Oh what a mistake I have made,
Traveled so far to end up this way.
Not in a million years would I have guessed,
That this idea was truly not one of my best.
Never had known things had changed so much,
We for sure had fallen so far out of touch.
So many different do's , don't , and bewares,
Actually has left me absolutely scared.
What a fool I was to ever believe,
That she would ever be in love with me.
At my age you would think I know better,
You can trust this will be remembered forever.
Oh what a terrible mistake I have made,
Wanting all these memories to just fade away.
All this time I have always had my doubts,
Not the person led to believe is what I found out.
To be deceived and lied to for oh so long,
Down deep I knew there was something wrong.
Head over heels I had fallen in love ,
Always thought you were sent from above.
How the knife is twisted into my side ,
So much pain I can do nothing but cry.
These memories of what I thought was real,
I'm confused and I don't how how to feel.
Is this really possible that I did not know,
Through all this time it never showed.
Such an evil thing to do to a man ,
Especially the lies which he could not stand.
How cruel and cold your heart must be ,
To carry on as you did never letting me see.
Hard to accept all those moments so dear ,
Realizing they are now my greatest fears .
What was to be Joy and Happiness,
Replaced by the feelings of a loneliness.
Never did I imagine this happening to me ,
Thinking that you and I were meant to be .
It's a very hard thing for a man to accept ,
When he finds out that he's been tricked.
Was it the money or the control you had ,
Maybe because you are really just that bad.
Some day soon for this you will have to pay ,
For the sins against me and your evil ways.
Goodbye to you who ever you are ,
For in this heart you have left brutally scarred.
I'm lost hurt and angry
Why did you take his life
I want, No I need to know
Tell me, Tell me why
I deserve to know
Haven't you done enough to him
What'd he ever do to you
He suffered his whole life
Suffered more than anyone deserved
Tell me, Tell me why you did it
I have a right to know
Why'd you let him born to them
Born to worthless parents
Parents who didn't care
They threw him away like garbage
Pawned him off on someone else
Tell me, Tell me why
Explain how you could do that
You gave him Polio
You let others treat him like disease
You took away the full use of his legs
You warped his hand and foot
Tell me, Explain to me why
I deserve to know
You let others think he was crazy
You let it go on for over year
You didn't stop it, Why
Tell me, Give me your reason
Answer me God, Help me to understand
You go and make matters worse
You gave him Cancer
You didn't give him a chance to fight back
You just jerked him away from us
Tell me, Tell me how
How you could be so cruel
How can others not question you
When others do it, It's murder
But when it's by your hand
It's your will, Their fate
Tell me, What makes you so different
Your no better than the demons knocking at the door
You heard me beg and plead
You know I'm not afraid to die
I was willing to carry it all for him
I was willing to take my Daddy's place
You didn't even let me say Goodbye
Tell me, Tell me why I couldn't take his place
Answer me God, you owe me that much
Regrets I have so many
But one that drags me down
Every time I think about it
My face takes on a frown.
It was the day I left my wife
Though why I do not know
All I know with certainty
Is that I hurt that lady so
I never will forgive myself
The remorse is hard to bear
And everywhere I try to go
The furies, they are there.
I know until my dying day
I never will forget
The day I left my wife behind
It fills me with regret.
8 August 2013 @ 1720hrs.
Feel me standing there
on the draw bridge
that stands stubburn and erect
over the rushing waters blown by the wind
back and forth.
I listened to the crows
posted on gargoils designed
of eightenth century Gothic architecture
singing their death songs,
when the sun is setting in the far.
The voices of women passing
startle me with a feeling of sorrow
I can't breathe, I am dying.
Feel me, can you feel me rot away?
Slowly but surely rot away
as time passes with ease,
and taxi cabs take smiling, intoxicated faces
to wayward cafes, oh how they screech to a halting stop
and wave to me to get in.
"No thank you, I'd rather walk." I say to the smiling faces
highly intoxicated with the thought of the birds and the bees
rattling around in their empty minds.
Then they drive off, into the city lights and turn a darkened corner.
I look at the rushing water
and feel myself rot away
slowly but surely rot away.
Can you feel me?
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
Feel my heart thump with slow paces
that manage to keep up with fast melodies.
