Lemme tell ya' about a
I met her one night
under disco lights
up at Candies
starin' at me
grittin' her teeth
aimin' ta' see
if I wanted a piece
by way of flashin' granny panties
actin' a fool
took a shot
and one tiny glance
but got caught
lit up a smoke
and tried to play it off cool
but it was too late
she had pulled up a stool
"Hey young felluh, where ya' been all my life!"
"Sorry to burst yir' bubble, but I got a wife!"
"That don't matter kid, what she don't know won't hurt the girl"
as she fisted my collar and yelled, "I'LL ROCK YIR' WORLD! Annie the Tranny is what they call me. Bet you been wanted ta' bone me since you first saw me!"
Fear and frustration danced on my face
I begged the bouncer to
"Get this he/she outta the place!"
My pleas were to no avail,
and that sea donkey lurked hot on my trail
flailin' it's arms and grindin' bar stools with it's tail
Speakin' of tails...
a shiny blue wale tail crept up her back
Her jeans were mean, but couldn't hold her underwear's elastic slack
but at least it beat feastin' eyes upon her crack
wrapped her grimy hands around my neck and asked,
"You n' me, boy, what the heck!?!"
"Look here lady, you seem real nice for a tranny;
to hit the bricks,
and yir' Granny Panties!"
At that point the joint started to really heat up
people were glarin' like they really wanted me beat up
I can't recall how the hell I got out of there
alive and free
it was like a big manly freight train
headin' dead at me
I'm pretty sure I owe the good Lord a big favor
that beast was the devil
and Jesus was my Savior!
It's a night I thought would never end...
the night at Candies Bar n' Grill
Granny Panty Annie got a thrill
tryin' to make me her sexy friend!!!
There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
There once was a raven haired Shrink
Who had orange Juice Tequilas to drink
While her scarlet souled Beau
Sucked her tinted red Toe
And she paled when he tickled her Pink.
Shall I compare thee to your mother's arse?
Thou aren’t more lovely, but more flatulent.
Rough winds do shake it; and bring on a farce
And all her clothes hath all too short a rent
Sometime too hot-headed of hell doth burn,
And often is the true nature exposed;
And every foul from fowl; my stomach churns,
By reason, or by nature's raging closed.
But thy infernal diet shall ne’er start
Nor gain possession of which now I grasp;
Nor shall we meet again; let’s stay apart,
When in eternal sounds the voice does rasp,
So long as men can breathe or eyes can cry,
So long lives this, and I bid thee goodbye.
Extraordinary, I am
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding the gift I shouldn't fought
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
The food of my soul
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart
Kiss saves and kills
Drop by drop KISS increases
To form an ocean of EMOTION
EMOTION in love billows
Around many pillows
With PASSION it is POWERED
You lose control over your EMOTION
Your EMOTION now sets you in MOTION
To the journey of no return.
You may ask, What is bad in it?
The bad IN it is at the END of it!
not sure how she got here
only know she needs to leave
underneath the stranger
my arm numb; asleep,
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry
princess of night
exposed by light.
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess.
along with my will.
I swore never again;
the lie is half the thrill.
I do not know?
The only one
My heart hopped,
Or I should say ‘stopped’,
I was shocked,
Because with me, he talked!
It’s me, the only one,
Whom he chose,
I’m the luckiest one on the earth,
It is like he has given me a red rose!
I was surprised, he’s so cute!
I stared at him, my voice mute,
It was like I was on cloud nine,
As if we were going to dine!
I was fully filled with glee,
The other girls did envy me,
He’s the handsomest, of all men,
And I said, “Yes, you can take my pen.”
Who says romance is dead?
What is this romance? Did it die as they often said?
No, I think not, I don’t think romance is dead.
He holds the car door open for me, but only to let me out.
He puts the keys in the lock for me, so none hears him shout.
He talks to me of all his wishes, but that's so he doesn’t have time for kisses.
He soothes my brow when I am stressed, but that’s so he can get a rest.
My tea he makes just how I like it, no milk or sugar and hot.
He says he does it that way; otherwise, I would like it - not.
He holds my hand to stop me wandering far far away,
Then he lets go as we cross the lanes on the busy dual carriage way.
He introduces me as “The Missis”
This love of mine so full of kisses,
He kisses everyone he sees, to show that he is faithful
He doesn’t need to kiss me, unless he wants to be playful.
Romance isn’t dead, I can be assured
In his love for me he will not be deterred.
He loves me now still quite a lot,
But that may be because of the money I’ve got.
I do not know?
