top-rated;
lined with plumes from neck down mid-thighs.
Upstairs, my mood claimed I must stay decorated
trying latest trends in beauty makeover,
armed with lipsticks, false lashes and gloss shaded.

The long wait made him quite frustrated
so, Mom served cream pie to ease the tension.
Forcing him to nap while I polish a vogue look,
never wore make-up, now I was fully painted.

I stepped down with new face truly elated
he woke up from my “hello”, and trembled.
Gee, I knew the male Richter scale zoomed 8!
Flaunting my hairdo, thick with mousse… inflated.

“I’m sorry, Ted, for being late, you really waited.”
He froze. He croaked, as if he saw an ostrich,
Squeezing his arm to ensure our date well handled!
“But, I can’t go, the burps; errr..the pie,” he cited.
“My tummy‘s acting up; I’m constipated!”


Vienna's Smile , You're In Candid Camera
by nette onclaud



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The Rubber Boot

Sitting staring out the window for my sister to return
An overwhelming sadness, my stomach in a churn.
She a half day at school and I have not yet started
I thought the fates were cruel that we were even parted
The sun glinting off the puddles, maybe we'll play outside
Or maybe play barbies or color if she wanted to stay inside.

From school she returns and asks mom can she go outside to play
I ask can I go and she replies "no, they're my friends and you're a baby anyway"
Two 5 year old girls waiting on the porch, am I losing my best friend?
I hide my disappointment for if I cry I will hear about it to no end
Mom tells her to wear rubber boots and change out of her school dress
It was in that moment I hatched a plan that was spiteful, I confess.

She stripped down to her underwear and began to gather up her stuff
When she couldn't find one of the boots she got herself in a huff
My sister has a temper and a full blown tantrum fully erupted
She began to yell, and started throwing things, until my dad interrupted
"This will cool you down", as he put her out on the porch and locked the door              
Standing outside in underwear, tears streaming, now with something to cry for.

Her friends look upon her, their faces register shock
If there was only a way that I could turn back the clock.
I stare again out the window, but this time at my beloved sister
My heart in so much pain that I'm sure it will certainly blister
I felt so bad, so dreadful, my stomach tied in one huge guilty knot
I slowly walk to the hamper to retrieve the boot from it's hiding spot.


*True story, vivid memory for a 3 yr old I know, but this affected me deeply.
I told her I hid the boot when we were teenagers, we had a great laugh.

For contest: "A Childhood Memory''


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Voodoo Doll

There's a person you'd like to curse,
so a voodoo doll, then make first;
Upon that doll now cast a spell, 
summoned from the wicked in hell;
Now you need some pins and needles,
bring the pain of pitch forked devils;
The length of pins make sure are long,
the devils pain will be more strong;
The more a needle's thick and round,
will make the pain be more profound;
Must take your victims' lock of hair,
attach it to the doll to wear;
The doll, up high, hold in the air,
Into the doll's eyes, you must stare;
Call the doll by your victims name,
while at the doll, the needle aim;
Curse the name as you stab it in,
twisting and turn it as you grin;
With needles stuck about the head,  
each needle deeply did embed;
With legs, all over, stuck with pins, 
you now must wish the curse begins.


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MACA SHY KIDS GET NO SWEETS

Being rather shy myself,i have took this onboard people from all walks of life, a differant approach toward many varieties blatant,cheeky,funny or just plain kind our good friend Maca,accumulates,and so this you will find. He could haggle a haggler at his height and win,hands down without no plight yet genorousity, thoughtfullness and he is so neat his old saying being " shy kids get no sweets" He has an air about him,that puts you ease is a ladys gentleman,sometimes a little tease in times of needs or trouble,he wouldn`t turn his back even when you`re being accused, of claiming his big mac. ;)
Paul Beadnall for: Sponsor Constance La France ` A Rambling Poet ~ Contest Name A Short Poem, Please DEDICATED TO ANDREW McPARTLAND .


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My Favorite Holiday

It seems my Christmas spirit has gone up in smoke,
‘Cause every single Christmas I always end up broke!

To give and get a gift or two, with little or no use,
But “it’s the thought that counts,” seems to be the best excuse!

It’s just another day to splurge on Mom’s Christmas feast,
With all our favorite relatives… and the ones we like the least!

So I’m poorer and fatter on yet another day…
Oh, what the heck; I’ll enjoy the wreck of my favorite Holiday!


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MEOWTSIDE

Oh boy, what a mistake!
Took my twin kitty's outside 
for the first time on a leash.
Tired and lazy, they became instantly awake.

Chasing butterflies, rolling in dirt
Having a good ole' domestic time
Just when I thought they were fine-
Into wildcats did they convert!
Done and bored with the play
They took to stalking prey.

My little babies who had never been outside
Personalities took a divide
went from cute and silly
to Jeckyll and Hyde!
Good thing Mama was there and they were tied!

I took them in before they got mean,
Five minutes later they were clawing at the screen!
"Meowtside!" they were chanting-
raving and ranting!
All the while I am running about the house panting
chasing to and fro
these crazy kitty's I didn't know anymore
My babies I adore-
Now all they wanted was freedom to rove and explore.

Hours later, they finally settled down
These beloved kids of mine-
Are never going out on the town!


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Suits And Ties

One of my boyhood dreams was to become a successful functionary,
With an office with a view, a fine oak desk and a pretty secretary!
To wear a suit and tie (to me) would be the pinnacle of success.
I was sick of wearin' brogans and overalls - I'd settle for nothin' less!

I suppose to a certain degree my youthful dreams came true.
For thirty years I wore a tie with the Air Force suit of blue.
Anon, the wearin' of a suit and tie had lost much of its appeal.
My discomfiture at wearin' a stranglin' tie became hard to conceal!

My spouse attributes my disdain for suits and ties as a lack of cultivation.
To not wear a suit and tie to church she considers an abomination!
I'll deign to wear such garb for a weddin' or funeral to be a tad more couth,
But I suffer thro' each excruciatin' minute of the ordeal to tell the truth!

Here in the wild west, a well-dressed dude wears scruffy boots and jeans.
Shucks, the feller could be a prosperous rancher and a man of means!
I'm in heavenly bliss wearin' my jeans sans a constrictin' suit and tie.
I feel as free as a golden eagle soarin' in the pristine Colorado sky!

I reckon that when I cease to function and bid my friends adieu,
That they'll insist on displayin' my mortal shell for everyone to view.
But if they dress me out in a daggone suit and especially a throttlin' tie,
There ain't no delicate way to express it - I'll just up and die!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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For the sake of sanity

I've had it up to here
life is so off track
hand me the remote
let's rewind it back

17 years old
I thought my life was hard
Well now I see the difference
'Cause now I am in charge

Companies are screaming
They get right my ear
"Miranda, pay your bills"
Clean your credit dear

Walk in the door
And I fall flat on my face
Toy's from crack to crevice
Completely out of place

Clean up this lovely mess
Get the kiddies off to bed
I try relaxing in the bath
To hear cries of "mama" in my head.

-Miranda Lambert-
for March Madness contest.


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Today is Monday

Today is Monday
What else can I say
Hate it as I may
I still need the pay

Today is Monday
Can’t keep my mood at bay
So please stay away
If you don’t want to be led astray

Today is Monday
Wish I can call it a day
Nothing I would say
Would make me happy and gay

Today is really Monday
When work cannot be shared
Nothing I can do but stare
Give me more if you dare

So..Monday please go away
I can’t bear you to stay
Quickly come Saturday
Time for me to play


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Flying Raisins

Flying raisins are in the air,there are flying raisins everywhere
I see them flying all around, I see them landing on the ground
I wish they would just go away, but they’ll just come back another day

I see them flying in the sky, I see them getting in my pie
I see them walking on my cake, I see them in everything I make
I wish they would just go away, but they’ll just come back another day

I find them in my cookie dough, I don’t know why they just won’t go
I do not like them can’t you see, flying raisins are all over me!

I don’t know where they come from, I just want them to leave
There’s three or four more on my shirt, and two more on my sleeve

Then I saw the open box, sitting high upon the rack
I pulled it down then turned it around, it said, “ CAUTION “ on the back

It said, not for use in cooking, such as cookies, cakes or pies
For I thought I bought a box of raisins, but they were laboratory flies


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Roast Dinner Sin

The smell is good
Just look at the pud
Gammon, Turkey and Beef
Life’s turned over a new leaf
A few balls of stuffing
They aint made of nuffing
Many calories they carry
It’s the sausages I want to marry
Grease torpedoes and crispy potatoes
We know where all that goes
Straight to the hips
For some taste bud kicks
Oh well
Diet go to hell.


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Fishing Buy The Pound

Finn and Mcgee
went fishing once more
With the money they saved up all year

They rented a cabin 
up by the lake
And filled it with fish bate and beer

For two weeks of fishing
They made it their mission 
To wake up and start at first light

With poles in their hands
They hardly could wait
For a big fish to come up and bit

Day after day
They fished and they fished
but barely got even a nibble

Then on the last day
McGee caught a trout
That apparently wasn't so fickle

Now on the way Home
Finn said to McGee
"You Know what this fish, has cost you...

...A thousand Quid"
"Well Finn, if it did
Then I glad I didn't catch two"


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Poetry Soup High School

There are times here on Soup it feels just like that..
And that is not a bad thing as I will soon chat..
We have class clowns that keep the smiles wide..
Way back in the class is Dave with his green hair he wants to hide..
In my homeroom sits a sultry Destroyer with rebel ties..
Another chair holds a Dreamweaver with ocean eyes..
The front row holds the sweet Nikko and lovely Wilma at the top of their class..
Then there is the flirty Sweetheart writing love notes that she will soon pass..
And don't forget our friend Chris whose small assignment is now as long
as War and Peace..
Ahh now if you're  searching for me I'm in the nurse's office , seems the
jealous boyfriends wouldn't let me be...



Written by "Me"
for Chris's Contest...


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Just Do It

I got my nickname in first grade
My memory of this will never fade

I'm 6 years old a whole world to see
mom says there's kids to play with me

I wonder if my friends will be there
Maybe they will save me a chair

I'm there now sitting in a school room
My friends aren't there I think I'm doomed

I'm sitting by a girl in the front row
She smiled at me, why?  I don't know

Then I felt it start, to my surprise
that funny feeling you get deep inside

You feel like a balloon about to burst
not now, please, let me put it in reverse

The harder I tried, the worse it gets
Think they will mind if I release it

If I let it go slow so they won't hear
Maybe, they won't smell it or shed a tear

It's to late, must let it go, it's just not fair
A loud long blast is coming from my chair

I closed my eye hoping nobody heard
then came that smell, it's like rotten curd

I open my eyes willing to face my fears
I see their holding their noses and in tears

Teacher asked me, Steve do you need to leave
The kids snicker, as they shout Stinky Steve






pooping contest :-) ((Don't Ask to go to the bathroom!)) 

entry 5-16-2012


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You Just Messed With The Wrong Text

Excuse me, I beg your pardon
Is that you who's been bombardin'
My sweethearts computer phone
Never leaving him alone
With cute little notes and sayings
My dear you better start praying
I don't find out what your name is
Because all your texting fingers
Will be broke one at a time
Never mess with what is mine
Pardon me did you just send
A pick of your bare rear end
With a really sexy text
To the guy I'm sitting next
You must like to live in fear
I warned you now just beware
I wont pardon these bad actions
I will get my satisfaction
No physical harm at all
I will make you take a fall
Since you like technology
Look on the web and you'll see
Your naked touche  being splattered
All across the web and scattered
Being shown to everyone
This has been a lot of fun


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GOD'S MOON PIE

If God would take the moon

And make it into a great pie,

The sweet aroma of spice

And green apple would fill the sky.

He’d begin with the careful peeling,

Making the globe shining apple-white.

Then He’d find fixins’ to get it just right.

He would count the servings needed

For the whole world to be satisfied,

And choose just the right flavoring

To set all differences of taste aside,

But with all due respect to the bakers’ pride.

To provide for all the world’s problems,

God gives his secret spiritual answers.

So to the seasoning of the apples,

He adds His nine flavor enhancers.

With perfection, God takes no chances.

There is a pinch of peace, joy, and love,

For that aroma that rises above.

Then there is the patience, gentleness and grace,

So that humankind need not eat in haste.

He wants all to sense the goodness in the taste.

Next faith, modesty and moderation He adds,

And then more love he sprinkles in scads.

Here below our appetites we whet,

Our stomach’s pits to be satisfied.

Thankful for every morsel we get,

Until convinced our Lord is glorified.

Soon one could hardly see a crumb.

But we have no need at all to fear,

For at the end of daylight’s trusty gleam,

The moon again is a shining sphere.


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How he killed her love

Here's a story, of a cheating con man.
Faithfulness, he does demand,
that's the way, hes got it planned.
He has her, eating from his hand.

He's a liar, and a cheat!
Gosh darn man, drives for weeks.
Never will be, hers to keep.
Better run girl! Its getting deep!


He's always gone, while shes at home.
His eyes, have been known, to roam.
While hes talking to her, on the phone,
all of a sudden, his service is gone!
He thinks, she will never know,
and besides, she wouldn't dare go.
Maybe, let a few tears flow,
Her true feelings, she won't show.


Hes a liar, and a cheat!
Gosh darn man, drives for weeks!
Never will be hers, to keep.
Better run girl! Its getting deep!


She wants his time and attention,
but this only causes, friction.
He wants her butt, in the kitchen,
and to stop, all that silly wishing!
Now, this girl isn't wise, for her years,
although, she knows, what she hears.
His unspoken words, only confirm her fears!
She just doesn't, Change his gears!

Hes a liar and a cheat!
Gosh darn man, drives for weeks.
Never will be, hers to keep.
Better run girl! Its getting deep!

Only so much, can she stand!
She wants a man, that will hold her hand.
Everyday, she won't live in dread.
A woman needs to, hold up her head!
Not worry about, her face being red...
Well now ,that's the story of
"How he killed, her love"
He should have, put her above,
not after, everything else, he does.
That's how, she became a was,
Cause, hes a liar, and a cheat!
Her heart no longer, his to keep!
Let the next one, kiss his feet!
This one has, admitted defeat!


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When I Was Sick

The Land Of Counterpane
Written by: Robert Louis Steveson

"When I was sick and lay a- bed
I had two pillows at my head
All my toys beside me lay
To keep me happy all the day"...Quoted..Robert Louis Stevenson

When I  Was Sick 
By Sara Kendrick

If I have missed reading you lines
Or failed to comment all the time
I have been blowing nose
And coughing crud and my breathing doesn't flow...  
I sound like the evening whistle
When it is about out of steam
A wheeze so loud it messes up my dreams
Maybe in a day or two
I will be able to get back to you


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Beef Stew

I sit at my computer musing and trying to compose meaningful verse.
Try as I might with Shakespearian panache my lines to intersperse,
With profound nuggets of enlightenment to attain universal fame,
My concentration is lost in a fog, like an ever-changing movie frame!

I suppose I could blame this dilemma on my dear, long-suffering spouse.
She's cooking beef stew for supper - the aroma is wafting about the house!
Now, how am I to concentrate on versifying when my palate is just itchin',
To delve into that delectable ambrosia she's slaving over in the kitchen!

Ah! I can hardly wait to taste that mouth-watering olio awaiting me!
She makes the best in town, tossing all kinds of stuff in that potpourri!
Of course there is the best of beef that she has tenderized and diced,
And the scrumptious gravy with exotic herbs she has liberally spiced!

She adds sweet peas, a tolerable amount of corn and russet pertaters,
And just enough onions for my taste, green peppers and fresh termaters!
Green beans, carrots and a tad of celery top off this fantastic brew!
Le Cordon Bleu Chef at the Ritz dare not concoct a more elegant stew!

Alas, I've wasted all afternoon trying to hatch up some credible rhyme,
But my thoughts have been consumed with that ragout laced with thyme!
Ah! My wife announces supper is ready so I'm gonna load my plate!
That poetic masterpiece I had in mind today will just have to wait!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Little Harvey Honeybee

My name is Harvey Honeybee, 
I like to buzz around,
I'm looking for some flowers,
But they're nowhere to be found!

I've been looking for days,
And lots of lonely nights,
And it surely seems,
Something has happened to my sights!

Where are all my buzzy friends,
I wonder where they could be?
I can still remember,
When they use to buzz with me!

Oh! I remember now!
I was caught in a jar!
And I must've been in it...
Longer than an hour!

I also remember!
I was caught in the summer!
Then turned loose into this winter cold!
While still in a slumber!

So I'd better go...
Before I freeze!
The wind is really cold!
And It's making me sneez-z-ze...AH-CH-O-O-O!!!

So I'll see ya later...
Because I want to stay alive...
Yes, I have to hurry...
And get back to my hive.


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Things Fifty

Fifty Cent, the rapper, sang “Get Rich or Die Tryin’.” Fifty-fifty: half a chance. Over fifty: dyin’! Golden is one's fiftieth anniversary. Soft porn: the "Fifty Shades of Grey" Trilogy. “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” “Fifty Dead Men Walking,” Fifty stars for fifty nifty states. Time to stop talking! For Shaz Cheesman's "50 Words" Poetry Contest


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My Lemon Stella

She was called, Stella, my little yella lemon! 
 
A Chevy Citation,you can only imagine my elation!

 She started almost ever time I needed her too.

 As long as the wires were crossed the fire flew!

 No horn and a rattle in the end.

 The hood was buckled with a slight bend.

 You had to turn the car off, to turn her wipers on. 

 The bumper was duck taped and her muffler was wired on, its true!

 It even quit more than a time or two!

 She was a stick shift and got rubber in one gear, which made her hard to steer!

