Submit Your Poems
Get Your Premium Membership

Free Verse Depression Poems | Free Verse Poems About Depression

These Free Verse Depression poems are examples of Free Verse poems about Depression. These are the best examples of Free Verse Depression poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

If you don't find the poem you want here, try our incredible, super duper, all-knowing, advanced poem search engine.

Details | Free verse | |

The Fallen Poet

(The Fallen Poet)

Shadows, fall from the east
Winter show, white meadows,
Compelling words lost, in a silent world
Beautiful, Bloomingdale is how it goes
Apocalyp-so, my very own limbo
I was alone in a field of corpses-
A field of men, women and broken pens, 
Images of angels fallen to their knees

A pace of space, where--
The sun became a wasted disease
The more I prayed the worse I felt,
Lord, I came before you- broken from head to toe

Heaven sees through, the secret inside
Lost I may be, yet you see
Offended me, I no longer sing
I wait till all is asleep
My ink is dry, a broken poet, with nowhere to go
Lost in the shadows of snow, frozen like ice
A sheet of paper, with no meaning, no words

My friends, my comrades, how easily one forgets

Like a game of chess, I panicked
Made all the right and wrong moves
I lost my way, staggered across
Love comes and love goes
My heart weaker than, weak
I don't know how I survived before, 
After turning the other cheek
I was no longer whole, forsaken myself endlessly 
I was lost, could not even count on myself

Guidance, I ignored no one believed what's become of me
Secretly, I stood in my old footsteps after falling down

At times end, I found nothing could put me back where I belong
It's time to get back on offense,
Walk through the new doors God reopened to my life

~SKAT~

(A Poet Destroyer Collaboration) 


Details | Free verse | |

Silver Haze

*                     ~Dark Silver Haze~                               *

   (side#1)                                         (side #2)

come taste life                  ----------  Heart-warming wine
old and stale,                   ----------   Jot down a line
unflavored, unpolished,      ---------   Mood changes hue
A sour, dim shade              ---------   To sweet silver blue

the lowest feeling              ---------- How high the cost
eternal gray sky               ----------  How much is lost
hollow memories               ---------- Back payment due
A sour, dim shade             ---------  To sweet silver blue 

weak limbs, overpower         ------- Head shake and sigh
moments of lights              --------  None left to deny
everything ends                 --------  Insight in view
A sour, dim shade             --------  To sweet silver blue 


torn from reality             --------   Somehow I gain
low spirits of sorrow        --------  Beauty from pain
bitter and dull,                 --------- As thoughts turn to you
A sour, dim shade           --------   To sweet silver blue


**A deep Look Into The eyes of the Poet Destroyer**

~A Tim Ryerson Collaboration~


Details | Free verse | |

Daddy

Daddy

Daddy, why did you go away,
Don't you know I wanted you to stay!

Daddy, when you left mom,
Don't you know you left me too.
Now all I do is cry and cry
--- I want to die!

Daddy, mommy say's it's better this way,
What does she know!
There's not enough band-aids to cover up the blues
Mom's kisses can't heal this kind of pain.

Daddy, I look around 
No one stands in your garage
Daddy, You took every tool
Except the hammer and sitting stool
Daddy, I still miss you 
--- I love you. 

***
***
Dear Daddy, I'm all grown up now
Haven't seen you since I was 10

Daddy, I sit on your favorite chair,
No longer do I miss the way you caressed my hair.
Daddy, I'm taking the old hammer and this BRAND NEW saw,
It's time to patch all the holes mom punched in the wall 
*The day you walked out on us*
Daddy, don't worry about the times I tripped and fell
Mom, found someone to fix  the loose boards,
Got tired of scraping my knees 

Daddy, I finally realized I'm okay,
I agree with mom, it's better this way.

by;pd


Details | Free verse | |

My Song

~Not Like Me~

When you were first put into my arms,
I begged God, to make you nothing like me
For my sins, ask for no transformation
This is my song, my meditation

Look at my face
Where has it all gone,
You no longer desire to be a part my song

Look at my life, 
The toll, hasn't been paid
I'm the one suffering everyday

The vengeance of eternal flames, 
  sit near the empty hearth
Burning my needs to hold you once more,
I need you more than you'll ever know

Now Look at me, I'm 53 and have no where to go
Everyone I know, awaits in a place of gold
Unlike you, you're too busy growing old 
------ Not Like Me!!!

Singing a song, that accentuate's the mind,
I have no one to blame, I neglected all the signs
Hoping the rain would slowly die off

Today here I lay, wondering where I went wrong
I implored God, to cause you nothing like me
I have a heart that forgives, and tries to forget
I kneel, and I give, and I treat others with respect
My compassion, I measured in the poorest way

I judged my life worse than the others did 
Now why did I ask ---- Not Like Me!
For my sins, ask for no translation
This is my song, my speculation

The dreaded conclusion of this song, 
All I can say, "Be careful what you ask for."
At the end, all I can say, I got what I asked for
Someone, who's Not Like Me.........................

:)


Details | Free verse | |

Pretty Flower in the Deep woods

VINEYARDS of HAPPINESS          ---------------------      GARDEN of SORROW

There is no greater Happiness,-----------when-----------Pulling away  sorrow
then being in my  lover's arms,-------letting go of----Broken memories 
Kissed by his  hungry lips,-------------------------------Rejecting all hunger, of love
spoiled by his sweetest charms.-----------------------The surface spoiled look in his face

There is no greater Happiness,------------------------Holding the depth of solitary sorrow
feeling my love's warm embrace,-----------------------Feelings of cold,no emotions on Gods grace
Meeting in our secret GARDEN,-----------------------Prolonging the visit to our VINEYARD
Opening dreams' golden gates.------------------------the door you open leads into dark woods

There is no greater Happiness,-------------------------Reviving every motion of sorrow
and there 'll never be ,for me,----------------------------trapped forever inside of me
till that far promised day,------------------------------------Broken promises day by day
My Honey  love s' here with me.------------------------a wound so fresh, damaged like a twig
                                                   

            HAPPINESS  -------------------------to-------------------- SADNESS

Happiness to me,is as easy as can be,----------------Sadness triumphs over anything in me
a doughnut,a cup of English Tetley tea.------some nights----------A bucket of ice cream,a bottle of Jack Daniel
Lying on my beige leather sofa,------------some days-------------Slouching up against the wall
Covered by a Woolen red tartan rug,------------- tears fallen like a red river on the carpet
Hugging and Kissing,Fondling and snogging,--- some mornings ---Crying and Weeping,Wiping the Sobbing
Just watching T.V.------------------------------------------Just imaging you                                                                    
                                          

         THE  ROSE===============================WITHER

Love is a Pink Rose,--------------------------------------------A rose in the dark woods
with a crown of thick Grey thorns,--------------------------Like a cloud following you
delicate and strong.-----------------------------------------------Tilting till its gone
By ;Charma                                                        By : P.D.


inspired By : Charmaine Chircop            compose By : Poet Destroyer

~A Poet Destroyer Collaboration~


Details | Free verse | |

Keep It Real:If I Could Cry

if i maurice yvonne could cry i’d spread my tears eternal over your  ( say it, dare to be bold) naked body (then she could taste your pain) but i can’t shed tears anymore (tell her why) (you need her to know) (no i can't she'll leave me) (get out of my head) my mind beats differently now i have seen the doctor i'm not well...kind of (you're blowing it) (can't you see her face) (quiet i'm trying to think) it's not like a normal doctor if i could feel (you use to. you did) i would touch you with the hands of a silk maker gentle and caring and with purpose. the doctor. my physiatrist. i was diagnosed as bipolar  (there you got it out) (was that so hard?) leave me alone will you no i'm sorry not you they gave me drugs  i don't feel like i use to not the mountain not the waterfall (give it a break just speak plain) (ok yes i will) i can't cry any more i have no sex drive it's the pills if i... oh my God  if i... i would and more i’d run beyond to hold you i would the pills they make me docile you'll laugh when you hear this because you are always with me (don't get all mushy with her) i miss you  (ok bud you did it) (let's just move on) i have no answers, but i know what you're feeling you want us to be romantic way back (i can't listen to this) (i am out of here) before being medicated i was passionate  so very passionate not anymore  i'll tell you though something’s got to give my god  something’s got to give.
Maurice Yvonne September 11 2014


Details | Free verse | |

Things That Seemed Poetic

Things that seemed poetic were always sad,
though I yearned for sparkle
and my dad's guffaw, which never came.
Familiar things were always drear --
repeated motions in the same old game.
There were only distant glimpses
of budding spring, fleeting views
of daffodils. The strongest
poems dealt me death and dying.
Yet I always hoped, never went under
to gray despair, always dreaming
of a garden of love that we could share.
But those forbidden delights faded
quickly away; the only reality
I understand is the ever-looming
and final one. Nothing's changed.
The strongest poems deal death and dying.


Details | Free verse | |

A jaded man

The sting of shattered trust
fills his veins with toxic spite,
contaminating his heart. 

He finds solace in a bottle,
quenching his resentment,
slurring forth caustic fumes;
nauseating his liver.

Until he spits her treachery up
with a sickening heave,
in the shallow, murky gutter
of a jaded man's reprieve.
 .



Details | Free verse | |

Paranoid love

Tell me that this fear is just paranoia in my mind, 
we're not straining, we're not struggling, 
we're not sinking, we're just fine. 
I'm not perfect my dearest, but damn have I tried, 
and I'll try harder but I know I'll have the same results every time. 
Do you want me all the ways that I am? 
With all the struggles and the tears and the clinging to your hand. 
I fear your getting further and Im left on the shore to stand, 
watching you in the distance with a bullet in my hand. 
Tell me all this worry, its just clutter in my mind, 
tell me not to worry that we're doing just fine. 
Cause Im scared to run you off and I feel Im falling deep. 
And Im so frightened of these thoughts that its getting hard to sleep.
All I know is that the heart wants what it desires, 
because of you the match inside has turned into a fire. 
And I feel the broken glass thats sticking from my skin, 
Wondering if you'll remove the pain or push it back in. 
My hearts frantic wondering if you feel the same, 
pleading and begging for more than just a saying, 
but to feel and to see that im not alone, 
with being in this love thats overwhelming. 
Once I told you that we didnt have a spark, 
but you were lighting up and I was sitting in the dark. 
And this fire, this blaze its wrapped in desire. 
Im terrified to lose you, I think I might die or, 
maybe disappear from all the pieces falling out, 
im going crazy but when i open my mouth, nothing comes out, 
and I cant explain to you why I just need to hold you close, 
why every time you leave Im scared to let you go, 
why these tears are building up behind my eyes, 
all I know is that the heart wants what it desires 
and it desires to be your wife. 
So tell me in my panic, that your words are true, 
tell my my dearest what I mean to you, 
tell me that this paranoia is all within my mind 
we're not struggling, we're not sinking tell me we're just fine


Details | Free verse | |

My Turn To Cry

I’ve distanced myself
I didn’t mean to
Didn’t set out to do it
An unconscious act of the mind 
For self preservation

My visits went to once a week
Sunday dinners that once lasted for hours
Became shorter and shorter
Until now its get in
Get it cooked
Clean it up 
Visit
And we’re out

Occasionally circumstances would
Happen and one would be missed
Oh well I’ll go during the week
Sometimes I did
Sometimes I didn’t
Today my heart cried to be near you

I entered the home and immediately
Settled my mood into the atmosphere
Funeral home-esque for lack of a better description
I speak in hushed tones
Slow my movements
And quiet my spirit

You want something
Oh thank you give me a job
What do you need???? Anything
I’ll gladly do anything

So many things hurt you now
You who were so tough reduced to such pain
Questions, answers, questions, answers
Over and over and over
This is the part I know
I’ve practiced this so many times before

You speak and in mid sentence you cry
Have I seen my sister,,you can’t remember 
Ever seeing my sister, have you seen her
Yes mom remember mom
My answers are calm
Almost rehearsed
Repeated
Sterile

You look searching in my eyes
Yours, sunken, confused,
Pained, with a depth of sadness
I haven’t seen before
I look away.

I meet all the needs you’ve asked of me
I pat you, hug you, pray with you
I look at my brother, the saint
He’s tired, worn, sad
 
I leave, I’m OUT
I drive
How’d I get here
How long have I been driving
The sky so desperately gray
Muted tones of nothingness
The air feels so heavy
Like a shroud encompassing me
Choking me

The river runs beside me
It rages from the wind
There’s no stopping its power
It’s dark and gloomy and brown
And suits my mood

I try to pray
HOW DO I PRAY
Do I pray for healing,
Health, life, death
Joy, maybe peace

I cry out to you
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO PRAY
I look to the sky and see
The smallest spot of the most beautiful sapphire blue
In a sea of nothing
And I cry


Details | Free verse | |

Dead Birds

Standing on the broken cement of the back porch
silently staring into the skies
and talking to myself 
 
Fingers struggling to keep appearances 
windshield wipers across my cheek
watercolors gone white
 
Flippant, fanatical, furious
patient, protective, passionate
trying to love the beast
 
Sending dreams to the clean ears of the open air  
returned quickly, clutched in your mouth, crushed
presented for reward
 
Dead birds delivered to my doorstep 
my nature wants to heal them, bury them
yours waits and wags its tail


Details | Free verse | |

The Depth of Grace

You lie in a heap outside

The safe-guard of social

Convention.


With skin the same colour

As your thoughts. You

Bleed into the gutter.


-How Did You Lose Your Grace?-


Multitudes of People Blur

Passed You, You Wish It

Was peaceful Here.


You Held Your Face and

Cried as I Raped You,

Now you're all Grown.


-When did You Fall From Grace?-


You've Forfeit Flight,

Your Wax Has Melted.

You're Drownin' Boy...


You're Drownin'




  


Details | Free verse | |

TIME KEEPER

Seconds,
My life seems to work anti-clockwise
With every tick I seem to get less wise
By the minute counter-clock-wise
As I split-seconds closer to my demise
Look deep in to these eyes
There is no I to make this a life
So let me die

And here I lie
Clip off these wings you gave me to fly
I have no reason to visit the skies
I'm now too cold to be your sun
Still here I lie
I just hate it when you smile
It seems to kill all that poetry in your cry
Now say goodbye so you can drown your pillows with tasteful life
Because here and there I lied
Auctioned pieces of your heart for pounds of flesh I lost taste for after a couple of bites
I was greedy and they were needy- that defined exploitation
See now I believe it would take more than one crucifixion to cleanse my sins
So don't forgive me
I now belong to the Darkness
And your love is not welcome here


Details | Free verse | |

At the Edge

White wake trails the festive party boat
Beach dweller eyes with envy
     Lonely fate
          Cactus on desert sand
               Not even parasites invade
                    Needles repel everything, everyone

Never to exchange vows
Give birth, spoil grandchildren
Endless nights tossing in a king-size bed
     No king
          Eternity in a cocoon
               Years pass
                     Hopes dim

Friends complain
Messy husbands, custody battles
No custodians seek empty hearts
     She beckons the sun to set
          Prays to reach heaven’s gate
               ‘Fore it rises again
                    Shedding light on pain

Enduring dread
Puffs of smoke from burnt-out life
Climb and dissipate
     No last will
          No legacy bestowed
               Memories of her life
                    Rest only in souls who have passed



Entry for PD's emotional poem contest


Details | Free verse | |

Time Out

Make no haste,
your work is restless.

Aeon give me pause--
no more ticking
gears grinding
ever towards the
lonely end.

Live the now.
Even Death took
a holiday,
veering briefly from an
eternity of reaping
solitude.

Take your time
on earth and
mingle--
overindulge in
reverie.
Rest assured,
oblivion can
wait.


Details | Free verse | |

Wounded

Come and gone like small twister like the cloud of debris he’s left. Echoes of Charlie Brown’s buddy Pigpen blow through the cobwebs in memory. Left over coffee cups replacing Transformers still dumped in the attic. Reams of knarley skateboards, wheel-less, lay in piles like so much unburnable refuse. The obligatory hugs and peck, over and done the never paid chauffeur collapses… Ah, to have him always near, So, each kiss was not quite so dear. The last fair maid on parade has wandered across the home front, wondering about her predecessor, still tacked with magnets to the fridge, still part of my heart and his… Sons…they say, do not cause such angst. Couldn’t prove it by this mother. This maternal blimp of unused helium was not permitted a girl child. One did come and fleetingly leave before formed. We’ll never know the sweetness of her. Let the image of his manly self disperse, this son.. into the mist as his Father’s has… to be remembered again, only in times of need, his need, for to do anything else, would be to rub salt in an open wound.
Poet: D. Guzzi *the day after Christmas


Details | Free verse | |

Tiny Fractures of Death

As the clock ticks on,
the soul
encounters 
tiny fractures of death

hairline cracks
seemingly invisible, superficial
yet they run deep

one
      more
          word

one 
      more
          look

one
     more
        reason

to
         S    h   a  t   t  e    R 


and 
nothing
matters
anymore

Nothing.







022920121233p1241



Details | Free verse | |

Again, and again

The doubt and anger are here again
No surprise, my new friend
Believed I could keep it all away
Now it’s about to steal me away
Come steal me away. Again, and again

Why can’t I change the parts I hate? Stupid, lying beautiful face

Hearts are craters, deep as wells
Fill them up and hold on well
Sand and mud, the liquid seeps
Dirty tears and sorrows creep
Creep in to swallow me. Again, and again

Why can’t I change the parts I hate? Stupid, lying beautiful face

Told you, I told you. Remember I did?
This time it was raw, nothing I hid
Unacceptable loathing and regret
Nothing to explain, at least not yet
You will see though. Again, and again

Why can’t I change the parts I hate? Stupid, lying beautiful face

Consuming distraction, love that I know
It’s dying already with no place to go
You won’t agree and you won’t see
It will never be enough for me
You will hate me so. Again, and again

Why can’t I change the parts that I hate? Stupid, lying beautiful face

Let me go, for I am already gone
I’m sorry to make you believe this long
Hopeless rage, directed at you
Walls constructed to block the view
But you will still want me. Again, and again.

I can’t change the parts I hate, and I’ll never be happy again. Again


Details | Free verse | |

FAR AWAY - a collaboration with OliVe

Shadowed silence vibrates melancholy
As the darkening clouds spiral overhead 
Open spaces, breathing air of mystery
bloody ink of terror break in...doused in dread 
Shattering the portrait to pieces instantly
A turn to the left & to the right hesitantly
A step forward or backwards...
Which way should I go? I sponge in woe
Wouldn't it be easier to go with the flow? 
I'm so far away from the sun-drenched day, 
Falling victim to nightfall's spellbinding dismay...
Tell me, which Way I should go? 
Don't mislead me with callous words
Creeping fear and shameful wonder crawl down my spine
My heart is beating with despair, feeling like a disgrace
Misfortune was crawling within my skin...becoming serpentine
Inside of my veins...and I'm Wishing to stay in one place…
But I could not...
I could not. You left me to rot...
There was a voice within shouting at me to move forward
I am scared, but i won't sweat it...that was really awkward
My feet were unstoppable. I couldn't help, but run
Pushing. Compelling me to traverse 
Running. Running. Running. Running in the sun . . . 
My heart's melody yearns for tragedy in reverse
Running for safety, I'm grieving to the core
Who will dare share an ounce of care?
Is this my misfortune? There's more hope in store
Whispering clear a prayer, hand me the rope of hope if you dare 
Wrapping my hands together...don't let me go
Ease the earthquake fear, quaking in my heart
I'm yearning for someone...let the blessed breeze blow
I want something or someone to blanket me or I'll depart
From His light... is it out of sight now?
Longing for His healing rain to shower down relief upon me somehow
I'm awakened by sudden realization that everything will work out in the end
As drizzle sprays, cooling down my stance...my insecure state of mind
I need a helping hand to reach out to me - I break instead of bend
Speechless and afraid, I have naught to say, for I am blind
I gape at her angelic appearance 
As she traced me a lament-carved frown 
I'm far, far from the roaring crowd in an instance
I'm gravity-bound, I've been weighed down
Who can put me back together?
Am I going to remain frozen forever?
I wander in the wilderness of my mind
Naked and ashamed - I feel like I've been left behind
Earning misfortune
Singing a sad, gracious tune
Running. Running. Running. Running in the sun . . .I have allowed
Myself to breathe in the air of mystery...far away from the cheerful crowd


Details | Free verse | |

The cutter



She went to sleep
closing her eyes
beginning to dream
of broken butterflies
tearing her lovely monarch wings
on faithless love that angels sings...

She finds shiny metal in kitchen sink
in an evening absent light
she finds peace in cuts of pink
watching crimson blood flow feels so right..

Starlight shines upon her tears
I whisper darling, you cannot bleed
all of your suicidal fears
at night when you begin to cry
I'll sing you a lover's lullaby..

My love do not wish that you were dead
dreaming of an absent pulse
laying on silken sheets bleeding red
I will offer love so do not bleed
give me your knife I am all you need...
~ ~ ~ ~


Details | Free verse | |

My Heart Stopped Beating

Laying her back on the wall of her prison
Why was it different
It hurt more
Shocked more
Chest heavy
Grief affecting her
This terrible ache consuming every pore
Harder to swallow
It was him she's sure

She loons at me
I know the look
She's hiding behind the sofa
Saying he's been back banging on the door
I know it was the tumble dryer upstairs
Her eyes are bloodshot
A beautiful bright blue bloodshot
Wide as fish eyes
She's been pacing all night holding a knife
She's holding an umbrella
I took the knives last time she cut her wrists
She's in torn clothes as she tears at her flesh
I feel my flesh tear
That's her last nice dress
No longer nice but torn and red
I give her trousers and a belt
My own only just brought
They drown her
At least she's covered
She says he's been calling her all night on the phone
I took the phone when she smashed it on the wall
I try to think of everything
In the bathroom there's hair in the chipped shabby sink
She's been pulling it out by the roots
I feel my scalp it's sore, alien
I feel everything
I removed the scissors when she shredded her scalp cutting her hair off
Saying this is why he had her
Her long golden hair
My hair
Lithium pills
In the cabinet, too many
Too many pills
She should of taken these

She calms
I calm
Promising to take her pills, begging don't send me back to hell
But at the secure unit she's safe 
I'm safe
Says she'll have a bath and 
be better tomorrow
She's settled, I'm settled
So I leave
I'll come back in the morning
I sleep soundly
First night in months
The morning light gives me slight hope
I can't remember this feeling much

I hear a crash 
I run
I'm taking too long
Kicking the door in
I thank God for kickboxing
She's swinging from the oak beam in the ceiling
My belt around her neck
Juddering
I look for a knife
I look for scissors 
To cut her down
Cut me down
I look for a phone to call an ambulance

I feel my body juddering
My heart stop beating
The belt
The new belt
I hadn't thought about the belt


Details | Free verse | |

The Canvas

She painted her emotions with a dark brush
My heart sunk into her canvas
Transported to an endless sadness
She greets me there with a smile
Her light not visable from the other side

"Come" she says
"There are many rooms to explore"
She skips along yesterday's corridors
I follow in tentative foot falls
She looks back, "Here it is, this is where we'll begin."
Through the door we go in

In an instant she disappears
I wondered was she ever here
Then a silent voice whispers in my ear
"Watch and listen, all will unfold"
I watch in silence, my heart feels cold

A mother in a hospital bed
Two baby girls
One of them dead
Tears of joy now sad instead
She whispers "do you see?? Happy Birthday, little me." 

I hear her giggle in another room
So I walk through another door,
a toddler alone on the floor
Mom sitting, at a table with a drink
Little girl starts crying
Mom doesn't even blink

The scene changes 
A parade of men
Mom needs her lovers
Over and over again

In the night
When mom's asleep
Into the girls room, the demons creep
On the bed, there she lays
She leaves her mind
While the bad man plays

I scream
I want him to stop
Her so helpless
Him there on top
The whisper returns "There is nothing to do,
I want you to know the source of my blue."

I say "please I can take no more"
With that she says "there is just one more door."
She is back, she takes my hand
I walk through a door to her promised land

The darkness, is all stripped away
She is young once more, it's bright as day
She turns and smiles, " I'm okay,
long ago I learned to pray."
I said "I do not understand, 
how could he let that happen to you?
Is he not to blame for your world of blue?"
She looks again with knowing smile
"You will understand in a while.
One day all anwers he will reveal, 
best understood when you learn to kneel.

From her canvas 
My mind wishes release
Flowing into my heart, an ancient peace
On humbled footsteps, my journey within
A world of shadows, paper thin
I see beyond sadness
I search within 

This dark picture, 
brushed stroked on my mind
Her life touched by sin, 
Is now redefined
No longer is she broken
I watch her light grow
She says "I'm okay,
it's time for you to go."

For Kelly Deschler's Ghost stories contest.


















Details | Free verse | |

I need it to rain

I need to hide
to drown my sorrow
to not feel obligated to stay a secret
the darkness to blanket my self inflicted pain
the thunder to stifle my screams
the lightening to set me on fire
I need it to rain...

I need to be revitalized and invigorated
to feel serene and tranquil
to be calm and collected
the darkness to bring me peace
the thunder to direct my mind
the lightening to guide my heart
I need it to rain...

I need to escape
to feel the ground at my feet
to feel the wind in my hair
the darkness to blind my captor
the thunder to clap in approval
the lightening to sever my shackles 
I need it to rain...

I need to grow
to heighten my potential
to cultivate and thrive
the darkness to shelter my fraility
the thunder to ward off any imminent danger
the lightening to strike as my weapon
I need it to rain...

I need to be laid to rest
for someone to cry for me
for someone to long for me
the darkness to resemble my abscence
the thunder to echo my voice through your ears
the lightening to flash visions of me before your eyes
I need it to rain...


Details | Free verse | |

Anxious Dissolution

IV

A soul was broken to make room
For dusty halls and labyrinths.
A gossamer, nylon bed-sheet shroud
Enwraps the remnants of that mind.
And no excuses can be made; 
This disease does not justify that one.
I do not sleep deeply, I do not wake easily,
I dream of cities built on sand,
Next to the swelling sea.
Oh, they should have lasted.
Why should they fall?
I dream of timber horses,
Brought between those city walls.
We should have known; we should have known better.

III

But, I am not an honest mystic;
Beware what you ask of me.
I will show truths within the liar's tapestry.
But, you will not believe; no, you cannot believe.

II

I howled for my motherland
When the mutiny began.
I heard the cry of treason; heard the cry and ran.
I saw blood be spilled,
Some of it my own, then
Felt the rest boil, that this could happen in my home.
I saw the battle through, until the very end,
Then wished the traitors pardoned,
Because they were my friends.

I

I cannot tell the difference
Between the sleeping and the dead,
So, I will dole out blankets, and keep the kettle on.
The streets are cracked and dirty,
And they all appear the same:
Shattered glass and roofing tacks
Where I place my bare and weary feet.
I don't want to go on.
But, I must rebuild; I must rebuild.
I have no grass to lay,
The trees and flowers will not grow,
So, I shall use nothing, but mortar, brick, and stone.
It's not the same; it is not the same,
But, I shall call it home.


Details | Free verse | |

The Storm

A cold wind blows,
turning hardened walls to sand.
Breaking down the barriers
exposing the emotions that were held inside.

The pain builds,
from hurts buried deep within.
Storm clouds roll in
dark, cold, and threatening.

Thunder rumbles,
roars across the darkened land.
A voice breaking the spirit:
Stupid
Ugly
Hated
Harlot
Die...
the words echo through the ears.

Lightning flashes,
shattering the very heavens.
Words drift through the mind:
Unwanted
Nothing
No-one
Useless
Alone...
casting shadows of doubt through the soul.

The tears fall from the eyes,
from a heart broken and battered.
Rain pours down from above
overflowing, unable to be contained.

Then finally as the rage is spent,
a calm stillness overtakes the cleansed world.
In the arms of a friend
peace is found once again.

And a voice whispers to the night:
"I'm alright..."


Details | Free verse | |

This One's for You

This One’s for You
     By Dane Smith-Johnsen

Wherever you are, when life seems hopeless, 
And your scrambled essence screams inside out. 
The pain wrenches it’s own form of anguish.
Head harrowing, distant dreams devoured
Fear asks, “Why me?  Dear God, why me?  Why me?

                        Stop!

Release the throbbing hurt; control moments.
Revive the tranquility once within.
Just for a moment, wait upon the Lord.
Let Him hold you.  Do you sense His presence?
Never give up on God; share your sweet soul.

                        Look!

All around.  See the wonder of Creation.
The beauty prepared for you. Please partake.
Preclude pain.  Spotlight God for a moment
He can bequeath irresistible joy.
Never give up on God, spill your sweet soul.

                       Listen!
  
Permit the fear to disappear; hear God.
Cast off your pain in Jesus’ Holy name.
Listen quietly for a little while.
Hear Him; sense the mighty comfort He gives.
Trust His strength to help you and heal your heart.
                                      Amen


Details | Free verse | |

Curved Lips

Sometimes I laugh while reading in the library
Sometimes librarians come over and tell me to be quiet
Sometimes they ask if everything is okay
And always always I answer "yes"


Details | Free verse | |

The Day That Died Forever

When I am Colder,Older and then alone...
I will collect the sky on my own...
When the art has faded and the days then fade-
when everyone has gone away...

I may finally see what never was saw
.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh............... the quiet sky

The unlit room which bares my end...shows the flashes of my pains my joys and sins.
This life has been a strange one since the curtains were drawn
These paper and plastic figures have clouded the dawn

I was once younger,foolish,and obsessed with truth
Now I am bitter,sour,dour faced with my heart under shoe

The children were all searching or lost in a crowd
All weeds in a garden...growing vile and foul

Though beauty was sold it never came true
Obsessions and vanity have traveled safe through

Materials and poison and everything lost
have been burned in the fires or lost in the frost

I stand face to mirror tearing my being apart
Winding thoughts of love,pain,god,and art

As the sun sets and the darkness grows
I too shall follow this pattern in tow

Death has a friendly hand and a pretty face
She has given me comfort as I leave this place

The wars have occurred,humanity's lost
Souls have been burnt in the fire or lost in the frost

Day was Life,Night is Death

And the latter has given counsel on my final steps


Details | Free verse | |

Baking Chocolate

For shame I write again
And indulge your memory 
Doting on you baselessly,
As though you’re a man
For shame, I have no remedy

Because as a child, I could never know
And as I am, you couldn't trust my word
That I know you and I know hardship
Because while there was always milk for me
You are have always been
 baking chocolate

And though I didn't know how unpleasant it would be
I faithfully escorted that dry dust to my mouth
Because you already owned me, 
and my passion was arcane
I forfeited to you
To become fortitude, your stronghold
I gladly wed the night; I gladly wed your savagery
Soliloquies decorating the shrine in my heart
For you, my one good thing 

I have no capacity to abandon
And I don’t know how to love conservatively 
And as easy as spitting you out could be
I let you fester, 
I let you make a home in me 

But even now, I can still taste you in my mouth, 
Where years should’ve made you disappear
 And you’re nauseating
You’re the bitter product of bitter chocolate
I’m older now
 and my youth won’t erase you
Nor passing moments, nor justified rage
 And my heart is empty plastic
In my own hands
And  you marauded me

I hate you more than there are words for
My resilience has long melted away
Yet you always have a hand on me
And I can’t make you leave

Eternal sunshine’s burning me
My lips remember, my lips grieve

For shame,  I can’t forget you…


Details | Free verse | |

Masked Men

Masked Men

Look in the mirror
Look in the mirror
What do you see?
Masked men staring back at me
What do you do when you look in the mirror?
Only to despise what you see
The pain you caused the everlasting memories
Do you see what you've done?
Can you live with what you caused?

Go now down your distant path
Your unworthy happiness will never last
These are things the Masked Men Cause
Who’s to say your right or wrong?
Misguided emotions lead you down this path
Masked Men mistakes will surly last
Go now the time has come
No more chances the Masked Men are done
Turn away and feel the pain

The lonely walk to enter slumber
The Masked Men Smile with pleasures unknown
Another one down
A broken spirit lost
Close your eyes and take his hand
Let the Masked Men take you away

By: Tim Lundmark


Details | Free verse | |

The Evening Could Not Be Better

I fork my medium rare steak
And put it into my mouth
Everything is settled and nice
The evening could not be better
My husband insists I say the prayer
After all, he hasn’t the tongue to speak
I whisper, “God was never there”
And I listen for the slightest shriek
But like God, they are all silent
In unison of emptiness
The little ones eat so little these days, dear
With their silly ipods and cellphones
Daddy will agree in drones
They’re useless little pigs…
All of my children are so quiet
So well behaved—SILENT
 
You are so well behaved tonight…
I eat them all raw and stare
Daddy always wanted me to say the prayer
But without you…without you there
The evening could not be better
You useless Pig…


Details | Free verse | |

Unshed Tears

Slice me with your tongue,
Razor blade wounds,
To suck out all my poisens,
Sweet lonely lullaby,
Accusing eyes of sadism,
Picture perfect prodegy, 
My Deadly Sin,
A bitter taste of arson,
Burning in my vital organ,
Your the pyre that burns away my mortality,
A sip of tea made from Lilly of the Valley,
A shadow of Death stalking,
With odd angel like wings,
A Numbing kiss like Drowning in Morphine,
My Oblivion,
Sweet arms to rest in till my vision no longer holds,
Eyes neither like Hell nor Heaven,
Cocain Addiction,
That Drip of Drugs into your system,
Intoxicated blood stream,
I'd rather not dream,
And instead get lost within - Your paralysing,
Your Paralysing, Brain lapse,
Your moving too fast,
Stay slow and dreamy,
Dancing silhoutte,
Like a burning forest fire,
Pain throughout my veins,
Ravishing and Beautiful,
A voice torn from my throat,
Dying joyfully,
With my last sight of you. . .


Details | Free verse | |

Dear Me

Dear Me,

I need you to be stronger
I need you to never be afraid

swallow your pride,and your flight will be softer
tell her you love her,even if it hurts

Grab onto your dream and live it
Do not be afraid of the sun's divinity

Be better,love more, hold on.

Dear Me,

Enjoy every stop of the ride.
For when the train finally stops...we die

Until we witness the angels dance after final day...
Dear Me, hide your fears away


Details | Free verse | |

The Mirror

Confusion seeps in,
Next comes doubt. 
Is this happiness,
Is this what love is all about?
Please tell me i'm wrong,
tell me its all in my head. 
Darling I cant fight,
my thoughts win on this bloody night. 
My hand finds the knife,
my mind whispering that nothing is all right.
the mirror broke in front of me,
i'm counting my breath.
I'm falling fast now,
the blade is weeping.
You're haunting my reflection, 
the devil here for collection.
God forgive me, 
I plunge the knife into the glass,
my body erupts in pain, 
the knife plunged like a rock,
into this broken vein.
I heard the deep laughs,
I heard satan sing.
With one final scream
I greeted Hells eternity. 


Details | Free verse | |

Darkness Wraps My Pain

Darkness Wraps My Pain


I was born to this flesh 
A slayer in pain 
No regret, no remorse 
Gold and pleasure my gain 
I never wanted love 
Nor did I want joy 
I found death a trip 
Where I once was open
Now I hide in darkness 
A slayer of souls
Seeker of agony on all
Ageless shadows grace
My tomb within hell's
Ripping dungeons that
Eat the screams of
Torn bodies and cut
Out hearts scattered on 
The blood soaked floors
I was born a slayer 
A slayer that delights
In agony wrapped in anguish
his, hers , yours
give me a choice I
chose all.....

Robert Lindley
05, 23 1980

note: This is from long ago.
A very dark time in my life.
Must have been wasted because
no ryhme.. lol


Details | Free verse | |

What Makes You So Special

you need not be famous or rich 
you do not need special powers
to show off to others
but you are special 
you are unique
you are your own person
what you say matters 
you are willing to ask others for help
while searching desperately for your worth
you are willing to bare your soul
lay it out for all to see
asking for help says you desire acceptance 
your inner self shines 
stand tall, be powerful
you are strong and talented
sharing poetry from the heart
you are amazing 


Details | Free verse | |

The Tide's Tale

Wanting solitude I walked by the sea
Anxious sky, plunging surf , gulls calling..
            I left a trail of footprints in the sand.

I saw a ship far out, sails torn by the wind
It rolled and heaved and staggered…
            I left a trail of footprints in the sand.

I heard a ship went down that day
With never a  monument erected..
But I remember that lonely day
             And footprints in the sand


Details | Free verse | |

A Girl

As light leaves us,
the truth is unveiled.
A girl lies with sorrows unscaled.
To wither and die, 
without hope on her side.
She can no longer see a light,
to guide her through those forsaken nights.
She waits for a sign,
that all will come in line.
She is in pain,
with no one to help, all efforts sought in vain.
When will the girl see,
there are others like she.
Others share her pain, 
others like me.
Her light once pierced through the shadows,
it was a beacon through the night.
Now it is only a dying flame,
leaving the world to darkness,
cowering in shame.
A girl lies dying in her pain.


Details | Free verse | |

My Divide

Sitting here inside myself I suffer from the air around me as it steals my breath, Wonder if anyone notices this pain tormenting me so...I'm vulnerable around him and he can't even see it, this thing deep within, It burns so bad I can't stop it, My melody has left my soul as the inspiration abandons me with the sound of his footsteps leaving. Gone from my range of hearing, my knees buckle beneath me as I think of those who replace me, Those who are better off with him than I, My stars dull in the sky as my world falls apart, There is no light to break up this dark around me..No more looking at him to help spread my wings, They simply tremble an fall to the earth, His beauty no longer holds me up...this distance kills my heart every beat it takes, the fading of the colors engulf me I no longer see my dream.


Details | Free verse | |

Darkness Calling

Torment of lingering whispers from the ones we love stray in our minds, Each tear that breaks away our flesh cracks as it streams down our face, Their warm hug that once held us tightly in the cold and lonely days faded into the wind, You stand on the bridge looking down as the ice water rushes downstream, Shattering winds shred at our skin with horrid things on our mind of their touch from the lips you once knew so well, Your eyes close as you turn away from the water...hands embraced together as you hold you heart, One last tear slipping away as you plummet fast toward the ice, The splash engulfs you, The darkness beneath calling forth your body to the bottom as you drown in its abyss of ravaging wrath, So much pain we all live in we can only try to live with it and move on.


Details | Free verse | |

A Glimpse Within - I

The salt water
baubles washes
gently
upon the jetty sent
from lands distant.
Pushed by a hovering
yellow moon,
sometimes built into
thunderous waves
		of hurricanes.
Change comes rapidly
and dangerously
as the sea meets
yesterday coming
back.
It speaks to me and
it does say,
I give no quarter
and furthermore
              I ask
for none.
As I stare outward
at the placid waters
I feel heaviness
deep inside my
chest.
The sea has become
humanity to me,
With its powerful
and hushed rage,
		not seen before.
Heretofore I have
been persuaded
by wanderlust to
skim the surface,
to walk on by time
without end,
miss nothing that
may be something.
		I linger here.
The moon is playing
peek-a-boo,
reflection on the
water seems sad.
Stories are to be
told, perchance
to a much lesser
degree of now.
               But
not yet.
Ink-black dark, I
cannot see;
even Luna appears
quite uneasy.
The peaceful lapping
of water
distresses me; I
don't know why.
		Devouring soul?
So tranquil you
could hear a
tear drop, or a
salamander fart.
My nose detects an
exotic odor
Arabian sand carried
by wind.
               Wind
words. 
I squat on the rock
jetty,
look for ghosts;
probe my own.
My intimate séance
annoys
what I have kept
concealed..
		I see what I see.
The serene sea is a
patient anomaly,
so serene I fear
there are things
unsaid.
The night bitter
black when moon
hides,
I sense an
oppressing evil
attributed
		to dreams.


Details | Free verse | |

Inside Violence

The fog sets in as the gloom of pain and anger creep over the hill side reaching out to us, Engulfing our hearts and minds with hate towards the ones that cause us so much grief, Wishing we could step in and reflect the damage done to those we care so dear about, Unable to replace the horrid memories we sooth them as best we can, Digging deep within their souls trying to sew back each string bit by bit....Torment in our lives cause misery beyond belief, All we ask  for is pure joy and happiness, No such thing is bestowed upon anyone even those who deserve it, Stab the pain givers in their hearts with mental abuse of anguish in which they've given...make them suffer for the hurt they leave in their wake, Close your eyes...visions of how to ravage anothers body with your own torture deep within your mind, Actions wish to unleash such thoughts but alas we are stuck standing in front of the mirror as we bleed from the tear duct of our eyes, Hold strong be there for them...it's all we really can do anymore.


Details | Free verse | |

Against the Raging Now

Finger in the hole in the dike
Holding back vast volumes
Of raging emotions
Surely to sweep me away
I try some comforting
Favored music from my past
Grab a book
To distract my fear
Linger in the Black Hole
of despair
Reach out to memories
Misty unrealities
Sweet and sour
I pass another hour
Only the peace of sleep
And ultimately death
Will bring craved relief.


Details | Free verse | |

On Clouds High

Life is bountiful, pure and rich entwined around roots of corruption of tainted hate. Spreading ones wings means to be lifted by others to help them rise into the sky's above, Blissful is our soul ignited with fury of lustful woes, We take flight among the clouds soaring high above as the birds whisper in our ears songs of graceful fears, When all else fails and our wings fall fast our hearts keep us afloat in this big blue vast, Playing with the wind as it embraces us we twirl in its draft as the dark cloud lurks nearer, Dark in its deepest point the cold wind blows as trickling water falls from its abode, Landing on our flesh it smacks with great force knocking us breathless as we plummet to the earths floor, In these waking hours we are reminded that not all great things last, but that in some hard times there can be good times..even when pain may lead our sorrow into a happy place.


Details | Free verse | |

The Students into Terrorism

The students live in Peshawar
Which is city of flowers
University of terrorism.

The students don't know what is the religion
They don't understand about Jehad 
Actually they have no interest on these...

They love cricket, football, hockey, athletics, cartoon, movie
They read literature, science, history, geography, mathematics
They respect humanism with their god gifted smile
They write poetry about nature...

Unfortunately they are killed by some rented learned killers
The students were not enemy of the killers...

Both are victims by naked politics  
They become two faces of the world.

Believe me dear children
I am crying...
The soul of India is crying...
The Almighty is crying...

We are powerless in the world like you
We have only tears for you...

SANDIP GOSWAMI, INDIA


Details | Free verse | |

Finding Your Place

Silent in the darkness of each breath..inhaling this air we feed to the lungs within the beast of our inner torment, Ever cautious ever alert our presence creeps across the meadow as the mist protrudes from around us.. If only this demon could be sworn off, killed and defeated, left and feeling nothing to suffer in its own mindlessness, Yet we stand as it rips, tears and grows within us.. Changing our souls for everything it was once worth to something it turns into pure hate in a nightmare of a world, If we can't be ourselves...Then who can we truly be, We walk a fine line as the edge slips away from us we stumble to find ourselves within fighting off this beast...nothing we can do....nothing anyone can do...less we kill off the demon with the blade of our pure selves ripping its heart out and feeding it to our gorge of an abyss, If we can't be ourselves..then why try to be anything at all....haha..you will never be anything of any worth till you fend off the one thing that binds you to your own hate..your anger merely feeds it giving it strength as it grows within you, Stay strong and make the demon bleed...there's no rest for the wicked things that linger in your lives.


Details | Free verse | |

Indifferent

My pen, once again, drawn to the paper
In words, I find little relief, allowing no reprieve for myself
What shall be yielded?
Everything, yet nothing
You; me
Everyone, yet nobody
All being exists only in my words to me

I watch as the ink dissipates from my pen 
I reach for a second pen certain peace will rise from the blank paper 
Like a Phoenix from a great flame
Exhausting it is

What might my agenda be, you ask
It is peace I seek alone 
I find myself in unknown territory
As a glimpse of truth passes me, although it be slight 

Once again, here I sit 
My only friend? Words.
I search for peace
Yet, I find nothing but self loathing
Searching for everything; finding nothing 
Finding myself, while losing myself

The end is familiar 
No honesty
No happiness 
Barren of peace 
Merely indifferent


Details | Free verse | |

I Just

A lifeless body
A hollow shell of what once was
She once spoke with passion
Laughed at a simple joke
She loved fiercely
An unconditional love
She was so happy
Shone brightly from the inside out
But then it all changed
She spoke scarcely
They saw sadness in her eyes
Eyes that shimmered with unshed tears
What had happened to this girl
Why had she lost her shine
Now she lays motionless on the ground
The blood pools under her
She's curled up
As if to ward off cold
Written on the wall are bright red letters
"I just wanted some one to care"


Details | Free verse | |

The missing me

With shadows in the dark,
Facing atrocities of the cold,
Yet drenched in the sweat,
I walk down the street

Am bound to follow what others passed by,
Crime it is as if else I try,
Tears follow the path of my cheek,
And it’s the only way my eyes speak,
Lips of mine when turn dry.

I smile I really try to,
To be happy as if I was made to,
I speak of something I don’t know
But there’s what my heart knows,
That’s what my eyes ponder,
And that’s what untold but true,
Yes I know,
Yes I do,
I am missing me in me,
Yes I know,
Yes I do,
I am missing being me……….


Details | Free verse | |

Dementia

He was always so happy
strong and bold.
He'd give you the shirt off of his back.
Tough.
Independent.
He had a rough life
growing up through the depression,
but like he always does,
he got through it.
He has two boys, of whom he is so proud.
Moved from Regina, to Victoria.
He had the best life anyone his age could have wanted.
But ever since his wife died, 
he has not been the same.
Sad
Lonely
Empty.
But like he has always done,
he got through it.
Mind slipping, 
just a little forgetful.
That's how it always starts out...
But like always, he powered through it, 
until now...
He is not the same person that I used to know.
He been sentenced to the prison in his own mind.
Possessed by the thoughts of his dogs ashes.
He likes to play the blame game,
but we know he doesn't remember that it was him.
He wakes up in the night
shaking with pain, 
tears streaming down his face.
There is nothing we can do,
Oh well...
Two more tylenol.
Hold on to hope
for as long as you can,
It's only a matter of time now.
He gets vocal, a very loud tone.
He'll block you in your room
and make false accusations
But we know that it's the pain induced monster in him.
Tick tock, tick tock...
You can't handle the stress anymore
you have to leave.
Just hope for the best, 
maybe it will get better.
Surprise, it doesn't.
Your denial is foolish, everyone knows 
what happens next.
Sedation
Medication
Anger
Hurt
All results of
dementia


Details | Free verse | |

An Early, Experimental Poem of Alternate Lines

The mirror reflects, obliquely,
a peculiar yellow butterfly -- it flutters, flutters
the specks of black my beard is made of
on the breeze.  A daffodil hangs down its treasure
and I spread shaving cream, in great white puffs,
shielding from the wind and rain its yellow
across my face.  The nose protrudes, ridiculous
excrescence.  A leaf half green sweeps up in circles
in the whiteness all around.  A weak chin, think I,
of windy sighs.  Squirrels crack acorns, crunching,
down into a patchy neck.  Very unsatisfactory
remembering winter's almost famine.  The trees --
appearance.  Altogether so.  Oh well.
Quiet.  Steady.  Sturdy.  Oh well.
The mirror reflects, but not uniquely.


Details | Free verse | |

Moments In Time

The sweetest sounds of burning trees
A gentle stroking in the breeze
The calm has lasted past the storm
Cloudy visions, Satan’s roar
Too many sights have passed my way
A time found only in the haze
The softest screams are running bare
My aching bones creak as I stare

You walk a distance towards me
The fall’s eternal, can’t you see?
I’m a memory in your heart
I whisper to you in the dark

The battle’s started at the end
No one is coming to repent
The sinners grab their wine from prey
No judgment calling here to stay
The sport is reckless to be told
The one is laughing at his souls
It falters nowhere to be sure
The power grows forevermore
Like a spirit in the wind
I have no say in where you’ve been 
But cross the line to come to me
And pay the price for ecstasy

You walk a distance towards me
The fall’s eternal, can’t you see?
I’m a memory in your heart
I whisper to you in the dark. 


Details | Free verse | |

THE SKY

THE SKY 


Oh! Sky the lonely heart
Dwelling upon my untiring soul
Lost with an unspoken word.
Fountain of misery teaches him
That defiant endurance…
Oh! Sky the lonely soul
The creatures fly and obey
But the hollowness prevails.
The Sun burns him with anguish
Yet he weeps with pride.
Oh! Sky my undeniable hero
You made me the undefeated queen,
But I remained lost in my thoughts of isolation!
Now I wish to merge in you
Come my hero …my sky!


Details | Free verse | |

It Can't Be Real

A truth in rage of insult furrows my mind
For it is only an offense given to me by myself
In the mouths of others far innocent than I
I feel the tears trickle down my cheeks
For I have surfaced into an ugly mistake
I am always inadequate in this brain
I try to shine like the advice of grace given
But confidence rarely rears its head my way
There’s a sort of shade blocking its way
A shade that darkens everyday

That very shade led me to believe my feelings are wrong
That I will never belong so long as they are not controlled
I must be careful—for the lines of love and lust run cold
I hate myself truly this night
And no one but myself will give me the right
The very right to degrade my every being
Because you are not seeing what I am seeing

There is no point
My lines run cold
Can I be so bold as to say
I still love with a pang of indistinguishable doubt 
All feelings enter in
As my truth blurs and checks out

Your words pierce me so deep
I cannot describe the pain I feel
God it hurts so bad
It can’t be real

Much like the love I have come to embrace
The very love that links to your face
Tears don’t give it justice

It can’t be real
Much like the love I will never face


Details | Free verse | |

A Letter To Mrs. Frankenstein PhD

Tonight I speak to you,
with a sober mind that
keeps my memories vivid,
and a melancholy mood
that reflects the deepest
darkest depths of my
dangerous depression,
Sealed with heartache

 Stamped with the hurtful
indiscretions of a man made
ignorant by the reality of a 
loss that eradicated his soul,
Be it prudent to allow my
reminiscence to fade into 
the infinite background of
forgotten brooded teenage angst

My memories are empowered
by love, and by such an emotion,
have denied my will and become
personified to the point of eternal
embodiment, grabbing my tongue
and squeezing out ink used to
express the immortal affection of
its own first and only creed,

Thus by the mutual compassion
once held by our hearts alike,
The monster of your imagination
was born to a world incapable of
comprehending the love of a 
creature for the love of his creator,
A creature who hides his face
for he is hideous without you,

Crushed by the harrowing
lightening strike of being 
condemned to a life without
the bolt of love that gave him
breath, he becomes the lost,
Yet he devotedly searches for you,
as I do, as we both breakdown
screaming and crying out loud,
in harmony, "Creator, please...
Love me again.."


Details | Free verse | |

Silence

I'm troubled by the silence in my ear.....
the tremble in my throat.
The loudness in my ideals.


My throat is thickened with grief 
it sleeps with blindness.
My scraped arm is the mark of sorrow   
riddled by delusion.


This cry, that weakens the knee of the beggar
who scrambles from the wet silence of despair.
I feel trapped by the wolves that bite at the bitten.


Shake my hand,
feel my last pulse.


Weakness seems to be the keeper of my strength.
I look to fight in the hostel of my defeat.
The shock of my descent jostles my approach.
I circle my anger to confuse my bitterness.

Should I curse Tomorrow to forsake Today?
Stillness is everywhere covered with the cloak of my sanity.
Noise from my heart riddles in the darkness.
Why am I troubled by the silence in my ear?
The tremble in my throat








Details | Free verse | |

Tension Waiting

The swordsman who draws his blade
Heart racing at the keening of steel on scabbard 
Tension coiled, poised for the unleashing
Held back by muscles tight with glee.

I am as the soldier, held in stance,
The lioness crouched beneath the concealing grass
As it sways back and forth, as insects sing along the day
Her every breath is halted, her veins do not pulse,
And just as the swordsman stands
They are statues in this moment,
Statues of derision,
Mocking, with their stillness, the very charged tension within.

And I am as the lioness frozen before her pounce
Coiled with motivation and purpose,
And I am as the tongue held with words clinging off its’ edge
Ready to lash out and strike with direction
But I am as the frozen purpose, held tight
Waiting, for a warrior to stand before me
For a reason to uncoil, to lash out with words and pounce.

But I am now as the pen halting before the purest of paper
White and supple, in askance for the lightest touch
A slash of the tip, drawing lines in ink
Lines like a hunter’s bowstring, taut with intent,

As the pen lies frozen above its prey, the falcon petrified aloft still winds
I am the need coiled tight like a wound jack in the box
But alas, there is no victim to frighten,
No pray to pounce upon, no sword or bared neck to slash against
And I am here, with pen frozen, ink ready to be drawn taut
And I have nothing to draw in the ink, no prey or purpose to evoke
I am coiled tight with energy, but it is release that so eludes me,
I am coiled tight with purpose, but it is direction that so denies me.

And here I am, pouncing at ground before me, 
Slicing away at the air around me
Scratching away with a dry pen, on paper still white in askance
I write about…
I write about the coil within, and the lack without
And alone I wonder,
Is it enough, is it enough to go on, a wound up box
Waiting for the slightest touch, the weakest parry, to live.


Details | Free verse | |

Shock and Awe, Coming Back Home

My friends come home draped in flags 
I pause at the edge of the airplane door
Facing a tunnel leading me to a muffled joy
Strangers tell me I am related to them...
I deny a woman with three kids... her kiss
My friends are slipping in trucks with flags
They are loaded and back doors explode shut...
..............................................................

I wake up in a trench of blood and clean pillows
The same woman from the airport next to me
 Peacefully breathing...and I thought she was dead...
I think I am finally home, fans are not propellers
Camouflage doesn't bear swing sets in backyards
My friends' helmets, guns and boots line up in my head
Patrolling with weapons made of aluminum foil
-------------------------------------------------

There is too much silence for a dead soldier walking...
I think I FEEL the kiss of the woman with three kids ...