'Love is patient'
'Love is kind'
The thought of love
Can turn you blind.
But... Now we must
Take some steps
To verify those
The first problem you see
Was that. . .
He lied about
You being fat
That in turn
Led ya to
He 'accepted' you.
Mirrors were made
For a darn good reason
And thinking you are nothing special
Is high, high treason...
And no! He's kind
You've lost your mind.
The recipe to love Is that
You have to love your self.
It's not about your facial features
Or the size of ya belt.
The man should be a rock to lean on
And not! A heartless swine.
So please next time. Do pick him wisely
Make sure he has a spine!
khud ko ek gol-gappa samajh raha hoon yaaron,
haha! kya karun aaj insaan banne mein maza nahi hai.
niche maal road par use gol-gappe khate dekha,
bas tabse gol-gappon ka deewana ho chuka hoon.
do pal usne taanka bhi, to darr sa laga,
lekin fir uski muskurahat ne, himmat bhi di.
tabhi toh nahi, lekin uske jaane ke baad gol-gappon par toot pada.
usi thele par, pata nahi plate wohi thi ya nahi.
khaate-khaate aankhon se paani aa gaya,
par uska ehsaas mujhe aur khaane par majbur kar raha tha.
jab aankhon mein itna paani bhaar gaya ki uske saare khwab beh gaye.
tab maine gol-gappon par rok lagayi.
saala baadme pata chala kal college ke liye toh paise bache hi nahi.
koi baat nahi dost kab aayeinge,
saalon ko khilaaya bhi toh hai,
toh khane ka bhi haq rakhta hoon.
kal unki band bajaoounga.
aansuon ne uske khwaab toh baha diye par iss dil se uski yaadon ko kaise nikaloon.
aaj yaaron lagta hai firse neend nahi aayegi,
mahina bhar tanhai me jeena padega,
koi baat nahi ab toh aadat si ho gayi hai.
waise lagta hai ab mujhe gol-gappon se bhi pyaar ho gaya hai. ha!ha!
bas khuda se yahi ek guzarish hai ke, kal ko woh jalebi khaate huye na mill jaye.
mujhe besh nafrat hai mithi cheezon se.
kaise khaoonga main.........jalebi shayyyyyyyy! hatt yaar!##
agar mithe mein kuch pasand hai toh bas khusboo.
wo bhi jab woh khud mere kareeb aati hai tab.
ek ajeeb si mehek hai yaaron usme.
nahin yaar! har ladki perfume ya deo nahi lagati.
bas wohi uski khusboo aur kuch mitha pasand nahi hai,
chahe wo cheez cadbury dairy milk hi ho.
khair aap log pak gaye hoge, so jaao. subh raatri.
waise mujhe toh neend nahi aanewali hai,
haan yaar! kahaan uske yeh sapne chain se sone denge?
khair aap so lijiye.
Where'd you go?
oh where did you go
my precious camel toe?
played me like a fiddle
with your bubbly middle
you're such a skanky hoe
but I love you so
we had magic
we had fire
purple sweatpants my desire
come back camel toe
victory! camel toe
you're the villain
you're the winner
with your puffy
you're my sassy hoe
you're my Christmas snow
gone like cold wind blows
with your return
my member grows
I miss my camel toe
where'd you go?
I do not know?
Kim Kardashian is a beaut, but we all know that she can be a sloot.
She was with Ray J for his dime, now their affair has ended up online.
She looks a bit like her Mom but in her prime.
Sorry Kris, it's past your time.
i dont care who you are
or what you think of me
build me up and break me down
then take your "stuff"* and flee
i hate you
you know it too
so bring it to my plate
take a point and hold my ground
to not spew all my hate
you were so nice in the beginning
well, what the "heck"* are you now?
gone, love, thats what you are
a filthy ugly cow
i am still the nice guy
lord, you have said so much worse
and still im here, i still get by
a blessing, not a curse.
i didnt snap hard enough to say what i meant
I love your soft kisses.I love firm but gentle touch. I love the way you bite your lip.I love you soooooo much.
I love the way you look at me.I love the way you smile. I love the way you're shy sometimes,Every once and a while.
I love it when you look at me, When I'm not looking at you. You think I do not realize it, But really...I do.
I love the way you cuddle. I love the way you sleep. I love how you bite your lip when something turns you on. I love the way you rub your neck,when you are thinking so deep.
I love all of you,Your nose, your lips, your hair, even your smelly feet. I love how you drink Dr Pepper. Morning noon and night. I love how if someone puts me down your always there first one there ready to fight. I will never stop loving you. You are so amazingly sweet.
