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Social Funny Poems | Social Poems About Funny

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Details | Limerick | |

Viagra Falls

There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'

but when it got little 
his pills became skittles   
until he O.D.'d on Viagra

© ~JSLambert  2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!


Details | Epigram | |

Big Foot and I

Bigfoot often puts his foot in his mouth
and he's got a big mouth too...


Tim Ryerson
Submitted for: SKAT A's contest


Details | I do not know? | |

My Declaration of War on Self-Imposed Stupidity...WHO'S COMING WITH ME?!

All this hyped up glam and glitz
  giggly girls break down in fits
    these mascara clad boys devoid of wits
The shallower they go,  the deeper it gets
 
Sillouettes lacking inner angles and lines...
 The substance goes absent when the light shines...
Plotless drama without direction, still winds
 These tragically bad fads spread like vines

Overrun with Reality shows depicting what's REAL
  A mass zombie audience digesting their meal
Not In, but outside, this box they soften like veal
  Staring at a screen that numbs how they feel

When did the war on intelligence start?
  Losers not knowing that losing's not smart...
Cable providers gladly doing their part
  News channels selling half-truth ala carte

I will be a rebel and fight for your mind
 Hiding remote-controls where they won't find
Trading entertainment for knowledge in kind
  Giving books out to the voluntarily blind

 
It's gonna be a BATTLE!!!  WHO'S COMING WITH ME??!!
   
         
  




Details | I do not know? | |

Writtings From The Bathroom Wall

I read it  from the bathroom wall.
God alone save's us one and all.
Along with other mixed obscenities like 
for a good time call.

Some read rise against.
Others read Elivis was here.
God bless America communist take fear.

Its the lost and found of  misspelled words 
were the misfits gather do they all.
Im stuck here in a inconvertible position reading writtings from 
bathroom wall.

I strain to read Robert and Beth forever.
whomever they are.
I question does this bathroom last through stormy weather.

I wonder what kind of philosopher finds solice in such a dingy 
place.
Do they comb the wall just lookin for space.

Theres traces of blood from a drunken brawl.
Im sitting in the true melting pot of the world.
Reading writtings from  the bathroom wall.  


Details | Than-Bauk | |

Juicy Kaboosey


her derriere in the air high eyes wearing out
Than-Bauk written for Rick Parise's contest


Details | Haiku | |

It is now

Ain't a word, you said.
but it takes a daring gust 
for things start to be.


Details | Verse | |

Enigma's Calling

Extraordinary, I am 
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding  the gift I shouldn't fought
 
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
My passion
The food of my soul
 
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
 
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
 
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When  my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
 
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart


Details | Bio | |

hell was other...

hell was other
people’s lives, 
wayward wit and 
witless pride, 
played upon 
the green of life, 
until the light
was left to right,

hell was other
people’s thoughts,
fraught with that, 
that we applaud, 
aimless aims and 
limbless lots, 
the truth in truth 
we soon forgot,

hell was other 
people…


Details | Ode | |

To the Pint

O Guinness, lovely Guinness,
Irish black rose of the night.
I drink in your beauty,
a wonderment of sight!
Velvety raven body,
filling out that cold glass,
I look into your dark eyes,
you wicked, sassy lass.
I watch your tiny bubbles
cascade down and sigh,
like feather-like snowflakes
falling down from the sky.
Your heavenly head leaves
foam above my lip,
I cherish our shared moments
with each tender sip.


Details | Rhyme | |

Shameful Morning

not sure how she got here 
only know she needs to leave

underneath the stranger 
my arm numb; asleep, 
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry 

princess of night 
exposed by light. 
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess. 

bed broken
along with my will. 
I swore never again; 
the lie is half the thrill.

~JSLambert


Details | I do not know? | |

Kristin Listen!

Hello my friend,
Hope all is well
This is your bud,
'Ol tom bell
You might wish
To read this poem
"Bad Day at the Eyedoctors"
A true tom tale
And shows what a fool I be
So check it out,
And you'll see!


Details | Rhyme | |

Where is the Bathroom?

I had to find a bathroom,
A reasonable request,
I was all alone
And my bladder was quite stressed.

So I asked a man nearby,
“Do you know where a bathroom is?”
He merely shook his head,
And went about his biz.

I continued walking,
And sure enough around,
A woman with her children
Could tell me where a bathroom’s found.

She said, “I have no idea,
I’m busy you can tell.”
She fussed to shush her baby,
Who had just begun to yell.

