sometimes i talk to myself,
my mind is racing,
i dont know what to do...
so hard to explain.
depression isn't a stage
or a faze some kids go through
it shatters you...
i saw it all.
she cried silent in her bed,
blood stains covered her favorite jeans,
her every shirt,
long sleeve ofcourse...
she suffered through it all with few people to call friend
and more to call enemy
even more to say where quite dissappointed....
her first name in school,
not started by a bully
or a mean rival,
but by her sister,
and it echoed through her soul,
repeating in her mind... over and over again,
like the ripples of still water
when a pebble is dropped
flash frozen in time
over and over again...
It was the first name they gave her,
millions where created over the years,
some repeating again, just as the first had..
gothic they called her,
emo, fat, ugly....worse things.
but in her mind, things where worse.
everything was repeating,
over and over again,
finally she believed it.
she asked for help, from everyone
tried to explain to parents she wasnt well,
got called a psycho for asking to see a theripist,
not from a teacher,
not from a class mate,
but from her own father, who wouldn't, couldn't,
believe there could possibly be a thing wrong....
finally, crying, she confessed her bloody secret to a teacher.
rather then giving her time,
she is sent back to class crying her eyes out, as if she wherent going through enough...
she is sent to the principals office a few minutes later, after breaking down in class...
the princlipal says she needs help,
sends her and her dad for a risk evaluation,
her dads crying as she shows him her cuts...
they walk into a hospital room,
it smells of chemicals and hand sanitizer,
the lady at the desk gives her a smile.
then she goes into a room with a lady,
her cheeks are sunken in and shes wearing way too much makeup,
the girl is gaging on her perfume,
and she looks really intimidating....
her dark brown hair looks dead and flat
even though its a bit wavy,
and she wears somewhat of a mocking frown.
asks her all these questions,
is mommy beating her?
is daddy raping her?
is she doing drugs?
is anyone beating her?
did anyone molest her?
oxcarbezapine, trazadone, citalipran, clinazapam, colonipan,
valium, lithium, more.......
and thats what they gave her,
some numbed the pain
some brought it out
tearing through her organs,
she became an addict by the time she was fourteen....
over dose after over dose
some for pleasure
some for pain,
gashes on her legs getting deeper,
this time she didnt tell a soul,
not even those she had come to call friends....
wakeup she screamed in her head over and over again
as she dropped weight like it was nothing....
you cant controll it she argued as things became worse.
at age fourteen she attempted suicide,
she didnt quite succeed.
the medication took away her aappitite....
she liked it
she hated her body
felt out of controll
found a new way to cope
as she shoved tooth brush after toothbrush down her throat
to keep her body from nuitrients...
as she whent weeks and weeks spitting food into napkins and making excuses
I ate at my friends house....
spoken as a whisper
heard like a sentance
echoing in her mind over and over again,
along with that word, all the words,
ugy, anoying, stupid, fake, worthless, nothing...
one bite she would say
rocking back and forth
craving nothing but food
her body racked with hunger pain
one bite and there she was again
over and over and over again
back to a toothbrush
this time she sees blood
she saw her ribs
she saw her bones,
it wasnt good enough,
she almost died, again....
choking on this deep dissappointment in herself,
gaging on everything they where pushing down her throat,
their words, and their insults, their criticism.... their drugs
all shoved down her throat like candy
and just as she was was trained to do she swallowed despite the bad taste
or the hurt
or the fact that at the rate she was going she would be dead soon...
and you know why?
because daddy yelled
and couldnt accept what was happening
not because he wanted to hurt her
but because it hurt him,
and she let him believe,
because she could take the hurt if it meant he didnt have too.
because mommy didnt want to sit in her room all day
practically having us raise ourselves,
she didnt mean to take anger, or frustration or hurt out on her daughter
she suffered everyday in her solitary confinement,
and from a young age she accepted her bedroom was the cage
her mother had created for herself.
because sister didnt want to effect her the way she did
she was just frustrated
fed up with the way things where
scared, she needed someone to take her cruelty
and to help heal her pain...
because people in school
who where so cruel
had to have learned from somewhere
and she wasnt going to play into their games,
and they knew she was an easy target
because she would never attack someone so weak
and she accepted her suffering was a sacrafice
to help all these people....
