Anarchy and misery whispered so softly that only she could hear
their voices, so she threw crabapples at a mail man to draw attention,
ran feral between cars, remapped streets that never gave adequate
directions or a single landmark to show her the way home. Mother
loved the shell her baby bird had long ago broken, a mourning dove
cooing for soft pieces, each scattered peep. Breath, the only thing
that was hers, truly. Oh, the relief to snatch a bored sigh, draw it back,
deny escape. A-gore-rhythms and Form-you-la’s, school’s strangle hold
methodology of mind control. Skip to my Lou. Skip class. Skip through
rush hour traffic. Still, no one understands. No one speaks the language
of Ash. Purge-atory is no fantasy. Every day, the same losses: possibility,
sensitivity, civility. Hey guards, listen to all the things she will never say.
Words, what the hell are they but manufactured strings of disappointment
that she chokes on? The entire world babbles platitudes and lawyers’ lies
and vulgar chastisements. Why speak, why waste a single breath?
They fling their crap, so she returns the favor, knowing they will not
translate her message. They use verbs like pepper spray and cavity search
and solitary confinement. She is nineteen, but the numbers don’t add up,
redo the equation. Just don’t ask questions or try to hurt yourself. Just?
Again, she feels the noose close her throat, smiles at her secret antidote,
the open doors of unconsciousness. A caress, this burn against the neck,
again and again, saved and saved and saved, as though they’d noticed
the flame’s gone, as though someone cared that she’d become soot, ash,
ashes. Ashley? Ashley to ashes to ash to dust, just dust. Just?
About this Poem
Ashley Smith was a troubled teen who would run into traffic, scream at people, cut classes.At 15 year, she was incarcerated for throwing crabapples at a mail man, this led to behavior which kept her in prison. She defied the system, threw feces at guards, refused to comply and strangled herself many times a day. Ashley was restrained in a chair for as long as 8 hours, forced to sleep on mattress-less bed frame, pepper sprayed, tazered and kept mostly in segregation. She would bang her head against the floor until she bled, told a phychologist she felt suicide was her only hope. She was moved 17 times between 8 facilities in only 9 months. On October 17, 2007, Ashley, aged 19, hung herself in her cell as guards merely watched, having been ordered to only intervene once she STOPPED breathing. Her death was filmed. There is currently an inquest into Ashley’s treatment and suicide. For more information-
May change come.
May change come, now.
How it must hurt you so on days like this,
Walking around with a frown clutching your fist.
Hearing the words that are meant to anger you,
Confused you cry because there is nothing you can do.
Your mind is playing tricks on you driving you to say,
I hate you all and the games you play please just go away.
Trusting nobody you are not sure which way you sould go,
It's not real and all in your head is what you do not know.
Waiting to see just what tomorrow will possibly bring,
All will be perfect and you wont rememver a thing.
Your thoughts they torement you almost every day,
Each night asking our Lord why your life is this way.
Feeling so alone thinking there is nobody who cares,
But actually there is so many but you are not aware .
If only you would hear me so you might begin to see,
You must believe in yourself if you want to be free.
You must have some faith if you are to understand ,
What God has in store for you and what he has planned.
All the hurt and anger will soon begin to disappear ,
You'll stand up tall again facing life with no fear.
Please remember always that you are never alone,
By listening with your heart your path will be shown.
A long list of names with not a friend among them
Is it just of book of hidden faces
Not a single word I've ever said was
written with truth
And here's the proof
When there's tears streaming down my face
Stuck in place
Is a smile that is a lie
When every time I look around
I want to die
No friendly faces, in the brightest of places
And I can't make a sound
Is this life or is it just a dark hell
How is one to live without living
Lost in a sea of sound
The darkness inside me
Is seeping through my heart
and making me lose my self control
Turn the shower up higher so they don't hear me cry
It's all I can do, just living a lie
The friends I thought I had
left when I was reaching my lowest
Now as I sink below the surface
The sun is the dimmest of lights
Scratching at my sides
Not ready to go back to the blade
So long gone, I've reached the breaking point
but I'm afraid to let go
The signs started in December
When she started waking up in tears each night
She was a normal girl with dark brown hair and darker brown eyes
She had plenty of friends and a loving family with just one thing missing
Days passed by and turned into weeks but only felt like a few seconds
Her life just whizzed by faster and faster until it was just a whirr in front of her eyes
Darkness filtered into her heart and mind until she didn't know if she could go on
But she had to. She couldn't let her mother and her sister drown in this same pain
She wouldn't let them.
She pushed all the darkness into the depths of her own heart
In hopes to save the hearts of the two people she had left
Because what else was there to live for now?
The rest of her world had crashed and her mother and sister was all that was left
She wouldn't let them drown in pain too.
