If you Really Knew Me
By Kevin Robey
Febraury 16, 2013
If you really knew me, you’d see through these lies
The smiles and laughs, can’t conceal my eyes
You won’t ask questions, you won’t suspect
You won’t see it coming, my final misstep
If you read this now, you know it’s true
Maybe there never was a me and you
So many times, I fall so hard
Don’t rise again, joy’s much too far
I wish I was stronger, but my mind is stuck
I made it this far, based solely on blind luck
I know you’d tell me, to take it easy
This upcoming part may make you queasy
Be kind, and notify my next of kin
Leave out the part of my final sin
Another one in line with many
Proof I was my own worst enemy
Join me in my dark and twisted fantasy
Of opened wrists, my last reality
My breathing slows, as the crimson glistens
My thoughts are peaceful, lean in and listen
Let’s make this emo, and write a note
I’ll even throw in a depressing quote
Maybe goodbye, sorry, and such
You say I had it all, I say not so much
These medals and trophies seem to say
That I made the most of every day
The truth is I was simply biding my time
None of those moments were truly mine
You see everything, but I leave with nothing
Didn’t believe me, you accused me of bluffing
So see me now, as I bleed to the floor
Take time and read to me that final score
The end is here, the war is won
The battle is lost, but wasn’t it fun?
Torturous dreams and false realities
Were the only real friends to me
So it’s time to sign out
I promise not to shout
Sweep me under the rug
Let me go, I’ll pull the plug
The end is here, I’m so relieved
Despite of all I managed to achieve
Don’t cry for me, I’m finally happy
This is my last wish, my final plea
So I close my eyes for the final time
I think to the beauty in words that rhyme
My final exhale marks the final scene
Knowing nothing is ever, quite as it seems
How it must hurt you so on days like this,
Walking around with a frown clutching your fist.
Hearing the words that are meant to anger you,
Confused you cry because there is nothing you can do.
Your mind is playing tricks on you driving you to say,
I hate you all and the games you play please just go away.
Trusting nobody you are not sure which way you sould go,
It's not real and all in your head is what you do not know.
Waiting to see just what tomorrow will possibly bring,
All will be perfect and you wont rememver a thing.
Your thoughts they torement you almost every day,
Each night asking our Lord why your life is this way.
Feeling so alone thinking there is nobody who cares,
But actually there is so many but you are not aware .
If only you would hear me so you might begin to see,
You must believe in yourself if you want to be free.
You must have some faith if you are to understand ,
What God has in store for you and what he has planned.
All the hurt and anger will soon begin to disappear ,
You'll stand up tall again facing life with no fear.
Please remember always that you are never alone,
By listening with your heart your path will be shown.
I simply love being me
for I am so good at everything
step into my city and they
will tell you who is King
one day when I am hungry
I will swallow everything
then and only then shall I
inherit the stuff I dream
even then I promise
not to settle for satisfaction
at any instant half a second
I could spring into full action
so go against me? please,
you do not even measure
up to half of the goodness
that I hold tight like my treasure
still spreading rumors about me
to try and destroy my life
can't believe I let myself get beat by
a stripper and my self-intended knife
try and say I'm gay
even though we both know that isn't the truth
just ask any woman I been with
if they ever needed proof
they'll say I was the cream of the crop
as they took it all night knowing
I just may never stop
I own the status of a legend
now what you got left to say
when I bring it twenty-four seven?
maybe even a little stressed,
heart beats completely out of my chest,
I can't the image out of my head,
I rest head in my bed, restless, all night Oh i'm so breathless,
This inflicted, conflicted pain, may come from within me,
but it started with you.
Something so bittersweet, often lies through your teeth,
that's what you fed me.
Stay true, is what I said to you, even this action was cruel.
In this private world, I'm all alone
I don't like how it hurts.
Completely isolated myself from the world,
it's been days since I answered my phone.
Am I hurt, or did I receive what I was worth?
Dwelling on the past is my stress,
I cant move on, I'm definitely depressed.
Insecurities building on me, with your manipulation and painful memories.
I seize to believe this is my life's destiny,
I need a revision,
What exactly is this thing we call living?
I forgot good times, I let in the bad.
Being me, living life, freely, positive intensity,
it made made you mad.
Innocent girl learned how to live a lie,
life passed by,learned how to fake a smile and cry inside.
I need a lift, a need to rejuvenate,
I need to release this hate, at this rate, I hope I'm not too late.
Overly emotional, this experience..hurt my physical, mental, well- being
Who could cause so much pain, was it just me?
How could your aggression, and obsession allow me to numb the delight from life.
I neglect the light,the love, the girl, who once knew how to live.
