(sing to tune of Hush Little Baby)
Hush, little PD, don't say a word.
Nathan's gonna buy you a mocking bird.
If that bird makes fun of you....
that's what that bird is supposed to do!
Take that bird and trade it in.
Buy yourself a coat made of leopard skin.
Take great care to not go out
anywhere that PETA might be about.
You could get hit in the head.
PETA activists can sure see red.
If a new coat you don't need,
how about a new cat, Persian breed?
If that cat sheds too much hair,
have Nathan take you out to a fair.
Fairs are fun. You can't go wrong.
Are you fast asleep yet from this dumb song?
If you're not, I have to say....
your insomnia is here to STAY.
Written by Andrea on Oct. 22, 2012
For Send me to sleep....... Poetry Contest
Happy ZZZZZZZZs to you, PD
-honestly...I have no clue why...-
As I began to rest in my fickle dream
Suddenly I was stirred from my sleep
I was greeted by many a whisker
And petulant snores from my sister
The cat mewed ferociously and purred
For there on the other side of the window—was a bird!
It chirped like a wobbly siren—the ass!
And I swear by my bosom it was pecking the glass
Suddenly, I sprang up in alarm
I swear my bosom was gone!
The cat then motioned at the feathered brat
For her bright breasts seemed extra fat
Of course it wouldn’t have been that
But I couldn’t just blame the cat!
I opened the window only a crack
And asked very kindly, “May I have my breasts back?”
Such pride she attained from my bosom
Yet why? –how would she use ‘em!?
The mockingbird merely turned a goodbye
But the stolen twins were too heavy to fly!
She plopped to the ground and squawked
I would have laughed, but I was shocked!
The cat scratched at the window and with her eyes
Said, “Prithee, take your breasts—she’s mine!”
Before I could think I had fallen to the ground
To a booming, most terrible sound!
My eyes then opened to a cat on my head
As the booming sound continued from my sister’s bed
They organized a church bazaar,
To raise money for the poor.
A booth for selling chances
Was set up, outside the door.
When I bought the raffle ticket,
My reasoning was murky,
And I could only just believe it,
When I won that doggone turkey.
Now, the kids were all excited
When we brought the critter home.
So we placed him in the barnyard,
Where he'd have lots of room to roam.
Since the date was late October,
I'm quite sure you understand,
That to have him for Thanksgiving
Was my awe inspiring plan.
Well, the turkey was no birdbrain,
As I was very soon to find.
That bird knew what I was thinking;
Why, I declare, he read my mind.
I let the children care for him,
To my most profound regret--
He turned on his charming manner,
And, quickly, he became their pet.
But that fact did not deter me,
I told myself it didn't matter.
I was dead set and determined
To see that gobbler on a platter.
When the kids perceived my purpose,
They turned on the tears and pleas.
Then, the wife joined in their chorus,
And that brought me to my knees.
So I told my grieving family
They could dry up, and relax.
I concealed my disappointment--
Went and put away the axe.
Came the dinner of Thanksgiving,
Not a sad face could be found.
And our live Thanksgiving turkey
Was the gladdest bird around.
We gathered around the table,
And I humbly asked the blessing--
While Tom gobbled down his corn, outside,
We had hotdogs and dressing.
I don’t know what I’m complaining about,
it’s not like I’ve been cuffed,
All I have to do is show up for dinner.
After all it’s the bird that got stuffed.
It’s not like they’re asking a lot from me
they won’t work me till I’ve croaked,
All I have to do is show up and eat.
After all it’s the bird that got smoked.
I can’t tell you that they’ll torture me
and it seems to be reasonably priced,
All I have to do is visit for a while.
After all it’s the bird that got sliced.
I could tell them things to make them laugh
until their gravy becomes splattered,
All I’d have to do is tell a joke to them.
After all it’s the bird that got plattered.
I think that it smells good enough that I’ll eat
until they claim my leg’s been hollowed,
All I have to do is not complain about things.
After all it’s the bird that got swallowed.
I’ve never given it much thought before
but a bird’s life is really kind of murky
I guess I’d rather be the Thanksgiving guest today
than be the Thanksgiving Turkey.