 Drivin’ down the road she would sway to the radio’s greatest hits

 Getting her grove on until a pot hole punched her dance ticket 

 and there we sit! Not to worry I cleaned her battery cable and post 

 once I got her to coast, the motor finally hit, her rods a 

 knockin’, and  we were back on the road listening to our radio and a rockin’!


For contest: Driven Me Crazy


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Creaky Bones


Creaky bones, I must be getting old. Creaky bones, But I will not be told. Creaky bones, Those stairs are hard to climb. Creaky bones, I will not moan and whine. Creaky bones, Bending to tie up shoes. Creaky bones, Waiting in those long queues. Creaky bones, Once young, now aging fast. Creaky bones, Soon I’ll have that free bus pass. Creaky bones.


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The Air Traffic Controller Loses It

The Air Traffic Controller Loses It

By Elton Camp

In a job where there's lots of stress
It is all too easy to create a mess

Bob was so exhausted he flipped out
And forgot what his job was all about

He sent the same message to every plane
No longer on the ground need you remain

Every single plane waiting out there 
Immediately soared up into the air

But that didn't work any too well
And the pilots in anger did yell

However, the airport was clear in a snap
The tired Air Traffic Controller took a nap


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The Parking Garage

I took my mother to the doctor just the other day.
An odyssey of sorts and an adventure I must say.
We came down from the mountain to the city about nine.
In spite of some construction work we made it there on time.

We entered the garage and slowly started up the screw.
Looking for a spot, knowing there would be so few.
Another parking pickle, we would have our work cut out.
A predicament of parking, and a challenge without doubt.

Up to level three and still we couldn’t find a place.
And then right to the left, finally, an empty space.
But it was not to be, it was an empty spot mirage.
A motorcycle parked inside a parking space garage.

We kept on going up to level four, the color green.
It certainly was the most crowded that we’d ever seen.
And then a possibility, a space just to the right.
Zooming in, I saw it, like radar in my sight.

But disappointment struck again, it was the old routine.
A car parked in two spaces, now I started feeling mean.
Now why the heck did they not park inside the yellow lines.
They’re lucky they do not give out illegal parking fines.

Finally, we found one, such a treasure to behold.
A place to rest our weary car, a story to be told.
We slipped right in the vacant spot, with smiles upon our faces.
Amazing how such happiness is brought by parking spaces.

Then just before our lights were off the pressure had begun.
For it was not yet over, not nearly were we done.
A yellow car was waiting with its high beams burning bright.
The older couple looking very desperate – what a sight.

‘No,’ I shook my head we have just now pulled in this spot.
Their faces turned from desperate into angry, twisted knots.
Then slowly they drove past me with a fire in their eyes.
I quickly stepped aside for not a thing would have surprised.

And then ten seconds later a big motor bike arrived.
The driver had a look that seemed to me to be contrived.
What could the man be thinking, to park right by my side?
My look said, ‘Don’t you try it, keep on stepping with your ride!’

Finally, we walked away, car parked, alarm turned on.
Heaven knows what antics would occur while we were gone.
Behind us was a long parade of drivers and their plights. 
Like prisoners, all trapped, inside a sea of blinking lights. 


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Mosquitoes

In the summertime we all fear,
that certain bug that we can't hear.
Like a vampire with wings it comes in the night,
sometimes it feels like they take a pint.
You scratch the itch until it's raw,
there should be some kind of law!
To eradicate this bug before I die,
Ouch! I think one just bit my eye!
Those rotten mosquitoes are on a roll,
maybe I should move to the North Pole.


JSergi


Contest : Relate to on of these Quotes

#7 Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?  Anonymous


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Let Laughter In

Let laughter fill my very soul
Seek out my every need
That's why I choose clown as my role
This is my living creed

When life has given those hard knocks
Just tell me something funny
I want to think outside the box
That's worth much more than money

There's something humorous each day
To give us light within
Just watch your kids or pets at play
It's bound to make you grin

If circumstance is gripping you
Let laughter in,find peace
Let go the pain that's riding through
And all that angst will cease














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It'll be OK

Don’t worry. The head of British Gas will take a pay cut. Your favourite watering hole will never shut. There may be acid rain because the ozone layer is kaput, But someday it’ll be OK. Don’t worry. Elvis Presley will announce that he is well and truly dead. You will be given a wage to stay in bed. There may be squatters in your garden shed, But someday it’ll be OK. Don’t worry. There’ll be a non-stop funfair in your local park. Granny muggers will prowl the streets in the dark. There may be need to build a fall-out Ark, But someday it’ll be OK. Don't Worry Leicester City will achieve the Cup and League double. Politicians will resign when in trouble. You may have to live in a pollution-free bubble, But someday, it’ll be OK. Don’t worry. Lady Gaga will become the Antichrist (or Pope). Cliff Richard will crack and start smoking dope. You may have to listen to another Tim Vine Joke, But someday it’ll be OK. Don’t worry. Footballers will not dispute the yellow card. Salman Rusdie will not need an armed guard. The next London airport may be New Scotland Yard, But someday it’ll be OK.


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THE OPPOSITE SEX

It's weird to think to be the opposite sex
take it from one who knows best...
being a boy is much more fun and wild,
but being a girl will destroy my manhood!


No chasing after gorgeous girls with beautiful hair;
no asking for dates and kiss by candlelight,
no showing off those muscles of might...
becoming fragile and feminine: a real nightmare!


Some boys dress up as girls wearing wigs and earrings;
I couldn't see myself and slowly walk on high heels,
I'll break my nose and look like a bleeding hooker...
so sorry for having tried that and excited an onlooker!  


All I will say, " A guy can never be a gal, and a gal never a guy. "
Have that sex change, get rid of your body hair ...
and you still be despised and given the evil eye!
This is my motto, " Born a man, always a man: straight or bear! "  


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Typically Luke Poem 6 - BUBBLE TROUBLE

Luke always likes To try out something new And today he decided That he would drink shampoo Of course it made him feel quite sick But that’s the least of all his troubles Because now every time he opens his mouth Out float a million bubbles And bubbles come from his nose And bubbles come from his ears And now every time he cries He cries bubbles instead of tears I don’t think he will again Put shampoo in his tum Especially now that bubbles Are coming from his bum Though I suppose there is a bright side He’s sure to impress his friends When they see that Luke Can blow bubbles from both ends.


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A Girls Night Out

A girls night out,guys,can be quite a drag,
Going on a prom date,walk with a sleeping bag,
To show off your date,to boast and brag,
Sit patiently on the coach,like a good little lad,,,

A girls night out,can be quite a scare,
Searching the closet,for what cloths to wear,
Hours in front the mirror,fixing face and hair,
One smudge on her nails,she screams in fear,,,

A girls night out,can be so sweet,
Well put together,she looking cute,you looking neat,
Silky in your arms,and light on her feet,
Goodnight kiss on your cheek,races your heart beat,,,

A girls night out,doesn't always,ends in a bang,
When the girl you take out,dad,is the towns hangman,
Return the kiss on her cheek,a squeeze of her hand,
Goodnight Mr.Palmer,I brought her home before one,,,


               Darren Watson contest,,,,
               ,,,A Girls night Out,,,


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I wish I had headlice

I wish I had headlice, so I'd get out of work for a day.
I wish I had headlice, to play hookey, I say
I wish I had headlice, I could trick-or-treat alone
I wish I had headlice, I'd get more loot per home!!
I wish I had headlice, I'd get the block to myself
I wish I had headlice, My candy, My wealth!!
I wish I had headlice, my candy stash would be SOOO BIG!!
But mostly, quite honestly, I wish I had headlice,
'Cause some jerk stole my EFFING WIG!!!!

(TRUE STORY!!)


*for the "Show me the Funny" contest!*


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Concerned

Their are certain words being said that many people neglect hear. They are often repeated many times everyday to me this seems kind of weird. One of the words that concerns me is in fact that very word. A word I've been hearing for so many days this peculiar word concerned. On television, radio, and in conversations everywhere I go it is said. This peculiar word so often repeated it's always popping into my head? Now that I've passed it on to you when you hear it, you might become concerned? Or you could just laugh, and think of me the listener for the word, concerned.
Danny Kearley 7-22-14


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I Smell a Skunk

I think, I thunk
I smell a skunk

Oh no!  I do-
It smells peeeuuuuw!

Oh yick, Oh yuck-
It’s just my luck

It sprayed its spritz
At my dog Fritz

Mom!  We need more
Tomato juice


By Susan Burd © 2012


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Who Done It

What happened to poor Easter Bunny, was it murder, misfortune or fate?
What to tell the children when the treats are unforgivably late.......

It could have been the tooth fairy, accidently raining teeth as she flew by
Poor Bunny pierced by sharp teeth, extremely deadly from way up high

It could have been Cupid, letting his haphazardly arrows fly
Poor Bunny punctured by a miscalculated arrow gone awry 

It could have been Jack Frost, getting in his last frost before the end of the year
Poor Bunny frozen solid, all that is left sticking out from the snow... a lone ear

It could have been St. Patrick, preaching Christianity in Bunny's ear
Poor Bunny died of an aneurysm hearing bible stories so severe.

It could have been Jack-o-lantern with numerous carvings meant to scare
Poor Bunny had a heart attack, frightened to death, and he without healthcare.

It could have been Santa, driving reckless with mounds of gifts to deliver everywhere
Poor Bunny trampled by reindeer, that he was unable to hop any faster, is so unfair

Which story will you tell your child....why the Easter Bunny comes no more?
Will you confess, that you led your child astray with fabled stories of folklore.


Contest name ~ Clue: Who Murdered the Easter Bunny?
Sponsor ~ Lisa Cooper Poetessdarkly

03-14-2013


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I'll Have Mine With Ice, Please

There lies poor Miss Ghoulish
She lost her head acting foolish
She lived too merry, a bit contrary
Struck down in youth by getting old
Would not concede when she was told
By Doctor Jones to put on hold
Her winter trip where it was cold!

Without expertise, she bought some skis
She took a leap from the snow-capped peaks
And broke her neck, but what the heck
She had her fun, and, what’s done is done!

                                        
Beneath the mounds, she was not found!
Below one cliff, she’s frozen stiff!
They say she's pickled...one big popsicle!                                  

                                              
Now, ain’t life fickle?


......................................
Inspired By Natalie's Contest: "Die a Fun Death"


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A Christmas Dinner Memory

Listening to the roosters crow brings thoughts
Memories of when I was very young
There was a rooster who wasn't store-bought
He had strong masculine traits and strong lungs

He would loudly crow, strut, and fight the best
The day he flew at me and tried to spur
Was the day his name became the fowl pest
On Christmas Eve he met his fate_ yes, sir
  
'Pon that fated day he crowed his last crow
His fancy strutt in the pot mom did stir
The feet, the neck, tips of wings she did throw
When those were done, dumplings she did transfer

The meal was done and all sat down to eat
Mom passed the dumplings around and served me
In the dumplings on my plate landed his feet
Laughter around the table showed our esprit


Sponsor: Francine Roberts
Contest: Christmas Dinner With Humor
Completed 12/17/12
Minimum 12 lines
Christmas day the rest was boiled and dressing made...
Rhyme


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New Years Resolutions

Well, it's again that time to make a fresh start,
Concoctin' another lot of resolutions to impart.
I'll try to come up with some that are easy to surmount,
And perhaps this year actually carry them out!

Toppin' my list I resolve to buy a new scales.
When I mount the one I own, it never fails.
Tellin' me that I weigh more than I think I should.
My understandin' of this dilemma is not at all understood!

To lessen calories, fats and such I'll curtail my food intake,
Therefore, I'll consume no hamburgers, pizzas or chocolate cake.
I'm sure this restriction won't apply to eatin' gobs of ice cream,
But if it does, somehow, I'll have to create a devious scheme!

To please my spouse and appear more reputable,
And I suppose it might be more socially acceptable,
For church I'll deign to wear a stiflyin' tie and coat,
Sufferin' through interminable sermons clutchin' at my throat!

Even with the best of intentions to keep these pledges should I fail,
And in my lackadaisical attempts they should come to no avail,
The Lord willin' I'll be around come this time next New Year,
To contrive new resolutions to which I pledge to adhere!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in Carolyn Devonshire's "New Years Resolutions" Contest - Dec 2010



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Job Change

You know, I thought changing one’s job would be easy,
To start a new vocation would be breezy.
I got me local newspaper, looking for a job as a sparky, (electrician)
But I said “what the F-ck, these ads were written by a sarky.”

The first job was an “Almond Knocker,”
Now this sounds as sleazy as sniffing used jockstraps in a locker.
Who wants to look for an almond the shape of a woman’s top half of her anatomy, 
But, looking at women’s breast to find one that looks like an almond, appeals to me.

The second job was a “Blind Hooker,”
Now what can I say, that’s a woman’s job and boy she’ll have to be a looker.
She would be the cheapest thrill you’d ever have 
You can imagine the police chasing her as she is lead by her all eye seeing sat nav.
Nope not for me…

Uuhh! Here’s one for me, “Bosom Presser”
Squeeeezing them breasts from the largest to the lesser.
I gave them a call straight away
Only to find out the job was not really that way
Dam!

The next one was, what the f-ck? a “Dike Stoneman”
Well I don’t think any man can
This must be a woman bouncer for a happy club ( I hope this is more politically 
correct than saying “Gay”)
The one you greet say “Hey Bud”

Well later I googled the titles and yes you right, I was wrong,
I suppose me old job will be lifelong
Overworked, under paid
Oversexed under laid

Here are a few more jobs I came across, an “Egg Smeller, Chicken Sexer, Pillow Girl
:-) , Butt maker, , Fire Drier (never heard of wet fire) and for all you animal lovers out 
there, Frog Shaker, Monkey Tail Puller and those who don’t change their underwear, 
a Skid Marker

 


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The Continuing Evolution Of Man

Man began life as a microbe Swimming in the sea Evolved into a fishy thing Swimming fast and free Then for some odd reason Decided it’s time to go ashore Developed things to walk upon Not two, not three but four Finally standing upright Though not quite standing tall Developed into a hairy beast Known as a Neanderthal Man developed hunting skills Discovered fire too Then eventually became Something that resembles me and you But man continues to evolve With greed their bellies grow big The next step on the evolutionary ladder Man will become a giant pig And it won’t be a million years or so That greedy man will grow big and fat Man has already reached that stage Every woman will tell you that


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The Da Vinci Mode

                                  Uncouth, unschooled in art, 
                                          that's what you'll say of me,
                                  You know, I've tried so hard, 
                                          but I still have to see
                                  da Vinci's Mona Lisa's mythic, 
                                          mystic smile
                                  bewitching folks allegedly 
                                          even from a mile.

                                  It looks to me she parts 
                                          her lips so daintily
                                  to let a drunken hiccup out 
                                          so gracefully,
                                  or stop a vulgar burp, 
                                          hyperacidity,
                                  or hide those nicotine-blackened 
                                          teeth artfully.

                                  But honestly, nothing in her 
                                          mouth's symmetry
                                  remotely resembles a smiling 
                                          mystery,
                                  perhaps she's toothless, some 
                                          dental deformity,
                                  believe you me, I took up 
                                          ortho-dentistry!


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When the Boss Says See Me

When the Boss Says, “See me”

By Elton Camp

Abner eyed the sticky note on his report with unease
In twenty years with the firm, hadn’t seen one of these

Grapevine was saying the boss had a nephew to hire
But before he could do that, someone he must fire

Could Abner expect, for his work, a sense of loyalty?
He knew that it wouldn’t be long before he would see

Trembling with fear, he sat in his little cubicle for a while
Trying to collect his thoughts for when put under trial

After a bit, he decided that he couldn’t put it off anymore
As if walking the last mile, he stood outside the boss’ door

Abner rapped on the door and the boss called him in
Boss didn’t shake his hand & there was no trace of a grin

“Fellow, I’ve been checking your work last month or two.
And I feel that I am required to tell you what is so true.”

Abner took a deep breath for what he knew would come
He was about to be put on the road by that pompous bum

At his age, it might be impossible for him a job to locate
And to have to tell his family was what he did most hate

“Abner, even more than in the past, your work is outstanding.
So it is a promotion, private office, and raise I am handing.”


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Chickens Have Rights Too

Well, I read in the paper today that Senator Feinstein has again gone berserk!
With the plethora of problems we have, she wants to give chickens a perk!
Never mind that millions of souls are out of work and on food stamps rely!
She opts to pursue the plight of chickens ignoring the needs of we small "fry!"

Seems she deems chickens' cages far too small for them to flap their wings!
The Constitution provides for freedom of speech and religion among other things,
But danged if I was aware that chickens had any such Constitutional rights!
This is taking our precious freedoms to unexplored and dangerous heights!

Perhaps "Maam" Feinstein is wooing votes from chicken pressure groups,
Crying "foul" for the right to improve living conditions in their cozy coops!
Her legislation increases fowls' living area to 144 square inches of space!
She deems the way egg-laying hens now exist is an utter disgrace!

Let me hasten to say that for all of God's creatures I have great compassion,
But the nation is headed for Hades!  Must the quandary of hens be our passion?
Her statute requires eggs to be labeled so we'll know how hens were raised.
And the size of henhouses must be increased!  La-de-da and the Lord be praised!

Senator, may I suggest that you find something more productive to do,
Such as protecting our borders and providing for the hungry and homeless too!
I don't recall that chickens can vote!  (Perhaps that is open for future debates!)
Yours is a "half-cracked" plan being dished out on our overly-saturated plates!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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I Hate Being Sick

I hate being sick,
I don't do it well.
My private pity party
Is going just swell.

I cough and I sneeze,
My nose is running away.
I've taken my cold meds
Trying to keep it at bay.