to help her dad,
every person who was beaten abused or hurt
and felt so weak at home they wanted to feel strong in the one safe place they had.
because depite the fact she had died inside,
and almost passed away on the out,
it was a saccrafice she was willing to make
so that no one else would have to feel that kind of pain,
and they all inflicted it and broke her down'untill there was nothing left but a shell
of somthing that could have been
and never had the chance
because she would take it and wouldnt strike back,
because sometimes "just taking it"
isnt so much about the weakness not to do anything
but about the strangth not to hurt others the way they hurt you...
Behind the dark walls of the prison,
Hiding my face from all in my vision,
Abandoned by my bosses,the terror leads,
I wait to be hanged for my misdeeds.
Now I look back to think….
Important member of the Al-Qaeeda,I was,
Given tasty food, and rigorous training by my boss,
I was taught “muslims are harassed round the world,
To help them, grenades and bombs ,I have to hurl.
Arms and ammunitions to me they gave,
To destroy the world, the path they paved.
Rigorous physical training I was given,
On the path of “Jihad’I was driven.
I felt …”me, a class four dropout from school,
To a fidayeen…oh so cool.”
With pots of money l was lured,
A place in paradise..I was assured.
Reading the terror email from the Mujahideen,
I was all charged up and excited to become a fidayeen.
With the ammunitions, I was on my way,
On the path of destruction that they laid.
“Explode bombs, shoot and kill”,
They said “that is what was Allah’s will.”
An obedient student I was in their list,
Little did I realize I was a dangerous terrorist!
As I killed and killed and shed innocent blood,
Suddenly, I was shot and I fell down ..thud!
Interrogations by cops continued endlessly on me,
Confusing the cops,I waited for Al-qaeeda to rescue me.
To my rescue, none from Al Qaeeda came,
Hated worldover a terrorist I became!
No one would come I felt
I was misled! I silently wept.
Jihad would never get me paradise,
Fallen in eyes of Allah, I will never ever rise.
I am unable to bear this and want to die,
And face Allah ? In fear and shame I cry.
I neither can live nor die in peace ,
Forgive me Allah, I cried on my knees.
Old, young, man woman, child I randomly killed,
Was this by Allah, in me instilled?
I repent and feel am cursed by all,to hell I shall go,
What mass destruction on earth have I done? Oh!
I have now to face all those I murdered,
What do I answer them, I ponder.
Spread love and peace is the message of God,
I have now learnt the message of the Lord.
I confess ..”Jihad and terrorism are hated by god,”
I sincerely beg “Forgive me all, forgive me Lord!!”
Kindly note :If anyone wants to comment on my poem, kindly note that I am not a terrorist.
This poem is written by me as a message to all the terrorists in the world that peace and love
is what god wishes.The inspiration is from the recent attacks in Mumbai.
Darker than the Cavern, No Relief
than the Cavern
opening gate into Hell,
the lost Souls, dead nights
with such unimaginable delights.
They seek mercy
where none can be had
an ending never found,
lost forever deep underground.
to burn incense
a dark pit into agony lie,
caverns , dark and deep to cry.
that wail in
repentance was never willed.
Hades in action
forever gifting torment,
upon those lost in banishment.
just louder cries
hideous sorrowful wails
where forgiveness forever fails.
Robert J. Lindley, 09-27-2014
Note: I woke this morning from a dream of the
underworld. David's passing was on my mind last
night and this dream shouted out a warning to me.
Too late, too late is a terrible place to be...
