Written by Gail DeBole
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
Note: Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of each November in the United States. President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed this as an official holiday in 1863.
The world as we know it will end!
This warning the Mayans did send
But yes there's still time
After reading this rhyme
To honor Black Friday and spend
There once was a lady named "Mom"
Who had a hard time keeping calm.
But she knows how to sew
And garden and mow
And she's a farmer on facebook.com
She's a grandma to Mel and Harmony
She's a young wife for "Gramps" who's 70!
She calms the waters
Of her four lovely daughters
And best of all she puts up with me.
I lost my old bucket so sadly,
And felt oh so terribly badly;
Then lo and behold
A pot full of gold!
I'd lose me another and gladly.
Santa Claus has been unemployed all year
On the dole watching TV drinking beer
Ms. Claus was going berserk
Its Christmas time you fat jerk
Get off your duff and saddle up them deer
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 1 in Francine Roberts "Christmas" Contest - December 2010
Christmas trees made of flimsy plastic
No thanks, Santa, I'm not that drastic
Predecorated trees? No!
Don't want a Christmas "to go"
This tinsel nightmare is fantastic
Salvation Army man rings his bell
Hoping apathy he will dispel
The reason for this season
To forget seems like treason
As we watch store owners pockets swell
The three wise men had it right you see
Worshipped a babe, not a tinsel tree
Omit the nativity
And create a travesty
Commercialized Christmas: Not for me
Entry for the Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
I once drank some beer that was green
The weirdest that I’d ever seen
They said, “It’s that way
For St. Patricks day"
I then peed with green in my stream
The reason for this post Christmas fax
Knowing Santa needs most to relax
After eating my fudge
He thought I had a grudge
To sneak him four ounces of ex lax
But was all a very sad mistake
Later to him regrets I will make
Rich food so delicious
Can be most pernicious
It was there for my relief to take.
© 25 Dec 2010 Charles Henderson
Cotton Candy is a pumpkin who
Is known as White Pepo too.
Her nice rounded shell
She keeps very well,
And one day she met Baby Boo.
Baby Boo is quite small, and at night
He might glow, an albino pure white.
He is both good looking
And good at cooking!
He and white Pepo make a rare sight.
Cotton Candy (White Pepo) and he
Got together, and baby made three.
With skin color cream,
The baby’s a dream
And he’s part of the Ghost family.
Like his Mom, maybe better, is he.
Ghost can keep for a long time and be
Just like his Dad too.
Like that small Baby Boo,
In the oven he can bake sweetly.
Another White pumpkin, meanwhile,
In Carol’s patch sat on a pile.
Smooth, round and pure white,
An adorable sight,
Is this pumpkin with decorative style.
Other pumpkins can read this and weep
For Halloween has a new peep!
For MINE, cute and small,
Has the name of Snowball
And clear up to Christmas can keep!
For Carol Brown's
"What No Orange Pumpkin" Poetry Contest
To save some money on Halloween
I use a technique and must come clean
Wear a scary disguise
Children emit loud cries
I laugh as they run away and scream
This is a true tale, I must confess
And it’s surely worked with much success
Come hither if you dare
The local kids think that I’m possessed!
*Written in honor of John Freeman and his "Boisterous Comedy" contest
I went on vacation to Hell,
The hotel was hot, with a smell,
And The Devil was rude,
When I toyed with my food:
He cooked all the dinners as well.
For Carolyn’s Vacation contest
< ladies ~ gentlemen ~ start those ...... engines
miss ~ Ho ~ down - prices .... would be a sin
best buy - circuit city
black ~ friday .... how pitty
5 am ~ now ~ who ~ wears ~ smiling ... grins
k- mart ~ wal - mart ~ target ~ pennys
red tag sales of many and plenty
but you must buy in bulks
and ~ get ~ guy ~ like ~ the ... hulk
to ~ push ~ cart ~ while ~ you ~ chat ~ with ... jenny
let's ~ all ~ hop ~ on ~ over ~ to ~ I - hop
your one stop for christmas breakfast slop
sure pancakes sounds yummy
but wait till hits tummy
be sitting on stool till it plops
Commericialized Holiday Humor Contest
Gl All And Happy Holidays
Love Kathy & Jenny
When I saw them coming I knew what to do
Straightened out the white sheets and pulled my mask down, too.
When the doorbell rang I yanked it wide
Three sets of eyeballs stood there white eyed~
They didn't expect my ghostly "BOO"!
"Trick or Treat" one finally professed
My staring gaze...they thought me possessed.
I grabbed a handful of candy for each
And with an alabaster hand stretched out my reach~
I thought, "Another Halloween Conquest"!
Will those who want rapture connect
To the one who could resurrect?
Be blessed with vision
Take in what's arisen
A member that’s hard and erect
Who needs parades or who gets the wing?
We have no need for carols to sing.
For what matters today
is:" Get out of my way!"
as Black Friday and bargains are king.
"It's a cuckold I am!", Mick sadly said
"I'm after finding black hairs in me bed!"
"An' there's a relief!"
Sighed Rusty O'Keefe
"I was shure ye were aboot ta say red!"
Written by Gail DeBole
Zelma Zotz's new year's contribution
Is to think of a definite solution
To avoid making a plan
(which she really can't stand)
For yet another new year's resolution!
Gail's Note: You can find some historical information about the history of the new year's resolution at http://www.examiner.com/article/history-of-new-year-s-resolutions.
Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding dong
I stood up to put my mask on
Grabbed the bowl of mixed candy
Took one more sip of Brandy
The smallest one was dressed as Tron
I made myself sick with the brown bag flu,
From drinking too much of that “Mountain Dew”;
So here’s what I say,
NO drinking today;
I pray this never happens to you!
