Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Funny Holiday Poems | Funny Poems About Holiday

These Funny Holiday poems are examples of Funny poems about Holiday. These are the best examples of Funny Holiday poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Couplet | |

Poor Peter Pumpkin

Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.

The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.

Finally, the farmer came to check upon poor Peter,
measured him and then exclaimed, “You’ve grown an extra meter!

I think it’s time for you to finally go face the world.”
Peter got up from his bed. He twirled and twirled and twirled!

“Oh my,” the farmer shouted, “You’ve grown two legs with feet!
You’re a special pumpkin. My daughters you must meet!”

Poor Peter heaved his hefty bulk, waddling away,
following behind the farmer so he would not stray.

They traveled rather quickly, and soon they reached the house.
The daughters saw the pumpkin and grew quiet as a mouse.

The silence lasted just until at last one daughter spoke,
“A pumpkin with two legs? Is this some kind of joke?”

Her father knelt beside her and whispered in her ear,
“Do not be afraid, my child. You’ve not a thing to fear.

We can carve a lantern. It will be your Halloween treat.
Then we can make lots of pumpkin pies for us to eat.

Peter trembled and grew chill to hear their horrid plan.
Jumping out the door, he yelled, “Catch me if you can!”

He ran into the pastures. Then he tumbled down a hill.
As  he rolled he bumped into the couple, Jack and Jill!

“Oh dear me,” cried Peter, “I do not wish to be
a lantern for this Halloween. Please, can you both help me!”

Jack and Jill then led him to the land of Nursery Rhymes.
His sad fate has now been told to children many times.

For he ran across a guy named Peter Pumpkin EATER.
Maybe you can guess now what became of our poor Peter!


Written by Andrea Dietrich and Jan Allison, for the 
Halloween Co-Writes Poetry Contest of  Diane Locksley


Details | Quatrain | |

Twas the Night Before Christmas

(warning: adult humor) Twas the night before Christmas when I and my groom finally found a motel but with just one room. My groom was in the bathroom - leaving me alone- so that he could douse himself with some cheap cologne. I - in my red negligee - thought of bump and grind, visions of his sugar plums dancing in my mind. Then a noise I heard outside gave me such a fright! who was out there in the snow on our special night? Opening our small room’s door, I felt like a goof. It was just an icicle falling off the roof. Then I felt a sudden breeze. One unlucky bride! As the door behind me shut, I was locked outside. When upon my motel door I began to pound, it was clear that my dear groom did not hear a sound. Right before my startled eyes, what should then appear? Someone dressed as Santa Claus, filling me with fear! His eyes, though not so cheery, lit up, seeing me as he crossed the street and came stumbling drunkenly. I stood helpless, trembling in scanty siren red when an icicle fell down clunking my poor head. I revived in the ER, thong still on my rump! Underneath my bandage was an enormous lump. Thankfully my groom was there, smelling of Old Spice. But we’d have no chance to give gifts naughty and nice. At our room I later saw Santa Claus was there - that same guy who’d seen me in sexy underwear. Having seen my accident he’d informed my groom right before he then collapsed stone drunk in our room. Santa on our honeymoon with cheeks rosy red, (but not one “Merry Christmas”), stole our wedding bed. For Jerry's "What's up with Santa" Poetry Contest


Details | Free verse | |

What's up with Santa

                                             What’s up with Santa
                                            He's acting like a child.
                        Santa Claus is upstairs in his big red sleigh bed, 
                           warm and cozy in his red flannel comforter, 
                           wearing his red dropseat pajamas, and hat
                                               sick with the flu, 
                                       constantly ring that darn bell. 

                                          Ting-a-ling, Ting-a-ling … 
                                             There it goes again 
                             Yessss… Dearrrr… I know you don’t feel good,
                           your throat hurts and is sore when you swallow 
                  your body is in pain, like a herd of reindeer has run over it 
                 A warm cup of hot cider and a cinnamon stick to give it flavor
                                               will ease the pain.

                                  I should have never given him that bell  
 
                                           Ting-a-ling, Ting-a-ling … 
                       Yessss… Dearrrr… I know your frequently, coughing 
                       is making your rib cage feels like it’s going to break
                          I will get some milk and chocolate chip cookies  
                                  so you don’t have to get out of bed

                    I wish Santa would quit constantly ringing that darn bell.
                          If he hadn’t shoveled the snow off the sidewalk 
                  and let the elves do their jobs, he wouldn’t be sick right now

                                            Ting-a-ling, Ting-a-ling … 
                     Yeessss… Deeaarrrr… I’m sorry your head is stuffed up, 
                              nose is red, hurts, and won’t quit running
                                 Reading the Naughty or Nice List 
                      will help you not think about what you're going through

                                 What came over me to let him have a bell

                                           Ting-a-ling, Ting-a-ling … 
                Yeessss… Deeaarrrr… You’re running a fever, freezing, and shivering
                               I will go inform the elves not to dawdle
                            keep making the toys in Santa’s workshop 
                           and make sure they take care of the reindeer

                 Oh! My! I hope Santa gets well before Christmas gets here, 
                                 so he’ll get better and out of my hair
                                or I am going to hide that dumb bell

                                                
  
 
By Eve Roper “What’s Up With Santa” Contest:Sponored by Jerry T Curtis


Details | Free verse | |

Golden Dreams

The Leprechaun.

. 
Run, run, run as fast as you can...
I'm still gonna get you, my little green man...
I grabbed on to the gold buckle on his waist...
I held him down, with no time to waste...
I tied The Leprechaun to a hollow tree,
Broke off a branch and poked him on the knees.
I kept on poking him with a stick.
I kept nagging him to reveal his magic trick.

This little shamrock kid would not break.
He kept insisting THE LEPRECHAUN legend was fake.

This little odd dwarf kept lying about his mythical pot of gold. 
I kept repeating all the stories I've been told..  
Nagging him and nagging him~ FOR HIS POT OF GOLD!
He lied, about the fables, telling me his gold does not exist...
The Leprechaun refused to hear the clover list...


**** 

It's been 7 days!
And, still he won't give up, what's at the end of the rainbow. 
Tickling his little Eskimo toes,
Running feathers underneath his nose. 
"Look you little green treasure troll, I've captured you, and demand the gold!"
"You won't get me with your tricks!"
"So don't even try to outwit me with your silly MAGIC!" 

I suppose his silver-tongue, will have to do,
And the little gold buckles on his shoe.
I got tired of trying to make him see, my point of view.
I got a better deal and trade for a monkey at the zoo.
Now the lions are enjoying a Pot of Leprechaun Stew. 
After All! 
Nothing I did, made him unfold.
All I wanted was his pot of gold!

by;pd


Details | Lyric | |

Beer Pong Balls

-Sing along to Jingle Bells-


Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


Drinking Michelobe... Sipping on some Jack...
We just made two cups... Give us the balls back!
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Guys can finger cups... Girls know they can blow...
I'm hall of fame, In this game, cause I drink like a pro

OOOOhh!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


A day or two ago... Drinking Miller Light...
I had won eight games, and then got in a fight...
Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
We ran out of beer... Had to get some more...
If I'm alive, then I can drive, let's all go to the store!

OOOOhh!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you sink, the more I drink.
It's Christmas, let's get drunk!

Heeeeeyyyy!

Beer pong balls! Beer pong balls!
Landing in my cup.
The more you make, the more I take.
It's Christmas, lets get drunk!


Details | Narrative | |

Ewmer Fudd the Easter Gwinch and Dis WEALLY Buggs Me -

Pweeze wet me expwain, officer - 
I taught it was dat wascally wabbit agin...
buwwowing under my ewectric fence,
eating up my cawwots. wettece, my bwoccoli
and-and...even my woot-a-beggers!
He's a weal pest...constantwee hawassing me,
destwoying, wandom wooting, wuining my cwop...
din waughing at me! (Dere outta be a waw)

Wha...awwest me?...Dis is an outwage!
I am a waw-abiding citizen!...Wead me my wights!
I demand pwoper mis-wepwesentation!
I am going diwectly to your superwior office, pwivate!
Bewieve it my fwiend, you will wive to wegwet this...
Ow! Must you be so fweekin WUFF?...Dat hoits!
I have woomatism you know! Powice bwutality! Po...
Aw scwew it...Wes! Wes! I moidered da widdle bum!

(Wunning awound dwessed wike dat
distwibuting doze siwwie cowoured eggs
Embawassing widdle cweature...
It's a downwight disgwace I tell you)

2/26/2013



Details | Limerick | |

December 21, 2012

The world as we know it will end!
This warning the Mayans did send
But yes there's still time
After reading this rhyme
To honor Black Friday and spend


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Optimistic Pessimists Resolutions

Get in shape, lose some weight. Every year it’s always the same. Read a book, stay home and cook, And I only have myself to blame. Till some land, lend a hand. You’d think that I’d be smart enough, Cards to send to a sick friend, To ignore this self-improvement stuff. Get more sleep, don’t sell cheap. But it is an annual institution, Take a class, use less gas. To make a New Year’s resolution. Eat less meat, be more discrete, Why must they always be so hard? Be more caring, try more sharing, This time of year puts me on my guard. Be more polite, sleep at night, I wish for an easy way I will confess. Work hard all day, don’t over stay, To keep the resolutions that I express. Only say what you mean today, What if I only made an easy pick? Do your best to skew the test, Then my word would surely stick. Eat more snacks, take more naps, I’ll confuse my karma and trick it. Watch TV, look out for me, This might be just the ticket. Stay up late while cheating fate, This is a New Year’s revolution, I’ll make my list then I’ll insist, That I keep this year’s resolution. And when it’s time to stay in line, But my promises I fail to keep. I’ll not hide as I backslide, As the benefits I will reap. I’ll be complete whenever I cheat, And by default I’ll do what I should. It won’t make me sad when I do bad, Because my failing will only do me good.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Bird is the Word

I don’t know what I’m complaining about, it’s not like I’ve been cuffed, All I have to do is show up for dinner. After all it’s the bird that got stuffed. It’s not like they’re asking a lot from me they won’t work me till I’ve croaked, All I have to do is show up and eat. After all it’s the bird that got smoked. I can’t tell you that they’ll torture me and it seems to be reasonably priced, All I have to do is visit for a while. After all it’s the bird that got sliced. I could tell them things to make them laugh until their gravy becomes splattered, All I’d have to do is tell a joke to them. After all it’s the bird that got plattered. I think that it smells good enough that I’ll eat until they claim my leg’s been hollowed, All I have to do is not complain about things. After all it’s the bird that got swallowed. I’ve never given it much thought before but a bird’s life is really kind of murky I guess I’d rather be the Thanksgiving guest today than be the Thanksgiving Turkey.


Details | Couplet | |

Thief in the Night

I bought all the candy for Halloween night, 
Into the cupboard, it sat in plain sight

When later I looked, I just about flipped!
I saw empty wrappings, the bags were all ripped!

The treats were all missing,...so back to the store
I bought several bags, at least three or four.

Now back in my kitchen, I climbed on a chair
To hide them up high on a shelf that was bare...

Behind an old crock pot that he'd never use...
But would you believe, he discovered my ruse?!!!

The big night arrived and much to my grief
The candy had been eaten by that darn sweet toothed thief!!!!

The door bell was ringing, trick-or-treaters had come
I ducked out the back door, and fast did I run!!

Right back to the store, I flew like a witch...
The clerks heard me cursing, like a grouchy old b - - - -!

The store had no candy, sold out every piece
No Big Hunks, no Snickers, no Hersheys or Reese

I bought bags of apples.... gave them out in disgrace
Every kid on the block had disgust on his face

The next Halloween, I'm not buying ahead
I'm a last minute shopper for the candy, instead..

And to all you folks, who buy treats in advance
My advice to you all, is don't take such a chance!
Something else you should learn, from this frustrating tale...,
Next time you buy candy, attach some loud bells!!

------------    P.S.... (A Moral to the story, for an evening so gory).... 

                   He was licking his chops, while he had his sweet binge
                   But goblins were watching, ........and took their revenge....
                   That Halloween scrooge...Mr. Thief in the Night
                   He chipped his back molar, as he took that last bite!!





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted for "Funny Spooks" contest
Sponsored by Carol Brown


Details | Rhyme | |

Thanksgiving Cards

Should it happen that someday they're seeking struggling bards,
To compose witty verse for Hallmark Thanksgiving cards,
I think that I should like to summarily submit,
The following mots for consideration, TO WIT:

(1) Savor the oyster dressing, giblet gravy and thigh,
The sweet pertaters, green bean casserole and punkin pie.
Hope you have a goodly supply of sodium bicarbonate,
To counter the wrenching effects of all that grub you ate!

(2) To Grandma's house, hordes of kith and kin will repair,
For a delectable repast (after Grandpa ends his interminable prayer!)
May naught but love and fellowship dwell amongst you there,
As His bountiful harvest each of you gratefully share!

(3) The Thanksgiving meal is over, men folk watch ball teams battle,
While the women folk sit about the table engaged in idle prattle.
Mom's thoughts are elsewhere on how to deal with left over turkey;
She's a genius at creating soups and potpies, even turkey jerky!

(4) A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.
Relish this time together and have a ball!
And may all with thankful hearts ever lift,
Praise to Him, the Giver of every good gift!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

The Christmas Song -Of Woe-

Overdue bills burning on an open fire
Debt collectors knocking at the door
Yuletide woes being sung by my husband
And I.R.S. sending letters to ignore

Everyone knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Would help to make the season bright
But we'll be eatin' beans,    'cause my pocketbook is clean
Oh!   We're out of Tums.......the house could blow tonight !!!

They say that Santa's on his way
But our petty cash won't jingle much today
So this mother hen is going to sit and cry
Because this hungry gal won't have an egg to fry!

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase....
To folks in Washington D. C. .........
Although the recession....has put us in depression...
Find devices,  to lower prices !!!.......
AND FIX THIS CRISIS!...........Would you pleeeeeeeease???
_____________________________________________________________________________

Just kidding....!!:)  In case the I.R.S. reads this!!

Original song:  "The Christmas Song" ..written by Mel Torme'....1944


Details | Free verse | |

Georgia Muse

I went to Georgia without my bonjo in my hand I knew it would be great after I landed and took a stand I told them my name and they asked, "What's your fame?" I reached for my muse and turned it loose like a goose They straightened their ties and said “O’ me, O’ my!” “We made a mistake about this poetic rhyming guy!” Someone handed me a bonjo and they all joined the tango My muse had its way and we had a wonderful stay As we departed for home they started to sing, “Hurry back poet, may your muse give you wings!”


Details | Couplet | |

MRS. CATHY NEEDS SNOW

            MRS. CATHY NEEDS SOME SNOW

I called up the thunder; I called up the rain;
I left a message; and gave them your name.
  I left a deposit; at Your Rent to Own;
  As soon as they get some; they'll deliver it home.
I  e mailed the Governor; with request for some snow;
But nobody answered; they're busy you know.
  Frosty the Snowman; says he'll try his best;
  To grant you your wishes; for this special request.
I got in my car; and drove in the dark;
To that special place; where angels do hark.
  I entered the union; of Unity Hall;
  They said they can do it; they'll give you a call.
At Natural Disasters; they all agreed;
They guaranteed me; you'd get what you need.
  I yelled up to Heaven; I asked for the boss;
  St.Peter then told me; for you there's no cost.
Early this morning; was a knock on my door;
Good God it was Elvis; singing let the snow pour.
  Cathy my dearest; worry do not;
  Sweet heart I'm on it, with all that I got.


Details | Senryu | |

Fantasy Escape (Senryu)

World of Walt Disney The day after Thanksgiving Shoulder to shoulder © Joseph 11/23/07 © All Rights Reserved Author’s Comments: The Japanese Senryu format has three lines as follows: the first has five syllables, the second seven syllables, and the third five syllables. The pattern is 5/7/5 for a total of seventeen syllables. The Senryu is about an emotional expression, human nature, and things in the human realms which maybe satiric or humorous.


Details | Verse | |

Ding Dong The Wicked Witch is Dead

Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Thatcher’s dead.

Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Thatcher’s dead.

Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Thatcher’s dead.

Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
Thatcher’s dead.


Details | Haiku | |

Easter Bunny

Do the Easter Hop
Basket filled with  Sweet Joy
Candy and A Toy


Details | Burlesque | |

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire

   










Details | Alliteration | |

Alliteration Holiday

Labor day holiday is laughingly laborious
Pack a punch of partying
On one only lonely playful day
Tonight the trio sets the timepiece to 
alarm again in the am another
Work and school worry with the rules day

Contest: Alliteration
Sponsor:  John Freeman


Details | Limerick | |

Saddle Up Them Deer!

Santa Claus has been unemployed all year

On the dole watching TV drinking beer

Ms. Claus was going berserk

Its Christmas time you fat jerk

Get off your duff and saddle up them deer

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 1 in Francine Roberts "Christmas" Contest - December 2010


Details | Haiku | |

Playing Peek A Boo {Edit}

<                             coniferous tree
                       playing peek a boo .... shuffle                                
                              candid smiles glisten


{ Christmas }






Entry For
Deborah Guzzi's
Holiday Haiku Contest
G.L. All


Details | Rhyme | |

Black-eyed Peas

Nigh on sixty years ago this Yankee from the State of Indiana,
Wed a lovely Confederate lass from the State of Louisiana!
I thought I knew her pretty well by the time our vows were read,
But there was a New Years Day secret that she had left unsaid!

Seems there's an old southern tradition that I'd never heard of before.
By eatin' black-eyed peas on New Years Day you'd have good luck, she swore!
That lowly, bland legume is rather tasteless but a hambone spices it up.
And my spouse adds this and that to the mix, usin' her measurin' cup.

With the black-eyed peas is served cornpone (as it's called in Dixie land),
From a recipe handed down by generations and it must be made by hand!
Since I was introduced to that humble pea known for its great good luck,
'Tis our chuck on New Years Day with a generous decanter of Cold Duck!

Now, in Hoosier Land on New Years Day we ate sausage and sauerkraut.
Whether is helps to eat peas or kraut for a year's good luck, I somewhat doubt,
But, I must confess with my spouse at my side, life has mostly been a breeze.
Do you reckon it has somethin' to do with eatin' 'pone and black-eyed peas!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Russell Sivey's "Good Luck Meal" Contest - Jan 2012


Details | Clerihew | |

Rudolph

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Wanted to lead the sleigh but had a major fear If Santa called him on that night of nights... He 'd have to confess, "I'm afraid of heights!" Sure enough, fog came in on Christmas Eve A summons from Santa he did receive For courage he took a few little nips Sadly, he remembers none of the trip..


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Hound

My dog likes the decorations from the Christmas tree, He can eat them without any guilt because they are fat free. He knows which stocking belongs to him and he checks it every day, He checks it by chewing it up, it’s a game he likes to play. Sometimes in the candy dish I will find a suspect slobber mark, I know that he’s been sampling both the milk chocolates and the dark. He ate a whole roll of wrapping paper the kind with shinny foil, Then for dessert he had a bow and some curly ribbon from the coil. He helps us to remember the good times when Christmas time has gone, When the snow melts in the spring and we find spangles on the lawn.


Details | Haiku | |

Easter Bunny Race

Easter bunny race
Fell as he could not keep pace
Muddy bunny face


Details | Limerick | |

A Thankful Turkey

Written by Gail DeBole

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"



Note: Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of each November in the United States.  President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed this as an official holiday in 1863.


Details | Rhyme | |

Waiting For Santa

My brother told me you’re not real and sissy said that too
But Santa I know they are wrong and I will wait for you
I hung my stocking on the hearth; it’s waiting for you there
And since they are so little I thought I’d hang up a pair

Mommy is making cookies so you’ll have a snack to eat
Daddy said make chocolate chip, the kind that’s semi-sweet
I don’t know how my Daddy knows what cookies you like best
I think he hopes when you are done that he’ll get all the rest

Our chimney looks so tiny that I hope you don’t get stuck
To get all of my presents down you’ll need a lot of luck
Mommy told me not worry that you will find a way
Then she smiled at Daddy to see just what he would say

My Daddy told me sometimes you put toys together here
Just like the new bicycle that you brought for me last year
You must have had a hard time ‘cause I thought I heard you yell
It sounded like you hurt your hand but the bike was really swell

Did Daddy help you build it? ‘Cause it sounded like his shout
Next day he had a Band-Aid on, so what’s that all about ?
When I asked him what happened, it was really a surprise
‘Cause I thought I saw your twinkle Santa, in my Daddy’s eyes

I just don’t understand this year why Daddy looked so tired
When he heard all the things I want said “assembly required”
But anyway I know you’ll come, ‘cause Mom and Daddy said
That I have been a real good boy and now I’m off to bed


Details | Limerick | |

No Candy Needed

To save some money on Halloween
I use a technique and must come clean
     Wear a scary disguise
     Children emit loud cries
I laugh as they run away and scream

This is a true tale, I must confess
And it’s surely worked with much success
     Electrifying hair
     Come hither if you dare
The local kids think that I’m possessed!



*Written in honor of John Freeman and his "Boisterous Comedy" contest


Details | Acrostic | |

Easter EGG, Abecedarian: with egg shape-

                            
                          =====
                       April Aroma...
                     Beckons Beauty.
                   Come Children!!!....
                 Daisies Daffodil.........
               EASTER EGGS EVERYWHERE
                Fun Filled Freedom.......
                  Giddy Giggly Games...
                    How ya' Hangin'???
                       Just Jolly Joey!
                           =====

              HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!


Details | Rhyme | |

Sweet Potato

Aroma baking
Pleasure making

Peanutbutter cake
Don't want no fake

Souffle' today
Tomorrow no weigh

Cheesecake crumb
Pour me some rum


Details | Sonnet | |

Christmas Wishes for You

For anyone struggling in the holiday season!!

Although there's nothing much that I could add
to all the Christmas wishes ever made,
I'll wish for you that traffic won't be bad
the day you shop and that you may get paid
some kind of Christmas bonus for a change,
and when beneath the mistletoe you stand,
I hope you're not approached by someone strange,
but rather by a stranger who is grand!
And should you be so childish (I mean bold)
to ice skate on a lake or board the snow,
I pray for you that you don't catch a cold
or break a leg as down some hill you go.
My wishes, like my gifts, are kind of cheap;
May faith in them require no giant leap!


Details | Limerick | |

Black Friday

<                     ladies ~ gentlemen ~ start those ...... engines
                         miss  ~ Ho ~ down - prices .... would be a sin
                                        best buy - circuit city
                                   black ~ friday .... how pitty
                        5 am ~ now ~ who ~ wears ~ smiling ... grins 





                          k- mart ~ wal - mart ~ target ~ pennys
                              red tag sales of many and plenty
                                 but you must buy in bulks
                        and ~  get ~ guy ~ like ~ the ... hulk
                to ~ push ~ cart ~ while ~ you ~ chat ~ with ... jenny




                         let's ~ all ~  hop ~ on ~ over ~ to ~ I - hop
                         your one stop for christmas breakfast slop
                                sure pancakes sounds yummy
                                     but wait till hits tummy 
                                 be sitting on stool till it plops




Entry For
Carolyn Devonshire's
Commericialized Holiday Humor Contest
Gl All And Happy Holidays
Love Kathy & Jenny


Details | Haiku | |

Dancing Angels

Angels in heaven
Dancing on a small puddle
Always stay afloat


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Magic of Christmas

In our first year of wedded bliss we were very tight on cash, Some popcorn and a jigsaw puzzle would be our Christmas bash. All that year when Friday came a date night plan was born, Together we’d work a jigsaw puzzle and then we’d pop some corn. As I look back, the puzzles were an allegory of our life, Fitting pieces to make a picture together as man and wife. The popcorn was but a memory of date nights long ago, When we could afford the ticket price and go and see a show. So when I spied the coupon for a three-pound bag of corn, I knew that for just one dollar our Christmas wouldn’t be forlorn. And so I bought it and wrapped it up and stashed it underneath the tree, I hoped that she wouldn’t get too mad ‘cause she didn’t get a gift for me. When morning came I made her look to find her present there, But under the tree instead of one it seemed there was a spare. Oh no, I thought, what has she done? She’s a better shopper by far, I only bought her a three-pound bag of corn I didn’t set too high a bar. “Open it” she said and smiled her smile that lit a fire in me, “I’ll tell you what, let’s open them together on the count of three.” One, two, three and the wrapping flew and fell upon the floor, Then we kissed and laughed because we’d learned what the holiday was for. We learned a lesson that day about the magic of a Christmas morn, It seemed that we would start the year with six new pounds of corn. The gift that we gave to each other that day had nothing to do with bows, It was the love that we have for each other that still binds us as it grows.


Details | Rhyme | |

4:20, Four- Twenty, The Earth Day Birthday

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Rhyme | |

The Haunted House and The Halloween Mouse

One day at a haunted house....
You'll never guess what I saw!!!
Well, it was a great big ghost...
Coming out of the wall!

The ghost just stared at me...
So I gawked at it too..
And I thought..."It just couldn't be?!!"
Until that sucker said BOO-O-O!!

After it said BOO! to me!
I ran all the way up the stairs!
And guess what else...."I did see!"
Ghosts nearly everywhere!!

Then at me a came a flying!!
They kept on yelling BOO!!
I almost felt like crying...
Until I yelled my BOO-O-O-O-O!!!!

After I yelled my BOO!!!!
You should've seen them run!
Now let me tell you!
I've never had so much fun!!

So then I left that old haunted house...
And went walking down the street..
When up to me came a little mouse...
And the mouse said..."Trick or Treat!"

So I asked the mouse.."What's with this Trick or Treat?"
"Just what the heck do ya mean?"
And the mouse said...."Give me something to eat!"
"Don't ya know sucker it's Halloween!!"      


Details | Narrative | |

Ghetto Santa

Upon our roof top did he arrived, two reindeers short and blood shot eyes.  With his gray 
and black beard with bits of food inside…I thought it was suppose to be white?  They also 
told me he had a cute button nose…his nose was big and by no means cute. He attempted 
to enter thru the chimney top, only to discover that it was a false smoke top. So he being 
Old Nick, I could hear him as he fumbled with some keys as he did huff in discuss.  His 
belt did seem a little bit too big for his gut and his and butt was as big as my dad’s big old 
butt. From behind the big chair were I did hide by the tree, I could smell the aroma of 
cheap alcohol coming off his breath as he bent over by the Christmas tree to deposit our 
gifts. To despite the fact that he had been to plenty of houses before ours that had real 
chimneys, his red suit was not covered with one drop single drop of soot! No not even one 
dirt spot and the boots that he had on look like my dad's old work boots! I chuckled to 
myself… and said maybe it’s made of some special stuff? As I he place the last gift in 
place up under the tree, he then reach his hands to the sky and then grabbed his lower 
back, I thought he was suppose to be jolly and all that stuff? The whole time he was here, 
I could almost be certain that I could hear him cursimg from up under his breath… but to 
my surprise he eat the cookies and milk that my mom had left, but the damndest thing 
happen as he flung his back pack over his back and proceed to leave, but instead of going 
back out the front door, he made a sudden turn toward the stairs and went up and into my 
parents room and never left? I final said I had seen enough, I just chucked it up to 
another year in the Ghetto and my first real sighting of legendary Ghetto Santa and one 
which I hope would be my last!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Cwistmas Dinner at the Fudds

Hewwo and Mewwy Cwistmas dearwest Bugsy!
Season's gweetings to you Daffy D!
So gwad you fwew out this way
Bwess my bones, if it ain't Wosemite Sam!
(Pweeze weave your shotgun in the guest womb)
Good gwacious, it's my owed fwiend Porky!
Petunia! You wook absowootly wavishing
Come in and rewax; take a woad off your...

Anyway, the hog is woasting on the wotisser...
I mean the boid is bwowning in the ov...
Wabbit stew is simmerwing on the sto...
Uh, Bugs, Dere's cwunchy cawwots in the pantwee
Daffy, I beweave there's fwesh fwog in the fwidge
Porky, I frew out some weft-overs wast week
Wet me wun out back and check...
And Sammy, twy not to shoot out the wights...