Alone in loneliness
Amid forever nights
And these four walls
In faint, whisper soft your name
I beg out loud to the nothingness that remains
"Please not another nightmare, no more storms"
But, answers are merely glimpses of light
Filtering through the pane
Cast empty shadows on the wall
Of places where you used to be
Eyes wide open
Now asleep, afraid I am to fall
Trapped within this never ending dream
I cling to all the memories that I have
Spinning me closer to where you were, in parallel on the edge
The thoughts, like imaginary rubble, comes tumbling passed
A fire for you still burning inside
Why can’t I let go of the tragedies last
And silence your unrescued suicidal screams
Or is it only the rain falling faster as it taps harder, and harder upon the glass
Or is it of your wandering spirit
Haunting with its vindications
Of "why’s" I can never seem to grasp
All this amidst lost stares into black windows
Where gutters overrunning, burdened by the strains
And I swear I see your reflection
Among the flashes, tracing out illuminations about your face
And for the first time
You are noticeably absent of all the worldly pains
And your lips releasing out a comfort that for so long I've been seeking
As I hear the words echo within my stormy heart "That where you are everything is okay"
The warrior lays her weary head,
With heavy heart she cannot bear,
Burning tears stream down her face,
As whispered memories touch the ear.
Her armour tarnished by remorse,
Her battle-cry a wimpered row,
Her wounds, of which bleed solitude,
Will never know forgiveness now.
The song began two score ago,
When two came knocking at her door,
In need of refuge from the world,
Of that, and love, and little more.
Forced to fight for every smile,
Her only solace found in song,
She longed for love to rescue her,
And plant her where she could belong.
Jealous tongues are seldom kind,
Self-seeking hearts know nought of love,
The caged canary only sings,
When coaxed to praise from up above.
For the steely spine that now I own,
Forever shall I grateful be,
A gift from her, and from her own.
Courage mounted inwardly.
I'll not forget how I have loved thee,
And youthful memories I will prize,
Til on the shore of His forgiveness,
Whereto now, we both shall rise.
High upon the highest heights
I see the most tremulous sight
A small girl, fair and tranquil
Smiling strangely, sitting still
Beneath a sobbing willow tree
She recites a verse upon her knee
She sings a rhythmic hymn
Not of death, nothing grim
But prays that life will return
Even for those who are doomed to burn
The girl is a woman now
Beneath the tree and upon the cloud
She whispers, “I am watching you”
Why then are you so blue?
A single tear of sadness and joy
Rejuvenate the quirky earthly boy
Who sits down beneath the blooming tree
Listening to her silent voice attentively
She reminds him she was once young too
That she also was a misty shade of blue
But when the boy grows into man
He has come to ignore the fair woman
Who watches him still from above
Burning and swelling with disdainful love
The ways of the world have sweltered his heart
And time has torn his soul apart
Thus he has lost all innocence and light
Battling his sinful lust—an endless plight!
I watch as he feeds on others’ pains and fears
Reducing the vigilant woman to tears
The prayer of the innocent has been ignored
Life has died and hellfire stored
Into the hearts of the impotent
In blue, fires of haze their heart is sent
Toiling in misery and lament
Savaged and severed by our regret
The heavenly woman grows old and frail
And the man still treads the sinful trail
As the rotting tree withers into dust
Can I revive it? –I must!
Low as low can possibly be
I watch myself condescendingly
A tombstone, gray and hell-bent
Frowning knowingly in bewilderment
Above the dust that once was a tree
She cries out a verse anxiously
Faintly she whispers the undying hymn
Not of happiness, nothing of whim
And prays that life will come to end
For those that break instead of bend
When I am Colder,Older and then alone...
I will collect the sky on my own...
When the art has faded and the days then fade-
when everyone has gone away...
I may finally see what never was saw
.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh............... the quiet sky
The unlit room which bares my end...shows the flashes of my pains my joys and sins.
This life has been a strange one since the curtains were drawn
These paper and plastic figures have clouded the dawn
I was once younger,foolish,and obsessed with truth
Now I am bitter,sour,dour faced with my heart under shoe
The children were all searching or lost in a crowd
All weeds in a garden...growing vile and foul
Though beauty was sold it never came true
Obsessions and vanity have traveled safe through
Materials and poison and everything lost
have been burned in the fires or lost in the frost
I stand face to mirror tearing my being apart
Winding thoughts of love,pain,god,and art
As the sun sets and the darkness grows
I too shall follow this pattern in tow
Death has a friendly hand and a pretty face
She has given me comfort as I leave this place
The wars have occurred,humanity's lost
Souls have been burnt in the fire or lost in the frost
Day was Life,Night is Death
And the latter has given counsel on my final steps
He was always so happy
strong and bold.
He'd give you the shirt off of his back.
