Can you see them run to me – arms wide and laughing,
calling me, Mama: keeper of the stars, moon and hearts?
Can you see them kiss away my pain, healing every hurt
that’s ever marked me broken, dead or dying?
Can you see them hurt me? When they curse me, flay me;
ground me with their unformed anger and bravado-uncertainty
until they fly behind doors, crying over what they’ve said –
wishing they could take it back?
O’, does that pride HURT!
It stabs the chest and holds…holds…holds.
Can you see them behind doors and feel their wishful hearts burn?
Can you feel them loving me through it all?
Love is not something easily hidden. Love like that breaks down doors –
sees through them.
Can you see my tears; feel the weight of them on your cheeks?
They are yours.
Where you are (past the furthest/closest door) can you see me in them?
Can you see the love I kept hidden in my dark and painful dungeon?
You never knew what he did to me – but deep down, I blamed you anyway.
There was only you left, you see; always you.
Can you see, I'm just like you?
If you can see me, you know.
And if you can hear me crying through this God Damned pen (all those notes –
all those written sorry’s slipped beneath doors - you must have known that
even at 37, I’d write you my heart in a note!)
You, Gran/Mother, are my one and only regret.
That for 7 years, I treated you like a burden, a bother, and a barrier.
I treated you like you should have treated me – an unintentional intruder;
like something taken, not given.
But worse than that, I treated you like an acquaintance.
Knowing how badly that must have hurt you, makes me want to be kicked in the face
until I am unrecognizable; to the rest of the world, and myself.
But life’s not like that, is it? No. You knew that, too.
My baby boy has your nose, ears, and eyes.
Do you think that if I whisper in his ear tonight while he sleeps (between you and me –
at the doorway), you could hear me?
Tonight, I will whisper love in his perfect ear (pressed up against heaven’s door) -
maybe you will hear me say,
“Indy…Gran, I’m so sorry. If you can hear me, please give me a sign so I will know
you’ve heard me. I want to see you smile again – just one more time…please…
let me know that somewhere, behind the door, you forgive me…”
And in the darkness of his bedroom; the moonlight covering his small face
like an angel’s kiss, the baby boy in her likeness, smiled.
Birth was suppose to come easier than this
I pant quickly as I was taught, but it isn't helping,
nor is squinting my eyes, helping to make the pain go away
But, then when pain evaporates like the tears in the corners of my eyes,
without ever getting a chance to slide slowly down my cheeks,
it fools me in thinking it is almost over now, and I should be happy
But all I can think about is my mother
and how different it was for her,
especially while her young husband was so far away
My back aches, and then once again,
I look for the owner of the mysterious voice, that is my own
I groan, and the doctor finally makes the desperate decision
I am given a block for the pain, an incision is made
and although I feel numb, and foggy, my mind in a haze
I can feel hands grope, ... a tug, a void, and then...the small noise... a cry...
And the next several hours are a blur
until everything is clear and I'm back in my room
on the sterilized sheets, too stiff, and too sleek,
too fragrant of bleach, to think about sleeping
This miracle I bore, soft as silk, with tiny closed fists, rose-petal nails
fills me with joy, with relief, with a deep pang of grief
for another time, another place, a place long ago...
I bathe in the scent of my brand new beginning ......
But my thoughts stream behind me,...... to a hope that had ended
My mother in bed, after losing her first....