12/4/2012
For Fwancine's contest


Details | Couplet | |

Halloween hand me downs

I was the youngest kid of eight
Halloween was never that great
Orange clown shoes were too big
An old purple horrendous witch's wig

My sisters tutu I that wouldn't use
My brothers cape smelled of doo doo
Superman pants that didn't latch
And that makeup covered eye patch

That Halloween I knocked on this door
The lady was laughing and kicked the floor
Her husband then came around to peek
Then laugh so hard his knees got weak

She said "Oh honey, let's give him the lot"
He agreed, only if I posed for a snapshot
She said "you stay right there, don't move"
I took off so fast, I lost my clown shoes


Details | Light Poetry | |

Star Trek Rules

Star Trek Rules!

It was time for: Comic Con! Comic Con! Dragon wanted to come, too!
But then so did everyone else at Troll Lake… Hey, now, wouldn’t you?
We made some really cool costumes… for the costume show, my Dear.
You can guess, ‘Star Trek Rules!’ It couldn’t be anything less, you hear. 

Our favorite nighttime popcorn show, would truly now, become a part of our lives! 
The penguins got permission from the zoo; to go… great publicity, so very wise.
McRacoon had his Las Vegas Dragons get us, and a mock saucer, there, all on time.
Naturally pre-registered and in costume, we strutted in! Hi there! Began the playtime!

Man we were really cool, as the guest actors ask for OUR autographs. For Real!
Pictures were snapped, and a poster made, to be signed by everyone, so cheerful.
It’s highest bid, given to charity, would be a nice touch, for everyone in our crew.
The costume show was set outside, where all the dragons, could fly in, or out, too.

And a small mock, star ship was landed on stage, so we could enter with more flare.
Lord a mercy! Look at us! We’d never be like this, again! We were like stars, I swear!
Grandpa Troll, became Mr. Spock, naturally, because he was so, very clever and wise.
Our neighbor witch, was Uhura, due to her great ability to, protect everyone’s’ lives. 

Borp the Frog became Sulu, so he could take us up to Borp speed, with laser effects!
Hubby was Scotty, with the Tinker Trolls in engineering, for special effects, so perfect!
The penguins were the beloved crewmembers, running with lasers, all over the place.
The powder puff tribbles, got wet, so yes, became the ‘Trouble with Dribbles’, in space.

The Mary River Turtles wanted to be Checkov. What a groovy, exciting, security team.
Dragon wanted to be Captain Kirk, you know, like totally, in command… At the scene!
All agreed, I’d be a great Dr. McCoy, since I always get to, kiss the Boo- Boo’s away.
The Weird Frogs were the Aliens, chasing everyone mindlessly, around, the set, that day.

And the Las Vegas Dragons, became attacking star ships, over which our lasers won!
The crowds went wild, and we won first place in their hearts, as well as, in their minds!
Everyone had, such a good time, so the Trek continued, well after, when we got home.
That year Comic Con made the National news, and of course, nobody, was surprised!

As the residents of Troll Lake and Acorn Falls… continue to Trek on… every day!

By Mike and Carol Eastman… 


Details | Couplet | |

I Do Believe In Santa Claus

I do believe in Santa Claus.
Although I'm scared he'll see my flaws.
I think he knows I pick my nose
and play with jam between my toes.
He probably knows I bite my nails
and burp and fart to no avails'
But what I know for sure is strange.
That I am stubborn and will not change.

I do believe in Santa Claus
who sees me when I'm sleeping.
And hide beneath my pillow
when I think that he is peeking.
I know I've made the naughty list
and even changed my name.
Unless he knows my old address
and holds me to my shame.

I do believe in Santa Claus...
but I am cautious just the same.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Bowing Tree

We were so pathetic our first year of marriage. They say that being poor builds character, maybe that explains it. 
 

We were married way too young to ever have much money, The thought of spending for a Christmas tree seemed to be too funny. We decided that we would do without to save cash on which to live, Because the cost of even a meager tree was more than we could give. One night on my way home from work I followed a tree barring truck, A pothole hit and a tree flew off it seemed I’d had some luck. I took it home to my new bride and the sight lit up her eyes, She decided to make decorations for this Christmas tree surprise. So while I went to find a stand, she started to pop some corn, She took a needle and threaded them and soon the tree adorned. She cut out cardboard stars and bells in foil they then got covered, I set the tree up in its stand and that’s when a problem was discovered. There was something wrong with the trunk of our little Christmas tree, It curved so badly that when it stood up it made the letter “C”. Without some help it couldn’t stand so to the top we tied a rope. To the closet rod it got fastened to hold it upright was our hope. When the door to the closet slid shut tight the tree stood proud and tall, With its aluminum decorations and popcorn strands it really had it all. When we opened the door to get our coats the rope would always slack, And the little tree would bow to us and we would bow right back. Many years have passed since then and now our house is full of trees, But none of them are as polite as our first that was so eager to please.


Details | Rhyme | |

Thanksgiving Leftovers

'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all of its ado and congestion.
I'd consumed too much turkey and pie and due to its ingestion,
Today, I'm suffering from a very acute case of indigestion!
I should've stifled my gluttonous bent - of that there is no question!

Of turkey meat and the trimmings I've had more than enough,
But my spouse has already planned next week's menu in the rough,
Saying, "You'll eat what I fix and I want none of your inane guff!
I know how to dispose of leftover turkey and all that other stuff!"

So, a hearty turkey stew and sweet taters are on the menu Monday.
A steaming bowl of turkey soup will grace our board on Tuesday.
Two turkey sandwiches with green bean casserole we'll have Wednesday.
Turkey salad and punkin pie will be placed before me for lunch Thursday.

A heap of mashed taters topped with turkey a la king for dinner Friday.
Turkey fricassee with cranberry sauce we'll eat for dinner Saturday.
Enough turkey was available for potpies that we'll dine on Sunday.
YeeHah! Ain't no more turkey - I'll have a cheeseburger come next Monday!

Lord, You know I'm mighty thankful for that which You graciously provide,
And please don't thing me an ungrateful oaf, but if in You I may confide,
May it please You come next Thanksgiving, 'twould be so very nice,
If You'd provide a simple meat loaf, mashed pertaters and wild rice!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

My Favorite Holiday

It seems my Christmas spirit has gone up in smoke,
‘Cause every single Christmas I always end up broke!

To give and get a gift or two, with little or no use,
But “it’s the thought that counts,” seems to be the best excuse!

It’s just another day to splurge on Mom’s Christmas feast,
With all our favorite relatives… and the ones we like the least!

So I’m poorer and fatter on yet another day…
Oh, what the heck; I’ll enjoy the wreck of my favorite Holiday!


Details | Free verse | |

Conspiracy: Who Killed The Easter Bunny

A crowded table, all suspended in shock 
The sound of the shot dimming to a ‘knock’
Only silence, except for the marching clock
The weapon still smoking; an anonymous glock
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Loud cries arise from the elongated table,
Jack Frost is shocked, the Tooth Fairy unable
To speak whilst Santa is checking the stable
For clues on the erstwhile maidservant Mable
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

They searched for hours, called in C.S.I,
Panic set in, would the children all cry?
Sandman confirmed the bunny had died
Batman suspected somebody had lied
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Guests were quizzed, interrogations began
The mystery unfolded when Santa Claus ran,
Grabbing the pies, he tried escaping in a van
But was stopped in his tracks by superman
SANTA KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY!


Details | Double Dactyl | |

Birthday double dactyl

Hap-i-ty Birth-a-day
many long years ago
then was a guy named Sid
born to his folks.

Now on this special day
everyone celebrates
incontrovertably
one of lifes jokes.


Details | Limerick | |

A Not So Good Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.*


11/16/12
*(I realize elateful is not a word, but I claim poetic
   license.)































Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Limerick Contest

There once was a lady named Queen
That loved going out on Halloween
She’d give the kids a fright
That lasted more than a night
With ghostly looks and lips of green


Details | Limerick | |

IS IT RESOLVED

The holidays are a time when we hold loved ones close

making New Year's resolutions to be better and not so morose.

With trimming the tree,  the gifts, the cards, the good wishes for all

Spending too much time and money at the mall.

Our hangover on Jan 2nd makes our resolutions go out the windows.


Details | Lyric | |

Walkin' With My Wiener In My Hand......

(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

See the frost, watch it glisten
Too much beer, I'm on a mission
To write my name in the snow 
With a funny yellow glow
Walkin' with my wiener in my hand!

Got a trenchcoat that I'm wearing
So that I can do some "sharing"
Maybe my legs are too white
That gives 'em a fright
Walkin' with my wiener in my hand!

At the lounge we were chillin'
After time, my bladder's fillin'
I stagger left and then right
Hope I make it in time
Walkin' with my wiener in my hand!

Feels so good to drain my lizard
From behind I hear a whisper
"I hope you'll be done soon, 
'cause you're in the ladies room!"
Walkin' with my wiener in my hand!


Details | Rhyme | |

I wish I had headlice

I wish I had headlice, so I'd get out of work for a day.
I wish I had headlice, to play hookey, I say
I wish I had headlice, I could trick-or-treat alone
I wish I had headlice, I'd get more loot per home!!
I wish I had headlice, I'd get the block to myself
I wish I had headlice, My candy, My wealth!!
I wish I had headlice, my candy stash would be SOOO BIG!!
But mostly, quite honestly, I wish I had headlice,
'Cause some jerk stole my EFFING WIG!!!!

(TRUE STORY!!)


*for the "Show me the Funny" contest!*


Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Bells Arent Ringing

Christmas bells aren’t ringing all through our little town, The zoning ordinances prohibit such a noisy sound. There are no carolers singing their songs of Christmas cheer, People are afraid to open their doors to strangers who draw near. Now Santa needs written permission to enter any locked domicile, With the arrests resulting from last year his Reindeer are still on trail. Don’t expect too much in your stocking at least nothing you might like, Labor negotiations have broken down and the elves have gone on strike. I hung a wreath on my front door and my neighbor gave me a laugh, The lights that he displays on his own house could land a small aircraft. There’s something in that eggnog that has made me lose my head, I nearly said Merry Christmas rather than Happy Holidays instead. Oh, I long for an old fashioned Christmas where everyone was bright, But until the world is sane again I’ll keep a silent night. And what of that little baby that started this whole thing, The more I think about him, the more I want to sing. So let’s all join together and prepare for what may come next, Let’s all share love, joy, peace and hope by sending out a text.


Details | Free verse | |

Fun in the Sun

Flesh on show and sun tan lotion
bodies laid on towels or sun lounges 
By the ocean
Salty air wind blown hair
Music streaming from the near by fair
Baby screaming nappies full
Cool guys looking for babes on the pull
Sun shades and floppy hats
Grown men playing cricket with ball and bats 
Sand castles and buckets and spades
Candy floss and lemonade
Father With binoculars pretending to look out to sea
Or read a newspaper but really looking at the bathing beauties
Bikinis and manknies G strings tight where the sun don't shine
Hot dogs and hamburgers the popping of corks from bottles of wine
Hairy legs and wrinkled skin
child almost drowning couldn't swim
Muscle bound Life guards with muscles to impress
Granma lost her false teeth
Dropped between her breasts
Ice creams and summer dreams
Young child peeing in the sea
Among the swimmers splashing about with glee
People playing beach ball and football
Mother calls come on all it's time for tea
Large Busty woman running like jelly on a plate
Wobble wobble
And nearly starting an earthquake
Sand between your toes
Sun burn on your nose
Sweaty arm pits sweaty bums
Toffee apples and bleeding gums
Sea gulls flying screeching high above
Clear blue sky pure white dove
Watching the frothy waves stretch upon the shore
Watching the horizon and tiny boats 10 miles away or more
Dogs running here and there
Sweets being passed around to share
Crabs and shrimps and other critters in a rocky pool
Children with fishing nets and jars to take them back to school
Para gliders pulled by speed boats high in the sky
Oh why do people want to risk life
As they could die
Postcards to write people on there bikes
The smell of fish and chips
Children with jam around their lips
Couples walking hand in hand barefoot on warm sand
Treasured memories and photo's to cherish
Suitcases packed feeling unwound and relaxed
Can't wait until next year when they come back.


Peter Dome.copyright.2013. July.


Details | Light Poetry | |

OH NO, OH NO

Oh No! Oh No! What has my son done? I hope it’s, not already to late!
He lives at a fraternity house, and surely, you know THAT intense mental state.
March has St. Patrick’s Day, Spring Break, and has, of course, Easter in it, too.
So they decided to have some great fun, yes, a fun filled month to happily ensue.

They invited a Leprechaun, the Easter Bunny, and the king of bongos, a gnome.
Apparently they convinced everyone it’d be more fun, to Simply… Stay… Home.
The whole campus flooded thru that fraternity house, in the party’s that ensued.
And they convinced the Easter Bunny to do jello shots in every color and hue.

He became known as THE BUN, yes, The One who finally, truly could fly…
And the Leprechaun danced till he dropped… to a great bongo serenade, aye.
There was no SIMPLY about this! As the music rocked the frat house, next door.
And girls were seen coming and going, at all hours, even passed out on the floor.

This was the party no one missed… even the frat house with the snobs, were there.
It’s said even some of the President’s security attended, partying there, somewhere.
Before they were done, a plan was sown, as the gnome found it’s yearly, new home. 
Yes, it got there, in Washington somehow, on the top of the Real ‘White House’ Dome.

But along the way THE BUN was lost… some where along the never-ending roads.
The Leprechaun called me, our Dragons and Trolls, to help, to search the highroads.
The poor little guy was so pie eyed, when we found him along that crazy way, so…
We fixed him up, we didn’t give up, until we could send him, into that Easter Frey.

Contest: Show Me The Funny


Details | Light Poetry | |

Santas Cause

I’ve gained some weight and I can see my beard is turning white, To get the kid’s presents put under the tree I stay up half the night. In order to read the tags I have to wear my reading glasses, My wife just brought me a tray of cookies that she baked with molasses. Now I can see that I need to work on my list of character flaws, I have to be good because now it seems I’m turning into Santa Claus. There was a time in my young life that I was so cool and slick, But now more often it seems that I’m confused with ol’ St. Nick. I could fight it I suppose and try to pretend that it’s a pack of lies, The more I think about it though; I might like a sleigh that flies.


Details | Limerick | |

A St Paddy's Day Limerick

I once drank some beer that was green
The weirdest that I’d ever seen
They said, “It’s that way
For St. Patricks day"
I then peed with green in my stream


Details | Limerick | |

Brown Bag Flu

I made myself sick with the brown bag flu,

     From drinking too much of that “Mountain Dew”;

          So here’s what I say,

          NO drinking today;

                I pray this never happens to you!


Details | Limerick | |

Some Limericks...

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
 

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

 
Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!


I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

 
You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

 
A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

 
The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

 
In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

 
Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

 
If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

 
A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!


A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

 
A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

 
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

 
The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic


Details | Haiku | |

Halloween

Hallow-weenie night
Filled with dreadful scary fright
Creatures in the dark

Pumpkins carved and lit
Yellow glow casts eerie spells
Zombies walk tonight

Kids tempt dreadful fate
Spooky mask hides smiling face
Shadows jumping-Boo!



***HALLOWEEN HAIKU*** Contest   
Sponsored by: Linda-Marie The Sweetheart of P.S.  


Details | Free verse | |

A Simple Southern Christmas

It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
All I want from Santa is some egg nog, bourbon and beer.
I'm gonna wait on Santa Christmas Eve night,
and when he's not lookin' I just might,
steal his reindeer.
It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
I'm sending out my Christmas cheer.
I'm gonna sit on my front porch swing and sing.
It will be a good thing to hear those jingle bells ring.
I thought I seen Santa on the backwoods bayou road,
but instead it was a big fat toad.
It'a a wonderful simple southern Christmas here.
Santa just brought me some egg nog, bourbon, and beer.
When he wasn't lookin' I stole his reindeer.
So now I can deliver my Christmas cheer.
But hurry, hurry, I'm in a rush,
got to give that reindeer a little push.
Got to go, got to go,
got to get home to fix my gumbo.
It is Christmas day,
and I'm in  a rush I must say.
It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
Just add egg nog, bourbon and beer.
Mix it up with some Christmas cheer.
I'm ready for Christmas every year.


Details | Couplet | |

Be Of Good Cheer This Thanksgiving Day

May tranquility reign and grace your Thanksgiving board this year,
As you thank the Good Lord for all the blessings you hold dear!

I pray that it will be a time of good cheer and not a free-for-all,
As in the dysfunctional family described below, ending in a brawl!

Grandpa said grace that rambled on interminably while stomachs growl.
Grandma had heard enough of that and poked him with a warning scowl!

Pompous Uncle Blimp boasted about the democrats winning the election,
While saner heads steered the conversation in a more innocuous direction!

Ne'er-do-well Cousin Cletus who was recently released from prison,
Wailed about being falsely imprisoned saying the cannabis wasn't his'n!

Aunt Louise complained that she didn't get the turkey gizzard as was her due!
Dad was happily sozzled having consumed too much of his homemade brew!

Little Marvin slopped gravy on grandma's prized heirloom tablecloth!
Nana screeched about controlling your brats - she was most visibly wroth!

The kid howled and mommy hugged him saying, "It was not your fault!"
In the aftermath, little was said except an occasional, "Pass the salt!"

Elbows flew and the hapless turkey's carcass was stripped clean and bare!
Grandpa removed his teeth to take a snooze, fed up with the whole affair!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Thanksgiving in the mirror

With "plenty" this culture's endowed 
Bad outcomes are never allowed!
But nature's stealthy
And notes for the wealthy
Silver linings come with a cloud


Details | Rhyme | |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Revolving Resolution

Written by Gail DeBole

Zelma Zotz's new year's contribution
Is to think of a definite solution
   To avoid making a plan
   (which she really can't stand)
For yet another new year's resolution!


Gail's Note:  You can find some historical information about the history of the new year's resolution at http://www.examiner.com/article/history-of-new-year-s-resolutions.


Details | Light Poetry | |

What Did You Get

By ten A. M. the presents had all been opened and breakfast had been served, But there was still one more tradition of the holiday that needed to be observed. Every kid on the block had to meet outside to see what gifts each one got. Did they get the bike that they had wanted did they get the mechanized robot? What’d ya git? Was the question asked while trying just to see, Did they each find their heart’s desire underneath their Christmas tree? Tamera got an Easy Bake oven for Tony a basketball, Tina got a baby doll that cries But listen that’s not all. Matt got a GI Joe with a Jeep and lots of army stuff, Then he got an entire Hot Wheels set and that should be enough. But then he got a chemistry set and a radio that runs by transistor, And that’s not even counting the loot that Santa brought to his older sister. Why is it that Santa would bring so much to the rich kids on the block? Evidently the redistribution of wealth was an ideology in which Santa took little stock. Then we all had to go back inside our homes because the grandparents were on their way, But we had already broken the GI Joe And set his Jeep on fire anyway.
After I read this one I thought that it sounded kind of mean. The names and cases here in this poem are factual. It was Matt's idea to blow up his GI Joe and set fire to his Jeep not ours. Ah, rich kids.


Details | Couplet | |

MY Worst Poem Ever: "Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt"

Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt, two nonsense senior rhymers.
Went to bed without a blink and never set their timers.

And when the dawn grew very near; no one was alarmed.
So, Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt slept by good dreams becharmed.

It wasn’t long before their boss called, for they were late.
And on that date there, then, was laid a most devastating fate.

Don’t come to work, dear Martzy Putt, you’re fired and so is Butt!
Then, Scuddle Butt quickly sat up and in a daze asked, “What?”

We have been fired; we did not get up; our boss is very mad.
With Christmas near, there will be no cheer, which is very sad.

So Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt got up and stopped their dreaming.
Instead they put their dunce caps on; then, the phone started ringing.

We want great toys for Christmas: like bikes with streamers streaming.
But that’s not all we want lots more; the youngsters set out scheming.

Many things are now on sale: Motorcycles, video games, and TVs.
Buy us jewelry and new clothes; remember a player for the new DVDs.

Their heads were spinning all around with jubilant sounds demanding.
How in the world will we buy it all; the solution came transcending.

We’ll tell them all Santa Clause is dead; they crucified him last week.
So now it is time to think about commercialism and things you seek.

So, Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt, those nonsense, but wise rhymers.
Planned a plan to save some face, which had been stolen by silent timers.

They set about to educate the children with so many demands.
But before they could, the clock went off, the sequence came from dreamlands.

They quickly got up, put on their clothes, and rushed out for work like they should.
But when they arrived, to each one’s surprise, they had on their pajamas…not good!

© November 17, 2010
Dane Smith-Johnsen


Details | Light Poetry | |

Gift Receipt

Christmas is the time to kindly say gift receipt me please, Just in case the gift you give me don’t fully decorate my trees. When you shop there’ll be no need for you to put in a lot of thought, As long as there’s a gift receipt for whatever it is you’ve bought. Then I’ll be sure that I can get the right color and in my size, There really is no down side except for the lack of any real surprise. But after all we’re not kids and we know that magic is not fact, And a gift receipt can save hurt feelings with a modicum of tact. Then bake some Christmas cookies and mark them with my name, And I will also make a batch and with yours do the same. This way we are assured of getting all the ones that we love, I would like to thank you right now for going over and above. Today I saw a Christmas card at one of the local stores, I took a picture of it with my phone and sent it to you and yours. Share the spirit of Christmas with family, friends and everyone in between, And be sure to shop the after Christmas sales ‘cause it’s almost Halloween.


Details | Rhyme | |

Tinsel and Bing

I heard Bing Crosby sing
My heart skipped a little
Close is the time
Of joyful rhyme

Sleighs and snowman
Georgia's southern clim'
Doesn't go for snow
Below the tinsel lighted star

We sing Bing!


Details | Limerick | |

Two-Fifty-Four

Two-Fifty-Four
©2012 C. Brent Cloyd

I bought a new scale at the Wal-Mart store.
Made it secure and level on the floor.
I took a breath, then stepped on.
The digits I saw made me moan.
Surely, I do not weigh two-fifty-four!

Let’s balance the scale, then I’ll try once more.
Adjusted proper, they’ll give the right score.
This time the scales will behave.
I stepped on, tried to be brave.
But with a grin they said “two-fifty-four”.

I would like to throw these scales out the door.
Wish they were lying, but I can’t ignore. 
I’ve gobbled many things sweet
And chewed on too much red meat.
My expanding poundage is “two-fifty-four”.

My belly is huge, my chin is galore.
Need to lose it, but process is a chore.
Need diet low in fat and starch.
So my stomach will not arch.
Hope to be smaller than “two-fifty-four”.

Would a brisk walk cause my health to restore?
Would losing blubber help me not to snore?
Let’s get started. Soon I say!
Well - after the holiday!
Cause my clothes don’t fit at “two-fifty-four”.














Details | Rhyme | |

A Christmas Dinner

Christmas day and it's time that we eat.
One more meal and I won't see my feet!
Dad lost sight of his a long time ago.
He's one size away from saying Ho Ho Ho!

After we gorge ourselves it's time for some treats.
I think I got diabetes from my last plate of sweets!
I unbutton my pants as I let out a sigh.
Good thing I'm not Santa or my reindeer couldn't fly.

Now to the tree to hand out our presents.
Feeling like kings even though we are peasants.
The kids are all playing and sharing their toys.
We're bloated and sleepy from our holiday joys.



Dustin Self 11/29/2012 (christmas dinner contest)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Angst

Christmas is a tricky path for some people to yearly travel, With so much anticipation, for them things begin to unravel. The expectation that each one holds for this season of cheery light, Can fall apart as they anticipate the coming Holy night. Then by their wave of disappointment you may take the hit, If you’re standing in their line of fire when their fuse gets lit. It’s not the way that they would expect themselves to be, But when blinded by their wants they just can’t seem to see. And the meaning of Christmas that is found all around them, Never gets a chance to be near enough to touch or astound them. Don’t let their lack of vision blind you from the holy blessed light, And keep the true meaning of the season held firmly in your sight. And know that if you hold on to the friends that you love the tightest, That’s when the lights of Christmas will always shine their brightest.


Details | Quatern | |

Let Me out on Halloween

Give me a bucket, paint me green
let me go out on Halloween.
Hand me a light so I can see,
to scare someone other than me.

This is the night I waited for
just turn me loose and lock the door.
I plan to holler, stomp, and roar,
tonight won’t be a total bore.

Moon is ready to cast shadows,
this dreary eve of Allhallows.
My Friends are waiting in the dark,      
hastily wait me to embark.                

Screams will echo this darkest night,
the sound of terror and delight.
With moans and growls all around   
that make an eerie, creepy sound.

Though I am senile let me be
I want to wail so set me free.
Remove my covers, let me out
allow me to run, scream, and shout.

Give me a bucket, paint me green
let me go out on Halloween.
Hand me a light so I can see,
to scare someone other than me.

Copyright © 2007 By Caryl S. Muzzey


Details | Shape | |

Dad's Gone Fishing

<                                        Well Lets See
                                          If This ~  Will 
                                          Work Out For
                                          All Wonderful              W
                                       Dads Here At Soup        E   F
                                           I                H          N    I
                                          W                A        E       S
                                           I                 P      C         H     
                                           S                P     I            I
                                           H  You All A Y    N             N
                                           F                H  A               G
                                           A                E                    P
                                           T                R                    O
                                           H                E                     L
                                           E                 I                     E T O  CATCH
                                           R                S                      F                   S
                                           S  D  A Y   So                        I  S   H   E  M  O


Details | Quatrain | |

O Christmas Tree

'Tis that time again to bedeck the tree with decorations!

   Untangling the string of lights is one of my annual frustrations!

      Naughty words are said but when all is said and done, you'll,

         Happily declare that sans a Christmas tree it wouldn't be a Yule!

Placed No. 9 in Kim Merryman's "Here We Go A Caroling" Contest - January 2013


Details | Couplet | |

Turkey Gabble

Again 'tis that time of year when I must evade that forebodin' axe!
With the thought of my neck on the choppin' block, I jes' cain't relax!

How about a goose er duck to complement yer pies, beans and peas,
Er yer grandma's meatloaf to go with them sweet pertaters if you please!

I certainly ain't got nothin' to celebrate and be thankful fer,
And with that my cousins, brothers and sisters wholly concur!

I pray you'll find other victuals in which to stab yer knife and fork.
May I respectfully suggest that you eat more beef, feesh and pork!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 2 in Russell Sivey's "Challenge - Max 8 Lines" Contest - October 2011


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Birth of Tradition

The Pilgrims were so happy to finally set foot on Plymouth Rock,
They decided that the time had come for each to take some stock.

They built themselves a Pilgrim town of houses and very little more,
Then they sent the women out to get groceries at the Pilgrim store.

Pilgrims lived in a time when it was thought that only women ever shop,
They weren’t very enlightened and men would never make that stop.

While the girls were at the store the men invited the Indians over for lunch,
So as soon as the women got home they had to go get more to munch.

The men started to toss an old pumpkin around that was long and kinda tall,
Then they played shirts against the skins in a game they named football.

While the women worked to prepare a feast, the men all went for a walk,
With buckled hats and feathered plumes their parade was all the talk.

The women wanted revenge so they picked cranberries to make an awful sauce,
Then they made the men eat it the stuff just to show them who was boss.

Then there came a heated discussion whether to use sweet potatoes or yams,
Then a second argument broke out about the use of turkey meat or hams.

It all seemed to calm back down when the Indian cornbread was finally tried,
And the Indians really liked the green beans topped with onions that were fried.

And when the day was done and the guests took home the left over feast,
The men cleaned up the dishes, since it’s what women liked to do the least.

This is how they all came together and invented the first Thanksgiving,
It gave them strength to continue on with the hard life they were living.

The Native Americans went back to their home and were grateful for so much,
“But next year,” they said, “let’s tell the English it’s our year to visit with the Dutch.”


Details | Light Poetry | |

Is it Here Yet

Just a single week from now today will be a week ago, By the time that tomorrow’s today we’ll be on the way you know. Then yesterday will be two days ago and today will be yesterday, And two days from now will be tomorrow at least that’s what they say. Before you know it the time will pass don’t say there was no warning, Pretty soon we will all wake up and it will finally be Christmas morning. But why does it have to take so long and why do the days grow longer? Why does each passing minute make the anticipation that much stronger? I wish that there was a way to make Christmas come today, But then I guess all I’d really be doing is wishing my life away.