He had a rough life
growing up through the depression,
but like he always does,
he got through it.
He has two boys, of whom he is so proud.
Moved from Regina, to Victoria.
He had the best life anyone his age could have wanted.
But ever since his wife died,
he has not been the same.
But like he has always done,
he got through it.
just a little forgetful.
That's how it always starts out...
But like always, he powered through it,
He is not the same person that I used to know.
He been sentenced to the prison in his own mind.
Possessed by the thoughts of his dogs ashes.
He likes to play the blame game,
but we know he doesn't remember that it was him.
He wakes up in the night
shaking with pain,
tears streaming down his face.
There is nothing we can do,
Two more tylenol.
Hold on to hope
for as long as you can,
It's only a matter of time now.
He gets vocal, a very loud tone.
He'll block you in your room
and make false accusations
But we know that it's the pain induced monster in him.
Tick tock, tick tock...
You can't handle the stress anymore
you have to leave.
Just hope for the best,
maybe it will get better.
Surprise, it doesn't.
Your denial is foolish, everyone knows
what happens next.
All results of
By M. Taha Effendi
Amidst the gloom of night's dark shroud,
lurks Death in far corners of the shade.
To vanquish my fears to God I bowed,
And death shall find me... unafraid.
Amidst this vale of tears and pain,
my heart in life's robbed solace bled.
God gave me strength to stand again,
I found peace in His words I read.
In pleasures and crime my life is spent,
with sins the wretched soul is weighed.
But God's love taught me to repent,
He pursued me everytime I strayed.
It matters not how dark the past,
how much the evil takes its toll.
Darkness thrives but never shall last,
The Savior redeems the conquered soul.
(Inspired by "Invictus" by William Ernest
Please forgive me
for i know not what i do
As I surmise all that is me strewn and cluttered,
My conscious lies casually shorn and shuttered,
For here lie the spoils of stubborn iniquity,
I shuffle and toil, floundering in frailty.
Oh what great havoc, what conscious so lewd,
Creates such traffic which now spoils the fruit,
Of truly righteous deeds committed by a scurrilous man,
Of whom I could no better know, no better understand,
For this terribly lost and forever forlorn soul,
Is none other than me shivering and sniveling so,
And as helpless as I suddenly appear to be,
I now understand the strength pride provides so easily,
For there is purpose in pride, yet none in shame,
As ambition carries us blind to who’s at blame,
And just where is the woe when the devil may care,
For we are soon found alone, our conscious left bare,
And as I embark into this desolate place,
My horrors so dark, my fears crimson in taste,
Forward I race into the perilous pit,
With none other to blame for this simple life I quit.
Looking dead at me in this smeared mirror...
a lost man
the longer I stare
this stress abuses
my conscience with a glare
a guilty reflection warns
my mind is the prison I fear
as I long to escape
from the hell I dwell in
who have I become?
what have I done right?
crossroads appear suddenly
as fog fills the mirror tonight
darkness owning the room,
prefers I suffer slow
so I proceed with speed
because it’s the only way I know
flood my life’s hard bound chapters
while this smeared mirror reflects tears
dripping from a face
which was once filled with laughter.
My favorite of songs is The Old Rugged Cross.
The most tragic of days was the worlds’ greatest loss.
For sinners that day were all given their chance.
His Father in heaven could not even bear to look not even one glance.
Forgive them He prayed as His life’s blood ran down to the ground.
Can you picture Him there wearing that thorny old crown?
On that hill so far away, sad but precious memories were made.
Born of a virgin mother in the tomb He was laid.
Death could not hold Him, death would not last.
Three days in that tomb, so long ago, death too it would pass.
He arose and was seen by many it was said.
Our Savior arose from the grave and no longer was dead.
As He gave His final words to His apostles and friends.
He ascended to the clouds but they knew they would see Him again.
He made us a promise He would rule once again.
I feel that day is coming we’re reaching the end.
The prophecies that abound.
With each new day they seem to be coming unwound.
Are you ready my friend for the Millennium Reign?
Are have you sunk to wearing the mark worn by Cain?
Sacrifices my friend we all have to do.
Just look at Jesus and the sacrifice He made, was made just for you .
