Anarchy and misery whispered so softly that only she could hear
their voices, so she threw crabapples at a mail man to draw attention,
ran feral between cars, remapped streets that never gave adequate
directions or a single landmark to show her the way home. Mother
loved the shell her baby bird had long ago broken, a mourning dove
cooing for soft pieces, each scattered peep. Breath, the only thing
that was hers, truly. Oh, the relief to snatch a bored sigh, draw it back,
deny escape. A-gore-rhythms and Form-you-la’s, school’s strangle hold
methodology of mind control. Skip to my Lou. Skip class. Skip through
rush hour traffic. Still, no one understands. No one speaks the language
of Ash. Purge-atory is no fantasy. Every day, the same losses: possibility,
sensitivity, civility. Hey guards, listen to all the things she will never say.
Words, what the hell are they but manufactured strings of disappointment
that she chokes on? The entire world babbles platitudes and lawyers’ lies
and vulgar chastisements. Why speak, why waste a single breath?
They fling their crap, so she returns the favor, knowing they will not
translate her message. They use verbs like pepper spray and cavity search
and solitary confinement. She is nineteen, but the numbers don’t add up,
redo the equation. Just don’t ask questions or try to hurt yourself. Just?
Again, she feels the noose close her throat, smiles at her secret antidote,
the open doors of unconsciousness. A caress, this burn against the neck,
again and again, saved and saved and saved, as though they’d noticed
the flame’s gone, as though someone cared that she’d become soot, ash,
ashes. Ashley? Ashley to ashes to ash to dust, just dust. Just?
About this Poem
Ashley Smith was a troubled teen who would run into traffic, scream at people, cut classes.At 15 year, she was incarcerated for throwing crabapples at a mail man, this led to behavior which kept her in prison. She defied the system, threw feces at guards, refused to comply and strangled herself many times a day. Ashley was restrained in a chair for as long as 8 hours, forced to sleep on mattress-less bed frame, pepper sprayed, tazered and kept mostly in segregation. She would bang her head against the floor until she bled, told a phychologist she felt suicide was her only hope. She was moved 17 times between 8 facilities in only 9 months. On October 17, 2007, Ashley, aged 19, hung herself in her cell as guards merely watched, having been ordered to only intervene once she STOPPED breathing. Her death was filmed. There is currently an inquest into Ashley’s treatment and suicide. For more information-
May change come.
May change come, now.
How it must hurt you so on days like this,
Walking around with a frown clutching your fist.
Hearing the words that are meant to anger you,
Confused you cry because there is nothing you can do.
Your mind is playing tricks on you driving you to say,
I hate you all and the games you play please just go away.
Trusting nobody you are not sure which way you sould go,
It's not real and all in your head is what you do not know.
Waiting to see just what tomorrow will possibly bring,
All will be perfect and you wont rememver a thing.
Your thoughts they torement you almost every day,
Each night asking our Lord why your life is this way.
Feeling so alone thinking there is nobody who cares,
But actually there is so many but you are not aware .
If only you would hear me so you might begin to see,
You must believe in yourself if you want to be free.
You must have some faith if you are to understand ,
What God has in store for you and what he has planned.
All the hurt and anger will soon begin to disappear ,
You'll stand up tall again facing life with no fear.
Please remember always that you are never alone,
By listening with your heart your path will be shown.
In his suicide note
My poverty is to blame
No one else, he wrote
The signs started in December
When she started waking up in tears each night
She was a normal girl with dark brown hair and darker brown eyes
She had plenty of friends and a loving family with just one thing missing
Days passed by and turned into weeks but only felt like a few seconds
Her life just whizzed by faster and faster until it was just a whirr in front of her eyes
Darkness filtered into her heart and mind until she didn't know if she could go on
But she had to. She couldn't let her mother and her sister drown in this same pain
She wouldn't let them.
She pushed all the darkness into the depths of her own heart
In hopes to save the hearts of the two people she had left
Because what else was there to live for now?
The rest of her world had crashed and her mother and sister was all that was left
She wouldn't let them drown in pain too.