I hate having a cold
And feeling so weak.
At least this fever
Has reached it's peak.

I must end this poem now,
You know how it goes.
It's time to get up again 
And go blow my nose.


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The Object of My Desire

The more time spent with her,
The more that I thirst.
Her fragrance spells my doom,
Once pretense has been burst.

She's the salt of my earth
Her taste makes my heart run
Her kiss forbidden fruit,
I can't have just one.

She moves with crepetation
Yet her sound is still sweet
She's a visual beauty
She looks good enough to eat.

I savor each curve and ripple
With a touch of my lips.
She's not just all that,
She's an actual bag of chips!


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GOLDEN YEARS

Once sailing the high and might seas
Now I get blown over by a breeze
Could reach the stars now I can't reach my knees
Check my pants every time I sneeze
When my knees rub together it brings me to tears
Doctor says I have to limit my beers
Getting medical tests just heighten my fears
So why the hell do they call these the GOLDEN YEARS
If I don't wear glasses, I just can't see
When I get up in the morning, I just can't pee
It's almost impossible to bend my knee
My chastity belt ain't got no key
Doctor said I won't tell you no lie
You're going to live until the day you die
And the longer you live, the richer am I
If you ever lose medicare I'm going to cry
These are the GOLDEN YEARS. Let's celebrate
Bran muffins and prunes on a paper plate
Metamucil doesn't taste that great
A moving experience. that's my fate.


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Smile Away

How many people out there hate my smiling face? Since I now show up with it, in just about every place. To those that may be sad I bring it to cheer you up. To those that made me smile with words I leave it to tell you I can't get enough. I mean what could possibly be so bad, to let you know the thoughts on my mind. For some day you may no longer see me, and my smiling face you will no longer find.
Dan Kearley:12-2-11 :o)


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A Drunken Clown Poet

This is really kind of a sad story But please sit yourself down For the words I'm going to bestow upon you Will make you feel your watching a drunken clown As I bow to gracefully greet you My silly hat suddenly slips from my head As I look to the ground and try to focus on it I feel as if I should have stayed home in bed Bending over I slowly reach for it Then feel my face suddenly kissing the ground Now the happy smile that I painted on my face Has been smeared into a big ugly frown Standing back up and trying to gather myself I slowly begin to reach into my empty hat But the dove that was supposed to be hidden in there Is no longer where it should be at So I reach to my sleeve for some flowers Only to notice they are no longer there I happen to pull out some fine ladies undies To my amazement I think,what a nice pair Then I reach to my other sleeve for something Though so afraid of what it might be I pull out a picture of my drunken self standing In a photo box by a bar,casually taking a pee In such embarassment I then begin to stumble These big floppy shoes are too heavy for me today I then reach into my pocket to find this here poem Leaving me wonder,how will I to pay off my bar tab this way
Danny Boy Kearley:1-14-13 Not at all a true story..Ha,ha... Just some silly words from my head(Hic-up) :o)


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Stolen Thoughts

I've seen pieces of it in my head,
Not together but it's there.
All of a sudden it disappears
Blackened thoughts fill the air.
Creativity turns to despair,
As writers block takes a bow,
               "WOW"
Another stolen premier...


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Jack Ace, Jackass

He’s 
cool,
jack of all trades
master of none,
as he manipulates 
women for fun.

He’s
cold, 
ice in his veins
and slick lil' snake,
he'll kill ta' steal the deal
real as he's fake

He’s 
cruel,
crowned heart breaker 
full trophy case,
but most ladies know him as
"Lowly Jack-Ace"


This is RHYME METER~


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Ode to a Green Hat

The green cuisine will make you lean.
Like Jeanne, Christine, or age eighteen.
Sardines, soybeans, along with greens
Will help you fit in smaller jeans.
The diet scene, you've seen umpteen!
You've worked out on the green machine.
Being lean they say is supreme.
Like if you are a strong marine.
Or when he rubs on your sunscreen.
But if you're fat and seem obscene,
Be sure to wear a hat that's green.
The color green is so serene.
And sparkles in the sunlight's sheen.
Eat: kale, spinach and collard greens
Or buy a great big hat thats green!

© March 1, 2012
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen

Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest:  The Colors Have It 
Sponsor	Russell Sivey


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Dandy Don Johnson

Here's to you, Dandy Don, ol' mate!

   We in Soup jes' think you're great!

Ye who dwell in the land of the dingo,

   'ave learned us to speak native Aussie lingo!

Our kindest regards to yer dog Bungeye Jack.

   'e does a kindness in warmin' yer back!

Don't tipple too much good ol' Foster Brew,

   For like a boomerang, 'twill come back to nettle you!

Keep on crankin' out them ballads fer our delight,'

   And ol' Bob Hopeless'll see what he can write.

It's gittin' late so I'm gonna knock off and hit the hay.

   Take care of yerself and Bungeye Jack and fer now, G'Day!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired


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ANTS

ANTS ON A HILL

A little way of tiny life,
insects which are not easy to sight.
Follow me, I'll follow you.
Easy to spot in daylight
Sticking together without glue,
 sneaking in cracks at night.
Walking around with no clue!
Stepping on them left to right.
To their queen they are true.
They don't seem to be very bright.
Walking in a straight line is all they do.
Everything to them is a meal,
even the meat on me or you.
Ants on a hill,
I stand here by Chance.
Ants on a hill,
I can't stand still.
Ants on a hill,
Making me dance,
Ants on a hill,
Their mean bite is real.
Ants on a hill, 
My legs I scratch.
Someone give me some gasoline and a match.
Ants on a hill,
Who I will burn and smash!

       I.T.
S.K.A.T. POETRY


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Seemed Like A Routine Day

Being a nurse I had a good understanding of medications for pain, Explained to my Obstetrician I wanted everything, I was not insane, This was my first baby and being in healthcare had very few perks, I’d be given an epidural when the time came, but not by any jerks. Worked full-time then started maternity leave 2 weeks before my due date, Of course I sat at home for another 5 weeks, oh my first baby was really late. I read every book in the library and cleaned my house more than one time, Everyday the neighbours would drop by, I was tired of the door bell chime. Walked into the hospital to have a non-stress test, done every other day, My doctor laid his hand on me and asked “how long have you been this way” I replied “ for about 11 months, you should know you’ve seen me every week” He firmly instructed the nurse to call my home, for my husband they must seek. My husband knowing my test was routine, had driven to town to go to the Gym, What is that you say dear doctor, “I’m fully dilated, I’m soon going to be slim” Well first I’ll I just zip home to grab my luggage and I promise I just zoooom, What’s that- “I’m bypassing the labour and going straight to the delivery room” So I hopped onto the table, took deep breaths and put my feet in the snare When finally my dear husband arrived ~ with more than five minutes to spare “It’s a beautiful girl with dark hair, 8 lbs 7 oz ” I heard the delivery room nurse say, My love has never been stronger, my greatest moment, our most memorable day. Written by Lee Ramage October 6, 2011 For Frank Herrera’s contest “One Stand Out Day” Won 4th place


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When a Monster Comes to Visit

It’s midnight and your sleeping
When someone knocks upon your door
Who could be there at this hour?
No one’s come this late before

You grab your robe and slippers
And shuffle across the floor
All the while you are thinking
Who’s that knocking at my door?

As you reach the door you hesitate
You don’t know who’s outside
It could be a thief or mugger
Should I run or should I hide?

Then the knock comes even louder
Your heart is pounding in your chest
Sweat is dripping off your forehead
And you can’t catch your breath

So you peek out through a curtain
And can’t believe your eyes
There’s a monster starring at you
With red and glowing eyes

And then you see him smile
As he motions toward your door
He wants to come inside
But what on earth for

Maybe he’s just hungry
He might want a late night snack
If I feed him and I’m nice
Will he keep coming back

So you open the door a little
Not much but just a crack
And your heart jumps from your chest
When you see what’s looking back

He’s ten foot tall and hairy
From his head down to his toes
His eyes are red and glowing
And he says his name is, “ROSE!”


My big hairy monster
That came knocking at my door
Isn’t all that scary
Not to me not anymore

He’s not a he at all
He’s a girl you see
And all she wants is cookies
Cookies and hot tea

So we sat at the table
And talked till after four
Then Rose said, “thank you oh so much”
And I said, “come back again for more”

So when a monster comes to visit
Make some cookies and hot tea
I know she’s big a scary
But Rose is sweet to me


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Paper Or Plastic, Sir

Standing in line at Wally-world I suffered through this exchange of views.
The cashier asked the man in front of me, "Which of these will you choose?
Paper or plastic for you, sir?" and with a snarl he said, "Plastic will do for me!"
Then he proceeded to proclaim for all to hear, the plight of the forest tree!

"Don't you know that cuttin' down all them trees will leave the forests bare,
Deprivin' them poor hooty owls of a place to roost - now don't you really care?
Just think of them dwindlin' rain forests that supports monkeys, birds and such!
But them greedy companies keep cuttin' and sawin' - they're so outta touch!"

The gum-chewing cashier looked him dead in the eye and had this to say:
"My old man has been a lumberjack fer twenty years and works hard fer his pay!
I don't give a hoot about yer owls, yer rain forests or yer ring-tailed monkeys!
I ain't politically correct and you can relay that to all yer tree-huggin' junkies!"

I clutched my loaf of Wonder bread trying to look nonchalant, staring into space.
(We were in an express lane - he had two full carts, showing his lack of grace!)
Should this get out of hand I expected to hear, "Cleanup on Express Lane Five!"
I was beginning to wonder if both parties were apt to come out of this alive!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in Susan Burch's "Paper Or Plastic" Contest - March 2012


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Enough Said the male Bird to his Wife

Ye….
Bu….
Ye..
Woman, shut your trap
I can’t get a word in edge ways because of your flap
Let me speak and you will see
It was another bird having an affair who looked like me

Shut your clanging man hole, for goodness sake
Me head is splitting, give me a break
Now you will suffer from lockjaw 
As I clamp your beak with my left claw

Who the hell is this other female bird?
I would not cheat on you that would be absurd
Look around we all look alike
Do something useful like loose weight, get a bike
If you keep making a scene I’ll take a hike

Don’t you dare flap your wings at me
With your tweet, tweet, tweet twittering 
Leave me alone, get a life
Oh forgive me madam, wrong wife…


** Francine Roberts’ contest**


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Of monster, fish burger, Casper and I

As I sit and stare at the computer,
An image appeared makes me shudder,
An ugly humongous red-eyed monster,
Looking at me I wonder what it mutters.

As I sit and stare at the computer,
I grow hungrier and hungrier,
There is one enormous fish burger,
Looking at me with come hither.

As I sit and stare even longer,
Gosh! This time I see an image even bigger,
Of a Casper but absolutely fatter,
With all smile and cute laughter.

Oh! As I sit still and stare with disbelief,
Then something strikes me and I feel relief,
They are nothing more I must admit,
Of who else but none other the reflections of me.


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The Grammar Nazis Will Get You

The Grammar Nazis Will Get You

By Elton Camp

The grammar police are on patrol
Writings they seldom will extol

For how can they possibly commend
A preposition at a sentence’s end

Your write they have so much hated
For it violated a rule now antiquated 

Should a comma be put out of place
They react as if it’s a major disgrace

If a spelling error you should make,
It’s, “Oh my, for goodness sake!”

To show their victims that you care,
Comfort with, “There, they’re, their.”


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Ode to the Computer Keyboard

Ode to the Computer Keyboard

By Elton Camp

It was on a manual typewriter that I learned to key
The keyboard’s function was obvious as could be

A computer keyboard, to me, isn’t the same way
For what some of the key do, I can’t possibly say

About half I comprehend of keys called F1 to F12
Into ESC, Scroll Lock, Pause, Break I don’t delve

Perhaps they do all kinds of absolutely great stuff
But for an old man like me, they are way too tough

ESC stands for “Escape” said the computer geek
If it escapes, then I guess he would have to seek

If I should see this useless key trying to get away
I’d just say, “It’s goodbye and good riddance today.”


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GO AHEAD, LAUGH

What's in a sound, that has no word
But to our souls and spirits it’s the best thing heard
Laughter is a pleasant sound, 
It spreads joy all around.
Whether you're young or old, laughter can be like magic to our souls
Even with a joke to a boring person laughter can control
A cure for something that seems impossible to endure
Laughter comes spontaneously
And makes you happier instantly
I think worry is an invisible tumor 
But it can be cured by humor 
To giggles, sniggers, chuckles, mutters, murmurs, and mumbles
I laugh so hard my words start to stutter and stumble
Who could not love the sound of laughter to it there is such a happy ring
And the simple gift of laughter it is such a wonderful thing
Laughter is the best medicine
While crying is an unforgivable sin
To laugh is always such great fun 
It relieves the soul, the heart, and the lungs 


“The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.” 
 Shirley MacLaine
 








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Stay Away From The Chuck

I will no longer be trying to cook a hearty Chuck roast For it usually ends up dry,and about as dry as burnt toast I tried so many ways to cook this hunk of meat Though in the end the results,are definitely no treat That cut of meat to me doesn't seem to be the best For it never turns out,quite as good as the rest I know how to cook them,steady,slow,and low And to use a slowcooker is the best way to go If your going to make a roast,use a rump,a round,or a sirloin tip Stay away from those Chuck roasts,and it will surely be a hit I guess their is no one to blame for these mishaps you see For I was the only one cooking them,Chef Danny,that's me
Dannyboy:9-7-12 :oP


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Poor Tortoise

I am a tortoise
With rigor mortis
I lived in a fortress
Where my walls were porous

I hate to be morbid
As I float out in orbit
But my owner tied me to a rocket
And now I head straight for Polaris


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To Laugh Or Not To Laugh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laugh at me or laugh with me,
It's really up to you.
I prefer the latter,
It's the 'funner' thing to do!

Is it funny or is it not?
Depends on how you see.
But, a little bit of laughter
Can fill a room with glee!

Text someone an 'lol',
Or simply say 'haha!'
Either way, you'll make 'em smile
Instead of 'wah, wah, wah!'

So try a little laughter,
And do it right away!
It's sure to change your outlook,
And brighten up your day!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Entered in Desiree Birdseye's contest
"Reconsidering Laughter"


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Zoo Poo Doo

On my recent vacation I went to the nearby zoo.
While there a monkey hit me with a pile of poo.
I loudly complained to the zoo’s senior employees.
They told me that I was lucky an elephant hadn’t peed on me.
Then a giraffe spat a wad of goop on me, but I was really glad it wasn’t poop.
The worst part of the trip, by far, was seeing a naked fat man with a hula hoop.


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Eve Tried to Kill Bob

Eve tried to kill Bob with a broken door knob last Friday at noon when he popped her balloon. She had a big fit. Did you hear about it? Yes, she’d stewed and she’d stewed since bob was so rude. Since bob was so rude, yes, she’d stewed and she’d stewed. Did you hear about it? She had a big fit when he popped her balloon. Last Friday at noon, with a broken doorknob, Eve tried to kill Bob. A Palindrome poem with four palindrome words: Eve, Bob, noon, and did! Written By Andrea Dietrich for David Williams' Palindrome mad Poetry Contest


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Paper or Plastic


Kroger, Winn-Dixie, Piggly Wiggly, or Harvey's
All great places to shop
But when the clerk queries 'paper or plastic'
My demeanor makes a terrible hop

I envision my eggs being broken
My 'Little Debbie' cakes soggy and wet
I get upset close to croakin'
But I calm down quickly and don't fret

The clerk gets a real sweet 'no thank you'
And I flash her a dazzling smile
I purchased canvas bags that will do
'Cause I've gone green and in style


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Never Let Your Sheep Go Out Unless He's With a Friend

Never let your sheep go out, unless he's with a friend
For many sheep who walk alone come to a sticky end
Because a woolly bleat for help won't reach the police
Who are not resourced anyway to save a woolly fleece.

What happens to them? Who can tell? The mystery is deep
No one knows just what becomes of loosely roaming sheep
But, tonight, if you go out into the town, it's sure
You will not see a sheep about - they don't go anymore.

So, your little sheepie friend, inside is best to keep
And watch the telly or play games until he falls asleep
There is no need to tie him up or otherwise restrained
He will not miss the nightlife if you keep him entertained.

It's strange to think that once before in days now long ago
Sheep would fill the city streets, as they passed to and fro
While taverns rang with sheepsong amidst woolly ovine cheers
As tales were told of sheeps of old, 'cross tables full of beers.

Yes, they were noisy, they were loud and they could be uncouth
And flocks would often pick fights with some of the local youth
But there was grace and strangely charm and also something dear
In species meeting in a bar, to have a friendly beer.

Those times have gone and, it may be, they do not come again
And we will all be poorer, yet, in ways we can't explain
Those happy sheep, those drunken sheep, the swaying homeward trot
As they returned to country beds - they soon will be forgot.


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Bingo







‘BINGO’

I waited and waited, my heart thumped like mad,

I didn’t know whether to be glad, or sad.

Terrified my voice would leave me, and go,

I still waited, each ball came out so slow,

With each ball the man picked up,

I thought this one will bring me luck,

On and on, ball after ball

All I needed was ball number 25.

I could hardly breath, I had tears in my eyes,

All I needed to make that call,

For £200,000 was one little white ball.






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A Can of Peaches

She was a kleptomaniac,
His wife of thirty years.
The risks she took for stuff of little value
Had all but driven him to tears.

She had such low regard for the risk;
Always said, “If I’m caught, I’ll pay.”
“But what if they’re not satisfied?” he’d ask.
She just smiled and said, “That’ll be the day.”

When first they met, he thought her just young and wild;
And, after all, it really did no one any harm.
It was fun to watch her be so sneaky,
Kind of a sexy part of her appealing charm.