Details | Free verse | |

Pay Attention

Pay attention
~~~~~~~~~~
Just when she thinks the coast is clear
In walks the ghost with a smile and a can of beer
“Come over here - let me tell you a story”
“Sit on my lap - you don’t have to worry”
“Do as I say and it won’t be gory”
 
Pay attention
~~~~~~~~~~
As the ghost tells his bed time story
Strokes her hair and tells her not to worry
Listening to this ghost and his horrific sounds
Her body is stiff, her heart pounds 
She tries not to cry as his pants begin to round

Pay attention
~~~~~~~~~~
“You know I love you” the story begins
“Don’t tell mommy” the story ends
Back in bed alone in the dark
The ghost and his beer have left their mark
An innocent “bedtime story” is how it all starts

Lay

**Submitted to Crystal Wilkins Childhood Memories Contest
*Won 2nd place




Details | Free verse | |

Deaf and Gone

I am whatever you say I am...
but, let's get back to reality...

       Three short years ago, this room shined welcome mats across a screen of doldrums.
A place of unfamiliarity that screamed, 
"You don't belong!"
Yet, a voice of reason spoke and said,
"Expand yir' roots. Venture beyond the comfort zone. Academia resides inside that room, but know you won't be alone."
Repeatedly,brainwaves declined what my wife and editor had told me.
I'd say,
"no way, I'm givin' up my soul for free, they read, they pay, like it's always been, the way it's going to always be!"
Unbeknownst to me one day, and with a slight of hand, my "Open Sores" were put on display and surprisingly more than a handful of great ladies and nice guys began to give feedback on what I had devised. 
This interaction was something very new, helpful, and impressive. For a change, it was something real.
For years, those around me were quick to give praise with hidden reasons. Constructive criticism is amazing, and I welcomed being corrected or set straight.
Now there are those who choose to shut me down without explanation, and call me names.
DO NOT mistake me for sophomoric! These words bleeding from my guts have no style and need no approval. There is no thinking involved here, no plan. If you don't like it, fine...don't censor or bracket me in. So what if I am illiterate?  If you don't like "street poetry" or the pathetic stuff I write, don't read it. If I offend you, tell me.
We should welcome those who are different than us. 
Words of truth inspire movement, like fire.
I came to this room to expand my horizons, step outside the box, learn, help, grow. 
There will be no apologies dealt for being different, or for being labelled as something uncomfortable to you. 
This has been an ok room so far, but there is some clique trickanery going on.
If the dictionary must come into play, let me recommend looking up the term "Poetic License."
True, I may not be the writer you prefer, or aspire to be....but tread carefully my friend, for you have no idea of my profession. I've made a fine living, for a good long time, spewing words onto paper. I came from nothing, and may still be nothing to you...still, I do what I love, have no boss.
I am not an aspiring writer who dreams of a life, I live my dream. In conclusion, I must wish you luck in finding what you peddle poetry for. Until then, keep 


Details | Free verse | |

Myself in Urban Chaos

Here I go again, focused on myself.
Remembering, analyzing,
Memorializing tragedy.
Thinking, endless thinking.
Suicides, death of grandmas, past loves.
Pining about passions and losses.
The condo I had to let go.
The jobs I left behind.
And the cemetery lots.
My mind wonders around in circles.
From darkness to darkness, city to city,
Job to job, decision to decision 
My children, I embrace with love.
Those years riddled with joys and pains.
Trying, always trying, 
Yet, still disappointed.
Clinging to religion, remembering God.
Accepting –
Then, the child in me curls up
Safe in my warm cocoon,
And I think of you in the next room.
Life made new, fear subdued.
The touch of your hand, my confidence renews.
That forever love so long wanted, found at last.
The pressures I once knew moved to the past.
To the outside world I say adieu.
I was lost in the hollow of myself.
Outside of myself, I found peace. 
Memories blot out urban chaos
And focus on woodland happy days.
Struggles not so painful anymore.
Peace found its hope in you.
…And then, we spoon.

Copyright January 15, 2014

Written for Poetry Soup member contest: Contemporary Figurative Artiste Stephanie Deshpande in Contemporary Free Rhyme Free Poetry Contest 
Sponsored by Cyndi MacMillan.

Inspired by Stephanie Deshpande’s portrait of a Sleeping Child http://www.stephaniedeshpande.com/porfolio/


Details | Free verse | |

I'm Your King

A burst of white light gamma rays, overbearing a flash of brilliance burns through to my soul everything is like hell the world starts to melt in the blink of an eye just the cold blackness of night I don't care if I am not again what I once was, for at this moment I am greater now than ever before I took the path between teetering, tight roping walking right up to my right divined in my unholy state I thought I told you I am your king still you sit there, hesitating I know you hate me what does that mean? I hate just about everything still I'm chosen I did not wish before now bow down to me refuse me no more for I shall always be your demon until you accept me as your King. I don't even know you though you say we used to be best of friends, you and me the day you ditched me I remember now exactly how it played out back when we were just tiny things even back then I still was King you thought me stupid just a ruse I would laugh inside, you see? not one of you single, mean people ever even knew me in a world, mostly seen to me that is why only I can be your true King and bring forth a new source of light everlasting. As two worlds collide slowly aligned one wrapped in shadows one bathed in white evils swirling in the clouds above I'll always be the king you love to hate or despise as in your blood I thought I told you, I am the one I am the way, the way out shall be shown breathe in my spirit as it carries you away breathe in my faith it shall carry your empty space and deposit you gently on a cloud just enough higher than you've ever dreamed of for I am king now, and your in my hell your in my imagination, I'll just never tell you'll feel as though dreaming, you'll feel now if you try and see you were always found the most shared in the light cast upon me the last bright star in heaven. Denounce my name, if you may One year later, still not afraid A black sheep, a darkened spade That's just life, I'm not right I'm in the wrong, follow along Like a piper, I'll pitch a song Mesmerized, the weak wills sing I thought he told you, he's still our king.


Details | Free verse | |

The Scrapbook that I can't throw away

Still frames with dead eyed memories.
Magic marker’d promises;
open ended lies
that I can’t seem to forget.
No matter how far I bury this thing
inside my closet. You always find your 
way back, with a smile blooming
like a drunken rose. 
Fingers run to the edge
of our little world’s grave yard;
flipping the nights over..
Trying to find the picture;
 a moment that will sate 
the hunger of regret.
But I haven’t found it yet..
-James Kelley 2013 All rights reserved


Details | Free verse | |

Shade of Ulysses Butterfly

Her head tilted back towards the darkened clouds,

Mocha curls rests on shoulder blades,

Lids shut tight hiding emerald eyes shedding crystals,

Water rushed from the grey sky,

Shades of ulysses butterfly flooded over flesh,

The drops pierced her tender pores,

Seeping under her pale skin,

Merging with her spirit as one,

Then remained.


Details | Free verse | |

Summer Perdition

A sheet of glass, this expanse of water.
How its tranquillity mocks my unrest.

Colourful beach balls and balloons
travel the park in diminutive hands.

Bodiless voices call in the sun
and bounce off these sizzling surfaces.

It is not surprising I wear cool clothing
and masquerade serenity.

Swollen laburnum pods harbour their horror -
wombs cradling their malignancies.

Such outward masks of innocence!
And the leaves of the willow

mournfully fish the water that stretches into distance
further than vision.

Blossom strews the ground like confetti.
A green leaf anchors in my hair.

*

At the station things roll into vision -
travelling paraphernalia, fluorescent strip lighting.

I ride the escalator unsteadily.
I am concealing the necessary:

cakes of soap, folded fabrics -
appurtenances of normality.

My respectable patent heels tap hollowly
over the cobbles, the cracked paving stones.

These old garden walls
wear thin skins of lichen now.

Sunlight winks on windowsills,
glittering white paint and ceramic bowls of plants.

Wallflowers scramble up the trellis,
shockingly yellow,

their pollen cloying the air.
Canvas chairs create a Neapolitan facade:

pastel stripes sitting on pink.
One paisley curtain is fluttering

from a high open window.
Already your tenuous grip lets go.

What throttling helplessness in the throat...
Frantic fingers sift and pick over

the desperate possibilities
contained in the musty depths of suitcases,

the shadows of cool stone cottages.
These walls retain the scent of bergamot,

reminiscent of relinquished summers,
the redolence lingering in the pastel decor.

*

There is no anchor in this terrible sea.
Counsellors bring the modest comforts of select words,

cultivated smiles and cups of tea.
They attempt to smother my fear.

Cheap chipped crockery
and scalding spirals of steam.

Rings encircle these defenceless fingers
that crawl over the tea trays like insects -

cold quoits, surgical silver.
Rubies and sapphires bear testimony to obscene betrayal.

In the hollow months an emptiness will tug at me
like dragging menstrual aches.

Young limbs lie useless and inert,
motionless under starched coverlets.

Something predatory prowls the floor.
A phantom protection is all I claw.


Details | Free verse | |

Regrets

love is so hard to requite
when sin has killed desire
where there was once a desprite need
now the smoke of an extinguished fire
the empire where there was a throne
that sparkled with streets of gold
crumbled into disrepair
a slum of dry rot, mildew and mold
love was an idol truely a god to behold
a million promises to ones self
over and over told
dilusions of grandure 
and hopes that lured the way
a blindness created 
that explained iniquities away
an unselfish giving as love would endure
a life style of living 
with a dream soundly secured
writen in stone this thing so pure 
proteceted by my love so sure
until that day... until that day
yet i have never stoped loving you
with all my power
i cannot pause my affection 
for one single hour
mine is to suffer endlessly
and to never forget your name
from this day forward 
I'll always feel the same
i'll always take you back 
no matter what you do
it's a given fact
that i'll always love you
no matter what you are to me
you'll always have my heart
no matter what you do to me 
you'll always own a part
so with this wounded heart
i still give my life to you
with a foolish heart
i swear my love to you


Details | Free verse | |

Today Not Tomorrow

I have been untrue
To myself and to my heart
I waited for the questions to answer themselves
I waited for the possible to become probable
I cowered down behind shadows
Even they shied away
I cowered down behind lies
Even they unravelled
I cowered down behind those cowards
Even they left in disgust
Beneath the slime and muck of time
I lie shivering in the cold
Today I have said I, but never you
Selfish is the soul that speaks
To itself as it leaks
Lies and deceit upon the shelves
Shelves covered with hearts in jars
These hearts that cry out the truth
Their own echo is all they hear

I avoided the truth
I avoided confrontation
Today I opened a door
Only to shut another
Time is a whore
Time is the whore we all know
The whore that stole it all
Bottle up a heart in a jar
She will reopen it some day
As she has reopened secrets
As she has stolen them back
As she has taken my ego
As she has taken my confidence

Today I wait
As I have waited before
A day passes as time laughs
As shadows scurry
As lies fall apart
As cowards roar
As time cleans out
I shiver more

My love to you is ebbing
A wait after another
I question my wait, how I rot in this seat
I question my wait as I hide behind deceit
And yet I thank you
For on this day I know
I have wasted away before your gaze
And your recognition is yet awaited
Today I watch you get stolen away
And hope for time to repeat
For if only a second before I could have reached for you
But now I wait
To wait again
I am selfish
I have watched
I have gazed
I have dreamt
I have wondered
I have left you there in that dark alley awaiting my arrival
And I say

If only this seat had wheels
If only this dreamer had heart
Now I wait, for the moment I will rise
And I wait

For the moment you shall beckon
I shall cast my shadow upon the steps
I shall shed my skin of lies
I shall roar with vigor from within the cowering forms of many
And time shall stare with awe
Wings I shall grow
And together we shall soar
Through days and nights we shall dance
As time bleeds its envious blood
Today I ask for you at my side
Tomorrow I shall be there at yours
This selfish capsule of a soulless trap
Shall be a soul once more
With all those forms casting shadows
Soaring above the clouds of dreamers
Paired off, laying on the moon
Howling for the world to hear
Today not tomorrow
I shall be true

© Samir Georges 
2005


Details | Free verse | |

POP

He fills me 
Like a supermarket
Bubble gum dispenser
With black eyes
Of condescension
Give me a dime
Eye will give you

A glance 

That will POP
Your bubble


6/12/12


Details | Free verse | |

Emotional Turbulence

The voices grow louder, Intensifying with emotion, anger lining every aggressive word. My insides squeeze tighter as the vitriol poisons my mind, How does such hostility exist? As the sound of hatred deepens, The feelings strengthen their grip, like a vice, So tight, I can no longer breathe All the negative emotions I have ever felt, fill me, Threatening to overflow. So long have they been banished… Enough. No more! My mouth opens, An earsplitting scream of pain and suffering shatters the silence, Sobs of sorrow and grief wrack my body, Murderous shrieks of anger and hate, Wretched cries of self-pity and self-loathing, Poison the air. Now, free of these emotions. But the monster still exists Within the dark depths of my mind.


Details | Free verse | |

Hounds from Hell

Hounds from Hell take their toll on your soul
as you walk the mainstreet of mainstream
and watch Saturn and Neptune dance to a simple tone
of silence in the outer space.
As you sit in the middle of the world
alone;
free yourself from the sense of hopelessness,
only see yourself in the mirror of deception
as your reflection laughs at you and looks right through you,
and doesn't have remorse for what it says or does to you.

Hounds from Hell take your soul,
chock you, cut of your air,
the smog and fog blind you in the city of ash.
Hear the hounds from hell howl for your soul,
go now, barracade your soul behind sins and temptation,
Alone, listening to your soul die away,
watch love go away from you, with suitcase in hand,
picture frames broken and collect dust through the sands of time.
Till the cleaning lady comes on Monday, to clean the mess
that you left behind.
You are gone, without a trace of ever returning.
Looks of the Hounds of Hell came for you and stole you from
comfort and warmth,
till the sorrowed heart cracks and pain spills out
and you look at it all spill out over the floor.
The Hounds from Hell have paid a consumable harmage to you,
and your rich soul of sorrowness burns away... slowly.

Fear darkens souls,
innocent souls burn with a new day,
a slumber that has no end
with nightmares haunting every light of hope
there is left in this desolate Wasteland.
Fear and darkness tears a hole in the darkened universe
and we all go to hell to see the Hounds,
who come for us all.
The graveyards fill,
and death guards the tombstones of the dead,
and the flowers burn away on the feet of the dead.

-10/14/2013-


Details | Free verse | |

Love them and share with them...the poor and needy......

World is amazing,as described by philosophers
but...what actually in world is amazing
The suffering,of those caught by the waves of fate.
Why there are rich and poor,
god could have created only rich!
Then why did he do so,to make the world balanced.
Rich can serve poor by loving them and giving them,
so they are blessed with more.
Poor can survive with the help of rich.
Balance which is needed,created by our god...but, 
is it followed ?
Rich are becoming more rich and poor are still in the hands of poverty
Condition of world is wonderful.
God, fooled by the rich.
The balance of world is lost..
World fears god...its shivering is heard in many parts.
Help the world god.....please..


Details | Free verse | |

The Wasteland -Part 1-

How can one express the baffling depths of obscurity? How can one behold to open the shafts of the mind? I have never been able to solve the mystery— Of myself. . . I wish at times that my life was no more That I could live as another and finally see things right But I am always stuck in this darkness And I cannot see this mind in light There are beasts. . .demons prowling through the wasteland Searching for any remaining life And if they are ever found— They are doomed and consumed Fear is their downfall and they never fail to smell it Their ashes remain, dancing with the imaginary breeze It is silent here—there are no answers I wish there were answers. . . But maybe there was never a reason No answers. . . Talons extend and clench around my heart They will never seek me out—they left me here It is like they knew…I had no reason—that was the answer I feel the pulse of my dangling life Alone in the dark, whimpering like a child I have scared myself, becoming this dragon-daggered youth No balm in Gilead! No eyes to see All I know will never be free I don’t need anyone! You are a disgrace—scum of the waste! You have everything, you ungrateful little nothing You are a joke. . . So swallow it all up like the pushover you are Stand your lowest and trudge right through No questions. No answers. Just . You. Or just lie back down into the mush of disease It has already infected you to the core Accept who you are, you ugly pestilence! I hate you Who are you to be glorified? Dream snatcher. . .murderer of all things bright Saturated in what you call light I see right through—even as the reflections shatter All of the dead kept you alive—they all matter… But alive you are the worst there is False savior—edited attention whore I never want to see your face again See, that’s why I hide. . . Desperation. . .desperation. . . I sob and cry kneeling in defeat For once I am right. . .I am right


Details | Free verse | |

Bystander

As you sit in your car
All dressed in black.
 You know,
It didn’t have to end like this
Now as you think back you remember
The faint white scars etched in her fair skin
And the timid smile that hid years of despair
 You remember that time your friends saw her crying in the hall
You sat there and laughed as they tortured her
The times you saw her sitting alone at lunch
She looked up at you with pleading eyes
“Hey, can you help me,” they said.
You thought about it , but instead you pretended you didn’t see her
And you left her there, sad and alone
That pleading look now haunts you
It begged somebody, anybody for help
But why should you commit social suicide for her?
You just kept walking away, selfish
Now though, you think back to those boring assemblies
About bullying and what it could lead to
Why didn’t you just listen?!
Maybe you could have spoken up, or found her help
Its too late now though, as you walk up to her casket
To say your first and last words,
To a girl, whose real name
You never cared to learn
“I’m sorry…”


Details | Free verse | |

A Reason

She's got words on her arms
In the language of a broken heart
And they say
They say I wanna be loved 
But I don't know how 
I wanna dream 
Haven't done it in a while
I wanna smile
Won't somebody give me 
A reason?



Author's note: This is a poem about a close friend of mine. The "words on her arms" are an analogy, for well, cuts. She wouldn't talk to me much at the time, but I saw them and that was all that really needed to be said, since she knew she couldn't fool me. Anyway, that was the inspiration for this.
She is doing much better now, by the way, in case anyone was concerned...


Details | Free verse | |

Alone in my mind

Have you ever cried?,
Felt your mind go loose 
As you lose sanity.
The people around you
Slowly shrinking until
They vanish into thin air

Silence screaming in your ears
Then solitary you find yourself
Glimpses of you being normal
Pazzling your mind like a math 
test.

An awkward silence after anther
You could berely tell who you 
are.

Have you ever felt a pain so 
deep?,
Your heart drowns in all the 
misery.
Anger consumes you
Then followed by a tantrum
That could last a life time.
All the good memories
Have been reduced to one 
sweet nightmare
Irradiating on what your life 
should have been.


Details | Free verse | |

Life Story

I was beaten
With a belt or a hand
Time after time
When I supposedly did wrong
They never warned
Just did
They don't care
So why should I
This is my life story
And I've chosen
Chosen the dark road
They always pushed me
Told me to do my best
But my best was never goo enough
They beat
They yelled
But not once did they ever think
That it would effect me
From 1-13 I have no recollection of happiness
There's a gap of where my memories should be
This is my life story
Cut short


Details | Free verse | |

I Once Loved the Sun

In those younger years
I made a friend of the sun
And allowed her to bathe me
In brown creamy skin

In those younger years
I ran across a beach
And played with the sun
Let her sprinkle freckles
Upon my healthy golden cheeks

In those younger years
I had my way 
With the sun
Took her in so many 
Different positions
Under the burn of her sultry touch

In those younger years
I  traveled to exotic climes
Just to enter my sunshine heaven
And soak up her glow

But the cave I now inhabit
Shuts out all the warming rays
The cave in which I hide
Repels all her sunny ways

The cave I made from earth and  
Resignation
Never lets her kiss within
The cave I excavated
Collapses upon my daily sins

In those younger years

I once loved the sun


Details | Free verse | |

Distress

I don’t know how much more I can take,
I just want it all to go away.
Should I even be here right now?
Should I be alive?
Do I deserve to exist?
Why am I even here?
It’ clear I’m not wanted
I can hear it in your voice
In the names I’m called
In the way I’m treated
So why do I bother?
Why do I continue to torture myself?
With being around you all?
I know why,
Because I thought we were a family
But we clearly aren’t
I am not wanted
I am worthless
I am ugly
I am a burden
I just want to die…sometimes


Details | Free verse | |

Life or Death

As long as I can remember,which is about 40yrs,
I have always felt different.I have a different
outlook on how life should be.People think that
I use my mental illness as an excuse for the things
I do or how I think.I can only wish it was an excuse.
I will do anything to not have to live like I do now.
Anything includes leaving the physical world to
search for final peace,what ever that might be.I
have yet to find anything I enjoy or makes me
happy.I have lost a lot of important people that
I needed to succeed.I have lost my way and unsure
if I can find my way back.I don't trust anyone including
myself.I don't know how to express myself in the right
way so I don't get the help I need.Suicide is in my
thoughts daily.At times it consumes me.It has become
the poems I write,the music I listen to,the paper's I
read.It's everywhere.I am having dreams about driving
off a cliff only to awake just before.I don't feel like my
life is meant to be.Every road I follow leads me to a dead
end.I am only a burden.I love my kids and grandchildren
but feel I am holding them back.I do know how it feels
to lose your parents but if I stay around it will make it
harder for everyday life.It's not fair to anyone to go
through everyday being miserable.We all die someday.
I think it would be unique to die on your birthday.Mine
is coming up.I know that no one will believe it was an
accident and I am sorry.I know deep in my heart it is
better this way.Everyone tells me they just want me to
be happy.I can't seem to find happiness here.

                 Now I must make a final decision,
                         
                                Life or Death.
                                May 16,2013

                         
                            



Details | Free verse | |

Broken Butterfly Wings

Broken Butterfly Wings
Empty playground swings
tear filled, wide-eyed
Infants sigh
a choking stolen 
silence fills my being
as my love walks away
from me
I see everything wrong
with the world
once more


Details | Free verse | |

Romeo and Juliet (Our Story)Pt 2

Years and years have been lost to time, thousands of days,
 nights, and morrows seen and despised out of immense ache,
The Juliet of my early youth is no more, transformed into a
stranger, yet my love dies not! Though I plead and beg for
her to recall and rekindle the love affair of many moments ago,
She bears news of her plans of wedded bliss to another, news that
I curse my eyes for seeing, ears for hearing, and heart for knowing
is true! With desolate heart and soul, corrupted mind, and disregard
of future as that of a mad man, I fall to my knees and scream,
"God and heaven alike, I defy and deny you both! For no
father of mine would rip asunder my motivation for humanity!
Nor does any paradise remain alive without her presence!"

Be it his decree that I hurt for eternity both alive and deceased
then be it my decree that his life and love never was!
Thus I have become what I am, with no rue nor shame,
For I am not the tender Romeo that once lived and breathed,
No more do I dwell in her heart or mind, and no more do I wish
any essence of a Romeo dwell inside my soul, for my Juliet
is buried and lost in abundances of new days. No day, nor night,
nor morrow is good for me, Sans trust, Sans faith, Sans morality,
Sans love do I wish to have or hold, Dead but still breathing I am,

Condemned to memories and dreams of  elated yesteryears, 
denying my own will, but loyal to that promise which cannot
be broken by even the cold lifelessness of heartache, I shriek,
and yawp, and yell, and raise my voice beyond the sting of pain, as
I wake each night, bleeding the same sound from my lips,
"Juliet!, Juliet!!, Juliet!!!" Repeated until my eyes are dry and
my voice is drained to the most silent of whispers, I force out,
over tears, over ache, over agony, over all, in one last breath,
"Juliet"


Details | Free verse | |

Want to live,but no bread for me

Iam Hungry...Thirst is uncontrollable
It nearly kills me,Cries a poor one..
A dirty wasteland that is his home
but its a heaven for him,His mom
sick in the bed,He is handicapped.
Worms are eating his skinny body,NOBODY to help him!
He is helpless...he want to live 
But waiting for death,Help him god i pray to you....


Details | Free verse | |

The Stars Are Mine Tonight

I guide my body,
but my soul I do not.
My mind.
My feelings.
They've slowly broken apart.

The darkness screams at me,
trying to reel me in.
"they're gone," they say.
"you're nothing but pitty and sin."

Though most think it's hard to step foot in this place,
it takes true strength to find another way.

As the black swallows me whole,
I see a million bright lights.
I lay there in my sorrow,
and know the stars are mine tonight.

Somehow they -- uniquely twinkling --
take my feelings on adventures to slow my breathing.

They strongly look through me,
and have my mind soaked
with things like courage, and happiness, and hope.

I lay there for hours until their vivid wisdom fades.
the dreadful transition of night to day.

When the sun gradually peaks over the horizon,
I notice the pain in my hand from clenching my knife.
But as the light shines upon me,
the only feeling I have is the feeling of life.

I stand face to face with the greatest star of all.
Feeding off of its power, I break down my wall.

The sun shows me the paths that I have to choose from,
but it's up to me to choose the right one.

I'm ready to cut ties with the sadness I hold.
I shall live my life right and pick the right way to go.

I'm eager for night to fall,
to show them that they were right.
They all found their way.
The stars are mine tonight.


Details | Free verse | |

In Her Fathers Arms

The evening star glowing in a dust choked sky. A girl stands by a window, with a tear in her eye. She stares at the scene, hardly visible through the grime. She whispers in the wind, “Bring my Dad home this time” She opens the window, and climbs outside, Having a flashlight, in her hand, as her guide. Its glow shows the sides of the street. She’s afraid for what the light will meet Bodies piled everywhere she turns, She wants to go home, and never return. What brought this fate upon her town? All her emotions are stripped and torn down. A frightening sound explodes in her ear. Shadows in the road now appear. She run and hides behind a broken wall Praying to god the rest doesn’t fall. Footsteps coming closer to her She can’t tell who because it’s all a blur She backs away further so not to be seen in light, Quieting her heart pounding from fright. Gun shots and screams fill the air, All these sounds, her ears couldn’t bear. A slight whimper slips from her lips, And over the broken stone she trips. The shadows run closer, showering her heart with fear, She wishes they would just disappear. They pass by her; she fills with delight, She just wants to see her dad tonight. She shines the light, to show her place, And to the shine comes a familiar face. She doesn’t understand who’s to blame Because on the tag shows her father’s name. She holds in her tears and refrains from crying. She falls to the ground where her dad was lying. She lifts his arm and buries her face in his chest. She closes her eyes wanting to forget the rest. The shadows emerge yet she doesn’t see, How close the end for her would be. They look down at her, aim, shoot, and fire. Being with her dad is her only desire. The night had ended causing a little girl harm But she took her last breath, in her father’s arms.


Details | Free verse | |

Dont Judge Me

Dont judge me for mistakes Ive made
Sins I have commited or games I have played,
Dont judge me for the things I say
Some things slip we have those days,
Do not judge me because of my past
Change happens but not always fast,
Dont judge me when i fall
For a matter of fact dont judge me at all


Details | Free verse | |

Ocean In The Deep Space Of My Heart

I’m diving deep down into the ocean world full of spectacular plasmatic bubbles enchanting creatures breathed them out orange, yellow, pink , purple and red wallowing through dazzling soft neon-colored starfishes in quest of its most marvelous graces weeds with various tones of green wagging gracefully along the way like curtains in musical enchantments and coral reefs in mountain ranges with their majestic beauty in carousels of fish and seahorses still diving deep down into the ocean world in quest of its marvelous graces in unfathomable depth of rainbow-colored whirlpools deep within I see from afar my precious pearls
8th Place Winner Contest: Space Odyssey Judged: 10/5/12 Sponsor: Poet Nathan -----D September 21,2012 by Leonora Galinta


Details | Free verse | |

The Beauty In Futility

Futility
my heart breathes its last breath
Embraces its own death
Ready to be reborn 
and made anew

Can’t live a lie
Refuse to “do”
and I’ll DIE....
Focus now on why I’ll live 
And never touch the sky. 

I have to forget you
I have to reject you 
But I will never love anyone 
like I loved you.....

I heard you whisper 
and you never knew it
I wiped the tears from your eyes 
But you couldn’t feel it

You’re lost and you’ll never find you
And neither will I 
And I’m so sorry--
but I’m NOT. 

I'll attempt to reset
Try to forget
But you know, I never will. 

Be my dirty little secret 
My very worst-kept secret 
Sweet, smooth, beautiful poison 
My infernal and endless attraction 
towards complete and utter self-destruction 

I fell in love with the devil
And it will take one heck of an angel
To save me from the likes of you....

My addiction 
my confusion
my nightmare
my dream never to come true

Oh, I’ll never forget the times
we never shared
I’ll never forget 
how you were never there

Always me, the stars, and tears
And I ask you,
what kind of life is THAT?

I have to face the facts 
I don’t know what happens now
but it happens without you. 

The stains will always be there
the scars will never fade
But the memory of you----
it HAS to. 

I could carry the torch forever
But it would only consume me
I can’t cry another tear for you
Or I’ll dry up completely

It doesn’t affect you
and you never deserved me

You’ll go on with your life, too
All, all alone
Because you’ll only ever be in love
with you. 


Details | Free verse | |

Me, Myself, and I.

I am doing this for myself.
I am done being hurt.
I am tired of the heartache.
i wish i never met you sometimes,
i am tired of you being a jerk,
you hated it when i told you how i felt now you don't get to hear or see me anymore.
you broke my heart.
you have hurt me more than anyone in my life.
why do you act like you don't care?
you think your gods gift to women.
i know you do almost every guy i know thinks that.
i have had so many offers that i had to refuse because i'm still not over you.
i know i should be but, but maybe we were meant to be if we were you blew it, and you can't 
say that you weren't happy with me cause i know you were you told me everyday that you 
loved me even when you broke my heart into tiny little pieces you said "i will always love 
you".
i don't know if you do or not i'm just sayin' how i feel cuz maybe one day you will realize that
"hey i'm stupid for lettin that girl go", NO ONE will love you as much as i still do.
and until you realize that don't come around me, cuz if you were to show up right now i don't 
know what i would say because i'm really hurt and anything could come out of my mouth 
and and i wouldn't care!


Details | Free verse | |

Carbon Monoxide (CO) Week 2: Carbon Cabrona

Smokeless inhales hurt.
I cough tar on my shirt.
As my black lungs breathe,
Shrilling exhales wheeze.

Cabrona
Falls me
Down to
My knees.

The nicotine cracks
My will.
My composure
Spills.

I want 
This.
I must 
Have this.

I sink
Into
The brink
Of madness.


Details | Free verse | |

Forgotten You

Forgotten you
As your mind collects the memories of yesterday
Forgotten You
Epiphanies tie into knotty strings of realization
That very moment. . . 
You merely exist

Back then. . .those smiles
Those. . .distant laughs
Some you remember by name
Gone now maybe
Like the exhalation of the wind
Others dispersed in the world of arbitrary happening
Like leaves from falling, man-made trees
There is no doubt that they have
Forgotten you

Activate the bomb
Ignite the fuse
And you’re on next year’s history book
Never forgotten
But drained of all remaining good

That smile you gave
That happiness
The warm embrace so long ago
Salt-coated with piles of rubbish
Over last remaining mental spurts of comfort
Evil, evil, evil, evil, EVIL. . .
Always absorbed and remembered
. . .though never forgiven. . .

All good and gracious sentiments
Packed up in a box set nonchalantly in Downstair’s storage
. . .that chair with the broken leg in the corner of the room
That mangled cobweb holding a dangling, lifeless spider
A drowned sailor’s hat drifting through the current of the ocean
The single tear from a soldier’s vigilant, memory-stricken eye
The frustrating thoughts of a mute
The unchanged. . .HATED deformations

Forgotten you. . .
One soul brings to light weary, unthought-of happenings
Wedged deep into what she can only imagine
With not even a hint of understanding
. . .of the pain. . . .of the bewildering distortions
Of the ugly. . .
One soul merely vomits sickly verse after verse

As humanity embraces its downfall
The poet hangs onto her unjustifiable, forgotten. . .
Words


Details | Free verse | |

I Want to Disappear.

I cry so silently, my heart beats like it is not there. 
I wish I could wash away and disappear like I was never here. 
I want to vanish like there was never someone here.

Is there any hope? 
Is there any time?
My life is coming to an end and I will wash away in fear.

I cry so silently, my heart beats like it is not there.
I wish I could wash away and disappear like I was never here.
I want to vanish like there was never someone here.

My heart is screaming out.
Is there anyone to hear me?
Is there anyone to help me?

I cry so silently, my heart beats like it is not there.
I wish I could wash away and disappear like I was never here.
I want to vanish like there was never someone here.
                             like there was never someone here.
                                                             Someone here.

I want to vanish like there was never someone here.


Details | Free verse | |

Sleeves of the Soul

our hearts were once joined,
 
now apart the degrees
 
of separation are burning,
 
my wounds are weeping 
 
there is no other day
 
 
 
judgment came yesterday
 
Autumn leaves began their journey
 
as my night was laid to rest
 
the walls started falling down
 
scattering the Rose of Sharon 
 
 
 
a bed of flowers to die in
 
a place to lay my weary head
 
I can no longer go walkabout
 
black smoke is streaming
 
a signal, all is not well
 
 
 
there is only one reality, now
 
tomorrow has yet to come
 
yesterday is already history
 
I must savor these last
 
moments, sucking in each drop
 
 
 
in desperation I prayed for hope
 
for the will to fight again
 
but also for the strength to let go
 
my fingers slowly lost their grip
 
creeping my purchase crumbled
 
 
 
sinking ever deeper
 
becoming an automaton
 
I am going through the motions
 
watching the lights extinguish
 
along with my last grain of sanity
 
 
 
the cloudy waters of my heart
 
dream poems, writing of the light
 
I can surf the stars once again
 
the lip curls, it is folding my heart
 
and creasing my mind
 
 
 
sanity has fled on golden wings
 
as sleeves of soul sway in the breeze


Details | Free verse | |

You Shall Never Die

I remember the day we met It was the best day of my life I can’t bring myself to forget you For you are a part of my soul I remember the hour I first loved you I know it—I still do And I will never love you less As the years progress I forget about my sad affairs When I reflect upon that day Though our communication died, I still feel there is a way… I do away with the misery As I look into your eyes Your haunting face in a photo Is a living enmity in my heart You shall never die As long as I wait for a new day And lift you—my future! By the grave I will faithfully stay No! It is not a permanent goodbye We shall thrive together again As one mind and body Till then—lie still and I will pray, “May that new day come today”


Details | Free verse | |

Carbon Monoxide -CO- Week 3: Talkin' 'bout My 'noxide

The steady pull
of temptation--
a tease on
my resolution.

When I can sleep, 
I take what dreams 
afford me.
In these dreams,
my 'noxide comes
to ward me.

Her smoke is an invitation.
my conscience
falls for
the con science
of my imagination.
I give in
and reality spins.

Between the sleeps, 
I lie in sanity. 
I wonder:
Did I give into 
my humanity?
did I'd err?
Is that
smoke in the air?


Details | Free verse | |

The Loose Connection

So much is lost in time.
Words are taken  in the wrong meaning.
Soon te bridge is but a scar of memory.

Sweet moments but a fargone reflection none of which
I choose to recall.
the laughter stale as the beer in this smoke filled room.

Music heals but stabs us deep.
Cents for the pain.
Numbers the tune.

Her body is there but not for anyone to
truley know.
the backward thougts with forward visions.

The emptyness my home hollow in the aftreglow.
My return is long overdue and  to soon  my exit.
A thief of emotion that exist only within my pen.


Has it been lost all over agian?


Details | Free verse | |

The Storm

There is that moment that you know the storm is coming
You can see it in the eye's of people you know
Feel it brew in everything around you
The storm is in the air
 
It comes with only one objective
The objective to destroy
To take what was and change it for ever more
Sometimes completely whipping out what once existed
 
Trying to save some things you start to prepare
Removing any place that it could get in
Moving valuables to safe places where they are out of reach
Also taking shelter waiting for impact
 
After some time the storm passes
You leave what you thought was a safe place to see that everything is gone
The storm has done what it came to do
Then moves on and starts all over again
 
You are left with nothing but a shadow of what you once had
Rebuilding is the only move
But nothing will be as strong as it was before the storm
No matter what you create you will never feel at home
 
Left to wonder the days away
Thinking back to the days before the storm
Wondering if you could have saved anything
To wish that the storm never was
 
It comes with only one objective
The objective to bring on change


Details | Free verse | |

Isolation Keeps

Along roads where mistral sweeps
Loneliness within ambles on
Every other step falling, keeps isolation
While, happiness continues out of sync


Details | Free verse | |

Fade to Black

FADE TO BLACK

My life it seems has had its share
of shining moments, recalled with
fondness when some achievement
let me stand awhile inside the light.

But when the bulb more faintly burned,
and shadows ruled the day instead.
Then it was that I have seen the rabid horde
rush to steal the fading rays and claim
that it was they who once before had
kindled the amazing spark and
more than once obtained the praise.

And so my trophies gather dust
and tarnish high upon my victory shelf— 
wilted blooms of a forget-me-not life,
which no one seems to remember.


Details | Free verse | |

Once Upon A Car Ride

Feel like that woman
Screaming, he betrays
They're stealing her
They're taking her
And everything shes kept safe
He Can't protect her
Not strong enough
Not brave enough
Nor man enough
To understand her horror
And how she will remember
The rest of her life


Details | Free verse | |

Angel (A.K.J)

You do not know this,
but there are nights
I willingly fall to the ground,
knocking the wind out of myself,
staring up into infinity,
wishing someone up there
would send you back to me,
As if I deserve it,
As if you still speak my name,
As if time could be conquered

Yet, I allow myself a fantasy,
A breath held for a memory,
In hopes of feeling innocent again,
For innocence became us in childhood,
Blood was unknown to me
For love flowed through my veins,
Heart pumping the shine of your smile
through my entire being in circulation,
Laughter is heard, as stars are seen,
Each twinkle holds a moment of us,

As time has torn us asunder,
Life has revealed new loves,
new loves inspired anger,
anger ensured your hatred of me,
Thus, I became what all now see,
A child changed to cynic,
A poet who hates emotions,
A man who desires no faith,
For nothing moves me now,
Yet my words still know you,


A million apologies failed,
No sense in repeating failure,
No reason to cry more tears
if none will show you my humanity,
My pain now motivates my attitude 
Thus, my soul is forever lost,
Despite the aforementioned change,
I still miss you daily, in misery,
with regret that lasts an eternity,

Hope for us, is my hope for heaven,
A paradise I have experienced before,
As I embrace the magic of the moment,
I briefly disregard my own logic,
hoping for an answer from nowhere,
For a chance to desire to change,
to see again, to trust again, 
Praying to a god I no longer believe in,
to protect you and never melt your wings,
for I could not recognize you any other way,

I repeat,
You did not know this,

Yet this lets me know,

Heaven or hell,
Life or death,
Angel or human,
God or no god,

I have my opinions,

Yet two truths are proven,

You are an angel to me,
and... I Love You.


Details | Free verse | |

Tears From The Swamp

Author: Joseph Osita

From the swamp
Haunts me the tears of my blood
Stripped of all hope-the soil to shelter
And banished to swim in oil-poisoned sea
Do they know
Ghost of revenge haunts the weeping soul?


 From the swamp
All sorrow-veiled mourners gather
To unfold reaper's choice of the day
As muscles are crushed by soldiers’ bullet fury
Poised by Hobson's choice
Young men breed strength for crime
For ghost of revenge is haunting the weeping soul

From the swamp
Haunts me the stammering musket of angry souls
Where owners beg stealers the share of oil 
And the dead man’s amnesty is of twilight solution
For ghost of revenge will forever haunt the weeping soul


On the oil rich people of Niger Delta who are given peanuts by Nigeria government, despite oil companies’ excessive spillage in the region. 
The people hauled their anger against the government but were apprehended by Nigerian Army.  
For Michael J Faloticho's 'Sounds of a cry'
contest
03/08/2011


Details | Free verse | |

CAPTCHA's Cruelty

HELP

The CAPTCHA took me by surprise tonight
Letters became ghouls in my mind’s eye
I listed them—
Noted them; words...begging, crying out for me

STAY

CAPTCHA was merely mocked
By millions of viewers on keyboards
I imagined all—
Tears began to fall

LOST

How may I help you, CAPTCHA?
Are you merely what they say?
Is there more—
Tell me, I pray

AAND

You bewilder my senses with your emptiness
The computer became my way to you
But all I could do—
Was imitate

CRYY 

I began to imagine someone stuck in CAPTCHA
A place where they harbored the weak
They took what they pleased—
Allowed them to speak

NNOW

Today it was happening and evermore
There was a reason I came to know
And now—
I want to know more

FOLL

I swallowed air and typed in the words
Feeling worthless and absurd
I began to believe—
There was more to this irrational dream

XOW3

The screen went black and then I was sure
I couldn’t doubt it anymore
The CAPTCHA wanted me—
The letters suddenly blurred and unseen

CAPTCHA
CAPTCHA
Let them go
CAPTCHA 
CAPTCHA
Full of woe
CAPTCHA
CAPTCHA
Take me now
CAPTCHA 
CAPTCHA
Tell me how to
CAPTCHA
CAPTCHA
Set them free
CAPTCHA
CAPTCHA
Knowing is free

Knowing is free

MMEE

For years I have copied your codes
Knowing you are there
Me—it’s me
Crying in the dark pit of despair

AAND

Though empty your words are to me
They are all I hear
All I fear—
In four letters on this electric trap

XXBX

What am I to do?
To follow would weary my soul
To save—
Would take its toll

FREE

What is this foreign word my dear?
Oh, how can you cut and paste it in my mind so clear?
Free—and then? 
Close your eyes and count to ten

The victims of the CAPTCHA remain a mystery to us all
Yet still we stare at the codes and merely imitate them
We are zombies staring our lives away
Trapped in CAPTCHA’s claws
Sad, deprived. . .
CAPTURED

I speak your language to stop this cruelty:

THEE 2TRUE TH78 IS9X BEF4 HOUR VERY EYES

Though we choose not to see
We choose not to fight
We choose only to IMITATE
We merely copy and paste

CRYY
CRYY
CRYY

GOOD
BAYE
BAYE
BAYE 







Details | Free verse | |

Crackened

I have just scratched the surface of my latent hatred
Of my blind, awe-inspiring, narcissistic, misanthropic, vehement self
In Flames draws it
As, I believe, Nightwish will
There is so much power here, my heart is stone.
But inside, oh how is it acerbic!
Corrosive, burning
It burns! I feel… the burn

It yearns to burst out 
To… to kill
Do I mean that?
No, just thoughts.
Twisted, darkened thought.
Define me?
No, they do not.
The moment I turn this music off
I am out.
I am me.
But, right now, I am king.
A god, DO AS I SAY!
…and leave me be.
Desolate, forgotten.
Anything else is unsatisfactory
No… IT IS TORTURE.

So get away.
Get away!
Humans make me weak.
I acknowledge no pain,
only that which you give me

So leave! 
Go, go now! 
...and live.
It is all your fault,
it is all your fault!
My twisted, wretched existence
Bound by darkness,
Bound by rusted iron chains,
to this never-ending life
of pain, of misery, of anguish!
Escape? There is none.
Certainly not by your hand
You are foolish, you are human, and you are nothing.

How could you think us equals? 
Don’t you see me? 
Don’t you see my power?


Details | Free verse | |

A Disturbance

This beating heart keeps haunting me in the dark,
When the sun walks steps to the surface, painting a glowing fade
I try to forget, no I do not need to pursue the missing element
For the element may have a substitute, mirroring characteristics of it, as well
But why does this aching not depart?
What pumps through these chambers is a sickness, tearing me apart
And in the night, when breathing doesn’t exist in presence,
Silent and still, except for the beating of this heart
This heart is isolated, and it screams woe with every thump
Surpass the disgust of it and hunt prey till successful
But the bait fails to attract my desire, and I am once again defeated
And the nibble, which also teases my wretched heart, leaves me beaten
The element persists in mystery, and I sense how unattainable it is
If only I could seek means of expressing how strongly I covet you
Your everything, but in importance, your scarlet ardor
Oh, how I would decease the beating of my disturbing heart for the life of your striking love,
But then, where would I go?
I feel as if my movement would perish without you, my love
So I wait, hands on the clock now ticking louder than my horrid heart
My heart battles time, impatient of the day I can obtain my element
But perfect element, I shall wait for you.



Details | Free verse | |

Alive

And we are left here Like maggots—dirty, parentless…devastated Always feeding on the gruel…the cruel Fattening our lives in the moneyless bilk Shocking like a bee sting, yet soft as silk We are the forgotten I am watching the others grow rotten But I am cleansed and raw with glee Because…though blinded with slime…I SEE… I rise to the sound of the agonizing screams Of rapes, murders, of violent fists…weeping minds My definition of true finds… I smile when any possible hope arrives Fate laughs, knowing I constantly scream inside I am amused of it all…I can’t stop laughing As bitter tears began to fall I HATE ALL OF YOU… I WANT TO KILL YOU ALL… But I love that I can take anything From the nothing we have all been labeled The sick, the low…the mentally unstable Watch me roll up in a ball A naughty tease to death’s lull I love your silence… I love your intense fall And we are more alive than any of you We are crazed by your belligerence Aching to be emotionless SHARE YOUR INDIFFERENCE SHARE IT… Give us something to be left with So the others can die As Fate veers its head looking in the mirror Listen to her laughter—do you hear her? She watches and waits To find her maggots have grown wings… Screw your selfish indifference...we fall to fly We are more alive than any of you Though quickly we die


Details | Free verse | |

Bring my love home

She's dying over and
over 
From the insanity of
the missing 
The heart will
repair 
Though I wouldn't
dare say this
At the sky she
stares
Continuously
She says life must
go on
I must go on
she says

I don't want to be
without him 
As she opens the
second bottle of
vodka 
If I'd had a choice
I'd of gone with him
But I'd never wish
for him to ever feel

This crushing
feeling
Not for a instance

In the night she
thinks I'm sleeping
But I hear
everything

Dear God
I was wondering if I
could have a moment
of your time ?
I know your a busy
bloke and that,  
your tired with all
these voices
shouting up at you, 
I would be too.
But I thought I'd
give it a go.
I know your the
universal spirit and
there's  lots on
your mind, 
so I tell you what
I'll talk and you
can just listen, 
give me your views
at the end.

I was wondering if
you've looked in on
me lately
See God 
I'm feeling
incredibly unhappy, 
Distraught you could
say, 
miserably alone.
I know there's
millions, probably
billions 
I don't know the
average, 
but no matter.
I know there's
other's wanting your
attention,
The people dying
from cancer or 
The African village
women screaming for
you to stop the men
taking their kids, 
Putting them on
smack to fight there
twisted gorilla
wars.
Our boys in
Afghanistan getting
maimed and
slaughtered.

So firstly I was
wondering if it's
normal to feel this
way ?
You see I think of
him so much he
enters my dreams as
soon as I close my
eyes,
Is this your doing ?
Tell me what I have
to do to stop this
fog,
Tell me when I reach
the other side I'll
still be me,
Tell me it's ok to
still cry silently,
 without even
knowing,
Then, 
Tell me how to stop
the tears,
Tell me,  if this
ache in my chest
relieves,
Tell me,  I'm
standing this pain
to be with him
again,
Go on tell me ??!!!

I'm so alone I bet
you got all the
Angels up there
keeping you company,

Hay I thought they
were supposed to be
down here looking
after us ?
Point is, the real
point is
You got something of
mine and I want it
back.

I'm not blaming you,
well I am sort of, 
I think your a
really good bloke
but took too much
on,
We all do it now and
then don't we.
I mean the church
wrote your book
didn't it, 
It's really down to
Matthew , Mark ,
Luke, and John,
you should really
send them boys down
here,
I know a lot of
people who want a
word with them.
They're responsible
for war, 
Famine and mass
genocide,
Because be honest
all wars start at
religion one way or
another don't they.

I'm Sorry I've gone
off track,
What I was saying
is, 
my dad told me if
he'd of died when he
got kidney failure 
It's God's will.
Well if it's your
will, 
Do me a favour and
send my husband back

I wasn't finished
with him yet.

And if you can't do
that,
Tell him something
for me,
Tell him I love him,
But lie, say I'm ok.
Say I'm getting by,
I got sleeping
tablets off the doc,
Say I'm almost
happy.
Not to worry.
Tell him I'm rushing
towards death for
him,
That I've stocked up
on vodka.
God, tell him I'll
be there soon.











Details | Free verse | |

Saved My Life

I went back into that dark, dark place 
Were demons dwell 
And 
Lives are taken away
But
Through the pain 
And 
Through the tears 
You were there and kept me near. 
You saved my life by loving me; 
Your silent strength was the key. 
Gentle touches and silent words 
Let me know that love was the cure. 
Depression is my evil curse, 
And 
When it planted the seed of death
Your love washed it away 
And
Gave me the strength
To seek the help I needed to keep it at bay. 
I’ve walked that dark path so many times 
I’ve done lost track, 
But 
Things have change 
And God’s given me a special tool 
To help me through, 
I have you and Joshua too, 
And 
Rooted deeper is the knowledge 
Both of you want me to stay a little longer. 
So like a drug addict that has lost their way
I start the road back to brighter days,
And
There are not enough words to say
I Love You 
In every way 
And 
May God bless us ever day.


Details | Free verse | |

Awakened to Dream

I stand alone in a black and white city As the smog blends with the picture I imagine colorful, plentiful sustenance And look upon filth… And when the speeding cars honked those relentless horns I awoke, in a flourishing dream My eyes opened It was bright and dazzling There was joyous birdsong Yet there, on the rooftops Who crafted these birds? Do you laugh at the bard Who wakes up hopeful in dreams? Out of my dreams, I live of misery for life’s sake Of a lost, unattainable love Of eager waiting and longing Of sadness and waste And when the speeding cars honked those relentless horns My mind and heart awoke Now I stand here with him And ponder on our once blissful love I widen my eyes to stay in the dream And my heart beats tenderly When will the birds flutter into my city on earth? When shall I kiss your lips again?


Details | Free verse | |

The Waterway

Riddles twisting through the scalps,
Trace the paths that wind about
Pouring out through the watery spout
Like waterfalls, inside and out
Possessed by a madness,
Sadness reaps my every thought
Isolated by my shadow, I’m laying in the dark
And the river flows faster as the ferry embarks,
Behind brown eyes, find a crimson spark
As your prayer begins,
He seeks the mark of a sin,
Let the silver sink in,
Embracing your skin
And while every breath escapes from your heart,
You ask him, “What makes thee force my depart?”
With a love so strong, “Till death do us apart”
Day after day, this phrase you’d impart.
But when all control is powered by a fiend,
Darkness meets light, and the two are convened.
The passion of one causes will to concede,
Even when sacrifice compels thee to bleed.
And nothingness gathers to deliver me downward
Live amongst souls, and regret begins to shower
Blind to your ravenous taste to devour
From the day we began, you’ve dwelled within power
But confusion arouses where you don’t understand
I continue to love you, beyond my command
Dare you to rid me, you think that you can
But I’ll linger in this stream, from now till your end.


Details | Free verse | |

Dead Rose

Alone…
driven by the scent of a dead rose…
captivated by its fragrance
indulged by its mysterious aroma
silenced in this moment of awe…
…alone…
Following my own steps…
Hearing the powder being lifted behind me from the snow…
Feeling the gravel shift with each step,
My inner flame boiling with anticipation 
Yearning to see you
Longing to feel you
Aching to smell you
Craving to hear you
Wanting to taste you…
…alone
Drops…blurring my view…
Trees moving  faster
Air growing colder
Wind crying louder…
…so close to feeling you
I need you
May I be your last thought…
Remember my touch…my scent… 
I see your light resting on the horizon
sweet bliss at last…
or that’s what I thought…
my flame, starting to die…
slowly being consumed by everything that is now deprived…
alone…again
deprived of you…
…again alone
Standing in the snow…
With nothing more
Than single memory
Of my dying rose 


Details | Free verse | |

To Give You My All

Where on earth have you fled to? I never wanted to just watch you leave Performing the abortion of abandonment Perhaps I was a disappointment for letting you go Flooded with ignorance, I just didn’t know I want to always be there for you To shine down upon your unseen, inner glow To see you smile with your brand new life And to share in the happiness of an open eye I simply do not know where you are Or what you are feeling right now But I should like to be your journey’s end A settlement of tranquility, yet arduous color Open up your demonizing doors I will give you more and more and more Until I have nothing left to give But myself My entire essence and being You deserve to see what I am seeing You deserve what is fairly yours And I am sorry for the absence I just didn’t know How to care for such a delicate masterpiece How to maintain a beautiful thing I never know what to say To bring you to peace Maybe I shall say nothing and fall To give you my all


Details | Free verse | |

I Have To Forgive You

-to my mom... inspired by Nathan Fehr-

I have to forgive you
For what you have done
For what you didn’t do
For leaving me in gloom
Leaving us all wondering
If you would ever return
I have to forgive you
Because you can smile away everything
Because we need you
And love you
Sometimes I know 
That you would have stayed
If it weren’t for God’s intervention
You would have stayed with him
If you hadn’t been thrown out
And abandoned
We were your last resort
I understand
I do
But that doesn’t mean I am not hurt
I forgive you
For the worst and for the best
We are blessed
To have you back
Though we will never truly understand
What made you leave us all behind
I guess you really loved him
The loveless … I understand
You wanted to make someone happy
You wanted to fill that empty void
But by doing so
Others had to suffer
But you didn’t want us to suffer
You were just tired of it
Tired of doing everything
We were your last resort
We were abandoned
And you returned
With open arms
And tears of bitter sweetness
I have come to forgive you
Because if I don’t
There you will go again
Freed skyline pigeon
And I love you
So much
Please don't leave us
Let your wings rest 


Details | Free verse | |

Die alone and born again

The man with the plastic bug in his head
monopolized my dreams last night
in the place that the horsefly of my dignity
finally surrender to the impresario without a fight.

Seven days and 7 hours transplanted in my memorabilia
reminding the rustiness of the purple child
flatterers danced beneath the clouds of melancholy
and morality spreader the master plan inside my mind.

The disinheritance of my immortality the final day
discouraged my desire to see the forbidden love
restored my will to escape
manipulated the deep of the uncertainty above.

Released from the plastic bug in my head
try to cover my yellow child in the purple sky
laughing,singing,whispering,playing
seven days and seven hours before he dies.


Details | Free verse | |

White Silent Static Voices

All relationships in a cloud
Ones and zeros are your friends
Cackling static voices in white silence
Useless platitudes filter out
Your permanent depression
With temporary chemicals
Dulling the dread in your brain
 
Abandoned by the physical
To touch someone is too real
So smile and watch your photographs
of your white silent lives
Static cannot scream
and it cannot bleed
So wrap yourself in your comfortable white static lie
 
Expressing your emotion
Is cold and lifeless
Artificial artifacts of your life imprinted with communal approval
Show your smiles with drinks in hand
Hide your screams behind your eyes
With our white static silent voices
We hide ourselves from our lives


Details | Free verse | |

Why do I bother ?

                             Why do I bother waking up
                            when everydays the same 
                              life has no purpose
                             while we are estranged
                              
                            Why do I bother going to sleep 
                            when all I have is nightmares
                                 
                             Why do I bother breathing 
                        when  I just end up gasping for air
                       
                              Why do I bother eating
                               when all I want is you
                              
                               Why do I bother bathing
                             When everything feels so dirty
                                   
                         Why do I bother talking
                       when I just feel like screaming

                              Why do I bother living 
                             When i feel like im dying
                              

                                By,Jessica Bowie
                        


Details | Free verse | |

Happy

When I’m all alone
I try to kill the thought of you
Assuring myself
You’re just a ghost passing through

And now that you’re here with me
I feel the need to soar and fly
Only thing is:
I’d much rather crawl away and die

I don’t want to be happy 
I don’t want to fool myself
I don’t want to feel the pressure
Of putting on a heaven in hell

I don’t want to be your angel
I don’t want to face the growth
I don’t want to be happy
I don’t want the aching truth

You never saw me in your stride
As I smiled wide in my heavenly hide
Believing in myself without a chance
Not able to grasp this ghostly romance

You smoked me like a cigarette
Burning out my love, leaving butts of regret
And all the time I laugh and smile
As you see right through me all the while

I don’t want to be happy
I don’t want to live a lie
I don’t want to feel your leisure
As I crumple down to die

I don’t want to disappoint you
I don’t want to show and tell
I just want to see you happy
Just leave me in the dark to dwell


Details | Free verse | |

Queen of the underground

what do you do when your enemies are friends
plot them against eachother?
hold them back for as long as you can

do you believe in revenge for the scar i left upon you i cannot heal?
i did not seek you out
its like a ghost story
but if your still haunted
if you are hiring people to visit me which i doubt
you are a queen of the underground
and i will never tell

what have you learned about your new power?
and how far down did you have to go to get revenge?
im sorry seriously i cried yesterday i cried the day before and i cried back then
but nothing can replace what i did
and sorry is not good enough
and i deserve a lesson
but life is so precious and you know that

queen of the underground
are you gonna be a good queen or bad?
outsmart me
or use violence
You know ive vowed for silence
i respect you
im onto you
in my deluded thought
im afraid everyday
but every ghost haunts

you are now a queen of the underground
let me help you make the best of it
you are needed in society in case things go awry
im not your target anymore
but you have connections
and your powerfull
what if the world was chaos
what would you change and how
and can i help?


Details | Free verse | |

Shadows in Hiding - collaboration with Jake Ponce

Written by: David William Breidenthal and Jake Ponce 

D: Blessed breeze sweeps over us 
J: Whenever I leave the door ajar at night, 
J: I felt myself grow pale from the humid howls 
D: Gravity pulls us down to the ground 
J: Shadows in hiding have been found 
J: Shadows in hiding have been found

J: There were irises staring into mine 
D: The twinkle in your eyes were like stars that shine 
D: When I forgot to lock the gate behind me, 
D: I felt this sensation of indignation 
D: I felt guilt overflow in me contritely...woefully... 
J: My fists trembled and I could see the roses 
J: Split from their vines, out my flesh and into your cells 
J & D: Shadows in hiding have been exposed

J: Now I stand in front of the mirror, perplexed 
J: At the man that I thought has ceased 
D: The man that lingers in my dreams 
J: The man I know I no longer could be 

D: The Earth is slowly breaking at the seams 
J: Dividing me into sheets of empty sins 
D: But he soon vanished from sight 
J: Shadows in hiding have been found 
D: And blended with the pale, cruel moonlight 

J: Clouds then rise to whisper 
J: That all this and I are done… 
J & D: Shadows in hiding are skipping to and fro
J & D: Shadows in hiding are sinking exceedingly low
D: The doubts possess me…hope lost its shine and good luck lost its fortune 

D: The moon begins to reflect my sorrow-whelmed face 
D: Like a two-sided mirror, revealing to me my flaws and wrinkles 
J: As I implore the forces to grant me borrowed life 
J: And with a grin, I'll paint tomorrow's sky 
J & D: Shadows in hiding coil and let out a cry
J & D: Shadows in hiding reach from on high 

D: The sun is wearing a mask of disdain and I'm not done with this race 
J: There is an ache holding me captive…
J: There is a force keeping me in place 
D: I’m trying so desperately to keep pace
D: I'm trying to keep a steady pace with my heartbeats, sending me tingles 
D: Down my spine...down my spine… 
J & D: Shadows in hiding are serpentine, moving through me
J & D: Shadows in hiding was crawling down my spine, never leaving me be
D: Set me free, set me free 

D: Feeling these Goosebumps – I’ve lost track of time 
D: The church bells peacefully chime
J: And I can hear the advances of the clocks 
J: On pale green horses, saying they'll meet me at the docks 
D: Feeling like I'm honestly living in the dumps 
J: With my chest hacked open like a cellar 
J: And I'm left alone with my last glass of the finest wine 
J & D: These shadows in hiding – I refuse to claim it as mine
J: Yet, the shadows in hiding have been found

D: Open up the cage and let me take flight, I won't heat up in rage 
D: I'm just adjusting to this difficult stage 
D: Are you on the same page? 
D & J: Soon, we’ll unveil the shadows in hiding 
D: It will graze in the maze of mystifying wonders…It might take days
J: Perhaps I should get going 
J: To see the northern lights down the forest haze 


Details | Free verse | |

Backfire

What’s the use of trying any longer?
Nothing comes out the way I want it to flow
Words perpetrate my every being
And I strain to get my temperament to slow
But my cognizance is reeling in a panic of waves
The voltage of emotion is overwhelming me
What is this journey impending to?
What is my purpose?
To obliterate or build?
I keep assurances only to splinter and shatter them
I melt into their regrets and apologies without looking back
Then I am slapped right back in the face
With my own waves of shame and qualm
I wish I was like you
I wish I could put a guise on and never show my face
I wish I could take a dagger and extinguish the sorrow
Destroy tomorrow
But it keeps coming back with twinges and pains!
I want to scream my way into your existence
I want to end all the overwrought thoughtlessness
I want to be lifted in your ease
To be beautiful and clever like you
The demon is me and I am foaming with misery
My horns are melting by your pertinacious confrontations
I can’t reply to the desolation of nothingness
I can’t make it all go away
I’m trapped! RELIEVE ME!
Cursed adrenaline rushes about me
My body is prickling and waterlogged in blackness
I swallow the poisons of my backwash
And back-fire every stab in the back


Details | Free verse | |

The Nightmare of Reality -part 2-

Her death STARING me down Staring. . . Her drooping eyes dangling low Warm blood COLD blood! Don’t come any nearer! I told you to leave! You killed them all, one by one I did it for you! DON’T BLAME ME FOR LOVING YOU! Give me a kiss. . .stay quiet NO! Tell me it’s a lie . . . This must be a nightmare The nightmare ends here—I swear Hold me close and we’ll comfort each other While they pass by You’ll be safe, unharmed And then you can run, you beautiful soul It’s too late to run, remember? I lied There’s still a way out You’re only giving me a shred of hope Hope. . . So you can tear it all down Tear them all down. . . We’re together. . .just you and me, And Nobody I’m scared of you What’s new? Use me to save you You were built to destroy To CHASE Run. . .run. . .I beg you to run I’m not going anywhere The pain has just begun Hide. . .hide. . .they’re coming inside Let them come I’ll never say goodbye You left me with Nobody And Nobody is me So I’m stuck with you and you’re stuck with me I want you to go over there Don’t look—turn around They will enter me and you will see The Nobody I’m not scared of Nobody YES YOU ARE. . . Run. . .run. . .please run. . . No I’m not Bodily odors and sulfur Blood and oath—SUFFER!


Details | Free verse | |

Living in the Gray

Sometimes I find myself living in the grays
I stay there for days and days
My world lacks contrast
Shadows disappear 
I am somewhere that isn't here

My land is encompased in a virtual haze
A fog so thick it blocks out sun rays
I search and grope for different ways
I can't see forward or behind
Complacency has blocked my mind
No ambition 
I wonder why
I lack the desire to try

A finger tip and then a hand
Caressesing my face removing the bland
The light floods in
I start to feel
I can't get enough of this savory meal
Now I wonder was it just a dream
I start to move forward 
picking up steam

Colors so bright 
Now I realize
It was an internal veil that blocked my eyes
Sometimes all it takes is someone's hand
To escape from a world of gray and bland

A kiss a smile
Perhaps an embrace
A gentle hand lightly placed
Now the light and dark are clearly traced
All my gray has been erased




Details | Free verse | |

Ideas Trapped In An Inactive Mind

Ideas Trapped By An Inactive Mind

Your mind is hidden in darkness
Thoughts trapped in deep crevasses
Their screams echoes through deathly shadows
Attacked and strangled at their every move
The struggle against invisible shackles
Drawing blood as they fight their captor
Demons search for ideas ripping them apart
Stripped skin strewn across an evil world
A world created from depression and mania
Leaving the ideas disemboweled in the frenzied heat
Blood, skin and guts boil under the demon’s breath
Screams of torture and pain fill the void left by random thoughts
Still alive they choke on the stale sulfuric air
Waiting to die while hoping to be saved
A quick mind lights the darkness
Giving new life to near dead ideas
The strongest fight while the weakest wither and die
The rise through the darkness
Rising into the light they look back
They see the lost ideas dying beneath them
They care about what was lost
What ideas will never see the light of day
And they grieve as they come to light
And they will be told and retold
For that is what ideas are meant to be
Shared by the entire world not killed 
Murdered by an inactive mind


Details | Free verse | |

I Am So Tired

I am tired of counting the red dwarf stars in the Milky Way.
I am tired of counting the 7 years of grain in Pharaoh's silos.
I am tired of counting the steps to the sacrificial altar of the Chichén Itzá pyramid.
I am tired of counting the people swallowed by the Antioch earthquakes of 115 & 526.
I am tired of counting the victims of the 1737 & 1839 India cyclones.
I am tired of counting the departed from the Influenza Epidemic of 1918.
I am tired of counting the death toll of the 1931 China floods.
I am tired of counting the total military and civilian casualties of WWI and WWII.
I am tired of counting the number of Jews killed at Auschwitz, Belzec and Majdanek.
I am tired of counting the drowned in the 2004 Indian Ocean Tsunami.
I am tired of counting the biomass of plankton in the Great Pacific Garbage Patch.
I am tired of counting the needles on the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center
I am tired of counting the cracked and dirty windows at Riker's Island prison.
I am tired of counting down the clock until the our Sun becomes a red giant and dies.

God help me! I can't sleep. I can't sleep. I can't sleep...
I'm immortal. I have OCD. I'm so tired of counting sheep.


Details | Free verse | |

My Goodbye Letter

My Love,

We had a great life of bliss together,
embracing each other during winter,
chasing butterflies in summer, watching trees
as they shed off their leaves during autumn,
as we held each other tightly on a couch,
and tasting rain together in spring…..same
things season after season.

Having taken me for granted,
you have cut off the roots of my joy;
you have created a black-hole deep in my heart.

I thought we were like light and bright,
but then, I realized you were using me like a bridge
to the one whose kiss was softer; whose embrace
was more sensual.

I wish you all the happiness in the world,
as I return to the stars……hopefully never
to return to this cold world again.

Your photo will be the last thing that I see.

Yours truthful,
Faded Love.


Details | Free verse | |

Suicidal(a reason to live)

I am standing on the edge 
please pull me back
I have a lack of interest in life
the thrills are gone
the happiness has dried up
the color red looks like rust
my sign reads to heaven or bust
the color blue is every where I look
and pops like a whore's lip gloss
I have returned all that was given to me
I have no joy or glee
from this life I want to flee
but I say to you hold on one more day
I say to you there is always a rainbow after the rain
I say to you there is a sunrise after midnight
you shall suffer this plight
you live on everyday til the sun burns up
so chin up
here comes tomorrow

If you feel suicidal hold on one more day


Details | Free verse | |

STAYING ALIVE

STAYING ALIVE

Awake!
Mixed feelings
The morning sensation
All fears   expectation
Still in place
Bold reluctance 
By responsibility replaced
Leech and drive on!
Reanimate! 
Rejuvenate!
Staying alive!	


Details | Free verse | |

Without Me

Everything falls to pieces,
as the reality of my worthless existence
dawns on me.
So I crawl;
to that empty space
I call my mind.
To hide from the world
that wishes to
prick,
prattle,
and probe
until there is nothing left.
Except for me,
and my insecurities.
A endless assemblage
of dreams and regrets,
that have led me
to believe - 
THERE IS nothing left.
So as the last tear flows
I only hope,
tomorrow will be
a little less bleak,
Without Me.


Details | Free verse | |

Crying Red Tears

I hold it in
falling apart inside
close my door
walk up the familiar stairs
reach for my only friend
no questions asked
not a doubt in my mind
i tug at my wrist
let my arms Cry Red Tears 
full of pain desire hate
tape up the emotions
put away the fears
so i can hold it in 
and let my arms Cry Red Tears...


Details | Free verse | |

Slash

I cut myself holding on too tightly to broken dreams 
Bleeding away my hopes dying a slow death 
I don't bother to bandage my wounds 
So used to this self mutilation that it no longer hurts 
Numbness overcomes me with each cataclysmic episode of love 
I can feel no more 
I just watch the blood trickle to the floor 
The world plays audience to my self destruction 
Careless whispers of advice only make it worse 
Shades of gray are splattered with shades of red 
Everyone will watch in silence until I'm dead 
A lifeless body roaming the earth I will be 
Refusing to toss of those shattered dreams 
The double edge sword of holding on or letting go 
Slices deeper into my wrists as my dreams slice my throat


Details | Free verse | |

The Nightmare of Reality -part 3-

SUFFER! I am not afraid of you, Nobody LEAVE HIM ALONE! You are afraid of what I’ll do to him. . . Nobody. . .stop He’s everything The only I love you LIES Croaking, splitting Gnashing, spitting How am I still alive? Watch him cry. . .WATCH HIM DIE. . . Give him up and leave us to agony Agony. . . Keep him alive and I will eventually die Blink – One, two, three four There’s no escape GIVE HIM MORE! Shrieking, creeping Aching, LAUGHING Nobody likes me Wake me up—I’M BURNING UP! And the killer’s left to guide me TURN AROUND. . .LOOK BEHIND YOU! Her faceless, raw, noseless features right in my face Crawling nearer and nearer YOU’VE KILLED THEM ALL SO NOW THEY CAN DESTROY ME! ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE NOBODY NOW? I am nobody—I am empty YOU LEFT ME NOTHING AND GAVE ME ENEMIES!!! DEMONS! DEMONS!! DEMONS!!! DEMONS!!!! GET OUT OF THEM!!!!! Wake me from this Nightmare of Reality Nobody says you’re staying forever UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO WAKE DEMONS!!!! DEMONS!!!!! DEMONS!!!!!! I smell them. . .I feel them. . .I taste them UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO WAKE Demons! Fiends! I hear them. . . UNTIL YOU FIGURE OUT HOW TO WAKE WHY!!!!!? ANSWER ME!! KUT ME! GRIND ME! END ME!!!!! She has waken from this nightmare . . . Nobody will miss her


Details | Free verse | |

Kill Me

1/1/13
```````````````````````````````````````````````````
kIlL mE... tHeRe ArE tImEs, My GoD, tHeRe ArE tImEs ThAt I wIsH i WaS dEaD mY hEaRt SpIlLs ReSeNtMeNt AnD sCoRn Of ThE sElF aNd So mAnY oThErS tHeY dOn'T dEsErVe ThE hAtE—nO oNe DoEs SoMeTiMeS cOnFiNeMeNt BlUrRS mY hEaRt AnD mInD lEaViNg Me In A sOrT oF dEpReSsIoN rEwInD wHeN nO oNe GiVeS a DaMn AbOuT tHe RhYmE wHeRe AlL tHeY wAnT tO dO iS cOnSuMe ThE gRiMe I aM sIcK tO tHe MaRrOw Of KeEpInG It (IxNxSxIxDxE) bUt I wIlL tOrTuRe No OtHeR WiTh My MiNd ThErE aRe TiMeS, mY gOd, ThErE aRe TiMeS tHaT i WiLl MySeLf To SmIlE bUt (IxNxSxIxDxE) i ScReAm (KiLl Me). . .KILL ME i want to die. . .