So young, without child,........ bleeding red
from the war that she fought, while my Dad fought his own
I cry tears all alone.... for the grief that she owned
I so cherish the breath.....of this babe on my breast
The circle of life, starts with birth .....sometimes, death
Dramatic Verse (Verse Drama)
A Certain Kind Of Death
She was in love
Their expression of it
Was the perfection of it
The way they shared
What they had
Was beyond compare
Today is the culmination
Of their dedication
Today she is pregnant
Her heart sings
Then the phone rings
At the hospital
Next to her dead husband
How is this possible
Why did this happen
But not heartbroken
She still had a piece of him
She had to be strong
For their child
Even though he was gone
She had to find a way
To march on
Pain and spot bleeding
At the hospital again
Getting ready for birthing
No rhyme or reason
She took care of her body
Took care of her baby
Its two months too soon
For the child to leave the womb
Lacking strength and power
It only lived an hour
She could only scream
She could only scream
No strength to go through the motions
She hasn’t seen family or friends
Trying to find something within
nothing left to give
No reason to live
Her mind is out of reasons
she is dead inside
Her memories fading away
She’s doesn’t want to lose them
Tries to hold on to them
She racks her brain all day
Trying to find a way
To keep them fresh and vibrant
It came to her at a convenience store
A fisherman was buying some worms
She saw them wiggling
Saw them moving
She bought all they had
And took them home
She knew she had gone mad
But she didn’t want to be alone
Lying in her bed
Longing for the dead
She put the worms in her womb
And pretended her baby was alive
Her days were filled with joy
They were going to have a boy
Her husband would stay home
He could finally feel him kick and move
His happiness was there only wish
They would love and cherish
Every moment of everyday
The perfect family
For everyone to envy
She wasn’t alone anymore
She didn’t have to cry
She was no longer ripped and torn
Her evenings were horrifying
She wasn’t taking worms out
She was reliving her baby dying
She never once heard it crying
Never got to hold it in her arms
Failed to keep it from harm
She was useless
She was helpless
She was hopeless
She should have died too
She should have kept him inside her
Even if it had killed her
She decided one day
To keep her baby
Decided not to let the doctors take it away
She started to feel some pain
She decided on a name
She can barely move now
She would keep David safe somehow
She’s constantly bleeding and convulsing
She can feel his life pulsating
She gave birth before she died
With the worms pouring out
and of one thing there is no doubt
There is a certain kind of death
Waiting, for some of us
You came to me on angels wings
Your smile was so divine,
I looked into your big blue eyes
Not believing you were mine.
With skin so soft and hair of down
You came to me that day,
And as I held you on my breast
You stole my heart away.
Sweet child if you could ever know
The love I felt for you,
As the years flew quickly by
That love just grew and grew.
So I’ll just quietly watch you grow
Into a man my son.
I want you to know what a privilege it is
For me to be your mom.
Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
Gautami Phookans Contest:
The Sweetest Touches of Verse
To be called ..
~ Grandma is a Honor ~
I have been blessed with 4 Grandchildren
~ one lays in Heaven " Kaleb " He is God's Angel ~
~ His twin brother he will always watch over , and be in his soul~
For he loved his Brother so much in the womb ,
he chose Heaven which gave life to his twin
~ I feel his spirit when I see the other Grandson ~
Time passed another gift to see
we are " Mickes" and Loved
Our Dad held the title in Baseball
~ that's how we roll ~
those children are Grandmas hero's
The Irish they love big and Family is everything
The brothers will protect the beautiful sister
~ as many lads will be calling ~
Every time my Grandson hits a home run
There will be a Angel watching proudly in the stand
It will be as if the Angel lifted him when he runs
~no one runs faster then my Grandson~
either baseball or Art ~ you shall find your gift given
These children have been blessed~
~ a beauty to hard to describe
If you think not ~~ Take a look at the Mom
That girl can stop Traffic
after raising three and still~
"Inspired by the gift and loss of Grandchildren "
May our precious " Kaleb " softly rest where Angels only Dwell
No mother would fill up her eyes with tears of woman...
if it weren't for God performing a miracle at dawn,
as she cried out in joy and held her baby in trembling arms
but shed many sweet tears hearing his laughter so loud;
oh, he couldn't see her mommy's face through his tiny eyes,
and it will be long before he'll will utter the first word, " Mom."
Now that baby sleeps under the attentive look of his mom,
who's too young to become a mature woman;
many visions of this birth crossed her gleeful eyes
she dreamed of the very same words whispered at each dawn,
repeating them in her silly head as if they sounded too loud...
while cradling a pretty doll in her folded arms.
Will she be welcomed home by her parents opening their arms?
Will they reprimand her and not consider her a legal mom?
Perhaps they will not be angry and speak not so loud:
girls are supposed to be girls, not suddenly turn into woman...
So this innocent girl, deceived by a bad boy, must wake up at dawn
when her baby cries and feed him with scary, childish eyes?