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Tough Christmas Cookie

Two billion people are of the Christmas persuasion, Two billion people celebrate that most joyous occasion. If that is true, Santa has to visit 23,148 people every second. Which really is an awful lot as near as I can reckon. I know that magic plays a part of Santa’s yearly shtick, But even taking that into account it really is a trick. Because that one second includes travel time and chimney scaling Note reading, cookie eating, and occasionally board game playing. Even taking into account that there may be a temporal causality loop, That allows for the suspension of time for him and his happy little group. Imagine how long it would take in a reindeer driven sleigh, To visit each town and stop at each house along his way. And think of the toys that delight and make the children want to shout, The number of elves that it takes to build them would really freak me out. The logistics of this endeavor can really start to boggle your mind, The importing of raw materials alone could set you way behind. To us, Santa may seem a jolly carefree guy, but he never gets to play hooky, To run an organization such as that he must be one tough Christmas cookie.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Solstice

The usurpation of the annual right of solstice by a quarrelsome religious upstart, Lead to the re-designation of the celebration due to its now newly designated Holy part. In order for a connection to be formed between the Lord and a party that was pagan, The symbolism had to be reworked until for Christians it could be displayed again. By this intent, the Roman festival of Saturnalia surrendered its celebratory rite, And donated all that it possessed to those who recognized a birth one Holy night. Is this to say that the adherents of the newly formed holiday were being misdirected? Or that the symbols of the pagan celebration are something that needed to be inspected? I advocate for the negative in response to the above outlined interrogatives, Instead I shall take a stand to allow each to follow their own personal prerogatives. And if any of what you’ve read in this missive should sway you into taking pause, You’ll probably want to keep it to yourself Or there’s a chance that you’ll tick off Santa Claus.


Details | Rhyme | |

'Twas The Day After Christmas

'Twas the day after Christmas and all was not well.
Even the resident mouse dare not stray far from its cell!
The family was snowbound due gale winds and snows.
Each tread lightly to avoid stepping on sensitive toes!

Though Christmas had been rather calm and serene,
The day after, presented a far different scene!
Creatures were stirring - Rusty the dog and Simba the cat.
Both were embroiled again in a long-simmering spat!

From the family room a screaming clamor arose,
Awakening Pa from his afternoon doze!
Seems that the kids could not readily agree,
On what to watch on their new high definitiion TV!

Pa groused about the usual socks and tie he received.
Ma got more potholders and was somewhat aggrieved.
The kids wanted to swap their gifts at the mall.
Pa muttered, "How am I to pay for it all?"

The expensive tree shed its needles - 'twas nearly bare.
Ma proclaimed that leftover turkey would be their fare.
At eventide they settled down for their long winters' naps,
Dreaming of a better outcome for next Christmas - perhaps!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Acrostic | |

Pumpkins

Pretty fall colors carved and decorated
Understandably the best in a cream covered pie
My favorite flavor is the cheesecake
Plump and lumpy or perfectly orange
Kill it with a shotgun after halloween
I love to watch the scrambled pieces fly in the air
Never let the Jack o lantern go to waste!!
Seeds left on the ground, grow next year!


Details | Rhyme | |

Mistletoe Mishap

Such a gorgeous peach is she,
With luscious eyes fixed on me!

Skin so fair, lips full and red,
Somebody slap me, I can't be dead!

She's headin' this way, with mistletoe in hand,
I'm all yours baby, I wanna be your man!

I'm gettin' pretty nervous, about to drop my cup,
She grabs me by the shirt & says,..."Get ready, pucker up!"

My heart skips a beat, it sings a new song,
She sticks out her tongue, damn, it's awful long!

She's not a good kisser, how bad is it gonna get?
Somebody bring a bib, my shirt's sloppy wet!

I wake up in my bed, after sleepin' like a log,
Would you believe, I was kissin' my dog?!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The First Christmas Present

A spider spun a silver web in a mound of golden straw, Then he hid himself inside the stack, away from the wind so raw. He yelled down to the sheep below Who were trying to huddle close, “It’s times like this that I wish there was a fire for a mutton roast. For winter had come upon the land and his barn was deathly cold, He wasn’t sure if he’d survive the night if the truth of it were told. He tried to dream a dream of hope to get him through the night, But he couldn’t bring himself to sleep because of a blinding light. A star was shinning down on them as if the sun in mid-day glory, The little spider had yet to learn of the coming Christmas story. Below was a ewe with her lamb both snuggled up together, Trying their best to keep warm in the cold of the winter weather. “I’d never trade places with you anyway,” the mother sheep bleated out, “Why are you so happy in your hate to lend voice to pain and doubt?” The light from heaven kept them awake and staring in wide wonder, When two weary travelers entered in and the straw became their plunder. The little spider became dislodged as a nest of straw was piled, And he could see that one of the travelers was very great with child. The three companions watched it all; they’d never seen a human being born, They were all surprised when at his birth There came the peal of an angelic horn. A herald’s call went out to all the land announcing the newborn king, And the spider and the ewe shared a laugh to think of such a thing. Because this baby was so very small and his parents were so poor, Yet there was something about this newborn child that neither could ignore. The spider looked down on the ewe and said in a voice too bold, “This baby needs to be swaddled now to keep him from the cold. Good ewe I can spin for him a cover if you’ll allow me to use your fleece.” So together they worked to swaddle the child on this night of Holy peace. The mother smiled at them all as she took the blanket for her boy, Then laid him in a manger poor and they were overcome with joy. The meaning of this wondrous event was what made them all feel glad, For they had brought the first gift to the Lord by sharing what they had. And the warmth, which they had provided the child, also kept the three of them warm, May the loving joy that they discovered keep you this Christmas morn. Merry Christmas!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, I say, in my gentle refrain.
Dear Santa had been busy, traveling the night, so very long.
He left us for last, as we were always gave him, a lot of pain.
No matter our good intentions, something always went wrong.

We surprised him with Carols, and he jumped back into the fire.
With so much magic, you’d think his clothes, wouldn’t singe so?
As our Great Dane jumped up, to kiss him, I thought he’d expire!
They fell into the tree, now entwined on the floor, so cute, all-aglow!

But the cat was a little pissed as he came out of the tree, you see…
And he attacked Santa for disturbing, his comfy good dreams.
I pulled the cat off, and falling on top, he accidentally got kneed.
Asking forgiveness, I offered a cookie, and he suddenly screamed.

The Great Dane had grabbed the cookie, while it was IN his hand!
Thank goodness, he’s a great, wonderful, and forgiving old man!
Last year, he’d ask the tree, be near his escape, a great game plan.
But he now got entangled in the big, hanging stockings, as out he ran.

He was choking, bright red, a good color on him, as we cut him free.
But he was dizzy and fell into the hot chocolate, and it’s warming pan.
So he jumped up and down, waving his arm, as he again, tried to flee.
Leaving, I heard him exclaim, ‘My day job is easier, I’m a stunt man!’ 

Still, next year he’ll be back, he says we’re nice, you see…
We just all understand, he’ll also be in a hurry to… leave.


Details | Rhyme | |

Under The Ducky Moon

                                     Under The Ducky Moon

The Winter had been Harsh, Harsher than Most. Now cabin fever had taken its toll.
I was beginning to act a little bit weird, but so were others I know.
Then suddenly the sun revealed itself, its warmth was beginning to show.
Ice began to melt from the chair in my back yard, and yes it tempted me so…
And then I snapped, its true, I know, with the melting of ice and snow.
With every single drip… drip… drip… my mind began to go…

I’d been stubborn and frozen to the core on many a winter’s day.
As I had stayed by the window, while I’d typed my poems away.
I had counted every icy day… toward those beautiful blessed Spring Rays…
Then one day the temperature went from 8 to 78, and that took my breath away…
I threw off the blankets that kept me warm and I danced…a lot I say!
No matter how crazy it looked… I’d enjoy the January thaw, making hay!
It’d soon be winter again, so I ran outside and chiseled the ice from that chair.
Then in defiance I sat there as my dog slid over sheets of ice with flare.

To our neighbors we must have looked crazy, like we didn’t have a clue.
But they quickly turned back, to chiseling ice from their driveways anew.
But my dog and I continued to stay disposed quite nice.
After all there was only 4 inches of deep blue ice.
Yep, I sat there and watched as water began streaming down the street so 
precise…

I continued to sit there until I saw that the full moon had finally come out.
Then I began to wonder if perhaps we should beware of the nutty people running 
about…
As if!!! I answered. The Full moon’s got nothing on cabin fever. No doubt!  
I continued to watch until some ducks peacefully flew across the full moon that 
night… 
At that point, I knew my choice had been absolutely truly right…
For the cold would come back, and I’d always remember my choice… 
This day would Forever be the day, when the Ducky Moon brought this story to 
voice.


Details | Rhyme | |

Golfing Diva

Crookhill ladies  take the tee
On their very first “girly” golfing spree
To High Street stores they wave goodbye
Preferring sun-baked Spanish skies ,
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with tiny asses
 
No tears were shed, all eyes were dry
As they boarded EASY JET 109
On route for the infamous, Alicante
Where  golfing  convention rules out “hankey-pankey”
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with black silky ‘tashes
 
Pretty conservative as you’d expect
These would be,  competition golfettes
All that is, except for Sheila
A real little animated golfing diva
She’ll sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
More likely to kick than kiss their assets
 
All thoughts of home are driven away
Anticipating the games they’d play
Of practice, putts  and competition
With dreams of victory a firm conviction
They sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
While thoughts may turn to the young Señors' assets
 
Balmy nights they came and went
Their passion for golf now almost spent
Except for our Sheila - golfing diva
Lifting the trophy, a mega achievement
Sips champagne till way past dawn
Her entourage, she can’t recall
Coincidence?, I really can’t say
But those Spanish Señors look content today


Details | Rhyme | |

A Halloween Scene

Close your windows; draw the blinds as day turns into night
Shut your door and wrap up warm with a bedside table light

Close your eyes and try to sleep but also stay aware
As what may happen in the night could seem like a nightmare

You'll start to hear the sounds of souls, moaning cries and screams
You sneak a peek around yourself but nothing is as it seems

From the ceiling drip by drip and down the walls it flows
Pools of blood soaked in the rug to ooze between your toes

Ghastly ghouls and grimacing ghosts trapped within their doom
Creep and crawl under your bed and float around your room

They'll slide over your covers and slither in-between
As they wriggle to whisper in your ear...

Have a happy Hallowe'en!!!


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Curmudgeon!

I have no beef with Halloween per se

     Tho' 'tis like a vast guv-mint giveaway

          'Tis a scheme to spread the wealth

               As kids shake me down with stealth

                    I aim to keep socialism at bay

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 4 in John Freeman's "Halloween Limerick" Contest - November 2010


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

Don’t worry if your food contains fat,   
Can indulge after leaving your flat.   
Fat Tuesday is coming soon,   
You can feel like a balloon.
Just enjoy, and eat another stack.   

By Greg Stanley


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

.

There once was a famous foreteller A groundhog, (a cute little feller)! February was cold So he came out and told.... “Come join me! …It’s warm in my cellar!!”
............................................................................................................................................ For Linda Marie's February Funny Bone Contest By Carrie Richards 2/2/12 (Groundhog Day!)


Details | Kyrielle | |

Santa Mommy

My nose is getting red like Santa’s perhaps I’ll grow a beard
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
I’ve hidden all the wrapped up boxes and all the clutters cleared
My son is on the air-o-plane he is getting VERY, very near!

Got the balsam wreathes up from Big Y and hung them on the doors
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
Go pick a pretty bulb out from the boxes on the floor
and set it out at ready for the big tree will soon appear.

Soon I’ll drive to JFK to get the MAN that big ole kid
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
If I had a bright red sleigh I’d get there fast like Santa did,
avoiding all the Yuletide traffic, why yes, I’d steer right clear.

With my red nose and a borrowed beard, red hat and all
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
I’d shift the pillow in my drawers and the crowd would be appalled
You’d see security winking “There’s a coo-coo over here!”

They’d let me through with no pat down, no scan of Santa’s tummy
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
I’d shout it to the customs guards “It’s just HIS loony Mummy!”
I need him to set up the pine tree before he disappears.

His friends have called their all waiting there is more of them than me 
Welcome to my holiday home at this special time of year
One of the few times I see that boy by time and spaces decree
I’ll call them all to gather for the trimmings of yesteryear.


Details | Quatrain | |

Christmas madness

Twas a few days before Christmas, shoppers
dazed and bewildered, wandered through the store
selecting groceries from off the shelves,
paying for purchases, minds are elsewhere.
In quick succession, three people stepped out
there in front of my cart - could not stop quick
so each  was hit gently, not one was hurt
just dumbfounded why I ran into them!


Details | Light Poetry | |

For the Man Who Has Everything

While one of Bob’s daughters bought him a wardrobe of new shirts. The other one said, “I know what to do, I’ll make him some desserts.” While the first daughter gave him polo’s that made him look so neat, Then the second got busy in her kitchen and baked him things to eat. Through the year Bob lapped up his desserts like cream for a cat, And his shirts started to grow tight because he was getting fat. Next year for Christmas the daughters knew just what to buy, And everyone who saw said that Bob was one lucky guy. One daughter bought him clothes in the next bigger size, And the other one got him equipment to help him exercise. If you would ask the daughters about his fluctuating pounds, They’d tell you that this idea wasn’t as dumb as it sounds. You see this yo-yo weight scheme was their plan right from the start, So each Christmas they’d have something to warm their old man’s heart.


Details | Light Poetry | |

Halloween Horror

Gobblins and ghosts flew by last night 
They woke me up with a terrible fright 
Chasing monsters and gouls away from the lights 
I wish someone would teach them to stay out of site   

But all the ghosts were by the gobblins sides
 The witches were taking them all out for rides
 From roof to tree to street
 A big race to see who could be beat
 
They were all so noisey it made Frankeinstein hide
 And those witches never drive down the street on just on side
 They just switch lanes while in flight
 Left then Right then left then right
 Back, forth, left, right, never deciding on just one dive
 Up down, zig zag.. zoosh 
Looking out my bedroom window even made my sides moosh 


Details | Light Poetry | |

MAL

One year I got a shirt with my initials on the pocket, My grandma wanted me to have it instead of a Saturn rocket. Even though what I really wanted was the model of the Apollo ship, My dad had made it clear to me that I shouldn’t give her any lip. And so I had to put it on and wear it for the rest of the day, A ten year old in his oxford cloth with MAL on display. “Don’t you look grown up?” Gram said with a smiling face, My brothers all laughed at me as my head hung in disgrace. When I sat down to Christmas dinner I saw salvation from remorse, Cranberry sauce and the law of gravity that I knew would be enforced. “I think that I’d like this sauce I’ll just put some on my plate,” Ooops, it slipped it seems that clumsiness was my fate. I excused myself to get up to go and change my shirt, I wiped a tear from my eye so grandma wouldn’t feel too hurt. It seemed that I had pulled it off even though the caper was adlib, Until my mom wrapped me in a towel and I now wore a bib. “I don’t want to see this shirt get spoiled before the dinner’s done,” She pushed my chair up tight to the table for fear that I might run. Which is what I would have done if it hadn’t been for my granddad, As he wrapped up in a towel and said, “I don’t think that looks half bad.” Then he threw an olive at my towel and said, “Now you’ve got a shield,” Then he threw one and I caught it in my mouth like I was in center field. I looked around the table and hit him with a piece of turkey meat, That he proudly wore upon his towel as we all continued to eat. Never again did I ever wear the shirt with my initials on the pocket, And next month for my birthday my Grandpa got me a Saturn Rocket. Sometimes I wonder just what kind of a grandpa will I be, And I really hope that I get a grandkid who’ll throw his food at me.


Details | Rhyme | |

The White Pumpkin




Thank you, Ma’am, for the pumpkin.
I am not distressed in the least.
Though it’s not of my preference,
It’ll suffice for a Halloween feast.

Mother Nature could have mixed up her seeds.
That could explain why the color is bland.
One might think Jack Frost didn’t finish his work,
Or, Autumn is making a political stand.

I am so glad you came with this pumpkin.
Come on in Ma’am, and stay for awhile.
No, I don’t mind it isn’t bright orange,
Though it isn’t the most popular style.

Please, have a seat as good company should,
And quit the uncertainties filling your mind.
Don’t doubt my plan for sweet pumpkin pie,
As giving me this ugly, white pumpkin was kind.





Details | Rhyme | |

A Red Neck Xmas ( for Robert D.)

‘Twas close to the day when Buba Claus,
His red nose and Bowie knife shining,
Would be off to fill the manly's hearths,
With bacon for their frying.

The ground was bare of snow or ice, 
The sky was clear of reindeer. 
But Buba Claus was loading his sleigh, 
Real high, with good stout Yule beer? 
 
Buba Claus was out in force, 
His NRA cronies in tow, 
To fill naughty radicals stockings, 
With tiny bits of coal. 
 
Cigars dangled from their lips, 
A spittoon he placed by their feet, 
And, before the sleigh rose off the ground; 
They tossed in another side of beef. 
 
Each carnivore, they laughingly swore; 
Would have their fill this year, 
And Bambi blanched as He flew by, 
While Teddy Bears ran in fear! 
 
Over New Canaan His courses flew, 
Past the homes of vegetarians; 
And down their chimneys they did toss; 
The views of Libertarians! 

And when the last haunch was placed, 
Upon the spits of the mighty, 
His spat his cud of gnarly gum, 
Into the spittoon real tidy! 
 
Then he flew off with a Ho, Ho, Ho, 
And, not the ones for plowing  
Cause Buba Claus had his own ideas 
Of all Santa's sissy endowings!  


Details | Couplet | |

People planters

People planters find it hard to tear 
at the loss of your near and  dear

At two hundred percent profits
Devastation gives them fat pockets

Diggers open up the ground
Where people sprouts can be found....

Sprouts or people dust....it is hard to know!?




Details | Limerick | |

Stephen King's Best

It's Halloween night, what's on T.V.?
Gory reruns is all that there be.
All of Stephen King's best
Being put to the test,
Vampires, Plymouths and Cujo I see.

An angry little girl starting fires
And Salem's Lot is full of vampires.
There's a self-mending car,
Aliens from afar,
Just feeding all our horror desires.

Stephen King is the master of shock.
To his movies the horror buffs flock.
When the King is around
Movie chills can be found.
Horror movies, they just make us gawk.




for John Freeman's Halloween limerick contest


Details | I do not know? | |

Kangaroos look funny in horns and underoos

Kangaroos look funny in horns and underoos

Nothing like the holidays down under…
So many sweets to taste and plunder…
Mistletoe hung over head…
Sweet dreams in our slumbering bed…

The jolly man shimmying down
The hot family hearths
Not making a sound making his rounds
Asbestos underwear protecting his parts

The sweaty old boy in red
Cursing the heat of points this far south
While blimey citizens are snug in bed
Explicatives flowing from his mouth

Merry Christmas to all those down under
And happy New Year a day bloody sooner
Having no snow is a god awful blunder
The whole island should be sat in a corner!

Rlm ‘10


Details | Haiku | |

Last Minute Halloween Costume

Last Minute Halloween Costume
Toilet paper wraps;
Costs less to dress as mummy,
Mom thinks it’s funny!


Details | Free verse | |

Confessions of a Vampire

.........
Hey Mr. Bartender, give me a shot
Don’t care what it is, but give me a lot!!
I don’t even like it, and I’ve never been drunk
Folks have thunk me a temperate
    …. but this day really stunk!
So give me the bottle, I can pour out my own
I may as well drown in the root of my problems
Then, call me a taxi, to help me get home!!

Ya see…it began in this innocent way,
I was just getting ready for Halloween Day!
Looking forward to dressing, and ready to play 
on the way to a party, I was a little bit tardy
I was dressed as a vampire, that was a little bit ....mm, "tarty"!!! 

On this Halloween eve, I resolved to be cheerful
But while driving my car, another car bumped me
The driver got out, and he gave me an ear full!
It took but a moment, and I knew he was beer filled!
Disgusted and angry, I found myself grumpy
I called the police, and they came to the crash
So I cheered up, and resolved, and expressed my relief
So happy, I hugged them and offered a kiss

They thought I would bite, 
They put up a fight......and handcuffed me tight!
 
Well they thought ME imbibed!!!
So they took me inside
And into a jail cell...I was thrown like a flash
My mood isn't good...I'm as mad as a hen!!
My thoughts of abstaining had grown very thin!! 
So might as well swallow this bottle of gin!!

How can this girl be happy,
When justice kidnaps me?
No blood did I drink, as I sit in the brink
But could use me some gin
As I sit in the pen !!

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

For Just An Archaic Poet's Contest: Poems from a Vampire
By Carrie Richards



Details | Acrostic | |

Thanksgiving Day

Turkey day is finally here, along with that mid-afternoon paralysis
Half the family made it this year, and thank God, 'cause we're short chairs!
Apple, pumpkin, and mince-meat pies fill the air with cinnamon dust-devils
Nevermind the barking dogs and screaming, running and tattling kids,
Kooky and drunk, your favorite uncle swears you can light a fart!
Surely we've got BIGGER fish to fry today.....how's them 'taters doin'?
Goodness knows how amazing Granny's poultry gravy is gonna be
I just hope some jerk doesn't bring that Jello with raisins, carrots, and lettuce......YUCK!!!!
Vodka is easily hidden in the various holiday beverages,
I swear it's the ONLY way I can tolerate half of my family!
No one's really that bad, but a little goes a long way!
God bless every single, dysfunctional, and oblivious one of us!

Dinner comes and goes........the herd migrates to the TV for pig-skin dramas
All say their goodbyes and don coats and scarves
YIPPE!!! They're all gone!!!......oh crap!!!! WHO'S gonna help with the dishes????


jim david


Details | Rhyme | |

Cavity

Dentist delight
Halloween night

Patient's fright
Toothache plight


Details | Sonnet | |

Kamikaze Khristmas

I was shaken, my jingle bells taken, ornaments on a runaway corporate sleigh
It had nitrous oxide, investors selling so high, stuffing stockings with my pay
There were elves with cleavage, garters and high heels, twirling on candy canes
And then there was Santa, 10,000 I fathom, having a Bud and watching the game

Oh what have I done, my mistletoe belt buckle undone, clutching a coupon in pain
From my confusion arose, a few sticky ho ho’s, caroling Christmas has come again
Frozen my chatter, this rooftop never fatter, held hostage by a holiday of cheer
Building superstores for a thrill, reindeer on the grill, our 24 hour savior is here

I threw open the door, red tagged a commercial whore, a price check I was needing
Not to my surprise, this place had supersize fries, and just a hint of insider breeding
Cross-eyed speaking, restroom reeking, why the see-through thong with the GPS
Kamikaze carts diving, my crippled heels crying, damn you people for having sex

Bruised and battered, a world raptured, by a fat man with a bulging sack
Barbies with inflatable boobies, Hentai movies, Christ please hurry back


Details | Couplet | |

Valentine Romance

Valentines day is always something special to me, I explained. 
So I planned a romantic evening and got ready for my campaign.
The children were at a sleepover with their favorite friends they adore.
So I met my hubby as he came in, accidentally tripping and making him hit the door.
Thank God his head is hard as he hit that, the nearby TV, but very little more.
I made Cherries Jubilee as a snack while he sat there with an ice pack to his head. 
But before I knew it, I’d knocked it over and almost burned down the house instead.
When he finally put the fire extinguisher away…
I got up and got some of the kids’ apple tarts I had made. 
He bit in deep and burned his mouth, declaring he wasn’t hungry and the pain would fade.
Next he decided to go upstairs, but I had put rose petals down everywhere in spades.
And yes you probably guessed it… he slipped and ended up needing a little aide.
At this he decided to take an aspirin and lay down upon the couch. OH  HHWell…
But I knew the rest needed to happen above, to totally create this romantic spell…
I had to get him to the candles and bubble bath, where my romantic dreams still dwelled. 
So I got out some scarves and danced toward him, tying up his hands before he fell.
He never knew what hit him as he was lassoed and gently bounced up the stairs.
I guess I wouldn’t have had to tie his feet… a few words would have done as well.
But you know me when I get going, my mind tends to lose a few brain cells…
He was flustered, exhausted and bruised when he got there, but he’s made of the right stuff.
Though as I took off the scarves, he flopped on the bed pulling the covers over his head kind of rough.
He said he loved me, but living with me could be kind of tough.
He said it was better to leave it to him, for the romantic endeavors and such.
He said he had reservations and play tickets in his shirt pocket for later on that night.
But what he needed now was some aspirin and a few moments of quiet respite. 
So with a sigh he started snoring, and my romantic dreams were momentarily crushed.
I dearly love the man you know. But, do you think maybe I tried too much?


Details | Free verse | |

marking time....to my friends on poetry soup.- the Lord helped me fight death and won.

i don't want to be just marking

time.  i died on november 20,

2008, during surgery.  i was

on a vent when i awakened 

december 2, 2008....my sisters'

birthday. what made me llive

i'll never know.  i know there

are things to do on this side

of death.



i have no time for marking time.

i have a stupid bag hanging from

my side now.  i am supposed to

"get comfortable with it".  well

that was a laugh.

that was a laugh until i thought

of the people that had these

things with no hope of ever

getting away from them.



i am so lucky.  14 days i laid

on a vent, then 22 more.

i came home 3 days, 



then 


i had
great pain in my chest...
.
well this is great i said,

a pulmonary emboli, 15 more

days, three days home.



then back to e.r. blood pressure

too high.  this bought me 

4 more days in e.r.



i am home now and finally 

have spent 19 days home.

i feel every pain and i feel

every time that i feel good



yes, i am never marking

time again.....there is

something about fighting

for your life and your sanity

that straightens things out.



i don't recommend it but

i wish i could let your hearts

know what i know.

janetta


Details | Limerick | |

Action

You took my money and our child
after divorce papers you filed,
I never did tell you
my life is not all blue...
I'm the film crew for Girls Gone Wild!!!


For "A valentine Limerick~ to your x-lover"  contest sponsored by Sidney ~ LeeAnn.


Details | Narrative | |

COCOA(nuts) in PUNTA CANA

Four palms, one taller, the other three measure the same.
Heavily anchored in sand, all are vertical climbers of this azure sky.
Eight new fronds per palm, the older ones neatly trimmed by man.
No cocoanuts anywhere to be seen, their hazard great, if allowed to fall.
Growing 40-50 feet tall, how many savage storms have they endured?
Lying on my back, I hear the unseen breezes giving voice to their action
as they manipulate the individual finger like fronds into undulating waves.
In the far and nearly vertical distance I see a moon in half-phase.
This reflection of the sun bisecting the geometry of the moon
made possible by none other than the very planet I lay upon.
One lonely cloud of no consequence is viewable. The pristine nature
of it all now rudely shattered by an absurdity. “Dusk to Dawn” barnyard lights
are lag bolted onto two palms. How incongruous this fit of barnyard lights
affixed to a palm in this tropical paradise.
Suddenly, the whispering of the tropical breeze is interrupted
by the staccato, whump, whump, whumping of a helicopter, all black and shiny.
Streaking parallel to the shore mimicking a news channel
coverage of a Bronco chase or the latest freeway jam. Now comes
the cacophony of a loudspeaker, calling out it’s “Bingo Time” for
the bored and soul-less, as it reverberates toward the beach from poolside.
The rhythmical lapsing of the waves on the shore is drowned out
by high-pitched adrenalin fed screams and twin 200 horse outboard exhausts.
A parasailer from Des Moines has caught the wind and traverses the sky.
Strapped in a chest harness while dangling precariously attached to multicolored bands of 
nylon, he is praying the towrope doesn’t break.
My total sublimation again obliterated, this time by two nudists from Europe.
Heavy oiling barely covers her lack of cups and his cajones are swinging free.
Nuts and knockers that haven’t seen the sun for eons will certainly
ache for emollient caresses tonight. Those mental images will play in my mind
like a never-ending mobious strip of hilarity, for which there is no end.
Traveling thousands of miles from the cold weather and slush.
I was allowed only one minute of solitude before nuts, knockers,
loudspeakers and barnyard lights rudely jerked me back to this reality.
Corrupting civilization is just a split second behind us. Ever ready to bury us,
should we but pause to admire natures’ beauty in a remote destination!


*Vacation thoughts garnered in Punta Cana.