She watched as they started to heal in her loving arms
Their hearts started to lighten up once more
But hers was just as dark as it was before
And growing darker day by day
But she wouldn't let that stop her.
Suddenly a year had passed... and then two
It only seemed like seconds to her but everyone else started moving on
Her mother and sister no longer needed her nurturing care
But she needed someone to hold on to
With nothing left for her to take control of, the dark pushed past her boundries
It found a way into her soul
Until all she could see was dark and no light
But her mother and sister were healed now
They didn't understand
The tears came back and engulfed her soul
Bit by bit until she wasn't sure why she was still alive
The grief took over like knives
Piercing her skin over and over and over
It hurt so much.
She started to wonder what it'd look like to be dead
She could see him again if she was
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to endure this pain?
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to live knowing she'd never see him again?
So she started to hate herself
All that negative energy was starting to take toll
Everyone around her was breathing while she suffocated more and more by the second
She wished she'd just choke already instead of living in constant pain
If no one would put her out of her misery, she'd have to do it herself
She couldn't see any light anymore
So she grabbed the pill bottle off the shelf and just hoped it wouldn't take long to die
Deep down she still had a spark of light, but she just couldn't find it
And now it was too late in her mind to change, to turn back and try to look deeper
She was done living.
That's when people started to notice that everything wasn't as peaceful as it seemed
They started to see how deeply depressed she had become
They wanted to help her see the light again before it was too late
So they sent her away to see doctors and to take pills to make everything better
It was a start.
She didn't see a change at first but suddenly she could think clearly
Maybe what they were doing was actually going to help her see the light again
Yes, she still wanted to die, but maybe that wasn't the only option anymore
They cared, and behind all their own problems they were trying to understand
They really were trying
Six months longer she would be treated and cared for
Until suddenly she was sent home from her treatment and care with a smile on her face
She had a new perspective
Someone had helped her ignite that spark in her heart until it was a glowing ember
She had been reborn
Sometimes you have to be able to experience the worst of it
To come back shining brighter than before
And if she had died that cold day in October, she wouldn't of ever seen the best of it
Or known that it would get better
and it did!
And she now sits at her laptop, with a smile on her face and warmth in her heart
It's never been an easy road and it won't ever be
But at least she knows she's lived through the worst
And it can only get better from here
So whenever she feels lonely or gets back into that dark spot again
She can look back on what she's learned and can read this poem
And remember that she survived the darkest depths of depression
And she will continue to survive it as long as she lives
Because she is stronger now than she ever was before ?
Are You Happy With the Life You Have?
Are you truly happy with the life you have?
Or have you been discouraged and sad?
Have the things in life brought you contentment?
Or are you one who’s often filled with resentment?
The feelings you have, and the ambitions inside…
Is there some trouble that you’re trying to hide?
Everything you have… God has given to you!
His promises are true!
And he’ll never fail you!
The happiness you may be seeking,
you can find in him!
You can find peace,
hope and satisfaction within!
Christ can bring a healing that you won’t find!
Won’t you give him a chance?
While there’s still time?
What profits a man if he gains the world,
or loses his soul?
Jesus loves you so much!
More than you’ll ever know!
The opportunity is here, for you to take!
Won’t you give God a chance? For heaven’s sake?
By Jim Pemberton 10/14/13
Someone Felt Like Giving Up!
I know someone who wanted to give up.
Things in life began to “trip him up.”
After much thought and contemplation.
He really offered no real explanation.
He felt like his life was at a “dead end road.”
He said he couldn’t continue
with a heavy load.
No matter how many different things he tried.
He was not happy… Nor satisfied!
He began to share a piece of his mind…
He was ready to leave everything behind.
The choices that he had sometime ago…
Began to “wear” at his heart and soul!
I tried to encourage him the best I could.
But I’m not sure he really understood.
As I watched him go his separate way…
I said; “there’s something I wanted to say.”
“There’s a God who reigns in haven above!”
“He wants to fill you with his hope and love!”
“He knows and cares about everything you’ll do!”
“He’s loving and kind!” “And wants to help YOU!”
As I spoke, I could see he thought for a minute.
A commitment to God… He decided to give it!
He decided to give it all to a God who won’t fail him!
He wanted to serve a God,
who wants to bless him!
He’s happy now that this choice was taken!
With Jesus… He’s never alone nor forsaken!
