I do not know?
“Doctor I have chronic diarrhoea
And I think it’s hereditary”
“Nonsense man I can assure you
Diarrhoea is not hereditary,
And no matter how chronic it is
It’s not as bad as it seems”
“But doctor I know it’s hereditary
Because it’s in my jeans”
Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.
When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say,
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”
And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.
Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.
He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.
And, of course, sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.
So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”
“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”
“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc! What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.
But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.
“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.
A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw
Reminded him of his sacrifice.
He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.
As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.
As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello. I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”
“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift. I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.”
Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes."
Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.
“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!” Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?
Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”
Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”
Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss? I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.
“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos will cramp your balls,
You’ll get migraine headaches.”
My Dear Doctor Anonymous: Things becoming calamitous,
blinding headaches without end, tumor's there, why pretend?
Oh, you think I'm symptom-free, where'd you purchase your MD?
Tell the truth, for God's sake! Even doctors make mistakes!
I know you wish I'd go away, but, like a thorn, I'm here to stay.
If you won't help me, I will die, the truth is tougher than your lie.
And when I die I won't be daunted, it's you whose house now will be haunted.
Yours forever, patient rejected, end of letter, as expected.
60’s ladies had Dr. Kildare
who they fantasized giving them care.
With a doctor that hot
who would mind getting caught
all alone minus her underwear?
Well, no more can we think in that way
since the guy who played Kildare, one day
got it into his head
to crush dreams when he said,
“All this time I have really been gay.”
For Carolyn Devonshire's Quick Contest:
Come in Doc, stay a while and please close the door.
Your pills aren't workin..still sore...what? Take more?
Whaddya mean, "Don't worry"?
Why are you in such a hurry?
You just barely came in,
Now your leavin' again!
How much? Thanks for the break, but that bill's still pretty sour!
Been here two minutes...That's makes it 6000 bucks an hour..
Pardon me, what's that you say?
Yes,.... do have a nice day...
The Doctor Has Left the Building.
I awaited, from my Doctor Quills,
A prescription for medicinal pills
- the pills were applied
- but I about died
When I had received his pill bills!
There is a doctor I see
Who doesn't do much for me
For all of those dollars
‘bout weight he just hollers
when taller is all I need be.
My name is doctor phil,
I won't prescribe a pill,
My head is bald ,
A doctor I am called,
The people I see are real,
They pay me money,
I think it's funny,
They call me doctor phil.
Oh,doctor I am in a flap
I cannot turn this childproof cap
I cannot take my medicine
So I shall toss it in the bin
The beta blockers make me down
I am in a study brown.
The mini aspirins make me bruise
And my mind is quite confused.
The ibuprofen hurt my heart
Yet without one I cannot start.
The thyroxine has no effect
So now I feel my life is dreck.
The codeine fails to make me high
I'm not addicted, though I try.
I'll have to take a shot of gin
And alcohol will make me sin.
I'll go to parties in a dress
That makes men's hormones more or less.
I'll take a big one home with me,
And give him poison in his tea.
And when I am in jail at last
I'll feel remorse for all my past.
For as I suffer dreadful pain
God has hit me yet again.
It's not enough that I am blind
And suffer terrors in my mind
Not enough that lovers cruel
Give me stick instead of jewels.
Or maybe life does not make sense
Especially when I feel so tense.
Maybe random are my days
and my life has gone astray.
I think that I shall buy a cat
And love it tenderly and chat.
But if my cat gives me a scratch...
I'll light its tail up with a match.
All the world must me obey
Else I'll be enraged all day.
I want my own way all the time.
Other people must conform.
I am here and full of ills
What do you think of these blue pills?
If they take away my heart
That at least will be a start.
Then they can remove my brain
To help me with this damned pain.
Why not kill me right away
Then I'll be from pain astray?
A lady named Abigail Feanture
Received from her colleagues a censure.
She, being a vet,
A mischievous Doberman Pincer.
The Doctor Visit
I went to the doctors today.
He came in to the room.
He asked do you smoke.
I said "Why now do you see any?"
He said,"do you drink", I said," Why do you need one?"
Then he said. "Strip off you close".
I said," I hope you 're not taking off yours"!
Then the doctor said. "Can I see your ears?"
I said,'i clean them everyday"
Then he says. "Broaden your mouth and stick out your tough,".
I said,"I only do that a to my wife"!
Then he says."Why are you here today?"
I said,"Why Don't you know you 're the doctor"!
When you are retired,
you'll be just an old man,
with a fishing pole.
Some people give you butterflies
When staring deep into your eyes,
Or cause peculiar palpitations
Just from your kindly conversations,
But when you're on my mind it seems
You take these feelings to extremes,
One look at me and suddenly
My insides burst with ecstasy,
My tummy's tight, giddy and wild,
Yet nauseous like a seasick child,
This squeezing feeling in my chest
Like carnal cardiac arrest,
Can't fill my lungs with breaths so brisk,
These cramps feel like I've slipped a disc,
One simple smile caused this to start,
It can't be healthy for my heart,
I bump into lampposts and bars
And stroll in front of speeding cars,
You pull me back, check I'm okay
My brain falls out so I can't say,
This strange effect you have on me
Just proves that we are meant to be,
But 'til I work out a prevention
I may need medical attention.