Of songs that play in your mind
only the ones that make you sigh
and think those one days in Spring time
as you walked over the draw bridge
and paid no mind to the water underneth.
I hear no more talk of you and me, I hear no more talk
of the good old times we all shared.
Time has passed, as I take my last breathe
and hold my chest and shead a tear.
Feel me, can you?
If you can, put your hand to my weak heart
and feel it thump away with every second wasted
on useless items.
Now, see me a man of one time greatness
reflect his life with a reflection in the water below.
How I sigh and cry and breath heavely,
as I feel myself rot away.
The voices of woman pass me by.
Tomorrow is a new day,
for the smiling faces in taxi cabs will go home
and soak their raging hangovers with cool, wet rags.
As I still stand on the draw bridge singing with the crows,
feeling myself rot away.
Can you feel me without you, rotting away?
I surely can feel myself rot.
Such a heavy word, "rot"
So vulgare, yet a great description of me,
I pull out a shawl you once wore and I kiss it.
As the wind gusts and the sun rises and my shadow
comes to meet me, the wind shall take my last memory
of you away.
And I shall weep no more.
Then what will I do? Shall I walk the streets
and think of you.
Yes you, still rambling all throughout my head
like a lose screw.
Can you feel me? Feel me rot away
feel me think about you, and all your works.
Can you feel me?
What happens when your only way out is so final, yet so beautiful?
When the only one you've got is your captor, your abuser?
When your chance at a legitimate escape is too far away, when you’ve just got to get away now?
I’ll tell you what happens:
You get a little crazy, a little careless.
You can’t remember all of the people who care for you, the ones who would miss you.
You get selfish.
You can’t see what causes it, so you can’t fix it… this dysfunction.
You know you can’t just change it, because you’re not the only one involved.
So… You run.
The first chance you get, you run.
But there’s no where to go.
You know they’ll come.
You know they’ll find you.
So, you run.
Just until you find a beautiful space.
It’s so beautiful, it might already be heaven.
You’ll find out soon.
It’s a beautiful cliff.
Maybe they’ll think you fell.
It doesn't matter.
Don’t leave a note;
Let them think what they will.
Now’s your chance.
Hear them coming?
They’re closing in.
Before they catch you.
This is your last chance to escape.
It won’t hurt once you've hit the bottom.
It can’t be any worse than everyday.
Do it now,
Before there’s anymore pain.
Don’t start thinking.
They’ll get over you.
Move on without you.
Before it’s too late again.
Nothing will ever hurt again.
Do it quick!
… Just Jump.
*This is the end of a tortured life.*
The bad guys win.
Too young to die
They take a boy, too young to shave
Who has never lived his life
While his mates are chasing girls
They fill his life with strife
They send him off to a brand new war
Over some damned fools Ideal
I don’t understand their wars
And I guess I never will
The folk who like to run the show
Or most of them at least
Have never even been to war
They’ve never felt the beast
As he rips right into one’ intestines
That hollow hole of fear!
Each leader should be sent to war
Then the picture might grow clear
Then when they send young boys to war
They’ll see the whole damned show
The weight of endless terror
And then maybe they’ll know
What it’s like as a fine young man
To be sent out there to die
He might then know, how a mother feels
When she’s lost her little guy.
1 August 2013 @ 1443hrs.
3 o’clock in the morning…
The sounds of bed frames hitting drywall,
The sounds of Chopin and Coltrane played
With a hint of sadness in tone.
Sounds of whores and pimps arguing;
“Where is the money, you whore?!”
“I don’t have the money!”
A sound of a slap to the face
A big hand crushing bone,
Red streaks on white walls.
The sound of drunks walking gloomy streets,
Police and ambulance rush down burned out streets
Sirens wailing, crying out!
A child, six years old
Crying, “Momma! Momma!”
Shedding tears over his dying mother, lost her soul to the
Rest In Peace.
A sound of a .357 magnum revolver click
And a gunshot shakes the nerves of many,
And for a moment the sweet and peaceful silence.
“Dispatch, suicide on 46th street Hollywood Boulevard, Send the Corner. Over.”