So on that hill so far away I kneel at the thought.
With His precious blood my cleansing was bought.
And what have we learned, or did He die just for nought?
I look to Jesus and His love I have sought.
He must come first in all that we do.
And when the day comes you’ll see I speak true.
my heart breathes its last breath
Embraces its own death
Ready to be reborn
and made anew
Can’t live a lie
Refuse to “do”
and I’ll DIE....
Focus now on why I’ll live
And never touch the sky.
I have to forget you
I have to reject you
But I will never love anyone
like I loved you.....
I heard you whisper
and you never knew it
I wiped the tears from your eyes
But you couldn’t feel it
You’re lost and you’ll never find you
And neither will I
And I’m so sorry--
but I’m NOT.
I'll attempt to reset
Try to forget
But you know, I never will.
Be my dirty little secret
My very worst-kept secret
Sweet, smooth, beautiful poison
My infernal and endless attraction
towards complete and utter self-destruction
I fell in love with the devil
And it will take one heck of an angel
To save me from the likes of you....
my dream never to come true
Oh, I’ll never forget the times
we never shared
I’ll never forget
how you were never there
Always me, the stars, and tears
And I ask you,
what kind of life is THAT?
I have to face the facts
I don’t know what happens now
but it happens without you.
The stains will always be there
the scars will never fade
But the memory of you----
it HAS to.
I could carry the torch forever
But it would only consume me
I can’t cry another tear for you
Or I’ll dry up completely
It doesn’t affect you
and you never deserved me
You’ll go on with your life, too
All, all alone
Because you’ll only ever be in love
Many voices from the past,
Always echoing in my head,
How long can it last,
I thought you were dead.
You always tell me what to do,
So I don't make a mistake,
Somehow you always knew,
How many I could make.
Because once I hurt you,
And you'll never let me forget,
But what can I do,
You're not quite dead yet.
Why won't you leave me alone,
Will you never forgive me,
I wish I could atone,
Please, just let me be.
The hollow echo of your voice,
Will linger on forever,
You've given me no choice,
It'll never stop, ever.
The sound of you used to make me smile,
But now it tortures me,
I will always be in denial,
So an end I'll never see.
Written by: Kelly Deschler
Giorgio V.'s contest - "Impress Me 2" - themes-gothic/spiritual
Here in this room again
the fan on low…
and I’m not to be trusted
can’t be left alone here
with shot gun temples
and a soul full of fear
no worse place than now
I can’t yell it more clearly
I beg for your attention
but I can’t stand you near me
in the blood of my veins
I’d cut off my hands
to send toxins to drain
yet I’m too gutsy for action
say that in public
imagine the reaction
I sit in whirl pools
but I’ve always hated heat
and claim to take a stand
but I’m lazy at my seat
and I’m always on time
as I miss the bus again
I lie in your face
with a devilish grin
and swear I didn’t mean it
I talk about my conscience
still I’ve never seen it
in a world of swirling confusions
I’m stuck on the spin cycle
my game’s not over
I need a fresh start
I’m begging for new blood
cus’ I’ve got a good heart
He glances out the window,
And watches the sunset,
But he doesn’t see the beauty,
Nor the warm rays which,
Pierces through the glass,
Only the anticipation and,
Anxiety of a long night,
Carefully, he watches,
The colors change,
First the bright orange,
"God I pray this never ends…"
Filling with a deep red,
"Just a little while longer…"
Slowly softening to the,
Deceptive pinks and purples,
"Please, one more minute…"
Fading into the crimson black,
Which only night can bring,
Reluctantly, he gets ready for sleep,
Yet, knows it will never come,
He tossed and turns,
Half praying, half waiting,
Knowing what will happen,
In the way only a child can,
A light! It peeks through a crack,
In the door as a shadow floods the opening,
Quickly, the figure slips through the door,
And shuts it softly, but not without the,
Empty creak which has become so familiar,
The shadow climbs in beside him,
Touching his trembling leg, whispering,
“Hush little brother, it’ll be alright,
While I’m here, have no fear,
I’ll keep you safe tonight,”
He struggles and writhes,
Sadly knowing he will never,
Break the grip and prays to faint,
To loss all consciousness and,
Memory of that horrible night,
Just for one night without the pain,
Just for one night without,
The cold empty feeling,
Several years pass, too many to count,
A single call, one he had never expected,
He rushes to the hospital to find,
His tormentor for so many years,
Lying on a cold, hard bed,
Able to move, but only by pushing a button,
Able to speak, but only with a whisper,
He stays by him for weeks, caring for him,
Reading to him, watching over him,
Still suffering, still unable to move,
He takes his brother home,
The day goes on, moving slow as all,
The evening comes and he,
Watches once more as the sun sets,
Carefully watching, Orange to red,
Red to purple, and as the purple turns to black,
He walks into the room where his brother lies,
Slowly, he sits next to him, holding a pillow,
Stroking his head whispering,
“Hush big brother, it’ll be alright,
While I’m here, have no fear,
I’ll keep you safe tonight,”
The difference between right and wrong,
Can be hard to find,
But who’s there to see you,
When justice is blind?