Details | Limerick | |

His Heart She Did Twirl

I'll call her a different name
This girl whom I thought was my dame
On holiday she went
With my money well spent
To Malta she went on a plane

Whilst there she met a waiter called Frank
In bed playing sexual pranks
This Susanna my girl
His heart she did twirl
We're engaged, and this is her thanks

I looked forward to the day she came home
With this waiter her hands on he roamed
Hey! Susanna your dumped
I hope you end up real plump
Your a dog, I should throw you a bone

Wow! a man with the final say
Our relationship ends today
I wish you the best
With your holiday zest
It's my turn to go out and play


Details | Rhyme | |

Spurkey

Who brought the Spam to the first Thanksgiving? The Pilgrims brought the Spam I think The Indian’s brought something to drink Though history books do not repeat it There's more to do with corn then eat it A spurkey is a wondrous sight All pink and juicy if cooked right Shaping it's a little quirky But you can make it look like turkey So what's your pleasure, breast or thigh? Or other part you'd like to try? No light or dark meat, it's a shame All the parts taste just the same The best part is, there is no waste And also, you don't have to baste But unlike birds raised in a coop There are no bones for sprukey soup Happy Thanksgiving Everyone
11/20/2011


Details | Rhyme | |

Turkey Talk

I try to make myself very scarce midst the teeming flock,
To reduce the risk of finding my neck on the chopping block!
Why do you put me through this annual frightful scare?
I pray that I won't become your Thanksgiving fare!

May I propose for your very careful consideration,
An assortment of options for your holiday celebration.
Have you considered a delicious rack of lamb,
Or a scrumptious glazed and juicy spiral ham!

You could save my friends and me so much grief,
If only you'd serve a luscious roast of beef!
As you thank the good Lord for your many blessings,
Wouldn't you prefer a goose stuffed with dressings!

An adjunct to your cranberry sauce and pecan pie,
Could be a savory duck - why not give that a try?
Another suggestion that would please your friends,
Would be to prepare a platter of Rock Cornish hens!

There are many creatures that swim, run or fly,
That could complement your taters and punkin pie!
Better yet, why not concoct a vegetarian meal,
Then, I could forego my urgent annual appeal!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 2 in PD'S "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" Contest - November 2011


Details | Free verse | |

The Day Before Christmas Eve

Christmases and Christmases ago down where the Camelias grow
There was a family whose money was low__not so much cash flow

'Twas the day before Christmas Eve and they didn't have their Christmas tree
                                 nor stockings in a row

Their old artificial tree was looking very used_not even Charlie Brown could give
             it a look renewed

There wasn't funds to buy a new one or a tree that the stores sold freshly cut

Mom decided to the woods they would go for a cedar to hunt

The whole family piled in that tiny little truck and across the creeks 
                     and to the woods they flew like Santa in his sleigh

Walking, searching, searching not one suitable tree_fatigue, cold and huger
                  began to set in
                                   So back to the truck they did plod sadly

And there right there was one Cedar which looked green and shapely

The man of house with his strong muscles and a chain saw quickly_cut that beauty
                       
                                   swinging high onto the truck proud of their great luck

Arriving home with tree in tow and placing it in its stand you know

Mom in the kitchen popping up some corn, making hot cocoa for us to warm

                                                   and
          a fire she lay to heat up the room _then the tree we'd all groom

With the tree in place and a roaring fire, hot cocoa to warm all desires

An odor began to permeate the air_floating over here and there

                                     "What is that scent?" mom did despair..

From that lovely green Cedar Tree a fowl scent circled the room

                    Dad laughed and laughed with a twinkling eye..
"A Tom Cat had sprayed that tree with a scent not very nice."...

So out the door the tree flew and Christmas Eve the hunt repeated...

Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi
Contest: Happy Holidays
Free Verse
I chose Christmas Eve


Details | Rhyme | |

The New Santa Claus

I'm locking up my house, because it's that time for thieves.
I need to Santa proof my place, because It's Christmas Eve.
If he does get in, I'm going to run and hide.
I left out some milk and cookies with rat pellets inside.
While he's eating the cookies and he's starting to sweat.
The reindeer will be caught in security nets.
"I'm sorry boys and girls, but Santa has to retire!"
I'm going to tie him to the tree and set poor Santa on fire.
Then I'm going to take the toys and keep them all to myself.
Even though I've been bad, no coals will be on my shelf.
Merry Christmas to me! This year is going to be grand!
I'll get whatever I want, if Christmas goes as I planned!
Wearing Santa Claus' suite I'll get in houses without keys.
In twenty seven minutes I'll rob twenty seven trees!
So all you little brats, don't you cry and sob.
With the recession and depression, I just needed a job.
A lot of things are going to change, but you all shouldn't be sad.
Now that I'm the new Santa, It doesn't matter who's bad.
I'll use the elves as my slaves and the toys will still come.
Instead of a Nintendo, you'll get a gallon of rum.
Toy guns are for babies, how about the real thing?
A candy neckless won't impress, I'll make sure that it's bling.
You said you wanted a pony? How about a deer that can fly?
No more lousy presents, no more socks, or bad ties.
I'll change... 
Wait... Wait a minute... Was that all just a dream?
Why do I only have coal under the tree and in my stocking?
Santa please come back! I promse I'll be better next year!
I promise I'll be good and I'll spred more Christmas cheer!

Did Santa Claus come back? Did he come like I thought he should?
No Santa didn't, but next year I'll be good!
I'll only do what is right, aleast to his satisfaction.
So he comes back to my house, and my plan goes back into action!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Great Manger Heist

Two brand new manger scenes were donated to our local church, One went on the minister’s desk the other took the organ as its perch. The idea was to provide a scene that was both merciful and mild. But when the organist came to practice on Tuesday night there was no holy child. No babe was laid in the manger meek to receive the gifts from kings, No baby to offer love and light or the joy that the season brings. When a ransom note was found it was circulated through the staff, “Will return the one inch Son of God in exchange for a plastic calf.” What cad could have committed this crime and done this awful deed? Who could have cold heartedly stolen hope from this world of need? “What should we do?” asked the organist to the church’s secretary, “We need to restore the Holy family and calm the heart of Mary.” The secretary looked worried as this news caused her own heart to sink, Now for the first time in many years someone had asked for her to think. The choir director offered up, “Let’s give in, it’s only a plastic cow, I don’t see how giving one calf away could hurt anything anyhow.” “We should not negotiate with terrorist.” Said Sam the custodian, “If we give in to their petty demands our troubles would just begin.” “Then let’s organize a search party to look for the wayward child, We will thwart the plans of this prankster who will forever be reviled.” “What is all of this about?” Asked the minister as he came into the room, The organist told him about the babe and the note of impending doom. “So we’ve decided to work together as a team to bring the baby home, Every square inch of the church will be covered with a fine-toothed comb.” “As a team!” the minister exclaimed, “Well that’s a change long over due, It’s good to see the four of you working together as a single crew.” “It’s been too long since you pulled as one with the goal of finding Christ, I think you’ll find that the rewards are great while solving this baby heist. “Before I send you on your mission let us all join hands in prayer, It’s so wonderful to see you brought together it shows how much you care,” “Let us pray for guidance from the Lord before this search begins,” So they didn’t notice as they bowed that his Mary had given birth to twins. And so he sent his staff into the night to find the newborn King, Then as he returned the baby to the manger he began to sing. He was then struck with inspiration and he added to his plan, And so they found the missing baby in the arms of a fourth wise man.


Details | Limerick | |

Candy Cane Lane

Down On Candy Cane Lane

Several Elves Burst Into Flame

Rudolph Was Sad

But, Santa Was Mad

Knowing Spiked Eggnog Was To Blame.



Santa Put The Drink On A Shelf

Too High Up For Any Elf.

But, The Elves Formed A Plan

And Hired A Man

Who Took And Drank It Himself.


Details | Quatrain | |

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and throughout all the land,

   Shoppers were swarming Penney's and Walmart without end!

     Wild-eyed mobs were elbowing each other without cease!

         'Tis another annual brawl!  So much for the Season of Peace!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Blank verse | |

ABOUT TIME TOO

ABOUT TIME TOO

Create a universe with space,
and stars and suns, then planets.
Add some life and watch it grow;
almost nothing to almost something.

Implant a need to change, evolve,
until finally one arrives at sentience.
We now have human, which thinks,
therefore it is, but often chooses not to.

Our very human need brings order into,
and from surrounding chaos,
or so we imagine. Hence years, seconds
and so forth will codify time.

This time is *very *important;
brought in to rule over us all,
while some changes of time
are turned into veritable deities.

One grand god is to be worshipped
when he grants us his New Year,
for joy and wild celebration,
and sundry bacchanalian pursuits.

But, dammit, an invented construct
starts whether we're awake to scream
or not, so this one thinking human
prefers pursuit of non-bacchanalian sheep,

and sleep ....

Alan McAlpine Douglas


Details | Haiku | |

What Does The Elf Say

What does the elf say?
“Santa Claus is a great boss.
He hired Mini Me.”


Details | Free verse | |

Disturbance at dinnertime

she sails
into the restaurant
with her volume, voice and vibes
 
her huge waves
disturbing every conversation
 
her loud laughs
Interfering with existing atmosphere
 
her empty words
bouncing all over the room
 
her massive  presence
sharks the whole place
 
at last
she sails
out of  the harbor
that wasn’t hers
 
fresh wind blows
and everyone shows
it is  now our happy hour

©Ellie Daphne van Stralen 2012


Details | Haiku | |

Triple Haiku-SNOW AND WONDERMENT

JACK'S SNOWMAN

It took three whole days
for Jack to build a snowman;
he's as tall and strong


THRILLED BY SNOW

They are thrilled and scream..
playing in the deep, fresh snow;
they cannot their mom 


PONDERING MYSTERY

Heart, take a quick look: 
isn't winter's glittering snow 
so mysterious?



Details | Narrative | |

What's Fair

Who decides what's fair?
I dunno - but I can sure
Tell you what's 
NOT FAIR:

Putting out costumed morsels
On Halloween night
And having their parents or other large beasts accompany them
Some of the large ones carry mace
The worst ones
Carry wooden stakes
or CROSSES

Tasty-looking tots go from door to door
Trusting in the kindness of strangers
Who will give them candy
And toys

But not ONE will come
Into my parlor
Willingly or not

I've had a few tugs of war
Over several treats
Who tend to scream
And somebody big always
Comes to their rescue

Then they go away
WIth all their TREATS

Whilst I remain here
Alone
And HUNGRY

Now THAT'S not fair!









Details | Light Poetry | |

It's nearly xmas time.

                               




                             Its nearly xmas time you know                      
                             Children playing, lot's of snow
                            

                             The times have changed to buy our gifts
                             No climbing stairs,Or getting lifts


                             It's warm inside,there is no threat
                             You see we have the internet
                            

                             Im wondering now, when we are old
                             If things will always be controlled    


                             We've left the old days way behind
                             To me it seems to be unkind

                           
                             I may be living in the past
                             But shopping online can be a blast.


                                               By Kate Mcnaughton. 2009. 








Details | Alliteration | |

Firecrackers (Alliterations)

In a pick pack boom a wonderful light in the sky
Beaming gleaming screaming people out in the street
Watching the parade of light danced, glanced tranced
Happy sappy snappy to watch the firecrackers so beautifully
Amazing as it make the sky lively sparkly wonderfully
It shone in the dark out in the park making the mark
A sign of celebration in a cloud nine look so divine
Graces in the space a part of beauty to embrace

22/9/07


Details | Free verse | |

Glitter World

Glitter World
I see the world as my pearl
My place to take a whirl
And twirl around like a sexy girl
A place where there is little turmoil
My world is place
Where all flags can
Freely unfurl
Where a boy’s hair can curl
Everything’s glitter in my little world.


Details | Rhyme | |

Happy New Year

Happy New Year
The curtains are closed, everybody’s sleeping in.
They all had a busy day, bringing this Christmas in.
They have shopped and cooked and drunk alcohol all day.
There is no energy left for another day of play.

The roads are quiet, the shops are all closed.
Those up and about really look half dozed.
I feel sorry in a way for all those that celebrated
They look quite knacked now, their wallets very deflated

There is just time, to recover a little bit.
It’s few days before, they all restart living it.
The shopping, eating, drinking all through the  day.
Welcoming the New Year in, with kisses and horseplay.

I wish you all well, with the strength to get through it.
Happy New Year, to all of you that will do it.
I hope you have strength to get though that night.
But remember the New Year doesn't start after after midnight. 

Save some strength and resilience you need to carry on.
Another year must pass, before the next one.
A  new year and none will know whatever it may bring
Be prepared to pay the piper, if the fat lady starts to sings

©~GG~2011


Details | Limerick | |

Cupid

On Valentine's Day Cupid rules,
A bow and arrow his trusty tools.
He shoots an arrow at a he,
Then takes aim at a she,
And they both become lovesick fools.

2/4/12
Kim Merryman for Linda-Marie's February Funny Bone contest.


Details | Rhyme | |

Wearin' O' The Green

The Saints be preserved! Begorra! Today Saint Patrick reigns!
An excuse to get the Irish blood a-coursin' through your veins!
A time for clans with even a tad of Irish in their genes,
To celebrate the holiday with the Wearin' O' The Greens!

O'Sullivans, O'Shaughnessys, O'Reillys and O'Neils,
Will be cavortin' and a-dancin' to snappy jigs and reels!
Anon, they'll savor corned beef and cabbage for their grub,
And toastin' the Auld Sod with Guinness at the local pub!

Bibulous harmonizers will sing "When Irish Eyes Are Smilin'",
Gazin' into the limpid eyes of Irish colleens so beguilin'!
Rowdy revelers'll belt out "Biddy McGraw" and "McNamara's Band".
Goodwill and fellowship will prevail throughout the land!

Jaunty old-timers sport their shillelaghs in small-town parades.
Lively leprechauns and fairies leap about in masquerades.
Saint Patrick must look down upon his flock with some dismay.
What he hoped would be a holy day is now a rowdy holiday!

Hibernia, Eire, The Emerald Isle, Erin - call it what you may,
But ain't we thrilled that the Irish set aside this day?
At least once a year we can shed our usual dour mein,
And joyfully participate in the Wearin' O' The Green!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Footle | |

VD PREPARATION

Big Day    Let’s Play    
                    

Breath Sweet    Washed Feet
     
                   
Naired Crack    Shaved Back
         
                   
Tic Toc    Forgot Clock
        
                   
She’s Back   Tic Tac



For the VALENTINE FOOTLES contest.
She then He preparing for that special day of love. 
                   


Details | I do not know? | |

Friends with a Girl

"Friends with a Girl"

        She stood on a hill.. with the sun in her hair..
     I.. was frozen in fear..
          In a valley of shadows..my heart.. slowly sank..
      As she walked.. ever closer.. and near..
           Shaking..my hands.. tried to move ..
             Not a chance.. 
       Lifting my head..my eyes fell across her..
           She seemed to float...like a dream..
        I was amazed.. how her eyes drew me in..  
             Like a hunter.. she quietly found me..    
     So you want to be my friend.. she asked..
          Not a question.. her answer ..she knew..
      So you like to walk me on the path.. she said..
          Again.. she told the truth..
                             I was just a boy.. hardly able to breathe..
                       So it seemed..
               She took my hand.. and broke the ice.. 
           My curse was no longer found..
                Suddenly the world in which I lived.. became alive..
       All around.. everything I knew.. had been a lie..
              The world was black and grey.. before her kiss..
          I watched.. the colors exploding in the sky..
               So this.. is what I would have missed..
         Only now.. I know.. this girl's a friend..
                        Before we met.. I ask.. did I exist?                    


Details | I do not know? | |

The Constitution of a Aging Veggie Eater

The Constitution of a Aging Veggie Eater

I the aged, will do my solemnly best
to eat all my green like vegetables 
and what every doctor Oz says is good for my body 
and will affirm that in good faith, I give my word that, I will protect my colon and my heart 
to the best of my ability, to preserve my health and defend my new way of life 
no matter how young i may feel at the time...  

P.S.  But if a desert comes into view, I will not, do my Hostess best to walk away?!  
               but eat it with the vigor of a young woman, without a waist line!    
  
    
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
             "Oath of office of the President of the United States"

	"I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the Office of President
of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the
Constitution of the United States."

en.wikipedia.org/.../Oath_of_office_of_the_President_of_the_United_States


Details | Limerick | |

Old Edgar A Poe My Kin

Since I'm kin to Edgar Allen Poe
I like for Halloween to cause much woe.
     Out in the streets they're dressed up.
     And with all their crimes they corrupt.
The more the merrier, I say let them go!

I swing my pendulum everyday.
Those who are wise better get out of my way.
     Consider the dead
     Even some in their bed.
Needs to get out on this day and play!

In the graveyard the zombies are restless.
In the cave tops the bats wings getting stressless.
     They're ready to play
     On this Halloween day.
When they finish tonight they'll be guestless!!!!!


Details | Couplet | |

Twelve Days Of Christmas

His young bride took The Twelve Days of Christmas to extreme extremes!

His true love kept piling on useless stuff well beyond his wildest dreams!

On the First Day of Christmas she gave him a shovel for shoveling snow!

On the Second Day of Christmas she gave him a cheap jug of Red Bordeaux!

On the Third Day of Christmas he was presented with a scruffy mutt!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas he received a one-way ticket to Terre-Haute!

On the Fifth Day of Christmas she graced his skull with a silly beanie cap!

On the Sixth Day of Christmas she handed him an African contour map!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas he got a used Michelin radial tire!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas he was stunned to receive a roll of barbed wire!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas he received a membership in the Red Hat Society!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas a collection of buttons - a most bizarre variety!

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas a parrot that spoke dirty words so gross!

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas he got a Visa Card bill leaving him morose!

He was underwhelmed by all her generosity but thought it mighty queer,

And was so thankful that Christmas came around just once a year!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Unidentified Flying Object

On Christmas Eve the stratosphere was rent with strange communication,
As an Air Force pilot in his F-16 was on routine patrol protecting his nation!
He was tooling along when suddenly on his radar a weird object did appear!
It was zipping along at mach three speed and came so close he had to veer!

"Tower!  I've had a near miss by an object flying at thrice the speed of sound!"
"Roger, Snoopy One!  Are you sure?  We've had no such report from the ground!"
"Tower!  It came over the horizon from the north and gave me quite a fright!"
Please affirm if Area 51 is playing games with a new toy on this frigid night!"

"Negative, Snoopy One!  Kick in your after-burner and give the thing a chase!
Arm your rockets, watch your six and keep your trigger ready just in case!"
"Roger, tower!  I have him on my radar but I have no visual on him yet!
If he causes any mischief, me and my ol' F-One Six'll get 'im, you can bet!"

Though he poured on full military power he just could not keep apace!
To the befuddled pilot, the object was seemingly lost without a trace.
He was concerned that on this Christmas Eve, aliens from outer space,
Were invading earth and that he alone was left to save the human race!

Fighter planes from NATO nations were also scrambled to join in the hunt!
At last the pilot received a call from his commander and it was rather blunt!
"Snoopy One!  Your mission is terminated!  Return to base without delay!
NORAD has confirmed that the object you saw was Santa and his sleigh!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Verse | |

Jimmy

It was a full moon
jimmy was ready to go trick or treating
first time by myself
jimmy was anxious and scared
Jimmy mind was playing tricks on him
all week long jimmy watched scary movies
jimmy first house was ms jones better
know as cat lady her house was very old
people say a house of horrors
jimmy thought he saw a bat and a rat
jimmy walked slowly and knocked on the door
the porch was creepy and smelled funny
jimmy nerous were on edge
the door oped slowly a dim light and a 
stock pot boiling was what he saw
jimmy saw trick or treat ms jones laughed real hard
ms jones gave jimmy a big red apple
jimmy said thank you and ms jones said 
dont be a stranger and scream if you need anything


Details | Limerick | |

Valentine Lover

My valentine lover is so true.
She will never ever make me blue.
I give her candy.
She thinks it’s dandy.
She really wants a BMW.


Details | Rhyme | |

That is the name of my bottled water

Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this,
It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss.

I went on holiday to the land of the free
Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami 
Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day
Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May.

I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water,
The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter.
“Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said
So I twanged me words and it registered in his head

I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp,
The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp
After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled 
water.”
I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter,
She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.”
Then said, “I think?”

I was dying to use the loo
You know a number two
So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you”
I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan
Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang
I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man.

Now let me tell you about that part of the body 
I was violated; it was an act of sodomy
The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out
So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout

Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.” 
Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.”
She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?”
Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me  
Kirsty.”

It was a long walk back to the hotel
I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell
The heat of the sun expanded the bottle
Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle

Walking along in agonizing pain 
I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne” 
Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day
Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the 
way”

Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped
Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped
I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy
With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny.
next to me was my dear loving daughter
In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water…

**To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011

**Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**


Details | Light Poetry | |

Bikini

Bikini
Too much fun to wear!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Giving Thanks

This was written by me with the help of the second grade Sunday School class at Maumee United Methodist Church in Maumee, Ohio.

Thank you for the sun so bright, Thank you for the stars at night. Thank you for the food we eat, Especially the turkey meat. Thank you for my family, Thank you for my friends with me. Thank you for cranberries sauced, Especially when they get lost. Thank you for my house and home, Thank you for my brush and comb. Thank you for when things get smashed, Especially for potatoes mashed. Thank you for my TV shows, Thank you for my runny nose. Thank you for bivalve clams, Especially thanks for candied yams. Thank you God for all you give, Thank you for my life to live. Thank you for the food to try, Especially the apple pie. Listen to the song I sing, Thank you Lord for everything!


Details | Tanka | |

My valentine gift

This diamond ring shines with delight
My nails I polished
waiting for its arrival
The other fingers were excited too
They all rejoiced


Details | Limerick | |

Solo Valentine's Day

My least favourite day of the year

Is Valentine's Day and its quite near

Chocolate, hearts and candy

for couples are just dandy

Since I'm single, I'll just have a beer


Details | Light Poetry | |

After the Twelve Days of Christmas the Grand Total Was -

12 drummers drumming
22 pipers piping
30 lords a leaping
36 ladies dancing
40 maids a milking
42 swans a swimming
42 geese a laying
40 gold-en rings...
36 calling birds
30 french hens
22 turtle doves
And 12 partridges in a pear tree

...Frankly, it was a difficult two weeks
It quickly became stuffy and cramped
For example: Where you gonna put 40 cows?
All parties (including me) got VERY grouchy
And the UPS driver was NOT amused
I'm thinking a pair of socks would be nice next year...

Timothy (Scrooge) Ryerson
12/17/2012
For PD's contest


Details | Rhyme | |

What I Want For Christmas

 
What I want for christmas dont fit under that
tree.
Cause it dont involve to much shopping.
Just very little clothes a warm bed and you and me.

You can warp yourself in a bow.
Well share some special holiday cheer.
Over the bed is the perfect place to hang the misletoe.

What I want my dear ya dont have to buy.
Have Ibeen good all year.
Well honey I did try.

Why miss claus I never knew you shopped at
fredricks of holywood.
Spike that eggnog turn down the lights.
we'll try to keep it a silent night
but I dont think we could.

Baby I want the same pressent every year
and for that matter why not every day?
Im just in the holiday spirt what can I say.

Yes from santa I expect a lump of coal.
Makes me wonder why santas so jolly.
Hey I wonder do they gotta strip club at the north pole?

What I want for christmas is a bottle of wild turkey
and you in my bed.
Yes it's more like the playboy mansion.
Than sugar blums dancing in my head.

So my wish for this christmas to yours and you.
keep these holidays happy instead of crazy pulling
out your hair listening to Elvis singin bout a christmas 
so blue.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Kitty and the Bunny: An Easter Song

"The Kitty and the Bunny" is a children's song, sung to the tune of "Pop! Goes the 
Weasel".

'Round and 'round the dogwood tree
Kitty chased the Easter Bunny,
'Til Bunny tossed an egg
That broke Kitty's leg;
And Kitty cried, "This game ain't fun-ny!".

Bonus activity: Give children some crayons and paper and have them turn this poem into a comic strip. Tell them you would use four boxes for your comic strip: one showing Kitty chasing the bunny, the next one showing the bunny tossing an egg, the next showing kitty holding his paw, and the last one showing tears streaming down Kitty's face. But, tell children they can use as few or as many boxes as they like for their comic strips and even change the storyline. The dogwood tree becomes an apple tree and bunny is seen pelting Kitty with apples. Perhaps squirrels join in the fight and start throwing acorns at Kitty.


Details | Verse | |

Eerie Eire

The Amadawn 'ave played the joker 
for the Good folks fairy Coort
'T was they 'ave egged the paper birches
an’ touch’d the scare crow’s stalks.

They 'ave given leerin pumpkin 'eads
to Dullahan's black 'eadless 'orse.
Tied the liein' Leprechain’s tongues
changed the dread Pooka's course.

Stolen the noble Banshees keen moan
an 'idden 'er bone white comb.
They 'ave lured two changeling lovers
to Red Man’s bloody 'ome.

N'er free since June the jesters play
their brash tricks on Samhain’s eve
Stealin' all the gifts left fur the dead 
'neath mournin' mortals trees.

N't till the sunrise will they lave off
wid the Leprechauns in toe.
And sadly scurry 'omeward bound
sure laven us all alone!

* A verse for Samhain's Eve [Better know as Halloween] in Irish dialect


Details | Rhyme | |

Santa is Stuck

While trying to get down this chimney, I got stuck.
I can't budge, this really sucks!
You're wondering what's wrong, you're wondering what's the matter.
The kids have fed me too much milk and cookies and I've gotten fatter.
The owners of this house have seen me and they called the law.
They say I'm trespassing but I'm not trespassing, I'm Santa Claus.
The Cops have arrived and they're having to use the jaws of life.
Let's keep this to ourselves, I'll be put on a diet if you tell my wife.
This situation is so embarrassing but at least I'm not stuck anymore.
I'll never go down a chimney again, from now on I'm going through doors.


Details | Quatrain | |

A KITTY'S THOUGHTS AT CHRISTMAS

It's the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Not a creature is stirring,
Not even a mouse.

Mother and father,
Have put up a tree.
Think I'll just go climb it,
To see what I can see.

Look at all of this tinsle,
And paper and bows,
And yards of bright ribbons,
And lights all aglow.

Is all of this here,
Just for me and the others?
A tree for to climb,
A whole room full of wonders?

A place for us kitties,
To run through and chase,
And send decorations,
All over the place?

Then they can come in,
And rebuild it again,
Knowing that this,
Is all part of the game.

Then they can pretend,
To scold and be mad,
But in secret we know,
It makes their hearts glad,

To see us so happy,
And watch us at play,
Then they get to rebuild it,
It just makes their day.

Not all folks are like them,
It's no joke or jest,
These people of ours,
For sure, they're the best.

                                 Judy Ball


Aren't cats great.
They're fun, funny, curious and so affectionate.
They are total innocence wrapped in a fur coat.
A house is so much more interesting when shared with a pet.


Details | Rhyme | |

We're Really Hotel People

We're living in the Highlands, where we run a B&B,
And folk come here from round the world, the monster for to see.
We get on great with everyone from Eskimos to Mounties,
But the hardest folk to get to know are from the dear ‘Home Counties’.
They seem to have a game plan, and they really make it tough,
They’re the ‘first time up here’ English who expect to find it rough.
They have a preconceived idea; they think that all Scots hate them,
So must quickly grab the upper hand, and then see what fate awaits them.

They book their rooms up months before, and check arrival times,
Then get here as the hour strikes and proceed along these lines.
As even though they’ve driven hours, and invariably it's wet,
Here’s the first words that they utter when they’re stood on our front step:
"You see, we're really ‘Hotel People’, and we never B&B.
And I'm so surprised we're standing here; you see it wasn't up to me.
I'm sure that your home comforts are both adequate and fine,
But we both know there are standards; you've got yours and we've got mine.”

Now, faced with this dilemma as they enter your abode,
Makes you really want to flick them off and send them down the road.
Where hotels are three times our price, and they won't find that funny,
But instead draw consolation from the colour of their money.
Bear in mind they're ‘Southern English’ - and it's all part of their farce,
To knock folk when they meet them, so they'll think they're upper class.

It's all about the image; what you’re driving, what you wear,
So what, if you've a Bentley - I’ve got Saatchi underwear.
And just in case that's not enough, they throw in close relations;
How her sister went to ‘uni’ and now heads United Nations.
Plus, their children have enough degrees to buy you three times over,
And an auntie has a submarine she keeps tied up in Dover.