The stuff she stole was so petty,
But she seemed to have such fun.
After all, it wasn’t for the stuff she stole,
But for the thrill of what she’d done.

As time had passed, he had finally realized
It was a sickness, not just a game to play.
She’d steal something almost everywhere she went,
And she went somewhere almost every day.

So, it had gotten old and tiresome, completely out of hand.
His pleas of “Get some help.” she would ignore;
Tho’ she might have thought better of it
If she had known what was in store.

While grocery shopping, she tried to steal a can of peaches.
They caught her, called the cops, sent her off to jail.
She called her embarrassed and disgusted husband, 
Who resentfully made arrangements for her bail.

When her court date came, he went along;
And when her case came up, he was by her side.
As the judge reviewed her charges, it seemed to him
That the judge’s patience was being sorely tried.

“Madam" the judge said angrily, "…a single can of peaches?
It’s obvious you have no desperate financial need.
You are wasting my court’s time with such farce.
So, Madam...how do you plead?"

She feigned regret. She bowed her head.
Surely such a ploy might change his attitude.
“Guilty, your Honor.  I am so sorry.”
He growled, “Save your platitudes.”

Then he asked, “How many peaches were in the can?”
“Your Honor, I believe that there were ten."
“Madam, I intend to teach you a lesson this day.
You’ll think twice before you steal again.

You’ll serve three days in county jail for each peach in that can.”
Her husband saw his chance.  He said, “Your Honor, if you please,
Before you pass her final sentence, you should know….
She also stole a can of peas!"


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"Holistic" Healer

There was something odd about this stranger
She called herself a holistic healer
But truly there was nothing “holy” about her

“Bring me an eye of a young newt,” she said
“Two toads that haven’t recently been fed
Be sure to include a Vampire Bat’s head”

“But I just have a problem sleeping in bed;
Shouldn’t I drink chamomile tea instead?”
The scowl she offered filled me with great dread

“You asked for my help; do you really want it?
You risk seeing your name in an obit.”
She scared me to action, I must admit

It took some work, but when I returned
Over to her all her requests I turned
Thinking a cure I must surely have earned

“Ah,” she said wickedly, “thank you, my dear.”
She handed me chamomile tea in good cheer
So I asked why she’d made requests so queer

“Stick around, you’ve more problems than you know
I have to treat that scaly patch that grows
From the top of your head down to your toes”

Ran out, I did, pledged never to come back
Saw in a mirror skin flaking and black
Vowed to find a doctor who’s not a quack!

The newt, toads and bat caused this reaction
Now I needed a full skin extraction
Paid a real doc big bucks for satisfaction


*Written in honor of Deborah Guzzi's The Road to Wellville contest


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Santa is a Yorkshire Man

To stop the myth going around that Santa is a Scotsman, a huge hit on the radio here. So fo those that believe this is the truth.


Santa is a Yorkshire man everybody knows that
You just say he is Scottish, cos he’s round and fat.
Well Yorkshire men can be the same they are not all dud
All year on the beer and whisky 
Washed down with Yorkshire pud.

Santa is a Yorkshire man everybody here knows that
You say your Scottish Santa’s Glow warm, red and fat.
Well Yorkshire Santa’s have glowing bits, but they keep them out of sight
Except on Christmas Eve when their pants have got too tight.

Santa is a Yorkshire man so stop making such a fuss
A Santa who know what’s what, so you can call on us
If your chimney is too tight, Yorkshire Santa will let you know
He’ll leave your present’s elsewhere, and you will have to go.
To collect you gifts is your own fault if your chimney is too small
Don’t expect him to get up there, he doesn’t want to fall.

A spade is a spade wherever you go Santa will tell you that
If you want to get your presents early, try Ilkley moor bar tat.
They meet there on Christmas Eve to swop gifts and stories too
That’s why they all have glowing bits, I bet you would have too.

He doesn’t have time to mess about, you people should know that
Santa is a Yorkshire man, there’s no more to say that’s that.


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Listen to Your Cricket

Disney's Jiminy Cricket,
is my favorite guy, by far!
Since I first saw him singing,
"When you wish upon a star".

He was just a little Cricket.
But despite his tiny size,
Jiminy had a heart of gold
and was very smart and wise!

"You must avoid temptation",
he told his wooden friend.
"If you listen to your conscience,
you'll be happy in the end".

I admire Jiminy's attributes
and the values that he set.
To be appointed "Official Conscience",
is about as good as it can get!

Pinocchio learned to choose right from wrong
and when troubled on what to decide,
He relied on Jiminy's insightful advice,
"To let your conscience be your guide"!


By Ralph Taylor





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Stop Fairytaling Me

I shall never fall in love with one who left her glass shoe
Neither will I ask your hand just when the poisoned  apple unchoke you.
Never will I dare marry one who in ages has been sleeping
Nor elope with a looong-haired damsel prisoned yet painting.

For there can never be a sweet fairy godmother
But mothers-in-law acting god and bitter!
And you tell me we shall live happily ever after
When you would not even taste that pumpkin in your platter?

Stop staring by your window waiting for your armored knight
He will not fetch you with his horse tainted white.
And will you please stop thinking those birds sing songs for you
Fairy tales are not meant for someone as unloving as you!


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I want to Throttle That Darned Axolotl!

I have a friend called Bob Beaubobble
who trains unusual pets to juggle
assorted items frequently fumbled
by freakish fish or octibumbles

This hobby made him mucha dinero
which he put in the bank ‘with interest’ to grow  
but while he was filling in all of the forms
One creature escaped from under his arms

Unseen in the dark, in the bank late at night
It bypassed security through the intranet site
And juggled and gambled to its hearts content
playing with our pennies until they were spent

Red-faced officials met the press in a panic
George Bush sent more troops to Afghan and Iraq
World leaders drew circles around toxic debt
then pointed their fingers to the country that started it...

The slimy old salamander sucks his cigar
as he drives to his office in a luxury car.
CEO though all see he's a feckless axolotl
without any shame, just a shed load of bottle.

He's safe in the knowledge, while his bank has been drained
A huge bonus is scheduled to keep him retained
and cash will be pumped from the taxpayers vains 
soon he’ll start things all over and gamble again.


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A SURE THING

'Twas nine o'clock on Monday morn 
And Ned was full of cheek, 
Depositing the cash he'd won 
From gambling through the week. 
 
The manager was curious 
And asked Ned for the drum 
On how he’d manage to procure 
Each week a tidy sum. 
 
"I only bet on sure things sir," 
Was how old Ned replied. 
"Then show me an example friend?" 
The manager enquired. 
 
"No worries sir, I'll bet you now 
Five hundred of the best 
That you are wearing bright red jocks 
And sir I do not jest." 
 
The banker oozing confidence 
Let out a joyous cry, 
"You're on my friend!" and bared the cash, 
A twinkle in his eye. 
 
"Well drop your trousers sir," Ned said, 
"Don't leave a bloke in doubt." 
The banker thought the office more 
A place to sort it out. 
 
Then once inside he dropped his dacks 
And with a grin he said, 
"You've done your dough for you can see 
These jocks are sure not red." 

"Not good enough," old Ned replied, 
"For they look red to me, 
Perhaps it's 'cause I'm colour blind, 
We'll need a referee." 
 
"Let's ask your good Accountant sir, 
To cast the final lot," 
But when the Banker called him in 
He fainted on the spot. 
 
"What's up with him?" The Banker said, 
"The man's out like a light." 
"He's in a state of shock," said Ned, 
"But he'll come 'round all right." 
 
"You see we waged a little bet, 
A thousand he would pay, 
If I could drop your dacks by ten; 
A sure thing ... wouldn't you say?" 



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The Duck

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck
It might be my mother-in-law
She was sitting stark naked in the garden tub
The scariest thing I ever saw

It was late one night when I got out of bed
'Cause I had to go visit the throne
I heard some splashing then my feet got wet
And I knew that I wasn't alone

Without her glasses she can't see a thing
So she asked me to shave her back
She must of been thinking that I was my wife
But all I could hear was quack

That poor rubber duck will never be the same
Who knows where that thing's been
I was thinking to my self he's going to hell
Just for floating in a tub full of sin

Well the very next day I shot that duck
For the evil things he did
So if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck
You better keep your bath toys hid


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Kangaroos

The Creator designed some mighty ridiculous looking creatures.
Among them are the kangaroos with some very curious features!
One of them is its massive tail that balances its pear-shaped frame.
But I suppose 'tis that ponderous pouch that really gives it fame!

With its hind legs it kicks like a mule much like that of rabbits.
(Oft I've pondered - does it exhibit the rabbits's prolific habits?)
Kangaroos don't pollute the atmosphere due to its virtual absence,
(Unlike that well-known curse of cattle) of bloated bowels of flatulence!

Little joeys lounge about in the pouch like an extra piece of luggage.
(I assume should she be blessed with triplets there'd be ample storage!)
Down Under is famous for its G'days, boomerangs and Steve Irwin's zoos,
But we're probably more familiar with those ungainly, cantankerous kangaroos!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 7 in Nikko's "Yay for "K" Contest - October 2010


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Goodbye Smoking

I'm not smoking today ;
not that the urge has gone away.

It's just that I'm tight and smokes are high ;
but, clothes are cheaper, I won't deny.

I'd like to be known for my wit and charm ;
instead of an odor setting off a fire alarm.

Believe me, it's not easy;
but, with a cigarette, I look sleazy !

I have an image to uphold ;
I'm known to be brave and even bold.

But, those little, white, sticks of fire ;
have always been part of my attire.

Will people even know me now; 
without the smoke circling my brow ?

Grit my teeth, gnaw my tongue ;
clean my hair and clear my lungs.

I might even feel brand new ;
and smell like perfume, not fish stew.

So, wish me well, no more Pall Mall ;
and pray I do not have a fall.

For this will be my very last try ;
to say it's easy, is a BIG, FAT lie !!


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Merry Christmas

No manger scene at city hall
or caroling at school,
no city workers stringing lights,
come on, you know the rules.

No pageants of the savior’s birth
we wish not to offend,
no prayers of thanks made publicly,
these laws we mustn’t bend.

No decorated Christmas tree
with ornaments all shiny
to be displayed on public land
or the ACLU gets whiny.

But Merry Christmas anyway
with joy to last the season,
just be careful what you say
or you may be charged with treason.




Carolyn Devonshire 
Contest Name Commercialized Holiday Humor Contest 


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Fun with Roses are Red

When I saw Susan's cute little contest on the famous Roses are Red poem,
 I went upstairs and said to Joe, "How would you finish this poem:
Roses are red
Violets are blue. . ." ?
(in case you don't know this famous little English poem, the actual finishing lines are "sugar is sweet/ and  so are you")
Very quickly my husband gave me an ending that was a twist on the old poem's
lines. But I was proud of him for actually coming up with something, so I put it into Susan's contest. I wanted to see how my hubbie would do if he were to enter a contest 
here!
(if you want to see it, it's the post I made before my Abracadabra poem)

Later I thought up a bunch of other endings. These are some I came up 
with for
Roses are Red
Violets are blue:

1.  Be my spicy meatball 
and I'll be your Ragu.

2.  your library book
is long overdue. 

3.  I'd tell you much more
but it's all Taboo.

4.  Do you style your hair
with Dippity-Do?

5.  Your cocker and my poodle
would make one great Cockapoo.

6. You tempt me like honey
tempts Winnie the Pooh.

7. I'll play you a love song
on my kazoo.

8. you'd make a good rooster
 Cock a doodle do!


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THE OPTOMIST

OH! change change; then.? change again!

it has been like this since i don't know when!

one minute all is going well, then chug splat chug

theres a problem spell, ..you know its never even going;

(smooth) but win & win, or lose lose lose, yet i'll persevere

and change my tack, so.. once more in rhythm and back on track."

then the kalidoscope constricts in the frame, lo.. and behold, I've

missed again, when...hold..on one minute! i've just been told..! that

opportunity could be spotted..away out west..! not waiting for the

wrong footing moment to get my best, i am off regardless in my

underpants and vest, i am going hard like i was running for gold."

Then when i round that corner..! it was like i had been told.. a large

Feline spotted black on gold ! and at i would say about 7ft long oh.. i do

Hope  (my opportunity) doesn't come on.. too strong...!.


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Wallpaper Vapors

Wallpaper Vapors? 

I wanted to repaper my room
But mom and dad said it’s too soon
You just did it yesterday, you crazy kook
But THAT paper had kayaks and today I want nuns
My parents just looked at me, clearly stunned
Had I gone religious all of a sudden?
Ignoring them I tore down the paper with glee
It wasn’t level, anyone could see
And put up my nuns in revelry
But the nuns didn’t pop
So I decided to stop
And hang up my posters of musician Kidd Rock
But that looked too teenish to me
So I threw them away and grabbed a painting
Van Gogh’s “Starry night” looked like a dream
The perfect wall covering, at least while I sleep...

Palindromes used: repaper, mom, dad, kook, level
4/17/12
Black Eyed Susan


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THE OGRE IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

He likes an egg 
without a shell, cracked
by the careless act 
of a grocery store clerk.
There's always some jerk
who could make you sick
then read your obit
with a pained expression
as if that session
and consequence grim
had nothing to do 
with him.
The Og. loves 
spaghetti
is always ready
when you've got 
a question
of indigestion.
He loves a meal
of apple peel
(forgive me Giuseppi
of the Pinnochio 
story). I do not care 
for apple peel, 
and though the Og.
is  small, he
gobbles it all.


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Typically Luke Poem 4 - FIRST DAY AT SCHOOL

It’s Luke's first day at school today I wonder how he’s getting on I hope he is behaving himself I hope the crayons haven’t all gone Because Luke is partial to crayons He seems to just love wax He sees a pack of crayons As some exotic snacks I wonder if he will make a friend I hope he’s not a bully No, Luke is far too nice for that So I guess I shouldn’t worry He looked really cute in his uniform Smart jumper, trousers and sandals But he will be home for tea real soon So I'm off to hide the candles.


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The Soup Hall of Fame

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


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A Rainy May Day

I remember it like it was yesterday and I think in fact it was
A beautiful spring morning that could not go wrong because
The sun it was shining brightly way up in the sky
So I thought I would cut the lawn or at least give it a try

The lawn mower was pristine clean as I took it from the shed
The extension lead I uncoiled and to the mower it led
I started on the back lawn to mow my way around
I listened to my IPod as I pushed the mower across the ground

The cloud began to gather the light began to fade
It was just as if I managed to walk into the shade
Now the wind began to rise blowing grass cuttings in the air
I looked up to heaven thinking this just isn’t fair

A rainy may day was about to ruin my big mowing plan
And as the heavens opened suddenly I ran
Gathering up the mower the extension cable to
Emptying the mower box in to the recycling bin it flew

Then back into the shed all the bits and pieces went
As I ran back in the rain in the garage door I leant
So my mowing day was over the rain was pounding down
Even with my IPod on I had a dreadful frown

A rainy May day washed away my plans to cut the lawn
Yet I know I’ll get another chance a dry May day will dawn
Till then the lawn will stay half cut at least until it’s dry
Then I will get the lawn mower out and have another try


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The Inadequate Poet

I’ve got a little secret, on which I would like to let you in,
But first, please promise me you won’t think I’m full of mortal sin.

I’ve always had a slight dislike for poems that rhyme,
I scoff when I read them, saying their simplicity is a crime.

But now I must let you in on another little tidbit,
Something I’ve been scared to ever admit.

The dirty, nasty, naked truth about myself and poems that rhyme,
Is that I scoff only because I have yet to master their art in my lifetime.

I’m rhyme challenged perhaps, struggling with each word,
Coming up with combinations and phrases that are absurd.

One day, my pen and I hope to master the rhyming art,
But for now, I’ll just let free verse flow from my pen, mind, and heart.


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X Marks The Spot

Once a year, it's the season, I fear
That lures us three, to the loch
Were we rent a boat, in earnest we hope
To catch all the fish, that they stock

McGee, he was rowing, I told him, "Start Slowing"
For here, looks like a good spot
The anchor cast in, by our big strong friend, Finn
I'm just glad he remembered the knot 

It didn't take long, we were hit by a throng
Seemed like, every dam fish in the lake
We all wore a grin, while we pulled them all in
'Cause we didn't have time to use bait

When the Day was done, so was our fun
As our boat was filled to the brim
I fumbled about, and pull up some stout
As the Sun was now getting dim

As we sat their all drinking, Finn started thinking
I wish we could find our way here
Or mark this grand hole, so we would all know
The place we should fish, come next year

That's when McGee, said "I know the key"
Then produced a piece of white chalk
"I'll mark on the bow, the place we are now
So next year we'll know we ought !

Finn then gave in, as he said with a grin
'It's your Genius, McGee that I fear
But how do you know, as rentals will go
We'll be getting the same boat next year" 









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COMMOTION AT A BUS STOP

I ride the bus to work,
and sometimes I put on a very displeasing look:
I complain with sardonic humor,
" These city buses are never on time! "
The scruffy man beside me sweats and scratches his hair,
" It's so damn hot and lateness is a crime! "


And we both complain about
the bus schedule during rush hour,
" I blame the cops for taking away my Cadillac,
all they found in my car
was an empty bottle of Rum...
they smelled my breath,
and started to laugh;
I didn't drink any..it was my chum! "


A bunch of teens, chatting and cursing,
were listening to his conversation
and derided the reputed drunker
who lived in their neighborhood...and they went on
with their silliness, " You lost your clunker, because
you were drunk and stunk like a pig! "


" Listen, you good-for-nothings punks,
at your age I had respect for older people,
never said an unpleasant word to anyone! "  
And venting his rage with frantic hands,
" If I were any younger, I'll zip your filthy mouths
with duck tape...dare me and you'll be so sorry! "
There was a brief silence, but animosity
for those kids was strong but he restrained his thoughts.