I do not know?
The cold touch of the metal
On my soft bare skin
The turn out can only be fatal
Ill do this with a grin
No one can ever tell
That i even feel this way
Depression doesnt ring their bell
But i know that this is the day
The day this all ends
The day that i fade
The day i make amends
The day i wont be afraid
Iv hidden it for so long
No ones ever known
Im not really this strong
The real me has never been shown
This metal razor is cold
On my oh so soft bare skin
The move im making will be bold
When i decide to let depression win
My life cut short
My life gone
My life had no support
My life is done
This razor now bloody
With a smile on my face
No movement from my body
My smile not out of place
Lying on the floor
Note tucked in my hand
Please do not ignore
For this is what it read
"I ended it for you
I ended it so be happy
Its what i had to do
I even made it snappy
You were the one
That i chose
You made me numb
And let me go
My life had its ending
But see im smiling
Im still pretending
That your 'i love you' wasn't you lying"
I forgot Him who stood by me all this time
Now with nothing left I go back to Him
And He soothes me with a soft hand
Strokes my hair tells me its all about to end
My pain my guilt its Him who's left
He tells me its a choice I have to make
Death is always an option never self imposed
He told me He is not cruel, He loves me a lot
When I cry in the corner , He wipes my tears
Life might be unfair , but death is not
A new beginning is all what I want
He told me I have never let go of faith
Even when I sinned or betrayed
He sighed when I made mistakes
He smiled at the lessons learned
He looked at me when I looked away
He was there to talk when no one was
He saved me from so much that could have gone wrong
I drifted away , He brought me back
He showed me the way , when I was lost
He trusted me but I trusted no one
Now when I gave up He came to me again
I looked for everyone , never thought its Him
Asked Him , how did I find you?
He said I am amongst those pieces of your broken heart
I was shocked , you were here all this time?
Yes I was always in your beating heart
I felt the pain more than you did
Every time you cried, i was crying with you
Did they realize they stabbed me when they hurt this heart
It bleeds with my pain and some of yours
We are one maryam, all hearts combined
Man will never realize , its the same for all of us
You have to keep breaking your heart to discover me
You look astonished , is it hard to believe?
I replied , you dwell in the heart and I have hurt some too
Yes , I felt that more than they did boo
I am sorry , I don't know why you are still with me
Because I can't let you go , you are a part of me
He said , man is guilty but how soon he forgets
I love all , more than a mother who begets
You are scared of hell, is that why you pray?
The fire is more powerful, then the love I display?
You have been given free will to perceive
Fear of my brutality is not what I need
They think I'm unfair , ruthless and cruel
some scared to say , I know , I made you fool
You've made your own ways of getting close to me
Everyway I adore , I acknowledge everything you do
Universe is love , not some punishment and rules
Believe that I am, and the truth appears to you
If I wanted slaves, I would give you no will
Man is made to discover , man is made to choose
I listen and I watch , I never let you go
You are so dear to me,every unique soul
So its your decision now, come see more
Death is just the beginning of what you really are
The man with the plastic bug in his head
monopolized my dreams last night
in the place that the horsefly of my dignity
finally surrender to the impresario without a fight.