The worst nightmare would be if I
Was an ostrich, and (of course) couldn’t fly.
The fly-guys sit around chugging bird-beer
Boasting of chicks they’ve held dear -
And tales of diving and soaring -
But my earthbound tail is boring.
They exclude me because I’m absurd -
I’m not a real bird. . . . not a bird’s bird.
But if there was reincarnation later,
I’d want to be a penguin, a wearer
Of a smart suit like a posh waiter,
With a kick-ass name like Emperor.
Surely all would find the idea bold:
A story for other birds to be retold.
Yes, my bird-cred card would be gold,
Enjoying the Antarctic cold.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
(This is a fictional poem)
Coo-Coo Ca-Ca Chu!
That means a bird’s crapped on you!
That’s not nice at all!
Big-eyed hoot owl perched in a tree,
hunting for prey while eyeing me.
He swooped down swiftly and caught a mouse,
flew up and landed on the eave of my house.
Old hooty owl quickly ate the vile little beast,
burped once loudly, then glided off slowly due east.
Wise Mr. Owl will return late tomorrow evening,
perch up high in the same darn tree and give me a warning
by turning his swiveling head 180 degrees all of the way backwards,
giving me a wild-eyed wink and dropping on my sidewalk a couple of turds.
My mynah bird can’t spell a word
But he can surely speak it.
He squawks all day in mindless rants
And really makes a racket.
Whenever our TV is on
He’ll cock his head and listen,
Then he recites commercials for
Dish soap and cures for bald men.
My mynah bird can mimic me.
He never shuts his fat beak.
And when he copies my poor mom,
She turns into a real freak!
“Do something with that awful bird!”
I often hear her holler,
“I’ll ship him off to Timbuktu,
You bet your bottom dollar!”
So yesterday I moved his cage
Next to the open window
Where he could chatter with a squirrel
Or babble with a black crow.
I played outside with my friend Nate.
We climbed up in our old tree
Where Nate told me what he just heard
From his big brother Andy.
It was the ‘latest slang’ he said.
I thought it sounded real cool-
And so did my rat mynah bird
Who played me for a big fool.
At dinner time when all our mouths
Were filled with mom’s spaghetti,
My mynah bird just blurted out
What he heard my friend tell me.
Then mom dragged me straight down the hall-
I felt like such a dumb dope
When she presented my dessert-
A plate of sudsy bar soap!
I choked and gagged on my own words.
Oh, I’d make that mynah tweet!
Getting even with blabber mouths
Made that bitter soap taste sweet!
This morning I phoned my friend Nate-
We knew we’d get revenge soon.
That bird must learn to bite his tongue
Or he’d sing a different tune.
I grabbed his cage and toted him
On the back of my old bike,
And met Nate at the only place
Mynah birds don’t ever like
We went inside and stood in line.
Then my nasty mynah sang.
He belted out commercial tunes
Interjected with ‘cool slang.’
Shocked mothers hugged their precious kids
To shield their tender, young ears.
Old ladies gasped, “Well I never-
In all my live long years!”
The clerk leaned over, stared, then barked,
“Now, what can I do for yooooou?”
“How much to ship this mynah bird
From my house to Timbuktu?”
As children are
They all want a pet
I wanted a horse
My little sister wanted a pony
Our parents compromised
They got us a goldfish
Of course we had to name our new pet
We compromised yet again and called him
Now turtle would spend hours and hours
Running and jumping around an around in his watery fields
A very fast Turtle he was
We decided to film our little turtle and so we did
The show off would make jokes and acrobats
Turns out he was a real comedian
(also an expert at cards, especially Go Fish)
To out surprise, an evil man didn’t like our wee turtle
Why he called him a darn little monkey
He said he would shatter our fish bowl
Well he called it a Monkey bowel
Then one day we saw something miraculous
A second gold fish
Turns out he was a she
Happily now my sister and I both had pets
She a wee little pony and me
A great big beautiful black stallion
She name her Pony Grasshopper
So worried she was, that the evil man from far away
Would do great harm to us, Grasshopper and Turtle
She said we should get on our pony and horse
And ride away on the ocean, far away and safe
Then all of a sudden, our neighbors Korean Siamese cat jumped
Right through the window, and right smack into the fish bowl
Poor Turtle and Grasshopper, all over the floor
My sister cried her little heart out that day
From that moment forward, I just could never get myself
To drink Orange crush again
Is a maniac.