By Jim Pemberton
I blame me for all my mistakes
I blame me for all the rejection and heartache
I blame me for all the times I stayed silent
and should have started and earthquake
with my words
I should have spoken up when I had the chance
now all those thoughts are wasted
I blame me when my husband touches me
and I feel the hands of a predators pounce
And I blame me when the pressure it on
because all I had to do was shout out and renounce His name
Lord, help me to get rid of the shame
I blame me for my loneliness
I blame me for my feelings of lust
I blame me when I look at myself and see absolute disgust
I blame me when I shut down - unsure of who to trust
At times not even sure if I really know how to love
I blame me when my kids are crying out sick
because when I brought them here
I knew that this world was unfit
Yet overpowered by my love for them
I became more and more protective
So I blame myself in advance for their sadness
when they finally see that the world is not objective
I blame me for those nights I can't rest
Wondering if my consciousness has finally realized
that I have done my best
to stay positive and have good intentions
So I blame myself when I give in to temptations and my human inhibitions
and begin to feel ashamed of myself
I begin to feel like I don't have enough strength to love myself
good things don't happen for me
So I blame me for my thinking and feelings of worthlessness
It's a big world and my lonely soul has no more confidence
I have nothing
I have given up
and so I blame me for my incompetence and my soul's rut
HI IM SOPHIE
THE ONE YOU ALWAYS LAUGH AT
WHY DO YOU HATE ME
CAN YOU EVEN ANSWER THAT
YOU'D HATE ME IF I WERE GAY
YOU'D HATE ME IF STRAIGHT
YOU'D HATE IT IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND
OR IF THE QUARTERBACK ASKED ME ON A DATE
YOU'D MOCK ME IF I WERE POOR
EVEN MORE IF I WERE RICH
I'D EITHER BE AN INDIGENT
OR A STUCK UP *****
MY BEAUTY WOULD INTIMIDATE YOU
MY FLAWS YOU WOULD FLAUNT
ONCE YOUR MEAN WORDS ARE SPOKEN
THEY DON'T DIE THEY HAUNT
REMEMBER THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME
THE MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY
THE SAME WAY YOU DID
WHEN YOUR HEART WAS BROKEN BY THAT GUY
REMEMBER THE THINGS YOU DID TO ME
THAT LEFT BRUISES AND MADE ME BLEED
THE SAME WAY YOU DID
WHEN YOU FELL FROM THE PYRAMID WHILE CHEERING FOR THE TEAM
ALL THE TIMES YOU EMBARRASSED ME
MADE ME HANG MY HEAD IN SHAME
IF THEY DONT SAVE ME IN TIME
ARE YOU THE ONE TO BLAME
YOU SEE WE'RE NO DIFFERENT
YOU AND ME
EXCEPT I WAS PERSUCUTED BY A JURY OF MY PEERS
AND YOURS SET YOU FREE
I do not know?
Why me dear god
Why the hell me!
I did all you asked
I’ve even played the card
Of a good girl, the one
Everyone wanted me to be.
Why can’t you save me.
I’m hurting immensely
And no one care not even slightly.
How could you allow me to fall
So deep, so far into misery.
I’ve grown to hate myself so much so
I’m that demon within the angel
That you see.
I’m crying out for help
And not once did you show me sympathy.
Like everyone else you pretend to care
My prayers are just words you refuse to here.
You watched the tears ran down my cheeks
And didn’t send an angel to watch over me.
I don’t want to be part of this world anymore
Just set me free….
Sleeping forever is where I are to be.
You see her?
Why don't go be like her?
No one likes you,
so this is what you must do.
You must stop being yourself,
get off of you shelf.
You must please everyone,
to do that, you must be number one.
She's the perfect girl,
you're the no one in the world.
So go ahead, and give yourself away,
since you're going the wrong way.
You are no longer you,
see what you can do.
You are now her,
that's better than what you ever were.
Will my life last, much longer?
What am I doing? I began to wonder…
Many things keeps dragging
me further down…
What’ll I do? There’s no one around???
Many “things” have
a hold on me…
I cry every night… I want to be FREE!
I’ve tried and tried… But to no avail…
Just when I think I have victory… I fail!
I’ve read in scripture of a power
I haven’t seen.
I read of a lord who
can do ANYTHING!
I’m going to give him a try!
I’ve nothing to lose!
I’ve been so hurt, worn out and abused!.…
To you, dear Jesus…
I confess my every sin.
I can feel your love
from deep within!
Thank you Jesus! For giving
me a joy I never knew…
I don’t know where I’d be if not for YOU!
You’ve brought to my life
a peace I never had.
For all you’ve done for me. I’m so glad!
Won’t YOU give your burdens
to the one, I call friend?
And experience the joy of being born again?
Please come to him now!
Why not this hour?
And experience his life-changing power!
By Jim Pemberton
Right was everything I did from the beginning
Conflicts of interests is all I’m winning?
Omg, what kind of game is this
My power and trophy, how did I miss
People, their choices put me here
An apology? Lol, Sorry my dear
Vice-versa, my aftermath, fear!
In conclusion, I’m pissed because
Planning for this , I never was
So whatever I do, life does.
Will God Accept Me?
I had nothing to offer to God but a life of shame.