I love that I love you.I have loved you from the very start. I LOVE ALL OF YOU,You alone hold the key to my heart.
It’s a mother-in-law’s right, her prerogative
To ‘drop in’ on her son almost any time,
But a mother-in-law should always be prepared
For almost anything she may find.
So, Mother Cready dropped in unannounced;
But as she approached her son’s front door,
Suddenly it opened. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?”
His young wife stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
“Oh, my word!” Mother Cready exclaimed with surprise.
“Why are you naked? Are you insane?”
Just as surprised, the young wife pulled her inside.
“Please, Mother Cready…if you’ll just let me explain.
You see, when Mac has had a rough day,
When he’s been under a lot of stress,
Sometimes I meet him at the door
With a smile and a kiss in my happy dress.
It always relaxes him and makes him happy,
Then he makes me very happy too.
It works for Mac and me, Mother Cready;
Maybe it would work for you.”
“We’re too old for such.” scoffed Mother Cready.
“Perhaps if we were young like the two of you.”
But, on her way home, she decided
She was definitely going to try it too.
So, she bathed and put on some nice perfume,
Fixed her make-up and her hair.
She was thinking some very sexy thoughts,
But she had to hurry…no time to spare.
She heard her husband’s car in the driveway;
And as he approached their front door,
She threw it open. “Ta Da! Do you like my happy dress?"
She stood there in her ‘all in all’…nothing more.
She saw a little grimace cross his face,
But that was not the worst.
Then he said, “I appreciate your happy dress, my dear;
But maybe you should have ironed it first.”
ALTERNATE LAST VERSE
“Well…your ‘happy dress’ could use some ironing;
But my birthday suit could use some starch.”
He kissed her. “Bet you and I can work it out.”;
And off to bed they marched.
The sun was shining brightly
As we drove around his land
And showing me his kingdom
First, before he asked my hand
We stopped for cake and coffee
It was almost half past two
And that tall man was shaking
When he told me I love you
He gently bent to kiss me
His lips began shaking fast
I thought this was the moment
That he would ask me at last
We climbed inside his Audi
Driving slowly to his farm
I thought this was the moment
When he gently touched my arm
But no, he was just helping
Me kindly into the house
We both walk in together
Was he playing cat and mouse
At six o’clock he brought me
Out to watch him milk the cows
And sitting on the stone fence
I watched as he fed the sows
I never thought he’d ask me
As I sat perched on my thrown
Then came, will you marry me
And his farm became my home
I know that’s not romantic
In this land of poetry
But standing in the manure
Was better than bended knee
Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
Contest: Will you Marry Me
Hearts to you-hearts to you
What can be said about
Valentines day that's not
been said before?
Only to say that I
love you so much that I
gave up my whore.
Inspired by shall I compare thee to a summers day (Sonnet 18)
Shall I meet thee on a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely than my usual mate.
Rough winds do shake your darling buds of May,
But summer's lease hath all too short a date.
Sometime too hot the eye of Helen shines,
And often the shade of my deception dims;
But Helen’s keenly watching sight declines,
By chance, or God’s allowance of my whims.
But thy infernal summer shall soon fade
And lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
And death shall brag thou serv'est as his maid,
Thine face shall host eternal lines that grow’st
So long as man can breathe or eyes can see,
So shall fair maidens congregate to me.
< Once was a gal shopped all garage sales
Nuts ~ bolts ~ screws ~ all found in one big pail
Husband said had nice rack
Wife turns ~ gives him.... good smack
Loaded - buckshot - and - boy - did - he .... wail
A Poets Garage Sale
We made love in the arbour
And loft--out of sight,
Then three times at the harbour
As the day turned night.
Let's go into the parlour
In the candle light,
There's no more time for ardour.
I'm ready to--Bite!
*Note: the black widow spider is known for killing and eating her male counterpart after she has exhausted him from all the 'love making'--mating.
pinned us together;
the breeze we were twirling through
could not cool us down
top of our last ride
on the bright
I shivered from love’s fever . . .
waiting for your kiss.
The poet was in love; as was his wont,
he took his lovely lady to the dell,
a place of solitude, his favorite haunt,
where two could go. . . and this is what befell:
With images of pleasure in his mind,
he led the fresh and beautiful young maid
through nature’s Eden. . . Soon they were reclined
upon a blanket in a secret glade.
the murmur of a stream, the trill of birds
accompanied him as he then intoned
his well-rehearsed and flowery sweet words
when unexpectedly, the maiden groaned. . .