I continued on my quest,
Moving with rapid stride,
When I found a large restaurant,
Surely, there must be a bathroom inside!

I went up to the waiter,
I said, “I really have to pee.”
Slightly irritated,
I decided to forego all pleasantry.

He said, “Oh, ours isn’t working,
Someone clogged it the day before,
But there is one a few blocks down,
About three or four.”

And so I hurried along,
Quite desperate to find the joint,
My bladder was close to reaching
Its natural breaking point.

I reached a tiny gas station,
Where the clerk mumbled to me,
“We do have an outside bathroom,
But someone lost the key.”

I turned and stomped outside,
I wailed out vehemently,
“How hard is it to find a bathroom
In modern society?”

A gentleman heard my plight,
And said, “You know, there’s a store—“
I interrupted, “Never mind,
I don’t have to go anymore.”


Details | Couplet | |

THE WEDDING DAY


The date was set and the church booked up
Invitations sent out, colors picked, and a hall for the sup.


The bridesmaids and groomsmen had all been chosen
For the date for us on the calendar was now frozen.


The Maid of Honor could only one person be
The Best Man knew this day would be crazy.


For all of the planning, the work, and the tension
Would culminate in this day of anticipation.


The minister counseled us and helped us to plan
But the burden was on us, for this day to span.


We wanted everyone to be as happy with us today
That's why we took so long to plan it this way.


The floweres trimmed the aisle along the carpet white
While all our family and friends dressed festively tonight.


The music started to play as the couples walked the aisle
I was reminded not to cry, instead to give a big smile.


It was my turn to walk the walk now
"Don't slip, don't trip, don't cause a row.


It's the day of the wedding and there is my peer
One question remains, "What am I doing here?"


Details | Light Poetry | |

' Boot-Legged Mama '

Mama and Daddy was always Love-Dovey
She is His Sweetheart – He is Her Honey
First Love… Real Love  -  Forever True
Pa… I Pray to find A Man Like You…

Daddy Laughed and Put His Arm Round My Shoulder
And Said, “I’ll Tell You Somethin’, Now You’re Older
It’s got to do with Your Mother’s Fame
And Why I gave Her, The Nickname…

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
Blue-jean Shorts and Vintage Tony Lama
Walked thru the Door… of A Liquor Store
… Packaged so Pretty… Pa Just had to Pour

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Ma… Was there, to get 6-packs for A Party…
Pa… Was there, ‘cause of a Taste for Bacardi
He took One Look and Knew He Couldn’t Waste Her
Pa… Gave-up ‘Drank’… Just so He Could Chase her !

Dad, Said, ‘He’d Drowned in Dark-Eyes and Sweet-Aroma
Fine-Wine, Crystal… But Tuff’ Nuff’ to Down-Drama
Pa Claims, Mama’s Labeled by the F.D.A.
And Listed on Her Driver’s License is,  A.K.A.  …

               … Boot-Legged Mama

                  Boot-Legged Mama
 Genuine Woman, Who Made Him Wanna’
Take Her to be His Lawful Moonshine
… Married at Midnight – ‘cross The County-Line

               … Boot-Legged Mama

Alcohol’s in Trauma;  and Prohibition Told Her:
"Boot-Legged Mama… Done Drove Pa Sober !"
Now, Homemade-Hooch… is His Acquired Taste
180 Proof… Kicked All Over His Case !

Right Then, Mama Flowed into The Room
Pa, Teased and Said, “Still Full-Bodied and Perfumed !
Ma Hugged Us, then Handed Me – Old Boots and A Dress…
    (and good advice)… “Go Git’ My Elliot Ness…

               … and be a Boot-Legged Mama!

( Hey !... Did I Hear Somebody, In A Country Drawl ….
          Order Up A Bottle of Kicking Alcohol !
         Well, Here She Is… Y'all ! ...
                  Boot-Legged Mama ….

Well John (Moses) Freeman... You Said You Needed
Somethin' :)  to Read tonight, before kicking up your
heels...  Well, Here It Is (Have Fun - Son)

MoonBee 

 (Thank You For All Your Wonderful Comments
Now, I Can't Get Thru The Door for My Ego.. (Smile)


Details | I do not know? | |

' Friend To Friend ... '

               A Friend:
One, Who Helps You Get Out Of A Jam

               A Partner:
… Is Usually In The  Jam With You

                   A Pal:
Is The One, Who Usually Gets You In The Jam

           An Acquaintance:
Someone, Who Heard About The Jam

                 A Buddy:
Says … Its Your Own Jam Fault …


Details | Bio | |

Big City, Big Shot Fool (Me)

A true story.