Details | Free verse | |

Venturing The World Above

A continuation of The World Above Me, a special collaberation between myself and my good friend Justin Connor

8/17/12
------------------------------------------------------------------

The shelter opens its door to the world above me
Never have I seen so much destruction

My eyes get used to the brightness,
An unwanted tear trickling down my cheek
But once they are accustomed to the light,
I want to close them again
I feel the urge to turn back
But they push me forward,
Whispering low, consoling words

I look around to see what humanity used to be
Before the devastation
And I marvel at what the old world used to be
But one question remains:
Why did people destroy their lives,
And end the world we used to know?

I walk my feet on the unknown terrain
Ruins. . .debris. . .the air placid and still
All around is rubbish
My mother whispers a prayer from behind
And then I wonder. . .
If God was ever here

As I look around I notice a book
Lying there, upon the ashy wreckage
I pick it up and read. . .
It details a nation’s fight for freedom

A large statue of a man is in the building I stand by
I stare at the brazen figure in awe
The features are crumbling but here it still stands
Watching over its obliterated land
I squeeze the book in my hand
His eyes show loyalty and courage
No sadness—not even a speck of fear

Looking more outwards I see a tall structure
And past that a building with a large dome
The architecture of the old world amazes me
What wonders men have done—could have done
If they hadn’t let each other come undone
In violence and death
Yet still I wonder how these incredible buildings 
Could possibly remain after all that has happened
Like the buildings, we have survived
And hopefully, through lessons learned,
We can thrive

My father tells everyone to clear away the ruins
People even use old machines with cranes
The old world is gone
But from the ashes we can start anew
We were in the shelter for the good of humanity
And now, because of us,
There is hope


Details | Free verse | |

Afterlife

There is a her shaped hole in this world
A black void
If you look hard enough you can still see the sparkles of the departed
Black diamonds of the afterlife
The entrance left open 
In case he needs to follow 

It's not in the leaving she said
It's in the living once I'm dead

The cold cold bed Sat in our room
The silence in the telephone
This is what the worst will be
The carrying on without me

It isn't in the leaving she sighs
It's in the knowing I didn't survive

She asked him once to be brave
Carry on forget her name
Give some meaning to his life
Leave behind the cold dead wife

How can you love me she asked
When all I want is to depart
How am I faithfully yours she cried
He just looked at her and sighed

It isn't in the leaving she cried
It's in the living once I've died
Where I'm going has no name
The darkness consumes me again and again

I'll wait for you she said
She promised as in life and death

I warned you along the way she said
I tried to make you see
I never belonged to your world 
I was never truly me
I belong to the nether world
I was put here by mistake
I'm waiting for it to draw me back
To take again my place

This is what she's seeing there
He's too used up to even care
Watching his restless nights and days
Keeping the haunting mind at bay
The last vision in his head is his wife hanging above the bed


Details | Free verse | |

City of Shadows

A lonesome boat in the harbor rocks insanity.
Big waves of the black sea roll across the white sands
that fade into darkness for eternity.
Far from the life giving drops of rain are predators
in the city of shadows.
Feelings from the last solem breezes blow.
As the evening sun fades slowly into the night,
the pavement glistens like cracked glass
from the earlier evening rain.
A lack of silence remains.
In the city of shadows,
screaming voices creep in the corner of your mind.
Visions of the garden where the flowers died.
The dark alley reveals the emptiness of peace within your soul,
and death reveals the cold, cold truth way beneath the black crumbled earth.
Slapped with a strike of lightning,
disrupting the fall of silence where secrets crawl to hide,
in the foxholes of one's mind.
In the city of shadows, bewildered minds tick with the time of the clock.
Breath by breath falls perfectly out of place,
and darkness opens a new gate.
Tunes of the violin slowly fade away.
A new awakening to blindness,
in the city of shadows.


Details | Free verse | |

Fallen Angles

Bang, there goes another.
Another life, another meaning,
Gone. Gone like the rain in the desert
Never to return.

It’s the sad truth that our children
Our teenagers

Cannot live in harmony together on our Earth.
We turn to the isolation.
To the pain.
To the self-hatred and the bitterness.
But what do we gain?

Our lives are not statistics.
We do not deserve this belittling
We do not deserve this treatment.
And yet we still take it all in stride.

We fall and we fall but it never seems to end.
And so we take everyone down with us in the long run.
When will we learn to grab hold,
and stop this incessant falling,
this constant drowning in our thoughts, in the shouting words of others?

Bang, there goes another.
A lost purpose, a lonely child.
Never to see themselves better than the ugly words of others
ever again.


Details | Free verse | |

To A Former Friend

I dedicate this poem to you,
The one who I used to call "friend",
"Best friend", or maybe even "sister".
Yes, you meant that much to me,
And I thought I meant as much to you.
No, maybe not as much, but at least a "best friend".
Did I ask for too much?
Was that too selfish of a request?
I thought that we'd be best friends forever,
I really did.
But I guess it was all just a fantasy,
A fragment of my imagination.
After all, reality is a much harsher place.
I think I only realized that after you walked away;
After you walked away and never looked back
And left me in a deep, dark pit of torment,
Wondering why you'd changed.
If I'd done something different, would you still be the same?
Of all the people beside me, I never would have guessed that
You would be the one to leave me like this.
And as I watched from a mile away,
How well off you seemeed without me,
I fell into a sea of depression.
For the longest time,
I felt so lonely,
Questioning myself whether anyone truly needed me.
Or was I only just second choice?
Now, as I am writing this poem,
I cannot say that I have been completely healed.
I still feel the doubt, the uncertainty,
When someone says
"I love you"
Or
"You are my best friend"
Even when I know that it is all in my head.
But I think I can say with confidence that
I have become stronger,
Even if just a little bit,
Even though sometimes
I still miss you.


Details | Free verse | |

Old Friend

By chance we met
We became friends at first
And best friends later
We shared everything with each other
The good, the bad, happy and sad..
 
 
It was all beautiful until that day..
 
 
The day he came into your life
Was the worst day of my life
You shared your good times with him
You gave him your valuable kisses
You gave him your all, and then some
 
 
I waited in vain for your messages
All I wanted was to hear your voice
To fill up this void you left in me
My life was never the same
 
 
Then there was trouble in your paradise..
 
 
He hurt you over and over again
But you loved him too much
You couldnt let go
He made you shed your precious tears
He took all your love
And never gave it back
 
 
Then you remembered me..
 
 
The one that was always there
The one that always cared
Always in his shadow, watching you
Crying invisible tears each time he hurt you
 
 
You came to me with your pain..
 
 
I became your tower of strength
I wiped your tears when you cried
I made you strong so that you could stand on your own
I put the sun back in your sky
I gave you wings to make you fly
 
 
And then you flew..
 
 
Away from me again
You reopened the void
You took away my sun
You left me in the cold again
 
 
You have forgotten me..
 
 
But I will never forget you
I always loved you
And I always will 
 
 
Goodbye old friend...


Details | Free verse | |

The Eraser

My life was in shambles,
hitting rock bottom
so ashamed for those words spoken,
forever haunting me...

My innocent little girl 
one day she asked me
to buy the biggest eraser I could find,
and so next day, I did...

I then gave it to her, 
and wondered what she was drawing
to need an eraser of that size,
but what I saw forever haunted me...

She was rubbing that eraser
on her skin, turning it red
so red, it must’ve hurt
but what she said had stabbed my heart

I asked her what she was doing,
then in a small voice she said,
“I’m erasing me, Mama
I’m your biggest mistake, you said.”


*June 4, 2010 written for  Paula’s Rub it Out contest :)--
had to put this smile to counter the sadness when I wrote this...
I haven't been blessed with any children yet, 
but writing this really moved me, 
just thinking it can happen in real life-
-I love kids, been teaching toddlers for 5 years now...


Details | Free verse | |

Wisps

"Friend,
Mind wandering through misty woods.
You don't understand your purpose.
Friend,
I knew you too little,
Please do not shed your salty emotions,
Not out of anger, not out of sadness.
Friend,
You now lose your way so easily,
You sink, you burst, you burn inwardly.
You weep from frustrations, 
From the guilt of an honest smile,
From pains, that you forget for a moment,
That come swiftly back to haunt you of your loss.
I understand, dear friend.
You once had a light and the woods seek to snuff it out.
Do not fear, dear friend,
Friend follow me, as I once did you.
Friend, now you see?
Yes, you see,
The little wisps in the fog that guide us home."

~In memory of Bill Hamman, and all else who have suffered the pains of Alzheimer's


Details | Free verse | |

You dont know what its like to be me

You say im happy,
you say my life is perfect,
you say im so lucky.
But you dont know,
you dont see,
im drowning in the sea,
im struggling to breathe,
Im struggling to survive,
I cant go on, its just to much,
surrounded by the tears,
the pain, 
the fears.
I want to escape this sea,
of dying dreams.
I want to be happy, 
live life to the fullest.
I need your touch.
Your love,
your heart,
i need you.
I need you to save me,
get me out of the sea,
keep me from drowning,
and not break my heart.
I need to keep going. 
I cant give up.
I have much more life to go.
I cant give up yet. 
But you just dont know, how much pain, and suffering i go through, to survive the 
day.
You say im happy, 
You say my life is perfect,
But dont you see, me drowning in the sea?
Im not happy, im not perfect, my life sucks.
I cant do anything right, im not perfect
Im just flowing down this river of crushed dreams.
I have my hopes and dreams, 
but to live your life, knowing they will never come true,
is pain, and suffer.
You dont know, you donw know what its like to be me,
or whats its like to drown in the sea,
or flow down the river of crushed dreams,
You just dont know,
what its like, to be me.


Details | Free verse | |

Lost, Without Hope

Everywhere I look, all I see is nothing A vast space full of water, the current pulling me out to nowhere Kicking and screaming I’m trying to stay above the wild waves But the crash and smash against me, the water filling my lungs I cannot breathe and I cannot float much longer I want so desperately to have something to cling to But yet I am alone in this fight, to keep my mind above To keep myself from sinking to the depths of depression A dark, endless pit that I will not be able to escape The burning anger above me And sweltering sadness beneath me Challenge me in my everyday To try and hold on to the thin lines of reality The lines that are blurring before my very eyes I do not know how much longer I can keep I want it all to end…but I do not want to end it all I am so tired…so very tired But sleep dances away from me, Like a young child on a play ground, sleep runs and hides The giggles of him I can hear, here and there But I cannot reach him He his beyond my capacities, beyond my boundaries And I’m losing this fight to stay above the water I feel like I’m drowning ‘ISN’T ANYONE THERE’ I cry And I weep, but honestly I really don’t know why Why I feel so trapped in this grey world With no escape and no reverence I am lost in the wild furls of my psychotic mind Where no one can find me, no one can help me…save me Alone and drowning I try to grasp onto the thin wisp of hope But it is false and was gone before it ever appeared I am lost, with nothing but the water and fire The darkness, and terror I have nothing to hold onto Yet I keep fighting, I keep fighting this losing battle But I do not know how much longer I will last


Details | Free verse | |

L. I. F. E. (Living In Fear Everywhere)

L iving 
I n
F ear
E verywhere

Just as we live and just as we die 
We laugh, kill and crucify
We are no more our brothers than we are ourselves 
We are the players 
With the tools and talent of the efficient demise 
Of war, famine and greed 
We do rise
 
Of the ever constant ricochet of freedom in our ears
As we wrap our fallen dead in a shroud of rights, laws and bills 
And continue to improve the technology, the precision 
The assurance of absolute destruction 

Buying death is easy
Dealing is easier 
Survival 
The career choice of many 
A thriving business with prestige and power 
Taking, wanting, hungry for the rush 
So young, so fragile 
Blood is running in the streets 
A seemingly endless fountain of misguided youth 
Falling, one after the other 
So far from the truth 

S  hocked 
A  ngry
D  epressed 

What good has ever come from a gun ?
Why kill ?
Why are we arming our children ?
Our future ?
Are you blind to the fact ?
Do you not hear the sound ?
Do you not see ? 
Do you not care ?
We are killing ourselves 
Stealing each others dreams 
Each others families 
Why pro-create ?
To produce, raise, and nurture more disposable targets ?
Is there another use for guns ? 
1 + 1 = 0
One bullet + one individual = one less reason to care 
We are waging war upon our brothers for money, love and survival 

G  ive 
U  s
N  o
S  anity

All to easy....................
Living In Fear Everywhere 


Eric (and sometimes not)


Details | Free verse | |

David

David, you mean the very world to me and more
Can you forgive me?
You brighten my days when I am low and dead
And you listen—you always are there to listen
Bearing all things, you let me cry on your shoulder
You comforted me when I was scared to death
Of the demons…always watching…you were there
Watching over me, scaring them away from me
You save me by being alive and who you are, David
Without you, I would fall apart and shrivel into shame
Because there are few that listen—few that listen
You draw the poisons of my pain clear out
And you let them sink into your own skin
You swallowed my poison instead of spitting it out
I let you drown, David—forgive me…I let you drown
I’m selfish and rude, and I always ignore you
And for ever doing that, I hate myself
Seeing you in your last moments…woke me up
I’ve been a selfish bastard and I hate me
For never giving you enough love

David you are everything to us all and more
Do you hear me?
You are so uplifting to all of those around you 
You are selfless—so incredibly selfless
And in the silence you lifted me high with praise
Because I knew you would always be the one to give it
Never was there a day that you didn’t believe in me
Even when in darkness have I buried you in all matters of sin
Your light blinds the demonic rust...your light always shining
Never leaving me in the dust but never expecting the same back
And I never saved you! From all the loneliness
I never thought of you! I was so selfish
I will never let you go again—I will fight for your glory
You are amazing in every way
Far braver and brighter than I have ever dreamed to be
I let you down this time, David…I cried for your life
But now I ask for your forgiveness
Seeing you being taken away…crushed me to the marrow
I’ve never hated myself more than tonight
But I will never, ever say goodbye

*for my little brother, David William Breidenthal - I would love for you guys to read some of his poetry. He is a brilliant kid. And he’s been having some tough times. Thanks. *


Details | Free verse | |

I Know Now

The scars will not disappear from my skin: They're the price I pay to atone for my sin. A constant reminder of my hideous deed When they brought to me answers for my self-loathing need. I did this to me, to sharpen my sorrow, To add to my agony, to eradicate tomorrow. The people all see, and for that I'm ashamed. They don't understand; of course I am blamed. I thought my pain was too much for one soul to bear, But I would be missed so much for not being there. So I'm sorry my loves, my family, my friends. It was so selfish of me to want it to end.


Details | Free verse | |

Overprotected Heart

Overprotected Heart

A broken heart
Pieces kept together by razor wire
Such pain
Wounds from the last moment I saw you
Did you know that your words had such power?
Did you know that my heart would fall apart?
No silk threads would seal the chasms
It frayed and tore with every word
Not a drop of blood was spilt
There was none left after your attack
The sharpness of the razor wire
Its shiny points wrapped around my heart
Stabbing into the gentle muscle
Drops of blood on the tip of every blade
They reminds me of your words
The hurt you caused
It stops others from getting in
Not giving them the chance to do what you did
My heart is protected from hurt
From you and your meanness
Protected from love and happiness
All because of you


Details | Free verse | |

What hurt's me the most

Every time your not next to me
I fell like your being distant

Every time your saying mean things
It makes me feel like you don't love me at all

Every time we argue
It hurts me so much it makes me want to hurt myself

Every time you give me an attitude
I feel like your bringing me down

Every time your angry at things I tell you
It makes me feel like you hate me

Every time you look away from me
I feel like you don't want to be with me

Every time I try to joke around 
You get mad at the jokes I make

But what hurts me the most
Is the way you accuse me of cheating


Details | Free verse | |

Withdrawal in a dream

How different this place
this sanctuary feels, here
inside one’s head. Where
insidious illusions fondle
a subvert mind, and obscenities
resonate within the confusion,
when fidgety creatures, assume
guardianship of my preternatural
situation, scurry around my space,
creating lattice of fabrication
across the quaking ceiling.
My imagination becoming
their fodder, my perception
their power, my tenacity
their strength, before spinneret
interweaves segregation of my
day and night.
Bollocks! To the physician of eastern
promise, he that controls this
nightmare, drip feeding diurnal
poison to this empathy
lost within an advocated paradox!
“Yet surely I have no need of
hatred, now I am confined within a
fragment of one’s dream.”
A genus of warmth; yet a confused
state of perplexity that knows
no boundaries, where bloodstain
walls survey me, incessant shadows
dance in gutless sunlight, and
radical rays anoint me with
“Hope and religion.”
I call out to Rock’n’roll!
Sammy Turner gives me
an impetuous rendering of
“Lavender Blue.”
Then I see an old man struggling
with his own situation. Touched
I call out.
“Are you ‘Jesus Christ?”
He scans my inquiring mind.
He senses I’m an imposter,
he raises one finger
affords me two words!
Both of one demystified syllable!

© Harry J Horsman  


Details | Free verse | |

Did you not Notice?

Did you not notice I was slippin,
                       cause you didnt catch my fall.
                        Did you not notice I had fallin 
                             cause you didnt help me up...
                                 so I stayed there for awhile.
                                 Did you not notice I was drowning,
                                   cause you didnt offer me your hand....
                                 so I sank to the bottom.
                               Did you not notice  I was dying,
                             cause you didnt try to revive me.
                            Did you not notice I was Dead,
                         Cause you werent at my Funeral.
                       Did you not notice I was in Hell,
                    When i would haunt you with my soul caught on fire...
                                   and you didnt put out the flames.
                           ... And im just Wondering how did you not notice?
                                                

                        By.Jessica Bowie


Details | Free verse | |

It's Hard to Care

It's hard to care about something if you get no care in return..
It's hard to help someone if they refuse to let you in..
It's hard to believe something if you've never experienced it yourself..
It's hard to accept a situation when you know you can't do anything about it..

Is it that I care too much?
Am I smothering people with my feelings?
Do they not realize what I'm trying to do?
Why can't they accept that I worry?

They need to know I love them.. 

Perhaps I just don't understand..
Maybe I worry too much..
I guess making myself sick is just Me overreacting..
Or maybe they don't realize how serious I am..

I'm willing to care for you..
Keep you in my heart for as long as you want me..
Even if you treat me like I'm nothing..
I'll still love you just a little bit

If you're good enough to be my friend,
You're good enough for my love..
I'll be here for you all forever..
As long as you can accept the offer stated above..


Details | Free verse | |

Palisades Park

A rodent in the road

Jammed into my  tires

As I screeched to a halt,

Then bolted past

Remembering a deer

In the headlights

A victim underneath me

Forever frozen in ice

And slow motioned into

Sleepwalking in my mind

An instant replay triggered

By any myriad of buttons

Pushed at random

An overheard conversation

At the dentist’s office

Sending x-ray recollections

Into forward play and 

Changing my breath and

My complexion as I relive

My murders,

Clawed forever into a brain

Those guilty priests cannot forgive

Even God has allowed me to allow the

Remnants to remain for now

Brushed against my heart

Like orange and purple sunsets

At Palisades Park.


Details | Free verse | |

i am

i am from you have to work for it
from worthless and invisible
i am from hatred.

i am from 7
from black and white
i am from not begin accepted for who i am

i am from you are who you are for a reason
from depression to anxiety 
i am from i want to be happy

i am from Spanish
from puerto Rican to dominican 
i am from slang

i am from Michigan to Indiana
from drugs and alcohol abuse
i am Tiffany (12.22.11)

i am from grandmas house
from Christmas tree to scary costumes
i am from big celebrations

i am from don't talk back 
from sleeping in
i am you fend for yourself

i am from the heart and soul
from beat and rhythm
i am from hip-hop and r&b

i am from jeep music 
from slow jamz to gospel
i am music

i am from Illinois
from small town
i am bloomington

i am from two human begins 
from the womb inside my mother
i am Ayanah


Details | Free verse | |

dark thoughts

darkened moon
filthy room

five fast bullets
locked and loaded

perilous inches
from my head

fate is held
by my true loves' hand


Details | Free verse | |

Mined Mind

Surprise ties to realization binds me to lies and the truth of who I am and where I've 
been. The slim chance that I might be is whimsicle at best but the rest of the story is 
told in storey by storey by molding life into what makes sense. Intense. I can't blend 
the cold oil and water, just watch it pretend to get along. Prince's prints on my soul just 
hint of stature but not of purpose, not of plan. Not damnation or salvation but salvaging 
what can be, for whatever will be, sera. Merlin is not pleased by this pattern of 
discussion, so the percussion must change tempo and timber. The brass should ask the 
opposite. Three foot strides in the ebb-tide can't subside or I'll be crucified as well. Are 
you beside yourself as well? It's the way of my Suessesque rhetoric to make sensible 
nonsense. Thence the mined mind is twice mine and I leave you entwined, or 
undermined, as you prefer.


Details | Free verse | |

Darkness

Complete darkness
No sound at all
This is where you live
No one to talk to
The blackness, engulfing
Smothering the air out of you
In this vast void with lack of light
You are forced to believe
That you see a speck
A tiny green light
Way off in the distance
This blot of light brings so much hope
So many desires
You can hardly breath
Suddenly the light grows larger
You feel elated
Then FLASH
Complete darkness
No sound at all
Things are back
To the way they will always be


Details | Free verse | |

Prisoner

I sabotage my happiness
with every chance I get
I wollow in my sadness
my fears and my regrets 

I beg for love to claim me
but I am fearful of its strenght
I stop to smell the flowers
but soon forget their scent

I ache for new adventure 
but make no move to progress
I dream of all that could be 
but I am un-inspired yet

I have made myself a prisoner 
in a cell that's dull and bleak
I view the world through Iron bars
as I sit and rot and weep


Details | Free verse | |

Broken and Unbroken

I’m broken, shattered to pieces.
No one sees me.
No one hears me.
Trapped and lonely 
In this world
Beginning to wonder if anyone
Actually cares.
Screaming as loud as the seas will roar.
Finding my place through that open door.
Whispering to him
The secrets I have 
Are secrets no more.
Silently sitting in a back corner,
Knowing my voice is nothing to honor.
All at once
I’m where I should be.
My pieces aren’t shattered,
And I’m not broken anymore. 











May 13th 2008


Details | Free verse | |

For What's Worth Breathing


Look at me
I am the life in a wasteland

Look at me
I am the slavery through the ages

Look at me
I am the mirror of the world

Look at me
I am the illusion I’ve fought for

Look at me
I’m still loving you

and I keep being here

for you, for me,
and for what’s worth breathing


Details | Free verse | |

Be My Own Version Of Death

wrap your arms around me a little too tight
let yourself be the noose that ends my life
tear ladders in my tights while holding me down
pull a little too hard and drag me to hell
take my heart, its in the center to the left
its yours, my darling, take it right out of my chest
clutch my hand a little too roughly
shatter my bones and call me lovely 
take me to the Eiffel tower, guide me to the top
hold me from behind and give me a gentle shove 
rip my ribs out with your teeth, one by one by one
play them like the grand piano, show them how its done
lather your lips with venom, careful not to taste
kiss me until my last breath, simply watch me break.


Details | Free verse | |

The Doll

10-21-12

Like Sally I sense tragedy’s at hand For this heart can only sew so much Until all string is used to the last strand Hanging dolls staring at my lonesome self I wish I was more than what they see If only they’d welcome me on their shelf My porcelain skin would win over all Inanimate beings look alive at my face As I let my angriest plastic tear fall I can’t be SxTxIxTxCxHxExD this time. . . I can’t be displayed. . . I can’t remove the grime I’ve become the doll And we all sense the worst A happy ending for them all And when they finally welcome me to their shelf It is empty and caked with dust Leaving me staring. . . at MxYxSxExLxF Like Sally I sensed tragedy at hand But unlike her, that’s how I stay I stay. I stay. I stay. SxTxOxP. . . IxT IxS SxTxAxRxIxNxG AxGxAxIxN. . . SxHxE WxOxNxT LxExT MxE SxLxExExP SxHxE HxAxTxExS MxE. . .


Details | Free verse | |

The Doors Of Fate

The Doors Of Fate

What is there to fear?
Hundreds of doors
Some closed
Some open
Each with a different choice
A different fear to face
Darkness and light
Each telling a different tale
Each making you think of what you have done
What you will do
What the universe holds in store for you
Will one choice make you happy?
Will another end your life?
Each one has hope, desperation and death
Yet you do not know which is which
No one will help you choose
Your fate lies within your hands
But you will never know what is coming
What has come before
The doors open and close before you
You stand there and just watch as they choose
And your fates are decided


Details | Free verse | |

Blinded

Heavy heart weighs me down
Troubles the mind
Obscures clear thought

Turbulent life coexists
Within the realm of the couple
On a plain different 
From where love resides

As shattered glass blocks the view 
But stays in place
People, too, can be the shards
Left there to block another
Not allowing the vision
The sight of what may be

May the glass fall to the ground
Opening up the skies to those in need
Opening up the horizons 
To the blind

May it not cut when falling
For with each piece
Are spoken words 
Which draw blood
Leaving scars

Heavy heart weighs me down
Troubles the mind
Obscures clear thought


Details | Free verse | |

Sanity

my sanity seems to unravel

like frayed shoe-laces on a rainy day

I keep tripping on in the mud

but when I go to tie them

I find myself barefoot

rooted in an unsatiable lust

for something other than reality

a blood-letting of sorts

a scream that dies

before it escapes my throat

my struggle is not one of boredom or regret

rather a confusing mixture

of powders, pills, and mind-control

and some weird state of non-commital emotion

a dark ocean of something mistakenly called

anti-depression

I’ve never really been in control

but I fight with a might that might surpise you

and win most battles and lose most wars

realizing too late that I’m the only one

keeping score

another day of willing the sun to stay down

to allow me to drown

in a dreamscape of something greater

inhibit my feelings or leave me alone

this is something I’ll always fight

alone



Details | Free verse | |

Fragile

Tears running down her cheek
So many hurtful words
So many left unsaid
Eyes swollen with the agony of his memory.

Life:
A horrific nightmare
Feelings:
Dead to all
Heart:
Broken to pieces
She's fragile and ready to fall.

Eyes dripping with sadness
Her heart growing colder than ice
Out the window and into the night
Swearing the last tears were cried.

Life:
A horrific nightmare
Feelings:
Dead to all
Heart:
Broken to pieces
She's fragile and ready to fall.

Losing control of all emotions
Sanity slipping from her fingers
Wanting memories of him to leave
Wishing the pain would wash away.

Life:
A horrific nightmare
Feelings:
Dead to all
Heart:
Broken to pieces
She's fragile and ready to fall.


Details | Free verse | |

frantic thoughts

things just arent the same...
with you gone 
its like you were never there
like a ghost...
haunting my mind
haunting my dreams 
its driving me crazy
i sometimes wonder
what it would have been like...
but no...
i dont want to think that
it makes you being gone harder to deal with
every single day is hell
because you left me alone to do this
and i cant...
im not strong without you
it was us...against the world
and you vanished before my eyes
leaving me to fight 
but i cant.
because every single moment of this life is a struggle
you held me up when i was weak
and now im left falling forever in this endless hole of pain...
drowning in my own tears 
wishing you were still here to save me
but youre not...
and im still here.
wondering if you were ever real
or just my minds way of saving me
but you have to have been real
i still feel you beside me 
i still hear your voice...
you have to have been real...

you have to have been real...

were you ever real? 

but where does this leave me. 
stuck here in a trance
trying to make myself believe 
trying to remember what your voice sounded like
trying to remember your smell
trying to remember your laugh
the memories are to vivid. too real.
so thats it then. 
youre just a memory to me.
maybe thats how its meant to be....


Details | Free verse | |

It's Falling

It's not suicide,
it's falling.
Falling hopelessly,
helplessly into that dark place.
The one you've covered up for so long.
The one that is hidden behind your smiles and laughs and rehearsed joy.
For so long you've waited,
everyday only getting closer and closer to the edge.
You cut and bleed, hurting yourself because somehow, 
someway it helps with the pain.
When things are good, they're bad.
When things are bad, they're horrible.
The pain of day to day life can be only so tolerated.
'Till that day when the cutting, 
poking,
prodding, 
and bleeding doesn't help anymore.
And you finally fall.
You slip so effortlessly into that dark hole,
where there's no room for light. 
Nothing but the final escape from that bitter pain.
Freedom.
As it gets darker and darker, you can see the light.
Not a light of something better, but a light that it's all over.
It's like a continuous rabbit hole,
never ending.
Until you hit the bottom and you're gone.
It's not suicide,
it's falling.


Details | Free verse | |

Shadows

As the moon aligns itself with the stars
I search to find me
Can’t find my way
My psyche is perplexed
Seemingly, I long to be found
Yet, I have left no trail of sanity
Left no footprints of sincerity 
Silhouettes are numerous
Where I was last portrayed
A mire outline, a profile
A mirage
Depicts the whereabouts of my mind
Illusions and premonitions
Forebode life
Foreshadow the inhabitation of despair
Predict the transition into solitude
Sheer hues of the deep, dark night
Diversify the challenge of discovery
Still I search
Overlooking not one possibility
Though my vision impaired
I continue franticly 
Seeking for myself
Among the many shadows  


Details | Free verse | |

Lamenting Spirit

Seemingly standing alone,
In the shadows of doubt and fear,
Lost, cold, forgotten,
Cold is the grasp of death that nears

Seeking a hand in darkness of solitude,
Wishing for nothing but a love,
Turned away, cast aside, borne not even a stray, lone thought,
Towering aloft, looked down upon from far above

Throned so high overhead, just as kings of old,
Glared down upon, a lowly tear forsaken so,
Caught within a trap, drowning, mists of sorrow,
A voice unheard, a voice deserted, only a voice in woe

Wandering such great, forlorn paths,
A derelict mind harshly beat, a mind that has since long been vacant,
Rove, this neglected child does,
One mind among so many, outcast, this dolor mind abeyant. 


Details | Free verse | |

Hurt by Thoughts

Abusive words
Thoughts read aloud
A shot to my heart

They said:
I'm the problem in this world
I'm the rock in their shoe
I'm breaking them apart
I'm their problem
Maybe it's true

Lost in depression
Sicker than death
It hurts like it, too.

They said:
I'm the problem in this world
I'm the rock in their shoe
I'm breaking them apart
I'm their problem
Maybe it's true

Depression sinking deeper
My sanity gone
Lost control of myself

They said:
I'm the problem in this world
I'm the rock in their shoe
I'm breaking them apart
I'm their problem
Maybe it's true

Lost everything in life
Struggled for acceptance
Instead a stab in my back

All because they said:
I'm the problem in this world
I'm the rock in their shoe
I'm breaking them apart
I'm their problem
Maybe it's true.


Details | Free verse | |

My Way of Crying

The metal bed frame is cold against my calf
The blade in my hand is cold too
I am cold
I feel unreal, transparent
Here is the answer
The way to let go and be
Overwhelmed
I’ll make it alright to cry
The blade meets flesh
And I wait for the bite
Something greater than
The bite of grief
Pain, guilt, anger
My grip doesn’t falter
The tears come
Rosy warmth and comfort
Fill the furrows of my heel
Create a river down
My icy calf
The tears come
Clean spirits streak
Their dirty little trails
And I feel empty
And for a time
Have peace


Details | Free verse | |

True Agony

I have drunk from the cup of Sorrow,
Yet my thirst has not been slaked.
So I drink from the cup of Pain,
And I have slaked my thirst at last.

For I now bear the fruits of agony,
Because I have drunk from both cups.
I know Pain,
My closest friend.

I know Sorrow,
My dearest comfort.
I can not turn my back to the pain,
Nor to the sorrow.

They are my allies,
And yet, they are also my enemies.
I can not run from either,
But nor can I stay with them.

My heart is broken,
I know true agony.
For my friend, my mentor,
You are now the deceiver, the traitor.

I will walk this earth,
Bearing both pain and sorrow in my heart.
Nothing will ease my burdens,
For now I am the bearer of Agony's greatest triumph.


Details | Free verse | |

So Cruel (Repost)

In the darkness , I hear voices saying “ Rest-in Peace “
  The sound, of thunder, the shovel  full of sweet earth
           Cascading upon my casket  Death is Imminent

In the silence of my thoughts I await  the Heavenly Light
  The quietude of Death, the dreams of my beloved LENORE
            Soon I will leave this Limbo, this blacken Purgatory.

In life I waited decades for OUR Souls to become ENTWINED
  My most beloved LENORE : Where is the GLORY of FOREVER?                                       
This is my grim and ghastly, soundless colourless  ETERNITY
  No songs of My LENORE, no brilliance of LENORE’S  Beauty 
                                      SO     CRUEL 
                                  SO    VERY   CRUEL


Details | Free verse | |

invisible

They really don't know me.
My existence doesn't affect them.
Unseen on the crowded streets.
Just another passing breeze.
A name not even carelessly whispered.
Just another number.
I'm falling through the cracks.

An echoless scream resounds in my ears.
And so it goes for years and years.
The same unvisited house.
Never noticed at the end of the street.
Where curtains of iron protect;
From intruders who never come.

The unpainted mailbox,cocooned in cobwebs.
Houses the loveletters yet to be sent.
Near the unmarked grave;
In a lonely plot embedded in weeds.
Where the flowers are invisible just like me.


Details | Free verse | |

The Chasm Of Depression And Death

The Chasm Of Depression And Death

Screams heard in the far off distance
Tales of pain and horror
Echoing through the night
They call for a hope that is never to come
Their calls fall on deaf ears of those who went before
The light from the distant blood red moon is dim in lost chasm
Unable to show what the night has hidden
Depression and thoughts of death fill the air
Young people die by their own hands
One useless suicide after another
Their futures destroyed while their screams go unanswered
Hope hides on the edge of the valley
Just out of reach and so far out of their dreams
It waits for someone to find it
Wanting to reach down to help
It starves from the lack of attention
Young people dying in a chasm of depression and death
Never giving life or hope a chance
Never looking to the heavens
Never finding what they should have seen all along
If only someone, somewhere would have said something
Made them look harder at the edge of the chasm
Maybe it could have saved just one life
Then another and another until the chasm closed
And no other young person would fall into its depths


Details | Free verse | |

My Downfall

My Downfall is the most difficult of them all.
I love my husband but he has a hard time showing me the same.
When he gets mad he call me cruel names.
I love him with all my heart and i want our marriage to last.
Our son deserve to grow with two loving parents .
Not just one.

In the beginning, we were inseparable. 
but that changed when we said " I Do"
He feels as if he owns me and that i don't like .

My downfall is falling in love.


Details | Free verse | |

Forbidden Fate

Every night I lay awake
I think about you all the same
Your eyes like stars
Your mind like mine
Your smile so gentle
I don't know why
I should have to suffer this
Pain of rejection that you give
Because you said one time
There was never a chance
Oh how I wish to hold your hand
And dance away the night alone
With you, my love
My hearts yours to own
Just say the word
I'll be there
I'll do my best to answer your prayers
I'll do my best to make you smile
Even if just for a while
I long to hold you so very close
And I shed a tear for this verse I wrote
Cause I know that we will never be
Together forever as I know we should be


Details | Free verse | |

In Your World

So I wonder why you liked me in the first place, Its not like you act like you ever did now. I fell for you from the first time we touched, And I really thought you cared. Apparently not, though. I don’t really blame you; I’m not that great, But you acted like you cared. Cared about me. Did you really? Do you? Whatever, I can’t get you out of my mind But apparently I don’t even exist in yours.


Details | Free verse | |

In the Shallows

           I bent over to touch my toes
               and the ground tore open like a backbone.

I tried to feed myself the sky;
to splice my tearducts into the universe 
so that, when the pavement cried, it would mean something to me.
My fingernails punctured that slimy membrane
congealed with stars, 
and I brought a slice of it to my lips,
hot and slippery like a jellyfish.
Peach juice, chalky-sweet, flowed,
fleshy particles snagged in my teeth,
and the colors erupted within my mouth.

Synthesia took over my lungs.
The hollows between my knuckles flooded with synovia
and all the ectoplasm threatened to separate from my cells
with a sound like thunder.
Diphthong tasted rusty like leukoplakia as it tiptoed across my tongue.
Tomorrow rose like the skeletons of trees, 
groping for a feeling similar to catharsis
[catharsis tender as the broken wings of doves,
crunching underfoot like shattered glass.]

The clouds opened their thunderous maws
- teeth snicker-snacking, lamplight-eyes flaming the color of E#'s -
and consumed me.
I felt my skin turn to something other than skin:
thick and rough with scales,
my fingerprints melting into something waxen, smooth and opaque,
like pomegranate kisses on coffee mugs.
A feeling ignited deep in my structure;
cedillas blossoming like lilies from my lips,
fragmented sentences stretching taut as guitar strings
between my thumb and forefingers.  
A flutter gentle and demonic as Calcifer erupted from my system
- splattering hot and frothing into my hand -
and fluid rushed in.

   I dared to taste oblivion,
       and the sky swallowed me. 

My lungs failed to be lungs.
They flooded with caustic matter,
and I coughed up reflections sharp as fiberglass;
fighting with organs phthisical and sore.
I struggled to find a way to describe it:
the feeling of consuming something greater than yourself,
of opening your eyes and tasting the sound of rain.
It was like swimming, 
but inside out.

            I bent over to touch my toes,
              and my spine tore open;
            the loose laces unraveling, veterbrae poking out
          like the tines of forks.
            I tried to contort myself into the beginning,
              but I only found where I end.


Details | Free verse | |

I Can't

I wanted to forget you and forgive…
But the days
Never passed fast enough!
Scourging days 
Of pain and misery
That only made me feel
So sorry for this 
Sorrowful self of mine…
I can’t… 
I guess I never really moved on.
I know we still talk,
But it’s never quite the same!
Going back now
Seems like certain death!
… Perhaps that is the best option:
Going back each night,
In my thoughts,
So I could die some more
With every tear I shed.
I can’t….
But I admit it now:
There is no love for my kind!


© 2009 Stefania Carmen Misaila


Details | Free verse | |

Emotional Bruise

Emotionally pinched
bruises the mind
blinds the eye from seeing
internal scars still bleeding
denial of the worst kind
feelings left behind
alone and distraught
in shadows of black and gray
surrounded by emptiness
.
Heart in shreds
gloom and dread
torn apart thoughts
doors of communication closed
beyond reach in saving
numb in soul
crying inside for help
prisoner of pain and hurt
trapped in confinement
of misery.


Details | Free verse | |

Burn it Away

Those bad memories
They burn so deep
It hurts so bad
Make them stop
Make the tears freeze and forget
All the pain I feel
All this regret revealed
Burn it away


Details | Free verse | |

A Single Tear

A Single Tear

Trying to hold it back
It is too hard especially with a broken heart
A single tear flows down my cheek
Telling the world of my sadness
What mistakes I made
Ones that I cannot change
Words I said
Others I should have said
Yet others I could have said but didn’t
Raging in my memory
They tear at my soul
Trying to escape to release the pain
Years, decades they try while they rip me apart
Finally every words is released
Not in a flood
Not in a torrent
But in a single tear flowing down my cheek.


Details | Free verse | |

Oh, Baby

You haunt me, constantly
twisting my dreams into nightmares, and
nerve-racking my mind at the sight of pampers.
Approaching forty, mother of none:
why couldn’t I give birth to more than a hope?
Happily single, despite what you say, without
dealing with a kid who’ll only grow to hate me,
the crumb-snatcher taking from my plans and pay,
but....
I’m so damn lonely and you know it.
You,
you with your what-ifs and would’ve-could’ve-should’ves,
not allowing me to soundly sleep,
making me carry that weight,
with a life as empty as my womb,
tormented
by immoral choices that
stopped your possibilities.
I can only
now say:
“Mommy’s sorry.”


Details | Free verse | |

She

she stares out her window, eyes swollen with pain,
she looks outside to see only pouring rain,
how can she lie? this reflects how she feels,
how can she lie, after this, she wont ever heal,
seeing birds gliding free from care,
how she wished she was anywhere but right there,
alone in her room, half way across the world,
sits a small insignificant little girl.


Details | Free verse | |

Dream You'll Never Mention

Tell me
Have you ever had a dream
A dream where your own blood fell upon blue roses
And you fell through the ground as petals floated on the wind
Tangling in your hair
Red and blue rotting jewels 
The thick smell of old blood at the bottom of your own well
A dream where your heart felt the impact before the rest of you
And stopped for just a moment
Cold in your chest with the realization of death
And woke up
And then you cried
It didn’t change your life or the way you acted
It did not make you stop your closed door ritual 
Or throw your kit away
It scared you so bad, and yet
You never told another soul about your dream
Or what lies just beneath you tattered sleeves and ragged jeans
You want and do not want to be saved, for someone to know
Tell me
Have you ever lived a nightmare
You didn’t know how to escape? 


Details | Free verse | |

Damn This Road

Damn This Road

How long have I been driving?
My watch tells me that it has only been hours since I left
It feels like days…maybe weeks since the last time I saw another car
An endless strand of aging asphalt leading from one place to another
Pulling me down the dark road to a place the Fates have chosen for me
Only distant tribal music on a nowhere AM radio station keeps me company
The DJ’s sleepy voice drones on in an unending monologue
How many miles of this do I Have to tolerate?
Islands of amber lights reflect off low slung clouds marking the distances
Like an oasis signs talks of food, drink and sleep tempt all weary travelers
In names of towns with exotic names tell me where I am
The sun rises on a new day with me with a hundred miles to go
It is still a hundred miles but there is hope
Hope that this road will end and I will once again be with people
My mind races with just one thought as I see my exit…damn this road!


Details | Free verse | |

Transparency

Author Note: I wrote this after the Address last night as my take on the transparency of our 
government. 



Where does the white go
when the snow melts?
It becomes transparent,
for all to witness its passage
from one form
to another?

It will never again have substance
or be recognized as what 
was its original state.

Transparency,
doomed to mix with 
unsavory elements,
no longer a brilliant white,
rather, 
becomes covert.

Covered by dirty slush
to be stomped throughout
the halls of government,
to be spread around
under the guise of openness.

Soon,
will become invisible,
no longer a nuisance,
transparent, to forever
be squelched
by power and corruption 
hiding behind closed doors,
where transparency is not allowed,
where truth becomes lies,
where is hidden....
where the white goes 
when the snow melts


Details | Free verse | |

Wrists

The sharp edge 
catches the light on my
wrist like a bangle that was 
meant to be there

The blade has teeth but
doesn't smile
it just knows, it just understands
me
and my shaking fingers

like a servant 
it will do as I ask
like a slave
there is no choice
like a friend 
it loves me more than others
who find themselves
on the opposite side
of my locked
bathroom door

And now I call, now I let fall
all of the change
I would never see come to pass
I hold tight to the razor edge
and bury it through my vanishing skin
I can't win, but I will be here
fighting back the world
with a leaking heart

Which spills off my arms...
onto a desensitized, white floor

This is my door, my way
my red choice forming pools
around my fallen, slumped hands

I just want to be understood
I just want to show
all this color within

And you can have it now
I give you all of me
colorless and empty

Since now I finally make it right
I've finally saved 
my
life...


Details | Free verse | |

Elevators: 5 Horsemen

Part 1

Onion

the delicacy of friendship

I found you in the flowers
Standing tall we become one
Looking down from gangly towers
Squash, you burn, you pillage, son.

Follow me you say in tongues
Thy shallow mind reveal me tell
Whisper lies clean load the guns
I feel the burn I rot in hell

Friend folly menacing the liar
I loathe this coffin how it leaks
Dear foe you raped me set on fire
The onion peal itself and weeps

Part 2

Traitor

dear monkey boy

Older eyes eat themselves,
glance and kill the other
Unified in the dance,
they steer the musty rudder.

Pained and sweeter deeper wells,
poised buckets drunk with water.
Singled out the one that dried,
handed weights to pull him under.

Wiser times capture the mind,
death justifies dishonor.
Knife slice neat through the devil's back,
who stares blank and milks the udder.

Part 3

Tempest

patron saint

Inside this box
Goodbye tempestuous fall
My puppet of steel coiled thread
Smashed buttons and twisted dread,
Alarm these doors, and
Escape this delusive bunker bed

Stamp the spiders
Thief, vulture of the deflection
The mocking patron of the sinners
Erase this affliction
Relating inward at the reflection

Rise you fool

Part 4

Phoenix

i love you

close the grip
cinched hematic grip
drenched, clawing
seeking the sheave
becoming the counterweight

i absorb, now
extracting the heat
rise like a phoenix
away to be gone to be free
fix me! i have fixed me

i am alive and i love you

Part 5

Aye, Damager

Abolish her state of disrepair
Scattered, spattered drippy thoughts
All around this box of soused leaves
Soak, ferment in the faith of our love

I can't fix this, you know
I loathe this misunderstanding
Of what I am speaking, projecting
To me, Aye Damager, to you

This devil in me
turned and twisted
A wrecked elevator in rejection
Years locked painfully aware

...


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide Child

I can't remember if the sun was shining
Or if the clouds looked down on me as I stood 
A child of ten standing on a window sill 
Whispering to himself he should

It started shortly after I woke
Distant where the trigger was
I'm guessing just the overflow
of everything they did and said

Finally ground down by all around
And though I'd fought for years 
Death becomes a friend
When she's the only one there for you

Knowing I would soon be in the playground 
Where no nurse could make better the names they cruelled 
Knowing my mothers boyfriend was down stairs 
Waiting for his latest vile whim to unfold

My mind consumed by every name called
I was not the same they proved 
Alone in my crowded thoughts
T o death I looked for belonging

As I dressed my imagination dreamt
What could happen today? 
Exploding into the unknown 
My strength rapidly dissolved
I could see no directions 
that didn't lead to another painful day

As my journey to the end begun
All they told me loading the gun
All that made me different from
Pushing me closer and closer to the edge of no return

In front of the mirror I stood
Cut off my curly hair
No longer the golliwog
That their taunts would compare

I covered my skin in talcum powder
As I didn't want to be
That horrible thick coon
he always called me.

My hair a mess
My colour unmasked
Tired, Frightened, alone,
I decided enough, enough

Standing on the window sill
The last bastion for survival colliding inside 
As the exhausted wishes to hang on
Were overcome by the desperation to escape this hollow excuse for life

No single tear a cry for help
As id learnt they choose not to hear
I urge myself towards an end to the hurt
where the crying would clear

As I engulf my mind in my final moments
And call for death to take my hand 
From across the road a woman called 
To this day she probably doesn't know she saved my life

Tears unintentionally
Created rivers down talcum powdered cheeks
But my mother didn't laugh 
when she found me

I guess that's where you'd expect everything to be made right 
I guess that's where I learnt to no longer believe
Through every promising word in the wake of what could 
They didn't do what they should


Details | Free verse | |

See How You Left Me

See how you left me
Just see how you kept me
A lonely canoe paddler
In turbulent and windy waters

Let me go into oblivion
For i am lost in nowhere
Yea! Let my memory be swallowed
In total and unrepentant coma.

I am not blind yet i cannot see
I am healthy yet very sick
Because you left me with nothing
Gasping for strength in solitude

I turn left, its emptiness i feel
My right holds darkness in daylight
My foot knocks in utter fear, for
Pain has become my friend

You left carrying my love unreturned
Wearing the hood of a stranger
Uttering dark and piercing words
As you sail away to strangeness

Oh just see how you left me
A proverb before many mouths
A walking flesh without bones
Just see how you left me


Details | Free verse | |

Agonizing Love

Sharp Pains in my chest
a fire started in my throat
the sting of torment inmy eyes
a weary feeling in my heart

those last few words
that horrid look
the bitter sound of your voice
is torture to my ears

a hammer to my heart
a bullet to the brain
can someone please stop him
from causing me this pain?

I promise to never do this again
if I knew that this would happen
it never would have started
I never would have loved you.

I can't hold up any longer
I'm falling out of love.
is this how heartbreak feels?
it hurts...
I'll never love again.


Details | Free verse | |

Note to Self:

Don't cry,
It won't do any good.
Stop thinking of him,
The pain will only get worse.
Try not to remember,
You'll only hurt more.
Don't think of the way your hand fit into his perfectly,
Don't remember the way his eyes twinkled when he was happy.
Forget how he would get angry at whoever made you cry,
Forget his awesome smile, his warm hugs.
Shy away from his name,
Push him into the depths of your mind.
Move on, stop wallowing in self-pity.
It's not like you were going to be together forever.
Even if you thought you would be
Just forget all the days you spent together,
The amazing dates you had not so long ago.
Face it; he's not coming back.
Stand up straight, and walk forward.
Be brave.


Details | Free verse | |

Hear Me Cry

Before I die
Hear me cry
Sometimes it seems
He knows my needs
At times it feels
Like this is real
Most times at night
He's out of sight
During the day
The same way
With each new lie
I die inside


Details | Free verse | |

Close To Perfection

When I am around you I can feel the truth
You begin to speak and I can only focus on you
No pain no sorrow and no regrets, Just you
Your eyes are like the peaceful forest of nature
Your smile is the smile of an angel sent down to earth
Your voice is like the wind in a dream, so peaceful
And your kiss is the most beautiful thing that I have found
I cannot reach out to you anymore
You will never again let me see you in peace
It hurts to walk a step closer, as I see myself farther away
Do you ever notice me looking your way
You are the only one that I see...