She watched as they started to heal in her loving arms
Their hearts started to lighten up once more
But hers was just as dark as it was before
And growing darker day by day
But she wouldn't let that stop her.
Suddenly a year had passed... and then two
It only seemed like seconds to her but everyone else started moving on
Her mother and sister no longer needed her nurturing care
But she needed someone to hold on to
With nothing left for her to take control of, the dark pushed past her boundries
It found a way into her soul
Until all she could see was dark and no light
But her mother and sister were healed now
They didn't understand
The tears came back and engulfed her soul
Bit by bit until she wasn't sure why she was still alive
The grief took over like knives
Piercing her skin over and over and over
It hurt so much.
She started to wonder what it'd look like to be dead
She could see him again if she was
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to endure this pain?
Wouldn't it be so much easier than having to live knowing she'd never see him again?
So she started to hate herself
All that negative energy was starting to take toll
Everyone around her was breathing while she suffocated more and more by the second
She wished she'd just choke already instead of living in constant pain
If no one would put her out of her misery, she'd have to do it herself
She couldn't see any light anymore
So she grabbed the pill bottle off the shelf and just hoped it wouldn't take long to die
Deep down she still had a spark of light, but she just couldn't find it
And now it was too late in her mind to change, to turn back and try to look deeper
She was done living.
That's when people started to notice that everything wasn't as peaceful as it seemed
They started to see how deeply depressed she had become
They wanted to help her see the light again before it was too late
So they sent her away to see doctors and to take pills to make everything better
It was a start.
She didn't see a change at first but suddenly she could think clearly
Maybe what they were doing was actually going to help her see the light again
Yes, she still wanted to die, but maybe that wasn't the only option anymore
They cared, and behind all their own problems they were trying to understand
They really were trying
Six months longer she would be treated and cared for
Until suddenly she was sent home from her treatment and care with a smile on her face
She had a new perspective
Someone had helped her ignite that spark in her heart until it was a glowing ember
She had been reborn
Sometimes you have to be able to experience the worst of it
To come back shining brighter than before
And if she had died that cold day in October, she wouldn't of ever seen the best of it
Or known that it would get better
and it did!
And she now sits at her laptop, with a smile on her face and warmth in her heart
It's never been an easy road and it won't ever be
But at least she knows she's lived through the worst
And it can only get better from here
So whenever she feels lonely or gets back into that dark spot again
She can look back on what she's learned and can read this poem
And remember that she survived the darkest depths of depression
And she will continue to survive it as long as she lives
Because she is stronger now than she ever was before ?
Are You Happy With the Life You Have?
Are you truly happy with the life you have?
Or have you been discouraged and sad?
Have the things in life brought you contentment?
Or are you one who’s often filled with resentment?
The feelings you have, and the ambitions inside…
Is there some trouble that you’re trying to hide?
Everything you have… God has given to you!
His promises are true!
And he’ll never fail you!
The happiness you may be seeking,
you can find in him!
You can find peace,
hope and satisfaction within!
Christ can bring a healing that you won’t find!
Won’t you give him a chance?
While there’s still time?
What profits a man if he gains the world,
or loses his soul?
Jesus loves you so much!
More than you’ll ever know!
The opportunity is here, for you to take!
Won’t you give God a chance? For heaven’s sake?
By Jim Pemberton 10/14/13
Someone Felt Like Giving Up!
I know someone who wanted to give up.
Things in life began to “trip him up.”
After much thought and contemplation.
He really offered no real explanation.
He felt like his life was at a “dead end road.”
He said he couldn’t continue
with a heavy load.
No matter how many different things he tried.
He was not happy… Nor satisfied!
He began to share a piece of his mind…
He was ready to leave everything behind.
The choices that he had sometime ago…
Began to “wear” at his heart and soul!
I tried to encourage him the best I could.
But I’m not sure he really understood.
As I watched him go his separate way…
I said; “there’s something I wanted to say.”
“There’s a God who reigns in haven above!”
“He wants to fill you with his hope and love!”
“He knows and cares about everything you’ll do!”
“He’s loving and kind!” “And wants to help YOU!”
As I spoke, I could see he thought for a minute.
A commitment to God… He decided to give it!