From suffering man was now free
His doctor held answer you see
Though doctor will claim
That he’s not the blame
The heart attack came with his fee
There've been times in my life
where I've just had to say,
"I must, give it all up,
for, it's that kind of day"!
I must, really say this
I really, just must;
if I didn't say it,
then, it wouldn't be, "just".
There's this crazy, old man
we'll just call him, "Doc";
who fills up blank pages
with, "poetical talk".
He's scribbled, and scrabbled
'til way, past bed-time,
trying to finish each poem
and, complete every rhyme.
If he hadn't done this
he'd surely gone, "mad",
his nonsensical nature
was, all that he had!
No hidden agenda
when first, he wrote down,
each poem of nonsense
to erase a childs' frown.
And, Doc always did this
..so that , all of his poems
were merely geared, to amuse.
He loved to let nonsense
be the order of the day,
and, with every poem
we all smiled, the same way.
His only intention
was to set our minds, "free",
his style, just did it
With his own tongue, in cheek
we knew we'd been had,
and his poems rhymed perfectly
proving he was no, "fad"!
The volumes of topics
that Doc's written of,
included all that could be
written.....below, and above.
He's written of magic,
puzzles, and games...
..with, strange little creatures,
with, strange little, "names".
The, crazier his story,
the saner he'd feel,
and, the more that we heard
convinced us they were, "real"!
His poems, were genius
as he weaved us, a tale;
with, nonsensical rhymes
that did so, without..."fail".
"Old Doc", has quit writing
he's up in heaven,
this year, his birthday'd ...
make him, a hundred, and seven!
He's given advice,
taught what we must do,
he said, "Be who you are...
..no-one's youer, than....you!"
He's maybe still writing
in, heaven....you see,
that'd be just like him
as, that's who he must, be!
That, silly old doctor...
..as silly, as a goose;
we all loved his poems,
for, we loved Dr. Seuss!
There once was a doctor from Perth
Who wanted to leave planet earth.
For his nurse did inject
And dietetically wreck
A heavyweight champion's girth.
My one attempt at marriage
Was like a union between McCoy and Kahn
Both a wee-bit dramatic
Like living a full fledge grand opera
"My God man, we're living a circus
And you have jumped off the deep end
What you're proposing is lunacy
I'm a doctor, not a barbarian!"
"Have you heard the Klingon expression
Revenge is a dish best served cold?
If you want to make this marriage work
Then damn you!!!! Do as you're told!!!!"
(McCoy and Kahn)
"For God's sake listen to yourself
What you're saying is just plain crazy"
"From hell's hot I stab at thee......
For hate's sake, I spit my last breath..........at thee.........."
[no, the marriage didn't work out, haha. And last night I ran into my
ex-wife. She had the gall to speak to me. So I just wrote this with
genuine laughter in my heart.]
(This is a fictional poem)
I'm suing the doctor who delivered me in 1971.
He'll have to file for bankruptsy when I'm done.
I'm suing him because he spanked me.
When I take all of his money, he won't thank me.
I don't remember but that spanking probably hurt.
He had his hand on my butt so he must be a pervert.
the doctor is very unhappy because he's being sued.
My mom says I'm a moron who has no gratitude.
Everybody I talk to calls me a dummy.
I may be stupid but at least I'll have money.
That mean Doctor Jones
I'd say, for a fact, he has an ornery streak!
He makes me bend,....and then from behind he sneaks!
No warning at all....with his needle sharp!
He stabs me, ouch!! ....in my bottom parts!!
He declares, with his haughty airs...."It's for your own good!"
But he's grinning from ear to ear......well....HUMPH! I don't think he should!!!!
Be having so much fun!!
Stabbing at my poor buns!!
He's MEAN Doctor Jones......I don't make no bones about it !!
For Carolyn ! :)
They call him doctor death
He’s the medic in our hood
It’s not that he’s a killer
He just isn’t very good
Dr. Rose can't diagnose
A thing that's wrong with me.
I'm flushed and red with an aching head
And pain in both my knees.
Although the're clean, my toes are green,
My ears have come unstuck,
I'm feeling sick, my elbows click,
My temperature is up.
"Don't be daft!" the doctor laughed.
"Don't take me for a fool!"
Somehow he knows, that Dr. Rose,
I don't want to go to school.
To My Doctor
I’m sitting in your exam room
Wondering what I’ll say
In answer to your question,
“How’s it going today?”
Shall I tell you all my problems
Or mention one or two
Or simply say, “I’m fine, thanks.”
Maybe that would do
You must be getting very tired
Of hearing my complaints
They never seem to dwindle
So to me you are a saint!
And one day I’ll surprise you
I’ll offer you a grin
And say, “I’m really fine, thanks
Just fine for the shape I’m in.”
But today I still must ponder
And wonder what I’ll say
In answer to your question
“How’s it going today?”
The ginger root
My grandma hung
Hung in the kitchen
For everyone to see
A headache or a tummy ache
If anyone would suffer
The ginger root
Was brought down
For ailments simple and severe
A strong tea for the headache
A weak one for the stomach
A gargle for the toothache
A pouch for minor burns
Though most of the times you know
The thought of drinking
The insipid liquid
Would make all well
I do not know?
My doctor advised me to
Take regular exercise
Eat more fruit
And get plenty of fresh air
So I have taken his advice
I walk to the pub
I have a slice of lemon with my G&T
And I drink in the beer garden