Nights seem longer for her, trying to stay awake rubbing her eyes,
what she beheld in those exciting eyes, now it's a burden in her weary arms;
she remembers that pain was too unbearable, but joy more sublime at dawn...
how will she learn how to care for the infant by watching her mom?
She must have seen a nursery or read a book how to think like a real woman,
and can anyone imagine how she keeps that secret instead of revealing it loud?
She must gather enough courage inside to feed her baby who can't cry loud,
but for now she must carry that baby without sighs of distress into her bright eyes;
and her parents can see the changes making her a loving person already woman;
they may ask questions to why she has gained weight and holds dolls in her arms...
no, they aren't anticipating great news and in doubt, they await a splendid dawn.
Mother and daughter closely together amazed by the coming dawn,
any concealed secret can be easily spoken...somewhat joyful and loud;
they imagine the infant's futures will be part of grandma and mom!
Their reunited hearts come together to show love in their delighted eyes,
and they'll take turns feeding the new-born, tenderly lulling him in their arms;
what if forgiveness hadn't been there to deny her all of the joys of woman?
Would a mother deny her daughter compassion as a good woman?
Even God hurried dawn to offer that gift into her gracious, tender arms...
and those arms accepted it with the gentleness and kindness of mom.
My Son Moon and Star ~
Approaching the celebration of his Birth
cherishing the gift I received
within weeks of conception I knew
something amazing was in Creation ~
the Stars held a party
sending me with one of their own
Gazing at 3 shooting stars twinkling crossing the sky
It was magic It was destiny taking its flight.
In love with an October full moon
drawing and painting I liked
thinking of Vincent Van Gogh ~
caught in a loss of time
Hours going by as choosing my color
a wittness to three falling stars
A clear night sky sparkle's
A once Famous Star was sent
inspiring the tiny child inside ~
Never a doubt in my mind at all
child bearing was worth any pain received
yours will be in a pursuit of a dream ~
one to cherish and hold
My Son was born the following August ~
working on the set of Grimm 3rd season this year
as the set of Leverage for 3 years .
Has done a Indie movie here
In Paris it was seen and honored
coming soon filmed in Portland ~
"The House of Last Things "
awaiting the credits , you will see
1st Assistant Director ~ production assistant
My Young Lion Mans dream ~
A proud mom I watch every show and the credits
as foretold in a whisper to me 25 years ago
My Son & Moon and Star
A name you will all know ~
Happy Birthday to my creative Son
you will exist in my heart forever~
Where are you now, my baby girl
You came into my life and changed my world
I had you in secret because no one could know
To whom you belonged
Whose seed was sown
You had to be hidden away
So no one would find out
My terrible secret
The one that kills me now
I don't know where you are
I don't know where you've gone
I don't know how in this world
I will be able to press on
You have been gone so many years
You are an adult now
Unaware of your secret
Not knowing my vow
My baby girl I miss you!
Even though I have never seen your eyes
They took you straight from me
And told me it was wise
I wish I could have held you
Before they took you away
No matter what I will find you
And with me always you will stay
I have gotten so many comments to this end and I wanted to ease everyone's mind that this is not autobiographical. I wanted to sincerely thank everyone for their heartfelt concern, but there is no need. This is (for me) only a poem and has no bearing in real life. Thanks so much everyone!
Pull your blanket up my child
I know you are so very tired
Let momma tuck you in to dream
Of running free in meadows green
The sensation of butterflies flying within
As your heart joyously sings
An Angelic being growing inside
As your growing tummy gets harder to hide
The bond with your baby already so strong
You pray that nothing will go wrong
The instinct of the Mother already working
For any dangers that may be lurking
Your tummy ripples, your baby has awoken
The love you feel needs not be spoken
Upon your tummy you place your hand
On the growing bump that continues to expand
What a wonderful, magical time to be alive
Harbouring a soul that intends to eventually arrive
Keeping baby safe, warm and protected
While the umbilical keeps you literally connected
Being in control of the life of another
Is a great privilege to any a Mother
Never take this role for granted, EVER
As the way you shape your child, goes on forever.
©copyright Juanita Torr