They must establish the imbalance at the very soonest time,
By reeling off plush purchases and restaurants where they dine.
And then to finally top things off, quote places they frequent,
Where pots and pots of money are so very easily spent.
Know that they cannot help themselves, as when all of this is done,
With their ‘leveling ritual’ exercised, a friendship has begun.

As, come race or creed or wealth or need, you’ll find that they are great,
It's just their way to kick things off, and test if you’re a mate.
For, once you’ve found the common ground and broken all the ice,
You’ve got yourself a brand new friend, who’ll stay with you for life.
You see, those English just don't travel well; they have to raise the flag
They must set you on your back foot, and if all else fails – brag!


Details | Prose Poetry | |

I Sing of Turtle Doves

I am painting pictures of things unseen,and of places I have never been. I am painting masterpieces with my pen,and I sing of Turtle Doves.I Sing songs of things I know not of...Bellowing words of love. Gleeful greetings,I send out, of things which I know not about. To someones heart long ago an Englishman aimed his love... So I sing of Turtle Doves,and leaping lords.
 I have never seen a Partridge nor do I have a pear tree. Yet I Sing the words every year Wholeheartedly.Two Turtle Doves. Three french hens ...and a Partridge in a Pear tree. I even sing of the"Swimming Swans."My favorite part is when you get to hold that note."Five Golden Rings." Then you start  again...               
                         
End Poem


Details | I do not know? | |

- to all- good night.

angels are sprawled 
in the longest reach my children could snow-afford on my former green lawn
over-played carols over-play the car ride to the store, where they will continue 
an embarrassment of lights dangle ‘side a staple-holed roof trim
somewhere not ‘nough off too far
there  are
yards watching snowmen come and go
behind the windows that hold kitchens
the bills are a pilin’
the car’s in the driveway needing to be plugged in
the mailman’s griping ‘bout the weight of his sack
dropping off cards he’d gladly drag back
the t.v.’s got little relief
there’s a log burning on a 24 hour channel
that someone someday will commercial 
the crap out of
office parties forum the drunk, “Here’s what I really think of you…” 
spark the  short lived, misappropriate romance
the mall cattle call. . . from parking lot to till
warrants wrappings to be hauled away
to some landfill
waiting for Valentine’s Day


Details | Rhyme | |

After The Party

He drank a sea 

Of Caribbean Rum

Under the midnight sun

Twenty-one candles

Melted into icing on

Pineapple upside-down

Now the woman in his bed

Is a stranger and his head

Is made of woodpeckers


Details | Free verse | |

Christmas Memories

Vegetarian mom making
Turkey and ham
Trying to please everyone

And veggie burgers
On the “George Foreman” Grill
Not sure where this coming from?

Grandma in her wheelchair
Boys’ pushing her around
The little dog is lap bound.

Grandpa going down the steps
Trying with his cane so hard
Please help the old man down!

Appetizer dish with 
Everything pickled
The South is where I am from

Family of many sharing 
Christmas memories 
Of days long gone by

Norah Jones on the stereo 
Sweet voice she has
Playing background in the room

Presents galore
Around a synthetic tree
Decorated with lights and more

“Oh no! Boys’ stop!
Grandma's heading for the tree!”
Oh well, the angel fell, sure looks pretty on me!

Macaroni pie, sweet carrots
Candied yams, the children and I
Panting around the table of food

Apple, southern pecan
Peach and cherry pie
Everyone can hardly wait to try

The Southern Belle 
Has something to tell, 
“It’s time to eat, Go find your seat!”

Open your presents
After dinner
Lots of laughter and fun

“What did you get?”
“Look what I got?”
What a delight, paper spun around

Time for dessert
Ready to burst, but
Manners are number one

Women in the kitchen
Cleaning up the dishes
Men asleep from too much fun.

Next year we will repeat
For this is how we do it
In the Winter’s Southern Sun! 

©Holly P. Moore
   November 2012


Details | Rhyme | |

Candy Crush

It’s Halloween and I've gorged again
Eating as much as several men
Sickened last year, didn't learn then
After I start I can’t say when

Now what’s left is scattered about
Stomach’s gone from thin to stout
Will take months to work this out
I’ll regret it tomorrow without a doubt

Candy corn, bars and lollipops
Tasted so good I couldn't stop
Ate so much my belly might pop
Exhausted on the couch I flop

I have to admit with some dismay
That Haloween’s still a month away
Adding shame to this display
I have to buy more later today

(Everything Halloween Free Poetry Contest 10/9/13)


Details | Sonnet | |

Holiday Mishaps

The room looks over and starts to chuckle.
An oddly beautiful stream of cider
Erupting from the nose of my uncle.
Kids waiting for a Christmas night rider,

All hoping to finally see Saint Nick.
Aunty Mary stands up and starts to twirl,
Nigh knocking over a lamp, she stops quick,
And she instead flattens the nearest girl.

Family running to see if she is fine,
We end up running into each other.
Dinner’s done, I head for the starting line,
And I’m elbowed in the face by brother.

It wouldn’t be family, well I assume,
Lack a trip to the emergency room.


Details | Bio | |

Ischchaduta II


******Note:******

This is a new word in the name of the Infamous Pinkee....I still say that it should be
added to the British and/or American Dictionary!  There is an ongoing campaign to 
implement this change fore it is detrimental to the survival of the total alphabet system.
This, I do in the name of the Pinkster....The only problem with this word is that it's spelling
seem's to change every time that it is used, according to the setence structure. I bet that 
Scholars' will fight over this for years.....


Ischchaduta (ish-chc-duta)

Ishchehaduta do what you want
I can ish-chu-data
The way that I feel
I can isch-cu-duta
When I finally need a break
Or climbing up a hill
      ------
That's that old isch-ca-dut-a
Some-time's it could kill
     ------
I can isch-chu-du-a
When I'm eating a steak
I can even isch-cu-duta
When it is all just a big mistake
That's the chance we take
      -------
I can ischcu-duat
When I say that I love you
When I am alone and feel blue
I truly isch-ca-duta-doo
Especially for you
      ------
I can isch-cu-duta
When I am talking on
        The phone
This is the making of
    Isch-chu-da
When I just want to play
           All alone
      ------
I do seem to isch-ul-ax
When I just want to relax
I isch-cc- to the max
When it is time to pay
The "ISR" their tax'
      -----
I ischu-duta-day
In such a seriou's way
As a fact of the matter
I wish that I could Is-cha-duta
         Again to day
Only this time that I ish-co-duta
It won't be for play

                 GF


Details | Rhyme | |

The Best Gift Ever

The best gift I received was a cover 
In 1975 from my mother
You are thinking ‘that’s a terrible presents’ 
But back then we were cold, hungry peasants. 
It was fluffy polyester with rayon
Or was it pink polyester and nylon?
It was labeled a ‘velvety soft mink’
Never washed it became the ‘pink stink’
I would turn myself into a taco
And feel like I’d won life’s big lotto. 


Details | Lyric | |

A Florida Christmas Jingle

Written to the tune of "Jingle Bells"

Here in Florida,
We don't get any snow,
We don't have sleighs to ride,
But we do have mistletoe!

For a little Christmas jaunt,
We'll drive 'round after dark,
To view the Christmas-lighted homes,
And displays at the park.

Ho! Ho! Ho! 
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!

Driving through the rain,
In a souped up Cheverolet,
Traffic's moving slow,
But hey, that's A-okay.

Christmas carols blare,
From the Chevy's radio,
We're having fun singing along,
Making words up as we go!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!

12/4/2011 for Debbie Guzzi's Deja vu Christmas contest.

Trying to think of a Christmas song or story that I could modernize, Jingle Bells popped in my head.  I live in Florida and it doesn't (usually) snow here, so tried to come up with a snowless version of the song.


Details | Limerick | |

Old Christmas Tune

There once was a lad, he was two. 
Christmas always did make him blue.
In Santa he believed
But gifts he din receive
Cause granny believed in Santa too.



Details | I do not know? | |

More than weather, can be frightful or Unseasonal Christmas

Used to be the weather was frightful
People covered themselves from head to toe
Now, despite the fact it’s Christmas season
I see more sand, than I see snow
The temperatures keep on elevating
To the moon, they just seem to rise
Oh, where is the Christmas of yesterday
The rosy cheeks, windows fogged with ice

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town

Frosty, it seems we’re not gonna see him
Heat miser, now, has gotten his day
Can’t ole Jack Frost do something about this
And chase the warm weather away
No need to chop wood set for burning
The heated air replaces that in the hearth
I hope it gets cold and very soon, too
Because Christmas puts warmth in everyone’s heart

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town

Oh, when Christmas day finally gets here
Right now, I’ll tell ya, all I wanna see
Are people with scarves and gloves on their hands
And snow bringing life to all barren trees
I want the temps to chill me right to the bone
That’s when I’ll know it’s Christmas time
Who wants to look up and see a sleigh
With a fat man in a speedo, flying around

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town


Details | Footle | |

Aim Awry - Footles

Stupid Cupid “Aim’s off!” I scoff His bow Hit low Beau's voice Once choice Awry Now high
*Entry for Dane Ann’s Valentine Footles contest


Details | Rhyme | |

Rebellion At The North Pole

Since July the elves and reindeer, even Mrs. Claus have been on Santa's back!
(Al Gore's prediction of meltin' snow nearly caused him to have a panic attack!)
It seems that try as he might, Santa encountered problems at every turn.
He's becomin' somewhat burned out and reachin' that point of no return!

Mrs. Claus berated him day and night for workin' just one day a year,
Insistin' that he get a decent job, get off welfare and off his fleshy rear!
She'd like to spend winters in Bermuda, the Bahamas or Kiribati,
But noooo, he goes gallivantin' all over from Argentina to Zimbabwe!

Don't know what's got into the reindeer but they're feelin' mighty morose;
Perhaps because of all the fame showered on the one with the shiny nose!
They've moped about, eatin' like army mules gettin' fat and slouchy.
The cantankerous beasts have made Santa terribly tense and grouchy!

Those good for nothin' elves went on strike causin' a slow down in work.
They're tryin' to form a toy makers union causin' Santa to go berserk!
Such sloppy work! Talkin' dollies counted cadence, "Hup, two, three, four!"
The toy soldiers cried, "I want my mama!" as they marched off to war!

Despite problems at The Pole he'll trim his beard and don his crimson suit.
He'll "Ho, Ho", eat dozens of stale cookies and be dusted with tons of soot,
As once again he'll mysteriously soar through space with the reindeer towin',
Delightin' boys and girls around the world with the toys he'll be bestowin'!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Light Poetry | |

Justice Santa Style

This Holiday collaboration is brought to you from Carolyn Devonshire and Tony Lane. Carolyn wrote all of the even stanzas and I wrote all of the very odd ones. 

I was driving the interstate while on a get away, Escaping from a situation even if only for today. I might not forget everything but I was going to try, Nothing to distract me until her tail light caught my eye. She was weaving in and out of traffic, looking pretty squirrelly. Her horn kept blaring as she was jumping lanes erratically. It was near the holidays; didn't want the white-haired lady to crash. Gifts were piled high in her car; she had quite a Christmas stash. I signaled for her to pull over to see if I could render aid, To see if I could help and I hoped she wouldn’t be afraid. But when I got to her door it was not what I had feared, The long white hair was attached to some guy with a beard. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" he said, "Merry Christmas to you, officer. Rudolph has a cold, so many gifts I had to transfer.” Startled by his greeting, I knew Santa had no license. “You’re having some problems,” I said, “and snowfall’s getting dense.” “How did you know that I was a cop? I’m on a little break, I needed to get away a while because I’ve made a big mistake. But I saw you swerve and I’m not sure you’ll make it back alive, So how about we load my truck because I’ve got four wheel drive.” “Ah, Tony boy, here’s a gift for you; I knew that you had erred. Your son wrote me a letter and this is what I heard: “Please bring my Dad Viagra. His sperm is moving too slow. And I want a little brother, but this you surely know.” “Well, Santa, I don’t want to say that your good deed is out of place, And I’ll still be happy to drive so fast you’ll think you’re in a race. I can’t accept that gift and I sure don’t mean to burst your bubble, But that little blue pill you have is exactly what got me into trouble.” That’s when Claus reached into his pocket and winked, saying, “I know. But this time use it with your wife and just watch her face glow. And here,” he added, as he tossed red and green balloons at me, “These are Christmas condoms to use with your barmaid Betty!” Then he grabbed for my keys and this much I know, He left me standing there in a cold drift of snow. And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all and to you, a really, really, really good night!!!”


Details | Haiku | |

sugar plumpling

“sugar plumpling”
dieting again—
no chocolate hearts

© February 14, 2012
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen


Details | Free verse | |

I Saw Daddy Knocking Santa Claus

Whoa! Daddy's knocking Santa Claus!

I saw Daddy knocking Santa Claus 
(knocking, knocking Santa Claus)
Just beside the christmas tree last night
He shouldn't came and crept
Daddy knew Mom and him had kissed
Mom's worry for what she did
She prayed Santa not to beep

Then, I saw Daddy carry Santa Claus
(carry, carry Santa Claus)
And get him to his sleigh reindeer ride
Oh, what a trouble that it had been
Thank Mommy she hadn't seen
Daddy knocking Santa Claus last night

(She saw Daddy knockin, knockin, knockin, Santa Claus)
I did, I really did see Daddy knocking Santa Claus.
I'm not gonna tell my Mommy

Then I saw Daddy kissing Mommy now 
(kissing, kissing, kissing Mommy now)
Underneath the mistletoe, just right
Oh, a what a laugh that it has been
When they caught me as I stare
Daddy kissing Mommy hugs her tight

Oh, a what a laugh that it has been
When they caught me as I stare
Daddy kissing Mommy hugs her tight


From the original song
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"


Details | Rhyme | |

The First Thanksgiving

'Tis said that the first Thanksgiving feast was celebrated in sixteen twenty-one.
'Twas the Pilgrims' first bountiful harvest so they decided to have some fun!
(That was the genesis of church potlucks that are popular to this very day,
And the origin of that American addiction, the all-you-can-stuff-ten-buck buffet!)

They invited Indian friends but with wary eye kept their blunderbusses handy,
In case the guests and their squaws might become sozzled with too much brandy!
The Injuns brought canoes full of maize, deer and fishes from Cape Cod Bay.
(Puritan ladies shyly tittered at the breechcloths worn by braves on that day!)

The Pilgrims had diligently tilled God's good earth to grow vittles for the feast,
And prowled forest and waterway on the hunt for fowl and four-footed beast!
Tables groaned with grub - the menu would've done the Waldorf-Astoria proud.
There was little talk 'cept for an occasional "pass the salt" from that ravenous crowd!

There were apple, peach and punkin pies and heaps of smoked and roasted turkey.
Also, fiery brandy, cider, barbequed beef, lima beans and piles of venison jerky!
Succotash, sweet pertaters, peas and turnips were heaped on pewter plates.
Gluttonous souls were heard to groan and appeared to be in desperate straits!

Missing was the dreaded green bean casserole that hadn't been concocted yet,
Since Campbell's mushroom soup, an essential ingredient, they could not get!
'Twas on that notable day that the strutting and hapless turkey made its debut!
(Oft I've mused - did the Palefaces and the Redskins play a football game too?)

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | I do not know? | |

Armed and Dangerous (A Valentine's Poem)

Don’t know about you, but I think it’s stupid
To give lethal weapons to a diapered Cupid
(and what happens when he’s gotta go?)

See his soft feathered wings?
 (Those fat little things!)
They flutter fast as he flies to and fro

But as he tries to take aim
To start the Valentine game
He sees the earth rushing up from below

For he keeps sinking down
And hitting the ground
Overburdened by his arrows and bow

---

He comes to our planet just one day a year
To practice his skills as a shootist
The rest of the time he’s hidden away—
What’s he do in absentia? Be a flutist?

‘Cuz he sure can’t shoot straight, this fat little angel, 
Child of eros and chaos and earth
I wonder if Venus had any idea
He’d be so fickle, so playful, perverse

Some of his arrows are gold-tipped, 
The tips of the others are lead
And where the gold ones inspire amoré, 
The lead ones breed hatred instead

---
 
Yes, he’s armed & he’s dangerous,
This chubby fly boy
And he’s out of control in the air

At sweet couples kissing,
He keeps shooting & missing --
Hither & yon, over here, over there

So I say, Watch out for that cherub!
Stay out of his way!
Young lovers, go, take cover now!

Give one another a bear hug
And try to live through this day –
Look, he just hit a tree – Holy Cow!

Like I said, it’s just stupid
To arm this babe, Cupid,
To entrust him with arrows and bow

For while he can fly, he just can’t shoot straight
And I don’t want his hands to be holding my fate
I tell ya, he’s just got to go

Before something happens
And his lead-headed weapons
Accidentally break the heart of my beau


Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Clause is Naughty!

O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your beard is so darn sexy!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
You make me want you badly!

I dream of you, all night through
Make my Christmas wish come true!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your belly is so Sexy!

Leave your suit on the toy shop floor
Lets hide behind the closet door!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
You always leave me wanting more!

O Santa Clause O Santa Clause
Leave only just your boots on!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Leave only just your boots on!

You naughty man, you want me too
You look at me, I know you do!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your beard is so darn sexy!


Inspired by Johns Crazy Christmas Carols
Contest
Tune of: O Christmas Tree


Details | Tanka | |

In The Boondocks Somewhere

Down in the boondocks_somewhere Just between nowhere_nothing Needing a facility_none Help please in boondocks
Click on about this poem Down In The Boondocks a pop song title not an orginal idea


Details | Verse | |

Of Mice, Women and Santa

Once there was a very tiny mouse.
       Who came to live in a very large house.
He made a nest inside the wall.
       And had lots of fun running up and down the hall.
 
There came a time when he smelled some cheese,
       And he climbed the table and was very pleased.
For sitting there in the middle, was a big plate of Swiss.
       And he made a dive and couldn't hardly miss.
 
He was enjoying himself and had had his fill.
       When a lady came in and started to squeal.
She was very tall and very slim,
       She reached for the cheese plate to try to catch him.
 
He was quick as a wink and flew out of her reach.
       Jumped into a fruit bowl and onto a peach.
The peach was so fuzzy, he let out a squeek.
       Then trying to hide was quite a big feat.

The lady kept looking but it was in vain.
       For the mouse was now hidden behind a glass pane.
She finally gave up and went back to her work.
       But once in a while you could see her head jerk.

For out of the corner of her eye she was spying,
       to get a glimpse of any movement trying.
He tiptoed so quietly back into the hall.
       And the lady never noticed and soon left for the mall.

He knew from now on, he would have to be cautious.
       and not do anything that would make people nautious.
He kept himself clean, that is, clean as a mouse could.
       He didn't leave droppings as he knew other mice would.

He kept to himself until one Christmas Eve.
       When he heard what he thought was a message to leave.
Dear Santa had stopped by this large house so fine.
        And had been ask by this lady to dine.

The mouse knew who Santa was and saw his big pack.
       And decided to hide in it before Santa came back.
He found a nice place, inside of a shoe.
       And fell fast asleep before he even knew.

Adventure was his on that magical night.
       Dear Santa took him on a marvelous flight.
And when it was over, he decided to stay.
       With dear Santa, who carried him home with him, that day.



For Anything Goes contest by Constance La France


Details | Free verse | |

ALL IS WELL IN HELL

ALL IS WELL IN HELL
AS YOU CAN TELL 
FROM THE MELLOW TONE
OF MY FUNNY BONES
PLAYING WHITE CHRISTMAS


Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Letters

'Tis so nice at Christmas time to receive a colorful array of cards,
From kith and kin sending their warmest Yuletide regards.
I don't mind receiving bills or a summons to serve on a jury,
But opening a card and finding a Noel letter causes me some fury!

Such missives detail the doings of their entire family tree.
I have no idea who they're talking about - it matters not to me.
Their perfect kids are doing great, earning scholarships to Yale,
Yet there is no mention of one who 'tis well known ended up in jail!

So they bought each of the kids a brand new DTS Cadillac,
And they vacationed at their fancy condo in Fond du Lac,
But no mention that Mom and Dad are due in county court,
To begin bankruptcy proceedings since money has come up short!

Junior is a super-star on the local high school football team.
No doubt he'll be picked for an NFL team - that is his dream.
But no mention that he was quietly benched during mid-season.
He was caught smoking something funny seems to be the reason!

I enjoy receiving traditional cards depicting Santa's ponderous girth,
And especially those telling of the dear Savior's wondrous birth,
But please spare me those inane letters and their gobbledegook!
I'd just as soon relax by the fire and peruse my telephone book!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Blank verse | |

halloween

 (Halloween)     
Old people and children are to blame for our overpopulation, yet the land where 
I live, is empty everyone has gone to live in a city fleeing poverty hoping to find 
work, now they are worse off than before. A sudden blackout, I sat in darkness
 couldn’t even see my hands. Staggered around till I found a flashlight, lit candles 
I had in the kitchen; back at the time when people rose at first light and went to 
bed early and stories were told by the old by the fireside .Only priests could read 
and we believed in their gospel truths and they held the evil power of knowledge.
 Now cities are lit up like Christmas, no corners are dark and it easier to believe in 
neon light rather than god. We are urbane and laugh in the face of gloom and call 
it Halloween. There was a time when people were old at forty and many children 
died in infancy. Electricity is back, but we mustn’t forget if we do not take care we 
can easily be thrown into to a world of cruelty where only those between the age
of twenty and sixty have the right to eat, and babies are hidden in basements to
avoid detection have their vocal cord cut. The old have facelift in frantic attempt 
to look fifty four, to avoid being gassed, at places called: “Friends of the seniors” 
and “Heavenly Peace.”  And silent children, survivors of our selfish madness, shall
 inherit our world and learn to whistle as new way of communication.  


Details | Rhyme royal | |

The Saint Is In The House

Their was a clammer
   On the chimney
Movement about, 
I couldn't believe it
Some-one just knocked
         Santa out
      ------
Old Saint Nick was out
       Like a light
So, as to say
Merry Christmas to all
And to all good night
          But,
The burglars' were hood's
      -------
Santa hung out carrying a bag
      Poor Saint Nick
They took everything He had
      No tinny tinney reindeer
        No toy's for the kid's
And they took his wallet
       They also took his
 What you ma call it
   O'h, yes they did
They also took one
Of his tinny reindeer
      ------
             But
      ------
  Rudolph did hide
He hide some where inside
He didn't have his money
But he still had his pride'
      ------
He did know that it was 
     Christmas
So, he did had to slide
Their were so many children
Those poor little soul's
They could not be denied
      ------
If not for the sake of anything'
He will just have to see you outside
      ------
We wish you a Merry Christmas
And a Awsome Fourth of July
      ------
Because that is what it will be
The next time that those
            Hoods' come by
And all the little children
They shouldn't have to cry
The next time I see them
They will get pepper in their eye
I am sorry I lost those toy's
They were all that we had
      -----
What else can go wrong
And it is kind of sad
But that is what happens
When Santa goe's bad
      ----
Santa was had and mad
       Again

                   GF


*****Note:********

The following weekend their was a add in the paper for one tinney Reindeer.....

Another add said: Reinder for ransome; Santa need not answer.....


Details | Limerick | |

Jamming Commercials

Starting earlier every year,
Christmas costs more and more with less cheer.
This year Santa fell flat.
His diet took the fat,
Elves said,” this will not be good” they fear.

Watching commercials, they got idea.
Close diners, except pizzeria.
Each ad on T.V. now,
Pictures of pizzas wow!
Santa gains, without diarrhea.

Ads worked, he got a jolly belly.
Elves solemnly sat in a deli.
Commercialized just right,
His red suit fit so tight,
They needed petroleum jelly.


Details | Rhyme | |

Halloween Grinch

Another Halloween approaches
Kids all  up in my face, the  roaches!
They're running up to my house
Candy is what it's all about about

Maybe I should keep them guessing
No candy till we say a blessing
For all those rotted teeth forthcoming
Sugar messing up their plumbing

Grabbing handfuls from my candy dish
Put mousetraps in there? Oh how I wish
I can almost hear them whisper
What a rotten trick there mister.

I would smile and only say
Its the tricks that make my day
treats are for the few you see
who do not come to bother me

I'll send it to them in the mail
They love to get it without fail.
They'll ask their parents where it came from
Who'll answer from the old mean one

The one who lives across the street
The one who hates Halloween
He wants all the kids to stay away
We know just how to make him pay.

When Halloween next it comes
We'll all gather every one
and keep ringing his old doorbell
Until his eardrums start to swell

Then we'll take all those mousetraps
Throw them in his waiting lap
and whatever they happen to latch upon
Won't matter to us we'll be gone

At the hospital when they ask him
who did this deed on just a whim
He'll say it was for Halloween
His trick sure was a special treat.


Details | Rhyme | |

Poetry About Poetry

Shades of color bounce within
Singing their hues dancing in place
Vivid lines colored outside
Rules broken with empty space
A midnights dream heard and seen
Gleaming from the twinkle of a eye
Wings touched flown and plucked
Gliding like a bird up in the sky
Wishes from pennies thrown into tears
The reservoir over flowing with pigments of pain
Drowning from the shadows 
The flood paints the day
Words speak volumes of silence hidden
Their sounds blind to what they see
Mirrors of nouns and verbs 
Their meaning and secrets lost at sea
Emotions ruled by laws of language
Spelled in boxes of glass
Melted from sands inside
That voices strangle to grasp


Details | Free verse | |

A Halloween to haunt

Int this starry night 
Hidden by the moonlight
Were true love flowers
And true hatred devours
As my life flashes
My future and past passes
I wonder what can I do 
For Im dead without my shoe
Ha Ha I may be old
Even I dont know my  own age
Just another day In my page
Tonight is the creepshow
And the stinch flows
Halloween i say
Halloween is the way
Be frightened and scared
You will not be spared
Ghouls and ghost plunder in darkness
Werewolves and Vampires are coming out
With there scary spout
As the zombies rise
Here comes Frankenstein
With there deathly cries
The leeches nibble your blood
Can you feel the disgusting
Graveyard mud
Run all you want
We will not give up the hunt
Goodnight please let the bed bugs bite


Details | Grook | |

I'm A Chump

<                                        emphasis of labor day

                                        symbolic's end of summer

                                        picnics and parades display

                                     American workers get chummier


Details | Limerick | |

February's Valentine

Valentine’s Day is a day of great romance
One of which two warm kisses might enhance
During our short kissing trips
You fall and your dress rips
Our hearts must not be in a magical trance

Russell Sivey

Entrant into Linda-Marie The Sweetheart of P.S.'s "FEBRUARY FUNNY BONE" contest

1/30/2012


Details | Light Poetry | |

Halloween Humor.

Halloween's that time of year.
When ghosts and gobblins will appear.
From door to door they trick or treat.
So when their done they cold feet.
The kids don't care they have their candy.
While mom and dad break out the brandy.
For their the ones who feel the cold.
Which means one thing their getting old.
The kids drift off and fall asleep.
Now to the candy their parents creep.
Their favorite candy is what they seek.
There's no big harm to take a peek.
They never let this secret go.
But kids are smart and always know.


Details | Ballad | |

BEING SANTA FOR A NIGHT

Some think that happiness is having lots of things,
I dispute your mundane point of view and come Christmas Eve,
I would like to ride my sleight and be Santa for a night...
but I would need the fastest reindeers, not four wheels;
and down dark chimneys, I would quietly slide and soon leave
through the front door like a thief who's getting away in dim light.


I had better not see some of you peak behind a door,
you must be fully asleep, otherwise no presents at all;
I fear that not many will heed what I am saying and to those 
kids listening: more gifts I'll put under their fireplace,
but to the ones who are disobedient, nothing I will give!
Hurry to bed and make those wishes and in me believe! 


I hear someone giggling, not taking me seriously when I fantasize,
and just because I have a beard and white hair like your grandpa does,
it doesn't mean I am not fit to ride as a young man can and be on time...
tonight nothing can stop me from being Santa for a night: 
I must hurry and load my sacks on this sleight and riding away!
Look! I am riding over towns and cities, mountains and seas...I will arrive!