Then the darkness sails over
And the entire cities are showered with tears from the heavens,
But no one weeps,
Not a single soul…
The old black Demon's back again
He's pounding on my soul
He's prodding, always prodding me
This be his earthly role
The hordes of Hell move into me
With their whips and masks of steel
Invading me they rip my flesh
And break into my will.
I look into this Demons eyes
Though my body quavers some
As fear be powerful in my mind
I know what must be done
Oh no I will not falter
For now be courage time
That coward that resides in me
He be my cursed crime.
He turns his back, the bounder's gone
I've beat his hide again
If you look your demons in the eye
Their manner grows more tame.
But he'll be back on some tomorrow
He's the strongest force I know
He's my shadow and he's telling me
To move into the flow.
Socrares Dec 31 2003.
Jump up and down like a jackrabbit
running through meadows
running from what?
Could it be heartbreak,
a venemous snake that hides in the grass,
hiding with fangs ready to pierce the tender skin
upon the tight, bronze flesh of everyday life?
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye now!
I need a vacation a long way away from the faceless smiles
and ignorance of young girls, who don't look at you,
who don't show you love and respect.
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye now,
as jumping spiders hop everywhere, crawling eight legs around me
my soul black like carcoal, but my heart still beating
slower this time, not like the days before
and like the jackrabbit running from anything and everything,
I run to seek love and vanish away from the empty voids
that people call, their souls.
Recording a film with no tape,
talking to a woman you love, but not having the guts to tell her how you really feel
Jump my boy, like a jackrabbit, take my advice
tell her before she leaves
turns down the endless avenues of endless dark love
the trees grow taller, taller than you
and you sit there feeling away yourself die, missing out in life.
I cannot see you lose your love.
Say it, say it, Say it!!! Tell her! Tell her! Build the guts up!
Build up the courage, tell her how you feel. Take her by the hand and never say goodbye! Never say goodnight, stay with her till the flight comes in the morning
of the first rays of sun shine through your dorm room take her and love her!
Do not be like me, the jackrabbit! I see no happiness
Reading poetry it makes me sad,
to write of others falling in love and I never finding the one.
People tell me, you'll find yours, have hope
but I am a frightened little jackrabbit
who flees from sounds of deep emotions, not having courage to fall in love,
not building the guts up to tell her how I really feel.
She walks alone, I find my oppertunity and sing my love song
She smiles and moves on,
please tell me I cannot fight anymore.
All I have to say is Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye
I need a vacation
to go to some sandy beach on an island of love
and write and write and write, the same poetry that depresses me
but makes you all fall in love with words!
Fiction about love stories, please kiss me
Blue eyed death comes, plays a game of chess with me
I bet twenty, he bets my soul
Kiss me death, the only love I'll ever get,
besides my poet friends who kiss my ass
Listen to my heart, truely, I don't write of beauty
I write for the sorrow soul, the fleeing jackrabbit
running away from love.....
All turned down to the worst
as the children lost innocence,
as the bums drank their last breath away,
as the man eating sharks finding their way,
to the over-crowded sandy beaches,
as the man turn to the woman
and gave her a slap across the face,
as the thef steals in the night,
as the coward goes behind his loved ones' backs,
as the oil lanterns spill over and burn the bridges
to salvation and paradise.
Something always happens to the good guy,
a knife in the back in the midst of dawn,
his woman leaving with another man,
he dying slowly of cancer,
or suffering from intoxication of the blood.
Poison. Poison, ravages his body,
oh, how could God let such things happen
to such a good man?
His life work, his social life, his nirvana
all destroied, burned away, turned to dust.
But with the evil, came the good.
Yes with time and time again
repeating itself in a circle of time,
across the crossed faces,
as blue eyed Death smiles
and as the girls grin,
Everything came into place,
Anyway with evil, came the good.
Indeed it had came right to his front doorstep.
Let Me Go!
I don't want this anymore!
I can't go to sleep at night,
all I seem to do is write.
Sometimes I read...
I read until I finish.
When I finally go to sleep,
I hear the sound of the alarm "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"
I can't handle this anymore.
I am going crazy here
and no one seems to notice it, my dear.
I cry myself to sleep.
telling myself everything will get better.
BUT IT DOESN'T!
And I know I mustn't
but I want that knife
just as much as I want that gun
I hate this world
and everything about this girl
She sings and tries to get attention
yet no one gives her the time of day.