Here I was,
23 or 24...
Classed an "Executive"
NYC Dept Store Chain,
"Executive" label meant
I could work overtime
For one half of my normal salary...
But a fool sees stars
Where he should see crime

Promoted "Furniture Buyer"....
Big Ticket spot....
They seemed out to prove
Smart I was not.

Big Furniture Market,
High Point, N.C.,
Invited out to dinner,
By big shot vendor....
Oh...whoop, whoop, yea!

Of course, my stuffy boss
was there,
In the next chair
At this odd restaurant...
"The Factory" it's name,
After that night,
I was never looked at the same....

Big shot, Big City....
Big Fool....
It wasn't pretty....

The menu did start
Entrees priced more
Than my annual salary
And I'm confused
There's a boiler next to me!

So this Big City Buyer,
In his $99.00 suit
Ordered a shrimp cocktail,
Oh, what a hoot!

Lights flashing....
Like Studio 54
I had no idea
What I was in for!

Got my shrimp cocktail,
Oh, I do love my shrimp!
But the lemon wedge,
Was wrapped up
My mind now a' crimp

In this decorative yellow stuff,
All fit with a bow....
How do I open it, I wondered...
I wanted to know...

But I'm a Big Shot NYC Buyer,
Sure, I've seen it all....
How dare these dumb hicks...
Have such a gall!!

I took my fork,
I took my knike....
I started trying to open
This thing like....
It meant my very life!

I was struggling,
And sweating,
And frustrated and mad
Got some of the weirdest looks
I ever have had...

These Carolina Hicks...
Out to make a fool of me...
Slowly I realized
Everyone looking at me...

My boss's eyes swollen
In shame
How dumb his young buyer
Should be in a cornfield
And call himself "Town Crier"

Eventually I learned....
This stuff was called
"Cheese-cloth"
Ridiculous I thought...
No cheddar or swiss
Like this had I ever bought...

In silence I remained
Through the rest of my meal....
To me the biggest embarrassment
To me the biggest deal....

Big City Hot Shot Buyer...
Dumb as a farm hand.....
Put in a Manhattan restaurant...
Without but a strand....
Of what was, what wasn't
Of how, and of why...
All I wanted to do
Is to crawl under a rock
And die!

(This is true!!!)


Details | Light Poetry | |

FLIRTY DANCING

valse,valet a,highland fling
viola,fiddle,music string;
minuet,pavane rondeau
tripping lightly to & fro.

flirty dancing,fancy free
quick-step and ladies excuse-me;
fox trot and last waltz slow,
holding close,as passions grow.


Details | Bio | |

Pseudomorph

I get a kick outta the writes I see,
So intellectual, how can that be?
I skipped two grades,
Was forced to take IQ tests again,
Cause no one as dumb as me,
Could possibly produce such a score, you see
Got 100% on regents exams,
Passed college entrance tests
Half drunk and dirty of dress
Cause I was up with friends
drinkin' and carousing like the rest,
And, Lord knows how, but I assure,
I aced the test, and even more,
To what was then considered
"The Poor-Man's Harvard"
I cruised through that as well,
No one was gona stop this Bell

But IQ tests, and scholastic grade,
Never has one, of a man be made
I still do get confused,
About how to wear two shoes,
My brain may be book-smart,
But comin' from the heart,
I've trusted when I really shouldn't
Was skeptical when imprudent

So here's this IQ wiz,
Don't know just who he is,
And street smart as a cat,
Caught in Dr. Zeuss's hat.

So teach your children well,
don't grow up to be like Tom Bell



Details | Burlesque | |

Do you?

Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Shouting lyrics to songs
Guzzling beer from bongs

Do you like to dance
Pelvic thrusting at every chance
Giving girls your card
That says Napoleon Bonaparte

Do you like grassy lands
Holding on with both your hands
Praying for your drunken soul
As the Earth spins out of control

Do you like to drive
Going fifty-three in a thirty-five 
Telling cops you can’t be arrested
Because you might be dyslexic

Do you like to call home 
Collect on your new cell phone
Begging for a second chance
Because Bubba has no pants

Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Giving your keys to friends 
Because karma has no end

Do you?