No evening has ever been so quite, every street  is buried in deep snow,
lampposts twinkle replacing the invisible lovely stars, only owls eyes glow...
ah, its a ghost town before midnight...usually kids stay out late and have snow fights!
Ah, slick children they are hiding behind windows with eyes as bright as lights! 
But feeling their little anxious hearts beat, I shouldn't be as hard as a rock...   
all this lonely, old man desires is to wish all Happy Holidays and be Santa for a night!


Details | Prose Poetry | |

118

 118 
118 
 
 
CharlaXFabels 
 
AprilFooley 
 
 Is tomorrow the end of March or the beginning of April April one or March 32 the 
way to approach the online scenario is to make it seem to be true. Associated 
Press AP: The Government in a brief memo enacted a new presidential law 
bringing the March 32 a new day into the light of day. The President of the United 
States declared leap year over null and voided. Here is the words of the transcript 
from the Whitehouse: This is President Bush talking "Eye am certain all we ever 
had to do was add a day on the end of a month when we need to in the year they 
used to all call leap year year. March now has the end of the month the April 
starts after the March 32 has come." End of quotation. The Democrats in Georgia 
have declared WAR upon the United States "we believe it to be wrong to take 
away leap year is bad enough but to add a day to MARCH is madness." The 
press corp at the Whitehouse is for once speechless. The day of the end of 
March will be celebrated all over the nation with the observnace of the Marching 
Bands of America. Send money via PayPal to Box 666 Mountain Verne 
Washingtonia, D.C. For the hearing impaired we have prepared a phonetic 
version of this message. March 32. Mahrrch Thirtee Twuu. In DRY counties of 
Arkansas this day will fall on April 1, 2008. The subdivisions housing in the 
Indian Reservations in Oklahoma will be left out. No one in Central Asia may 
observe it. Lets go LIVE to the White house to ask a question of Mrs. Bush. What 
will you do Barbara? The First Lady is unavaliable for comment. This is highly 
unusual. We remain speechless. The new day falls on a Tuesday this year and 
April 1, 2008 is on this Wednesday. All of you are April fools.


Details | Limerick | |

SANTA CLAUSE


That Santa Clause with his Big Belly
He only laughing at all ah we,
With all his HO HO HO
As if I don't know,
That all the stores want is we money.


He thinks it's a joke, I tell you so
Him and his Wife and Elves do know,
And the more He deceive
Is the more we believe,
And Business men raking in the dough.


So Santa you better take a break
I don't have a job, for goodness sake,
So no milk and cookies
They will give cavities,
This Christmas Eve we're staying awake.


Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Presents

I've been around for more Christmases than I care to remember,
But I'm still filled with excitement as Yuletide nears in December,
Hoping that when I open that beautifully wrapped box,
That it won't contain the usual tie and matching argyle socks!

Each November my spouse asks, "What for Christmas do you aspire?"
I ask of her the same, "What does your dear heart desire?"
To each we always say, "I need nothing, it matters not to me!"
One year we'll surprise each other with nothing beneath the tree!

My family can thank their Mother who shops for every gift,
Otherwise, left to me, they'd all receive very short shrift!
She has excellent taste and is a very diligent shopper,
Ensuring that sizes, styles and colors are all fit and proper!

I've always heard that it's better to give than to receive,
And it's the thought that counts, both of which I believe,
But bless my soul, why doesn't Santa bring things for which I plead,
Then, I needn't have garage sales for the stuff that I don't need!

When all is said and done, the gift that makes my heart glow,
Is not to be found in a box bound by fancy ribbon and bow,
But comes in the form of love from those whom I treasure - 
A gift from the heart, warming my soul with infinite pleasure!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

A Cheerful Note (For Once!)

Who needs to take a girl to Paris
And jump at her command,
When you have a friend of fourteen years
To accompany you to Disneyland?

No metaphors today my friends,
Just simple, happy rhyme,
Three weeks today until I leave,
And I can't help grinning all the time!


Details | I do not know? | |

After The Vacation And Dirty Clothes

The Mother Ship has brought me in
I must now clear the den
Of all the dirties from the trip
I have, I have to get a grip

Packing up and arriving home
Has left me somewhat alone
Everyone has disappeared to separate space
Now I have to have the grace

Not complain but do the work
Of coming home to the same old stuff
Grind of everyday has its way
Of sucking the life right away


Details | Limerick | |

February Funny Bone

February signifies love
Nothing more lovely than looking at doves
We eat, drink, and we're merry too
Next month we cry, cause we went up a size or two
February, month of love


Details | Rhyme | |

Valen-Times

So, hey...
Wass all this 'bout Valentines Day?
Hell, ain't much more'n a play.
Peoples just acting the day away
T' git some roughin' later in the hay.

Been thinkin' 'bout this fer hours...
What's the deal with them flowers?
Ain't no really big WOW!ers.
Better sendin' 'em back to the plowers.

Oh yeah, and "I love you" on some dang card!?
What am I, a freakin' retard?
Mushier 'n a tub o' lard.
Y' know, after a while...
...some things just git tired.

What else I forgit?
Gifts I can't afford for s(p)it.
Lingerie or heart-shaped oven mit?
Hell, you know ain't nothin' gonna fit.

Now I know somethin' here's amiss.
Don't understand farther 'n i can piss.
There a senimenal romance somewhere's in all this.
So come on over here, darlin',...and give me a kiss.


Details | Verse | |

Timeless

Joanna Davis

Bulging bags, a half eaten bun
Scribbled postcards penned on the run
Victoria station, just two stops away
From the end of another short holiday
Summers over, time to return 
To cooking and cleaning, the list goes on and on
Souvenirs a plenty; a mug of the queen
Galleries and gardens, no sight left unseen
Last hugs and kisses, watering eyes
No time for tears, or long goodbyes
Days we’ll long remember, You and I
Funny how quickly, the time’s flown by
I’ll write you; I promise, a letter each day
Until it’s your turn to come over, and stay


Details | Narrative | |

SEA TO SHINNING SEA

SEA TO SHINNING SEA,
 
...this is so intimate of time, as a first kiss of time is...so close of soul, so near, so dear of heart beat, so precious a rhyme that flows so intimately,
 
deep of time, down by the Crystal Seas...
 
...this is so intimate of dreams,
dreaming reality,
 
as the Crystal Sea so reveals of destinies galore,
sparkles,
destined as the night light of the moon-glows of starry eyes,
upon the waters,
 
...gazing
 
...seeing tranquility upon the waves...
watching to the depth of a dream,
and a sun-rise
 
being so true...
 
for underneath and within this a moon-lit poem of starry night eyes, down by the Crystal Seas, a vessel sets sail upon the deep...into a kiss of dawn...
 
Sea to shinning Sea.
 
mb(2011)
 


Details | Rhyme | |

Santas Little Helpers-part1

'Twas the Night before Christmas and I must confess,
the year 1987, started out just like all of the rest,
with christmas lights twinkling from everyone's dwelling,
but believe me it was different and far more compelling!'

'I'm Sarah, a reporter, who's delivering this tale,
from Chris' own journal this story's regaled,
'I was down in his cellar to take a quick look,
when high up on a shelf was a thin little book!'

'It was dusty and I coughed as I turned the first page,
written in Santas' own words now yellowed with age.'
'December 20th, three of my deer have the flu,
mere days before Christmas-Whatever will I do?'

Just think of it friends-All those poor girls and boys,
searching for that gift from Santa or that special toy!
'Maybe it is a doll, some baseball cards or a game,
with faces abeam, they clutch their gift, yelling 'Oh, it came!'

Reading on, I sympathized with Chris' own plight,
only a few reindeer to pull the heavy sled through the night!
Santa wrote, 'I thought to ask God for an angel or two,
then realized, they were probably too busy with all that they do!'

'For they surely were busy, helping those left alone,
and directing others to shelters, when they had no home,
but the hardest of all, to which I have cried,
is when they comfort the family-at a teen's suicide!'

'I am still in great awe, at God's fabulous gift to me,
the power to reach children and leave a gift under the tree!'
'So I'll fly through the night with only five deer,
and somehow make my deliveries as I do every year!'

'I'll use a shorter harness and reposition the deer instead,
with the strongest in front to balance my heavy sled.'
The pack of toys in the center and I in my seat,
and I'll place one in the lead with the nimblest of feet!'

- Well it's Christmas Eve and so far nothing's gone wrong,
half the world's now visited, the gifts where they belong,
but my reindeer are more tired each time I sneak a glance
and now's no time to rest as we are heading through central France.

'Suddenly our speed begins to drop while flying through space,
the sleigh starts to sway, as my leader's hip slips out of place,
desperately I pull up on the other reindeers' tethers,
but we are fallin' too fast, through the cold foggy weather!'

'Looming ahead, I barely saw the darkened castle,
manouvering toward it, proved to be more than a hassle!'
'We hit the turret wall, up and over we dropped,
and bouncing, skidding and braking we finally came to a stop...'


Details | Limerick | |

Hot Melted Christmas

Twas the week before Christmas, 
 And all through Wyoming. 
 I was looking for another way, 
 To greet all my homies. 

 I in my jacket. 
 Ma, in sub-zero, 
 We drove to the local sandwich shop, 
 For a hot melted hero. 

 Two for the road, 
 I exclaimed to the gal. 
 Make it snappy, 
 Before Ma gives me hell. 

 We were back on the road. 
 Quicker than quick, 
 Then Ma yelled, STOP! 
 They forgot the Garlic. 

 So back to shop, 
 We rushed right away. 
 Only to find, 
 They done closed for the day. 

 Well, need be I say, 
 Ma was more than a little upset. 
 So she wrote "You A$$H@les" on the window, 
 With her hot melted wreck. 

 I watched Ma kicking and screaming, 
 as the officers dragged her away. 
 So I waved and I shouted, 
 "They say you'll get out, on New Year's day. 

Guess you won't be needing that Christmas present? 

I'll exchange it for ya. 

Love ya Ma." 


Details | Quatrain | |

A Toast for New Years Eve

Whilst I lay in my bed, 
And reflect on my past
I remember that I want, 
Certain moments to last.
 
Like this evening tonight;
On New Years Eve;
We’re having too much fun
With much more to achieve!

For the New Year, is here!
And let it be said
’08 is now gone,
It is totally dead!

So we lift up our glasses!
Way high in the sky!
We’re not going to remember this,
Let’s not even try!

Don’t take a drink!
It’s not yet that time!
You have to let me finish
My cute little rhyme!

Now cheers to our friends,
Both new and old!
Let’s cheers to the stories 
That have yet to be told!

Let’s cheers to the nights 
That we stayed out late
Let’s cheers to you!
For being so wonderful, 
And being so great!

Happy New Year!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Tryptophantastic

Their bodies are strewn about like the leaves that fall in autumn, They act like they’ve never done this before like no one’s ever taught ‘em. There was a massacre at this house and it was moderation that was killed, Excessive consumption rules the day in which giving thanks is filled. They’re going to get up and move around just as soon as they can, As soon as they can build the strength to snatch more pie from the pan. The air is filled with gasps and snores as the TV plays the game, They’ve all done this to themselves but the turkey gets the blame.


Details | Limerick | |

Halloween Fright Fest

The horror movies on the T.V. screen
are my favourite aspect of Halloween.
Ghosts and ghoulies by the score.
Look out !  Don't open that door !
Jamie Lee is still my favourite scream-queen.

There's a Stephen King movie every night.
He's always good for a delightful fright.
We all love to be scared
so you'd best be prepared.
By November you'll sleep with a night light.


Details | Rhyme | |

TAG

Tag! Your it! Like in the school days.
I got your mind lost, like you were in a corn maze.
This isn't Halloween, just another day of the week.
I'm always getting candy. I say forget trick or treat.
You can forget Flasnick. People just call me Flash.
My rap game's so scary, I say hell with the mask.
Forget Jason, They call me Lil T.
Wake up it's not Freddy, it's me you see in your dreams.
I'm rated X. Noway I'm PG13.
Sisco and Ebert said not to see the damn thing.
So if you do, you better call me the king.
I'll give you six days to live. I'm more hard core then the Ring!


Details | I do not know? | |

April

April blooms
May is sunny
June is warm
July is funny
August is autumn
September is chilly
October is a filly
November is cold
December is jolly
January is happy
February is Lovely
March is warmer


And there is it again.
Spring at the sight of April


Details | Quatrain | |

Black-eyed Peas and Hog Jowl

Black-eyed peas and hog jowl
That's what my grandma said.
Ham or bacon, but never foul.
And don't forget cornbread.

People up North may eat sauerkraut.
But in the South we eat collard greens.
The young and old, without a doubt
Know what this lucky meal means.

The more beans you eat
The more luck and good cheer,
A 365 bean gastric-atomic feat…
Tooting beans we all welcome the year.

Each in the family fully stuffing his face,
The well wishes soon squeak their way out.
Some of us eat at a very fast pace.
Then, “Happy New Year and Good Luck!” we all shout.

© January 5, 2011
Dane Smith-Johnsen

Written for the Poetry Soup Member Contest:  Good Luck Meal 
Sponsored by Russell Sivey



Details | Limerick | |

Banshee Aria's

A beauteous banshee named Moira
Prayed for an audience who’d adore her
She took some voice lessons
Made some costume concessions
And on Samhain’s eve sang an aria.


Details | Rhyme | |

War On Christmas

Factions are girding their loins for war during this Season of Peace,
In what has become a clamorous and annual national bickering piece!
Do we say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays" to those we meet?
Or do we observe the 'niceties of political correctness' and be discreet!

When the Walmart greeter says, "Happy Holidays", ain't no use to holler,
Or startle the poor old geezer and grab him by his jacket collar!
After all, he's probably been programmed and tutored in what to say!
Wish him a "Merry Christmas" if that be your bent and get on your way!

Even the booze and beer companies show proper discretion and respect,
And don't associate their products with the Season, showing disrespect.
'Twould be rather crass of them and most folks would deem taboo,
To advertise, "Celebrate Jesus' birth with an Old Milwaukee Brew!"

Nowadays, some folks deem Nativity Scenes passe and obscene,
Which in times of yore to the delight of all graced the village green.
'Tis sad that a display of an innocent Babe creates such division and hate.
After all, 'tis the birth of the Christ Child that most folks choose to celebrate!

'Twould be wonderful in this Season of love and doing good,
If all would shed their prejudices and foster brotherhood.
One might ponder this dilemma by asking,  "What would Jesus say?"
I'll bet He'd say, "No matter who you are,  Peace I leave with you this day!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

I Am Turkey

I am turkey,
hear me roar;
we stand in numbers
too great to ignore;

Please, don't take the axe,
the gun, or the knife -
we are all just trying
to live out a turkey life;

We never did anything wrong
to be cooked and sitting on your table,
we cannot understand why
you're all fascinated by the Honeysuckle label;

So, have some other Thanksgiving dinner,
it won't hurt you to try -
how about a McDonalds Big Mac
with super size french fry?


For "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" contest sponsored by Destroyer ~ Poet.


Details | Blank verse | |

promenade

The Promenade. 

Another day Sunday at the seaside resort luckily there were 
no carousels, few kids and those who were there behaved 
textbook like, with their grandparents loyally eating ice cream 
and drinking soda pops; since they were given everything they 
wanted, there were few tantrums. 

The latest trend now (for women) is to wear long, lose fitting 
flowering dresses and my wife said she still had dresses like that 
going  back forty years; she will wear one of them tomorrow. 
Grand yachts at the marina I counted three “Aston Martins” 
wondered if Prince Charles was around. Yet on the promenade 
I saw mostly pensioners who had been saving for a year to have 
this one vacation. I was the only one who murmured darkly if 
the rich had paid their taxes; but what do you expect of a man 
who wants to bring back the guillotine. 

Time has mellowed me the weather was summery I wore blazer 
and looked posh (that´s what she said) and I did my best to keep 
my stomach in. This is an enchanting time we tried not to think 
of tomorrows as we sat on a bench eating ice-cream yogurt
…it has less sugar.    


Details | I do not know? | |

Pumpkin Pie

My delight,
Taste by taste, bite by bite,
The final course which for room you save…

So many people at the table please pass !
Nose tickles, my mouth waters, finally at last!
Now for the perfect touch of whip cream…

Generously sky high
Pumpkin pie.


Details | Free verse | |

THE GRUMPY OLD SANTA CLAUSE

MEMO FROM SANTA,
THERE WILL BE NO CHRISTMAS THIS COMING SEASON..
I SUPPOSE YOU WANT TO KNOW MY WHOLE REASON.
EVERY YEAR I GET THIS CHRISTMAS LIST.
THE MORE I READ IT THE MORE IT GIVES ME FITS.
I WORK ALL YEAR MAKING CKRISTMAS TOYS FOR ALL THOSE LITTLE GIRLS
AND BOYS.   NO ONE WANTS THEM.
THEY WANT IPODS,XBOXES PLAYSTSTIONS,COMPUTERS,COMPUTER 
GAMES.  WHO THEY THINK I AM THE I.B.M?
I TRY TO MAKE CHRISTMAS BRIGHT.
THE ELVES WANT MORE MONEY,THE REINDEERS FIGHT..
RUDOLF NOW DRINKING HIS NOSE DONT GLOW.
HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO SEE WHERE TO GO?
MY SLED IS OLD NEEDS REPAIRED,
I CANT FLY THAT OLD SLED EVERYWHERE.
ON CHRISTMAS EVE IM FLYING DOGGING TREES,
CLIMBING CHIMNEYS SKINNING MY KNESS.
DOING ALL THIS, JUST TO FULFILL EVERYONE CHRISTMAS LIST.
WHEN IM FLYING OVER YOUR HOME,
PLEASE WHEN IM FLYING OVER YOUR HOME,
DONT CALL ME ON YOUR CELL PHONE
ASKING FOR ONE MORE CHRISTMAS WISH?
TO BRING YOU A SATELILITE DISH.
JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS MIGHT GET BETTER,
THE I.R.S SENDS ME A LETTER.
NOW ISNT THAT FUNNY,WHO EVER HEARD ANYONE SENDING SANTA ANY 
MONEY? THOSES MONEY MUNGERS,JERKS.
NOW YOU KNOW WHY, I FEEL LIKE SCRAPPING THE WHOLE DARN WORKS.
THEN I STARTED THINKING WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE?
IF THERE WASNT A SANTA TO PUT CHRISTMAS GIFTS UNDER YOUR
CHRISTMAS TREE..
SO PLEASE DELETE THIS MEMO FROM ME.
ILL BE THERE AGAIN ON THIS COMING CHRISTMAS EVE
SO LONG GOD BLES AND I WISH  YOU ALL A VERY,MERRY BLESSED  
CHRISTMAS.


Details | Verse | |

2008 GREETINGS

Happy New Year!  Time will tell.

What lies ahead.  Come toll the bell

Kiss your love.  Eat pork and kraut.

Sing Auld Lang Syne.  Throw troubles out.

Make resolutions.  Add the old.

Pray for peace.  God make us bold.

Happy New Year!  As the bell does call.

Ringing in,  New hope for all.


Details | Rhyme | |

ode to marshmellow peeps

Marsh mellow peeps
a wonderful treat.
Yellow pink or  blue 
 all of them stick like glue 
on easter , christmas or even halloween  
I like peeps and  pass on  jelly beans .
Some have said they can cure the common cold  
others say it reminds them of yellow slime mold  
what can I say ?
it doesnt matter to me either way 
but personally  my favorite type is
the ones you put in the microwave oven  
and watch as they  bubble, pop and  fizz   


Details | I do not know? | |

WHAT IS HOME?

WHAT IS HOME?

ROLLING HILLS ARE HOME TO ME,
PLAYING CHESS WITH FRIENDS,
DANCING ON THE WEEKEND,
WALKING IN THE WIND,
BLOWING BUBBLES.

(Reflect)

BUBBLES BLOWING WIND,
THE “IN” WALKING WEEKEND,
THE “ON” DANCING FRIENDS
WITH CHESS PLAYING ME. 
TO HOME ARE HILLS ROLLING?


Details | Rhyme | |

Fowl Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving?  Oh no!  Not again!
I meet each one with chagrin

Such rejoicing, good fun
For everyone

Well, ‘cept me … I’m the Turkey, you see.


Details | Rhyme | |

Dang Ol Faeries

 
Dang ol' faeries while I sleep,
Aroun' my bedroom they did creep,
Casting their spells here and there,
Last year found a dragon in my underwear!
 
Wouldn't have been too bad, except...;
I was wearin' them, when up they crept,
That little ol' dragon she let out a blast, 
And I arose screamin' cause she burnt my A**!
 
Dang ol' faeries they just love to dance,
A whoopin' and a hollerin' as they prance,
Then my neighbor he calls and yells at me,
'Turn down that darn tv, it is half past three!'
 
What could I tell them it's the dang ol' fae?
He'd only call those people to take me away,
At least it would be quieter in that padded cell,
But they would somehow find me even in the pit of hell!
 
Dang ol' faeries why are they pickin' on me?
I ain't even Irish as far as I can see,
I don't even have any green in my room,
But as soon as I am asleep in they zoom!
 
I wish they would just go on home,
Just scatter away and leave me alone,
Sweepin' up faerie dust in my room,
Always eats right through my new straw broom!
 
Dang ol' faeries I wish that I could,
Just cast one spell, you know that I would,
Catch them in the middle of one of their songs,
And spray them with a big ol' can of 'Faerie Begone!'
 
©Jane Richer
Mar/2011

Happy St. Patrick's Day tomarrow everyone!


Details | Rhyme | |

Why I Love Halloween

Halloween is favorite time of year,
Time to face and conquer your fears.
The ghouls and goblins come to my side,
I catch a glimpse of Frankenstein and his bride.
There are vampires about,
The werewolves raise a raucous and get loud.
The witches stir up their brew,
The grazillas gather their entire crew.
The elves are so timeless and beautiful,
And the pumpkins sure are fruitful.
The zombies arise from the dead,
And the ghosts walk among us again.
The pirates are once again sailing the high seas,
The pepper makes the chefs sneeze.
Darth Vader can conquer the Earth with his Death Star,
And we can travel back to the future in an awesome car.
Iron Man,
Can save us all again.
Captain America can save the world dressed in tights,
As creepy eyes light the night.

The Hulk can smash,
And the black cats can give you a rash.
Mike Myers can give you a thrill,
And Jason can make you scream so shrill.
Freddy can keep you awake,
While Jason keeps you from lakes.
The bats creep from their caves,
The princes always save the maves.
Romeo can wed his Juliet,
In a ceremony no one will forget.
So when you think of Halloween,
And alll it can mean...
Think of fairy- tales coming true,
And hopefully Halloween will be special for you too!


Details | Limerick | |

One Hallows Eve

Halloween spider queen, I did attend
Wig, stockings, black dress, makeup, heels, suspend
Whistles and catcalls they came.
Mystical night all the same,
I had such fun, succeeding this pretend.


Details | Monorhyme | |

My Florida Vacation

If you're trying to push your Coupe' DeVille
from Panama City to Jacksonville
You've got to journey through Gadsden County.
So you better mind your P's and Q's
if you plan on driving through
and keep both eyes wide open for the County Mounty.
'Cause Gadsden County Jail's no place to be
it's overcrowded and dirty and it smells like pee
and every dime you have will surely be taken away.
They'll impound your car and arrest your wife
the kids will all get twenty-five to life
and your family will surely rue the day
You decided to take a Florida Vacation
and you all came back sentenced to probation
just because Gadsden County was on your way.
If you're guilty or not doesn't matter with them
their bank accounts are mighty slim
and they're gonna get your money whatever it takes.
There's a booking fee just to get you in
you gotta pay for your food which is awfully thin
so friend, avoid Gadsden County for goodness sake.


Details | Limerick | |

White Pumpkin

I am NOT of the orange kind
You dare harvest ME? Take to mind!
Or I'll haunt you tonight
With my ghastly white-light
So don't carve your face in MY rind!


Details | Rhyme | |

Road trip

I was travelling to Thursford, one day in the car
And I’d followed directions I’d got in the bar
We were on Caister road, was it left was it right
It was late, we were lost we were losing the light
We spotted a policeman and asked of him “pray,
Thursford my friend, can you tell me the way”
Well, he started to chuckle, he grinned then he laughed
Said “ you’ve listened to John, you’ve been pretty daft
It’s a good forty mile, you’ve had a bum steer
It’ll take you an hour, cos it’s nowhere near here”
So Johnny, old pal, your directions are crap
And, next time I go out I’m consulting a map


Details | Free verse | |

Somebody Loves Me

Produced 50 yrs ago
My master Pravin Pant Sr.
Felt it was time for my Just Born coop to grow
So he introduced me to some other chicks
Bunnies bats cats pumpkins and
Even thought of placing some lucky stars
In for the heck of it what a day of cellabration
Now he has flipped his lid once again and took a few friends back
Had turned them into lip balms but I don't mind
For they will stay forever fresh on my lips as I speak of them
I been dropped off buildings had been steam rolled over
And each time I bounced back with zest
So please come rescue us from this crazy farmer
Place me in a warm basket or cake or even a dressed table 
For I m just a little peep looking for somebody to love



To The Peep 
In All Of Us    LOL


Details | Bio | |

School's Out.


                                         School's Out.

"Hooray,Hooray",the children say,as they all run out the gate,
All of them racing,not looking bak,not wanting to be late.
School's out,you see,and their so glad,they've waited for this time,
It's been so long,time's driffted by,and now the bell's do chime.
Scurrying,and rushing,grabbing books,bags,and pens,
Almost like a chicken farm,wild geese,and flocks of hens.
Their all so very happy,that this day has finally come,
It seem's they've waited for so long,at least I'm sure,for some.
Laughing,scurrying,yelling,running to and fro,
Typical of children,that would be right,always on the go.
Sighs,from parents,releif and despair
But from the children,not even a care.
Hollidays now,sleep in's,and stay's out,
Plenty of time,there is now,to get out and about.
Plans for week-ends,for days,through the week,
As heads get together,for suggestions,they seek.
"Oh,God",say the parents,"God,please give us strenght",
As plans,come together,at any great lenght.
"Chill",say's the parents,be strong and be brave,
Hopefully,the children,will stay good,and behave.
Such are the feelings,all thoughts,that run wild,
School's out,for the children,Oh,God,please bless the child.

By Sharon.L.Leonard.  8th,November,2007.


Details | Name | |

GINGERBREAD MAN

G- gingerbread man run as fast as you can
I-  if I ever see you again I'll cook you in my pan
N- next I will nibble all about 
G- getting you will be easy, with out a doubt
E- ever consider someone might eat your eyes out
R- red jelly eyes I wonder what flavor they are
B- buttons on your belly might be tart
R- run away from me now that eating may be an art
E- ever think about how it delicious candy clothing may be
A- average American snacking, just like me
D- down the hatch is what you'll be

M- morning, noon or supper for eating you up I'll be the man
A- after I eat you I'll wipe out the pan
N- now I am going to eat you, come here Gingerbread Man   


Details | Personification | |

Funny How Thins Go


      -------

I know that I am
Not a Turkey
I have said this
Once before
     -----
Hope to make it
Threw Christmas
And not just end up
At the foot of some-ones'
      -Door-
     -----
I know that there is truth
      And of this...
I wil not be forsaken
    But, above all else
I hope not to be mistaken

           GF

****Note:*****
Something real Turkey might say....
There is a little Turkey in all of us.....


Details | Free verse | |

Single Awareness Day

Let's just start
with five words:
I hate February the fourteenth.

I hate it
With a passion

Just a couple
reasons why

I have never gotten a valentine
I have never liked pink
or red
or hearts

But I don't care too much
because Valentine's day
is just superficial

A holiday that just makes people
feel bad about themselves
and buy lots of chocolates
and flowers

But honestly
it's just depressing
to see all of the people
who have flowers and love letters

Especially when
I have nothing

But maybe this Valentine's day
will be different
not that I care

But maybe just this once
I could have somebody love me
even if Valentine's day
is better known as
Single Awareness Day


Details | Rhyme | |

Watch the Snow

Sing to music of Deck the Halls




Watch the snow for big dog poopie
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
So unsightly, in a groupie
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Look down now for those big accrue.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Roam your eyeballs, just before you.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Watch the russet pile before us.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Step up high and join the chorus.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Jumping up in measured sections
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
While they laugh with such infections
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh


Go before the new snow covers
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Brave the old pass, as light hovers.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Yell for joy now we made it home.
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh
Never mind now, just a poem
Ugh -ugh -ugh-ugh-ugh ugh -ugh-ugh -ugh


Details | Free verse | |

"Holiday Hell"

Bells will be ringing
Blaring inside my head
Another Christmas is upon us
Welcome's a Holiday Hell

In stores for hours looking for that special gift
Everything's picked over, knowing you should of started in September
In line for another hour
Surrounded by people who act like they have the holiday cheer

Snot nose children are crying
Wanting things they don't need
Parents last nerves are pinched
No money in wallets, craving a stiff drink

Ungrateful family members
Gather around and b*tch
Look at the presents you bought them
With disdain and that look "Exchange or money back."