He decided to give it all to a God who won’t fail him!
He wanted to serve a God,
who wants to bless him!
He’s happy now that this choice was taken!
With Jesus… He’s never alone nor forsaken!
By Jim Pemberton
HI IM SOPHIE
THE ONE YOU ALWAYS LAUGH AT
WHY DO YOU HATE ME
CAN YOU EVEN ANSWER THAT
YOU'D HATE ME IF I WERE GAY
YOU'D HATE ME IF STRAIGHT
YOU'D HATE IT IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND
OR IF THE QUARTERBACK ASKED ME ON A DATE
YOU'D MOCK ME IF I WERE POOR
EVEN MORE IF I WERE RICH
I'D EITHER BE AN INDIGENT
OR A STUCK UP *****
MY BEAUTY WOULD INTIMIDATE YOU
MY FLAWS YOU WOULD FLAUNT
ONCE YOUR MEAN WORDS ARE SPOKEN
THEY DON'T DIE THEY HAUNT
REMEMBER THE THINGS YOU SAID TO ME
THE MOMENTS THAT MADE ME CRY
THE SAME WAY YOU DID
WHEN YOUR HEART WAS BROKEN BY THAT GUY
REMEMBER THE THINGS YOU DID TO ME
THAT LEFT BRUISES AND MADE ME BLEED
THE SAME WAY YOU DID
WHEN YOU FELL FROM THE PYRAMID WHILE CHEERING FOR THE TEAM
ALL THE TIMES YOU EMBARRASSED ME
MADE ME HANG MY HEAD IN SHAME
IF THEY DONT SAVE ME IN TIME
ARE YOU THE ONE TO BLAME
YOU SEE WE'RE NO DIFFERENT
YOU AND ME
EXCEPT I WAS PERSUCUTED BY A JURY OF MY PEERS
AND YOURS SET YOU FREE
I blame me for all my mistakes
I blame me for all the rejection and heartache
I blame me for all the times I stayed silent
and should have started and earthquake
with my words
I should have spoken up when I had the chance
now all those thoughts are wasted
I blame me when my husband touches me
and I feel the hands of a predators pounce
And I blame me when the pressure it on
because all I had to do was shout out and renounce His name
Lord, help me to get rid of the shame
I blame me for my loneliness
I blame me for my feelings of lust
I blame me when I look at myself and see absolute disgust
I blame me when I shut down - unsure of who to trust
At times not even sure if I really know how to love
I blame me when my kids are crying out sick
because when I brought them here
I knew that this world was unfit
Yet overpowered by my love for them
I became more and more protective
So I blame myself in advance for their sadness
when they finally see that the world is not objective
I blame me for those nights I can't rest
Wondering if my consciousness has finally realized
that I have done my best
to stay positive and have good intentions
So I blame myself when I give in to temptations and my human inhibitions
and begin to feel ashamed of myself
I begin to feel like I don't have enough strength to love myself
good things don't happen for me
So I blame me for my thinking and feelings of worthlessness
It's a big world and my lonely soul has no more confidence
I have nothing
I have given up
and so I blame me for my incompetence and my soul's rut
I do not know?
Why me dear god
Why the hell me!
I did all you asked
I’ve even played the card
Of a good girl, the one
Everyone wanted me to be.
Why can’t you save me.
I’m hurting immensely
And no one care not even slightly.
How could you allow me to fall
So deep, so far into misery.
I’ve grown to hate myself so much so
I’m that demon within the angel
That you see.
I’m crying out for help
And not once did you show me sympathy.
Like everyone else you pretend to care
My prayers are just words you refuse to here.
You watched the tears ran down my cheeks
And didn’t send an angel to watch over me.
I don’t want to be part of this world anymore
Just set me free….
Sleeping forever is where I are to be.
You see her?
Why don't go be like her?
No one likes you,
so this is what you must do.
You must stop being yourself,
get off of you shelf.
You must please everyone,
to do that, you must be number one.
She's the perfect girl,
you're the no one in the world.
So go ahead, and give yourself away,
since you're going the wrong way.
You are no longer you,
see what you can do.
You are now her,
that's better than what you ever were.