I was embarrassed of the mention of my name
I had nothing to offer to God but “failure.”
I didn’t know if he listened to me prayer?
I had a life that was just falling apart.
I often cried from a wounded heart.
I began to blame myself for things going wrong.
I began to feel like I didn’t belong.
I’d begin each day with a lot of stress and tension.
I didn’t feel any kind of love or appreciation.
Many of my friends began to “leave me behind.”
There wasn’t a single “friend” I could find!
Just when everything was falling around me...
Jesus was there! His love began to surround me!
“Lord, please help me!” Where the words spoken.
My life was coming apart!, And was empty and broken!
Jesus reached down and took a hold of my hand!
And told me everything I went through... He understands!
Day by day he brought to me a peace I never knew!
Putting my life back together was what he wanted to do!
As I read his word, his spirit renewed my mind.
A precious friend in HIM… I was able to find!
He accepted me! And gave so much more!
He truly is what living my life is meant for!
He is and will always be the Lord for me!
And can do the same for you! Most certainly!
By Jim Pemberton
Lately, I have noticed a very disturbing trend.
Many people wish for their life to end!
There are many circumstances
that bring this about.
Many feel "trapped in," and think
"there's no way out!"
I admit,... I have been very
Sometimes, wondering, if I was dealt
"the wrong lot."
But just when I feel alone
and trapped within.
I think about Jesus! He's always
been my friend!
I've called to him more than a time or two...
When I didn't know
"what I was going to d."
When, to him, I cried out and pleaded...
He's given to me the hope
and direction I needed!
I recommend this same Jesus
to your life today!
Whatever your problem...
He has made a way!
An abundant assurance
Is what Jesusbrings!
He is an awesome God!
And can take care of everything!
Your problems are never too big
or small for him to take control.
He can bring healing to you!
And make your body whole!
He is what's needed! In this lost
and dying generation!
Won't you accept his mercy
By Jim Pemberton 2012
The day was almost over the length of shadows added to the horror the suicided
failure as eye kicked the step away from the very air eye breathed only to discover
that the rope that eye had lengthened only added more to links already there until
my feet quite reached the floor and the suicide was haltered when the noose
quite simply hit the floor. Yes eye commited suicide yet now eye am still quite
alive and living in my love. Eye have uncovered the secret of the screen the
gamma rays are there in the background when they are lessoned the blue turns
dark there is a control eye found marked cool. The computer hurts my lidded
brow much less now. Blackstone's characterization of property rights as "sole
and despotic dominion which one man claims and exercises over the external
things of the world, in total exclusion of the right of any other individual in the
universe," the exercise of this fabel is now exercised for ewe she owns the
Natural hemp rope, hand-twisted in Romania into 50 foot bundles of various
diameters. Made from dry-spun hemp yarns, this rope is traditional hemp rope
unchanged and in continuous use for centuries. Naturally mold and mildew
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rope regardless of the application.
Look at this last line gentile reader a glitch most certainly or just a mistranslation
it must be why the eye is still alive and the rope just did not hang me. The Law of
Blackstone is now the one of Livingstone eye presume.
I do not know?
Right now, now a father is crying with his face in his hands,
He never expected his son to die, he had such better plans,
But some punk wasn't looking at the kid crossing the street,
He didn't care, just kept driving with his music sounding so sweet.
Right now, some bastard is upstairs beating his wife,
He promised that he'd love her for the rest of his life,
She plans to commit suicide wondering what she did wrong,
When it was this jerk who had the major issues all along.
Right now, a man is driving to his job where he'll get fired,
You see he never got it right, always had trouble getting inspired,
Now he is driving home and stops slowly at the ridge,
He can't break it to his wife so he jumps off the bridge.
Right now, a cute girl is kissing a guy she just met,
She realizes she doesn't even know the man's name yet,
He tells her he loves her as he ties her hands and feet,
Surely this wasn't her online date she was suppose to meet?
Right now a young soldier is bleeding on himself in a war,
This man is going to die and he doesn't even know what for,
He and his squad always performed so well, with such aplomb,
Now he won't make it home because of the maniac's suicide bomb.
Right now, there is someone who hasn't eaten all week,
The poor man is so famished he can barely even speak,
That man would give a fortune to have the food you throw away,
Yet so many people will just throw food in the trash night and day.
Right now, some dude is in prison serving his life,
Writing his final letter to his beautiful son and wife,
Wrongly accused by those sworn to serve and to protect,
The Judge said too bad when he said, your honor I object.
Right now, you're probably wondering how some people cope,
Maybe you've been lucky and time has given you reason for hope,
Right now, I'm asking you to just stop and think next time,
If you do nothing to help someone, this was a wasted rhyme,
Yes, if you turn away, you're guilty of humanity's worst crime.