Bells are still ringing
Pounding inside my head
Christmas is definitely here
Everyone welcome the Holiday Hell.


Details | Rhyme | |

Ferrumergophobia

Some people are scared of spiders,
Others are scared of lightning,
But to me, it somehow seems,
My boyfriend is scared of the ironing.

The heat from the iron’s hot plate,
Cause beads to form on his head
And the thought of folding all those clothes,
Clearly fills him with dread.

I sometimes think it would be nice,
If he’d give his own pants a press,
But his cheeks drain at the sight of the board,
And it isn’t worth the stress.

And I love my boyfriend,
And so I choose not to mither,
And end up doing the ironing myself,
(He’s not keen on the hoovering either!)

Maybe perhaps for All Hallows Eve,
I’ll scare my boyfriend to pieces,
By adorning the house with crumpled clothes,
And leave him to remove the creases!


Details | I do not know? | |

Mash Mash Mash

I mash my potatos Mash mash mash Salt and pepper play As the milk mingles with the butter I twirl my fork to make a swirl in the creamy mixture Mash mash mash Taste so good These mashed potatos Hot garlic running inside Playing hide and seek With the fried skins of paradise I love mashed potatos Mash mash mash


Details | Free verse | |

Fat Santa Equals Happy Santa

3:00 a.m. who can this be?
I walk down the corrider
and my eyes are drawn to the chimney

3:02 a.m. and what do I see?
American obesity covered in red
What a wonderful present, santa dead

3:03 a.m. how did we let this happen?
By injecting cookie dough syringes in milk
I wonder does Rudolph and the other eight keep laughing

3:04 a.m. you fat bastard where is my nitebrite?
Oh! apparently in your stomach
And it's 22 years past that fateful night

That at 3:05 a.m. my Christmas dreams collapsed
You we're too busy snacking on my gifts
To feel my little girl taps

So at 3:06 a.m. I gave it up
Brought out some more cookies, you  fat bastard!
And of course I'll refill your milk jug

3;07 a.m. I waved goodbye and said a prayer
Hoping that if there's a God up there
You won't get stuck in the air

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Oh! and here goes some extra ho-ho's for the road


 


Details | Couplet | |

Love Poem....'tis The Season...

You build me up when I am broke
  You give me freedom then you choke....
I feel so rich....(though) the feelings fake
  You give and give and then you take 
You are my savior and my demise
  as I surrender to your plastic eyes.....

This is the season perfect for you 
  as I carress you, calculating and new
Tender and consuming, your thoughts impart 
  As I hold you close, and near to my heart
Why is life with and without you so hard
  You rob me blind, oh, Sweet Mastercard!


Details | I do not know? | |

Halloween Night

Halloween Night 8/25/12

Night is coming fast,
I really want this night to last,
Halloween...Halloween,

Ghost, ghouls, muppets, angels,
Little witches practicing their spells,
Halloween...Halloween,

Graveyards appear off roads,
Cobwebs string along lumpy toads,
Halloween, Halloween,

Fog comes from no where,
Frankenstein and Dracula want your blood,
What, are you scared?
It's Halloween, the dead emerge, runnnnnnnn

Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels come hand in hand,
The show with Ray Charles with Zombie Winehouse in high demand,
Audience drinks mugs of tropical blood,
Werewolf from Paris flies in to make life undone,
Dario Argento takes notes for cool effects,
He sits away from the demons, of all, he knows them best.

For those stuck at home,
Pass out candy to a few drones,
Tinkerbell blesses you with glitter,
Mary Poppins has to mark this moment on twitter,
Jason would rather just cut your throat,
So be nice, give him the basket, try not to choke,
The Crazy 88s are Halloween neighborhood watch,
Looks like Andre the Giant just kicked one in the crotch,

It's midnight now, the carriage now a pumpkin,
Prince is mad, no kiss tonight, skins a lump again,
Concert was a success,
Candy is gone, no more stress,
Scared to sleep now, the best comes during rest....


Details | Quatrain | |

WILL THAT BE RAPER OR DRASTIC

              WILL THAT BE RAPEPERHAPS HE’LL FIND THE PLASTIC MILK JUG WE THREW AWAY
                                       TODAY
My wife demanded “come on and take this car and park it”
Oh heavens, wifey poo, what happens if we’re late for the market?
I really didn’t want any more loud conversation and neither did she
And to see if I was close enough to the curb she actually measured it accurately

So we go through the islands of rising prices
And the snack aisle was arranged by a demon’s devices,
We passed cookies and cakes, bread and bottled water
And of course condoms for our sixteen year old daughter

Our daughter is hyper-concerned with what we purchased today
She checks out the products and what the ingredients say
While little Billy is acting silly on isle six because that’s what children do
And he gets Fruit Loops or he’ll  hold his breath until his face turns blue

My little girl said “this one is made of glass, and this one is made of plastic| 
Dad, please tell Billy to be quiet because the situation is drastic
Glass can be recycled but plastic will be here for my great grandson to find 
so we brought a cloth bag because recycling should be in every heart and mind
     © 2011.…Phreepoetree ~free cee!~
Please help me save this puny planet that pathetic people are pissing or puking upon purposefully in good shape for Mr. Travis Ian


Details | Rhyme | |

LETTING IT OUT WITH A JOYFUL SCREAM

Just being healthy, happy, grateful and alive...
makes me want to let it out with pride:
it's a joyful scream deafening my ear:
welcoming, without restraint, the New Year! 


Which merry song do you have in mind?
Come nearer and hum it with hope inside...
forgetting the troubles, hardships and lost dreams of old,
delight in the gleeful feeling....even braving the bitter cold!


It's five minutes to midnight as the festive crowds swing
under the huge ball of thousand lights that keeps shining...
overwhelming the spectators that deeply sigh,
somewhat a little nostalgic to leave all behind! 


Let's finally pop the champagne' loud cork
under snowflakes and dazzling delights
of glittering decorations and delirious smiles,
but where's found another city like New York?




Details | Rhyme | |

TPed

Some little bastards TPed my house and my yard.
I put them over my Knees and spanked them hard.
They ran home and told their moms and pops.
Thirty minutes later I was arrested by some cops.

I spent Halloween night behind bars.
Those kids returned and egged my car.
They also left a flaming bag of poop at my door.
They vandalised my house but at least their butts were sore.

(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)


Details | Terza Rima | |

THE UPPER HAND

On Halloween's scary night, I trust no friend,
when lots of witches and spirits loom...
to let all the rascals have the upper hand!


I could dress just like Robin Hood,
but the elves and the grisly bears
wouldn't like it...so I dress as a dragon! 


Others kids strangely stare and laugh saying,
" You look so goofy in that old costume...
take if off, or we'll ask some witch to hit you with a broom!"


And eggs go flying like flying saucers
over my stuffed and dizzy head; they crack
and drip...oh, what an awful taste!


I'm very convinced by their mischievous acts...
that the little brats have gotten the upper hand;
and what kind of trick could I use and still pretend?


My pockets are loaded with shaving cream cans,
I will spray them all over their painted faces,
and make fun of them...how silly they will feel!  


Entered in Carol's Brown Halooween Contest, " Funny Spooks "


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Rhyme | |

Retail Christmas

It's two weeks till Christmas
And the store is a zoo.
The customers are grumpy
And I guess we are too.

Whatever they're after 
Has already been sold.
If all the tinsels silver,
You can bet they want gold.

The cashiers are all working
As fast as they can.
Would serve the shoppers right
If we just up and ran.

In retail it's hectic
This time of the year
So no matter what happens
Don't let them see fear.

The one day we're closed
Will be Christmas Day
And we've all asked Santa
For an increase in pay.


Details | Rhyme | |

THREE DOLLAR DEWEYS

HOW

“THREE DOLLAR DEWEYS”

GOT ITS’ NAME
(redux)


We’ve been watching you reading our sign,
know what your thinking, what an unusual line.

Come on in, you’ll have a wonderful time.
Tell you a story and won’t take your last dime.

Legend has it that Dewey dropped in here,
looking for a lot more than a sandwich and beer.

A “Honky-Tonk Woman” worked her way to the old Port from Nantucket.
The money she earned, she put in her bucket.

She sold it on Commercial St. without any fear.
Meeting men at its’ intersection with Union, a perfectly named location, I hear.

Along came Dewey and asked for the price.
Normally it’s a buck but for you Dewey, it’s one times thrice.

Dewey scowled with some obvious distain.
That is until offered this sensible economic refrain.

Dewey, you won’t think the price is too high,
just let me put my hands in your fly.

Forget about everything except your own stimulation.
Money means nothing when it comes to inflation.

Plus, you’re going to be so ecstatic,
after you take me to that attic.

Folks’ let’s remember Dewey wasn’t looking for a bride,
but damn glad he paid those three bucks, for a “TICKET TO RIDE!”

The woman and bucket went back to Nantucket they say,
leaving Dewey thinking, I might as well stay.

He bought the whole corner by selling forty different beers and ale.
Next came the food and tourists, according to the tale.

Let’s end this ditty and come straight to the point.
That’s the way it came about, the naming of this joint.



*** During lunch on a tour of New England, the director challenged us to find out how this 
bar in the seaport of Portland Maine got its' name. I said I would do him one better, I would 
bring in the "Beatles and Stones." The Bar, Name, Location, Reasons are factual, perhaps 
some have been there.


Details | Light Poetry | |

WINK

this is not kink
when i drink
i always think
my eyes sink
you can seeme
WINK


Details | Rhyme | |

Soap Sally

Don’t go near the smoke house,
For Soap Sally lives in there,
She will sneak up from behind you,
And grab you without a care.

Then tie you up,
String you from the rafters,
Then slowly stir her lye,
Waiting for just the right time,
She loves to hear you cry.

Hotter and hotter her soap does get,
Boiling to just the right point,
To make the best soap yet,
Head first she will anoint.

Then stir you up and boil your innards,
Don’t think this is a joke,
Search around to find your gizzards,
Your spirit she wants to evoke.

Bring back your spirit,
Cause now you are gone,
She just, will not quit,
Your life has been foregone.

So when you are walking near the smoke house,
Be leery of what goes on,
Tip toe around,
Be quiet as a mouse,
Maybe, you’ll make it back home.


Details | Rhyme | |

Corduroy Day

It’s Corduroy Awareness Day,
So let us be aware.
If you’ve no pants of corduroy,
Well – get yourself a pair!

This date was chosen just because
It looks like corduroy.
I’m sure that cynics might suspect
That reason is a ploy.

Perhaps it is, but that’s no cause
For wearers to curtail
The donning of some corduroy
With thin or thicker wale.

Eleven tripled comes but once
While we are still alive,
So on this date it would be great
If everyone would strive

To sport a bit of corduroy – 
A jacket, shirt or pants
To celebrate this special time – 
Today’s your one-time chance!


Details | Rhyme | |

Trick or Treat

I went to buy Halloween candy;
The choices weren’t really the best.
I figured I might as well buy what I like,
‘Cause I would get stuck with the rest.

Last year I had no trick-or-treaters.
My Kit-Kats and Mounds bars sat waiting;
And each time I saw them I scarfed several down,
The calories accumulating.

I should have just bought treats I hated,
Then tossed them when nobody showed;
But childhood advice gave me warning
That I’d violate some kind of code.

So today when I stocked up on candy,
I chose all my favorites they sell;
And I promise I’ll wait to unwrap them
‘Til I’m sure no one’s ringing my bell!


Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
To all that who knock
But I won't answer the door
Till the face on this clock

Says tomorrow, tomorrow
And Christmas has passed
And I can sigh a relief
To this pain in the ass

So thanks for your time
And your Christmas good cheer
But what I need most is perfectly clear

Some peace and some quiet
Is all that I ask
So don't be like Christmas
A pain in the ass


Details | Free verse | |

A Summer Road Trip

Road Trip

Always when it's hot and 
my brow is dripping with sweat,
only then is it time for a summer road trip.

My tires hit the pavement, 
every so often I stop to make a
pit stop and out of a huge cup 
of iced lemonade I take a sip.

When I stop at Denny's or at 
an all night diner when I'm 
finished with my supper, 
I have to leave the red helmet
haired waitress a big tip.

Pulling over to pay a toll 
every few miles is such a rip!

Sometimes while you're on your road trip,
you find yourself arguing with your shotgun 
partner because they give you too much iip.

After a while from being cooped up for too long
and drinking too many RedBulls, I get feisty
and then I feel like cracking my whip!

Then my boyfriend road partner and I pull over to get
a motel room, where my skinny jeans can unzip.

Staying home is comfy and fun, 
but sometimes an exciting summer
road trip is just the spicy thing
you need to liven your life up
a bit!


Details | Ballad | |

SANTA'S NEW CHRISTMAS DANCE

Verse I

Don't ask for presents
and check your stockings
hanging by the fire place where the log crackles;
you are in for a big surprise this quite evening:
kids, dance with Santa on snowy Christmas's Eve...
put on the best smile and hear the reindeer's bells!

Chorus:

Kids, dance with Santa and swing your legs and arms 'till you fall;
jump up, go around once, stop, jump up, go around twice,
until his tired feet ache and you laugh at his funny groans! 
Get the hang of it, dance with him he's so nice...
hold on, stay on the dance floor...see Santa's belly bounce! 
Kids, dance with Santa and sing a lovely carol!

Verse II

Don't complain like grouches, and tell him he's another chubby Grinch;
he is a different kind of Santa...he doesn't bring any expensive gifts!
Oh, no Santa is not stingy, just the oldest messenger of good cheers; 
you may be disappointed a lot, but please don't tarnish his image!
He came here to teach you the new Christmas dance with rhythm;
watch his steps and learn to dance within the allowed range! 

Ending:
 
I don't like those long faces, kids dance with Santa on this Christmas Eve;
you'll forget about your presents expectations...you wouldn't want to leave!

Entered in Deborah Guzzi's Holiday Songs In Poetry Form. Style: Moderate Rock Ballad.
I will set my song to music and publish it next year. I doesn't have a melody to be sung
to.   
 
Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Rhyme | |

The Christmas Letter, dedicated to my mother

I thought I would have, all my cards in the mail
You can tell that my pace, is that of a snail
I’m such a “go getter” and I hate sitting still
One things’ for certain, I haven’t lost my will.

All the testing, the blood work, x-rays and more
Thank goodness the lab, has a revolving door.
I’m covered in bruises, from head to my toes,
I say it’s ‘cuz, I punched a guy in the nose.

This pill, and that pill, it is hard to keep track
Is this for my stomach, my eyes or my back?
All of my treatments, are a thing of the past
I don’t have to see doctors, I’m free at last.

Believe it or not, hubby’s quite a good cook
And he doesn’t follow, a recipe book.
I’ve had to scold him every once in a while
“Please don’t leave that clean laundry, sit in that pile”.

He vacuums, does laundry and even does chores
Fixes washers, dryers and paints all the doors
He’ll relax in his chair, and he snores quite fast
When he gets loud, I’ll turn the TV full blast.

I have to admit, that it’s funny to see
Looking out that window, as he trims the tree.
I still try to figure, why men can’t “just trim”
NO, they hack, saw, and pull and leave just a limb.

The Grandchildren are growing, fast every day
Time passes quickly, which is scary to say.
Thank goodness for family, and friends such as you
May all of your dreams, and wishes come true.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR


Details | I do not know? | |

Happy Birthday ENTERTAINMENT PROMOTER

Happy Birthday GROVE STREET E-N-T"

To the "ENTERTAINMENT PROMOTER"
with the most~
"Quid pro quo per buck"
let me say ~
happy happy birthday to you ~
i lift up my glass with a~
"lyricvixen LYRICAL Toast"
just as "PARTIES HOSTING FUN"
and "VIP Clientèle HOT"
as to say to you ~
i hope you have a ~
happy happy birthday~
that only a
"COMPLEX MONEY MAKER"
like you can do ~
happy happy birthday ~
to a
"INDEPENDENT INFLUENTIAL PROMOTERS"
as "NOTABLY FLY"
and "EXCLUSIVELY hot"
as "GROVE STREET E-N-T You"

aka:lyricvixen
-------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Happy birthday Tati"

To the "PRETTIEST GIRL AROUND"
with the most~
"PREFECT SMILE"
let me say ~
happy happy birthday to you ~
i lift up my glass with a~
"LYRICAL Toast"
just as "BUEATFULLY BRIGHT"
and "ALWAYS SEXY"
as to say to you ~
I hope you have a ~
happy happy birthday~
that only a
"GIRL IN A PINK Bi·ki·ni"
like you can do ~
happy happy birthday ~
to a "WONDERFUL GAL"
as "HOT-O-licious"
and "SWEETLY FRIENDLY"
as "Tati, GOOD GIRL YOU"

aka:lyricvixen


Details | Free verse | |

Childhood Dreams

Holly...bright lights...smell of christmas pie-
Christmas tree and presents my..oh..my!
I must get to sleep...he will be here soon-
Silver bells, cotton tails cows over the moon.
Wait! That's not Santa..he has a big red sleigh!
Fastest reindeer in town, Rudolph leads the way.

Here come the carolers.."Oh joy to the world"-
Merry Christmas to every one, boy and girl!
I must leave his cookies, by the tree on a plate-
He'll be here soon to see me I simply can't wait!
Silver bells, cotton tails cows over the moon-
I must get to sleep...he will be here soon.!!


Details | Free verse | |

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation

I chopped and hoed and planted seed
... dug a swimming hole
I picked and shucked and canned the corn
.... killed an ugly mole..
I read some books then read some more..
.... climbed up the old pine trees
I fell right down and hit the ground
.... Skinning both my knees.... 
I played a song .. and danced a spell 
... on Grandma's metal drum
and though she tried to look away
...  I heard my sister hum..
Now that  it's time for back to School..
..  I hate to hear them say..
Now write some words that tell us how
...you spent the holiday!
 


Details | Rhyme | |

Hmmm....

Hmmm... 

'08 I hate and disregard, as we bring in a new year;

'09 should be fine, and  I have plans; to shift into a new gear.

Excuse my bitchin and whinin, but this last year was a bust;

Plans of change I've made them, and this year their  a must.

No self pitty, no procrastination, no bitchin that life ain't fair;

I'm gettin on the positive wagon; and I hope to see you all there.

Father time has been a friend to me but, even he can grow weary;

We best do what we want in life, cause time goes by quickly deary.

Life is all about livin, it's out there and I'm gonna grab it;

'09 will find me jammin, cause im gittin all I can Git !


Details | Free verse | |

A ST PATS DAY


He said to the snake,
"Begone legless lizard."
Upon which it left,
And went and grew some legs.


Details | Sestina | |

Spooky Night


Oh me Oh My a ghost
no ship but  I see coming a pirate
their breath the scent of candy
away they scramble with frightening cries
Look across the moon flies a witch
and dangled from it's web a spider!


a huge black and spotted spider
watch as it wiggles towards the ghost
swatted now by the broom of the littlest witch
gobbled down by the skinny pirate
way down in the swamp an animal cries
here all the cries are for candy


bowls and caldrons filled with candy
webs hanging low  wove by  a fat plastic spider.
oh No a  pink clad princess cries
to a hangman and a  green ghost
Run away screams the pirate
as from the darkness flies a blonde witch


she's skinny for a witch
we should stuff her with candy
we could sell her to the pirate
or feed her to the spider
give her to me moans the ghost
we laugh at her cries

we cackle at the echo of her cries
we admire the warted nose of the witch
what a pitiful ghost
begging for more candy
trembling before the huge spider
holding tight to the hand of his sister pirate


Pirate after treasureless Pirate
all afraid of the haunting cries
squatting low under the web tangled spider
keeping their eye on the witch
clutching their sacks and buckets of candy
daringly unafraid of the ghost

This years best was a Pirate, the scariest was a witch
our ears ached with the cries for more and more candy
Till the only spooks beneath the spider on our porch, was our own little ghost.


Details | Acrostic | |

oldman

once there was an old man on a lane
he always had many cats
then he took a train
and went down another lane


Details | Light Poetry | |

A Gravitational Pull

Stone upon the water front/
Next to the cashmere pillow,
The pier near the gallow shore/
A man began to speak,

Within this land there shall be no way out accept I tax,
This gravitational pull may bring some down,
Yet if you stay and listen very carefully/
You will live through this time and be very happy !

Many of you have become lazy in the manner of laws,
A decree will be summoned to let us know/
The waiting may be hard to comprehend,
Yet within time you can grow to depend/

The fat of the land,
Let this man take you by the hand/
There can be no further excuses or escape,
The way will depend upon the hearer's !


Details | I do not know? | |

My Holiday

The Holiday is almost here because:
I hear the sound of bells ringing for needy kids.
Listen at the tussle and bussle in crowded malls.
People cussing and fussing about their so called in-laws.
While the kids is a pouting about their letters to Santa Claus.
The family is decorating our tree with old fruit looms oops... I meant heirlooms.
So lets break out the eggnog to toast the decking of halls in our home.
With granny in the kitchen baking a yule-tide-log.
Look out here comes the so called in-laws.
Carrying the same old fruit cake we gave them last  year.
Put on a smile and open the door to wish them Happy Holidays with gritting teeth.
As I thank the in-laws for the fruit cake that I take straight to toss out the back door.
Lets sit down to the table to eat our Holiday feast that I slaved on all week.
Over to the tree we go to exchange gifts that we really don't want because its 
something we'll never use.
To your family from ours we wish you Happy Holidays even though were looney 
as hell.


Details | Rhyme | |

World Naked Gardening Day

I am not making any of this up.  It is a real and recognized 'holiday' all around the 
world if not in your hometown just yet.  It was reported on in the USA Today 
newspaper just this morning.  

 
What’s this world coming to
I read it just today
They’re promoting naked gardening
On the 14th day of May
It started back in 05
But has spread around the world
It’s all about the great outdoors
And doing it unfurled
It celebrates the weeding
Planting flowers in the buff
And trimming more than hedges
As if that’s not enough
It’s soaking up the sunshine
Big doses of vitamin D
And trimming trees and bushes
For everyone to see
It’s best to warn your neighbors
Or to work behind a fence
It’s not for the faint-hearted
But for those with confidence
But take it slow and steady
Don’t get in a big rush
Be sure to use some sunscreen
Or your cheeks will surely blush
If you’re handling a tool
Be careful of its edge
If your neighbor also gardens
Don’t linger near her hedge
Beware of poison ivy
Watch out for poison oak
Be careful what you pull on
Be careful what you poke
Come on – join the movement
The sun will do you good
You can beautify your own yard
Or your whole neighborhood
So now you know the story
I’ve laid the gauntlet down
It started in Seattle
You can bring it to your town
And all your friends and neighbors
Will stop – and then who knows
Maybe they will join you
(Be wary then of those!)


Details | I do not know? | |

40+ Santa

Merry Christmas my siblings
Now
Let's talk about happy stuff
family dysfunction and 
....... dysfunction
Let's sit around a nonexistant fire
Let's laugh and tell on each other
Let's try to be the better child
Let's argue and seek attention 
Let's act like we're completely wild
Let's make everyone uncomfortable
And that includes ourselves
I'm oldest so I'll be Santa
and you can be my elves


Details | Bio | |

You're Going To Get A Good Whoopin Now

there was 
a naughty girl
and a naughty 
girl was she
for nothing 
would she do
but peek at 
christmas gifts
with glee
she would
look for name
like was a game
still curious
and bound
little pokes
in presents
were found
now she
had to
grabbed tape
oops late
in came mom
caught 
without sound
she laughed
I cried
said sorry
gift taken
from thee
how dad
did
spank me



Happy Holidays To All
Love Kathy & Jenny

Entry For Brian Strand's 
Bio Christmas Parlour Poetry Contest
GL All


Details | Free verse | |

Tony

First comes the line,

Then comes the sinker/
Dealing with Tony is like dealing with a real stinker !
It's so not what you know,
Rather, in many circles it's who you blow !
Out cooking the books with Tone/
He'll be your best bet for gathering and taken in on a loan,
The pool shark Jones had just left the premises !

Cooking the books now for Tone !

Mr. Jones was sleeping nice out around the Mrs./
At one time he thought he was some contender,

Pressed for questions,
There initial approach was all wrong/
Out there painting the town then sleeping nice next to the fishes,
Couldn't pay that last dinner tab ?
Now there staying late at Sally's cleaning all those dishes !
Loose lips sinks ships/
They still may be tripping with Rosie The Derivator ?

Hence, the given line is being drawn in the sand/
Yet to much afraid to stick it to the man ?
Within time their comes a bit of pain/
Like not having you in my arms is driving me insane !
Two Kanuck's came back from Jersey Shore/
One knew Tone,
While the other was sleeping around with a two bit whore !
He was only half Sicillian ?
Tone took in the first/
The second went away for a ride with Tone !

On a very long ride !

Yet is they really knew Tone,
Loves to cook the books on the side !
Just like he likes his greasy french fries/
The mob still rules !
We have no reason by which to run away and hide !
You can fully trust them cause their family.


Details | Rhyme | |

Ho Ho Ho

Go to sleep 
Go to sleep
My little ones

Or Santa
Just won't come


For he knows when you are awake
For He knows when you are asleep

Close your weary eyes now
And I'll go take a little peek


Tap Tap Tap
Upon the roof

It's santa coming 
For I hear reindeer's hoofs

Hush Hush now
Don't say a word

Better hurry 
And fall fast to sleep
Or he just may leave you a big turd

Let sugar plums
Dance in those pertty little heads

As I made sure
Santa was nice and fead

Cookies and milk
With nothing else

Oh thank you my dear Lord
For this nice little cord

For they are fast to sleep
Now I can go back to bed
And count my own lost sheep



























Details | Burlesque | |

The Gift

Ted went to the crowded mall and braved the hustle and bustle,
to find the perfect gift to fit his best friend he called Russell.
Russell then received his present on office party day.
But saw a depressed coworker, and gave his present to Jane.
Jane was taken by surprise and almost opened it there.
-but instead she chose to share the spirit and gave it to Claire.
Claire's car had too many boxes to fit another inside,
and so she offered this package to her roommate Clyde.
Clyde had little money left and one more on his list,
So he passed it on and watched as it was opened up by Kit.
Kit said it was thoughtful, but knew who would like it best,
-So she rewrapped it and Christmas morning, 
gave it to her fiancée...

Ted.


Details | Couplet | |

The First Snow Fell {The First Noel}

The first snow fell all angelic and white
We built us a fort full of snowballs to fight

The mailman rounded the corner much to his surprise
Two big fat snowballs dotted both of his eyes

The policeman was summoned all dressed up in blue
We got scared and decided we should just snowball him too

His face was beat red as he filed his report
Stomping all our snowballs and tearing down our fort

Then he led us back home had us each by the ear
Where up on the porch sat uncle Joe with a beer

The policeman told Uncle Joe he would lock us away
Uncle Joe stepped off the porch and made night of his day

Now here we sit in juvy and uncle Joe he is in jail
I reckon I’ll write Santa ask if he can post our bail

Or maybe send his reindeer to crash right through the roof
So we could fly up out of here, upon the golden hoof

If another snow falls all angelic and white
I’ll build me a snowman but l won't snowball fight


I can't seem to bring the contest up so I hope
I did this right. This carol is done to the beat 
of "The First Noel"


Details | Rhyme | |

Remember it's November, then it's December



    “ Remember it's November, then it’s December”

Old Tom was a fellow; who carried some weight;
It’s the first thing you noticed; by the style of his gait.
   He talked to the women; he talked to the men;
   He told all his stories; again and again.
Back in the old days; he claimed he could fly;
But you could tell he’s too heavy; by the size of his thighs.
   The widow Mrs. Ball; complained and she muttered;
   While eating her corn meal; deep fried and buttered..
She lost her good husband; to the pick of the draw;
She hated the choosers; she hated them all.
   A state of confusion; was causing a mess;
   Someone was going; but who they can’t guess.
The guys and the ladies; were counting the days;
It now was November; and life was a haze.
   There on the ranches; and out on the farms;
   The demon comes dancing; with death in his arms.
Living in fear; it’s no way of living;
And the worst of it all; is they called it Thanksgiving.
   Life as a turkey; you eat till you die;
   Then you’re served up for dinner; with hot apple pie.