She was wonderful, highly intellectual, and oh so beautiful,
Now she's evidence of physical,emotional damaged work from the palm of your hands.
Completely broken,maybe even for good.
This is a poem to those who think thinkfull;
whose thinkwrite, thinkthink, thinkprose, thinkcopy, thinkulate, thinkcujol
as a full member's fool.
My, me, mine contests are the bestest, contestest, behestest gorestest
since I'm a poet that's hosting, and ur the poet degenerate that's posting.
This makes me in copulocommand and u in dildodemand. Hitherto inconsequential.
My criteria is susperia, whattheheria and scary as hell, because I know not
what I'm doing and which wreaks, of, Oh well!
It's funny to seewrite yr crap as something u think poetcool,
but in poetreality on my site, it is only poetgruel,
as u lack the real innate streaming talent (dollars/cents to be true)
to tintilate, as yr soul it waits for retooling.
Don't fret for u can be me, and all that's wordly fruitful and free.
just pay the right price for lifetime linear refooling!
For it's then our poetic equation becomes wordglue
equazic for it's momentary monetary meger word sequestration.
I really don't care.
Who is not happy for me.
I am very pleased with me.
Very happy I am with myself.
When the windows of Heaven.
Are opened by the Lord.
Showering Blessings of anointed rain.
Don't you even think about it.
No need for you then; to call upon my name.
I am so very thankful to every last one of you.
Whom had no qualms in showing me the real you.
So very grateful I really am.
Thankful to you for saving me the time.
I welcome not being bothered with concerns.
Of who and who's not a friend of mine.
Go on ahead.
Keep right on.
Stay selfish, hateful, jealous,
and nasty just as you are.
You suffocated my very being.
With those demons wicked vile.
During the times I was most covered by life's scars.
If any of you wicked rulers of demons.
Had your way.
You would take from me.
Every God given gift.
Every God given talent completely away.
The black heart demons in darkness.
Worked to prevent my very own children;
from loving or caring for me.
I am no longer the hurt up feelings.
Cry baby, so broken I used to be.
The God I serve has Blessed and has shown.
Plenty favor and grace over my family.
There's no need now.
To fake and pretend that for my children and I you really cared.
Your feelings against me.
In this season of my life.
I really don't care.
A moment stauls...
Somewhere in between
What shall always be...
Known as my lost and forever hour
Where I wake to sounds of thrashing rains
A clock sits staring, ticking and tocking
My own darkness illuminating lightning
Distant thunder following her in shame
Although, throes of raven blackness
Slumber holds on to the pitch
But, I pass through limbo hallways of surreal
Stumbling forth in directions by my blinded feel itch
Walls of lucid memories like dripping paint
Begin to lapse deep into the younger years
And creaking footfalls shatter their echo
Of certian remembered fears
"Ah" deja vu sounds the alarm even further
Cracks from father’s room, is the ceiling leaking?
Into my little ears I'm more awake
As I hear the faint famaliar tears of weeping
My curiosity ever stronger than before
And innocent eyes through doorways peer
It’s the war again; Mom said he tried...
To leave it all behind, but still it's always there
And the storm's outside, but in a booming violence
Rushes back surreal into the unforgotten killing
The death, its experiences still locked up
Within his mind never free or escaping
A heroes love is his strength
Protecting me from a world with terrible pains
But, somehow I’ve learned to understand
That he needs his son, to calm his troubled angst
And silently I step
Inching slowly towards him
And nestle up within his trembling hands
Tugging upon one sleeve whispering "Dad, oh dad?"
“God has sent me here”
I say directly in his ear
Quieter now “To love you”
My tone gentle to his needs
Wiping away his tears
He whispers back...
And picks me up, relieved
And in turn we face the scene
Of a passing storm into silence
As the rain seems alive to notice
Stopping to watch our mends in evanescence
We are somewhat aware we are within God's presence
Looking to each other with a shrug
And then my dad holds me up
Giving this boy the biggest hug
Beneath the returning quiet
And the ambience of moonray light
He carries me back to my room
And places me into bed amid the last flash of white
Pulls the blankets up
Knowing this will comfort me
And I’ll never forget the words
He said so effortlessly
You will have a son
Always let him know you love him
And your bond will never end”
Again I wake, this time
To the sounds of an apologetic rain
The lightening has ceased its battle
And the thunder it no longer blames
I unwind the blanket
And uncover and sit
Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes
Awake, on the edge of bed
Was this a dream?
Or a twist of fate reality?
I ponder, running fingers through my hair
And, merely reflect upon it
Then I realize…
I was not alone
Dad is watching, not far away
And I know one day, I'll see him soon, after heaven's gates