There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
in the air high
eyes wearing out
Than-Bauk written for Rick Parise's contest
Ain't a word, you said.
but it takes a daring gust
for things start to be.
Extraordinary, I am
Craving for unusual thoughts
Endless exploration without boundary
Understanding the gift I shouldn't fought
Invisible drawings in my mind
Playing with the words in my head
The food of my soul
I feel so lucky
The random thoughts
A lifetime companion
A self esteem builder
A goal planner
Be my forever life saver
I write more
I talk less
I want to please
I chose to bore
What tickles me the most
Is to know what I'm for
Thinking is my love
When my mind goes empty
That's when I hate
My day dreaming lust
Organizing things in my mind
Playing roles of simulation
Where images of art is my vision
And words of attitude is my heart
hell was other
wayward wit and
the green of life,
until the light
was left to right,
hell was other
fraught with that,
that we applaud,
aimless aims and
the truth in truth
we soon forgot,
hell was other
not sure how she got here
only know she needs to leave
underneath the stranger
my arm numb; asleep,
mouth a desert.
a hundred dead cigarettes dance my tongue dry
princess of night
exposed by light.
get me out of this;
another dreaded morning mess.
along with my will.
I swore never again;
the lie is half the thrill.
I do not know?
Hello my friend,
Hope all is well
This is your bud,
'Ol tom bell
You might wish
To read this poem
"Bad Day at the Eyedoctors"
A true tom tale
And shows what a fool I be
So check it out,
And you'll see!
O Guinness, lovely Guinness,
Irish black rose of the night.
I drink in your beauty,
a wonderment of sight!
Velvety raven body,
filling out that cold glass,
I look into your dark eyes,
you wicked, sassy lass.
I watch your tiny bubbles
cascade down and sigh,
like feather-like snowflakes
falling down from the sky.
Your heavenly head leaves
foam above my lip,
I cherish our shared moments
with each tender sip.
I had to find a bathroom,
A reasonable request,
I was all alone
And my bladder was quite stressed.
So I asked a man nearby,
“Do you know where a bathroom is?”
He merely shook his head,
And went about his biz.
I continued walking,
And sure enough around,
A woman with her children
Could tell me where a bathroom’s found.
She said, “I have no idea,
I’m busy you can tell.”
She fussed to shush her baby,
Who had just begun to yell.
I continued on my quest,
Moving with rapid stride,
When I found a large restaurant,
Surely, there must be a bathroom inside!
I went up to the waiter,
I said, “I really have to pee.”
I decided to forego all pleasantry.
He said, “Oh, ours isn’t working,
Someone clogged it the day before,
But there is one a few blocks down,
About three or four.”
And so I hurried along,
Quite desperate to find the joint,
My bladder was close to reaching
Its natural breaking point.
I reached a tiny gas station,
Where the clerk mumbled to me,
“We do have an outside bathroom,
But someone lost the key.”
I turned and stomped outside,
I wailed out vehemently,
“How hard is it to find a bathroom
In modern society?”
A gentleman heard my plight,
And said, “You know, there’s a store—“
I interrupted, “Never mind,
I don’t have to go anymore.”
The date was set and the church booked up
Invitations sent out, colors picked, and a hall for the sup.
The bridesmaids and groomsmen had all been chosen
For the date for us on the calendar was now frozen.
The Maid of Honor could only one person be
The Best Man knew this day would be crazy.
For all of the planning, the work, and the tension
Would culminate in this day of anticipation.
The minister counseled us and helped us to plan
But the burden was on us, for this day to span.
We wanted everyone to be as happy with us today
That's why we took so long to plan it this way.
The floweres trimmed the aisle along the carpet white
While all our family and friends dressed festively tonight.
The music started to play as the couples walked the aisle
I was reminded not to cry, instead to give a big smile.
It was my turn to walk the walk now
"Don't slip, don't trip, don't cause a row.
It's the day of the wedding and there is my peer
One question remains, "What am I doing here?"
Mama and Daddy was always Love-Dovey
She is His Sweetheart – He is Her Honey
First Love… Real Love - Forever True
Pa… I Pray to find A Man Like You…
Daddy Laughed and Put His Arm Round My Shoulder
And Said, “I’ll Tell You Somethin’, Now You’re Older
It’s got to do with Your Mother’s Fame
And Why I gave Her, The Nickname…
… Boot-Legged Mama
Blue-jean Shorts and Vintage Tony Lama
Walked thru the Door… of A Liquor Store
… Packaged so Pretty… Pa Just had to Pour
… Boot-Legged Mama
Ma… Was there, to get 6-packs for A Party…
Pa… Was there, ‘cause of a Taste for Bacardi
He took One Look and Knew He Couldn’t Waste Her
Pa… Gave-up ‘Drank’… Just so He Could Chase her !