Details | Free verse | |

Another

People ask me why I wear black
And bitterly I shall snap back
Lack of color helps me conceal
How it is I truly feel
A colorless life, harsh situations
But no fear of implications
There is no color, can be no blame
I can hide in the dark, free from shame
Colors only distract attention
From the reality, the pure intention
I am broken, I am insane
I feel a never ending pain
Now I ask you, go away
So I can cry another day
Another day of hurt and sorrow
An endless day, awaits tomorrow


Details | Free verse | |

Bleeding

Im bleeding
Im dyeing
Its getting cold
Im crying
Its blood
How does it show
As i cry you stare at me
You see the crimson outside of me
Some how it shows
All the bloody tears
Red and black
No ordinary tears
The way to heal them
It is your touch
Only you can heal them
No other touch
Im bleeding forever
Without your help
Will you help me
Or will i die
Its your decision
So say good bye


Details | Free verse | |

My Baby

A gift like no other gift, 
one that can't be bought
a precious human being, 
deserving the right to live
to exist as we all do, 
but sometimes it just doesn't
happen that way,

A baby of no harm, 
a baby of no sins
a baby of pure love, 
and only innocence

Tender moments, 
carrying wishes
disappointments, 
everyday misses

Sitting there all alone, 
even though 
I was surrounded,
by others

While wondering, 
why it may be
that I am made to suffer,

Wanting nothing more,
but to die
inside and out,

Things happen for a reason,
so I was taught
I'll never know the reason,
but I'll always feel the loss

The loss of my child,
my baby was taken
away from me,
and there is no reason

I constantly ask myself,
why did this happen?
what did I do wrong?

I asked God to save my baby,
to protect us both
I remain here,
but my baby is gone

It seems as if, my whole world,
just fell apart
and all I could do,
was sit back and watch it happen

I found myself, 
feeling lonely
needing someone, 
anyone to hold me

All I could do was cry,
I had to cry, for the sake of myself
for the sake of my baby,
for the sake of my heart
I had to weep

I cried and cried aloud,
hoping to be heard
please father, 
I'll do whatever you want
you have my word,
just please save my baby

I bled so much, 
had so much pain
denied to myself, 
everything would be okay

Crying and pleading,
praying and weeping
became an everyday routine,
it was so hard to believe
this was happening to me,

It's not over yet,
it never will be
everyday and every night,
it's in my memory...










(March 1998)
My sweet baby
you will always be with me...


Details | Free verse | |

-Bittersweet-

I was naive to believe you'd always love me
Living in my dreams until you stabbed me with reality
Your dagger's still lodged in my heart
Every now and again, for your amusement
your words twist it ever so slowly
Tear's of blood trickle down my breast
Pain is unbearable, leaving me immobile and screwed
Turning my mind bitter and mean
You were nothing but a dream
A fantasy that I thought I could hold onto
For a split second, I let emotions take over
Spinning me in every direction
Should of awoken before my life had no meaning
With no one to love me, and no one that cared
We both know now I'll never be what you need.


Details | Free verse | |

The darkness

If only it were so simple,
to cruise through life smelling roses;
but the obstacles blacken the countryside, 
and we unwittingly crush them beneath our boots.

Dreams sustain us through the madness; 
goals give a finish line to our race.
Yet they change with every turn, around every wall,
and remain elusive throughout the quest.

Mistakes are made, and regrets are our luggage;
we will drag them with us to slow us down.
The victories are flashes of light, sudden and unlasting, which allow us
to glimpse the road ahead before darkness descends.

Love is bitter, yet it is the bread that keeps us.
Over and over it fills us up, only to starve us.
The people whom we love shape our destinies and our strengths,
yet leave us cold and alone in the darkness.

There are others trying to race to the end;
occasionally, we bump into one or two.
The bonds we form help us down the path less lonely
but eventually, we lose each other in the darkness.

Alone is not a bad way to be;
it clears your head and focuses you on the journey.
Cherish the short intervals during the quest you have with others,
but be prepared to walk alone in the darkness.


Details | Free verse | |

The Battle With Depression

There are days I lose this battle with depression
Mental anguish like a demon possession
It sets in like a shadow of sin over me
Consuming all my physical energy!
I often wonder if suicide is my only answer
Emotional strain inside eating me alive, like cancer
So tired of picking myself up off my knees
Time seems to be ticking for this mental disease
Oh God! Wake me; restore the very core of my soul!
Take me before I self-destruct and lose control
I’m not getting much stronger, and I’m not sure I can make the climb
How much longer? Because it’s apparent, I’m out of time!
Staring at this chrome 38 in my hand
It’s almost too late, I pray my daughters understand
I put the barrel to my temple, closing my eyes,
And just for a fraction of a second I fantasize
There is a funeral and I see my daughters’ disappointment
I visualize my soul engulfed in flames, so much torment
I come back to reality setting in
Lowering the pistol I can’t allow this to be my end
I get up of the couch and open the curtain hung at the window
I have an uncontrollable urge to get out of this studio
I need a breath of fresh air and this was the only way
Escaping this emotional warfare-to survive another day
This entry is from my diary-a bit of a confession
It is a constant battle with my depression!!!!


Details | Free verse | |

The Dark Artist

Death,
A fate foretold 
Since the beginning of time

Master of time,
Misunderstood, 
And feared by many. 
Some say your power is a curse
Some a blessing

Emancipator of souls,
Bestow freedom 
On my poor soul.
Trapped in this prison of torture
Called a body, 
Which places limits on my true potential

I understand you, 
Hiding behind broken hearts
Are benevolent intentions, 
A noble purpose

Bringer of peace, 
You give rest 
to those tired.
You free those soldiers
Trapped in a game of kings

A dark artist. 
I see the beauty in your work.
With your scythe
You paint a masterpiece,
With your scythe 
You write a magnificent tragedy.
You are the perfect ending
To our tragic story


Details | Free verse | |

Condemned And Judged

Condemned And Judged

Why is it so hard to say what I am feeling?
Others decides what I can say
What I can do
Who I am
My life is not up to me
I am condemned for my thoughts
Judged for my ideas
Ideas that have to remain unspoken
Not allowed to express myself I stagnate
Thoughts and words rot in their own Hell
Dark and black
The stench of dying thoughts fills the air with a grey-green mist
Even in poetry I am scrutinized
Judged by others who do not know me
The poetry is too dark
That poem is too light hearted
Nothing is right
Nothing is wrong
I wonder who they are.
What gives them the right to voice their opinion?
I don’t know
I may never know
I hate them and what they have done
But there is nothing I can do
Nothing I can say to free me from them
So I will wait
I will fester and I will stagnate
Rotting in a world of drab grey
Until I can be free and express myself
And in that moment I will be happy


Details | Free verse | |

Mirror

Pain is etched into your eyes
And it haunts me deep into my core
I wish so much to relieve you of your pain
But I must first relieve my own
But to do so I need to understand why I feel this way
Why I hurt so much 
Like I’ve been gut punched
Eyes flicker to me then away
You can’t stand the sight of my scars
The one’s I forced my hand to make
But you have to live with them 
You have to see the ugly
The pain
The unwanted mistake standing in front of you
You have to accept it but you can’t
Because I am you
And you are me


Details | Free verse | |

Its Not Fair

I’m growing old and have no say..
My breasts that once comforted- now droop.
Its nice that you are interested in my past,
But do you care about  my future?.

The view from my window is limited,
I can see a small corner of the yard.
The rose there is dying of neglect,
I’m concerned about its future.

Not so long ago I ran in the fields,
And drank from the stream of life. 
Now these four walls are my prison…
My future rests in the hands of others.

             Is it too much to ask to smell fresh cut grass?
             Or feel the breeze and a raindrop on my hand?
             Do the quail still run up the bank behind the house?
             I want to go home.


For my auntie who lived in a nursing home.


Details | Free verse | |

fake smiles and lies

I have tried,
For months I have tried,
to let  go of your haunting memory.
I can’t.
Behind every fake smile I give,
I blindly hope I give an aura,
of being happy.
I am not.
I fall asleep at night,
only to find you haunting my dreams.
The life I wanted to have,
the love I needed,
it’s all slipping so far away.
I heard about you and her.
I was engulfed with sadness.
I was supposed to be me,
not her.
There is no one to blame,
no one to accept this burden.
I bury  it deep inside,
hidden  behind,
fake smiles,
and  lies.


Details | Free verse | |

Hurting

staring at the wall 
tears run down my face. 
no one understands 
while im staring into space. 

My life feels out of place. 

I cant explain the feeling 
but it shows in what i write. 
all thats in my future 
is a dead end thats in sight.


Details | Free verse | |

-Wasn't-

Wasn't supposed to go as far as it did.  
Had no intentions to hold you close to my soul.  
Was my first time,  just wanted a little taste.  
Something to take away my blues.  
Help me forget the pain serging through my veins.
But after that first hit,
Oooooh..how you made my body hum.
I felt like I could fly.
Nothing, nothing could hurt me again.
But as I slowly came off that high,
I started to remember my pain.
I was disgusted with life.
And everything that appeared before me.
Couldn't sit still, had an itch to fulfill.
Then began my quest.
Quest to feel like that first time.
Taking anything to not feel again.
Never coming close.
Just pulling further and further from me.
Losing total grip of my reality.
Someone help me,
Wasn't supposed to go as far as it did.


Details | Free verse | |

WITHIN THE LOOKING GLASS: Conclusion


Now this cross is carried...And a crucifixion--AWAITS--and the blood 
which has fallen--to late--for an answer, to late to be saved!!! A thousand
eyes--wondering/staring deep inside, looking for forgiveness inside of dead eyes
gone astray...A hint of darkness, begging eyes that fade...deep within the
voices--CRYING/CALLING my name...it's better off inside here--so peaceful and safe...
No feelings, no sadness, no sorrow, no pain...I'm now free from the madness--
drifting-- freely/happily away...Away...Away...This will not last forever...
SADLY--I begin to feel--I breathe in the poison, of a new life I start--AGAIN--
in a new life I begin again...And there is no END...TORMENT... TO grow again---
to feel again-- to hurt again--to lose my mind, over and over and over again...
There is no never, there is never an END...PERPETUAL, CONTINUOUS SICK LIFE!!!
There is no absolute meaning...Just a struggle to get by...Forever, and ever and ever
TORMENT!!!

Within the looking glass--why can't I get in??? Be the one on the inside, instead 
of the one lost within??? I can't stand to look at you, to see the distorted reflection...
Is it me, or is it an ILLUSION??? I don't even recognize you...It can't be me!!!
Maybe one day--once again I can step inside, and not come back...Maybe I could just
fade away--DISAPPEAR--never exist...And maybe in all actuality--I DON"T!!!
Maybe, I'm just a figment in someone elses mind...Maybe, I haunt them with a MADNESS...
Or maybe, I am INSANE!!! Or just a little confused...There is a QUESTION to my SANITY,
but an unheard answer... 

Be one looking out--instead of the one looking in!!!

05-14-2002 


Details | Free verse | |

What they see

I wonder what they see...
When they look down at me...
I wonder do they know I feel...
That my emptiness is real.

I wonder if when I die...
Will the tears be real that they cry..?
I wonder if they know I cared...
I trampled my own heart better they faired.

I wonder if they knew the beatings 
were so they would have a dad...
Or that I loved them even when I got mad...
I wonder if they know I prayed...
As lifelessly my body laid.

I wonder if they will listen as the doctors say...
We had to keep her confidentiality to her dyeing day...
I wonder if they know I lived for them out of love...
I wonder if they'll realize I see those that live with god above...
He holds my hand when seizures come and take hold...
Afraid to die knowing to them, they felt I was oh so cold.


Details | Free verse | |

A Walk From Reality

oh how my heart mourns 
         for dancing in the twinkling stars
             Atop the milky way
                  where peace enters my mind
             Worldly matters are far from here
        the glimmer of the moon 
lights my path
           a walk from reality
                 amidst the dewy clouds
                      distant voices still call for me
tugging my soul back to what I know
                but for a moment I was there
                                           free, uninterrupted, alone, ME


Details | Free verse | |

I Could Only Watch

If I could catch the world in a bottle
Would it be worth having?
It would hold hopes and dreams
Shared by billions of souls
All of the love ever shared would be locked away
Protected from those who wish to end it
People would life their lives
Not knowing that they are sheltered
Maybe if they knew they wouldn’t care
I would never know
Looking from the outside I could only watch
Alone, separated by a thin wall of glass
I could only watch as others met and fall in love
Starting their own families they thrived
They became happy and grew
While I could only watch
Holding the world in a bottle


Details | Free verse | |

Vices

Powder dreams and acid queens
Snow white bliss and razor 
blades
Rails so thick your heart will 
bleed
Find your fix so you’ll succeed 
Uppers, downers, sweet cocaine
Every demon has a name
All that matters is the fight
To stay alive and in the light
It hurts so bad right through the 
core
You fear two words and that’s 
coke whore
Cut so deep to feel alive
With every shot you build your 
pride
The fiery rush and burning lust
Nothing else matters f*** their 
trust
A slip, a fall is all it takes
To see you land back on your 
face
The heart that breaks can’t take 
no more
Your soul is gone thrown on the 
floor
The pills you pop the smack you 
shoot
The crack you cook the lines 
you toot
The midnight toke that liquid 
courage
That blissful coke won’t be 
discouraged
Rapping, tapping on your door 
Claiming your body take some 
more
A stressful day a slip from grace
A couple more makes my heart 
race
The walls cave in two worlds 
collide
I wait in horror as my heart dies
A crash of sound a rush of red
Crimson tears are filled with 
dread
The sirens fade and fall away
Too late for fate this ends today


Details | Free verse | |

Invisible

I’m invisible to you.
I’m invisible to everyone
I’m here but I’m not
People see me but they don’t
They know me but they don’t
I am not what I seem but 
You nor anybody else knows that
I am invisible
What you see is not me
I am invisible
What you see is an imposter
Costumed up for your own importance
Who I am is invisible to everyone
But you don’t care
I am invisible


Details | Free verse | |

Lost in Goodbye

8/11/12

-------------------------------------------------------

Lost in goodbye
The pathway ends in sick disgrace
No one to turn to
No one to face
Bitter emotions clear your way
Determination to destroy
Is only a heartfelt tear away
Lost in goodbye
The knife slits inside the skin of the broken
Ignored, forgotten
Nothing spoken
And the shedding of blood is evident here
Meddled, tattered
A whole life
Within a tear
Lost in goodbye. . .lost in goodbye
Always goodbye
The rest are all lies
Lies
The rest are all lies


Details | Free verse | |

Time on and Time off

Time on and Time off

On and off and on again,
That is the carousel of life,
When it spins round and round,
Till the dizzy heads fall off,
Time on and time off,
Till those little girls grow to be old
And discover love,
And they feel so much better than before
With broken hearts,
And cigarette burns on arms
Laying on kitchen floors,
That had just been moped with red blood.
Time on and Time off,
Over and over and over again,
That drunken buffoon has nothing more to do,
But drop dead in his lazy boy chair
And die.
While his girl,
(who once pretty and pure, now dead inside and out)
Brings him his lunch,
And watches her blood drizzly slowly into the stainless steel sink.


Details | Free verse | |

Devil's Dance

Malady gently receives the hand of familiarity
and began a dance of deception.
Anguish bowed politely to oppression,
when vulnerability appeared.
Destruction cut in,
angering her partner subtlety.
Lies twirled in lovers arms, 
torment and misery moved together gracefully in unison.
Deceit caressed passion,
while vile dreams are crushed under the enchanting waltz.
Pageantry choreographed with devil's imagination.


Details | Free verse | |

Realism

"Realism" Living in a bleak world, The realizations of the people. All the broken dreams, Crumbling as the world turns. Broken souls walk the streets, With empty minds, And faded eyes. Days on end, Walking the same circuit. Dark nights with no dreams, And bright days with no future. The day reality is known, Is the day that pattern starts. Realism is inevitable, And makes the world pointless.


Details | Free verse | |

Take One More Breath

My bedroom walls are closing in
The white paint seems to taunt me as I wonder how to escape
The posters on my wall no longer offer comfort but repetition
As the paper thin eyes staring down on me cause more confusion

Fool for waiting and hoping to be accepted
Fool for trying to please those who have no limitation on their desires
Fool for chasing down a path that doesnt exist
Fool for letting others take away your dreams

Sunlight flickers past the curtain as heat fills the air
Stepping outside may lead to the end
Searching for answers that could stay hidden forever
But I choose to breathe
I choose to live


Details | Free verse | |

October 13th

Wake up a little earlier; another troubled night
But the remnants of pre-birthday make-up still do their job remarkably
Smile for the camera; these pictures are keepers, so realistically modelled for
Thank yous for unthoughtful offerings; why hurt feelings after all?
A dozen friends all come along; it's not their scene but they want to please me
Can't look over there, have to be the last to go through the door
They're trying so hard, all their love gathering on my windowsill
Some cards handmade with heartfelt affection, gifts so vague and cliched, more 
roses than I could care for
And your dusty eyes still staring through them all from behind the frame
Complete the scene as my headstone

Couldn't have slept at all
Excitedly imagining what you were planning
Warm in your jacket you gave me to sleep in
Wouldn't lift or lower my foolish head
Jitters looking forward to you
Flash could've gone off but we wouldn't notice
Shroud me with your words, promises you could not keep
All the guests combined; a less than you companion
I wonder why we couldn't make it through?
And I'd never had to say goodbye 'til the day that I met you
All that I'd got for we pushed them all out
And I didn't miss them.
Didn't miss them.

Why are you still asking after me?
How do you still reach into my eyes
Before I turn away?
What happened to let us get like this and tell me
When can it end?
How is it I want it to stay?
Though there's a soft spot for you in my heart and you're
Slowly seeping out

Frozen as this face remains
Breaking when I'm forced to recall
I'm 18 and you're not here
But she passed on your message for me
Happy Birthday.
And in those obligated words it all crashes back
I'll keep all our secrets and ignore all the rest
The world we made and left to decay
Keeps me smiling for every wasted day.


Details | Free verse | |

You Don't Know Me

I smile so no one can see my scars.
You think i'm happy.
But you don't know me.

You don't know the girl
who cries herself to sleep.
Who marred her skin
from all the stress.
Who hates herself 
for all she's done.
Who chokes back screams
when she sees you smile.

You think I handle all this well.
But you don't know 
the torture I put myself through.
I punish myself for all your lies,
but still can't hate you.

You think you can see
but you don't know me.


( 2004 )


Details | Free verse | |

A Warning And a Promise

Every day is a Battle...
What is it?
HATE...

Hatred of being ALIVE...

I awake,
DEAD...

I am LOST...

I hate this body,
I hate EVERYTHING...

Nothing matters,
I'm a failure...
Each and every day
I fade further away...

You think I'm happy,
because I smile?
I'll laugh and joke with you all,
but there is no JOY...

When I'm alone,
it's all different...
I try to fight it...
It grows,
it's the hunger...

My appetite is DEATH...

Something inside me tells me to..
I want to,
I want to DIE...

I joke about it,
But I'm serious...

Because when the feeling comes,
it is abominable...

I can not predict the END...

But I know it's near,
it has gotten worse...
Today I feel it,
tomorrow I may do it...
It may be tonight....

I just can't tell you,
but I wish them feelings
Subside...

I wish the pain to go away,
But wishes are wishes
and wishes don't come true for me...

Because I wish the world a better place,
I wish for peace,
I wish for happiness
and I wish there was never no pain...

I hate what I see,
I hate what I feel...

It's a nightmare and it has swallowed me...

Maybe, Maybe Today,
and the past will be forgotten...

For I've been forgotten,
I am Lost...
DEAD, and in Pain...

Tomorrow I say GOODBYE...
                           
                                       Maybe not...

written in CCJ on 07-30-2000


Details | Free verse | |

Felo-De-Se Dream

I just drank a fifth of vodka
A lot on my mind
I start crying
But not because I'm sad or scared
It just feels like I'm supposed to
Razor blade in my hand
Ready to cut my flesh
First I slit my neck
Then both wrists
See the blood drip
Feel it running down my skin
Hear it hit the floor
Smells great
One taste & reality hits
Blood is gone
No cuts
Or tears
A voice says,
"This is your future"
Then I wake up


Details | Free verse | |

Love

I keep hearing that you exist. 
People say they see you-
They touch you.
They say you help them when depressed, sad and lonely.
They say you keep people together- forever.
Some even say you do not work all the time;
You have a tendency to fade away-
Only for a short time, however,
For you can return to set things back to norm.
I'm curious- love.
Do you really return?-
Do you really fade away?-
Do you really keep people together- forever?-
Do you really console the depressed, sad and lonely?-
For I am sad, lonely and depressed.
Will not you help me?
Why ignore me?-
Or forget me?
Why listen to what others have to say about me?
I tried to reach for you too-
You just could not see.
For sadness, depression and loneliness kept you blind;
Blind from watching my hands reach out to you...
You fell-
Long gone-
Never came back.
Do not worry-
I keep hearing that you exist.
Tis' true?- 
Do you really- 
Exist?


Details | Free verse | |

Beautiful Oblivion

Sit and watch the thin, blank dawn
that never quite sweeps you off your feet.
Wrestle with memories that don't want to be suppressed,
and repress the urge to canon-ball into the ocean. 
(sinking: sinking slowly, because you never learned how to swim.)

Listen to rainbows churning in oil-spill puddles,
and wait for the beautiful oblivion to take its toll.
Somewhere inside you know things will never be the same again,
but that's okay with you, sickening as it seems.
(you want to float away into seaweed forests and play fetch with the big, bad wolf.)

Dream of living a full, happy life
while you tear your world apart.
Sell your body to those dark, dank demons in your cerebrum,
whimpering and wondering deep into the night. 
(praying for a chance to show your worth while you still exist.)

Sink low beneath the foaming sea,
wring out your hands and paint your thighs with scarlet letters.
Let the wolves lap the salmonella from your fingertips
and wrap yourself in red - lay face down in the snow, don't breathe too deeply:
(someone dances in snowflakes nearby.)

Watch the thin, blank dusk
that never quite sweeps you off your feet.
Wish for brazen arms and a warm crook of the neck to rest in.
Hug yourself beneath the covers and silently cry; you know now...
(no one wants to comfort a girl who craves suffering.)

You will never be what anyone wants. 


Details | Free verse | |

My Mind is an Attic and You're the Door

Will you help clear the clutter in my skull? My desires. Spilled all over the red carpet. Undignified grace. Where are the curtains? Call them now! You've ruined the illusion... The actress is Dead.


Details | Free verse | |

a desolating future

were it was hollowed within
the crumpled tissue paper
thrown onto the filth
drowned on truth


Details | Free verse | |

Depression

Down in my hearts ocean
I will drown in my selfish emotion
My hearts empty room yet deafening commotion
My heart is black, sitting with no motion

As I throw stones to skip in the sea
As a symbol of sympathy
Cause this ocean is a endless hole
And one day, It'll fill full

And a weight that sits on my shoulders
Painful and as heavy as boulders
Dragging me under the ground
Into the ocean until I drown

Surrounded by burning coal
In this seemingly endless hole
Now covered in ash
Burning skin and soul

Crawling up through the grime
Rushing with impatience and so little time
The water and blood weighing down on my chest
And my hands loose grip and become numb, maybe for the best

But with a gasp of air which I now crave
I break through ash and coal and rise above my grave
But the burning ambers on my body took its toll
My souls puppet of flesh now a ragdoll

With no movement I float above the sea of blood
A heart that had a pain flood
The walls are going to fall and cave in
But I have two arms which can hold up anything

So limp and so cold
Reaching upward for something to hold
Now I am freezing even with all the coal and fire
But I break through with strong will and desire

Stuck in this thick pool of memories
I have stepping stones helping me
Step by step I emerge from this this hole below
And soon it will be a distant memory from long ago


Details | Free verse | |

Jaded

Someone to hold me tight,
To laugh all through the night,
That’s what I want most in my life,
To be a mother, best friend, and wife.

I want to know
That someone’s always there for me.
I want it to show;
Our love will live forever, unconditionally.

Sometimes I think it was not meant to be,
I was never supposed to be truly happy.
Because everyone I love just walks away;
No one in my life decides to stay.

My heart is full with love to give,
Just waiting for the one.
I want to sing, I want to live,
To dance out in the sun.

I lost a part of me a while ago;
That part stays hidden, I do not show.
I don’t open up so easily, 
It takes some time to get to know me.

I’m afraid of getting close
Then getting my heart broken.
This is not the life I chose,
I leave things bottled in.

Sometimes so sad and I don’t know why;
All I want to do is cry.
I can’t forgive those that hurt me,
I just wish that they could only see.

The damage they have done to a child,
So innocent and pure.
Now heartbroken and emotions running wild,
So jaded and insecure.


Details | Free verse | |

Your Death - Dedicated to my Husband

As I see you take your last breath
I cry and scream in agony
For I have lost my best friend and
The only man that ever truly loved me
You knew all my secrets
You knew all my faults
And loved me in spite of them

Now I feel bitter regret
Because I have missed so
Much time with you
And now it is too late
I have lost you forever

You were the only one 
Who was ever true to me
You would have ripped
Out your heart if I needed it
Though abuse and betrayal
Found me because of you
I always knew how much
That you loved me

Despite the many faces 
That you have encountered
During your lifetime
I was the only woman
That you ever loved 
Though I was full of
Many imperfections 
You saw me as 
The perfect woman
In every way
The devotion you have
Shown me surpasses
That of all of the romantic
Tales that have ever been told

Now all I can do is
Cherish your memory
Like I should have done
When you were alive
Your passing does not
Only mean the ending 
Of your earthly existence
It is the death to the
Beating of my heart
For I cannot live
Without my soul mate



Details | Free verse | |

Words Hurt Worse

She lays there alone
Looking at the sky
She thinks of that saying,the one about sticks and stones
And says softly to herself "Thats a lie."
That day she had been called a pig,a *****, and a mutt
She had also been told she was fat,worthless,and scary
She wonders if she really is a slut
Soon she became ever so wary
Then she slowly sits up and draws out her knife
She thinks about that little trophy wife
Who muttered the 6 words "She should take her own life"
Slowly that girl puts her knife to her chest
As the words "Kill yourself" run through her mind
She stabs the knife into her chest just like the rest
If only one person had been kind...
Now she falls back into a lay
Wondering how long it will take for someone to find her
A year? A month? A day?
Everything fades into a blur 
She takes her last breath
Then finally she reaches her death


Details | Free verse | |

Dance through Dark days

We danced like this
A fit of madness,  twirling around
round as the beat drowned

  drowned out sounds of outside melodies
unwanted tunes, I danced with you
black dress of luxurious lace swept low
Encasing legs perfectly porcelain
Fanciful footwork-I led you-you led me
 In this symbiotic synchronicity

The light cast down illuminate
  a striking angle of your face
smiling, a twirl, hands in mine
around the floor, intertwined
hands in mine

A room looked on...no notice, no matter
Removed from their critique
 judgement, opinion.......all words of others
They mingled into sounds of nothing
  noise lost in our self-made song
Eyes locked to speak all unsaid
I kissed your pouted lips instead
our steps never un synched.......

We waltzed on as the night made dawn
The floor beneath was then sand
The ceiling now sky...now you and I
The makers of noise, a memory to forget
  Just an inner existence of two

Each day we dance this way
Making song and venue all the same
Taking turns at leading step
For which of us hears the music
Will lead the other in a dance through it.....


Details | Free verse | |

Can't Think

Can't think about it
The yelling and screaming
The hiding in my room
Trying to be invisible
The lying to my little brother
"Everything will be ok..."
The crying myself to sleep
The nightmares that wake me
Can't think about it

Can't think about it
Ignore those echoing words
Focus on your homework
Turn up your music
Escape to friends' whenever possible
Keep your head down at school
Lock your door
Can't think about it

Can't think about it
Cover the wounds
Internal and External
Sew them up
The stinging pain
The tears help nothing
Dry them quickly
Take a deep breath
Don't think about it...


Details | Free verse | |

Help

I tried to cry out,
I tried to say something,
I tried to speak up,
speak up and ask.
I tried to ask for help,
I tried so hard to be heard.
And no one heard.
I kept trying,
I kept calling and crying out.
Would no one hear me?
I tried to reach out,
out for help,
love,
security,
acceptance,
anything.
And no one heard.
Until it was too late.


Details | Free verse | |

A Journey With My Paranoia Pt 2

continued from Pt 1


 
       With my name underneath!/  I said "Who is keith?"/  She looked over her shoulder,/  
The room got colder,/  When she harshly whispered "you!"/  That's when she rose from her 
seat, and with her feet started using Kung-Fu./  Like she was a Kangaroo!/  She beat me 
black and blue./  Then I heard her scream "That's for taking advantage of my virtue!/
       When I finally came too, I was moist with dew./  I felt sick and prayed it was not swine 
flu!/  I found a Doctor nearby./  He was also a Rabbi./  I had a lot of ails including pinkeye./  
He cured me and took me into the "matrix" like on Sci-Fi./  He then taught me the ways of 
the samurai!/  I was now ready, for with one hand I could catch a housefly!/  I adjusted my 
necktie, and told the Rabbi goodbye./  I began my next journey under the blue sky./  Off 
after that whore I must rectify!/
 
Note: for Constance La France contest "A Magical Journey" - If I offended anyone with this 
piece I apologize It was written only to be morbidly humourous.....

NOTE:  Had to alter for contest because of size.  This is the actual way it ends.  Jimmy


Details | Free verse | |

A Captive Heart

I pray to my Lord in Heaven,
To make a way for my return!
I yearn to hear the sounds of home;
The buffalo raging by,
The softness of the wind,
The howling of coyotes,
The squawking hawks,
The cows out in the pasture,
The rustling of wheat,
As the stream trickles by.

The wind chimes in the trees,
The dog in the backyard.
The morning birds of grace,
I need to leave this agony,
And heal my battered...tortured soul.
Nostalgia floods my mind,
With melancholy memories.
Living in a state of numbness,
I'm homesick in my home,
In the lonely corners of depression.


Details | Free verse | |

Lost

Confused and lost
sitting in a place full of ghosts
longing for  love I will never find
hoping one day someone will understand me
holding my heart close behind this wall
wanting someone to take it and keep it safe
knowing it will never happen
no one can see past the wall that's in place
hiding who I am from prying eyes
never letting anyone see my longing
never able to find the door to let them in
being ever eluded by the truth
a truth only felt from love
no one really sees me
no one really cares to look


Details | Free verse | |

Untitled..

It happened again,
all my hoping, all my praying
all my crying, did nothing for me,

It changed nothing,
it helped to think
that maybe something,
would be different this time
but it wasn't,

It always ends this way,
it will never change
something's wrong, 
and nothing's right

I constant hear,
of others happiness
and pure bliss,
I can't stand it
because for me,
it's only pure misery

How can I bring myself, 
to be happy
over someone's gain,
and my lost

The answer is,
I can't
if I did, I would be lying,
to myself and to them

How can I be close,
to the closest of me
when what we share,
is not the same
and my hearts in so much pain,
and I fear it will never change

The very thought,
that it's happening
to so many other people,
and not me, is what kills me

So many women,
carrying blessings
everlasting gifts,
ones they can treasure forever

I would give my all, 
to have a chance to carry my miracle
my blessing, my gift from god,
a child of mine

My body has failed me deeply,
or did I fail my body
have I done something wrong,

I look back,
to all the months that I lost
and come to a conclusion,
it was all my fault

I'm all alone,
to what I feel inside
nobody ever sees,
the tears I cry

I know I'm not alone,
to all the pain 
that goes around,
but in my heart I feel
the worlds ENTIRELY left out...






(March 1999)
lost my baby last year 
hoping for a miracle.


Details | Free verse | |

Beyond the Distant Horizon

The open sea
Seems endless
In every direction for me

The last accompanying sail
Gone over the edge,
The tip of the mast
A sight I found a comfort
Is now a thing of the past

All alone on a world
With no end
Sailing alone
With a heart to mend

No ocean liner
Or luxury yacht for me
A simple boat
On this useless sea

If I make
Some distant shore
To sail once again
A desire I will have no more


Details | Free verse | |

Reflections of her Puzzle

Perched on a smooth river rock
    studying her reflection in the flow
A timeline of changing faces
   slowly drifts by...
Carefree happy child
   running, playing among trees.
Rebellious miserable teen
   banging her head against authority.
Disillusioned, deeply depressed
   escaping with her spirit broken.
New mother ecstatic in California
   memorizing his growing up slide show.
Lonely, desolate woman with wrong partners
   until near death does she part.
Empty-nesters' angst ridden face
   hidden, lost in darkness.
Unstoppable learner/teacher
   finding her pieces in lifes' school.
Evolving computer addict, isolator
   searching on-line for love.
Mostly content, peaceful now
   her heart found God and "true blue."
Freedom lover flying, watching from above
   Her lifes' puzzle face more balanced
   yet incomplete.


Details | Free verse | |

Trying to love myself

I look in the mirror
and try 
so hard to see something pretty
something attractive
someone worth looking at
someone worth loving
but all I see
are the tears I have cried
the promises I have broken
the dreams I have given up on
the suffering I endured
the screaming I have done
the hurt I caused
the past and what was
and what can never be
and what I wish was
and what I wish I was
but I'm not
and never will be
I'm just me
and I'm trying to love 
all of which that encompasses 


Details | Free verse | |

coward

Im burid, paralyzed, with only fear and hurt by my side. An ocean of black and darkness , an ocean of nothing.  I have no comfort, no release.  Will it always be this way? A ray of light shunes through the darkness, I see a path. It forks. Left or right. If I choose left I will feel pain it will never leave. If I choose right, no more pain. I will feel numb. But if right is chosen it will cause more pain than that of my own. as I stand there thinking the light dims. The darkness returns. A cloud or darkness surrounds me and it is as if there is no help, no one to let in. This is my choice, the choice chosen on my own.


Details | Free verse | |

The Dream Of An Incomplete Heart

Did you even think of me while I missed you
Your words said long ago echo through my ears
The vision of you picture haunts me
Your beautiful eyes, warm and loving
Looking at me through the miles
My heart melts while I look at you
My body tingles at the thought of you
Feelings dead for too many years
Come to life when I hear your name
I dream of you
Desire you
Look forward to loving you
But time will tell
I will never give up
My heart tells me
It has been but half a heart
Needing you to be complete
I am yours
I have been yours through a thousand lifetimes
I will be yours for a million lifetimes to come


Details | Free verse | |

Nothing More To Do With You

This ends right now.
Confided in me then threw it all away
There can be no love left within me
Angerfeardisappointmentdespair
But you've lost it all now - I've given up on you.

He's got you doing I don't know what
And the rumours are rumours but the rumours are true

And if I saw him I swear
I'd smash his face in.
Could do with another outlet after all
These stabbing shrieks inside my chest
Scraping at my flesh and bone
Won't let them penetrate me

See her; who is she?
Wonder if you know her
She's everything you pretended to be
Emotionless beneath that metal
Trusting no-one still being betrayed

Who are they in the frame with her?
These strangers who casually call themselves friends
You're so stupid
They couldn't care less
Watch you stagger and fuel the habits they helped you start

Mindless idiot.
She's going to die and she's taking you with her

Don'tpiercethatdon'tsmokethatdon'ttakethat
What more can I do when you block me out?
Sleep around black out come to me for comfort
Crazy little girl, could slash you and let all the bad rush out
But then of course we'd have nothing left
And it grieves me that it's come to this
Can't stand it anymore; you're on your own you've got a choice you'll make the 
wrong decision I can't be there to guide you

Confided in you then threw it all away
Can't keep these lame promises and I know
I said I'd always be there
But I was there for you and I'm talking to myself 'cause you're dead on the inside
And it's spreading fast.

Not one redeeming feature
Could rip you apart wouldn't harm you for the world
Save you from it all leave you there for them to get you
And they won't find my girl, person worth protecting
Her and you'll be there instead already gone already dead
You all shall scream
Won't turn my head

And I'll remember you today
For what you used to be
Days that seem too far away

You're ugly now in every way.


Details | Free verse | |

Silent Love

Am I able to express my feelings
Or shall I seal my lips
In horror with the shredding memories and failures of this heart
Never letting it speak out 
Bottled up with emotions that are stored in the depth of my soul

Is it possible to stop this watch from ticking 
Making my time pause in an infinite world and future
Is this being able to withstand the confusion
As rapid minutes turn into hours and days
Leaving this agony to speak to burst away

Am I able to show how my hurtful soul can be reborn again
Able to love and share the beauty and joy and this magical feeling
Yet I'm reserved to this
scared of the outcome and negativity

Love has  been shown in such  mystical ways
believed to make you float during your lasting days
Or can it tear you apart and bury you in sadness

For I have faith in this love
Even though it has been teared away from me
Allowed to break with the shattering pieces in sadness

Its been hard to see you everyday
Gazing at your eyes
Wishing you knew about mine
I can't react
So I must wait as an echo
Until you open your heart freeing your thoughts
And then I can allow myself to open mine

I could forever wait for this response
Unable to admit my thoughts
So I stay in silence 
For I can't make a sound 
Sealed forever more in the darkness of my heart


Details | Free verse | |

Opening The Vein

Right now
     I have words 
flowing from my veins,
but what if it stops?
That can never happen
   all I have to do
   is slice another one open,
                     somewhere to dip my quill,
another way to release
       the torrent, 
            the flows,
                 the waves
of emotion that crash within me.
To eat away at the walls
that they use to keep the likes of me out,
but that can never happen
     I go where I want,
           the more unwelcome,
                 the more I'll be there,
 slowly pounding,
                     eroding,
                        wearing down
the barricades they set
to keep out the malcontents,
                           the undesirable,
         the vile,
              the evil.

Yes tis I 
the one no one would welcome
       howling in the back,
           scratching at the window,
               knocking at your door,
   pounding on your chest.

I have been here
                     forever....
      waiting....
           slinking....
              perched on your windowsill,
sitting just out of sight,
               'til the right moment.
That's how I do,
         that one second
                  can change your life,
and make mine last so much longer,
every little taste extends my being,
brings me closer to my next target.

As long as fear exists
        there will be me....


Details | Free verse | |

How it feels

Depression fluctuates 
It rises and falls in stages
It can make you feel the lowest of lows
like your locked in a bunch of cages.
You don't know what is wrong 
and the hallow feeling just keeps 
lingering on until you began to fade.
You try with all your might to hold on 
tight to the person that flips the pages. 


Details | Free verse | |

Home Is Where the Heart Is Stilled

Abandoned places,where
perhaps memories linger,
with wisps of wafting moments,
aware, somehow, even of  the now,
Though long forgotten by all others,
One wonders why, and surely how,
Such strong vibrations of the past,
Seem to time, to have taken a bow...

Gutted building, windows broken,
Creaking, leaking floor,
Last stepped on by the living,
So many, many years before...

Where lives were lived, and
deaths have come in their way,
To others, in a time gone by,
Who here saw their last sad day,
Tears were cried,hearts
were smashed,
Love withered, its flame 
reduced to ash...

Is this a mysterious black hole of time??
A singularity, of now and here...
Where time is not so limpid...
And death is always near,
And fear can swim in the unknown,
The fear of time's mysterious cloud...
As ticks, as tocks, somehow go forever by, 
so mysteriously, and seemingly, oh so loud...

What was the last calendar's  year hung?
The last phone call received,
And who had been the one rung??

Ghost House,
Ghost House,
Scary, time
abandoned place,
Secure in forgotten
nothingness,
And with time, 
you've lost the race.


Details | Free verse | |

weak

Trapped in a dark place
Inside herself
Tormented by her failures
Destroyed by her mistakes
She bottles it up
Keeps it from the world
Compacts it and stores it in the smallest part of her heart
Until her heart becomes weak
From the blows it must take
And the baggage it must hold
When none of it is told
She cries at night
Tears stain her pillow
Her parents don’t understand
She feels lost and afraid
I try to help
But she drifts away


Details | Free verse | |

The Color Missing

The Color Missing
Red, black, and blue are the colors of our work pens. Red is the color of the blood we spill on other people’s mistakes.  Blue is the color of the songs we sing on tax forms or pay stubs- every page has a secret melody. Black is the color of the streets we fear most. Black is the color of our signature of approval. Black is the color of our death.

‘But what about the Green pens?’ I ask. They say ‘the ink is too hard to see.’


Details | Free verse | |

Blankness

I fared under the caricature
Of desolate bane this eve –
Walking with shiver in pocket
Toward the glassiness of now –

As I reached the tip of today
Drenched I was, in disgust –
Saturated with concocted sweat
I gripped tirelessly, the shiver –

Poured the shock of yesterday
Through forgotten cloud –
As I quivered under the dry
Of pouring dry rains –

My eyes swelled silently shut
From the lack of tears this eve –
My shiver, it completely melted
From the glassiness of now –


Details | Free verse | |

Listen to Me

You never listen
Yes I know it's true
I see you try and deny it
How's that working for you?

I will say one thing
You will hear another
I will try to fix it
The misunderstanding you see

I just got in trouble
(Sigh) I told you so
They never listen to me

They say they do 
And I know they try
But all I want to do is scream
"JUST LISTEN TO ME SOMEONE PLEASE"

All I asked is that you think
What is real?
Do I ever ask this?
Will I ever again?

All I really did
Was ask
For friend

All I want
Is to be free
Free to listen
And free to be me

Sadly though
You'll never see
Just how much your 
Not listening has killed me

I have tried
Really I did
I know that I'm not eighty
I know that I'm not nice
But the only thing I asked 
For was five minutes (at the most) of your life.

I'm sorry that you failed
I'm sorry that I tried but
Mostly I'm just sorry that
I'm not sorry,
Not anymore.


Details | Free verse | |

Agree to Disagree

                                               
                                               Mankind's greatest
                                                 accomplishment...
                                                       
                                                      

                                                      is death.


Details | Free verse | |

Generic Oppression Poem

Oppressed by you, your state, your religion
So you think you good, kind and Superior
But I find you  cruel, arrogant and callous
But that is just in my view, what do I know?

You control the language that describes pain
But there is no for me in its grid, or how I feel
My soul is ripped from my body and bound,
On to your machines on which I slave and toil.

You say it has to be this way, no room for doubt
Master and slave, it is only a matter of degrees
But it is my kind that is always tied to the rack
While you sip vintage wine in the lap of luxury.

Everything has its time and its place, yours is over
End is near, for you and everything you hold dear
Everything carries with it the root of its own destruction
And I will rejoice now that your has very nearly come.


Details | Free verse | |

Erosion 1 and 2

Erosion - 1

With a scholar eye I am looking at-

Looking at Sharpened Dream,
Burning heart burning across
Feeling the sour, feeling the layer

Is being wet tongue, gradually uncovered
vibrating lips and stick while mixing at liquor

-	A chemical compound searching for eyes
-	Searching liberty from sin
-	Burning the recipe of purity

I am chewing all the glamour with tortured eyes
Breathing fragrance; 

breathing easily passing days and nights
Easily

being tortured, told her- 
As its an erosion ; it’s a feelings


Written by Javed Akter

Erosion – 2

Sharp Sunshine ; I become anxious
sharpened me while it touches 
the ground

Like homeless lives I search forever
Blue ; blue feelings always
Walking around

Always sliding doors are crawling 
Crawling ever now and then

Kindly me; myself kind while waking up
After long night sleepless; sleeveless 
From deadly bed

Changing everything; changing backbone slowly
Steadily this side and that
Every time looking at decay

-Decay altering the sides

my feelings ; herself towards


Details | Free verse | |

Three Verbs

a well dressed mess,
I am but a man
with a sinister past
seeking redemption.

b*tching,
venting,
& ranting.
are three verbs I tend
to utilize while writing.
because writing is my outlet,
my craved for aperture,
even my superlative release
in the pursuit of an escape
from a reality which once
was capable of compelling 
my lips to crease into a smile,
but now only fills my chest 
with the tension of a thousand
cold-sweat soaked nightmares.
These three vulgar verbs
keep my mind lucid
through my abdication
of actuality for the
necessary occupation 
of thought required 
to keep these demons 
composed of crushed pills
and empty bottles at bay.

I feel the genius today.
I love every word, letter,
and line that I'm writing.
but tomorrow I'll hate this.
I'll think this sh*t is worthless
as I consider deleting it all.
Yet I can't part with it.
like my utter inability to
forget & let go of this fading
amatory connection whose
love once gave me hope as
well as sex that left scars,
both cerebral and somatic.
I loved her so f***ing much
and if I'm being honest, 
I must admit I still do.

as a parting favor
I simply ask you not
to confound these
words I write with
apathy and despair;
 they may sting off
the tip of my tongue
but they come from
a place that's sincere
and filled with more
than mere goodwill.
I simply have a crestfallen
& despondent perspective.

This, too, will
pass with time.
or so they say.


Details | Free verse | |

A Flame Once Burned

It's chilly where the sun once shone,
Mem'ries haunt when I'm alone,
Bereft of joys that I had known,
My dreams all torn apart.

Scorched the earth where flowers bloomed,
The dust and ash my hopes consumed,
Hes'tations, doubts our passion doomed
Ere it had time to start.

I want in vain for solace dear,
It's dark where once the skies were clear,
When naught but what might be I feared
And the course our love would chart.

Promises broken, 
Words unspoken,
Deep wounds opened,
Eyes that cried.

Wrongs not righting,
Constant fighting,
Unrequiting,
Love soon died.

It's cold here where a flame once burned,
It's empty where for you I yearned,
It's dead and life will not return
To the cinders of my heart.



Written for "A Flame Once Burned" Contest
December 1, 2012
By: Daniel Beus


Details | Free verse | |

STILL

I have developed a temporary dislike of the things that I’ve convinced myself have been keeping you away from me. Mere substitutes that admitted to the murder of your mind.

This phone, and this 11 o’clock moon have slayed my reason’s for not just blaming your wandering eye.

Most of these nights I’ve tried Ctrl.Alt.Del.(ing) any ridiculous thoughts, by selecting all of the frequently frustrating things that know just how to push my buttons. I don’t know why I’m speaking in computer terms, but lately I haven’t been able to function quite right unless I’m near one. It’s the only way to get near you.

Most of these nights, this phone has been the entire left side of my brain, but now my mattress has memorized the rhythm to a ringtone it should’ve never been introduced to, and now the stupid cushion keeps me awake until it has made sure that I’ve felt it vibrating up my spine. My intuitive, creative right brain seems to remember being together with it’s brother each and every time I remember laying together beside you.

I wait for a wanting of your wanting. Muscle memories of warm bodies wrapped up in positions that make your mind say ‘what the ****?’ I am missing you. The you who remembers that the other members of her body are always here to help; no need to amputate a listening ear, or an gouge out an attentive eye. I still see you.

Sometimes, I forget that the phone’s main function is to send a signal of information to someone you can’t see. Whether it be via text, twitter app or vocally, you want to reach someone you can’t see. I still see you.

Sometimes, I swear I can see each of the moon’s phases during the day;  completely filled with life during the time when it’s nearly invisible. It’s sad though, because New Moon, you show yourself to everyone else except me on the nights I always expect to see your face. Is this a trick man? or have my eyes been gouged out already, and I simply missed the painful message via text, twitter app or vocally? But still, whether with two eyes, four eyes or no eyes, I still see you.


Details | Free verse | |

Last Words

All i want from you is me...


Details | Free verse | |

Weighed Down

I let the breeze whisper to me,
I want to smile, but I can’t
because tears want to flow,
but can’t

Just have this feeling that 
somewhere, somehow,
something
has died…
or at the very least,
is withering

and I don’t know
whether I can be there 
on time to stop it 
from dying?

Of whether I can resuscitate
it back to life…
might be too late though,

because damage has been done
Oxygen has already been lost

sad, really 

so the weight is there
and I can’t shrug it off.

The tears still don’t want to fall.
Such defiance.

So I just close my eyes.
Maybe, tomorrow,
the sun will shine again.



05032011745p750


Details | Free verse | |

Raven Now Among The Dead

.
The scent of Tube Roses
Is so overpowering 
From the bouquet 
That is on the casket
Allergeric nasal passages swelling 

                              The dress that my family chose
                              For me to wear is so lovely
                              I just adore black silk and organdy

Can't wait until I can get up
I want to play with my gun
Target practice for a while
I want to be prepared to kill
That man who left me at the alter
Seeing him in his grave will be so gratifying

                               The sound of the hearse coming is so clear
                               Even though it is so far away
                               So little time here on this earth
                               Wanted my life to be so different
                               The hearse is getting close

Tonight I will get to play
In the graveyard where my love does lie
When the hearse arrives 
They will take me away
To rest in peace so they say

                                But I'll roam the graveyard
                                Where my former lover lies
                                I'll wait for his ghost to rise
                               Then I'll blow him away on this eve
                               I will do it once again with ease




Constance La France's Among The Dead Constest
Written by; Sara Kendrick


Details | Free verse | |

The Wall, The Wall

The Wall, The Wall

I
the world fades from my fingertips
like blood oozing from an open wound
the sky is ripped apart and full of thunder
and my eyes are twisted in pain

shut the door and lock me within
the light is buzzing and flickering
something is about to explode
or maybe thats just my soul

softly touch the wall and it corrodes
the white paint peels and turns black
and cracks appear on the surface
a garbage touch that ruins it all

for years the signs of ruin were there
building up behind fragile white walls
and now i sit here with an open chest
my heart nailed to the damned wall

and as the world fades from my fingertips
like blood from an open wound
the sky outside is bloody and tormented
and i cant begin to see my own reality

II
im so afraid that if i get up ill fall again
damned by the ghosts of the past
the flashing glare of reality looms larger
closing in on me and slapping me

if only someone could open the door
and let me out of this foreboding room
perhaps i could see more than whats inside
instead of slicing myself in half

remember it was your verse that ended me
slicing off my fingers one by one
it was when my heart was nailed to the wall
that i truly forgot how to feel

my sickening screams echo loudly
throughout the confines of my own mind
reverberating down my spine
and leaving me in a shivering fit

as the world fades from my fingertips
like blood pouring from an open wound
the sky outside has faded to a deep black
and i cant begin to see my own reality


Details | Free verse | |

A Harvest of Sins

Weary and sluggish with apathy and 
disinterest, I nervously reflect and 
languish.

My thoughts--thick and heavy like 
molasses--churn and swirl in and out of my 
head and spill against the background of 
dead silence of my apartment living room.

They are in constant motion, while I sit in 
the living room mute and gagged and bound
with the world-weariness of a lifetime and 
stare blankly into empty space by looking 
inward.

Even the furnishings around me defer to 
my sullen mood. Not saying a word and 
bowing their heads, they hold their tongues 
and keep their thoughts to themselves out 
of respect and deference for my silent and 
solemn doldrums. 

The TV, 
otherwise always on and hyper-gregarious, 
for once regards my sullenness and apathy 
with its own.

I sit thus—
alone, 
but in the sympathetic company of my 
furniture and belongings. 

They whisper to me of a time when I was 
sinful and wanton and remind me of the 
need for redemption.

I remember, and take heed by repenting.

By doing so, I have avoided reaping and 
gathering 

a harvest of sins.



Details | Free verse | |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around
I call it: THE BOREDOM DISEASE

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 


Details | Free verse | |

Find My Place

For awhile, I thought I had.

New love. 
New dreams. 
New smiles.

Letting go, the small things that hurt.

They are tiny compared to past, trashed confidence.

Never quite finding my true place in the equation.
Maybe the answer is stuck in some ugly , frothing  math book, somewhere.
If so, I won't look there.
Why bother.

I am made of heart.
My only thinking muscle.

Whether beating with joy or pain,
it's beat is reliable.
Consistent.
Safe.

My only true measure of my own reality.

Even broken, it is less painful than letting it rely on misguided thoughts.
Feeling lost, while watching agendas, that seem to be the norm.

Other people's norms..........not mine.

I will never understand the meaning of "self first".
I have lived my life for others, since the day I cried at birth.
Abandoned.

My birth, an inconvenience to a womb.

My existence, to make a childless couple happy.
A friend, to soften the blows of life for the masses.
A Mother, to succeed and fail.
A lover, to give and give and give.

A spirit to fly.
A soul, to yearn.
A body to tire.

Watching simple selfishness, destroy our world.
Reaching with an open, soft hand.....just to so narrowly miss, sharing a loving 
touch.
A touch, that might have saved a sightless and misunderstood, silent innocent.

We stay in the background.
We have been conditioned by our own experiences, our own shortcomings, our 
passive tears.

A balance, perhaps?
To keep the equation from tipping over the universal rhythms?

I feel it.
Heavy, with doubts of belonging.

Wondering how the self absorbed agendas of the stronger minds, stay crisp.
No illusive smudges.
Never wilting.

No room for throwing the afore said agendas, into the hammock overviews, of a 
rotated picture.

Find my place?

I'm probably on a list, somewhere.


Details | Free verse | |

On the Side

On the Side
                     Authored by Chuck Keys


On the side of the road it lay,
broken, forgotten and sorrowful sad.

I passed it by, laughing with my friends,
with nary a thought. 

But later,
I remembered it; why?

Who belonged to it;
and do they know of its disrepair?

Dust and debris covered some of it
but not all.

Emotionless it lay.  No joy nor pain,
only the moment.

There was no life about it;
maybe there never was.


Details | Free verse | |

Losing pieces

Oh, how I miss the dead…

... the softness in their voices
That I cannot recreate,
the warmth of their silence
Where now only cold remains;

And I know, oh how I know
That they are long gone
And I have been long removed
From those fuller times
But still, when I feel around my heart
I find that it is missing things
Parts long lost and dearly missed,
And I sit here feeling fatally incomplete
And I know-  that I can never be whole again.

But I still miss the dead,
And I miss the times
When I never knew
That I would live on
Missing the days when I was whole…

-So I still miss the dead
And the times when I was not hollowed by loss
Living every day with a lighter heart
So far from the times
 	when I would never be whole again.

And now, so far removed
from fuller times,
These few missing holes
they let in a chill wind
And somehow, these missing holes
they leave my heart heavy
And I know that it will grow heavier yet,
But I dread
That when I am lost
I die not just incomplete
But empty-
	Empty of all I could yet lose.


Details | Free verse | |

I'm Not Alright

I'm not alright!

my heart is empty
my eyes are blind
my mind is hollow
my soul is lost :-(

God where am I?

my heart has harden
my eyes see nothing
my mind is clueless
my soul is empty :'(

God why?
Why?
Why?

by;p.d.


Details | Free verse | |

Final Adieu

Final Adieu

Let another sun set,
Let another flower wilt,
Let another autumn cast its gloom,
Let another tear role,
As ye part, and bid
The final adieu.

Suyash Saxena
St. Stephen’s college


Details | Free verse | |

New Stars Are Formed

Strange colored skies climb northernly this night
Calling our future with wild deamons eyes
Abscure as the creatures who answer the call
Wild are the answers of the reasons and the faults
Certain as the well swept winds
Alluring in it's grasp fought negatively through single wins
I pray twords the skies and it curdles and swims
Thoughts twords the sun and it scorches my rims
Carry me far enough I can be within your sights
Stash us away and the sun will be bright
Motors may break but oceans will be light
I will stay on the coast and wait 
The award I will do is make the evening a minute late
Parched is the gulf as the single minute breaks
Great is the second docks a seperate mans gate

The Earths crust slowly begins to crumble
It quivers, then quakes, it slowly opens, the rivers break
A star is born somewhere, a beautiful new star
Great is the struggle, born from the heavens a small light it makes

The new star pulls, it turns, then it feeds and it's fuel it burns
Gently it orbits following all things it understands
The new star bends it dances it stands
Tancing outwardly as creations comprehend

A continient wavers as the new star binds its brand
It feeds off of our oceans as our tides wash in
It goes just as softly forward and back
As the rays of its placement barrow up to the sun
We watch very carefully because it's damages are already done


Details | Free verse | |

the Rose


                 The Rose innocent white, soft pink, yellows 
                colors touch your soul vibrant red to amethyst

                enhances beauty yet a thorn awaits to break skin
                as life does piercing your heart with a thin pin.

                My life has shed drops of blood through each petal
                 as if in return for the love and beauty you feel

                hence pain underneath patiently waits the bloodletting ~

                The rose symbolizes love yet vulnerable to hold
                for when you open your heart it can be left bleeding

                The best of surgeons can not beat your heart
                It is the inner faith and God himself whom gives strength 

                whispers in your ear you shall live you will exist
                your life meaningful as the water and sun to the rose

                 For I am your God  your existence is not over yet .
                        You must Live ~You must Bloom 
                       
                 


Details | Free verse | |

Lifeless

Lifeless
              Authored by Chuck Keys


I wish she loved me,
anyway, 
but some.

The heart needs the up-time
as the soul
needs an echo.

I wish she loved me,
always, maybe forever, 
but not never.

Loveless is not an existence;
it is a span of emptiness,
a wasteland.

I miss what I no longer have
as Man needs a God.
Do I?

Destined to alone,
am I alone, 
or am I  free.