Seven days and 7 hours transplanted in my memorabilia
reminding the rustiness of the purple child
flatterers danced beneath the clouds of melancholy
and morality spreader the master plan inside my mind.
The disinheritance of my immortality the final day
discouraged my desire to see the forbidden love
restored my will to escape
manipulated the deep of the uncertainty above.
Released from the plastic bug in my head
try to cover my yellow child in the purple sky
seven days and seven hours before he dies.
Moon Walk on Your Grave
A life begun in stardom,
now, ending up in shame.
Relentless media, cruel world,
who then is there to blame.
A sadness inside,
no tears on your face.
The pain all but over,
mass confusion erase.
In wonder we watch,
can a life be explained?
Can't surface your agony,
under facade you remained.
Let's focus on the talent,
musical joy that you gave.
In peace now I pray,
moon walk on your grave.
© Rene' Brady 2009
slightly small mostly black
think of my kids
that's what holds me back
cracks in my heart
such a delicate shell
tears fill my eyes
my eyes start to swell
try to be a new me
no drugs no liquor
now my eyes open wide
more reasons to pull the trigger
thought it was real
did you mean what you said
starting to see the truth
make the target my head
holding back so much pain
but still some leaks out
no one to talk to
feel better with cold metal in my mouth
no peace in my soul
it will not rest
another thought comes to mind
aim straight for my chest
even then I cry
thinking of taking a last breath
seriously thinking without me
would the children be best
feeling like a criminal
I've committed no theft
here is a person that's broken
I have nothing left
I'll walk away now
before I do something stupid
stop leaving it around
one day I might use it
no, no.... I can't
gotta remember my babies
this is a silent prayer I'm tormented
God please save me
Sheathed beneath fey
Ever reclining, ne’er still,
Strenuous tendons, canvassed abruptly,
Sewn and cast upon the ochre ash baize;
Shards slanderous, prosaic splinters,
Obituaries embroidered, solely trough grace.
Sheathed beneath fey
Ever reclining, ne’er still,
Ether let heathers, tore, tread an’ scorn,
Wheaten wore sought, tethered ought-
Shorn, praised amidst, timorous gaze,
Obituaries embroidered, solely trough grace.
Sheathed beneath fey
Ever reclining, ne’er still.
stop pretending you care, you never loved me
but your eyes filled with bliss my every day
i know i'm not her, i'm not trying to be
all my hopes of acceptance will fade away
polite words of love do me harm
stop saying things you dont believe
i could cover my corpse with your arm
but its worthless since you shall deceive
i dont want to admit who you are
the purpose itself is in vain
depressed angels could start war
seeing my dieing reflectons of pain
please tell my weak heart you cant
you are not, you shall never be tru
for,my love,deep dreams i shall haunt
everytime black leaves are drowning in dew
This new born day I celebrate your souls release from guilt n’ captivity since that day you
felt a carnal touch of sin within as your hands played poetically upon the curves of your dead
lover’s silken skin…
I know now you made your way to the top of the rocks to plant a tree to guard this sacred
place where I fell from thee n’ you repeated the poetic chant of love’s abandoning to follow
me into our karmic destiny…
On that fateful day your soul bled away at the top of this crest by a solitary juvenile tree,
your body of words fell to the rocks at the base of this cliff, embroidered into the blood of
The one who would hold a feather to her face on this crest by the sea n’ remember finally
the days gone by of you n’ me, our deaths from love’s abandoning when you my love were
lost to this world n’ me for ten centuries…
I now await destiny as we will love forever more with immortal hearts…
As the sun caresses the world
In her warm embrace to wake us,
I held you.
Like a toddler boldly stepping forth
Into the wondrous adventure awaiting,
I taught you.
Admirer, collector, connoisseur of the fine,
I found so much to admire in you,
I appreciated you.
Eyes twinkling starlight, impish grin,
I learned much and you taught me to play,
I grew with you.
The glow of life, a bundle of joy,
You gave me my dream of having a family,
I was you.
Romeo was just a passing fling,
My love was King … none surpassed my strength,
I loved you.
Days now are just empty minutes,
My new quest to find peace and move on,
I forgive you.