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A Mother's discipline

With soap in hand placed in my mouth
Head hangs over toliet tongue heads south
Dirty words no more


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Instead

On television movie "Dirty Dancing" again
To tell honest truth I felt warm after glow
This looked like a fun thing to do from where I stood
I thought and on my "Bucket List" it will go

But when I moved from my sitting stance_no_no way
Even though this "Dirty Dancing" fanned my flame
At my age just don't have youthful energy left
I will just have to pen a "Bucket List" by name

A very long list of fun things before life's end
Seek map and then go down a never travelled road
Go on a surrey ride to hear the horses' hoofs
Would that my love and I for horse not be heavy

In a hot air balloon basket flow on warm air
Only so many years_go to states not been in
No longer sit at home breath very deeply sigh
I'll be able to tell generations where been

No longer sit home and watch each and every leaf
My life wil move now as if it was set on fire
Skateboarding looks like so much fun_might fall and break arm
Join circus learn to perform by walking high wire

When I look at my "Bucket List" I get so sad
Like New Year Resolutions that I never kept
Need a new list of very achievable things
When I seriously thought about this I just wept..


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TH' BRINY WHORE

I'm a briny whore
wit' reekin' drawers
me honor ter make yer acquenchance
th' skipper's maid
me port's decayed
one doubloon, yer seafarin' urchin?

Yer scurvy rat
a-crawl wit' gnat
orf seadog scourged wit' rabid 
yer cannon's immense
'tis cocked 'n tense
yer cutlass be yearnin' me scabbard

Yer stench o' sewer
me bits'll chew yer
bumps 'n boils 'n rottin' flesh
yer britches singe
yer helm unhinge
ter boot yer hornpipe thump 'n thresh

2013-11-20






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'Sheep' is General

Sheep is general, as a term
cliched by constant use.
One wonders why the name is used 
as a form of soft abuse.
There's nothing wrong with sheep as such,
they're just not very bright -
But who knows, really, what goes through
their minds when they wake to the light?

Perhaps for sheep it's really rude
not to do as others do.
To be a model citizen means
just NOT being YOU!
Perhaps they've synchronized their thoughts,
and operate as one
An Organism alive in thoughts
on auto, as they seek the sun.

Just maybe, sheep aren't as they seem
to us, who eat their flesh.
With less attention to our bodies,
perhaps OUR minds would mesh.
For physical, as most we are,
our bodies mean a lot -
If we went auto, just like sheep
Would WE care if we're lunch, or not? 


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YOU CALL THIS POETRY

You call this poetry
I'm sorry I must confess
Your recent work
Why, it's a complete mess
Your rhymes aren't good
The story's not compelling
Where's this going
There's really no telling
You think it's clever
I don't mean to criticize
But your latest poem
Put a hurting on my eyes
Are you embarrassed
You didn't print your name
But this looks familiar
So I'll guess just the same
What's that you say..
Oh my, can that be true
No wonder I recognized it
The poet's me and not you

Contest: Linda's "A Poem Not Entered Into A Contest #13"
Date: 9-13-14
Poet: Lyric Man


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'Traitor'

I see a symbol here,
I see a symbol there!
Is this engineering?
I wonder every where!

My first day to coll.,
I learn to kick the ball!
The ball flies high,
It’s time for me to sigh!

Mechanics is the lecture,
I read the book’s annexure!
The annexure seems tough,
So I check out the hot stuff!

I see some girls around,
They make my heart pound!
I want to ask them out,
For sure, without doubt!

Four years later,
My girl is a traitor!
She turns around n runs,
Leaving behind her sons!

Disappointment later,
I achieve something greater!
Poetry is the name,
She’s my girlfriend I can claim!

Dedicated with love to: You Know Who, Tuhina and Prithvi


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A Silly Birthday Poem To Myself

Happy Birthday To Me
I'm Old As Can Be
I Am Forgetful 
And Lost My Memory
I Need Glasses To See
My Eyesight Will Flee
My Ears Constantly
Need Help To Hear Thee
To Bed I Will Be
My Dreams Are Set Free
I Soon Will Be Snoring
A Whole Lot Of ZZZZZZ's


Robin Davis
historical category
( cause I'm as old as history )  LOL


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Flailin'

Flailin’,  flailin’, flailin’;
There goes my ball sailin’
Into a trap, the water or the woods.

Flailin’, flailin’, flailin’;
You can hear me wailin’,
“Why won’t that damn ball go where it should?

Drives go right.  Putts go wrong.
I shank my wedges or ‘skull’em’ long.
My golf game’s just no damn good.

I’m swingin’ too hard & lookin’ up;
As if I’ll actually see it go in the cup….
As if it ever really would.

My alignment’s too far left or right.
My ball can find the only tree or trap in sight,
Even if the shot starts out lookin’ good.

These days, I carry some special tools:
A handheld weed eater with extra spools
And a pruning saw, in case I’m in the woods.  

I’ve even tried to ‘buy’ a better game.
No matter.  My scores were just as lame.
Those new clubs didn’t do what they should.

Bogies & doubles...even triples... are common scores.
I very rarely get pars any more.
Believe me, I’d change it if I could.

My buddies said it must be me,
A teaching pro I should go see.
They said he’d fix my game…..if anybody could.

The pro said, “Hit some balls while I watch you.
Just set up and hit’em like you normally do.
We’ll see if I can do your game any good.”

After the first bucket of balls I hit,
He calmly said, “Take two weeks off…then quit.
Take my advice.  You really should.”

Now, what really has me vexed,
I’m wondering what I’ll try next.
That pro’s advice was no damn good.

So, I struggle along with my flailin’ game;
But, strangely enough, have fun just the same,
Finding hope in rare shots that are actually good.


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The Dog Sitter

I once sat a pet for a good friend
He said "come and take it easy"
The Jacuzzi and food never ends
Just until I get back from Belize

I said " You got it, I'll do it"
I had met Spot, he was cool
But, within an hour I was bit
Pulling him out of the pool

I had just got him into the car
I knew I needed some stitches
The hospital wasn't that far
He started barking in high pitches

I decided to leave him there
So I put him in the back
He fought me like a bear
He was on full attack

Bleeding from both legs now
I rushed back to the car
I turned when I heard a "growl"
There he was wanting to spar

I jumped up on the hood
He circled on around
I climbed up to the roof
To get to higher ground

The neighbor had just pulled up
I saw he was going to bite her
She used her Mace on old Spot
Yelling "are you the new sitter?"


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Lips

Lips that are provocative, irresistible to the kiss
Lips of an ex wife that nag, cuss and hiss
Lips that quiver at the hot tea before they  slurp
Lips of the drunk that proudly burp
Lips, when a girl in a mini bends over, go Ooooh!
Lips that betray you at your wedding by saying  “I do”
Lips that aid that tongue that slips
Lips that express your sadness when they pout
Lips that are bitten eventually shout out
Lips that smile 
Or grimice from the pain of a pile
Red pimply lips from an ex-girlfriend you just seen
As you shout to her boyfriend “Put her down, believe me you don’t want to know where she’s been.”


Thse Mad Poety 
Date: New


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I'm A Meat And Taters Guy

I can tolerate most any grub that is placed upon my plate,
Though I must be somewhat selective so as to control my weight!
I love a juicy New Yawk steak and taters with a slab of cherry pie,
'Cause I'm strictly a meat and taters sort of guy!

There ain't nothin' as tasty as a meatloaf with smashed pertaters,
With lots of gravy, new spring peas and fresh beefsteak termaters!
But spare me pickled pigs' feet or a feesh starin' me in the eye,
'Cause I'm strictly a meat and taters sort of guy!

I savor various kinds of soups and a good homemade stew,
And Beringer's White Zin wine with a delectable cordon bleu!
Sushi causes me to barf and pungent kimchi tears my eye!
I reckon by now you've guessed I'm a meat and taters sort of guy!

I relish the products hogs produce like sausage, bacon and ham,
And I don't care what others say, I'm an aficionado of good ol' Spam!
But Lord have mercy! Spare the anchovies, 'specially on a pizza pie,
'Cause I'm strictly a meat and taters sort of guy!

In these politically correct times, some folks might rashly conclude,
That since I detest certain grubs that I'm a prejudiced dude.
Well, that's their problem if we don't exactly see eye to eye.
It just so happens that I was born a meat and taters sort of guy!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved



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Mom's Old Iron Skillet

The skillet hung near the old wood-burning kitchen stove.
Aside from her family, Mom considered it a special trove.
With that blackened old pan she prepared delicious repasts,
That in my judicious opinion will ne'er be surpassed!

Ah, just to recall the tasty grub stewed up in that old skillet!
How it tingled my taste buds just sliding down my gullet!
The chicken, steaks and chops in that old pan she did fry,
Evoked oohs and aahs and many a contented sigh!

She liberally dolloped lard in the pan 'til she had it just right,
Then concocted stews, soups and fried taters for our delight!
Mom was never concerned about such things as saturated fat,
Or life-threatening cholesterol and such things as that!

I suppose medicos today would have a conniption fit,
If they knew of the dietary sins my Mom did commit.
She must've done something right - her spouse lived past ninety-four.
Her kids outlived the odds, each reaching four score years or more!

Self-anointed wizards deem cast iron skillets detrimental to our health,
But I think they're just peddling new fads to add to their wealth!
My dear spouse uses her old iron skillet most every day.
I feel fit as a banjo regardless of what so-called experts may say!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Funny Sayings


Ever notice that people generally dislike being rude, Saying someone is fat or stupid, now that’s crude, I’ve collected and developed some sayings to stop tears, That I’ve used to describe myself in situations over years. Such as I am not fat, just really, really short for my weight, Or when I’m tardy, I am really late for the starting gate, Forgetful - I’m a straw short of a bale; a pickle short of a jar, And the one I favour to whisper of others, always from afar Is that “they are really not the sharpest tool in the shed” Because I like to be kind in all things done and said.
Written August 5, 2012 Won 3rd place in Craig Cornish's contest


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I'll Give It To You Straight

Holy Mole-y, what’s that ball
resting on your nose?
If I were a circus clown,
I’d want one of those!

And the other twelve I see-
all red bulbous spots -
May I grab my marker and
play “Connect the Dots?”

You are too afraid to get
them burned off, you say?
Yet you’re brave enough to wear
them to work each day??

And you say your friends respect
what’s behind your face.
I admit, you’ve taken what
life dished out with grace!

But your friends don’t help. . . I’ll
give it to you straight!
(Since you want to know why you
just can’t get a date!)

People have been nice to you.
They’re just using tact.
Kids say “Holy Mole-y,” though,
right behind your back!

HOLY is not just with H,
But with “W.”
(W)HOL(L)Y Mole-y is the sad
fact I’m talking to!


An Oldie for Skat's Current Slam contest


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Barracuda Alma

Alma was a Barracuda, married two times four,
she knew the game, she played so well and never failed to score.

So, when the chance came about to scam a naive Sailor,
she knew she had to do her best to take the drunken whaler.

He told her she would make a fortune taking care of him,
for when he died, there was a prize, though all that seemed so grim.

Alma did not blink an eye or even hesitate,
she took the deal and lead him home to wait, and wait, and wait.
For years he kept on living, amazing her each day.
He must have been one hundred on the eve he passed away.

She shuffled with his papers, searched long throughout  the night.
At last, she found "The treasure" to her unashamed delight.
For there upon the table, an envelope did lay.
The seal was stamped, it looked official, she was finally on her way !

She opened it to see her name, her time had come around.
Alas, She was not mentioned on the paper she had found.
For years she'd taken care of him without a word of scorn.
But in the paper came a photo of a tiny, pink, newborn.

To her dismay, she turned it over, this is what she saw,
shocked, she read the note outloud in disbelief and awe.

"To Timmy. my dear and only son, I find myself ashamed,
that never have I seen you, nor given you my name."

"To you, I leave what all I have, you'll find it all recorded,
to only you, no exception, it will be awarded.
It's at the lawyers' office, not far down the street."
"Forgive me son, my sad regret, we will never meet.

P.S. Avoid Ole' Barracuda Alma, all smiles, a greedy type,
She'll snatch the gold out of your teeth, if she thinks the pickin's ripe.

 Alma ranted, then she raved,
she cursed him in his cold, dark grave.

He fooled her once and  cheated her right to the very end.
"Oh well", she finally whispered, 
"There's ALWAYS time for me to  find a very new, best friend !




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Isn't it nice

Isn’t it nice,
If I wake up and I’m half my size,
Gorging on my favourite pie,
Never feeling shy.

Isn’t it nice,
If I wake up, just looking at the sky,
Don't bother about time,
And the whole world is all mine.

Isn’t it nice,
If I wake up with love by my side,
Cuddling me the way i like,
Just like I’m a child.

Isn’t it nice,
If I wake up and greeted with a surpise,
That my favourite mocha costs half a price,
Or winning a contest with $1million as a prize.

But I don’t think it’s nice,
Now that it's night and I’m sitting by the window wide-eyed,
Wishing upon the stars in the sky,
Doing nothing else but wasting my time :P


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What to do if a dog bites

I was running from the man

Or the cops if you please

 I hopped over a fence

Landed funny, scraped my knee

 

Looked around and saw a shack

Hoped for comfort and ease

Like a hooker in church

Sweating on her knees

 

Peered into that shack

What a shock and surprise

Head like Mount Rushmore

We were lookin eye to eye

 

Started running for my life

Jesse Owens be proud

Dog snapping on my leg

Not a bark ,not a sound

 

Almost made it to the fence

With his teeth on my ass

Like a student in school

Was hoping for a pass

 

Had my back to the fence

Was looking for a stick

That dog drew  first blood

Stream of red like Moby Dick

 


The end of the story

Had been lookin for fun

Searching for my phone

Called K911


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Finish This Verse

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Sugar is lumpy
And so are you!


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The Pinnacle

.
                                           The pinnacle of selfishness
                                       On top of the great world am I 
                                      Alone here with selfcenteredness
                                      By myself I can eat the whole pie
                                            Alone with television yea
                                       No arguments with me this day

Click on "About This Poem"


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Cottage Cheese

Cottage cheese is a delightful treat when anyone is sombre! Take a bite, in spite of spite, And you'll be quite the charmer!!! (explodes into gay rainbow random confetti) *inspired by obscenely old, gay bearded wizards*


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Food Lion, Fayetteville, North Carolina

Her list includes croutons and jelly and jam,
as I read down, I see knockwurst and ham.
Bananas and tuna, pick up Borax and Bold,
if there's no Zest, then get Palmolive Gold.
Orange juice and lemons, Pepsi and Sprite,
ice cream and cookies for our guests tonight.
I arrive on line nine with it all and croutons.
It rings up, I reach in..I forgot the coupons.


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Monkey Blues

The Organ Grinder is Grinding
The monkey isn't there
He ate to many bananas
Now he's in Hospital care

The Grinder keeps on turning
He's grinding that old crank
He's looking for donations
To put into his Bank

He's under lots of pressure
To pay the hospital bills
The monkey bit the doctor
He didn't want any pills

Life is such a grind
With a Monkey on his back
The doctor sued for all he's worth
Now he's living in a shack


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The Gambling Man

He is a bookies monkey,
A blackjack Joe,
A casino junkie,
A slot machine Moe,

He is a roulette Roger,
A double down Dave,
A betting shop lodger,
A gambling slave,

He is a baccarat Billy,
A poker sharp Pete,
A wily old Willie,
A Charlie cheat,

He is a high stakes Harry,
A dog track Dan,
A lotto Larry,
He is the gambling man


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Constanza Dance

Who is this funny dancing clown
Who entertains throughout the year
With painted frown and brush stroked tears?

His dizzy spins go round and round
‘til orange hair and polka dots
Look like a crazy spinning top.

Then plopping down upon the ground
As children laughed until they cried
At funny dizzy crisscrossed eyes.

There, where his frown was upside down.
The happy circus filled with smiles
As other clowns ran in the aisles.

Now laughing loud without a sound
And gaily dancing as he left
Belying inner tears he wept…
 
Who is this funny dancing clown?
His dizzy spins go round and round,
Then plopping down upon the ground
There, where his frown was upside down,
Now laughing loud without a sound.
 
 
8/22/2012 For Andrea’s Constanza Contest


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Cheeseburger please



i ate the nuts
to keep small butts

and drank the tea
which made me p--

devoured the grains
to keep small veins

avoided the tarts
"be still my heart"

now thin and trim
down on my knees

could i please get
a cheeseburger please...