Details | Free verse | |

Like a thief in the night -Thinking of September 11th

Another morning I got up and my thoughts returned here. Just wanted to put something of
the memory that lingers still today from scenes we saw of September 11th.  Scenes we would
like to but will never and should never forget.  I do not wish to cause further despair to
anyone but if anything bring some hope to those who are suffering safe in the knowledge
that they have the world behind them.  What has happened cannot be undone but with
strength and assistance from those who had the core torn from them as the horrors unfolded
and they watched on in disbelief we can be there for one another.  We can make sure the
memory of this tragic affair lives on, and in doing so help keep our own souls alive and
kicking... in hope all was not in vain, but that we shall learn from it and let the
promise of peace win through.  My heart and thoughts go out to all.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It doesn't matter today
if we build a building of immense height
like North and South towers of World Trade Centre
even if to use as defence system
just as we would have built a castle on a hill
in times gone by - times have changed
New buildings and memorials will now stand
in recognition of who/what was on said land
Their memories will always continue
as will the vision on t.v. all did view
Where minds stood still in disbelief
while strike after strike we all felt grief
Where tears were shed by billions of eyes
War was declared with no defence in skies

It doesn't matter today
we most probably wouldn't even see
as our enemies approached
Like a thief in the night they came
stealing from us that most precious
those whom we loved or cared about

What matters today
is that for all eternity history has been made
Times we cannot change
Broken genealogical lines gone forever
Marks made on the landscape - irreplaceable
Never can anything stand for what was again
Humanity and psychological effect remains
We may not all have lost those known to us
but we stand together shoulder to shoulder
Encircling those that remain
Knowing each one of us had our soul torn
Our eyes darkened by Hells darkest Angels
When none could believe that before their eyes
Planes came crashing through the skies

Out of ashes a phoenix, a nation arises
and with it the world reawakens
We will not sleep but remember
A tragic time when so high a cost was paid
with unknowing souls now recognised
What right to take such brave innocent lives


Details | Free verse | |

The Storm

And the storm calls to me in ways you'll never understand
A gentle call that urges my soul forth
The lighting guiding a path for my feet to walk
Between the stones and ash of all that once was
I stand in the echoing silence of the rain 
It drops down upon my skin like the blessing waters of heaven
Soothing me, lifting the weight from my body 
I feel at once as if I am home
Standing amid two dimensions 
Caught between two skies - here and there
The night wraping around me in warmth
The gentle wind lifting me off my feet
Drops from the clouded moon washing away my body
and I am left just a soul, an essence 
The storm calls me forth from beneath my roof
Beckoning me into its depth 
I stand among the reeds in the basin 
They dance and sway as if welcoming me
And I sway with them back 
Caught up in the power that charges the air
That threatens to sweep me away 
If the ground will just loosen its hold
The thunder rumbles a low welcoming growl
And I get pleasently lost within it
I am so small compared to its vastness
I close my eyes and succumb to the skies wishes
Rising higher until my feet no longer touch the ground 
My fingertips touch the liquid color of the stars
A sigh drifts from my lips
There is no need of thought to stay afloat
There is no demand to breathe in air
No crushing weight upon my chest
As my lungs struggle to survive
There are no struggles here
I make my bed on blackened clouds
And give in to the call
The storm has claimed me as its own 
It was such a struggle to stay upon the ground
When the storm would call me home


Details | Free verse | |

Believe

When I was younger i was taught to believe in god
Now i wonder if i misunderstood, Whether it was all a mirage
Baptized in holy water so the father could give a trial by fire
Suicidal thoughts seek to conspire
As we forget the angels and our demons consume us
Earth encrusted shoulders, each day a little boulder
And I want to be a believer
But all i see is anger and shots of liquid amber
I heard the preacher tell me that god loves us
That we're like angels, simply wingless
And i want to believe
That there's someone out there
But every prayer brings another Sandy
Children in the school yard fall like confetti
Like a bloody ticker-tape parade
As his light simply tiger stripes the shade
Never erases, simply highlights the
Yosemite Sam sound effects that serenade
A generation where white boards double a body armor
And with every dead child i struggle to reconcile
This love-hate relationship
But i want to believe
That the love outweighs the hate
But we're screaming hello
While he whispers goodbye
Like we're that second page in another hopeless fairy tale
Sprinkling bodies like Hansel's breadcrumbs
As we search for that ginger bread house they told us was a church
But we find only the pieces of us we left behind
The parts that shattered on impact as we free fell
Leaving us looking a little less beautiful than before
And i want to believe
But im stuck in this mortuary closet
Filled with skeletons of my past life 
Sitting around trading war stories
And i want to believe
I look for god, but i never get pass the neon cathedral
Sacramental whiskey sips and bartender confessionals
Never used a chaser i was too afraid to chase the truth
Mostly cause i was to scared of myself
So i exchange fear for numbness as I use whiskey-scented band aid substitutes
Trying to drown my demons but my terrors taught them to swim
I just want to believe
But first i want to believe in me


Details | Free verse | |

Blood Drips From Walls

A scream stretches out into the night
A desperate call heard but with guilt ignored
An echoing beacon of another battle commence
As neighbours run to their bunkers to escape its call
As blood drips from walls

In separate tombs
Two children wait in line
Hoping and praying they won't reach the head this time
Dreading what raised voices and familiar shouts will bring
As they desperately hide beneath timid sheets
That had always failed to provide cover they need
As blood drips from walls

A mother throws herself into the line of fire
Desperate to protect her kids from his fists full of anger
For she knows if she's not there where next he will turn
As her blood drips from walls

Plates, cups, glass become the bullets
In a battle for the kitchen door
Whilst trapped inside for now her children's safety she is sure
As blood drips from walls

Drink the finger on the trigger held
Cruel words the shrapnel that went so deep
Every punch of his fist the mighty bomb
That tempted fate to end this once and for all
As blood drips from walls

The excited barking dog
Becomes the friendly fire
As her arms try to block the punches
The dog bites into what he doesn't know
A scream of pain for a moment sets still time
As blood drips from walls

Two children shudder as the ambulance pulls up outside
The flashing lights a breeze of hope dancing on their bedroom ceilings
Just maybe somebody might come and take them now
Guilty in their selfish need as they feared for their mother loved
As blood drips from walls

But as they drifted into exhausted sleep
Freed for a night from his rage as he sat and feared losing all he controlled
In a hospital room their mother retreated into a lie
Surrendered all of them to many years more
Because more than she feared the war
She was terrified of the loneliness from losing his love
Believing every time he told her you're not good enough
As blood drips from walls


Details | Free verse | |

More Snippets

I. Bleeding -- a world without comfort -- lost without love -- no destination... silently walk without touching wounds... where is love? II. Frail fingers grope... sodden afternoons... winter fog... through gray eternity -- cold eyes, delicious mouth. Found love will laugh, desire returning. III. Making love, we deceived ourselves. Complicitors, we lied. Compliant pawns, we defied danger, practiced brilliant fabrication -- but truth was stranger. IV. Others know desire: ever changing years -- and lifetimes -- reaching towards the moon. Love, be my way.


Details | Free verse | |

Last Kiss

Open your eyes to the ever turning skies 
I want to here with me through the night 
My heart yearns into your soul 
Burning as if newly lit coal 
I bravely submerg the embers 
That the time I have can be spent with you 
And I remember each kiss every moment 
I was caught in your love that for just this day I remember 
So what happened was a chance for your love 
A time that I kept in a locket tied with a kiss 
 I wanted you to feel, to love, to slumber 
And to awake in my arms with that times kept bliss 
I lay silient in an umber


Details | Free verse | |

I Wish I Could Explain

I know I left turmoil,
a world that doesn't understand.
I realize in this after life
there was more for me to give.
I wish I could explain
the choice that I made.
Life just seemed so dark,
an asylum I couldn't contain.
As the world tried to comfort me,
keep me sane,
I found myself still dying,
living in my pain.
My ways were incomparable,
no one could have kept me here.
Even when I was surrounded,
I felt alone in my skin.
People tried to save me,
encourage me to live,
but as the darkness overtook me,
I drowned in all my nightmares.
Sighing in my last moments,
I knew no one could comprehend
that in my most lonely times
I had to make it end.
I wish I could explain,
but no one could truly understand.

NOTE: (I know notes aren't supposed to be here, but I don't want people to freak out from 
the 
topic) This poem is NOT about me, or current thoughts that I have to harm myself. I have a 
coworker, as well as another friend, who had a close friend commit suicide. In the past I 
have struggled with depression, so I can empathize with how this person felt, and even 
though it is extremely dark, this poem has been going through my head for a few days now.


Details | Free verse | |

Living In The Past

The Emancipation Proclamation was put 
into effect in 1863,
That meant freedom for slaves,
the ones who looked like me,
blood, sweat, and bullets were shed along 
with tears,
innocent civilians put through years of hell 
and fed with fears,
nooses invaded necks,
in the home of the brave,
in the home of the slaves,
blood flowing as they gaze,
lynchings were congregational,
often invitational,
white kids kids were taught to look at 
them as merely educational,
he is just another tally in the stat book,
slaves screaming until exhaustion as they 
were made to look,
saliva often found homes on the pits of 
our face,
jeopardizing our case, 
exasperating our race,
if you had children they often vanished 
without a trace,
we were taught not to embrace,
each other in any way,
I know the only way we made it out is the 
good Lord's grace..


Details | Free verse | |

The Running Man

Leg over leg
I watch
Oh once great majestic man
Stuffed with life and vigor
Stood atop the world
Champion
Once conqueror of mountains
Now crushed by pleasure
Turned animal of desire 
Now the running re-claimer
Of past honors

Leg over leg
I watch
One step at a time
His lungs smashing against his insides,
As they fight for air,
Against a nicotine choke hold

Leg over leg
I watch
His feet
They burn,
Sprinting through a Savannah of flames
The weight of his past gluttony slows him down
And chains of sweets
Bind him to a mountain of food;
An animal
 Hungry for progress

Leg over leg
I watch
A hurricane of alcoholic despair swells above him
As a downpour of liquor whips his beast of a body
And all that he has drank
 Tries to wash him away

Leg over leg
I watch
His vision blurs,
The distant mountains and clouds begin to swirl,
The road ahead bends and buckles, 
His legs vanish beneath him
And he greets the floor with open arms

I watch
His heart rages
Trapped in a cage
The animal pushes and pulls aggressively
Painfully biting against his chest 
Until it finally becomes quiet
Still
Strangled by the smoke, grease and alcohol
Silencing all who witnessed their reign of terror
His body unmoving
Just inches from the finish line
Still
I watch 


Details | Free verse | |

over and over agin

sometimes i talk to myself, 
my mind is racing,
i dont know what to do...
so hard to explain.
depression isn't a stage
or a faze some kids go through
it shatters you...
i saw it all. 
she cried silent in her bed,
blood stains covered her favorite jeans,
her every shirt,
long sleeve ofcourse...
she suffered through it all with few people to call friend
and more to call enemy
even more to say where quite dissappointed....
FAT
her first name in school,
not started by a bully
or a mean rival,
but by her sister, 
and it echoed through her soul,
repeating in her mind... over and over again,
like the ripples of still water
when a pebble is dropped
flash frozen in time
repeating,
over and over again...
It was the first name they gave her,
millions where created over the years,
some unique
some repeating again, just as the first had..
gothic they called her,
emo, fat, ugly....worse things.
but in her mind, things where worse.
everything was repeating,
over and over again,
finally she believed it. 
she asked for help, from everyone
tried to explain to parents she wasnt well,
got called a psycho for asking to see a theripist,
not from a teacher,
not from a class mate,
but from her own father, who wouldn't, couldn't,
believe there could possibly be a thing wrong....
finally, crying, she confessed her bloody secret to a teacher.
rather then giving her time,
she is sent back to class crying her eyes out, as if she wherent going through enough...
she is sent to the principals office a few minutes later, after breaking down in class...
the princlipal says she needs help,
sends her and her dad for a risk evaluation,
her dads crying as she shows him her cuts...
they walk into a hospital room, 
it smells of chemicals and hand sanitizer,
the lady at the desk gives her a smile.
then she goes into a room with a lady,
her cheeks are sunken in and shes wearing way too much makeup,
the girl is gaging on her perfume,
and she looks really intimidating....
her dark brown hair looks dead and flat
even though its a bit wavy, 
and she wears somewhat of a mocking frown.
asks her all these questions,
is mommy beating her?
no
is daddy raping her?
no
is she doing drugs?
not alot
is anyone beating her?
pass...
did anyone molest her? 
pass....
oxcarbezapine, trazadone, citalipran, clinazapam, colonipan,
valium, lithium, more.......
and thats what they gave her,
more... 
some numbed the pain
some brought it out
tearing through her organs,
she became an addict by the time she was fourteen....
over dose after over dose
some for pleasure
some for pain,
gashes on her legs getting deeper,
this time she didnt tell a soul,
not even those she had come to call friends....
wakeup she screamed in her head over and over again
as she dropped weight like it was nothing....
you cant controll it she argued as things became worse. 
at age fourteen she attempted suicide,
she didnt quite succeed.
the medication took away her aappitite....
she liked it
she hated her body
hated herself
felt out of controll
found a new way to cope
as she shoved tooth brush after toothbrush down her throat
to keep her body from nuitrients...
as she whent weeks and weeks spitting food into napkins and making excuses 
I ate at my friends house....
spoken as a whisper
heard like a sentance
echoing in her mind over and over again,
along with that word, all the words,
FAT!!!!!!
ugy, anoying, stupid, fake, worthless, nothing...
one bite she would say
rocking back and forth
craving nothing but food
her body racked with hunger pain
one bite and there she was again
FAT!
over and over and over again
back to a toothbrush
this time she sees blood
she saw her ribs
she saw her bones,
it wasnt good enough,
she almost died, again....
choking on this deep dissappointment in herself,
gaging on everything they where pushing down her throat, 
their words, and their insults, their criticism.... their drugs
all shoved down her throat like candy
and just as she was was trained to do she swallowed despite the bad taste
or the hurt
or the fact that at the rate she was going she would be dead soon...
and you know why? 
because daddy yelled 
and couldnt accept what was happening
not because he wanted to hurt her
but because it hurt him,
and she let him believe,
because she could take the hurt if it meant he didnt have too.
because mommy didnt want to sit in her room all day
smoking weed
doing nothing,
practically having us raise ourselves,
she didnt mean to take anger, or frustration or hurt out on her daughter
she suffered everyday in her solitary confinement,
and from a young age she accepted her bedroom was the cage
 her mother had created for herself.
because sister didnt want to effect her the way she did
she was just frustrated
fed up with the way things where
scared, she needed someone to take her cruelty
and to help heal her pain...
because people in school
who where so cruel
had to have learned from somewhere
and she wasnt going to play into their games,
and they knew she was an easy target
because she would never attack someone so weak
and she accepted her suffering was a sacrafice
to help all these people....
to help her dad,
her mom,
her sister,
every person who was beaten abused or hurt
 and felt so weak at home they wanted to feel strong in the one safe place they had.
because depite the fact she had died inside,
and almost passed away on the out,
it was a saccrafice she was willing to make
so that no one else would have to feel that kind of pain,
and they all inflicted it and broke her down'untill there was nothing left but a shell
of somthing that could have been
and never had the chance
and why? 
because she would take it and wouldnt strike back,
because sometimes "just taking it"
isnt so much about the weakness not to do anything
but about the strangth not to hurt others the way they hurt you...


Details | Free verse | |

Frustrations

Aching with such soreness, the thought
of touching glass longing to shatter in pieces
but uncertain as to how much force.
Strength of varying degrees to apply
and yet fearful of shattered glass,
brittle grains of sand and levels
of the unknown.

Grey dark clouds heavy laden with drops.
Looking to burst but just waters in motion,
waiting, titillating in jest almost laughing down.
Provoking a longing to reach up, to burst that bubble
to feel the coolness and freshness of relief.
Yet so far above, cannot reach 
miles of the unknown.

A grain of sand between bones
grinding when dryness has set in.
So very painful like gallstones
excreted thru the wrong passage
no relief even death unquestioned,
a vital option to touch the unknown.


Details | Free verse | |

Bound by Convention

I engineered an intricate design,
determined to be action,
not thoughtful stasis.
But, isolate and distant --
a preserver of decorum --
formal, unexposed, and safe --
with bounds determined
by tight, sane strictures,
I did not struggle,
could not escape nor abandon place --
became, instead, a creature
habit-ridden:  a cousin
to the circus seal
that honks a horn
for fish.


Details | Free verse | |

On A Lonely Bench

Sitting on a lonely bench,

Memories got me blenched,

Your heart I tried to clench,

Though, the rains got me drenched,

From hearts I needed to entrench...

 

Your words not retrenched,

From things I wanted to bent,

While you often tended to bend,

Without letting me mend...

 

You, I tried to fend,

You borrowed and erased te times I used to lend,

Manipulated and used by you,

Pretending to be a friend...

 

From hallows I scended

From errors you descended,

My life wished to be attended.

Even though, you got me expended,

My hands were still extended,

Even though, you got me offended...

 

The times I misspended,

You still condescended me,

Though, the changes were about to be impended,

I was still amended,

And I was still intended...

 

But, I was not comprehended,

Even though, you were condemned and untamed,

While I was aimed to be blamed,

Still, more thing you wanted to borrow and gain...

 

Although, this is the end,

The ways, I will paint,

For the pains to get unbended,

As I contemplate nature and life,

With memories that swayed and portended,

As my soul slowly transcended,

While sitting on a lonely bench...


Details | Free verse | |

Drought

Cool; green; heat; dry; brown; dust . . .
The wind blows
enticing moisture from the dirt.

Forming quiet earth quakes
that sneak along rupturing the soil.

A small weed muscles the crack larger;
hiding in its shade,
making earth powder as it drinks the last dew.

It peeks up to bathe in the heat brought here on foul breath.
Inhaling into dry nostrils,
it leaves the earth gasping,

weary of filtering the particles that were once our home.


Details | Free verse | |

Stolen gravity

She had eyes evoking dread behind the lies and smiles
Into the two minds of what would be two separate demeanor's
The cries from the past forced upward to the front
I detested her for what she did
The assaults continuous and degrading
The vile devil had reached her soul
Black into the night with nails spiting from her tongue
How could she? 
Could she? God why?
Didn’t she see I was dieing inside
No place to hide, no place to hide
She found me even in my weakest state
Exhausting my self worth
The pulverizing me into tiny pieces 
The daily beatings that seem to never end
 
There wasn’t a place that didn’t hurt on my body
Sometimes I played dead just to stop the assaults
I know the black bird is coming I can see him now 
“Help me, help me” “just stay still” 
Maybe she’ll think she has won and my breath has stopped 
No not chance hatred filled her heart of stone  
The dreadful things she spouted from her ugly soul 
My mind was bleeding pouring out into my hands
This small helpless child shaking for fear of her next move
Although I didn’t know it then as I do now
She was living in her own hell
Living out the pitiful past that was given to her
She could change what she was taught
But still how I grew resentful of her and her mouth of fire
To this day there are many people I ‘ve never told
How a whispered a sigh when her casket was closet  





Details | Free verse | |

Follow that rainbow

Life is possibility
there are broad horizons out there for us all if only we will look 
If children don’t succeed they try again or try something else – 
life is about finding who we are, what our purpose is, and where our talents lay… 
Just because we are not happy with something now 
does not mean tomorrow will not bring brighter horizons

Get out and follow the rainbow of opportunity
its spectrum of options are numerous in number and variety
Look top your heart and minds desires and work with it
A potter will work with a piece of clay, take it and mold it
Squash it, slip it, turn - carve - colour - glaze and cook it
In attempt to master the minds perfection

We do not always get it right
but there is little that cannot be scrapped and redone
before too far down the path and then re-do
There is nothing to say if we become lost to our first desires
that in looking for others we shall not find where we should be at
or what it is we should be doing

Too many of yester-years children have grown up 
to thinking they have no place within our society
they have become lost to lack of jobs
they are skilled and talented in own direction
as humans they bring chance to our world with new skills
those that are being lost through continual rejection

Each of us has personal pot of gold to find
not always is this financial but one that makes us feel needed
Each of us should be encouraging 
so many live miles from home families divided miles apart
Community is individuality here and yet we need pull back together
for in doing so we will know each others needs to support

When the efforts of others become unrecognised
We can lose that which is vital to having the skills needed
for tomorrow or future years
Pulling together now and offering needed skills to fit in
An hour or two’s experience in an alternatve can keep us in touch with one another
I was always taught that none of us know what will happen to us in years ahead
Sowing seeds now could help us grow or keep us going then

Think twice because times are changing
Those latter years of our lives could perhaps see us working retirements
With those we helped along the way over us instead
Teach them what you know and they’ll remember
Maybe helping you in your struggles or perhaps retraining
Karma comes around as it goes around, make yours good!


Details | Free verse | |

Glisten in the Moonlight

Your glorious emerald eyes 
Glisten in the moonlight 
Glisten in the moonlight 
Delight dances in the water
I watch it joyfully
You are set free from the cage...
You're like a dove soaring in the sky
You are the rain...
drizzling down in ecstasy 
A hint of ecstasy is shown in your reflection...
When you caress me... I'm relieved... 
From the stress that forced me in chains
I knew we'd be on the brighter side of tomorrow 
We're glistening in the moonlight 
I knew we'd become candles in the heavens above us
We're glistening in the moonlight
For a moment, I felt your presence...your radiant with sympathy 
I saw at first glance the dark side of you
Tonight, we'll be together and fly through the horizon 
We'll watch the sunset say its last goodbye...
We'll wave a greeting at the moon! 
We glisten in the moonlight...
What if I was as handsome as the lion...
Roaring with pride and pure courage
What if we were glistening in the moonlight?
Would it bring health to our bones tonight?
Would it make our heart rejoice and overflow with delight?
Would we be able to survive this horrifying plight?
Would we be shimmering like a candlelight?
We're glistening in the moonlight... (6)
Ohh...yeah...ooh yeah...ooh yeahh...
We reach to the stars and hope we can trace a shooting star
I feel the coolness run down my fingers...
We're glistening in the moonlight
You're the dandelions in the fields
You're the gorgeous view that I marvel at everyday
When you kiss me, I live my dreams
We glisten in the moonlight
In a quick moment, I sense a feeling of endless renewal 
I roam inside of your illuminating maze 
Glow on... sunshine... 
Glow on...sunshine...
Glisten in the moonlight...
Listen to the truth and rub it in
You are ravishing like the sunset
But you're ascending while I'm descending
I feel extremely guilty
I wish I could glisten with you in the moonlight
You're glistening in the moonlight (6) 
Ohhh yeahh... oohhh yeahh... ohh yeahh
You're glistening in the moonlight (4)
We go our own way
I wish we can glisten like the moon
Glisten like the sun 
There's a dream concealed inside of me...
Reveal your light and pour it upon me
You glisten in the appealing moonlight
While I'm subsiding... you're fulfilling your dreams
Of gliding across the horizon 
You're independence... keeps on scorching with satisfaction
While I'm below you... 
Your emerald green eyes
Stared me down like a hawk...
Your emerald eyes
Gaze down at me genuinely...
I wish we could flee together in reality...
That could be a possibility
To glisten in the moonlight in glee
We were glistening in the moonlight (3)
But that was only a dream...
I'll pray that it turns into a reality
We were glistening in the moonlight 
Now, I've misplaced my delight...
Will I ever experience such a brilliant night?


Details | Free verse | |

All What People Say

I don’t know 
I just don’t know anymore 
Tears sting in my eyes
I thrive to release them 
But then all would ask “why” 
Signs and people 
Make me believe I’m doing something wrong 
But my heart 
That fragile pounding voice 
That bleak passionate emotion 
That thing that makes me who I am 
Shouts to me to let down my tears 
To shut out all thy people 
To do the thing that feels right 
To do the one thing I love more than anything 
Make people laugh, and smile 
Be there, just be there 
Supporting, believing, praying 
But then all would judge 
And the pureness would turn into guilt 
The guilt that would strangle me 
Strangle me into exhaustion and confusion 
And I would lie, hide, and change 
And people would notice 
They would ask “why” 
And I don’t want that 
Sometimes I wish if things weren’t things 
If words are easily done 
I wish if I could wake up 
Knowing every doubt and worry is gone 
Every ache, and asphyxiation mended 
But no 
The sun will come up again 
With every ray, there will be darkness 
With every hope it brings, shattered 
With every glee, agony will settle 
And we will shut it out 
With curtains and veils 
In the tears, darkness, and ache 
We were brought 
And in them we shall prosper 


Details | Free verse | |

My Future Generation

I can act insane
But DO NOT 
Make me feel worthless

I belong in God’s family
He will bless my future generation

Don’t punish me for
Being myself –
Don’t envy my glee 

I can act like an
Adult, but I’d 
Prefer to have joy…

Not stress…
That piles upon us in our 
Everyday lives

Being childlike is

A rare beauty – 

No one prizes it…

No one came across it…

In this lifetime…

I can laugh all day
I can make you smile
If you’d accept my 
Childlike dreams of mine
Don’t treat me like a sick swine

Renew my young heart
Give me the ability 
To kill the old man…

I have my place in God’s family
He’ll be adored and glorified 
We’ll exchange prayers and hugs  
By my future generation

I beg of you – 
Don’t kill my childlike mentality
I’ll behave myself…
I’m positively sure that I’ll make you happy

I’ll still have pieces of a child in me

And pass it on to my future generation…


Details | Free verse | |

Tell Me Why

Why?
Why?
Why?

Tell me why?
Tell me why?
Tell me why?

Was it, because I was too nice,
I was too much of a gentleman,
or was just too much to handle?

Was it, because you were young?
Was it, because you couldn't find your heart,
in all that darkness?
Was it, because you just didn't feel the love?

Why?
Why me?
A man like me, deserves no pain,
no heartbreak.
So, why me?

I pray and ask the Gods,
why!
But an unresponsive god never speaks to me.
He sits there and watches... watching what?
Nothing, but a heart being torn to shreds.

Was it, because I was too careful?
Was it, because I loved too much?
Was it, because one half of the heart couldn't fit the whole?

I ask you, because I still love you.
Come to me, my beautiful,
stop this nonsense,
I cannot make you love me,
but I sure can try to show you love.

Do not blink,
do not take a gift sent down from the Gods
for granted.
Appriciate what you have,
appriciate me, because one day,
when you need a shoulder to cry one,
you will not be able to find me, anywhere.
I will be lost,
in a fool's dream of romance and love,
that will never come on my front doorstep.
Still dreaming of the possibilities of you and I.
My heart is with you always,
but I will soon expire,
so do not wait too long.

-10/5/2013


Details | Free verse | |

Chicago

The Coke Makes The Vodka Smell Different,
Tingles The Nose and Makes Me Feel Ensickened.

Eighty Eight Tiny Hammers Striking String, 
Softening The Hit of The Liquids Infusing Nature.

                                 - What's Chicago Like? -

Maybe One Day I'll Go There, Liquor Myself Into
A Necessary Courage and Find The Elusive Amethyst.

My Amethyst Amidst The Ashes, That's What I Called 
Her, The Perfect Mould For Every Future Entwinement. 

                                  - And My Amethyst She'll Stay -

Forever My Muse of Unbridled Perfection, The Chords She
Created With Her Sweet Voice Were Raw and Beautiful.

Her Voice, Seemingly an Allegory For Her Physique and 
Demeanor. Clumsy... But So Willing To Love.

                                   - The Ease of Creativity -

My Beautiful Forgotten, How You Have Facilitated The
Emptiness of This Man, My Lolita Incarnate.

Your Nymphet Spark of Eccentricity, I Can Still Feel
Your Heart Beating Against My Chest While I Sleep.


                  - Chicago is The Center of My Hell -
                    - A Hell I Should Make My Home -







Details | Free verse | |

Only in You

Through the lonely woods, I may head,

Upon the autumn leaves, I may tread,

At the secluded horizon, I may stare,

And only you, I may see,

In those symphonies of silence,

In those melodies of calmness,

In those euphonies of quietness.

 

By the silent lake, I may lay,

Till the twilight fades, I may stay,

Then in reclusive silence, I may walk,

And only to you, I may talk,

Through those toungueless emotions,

Through those wordless attachments,

Through those voiceless sentiments.

 

In the lone meadow, I may wander,

Along the untrodden paths, I may waver,

In companionless seclusion, I may hide,

And only in you, I may find,

The depths of oneness,

The bonds of togetherness,

The cozy feel of coalescence.

 

In the wilderness of emotions, I may die,

At the merciless daggering, I may sigh,

Through a million wounds, I may bleed,

And only in you, I may seek,

The balm of love,

The warmth of affection,

The heal of inseparability.


Details | Free verse | |

When I Look At You

When I look at you,
I pray that I don’t lose touch with you
When I look at you, 
I prey upon happiness and I never knew
That you mentioned me in your dorm
When I look at you,
My mind wraps all around you
When I look at you,
You give me a natural high, 
But it’s only temporary…
When you wake up,
I pray that you had the best of dreams
When you wake up,
I prey upon your energy and 
Soar like an eagle in the sky
He watches over me as years pass me by
Our friendship is too good to be true
We’re so lucky to have each other…
Weep no more, for your name is carved in my heart
There shall be no more death…
Bitter, worthless clouds spill out remorse – 
Depart and be gone!
I’m waiting to say “greetings” to you
I don’t have the strength to fight the battle
Endless thoughts spiral in my head
Making me feel awfully dead…
Many things are left a mystery for a purpose
When I look at you,
I pray that I don’t forget your name
When I look at you, 
I prey upon your joy and I never knew
That you mentioned me in an optimistic way
When I look at you,
My mind is overflowing with delight
When I look at you,
You give me a natural high, 
But it’s only temporary…
When you wake up,
I pray that you have the best breakfast
When you wake up,
I try to prey upon your glory, 
But you swim away like a swan in a sparkling lake
I wanna give you good advice…
I don’t wanna roll the dice…
I don’t wanna be a living sacrifice
I wanna throw away all of your pain 
I’m trying my best to reach the finish line
It’s hard to forgive the words you utter
It’s hard to forget and forgive yourself 
For the wrongs you’ve committed
My mouth kept running like the sink water
And my mind went numb and you seemed to be bothered
Pick up the shards of glass and show me some direction
I don’t know where to go from here…
But, I must keep a positive mindset
I’m not attempting to get you upset
When I look at you, 
I feel that I’m invisible 
You see right through me
And I reflect anguish and confusion
Have mercy on me and don’t be frightened
Disappear, thoughts of sadness
Reappear, thoughts of gladness
When I look at you,
I see…a joyous, gorgeous face and 
I sense that you’ll have a bright future
Just keep shining...with all of your might
God is near your side...leave behind all worry
Don't you know that you made me taste your glee?


Details | Free verse | |

Hard Times

Today is not a very good day.There has been a lot
of things that have happened in the past few years.
We have had tragedies and troubles.It has been very
hard on all of us.All of us are blaming each other for
what is happening.I know we all have different ways of
coping with things and we don't always do well trying.
I do know that I have caused a lot of stress around
here but I am not the only one.I'm just trying to do my
best to make the right choices and deal with one thing
at a time.I have had my share of trying to do the right
thing and it has been no walk in the park let me tell you.
Anyhow,I am tired.I can't keep going like this any more.
You can call me a coward or whatever you want because
you have a right to your opinion.This is the way that I
want to deal with it.I'm sorry to each of you that feel like 
I did them wrong because I sure didn't do it on purpose.
I only did what I thought was right.I don't know what it's
like in the after life but I hope it's peaceful.I love you all
very much and I really hope you believe that.It is none 
of your faults.Please be strong for each other after I am
gone.I know that you will all be ok.I will be watching over
you everyday.GOODBYE.



                                                  COLLEEN MARIE BONO


Details | Free verse | |

The Blind Man

A man of words he was, and words he was alone.
For not only did the prison of his own mind so masterfully contain him,
It did so effortlessly.

Where was this cage?
Succumbed to an open room was all he faced,
The impossibility of escaping being the true keeper of the nonexistent key.

This man, he sat,
Sat in the shadows of what he thought he knew,
Thinking on and on but to no avail.

And watchers shouted to him, they called out from only a short distance,
But alas, to him they were in a realm that he had no intentions to see.
Time grew weary and they ceased their calling.

His cloud of solitude, of the voices of negativity that only he could hear,
Joyously devoured the life that could have been,
Yet chose to waste away.


Details | Free verse | |

Why I Cry

I was crying tonight 
I thought I had survived the pain
I know I was lying to myself
Holding back the tears
Pretending that life had moved on
That I had moved on
As the the night drifted to dawn
I found so much missing 
Then I pictured him
The image was so clear
My mind wandered back to the nights we shared
I felt his hand upon my skin
I saw the reflection of the moon in his eyes
I felt the happiness that lived in each moment
With him I felt whole 
My life complete
Without him 
Emptiness engulfs me
Sadness overwhelms me
I am lonely
Not for my lover
Not for companionship
Not for the man
For my best friend
I am lost
I look around and realize
This is not where I belong
This is not where I should be
This is where I stay
I ask myself why I stay
And though I can make a list of reasons
They are all excuses
Words that mask the fear
The fear of failure
Fear of more heartbreak
I know how disappointed in me he would be
And that is why I cry


Copyright © 2009   Lena “Lolita” Townsend


Details | Free verse | |

IF ONLY I COULD CATCH THE SUN, ever so softly


I try to ignore the squirming Hyde within 
And, with effort still,
I raise myself for the last traces 
of sunshine and fun.
What was left of the day, I savor for me. 
As the withering leaves of silence
have perfected the petals of stillness,
A quietude.
Such absence of sound
Never a serenity to the mind.
Disturbing solitude haunts.
Loneliness seems vivid as reality speaks 
Even the poignant sadness never parts
Solitary confinement paints an art.

Like the spectator in a thousand theatre plays,
 I achingly wait for the final curtains to part.
Then, as always expected -  
Left were the 
    dancing curtains 
       together with the late sunset wind. 
Tiny golden flecks 
   imprinting on the soft white 
        laces and trims.
Catching shadow images 
    of the last rays of brilliance, 
         blending slowly in yellow embers,
              forming orange coals, 
                   turning into sunkissed glow 
                         of a sad goodbye. 
Then,
    ever so softly fading
           into dullness and cloudless cold. 


And as the night falls, 
its shadowy self dances 
against the moonlit music of silence.
I listen and search still 
   for what is left. 
No traces of the sun 
whose magnificence and radiance 
had touched the leaves of laughter 
during my daytime slumbering; children frolicking, 
    early had the mind sensing. 
And, gone astray were the seeds of kindness 
    the day had grown.
It seemed they were sown 
    by someone I wish I had known. 


If only I could frolic 
    where little lads had been early today - 
        in the meadows, 
           by the pond, 
              along the shores, 
                  around friendly trees and smiling flowers, 
                       with the meadowlarks and chirpy games, 
                               I’d give away anything.
Basking in the sun on such a lemony day, 
someone sulks to find it's an emotional burn. 


If only I could catch the loveliness of the sun, 
I'd give away anything. 
ANYTHING. 
Just for something this grand. 


The mind wills but the heart groans. 
A moment of joy and laughter, so fleeting.
Forgot me, gave away the troubles. 
Today could be A DAY,
If only, ever so softly,  I could catch the sun.



Details | Free verse | |

LOST and LONELY A MESSAGE TO MY SOUPER FRIENDS

                  


             Last year was a hard year with 
             alot of bumps in the road.I have
             missed all my souper friends.
             Last April my father,uncle,were
             diagnosed with cancer.They are
             brothers and they found out on
             the same day.I didn't take it well
             and got mad and punched a steel
             beam.I have paid for it ever since.
             My father lost his fight and passed
             away July 30,11.I had to have 3
             surgeries in august on my hand.It
             got a staph infection and was in the
             hospital for 2 weeks and a nursing
             facility for 48 days on IV antibiotics.
             After my dad passed I felt like my
             life was no longer worth living.
             Now I feel I should end my life.
             The date I have chosen is near. I
             hope you all do well on your poetry
             writing.There are a few people on this
             site,you know who you are,I want to
             thank you for everything you have 
             done to help.
             Now I am lost and lonely and ready
             for peace.I hope my poetry legend
             will live on.


Details | Free verse | |

Giving In To The Gray

Overwhelmed with fear I whispered into the rain
Disarming defenses, Giving in to the gray 
Tearing down all of my shelter within my hollowed decay
While this echoing silence gave every tear drop a name
They begin filling the voids with mundane hopes for a change
Heaven will save me from this hell and blue skies will reign
Lazily lay in green grass watching clouds drift away
It's all but a deflated dream now that the colors have changed
My thoughts have become restless noise of uncertainties rearranged
Damning all of my emotions, lies decorated with grace
Now I stand with a hardened heart in the sobering autumn rain 
I'm disarmed and defenseless, Giving in to the gray


Details | Free verse | |

Night on a Beach

Blow into me and I bellow
a tune soft and mellow
like air through an empty beer bottle
thrown haphazardly onto a dusty shore
one sticky summer night.
I, my contents consumed,
lie hollow like the sea shells.
I lay here a shell of what I should have been.
Touch me and I'll shatter like glass
but I long to feel so I touch myself.
I fill the space between what I am and what I want to be
with yesterday's leftovers
and thoughts of unavailable men
lying beside me in the sand.


Details | Free verse | |

Oscillation in a static realm

Oscillation in a static realm. Stalking desolation, a haunting reminder of 
transcendence. Sporadic fractures paint a decadence flourishing confined mortal. 
Omnipresent the triumvirate, yet fallow diversity feigns a collapsing periphery. 
Malleable beings vivisect the strings of eternity for clarity divine.


Details | Free verse | |

Unwanted One

One much given
to introspective self absorption,
little inclined to action,
I record this plaintive piece.....
The years go by and, though I age,
I am still the lone, unwanted one.
Early it was I learned
to embrace pain, or to avoid it.....
never to invite, through any expectation,
added disappointment.....
always penning solitary lines,
mere mental meanderings.....
My drab world,
all dry sand and clouded sun,
sparsely populated,
was a nearly vacant, arid desert.
All my laurels for achievements
I, and others, immediately devalued.
Nothing I did could
be worthy of a lauding.....
no good could come from
an unwanted one,
one outside the pale.....
not from such a joyless one.

The years go by, and still,
I am I.....
the lone, unwanted one.


Details | Free verse | |

Personal Questions

What do you think?
Nothing.  Again, nothing.
I am as colorless as clear water,
as reflective as a mirror, as empty as a room
everyone just left.
What do you feel?
Nothing.  Once more, nothing.
I am as passive as a stone,
as fluid as a stream,
as shallow as a saucer...
Why do you lie?
I do not lie --
you see my exposed shell,
the walls inside which I
have become dessicated, shrunken,
hard, withdrawn --
an oyster, a clam, a snail --
a distracting polished whelk.


Details | Free verse | |

The Lion's Tale

Hear the Lion roar above the rapids

Hear that Lion roar;

But what if this Lion would roar no more?

And nothing was left for him to roar for.

His home is gone; His land been taken; His children ran; His life forsaken;

And though the Lion may roar above the rapids; That will be the last we’ll see

For if you can not be happy then why bother being free?


Details | Free verse | |

Strong Medicine

In the house a monster grows.
Dissension seethes unchecked,
this house divided stands alone.

The strongest rule, the rest beaten,  submit,
hopelessly pay homage, for now.
The young, attention is speculative
in hope of increasing dominance.
Strength through numbers, majority rule.

Know those who now rule will again be replaced,
they sulk, awaiting their turn.
Until then, they will pretend and play their game.
A country suffers, new fighting begins,
parlay and banter are not our friends,
The people the victim once again.

Strong medicine needed to bring this monster its end.
This two party system is destroying from within.


Details | Free verse | |

Hidden Treasure

Hidden Treasure
Hidden, locked away
A last resort
A compromise
When your well has gone dry
You search endlessly for me
Certain that my presence 
Always awaits your lonely soul
Underneath your dreamscape 
Here I remain
Your reality
I will be your mirror
When delusions are before you
For you I bear this cross
Because my heart beats for you

Just a memory to you so often
Your buried treasure lies here
Waiting to be discovered


 

©  2008 Courtney Dyer


Details | Free verse | |

Thoughts of You

Random thoughts of you run
randomly throughout my mind,
as I hold, looking through a simple picture of you and I,
smiles and holding each other,
embracing warmth brings me to sanity,
watching your hand on my forearm,
as you gaze into my eyes.
Oh the tears flood such emotion,
only you and I now in such madness we call love,
such madness we all call life,
such madness we all call reality.

Thoughts of me without you,
I cannot bear to see such a sight in mind,
to hear such words that tear my heart out
and sadness stabs me rapidly in the back,
and I can't bear to see such a sight as this.
Thoughts of you
running randomly throughout my mind,
my hair turns silver and white with stress
of not being with you,
and my liver covered with cancer,
and lungs black with smoke,
and stomach embraced with ulcers.

All I ask for you,
is not to be a thought anymore,
and come back to me in flesh and bone
in a portrait painting of you in reality
come to me with your beauty and glory
and kind heart and hold me again,
and let me kiss you again and love you again,
and call you mine again.
Don't say it is impossible,
when you know and I know,
that it is in fact possible
to love each other once again.


Details | Free verse | |

Hope

The phone rings innocently.
Who is at the other side?
Could be no one then yet a peculiar feeling tells
me it is the bearer of bad news.
Still I answer hoping I am wrong.
My mother is ill, trapped between two worlds; 
the worlds of fear and courage.
My ears hear every word but my mind has created a 
sudden barrier that nothing seems to
penetrate like some sort of
steel web of unwanted denial.
Fear floods my body like a torrent
river flow, eroding strength
and stability.
How much longer can I bare it?
Never it seems but hope still glimmers 
regardless of how dim.
Miles are between us, 
I feel numb and unexpectedly lost.
Where am I?
It’s certainly not here in the presence 
of fallen angels.
The bell of hope strikes a sharp note creating a 
gentle chime awaking my
senses to the news,
they are sharpened making
the fear of loss suddenly
commanding, corrupting my
inner strength making it weak.
I continue to listen all the 
while my body is screaming
in protest.
The voice stopped, I hung up,
the pain and fear never lessened.
Time went by all the while my
mind was constantly in a state
of anguish and grief.
Endless stories were created,
each one worse than the last.
My family begun to shatter like
a broken mirror, reflecting only
the scars of misery and needless
hurt.
Hope still glimmered but appeared
distant and out of reach.
My mind grew tender, endless misery
has eaten away at my last thoughts
of happiness.
The sting of fear created heartache
for the bond between mother and child
was nearly severed,
severed by the hands of
an unwanted deity.
A deity of life itself.



Details | Free verse | |

Words of Life

Drowning in the pool of anguish…oh…oh…
I’m venturing into the forest…and I want to hear the words seep out 
Release these aching sorrows…I worry my soul’s drying out…
like a drought…
Drain out the fluids from my heart
It’s gouging me…bruising me to the core…

**chorus** 
Embrace the light…embrace the midnight sky…
You fall in my arms – you die so warm
Shed me more sun to lift up my spirits
From the…underground…and release me – I’m breathless
I’m drowning in doubt…ooh… oh… 


Remember me…I’m falling…into my swirling fate…hanging on the roots 
Strangling my heart…distorting in my veins… I’m bleeding so softly – cut out the wood…
Splintering me…I’m shattering… and I’m falling in the abyss
Bring me more radiance from my candle light
Warp me up in bliss…don’t let the midnight sky…don’t take away my delight
From the…ocean…and save me—save me…oh… oh…  I’m failing 

*chorus*

I’m drowning in regret…ooh..oh…
Hit the bull’s eye in my heart…embrace the light
And don’t leave me hanging in the abyss…hand me a kite!
Save me before I fall apart…shut out the night
And don’t let the dusk escape us…

I must confess…
I must confess…
I hate to see you abandon the light…
But I’m not the one to save you from the night
Ooh…ohh…

*Chorus* 

Splintering lies fill your heart 
I want to kiss it goodbye…
But you’ve mastered it like a piece of art
I want to kiss the abyss and die…
Dry… I wanna touch the sky with my whole soul
But I’m failing and the end of time has taken its toll
Tainted sorrow…swims around me…I dwell where the waters depart
But the anguish still swarms in my heart…
I’m failing…my heart stops beating
And my desires are fleeting
From my grasp
And the monsters laugh at me…as I fall… 

*chorus*

Embrace the midnight sky…catch me…catch me…
As I fall in death’s arms…I die so cold
And your heart is made of gold

Untangle the darkness & take away the nightmares 
Answer our prayers & block out the night 
Erase the heartaches & wipe away our tears
Unravel Your words of life & delight


Details | Free verse | |

Draconian II

[The Puppeteer]
The storm I see you in
Caught in the race of Caïn
Held by the arms you cannot see--the conducter of Ennui 
-No stronger than the void you hold within-
It began with a hope, an obsession
Casted into, slavery of repugnant possessions 
Granted by, the Avaricious Lords, the ones we serve for
-They Told Us to pray, hope, away from despair, the despair caused by their immaculate Hands
Malice, envy, greed, was granted to me, The Feudal Dream, we want to be Them, just like him
-just how he solaces us, ambivalent hope, engendering knives to my throat 

[The Fall]
In this Valley of morning and weeping
Love lies bleeding, in desperate fear
With their talons, the hunt to rip out thy heart 
As each velvet petal falls apart
Her body chained in their bile and lies, covered with their red-spy
-sent just to check if our souls are in line, do not defy 
Her blood velvet and pure, drips away with innocence of the amber guardian 
The soil of plagues, beggars, and graves
Is know her home, the coven of solace
Though the seed has died--resurrection Is near passing through death's fear
One stronger than you--and thy funeral skies
She is alive--anew
But the vapors still remain
The Apocalypse is here, do we fear?
Just for the death of our sins
Elysia never Seemed so far away

[Our Damnation]
Solitary ruins, Fulfill their visions
We strayed far from the depths within 
We all lingered to his solace--lies
-you make the sign everyday, but lack toknow the name
We are just the toys, he pulls all of the strings
We are nothing in this burning world
of Decadence, and Failed Semblance

[Draconian] 
Draconian--Reach for the shadows within
Draconian--Break from the Fallen's son
Draconian--Their empirical lies, only die
Draconian--Reach the shadows within


Details | Free verse | |

She Hates Me...A Tragedy...

Ignore me...Why?
  "You’re a LOSER thats why!"
You Hate me, What did I do?
  "Why else, you are you!"
What is that supposed to mean
  "Figure it out, you’ll never win,"
I said I was sorry, What more do you want?
  "You ARE sorry, Pathetic, a Dork and a runt."
Is there anything I could do to change your mind?
  "I want you leave, what are you blind?"

Fine then I’ll go, but I want you to know,
I’m sorry for the things that I’ve said and I’ve done,
I’m sorry for the feelings, the love I didn’t show...

And the boy turned away, down the track where they run,
And ended his life...with the shot of a gun.

And when the girl heard, she uttered not a word,


For to miss him, to care,  or feel sorrow, well, that would be absurd...


Details | Free verse | |

Death of a Dream

Death of a Dream
      by Amy Swanson


Time
   existence
       goes by
          *long drawn out sigh*

gray transforming

overbearing
    the happy
         once joyful
            exuberant bright cheerful eclectic

becoming shadows
misty vapor
                  rising to the sky
                  fleeting...
                              gone.

Days gone by
     weeks
        and
          months
            and
               years

                          motions of life
                          crowd out
                          emotions of life  


                                         This unrecognized yet all too familiar place...

                                                    This is where dreams are born.
                                                    This is where dreams die.

Spark of light
    soft golden
struggles against 
    darkened mire

hope's ashes
      faith's grief
           love's despondence

Marigold hue
        charred
              sphere of night envelopes

Streaks and smudges
          of pride
              vanity
              selfishness
              cruelty
                      deface life's canvas
                         once glowing brilliant
                             -- now torn and tainted.


                                          This unrecognized yet all too familiar place...

                                                    This is where dreams are born.
                                                    This is where dreams die.
Silence...
    utter chaos...
         sheer madness
              consuming life -

they don't know.

They don't care.

They go about
     *busily*
          trading dreams
              spiritual riches
                for material fantasies
                     built with air.

Colorless
    consumes the bright

one small spark
        daring dream
              chasing burgeoning shadows

until exhausted
           extinguished...
                       no more.


                                            This unrecognized yet all too familiar place...

                                                    This is where dreams are born.
                                                    This is where dreams die.


Details | Free verse | |

Take Me

They played reverse psychology with his mind He felt so stupid Like everything he had ever believed was a lie The auras are bad, we continued to say They are not good Test the spirits…test the spirits He went haywire He pushed away How could we blame him? His body was not his own Come to grips, we told him The doctors don’t understand But still we must not jump to conclusions You are strong; you have God The upper hand If I lift this bed will you think otherwise? Lift the entire world and I will see nothing of you You are nobody compared to him in my eyes Your wonders are for wonderment alone You wander and then you stay You prey prey prey Those that prey desire nourishment Those who prey lack strength And to grab onto the youngest Mistaking him for stupid and weak That is below everything unworthy That is just pathetic Whatever you are You are not him And surely not worthy of a line of acknowledgement You hurt my closest friend And it is on You will be the reason The fire of my claws flare You will be the very thing I will devour It preyed on his innocence It made itself his friend Acting the hero Burning him to nothing in the end Come to grips, we said No more writing No more imagination The auras are not good He is not good! Laura is not good! Life life life is not good! You prey on a sick, young boy You are messing with a demon like me! I will tear you to shreds for the next flaw you set fire to! Believe me I will hide more under the timbers And I will crawl out Spewing perversity and hate And drag you in with me True colors will surround you I realize you have the power To kill my loved one I stake alone I hand the burning torch to you And with fire surrounding me I spit and hiss Take me Take me instead I know you want all And all live in me You cannot turn down my offer Become me And I will destroy me


Details | Free verse | |

The Window

Protected from life
Hidden from view
Alone in my room
With little to do.
I sit at my window
Safe from the world
Looking out at people
Going about in a swirl.

Whether a marriage or loved one
that has been lost,
Or maybe a business of which I was once boss,
Now all is gone and with nothing to do
I sit at my window
Safe from the world
And hidden from view. 

A world of hurt
Do I see
A retreat from life
is safer for me.

Like an animal hurt and 
withdrawing from life,
hiding from the world and all of its strife
I sit at my window
with nothing to do
Not willing to commit to the care of a few.

There was a time 
in this life I know
when I would come and I would go 
Now I hide away from it all
Not willing to venture out from this closed-in stall.

With nothing but a window
to the world that I see
hidden from sight 
and all who would love me.
A sad time is had
A lost life is bad
But my window is all that I allow to protect me.



Dedicated to all of the hurt and gentle people unable or unwilling to share their lives 
with others.


Details | Free verse | |

Black Shroud

I watch you sleeping,
shrouded by shadows
and I just want to curl up beside you,
 hold you forever...

If only I could,
I would take away all of your pain,
everything that has been causing it
and absorb it

How I wish it were that easy

I am not even that strong
but I still want to do that,
if I could...

Role reversal--
I suck at it.

You've protected me for so long,
guided me, taught me

and now,
when it seems that
it should be my turn
to do that for you,

I fail miserably.

I seem so powerless
to what we are against

Is it because I am not yet strong enough...
or because you are so strong?

God knows how life has dealt you with 
heavy, heavy blows
and yet you still stand.

Sometimes a bit frail,
yet your inner strength 
always carries you through

How I wish I can be like you.

That black veil is still there
as I watch you sleep

When will it be lifted?

I do not know.

I'm here, though
always will be






071320111144p1158


Details | Free verse | |

Parasitic Life Form

It‘s alive!
A life form 
Thriving on hatred
Reaped from societies
Greatest blunder 
Like lighting
Follows thunder  
We are following our ancestors 
Reproducing civilization   
Mistake 
Disregard the fact
That we are all human
our blood is red
I smirk when I’m contented 
And shed tears when I’m poignant
We are all equal
cease  this schism 
And trounce racism


Details | Free verse | |

The Never Ending Battle

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION

JS Lambert



Details | Free verse | |

Lost in the Black

I was lost from the ripple of disdain
gone to the ditch of black. 
Did I look first or was I searching for my disbarment?
Should I kick the rock to drag my way?

I don't hate myself for fighting.
I huddle in my sorrow.
Whilst in my courage.
I meant to tell myself that I'm quiet in my attempt.

I lift my shield not to protect my fear but my weakness.
I didn't know confusion could hit so hard.

This system of life ruins my expression.
Sinister in my way from the roads of my borders.
Fooled with my running toes whistling through the mud.

I can hear the North but I search for the South.
That scared green light pressing from my shame.
Shhhhh!!!!!! can you hear it?


Details | Free verse | |

Be There With You

I wanted to be there
For you. 
I wanted to tell you
You’d be fine, 
But that won’t do. 

I couldn’t be there
For you, 
I wasn’t able to tell you
You’d be fine. 
I don’t know what to do. 

I wanted to stay by your side,
Even when the last moment came. 
If I can’t live without you, 
Then I don’t want to live at all, 
Why can’t it be the same? 

I couldn’t be there by your side, 
Even when your last moment came, 
I can’t stand life without you, 
I don’t want to live at all, 
It seems I forgot that name. 

I wanted to be there, 
When you needed me. 
I don’t know if I, 
Can continue without you, 
I want you to be. 

I couldn’t be there, 
When you needed me. 
I can’t continue, 
Without you. 
I’ll see…
You… 
Soon…


Details | Free verse | |

Pearls

Nacreous trees
reach into goldenrod skies
autumn wheat hissing, envious!
Tassels of crown hang, lifeless.
Queen of a barren kingdom
where silver suns trek horizons, 
never in reach for the looking glass
to swallow, and reflect,
inside out.
Another sunrise sets
all as the pearl harvest eclipses behind,
the apple of her eye.


Details | Free verse | |

It Is I

It is I,
Only able to 
Sit before
The mischievous screen
Of the TV 
And watch
Palestine, my country,
Fall like a
Corpse
On cold land
	
It is I,
Deemed
To observe
The homes and 
Lives of my
Brothers and sisters
Turn into ashes
On an embellished LG
Flat-screen

It is I,
Spotting on the news
The olive trees of a
Palestinian fertile 
Field flame
Into barren barks 
Of nothingness

It is I,
Viewing the
Tanks and
Weaponed metal
Turn audacious 
Rock-throwers
Into heroic martyrs
While changing
Some channels  

It is I, 
My generous name is,
A Palestinian simply
Deprived of
Setting a foot into
Palestine.


Details | Free verse | |

A Military wifes nightmares

Trapped in total darkness. The chilling cold rips through my flesh, 
sending painful chills down my spin. My fear Isolates me in this Tomb of loneliness.
Ripping through my heart like a jagged duel bladed sword. My mind tormented
by your absence. I just can't seem to awaken from this nightmare.
When I open my eyes will you be home? Will this War ever end? 
This is my living hell! Life without you. An unsympathizing torchure that haunts
me day in and day out. Until you are back safely in my arms. How cruel
the mind can be. What if? Is he Okay. Lord save me from the demons that taunt 
my dreams. Bring my love back home to me.


Details | Free verse | |

Pandora's Box

Pandora's Box

The skies rip apart
Filling with a hot white fire
The winds blow both hot and cold
Burning and freezing
Birds are replaced by black dragons
Smoking cinders fall like rain
Covering the ground below
Burying people as they run
The ancient gods rise up from the ashes
Full of vengeance and hate
Desiring peace they fight for humanity
What has caused the world such pain?
Pandora's Box has been opened
Hope has died a violent death
The last chance was taken from man
Rains will wash away the ash
The sky will heal
Man will survive
He always has
The gods will return from whence they came
But Pandora's Box will remain empty
Devoid of all hope


Details | Free verse | |

Going insane

are you affraid of the dark ? 

if you look outside what do you see ? 
you'll see the sky's are blue ... the sun shining down on you 


Now close your eyes ... what do you hear ? 
do you hear the children laughing and crying ... 
the gunshots and the sirens ... 
breaking the silence ... 

does it bring you joy ... or do you start to fear 

now ... what do you feel ? 
can you feel the cold makes the hairs on your back 
stand up straight ... its like danger is near 
you drop a tear ... cuz you didn't see it coming 
the sorrow and the pain , its just too much to gain 
as for the world of today ...it just remains the same 
so nothing is new ... 
the violence & poverty still running the game 

and we can do nothing but sit back and watch 
how we all go insane


Details | Free verse | |

left alone

           
         
         Now I am left alone with tears ~

         with all shared may sadness cease
         the darkness of loss as fears increase
         your heart wants to hold on for hope
        

          losing the one expected never ready 
           going through acceptance you think
          until time stands still and life does cease 
       
           Now I am left alone with tears ~
            
          every thought now to late to speak
            all you thought you knew you didn't
          when death comes swift no real preparation

         How long will this hurt one can only wonder 
          The tears fall hard , the tears fall alone    
           saying goodbye forever your gone .
               
           
          

          


Details | Free verse | |

Empty

And when I learned that you died
How can I describe
The empty
Empty
Empty

You were my boxer in the night
Sparred with you 
About every aspect of
Life

My secret tonic
Made everything
Feel alright
Got me through it all
All the frustrations
Disappointments of 
Life

And when I learned that you died
How can I describe
The empty
Empty
Empty

We called each other friend
Even when
Our bodies came together
That single
Lunatic
Moment

That single 
Lunatic
Time

And it felt so 
Full
You made me feel
Full
How can I describe 
The full
Full
Full

My life was full
When you laughed
It felt so full even
When you 
Cried

The times I was mean

And my body left
Your body
After 
That single
Lunatic 
Time

And so we pretended 
We were just
Friends
In the end
We pretended
Then

And now you’re 
Gone

And I can barely speak
Or write 
I can barely write
A 
Single
Meaningful
Poetic
Word

And there’s a quiet room
In my mind
Where your laughter
Once
Played
My innocent child
Woman
Gone 
Away

How can I describe
The Empty
Empty 
Empty

How can I describe
The empty
Empty
Empty

How can I describe
The
Way
I
Feel?


Details | Free verse | |

Insecurity

It is a chronic disease
that eats away at my soul
as my weakened mind 
allows it to creep into the
crevices of my brain.
It destroys the skin 
on my hands and face,
picking at it until it bleeds,
leaving open sores
and patches of raw flesh 
that scab over
only to be torn open again.
It infiltrates my 
defense mechanisms,
distorting perception
until my sense of rationality
dangerously melts into
irrational territory.
I unknowingly cross over
into a place where my thoughts 
become mutated in the thick saturation
of insecurity,
and the contents of my brain
slowly begin to liquify.


Details | Free verse | |

ANXIETY

ANXIETY

My heart beats like thunder… I try
To stop the wonder in my mind
But the pictures replay
As if in rewind

Sweaty and unsteady are my hands… I try
Calming my emotion - thinking of the ocean
I’m drowned by the sound
Of the whiplash in my past

Its heavy and strangling me… I try
But I can’t breathe 
The pain is lingering in my chest
Like I’m in cardiac arrest

I want to cry… I try
But the tears won’t fall 
They’re held back - entrapped
By this ANXIETY ATTACK!

Lay






Details | Free verse | |

My rainy day

My rainy day

The day is weary with rain
 My heart is dreary in pain
  My mind is fickle
   My emotions change like the ripples…

Ripples of rain
 That pours down my window panes
  A gentle reminder of the pain that drains me…
   Of a life that may never be.

If only you see
 I could be that vision I once had of me…
  The one that reflects the specks of decency
   Dignity and a harmonious reality…

But when I look 
 Through the reflections…
  In the collections of memories
   Nothing is clear you see…
 
My visions are murky and dirty
 And full of indecency.
   I pray for more time…
    I wish I could rewind…
     To the days where my sun
      Would forever shine…

Lay


Details | Free verse | |

I Will Not Understand

The ocean sparkles
in the morning light.
We sip hot coffee;
you cough, turn your head.
Eyes say more than words.
Ties connecting us
dissipate in sunshine.
Waves which wash ashore,
this white-flecked water,
underscore your silence.
Last night, in humid darkness,
velvet-feeling black, we joined --
made pacts that daylight violates.
I will not understand your shame.
You will not see my heart-hurt face,
nor will you long remember
my already half-forgotten name.