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.*
*(I realize elateful is not a word, but I claim poetic
There once was a lady named Queen
That loved going out on Halloween
She’d give the kids a fright
That lasted more than a night
With ghostly looks and lips of green
The holidays are a time when we hold loved ones close
making New Year's resolutions to be better and not so morose.
With trimming the tree, the gifts, the cards, the good wishes for all
Spending too much time and money at the mall.
Our hangover on Jan 2nd makes our resolutions go out the windows.
She’s out there chasing a cricket
Through bush, through shrub & through thicket
Together they hop
But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
A cat whose vet took his eye
Just cannot quite understand why
His eye’s been enucleated,
3-D vision reduciated,
So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye
Ya gotta keep limericks loose
Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss
They’re structured, it’s true,
But they’re also a zoo
Whose tenants are all on the loose!
I frolic in fountains of words
Overflowing with serious absurds
Each poem I write
Wakes up and takes flight
Joining angels and faeries and birds
You ask that we write a good limerick
How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick
So I struggle and frown
Teaching poems to clown
So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick
A cat with a mouth full of mouse
Brought her feast right into my house
She played with her food
Who was not in the mood
To be a banquet of mouse in the house
The nightmares that shadow my sleep
Stampede the proverbial sheep
Right out of my mind
When I try to unwind
I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep
In her search for original truth
She met people unsavory and couth
She knitted and purled
But only unfurled
Yarns told by new age and old youth
Cat, suddenly pink,
Drinks her water from out of the sink
She looks so absurd
Since she’s been de-furred
I really don’t know what to think!
If one and one is two and two is four,
And there’s only two ways to go through a door,
Then, is earth up or down?
And, where is down town?
These are questions we need to explore!
A was that is an is
Tried to mind my biz
But I sent it packing,
Its presence was lacking
And I don’t have time for such shiz!
A couple who lived in Los Lunas
Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness
They’d stare at the air,
Over here, over there
And rejoice at the feeling of newness
A cat with a very fat gut
Found it easier to walk on his butt
He’d drag it around
Across carpet and ground
And use it to slam the doors shut
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,
“There’s something I think that you oughta
Do before we get old
To protect us from cold –
You oughta make the hot water hotter!”
The ghosts who live up in my attic
Make noises that sound much like static
I’ve tried to send them away,
But they’re here to stay,
Those staticky ghosts in my attic
Florida’s steaming sun comes into play
Even on the joyful Easter Sunday
An Easter basket prepared with great care
Wee Wendy eats before saying a prayer
In ninety-degree heat
Ah, the taste’s so sweet
Blonde it once was, but now brown is her hair
Li’l Adam tore through his basket too fast
Chocolate bunnies and eggs downed in a flash
His folks had hoped the Easter treats would last
But to the bathroom, Adam had to dash
*Couplet, Limerick and Quatrain
Written April 15, 2014
There once was a spry leprechaun
Whom I finally laid hands upon
And I planned to hold
Until I got his gold
Then he said it was all a big con
He said leprechaun gold was a joke
And his magic was all mirrors and smoke
But if I let him go
Good luck he’d bestow
To me and the rest of my folk
And so of course I let him go
Good luck? Well it has yet to show
But I think I did right
Let him out of my sight
I’m still waiting for riches to show
You all have known me awhile
And you know of my poetic style
It won’t bring me fame
You’ll forget my name
But with luck I just might make you smile
With "plenty" this culture's endowed
Bad outcomes are never allowed!
But nature's stealthy
And notes for the wealthy
Silver linings come with a cloud
©2012 C. Brent Cloyd
I bought a new scale at the Wal-Mart store.
Made it secure and level on the floor.
I took a breath, then stepped on.
The digits I saw made me moan.
Surely, I do not weigh two-fifty-four!
Let’s balance the scale, then I’ll try once more.
Adjusted proper, they’ll give the right score.
This time the scales will behave.
I stepped on, tried to be brave.
But with a grin they said “two-fifty-four”.
I would like to throw these scales out the door.
Wish they were lying, but I can’t ignore.
I’ve gobbled many things sweet
And chewed on too much red meat.
My expanding poundage is “two-fifty-four”.
My belly is huge, my chin is galore.
Need to lose it, but process is a chore.
Need diet low in fat and starch.
So my stomach will not arch.
Hope to be smaller than “two-fifty-four”.
Would a brisk walk cause my health to restore?
Would losing blubber help me not to snore?
Let’s get started. Soon I say!
Well - after the holiday!
Cause my clothes don’t fit at “two-fifty-four”.
~~~to Believe or not Believe~~~
Groundhogs are liars, they do not know
If Spring is here or there'll be more snow
So remember Groundhog day
They're just in it for the pay
While they put on their prophetic show
for Linda Marie's February Funny Bone contest
Francine Roberts ~~~ 31/01/2012
I know of a pretty New Jersey lass
Who decided to vacation First Class
But on the very first night
Oh no! Cancelled flight
What a total pain in the ass
I'm sure her tomorrows will be better
Or she'll surely be posting a letter
If her plane don't take off soon
It could be worse than High Noon
She'll be angry, we'll just have to fetter
When things couldn't have gotten any worse
Once again she has to dip into her purse
For the flight is okay
But triple charges she'll pay
A vacation just shouldn't be a curse
A leprechaun went to the pub
He asked for corned-beef in his sub
The corned-beef had mold
'Till he showed them some gold
They gave him free beer and fresh grub!