Cheeks wet, heart heavy, spirit strong,
Mind firmly stuck on dusty, old Memory Lane,
I miss you.
A rodent in the road
Jammed into my tires
As I screeched to a halt,
Then bolted past
Remembering a deer
In the headlights
A victim underneath me
Forever frozen in ice
And slow motioned into
Sleepwalking in my mind
An instant replay triggered
By any myriad of buttons
Pushed at random
An overheard conversation
At the dentist’s office
Sending x-ray recollections
Into forward play and
Changing my breath and
My complexion as I relive
Clawed forever into a brain
Those guilty priests cannot forgive
Even God has allowed me to allow the
Remnants to remain for now
Brushed against my heart
Like orange and purple sunsets
At Palisades Park.
The tragedy of a Miracle started today
Our Lord’s brutalized body passed away
Of all the tragedies in the history of man
This is one I try to grasp, but never can
For some reason I find it impossible to see
We crucified the greatest man in our history
Through all of the gain and all of the loss
It was a predestined coin man had to toss
I wonder how Pilot must have felt that day
He washed cowards hands in a cowardly way
Beaten and tortured, his skin ripped to shreds
As a thorny crown dug holes into Jesus’ head
While nailed to the cross he had one final goal
Through the mercy of love he saved another soul
He saved that soul and then our Lord Jesus died
Can you imagine the countless tears that were cried?
As we all know Jesus' body was placed into a tomb
To my minds eye it was no less than a spiritual womb
And from inside that womb salvation was born
For the tomb was found empty come Sunday morn
This is not how the story ends it is only how it starts
The Lord now lives up inside each one of our hearts
Even those lost in Prison, the ones like I used to be
Can turn to the Lord and then they will be set free
Freedom is a thing that I think we all strive to find
It is etched in our heart and engraved in our mind
I was locked up in a cell nestled tightly away
Facing several years that I would have to pay
Up inside of that cell I made my own decree
A true miracle was taking place inside of me
I was a very evil man and I was so proud to show it
In the wink of an eye I was transformed into a Poet
I learned there is only one way to truly be free
Ask of the Lord, “ Jesus please come unto me”
And just as the Lord Jesus Christ rose up out of his tomb
We can all live with-in the comfort of his spiritual womb
Please do not think of me and weep.
I did not die on that dim lit street.
I'm the sun that shines on you in a warm loving way.
I'm the son you'll reunite with on some future day.
I'm the young man in your car whom you taught how to drive.
I'm the little boy who looked up to you as I walked by your side.
I'm the sound of children laughing full of happiness and glee.
Do you recall how much I'd laugh when you'd often tickle me?
I'm all those Birthdays and Christmas Holidays that you never forgot.
You would shower me with presents whether I was a good boy or not.
I know that you miss me, that's why I show up
in your dreams as a child or sometimes grown up,
but after the dream has ended, you awaken feeling sad.
Perhaps this will cheer you up.
You Were The Greatest Dad I Could Have Ever Had.
You took me out camping and taught me how to swim.
We'd race and play games and you'd always let me win.
You took me bike riding every morning before school.
All my friends used to tell me, "Your dad's really cool."
I'm all of those bright blue eyed boys that you occasionally see
who all seem to have a striking resemblance of me.
So please Dad, don't ever think of me and cry.
My Presence Is All Around You.
I will never die.
Your Loving Son Always,
05/04/1974 - 10/27/1991
You Will Never Be Forgotten
You Will Always Be Loved
Rest In Peace My Beloved Son
"To the one held responsible and accountable for my son's death.
To the one responsible for taking my son's last dying breath.
To the one who caused so much misery and sorrow to your family and mine.
To the one found guilty of manslaughter who has now served his time.
If you are truly remorseful, then I've only one last thing to say to you.
If you are truly remorseful then I Forgive you."
Arms Of Love
Who was this woman we called mother
Who we look at like no other
Who was suppose to keep us safe and
never, never, hurt us
Did she not see our pain that day
Did she not hear our cries
What did she have to gain
by taking away our lives
When she closes her eyes at night
Does she see our faces
Does she look at us in fright
and wish she could trade places
We are safe now
Wrapped up in arms of love
and we will never have to be afraid
of someone that we love