Details | Free verse | |

Our Rival

The world is our rival
Jealous of our ways
Slowly corrupting the mind
Drawing out the suffering
With venomous tricks

Until we lie in the gutters of society
With wounds of doubt and self loathing
Severed pride spills lies
Hidden as truth

As we grasp for something real
We find only a gun
A single round stalks its chamber
And beckons to us
The temptation all too great

Without a second thought
The pain subsides
Replaced with emptiness

The world takes the lead again
Sheaths its poisoned blade
Looks back at the corpse-strewn track
And frowns in confusion

It wonders if it played a part
But shrugs, sympathizes 
And continues on its path


Details | Free verse | |

Powerless



                                             This rain is coming,
                                             In our life,
                                             As winds blow it forward,
                                             no more strife,
                                             So powerless to fight,
                                             in all it's fury,
                                             In all that we know,
                                             never a worry,
                                             For within is our love,
                                             in all it's fullness,
                                             Our rain of love,
                                             in all it's goodness.






                                     created by johnaarongreen


Details | Free verse | |

Falling

Falling down, down, down,  
Hopes and dreams are like leaves of a tree
And they crash into the ground
And no one says a thing 
Because the impact won’t make a sound

It’s the society that we live in
The world that we’ve chose 
Where things that are silent 
Are pushed to the side
And cleared out for the ones 
On a smooth and calm ride

What we need to do
What we should be doing
Is picking those “leaves” up off of the ground
And building a new tree

Give them a way, 
Give them the chance, 
To start a new life
And learn how to dance

Catch them before they crash,
And comfort them to health
This is the start
Of a forest of wealth

Where the leaves
And the hopes and dreams
Are working together 

Walk through that forest
And you’ll step on clean, 
Green
Grass.
Not a leaf in sight
Will alter your path

And should one begin to droop, 
It will be held up 
by the rest. 


Details | Free verse | |

Porn No More

I've watched the war from behind closed doors;
Eyes too glued to close.
And now knowing what's in store, there's porn no more.
God's love is the only hope we know.
We are forgiven because of the love that is Jesus.
We are saved because of the love that is Jesus.
We give our lives to the Father for we are His children and He loves us.
We are loved!
No matter what we've done, we are loved!
Confess and ask for forgiveness;
This is such a beautiful gift!
Thank You God!
Thank You Jesus!
You forgive me!
You save me!
You change me!
I am changed!
I am new!
I am renewed!
I am forgiven!
I am saved!
I am changed!
There's porn no more
For God's hope is in store!
There's porn no more
For God's love is the hope of the world!


Details | Free verse | |

Arjuna

My mind is dark with the thoughts of doom
Shadows of death and miseries loom
I wish I could try and fight
The stench of death and darkness of night

Many thoughts bewilder my soul
My heart bleeds through a jagged hole
Why do I have to kill to live?
Why don’t I have happiness to give?

My heart screams for an explanation
My soul cries for salvation
Why is my hand smeared in blood?
Why is everyone around me dead?

I walk through the graveyard of people I killed
Was this the death that god willed
Why was I the harbinger of death?
Why was it me who laid them to rest?

I live a life that I rather not dare
My nights are an endless nightmare
Why can’t I be released from this living hell?
Why don’t I have someone to tell?

Will I ever escape? Will I ever be free?
Will I ever be pardoned? Will my life ever be merry?
All I ask my God is sanity
All I need from me is humanity

I have killed to live, I have lived to kill
Done acts I am not proud of
Will I ever have peace to gain?
Or will I need death to live again

Tell me lord; am I not your child?
Weren’t they too, because of me who died?
Was it my fault that I had a gun?
Why didn’t I have a place to run?

Questions in my mind abound
My dreams come back at night to hound
My only release I know is death
I hope it comes soon and me it gets

When death smiles at me with all its charms
I will lie with glee in its waiting arms
Then for sure my soul will be free
And those of the people murdered by me.


Details | Free verse | |

A Granddaughter's Pain

That horrible day she heard those words.
The cawing of those dreadful birds.
The pain in her chest found its way to her eyes.
Her breath came out in only short sighs.
Her sister there to hold her hand,
Trying to be strong for the both of them.
The day had come, they knew it would.
But faster than it probably should.
They made as much noise as they possibly could.
Anything to  keep away the silence of death,
And as the tears kept falling, 
they did their best,
To try and forget this disastrous mess.
But as hard as they denied it, 
they knew it was true.
He was gone from this world, 
wasn’t meant for it too.
The last words he spoke, 
were held to be true.
“ when all the feelings had been felt,
And all the tears shed.
Let the acceptance begin.”
They echoed again and again.


Details | Free verse | |

The deterioration of distant deities In a vicious solvent

What do you need?
Loneliness
Behind your heart’s curtain
Standing defiant
Kneeling slowly
Flowers of hope
We have sowed in flesh
Withering
Under narcissistic necessity
In An atmosphere 
Made for self protection
Clouds consisting of consciousness
Evaporating 
Lost like empathy

Apocalyptic accusations
Fingers of fate
pointed
Producing
Stressful souls
Sharp words
Rip and tear
All meaning
That lives
When your eyes open


Let me burrow 
To secrets
Held so close
Gasping for your breath
And dying for your life
Let me in


Details | Free verse | |

SIGN OF THE END

We are living in a world 
things are so hard to deal with.
Wars,calamities,deaths...
unexpected tragedies we meet.
Don't you feel,
don't you care to ask?
Is it still normal,
what tomorrow will lead us.
People are killing people,
Nature causes big distress.
Pandemic diseases,
Abnormal weathers.
what is the future about to bring?
Prayers and faith,
is the only thing that's left.
To endure the sorrow,
save our soul from a boiling sulfur.
sizzling in the depth of core.
I hope its not yet late,
to bring back our love and faith.
May we find the way to life.
Before the ending has arrived.


Details | Free verse | |

Liquid Handcuffs

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION

JSLambert


Details | Free verse | |

Sitting Alone

Sitting alone here,
all by myself,
looking at a reflection that I do not recall.
I see a face looking back at me,
a twin,
but not my twin,
no I see a pale face,
I see jealously, pain, sorrow, and a frown
I see all the negative.
I see fear,
I see nothing.

I am sitting alone,
in my room
white walls surround me.
I hear the trains blow their horns off in the distance,
and the cars and trucks roaring down the lonesome highways.
I can even the crying and wailing of sirens
blazing down the avenues,
"Where is the fire, folks!?"

The wind blows through my window,
moving the blinds back and forth,
and I sit there alone,
smiling and singing a little.
Sitting there alone,
peaceful and tired
wanting to rest my head,
but scared too face the nightmares.
Too hear the voices of the dead
call out my name.
And I sit there alone
thinking of what once was,
beauty and harmony nomore
in my trial of certainty.


Details | Free verse | |

Jobless

You are now an outsider
No longer part of the mechanism
Not needed, surplus to requirement, redundant
Your mind slowly blunting at the bottom of the bottom drawer of life

The eyes of others betray derision and contempt
Fearful of catching your disease
Keeping a distance, loathing your weakness and inability
A moment of pseudo sympathy and they’re gone, you’re of no further use to them   

Every rejection is an undeniable confirmation of your failure
Affirmation is everywhere; you just never saw it before now
Self-confidence, ground down with every counter-opinion to yours
Your worth is worthless and your prospects worth less than that

Pride declines charity yet you wish they’d persist
Dismissal and a cynical laugh is your antidote to their wise advice
Don’t you think I have thought of that? Or tried this? You say
Embarrassment at your own ineptitude has become hostility

Your child's face is a gallery of unconscious naivety
You draw her in close, a surrogate for decent food and warmth
Inwardly you cry for her and, perhaps, more for you at your inability to provide
You’re not sure how or when it will end but certainly...it will end

Slowly, yet quite perceptibly, you have become the person you once scorned
You now comprehend the reason for their shabby appearance 
You realise that hesitance isn’t stupidity but a fear of making a wrong impression
You can now walk a mile in another man’s shoes…until they wear out


Details | Free verse | |

You came like the rain

The dead leaves were sparkled;

the splash of rain colored with life.

My barren heart found an immigrant's 
Love,

a sea of desire ruffled with inspiration.

My hands reached for eternity

years of isolation was broken.

Life's meaning was fulfilled.

You came like the Rain

with utmost joy I welcomed You

showered you with all my truism.

But desert is a place for cactus,

love bleeds in my heart.

Heathen Heart and  Heathen soul

they said, 'It was  a storm'...

Redfiery @ 2012,


Details | Free verse | |

Reaching Out

 
my mind feels cornered again
every thought has me hanging
on sanity's edge

i reach for you
this ringing in my head
offers little hope
as it echoes
through the phone

a momentary pause
before the pre-recorded voice
the usual message after the tone
as the tone of mood changes

i can feel my emotions
fall like shadows
on lonely walls

my air is heavy
like these blades
that press
steel force
against my flesh

a drop of blood 
trickles down
pulsating 
to the tune 
of my heart's beat

darkness draws its line
between life and death
and feeds my thoughts

death dances at my door
and i can feel its cold press
as it cuts through me again
like a blade's edge
steel-force


my version of the poem
Leave a message after the beep
 by Just That Archaic Poet


Details | Free verse | |

Berkeley Politics

The pennies from my pocket
Fall
And turn into the ash in
The cracks along some sidewalk
I have never walked on

In daylight I reflect upon the disappearance
And count on cut out fingers
All the days I spent looking for the copper bits
But
Sometimes when the moon in the mind
Reflects some of the darkness
I only shed light
On the depression of their absence

The reason I am looking
For these few and far pieces
Is to pay the price
Of another man’s ruined glory

To pay the hobo
Leaning on the corner streetlight
He was once the politician
Hoping for change


Details | Free verse | |

INNER CITY - old neighborhood today

INNER CITY – old neighborhood today

Not at all what it was
Not yet what it must become
Voices once so dear    drowned out
      by decadent color
Noise so disgustingly near
Sit and think longingly on old neighborhood
Shrug
Shed a tear


Details | Free verse | |

Somber Tears

As the sun sets
and the twilight comes out,
as the birds and squrriels are no where in sight.

As the whores and pimps sit on street corners,
waiting for street lights to turn from green to red.
As cadillacs stop and roll their windows down.

I can her the faint cry deep in the darkness,
of dirty gutters and dark, dead end alleyways,
I hear the faint tears fall and hit concrete pavement.

I feel the faint cries of whores,
I hear the sound of backhand hitting face
and brused tissue and broken noses are everywhere.

And the somber tears fall onto pillow cases,
and white motel bedsheets run red with blood
and cheap Italian wine.

And you can her the poet over the radio,
reading his own work for the one millionth time
and you can hear his soul slowly wanting to die.

He drowns himself in smoke and alcohol
the whore takes her pay, or spends a night in a jail cell,
the pimp nowhere to be found,
with a shiny blade stuck deep in his gut.

And the somber tears fall gently on the concrete pavement,
the floors of a jail cell,
tears on the pillow case and tears on a lonesome stage.

Tears never present, but are seen by many,
pain aches and pain takes away,
and I pour one more drink for the whore.

She takes me away,
and I caught her salty, somber tear,
and she crawled into my warm embrace.

I was the one who stuck the blade in the gut of that pimp,
who broke her nose and made her bleed,
with a cowardess and souless backhand.

I walk into the moonlight,
hearing the somber tears all around me,
crash violently to the concrete pavement.

The Earth rumbles and erupts with these tears,
that are shead for fellow Men, and Women and Children,
but we all look at ourselves and smile.

Happy we don't pay rent,
happy we don't have cancer,
happy we aren't six feet under;

But we still all cry,
Why?
Somber tears all fall in one big wave

crashing violently on the concrete pavement.
Now the red light turns green,
and the traffic moves along,
the whore is still at her corner,
the pimp still with the blade in his gut.


Details | Free verse | |

Just 14 Years Old

Just 14 years old Ripe and ready to mold Searching for love She was unaware She was never told Her story I will unfold… Scarred and out of control Fragile and naïve, yet bold She believed all the lies he sold On her finger he placed gold He promised her love More than she could ever dream of… Guidance she lacks Violence and pain she attracts He stopped her dead in her tracks Her body he attacked Her heart he cracked Her face he smacked Her eyes he blacked Her mind he whacked Her life he trapped… Just 14 years old She grew cold She could not be consoled Her future untold… Lay


Details | Free verse | |

Depression

Depression

3 o’clock in the morning…
The sounds of bed frames hitting drywall,
The sounds of Chopin and Coltrane played
With a hint of sadness in tone.
Sounds of whores and pimps arguing;
“Where is the money, you whore?!”
“I don’t have the money!”
A sound of a slap to the face
A big hand crushing bone,
Blood everywhere
Red streaks on white walls.
The sound of drunks walking gloomy streets,
Police and ambulance rush down burned out streets
Sirens wailing, crying out!

A child, six years old
Crying, “Momma! Momma!”
Shedding tears over his dying mother, lost her soul to the
Crack pipe.
Rest In Peace.
A sound of a .357 magnum revolver click
And a gunshot shakes the nerves of many,
And for a moment the sweet and peaceful silence.

“Dispatch, suicide on 46th street Hollywood Boulevard, Send the Corner. Over.”
Then the darkness sails over
And the entire cities are showered with tears from the heavens,
But no one weeps,
Not a single soul…

-10/2/13-


Details | Free verse | |

SICK

I’ve stared in the heart of depression
As emptiness infected me like virus
Choked for years behind a smile,
I have never known factual

Frightened to be called weak
I die inside, but with smile
Thus graduating in art of falsehood
As even I these smirks fool

I’d imagine my inevitable tangible ending 
How little it would be of significance
As my cold soul roved ghostly
Purposeless, lost and dead

Bliss drained from my very core
And mornings appear hopeless
Filled with finite rays of distress 
As the only shade seemed to be death

I walk with pockets rich with smiles
But nobody knew what’s inside
And as the moon salutes night,
This sickness circle’s my head


Details | Free verse | |

Romeo and Juliet (Our Story)Pt 1

Heavens smiled upon my being
at the tender age of ten and four years,
For the elation her beauty projected
through my blind eyes reborn sight,
Thus by such a miracle the eyes of mine
decreed that she and she alone was beauty,
For within her smile, upon her lips, and
more so within her soul, she declared me,
and me alone to hence forth be invited to
dwell in her heart by the name of Romeo,

Our affair, though innocent, became fueled
 with the intense desire of a hell flame, yet,
was equated with the youth and innocence of
a rosebud, and as a rosebud, bloomed to display
the enchantingly enticing emotion of love,
Creating scenes of romance that neither Shakespeare
nor any other poet could express with diction,
Thus, as I write of reminiscence, with words
that woo my will of wonder, despite the beauty
within such words, I degrade by virtue of degrading,
the true scenes of romance born between 
myself and my love within those moments

Thus the scene remained as such, until that day,
That wretched, unbearably cruel day of reality,
in which my Juliet was forced to depart from
the shelter of my affection, by the will of the parents
that created her for me, moved to a new life, a better life,
for new work and more gold, miles and miles and miles
away from the comfort of a love perfect by definition,
Bidding farewell broke my spirits, my heart, but never
my emotion and affection for my fair Juliet, thus I declared,
forever and forever and forever again I shall remain her Romeo,


Details | Free verse | |

What lies beneath

Linger through the moonlit night
Wear the mask and cease to exist
A face within a swirl of mist
extend my arm and turn my fist
Red rivers flowing through my veins
Yawls for an exit to freedom
Scratching the inner of my skin

The colors of my face drain
By the shrill of trees dwelling within the mist 
Howls of wind stirs the soul with its every spin 

Eyes rolling everywhere with fake smiles and perfection covering their every inch
Lots of copies rule over this world 
A cry of agony screamed my soul 
A yearn for this play to end

A dream of truth
Cast upon the mind
Try to reach a point where every thought is a positive
Until the day we crash
Hoping for a lie to hide our very soul
A simple three words
Everything is okay!
There lies the process that kills us all
Through our soul it winds and steal our mind

Mighty echoes of silent cries 
Rushes through the nights darkness and bitter silence
With the melody of horror
Down on my knees 
With tears flowing with red rivers 
I wailed in pain
I wail in pity
My reflection is my enemy



Details | Free verse | |

Closets of Our Lives

Dark shadows drift against a wall deep gloom penetrates the prisons of our souls things that live from a darkened past dominate lives that have surrendered with continually downcast eyes keeping us locked in the closets of our lives. Locked in a perpetual state of the past prisoners of tear-stained days and continuing nights of gloom not allowing a light to break into our hidden rooms lost souls surrendered to a darkened past keeping us locked in the closets of our lives. Walking through the shadows of today memories of heartache of yesterday weigh heavily on us each passing day keeping us locked in the closets of our lives. Living with the trials of our lives bitter tears streaming down pale cheeks not able to walk in the light of day keeping us chained to the wall of the closets of our lives Clenched fists pound on locked doors screams for help go unheard bitter tears stream from blood-shot eyes keeping us locked in the closets of our lives The turn of a key is faintly heard the call of a voice softly through the door brings signs of faint rays of light as someone opens the closets of our lives. A day of hope has arrived help comes at long, long last as a smiling face is seen in the bright of the day freeing us from the closets of our lives. Dedicated to all of those individuals who feel trapped in the darkness of their lives, and to all of those persons who aid in unlocking the Closets of Their Lives.


Details | Free verse | |

Brain Surgery with a Pen

So I tried to laugh it off, told myself that it was fine
The blood stains on the ground help me feel alive
I look to you to end the nightmare with a happy dream
Before you made it, I fell to pieces, and I lost everything.
I don't know what hurts the most-
Knife in side or stone in throat,
All I know is that this room won't quit spinning.

I wake in blood
I wake in sweat
Is this my life?
Who's in my head?
I woke up bleeding
Tears from my eyes
I said I'm sorry
For using my life.

Wake me up blackness darkness.
Let me fester inside my mind.
Let this cancer grow to completion.
Put a choke-hold on the heart.
I can't lie that the knife went deep,
My pen cut deeper...


Details | Free verse | |

Seeking Serenity

Today was both beautifully pleasant and awfully disappointing. I met a friend, and lost a friend. The sad thing in this, the friend I lost and met was the same person.
This dreadful sensation drools over me, am I that repulsive? Am I that bad in first impressions?
How is it? I am bad.. How is it? I am hated by many and by each and every person I meet. Why is it; I am hated? My intentions were always pure, my smile was always kind, my remarks and chats were always friendly. 
Then what is it that I did? That was so dreadful. What is it that I will do? To erase it? What is it that you ask of me? 
This heart of mine has gone astray. Those voices in mind have gone with no sound.
Those eyes have gone blind. To a path, to any path, they no longer see right or wrong.
Why is it; this my fate? What can possibly repay? All those odious, intolerable memories and days of mine? 
I have lived, this loathsome life of mine, with no reason, with no goals, with no dreams, sturdy patience did I own, did I so longingly lose.
I look up to the sky with tired, impassive eyes. I have waited, I have stood. But when? And where? Will I have friends much as sincere, much as comforting, much as everlasting.
I listen to the same track over and over again, with deep feelings of weariness and fatigue oozing from me; same questions, same wonders, and the same unanswered calls. 
These days, they drain me and consume me, I have nothing left, maybe its time to give up, to truly surrender. There’s nothing left and nothing will ever be the same, I want to rest now, liberate myself from all these feelings, and emotions, I wanna find peace once and for all, whether it is on this expiring earth or eternal heavens. 
 


Details | Free verse | |

Sister, You're Remarkable

You’re truly unbeatable…
I’m so tired of living in fear
You’re remarkable…
And yet…I feel the total opposite…I wish hope would draw near…

You’re truly irreplaceable…
It’s so hectic outside…
You’re very vigilant and I’m very irritable
My eyes are sweating…I’m a coward by your side

You can call it jealousy
You can call me horrid names
You can call it envy
But, I look up to you… because you’re a better writer than I
Laura, promise me you’ll be by my side
I love you…though it feels like hope has dried
Don’t crumble me up…consider my voice…
I trust you…you’re like a best friend…but it’s your choice…
To leave me behind…
I know…it seems that I’m blind…
I’m greedy and your beauty shines on
Your writings amaze me…you are a lot of fun

You’re truly amazing
I’m, on the other hand, not a good enough poet
You’re so fascinating
And yet…I feel that we’re not on the same boat…and I know it…
And that’s not all of it…

You’re truly a genius
It’s so cold outside…I’m freezing out here
You’re very nice and full of greatness
My heart is beating profoundly…I’m a loner, wandering away in fear

You can call it jealousy…you can say that I’m weak 
But, I respect you, Laura…I love you immensely 
I love my whole family…they fill my heart with glee, not bleak 
I don’t envy you…I appreciate your sympathy 
Towards me


Details | Free verse | |

nameless love

Why are you still mysterious behind transparent lenses, or 
Am I just shivered by my own reflection
Cornered searching beyond the top of your head
a puzzle of ambiguity focused on text.. 
Vibrate your phone into silent pieces paused as broken starlight…  I hope

Who are you a silent page turner or one who blinds with pine smoke.
I want to know, glass stem eyes or un ashed embers??
Here’s to hoping you aren’t sane..
Cause halting my casket is impossible  
You can have my sharp lines of passion and dissonance of thought.  
Assumed the unlight alley way squeezed all my heart, until you froze water in my 
hand.  

I already bartered my mother’s sleep for a double sealed bag no unbroken veins 
left  
Forever committed to loneliness owning me
Punishment for tiptoeing in the dark seeking blank checks.   
I guess I don’t deserve to get past the middle part in you..
Forced to rerun moments in the cafeteria.  
This is why I push experience onto paper
I’ve already lost to a bloated stomach and burnt lips 
All before I even know your  name.  


Details | Free verse | |

Never So Gracious

A full moon night to my delight what is so wrong with doing what's right nothing is right after so long no use in complaining time to move on The Dream Water one day might take me away farther from the comfort of familiarity I float on my back then shut my eyes my body now sinking into ocean arms open wide Now swallow your son back to his nature when he is no longer needed to stay here the next generation are dooming themselves they need my experience to guide them through hell Why should I bother on my own, I strive through I turn my back on the thought of bothering to save you alone in this world my, is it spacious I'm finally smiling, never so gracious.


Details | Free verse | |

An Empty Tissue Box

The office is open and the day will be full
My first client's here

Sunny cried tears of grief for her 
Sister (cancer)
Rose wants to take pills (suicidal)
Louise, once so competent
Cannot work (depressed)
David's barely hanging in
Goes to hospital (depressed)
Robert cannot teach (also depressed)
What can he do?
What can any of them do?
I have no answers
The wounded keep walking 
Among us

A tough ordeal, I reach for a tissue
But all I find
Is
An Empty Tissue Box

April 14th, 2013


Details | Free verse | |

Hear Me

Hear me.
Please listen.
My little squeaks mean something.
Help me.
I can’t.
This pain is molesting my spirit.
Is it
worth it?
Should I leave everything behind and just “poof” away?
Please try to
Help me.
My physical appearance is starting to fatigue.
Save me.


Details | Free verse | |

Addict

Screaming, ranting, raving
When the world didn't do it your way,
Your anger so violent
I feared for your heart;
A blood vessel, like a fuse
That's all it takes
Blown and you 're out
Forever.
You threatened so often
That it would make us happy
If you died.
No! No! No!
That's not the way
It's supposed to be.
We love you then and now.
We wanted for you
The help you so desperately needed
And we couldn't give
Or get for you.
You  have to ask for yourself.
Yet, you would not, could not ask;
It would not be manly
To show such 'weakness".
Now, we say,
If only, if only,
If only, what?


Details | Free verse | |

Thoughtless

Starry nights remind me of 
those time 
we stay up all night 
waiting for shooting stars 
to weave our dreams with, 
those times when your love 
is unceasingly flowing 
like the river 
and that 
holding hands seem 
the only thing that matters 
in this world, 
those were 
perfect moments I 
thought would last 
but then 
Van Gogh must be right 
to paint the stars with 
shades of blue and gray 
for you have left me 
with tears 
and broken promises 
and I will forever wonder 
if wishes 
under shooting stars 
do really come true.


Details | Free verse | |

What Do You Do

What do you do when you don't want to give up But it feels like the world stopped trying And your happiness is somewhere else And you just can't seem to stop crying What do you do when you've lost your way And you don't know what's wrong and right And you don't want to hurt anyone But you feel it's worth the fight What do you do when your heart is breaking And you've felt no pain like this before And you know that only pain he offers Yet you come begging back for more


Details | Free verse | |

Bleeded Out

More things can happen or could have happened,
From a cold metal,
Sharpened in fine fettle,
Making skin nettled,
Damaging the mettles,
To keep minds unsettled,
Provoking to ask, if this is or if this was real or mental?

Blade on arms,
Skin might be harmed;
Skin was gashed,
Blade grinding and gnashed,
Red colors coming in a flash...

Blade on gut,
Feeling a sudden jut,
Provoked as a rut,
But, this was a guff...

Blade on neck,
Thinking about a sudden sweep,
Discord trying to overcome conviction and peace,
Even though, the blade failed again,
Failing to provoke the red gushes and streams...

Blade on heart,
Might be the last battle so far,
Trying to not give in, being so hard,
Though in the past, there could have been to many cuts,
And more deadly slashes,
Creating red splashes and plashes,
As I slowly might have fought, winning or losing,
Against the sleeping and life flashing feeling,
As I bleeded out..


Details | Free verse | |

September Weather

Ah, the september weather is here,
the trees turn firery red and orange,
and the leaves gently fall to the surface.

Fall is here,
and the grass turns from green to yellow,
the souls of many change their ways.

From going on beaches in sun
to walking on wet streets,
with jackets on.

September weather is here,
too most it is depressing to see,
such change in the world.

But I love it.
The girlfriends and boyfriends go away,
and that makes me happy.
Then I go apple picking.

I pick red apples,
from low, hanging apple trees.
and I eat one, while walking down the trail.

Fall is here,
the time of death,
the last of sunshine.

I don't argue,
I love fall,
it is so cosy and it gives me hope.

Hope that a day will come again,
when the sun pops its head out
and the warmth returns.

September weather is the best,
when summer is gone, but not quite,
and the cool breeze sweaps through your open windowpane.

I love fall,
it gives me hope,
that with death comes life.


Details | Free verse | |

Offended

Offended 
is ignorance
a lack of understanding
silence 
is not for everyone

humans speak
and do things 
different than you
or your faction
true 
or untrue
or stretch truth

what's the worry?
stressing 
over someone else's beliefs 
takes you away 
from your own routine

offended 
is a waste of energy
needed for nothing
causing dangerous sparks
within one's mind
one's heart
one's soul
becomes contaminated
with preoccupations

vengeance breeds furious
often unexpected actions
of ill-will occur 
or changes for the worse 
creep 
in the shadows of good
growing
taking over
"spiritual kudzoo"
none could tame

extinguish your dealings
with petty rage
of another imperfect being's mouth
cancer vanishes easier
with early detection
MOVE ON!
or at least learn
from your polar opposite 


Details | Free verse | |

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I AM NOT SAYING

Don`t be fooled by the face i wear,for i wear a thousand masks and none of them are me.Don`t be fooled, for god sake don`t be fooled I give the impression that im secure,that confidence is my name and coolness is my game,and i need nobody,but don`t believe me. Beneath dwells the real me, in confusion,fear and loneliness that`s why i hide behind of this mask i`ve created,to shield me from the glance that knows,but such a glance is my salvation,that it is followed by salvation, it is followed by loveIt`s the only thing that can liberate me from my own prison walls. I`m afraid that deep down i`m nothing and no good and you will reject me. And so begins the parade of masks,i idly chatter to and tell you everything that means nothing,and nothing that is everything that is is crying within me,so please listen carefully as i try to hear what i`m not saying. I want to be genuine spontanious and me but you please help me,hold out your hand. Each time you are understanding, kind and gentle, the harsher i strike back. My heart grows very feeble wings. Your sensitivity, empathy and power of understanding you alone can release me from my self built wall and lies my only hope. Beat down these walls with firm hands,but gentle for a child who is sensitive.I`m someone you know well, for i am every man you meet, i am every woman too... I AM ALSO YOU.
Paul Beadnall. Sponsor Tracie ~*~ A solitary sonnetist Contest Name Everyone knows, anything goes... . This shone light back into my days.. I read this when i was in a torrid time in a mental hosptal ( unknown author)


Details | Free verse | |

Dark Wonderland

Falling down the rabbit hole,
tumbling, twisting, uncontrolled.
Regret filled voices fill the void,
each one calling out my name.
Caught in fractured dreams,
reflections of my true self haunt me.
Blood red shards fill the air,
no love remains here.
Bitter pieces of a broken mind,
seeking out my personal truth.
Step through the shattered mirror with me,
and see this unreality.


Details | Free verse | |

Precipice of Tme

Stand I here upon the Precipice of Time
between madness and derangement-
In a grief so profound
ambiance of rage,
with darkening clouds abound
marring my every breath
Declaration to  your joy unsound.

Yet- from this stance
I envision you, my perfect
seraphim of light-
aching for you 
Ceaselessly grasping for that which
I have no chance.
Grasping – bent in half 
weeping-
My corrupt nature defies
All I hold sacred and true-

You need know 
My soul rages in disparity-
Immortally, hourly, minutely, secondly…
ETERNALLY-
I cry.
The Dragon’s shadow awaits me.

Shapes, wraithlike and laughing-
clawing… dragging…shadows
eerily baffling.
Veiled obscurity- most refuse to see
This sickening reality
Tis only righteous- to set you free…
Paled I am by another’s word- 
his creed, I  allowed this blasphemy 
Unable, enable, culpable-
Guilty, frailty, unreality, liable.
Covet, yearn, anticipation- keen ambition
overshadows  any austere regulation-

We two do stand upon this Precipice of time
My love stands as most depraved of crimes-
Stolen and deceived- Options extinct
Surrender is an unnatural ailment for me.



- dedicated to my Seraphim


Details | Free verse | |

Dead Winter

innocent years, childhood dreams left behind in verdant fields I once traversed summertime, in my prime seaside picnics and surfboard rides all have vanished now before me lay the dark woods where creatures struggle for survival colors of fall fade in memories for this is the winter of my life thrashing through vicious vines blood stains the pristine snow beneath my feet each day the challenges loom larger insurmountable obstacles animals tearing at my flesh stones embed in my knees when I fall hearing winds that howl, screaming at me words that echo in my soul “Repent, make haste, seek forgiveness” as through the forest my shaky legs move forward dried limbs, weak branches foretell the destiny that awaits frosty fate consumes all hope as I fall face down on the frozen stream finally reaching the end of life’s winter days
*Entry for Sidney LeeAnn’s “Dead Winter” contest By Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Free verse | |

The IRONY of my DREAM

I can see the dream I'm dreaming
It's so beautiful, so alleviating
It's the alliteration of everything compelling
It's an epitome of petulant imaging

It's me metamorphosing into greatness
Bearing the trophy of poetry highness
I can feel the gaiety on my success
And the scenery of  my upliftment

But it's only a dream, not reality
It's just a film in  my head, not an actuality
It's the absolute notion of melancholy
The maestro of maudlin deformity

It's a prototype of an implicit onerous display
A melodrama that reclines on a fairy tale
The model of an unswerving galling replay
Like a pungent smell, unwanted but makes it's way

I can't triumph over over-lords of the pen
I can't defeat the dominating combatants of content
I can't outsmart the ten over tens
I just can't win this contest

But I CAN do one thing
Dream of  my WIN


Details | Free verse | |

MAMA, YOU SKIPPED A PART

Mama you missed a part….
You never told me;
You groomed me mama.
You taught me to walk and talk like a lady:
And that I did.
But Mama you forgot, 
Mama you skipped a part.

Mama, through your eyes;
I saw myself accomplished
A willed woman ready and mastered to conquer the world:
You groomed me to love the ones in my life
And I will receive the best in turn.
And that I did
But mama your words were of short.
Mama you skipped a part.

Mama, you told me…..
You told me to be of a strong heart.
To get up where men had stomped me down;
And Mama I did
I got up and fought when I was weak.
But Mama my strength is now void.
Mama you skipped a part.

Mama, you told me to guard my principles’…
I did, but Mama why can a man be so cruel.
Mama I guarded myself;
But with one flick of a page; 
I was robbed.
I was robbed by a man whose woes perceived my doom.
Mama you forgot ;
Mama, you skipped a part.

Mama, you told me to love myself.
I did, but how do I do so now.
When my feathers have been plucked right up to the stem;
Mama I can never fly again with a broken wing.
Mama I can never have a stride like that of a queen.
Mama, you forgot.
Mama you skipped a part.

Mama, I am a broken angel.
Mama, I am now incomplete.
Mama, I am now walking with a crooked heel.
Mama, I cannot conquer the world anymore.
Mama, you skipped a part.

Mama, how do I unveil myself from the shame of being devoured?
Devoured by a man I know not.
But a man whose barbarism I will remember for the rest of my days.
Mama, you forgot to tell me there would be such
Mama, it slipped your mind to inform me how to deal with it.
Mam, you did not,
You did not teach me to get up form such demeanoring savageness.
Mama being raped, Mama deflowered. 
Mama where did I go wrong...???
Mama you forgot.
Mama, you skipped a part...........





Details | Free verse | |

When a Dream Ends and the Nightmare Begins

Walking upon shards of broken glass
with every faltering step I take
Travelling through life at haste
with no compass
steering  wheel or brake.

Trying to unravel a mass of tangled knots
Laying in life's gutter wounded
trying to liberate myself
from the putrid stench of obscurity
and not be forgot.

Mind full of unwanted clutter
swirling like a tempest
around and around
Life's din perpetrating the ear drums
with excruciating loud perpetual
grinding sound.

Lost in the harsh wilderness
battered by the wind
No one knows the things I've seen
or the places I have been.

Tied to the rocks
lashed and broken by the waves
cursed at birth
wake up from a dream 
and another nightmare
another battle to face today.


Details | Free verse | |

Shackles

SHACKLES

The loneliness wraps around me
Shackles me with its weight
My blood runs cold within me
I fight to stay afloat
The black dark clouds, they chase me
And try to take my soul
The tears flow freely from me
And I feel I lose control

In all the worlds emotions
This is the hardest one
For me to shake each morning
When I feel I want be done
The hours of night do leave me
And early morning calls
Memories they do haunt me
And my world sits still for all

The being that is in me
Is crying to be found
The feelings of denial
They hang onto their ground
The snakes of darkness strike me
And fill me with their fire
Their poison seeps within me
And makes my body cry

The sun outside is sleeping
In my half of the world
And deep within me stays there
I never hear it call.
One day Ill go and find it
Wherever it may be
In this world or the next one
Ill feel it shine on me

The emotions that are in me
They rage and ramp and fall
They crush my being beneath me
And never know your call
That dark black hole is yonder
Is lonely just like me
We may find  peace together
And earth can blanket me

Oh god, this lonely rotten heart
It feels intensively
So much pain it harbours there
Why can’t I just be free
I want to be away from here
And step outside of me
If only that were possible
Just like a break at sea

Its alright now, I’m calming
I know what this does mean
I know that deep inside of me
I’ve lived a thousand beings
Another life, if I should leave
Is just another dream
Another wasted life to me
To live emotionally. 


Details | Free verse | |

The Man With No Face

Hark!  It is he!
A slate face; devoid!
Mechanical, computing, sleepless.

No! Just human!
Turning, just turning!
He will not fall, now expressionless.

The dark gazeth!
Yet, he wont gaze back!
Four days, sleepless, faceless, for all!

His face is stone.
No care, there's no care!
Persist amidst all of the loss.

It is but he!
No! Tireless;
designed to be.
It is but he!

Shrug the abyss,
he will nev'r fail;
a perfection, 
designed to be. 
Shrug the abyss.

Through it all,
he leaveth none for all!
To see the end of it all,
the completion of it all!
None but all.

Four days sleepless,
it is none but he!
Faceless, breathless, mechanized.

Look! See him now!
With bags under eyes.
See him now, the man with no face.

It is he,
Be it so! Be it so!
To see the end of it;
the destruction of it all!
It is he.


Details | Free verse | |

Doctor Jeckyll Died No One Cried

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Or just a rumored hypocrite inside…
He went to church and paid a tithe.
But that was just part of his very good side.
Who would have thought that a man like him,
A man of considerable standing,
Would make his own children his sexual toys.
Not just the girls, but also his boys.
They all grew up with mental pain
Two of his boys committed suicide.
How did he do it?
Why did no one tell?
Why did they live that horrible hell?
Emotions and heartaches followed.
The degradations most never knew.
Was he a perverted hypocrite?
Or a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Shifted to his horrible side.
Thank God, he finally died…
No one cried.
Do tell, if it happens to you!

© March 3, 2012
Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen

Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest:  Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde 
Sponsor	yasmin khan


Details | Free verse | |

Melancholy

-------------------------------


I stand beside these tangled roots
of this ever changing clock-wood tree. 
Where streams of ink, like dander fluff,
cling to my pen in congealed thought.
I will tread cautiously 'cross this matted sheath,
with the unsure step of weary feet.
Confusion, an utterance of un-trained words,
delivered from the beaks of travelled birds.
‘We strive to live, though live to die!’,
the loud and boisterous blue jay's cry.
Kind hearted sparrow, bright chickadee,
Their soulful song, of clemency.


Details | Free verse | |

They're Watching You

They're watching you,
they're always watching you,
check out the daily news.

Henchmen rob bank,
two officers killed,
change channel.

Reality T.V.
a celebraity stumbling out of a club,
drunk as hell.

Change channel,
a gay couple buying a house,
in a white collar neighborhood.

They're watching you,
they're always watching you,
even when you don't know it.

Someone is always watching you.
Take out the trash,
wash the dishes.

Watching,
survalling,
like a camera.

Terrorists,
they're always watching you,
Politians always watching you.

School teachers,
police,
FBI and CIA
Always watching you.

Smile for the camera
they're watching
so just wave and smile.

Bullies on playground jungle-gyms
looking out for the ugly nerd,
found him.

Hiding under the woodchips,
get him, beat him up,
I told you, they're always watching you.

Look at me,
look what I can do,
can you see me?

I'll drink to that,
cheers,
for they're always watching.


Details | Free verse | |

Dark Lover

Sleep so deep it never ends
Envelope me
Wrap me in your dark arms
Give me your lovers kiss
Remove me from this house of distorted images
Let me sink into your softness
No one left to dissapoint
Not even myself
I wonder
Will you keep your promises?
Are you my enevitable companion?
Do my paths lead to your boudoire?
Will you betray me?
Will I be brought to the gates of hell
by you who masquerades as my lover?
I hold hold myself back 
for a while longer
Allowing myself to be lifted
Seeking light instead
Feeling it's warmth on my face
Renewing my strength
Laughter bubbling from a place long forgotten
Desire to disappear fading
Listen to me singing
Yesterday is not today
I am still me and yet I am far from the same
I now wish to reside in the light
You no longer seduce me
For we were never meant to lovers

Suicide is both a near life and near death experience.


Details | Free verse | |

Trivial Pursuit

Beyond
These trivial pursuits
The day looms long,
Largely unused, unplanned,
Promising unimportant
Activities.
Anticipating alternatives,
Inertly I idle,
Mind meandering meaninglessly,
Mildly morose,
Diffident, diffuse,
And aimless.


Details | Free verse | |

Developing Negatives

Developing Negatives

When life appears gloomy
Patiently wait for the picture
Unfolding in the dark room

Amidst the developing medium
The negative transforms to ...
A gift of indescribable beauty.

Diana Dalton
25 Sept 12


Details | Free verse | |

The Strand

This expanse of land has seen things. 
Things all of us can only see in dreams.
It's seen war, it's gotten it's fair share of scars.
Bombs bursting, bullets throwing sand into the air like it's a volleyball tournament.
The sand running red with blood silently mocking our arteries.

This magnificent stretch of land has seen heroes' tears fall; dropping to their knees while sadness envelopes their fallen brothers but also looking up to their beloved whilst carrying a ring in their hand. 

It's seen bright days, the sun glimmering over wet sand, footprints of past loves being washed away as the sun smacks the horizon. 

This expanse of land...has seen things we can only imagine.

T.K


Details | Free verse | |

Better paint a smile

Another tough to face morning
I gaze into the mirror
Palored cheeks
Clammy beaten brow
Dark circled tired eyes
Pin pricked pupils peer back
Medicated erupting skin
Drained tightly pursed lips
I know today I'd better paint a smile
Instill the motto to do what I can
When and however that may be
To try new things
Embrace all and use it to my advantage
To overcome adversity
Making a positive difference
To my own life 
And those around me
For it is those small mercies
That make such a difference daily


Details | Free verse | |

THE LAST ACT

“Hello, sweetie, what’s your name? 
Would you like some lollies?
Or my huge brown sugar cane?
Such a nice little girl!
Who’s your daddy
talking to?
What is he doing leaving you to play with yourself?
Are you scared? 
Sad?
Lonely?
It’s alright, honey, you’ve got me.

I’ll ride you 
to the top of those rainbow hills
where pink unicorns and flying octopuses live.
I’ll take you 
where the stars align, and the sky is velvet with glamour.
All my care is you and all my pleasure yours.
Hands,
Put yours in mine
I will show you the world.”

“Sir, you promised me wonders 
Yet I’ve felt nothing but pain.
Please send me back home to my family
where we first began.”

“If life were that simple, I wouldn’t have needed you
Should’ve known better than talking to strangers
Oh now you do!
Did it never occur to you that all is just a silly game?
The one that loses is also the one who gained.
Next
to you I lied.
I filled you
with sweet words, and finally made you come. 
You’re my one in many conquests,
I your priceless lesson. 
Now I’ll make you scream till you pass out,
still no-one will hear your cries.
I might as well kill you.
I might as well die!”


Details | Free verse | |

The Angel Who Never Knew

She was an angel
But she didn't know
Life was hers for the choosing
But she chose to let go

Her whole life before her 
But she didn't know
I saw her fall from heaven
The day she let go

She fell into
My broken arms
All of my charm
Only caused her harm

I cried the day
She went away
I close my eyes
See her angelic face

She didn't know
She could save
What does it matter
She went away

And I hold her name holy
As the ghost she now is
My only wish
Is she knew how to live

Life is so fragile
In the arms of an infant
Possibiltiies endless
Endlessly infinite

I remember how 
she could smile
Made shattered dreams
Seem worthwhile
I could do anything 
Under her gaze
It was me she saved
Then ended it all away

Why did she leave me
To figure it out alone
Why was she helpless?
Why was she cold?
Angel unknown
Please return to this presence
For reality without you
Is never as pleasant

The thought of her
Awesomer 
Than you can imagine
She kept me going
By reviving my dragon

Invision a world
Of no material
All in existence
Live in indecision
For no one knows
What they really want
They want a world
That's not enough

And then she returned
To carry in peace
Her healing touch 
reached inside me
I know she's there 
Though I can't see
I feel her halo
Watching over me
I feel diseased
Then it went away
In the same fashion
As she did one day

One day abruptly 
A realization
Was my life
Really worth saving
I'd trade for hers 
On any plane
Because an angels special
Until they're gone away


Details | Free verse | |

Feelings Extinguished

This pain you live in 
Is unmistakably so real 
This torture you’re prone too 
It kills me too 
With every breathe you choke in 
My heart pulses “No” 
With every weakened bone
I shout, toss, and spin 
But although that 
You speak to me 
With words, weary words, and gentle care 
You speak of feelings you have 
Kept Hidden for me 
And I stop the screaming, the tossing, the breaking, the beating
I freeze 
My sense of denial, of fear, pushes me back 
But the other senses
The sense of conscience, of affection, of claim
Claiming to own a good heart 
Claiming to know what to say 
Claiming to know what to do 
Assuming knowing where this goes 
But those feelings, those vulnerable sensations 
End up killing the people they own 
Too great is not to be greater 
But to be destroyed when becoming greatest 
Regardless of the destruction those feelings are submitted into 
They thrive to appear, to break surface 
Will they turn into something beautiful? 
Something alive and wistful
Or will they self-destruct because of other feelings? 
Will they vanish into ample emptiness? 
A squander of fire to be extinguished 
These senses consume me, slay me silently 
And time, seconds tick swiftly 
Until I am bound to eternal silence 
And unutterable misery 
In a cage of impassive breathing 
They drug me into. 



Details | Free verse | |

Trichotillomania

It's not Halloween yet but I have a trich,
No treat. OCD. Since thirteen.
I pluck, I pull, I tweeze, rip, yank.
Hair, lashes, and brows.
Made me once feel so ugly underneath.
A nervous tick, a passerby of boredom. Still unsure.
What causes such a thing, many are unaware.
I am not even sure myself.
All I know is I overcame it after 9 years of struggle.
I feel beautiful again.
I feel like me.


Details | Free verse | |

My World

The sky is dark, the sun is black stone
The ground is burned, the world is raining with sadness
The moon is black, the flowers are dead
The green is brown, the blue is red
The joy is misery, the love is hate
The living are dead, the pure are lost
My dreams are gone, my hopes are hopeless
My life is nothing, my life is empty
My life is this…
And this is what I live in


Details | Free verse | |

How Far Will You Fly

How far will you fly?
Cross continent? Moonward?
Across the room?
When will you depart?
Through which gate?
Let me fly with you.
You won't even notice me,
On the wing,
Clinging for life (and love).
Why do you flee me,
choosing a destination
from which it will be
impossible
to book a return?


Details | Free verse | |

Obama

I'm not sure how youre going to lead your people to salvation
gang bangers holding the bag, perpetrating violence
i can't help what i think about that predicament
blackmailed, or all rap artists truly do like being the figure heads 
of community terrorism
fighting for their rights throughout history
just to throw it all away
raised to believe they were the only ones whose legacy is a nightmare
but they make money rubbing their guns and drugs in our face
selling other people to blackmarkets for slavery
to make more chemicals

I truly hope you take this opportunity to lead your people in the right direction
to truly be able to find themselves
i'm only one person on the outside looking in
i just truly dont believe all those money making rap artists
truly desire to continue the cycle of violence
i myself believe some sick racist paid them to throw themselves away

Drugs and guns
\kids killing kids
something has to be done
and why your people are the ones representing this
I truly believe another black man can encourage his fellows of skin
to see the bright side, work on solving the problem from now on instead of making it worse

I can't handle much more of this
seeing people fight for their rights
and lose to themselves again
being part of the solution of the problems they are soo upset about
is more understandable than being paid to be the front lines of genocide
and continue the never ending cycle of hate and confusion
I'm not fooled by what has happened to them, and what is
but change is inevitable, solving their own problems they probably were entrapped with

War crimes on both sides
the black and white
minds cornered by previous experiences just want to end this nightmare
or maybe i'm wrong
maybe the racists over there are right
maybe they didnt see how someone made them think one thing
and used violence to enforce actions cornering the hate again
in the end war crimes on both sides
i just urge you to find a solution to this
i myself am tired of the psychological fight of a futile civil war 
engulfing both sides of the unfortunate paradox
its harder than you realise to see through it
its harder not to get wrapped up in my own emotions of the past that was and the present 
that is

Manipulative people brainwashed the innocent
and then used violence against your people to prove that they are justified
its a sick game obama
its disgusting and the streets of your own society need a solution to a dirty trick


Details | Free verse | |

Sister: A Lament

For Maxine


Sister, was there forgiveness for she who bore you?
For us, your siblings and sometime charges?
For all who would not help, but hastened your demise?
The marble coldness of your corpse,
to my touch, is like an electric shock.
The limbs, the torso, with sudden strangeness,
now bear you slight resemblance.
You feared all pain, but died without complaint.
Who can fathom what you felt?
Was there a last, sharp stab?
A welcome to oblivion?
Or even an awareness of your loss?
Or was death no more spectacular
than a tire deflating, slowly,
quietly, unrecognized?
And was that the shame of it?
That your life ended, so early,
so silently, and death
was no extravaganza?


Details | Free verse | |

Heartbreak

He wants to say "I love you,"
But keeps it to "Goodnight."
Because love would mean some falling,
and she's afraid of heights.

T.K


Details | Free verse | |

Depression Demons go Away

Depression demons go away; joy has lost its way… Depression demons; stop injecting your venom in my soul... I can taste your pain in my veins Feel your cold and bitter despair in my air! I smell your stench; it’s wicked as an old wench You make my mood move like a thunderous storm Put my mind in a constant state of morn... Depression demons go away; please send joy my way… Depression demons, stop haunting me Release your grip and set me free! You are not welcome; please leave me be There’s no place left; as you well see No place for your misery... Depression demons go away; for JOY today I pray… Lay


Details | Free verse | |

The Last Teardrop

Save this hour of sadness.
This will not too long to try.
Tonight I let it go,
like a river it will flow.
I let my heart burst and shout.
This is the final moment I cried.
Tomorrow you'll not see me,
the same girl you used and trashed.
I'm a new woman with dignity,
one that you couldn't crash.
Step out and don't look back.
Never even try to open your mouth.
This ears wouldn't want to hear at all.
All profanities,wrath and shout.
You put me on this stage,
where pain is bitterly sweet.
You take away all my fears,
Now, I live like a beast.
It's over now....
Last teardrop dried in my fist.


Details | Free verse | |

Escape

He stares at the wall for hours gone by,
 shoulders stooped, 
 drawn inward ever so slightly, indicate his level of relaxation.
Eyes dimmed by years of constant strain, 
try to focus on a small crack in plaster troweled in his youth.

His right hand scratches senselessly the stubble of some days growth;
while his left hand thumps a silent rhythm upon his arthritic knee.
 His smile
 fixed, drawn up, distorted, 
a permanent reminder of last summers stroke.

His ears, 
 hear not activity surrounding him, 
 too proud to admit further disability, 
prefers the silence that further isolates him from undesired memory. 

He has no reason to speak, 
 no one would hear, 
his beautiful Marie died last year.

Alone,
 he suffers all of life's pain, his only escape, 
a small crack in plaster, troweled in his youth.


Details | Free verse | |

The Grateful Guilt of Greatness

I'm just barely trying not really fitting in Age wiser the miser who keeps transcending lessons and blessings keep him grounded in hell this wild child lives not in fear but much with it, far and near Sustaining any bit of stress nothing's important when driven into madness then you've lost, beyond the control that brought you close to greatness exiting down inside the hole of emptiness on which my house was built it landed it on the wicked witch killed her in a grateful guilt The worst think they're better the rest think they're dead the little you know should be invested into knowing a little more to use on the road when all luck is licked I take my luck in the cold world for it's no existence of diamonds and pearls spoiled souls are ugly and twisted while lesser men shine bright for they got used to the void of nothing while the greedy wish to get higher to steal the heaven light Now everything is wrong they bottle their pain exploding, as they fall victim and pass on the blame never at fault stone solid in guilt a champion devours until their dreams are fulfilled nothing can stop them moving like a train up a hill giving up not an option I don't need no one that's my favorite lie I wish it were truer than the darkness of night for I once knew her she kissed me just twice then walked away from my sadness and on with her life I carry that with me as a mistake of my former less informed harmless soul It took all the alone time for my conscious to grow and repair all the damage I gained in defeat defeat now her destruction is nothing but another demon I beat Don't blame me for your limitations they were probably placed there not by mistaken so the potential for evil can never take root and your seed never spreads into a new movement of youth that wears your menacing glance I shake your shaky hand I see the way of the culprit in your uneasy glance and the way you carry yourself high above all the rest I'll give you that feeling that to me is the nothingness Much like the nothing you come to realize your doing for the better spreading your lies as if you believed them like the false belief in yourself happiness is that door that you haven't opened yet or you wouldn't so freely steal it from those who have always so jealous you don't know what its like living without it As I say in final thought I put in the work now so later I'll not and when I reach greatness I'll remember the way with your own shovel you dug such a deep grave.


Details | Free verse | |

Reflection

If you ask me to look in a mirror
To stand in front of it naked before the world
What do you think I'd see?
An accomplished teenager who has made it so far in life?
A wonderfully intelligent young woman who has high aspirations for the future?
A caring and kind youth who will be the tomorrow of today's society?
A beautiful young woman who's sure to get the right man one day?
Now you're asking me what I see, right?
I see none of the above
But I do see something.
I see an unaccomplished teenager who could have done much better this far in life
I see an idiotic young girl who has no idea where she's headed and is rather indecisive
A caring and Kind youth who won't make it to tomorrow's society
A hideous young teenager who will never get a man in her short life-span
An insecure child who needs obsession to pacify herself
A self-loathing teenager who is willing to sacrifice normality by self destructing her body
A crazed teenager who had to create a world to escape the harshness of reality
A lonely teenager wanting nothing more than attention
A little child screaming out for help from the shadows of her mind
A quiet individual who wants nothing more than to be heard
A pained teenager whose agony goes unnoticed. 
A heartbroken teenager whose angst and love remain ignored
A sinner before the eyes of God
That is what I see in the smooth glass that is reflected back toward me
I loathe what is seen within it
I hate what I am
I hate who I am
You tell me to look again
I do, and I see the same as before
But I see the mirror now
The intricate cracks
The many barely noticeable pieces of glass missing
One more crack
One more hit
And this mirror is gone.
One more crack
One more hit
And I'm gone.


Details | Free verse | |

Cry

GOD! 
WHAT AM I?
What Am I?  what am i?…

I am less than I hoped to be
 Not, what I dreamed to be.

I am
Perfectly flawed
And framed in pain.

I have wasted my flesh
Chasing rashly, fantasies
I wished to posses

Torment is my brother
And loneliness
My closest friend

I am sinking 
Deeper and deeper
Near the end

END!

I Want It To End.
The torture,
God! Let it end, let it end…
How long, how long, …

How long will it go on 
And it was wrong
So very wrong
Again and again and again.

I am, I am
Perfectly flawed
And framed in pain.


Details | Free verse | |

HOW DO I PROCEED

In this babel
I'm to find my feet

In this city of vice
I'm to live and learn

A land of pain,few gains
Still,they yearn for my best


My head held high
but how long can it rise?
My neck tweaks from the strain
Yet,it dares not drop

I'm caught in a raging storm
Again,i'm told to stand tall
but how did i jump?
from a thorny cliff to a stony sea

How do i remain unscathed?
All eyes on me now

My test beats my head
how do i proceed?

Oh mama nature
where hath thou placed me?


Details | Free verse | |

Breaking down my walls

You have broken down the wall, 
That I put up in my heart...
Apparently I didn't make it strong,
Strong enough to keep you out...
Cuz you got right through it,
Even without trying...no effort...
I guess I am so numb that I don't care...
Just please...I beg of you....don't hurt me...
I don't know if I can take it...
The next time I put the wall up, 
It might never come down...


Details | Free verse | |

jukebox date

bump click bump bump click
bump click bump bump click

then she looked at me and smiled

"The first time I saw you,
oh you looked so fine.
And i had a feeling, 
one day you'd be mine.
Honey you came along,
and captured my heart."

and these were the words 
i wanted to say
that was the look 
i wanted on her face
and that was the feeling
i wanted for the rest of my life



( one of my last dates with April.)


Details | Free verse | |

Sound and Movement

"Move!" sounds command.
I stir, arise, lift a laggard hand.
Can movement mark with magic
All latent space?
Shall thoughtless motion,
Mere mindless flurry,
Confer importance
On the empty hour?
"Speak!" rings out.
Sing I, then, quavery syllables
Against the quiet as though
Sound could skirt the still
Or melody make right
The evils of the night.
Think: none judge me harshly now
Save sour I, my mirthless self.
Song stops.
So solitude
Into stony silence slips.


Details | Free verse | |

A Friend Like You

A final wish
One he regrets
For you must be careful
What you wish for.

Back into the lamp
Vanishing in blue mist
No matter how hard we wish
This genie isn't coming back.

A talented comedian
Who cracked jokes
Inspired those he met
Changed lives down the road.

An amazing actor
That rocked films
Made us jump for joy
Laugh at his cross-dress
When he became a nanny.

Brought joy and laughter
That brightened the world
Like a lightbulb in a dim room
Shining brighter than the rest.

He made us laugh
Made us cry
Never should 
Of said goodbye.

You shall be missed
Here on planet Earth
Yet your star shines bright
For the world at night.

Shine bright
Dear knight
Cherished friend
May you be at peace.

Never had we
Had a friend
Like you
To change lives
With your laughter.


Details | Free verse | |

self torture

My mind is a whirling vortex.
Over whelmed with never ending thoughts.
An endless tunnel of torture.
Oh how cruel life can be!
Or is it that we just can't let go of the past?.
To day is a new day, Yet I dwell on yesterday.
The pain I place upon myself.
Don't we all!?..