Poems by Shar


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My Words

If you want to get to know me,just read my words Then the voice inside your head are my words that will be heard At times they may play with the strings of your heart Causing you a little pain that wasn't there from start Or they might enter your tummy to give you a little giggle That will bring a smile to your face,and make your belly jiggle My words may flow with love all around your insides Always searching for a new place,where they might hide My words are usually pretty smooth,just so you know And they will will always be with you everywhere you go But after about a day or so,you will just crap them out Hopefully they will come out easy,and not with a painful shout
DanKearley:1-25-12 (Ouch!) :o)


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A Friend Request on Facebook

A Friend Request on Facebook

By Elton Camp


Facebook can get you into an awkward situation
When as a friend someone seeks your affirmation

For if their request you decide should be declined
It’s not reasonable to think that they won’t mind

One who perhaps was trying to get on better terms
Might become glad to see you eaten up with worms

If you accept, but then decide to unfriend them later
Of your very guts they are certain to become a hater

So, as you can see, it can easily become quite a fright
When you decide to get involved with a social website


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Ol' Bess Was A Bust

Young and single, just got a job in a neighbour town, Thought I’d buy a flashy car so I could get around, My boyfriend at the time said that I should get a Camaro, It was new, orange and shiny, how could I be so narrow. I crowned her Bess and drove her home with pride, All my friends called, they wanted to go out for a ride. Summer was so much fun, what a splash I was making. Then gone, both summer and the boyfriend I was dating. Winter rolled in with tons of snow and patches of ice, Getting to work in my Camaro, was like rolling the dice. Ol’ Bess would skid to the left and swerve to the right, Wow, I held on to the steering wheel with all my might. So I resigned that Bess was not good in cold weather, Even with snow tires, she blew around like a feather. Then suddenly a new quirk started as I turned on the key, She spluttered, oh great, guess I won’t make the grand prix. Bess would start well at times then for no good reason, She’d stammer, then stop, reek of gas - in any season. Bess and I visited many auto repair shops by way of a tow, The carburetor was like a fountain, out of it the gas would flow. Apparently a carburetor is needed to make Bess purr, So I had it rebuilt, then replaced, oh the bills, what a blur, Then a starter motor and strut, remember Bess is brand new, After three years of aggravation, I traded her in, I was through! Guess a cool single girl may look good in a splashy sports car, But if your car doesn’t start or run, you won’t get too far. So I put on my sunglasses, look cool but feel like a real wart, As I drive to work in sleet and snow in my old Ford Escort. Written for Contest “Driving Me Crazy” Won 6th Place


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Catfish Tales

It was me and my uncle Buster
having dinner at Pearl's Lunchenette.
The sun was as high
as merange on the pie,
'twas a day that I shant soon forget.
Across from us sat old man Dauber,
addressing a man at his side,
describing a big Flathead Catfish
with his hands more than shoulder width wide.
Known as the town's story stretcher,
and an unending thirst for a beer,
he faced the man he was addressing,
but made sure all the others could hear.
In his story the battle was epic,
poorly hooked, broken pole, tattered line,
an angler's exceptional talent,
a fish in its muscular prime.

Buster looked over his coffee
I read the disgust in his eyes.
He called out to old man Dauber,
"Where'd you catch a catfish of that size?"
Happy to have a new listener,
Dauber grinned as he puffed out his chest,
"In that hole by the Rock Island Rail Road,
and a little bit more to the west."
"Good spot; know it well," agreed Buster.
"I've fished there myself quite a bit.
Once I  hooked an old railroad lantern,
and be damned if it wasn't still lit!"
Dauber grimaced and sat back deflated.
Other patrons all grinned in delight.
Buster said, "Take a foot off the Catfish,
I'll be happy to blow out the light."




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The Beauty Of Women

Women are a thing of beauty Created by God for man From their different hips,to their lushes lips Or the gentle touch of their hand They all have a way about them That I've noticed throughout the years They have tender hearts,and precious smiles With beautiful eyes that sparkle,when filled with tears But they constantly look at other women Though none will tell you that it's true From their styles of hair,to the clothes they ware It's a hidden secret that they all do Some will say that I'm wrong As they claim,"Hey that's not me" But I'm a man who has watched for many years And am now exposing the secret that I've seen Some of them are concerned about their weight Or possibly the droopiness of their breasts Or the stretch marks that may have appeared some where Along with menopause,PMS,and all the rest All I can say is we are men Who don't really notice most of those things You are all beautiful in your own special ways And you will always be a part of our dreams
DannyBoy:1-16-13 © Ha,ha.. :oP


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Baby Bug or My Pet Race Roach

Well, I've been in jail since Juvember,
And I've pulled thru Maynever,
And now it's past September,
And I wonder if I'll ever,
Get out of here,

Yea, this place sure would be lonely,
If it wasn't for my pet,
And he sure is real homely,
But still, my love he'll get,

He sleeps in a matchbox,
And wakes up in my bed,
He's sometimes in my socks,
Or a layin' by my head,

I enter him in races ,
With all my criminal friends,
And me, he never disgraces,
My race-roach always wins,

He can really move fast,
One second for five feet,
And I sure hope his legs will last,
So he'll never get beat,

And he holds the track record,
Here in this ol' jail,
And he might just beat it,
But only time will tell,

But then one day my race roach
Was walking on my shelf,
When he suddenly fell off of it,
And nearly killed himself,

So I hollered for the Sheriff,
And he came a runnin' fast,
I told him to call the doctor,
Or my race roach wouldn't last,

Well, the doctor came a flyin'
A little later in the day,
I told him my race roach is dying,
What more could I say?

The doctor said I am sorry son,
But his leg will never bend,
I believe his career's done,
He'll never win agin,

So I started crying,
I cried agin and agin,
I almost felt like dying,
Now my roach would never win,

So the doctor took him away,
Yea, he took him out the door,
And I just have to say,
I haven't seen him anymore,

But what really puzzles me,
Is where'd he take my "baby bug?"
I wish he'd bring him back to me,
So I could give him one more hug!!

Hey!!!I just caught another one,
A little faster than the last!
This little "Bugsie" can get it on!!!
Gosh is he ever fast!!!!!


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A 3 HOUR TOUR--Right here on Gilligan's Island---


Our love is like Gilligan's Island
but what we have is so much more
And to all the girls that I've loved before
they are but Brady Bunches on three hour tours

Cheers to the ladies on that Island 
but you're my "Mary-Ann" and my "Movie Star"
come take my hand-in-hand, with candy tan 
you're the best of both worlds,  but much better by far


I have "Profess"ed to be your "Skipper"
tho' I'm "Thurston" for you like I do Mrs. Howell,
when you "Lovey" dove me with coconuts,
I can't help but go nuts, NOW GET ME A TOWEL!~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

CLASSIC TELEVISION SHOW= Gilligan's Island
NAME= JSLambert
*Note: this Rhyme was written as a love letter-ish type of thang:) I hope ya' don't mind the weirdness of it all~:)JSL


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NATURE CALL




I call it a good bathroom routine relief spent from poop’s wriggler, now, awful gas gets meaner on this café’s john for fresh butt clean. While meeting clients, lunching and all a toilet- rush far from home, I dump and reach for side chrome no tissue left, my hands in trouble! © For PD’s Pooping Contest By nette onclaud


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THE CIRCUMCISION

Our Sid felt well-jaded 
his sweat, it cascaded 
he feared the end was well-nigh 
his head was a-pounding 
a hush ultra-sounding 
he all but stared death in the eye 

Steadily declining 
whinging and whining 
to the good wife, who had a short thread 
she saw a good chance 
eyed him askance 
said: I'll book you a hospital bed 

Afore rushed to hospital 
sweated and spittled 
he eyed her boobies in double-D vision 
for sure he'd have flown 
had he but known 
he'd been booked for a quick circumcision 

Foreshortened but sharper 
wooed by nurse Harper 
he contemplated suing for cash 
with his wired-up jaw 
he sipped through a straw 
animal innards and veg pulped to mash 

Nurse Harper, aflame 
with nary no shame 
tended his uncalled-for member renewal 
she was drooling and crooning 
and dream'ly swooning 
admirin' his family jewel 

In her somewhat dazed state 
her aim was not straight 
she inadvertently turned on the gas 
his urge was to flee 
of his wires wrenched free 
maneuvered escape from the lass 

From two storeys high 
(a short distance to fly) 
which in retrospect is soundly insane 
he took a long jump 
balls-down with a thump 
now his crotch is perm'nently sprained 

**************************************

For Joann's copycat's contest.  Initially written by Sid, our mad poet.  I copied the poem to my hard drive but somehow the title got lost.  Maybe he can help us out with the title he used then.  Sid, you're the bomb, me man!!! 




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Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012


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Oodles of Joy

"Oodles of Joy"
In the morning of everyday i 
start
I make a food that's really 
smart
Crunch'em, rip'em, and pour'em out 
As saliva pools form in my 
mouth 
Put it in the mic for just about 
three
Impatiently  watching those 
beautiful noodles waiting for 
me
When the time Is up
I Pop it open and take them out 
And start shoving "Oodle's of 
Noodles" into my mouth. 
 
Khalil Wali


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The Wrinkles Justifier

I wear my wrinkles proudly.
In fact, they aren’t so bad.
They show I’m used to laughing
And I’m hardly ever sad!
These crinkles in the corners
Of my sparkling eyes of green
Reveal an inner child
Who’s as sprightly as a teen.

And though I’ve tried to zap them
With peels and botox too,
They’ve had a strong immunity
To staying out of view!
They’re little rascals, just like me,
So clever and headstrong,
That they resurface within months.
They can’t be kept down long!

And why should I erase them?
I still don’t look my age!
I guess I rather need these lines
To look a wee bit sage.
I can’t look TOO much younger
Than how I am perceived,
Or saying I’m a grandma,
I might not be believed!

Imagine me parading
With a face as wrinkle-free
As that of Cher or any 
Other rich celebrity!
Well, since I have no money,
I simply must declare
The wrinkles round about my eyes
I very proudly wear!


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True Confessions

Confessions aren't easy but here I go
I'm about to tell you what you don't know
I secretly dance at home all alone
I like karaoke with a microphone

Singing and dancing I ain't got no skills
Still it's way better than swallowing pills
As I perform I still have one great fear
If I sing to loudly others will hear

Sometimes I practice at home in the shower
Enjoying myself for many an hour
Maybe one day I will be good enough
Then I won't be afraid to strut my stuff

Until that distant day please leave me alone
I will keep up practice to improve my tone
John Travolta moves, singing like the King
Imagine all the joy one day I will bring

Please keep my secret, you made me confess
Others could be worse, perhaps they cross dress
Confessions not easy secrets come out
Now you will learn what Soupers are about.

Sweet Anne's Confessions of a Poetry Souper's contest.


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Last Wish






There’s a story of a dying grandma,
She is very rich and had a big villa,
But she is too old to handle her wealth,
Because her hours are numbered on earth.

She decided to call her favorite niece,
To give her villa and all her richess,
The niece was surprised and so very happy,
She thoughts of money and unending party.

Grandma said “Please took care everything my dear”
Aside from my villa, I gave you 5 million, Is that clear?
Open my computer and looked for my Facebook password,
Also feed my animals on Farmville that’s her very last word.


For Andrea’s "SHOW ME THE FUNNY (Part 2)" Contest
July 20, 2013



Note: 
Everyone knows farmville was very popular 3 years ago I think...I am addicted to that and even woke up around 3 am just to harvest my crops hahahahah..I bought a villa, shops and houses..I expand, decorated my farm and pretended I'm a millionaire...LOL that's why I wrote this poem...(^_______^) its a joke and hope I make you chuckle/smile/laugh..


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Part 16: Five Footles

(I am really missing my time here. It's just been really difficult for me to do much commenting here this week. Hopefully things will improve soon! In the meantime,
I am near the end of my Footles files with this small group!)

Charles’ Hens

Dicken’s
Chickens

Thorny Rose

Prickler
Tickler

Funny Robbery

Hiccup
Stick-up

Resort for Primates

Gorilla
Villa

Nelson Sounds like a Bird

Trilly
Willy


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My Senior Moments

                  May I help you sir, she said to me, as I walked in the door.
                   I hung my head, embarrass red, What was I in here for? 
                   Did You remember paper towels?  NO, as I head off to the store.

                   The Red Sox Won, the Red Sox  Won, Curt Shilling was the star.
                   My radio is calling me to the Post-Game Show: If I Could Find My Car.
                   I can’t remember: Did I park in LOT Yellow ABC, or was it Purple PQR.

                   Soft Sweet Voice, made my Heart Rejoice; I can’t think of Her name.
                  My memory :  waning years:  reflections, recollections of YOUR Fame.
                  An earned Laurel Wreath  is given YOU in the POETRY Olympic Game.


                           Inspired  and  Dedicated  to  "Sue Mason".. By whathisname


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Tin Cup, Colorady

Of all the minin' camps in old Colorady, the town of Tin Cup was truly,
With all its gamblin' halls, brothels and sleazy saloons the most unruly!
'Tis said that Jim Taylor dipped his tin cup in the 'crick' to take a sip,
And found gold in the bottom of his cup even before liftin' it to his lip!

The rush was on and in 1880 the rowdy town of Virginia City sprung up!
In 1882, assorted drunks and ne'er-do-wells insisted on namin'  it Tin Cup!
Stakes were claimed, shovels flew and ore was packed out to railheads.
Men who worked in 'ore houses' were the butt of jokes by facetious heads!

By 1881 there were 6000 denizens and over twenty saloons in the town.
Gamblers met at Frenchy's Place and they controlled ever'thing aroun'!
Marshals were told, "see, hear and do nothin' or yer first arrest will be yer last!"
One quit, two were fired, three were shot, one went insane leavin' the town aghast!

For those who died gloriously or otherwise from flamin' guns and billowin' smoke,
Boot Hill Cemetery was established south of town to plant many a hapless bloke!
Raucous prospectors spent their 'dust' on booze and 'soiled doves' in their cribs.
Others got uproariously drunk and awoke with busted heads and shattered ribs!

In its heyday, Tin Cup produced millions of dollars in choice Rocky Mountain gold.
The last mine, the Gold Cup, closed in 1917 spellin' disaster and the town did fold.
Alas, today 'tis a ghost town with curious tourists and sagebrush driftin' about.
The ripplin' streams teem, not with gold nuggets, but with fightin' rainbow trout!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Surprise Surprise

His adoring wife told her hubby that she was with child!
He was so overjoyed he walked on air to put it mild!
He started making immediate plans for a handsome little boy,
That he could hunt and fish with and bring him untold joy!

A football, baseball and soccer ball were on his shopping list.
A closet full of sports stuff - things he just could not resist!
He bought a box of cigars, the labels reading, "It's A Boy!"
He painted the nursery a sickly blue much to his wife's annoy!

They settled back to await the big event and he began to muse,
Upon the young lad's future and the career he might choose.
"Why, he'll be President of these United States I have no doubt,
Or perhaps a senator in the Congress where he'll carry lots of clout!"

"Maybe a four-star general in the Air Force wearing a suit of blue,
Or a famous research scientest finding a cure for the flu!
Hollywood, I'm sure, will call wanting to make him a star;
Perhaps a renowned attorney defending hapless souls before the bar!"

Momma delivered a charming little bundle and what do you think?
She presented Papa with the cutest little girl all wrapped up in pink!
He tenderly cuddled and kissed her as he proudly proclaimed,
"President of these United States she'll be, the first to be so named!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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The Evil Shopping Cart

In car seats sitting in a parking lot, grocery store
We witnessed a most ghastly gore  
An out of control shopping cart
On a path toward my car door

I yelled, “WHAT DO I DO?!”
When in a panic
One often has no clue

I panicked and raced
To get keys into place
But they landed 
Jingling to the floor
You said, “HURRY!!!!”
I tried my best to scurry

Relieved when the key and ignition
Made love
I threw it in reverse
For the cart wasn’t to be coerced 


When we escaped
Feeling like heroes, caped
We put the groceries on the counter
And made love for an hour



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The Hunchback Of Tennessee

My cousin owned a beagle,
A horny ol' dog;
He hunched everything in sight,
Even a hollow log!

I looked out in the back yard,
What do you think I'd see?;
That peanut-head beagle,
Hunchin' on a willow tree!

Hunchin' on a bicycle,
Hunchin' on a car;
Hunchin' on a porcupine,
That left an awful scar!!

I woke up one morning,
Squeaks echoed through my head;
I looked down at my feet,
That mutt was hunchin' on my bed!

He never rolled over,
He'd never fetch or beg;
But he could sure work up a sweat
On the shin of your leg!

One day I had enough,
I called my cousin on the phone;
I shouted loud and clear...
"He's hunchin' on a pine cone!!"

That's when I realized,
Milk and oil will never mix;
Once again I shouted out...
"Why don't you have him fixed?!!"

My cousin then replied...
"You know that ain't no good!"...
"It wouldn't be right,
To take his manhood!"

One day we went fishing,
The sun rose from the south;
That stupid ol' dog, 
Started hunchin' a cottonmouth!

He was struck many times,
Perhaps eight to ten;
That silly ol' beagle,
Keeled over on his chin!

Out in the back yard,
Beneath that willow tree;
We laid to rest our horny friend,
The hunchback of Tennessee!



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TELEPHONE

       TELEPHONE
I will wait for the phone to ring
       No dial tone!
Did I not pay my phone?
I forgot I myself don't like using the
        TELEPHONE.

 A very unusual way to leave the world.
       Let's all thank,
 ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL.
For one of the worlds best inventions
The most valuable means of communication.
      UN-great-full we are,
Abandoning the telephone in every nation
We now consider the cell phone a better creation.
What happens to talking to our friends from home.
Now you are talking while pumping gas at the gas station.
Driving around while talking on the phone.
You don't care about your situation.
Just as long your antenna is not on roaming.
What happen to s.o.s. Communication.
Now we TEX with addiction.
Do not forget about phoning internet.
Do not forget about the year1876.

    SKAT


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The Two Women In My Life Who Are Big, Beautiful Reds

                                                                   1.
                                                             Kathleen

Firehaired love of my life;
She's almost all Cab, with a dash of Shiraz spice.
A deep and complicated, earthy wife
Who's ruby sparkle in the looking glass
Lingers long upon my vision, soft and nice;
The All-of-Her bouquet, I cannot pass.

                                                                     2.
                                                                 Susan

She may prefer to drink her Cabs,
But the red-maned lioness is pure Bourdeaux.
Her brightness fills a room, and quickly nabs
Away all weak indifference.
The complexity of her shines and glows;
The product of some special provenance.