   
   


Details | Rhyme | |

Improve Your Aim

I think Cupid must be missing his target.
Desirable women appear to be harder to get.
Little guy, after you draw back your bow,
the arrow must travel straight when you let it go.
There, you have missed another one for me.
Why has this been posing you some difficulty?
Do you require additional lessons in archery?
Take all of your arrows and shoot them through the air.
Let that cute one over there know that I care.
Hit a bull’s eye over there for me.
If not, I will have to go to E-Harmony.



Details | Free verse | |

Broken Promises of This Year

Hello New Year
I heard you'd be comin soon
At midnight I waited 
Standing under the sparkles and gleamers of hope
Counting down the mistakes of 2011 
Counting up the calories of a resolution
Better luck next time 2013
Here's to you weight watchers
I guess I didn't do so good just watching


Details | Iambic Pentameter | |

God Help Ye Weary Gentleman, Let Nothing You Dismay


A Partridge perched upon a tree
entices him to throw something!
When songbirds sing and flap their wings  
two turtle doves, cause headache pain.
Those mocking words, thread-worn with wear.
 remind him of the dollars spent.
Defeat caves in, ... the thought of debt!

He bends his head to shield his face,
and steps upon the curb, to brace
against the mob, against the throng,
against long lines in shopping malls 

He watches herds with purses out,
who attack the narrow aisles and park.
Chagrins at purpose, poised, embarked
They're mad! They charge like Joans of Arc!

No one pays him time of day
He feels the sting of frostbit cheer
and leans beneath the canopy
The sales are lit, with half-price tease 
and gaggled geese attack with glee!

Pure instinct guides, their goal is keen
Gifts supreme, they seek and find!
He wonders, as they claim their prize,
if what they buy, and dollars leaked
will gratify their kin, divined?

With weighty burdens in their hands
and dollars spent from sun to sun,
he waits until his wife is done.
This madness took her far away
within the glass enclosed array
of Jingle Bells and money spilled,
of trinkets, socks and Visa bills

His feet are sore, a wrinkled coat, 
unruly hair,...  it glistens now,
With cheeks of red, he steels his breath.
Forefathers did, before their death!

Entrenched in snow beneath his feet,
his stomach growls,  he begs to quit
He watches from the window glass.
A check-out line!!            She's close!!!    ......   At last!!
She's almost done, her purchase won!!

She grins as if she's fetched the best!
The smile she wears, he catches fast 
And makes it worth the weary quest!                               


Details | Blank verse | |

jester

The Jester

This not my poem, just what someone said 
on TV. I merely wrote it down, a comedian 
spoke about sex, come to think of it
the joke wasn´t very funny so I decided to 
ignore it. It´s hard to be a funny man, some
of them try so, hard too nervous to stand 
still prancing about telling a stream of 
humorous thing end innuendos that are 
embarrassing and the public laugh and clap.
It is ok to be gay if you´re a comedian, flailing 
arms about and walk funny, and the public
laugh and applaud… I met a comedian once 
in a bar, he was trying to sell time shares and
could not stop telling jokes. When I went for 
a slash – Oskar you are vulgar- he followed me
into the loo a never ending stream of jokes,
mostly about people who buy time shares. 
He followed me outside had three dogs in his
car and offered me one. Next time I saw him
he was trying to sell expensive motor boats,
he had gone temporary, wore suit and tie,
didn´t recognize me, looked at me with sad 
eyes… no point telling jokes today. The joke 
I heard on telly, sorry I have forgotten it now. 


Details | Acrostic | |

HAPPY CLUB

Hurry handsome guys and pretty gals
Another year cheerfully arrives
Proper attire is a must
Paul's tuxedo is not black
Yolanda seems angry and upset
Harry spilled vodka on her dress
" Old man, stop " the sexy Spanish lady said
Larry's face turned deep red
Irene laughed so did silly Fred  
Daniel knew why he was afraid
Annie told him he messed with her head
Year after year " Old Lang Syne " is sung
Sobriety is not allowed in this happy club


Details | Rhyme | |

Witchs Brew

Eye of newt, wart of toad, 
tongue of snake, wing of bat,
 whisker of cat, dragons’ blood…

Mix together what you have
a witch’s brew…

Casting a spell on one who has
 harmed you…

Or to rid someone who brings you 
despair…

A witch’s brew is whatever you
 want it to be…

Be careful, for it may,
 just backfire on you…

By Sandra Lea Hoban
©2009


Details | Rhyme | |

Halloween's Postponed

You’ll never guess what they have done;
Politics went and moved the fun!
Ghosts, Ghouls, and Goblins please take note;
you won’t be prowling in a boat.
Kings and queens do not be dismayed,
there’ll be no rubbish to evade.
Heroes and villains hold your fights;
you’ll show off in just a few nights.
Assorted creatures, patience please,
there will be time to trick and tease.
Just a bit to clean Sandy’s mess,
then we’ll celebrate in excess.


Details | Rhyme | |

T'was The Night Of Thanksgiving

(Humorous silly holiday poem)


T'was the night of Thanksgiving,and I couldn't just fall asleep
I tried everything I knew,even trying to count  some dumb sheep,
But nothing happened and I was getting more angry and mad at myself,
The leftovers were still on my mind and my stomach went just bleat!

I jumped over my bed and I raced to the door with all my power and might,
And right in the kitchen I landed,where some food was still on sight,
My heart beat it so fast like a train gone bad,when I saw all the turkey leftover galore,
White and dark meat were waiting there just for me, to my profounded delight!

There was cranberry sauce,apple pie and the most wonderfully sweet, pumpkin pie!
My heart aglowed and my mouth watered all over in front of all this sight,
For there I saw some chocolate pudding just sitting upon  a tray,
So I gobbled and gobbled, till I thought I couldn't see another new day!

I felt myself swelling up all the sudden, right to the size of the house!
Then I heard this  terrible noise,and I've just burst and rip off my blouse!
As I went off straight to the ceiling like a Speeding Gonzalez balloon!
I felt again so sick and so big as I went flying right past the face of the moon

But I still managed to YEEELLL to everyone in the whole town,
Happy Thanksgiving to you all!and pass me all your chocolate PUDDING! Please!

LOL

 

Dorian Petersen Potter
aka laydp2000
copyright@2005-2008


November,27,2008


Details | Rhyme | |

The Bloodiest Vampire

The bloodiest vampire Doesn’t live very far I can hear his scream Every morning it seems He stays out late And doesn’t quite make His way back to his lair To only evaporate in despair
Russell Sivey


Details | Light Poetry | |

Got Turkey

Turkey
    Let's See

        Gobble
            Wobble

               Get Stuffed
                    That's Rough

                           Gizzards
                               The Squirts

                                     Wishbone
                                         Hell Zone
                                                Pure Heart
                                                      Boiled Tart

                                                          Legs   Breast
                                                                Just   Test
                                                                                                                       
                                                                    Thighs Wing
                                                                          Just Sing
                                                                                     
                                                                                   Choke Neck
                                                                                          Yes Heck
                                                                                                                           
                                                                                                 Got Tom
                                                                                                      He's Bomb





Tribute To
Thankgiving
 And To
BUTTERBALL TURKEYS LOL


Also Entry For
Donna Golden's
Turkey Tribute
GL All


Details | Rhyme | |

Poisons

Witches and warlocks gather around, 
will give you a list of poisons abound…

Arsenic, Hemlock, Belladonna you know…

Add to your list, these below;
Purple Foxglove; Black Hellebore;
 Deadly Nightshade; Strychnine Tree; 
Stavesacre; Jimsonweed; Yew; 
Calabar Bean; Aconite; Clematis; 
Cocculus Indicus and to many
 more to mention…

You will find truth serum, sulfur 
elixir, embalming fluid, spider venom, 
snake venom too…

Toxic gases are a must, to mix 
with this dastardly stuff…  

How else will you be able to 
whip up this nasty brew…

Wishing you a rocking Halloween!

By Sandra Lea Hoban
©2009


Details | Burlesque | |

Rudolph, The Brain Dead Raindeer

Rudolph, the Brain Dead Raindeer'
Had a very shiny arse,
Red from profuse bleeding hemorrhoids,
Santa figured he'd better put him last,
All of the other raindeers,
Used to laugh about his red tush,
Near Santa's North Pole workshop,
Could be found many a reddish bush,
So on this first Christmas eve,
With Rudolph at the rear,
Santa took off to the sky,
Red droplets flying backwards fast,
Often clogged poor Santa's eye,
Before he got to his first house,
His white suit had turned quite red,
Something told him it was more appropriate,
Went better with his sled,
From that point on, Santa's suit was red,
And remains so to today.....But now I've told
This secret old, and dearly did I pay,
Cause Santa does not stop at my roof,
Or bring us gifts of joy,
Cause I've got a BIG MOUTH!
And Santa I did annoy!


Details | Narrative | |

GETTING INTO THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

Getting into the Christmas spirit,
by examining my introspection
and making new plans for the future;
and sparking up your imagination...
could anyone imagine me dressed
as Santa Claus, who never has the minimal time
to watch a log consumed by a crackling fire?
Think again, I could be that Saint Nicholas so bold! 



Prejudice is not a part of this Christmas Season,
all kinds of people, of different ages and races, 
celebrate it; and it may vary from country to country
with traditions as far as Saturnalia or Yuletide...
that was a time when pagans started this festivity,
and with the birth of Jesus, the Christians
adopted these traditions as their own...
so should we object and put them aside?    



Getting into the Christmas spirit,
unpacking decorations for my new Christmas Tree, 
from boxes that waited too long for this day of joy;
and even my toddler, Jack, comes downstairs tripping,
handing me Grandma's favorite star, which
she had hidden away into a treasure chest so jealously,
to place on the top of this forest-scented pine tree...
when we all gather and sing," Silent Night."  



Getting into the Christmas spirit, 
adding, not taking away names from my long list;
and even though these are tough economic times,
I plan to be generous to all without feeling the pinch!
Give the very best of your intentions,
either in gift or in warmest embrace;
give and be content to catch that infant's smile in the distance; 
the tender smile of the Holiest Child, who will give of Himself!  


Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci


Details | Epulaeryu | |

Halloween Candy (Epulaeryu)

Halloween candy so nice
Like sugary spice
Crispy, creamy, chocolate
With tasty raisins
Trick or treat goblins
My tooth is 
Sweet!

© Joseph, 10/10/2007
© All Rights Reserved


The “Epulaeryu” poem is about delicious food and drinks. It consists of seven 
lines with thirty-three syllables. The first line has seven syllables, the second line 
five, the third line seven, the fourth line five, the fifth line five, the sixth line three, 
and the seventh line has only one syllable which ends with an exclamation mark. 
Each line has one thought relating to the main course. The Epulaeryu poetic form 
syllable count is 7/5/7/5/5/3/1. It has corresponding lines built around the main 
course, and concludes with the ending line expressing the writer’s excitement 
and feelings about the meal.  The Epulaeryu poetic form was invented by Joseph 
Spence.


Details | Ballad | |

SANTA , OLD SANTA

It's early Christmas' Eve, snow steadily falls
and Santa leaves the North Pole
with his breath steaming in the frigid cold...
while the reindeers wiggle their tails;
he re-checks his long and neat list,
remembering another child's wish!
   

Santa, old Santa with the longest beard
and waving brittle hair whitest than snow,
many may think you look out-dated and weird:
have you forgotten to put on your cap.
and wrapped the wool scarf around your neck?
Santa, old Santa, take a minute before you go!
 

An over-loaded sleight can't make
over the mountains, valleys and lakes
if the the tired reindeers don't stay awake,
so Santa add two more to the sleight
to make sure that all kids receive a gift
before midnight...to avoid them heart-breaks!


Santa, old Santa flashing the biggest laughter
that make your actual age disappear,
much joy is needed around the globe,
because everyone puts materialism before love...
forgetting that's easy to erase all greed:
thinking less of themselves, and doing a good deed!  


It's ten minutes to midnight, and Santa notices something so strange:
a house without lights, and there he makes his first stop;
in a corner by the dark hall he sees an empty box,
and an unhappy face reading a letter written in a rush:
the only letter that was returned for unfixed postage,
and as Santa steps down the empty sleight... the surprised girl's eyes light up!  


Santa, old Santa...this Christmas is so sad and incomplete:
it needs another Yule' miracle;
asks her what she wishes for...in a night
so shining with hope:  when everything seems so possible!  


Details | Free verse | |

Road Trip

Always when it's hot and 
my brow is dripping with sweat,
only then is it time for a road trip.

My tires hit the pavement, 
every so often I stop to make a
pit stop and out of a huge cup 
of iced lemonade I take a sip.

When I stop at Denny's or at 
an all night diner when I'm 
finished with my supper, 
I have to leave her a big tip.

Pulling over to pay a toll 
every few miles is such a rip!

Sometimes while you're on your road trip,
you find yourself arguing with your road
trip partner because they give you too much iip.

After a while from being cooped up for too long
and drinking too many RedBulls, I get feisty
and then I feel like cracking my whip!

Then my partner and my pull over and get
a motel room, when my jeans can unzip.

Staying fun is all great, 
but sometime an exciting
roadtrip is just the thing
to liven your life up
a bit!


Details | Free verse | |

....and the show must go on....

                Circus troupe at county fair
     jump through hoops are dogs that dare
        painted clown big shoes that smell
        showers water from flowered lapel
            bearded lady house of mirrors
      changing shapes of those who stare
                 freaks of nature entertain
         beguile the crowd without explain
                 all for laughter all for fun
       as "pow" pops out from phony gun
          elephants in colored costumed
                 lion tamer to the rescue
       man with helmet shot from canon
              into a net for safety landin'
        no escape from three ring circus
          caught the hype to entertain us...


Details | Burlesque | |

A Christmas Carol For John Heck- "Mrs. Tannenbaum"

The following harkens to the past when I worked for a supremely idiotic furniture 
company, and I, as other managers, had to explain to customers who waited 8-
12 weeks, on the day of promised delivery, or, if lucky, the night before, that their 
furniture could not be expected for another 6-10 weeks...and outrage I had to 
somehow make justification for.  It's therefore called;

"Oh Mrs. Tannenbaum"

Oh Mrs. Tannenbaum,
Mrs. Tannenbaum,
Your furniture will not be coming....

Seems a volcano erupted,
And therefore interupted,
With the manufacture of your product,
We promise, when the lava is cleared away,
We'll put your piece as number 1

And, barring another incident,
With a disgruntled worker with a gun,
We should have your table ready,
For delivery....
Should it rain, of course,
It is with remorse,
We'll call you to postpone it,
Rest assured, we're bored,
Of playing cards an drinking beer,
Something always comes up,
To make us refill our cup,
And disappoint our customers...

Yet, to be quite true,
We're down to but you,
So we don't really care,
You had the balls,
To order a table,
Without a single chair!


Details | Burlesque | |

Hark, Hey Harold, the Calif. Angels Sing!!

Hark, hey Harold,
the Angels sing....
glory to the homerun king...
piece of turf,
with bases wide,
runners steal,
when pitched inside,

Come ye bunters,
drop one down,
see if we can win
the division crown

Piece of bleachers,
crowd gone wild,
all because of
the runner's glide

Hark, ol' Harold,
get some franks,
and give to heaven
your heartfelt thanks!!


Details | Burlesque | |

Easter Bunny Hop

Easter Bunny....!!
Hop, hop!!.........
Seems just like...
You can not stop.....

Duracell battery
Up your butt?
Or a dose of
Coke your dealer
Forgot to cut?

Easter Bunny.....!!!
Hop, hop!!!......
What was that I just heard?
Was that a plop??

Easter Bunny.....!!!
I hope that is....
A chocolate Easter egg...
I saw fall out..
When you lifted your leg...

Oh, Easter Bunny...
You "Wascalley Wabbit!"
Do you plop all over?
Is this your habit?


Details | Burlesque | |

Have Your Shelf a Merry Little Bookcase...

Have your shelf, a merry little bookcase,
because you know it's true
Your books are piling up
and you don't know what to do....

So have your shelf
a merry little library.....too


Details | I do not know? | |

Florida Turkey

We will be visiting the land of the sun.
To see our little girl and have some fun.
We are going to have, Florida Turkey to eat.
While we all go shopping for black friday treat.
It will be a quick trip,only a week we will spend.
Family get togethers are almost a forgotten trend.
Feasting together, I know we will get our fill.
Shopping with both, my daughter and wife till.
Truly there will be many stories, that will thrill.
I was told if I did not go, my body she will kill.
Within this little poem of my journey to come.
I wish, poetry soup, Happy Thankgiving, from,
This humble and learning poet, to everyone.
Now it is off we go, to the land of the sun.



Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas

Lying in a darkened room; clutching at her breast;
She thought that when she come in there; she might get some rest.
Emanating perspiration; from her shoulders and her neck;
Cloths all thrown about the floor; and the blankets are a wreck.

Thinking in her mind; can't you hurry up;
My eggnog's spiked and ready; and sitting in a cup.
Ho-ho Merry Christmas; now get your hand off of my boob;
Isn't there a football game; plying on the tube.

Sitting in his favorite chair; paper there in hand;
Over in the dinning room; the Misses makes her plans.
 She shows to him a catalog; of things that she might like;
 And don't forget our johnny boy; says he wants a bike.

Thinking in his mind; how about you get a job;
And maybe lose a pound or two; you're looking like the blob.
Time to light the furnace; winter now is here;
But never mind the extra cost; Christmas time is near.

I saw  this fellow Santa Clause; working at the store;
I bet his little misses; keeps demanding more.
Ho-ho Merry Christmas; a blessing to us all;
A well rehearsed distraction; until the tax man calls.


Details | ABC | |

My bad SANTA

I'm scared of Santa  

He knows who's been naughty
he know's who's been nice
It's got me kinda nervous
He knows my vice
He knows what I've been doin
And I wasn't so nice
I'm on the list
I didn't think twice
I'm startin to sweat
I'm startin to plan
I gotta get that list
before I get canned
He's got an army of reindeer
and they're all lookin for me
I've heard about this Rudoulph
He's especially mean
He has this nose
this nose that glows
Santa's gonna get me
Cookies won't help
Santa Claus is comin to town
God help me.



originally written under Janetta Harrington


Details | Burlesque | |

T'was the Night Before the Witness

T'was the night before the witness,
Was sheduled to testify,
I was very frightened,
It's possible I could die....

I was accused of shooting
poor defenseless Santa,
And going on a long rant'a
lasting through Christmas Eve,
The jury for some reason,
thought I had something
up my sleeve...

Now, if this wasn't a clear case,
Of breaking and entry,
Then find me guilty,
Cause it sure is beyond me

I mean, come on, soot
came shooting out the fireplace,
Then a red boot dangled,
Practically in my face....

Then this sinister chant,
Ho, ho, ho,
Tell me, how would he know,
If I am a ho?!?

Then he dropped his huge bag of loot,
Just before he hit the floor,
Well, I'd seen enough,
I needn't see no more,

Out came my .22
And let me tell you,
When he spied this,
his cheery looking face,
Was quickly to be replaced
By a crimson red visage,
More in tune with his decoupage,

Now I had a problem,
300 pounds of roly poly jollies,
Lay beneath my hollies

His bulk had smothered my
mantel fire,
That was not to my desire

I was about to dissect him,
And feed him to his raindeer,
When suddenly a siren,
I began to hear....

The cops were soon all over me,
Like wet toilet paper
on a Halloween tree,
There was no means of escape,
At least none that I could see,

Well therefore, in jail I sat,
Booked for something that,
Made me the villian,
to all the children,
When all I was trying to do,
was "chillin"!

Now I stand before the Judge,
I see my problems multiply,
Because the Judge was an ex-elf,
And he'd make sure that I do fry.


Details | Rhyme | |

All Hallow's Eve

All Hallow's Eve

A new year,
A new cycle.
Time to prepare.
Gather the crops.
Children Beware.
Ghosts and Goblins
And Faeries alike,
Will give you a scare
On Halloween night.
The blood moon is rising
Colossal and blazing.
Giving light to the covens
Gathered for praising.
So all who are frightened,
Afraid, suspicious,
Unenlightened,
Stay inside your home.
On All Hallow's Eve
The witches will roam.


Details | ABC | |

Leap Year

Boss, being as this is leap year
and Feb 29th is an extra day
do I have to work tomorrow?
tomorrow being an EXTRA day

He says,  take your appeal 
to the big man upstairs
he invented 365 days
and these pesty leap years

With all due respect, I reply
I thought it was the Greek culture
Not the the big man upstairs
that invented "time" as we know it

(I didn't REALLY say that, I just thought it)

BUT, I say, it's an EXTRA day
kinda like SATURDAY?
do you expect me to work
SATURDAY?

So he says, look at it this way
most months are 30 or 31 days long
so really, you are working a short month
only 29 days long

I have to admit
this crap makes sense
so I give up my appeal
concerned that I might
if I don't keep quiet
end up owing money in the deal





Details | Burlesque | |

Time For Tom's Christmas Carols pt.#1

"I Came Upon A Midnight Beer..."

I came upon a midnight beer
in my sleepwalkin' thirsty search...
In my glorious P.J.'s old...
My backside flap was ripped open...
But I did not feel the cold....

I popped the lid, and gulped it down,
And thought I heard angels sing....
"Let's go find another, my friend....
Cause this is the real deal thing!"


Details | ABC | |

GREEN VISION

In a starry night
an adolescent thought starts
a rivalry. A baby moon squirms.
No hour was safe from terror in dark.
I climb the stairs breathlessly.

The great divide deepens in hearts.
Incisors bite the tongue,
grey cells bleed inside.
Thick ash has not stopped the cinders
smouldering under the veils of flushed peace.
Cupped tears wash the feet of death,
a caravan of words moves desolated,
cutting on the edges, before you say
goodbye to green vision.

Today I am pulling out the nails
from the walls. No hangings of departed centuries.
No portraits of exiled flames.
Only the face of truth, burning
at the interface of unthruths.



SATISH VERMA


Details | Light Poetry | |

Halloween Fun

Bob the Builder
Showed up at 
My house one
Fine eve

A little short
But on tv
He looked
A little short

To me
I said, "Well,
Hi! Bob
Please come in."

Come in he did,
Converse with
Him I did,
He told me 

As he went 
Out the door
Granny it's
Me

Caleb from
next door


Details | Narrative | |

Horror Comes To Town

Way back when,
Living with my father Harry,
One Halloween I had an idea spark,
Seemed to me it'd be a lark....

Thus the tale of When Harry's House Held
The Horrific Holloween Hex..from Hell

Early 70's, my favorite time did approach,
For scary Halloween tricks and pranks,
I intended to truely host...

So, I spent some time, with tools and wood,
Made a faux- coffin, looked pretty good!   
Placed a self made dummy inside,
His head a bar-room prop for "Old Grand Dad",
This was gona be fun for me to be had,
Dressed him up, looking better all the time,
Stuck a big knife in him...
Guess it had been a vicious crime,
Ketchup blood stains,
Covered all in clear plastic wrap,
Placed it in the living room,
Just inside our front door,
But I wasn't done, I planned much, much more...

Forgive me, if I've already told this tale,
I can't remember,....oh, what the hale...

Had my girlfriend dress up like Morticia,
Black dress and more,
Put on my ill fitting black suit,
Almost ready for the door...
Powdered our faces with white talc,
Held a candle holder for the day
Put on eerie organ funeral music,
Still got more to say....

Set up two chairs near the "coffin",
My parents became the grieving mourners,
Waited for our victims to arrive,
Knew they'd remember this Halloween,
As long as they were alive....

Didn't take long,
Till the first kids came....
I opened the door slowly,
menacingly....
They would never be the same.....

Each group of children who knocked,
Ran out in great fright....
Oh, my golly, this gona be some night!!
Some dropped their bags of candy...
Boy I was "cleaning up"
The only house around,
Whose candy quantities tripled
by the cup!!

Then some frightened children,
Returned with many a wary parent,
Didn't believe their stories,
Thinking "No Way! They simply daren't!!"

Well, I escaped jail,
really don't know how...
But it left me with this tale...
That I tell often, as now.


Details | Acrostic | |

Halloween


Haunted houses
an arrow through the skull
laughing witches on broomsticks
leering black cats
Orange pumpkins with fiery eyes
wild costumes
Every scream frightens
every breath electrifies
Now~~ BOO!



Details | Quatrain | |

Irish Haunting

In the Emerald Isle
Where leprechauns reside
Banshees rule the nighttime
With horrific cries
But wandering upon this night
The air was thick with mist
I felt a tingle down my spine
As something grabbed my wrist
I turned so, in a hurry
Expecting then a face
As happiness had left my heart
With fear it was replaced
I quickly ran down, to an Inn
I shot down three big drafts
The keeper and the patrons
They could not help but laugh
For they then told the story
Of a lass that passed away
Some see her in the glen
Others hear her, they just say
But, I happened to be there
10 years to the day
In the same location 
On this 15th day of May
For on that day a decade ago
Her new spouse bore a knife
And brought it down upon her
Taking away her life
They say she keeps on trying
To find that once true man
To take his life, just as he did
She now wanders o’er the land
I was so damn frightened
For that could have been me
So I am never leaving here
Cause I threw away their key


Details | I do not know? | |

I saved Christmas

When Santa Claus came down my chimney, I thought he was a robber.
I grabbed my baseball bat and old Saint Nick got clobbered.
Santa had some compound fractures and he kept saying ouch.
I made his deliveries while he laid on my couch.
I climbed on my roof and got in his sled.
When I told the reindeers to fly, Prancer kicked me in the head.
I delivered the presents all around the world.
Because of me, there were a lot of happy boys and girls.
The next year I asked Santa for a new bowling ball because I love to bowl.
But when I checked my stocking, I saw that the fatso gave me a block of coal.


Details | Rhyme | |

A Little More Dressing!!

A Little More Dressing!!

My pants are too tight,
Someone blew up my belly,
My feet are out of sight,
Which way to the deli?

You think I am joking,
You think that I jest,
Someone’s been poking,
Holes,
In my vest. 

That turkey was so good
The dressing too,
I would eat more if I could,
Shame on you.

You are too good a cook,
Pecan pies, oh my,
I took a second look,
And began to cry.

I was too full, 
Couldn’t eat any more,
Just one more mouthful,
I could not ignore.

The next month,
No food for me,
Or maybe the seventh,
We will have to see.

Now I have to lie down,
My tummy is aching,
I must look like a clown,
My knees are shaking.

Too much weight,
I am guessing,
I filled my plate,
A little more dressing.


Details | I do not know? | |

Halloween

(This is a fictional poem)

Last year there was a kid who was really mean.
He vandalized my house on Halloween.
He used toilet paper and lots of eggs.
But when he tried to run away, he didn't have fast enough legs.
I chased him down and shaved his head bald.
He screamed and screamed because he was appalled.
He came dressed like a pirate but he left looking like Kojak.
This Halloween I don't think he'll be back.


Details | I do not know? | |

"My Valentine's Day Love"

roses are sometime red
love can be all so true
i think you are the best
not just sexy
but sweet
through and through
and so now
I will send you
a big wet kiss
so close your eyes
this you will not
want to miss~

ps. be safe, were a comment!



aka:lyricvixen


Details | I do not know? | |

"Valentine's day is to day"

today is the day
and you may not
receive no candy
but don't you worry
and don't you cry
because it only gos
straight to your thighs~

today is the day
and there may not be
that someone special
who love and call you
honey
don't you worry
it will only cost
you too much money~

today is the day
and i would just
like to say
i have no candy
or gifts to give
but i just want you
to be my one and only
sweety honey
so will you be my Valentine
it not going to cost
you one little dime
just a kiss and a little of your time~


aka:lyricvixen