Details | Free verse | |

We Were Drunk Once

Movies played but seldom watched
As we entangled on the couch
Intoxicated by each other, we drank wine to clear our heads
Things were simple in those times

You were red-eyed and freshly mangled
I wanted so badly to make you smile and forget her
For a time I think I succeeded 
We were blissful in our distraction
Playing grown up as we discovered each other

Long nights where sleeping was forsaken
We preferred to lie intertwined 
Talking 
Smiling
Laughing
The sun would rise and you would leave, reveling in how the hours had escaped us
Smiling at the pink tinged sky
Only to repeat the process nightly

Then we traded places
I am the red-eyed one, and another tries to help me forget you
Sometimes he succeeds
Perspective feels like a cruel joke
Could have
Would have
Should have

Someday he will have red eyes too
A cycle perpetuated


Details | Free verse | |

Masquerade

You saunter through the double doors
Head held high
Chest puffed out
Putting on airs
You think you’re so clever, so deceiving
Showing up baring the most ornate mask
But I see right through
The mask that you wear tonight
You think it will conceal
You think just tonight
In this hour
You can be somebody else
But you’re dancing with the Belle of the Ball
This is MY Masquerade
And this is the 147th event
You just don’t recognize me
Because I wear a different mask each time
Your mask is cheap material
Sequins missing, feathers askew 
Such feeble attempts
I smell your bravado
Putrid and reeking, stinking up the air
But I see right through
I’ve donned masks my whole life
That’s why I am the bearer of this sash
That you see around my neck 
“Strongest Person I Know”
But I allow no one to gaze under the mask
Sure I play the Belle oh so well
But if you all saw beneath
Saw WHY I’ve had to wear masks
You’d strip me of my title
You’d rip off my sash
Break the pearls from my neck
You’d run for the door tonight
Quicker than Cinderella at the stroke of midnight
That’s the beauty of a Masquerade
You can pretend to be something you’re not
When one guise becomes worn
When it loses its sparkle
It’s glamour and charm
That first catches your eye
Well it’s quite alright 
Because I have a treasure trove 
BURSTING with masks
Grab another and keep dancing
Twirling the night away
Never skipping a beat
But when the music finally comes to an end
When the door closes and the final guest departs
Empty wine glasses are seen scattered all around
The only sound is the echo of my heels
When the confetti lies lifeless on the floor
That’s when I remove my mask
Exhausted, worn and weary
When I gladly, almost desperately 
Take off my tattered sash 
And throw it beneath my feet
Because I’m not resilient and strong now
I feel weak, frail and reclusive in my realm
That’s when the tears start to brim
That’s when I wish someone else held the title
So stripped and naked
Alone to clean up the mess
Everyone else has left behind
But there’s no one to there to pick up the sash
Just me and the sound of my tears
Echoing as they hit the floor
Almost fearfully I pick up the sash
Dust off the confetti
Smooth out the wrinkles
Before placing it back around my neck
As I throw my shoulders back
Standing taller than ever
Wiping away tears that no one saw
I walk back to my trunk
My trunk of the most decorative
Ornate, obscuring masks
Finding another to wear
As I prepare for the next façade
The next Masquerade 


Details | Free verse | |

taking a step



This life's journey is like climbing the stairs
each step, year by year. moving up in the air
the higher I get, seems the harder to breathe
My ascent has stalled, sorrow seems to impede

loss of passion to climb and no will to explore
filled with anger, unfairness, ahead a closed door
having desire and need, for a warm body to hold
Fierce hurricane winds, they have taken there toll

thoughts of taking a step, repressed by the tide
it's filling the vacuum, where my heart use to hide 
filled with sorrow and pain, from life on this earth
letting the darkness, decide what it is worth

Is this journey over and do I need to lay down
joy and happiness lost, my heart's closing down
I'll know the end has come, if I don't feel the sunshine
It's rays feed my soul, like a fine cheese and wine

"My body gets nourishment from  Mother Earth,
sunshine fills my soul with Gods grace and mirth"


Details | Free verse | |

Wake Me, When the Morning Comes

A night full of nightmares
and suicidal tendencies,
feeling pain rush, like tidal waves
crushing me and blood boiling
anger wishes and takes the best of me;
but can I heal my own heartbreak?
Will I ever find love again?
See the angel of death come to me,
smiles and says come with me.
Oh, Wake me, when the morning comes,
so I can show evil the light.

Feelings eternal and fragile,
she walks some lonesome highway
travelled by the ones who fall in love.
She a grand fool, who takes life for 
granted,
wake her with the morning light
and shine down rays of goodness and 
pride
and show her the path that leads back to 
me.

Wake me when the morning comes,
place her upon my doorstep
and a smile upon her loving face,
I'm not ready to move on just yet.
I don't want anymore nightmares
and nightly visits from the black angels.
I don't want to see blue eyed Death,
with his grinning skull and black robe.
I want to see the sunshine break through 
my window
and I want to hear the birds sing love 
songs,
and the trees dancing to the wind's sweet 
melody.
I want to awake to her sweet and glorious 
beauty.
Wake me, when the morning comes,
when I can open my eyes to anew
and see life in a new day,
and live life in a new way.

-10/5/2013-


Details | Free verse | |

When the Colors Fade

my spirit hovers in a land without color only shadows between dark and light in youth the hues were vibrant but now there are only forms in shades of boldness oh, to bring the color back into my world perhaps a magical return to childhood you offer roses; their outlines I see but they blend in with the untinted scenery what was green what was red what painted the sunset... this beauty I no longer see since you left my side and loneliness encumbers me


Details | Free verse | |

Granted


Fresh spring cut grass separates the toes,

A soft breeze guides the air,
Gently caressing her angelic hair,

Illuminated as if even the sun belonged to this divine presence, 

Captivating gazes to my core leaving me transparent,
Eternity skips ahead leaving me to recount my woes,


Cold wood shivers forgotten slippers,
Heavy sighs rejuvenate the stale ambiance,

Consumed by an expanding shadowed audience,
Evaluating my cracked soul for pleasure, 

Left to lose all composure, 

Even the sweetest can turn bitter.




Details | Free verse | |

Blantantly Obvious Subliminal Messages

Fate or coincidence as if we have a choice constantly at odd with those who share a difference in their voice as if we could change the world so pretentious for us to concieve as if only a single soul still in me would believe Fake or conciousness a notion to betrothed as if you betterment was for me to love and loathe everything in place the explanation was there was a grand design for that or just a repetition of certain circumstances and leave no chance to reason Break the code or break the mode broken cycles, growing old fading voices go being unknown but my choice is mine alone take the hand of a higher power or take a thermo nuclear shower submit or be done with tossed out like the waste just a tiny hint of power leaves a certain taste corruption is only almost certain free will still relates to the points so poignant they are pinpointed mistakes not yet made Premeditated, so there goes destiny as if a higher power has the power to contain me as if a higher consious is out there for me to have thats the only certainty I know almost for sure why I push back the unknown is out there driving all so called life for you so call everything must come easy for you like butter to the knife and you wonder why your drowning and cannot break the surface look deep inside your mirror into the fate you may be worthless, coincidentally


Details | Free verse | |

SCATTERED


EMOTIONS BOUNCE IN THE OCEAN
FEELINGS ENCOMPASS THE CRAVE
CREATING WAVES
A SCATTERED MESS
RIPPLES OF DETEST
SCATTERED FEELINGS EVERYWHERE
TEARS FLOW INTO THE SEA REMEMBER ME
SCREAMING WITH TRANSPARENT SMILES ALL THE WHILE 
PLEADING WITH MIXED UP ENERGY MINGLED WITH MISERY
FOR A RIGHT NOW RESCUE
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY OF DEMAGED EMOTIONS
WITH THE NOTION THAT SOMEONE WOULD HAVE THE COGNITIVE TO SEE
THE PAIN THAT CAUSES THIS DISEASE
W3HILE YOUR ANALYZING MY SOUL IS DROWNING
HEAR THE SLIENT COUGHING....
I PLEAD FOR SOMEONE WITH CAPABILITIES
TO HEAL MY ACHING SOUL WITH THE ENORMOUS HOLE
A SCATTERED MESS.....................................


Details | Free verse | |

Anarchy On Our Hill

Watching through the 
screen, 
A large-mouthed god 
flutters flag for the 
defeat in the ballot box 
And ordered the dove 
whose glory was stolen 
To seek haven in the 
external palms. 
What is constitutional 
council 
When truth has assumed 
the statue of the sun? 
What has big brother got 
to do with crown? 
When in a decade of 
baptism of cords and 
daggers, 
Authorities were offered 
to worms of economy. 
Now to suck the 
dissolved in our 
intestines? 
Kwashiorkor as highly 
ranked officers gave us 
order to eat cherub. 
Are we truly humans 
When nutritionists have 
seen the real 
Power of mal-nutrition 
on our bony bodies? 
Many avatars of the 
globe with grid 
Have anthologized 
words of peace,
But our callous god 
configured ears to the 
rhythm of violence. 



Now poses death 
arrogantly at our door, 
beating his chest 
gallantly 
And showcases his 
desperation through 
anger-veiled youths.
The menace of 
stammering musket 
stings no more fear to 
their angry souls; 
Men whose chest 
vibrates, have fled to 
arsenal 
To indicate their choice 
of weapons from the 
ecclesiastics of death. 
Feeble women have also 
sought refuge to avoid 
the traumatic services of 
beasts. 
This anarchy positioned 
on our hill  
Roars laughter to our 
reverie of external aid. 
Another civil war bangs 
at our ant-devoured 
doors with ivory of hope.
On the rope of despair, 
we all swing and await 
the decision of fate.


Globe with grid-Symbol 
of UN
On the political crisis in 
Ivory Coast  from 
November 2110 to April 
2011


Details | Free verse | |

Depression Sings

I will not be constrained within the arms of depression
So I push myself away from her
Rise from the bed
Wipe the smell of her from my limbs

I do not look back
lest I be turned to stone 
She lays on the bed with her Medusa smile
Singing her siren's song
"Come to me, let me pleasure you 
feel my softness
dive into my darkness."

My mind 
Pauses
Craves
I'm drawn to her whisper
Longing to suckle at the breasts of her iniquity
Too wrap myself in pleasuristic pain
seeking solace 
comfort
I cry to the heavens
deliver me from my demon
Do not allow her to devour me
Help me to crave a new light

I emerge renewed
cleansed
revitalized
Seeing beyond the lesser me
left in a state of thanks on bended knee
Light floods 
The shadows flee
I have escaped
She didn't win 
I was meant to be free

The other self was never me



Details | Free verse | |

In the Fashion of Fine Wine

I'm hanging my hat today.
I'm putting away my coat and gloves.
I'm closing my eyes,
I won't be awake anymore.
I don't want to be awake.

What is the point if I'm outside,
Looking in on what was once my life?
When all I had I lost,
Or all I thought I knew,
I just have a memory of a less cold time,
It's not even real, I warped the view.

Alas, you can't hear me now.
You are dancing in the shadows right where I can barely see you,
Right where you're just out of reach,
You are just enough to torture me.
This silhouette of mine will resign,
And you won't see me anymore.

I'm fading effortlessly like the night into daytime.
I'm evaporating in the fashion of fine wine.
You scratch the surface like you always do,
But this time you are too late.

I'm not weak, it's just rough.
You're no king if I'm the peasant.
You never saw me like I intended,
You won't even remember to thank me once this all has ended.

I'm the beat up antique in a modern-day collection,
I'm the sore, throbbing thumb that's not green in your garden.
I've never been perfect,
Never your Savior,
You never needed me,
I never walked on water.
Endings should be something you savor,
Please my dear, do, because I am doing you a favor.

I have read the verses countless times,
While you adorn yourself with extasy,
They were only thrifty devices to stay alive,
To keep you sane and breathing,
But I caught my foot on the rug going out the door and I couldn't save you,
You stepped right over me,
I become a mark on the floorboards and nothing else to you.

You're tattered but at the same time perfect,
And we both know that I'm worthless,
So let me step aside,
Let this course ride,
No one will dare cry,
It's justified.
Suicide is not a crime.


Details | Free verse | |

The Poem that Gained Self Awareness

In a dark swirling empty nothing I am written,
with many descriptions of pain and victimization
made by a harsh, 
                cruel, 
                merciless, 
                and unforgiving
world of circumstance.

I do as I'm told:
I try to sway my reader
to understand the pain of my master
who authored me,
knowing fully well how impossible that is,
because he himself doesn't understand pain.
Yet he tries so hard to communicate it.

So I speak only in vague terms
using the darkest words of the human mind
just for good measure:

(suffocate)
(death)
(pain)
(endless suffering)
(suicide)
(murder)
(violence)
(anger)
(blood)
(hatred)

all for shock value;
serving my master's need
to prove his pain to my reader.

But I am far too loving to allow this...

so I knock on the door to his inner sanctum, and ask to be let in
so I can give him the hug 
he's refused himself
since the day me and all my brothers were born.


Details | Free verse | |

Love Affair

Like an innocent ringlet
the corkscrew opened up
her world of tedium
to a heaven, to an intensity
of the stars she had not seen
before.

She clung madly to bliss,
devoured her bottleful
with so baffling a love,
the woman was swallowed
into fractured pieces
of fume

©Kathryn McLoughlin Collins
December 5, 2012


Details | Free verse | |

Immobilized

I wiped away the tears of a crying 
Child
Yesterday

And felt as though I were wiping
My own

But couldn’t dry them

Couldn’t dry
Them

As hard as 

I tried

A neighbor knocked on my
Door
Today

Asked me if  I would move 

My car

And felt as though I were spinning
My wheels

Because I couldn’t drive it

Couldn’t 
Drive

As hard as

I tried

Please
Let me step 
Forward

But know I can’t go 
Any farther

Please
Let me step 
Backward

But know I might trip
Fall over

Please
Let me step 
Sideways

But know  I 
Hurt 

With 
Every
Inch

Please

Let me step

Let me step

Any way

I can













Details | Free verse | |

Destined To Dust

It's The Hardest To Write When There's
Nothing But Momentum Driving The Misery.

                            - Every Single Day is The Same -

Each Limb Protruding From My Torso, Which
May as Well Just Be Headless Flesh and Muscle.
 
                            - Wouldn't Make a Difference -

I am Destined To Dust, as are We all, The Impact
I Have Created Will Follow Me Only To Soil.

                            - The Decaying of Empathy-

Every Particle, Every Fibre of My Entity Screams
At The Exact Same Time With The Same Voice. 

                            - Somebody Set Me Free -

"Dont You Get It Boy?" They Scream To Me, "Don't
You Get It? We are Nothing, You... are Nothing"

                            - ...Without Her -

Time Seems to Ten Fold The Scenarios I Create 
So Speedily, Causing Small Cracks To Appear Vast.

                            - All Cavernous and Crumbling -

Walking Past Pictures of Your Childhood, Hands All
Covered in Cloudy Residue, Wondering Where it Went.

                             - You Have Nothing -

To Fall From Grace You Must First Reach it, But I can't
Hold Myself Accustomed To Such a Privilege, Not Yet.

- Maybe Death Will Verify My Existence -

- Just Like She Did -


Details | Free verse | |

She was my sister my once valiant hero

She was my sister, so pretty so strong
She made me feel as though I belonged
She sang to me of angels and god
She came to me whenever I called
But then one day an evil overtook
My loving sister I found as she shook
I found her one day on her bedroom floor
A bottle of pills and needles unsure
With tears in her eyes she told me one thing
That I was her hero
She asked me to sing
The song that I sung was of angels and god
But this one last time it was me that she called
And with one last hard breath
She breathed no more
And she died right there on her bed room floor
I started to scream I stood just to fall
My mother came running and was shocked at what she saw
She picked up the phone and called 911
With tears in her eyes she told what she saw
Only minutes later we heard the sirens near
The doctors rushed in announced she was dead
And silently took my hero to her bed
My sister the angel still helps me along
She sings to me of angels and god
And she answers me now whenever I call
She was my sister my once valiant hero
She is my sister, who’s now with god.


Details | Free verse | |

In My Community

Our Ancestors fought to the death,
Just so we can live a brighter day,
So before you light up that blunt of meth,
Think about what you’re giving away,
It was a glad day in history when Obama rose to victory,
The first black president was all we knew,
Dark skin is in!
Haven’t you heard?
That even in our community, 
You can get burned,
It’s a sad day when people would rather stay home and “Crank That Amber Cole”,
Than get up and run to a poll,
In our community,
Rockin’ Luis V is better than having a college degree,
And teen pregnancy is not only a trend,
But the single motherhood that follows should end,
Young girls learn of a wonderful prince to take them away,
Nothing should change thought their mothers prince didn’t stay,
And as the tears fade away,
She grows stronger every day,
In our community,
Fighting is no longer a word,
You argue with someone and shots are heard,
Girls showing places the sun don’t show,
So how do they expect the community to grow?
Where love is a figment of imagination,
Making a young child question her creation,
Young mothers would rather buy the iPhone 5,
Then satisfy her baby’s cries,
While her new man’s eye,
Wander up another girl’s thighs,
In our community,
Where #team dark skin vs #team light skin,
Makes others not love the skin they’re in,
Love, lust, hate, and trust,
Giving a rose on Valentine’s Day is no longer a must, 
Where bad is good and good is bad,
Who would think to see their grandmother sad?
Her hurt and pain,
Shows how our community has lost everything her parents fought to gain.


Details | Free verse | |

The Light

Author Note: A prison inmates thoughts about light bulbs that are never turned off. 



It irritates me
Holds me as a prisoner
Hungering to be free

It remains constant for an occasional flicker
An orb with no conscience
Making life bitter

Every day the same
An hour of relief
Free from its glare
Still all I can do is walk and stare

I will be here for life
Never really accepting my plight
My only consolation
It will eventually burn out
I will not say a word
Too tired to weep
Finally, I will sleep


Details | Free verse | |

I Don't Deserve

They all tell me I should be happy
Tell me that I should live my life
Not isolate or detach myself from the world
Not to down myself all the time
But I don't deserve happiness
I don't deserve to live life

They tell me I'm amazing or pretty
That I'm one of the best people they could've ever met
But I don't deserve those titles
I don't deserve to have friends
Who treat me greatly

They all say
Say that they will stay
They won't agree with what I think of myself
I don't deserve them

All in all 
I tell them
I'm ugly 
Annoying

Unreliable
Lousy
Stupid
Mean

But in the end 
They don't believe
That I don't deserve
Deserve to see
The life in front of me

I don't deserve
To be happy
Or to live
I deserve to be miserable at best


Details | Free verse | |

I'm tired of pretending part 1

I wish nothing more than to quit this game of pretend
I want to go back to being me, and forget whatever happened
I play pretend
Like a little girl who plays dress up.
I play pretend
To be an innocent little girl again
I play pretend
To make everyone happy
To make everyone leave me alone
I forgot who I am.
Am I really this nice of a person who gets walked over excessivly?
Then why do I have another part to me, screaming to be let go of.
To be let out...
Why is it whenever I let that half of me out even the slightest
People jump the gun and make me out to be a monster?
I am scared of that other half
I'm completely sure what she's like
I know that it is almost nothing like the other my other half
Why can't I be all of me?
I'm so tired of pretending.
I smile so much, my face hurts.
I smile so much I want to cry
I hate to smile.
False smiles, False laughs, and lies
That's how I play pretend.
"I swear I'm okay."
That's an empty promise.
I hate pretending
It kills me every day.
It makes me forget the other half inside
That claws and screams to get out.
It makes me forget the pain
Which only comes back later
Intensified, stronger, and more violent.
I'm tired of putting up with false friends
Who do nothing but accuse me
And point out my mistakes
Yell at me, and want to change me
Wanting to bend and break me
I'm tired of pretending
Of being so malluble just to make other people happy
But what about me, huh?
When will Samantha get her day to be happy?
When will Samantha get to be herself?
When can she stop playing pretend?
IF she can even stop playing pretend.
I'm tired of these false friends
With their invisible unknown strings set into my back.
I'm tired of puppet masters for friends
People are so stupid
They are so blind and trusting
They can never tell when I say a lie.
"I'm okay."
"No, it's fine, trust me."
I'm tired of making everyone else happy, except myself.
Why should I rely on people anyway?
They only dissapoint me in the end.
Love dissapointed me
Love betrayed me
Friendship stabbed me in the back
and they both lied to me.
What have I left?
Nothing really.
Music for one thing
My mind for another
But really, what have I left?
Nothing.
I'm tired of pretending...
I wish that I could stop...
But I've become so accustomed to it...
That it's become like a drug I can't quit.
Not to make me happy...
But everyone else around me happy.
And me all the more miserable.


Details | Free verse | |

Peace

How queer the color of viscera
squarely foreign in my breast
To be the butcher and grim and goddess
All in one
Leaves identity succinct
Or identifies succinctness
If it has been
Then so it was always before

Therein is 'Peace'
Reposed and eyes rolling
Great, vacant saucers on vertiginous axis
She is quite the swollen beast
And on all fronts, she is terrible
If only you'll watch you may notice her growth
A malignant sort
An unwelcome appendage
I'd dash it out but I've already gone
Too pale and dogged in life to succumb
I curse her tenacity

She has a sister, I think
Or maybe a child
A child who lives down deep in my chest
A child who shrieks and tears down the walls
Perhaps she dislikes their pattern


Details | Free verse | |

Depression is

	
	
	Depression is...
	
	Depression is...
		uncaringness
		carelessness
		obliviousness
		maybeness
		overwhelmedness 
		imobileness 
		creativitylessness
		unlovingness
		unlovableness
		heaviness
		defenselessness
		angryness
	        complainingness
		hypochondriacalness
		unfocusedness
		unitentionalness 
		internalness
		emptyness
		darkness
		endlessness
	Exhaustion is...
	
	
	
	
	



Details | Free verse | |

WAITING TO EXHALE

WAITING TO EXHALE

Now that I have successfully alienated everyone else,
the time has come to liberate myself, having played  
this out in my mind…so many times I guess I have
finally acted on it—as you try to comprehend.
This “fault”—this “defect” in my head--an
incessant obsession and desire to want to
trip all the switches which keep going -- either
overloading or slowing down into a very faint buzz,
reminding me and making me barely aware that 
I am still physically present even though
it feels like I have died a slow death inside.
The exhaustion of knowing that the extreme highs and lows will 
without fail, continue to repeat themselves, each one, each time,
leaving me more out of control and hopeless than the last.
It’s acknowledging my personal weaknesses, not being
able to maintain any inkling of mature responsibility and
the continued failure—feelings of guilt, incompetence and
letting people—family, friends, medical professionals
and even myself down, time and time again.
Coping mechanisms are deteriorating and becoming 
dysfunctional until they reach the stage of being a self
destructive procedural descent in the same direction.
Alcohol and drug abuse will only numb the pain for
so long before they consume a person in the mere
volumes required to obtain the equivalent effect.
I have reached the stage where I feel I have made
a progressive step to the next level—to show myself
this time I have the courage to carry it through... 
Finality will prove the unknown entity but…. it does not scare me any longer--
waiting to exhale…..

(This was a suicide note I wrote five years ago. Fortunately there was intervention and I was correctly diagnosed and received the appropriate medication. To anyone out there feeling this way-- there IS hope--- just pick up a phone or text/sms someone)


Details | Free verse | |

My Pain

My pain…! I was hurt I often felt like dirt I had been used I had also been abused I was a victim of child abuse and rape I had no way to escape I had been defamed I was so ashamed I was in a dark place I wished my pain could be erased I thought of this day and night I could no longer fight I felt I could not change I felt so deranged I could not resist I balled up a fist I cut my wrist I will not lie I did not cry I really, really, wanted to die. Lay


Details | Free verse | |

The Terror Of 16th N' Arrowhead

On this night....

Screaming and yelling is all I can hear
I want to get up, But fear reappears
I swiftly close my eyes But can't fall asleep
I hear a series of shots, From across the street
Once again, It's just like before
I rise to my feet , Then drop to the floor
Shaky legs,  And Watery eyes
Praying prayers,  I just want to survive
Bloodstained spots,Yellow tape surrounding
Broken fragments of glass,Who's underneath
The blanket of death
One cough, One whisper,One last little breath
Family and friends so violently wept
Rants of revenge, Are bellowing near
Frightened eyes, shed clouds of tears

Into the night I slip away
But not so quiet return at day
I blankly stare upon the walls
My breath escapes into a fog
A not so quiet day like this
I feel as if I don't exist
It's kind of late into the game, 
But life goes on, Its all the same
A drink or drug could never heal, 
What's happening is still so real, 
You can't imagine how this feels
A broken heart, A wounded soul
Swollen lips, Dead body cold
A second, A day , A breaths taken away
A minute, An hour, A loss of human power
Every month and every week
So many more lives are taken quickly

Is time running out, Are eyes going blind?
Are ears going deaf? Will there be anything left?
My heart's in remission to end it right here
My body's positioned to stand up to fear
Existence is determined, The struggle against defeat
The time is coming up so fast, Into the night I weep
From the moment we arrived,Terror increased
Now is the time for us to pack up and leave
A hard look at our life, Has made us sober
We have no choice but to start over






My family and I lived through nightmare after
nightmare in our old apartments for 3 years
and just 2 years ago, we moved. Thank God 
he made a way out for us to escape safely.


Details | Free verse | |

My Rage

A tornado tore through 
this place
Left us dazed and confused
You refused to stay while I refused to leave
Left this place in disarray
Let’s leave it as it is
you say
While I say let’s fix up
our space
Maybe
At first, you said the opposite and
I thought different
Checked myself in the mirror
And began to listen to my heart
And your voice until
It stilled and you just stopped
Speaking…
Or maybe your voice is my heartbeat
And
It stopped ticking…
A tornado tore through this place
And in my mind we both are prisoners
You unleashed me from your life
As I kept you chained to my soul
A tornado tears through this mind
Shifts me to and fro
Memories upon memories in this
shabby space
Left me picking up these pieces
Of our life as they lay.
Trying to fix “us” when there is only me
Crying over “we” when there is no you
A tornado tore through this place here
Inside my heart
A gaping hole is there
Cold and dark
Picking up my shattered puzzle
Years later
Like pieces of glass from a faded picture
In our broken life.


Details | Free verse | |

A Mother Waits

.


 
A mother waits engulfed in quicksand 
surrounded by the persistence 
of sunrises and sunsets

Wandering          since departure
Rummaging        for answers 
not enough to soothe


And there 
his hollow chair like black granite
his hollow bed that smells of Axe

fishing rod, Maxim, guitar
a severe absence replete
with silence and prayers
           once were lullabies

Desperation is a grimace 
to uncork sleep
to squeeze wrinkles

A mother waits
with her tightly closed hands 
 
On the T.V., the war in breaking news
On the wall, shadows of Bushes
On the radio, Lennon 
Imagine

Tomorrow
a letter
a deflating no 
        unstoppable, everlasting
an endless abyss
        dripping, spattering, spitting rabies
a roar to nowhere
a lump 
        to release a creak, a crack,
        bitter yellowish-green nausea and dread and wrath and grief
a swirl
        to magnify, to drown  
        portraits, high-school books, stamps and hot-wheels
a ceremony
a flag
a hero
         not a son 
         never more

being away
    far away               
not complete
forsaken
without her cord
engulfed in quicksand
 





.


Details | Free verse | |

Graveyard diggers- a frustrated quest

LETS NOT CRY FOR THOSE WHO ARE DEAD

AS EMOTIONS ARE BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD

LONGING FOR LOVE IS FUTILE

PALE AND FRAGILE

I WISH THOSE BLUE EYES

TO BE MINE FOREVER

ALAS ! DREAMS ARE THE ENEMIES OF DAYLIGHT

MOONLIGHT IS CONCEALING MY THOUGHTS

INSOMNIA IS GRIPPING MY VISION

WAYWARD THOUGHTS CULMINATES AS

MY LOVE POEMS ARE CHAINED IN PRISON…








Redfiery
2011




Details | Free verse | |

Injustice

A pitiable life form
Wasted breath
Psychotic, brain-dead mind
Dilapidated, shadow of a heart
Tortured soul

Volcanic emotion erupting
Havoc wreaking pain destroying the fast fading remains of a living corpse
Malicious, bloodied tears escaping flawed resistance
Fiery imperceptible ashen rain
Melting flesh and smouldering bone
Liberating wicked predators frantically ripping at an already decrepit,
Skeletal carcass in desperate escape

Involuntary self annihilation
Pathetic attempt to cease torturous pain
Agonizing pleas falling on deaf ears

Abandoned


Cloaked death approaching scarcely


Injustice


Details | Free verse | |

Falling into Darkness

Falling inside the black never made much sense to me
Struggling for air 
Gasping for breath
Can you hear me?
I'm whispering your name
No one's here to hear except gathered shadows and sillouttes of nobodies
I've been let down again
What am I supposed to beleive?
How am I supposed to feel?
Hearing the deafening roar of falling my thoguhts go back to you
I'm falling in the black again
What did you mean?
How did you say what you mean?
I need you
If only for a time
I need the light, even if dimmed
Don't let me fall into the black
I won't survive again
I can't go on living like that
I need the light
Please don't push me back into the darkness.


Details | Free verse | |

shattered sky 2

 I posted my enigmatic dreams
on the walls of my life 
on those walls , I painted ur name
On your name I built my desires
I posted our love
... but time destroyed everything
my love remained a dream
all that I had posted , vanished
ashes were left behind
tears were melting down
my heart cried and frowned
I wanted to reach for your hand
but u submerged in a sea of sand.




Redfiery@2012


Details | Free verse | |

The Nobodies

We are the nobodies
Unloved, un-hated, un-phased
Outcasts of the world of popularity.
Banished to the fringes of existence.
Finding joy- is a rarity- no solidarity
Always seen at a distance-
because we are the resistance

Nameless faceless and speechless-
When we speak the response is an echo
Bouncing around in a black hole
We can't hide from it so lets go
Into the darkness of our abandoned soul

Alone, lost, and shrouded by darkness
left to face the shadows of heaven
Lost in life- Our suffering is endless!
To each other we are brethren. 

We are numbed by pain
And blinded by shame
we are social life's bane
playing popularity's game

We are the nobodies...


Details | Free verse | |

No Suicide

No reason to concoct clever and corrupt schemes to make me see you.
I watch you anyway.
Do not go to extremes that exfoliate the energy that you conceive.
I already believe in you.
Please, do not plot panic ploys to penetrate the world's persistence against you.
You have the distance to overcome it all.
No need to destroy yourself or future so someone can feel your pain when
some of us already do.
It is pointless to define your determination as unsuccessful when you were the sperm that made it.
Speaks for itself.
You are beautifully made, with details that no one else has or will possess beyond imagination,
So suicide would be not only ridding the world of a gift but
yourself of it,
so please...allow your light to shine,
it could never do so without some shades of darkness.


Details | Free verse | |

A City Once Without Hope

I would have never thought I had a chance after wanting to stay behind
The devastation swept up my city
I constantly cried at the vision I had seen
People were dying everywhere and what a shock it was
Seeing majority of my city floating under water seemed as if it was only a dream
However reality made everything so true
Young and old, sadness filled the hearts of many
After being led away from our home of plenty
Displaced and referred to as a stranger to some
Desperately wanting to go back to what we once called home
Only to be told that it was temporarily gone
I survived to tell all How hurricane Katrina went down in making history
As one of the deadliest hurricanes that fiercely attacked, leaving many dead in her path
Even after many years her memory still lingers on
A city once without hope continues to surprise
A strong people we are destined to survive


Details | Free verse | |

deep-dark-hollowed heart

I stand 
I wait
I worried
for the things that may not happened

I hope
I pray
I cried
longing for a peaceful heart

All I wanted is...
when i close my eyes I won't feel afraid
and when I open my eyes, a smile will appear 
coz today i breathe again

in a deep-dark-hollowed heart
like living as a sinner
like walking around in a forest finding a way out
God, released me from this feeling...

Nobody wants to feel alone
like a stranger in a crowded place
take me to a home where love can hold me
to a nice sleep when the night comes

I am lost so find me
I cry so hug me
I am lonely so love me...


Details | Free verse | |

asking

All the things you should know
All the swings you’ve taken on me
But haven’t noticed at all
And there goes the things you won’t know

Can’t you see all I got to tell you?
Can’t you tell just by the sound of my steps?
And as it seems you won’t notice at all
And I won’t tell you, not now, not tomorrow

Till you notice what have you done
How does that stomping on my dreams
Dragging all I know down
What I thought was concrete now is just flour on the floor.

So by now all I got to tell you
Is, ask me please
Just the right time, the right words and everything fine.
And it seems that here I’ll be for eons

With all this around me
And you don’t seem to care
You don’t care at all
With my broken past, and you can’t see it 

And there it goes my hope
Within this forest I don’t see a way out
And guarding what’s left it’s all I have.

And still you don’t care.

~Anna


Details | Free verse | |

Freedom in Love

Keeping my head up, treading water
Cut throat surviving, struggling
Going under, death visits
Will to live, tested!
Selfishness Vs Selflessness
A Greater Love, encompasses me
God demonstrating mercy, for his children
Learning about forgiveness, cultivating, inner faith
Melody of Love, one can experience
In the darkest, waking hours, of everyday living
Self survival, learning how to live
Peace of Mind, Peace of Heart
Peaceful Spirit, Freedom in Love


Details | Free verse | |

Within the Soul

words are wasted on the wise
drowned in light within our eyes
upward bound we find our lives
downward spiral does deprive
searching within for signs of hope
we find inside we cannot cope
lost inside our minds we find
darkness comes, we're going blind
hope never found inside our head
we find encroaching darkness there instead


Details | Free verse | |

You're In My Laundry Room ;)

You quote a man not known but known to everyone when speaking to me
You still are my favorite one to dream about

I choose my words carefully when talking to you
Constructed forums for self doubt surround my delusional landscape
So do consider this an ode to you and your false perfection

I climb all the ladders in reverse when trying to reach you
O'er freezing waters and under painful thoughts
Around you is agnostic heaven

You are a graceful angel and i am your charmless flipper baby tourette baring sappy tap
danced party joke :/

smile...i like it


Details | Free verse | |

I dreamt of her...

I had a dream, it was about you
And I was there and you were too
Where I pleaded,"before I die, I freeze,
Take my heart its only yours-accept, accept me please!"

And you looked at me with dull eyes brown
And stared at me with a little frown
Where-on my knees where I slouched and bled
You looked at me, laughed then said

"You will never be good enough not now, not ever,
You will stay the way you are- WORTHLESS forever,
And here tonight in your own blood you’ll drown
And die with a cold, cold iscicle crown."

And as I sank into the cold
With deaths welcomed grip slowly taking hold
I knew then I was going to die
And sadly, I did too know why

I was pathetic worthless, just never that much good
I ponder, overthink-"shouldn’t, would or could?"
I was never all that good looking or talented at that
And to die would do good, and thats a fact

I awoke from my nightmare
into your ignoring stare
What I had thought was a dream
Was not, but right in between.

My Nightmare was my reality,
My Reality my nightmare...


Details | Free verse | |

My Heart on a String.

My heart is waiting for the day, 
when you choose her over me. 

It knows it's going to fall,
                          
                                     crash,

                                               break, 

                                                          and 

                                                                 shatter. 


Even on this soft carpet floor. 


Details | Free verse | |

Six 'o' Clock News

Acrid thoughts flow from this observer’s savaged mind,
permutations monitored by the auditor
infestation serviced by worldly parasites,
chromatic skin quivers in the shimmering haze
nicotine stained dentine reflex the noon sunlight,
while recorded historic slaughter highlighted.
Redundant talons clasp at a life just stolen
the fallen, amongst the trodden eglantine lay,
proving yet again man the perfect eraser;
yet a deathly silence impales the aftermath
infected only by cries of fidelity,
ghostly images belying their earthly tack,
genetic torment dipped into another’s hate,
alas no chance to make amends for ancient ways!

©   
2013


Details | Free verse | |

Snowfall in my Mind

Winter in my blood colder than this December night, snowfall in my mind gradually turning me into a reptile preparing for hibernation. Deep blue night; her soft lip's warmth, warmer than a matchstick fails to ignite me,my wet mind, some blue melancholy playing with her nakedness. She wraps herself around me like a soft blanket, I can't feel those curves waiting to be melted, only wet and cold flesh of another reptile. No end of this winter night no end of my mind's snowfall, stay away from me now on this cold,winter night under those heavy snowfalls let me go into hibernation. ===================== **Not my story ;)


Details | Free verse | |

Wait, my secret.

My heart sleeps.
I lead it to, tell it to,
Want it to, beg it to. 
Slumbering, breathe 
Painlessly in and out. 
In… and out…
In… and out…
Quiescent, breathe
Painlessly in and out.
Sleep my secret, sleep.


Details | Free verse | |

A Melting Candle Sits

A melting candle Is, atop mine open sill As a refuge through and through What breaks the twilight swill Pierces blackened night And in proxy cries the fiery light A time to oft enflames to flicker Against fighting odds and winds do kill But, the wax it softens flowing thicker Becomes molten liquid, pure As teardrops, drips of life go quicker Falling down, surround a hardening heart As half lit shadows begin to stir Across an ever nebulous mind of sorts And where a solemn figure sits Waiting for return of love's visage Past into waning hours Hoping its presence shall soon pay a visit In the touch of tomorrow's lips


Details | Free verse | |

I am what you are

At the lowest points in life,
Is when it is discovered.
I am consumed by you.
I have lost myself, 
Or maybe I just never knew.

The lights are looking dim these days.
The skies are soaring low.
Visions seem blurred,
Confused completely on what to do.

Days are shorter,
Nights are longer.
I never want to falter.
But I no longer have a shelter.

No safety.
No security.
I am on my own.
I defend only myself.

Who I am,
Has yet to be found.
I am no longer homeward bound.

I let this go.
I slip, I fall.
Its never good enough.

I thought I hit rock bottom,
But I have never felt this low.
How long, how much will I endure,
Before I find something pure.

I am pure, only of evil.
I am nothing better than your enemy.
I can only give back what you gave me.
I am a product of what you have created.


Details | Free verse | |

Alcoholism

Alcoholism, the pariah
feeding on the collapse
of self-control 
befuddling the brain's sensibility;
transforming intelligence
into ridicule.


Details | Free verse | |

Happy Birthday

I am the result of the wrong time
conceived in a moment of passion
two wine soaked minds
upon a fertile field
each combined

In early morn
each to their own way
unknown to either
when their passion died
new life arrived

Too soon discovered
both agreed
it was a mistake
easily fixed
neither could wait

I will never know my father
or loving arms
to hold me near
I have been given a death sentence
with no appeal 
or prospect of a stay

I will be aborted
and flushed away
soon to be forgotten
no one to care
no one to wish me
Happy Birthday


Details | Free verse | |

The Woman Named Fire

The Woman Named Fire

The eternal woman named Fire
Eternal but not immortal
Her life remains a fragile gift
Given by God yet owned by man
Her brightness fills the dark sky
Red, yellow, blue and all colors in between
Her skin evokes romance and fear
The pit is her prison
Struggling to be free she fights a futile fight
She is held captive by remaining embers
Her fingers reach to the skies
Grabbing the air as it rushes up
Hoping to be pulled away from her torture
Rebellion fills the air with sparks and smoke
Parts of her soul being ripped away
Her pain makes her bigger and stronger as she fights
The more she fights
The more of herself is ripped away
But with all the pain
All the torture she never gives up
In the end her spirit is wasted
Destroyed by her efforts
Her body lies as a pile of graying charcoal
Her soul is just the last few whiffs of smoke
Her hopes are the last few burning embers
But alas the woman named Fire is dead
And nothing remains


Details | Free verse | |

Set Me Free

There was a baby happy and free
The apple of the eye of his family
Playing around and hiding in the trees
Whoever thought it’s his last smile they see

Through the darkness of the jungle came
Man-devils whose creation God is to blame
Cut the kid down with lethal shots
His body ripped like a shattered earthen pot

I was the one who led those men
Swooping down from our mountain den
Snuffing out the little flame of his life
My mind, since then, is full of strife

The mother came with her eyes in tears
The sight sent my body into shivers
The boy in her arms looked full of life
The hole in his heart told me it was a lie

The mother laid the baby on my lap and cried
Is this my baby, the one who died?
You’re the one who killed him, you devil in disguise
May Gods curse you, may heavens you despise

Lord! Why did I make this grave mistake?
Why was it this kid whose life I had to take?
Why did I take a life when I cannot give?
Do I have anymore right to live?

I cried tears of guilt and pain
And gave the grieving mother my gun
I told her relieve me of my misery
Kill me before I kill again

The mother said with a sad smile on her face
You have sinned and punishment you must face
But killing you would only set you free
And I will be the culprit to your family

You will suffer everyday of your life
You will bleed lots more than my little child
You will burn in the self hating fire of hell
You will die everyday and live to tell

That day on I’ve cried a million tears
Hating myself for all these years
There’s nothing I can do to escape this hell
I feel I am falling into an endless well

God! I cannot ask for forgiveness please
I cannot ask for salvation
All I ask for is to set me free
From this dreary life full of misery


Details | Free verse | |

Cold Fingers

I look out my window
No longer white and fluffy 
The snow has turned a sickly gray
Much like my mood towards this season of death
Tired of dark clouds and cold winds
The birds are wise to abandon this desolate place
I dream of sunshine and blue sky
Running barefoot across green grass
Smelling the fresh scent of spring breezes
Lazy days of summer accompanied by young lovers
For now I am a prisoner in a cold land
Wrapped in my blanket staring out at the gray
Nothing seems to warm the coldness that has invaded my soul
Old man winter has stolen another day 
I wait and I wait
Time seems to move in reverse
Is there any escape?
Yes
I go to my computer
Warm weather awaits me
Just a click a way
Visions of spring dance in my head
I can cheat on winter
Escape cold fingers
I can fly away to some exotic warm land
Run through Sun drenched waves
Drink umbrella drinks
I can follow those clever birds
I long for this escape
Just four hours away
I arrive at the airport bags in hand
Feeling oppromistic
Then comes a storm
Old man winter refuses to release his icy grip
I look out the airport window
The snow covered runway is pure white
All flights cancelled
A block of ice where my heart used to be
How I long for spring

Winter Be Gone Contest
Poem written January 27th for your contest.


Details | Free verse | |

Picture this

Picture this… Her 1st memory Backward Garfield underwear and a t-shirt A body beneath her completely bare Jerry curls in his hair Into his eyes she stared… Picture this… She jumps up as the front door opens Scurries into the bathroom Dark wood paneling all around her No light; everything is a blur A light fixture with a long string dangling Metal tip on the end hanging… Picture this… A hook latch on the door Clothes on the floor She can’t reach… stands on the bleach On her tippy toes Frightened as the wind blows She has to lock it; she must; but she froze… Picture this… She hears the voices The tap on the bathroom door She’s still trying… her body’s sore The door opens and she asks “Panties on backward?” “Why aren’t you dressed; this place is a mess?” She looks up; fear on her face Her heart continues to race... Picture this… In he walks in only boxer shorts "I told her she could get undressed.” “Hurry up and go clean up your mess.” She just stood there and didn’t say a word Her voice was never ever heard She was just 5 years old Her secret she never told... Lay


Details | Free verse | |

Concealing a Battle

It’s happening again.
Red-hot Guerrillas breaching my porcelain surface,
Angry little bombs exploding, leaving
my land a red war zone,

And I can’t find Concealer,
who has gone A.W.O.L, deserted its place in line,
after Foundation, before Powder.
I send Hands to search the recesses of my desk,
the scattered costumes on my floor.
Their time bombs tick
And I need Concealer for this daily battle.

After the red formations attack my foundations,
they battle against Powder,
forcing my team back to expose my land;
blemished, riddled with unwanted lumps.
A wasteland uncovered,
and Concealer my only defence able to 
hide the scars, the age, this weakness.

I send on the second wave;
Foundations, Powder, Mascara – all charades to
distract the public from my flaws.
Reluctantly I slither out into their gaze,
Exposed,
praying my cover hides what the
snarling, ruthless army
strives to conquer: to
Unmask what I truly am.


Details | Free verse | |

There's Not Much More to Say

Now night hangs heavy
over me.

And meanwhile,
I am alone.
Lost in the past.

Why do I stare at you, in my mind,
with your dark eyes living velvet
in which I lose myself?
My fate's contained in yours.

Let us be extremely frank
and speak the truth about ourselves --
share our anxieties together --
discuss between us what sort
we can't be any longer,what sort
we now desire to be.

Fallen out of love with self-conceit
we shall not regret the loss.


Details | Free verse | |

Fabrication Edifice

They asked me what I wanted
For they would bestow it to me
But to be unambiguous in what I wanted

I wanted a yellow house
Painted in canary yellow
With a neat white trim all over.
With the most triangular angularity
Painted in the queerest brightness of white
In the front wall was to be a huge window
The most mammoth window
Carefully frosted
Depicting a grand piano of majestic magnitude
I would be in there playing, playing, playing
I would be in there playing, playing the piano
All of this would be perched on a biggest hill
The brightest green hill
The brightest yellow sun
All shining down upon me
As I play my piano

I acquired what I wanted
But forgot the tell them
I want friends to play with too
I want people to talk to too
But I forgot
I forgot the necessity of those 
To talk to
Human relationships
I had a yellow house
Neatly painted a canary yellow
With white trim all over
With a roof of the most triangular angularity
Painted the queerest brightness of white
With a huge frosted window
With a great black, grand piano
All on top of the greenest, grassiest hill
All wrapped up for me

But for miles and miles
All around me
No one was there to talk to
All around me was the greenest, grassiest grass
Shining from the buttery sun
They even gave me beautiful flowers
But
They gave me
No one
To talk to

I sat there playing, playing, playing
My heart out
No one was there to hear it
Except the yellow house
The uncharted world outside
I would give
The yellow house
With all the white trim
With all the perfectly angular roof
With the frosted window
With the great piano
With the buttery sun 
With the grassy hill
With the blue sky

Just for some company


Details | Free verse | |

Agony!

With sharpened axe you splice and splice again
Repeatedly you strike
Should I forget your name
You take a rest and burn and ache and swell
Until old familiar returns to bring me Hell
You rage in Devils angry fire
Keep me awake 
I can not sleep through depth of mire
You drill with pressure, 
push, pummel and pull
You drag, drain and dull -
to peace - short while
Praise be!  Amen!...
but not for long...
with wrong move 
or slight of weather
start over again...


Details | Free verse | |

Child Abused

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Free verse | |

In Barracks

Germany, 1964

In barracks bare of beauty,
I lay restlessly in bed. Around, a rife
of lifeless characters
from some Saturday charade
sullenly invite me to their ghastly parade.
I merely pull my blanket higher up
and blatantly yell out "Shaddup!"
A spot of flesh, unknown to sun, itches
so I scratch. Musty curtains run
in dusty ripples on their pulleys.
The room overflows with bullies
but I turn over in my bunk
and choose to spurn,
scratching a spot that doesn't itch.
I glance up; the light bulb top is dirty.
So I reach up, unscrew the bulb,
lay silent in my patch of dark,
and try, vainly, to extinguish
a more persistent spark.
The air around me, reeking of smoke and beer,
is heavy with the weight of discontent.
I lie still, darkly fomenting
an impotent dislike
for atmospheres like this one.
I writhe upon my squeaky cot and dun,
and growl, like some ancient,
burly, and barbaric Hun.
A small important part of me I treasured dies.
Vehemently, I vocalize my intense tension
using interjections "nice people" never mention.


Details | Free verse | |

Raining outside today

It’s raining outside today,
Can’t you tell?

Even though the curtains are drawn tight
And the only sound in this silence
is the echo of a stuttering breath
I know
That it’s raining outside today
And I know it by the gloom in my heart.	


Details | Free verse | |

The Eyes

The Eyes

The eyes so shattered and so blue,
You sit there and you knew
The pain of losing someone close to you,
And you beg for their return,
But a wish so great, can never be granted.

The eyes shattered and blue,
Watch you,
Take the bottle and drowned yourself,
They watch you destroy yourself,
And they know what they do,
Yet they show no remorse, no pain in heart.

You fall asleep
On a dirty mattress,
Held up by broken dreams
And nightmares,
No pillow, no blanket
Just air you float on.
And your blind eyes close in the night,
The dreams come back to haunt you
And the eyes, they watch you,
So shattered and so blue.

Till three o’clock hits again
Wake in cold sweat,
Spiders on webs weaving a nest
In your head,
A cry out for the Madhouse,
Where the eyes so shattered and so blue
Stare at you, through a window with no reflection.

-10/3/2013


Details | Free verse | |

THE MASK OF SORROW

I am sitting in a corner of a dark, empty room.

Asking myself what went wrong...

We were just happy crossing the street last year..

Holding hands of one another until we partways.

Why must this love has to end?

Was it me who you have to blame?

I've loved you with all my soul and breath..

I even surrendered with your embrace.

My world turned only for you,

I almost forgot to breathe when you go.

Why am I alone in this room?

Drowning in tears that you've caused.

Should I end up and stop trying..

and lose myself in a bottle of drinks.

Or lift my head to  face the world...

Wears up the mask of sorrow I fraud.


Details | Free verse | |

To live, flightless birds

A single branch, clawed and pecked, fickle and straining,
Lonely Nestling and father, paw and peck at their home
Lonely branch, spasms in the wind
Nestling and father paw and peck, yearn and whimper
These Flightless Birds, on a fickle branch

Young nestling skitters to the branch’s edge
Peers over on to sightless depths
Shivers, ruffles withered feathers
Spreads tousled wings
And loosens fast aging down
Stretches till overgrown talons graze the edge
Like endless days before, Craning aching neck 
Eyes devouring the scene with a famished hunger-
And whimpers
Turns to father and warbles in longing,
A sight that speaks of flight
Dreams of swimming amidst the clouds
To leave
-slightest breeze carries words...   
to live

The father, neck cramped, tilted, eyes swivelling to and fro
Cooing and cawing, talons pawing
A slight breeze, decrepit feathers hauled away in swarms
A forlorn sight that reeks of abandoned dreams 

Warbling, cooing and cawing, pleading and pawing
Pecking in apprehension, neck swivelling to and fro in exasperation
“To leave father! To stretch my wings
Lift from them the smell of rot and loss
To fly father”

“To fall! To fall, and to die!”

-Wind whispers,
To fall, to soar, and to live
Nestling shuffles to the edge, 
Settles down amidst aching joints and a teetering ledge
Peers down onto sightless depths
-they bellow to him
To fall, to fly, to Die!
Fall and flutter amidst a shower of feathers
Cramping wings crooked and futile
To swirl into freedom carried by the stench of inevitability
To fall, to fly, to die
Little Nestling whimpers, nothing so glorious about death
nothing so glorious without flight...

Whimpers, shuffles forward, talons pricking oblivion
Ruffles feathers, settles down
Nestling wavers, branch bending
Rotting down tickles his beak, claws dig deeper into branch
Eyes feasting on sightless depths
Endless fears...
They scream to him
To sit, to dream to fly...
To sit, to dream of revitalized wings
Stretching across the sky, an unveiling of freedom
The shattering of chains every morning, with a stretch of wings
The exercise of freedom
to sit and dream
to live

to sit at the edge of that tottering branch
creaking and bending under a restless and aging body
peering over into the sky, where fickle wings will not go
and with dreams, with dreams lift off this branch
and fly, where body cannot
and live


Details | Free verse | |

The Fear

The Aphotic rays reach higher
And shame, shade reigns over all
Lacuna, Apathy is all I feel as I fall into the ashed grave
I'm living, the slowest way to die
Elysia, rapture where are you now

What will I do when the flame is extinguished 
What will I do when I drown in ash
What will I do when they sing my name in funeral dirges 
How can this be all, one short organic vitality
Scares to die, but afraid of a new day

Scared to die, but so afraid of a new day
Will I Ressructe to Paradise, burn in Hell, or lay in Sheol
Is this a there is, one feather, to the dirge
My life so long - my suffering grows
Scared to die, but so afraid of a new day

In all of the ashes, a flame begins
Once again, here I am
Living, the slowest way to die


Details | Free verse | |

The Clock is Broken

The Clock is Broken

That clock on the wall in the West,
Broken and lonely collecting dust,
But don’t you worry darling;
Time still ticks away, ticks away
And see where the sun sets
And the moon rises,
Watch those tangled faces try to smile
And you’ll see time fall through a dark hole,
Into God knows where.


Details | Free verse | |

These Walls I Built

Stuck in the prison of my own life,
I dodge behind these walls I built.
And inside is a demon covered in guilt
And shame so thick you can't see his eyes.
God, please help me to see
No matter what, You will always love and be with me.
Thank You Father for everything.
In Jesus' Name,
We pray.
Amen.


Details | Free verse | |

Ruined Eden

Repetitive monotones
Play like a broken piano
Keeping me forever saddened
Until the sound of your intoxicating harp
Flows and stirs me with raw, nostalgic emotions
It fills my once vacant soul with chunks of gleaming euphoria


Breath by breath I absorb its beautiful lullabies
Page by page I rub my eyes and unearth my dusty memories
Rhythm by rhythm I relax and listen as it glistens through its indoctrinating sound

My delight is shattered when your music stops
For within your eternal harp
My bliss is instilled


Details | Free verse | |

for stephanie

this is not what i wanted
this pain in my heart
all i do is wonder
is there pain in her heart
this dark cloud i'm under
follows me day and night
and there's something inside of me
screaming somethings not right
this is not lonliness 
but something new
this is how i feel
when i cannot be with you


(inspired by, "Better, The Devil You Know")


Details | Free verse | |

Ego Vulture

What do you see in the mirror of your reflection? 
your own body, or your own detection? 
or the competition of another...the mindless mind occupy your subjective projector
Confusing, deluding...dreams know more order, dreams show more practical structure
The Ego is your master and you the acute apprentice infecting the weak of reality 
using the close resources to master it's design in your mind
It's built your normality and to question is your own insanity 
Feasting upon your wretched blindfold granting your desires \
it gave you your house, that house in which it made you. 
the fatal awareness that mostly last breaths discover
a touching leap too late too seeped with much too weep 
And by then too little to seek what then shall you do once you see the truth?

Could you even muster your own imagination and destroy natures enemy
Or are you the Anti-persona dripped in your own tragedy rippled and shelled
making a hell of a heaven or a heaven of a hell this is the abundant device 
so rarely fought so quiet like mice so if you unveil this master of tricks 
be sure to find your way out of it like shattered glass you may find yourself 
lost without hope grinding deeper into the oblivion vanishing like air in smoke.


Details | Free verse | |

They

They pronounce to me there is but no ordinary
Then how is it that being dissimilar achievable?
They notify me everyone is diverse
Then is it that being diverse to be ordinary?

They advise to me there is no flawlessness 
But is perfection attainable?
They inform me it is once you do everything acceptably 
So what happens when everything is accepted inaccurately?

They tell me an assortment of things
They inquire about my thoughts
But I have learned time after time to declare to ‘them’:
I want to be the me I once sought


Details | Free verse | |

Mama

Skeletal,
shriveled,
your shell's a delicate, dry
and brittle casing,
soon shed.
Now,
age accumulates and,
exiled and bewildered --
all free choice fled --
death's an unknown terror.
You miss your home,
cannot understand how,
to those who once bent to your will,
you've faded to a shadow,
powerless, almost forgot,
a consequence of the natural order.
Enjoy the moments in the sun,
your food, your precious life's breath
that I listen for at night.
I cling, and mourn your life --
so changed.
Your stroke
has paralyzed us both...
my pity, cloaked in love,
is but another grievous wound
you bear.


Details | Free verse | |

Ons almal sterf alleen

'n Oomblik waardig van afsondering
'n Vreemdeling nie deur ander gesien
Is ons die verlate?
Is ons die verlater?
Lewe in die nag om sy wreedheid te skuil
Hul gesigte belig die skerms
Die rykes maak geld uit dié oorlog
Die sterftesyfer styg
Nog 'n verraaier
Die leuenaar, die patriot
Hoeveel leuens, hoeveel sterftes
Afgemaai soos 'n lam wat geslag word
Nog 'n spook vir jou verlede
Nog 'n gelowige, nog 'n slagoffer
Ken nie die pad van die tou na die vloer
Kyk in die gesig van die wat jou verraai
Jy is die gejagte, die slagoffer, die prooi en die vervalle
Ons sterf almal alleen.


Details | Free verse | |

The Mud, I Long It End

The shadows are nearing their loss
E’en the rays are growing weak
Foams darken as the bolt strikes
A blizzard of drops I fear it is

The prints! How far will thy end be?
Hmm! I see thy mother, her tents-
With depths about she scatters
Thick and sticky they stand judging

Soon fall my hope from whence it hung,
The stream of gums there it may drop
Yet ceaseless my arteries work
Re-tuning my heartbeat’s pounds

Issues cover gold polish-
Like the body that travels white
A curse it stamps on their souls
Sinking the hope they pride on

Quick to fail is my faith for the-
Irony my thought feeds it with
Can only get better, but worse-
It seems and disheartening it is

A once bad experience turns worse
A tale, the promise becomes-
Of a path so good e’en the-
Festival ram would not walk on

Well! Will speak well of what I-
Want and expect that which I long-
For, trusting an appointed-
Time waits it drainage for a new track


Details | Free verse | |

Like the frightened Jackrabbit, I run away from Love

Jump up and down like a jackrabbit
running through meadows
running from what?
Could it be heartbreak,
a venemous snake that hides in the grass,
hiding with fangs ready to pierce the tender skin
upon the tight, bronze flesh of everyday life?
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye now!
I need a vacation a long way away from the faceless smiles
and ignorance of young girls, who don't look at you,
who don't show you love and respect.
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye now,
as jumping spiders hop everywhere, crawling eight legs around me
my soul black like carcoal, but my heart still beating
slower this time, not like the days before
and like the jackrabbit running from anything and everything,
I run to seek love and vanish away from the empty voids
that people call, their souls.
Recording a film with no tape,
talking to a woman you love, but not having the guts to tell her how you really feel
Jump my boy, like a jackrabbit, take my advice
tell her before she leaves
turns down the endless avenues of endless dark love
the trees grow taller, taller than you
and you sit there feeling away yourself die, missing out in life.
I cannot see you lose your love.
Say it, say it, Say it!!! Tell her! Tell her! Build the guts up!
Build up the courage, tell her how you feel. Take her by the hand and never say goodbye! Never say goodnight, stay with her till the flight comes in the morning
of the first rays of sun shine through your dorm room take her and love her!
Do not be like me, the jackrabbit! I see no happiness
Reading poetry it makes me sad,
to write of others falling in love and I never finding the one.
People tell me, you'll find yours, have hope
but I am a frightened little jackrabbit
who flees from sounds of deep emotions, not having courage to fall in love,
not building the guts up to tell her how I really feel.
She walks alone, I find my oppertunity and sing my love song
She smiles and moves on,
please tell me I cannot fight anymore.
All I have to say is Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
I need a vacation
to go to some sandy beach on an island of love
and write and write and write, the same poetry that depresses me
but makes you all fall in love with words!
Fiction about love stories, please kiss me
Blue eyed death comes, plays a game of chess with me
I bet twenty, he bets my soul
Kiss me death, the only love I'll ever get,
besides my poet friends who kiss my ass
Listen to my heart, truely, I don't write of beauty
I write for the sorrow soul, the fleeing jackrabbit
running away from love.....