He ate a turd
From a sick bird.
That’s a sad fact.
Hey there Owl sitting up in that tree,
What are you doing looking down at me?
So with a quick little wink and a short little sigh,
that old Owl just replied,
Well I don't see any mice or rabbits or bears ,
no Eagles or Hawks or Robins, any where.
No Deer or Elk or even a Moose,
So then; yes Mr. Owl I was speaking to you.
That old owl just turned his head,
looked the other way and calmly said;
So with a bit of disgust I started again,
naming off animals, and even some kin,
I don't see an Elephant or a Zebra or even a laughing Hyena,
I don't see my brother or sister or even Aunt Myrtle,
Why I don't even see a slow crawling Turtle.
That old Owl turned his head about and looked straight at me,
and with a bit of chagrin in his eye which I could see, said;
I could see I was getting no where fast,
and this questioning I was doing was not going to last.
So I decided I would end it and just walk away.
I was wasting my time trying to get him to say;
So I turned and started to walk away,
when I heard these words, in a wise old way.
"I am the wisest of all the birds, because I listen to all I've heard.
I don't interrupt and I wait my turn,
these things are what make me the wisest bird."
I turned back to him and with a wink and grin,
I simply said;
What does the swan say?
“I am very elegant
as far as fowls go.”
You all must read Sara Kendrick’s poem the “Chicken” before reading this one!!!!
Thanks Sara for giving me such a great idea!!!!!
Broadways.... "Chicken Play"
The stage was dimly lit
For the opening of this play
The crowd was clucking in anticipation
They had no idea
A love story
A play of philosophy
The writer used a feather quill
Was this not a hint?
The main actress, was a real bird she was
She strutted and strolled
The audience was captivated
Her allure was on display
Her beauty hid she was heartless hen
Out jumped the Kernel Saunders!!!!
Sword in one hand
13 secret spices in the other
Well, this birds suitors ran to her defense
To no avail at all
These buccaneers would end up in a bucket
I do not lie
It included the fries
Sadly parts where tosses to and fro
Necks and wings and breasts were sliced
It sure was not a pretty sight
A civil war this was not
The dame was slaughtered on a southern shore
Let this me a lesson to you all you gizards
While the chickens are away
It’s for sure
This silly poet will play!!
There once was a Bird named Cher
who's resolution was not to swear
she duct taped her beak
where not a word could leak
and fluttered her wings in prayer
What does the duck say?
“You quack me up with your jokes.
You are quite funny.”
What does the crow say?
“When I’m the farmer’s greatest
enemy, life sucks.”
Long miles of tedious journey,
Missing my darling honey.
Travelling impatiently, spend thousands of
Hope god will bless me with ma lucky soul
at this season.
Equatorial island exploring its amazed
beauty, glittering with immersed grasses.
Wrapped by queens necklaced small lake
aside, at the outskirts of dalhousie.
My heart dwelled into its god gifted
When the night lime lighted,
Millions of stars scattered around
As if its was a wondering boon.
Lucky enough for landing with my next
Eagerly waiting for my heart chaser,
Girl passed near by, few seconds later.
Flaming beauty mould my soul.
Topped with innocence, ready for my
Her chic appearance,
Her innocent appeal.
Strucking heart raised with high beats..
Awaited for our romantic date in ma
Frequency of our nature matched.
Stolen Eyes of each other were catched.
Strings of our heart whistled
Everything had happened miraclelously.
I rebelled the three precious words of
Accepting my red rose, She blushed.
At event of recreation, campfire were
Nobody around us, private moments
between we two spotlighted.
Playing guitar, she sinked with every beat,
That's the coincidence our eyes again
Hand in hand danced with the soothing
Sparkling smile on her face beamed.