Details | I do not know? | |

Starless Night: The Art Of Giving (Rhyme Incorporated) part 2

Thinking of O, Ms. Jill Martin was in her solitude “Quietly…breathing”
That, she just waved her hand greeting April Lewis “Without Speaking”
I spied humorist Donald Meikle, writing a “Note to a Lady in Waiting”

Let’s party! exclaimed silent Sami Al-Khalili, but not “Only In Winter”
That’s a real cool idea, and I said, how about in “The Field Of Summer”
Dame Marcyle Beer offered her place, called “Welcome To Fort Beer”

A rising star Taryn Melville proudly breezed in: saying “I Am From…”
But, party guy Anthony Slauson showed us his “Fingers of Freedom” 
Leaving noble Alyssa Finley’s young mind fixated in “Dreams Come”

A free verse expert JeanMarie Marchese of Homosassa, uttered “Slow”
Let snow lover Linda Smith tell us first her “Footprints In The Snow”
Indeed, we’ve our time to introduce ourselves, before “The Cockcrow”

Sweet Elaine George arrived, when the night still had a “Tender Heart” 
With a special gift, for Raquel Nicholson, ‘cos she has “a broken heart”
I learned that Big John Tanaskow did not wish to go “Back At the Start”

The party made poetic Mark Hansen expressed himself, in “Cloud Nine”
Perhaps he had consumed much of shy type Nicola Steel’s “Plumy Wine”
For he was too excited, to meet a bright Seema Ali, on a “Poetry Online”

Before the party was over, Juanita Ganir, sprung from her “Sacred Well”
And, old Londoner Matt Doe spoke, of his mighty “Showdown In Hell”
To a sexy Tamiviolet Manchas, but, she xoxoxo urged him, “Don’t Tell”

Many thanks, to photographer William Jones, for his “Living In Color”
A souvenir that reflects my own plea to “Make Me Whole, Once More”
A plea to everyone, to all friends, to remember that “My Name Is Thor”


Details | I do not know? | |

A Son, a Father and a Donkey (2005)

A young son, a father and a donkey journey across the land
The father rides upon the donkey
They walk through rain, sunshine and hot sand
A villager yells from the top of her voice
“Selfish boy, let your poor father ride, get up and stride”
So he did as he felt he had no choice
Hours past and they went to a stall for a refreshing drink
“That poor donkey carrying your weight, you should get off him don’t you think?”
Everyone in the bazaar looked and shook their head
The father got off and they both walked instead
They struggled along the sandy dusty breeze
They heard laughter coming from behind the trees
 “Fools”!It was a group of schools girls laughing as they talk
“They have a blooming donkey and those idiots still walk!”
More children gathered to join in the fun 
They paused and thought what should be done? 
By the time they thought of the solution everyone had gone
The moral of the story is you can’t please everyone 

poemsbyrb@hotmail.com


Details | Senryu | |

the flying saucer



                                            the flying saucer
                                 missing my head by an inch
                                            did you notice it?


Details | Blank verse | |

Cafe selections

Fish madam?
Price Edwards a Welsh man taught me how to poach eggs fish and rabbits
The recipe for  poached eggs is  universal
Poached perch is.....Take fillets and cheeks saute in butter with a dash of mead
Poached trout........Wrap in aluminum foil with herbs.. throw in small fire
Poached rabbit.....Debone saute in olive oiland butter...add mushrooms and  leek

Poached venison I’ve never tried


Details | Rhyme | |

Not Guilty

I swear it was his fault Your Honor
So put him in his place
He was trying to break my knuckles
By hitting them with his face

Of course I wouldn't hurt him
I would not commit no crimes
You see, he kept falling on my knife
Yes, Your Honor, forty seven times

No I didn't rob the post office
They're just trying to ruin my day
I don't have cash to pay my fine
Will postage stamps be okay

He's lying again, Your Honor
Trying to throw my life into despair
Even though my prints were on his throat
I wasn't even there

     This poem is dedicated to the liberal morons this country has appointed to the 
courts. The sad part is, the parties in these fictional statements would probably 
be found Not Guilty by today's judicial standards. A salute to the vigilantes out 
there who actually protect the victim.


Details | I do not know? | |

21 St. Century

Show down.
Eye to eye,
Tears sweat from it's cheek.
Little bit of a shake in the bodily wise.
"You can't do this to me! Speak in that tone of voice!"
"Look around. They'll think you're insane!"
"Get back in line!"
Cirlcing my lens sight about,
Seeing the expression of anguish hysteria in the norm,
The air is now poisoned with agony emotions.
Who can escape?
High noon like never seen before.
"Don't come any closer!"
"Do you know who I am? 21 St. Century."
"You live in me."
"Play by the rules, be quiet, and take it like a man!"
Smiling infinity within me.
"No! Do not walk away like that!"
"You need me!"
Turn with final words of free,
"Who needs who?"
"Time. A lonely place without man. Better thank the One who keeps you in His 
Hands."
"As for me. Better things to do. Live on Earth in her humbleness."
"By the way, shut off the light before you leave. Too late! The roundabout living are 
your witnesses that it was done long ago."