                    These ladies make my life divine,
                    An enviable medly of song and wine.
                    They may well land on the "NO FLY" List,
                    For being such charming Terroirists.


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Teacher, Teacher

Teacher, teacher, she’s touching me
And I haven’t liked her since we were three.

Help, teacher!  He says if I don’t stop
He’ll give me a karate chop.

Oh boy, teacher, I have a stomach ache.
How long’s this lesson gonna take?

Teacher, teacher, my head feels hot.
But, I don’t wanna get a shot!

Teacher, teacher, I hafta go.
If you don’t let me, I think I’ll blow.

Gosh, my water bottle got me wet!
Hey, teacher, is it lunchtime yet?

Teacher, teacher I’m all muddy
And scraped my knee and now it’s bloody.

Teacher!  Ow, teacher my tooth is jiggly.
What?  I can’t sit still.  My feet are wiggly.

Oh, no!  Teacher, my pencil broke again.
Why are you always countin’ to ten?

Sniff, sniff, teacher!  I’m feeling sick.
I better go to the nurse real quick.

Where you goin’ teacher?  Why you sittin’ down?
Did you just say you’re leavin’ town?

What’s the matter, teacher?  You don’t look so good.
Ain’t we behavin’ the way we should?

Don’t worry teacher.  Tomorrow you’ll be great!
We’ll be back in the morning at half-past eight!

By Susan Burd © 2011


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What if I be the judge

What if I interchange my place with you tactfully and be the interviewer ma'am, you the nervous interviewee? My jumbled head with statistics from economics to weight of moon and from Osama to Obama, will be a blank space soon. I will measure you inch by inch taking a careful look at you, suddenly without an apparent cause let out a huge naughty guffaw. This will make you nervous more sweat beads appear all over face, casually I will enjoy this,and let my mind to start caress. Very much enjoy change of roles with the peoples surrounding me, frequently I am the Boss of all anytime can be 'he' or 'she'. What if I want to judge this time to get the first time judgement taste, will you sponsor write a poem and enter in your own contest? =============000==============


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Sshh! Chef's Busy in the Kitchen Making His Seafood Bisque.

Chef 's Winter dishes are simply delicious, not too much oil or cream.

Rich or plain,  taste tested to perfection, tiny portions sometimes steamed

He starts  the day with freshly squeezed orange juice,coffee and toast.

And embarks on a fitness journey along the seaside in Adelaide.

Today he is going to create a seafood bisque inspired by his walk.

This morning whilst  walking along the beach he noticed the outgoing

Tide and outlet  left a long groove with  definite honeycombe indentations

snaking parallel to the shore for a distance near a giant swirly starfish.

From an aerial perspective it looked  like a Christo dragon , hardened ripples

representing the scales and the sometimes swirling patterns here and there

where the giant Sea-dragon moved, slithered or shifted about in the sand .

The Sea-Dragon must have laid there for some time before he disappeared 

as his scales were deeply impressed and clearly embossed in the firm sand. 

A clear body of water flowed  in the center of this outlet echoing the scales

shimmering and gleaming with sunlight smoothly on the groove's surface.
 
Upon seeing this ,Chef etched it  in his memory and began to mentally gather 

ingredients for his creation.How could he give his bisque the dragon flavour?

Grilling the whiting, prawns and scallops  with butter  laced with honey , chilli,
cardamon + crushed nuts , garlic, a dash of brandy....... 
 
then adding chicken stock , lime , thyme ,cracked pepper , rock sea salt and 
finally pureeing the lot with a splash of coconut milk.




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Silver Strands

One fine morning the mirror showed some silver strands in my black hair though few in number but very bold started sprouting here and there. For me it was a disadvantage started thinking to get rid of them so that I could hide actual age told my son,'Let's start a new game'. With him soon I made a small deal 'Rupees one for each silver hair, just pluck them off my black head,till no more patches remains there'. Merrily he agreed with that,and whenever wanted to make some quick bucks, used to tell me,'Just lie down dad, I can see some patches to pluck'. Soon those silver strands disappeared son was happy with the bucks he got, but something different started to appear the mirror now shows a big bald spot'. © kash poet ============================== Placement: 5th; (December 2011) Contest:Silver Strands Sponsor:Susan Burch .


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Thank You

 I am strong because of you,
vulnerable no more.
I had to grow a backbone
when you walked out the door.

I am no longer needy
like the woman you left behind.
I've learned to stand on my own two feet
and I now know my own mind.

Independant and self-aware
I am now, because of you.
So I thank you for all you did
when you told me we were through.

I wouldn't be that woman again
if you offered me a million bucks
and as for you and your life now,
well I really don't give two... figs.


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Wedding of a Wench

"Wedding of a Wench" a joyous celebration promised arrived on lacy invitation bring only your smile as a gift to offer congratulations but my cousin, Marlene, was known as a troublemaker all her life now so hard to imagine she'd make any man a good wife. more out of curiosity my honey and I opted to go after many years of disfunction change makes people grow nothing could have prepared me for the show 'twas 'bout to see there is a lid for every pot and fun is always free. the rough flight to Las Vegas was bumpy and too long spent all my time with eyes closed tight chanting the wedding song as the plane landed I tried to unclench my fist wondering which magic potion she used to snare a sharp dentist. the trip to the chapel 'neath bright lights of Sin City my high heels hurt my toes as I thought of words witty recognized Uncles and Aunts who had now grown old though the temps reached 100 my body froze cold. we exchanged hugs and kisses then escorted to our bench waiting for sweet music and entrance of wicked wench she wore a red suit with her flaming red hair with white shoes, blouse and hat looked like Santa Claus affair. the groom, short and bald, wore a green laurel wreath to cover his head with red tie underneath his bermuda shorts were all plaid and too big where oh where was the champagne, I needed a swig. instead of gold rings they had tattooed pop art with matching leg logos "till death do us part" I was laughing so loud I thought I would die waved a speedy hello and a hasty goodbye. now what does one say to a couple's freak show? no words came to mind that seemed quite apropos I just gave them my business card once they were sober as a wedding gift come see me for a duo cousin makeover. *For Joann Grisetti's My Cousin's Wedding Contest.


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Duvet Day

It's warm beneath this duvet.
Outside it's cold and grey.
I wish I could roll over
And stay in bed today.
There's things I should be doing,
But if you'd let me choose
I'd stay beneath this duvet
And keep on pressing snooze


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Typically Luke Poem 14 - CAPTAIN EVIL EYE

Captain Evil Eye is here More a super villain than a hero Just one look from his evil eye Your temperature drops to zero Yes it is Luke’s little party trick This thing he does with his eye When he stares at you with that look You don’t know whether to laugh or cry Go and do your homework And Captain Evil Eye is there Go and tidy up your room You’ll see the steely glare Come on now it’s time for bed The evil eye stares you down Captain Evil Eye looks a little Like some psychotic clown But even super villains get tired And we eventually get our way As Captain Evil Eye is put to bed His evil work done for the day


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OLIVE OYL---TROCHEE





I will be your Olive Oyl
Slim as spinach reed,
Cling to me like plastic foil;
Bluto quarantined

Old maids can deny my fame
Need I flaunt my charm?
Two men fighting for my name,
Olive, take my arm!


©


Contest: Andrea Dietrich’s 7/5 Trochee


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My Life

My life has been varied and long at many things I failed. Aged seven I wanted to be a train driver but that idea was soon derailed. I trained to be an Olympic athlete came last in every race I studied to be a lawyer and lost my every single case I left my job as a crane driver on the day I was hired My stint as a Gigolo left a lot to be desired. I applied to be a hotel porter but was told there was no room and my time as a concert pianist was distinctly out of tune. So I became a writer and dream my time away I can be who or where I want whilst staying in bed all day.
Ken Duddle


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down n' out in the outhouse!

chillin' in the outhouse,
gettin' high on turds;
thinkin' 'bout my crappy life,
can't sum it up in words!

i share my bed with an ogre,
she fibs between her teeth;
an angel on the outside,
a devil underneath!

the kids ain't worth a quarter,
always wantin' more;
they won't go out and get a job,
what are they waitin' for?!

i got a cat named Bonzo,
he won't use the litterbox;
barfin' hairballs every mornin',
right on my favorite socks!

my silly ol' dog named Marco,
with a brain no bigger than a pea;
he never barks at strangers,
instead, he barks at me!

my bills are in collections,
i might be losin' my job;
they're 'bout to take away my car,
i feel like a rotten slob!

i guess i'll grab my gun,
maybe i should end it all;
i'm tired of everybody's bull,
i'm tired of takin' the fall!

just when i think i've had enough,
others are havin' it worse;
suicide's the cheap way out,
it's time to put God first!

who knows if i'll be homeless,
or in the employment line;
today i'll weather the storms,
tomorrow the sun will shine!


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Housewife's Lament

Cooking is all I do
That is why I am blue
I think that I'll skip a day

Run away from mankind
There's no contract I signed
Disappear and today play

Jump on a cloud up high
Float far above the sty
Of  life's big problems; hooray!

In honor of Dr.Ram
Contest: Balassi Stanza


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My Old Ford

MY OLD FORD


I once had a '50 Ford
I bought it just because I was bored
It had been setting in a farmer's field
Where it had stopped and wouldn't yield

I hooked it behind Pa's old pickup truck
And out across the field I struck
Headed for the shade-tree mechanic's house
Knowing he would cuss and grouse

I parked this junk heap in his yard
He grumbled and sputtered long and hard
But went to work on it with skillful cunning
Certain that he could get it running

Get it running is what he did
I tell you, I nearly flipped my lid
My friends and I, all that summer
Rode the dirt roads in that little hummer

Until one day, it finally quit
And we knew that was the last of it
So I dragged it back to the farmer's field
Where it still sets and will not yield


	28 August 2011


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A Wet Weekend

Water, water everywhere
running down the walls
and dripping through the ceiling
like the darned Niagara Falls.
The carpet is all sodden
but really, if you please,
I draw the line at paddling
unless it’s in the seas.

I never liked the wallpaper,
though here comes the ‘BUT’,
until I have some money
I had hoped it might stay put
for just a little longer,
and then there is the smell
of damp that’s getting stronger,
like an ancient, musty well.

And what about my ironing,
I left it in a pile
at the bottom of the stairs
for just a little while,
but now it’s mixed with plaster
and shades of rust and grey.
I guess that ought to teach me
to do it right away.

How plans can all be washed away
along with precious things
and how we never can predict
just what the next day brings
It’s not what I imagined
when at the forecast’s end
the weatherman so calmly said
‘expect a wet weekend’



A weekend of clearing up after my header tank overflowed :(


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Tinsel and Bing

I heard Bing Crosby sing
My heart skipped a little
Close is the time
Of joyful rhyme

Sleighs and snowman
Georgia's southern clim'
Doesn't go for snow
Below the tinsel lighted star

We sing Bing!


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To Phyllis Babcock from kashinath

Phyllis!Phyllis! Help me outta this! Tell me how to write and please you? P.D. has ordered 'Write on Phyllis, you must oblige or will perish!':) So I googled your name 'Phyllis', you from Canada,your name from Greece. I know you are kind and tender, all these made your pen much sweeter. Oh,yes!Tell me how is Aaron, your bundle of joy,little grandson! For him all my blessings and love, cell phone ringing,my time is up. Tell me one thing just secretly, has P.D.ordered you too,like me? =============000============= :)Obviously PD didn't order me:))) Placement:1st ;(January 2012) Contest:Gift Exchange Sponsor:Poet Destroyer(Irma) By:kashinath karmakar


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Stop washing your dogs in my swimming pool

My swimming pool is full of fur, pee, and dog poo.
Your dogs contaminate my pool and it's because of you.
Every day while I'm at work, you use my pool to bathe your twenty-five mutts.
When I asked you to stop it, you gave me the finger and I punched you in the gut.

You laughed at me but you stopped when I broke out most of your teeth.
I knocked you flat on your sorry ass and made you feel a lot of grief.
You threw a punch but you broke your hand on my belt buckle.
Then I caved in half of your face when I put on my steel knuckles.

You were ugly before but you should look in the mirror now.
Even blind girls won't date you because you look like a sow.
Your damn dogs have ruined my pool and my patience grows thin.
I'll cut out your gizzard if you wash your dogs in my pool again.

(This is a fictional poem.)


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Christmas Time

(Tune of Jingle Bells)

Christmas snow 
Christmas snow
Love to watch and play
Walking slow
Careful you know
Won’t bust my butt today

Hey!

Christmas time 
Christmas time
Need to shop all day
Hate the crowds
They get so loud
Think I’ll wait, can’t go today!




*For Deborah’s "Holiday Songs in Poem Form” contest


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When Daddy Did The Cooking

My brother was first at the table
to pile six pancakes on his plate.
I don’t know how he stayed so skinny
given the amount that he ate.
My daddy had made the hot syrup
from white sugar or so he had thought.
After one bite my brother was choking,
hair rising as though he’s besot.
Then Dad yelled ,”Don’t pour the syrup. 
Instead of sugar, I grabbed Epsom Salt. "


Won No. 5


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The Mouse --In reply to The Cat--

I am a mouse
You are a cat
You think you are…
But you aren’t all that
I am too fast 
For you to kill
The blood of no one
You will spill
Your claws are dull
Just like your head
You’re about as smart
As a slice of bread
You think you’re fast
But you're really not
So I have no worries
I’ll never be caught
A door does slam
We turn to see
A man walk in
With a new fishy
That fish looks tasty
Go give him a try
But he is a piranha
I hope you don’t die


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Old Years New Tears

I raised my foot to climb the stairs
only to find an old age impediment there.

Down I went face first upon the stair
now realizing that I must first think before going there.

Raise that leg high resounds in the mind
something I didn't have to do once upon a time.

A thought that now stays ever constant in my mind
each time I approach something I have to climb.

What was once done with thoughtless effort
is now done in thoughtful measure.


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Side By Side

We got married last Friday
My girl was right there beside me;
Our friends were all gone
We were alone
Side by side.

We were so happily wed when
We got ready for bed then;
Her teeth and her hair
She placed on a chair
Side by side.

One glass eye so tiny
One hearing aid so small;
Then she took one leg off
And placed it on a chair near the wall.

I stood there broken hearted
For most of her had departed;
I slept on the chair
For most of her was there
Side by side.


Not mine!


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THE LITTLE MONSTER

THE LITTLE MONSTER

It can be sweet, or very sour.
It can be your friend, or your worst enemy.
It lives inside.
Free to roam the outside.
It smiles big when it gets what it wants.
If taken away, on the floor it will stomp.
Like a magician with many tricks.
It farts.
It kicks.
When mad it has a very loud yell.
My mom dose not let me call it.
A demon from hell.
It pulls hair, it punches, and it screams.
With this little monster,
it is best to be on its team.
This monster who around others acts like an angel.
Is really a beast in disguise.
It tricks you with hugs and kisses.	
It is very clever, very wise.
Under the skin the monster hides.
So what if it’s my sister from the outside

           Skat & Son


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Paintin Place

Rolling, brushing and sand with fury

Does the house look lovely?

Its gone to the jury.

Spilled five gallons on the brand new rug

Scream and holler and grab the dog

Throw him in and his paws a clatter

"Lady your dog," and his prints a spatter

Joe his twin he is a plumber

"Hope she hasn't got our number!"

Goof off,gunk off and clean the carpet

"That lady was keen but not the sharpest."

Paint with beauty and fast the pace

Just paint it , paint it , but have no fear

Does it look fine,"why you gonna live here?''

House of wonder but the yards a moat

"Mam we gave your dog a second coat."

"Base of white with spots a great sensation"

"Look at him now he's a Dalmatian"

"Grab your coats and grab your hats"

"We spilled some more better grab the cat"

PS... these are true stories of events that have occurred for my friend Duke who owns a painting business in Philadelphia that I work and worked for in the past. Some are Urban legends but some I have witnessed... Patrick


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THIS STORY'S SELDOM TOLD

For their personal witty fun
I’d been traumatized by my son(s).
Years and years they've said to me,
Let your other boys go free.

At my age I could see no point,
swinging with breezes below a joint.
Then the appendectomy came and went,
 “Tighty Whiteys” made their last dent.

Stitches and gauze now long gone,
wouldn’t you know it before too long…
I did become hmm…Let’s see,
home of the brave and the free.

Wearing reminders of decisions I’ve made,
Now I’m a boxer but not by trade.
When I leave my home and family
I take my leave feeling quite happily.

These ain’t lies. Lie, lie, lie, lie, la lie!

*Inspired by an appendectomy and Simon and Garfunkle


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Things That Bug Me About You

My goodness, how rude can one get?
I haven’t even finished speaking yet.
Your uncaring interruption,
has ruined my thought construction.
Now I have to put my thoughts on the shelf.
Couldn’t you see I was talking to myself ?!

And when I ask you to look for my keys,
Don’t make me beg on my knees.
I hate it when you laugh to beat the band,
Just because you see them in my hand!

And last week when I asked you to find my phone,
Your unkind remark cut me to the bone.
You said “you are losing your mind I fear.,
What’s that thing on your ear?”

It just isn’t nice, no matter how true it rings,
Accusing me of always losing things!
I just hate that quirk about you!!
Hey,.. you seen my other shoe?


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Pole Catching

Sitting there so beautifully-
the one who had stolen my heart from me.
I walked right by to catch his eye,
but caught a pole instead.


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Who's Gonna Tend The Farm

Doctors told the old farmer his soul was soon to be his Makers!
"Spare me, Lord", he pled, "I must farm these hundred-forty acres!
My wife ain't able to hoe or mow or handle the old John Deere!
The place will go to hell (er, 'scuse me, Lord), that is what I fear!"