She falls into the books she reads
no one knowing, it is escaping, she pleads.
This girl is me,
oh but you knew, right?
Since all I ever talk about is me!
Gosh, can't you see?
I'm my enemy!
I'm my own nightmare!
No one is hurting me!
It is me who shouldn't be let free!
Lock me up!
That way I won't harm myself...
I'd like it if it was someone else
Please, do me the favor
and let me go
for no one can save this girl
from this cruel world.
I do not know?
I hated myself.
I hate myself
I am hating myself.
Is what I do to myself at 2:33am when I'm thinking about how much of a waste I've become, am becoming and how I think, think about how no difference will be made if I was not here. Walking, talking, eating, breathing, living.
Just take it all away - it turns me upside down, inside out when I can't stop those wheels from turning in my head; they never stop - like some unstoppable tape record playing in my head- over and over and over again.
I don't sleep to good.
Maybe it's the way I say your name at that present moment in time and my mind automatically swells with
Or maybe it's the way I always think of your pretty big eyes that are the perfect shade of brown in the midst of my sorrows.
We once shared those.
But now they're just unequally balanced upon my shoulders, wreaking havoc in the last of the ruins that have been provided.
Oh look what I've gone and done.
I wanted to be alone not lonely.
I hate myself for what I have done to myself
Sadness is what I have become,
Consumed me in a way that is not visible to the naked eye- so only I can see.
It hits me at any given time of day - it slams against the mental capacity I have for the self loathing I have assimilated throughout my tiresome life.
All the self regret and self deprecation that has surfed through my mind during those lonely nights I laid there motionless and bitter have finally come and took over.
My mind, body and soul.
My troublesome inner demons taunt me. We are no longer shy acquaintances, we are the best of friends who spend each passing hour of the day together.
I don't want to live this way. Nor do I want to die this way, I'm entitled to spend the days of my life as openly and freely as I please but I still have sinking feeling - this clawing sensation, drawing me back to my sadness. Like a heroin junkie high as a kite - I'm addicted. And I don't know how. I'm addicted to my sadness and there's no cure for that.
I have to go now.
I have to cease this sharp self afflicted pain,
With the only way I know best.
There is a saying that says,
Destroy Anything That Destroys You
So I did.
Six million feet under...going down dirty tubes and dark tunnels
Gun shots...sirens...lightning and thunder
Falling from grace and I'm falling forever
Too far gone...six million feet under
Six million feet under...black clouds, bullets and rounds
Genocidal gangsters turn my smiles into frowns
Giggling with glee lunatics they spew their loud laughter
Too far gone...six million feet under
Six million feet under...close my mind, my eyes, my ears
No truth...no tears
Death is coming to life and my vision is clear
Now the undertaker bangs his death drum drama
Too far gone...six million feet under
Six million feet under...like a lost lamb stuck inside of a lions mouth
I hear the devil and his demons screaming murderous shouts
Just another slain sheep now sobbing at the slaughter
I roll like a stone and fall dead at the alter
Too far gone...six million feet under
I followed you
And the bunny
Into this dark hole
But you were
Rushing to some place
That doesn't include me
To stay sane
I seen the mad hatter
I had become
I'm sorry but
I am not Alice
I do not know?
T'was the night before Christmas
And all through the house not a single noise could
For, you see, the only one up
Had practise of being quiet
even when she's screaming inside
With hand over mouth,
and tears streaming down her face
She silently sobbed the night away
The only festive colour running from her wrists
The only thing she wanted for Christmas
Was to be dead.
The Final Goodbye
When we laid your body to rest
agony of pain enters into my chest.
I started to cry and scream
wishing that this was all a dreadful dream.
But in my eyes I saw it was true
I just wish it was not you.
I never envision the day
that you will be so viciously taken away.
You were young and full of fun
now your life was taken away instantly from me, my beloved son.
Your years on this earth is far too few
and your life was taken horrifically too soon from you.
You should have been allowed to live
since you had a lot to give.
The horrific images in my mind on how you die I
keep asking myself over and over again why?
It is hard for the pain to relinquish from my soul
and keep my mind from being mentally whole.
While your murder is walking free.
The final goodbye is killing me.
© By: Naomi Johnson