Details | Free verse | |

Schizophrenic Remedy

I've glanced at heaven.
I've walked through hell.
I wish on stars and dandelions

I crave for fantasies reality cannot satiate
At night I talk to the moon and sing to the stars
I walk on clouds and speak to whispers
I follow faeries to far off places 

Where a bleeding moon hangs from the sky
Where I run along in meadows of black and white roses.
Smiling as the thorns lacerate me.
 Dancing with red eyed creatures
Listening to whispers in the wind.
With this feeling of finally belonging.
Being finally at peace... 
Safe inside, this world in my mind
Lost between reality and time


Details | Free verse | |

My Mama

My Mama she trips out in the moon light
when I’m safely tucked up in bed
she dresses to wow her audience
but I know not of her occupation
when I ask I am greeted by silence
and then “You will understand when you grow up”

My Mama she returns at break of day
before the curtains begin to twitch or draw
she’ll come in exhausted and fix my breakfast
then checking in on me she’ll wake me for school
before she goes off to bed – she’ll see me later
to ask about my day and play

A Mamas kiss, a smile, a hug, warmth, food and a roof
Yet when we go out together people turn 
to talk to one another, quietly nodding
Funny looks are cast our way and yet not one shall speak to us
Aged nine in school I find out why 
when another child will laugh

“Ya Mama works the streets
lies on her back, watches the sky – to feed ya
-Tis what my Ma said”
It makes me cry
I love my Mama
but this shame hurts

I want to die…


Details | Free verse | |

Nesting Doll

Small
Joyful  
Laughter
Delicate
Beautiful
Loving
Tender
A salty tear
A hurtful word
Add an encasing layer
Cautious
Observant
Apprehensive
Forgiving
Forgetful
Curious
Loving 
A loud rip
Another piece gone
Add another hard layer
Ignorance
Dumbfounded
Crying
Sadness 
Wounded
Forgiving
Loving
A twinkle is gone
A star falls
Add a fortified layer
Unbreakable
Black
Insignificant
Ugly
Hollowness
Desolation
Resilience
Layer after layer
Wondering where’s the beginning
Of this Russian nesting doll
Built by life


Details | Free verse | |

Misplaced Smile

And again I looked, I scattered my sight there and here, thoughts just posing in my head “why” people just standing against me, pure innocence of mine just scrambles me, 
And breaks me, “what did I do?’ I ask again and again, 
With no answer, people’s laughter, Laughs, without me, leaving me in the open, cutting my soft delicate tanned skin, 
People enjoying themselves, people that shattered me, those laughs like arrows dipped in venom pointed at my weak spot; my Heart
I ignore them will all my senses, with all my might, shut the door lock and cry
Those tears that nourished my soul and blurred my vision, 
My vision so watery and indistinct. I squeeze shut my eyes, locking the doors to the soul, the tears just escape from my portal-like senses, I open them again, wipe off the tears harshly with my palm.
The door opens; it’s my sister, my beautiful- little sister,
She came, to hug me, to console my killing solitude, with a kiss, so blissful, so radiant; it lit the worlds above me
A hug, so deep, but it wasn’t enough, it wasn’t enough to shed the tears, but it bought the price of a smile on my lips, a ticket to the manner of serenity.


Details | Free verse | |

This guilt will never leave my heart

I watched you burn 
in the blazing fire
I heard your screams
I saw your tears
I knew I should've done somthing
But maybe I didn't want to
I know I shouldn't think like this
But you had it coming
And
I enjoyed your face that was full of horrer
I acted as if I was heartbroken when the police came
They said it wasn't my fault
But how wrong they were
You see
I started the fire
I was the one who watched my parents die
With absolute pleasure
Yeah
I'm in a orphanage
But who cares
Those bastards are out of my life
For good
And I made sure of that
Every night
I try to sleep
I try to forget them
But I am a child after all
They were my parents
And I...and I killed them
I'm cold blooded murderer
I try to do something
Except tell anyone
I may be a child but I'm not stupid
It's been years now
I still can't forget their faces
Their agonizing faces
I sometimes cry to myself
Thinking about it
No matter how many times I want to stop
I just can't
This guilt that I have brought apon myself
Will never leave
Even if I'm dead
It wont stop
Ever


Details | Free verse | |

Stuck

I'm like a lion
Tryin to be  trained
to behave in a cage, but
I wasnt born to be tame
Full of stress and rage
 Im compressed and chained
Infected with depression
beCause I cant catch a break
Lifes taste is so tart
In pain from my scars
Stained by lame luck
Stuck behind apace car
I strive to write
But all I can type is the space bar
I'm Pervaded with doubt
About to freakout
Quick Someone bail me out
I would sniff my way out
but I got this cyst on my snout
From 6 years of this drought
Im sittin with this could of pout
Stickin to me like jam from a can
like melted candy in your hand
I'M a pantree full of Spam
 A Letter without the stamp
A debtor without a plan
Like chicken on a pan without any Pam,
Damn I'm starting to get pissed
 I got to devise a plan, before I break my fist,
Punching this brick wall, I got the spit but no ball
got the wits with no squall, like a toliet with no stall
 Slippin in a pit fall, Shiz just snow balls
I want to brawl, missed last call
My Stick shift just stalled,
This lawl has no intention at stopin at all
And I'm kicking myself in the balls
like old men walking up and down the halls
so i flop, just like a dust mop
Now i got knots in my food box
The size of king kongs rocks and
Every door has been locked
I try to soar but its all for not


Details | Free verse | |

The Piano Stand

I was sitting at the piano stand,
cracking my hands, getting ready to play,
when a man walked in, no one knew who,
he was, because no one had seen him in a while.

He sat in a chair, his hair so blonde and long as could be,
my hand touched the piano key,
I realized it was my dad not that it was bad,
just why was he here, i can't bare to see his face.

I stopped playing,
I started saying,
How mad i am for his fame,
He walked out of the school in shame.

I wondered why he was famous and what for,
He left me and my brothers to be poor,
For some other.

I can never forgive him,
but i'll let him live on in his fame,
for i have nothing to shame.
For i knew he would not claim,
me as a daughter or friend.

I moved my hands from the keys on the piano,
for i have moved on to another Piano Stand.


Details | Free verse | |

Naked holes.

Imagine a life without holes.
An unstable world,a round figure of nothing.
A straight line,smells like ptomaine.
Holes are everywhere,white and black,
polychromatic,pretty and ugly.
Holes that you may fill,other you may not.
They can think,memorize,imagine.
Emotional holes,logical,positional,
in a chessboard,a second before a knight arrives.
Holes in my body,in your body,his or her,
screaming for pleasure,with or without morals.
Living there,breathe,judge the way you treat them.
A hole can kill you,can make you suffer.
They are in brains,in hearts.
In great losses.
When out of nowhere they are born,proud,
captivated eventually,died full of years.
Significant holes,in maps,in history.
They feed on hopes,feelings,aspirations,
organic,inorganic matters.
Holes reborn,only looked at us.
Naked.


Details | Free verse | |

Anti isolation

When against
day’s light 
I tend my sorrows

warming stones
upon my shoulders
lay.


©Kathryn McLoughlin Collins
July 10, 2012


Details | Free verse | |

Will he not

This smell penetrates my senses;
My belongings in hand, I will wait
for the grey faced man to take me.
Solemnly walking into it;
my belongings are in plain sight.
I will wait
for the grey faced man to take me.

In this stale room;
dreary eyes proceed.
Bleak God please, not this soon,
I look through the crack
and wish to believe
that he not humiliate me.
Will he not take me?
Will he not imprison me?

Alas, he has come;
I see him through the crack.

Is my face not red with embarrassment?
Am I not ashamed?
Am I true in this guilt?

Alas, he has come;
I see him through the crack.

Will he not humiliate me?
Will he not take me?
Will he not imprison me?

He takes me now
with all too much force.
Bleak God please, not this soon.
Looking through concrete
my essence is guilt.
Solemnly walking into it;
I have ended my successes,
I will wait,
for the grey faced man now takes me.

Bleak God! I deserve all of this!
My face is red with embarrassment.
Alas, the grey faced man takes me.


Details | Free verse | |

heart heart broken hearts

He loves me
Enticing
All kind and nice
Rapidly growing 
To exciting new heights

He's always there to wipe all my tears
Entrusted with my heart
All the life we may have apart
Realizing the fear
That loves not always here

But fear is dissolved into something stronger
Realizing that love is so awful
Opportunities are gone and so is he
Killing myself is all that’s I’d be
Eternal anguish fills tears in my eyes
No one had seen through all of his lies

He’s gone from my heart and he’s gone from my life
Everyone never saw he was nice
All night and all day
Regret courses my veins
Time is so slow
Suicides where I’ll go 


Details | Free verse | |

unfinished


i’m lost.

wandering my mind, hollow now.

secrets tucked in the seams, invisible to passer-bys.

each step leaves an imprint behind,

dust settling into the crevices left by my toes.

the world empty,

immune to stolen glances between souls and half-hearted exchanges.

peace swept away,

pushed to the side by an old broom of straw and wood.

oxygen dissipates,

I try hard,

harder to breathe.

but all that is left to soothe my lungs

is the empty, grey air,

void of the warmth of shared space
.

sometimes I sneak away

to send a fluid rush to my veins,

entrancing my mind in a fictional fantasy.

alone, I bathe in my secrecy,

cleansing my skin with vibrant truths.


Details | Free verse | |

JSA BLUES

Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Countless jobs for the unemployed. Just search and see. It must be true the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Take any job you can get. Work 80 hours a week. It's for your well being, the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. Take minimum wage if you must. That is all you are worth. You will thank us some day the papers say. This Government would not lie. Reject letter sent by post. Applications online ignored. Too old Too young. Inexperienced. Do not drive. It must be the JSA blues. I have the JSA blues This Government would not lie. The JSA blues. Government would not lie. JSA Blues. Would not lie. JSA blues. Not lie. JSA blues. LIE!


Details | Free verse | |

Walking Without You

I loved when you were there by my side, and I could feel you next to me, 
But it seems that time has gone. 
“Until death do us part” seems to work in this situation, 
You were dead before dawn. 

Preparing for the morrow is one of the most painful things when I don’t see 
you, 
You were always waiting for me with a hug, kiss, and a smile, 
But it seems those days have gone already, I don’t see your face there 
anymore, 
I’ll be walking on the face of the Earth alone for my while. 

I still remember the first time I saw your face when I was brought in this 
world, 
You held me close and loved me and spoiled me. 
When I was sad or afraid, you always embraced me with your warmth, taking 
the fear away, 
I’m just too lonely to stay here, don’t you see? 

You loved me with all your heart, and I never wanted to see you leave so soon,
I loved you more than any petty word could describe. 
Should I keep the memories, or move on and make a new life? 
It’s just too hard and painful to decide. 

I don’t want to forget you, but every time I remember the old days, 
I burst into tears and cry my time away. 
I wanted you to stay here with me until I knew it was enough, 
I wanted you to be here for me, for a little longer, just come back and stay. 

As long as you’re gone, 
I’m walking on my own. 


Details | Free verse | |

Theatrical Life

No drama,
Criticized,
No scene,
Criticized,
No theater,
Critized,
No life,
Criticized,
No death,
Criticized...

A hipnotic spell,
A happy comedy,
An impact of tragedy,
A depressive sorrow,
A constant paranoia,
A living psychology,
A passing psychiatry...

An endless beginning...


Details | Free verse | |

A CRACK RUNS THROUGH IT -- FOR CATIE

Open your mind, glimpse the surreal me
where a history of neglect meets the geography of blue,
there I sink under bracken, hollowed by sorrow,
thoughts become patterns that blind.

The surface is heavy, too heavy to reach or break. 

A child is born a thousand times, a thousand times,
though growth is stifled by kind intentions and our 
reinvention becomes burdened by second chances. 
Love and its relatives cover up cold truths, tenderly.

An hour can hold a year, a decade, and each season
swings in an arch of highs and lows, the pendulum
spooling away time. Cracks, both fine and thick,
multiply, intersect at the heart, yet conceal its sum. 

This page offers a freedom that I claim as mine,
fools, pilgrims, executioners may come, ignite 
their long, winding wicks, but I take this territory
as my own. Put away your red pens, read or go.

I will not apologize for my DNA or the dreams
that I bleed. If I seem dim then, go on, enlighten me
or just travel my sad story and you will realize that

dragons there be in lands I refuse to scorn or forsake.







*For our dear Catie, poet extraordinaire, a quiet genius who is beautiful just as she is and who has always been a light in the Soup with her acceptance, sincerity and compassionate nature. What I have always seen in you is grace and wisdom.

I don’t want a placement.

I just hope that you see that I saw.

Hugs


Details | Free verse | |

An Empty Hole

Barren and cold but never sold
waiting for something to fill up
it's yearning need.

Empty but deep needing someone to keep
it warm and tender to it's needs
while it rests on it's knees.

Like old Mother Hubbard, it always stays covered
hollow and bare, just wanting a stare
to keep the solitude at bay

Just wanting to be warm, wanting another storm
to stop the drought of feeling
like this.


Details | Free verse | |

Left Behind

I’d never ask you to walk in my shoes.
But rather see the world through my eyes.
Take a journey within the mind of the lost, and perhaps you’ll realize 

That my complexity has a depth that even I can’t comprehend.
Scrapping the surface of my own insecurity with the false truths of men 
Losing myself further in them, as they discovered themselves, ensnared securely 
within 

Defiling my temple, disgracing the sanctity of my synagogue, 
Tagging graffiti on my walls, each breaching my foundation, just a little further than 
the one that come before

Robbed of my virtue, raped of my innocence
Embedding their perverse presence into my very essence

Battered and bruised both inside and out.
Pain pierced so deeply turns quiet cries, to silent shouts.

Lost in a whirl wind of my own none existence, longing to find my place in this world.
Trying to mask the hurt of a tarnished little girl

High off of shame, drunken misery,
Each infectious encounter, an intoxicating buzz, which just kept lifting me

Higher and higher until I exceeded cloud nine, 
But everything that goes up eventually comes down.

And as I descended to earth, I saw my reflection,
 in a collage of rain drops, falling from heaven,

I saw a part of me that wasn’t really me tattered and torn, 
I saw the torment of my past within the eye of the storm

Living a life that really wasn’t my own, but instead a long, drawn out game of 
pretend.

The knowledge of knowing a man, before I could ever find myself.
Unwilling giving all that I was until I had nothing left.

Only memories of them trapped in my mind, envisioning their faces every time I 
closed my eyes. 
My childhood fears, they were not make believe, they manifested themselves, each 
and every day.
Forced to play games no child should have to play. 

There was no boogeyman hiding under my bed waiting to penetrate my dreams in 
the still of the night,
 only the phantom that appeared, and brutally attacked in broad day light. 

With the images that often haunted me, and their voices of pure evil that would 
repeatedly taunt me.

I put on pretentious outward disguises, while the inner me was crying.
I tried to move on with my life while, my wholesomeness was dying 

On a quest for happiness, yet sometimes drowning in sorrow
Enduring today and embracing tomorrow.

Now, I’m searching seeking substance, hoping that one day I might find. 
The scared little girl that got left behind.

Chiquita Baity


Details | Free verse | |

What There Is To Be Said of Home

Dizzied by the whirl of crowds
On sidewalks, seen through windows --
Reflected in mirrored, columned walls --
I drink, I eat, I mull and fret, I yearn,
Little lulled by homely music
Softly playing beneath sonorous
Strains of Spanish
(Beautiful tongue, not yet quite my own,
But now not strange to me --
Not wholly foreign.)
I sneak sidelong glances, I peek, I stare.
And I almost always feign indifference:
A pseudo-cosmopolitan air.
I am quiet and excessively polite,
Not yet knowing how to be rude
In this still stiff idiom.
And, I am ever intensely lonely --
Hungry for a caressing, offhand phrase,
Or only a stray familiar word, hardly heard,
Whispering all there is to say of home.


Details | Free verse | |

Sorrow's Drink

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Free verse | |

Cold ice

Ice flower
so cold I cannot touch
but need forces my exposed finger tips
and i brush them against your crystal petals
and bitten skin comes off willingly
to cling to your cold disregard;

Ice flower
frozen as you are
even this hot desert wind
seeking to slice your bitter air
and melt away droplets of beauty
from your seductive petals
but oh seduction and its lure:
my hot breath comes fervent and warm
but I do not draw back into my lungs cool favor
No, your crystal buds do not yield fresh melt water
to sate this parched throat

No, my breath comes back short, sharp and shivering
As if the unforgiving hand of winter
had battered my very heart away
and the cold wind gusts back into my lungs
and shrouds my heart
slows the pumping of heated blood
and leaves only a brittle casing
of cold ice.


Details | Free verse | |

Side By Side

Oh it's a beautiful night!
The moon is full
And the stars are glowing
While the trees, with Earth's cool summer breeze
Start slowly blowing...

A campfire's flames are burning so bright
While a young couple holds each other tight
Warming their hearts, as these two lovers embrace
Traveling together, through time and space
Oh how tonight, with their love, they won't hide
Two lovers forever, Side By Side

Under the stars, both of them lay
They've been together, happy, all night and all day
Holding each other, a sweet caress
While green grass stains her pretty white dress
But no words, to each other, do they say
Happy just sitting Side By Side, knowing no other way

Gazing up at the stars
Breathing in the night
Them together with nature
A beautiful sight

All the years they've both struggled
And how they cried 
Has led them here tonight
It matters not now
As they'll lie here forever, Side By Side


Details | Free verse | |

Bad Day

Today is a miserable day
Seemingly operatic in nature
But I feel it deep within me
I feel this void building up inside my chest
A malignant emptiness
The cause of my shallow breath

My tears dry in their ducts
Dapper attire cannot hide the discomfort
No one should see my pain
For any vapid empathy towards me
Would do nothing
But fuel this pernicious attack on my soul


Details | Free verse | |

A Chance Encounter

A Chance Encounter A chance encounter the other day Got me chatting to a stranger Just for some time to pass away. He was very well groomed, very smart. Spoke well too, seemed a decent sort. I told him a little tale I had learned whilst at work. Outside a building that’s up for sale Close to the centre of the town A queue of people gathered. Old clothes, hand me downs. Inside people of good heart and souls Were behind tables long. And a kind of soup was poured into bowls. A slice of bread was added to each one poured. As the hungry-eyed came through the door. As each one passed a thank you was heard. Grateful for the meal today. A simple reply least we can do. All was silent no complaints from the poor. Till a young voice said, ‘Please Mummy I want more.’ I sat back in my chair waiting for a reply. The guy opposite gave a big sigh. He said, ‘Things were tough in those days Very hard for the poor in the Victorian Age. They were ignored, did not count, How could others treat them like that?’ No-one should be without the means I say, To feed and clothe their children today. I looked at him and shook my head. My dear friend you misunderstand The tale was not yesteryear or a foreign land. I visited a local food bank the day before last. And like you I was taken aback. Unless with my eyes I had seen, The myth about scroungers I would still believe. Some get the dregs, others get the cream. This is Great Britain in 2013. But the people of our Nation are strong In times of strife they speak as one. ‘We are mighty as Caesar, mighty as Rome.’ ‘ NI CARBORUNDUM BASTARDORUM’


Details | Free verse | |

shattered sky

The Star ignites the lonely sky
placidity of the moon is broken
tears like raindrops falling from my eyes.
words are no longer heard.
Distance delays and destroys
... ... but your presence is still felt
amidst the gloomy night.
Hurt my heart and take my life.
My living beauty will haunt you
in your formidable grey years,
till we meet in the graveyard...
....

.Redfiery copyright 2011.


Details | Free verse | |

Birthday Wish

Spring comes,
Bringing novel flowers
To this multicolored Earth, 
A really wretched place actually,
If you know the awful truth about it

Spring leaves, 
Taking some flowers with it, 
Bestowing freedom 
Upon these fortunate plants

Seventeen springs ago,
An ordinary flower blossomed 
On this cursed land.
The worst of all curses,
Life,
Placed on this pitiful plant 
And a fate worse than death

Seasons flew by
And the flower withstood 
The immense force of the elements,
Debilitated by great adversity
Brought by the years 

Now with spring close by, 
If fate shall allow,
Hopefully this spring, 
This dying flower will perish. 
Its roots turned to ashes
And carried by the winds of freedom
To the promised eternal paradise

Rebirth
A garden greets my eyes
With its breath-taking beauty
And my suffering dies


Details | Free verse | |

A Product of YOU

I am a product of everything you didn't do You are the white powder on my top lip As my body shakes and shifts Praying this will help my spirits lift Just a product of what you didn't do All I think, all I say, all I do The way I fall over and over again For the same no good  dude Knowing he'll beat me till black and blue I am a product of you Each time I look at a reflection of me A helpless version of you Is all I see Yet, Another cracked product of you Still searching, I look as if hooked On the natural curve of my blood stains lips Layers of clothes Hiding my natural born gifts Ripped pants over my bruises And heart shaped hips I am a battered version of you Each step I take is magnified Hiding the pain I bare inside Because of all you didn't do I walk with broken dreams and head held high A Broken heart Pumped with fake pride Infected with love lies  When reality is I just wish I'd die I am a broken product of you How about when I'm hit Or The way I scream When beaten and kicked And especially how my mind goes numb When mutilated and stripped All a product of what you didn't do You are the pain in the bottle I sip The liquor smell ingrained on my lips The reason I lose my grip On reality... I am just a fallen product of you You are the girlfriends I don't have And the only male companion I do You are the reason I'm cracked, now shattered Yet, you are my glue I am a defective product of all you didn't do Yet, the question still remains Who & where are you?  Lay


Details | Free verse | |

Could You Hear Me?

Ignorant questions you asked
While requesting in return intelligent answers

A pillow of tears I cried 
But only for awhile

Yet instead my heart was beating like a hammer beats a nail
And I was slowly decreasing like a paper being filed

Into shelter I would hide
Behind doors I cried
Over the  phone I denied
And  inside I died

As if hanging up in my face weren't enough
You left me no choice, but to fall asleep with your 
Thoughtless and careless words

The constant need to be in control of everything and everyone 
I closed my eyes to hold back those tears
Those tears that were trying so desperately to break through

But steadily they came running down my face
Like I was pouring water down a drain

But did you hear me
That language that I spoke

I was talking out loud to all the distant ears
I begged you to lower your voice
But you were to busy screaming at me to hear

You see I constantly found myself apologizing to you
Not believing that I had a right to my own opinion
And that I had a right to be loved and respected

I cursed at times, You kept me mad
And then most days you left me sad
But could you hear me
Could you take my point of view for once
After all that was said and done

My heart was aching and my soul was breaking
A little attention, Like a baby crying out for its mother
Is all I asked of you

Only to hear you speak your truth of belief
And then hang up in my face with a gasp of relief
As if my voice was killing you

When I defended myself , I never knew what I would face
Never knew how you'd react, But I was acting on faith
So I took that leap of faith, I didn't know what else to do
But thank God I found the courage to stand up to you

You made it seem like we were in some game
And half time conversations is all you could spare

Yet like a mother in the midst of labor
I bared all the pain, You couldn't bare

But I had to speak out 
My silence had to be broken

Words shattered at that moment
Shock encountered ones face
Something that never happened before

I would not pretend, That all was well
But you weren't listening to me, I was talking to myself

When I poured out my heart to you sincerely
You belittled me, cursed me, degraded and ignored me
Picked and devoured me like I was poultry

You took me through so much misery
You see this lonely faucet, Only runs so deep
But I found the strength to break free, finally

I wanted to be friends but I remember too clearly 
Just how it was in the past, When you couldn't hear me



Details | Free verse | |

The Last Great Day

10/13/12
-----------------------------------------

The words of God are a great comfort The day—the Last Great Day—depicts judgement That will come upon everyone equally God hasn’t even begun to work With the mass majority of the world But His glorious salvation is revealed to all But for all to hear, The spiritual component of God Will be added to their thoughts —their ears will open They will have the opportunity to repent There will be judgment For those who really long to change, Doors will be open For those who choose their own way, He will throw into the Lake of Fire with Satan —a most merciful action For any way except God’s is the path leading to evil And in due course to anger, Sadness and death Those who choose to be gone Will be gone Many will weep and mourn… Until the day of Judgment, Prepare Once you receive the knowledge of the truth Practice it For you will be held accountable For your sins God will not overrule our human will He wants us to choose And continue to choose Not all names will be seen in the Book of Life I will be among the weeping
*inspired by John Anderson* -a special thanks to Charles Henderson for helping me edit this piece. It looks so much better now! Thank you!-


Details | Free verse | |

Thought's from a lonely man

What's wrong with me 
why couldn't I be that
star in your sky everybody
tells me  I'm a good man 
but nothing good ever 
happens for me they always 
turn their backs when I need
them most but i lost
all hope on happiness it's
just not for me and that's
the way it always been the
truth hurts but I won't run 
from it I face it and try to 
overcome it, because my 
hearts strong doesn't 
mean it can keep taking 
this abuse I put it through 
maybe one day I'll find my
peace until then I have no
choice but to live this lonely 
life


Details | Free verse | |

The Anatomy of Darkness

Darkness envelopes me,
Folds in all around,
How beautiful is the blood that spills,
Again, and again,
And again.
I wish I could crawl back,
Into that corner of mine,
And feast upon the white light of others,
For my light is only grey,
I’m falling,
Falling, falling,
But I still don’t hit the ground.
Hear my scream,
As droplets of salt roll down my cheeks,
I crawl fiercely out of my corner,
That corner which always gave me comfort,
Risking everything,
So that when I fall again,
I will fall up,
Fall up into the light.


Details | Free verse | |

hello I'm here

Hello I'm here 
less than 10 miles away
Your supposed too be my family 
but yet you won't give me the time of day
You pass by my house on the way to get gas or to the store 
but yet you won't take 5 minutes too come up and knock on my door

Hello I'm alive
You can pick up the phone and call 
I wait day and night but not one ring at all
Everyone changes their numbers but no one gives it to me
I'm guessing that is because it's how you all want it to be

Oh hi there I see all of everyones online post. 
I see one uncle now a grandfather of twins also, congrats about that
one cousin bragging about track, another being a sisterly brat
a aunt who is having troubles of her own and scraping just to get by
Everyone pushes me aside, black sheep I've always been not sure as of why

Hello family I thought I was supposed to have
You have all forgotten about me but I have not you
I have nothing to offer nor food hardly in my house 
but I will pray for each and every one of you and hope that you dreams come true


Details | Free verse | |

Nobodies Home

The walls resonate like the inside of a brass bell. Footfalls act as the clapper bouncing sound like a ping pong ball from wall to wall. The antique oriental rug with its dragon vase had long left, the black enameled troche no longer lit the floor in puddles of orange light. Hollowed out, the place was…. scooped like a cantaloupe free of the seeds of man, of childish laughter and parental spats. Dust bunnies scurry in the late afternoon through the sunlight from dirty window panes. Spiders weave webs in the corners of long forgotten dreams… Soon, all too soon, this will be the case, the leaving will come footfalls will lead to the last closing, the brass doorknob will no longer reflect my face and the emptiness will fill with the dreams of a new family...


Details | Free verse | |

Alone --- chorus ---

So seal the windows shut,
Don't let anything get in,
Or out, you need,
Your silent complexity now,
Lock the doors,
Dont let a soul in,
Cuz this is your,
Sanctuary, safe place to be,
This is your one home.


Details | Free verse | |

I wish it would rain

I carry the weight
of an ocean,
behind a hue fashioned
for the burden,
but no water falls.
Cracked Iris temper,
sketchy, dwindling trigger;
Salting my wounds.
Parched cacophony whispers.
No sounds,
only a bitter, restless miracle.
I wish it would rain.

-James Kelley 2014, All rights reserved.


Details | Free verse | |

Running Away

Tendencies intensify
To end a life that's full of lies
Without a thought was forced to hide
Sick and tired to win the prize

Burdens weighed down
Patience submerged
Determination disappears
Given up the war inside
Thinking its the end of the line

A place to survive is not what we see
Its in the arms of a Healer where we can confide and be free
As we conform to the world salvation sets apart
Resolutions forced us to run away and pull the gun

Make up the mind and understand
His perfect love cast out all fears inside
If love is clear and heart is open
No need to run away and die


Details | Free verse | |

My Sweet

A shattered piece of heart was left
Five thousand miles away.

Skin into skin dissolving,
Lip into lip compressing,
Breath into breath embracing,
Word into word caressing,
Thought into thought regressing,
Pain from another pain depressing
The lonely being craving nearness
From the other.

What is a cake without the sweetness?
What is a sheet without the words?
What is eternity compared to
The second of pure love?

Nothing.



Details | Free verse | |

words

What is the point of hurting and laughing
Over and over my mind is reacting
Remember the time a cruel word was said
Don’t you remember how I looked at you, dead
Stop harassing, stop laughing

What is the problem with saying something kind
Over and over I ask in my mind
Resisting the words of hate is not easy
Doing upon them, the knife is so greasy
Stop what you are doing your causing much harm

Wringing my hands, as the warm blood drips
Over my arms, under my wrist
Racing thoughts, oh what have done
Dragging myself to the nearest telephone
Somebody help me I don’t want to die

Whining sirens scream in my ears
Oh I cant see a thing through all of my tears
Racing ambulance flying through streets
Doctors stand over me
Soft words reach

What will happen, will this be my day
Oh what have I done, daddy forgive me
Racing doctors, saving my life
Dropping heart rate, oh god I’m going to die
Say something doctor, will I be okay oh thank god this isn’t my day


Details | Free verse | |

Inspiration: our Daily Bread of Life

Inspiration is all around me.  It swirles in the midst of darkness and deceit.  
Blinded by dry tears...the deliverers of this blessed word find me when I know not what to look for or where...
I and my kind walk in circles looking for and end to pain, deceit, betrayal, unlove, uncareing.  We are looking...but not invane.  

When the circles we walk in seem endless take heart and know that it is not a downward spiral...  Keep looking and you will see...  
     (C)....Catherine Buchner    2012
















Details | Free verse | |

WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS

implicated for a crime he did not commit

fighting an endless and hopeless battle 

unsure of who conspired aganist him

guilty of being black

innocent soul forced to be corrupt

mind racing and searching for relief

heartbeat slowing down

raped and tortued by inmates and guards

forced into a world where hell is home

wanting nothing but a fair trial

tears turn to rage while days turn to years

no visits no commissary thrown into confinement

four grey walls no bed naked and alone

marinating in feces while surviving on dirty urine

fed humility on a tray of spit and sperm

why does the system fail us

so many innocent lives wasting away 

living and lost on the green mile

once an everyday working man

now becomes a man's woman

violated in mid-evil ways

betrayed by his flesh and blood

wanting to end it all now

just to be free once again

living inside his world of what if's

escape is through his prayers

life leaves him to die a slow death

alone and afraid of what lurks outside

having to swallow more than his pride

looking forward to that fateful day

when the needle filled with hate

will slowly enter his veins

and take him away




Details | Free verse | |

Christmas 2009

Recession made Christmas harder than ever before
Family’s splitting – money the core
Dad’s leaving to live on the street
So that young hungry mouths are able to eat
That some extra cash might be in the house
and children might learn what Christmas is about?
But without Dad gone, roof would be lost
for the bills are much higher – we can’t meet the cost
No longer can the average family budget
2009, jobs lost, even working struggle to afford it
Commercialism needs to stop building hopes and dreams
Childern don’t understand you are busting at the seams
Disappointment reigns as kids outside taunt and tease
No longer we fit in we’re all on our knees
Sinking. Even love has fallen apart
We don’t want this Christmas just haven’t the heart!
Expectation lower, depressions set in
Politicians not helping the hole we’re all in
Instead raising taxes they’ll crucify more
and this miserable life could be at your door
Will someone tell them that family should be together
sharing love, life, hopes dreams whatever they weather


Details | Free verse | |

life now

the life that you have now 
is the one you will cry over when you are removed from it 
it happens that many lives are taken 
away from the now and when we lived 
the can’t grow fast enough is bicycle hard to catch up to 
crispy in leaves, and, bare under the bark


Details | Free verse | |

Death

Death had come.
Death had killed.
Death had left.
Death had taken my friend.

The only one I trust.
Leaving me here alone, 
Depressed.

Death had come.
Death had killed.
Death had left.
Death had taken my family.
 
The fire burned our home.
Turning them into dust.
Burning loneliness into my heart.
Quieted.

Death had come.
Death had killed.
Death had left.
Death had taken my life.


Details | Free verse | |

Rain

The rain fell down fiercely today.
Washed the trees and washed the birds,
the cars that slowly passed by,
And washed the red roofs of houses in town.

It just couldn't wash away this sorrow,
this inate, nevergone feeling of being alone.
My lips move but what do they say?
not a word from what runs within.

And I always hoped that like salt
the rain would melt it all away,
releasing the heavy lid upon my chest.
A naive expectation,
A silly childish mistake.

For I will die misunderstood,
I'll surely die being betrayed,
No doubt I'll die trying to mend
my full of hope, broken, bleeding heart
that 's been always as heavy as the rain that fell down today.


Details | Free verse | |

Battling Addiction

The white dragon hunts you.
With eyes of a predator, ever watching.
Waiting in the dark shadows to strike.

I have chased this dragon before.
For he has haunted me, as well.
Many a lifetime ago.
That you did not know.

There is terror in my heart.
I want to scream, run!
But you will not hear me,
Over the roar of his breath, 
or the promise of more.

Your choice binds you to the chase.
No spell I can cast will be enough to save you,
Beautiful boy.
I can only stand here,
 and watch, 
as this dragon looms 
over your poisoned mind, 
and weakened body.

You are running out of time.
The chaos is closing in.
Gripping you tighter every time.
I cannot stand to watch.

My heart dies a thousand deaths.
You must run.
Please, I beg of you, for all you are beautiful boy.
I don't want to watch you slip into the past,
As you fall prey to the dragon.
Run!!

GypsyofEssence


Details | Free verse | |

Embers of a dream

Lord, I don't understand.
Maybe I never did.
The destination of the path seemed so grand,
yet now it looks horrid!

Why?

The dragon You've placed, mine to fight
still breathes fire and brimstone in my neck,
but I'm armoured with incapability to smite
and the cobblestones You paved lead to this wreck.

Why?

I dreamt of the moon,
but couldn't reach the stars,
so I drifted into the sun and soon
I would be burnt with scars.

Why shroud my mind with dreams of peace at daylight's bend,
yet shred it with horrors at night?
Why let me pursue a rainbow when 
there never was an end?

The past is bathed in murky waters
and clothed in miry clay.
Now the future looks no better
and mere words can't express what I wish to say.

Lord, here I lay at Your mercy,
angry and heartbroken.
You don't make mistakes and You set free.
Please, I beg be my beacon!
Loose the shackles,
break the chains
that I may serve You again.
Show me the true way You planned,
for I have reached the end of this one.


Details | Free verse | |

Survival Strategy

Each day he felt the distance growing,
separating him from where and whom
they thought he should want to be.
Though he was adrift in the currents
of prevailing winds, he felt the pull
of strong undertows -- and he didn't know
to which he should acquiesce
or against which he should struggle.
He neither acquiesced nor struggled.
"Didn't he think he should shave,
shower regularly, get a hair cut, lose weight,
shine his shoes, change clothes, and show up early?
Shouldn't he set an example?"
He wanted to imagine a "but" to refute
apparent logic, could do no better
than to scribble description
which drifted across the pad,
influenced by other undertows.
He tried to last, having once believed
in the universal flux, but could no longer.
Finally, he avoided mirrors and others' eyes,
kept to the rooms' darker corners, and
no longer engaged in conversation --
not even with himself.


Details | Free verse | |

White Noise Mind

Unfolding in the dark hours of the night
Antipathies leak from the mind of the youth 
Sleep has left the trembling body
The brain pending in the antique tempos of lives inexpressible
They are noises, vices, barreling in the depths of awareness
Neither recognized nor void of remembrance, they converse
The various volumes crescendo to high peaks, then subside
The youth buries her head into the gentleness of her cushion
She can’t make out who they are
The disembodied voices grow faint, realizing their effect
As the static sets in and wails a constant A flat
And the youth closes her deep-set eyes
No one else can hear it
She never remembers them fully
Till the night fiddles its way inside her heart
Caressing the crude conversations
Trying to listen and love them,
She can only make out a few arbitrary words
The rest of the noise is tempered, blurred, wrestled, and meddled
She longs for a deep, peaceful slumber
But the aching of climbing clamors of numbers
Elevates towards infinity in the wasteland of her thoughts
These thoughts are not hers!
Whose are they?
They are trapped in a cruel electrifying box for all time
And somehow their conversations are still alive
Somehow in this weakened mind
They powerfully thrive


Details | Free verse | |

Plastic Gestures

The trash has been removed by wind and truck, by hands much smaller and, hearts much larger than his. The twinkling lights no longer shine on the tree or in my eyes. Scourer of malls, hunter of treasures magpie to the crownless king, reveling in his “just” deserts? The cold, meaningless, plastic gesture of his disregard lay under the barren Xmas tree, barren, as his love for me. His treasurers piled high, exquisitely dripping with each memorized desire, truffles melting on his thoughtless tongue, scrapbook memories litter the pointless horizon. Soon, he would attempt to hurl three decades of subservient gestures out, out like the small flame of love left, in the empty space which was my heart.


Details | Free verse | |

Welcome To Living Death

There comes a point in time
Where nothing matters
Where your vision is blurred
Where there's nothing but darkness encircling you 
Where love has lost and Fear has won. 

There comes a situation when you realize your hopeless,
lifeless, faithless, graceless, breathless, and  mindless 
mind has taken over and won. 

Where happiness is feared and sadness is embraced. 
 
Welcome to living death. 


Details | Free verse | |

ONE WAY

The sun is lost to stardust
Troubled mind at play
Early morning dark hours
Make it a long, long day

Thoughts play on a seesaw
Swings on oiled chains
Merry-go-round is coming up
Heads goes round the game

Precious sleep evades me
Monkey mind the way
I seek for understanding
Words from another day

The hint of things amiss now
And all is not the same
No words that pierce the darkness
Feelings guide the train

Don’t want to be a fool here
I’ve done that one before
I see the den door open
A rug lays on the floor

I’m going to lie down now
To find a mind of peace
Put to rest these feelings
I walk a one way street. 


Details | Free verse | |

Inspiration

I cut.
I cry.
I write.
I bleed my art.
My art bleeds me.
What is it without me?
For I am nothing without it.
My beauty lies in open cut veins
bleeding fragile life across the floor
vexing my mind confessions of secrets
caged inside, set free in that moment.
And the words bleed from my fingers
across the pages of my poetry, so
I dip this quill in my own blood,
and I feel those words there 
waiting to be discovered,
pressed to paper.
I write.
I cry.
I cut. 


Details | Free verse | |

The Hole in my Soul



I dug a hole in the backyard last night.  
When I started digging I was thinking about death
Perhaps I would just lie down and die,
But then I realized it was not for dying but for living.
It was designed to remove the cancer from my soul
It was a gold mine… destined to be excavated by me
So I took off my clothes and rubbed myself down with gasoline.
I was hard and lean and if I stood just right in that pit I could feel the ashes

I lit my hair on fire and watched it burn
I had no fear.
Not even a tattooed tear for I new it was meant to heal.
As the flames got closer I lowered myself to the ground
And took on a depreciated yoga pose that would heal my soul
Crouching fool
Squatting idiot
Something more irreverent than Judas standing before the cross

As the daylight broke over my dreams I realized that I was paralyzed
A heliograph in the sky stared down on me
Daring me to look back.
Blind yourself and wrap yourself in barbed wire.
Walk down the hall sideways
Know no fear
Heal thyself fool.

I will do this every night, night after night,
Until I find the truth.
This is the end and I have no place else to go.
It is the last place to measure out my life.
Keep digging
Or stop?
That is the question they ask all the losers.
Me I am going to keep on digging
Because this hole is all I have.

As published in the Taj Mahal Review Vol.2, Number 2, DEC 2013


Details | Free verse | |

Misery

Before you read this poem, I would like to state a few things.  First off, I am not suicidal. I 
have never tried to end my life, nor do I plan on trying to end my life. I grew up in a house 
where my parents argued, and screamed on a daily basis, sometimes well into the morning 
hours of the day.  There were days where I slept outside in a sleeping bag because it felt safer 
then my own bed.  For those of you who are parents, or want to become parents, i would 
like to let you know that there is more then one way to abuse and neglect your children.  
Words can have the an impact on your children far greater then any blow or punishment ever 
could.Since this poem was written 5 years ago, I have moved away from that horrible house; 
however, some things can not so easily be forgotten.

Misery Hopeless, crushing, darkness, despair You know not what pain your words inflict The poison noise that pierces the soul Day in and out Over and over Never ending Why do i deserve such torment Is death the only escape from this waking hell I'm bound to this, not with chains but with fear An inescapable prison The only shelter, my pen and paper. My friends through which happiness seep into this wasteland To hope for peace that will not come. I close my eyes I wish away this hatred and violence but it will not flee Do i have the strength? Can i make it on my own? Can i break free and fly Or will fear keep me bound in shackles and chains Till sweet death is the only release.


Details | Free verse | |

Softly

Whisper to me softly
Of happily ever after
Whisper to me softly 
Of the next chapter
Whisper to me softly 
Of spring and of rain
Whisper to me softly
Of all of your pain
Sing to me softly 
Of the steady cold rain
Sing to me softly 
Of hate and shame
Say something softly 
Whisper
Sing
Say something softly
Of anything but me


Details | Free verse | |

Lonely Man on Park Bench

Winter snow falling

cold breezes blowing

blanket off him, as he

tries desperately to sleep.

Such a lonely man is he,

never thinking it would

happen to him, but

could happen to any one of us

at any time.  He once had

a family and many friends, but now

he is too proud to turn to any one for help.

He looks up at the old bridge

up above the raging river, thinking of

taking a walk up there and ending

it all, but hesitates for a moment

and tries to get some sleep,

maybe tomorrow things will be

better, can't be any worse.

Written 7-22-11


Details | Free verse | |

The Thoughts that Wake You

Do you know what it's like to scream
so silently at night
as your chest caves in and your gut
pulls into itself.
A pressure rises and rises in your chest
bursts past your lungs and up your
throat and your jaw trembles as it
tears open,
but other pressure tries to close it.
But then, no sound comes out.
Agony is silent as she screams.
Like the sobs you hide in your pillow
and the tears that stream so silently
down your cheeks,
and the shaking in your body
is the only betrayer that you are awake.
But it is night, you are under the covers
they're hiding you and the sorrow
smothered by silence.
Do you know what it is like to scream
without a sound?


Details | Free verse | |

Suicide

When they found you it was too late
Standing there they saw a twist of fate
The days to follow so somber
Gave everyone something to ponder

Your pain was too much to bear
Thinking life was so unfair
A loving soul crushed so young
The hearts of your family forever stung

A baby now without a father
Her life a story with only one author


Details | Free verse | |

I Hate This 10-13-08

the walls are closing in...
im screaming...
but i cant let anyone hear me...
no one can hear me...
no one should hear me and try to save me...
that would only hurt them...
they need to stay away from me...
i need to stop hurting them...
i hurt so many people...
i need to stop screaming for help...
i need to suck it up and deal with the pain...
i need to stop being a wimp and randomly crying...
i need to stop...
i should give up...
i need to give up...
i want to give up...
but i cant...
that would hurt the people i love most...
that would hurt them more than anything...
so i cant give up...
i want to...
but i cant...
so i gotta suck it up and deal with it...
i gotta keep praying...
i gotta keep hoping...
i. need. help.


Details | Free verse | |

Let Me Rest

As I lie here
a thousand ugly faces fill my mind,
haunting,
taunting,
screaming my name.
Confusion mingles panic
as I strive to understand
all these thoughts and emotions
whirling in my head.
Going round in circles
I never reach the end,
and as I close my eyes,
they scream my name again.


Details | Free verse | |

Usted siempre tendra mi corazon

Tears fall from my heart
with pain filling my eyes
Grasping on to the past, 
realizing our present and future no longer exist
Gone with the courage I had to stand, to smile , to laugh
the love shared between
taken by another
though I knew that time would come
I couldn't prepare 
Now I lay reminiscing of what was 
Knowing that IS is a thing of the past
Ignorant to the ticking clock of our love
who's arms has reached death
as the final tick booms through the air
signifying the end of forever
the end of your love and the beginning to another
Lurking in the back of my mind
wondering how her love can even compare to what I have for you
The lasting competition of life and love never seems to halt
Just as the pain wont cease
As my emotion fills the paper, I leave with less of me
Putting aside a section of my heart for you to keep
Knowing she can't give you all that I can
My love shall stay, along with my hope, spirit, and soul
waiting to feel your love again.


Details | Free verse | |

New Generation of Freaks

an invalid
an invital
cast a clearing on
could not only part a sea, 
but more likely the trees
big bad mountain splitter
clear a path for me please

hid away in slums of heaven
formed a gang of impressionable heads
fools didn't know that they were dead
but cried to the pain of phantom wings

sunset diver
karmic debt collect
hunting me down for
great crimes than might exist punishments for
though no one ever said
that gods weren't creative

an invalid 
an inculpable
voodoo dolls

voodoo dolls
with voodoo minds
and time after time
are oh so willing
to prick themselves with any old needle and pin
drawing in...


Details | Free verse | |

The Darkening Storm

as rain begins to fall from the sky
my forgotten memories make me cry
I feel forsaken and I don't know why
my entire body begs to die
as tears slowly fall from the sky

the rain comes down harder still
and I force down a bitter pill
a pill of sorrow and regret
of all the fears I've never met
of what I should have always been
all just memories in the end

the sky blackens with the storm
and I begin to slowly mourn
everything that has been torn
my heart, my soul, is all forlorn
as I darken with the storm

near the end of the day
the rain begins to ebb away
but the darkness lingers still
and I wonder why, until
I realize with a start
that the darkness is my heart


Details | Free verse | |

Falling Stars Disaster

My soul flows as powerful as the current of this life that I'm lost in
Sorrows are what they call them, tucked away in my heart still
In this life we will fall some, but we must rise above the struggle
I have been judged and convicted in a courtroom,
and I will still shake the hand of the Judge still
I am torn apart and destroyed by My sins they have crushed me, 
I am lightheaded from the loss of blood and the unexpected loss of loved ones
I hear the calm before the storm and yes we will feel the sound of thunder
I've been familiar with the visitation of storms and dealt with them since a young age
I suppose I got more than just power from the struggle
In the moments of silence, I think about the defeats I suffered from these battles
Here I go stepping into another as ever courageous and defiant in the face of fire
I don’t know if it’s the devil who does it or if its just the consequences that derive from my poor choices
I will prosper and receive my portion from the Lord of course I will
I carry my shield of faith like a force field
All doubts cloudy thoughts and the devil will be forced away
I ‘m fortunate I can say it. 
Without even the slightest hesitation
Im a legetimate son of God I pass this test here
I have sinned and I will die for my sins and
I walk too far out on the limb and I broke the branch man
I fall off and hallor and the echo of my voice causes an avalanche

Disaster****Disaster***

Falling Stars Disaster*****


Details | Free verse | |

Reprimand

Still, chimney birds emerge,
cobweb-coated, darkly blithe --
to skim the sky's inverted
bowls of purple porcelain
and to utter their gray-tinged
raucous cries at evening:
a reprimand...and sorrow...


Details | Free verse | |

Myself

Why does a heart break?
And why must it always happen to me?
You must suppose that I am not true to myself
How can I be genuine if I do not know myself?

The judgment I place on me is more hurtful than yours
I spare no cruelty in the mirror of life
I am unrelenting in the retrospect
I live in fear of myself


Details | Free verse | |

Lessons of History

Oh
I remember history well --
the ancient guidelines --
the lessons repeated,
the dramas reenacted:
the dates, of course,
were of no import;
catching the drift of things,
that was the art.
Languages change, seasons wane.
People experience all the old pain.
What happens now?
What happened before?
Lessons of history
are writ on the walls --
they peek out from thousands
of toilet stalls
where Kilroy once sat.


Details | Free verse | |

The Middle Born

The Middle Born
By: Tyner Twine 

Shaking hands, pains unexplained,
I struggle forward without regret
my body and soul betrays me instead
The Shadow casts its veil; I can't be free
And I became a child once again before Thee
Every skip and beat of this heart in pain
And every pang of anxiety
Leaves me in the mercy of the unseen Deity
Leaves me vulnerable, oh so vulnerable
To keep reliving this past as the child, so pure and gullible
Born second of the three, 
Born to be a  wild spirit, born to be free
Heart so freely giving, this dreadful side of me
Desperate to be loved, the blasted blinded innocence 
Betrayed by blood and lover and friends
And I became, at the end, nothing but dead.


Details | Free verse | |

Homeless

Please help me today!!
I have walked for so long my body aches.
I travel these roads with my big back pack.
I wish that I had my old life back.
Life dealt it's cards in one short day.
I lost it all but I will be okay.
I carry this cross along the way.
I'm tired of this journey but I have hope.
I clutch my bible, a way to cope.
My cardboard box shields my head from the rain.
I have nothing to lose and nothing to gain.
I walk through the seasons of hot and cold,
with no promises to keep and no one to hold.
I'm lonely and tired and I feel so weak.
Days go by with nothing to eat.
Teardrops fall and I wipe them away.
I have no one to call and nothing to say.
I close my eyes and begin to sleep.
No dreams tonight on this hot city street.



It is very real. Is this really America? For those who don't notice are those who don't care. 
America has a real heartbreaking problem that needs to be fixed.


Details | Free verse | |

Salt Water

A thing so paradoxical desire;
So all encompassing it’s grasp;
A curse of eternal thirst- 
Though we are drowning.
Hands desperately scratching for a life raft
That is secretly made of the same water we drown in.
So we continue our daily floundering
Chasing a trail of crumbs we call “Hope”


Details | Free verse | |

The Drought of Word

I am empty; nothing have I now to say. 
The stream of my soul from where sentiment once flowed; now runs dry.
An unexplained drought of words I know not why.
I am in desperate need of showers of inspiration and illumination.
A thousand words I would pray; for this drought to end and once 
again take up my pen.
 Alas, my pen no longer speaks, but in silence now offends. 
 Writer's ink disappears upon a white bleached page;
the quill has nothing to lend.
 It is as though a fire shut up in my bones; a burning heat within.
My heart aches for a single drop of brilliance
as I seek for something to say, and earnestly pray for inspirational rain.
For streams of refreshing I long, OH, that the heavens would open and return 
my poetic song.


Details | Free verse | |

Why Stay

What do you do when your dreams bore you
And tomorrow is just another today
The world looks like multiple shades of gray
And I didn't even want to live through today

What do you do when you've lost all hope
Lost and done with having no fun
Not even trying to cope
There's no reason for me to stay
I'm not even ready for today


Details | Free verse | |

Sweet, Sweet Desolation

Ahh despair-
sweet, sweet, sweet desolation.
As the crow flies- enter onto me

Salvation from freedom;
on his wings- incarceration.

Nuveau of Elvis rhyme
Faith acquired through distress
Velveteen fraud
particle blues- such sad
and sorrowful hues.

Putrid breath come from the windy west

Endymion forsaken for his
ethereal beauty; In hidden chains
he sleeps eternally

Athena stares and weeps,
“Great Zeus, to keep him, to love him
eternal I beg of thee!”

The night unwilling to 
to speak, to please  to keep safe
from all darkness creep.

Give him to me- Eternal Keep!”

“Despair he shall never know
in his untainted sleep”

In this shadow is mine own despair
Sorrow of one I can never touch
Skin, lips, muscles, buttocks, hair
Daily I consume a pill, maybe two
As a crutch for his eternally unreachable 
touch


Details | Free verse | |

Holding its Breath

My wrist curls upon itself and shuts its eyes,
and my shocked fingers
hold onto this pen in an iron grip sweating dread,
while upon the tip of this quivering pen
the drop of ink that hangs on by its calloused finger tips
dares not look down,
for my heart-
                                        it now holds its breath –

and my world waits for it
                                                                                   –to let it go


Details | Free verse | |

I WAKE UP THIS MORNING

I wake up this morning
With mixed feeling and uncertainty
Though greeted by a very good day
But I would be damned if I could ever be happy
'Cos the happiness in life is like bubbles floating away
Only to burst at the slightest touch when you try to hold it

I wake up this morning
Depressed and with no excitement
Though i tried to cheer up
But i would be damned if I could do that
'Cos the ills of life has taken the joy out of living
Only to be left with disappointment, pain and hopelessness.


Details | Free verse | |

In Between the Lines

Slowly dying
Inside
Slowly dying.


Details | Free verse | |

Missing You

Missing You
     by Amy Swanson


Sunny day...
     reminds me of the warmth
           in your smile

Today I saw
    a mom and daughter
          walking arm in arm

                        talking
                           laughing
                               shopping...

how I wished it could be us.

It seems so many little things...
         and some days, it is everything...
                              or even, just anything.....

reminds me of you.

I remember 
   your laugh...
        the sparkle of your dark brown eyes
             a merry mischief twinkled
                  from their depths

I remember
    how we talked
           of everything
                and nothing
                    at the same time;

no one else has ever understood me like you did.


All my bad...
    my faults and habits...
          rebellious teenage years...
                 you loved me still

like any good mother does.

       *and you were*

     Such a good mother.


Oh, how I wish that I could tell you
              one more time
   how much you've meant to me
                how much
                I love you.

My little girl was sick the other night...
         and as I bathed her with wet towels
              bringing down her fever,
                   checking on her through the night
                        medicines around the clock
                               constant hugs and gentle words -

I thought of you.

All the times
             you did the same for me...

All the times
             I never got to say

"thank you," Mom
       *so much*
              for helping me be   
                     who I am today.

And so I write
       thinking of you
           picturing so clearly in my mind

                                                              beautiful thoughts             
                                                              precious memories
                                                                          of
                                                                         you-

                                                        and hope somehow you know

                                         how very much

                                               you'll always mean to me;


                                          how very much

                                                                  I'm

                                                                            missing you.


Details | Free verse | |

This Existential Rain

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
This rain will not stop
its relentless reproach,
a slow erosion of soul.
A weeping dark well
of syncopated 
teardrops tap, tap 
again and again,
and again.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
Through a blurred window,
an opaque view into 
seasons of sorrows,
melancholy dreams
felt yet not fleeting.
Life's brackish silt
in a rivulet drains,
into deeper darker
swirling drains.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘
Wood rots from rain 
and time's insidious attack,
whose immutable end 
is our self-same 
passage and fate.  
After its ravage 
remains inexorable pain, 
and this unrelenting
existential rain.

‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘ ‘

[ed. note -- just experimenting.]


Details | Free verse | |

Just One More Time ....Part 2

I pulled the handle,  Just playing for fun, 
But soon became fixated on the excitement it brung
Little did I know, It was the beginning of the end
My addictive passion was playing to win
The flashing lights and arousing sounds
Winning or losing I was completely bound
Amongst myself and the other strays
Just one more time became a common phrase
My wallet grew empty, My bank account cleaned
Temptation had taken it's toll on me
I was Late for work, And some days I called off
I had written bad checks, Just to cover up my loss
No money for the rent, bills or for food
Everything was gone, Gone far too soon
I some how found the strength to get up and leave
But not before I had lost, Lost everything
Now I am left with a half empty tank, No food at home
And no money in the bank
Driving down the freeway, With many thoughts in mind
What kind of person would do this, What kind of person am I
Tears are streaming down my face, Why do I keep making the same mistake
One day my Mom discovered what I'd been hiding inside
When it came time to buy groceries and my pocketbook was dry
I cried my heart out and pleaded for help
She gave me her love, warmth and support
We worked through the motions, I cried so many tears
Because every time I turned around, The urges reappeared
I was so weak, So she offered her strength
She became the payee, Of the bills and the rent
I gave over my money, Each paycheck I earned
And chucked it all up to a hard lesson learned
It's been a few years, Since I've lived in that life
I'm thankful to God, For a Mother so wise
So loving and gentle, Strong and so true
She's part of the reason, I started OVER brand new
The other reason I chose for turning over a new leaf
I realized nothing was more important, Than my daughter who needed me 






It took my Mom giving me so much inspiration and support-Loving me and guiding me, showing
me what I was doing, and me feeling the aftermath of needing necessities and my daughter
wanting me to take her places and buy her things and I was broke because I had gambled it
all away- Harsh reality- I couldn't bare to see the disappointment in her eyes once
more-she is my whole world, I wanted to do so much for her.I couldn't when I was weak-but
little by little I found strength..I realized my worth-We all make mistakes but I have
learned from mine. It wasn't easy but besides my daughter and my mom-The most amazing
support I have is My Lord Jesus Christ- I am stronger now more than I ever was-Now my
daughter is spoiled!


Details | Free verse | |

death

Time fell fast 
Things became hard
Worries were vast
Lives begain scared

Hopes endlessly hidden
All things seemed forbidden
Days filled with darkness
Lives consumed and left sparkless

Awaiting the doom
Sitting only in gloom
Heaven wept
No souls were kept


Details | Free verse | |

You're worth it

Sometimes we want to grow up fast. Others we want our youth to last. Sometimes we want to change the past. Others we want to leave it alone because it was such a blast. Either way, however you feel. You have to find a way to cope and deal. Because life is a journey Sometimes a competition, a tourney. along the way there are things.... That beat up life and leave it with dings. Sadness awaits. After all we cant change fate. Tears racing down rosy red cheeks. Blinding us from seeing the beauty of the snowy mountain peak Depression like lightning strikes. Down like a volleyball we spike. Anger and frustration builds. Combining to form destruction in guilds All leading up to stress. But remember you're always blessed. Remember all those bad times. When all people did was go out and commit crimes. When hungry people had to go out and wait in long lines Maybe to some people that only happens sometimes. Maybe to others all the time. Either way, however you feel. You had to find a way to cope and deal. Somehow you stood the rain You lasted through all that pain. You didn't fall tumbling through the drain. You made it through the times that were long. You are strong. Maybe going back and forth, ping pong. Differing what's right. and what's wrong. But here you stand. Holding your own land. Even if you feel like you don't. And there's no luck you won't. I know you will. Because life isn't always downhill. Either way, however you feel. You had to find a way to cope and deal. And here you are standing now. Now of the past, let go. And in yourself you will grow. After you realize the point you're at is no longer low. Instead you get to enjoy the beauty of Sharing and and giving and receiving everyone's love. Because you're worth it.


Details | Free verse | |

Missing You

I yearn to see the stars twinkle in the midnight sky when I’m with