"The threshin' crew is comin' next week to reap the wheat and oats.
Grain prices will plunge, the radio man says in his daily quotes.
The barn needs paintin' and the roof needs repairin' too.
All this and the mortgage on the old place is way overdue!"

"In the garden there's taters, termaters and carrots to weed.
It's hay makin' time and I fear the alfalfa will go to seed.
Them thievin' birds and squirrels will rob me of my apple crop.
I ain't a drinkin' man, Lord, but right now I could use a drop!"

"The punkins is ripe for pickin' and the corn's ready for shuckin'.
The cattle stalls is heaped full and they really need a muckin'.
My chicken coops need fixin' and a real good cleanin' out.
Lord, I'm in a heap of trouble, of that there ain't no doubt!"

"There's twenty guernseys to milk, who's gonna take care of that?
There's them hogs to fatten up to sell and I want 'em good and fat.
The sheep needs shearin' and a dozen goats need milkin' too.
Lord, have mercy!  I just ain't ready yet to rendezvous with You!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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Gender Fender Bender

A Real Gender Bender



I drove on down to the grocery store
to buy myself some meat
milk and eggs and veggies
And variety of treats

When I pulled into the parking space
She was pulling out
I quickly rolled my window down
and gave a little shout

Well, she may have stopped in time
to save my poor car's fender
But what took place, after that
Was a real Gender Bender

When she got out of her car
I notice she was tall
And nothing about this lady
Would I describe as small

But a sexy hot potato
Blond hair blue eyes an all
Boobs, Butt, a nice tight waste
She could strut it all

With the flutter of her eyes
and a pucker of her lips
she strolled on over to me
hypnotizing, with her hips

As she bent down to my window
Her cleavage made me sigh
I had a feelin', of gettin' "Lucky"
'Till  "HE" punched me in the eye







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Brawl At The Buckskin Joe Saloon

The poker game wuz progressin' purty well 'til Iron Mike started a ruckus!
Seems he had some spare aces up his sleeve, that dirty, sneaky cuss!
One-Eyed Pete didn't cotton to them shenanigans and drew his forty-four!
Iron Mike jumped up, toppled chairs and tables a-skedaddlin' fer the door!

That started the biggest brawl that the town uv Buckskin Joe had ever seen!
The mob wuz yellin' fer Iron Mike's head but he had prudently fled the scene!
One-Eared Earl, the barkeep, fired his rods a-tryin' to restore some order.
Meanwhile, Iron Mike wuz racin' on a stolen hoss fer the Mexican border!

The pianner player kept playin', "A Hot Time In The Old Town Tonight!"
('Twas Three-Fingered Clyde who tickled the keys fer free booze ever' night!)
Big Nell, who belted out bawdy songs each night, wuz involved, fists a-flyin'!
She busted some noses and shattered some teeth, and I ain't a-lyin'!

A dozen er so uv Madam Rosita's soiled doves joined in the fray as well,
A-kickin' and a-scratchin' and pullin' hair and generally raisin' 'ell!
There wuz so many shots fired that night, it seemed like war had started.
Many drunks awoke the next day to find that thar hair had been parted!

Studs Flanigan, the bouncer, wuz trampled as the fight spilled out on the street.
This sensitive affair caused a deeper rift between the rabble and the town's elite!
So as not to hear the fussin' and cussin', moms covered their kids tender ears.
Old-timers claimed they hadn't enjoyed sech a show in Buckskin Joe fer years!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


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JuJu The Magical Whale

Step aside if you please, Dr. Seuss,
And you as well my dear Mother Goose!
It's my turn to write for little kids a silly tale,
About a magical whale and his little friend, Miss Abigail!

JuJu was his name and he was as big as a whaling ship!
He cruised about the sea with Miss Abigail reclining on his lip!
She enjoyed the view as they dove to the bottom of the sea,
To say "Howdy do!" to Claus Lobster and have a spot o' tea!

JuJu took Miss Abigail for a cruise along the Barbary Coast.
There they saw a pirate ship guarded by a fearsome ghost!
"Never mind," a lovely mermaid said!  "If the truth were told,
He'd gladly let you play in his treasure chest filled with gold!"

Alas, poor JuJu fell fast asleep and nigh Bermuda bumped a stone,
Spilling poor Miss Abigail into the sea, leaving her all alone!
JuJu awoke with a startled cry searching for his little friend.
With his magic eyes he spotted her faraway nigh Newfoundland!

With a flip of his magic tail, JuJu could swim hither and yon so free,
Showing Miss Abigail wonderful and mysterious things beneath the sea!
(Miss Abigail awoke from her fun-filled dream to tell her Mom and Dad,
All about Magical JuJu and the whale of a time she'd had!)

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 5 in Gwendolen's "Dr. Seuss Is On The Loose" Contest - Feb 2012


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I've got an embarassing secret

I have to spill my guts
It has been on my mind
It is making me quite nuts

My rooster has a problem
It is so hard to say
Just please don't laugh at him

He's OCD!!
He paces back and forth
Counting every step to a tee.

Three up 
Three back
Three up
Three back!

There is no help to be
The worse you see
He has plucked

And plucked yes he
Is naked as can be!!



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Don't Blame Alice

Ole’ Humpty Dumpty, is in a ridiculous scramble
Out of the eggshell, and into a scandal
After sitting so high on the throne of conceit
His place in the government, now heads for defeat!

Convinced that sweet Alice, with her wiggling hips
Was too willing a partner, ...he will not admit
Of his unfair advantage, while his staff listened at doors
And heard goings on from the governor's mall
While forgetting his family,  no conscience at all! 

Teetering, he sat in his delicate shell
Bragging and flaunting, ….and that wasn’t all!
Till he fell into the vat of a chemical spill
While wishing to fire, those spies that will tell

Stones built without mortar, out of rocks that would crumble
He tumbled and spiraled down into the mud
His life flashed before him, like other flashers before
Like Arnold, the hound dog, that thespian fox  
And Edwards, still bruised from a cradle that rocked

Now all the kings’ horses, and all the kings’ men
Wondered if Humpty can climb up again
But they rode off like thunder, they won’t be caught under
The waves of a scandal….if he blunders again!!



________________________________________________________


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YOU LEFT


YOU LEFT

Pcillin cured

the obscured



* for the Footle contest.


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Chocolate-Trochee

Rich chocolate 'pon my thin lips.
On taste buds twang sits
Minute; lifetime on big hips.
Now clothes don't fit

To a diet must commit
Carrots celery dip
Peanut chocolate dip permit
My pants can now zip


Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich
Contest: The 7/5 Trochee Poetry Contest



using choc lit as pronunciation
Celery pronounced cel ry


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How Many Times

I've read and read, and read it thrice
and each and every time
I found one missed spelled word or more
Hidden in the lines
And though I proof read once again
Once again I goofed 
And if I have too, once again 
I'll go right through the roof


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A Real Dilemma

I was reading in the papers,
of worldly problems that there are!
The one I'm most concerned about,
is the most critical, by far!

There's unemployment, crime, and politics,
just to name a few!
A lot of major problems,
a lot of stuff to do!

But, we face a real dilemma,
I learned from "Dear, Heloise"!
It ain't a threat to our survival,
like from flooding or disease!

It must be real important,
that would be my guess!
Because "Heloise" is real selective,
on what she sends to Press!

It's, How should Toilet Tissue be hung?
That's our biggest problem of all!
Should it flow, like a waterfall, over the front,
or come down the back, against the wall?

Written 8/5/12


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Oh Brother

Hey! I am your long lost brother Remember the one who moved over sea? The one who always tormented you, Made you fall and graze your knee. The one who pulled the heads of your dollies, Set fire to your dolls house The one who accidentally while you were out Killed your little pet mouse. The one who called you silly names, And sniggered at your fashion trends The one who always went out of his way To embarrass you in front of your friends The one who told you fairies weren’t real Until you cried and would then still persist The one who broke your childhood dreams When they told you Santa also didn't exist Yes, I am your long lost brother You know, the one who caused you great pain? The one you really, really hoped You would never see again


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COURTROOM CAPERS

In the witness box
pathologist Cox 
a seasoned witness quick on the draw
the lawyer, no rookie
a rather tough cookie
with a weak defense was clutching at straw

As a last resort:
"Your post-mortem report 
shows the deceased resisted attack."
"Surprisingly, M'Lord
he looked rather bored
and certainly gave me no flak.

"His eyes were closed
he pretended to doze
or already in Dead People's Land."
As laughter erupted
the judge interrupted
amused, he held up his hand:

"Devoid of breath
he still feigned death
you must have freaked him with scalpel in hand
for due corroboration 
and a full explanation 
should not we call the corpse to the stand?" 


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Non-Sense

I'm so smart I can fool myself
but I'm too stupid to figure me out
pull back the curtain remove the doubt
I think therefore, I am over qualified
and that is why you work at this place
now stop pretending to be a stupid case
that's just plumb dumb, where is your thumb?


Don't believe everything you think
but thoughts become things
Red Bull gives you wings
don't forget to read the label
if your judgment is stable, are you able?
if indeed you are Able, then I am Cain
if I am Cain and the apple is ripe
can you tell me what type?


sugarcane, hurricane or cocaine?
Abraham was guilty only of raising Cain
pop the cork drink champagne
midnight rendezvous again at twelve
de-ja vu
pop the cork drink champagne
midnight rendezvous again at twelve
vu-ja de
so, how does it feel
to be back on the hamster wheel?
does that make sense?
a lot of NONSENSE


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Better Sleep On It

Poor Mister Tuffet
Gasps while stocks plummet,
Collecting his shell-shocked wits!

His hair stands on end
As the market descends
It is scaring Mr. Tuffet to bits!

He tucks into his mattress
His wealth and his assets
Now he sleeps with his ass on his funds!

(He is trying to "tuffet" out!!)



__________________________________________________________________
Inspired by John Freeman's Contest "Boistrous Comedy"


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I Just Found Out

I just found out the world is round.
I’d have sworn that it was flat.
Is that why there are rolling meadows
and other sites like that?

When I roll from bed in morning,
could I roll on to Japan,
And is it round like a big ball
or like an oblong can?

You heard of folks going over edge,
there is no edge on a ball.
The fact that they can do it proves
the world’s flat after all.

I've tried to solve the enigma.
I’m not a lazy scholar.
I have deduced it is both round and flat
just like a silver dollar.






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SEXY AT SIXTY

I was fit and feisty at fifty
It was no big deal
Because that's how half a century
Is supposed to feel.

In my sixties I'll take stock
Start making great plans
Ignoring all the 'you cant's'
And embracing all the 'I cans'.

Can I be sexy at sixty?
and try all the fashions and fads
Wear stockings and suspenders
And Joan Collins shoulder pads.

I can deal with sexy at sixty
And wear Vivienne Westwood clothes
Dress up and go out on the town
Wearing all my buttons and bows.

I'm going to be sexy at sixty
I'll wear Gok Wan lingerie
Find myself a toyboy 
Then maybe lead him astray.

Swift and sexy at sixty
When I get my Jimmy Choos
Dancing the night away
To the sound of Rhythm and Blues.

Oh! I want to be sexy at sixty
'cause age is a state of mind
I'm preparing my body at keep fit
So as not to be left behind.

But first, I have to deal with
Old skin, Bad teeth and Grey hair
Then remove the unwanted growths
From just about everywhere.

Then I'll definitely be sexy at sixty
And undoubtedly done it all
The only problem is that
Most of it I simply won't recall..



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A Christmas Dinner

Christmas day and it's time that we eat.
One more meal and I won't see my feet!
Dad lost sight of his a long time ago.
He's one size away from saying Ho Ho Ho!

After we gorge ourselves it's time for some treats.
I think I got diabetes from my last plate of sweets!
I unbutton my pants as I let out a sigh.
Good thing I'm not Santa or my reindeer couldn't fly.

Now to the tree to hand out our presents.
Feeling like kings even though we are peasants.
The kids are all playing and sharing their toys.
We're bloated and sleepy from our holiday joys.



Dustin Self 11/29/2012 (christmas dinner contest)


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TROCHEE-Percy's Pre-dic-ament

Percy's pickle pointed west
Larry's pointed down
Little Mary looked perplexed
Percy grinned and clowned.
Mary's small feet kept abreast
Larry looked around
'Till a tree limb snagged her dress
making Mary frown.


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the lucky little mouse

once there lived a mouse in its own little house
its name was jerry
and lived with merry
it ate yummy berries and cherries 
and was very hairy
living in a hole , 
with his brother the mole
it used to find cheese with ease
and lived in peace.
it was scared of cats
because cats eats rats
it lived a happy long life
with its 7 children and a wife.

-Saanvi Dua 

quote  - "By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher."
Socrates
____________________________________________________________

FOR GIORGIO'S CONTEST - RELATE YOUR POEM TO ONE OF THESE QUOTES . 
 


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Solemn Vow

June of 1945,
I had just turned ten.
My friend and I went fishing,
but I never will again!

That was 60 years ago,
I ain't been fishin' since!
I know just what you're thinkin',
that doesn't make much sense!

Well let me tell, what happened,
to my best friend, Mike and me.
Once you know the story,
I'll have your sympathy!

I never did like Fishin',
but Mike was keen, and so,
since him and I were best of friends,
I felt that I should go!

So off we went, to our fishin' hole,
the sun was hot and bright!
We stayed there, almost seven hours,
and never had a bite!

My older brother came along,
he said "How ya doin', guy?"
I said "we never even had a bite",
then I began to cry!

He asked me for my fishin' rod.
He cast the line into the lake!
Within five minutes he caught a fish,
It was more than I could take!

That day, I made a Solemn Vow!
Right then and there I swore,
"if I live to be 100,
I will never fish no more"!

So that's my best June memory,
there's nothing more to say!
Even though it's been a long, long time,
it's like it happened yesterday!




  


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ODDITIES

A tip of my hat to Cornish and Poe
On this plane thinking thoughts you've had too
Of all the odd things that flying has wrought
Things that are so incredibly peculiar but true

Of all the fears that there are in the world 
Fear of heights has to be high on the list
Fear of falling, crashing, and death as well
Yet the use of terms that illicit these fears persist

Like why must we gather in a terminal
A plane landing is called the final approach  
Everyone is prepped for crash landings
Doesn't matter if you're in first class or coach

But the oddest of all the strange oddities
Is the insistence you are all seat belted in
And this must be done or you'll be chastened
Before you back from the gate and the trip begins

Then once you're finally picking up speed
Down the tarmac headed for the runway
They'll explain how to buckle your already buckled belt
Are you serious, your kidding me, no way!!

2-20-14

Contest: Angel Of The Odd
Sponsored by: Craig Cornish


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A Halloween Scene: The Morning After

I hope you slept well. I hope you slept tight
I hope the creepy crawlies didn't come in the night
Did you open your eyes? Did you take in the sight
Of a hovering figure, pale and white?

Did you feel the cold breath? Did you feel the sharp bite?
Did the moaning and screaming give you a fright?
Did you show all your fear? Did you hide in the light?
As your wide eyes and shivering make them excite.

Did you hear from outdoors, victims’ helpless calls?
Did you hear your name echo outside in the halls?
Did you feel the cold slime 'drip - drip' on your head?
Did you notice the finger tips crawl round your bed?

Were there hand prints and puddles the colour of red?
Were there blood trails of foot prints from the undead?
If you woke up and saw none of what I just said
I'm sure they'll return to your dreams instead

That night may be over but there'll be many more
The undead do not rest; it's what they live for
They thrive on the hunt with a dribbling jaw
So keep your ears open for that creak of your door

Watch for the long fingers that be unforeseen
That creep round the corner, all scaly and green
I'm just happy I lived to tell the tales I've seen
I just hope you all had a Happy Halloween.


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Boredom Waiting In Doctor's Office

My husband gets very impatient waiting so I told him to write a poem:

On a farm there was a donkey
Who's feet had a scent that was funky
Because he had stepped in something chunky
                        By: The Reverend T.

This is my response:

Out of boredom he wrote a verse
In frustration it was very terse
Of course, he did not want to curse
So he used words that were worse

Now he's pacing the floor
Standing right in front of the door  (Not true, just needed to be busy)
Nurse tries to enter in a rush
Open door sets him on his tursh


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A Peeping Tom's Preamble

.
In Honor of Independence Day --- We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America ~ In Honor of Roy Jerden's Contest: "Malapropisms and Mondegreens" A Peeping Tom's Preamble of the United States --- (Read and weep, as down you scroll!....) "Weedy peepholes, of this excited state inordinate form of amoral fate perverted union, of flabby lushes....(brewin') insures ecstatic fertility, providing the comical defense, emoting of gin, will wear (no sense!) liquor and confessing of libation creeping into our shelves (invasion!) his dour posterior does shame and tabulate this (inferior) constant situation for the (law's) unsightly state of amoral's cause !"
______________________________ Oh dear.........Forgive me !! Only for Roy, would I stoop so low! LOL !


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The News these day's

Where have all the feel good stories gone
I can't remember, it's been so long,
I hate to turn on and watch the news
I just walk away, with a case of the blues

Look, Joe Paterno just got the ax
cops just busted a guy for selling kids crack,
sexual harassment allegations, against Herman Cain
Mr. Rick Perry, looses train of thought again

Dr. Murray found guilty by a jury of his peers
a 7 year old dies, a community is in tears,
Berlusconi of Italy finally goes down
a cure for our economy, not easily found

I'd like to see a story, about a child being saved
instead of a story about them being slaves,
or a story of a pup, pulled from a drain
or a cure for someone in serious pain

Or two campaigners, with something nice to say
instead of finding skeletons any which way,
But I guess I'll just stop watching the news
and go through life with my own quirky views.


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