Getting closer to her, because of her
Expecting the light around us to be dim.
The romantic moment again came,
Flaps of my soul opened for the grand
She looked too pretty in her gold lame
My heart awarded her an order of chivalry.
Don't know who are you, but baby you are
the one, I am in love.
You live in me, You are my love
I feel you in my heart,
You are my world, I just cant stay apart!
Please don't hesitate, please don't lie,
Whatever you feel, my heart can buy!
Angel of life, Its just you.
Completeness in life can't be without you.
Wanna Carry journey happily together.
Tickling nose, Queenly beauty of my white
Hold my senses, its caught by you.
Don't let be just memories, wanna feel
ecstasy of love towards you forever.
Promising to hold your hand throughout
life in this lovely weather.
Will be your shadow, because your pain
will be mine.
Its destiny that our heart clicked a
snapshot of each other's soul.
Stopping by my question, Will you marry
me, my Kindred Soul?
What does the goose say?
“No, you can’t have my feathers
to fill your pillow.”
Could a scythe cut a slice
from a sycamore tree?
If a bird had no feathers
what bird would it be?
If a square had three corners
would it still be a square?
Will your curls always swirl
if you tug at your hair?
My curls will always swirl
For questions make them so
You will question me ‘why’
when my answer is ‘no’.
If I answer you ‘yes’
You will question with ‘how’
If a tree could grow knowledge
I'd reach for a bough.
It fell from the sky.
I have a knot on my head.
Dead pigeon falling.
My husband has a new friend , it's not "best man's".
It's a winged , feathered cliche that's taken a stand.
He lives in a tree or on our porch rail.
Don't ask what it's doing when it flicking it's tail .
It's lived here for months and won't fly away .
I've consider naming him until husband looks my way .
It's really quite funny to see my love rant .
Swearing , cussing and being ty-rant .
Hosing and washing should be a deterrent
But believe me when I say that bird is divergent .
I think he is mourning the loss of a mate ,
IT's passing won't be too soon , my husband can't wait .
He'd blast him for sure without even a word .
But damn it to hell , he's our freakin state bird !
My son keeps repeating it's unconstitutional .
My husband just smiles looking quite mad and delusional .
Maybe come Spring he'll fly from here .
Find another mate , far away , not near .
I try to be serious and try not to giggle .
But over his shoulder I see that bird wiggle .
The swearing and cussing starts over once more .
Grabbing his weapons he storms out the door .
For now I'll just watch as the battle goes on .
Bird against man , armed with a bottle of Dawn .
Woman, shut your trap
I can’t get a word in edge ways because of your flap
Let me speak and you will see
It was another bird having an affair who looked like me
Shut your clanging man hole, for goodness sake
Me head is splitting, give me a break
Now you will suffer from lockjaw
As I clamp your beak with my left claw
Who the hell is this other female bird?
I would not cheat on you that would be absurd
Look around we all look alike
Do something useful like loose weight, get a bike
If you keep making a scene I’ll take a hike
Don’t you dare flap your wings at me
With your tweet, tweet, tweet twittering
Leave me alone, get a life
Oh forgive me madam, wrong wife…
** Francine Roberts’ contest**
I have 3 cute cats
They love running through
my house chasing each other.
They have a favorite
window which holds all 3 of them
quite well so they can see outside.
The same time everyday
after their play they all settle in
together watching for the visitors
who come outside their window.
The bird feeder is full
of seed and the squirrels eat all
Inside they their eyes glued
on the visitors who are invading
their yard tails swishing back and
forth as fast as they can.
Than the chattering start.s
it is in kitty talk but I am sure they
are saying things to the birds and
squirrels that they do not want me
After awhile they all
are bored and frustrated because
tonight they won't have bird or
~~Planet Earth And The Oozlum Bird
There was a question I was asked - just the other day
Is the earth flat? - Well what do you think I'd say?
I looked out of the window, and pondered on this thought
A flat earth not round... but I came up with nought.
A flat earth maybe, but we could fall off the edge
Or is it surrounded by a great big privet hedge.