(Thank you Jill Martin for your comments on "Blank Screen".  Your comments 
fired me up to write this one.)


Details | Verse | |

Ding Dong The Wicked Witch is Dead

Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Thatcher’s dead.

Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Thatcher’s dead.

Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Thatcher’s dead.

Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
Thatcher’s dead.


Details | Free verse | |

Bladder Problems in Class

Numbers on 
White board…names written hori-
zontally

Students ask
To go pee…right when class starts – 
THAT’S just wrong…

Bathroom line
Of students who have bladder
Problems – WOW!

People are
Not using lunchtime to do 
Their business 

No one knows
When to do their duties – SER-
IOUSLY?


Details | Couplet | |

Living the Dream

My nightmare is so tangible...so vividly I dream,
The dream, it feels so true to me...reality it seems.

Exhaust and smoke are all I breathe...the air is full of smog...
The job I do is thankless toil, but I work it like a dog.

There's mercury in the fish I eat...there're toxins in my food...
And drugs, they are a constant scourge...myriads for every mood.

Bipolar is my government...a house divided 'tis...
And corporations drive both sides...in the pockets of "Big Biz".

The icecaps, they are melting...the sea is rising, too.
Pandas, condors, polar bears -- empty cages at the zoo.

My money ne'er seems quite enough...I'm always out of cash...
My freedom fled when I wed my bride...(live I under the lash).

"Entertainment"? Reality TV...maybe some vampire shows...
Or idjits becoming household names for being beachfront "ho's".

People clamor "climate change" from the seats of S.U.V.'s,
And bitter news on the honey front...what's killing all the bees?

Politicians spending more...we go deeper in the red.
Opinions dressed as "news" abound...is journalism dead?

Cell phones are ubiquitous...conversation's endangered now...
And "Kardashians" are famous girls..but who knows why or how?

How strange my twisted psyche is t'make real what must be fake...
Now'f only I could find some way to get myself to wake.


Written on November 27th, 2012
By Daniel Beus (Rebel Sun)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Song of the Used Car Salesman

“Hello, hello Good Morning!” The salesman says, (though it’s actually late 
afternoon.)

(We can’t have them rushing off,) he thinks, (when I have cars to move!)

“See this little beauty…” (The side I’m leaning on anyway!)

“I’ve so many interested buyers, I’m sure, this car will sell today!”

The salesman sizes up the couple who clearly like the car.

“Zero to sixty in nothing flat!” (Though you may not get that far!)

“Previous owner? Took fine care.” (To wreck the interior in the rear!)

“Runs so smooth, purrs like a cat.” (But sticks when changing gears.)

The well learned smile, the soothing voice, the salesman sees his chance.

“Let’s step inside, we’ll work it out, my dears you can always finance!”

(The hidden costs, no don’t mind those, just the way it’s done.)

“Sure come on in, have a seat, this is when it becomes fun!”

As usual the costs are more than they think they can afford.

(Of course if we didn’t start out doubled, we salesmen would get bored!)

“Now look here it’s just a bit more, I know just how you feel.

With a car like this, I’m the one who loses. Believe me this is a great deal!”

(Yes indeed I lose this bucket of bolts I’ve had to push.

Never mind the oil leak, or the tires have turned to moosh.)

 “Well… because you seem so nice I’ll take this much off too.”

(There they are the happy smiles, too bad the jokes on you!)

The salesman he waves goodbye as the car drives off the lot.

Another couple, a little wide eyed, sees the new car in its spot.

“Hello, hello! Good afternoon!”(Sunset reflecting off of the wheel.)

“I’ve another buyer for this one but… you look nice, let’s make a deal!”


Details | Burlesque | |

Redneck FATHER'S DAY------

***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***



"Storm over yet...?"

"Well hay'ell ye'ah! 
 woo-hoo!
 sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
 whadda'bou  that boy th'er?
 sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"

"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"

"Wha'choo sayin? 
 wha'th'a?
 na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
 shoot! 
 'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm! 
 torna'durr warnin' too!
 he gonna have him'a cole burr;  
 on me!"
 my treat!
 mama, git him'a cole burr! 
 ro'tt now; 
 ya'here?
 besides...
 ta'days father's day!" 



© 2011  ~JSLambert Esquire