“Please cut this short. Your jumbled verse is stale,
and tell me in that basket there’s some ale!”
Feb. 24, 2014 for the Angel of Odd Contest.
Stop resenting me
For the way I shop
The things I do
To make sure
My food is fresh
I confess I feel blueberries
In my fingers
To make sure they are firm
Not too ripe
I confess I shake
Cans of spaghetti and ravioli
So that I know
The sauce is not
I confess I pull frozen waffles
From the back of the freezer
Less likely that they thawed
And refroze into
I confess I smell trout
Before I buy it
Placing it against my nose
In the most unabashed
Spare me your hate
About my consumer habits
When I know it has nothing to do with
As long as I bring you warm release
In the darkness of your desires
Pull your tangled hair the way
Bite your darting tongue
In mad hunger
As long as I reawaken the
Primal animal hidden
Turn your heat into a river
For a long passionate
As long as I attend quickly to your
Every lusty command
The craving of your nympho
Then I can squeeze french bread
In quiet and peace
I can sniff cantaloupes
Without suffering ire
I’ll take you tonight
In that filthy way
Leave me alone
dancing for joy
Sitting on an open shelf
This beautiful maiden
Strolls into the shop
As my eyes whistled
She picked me up
Holding me in her hands
Smiling down at me
Oh I love
Words had trembling effect
with this cheese
Taking me home
You took a little bite
A little taste
Out of me
Lips softly grin
bursts in flavour
Opening a door
You placed me
on top shelf
Felt like royalty
Lights out wow
The last face
Ever so beautiful
out of date
Left in the dark
A smell started
in fungus hair
Awaiting you in dreams
You open the door
in the fridge
All I done
was shout cheese
Thrown in a bag
with the rubbish
That's me done
It was so sad
The green hairy
As you will not like
To see the ugly side
Of the green
I love Cherries.
Red White and Sweet.
The Cherry of a virgin who’s never had sexual Intercourse.
This Poem is about the 'hard to get' attitude ladies portray to interested guys.
Despite my unbelievable swag
repugnance is her reaction to my flow
despite giving no attention to her
she seeks every opportunity to shout "NO!"
I seldom want to be friendly
but she spits on me like a bitter foe
I then don't give a damn about her
and she takes it like a heavy blow
Out of nothing, she creates a scene
but all I can do is shake my head
and say Oh!
the more I mingle, the worse she gets
but I'll not succumb and act so low
she flaunts her male acquaintances for me to notice
Okay! You have admirers, so?
I guessed this is a one time attitude
but it has been occurring seven weeks in a row
When I register my presence around her
her body rhythm increases as if in physio
trying so hard to pretend
makes her seem like a shy dancing Buffalo
Then, I make her seem not existing
it's not my fault; you reap what you sow
signs of her sufferings begin to show
as her body trembles in sight of me
from head to toe
what a pleasant feeling this brings
seeing her drown in her own woe
She concedes defeat and already surrendering
showing by the way she's changing like melting snow
now playing the nice girl, but my ignore?
Makes her want to stone me with a Hoe
I'm beginning to compromise emotionally too
and I'm scared she will get fed up and go
so, I create my chance and kiss her
as she shows her joy like a swelling dough
revealing her hypocrisy, exhibited right from the beginning.
Since this feeling is now reciprocated,
she shrugs off the attitude and dumps it below
as a new damsel now emitting with an everlasting glow.
I Love It
I love it when you look at me with tenderness,
I love it when you smile and say you care.
I love it when you kill me with your sweetness,
I love it when you stay and lay bare.
I love it when it’s just the two of us,
I love it when we go back to the first time we met.
I love it when things run smooth without a fuss,
I love it when we solve our problems without a sweat.
I love the way you say my name,
I love the way you hold my hand.
I love the way you stay the same,
I love the way we kiss in the sand.
I love the way pout your lips when you’re mad,
I love the way you pinch me when I’m late.
I love the way you need me when you’re sad,
I love the way you tell me that you’ll wait.
I shall never fall in love with one who left her glass shoe
Neither will I ask your hand just when the poisoned apple unchoke you.
Never will I dare marry one who in ages has been sleeping
Nor elope with a looong-haired damsel prisoned yet painting.
For there can never be a sweet fairy godmother
But mothers-in-law acting god and bitter!
And you tell me we shall live happily ever after
When you would not even taste that pumpkin in your platter?
Stop staring by your window waiting for your armored knight
He will not fetch you with his horse tainted white.
And will you please stop thinking those birds sing songs for you
Fairy tales are not meant for someone as unloving as you!