How can we tell from our own window frame if the earth is a ball or flat -
To work it out is my aim, and thats hard from where I'm sat.
The formulae for finding - the horizon of the land we can see
The assumption being it’s round - or spherical to you and me.
Firstly distance from the observers eyes to the horizon we must square,
This equals the square of the height of the observers’ eyes - I suppose that means the pair.
This must be added to two times the radius, multiply by the height of the observer.
Now I am getting a bit confused but I carry on with a fervour.
The assumption must be according to this equation
That the earth is a ball - so on this occasion...
I consider the planet a bit like - the legendary Oozlum Bird
If we go round in a straight line - now I know this is absurd
But as the bird ran round and round chasing its own tail
It disappeared up its own ass - have you heard that tale?
Round and round we go on this planet ball of ours
Chasing our tails sometimes - for hours and for hours
The planet is round and I think... not a flat earth
Or we would never have the chance to return, and laugh with such mirth
As we see everyone chasing their own tails on their own ass
We know like the Oozlum Bird if we are not careful...what will come to pass.
the shipwrecked sailor
from the North
lands on land
between the seas
nothing but trees
the trees shade him from the sun
in the sky
the sky provides a medium
in which the birds
from the trees
and the birds
nested in the trees
provide the sailor
birds to fry
the shipwrecked sailor
after his bird meal
still can’t fly
When Santa got stuck down the chimney
What a terrible fright for young lives
Imagine the sight that then met them
Imagine their awful surprise.
With a crash and a thump and a holler
A bang and a whoosh and a boom
The magical globe trotting Santa
Daintily entered their room!
He landed full square in their fireplace
His hat flopped down over his eyes
He looked really much more like Black Beard
Except he was double the size.
The children sat up in amazement
Then hid and peeped through a crack
As this unfortunate dirty old Santa
Was hit on the head by his sack.
The air turned quite blue for a moment
When he finally uttered a cry
I’ve hurt every bone in my body
Was the gist of what he implied
Now Rudolph looked down from above him
Shook his head and then let out a sigh
Get up you clumsy old has been
We still have work left to do tonight.
Well Santa looked right up that chimney
His plight became clear in a flash
He was stuck with his sack at the bottom
And didn’t know how to get back.
The children, still hid in the corner
Just couldn’t believe what they saw
As this dirty old Santa recovered
Did his job and then limped out the door.
They watched as he climbed out the window
His suit now completely akimbo
But Rudolph was there with the sleigh and a spare
He now had clean clothes to change into.
Once more Rudolph rescued the big man
Stamped his hoof, got him out of his whirl
Threatened to leave less he focus
You know, of course, Rudolph’s a girl!!!!
The children got up in the morning
Frustrated, annoyed and distressed,
For their bedroom looked just like a bombsite
Where two sacks of gifts had been left
Despite having left him a message
Stating ‘ please do not leave so much trash,
We are modern day children remember
What we want is a cheque or some cash’
A bird sat in a tree
And looked down at me
And said rather musically “uh huh”
He cocked his head to one side
And then the other
Peering straight at me
I of course replied, “uh huh”
Imitating his spontaneous bird talk
He hopped back a step, surprised
Understanding, then answered back, “uh huh”
Delighted with our conversation
I replied with a friendly “uh huh”
I know our conversation is limited
But I’m happy to carry on
This inter specie dialogue
A connection, a shared moment
I’m sure he understands
Nodding his head in affirmation
Then he rattled on and on,
Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Trio of Limericks.
There was an old fellow named Dave
He found a dead chook in a cave
It smelled just a bit
But he had to admit
That a whole lot of coin he did save.
When Andy got randy
There was an old sheep dog named Andy
He had such a liking for brandy
One day he got drunk
And lord how he stunk
Cause with an old skunk he got randy.
Once an old lady named Faye
Who ate like a horse every day
This day she did choke
And it was no joke
Her corpse in a heap now does lay.
He sat on his tree to think
But the smell below was so rank
He's only a bird
Can't speak a word
Oh, how much those humans stink!