Dad, Said, ‘He’d Drowned in Dark-Eyes and Sweet-Aroma
Fine-Wine, Crystal… But Tuff’ Nuff’ to Down-Drama
Pa Claims, Mama’s Labeled by the F.D.A.
And Listed on Her Driver’s License is, A.K.A. …
… Boot-Legged Mama
Genuine Woman, Who Made Him Wanna’
Take Her to be His Lawful Moonshine
… Married at Midnight – ‘cross The County-Line
… Boot-Legged Mama
Alcohol’s in Trauma; and Prohibition Told Her:
"Boot-Legged Mama… Done Drove Pa Sober !"
Now, Homemade-Hooch… is His Acquired Taste
180 Proof… Kicked All Over His Case !
Right Then, Mama Flowed into The Room
Pa, Teased and Said, “Still Full-Bodied and Perfumed !
Ma Hugged Us, then Handed Me – Old Boots and A Dress…
(and good advice)… “Go Git’ My Elliot Ness…
… and be a Boot-Legged Mama!
( Hey !... Did I Hear Somebody, In A Country Drawl ….
Order Up A Bottle of Kicking Alcohol !
Well, Here She Is… Y'all ! ...
Boot-Legged Mama ….
Well John (Moses) Freeman... You Said You Needed
Somethin' :) to Read tonight, before kicking up your
heels... Well, Here It Is (Have Fun - Son)
(Thank You For All Your Wonderful Comments
Now, I Can't Get Thru The Door for My Ego.. (Smile)
valse,valet a,highland fling
tripping lightly to & fro.
flirty dancing,fancy free
quick-step and ladies excuse-me;
fox trot and last waltz slow,
holding close,as passions grow.
A true story.
Here I was,
23 or 24...
Classed an "Executive"
NYC Dept Store Chain,
"Executive" label meant
I could work overtime
For one half of my normal salary...
But a fool sees stars
Where he should see crime
Promoted "Furniture Buyer"....
Big Ticket spot....
They seemed out to prove
Smart I was not.
Big Furniture Market,
High Point, N.C.,
Invited out to dinner,
By big shot vendor....
Oh...whoop, whoop, yea!
Of course, my stuffy boss
In the next chair
At this odd restaurant...
"The Factory" it's name,
After that night,
I was never looked at the same....
Big shot, Big City....
It wasn't pretty....
The menu did start
Entrees priced more
Than my annual salary
And I'm confused
There's a boiler next to me!
So this Big City Buyer,
In his $99.00 suit
Ordered a shrimp cocktail,
Oh, what a hoot!
Like Studio 54
I had no idea
What I was in for!
Got my shrimp cocktail,
Oh, I do love my shrimp!
But the lemon wedge,
Was wrapped up
My mind now a' crimp
In this decorative yellow stuff,
All fit with a bow....
How do I open it, I wondered...
I wanted to know...
But I'm a Big Shot NYC Buyer,
Sure, I've seen it all....
How dare these dumb hicks...
Have such a gall!!
I took my fork,
I took my knike....
I started trying to open
This thing like....
It meant my very life!
I was struggling,
And frustrated and mad
Got some of the weirdest looks
I ever have had...
These Carolina Hicks...
Out to make a fool of me...
Slowly I realized
Everyone looking at me...
My boss's eyes swollen
How dumb his young buyer
Should be in a cornfield
And call himself "Town Crier"
Eventually I learned....
This stuff was called
Ridiculous I thought...
No cheddar or swiss
Like this had I ever bought...
In silence I remained
Through the rest of my meal....
To me the biggest embarrassment
To me the biggest deal....
Big City Hot Shot Buyer...
Dumb as a farm hand.....
Put in a Manhattan restaurant...
Without but a strand....
Of what was, what wasn't
Of how, and of why...
All I wanted to do
Is to crawl under a rock
(This is true!!!)
I get a kick outta the writes I see,
So intellectual, how can that be?
I skipped two grades,
Was forced to take IQ tests again,
Cause no one as dumb as me,
Could possibly produce such a score, you see
Got 100% on regents exams,
Passed college entrance tests
Half drunk and dirty of dress
Cause I was up with friends
drinkin' and carousing like the rest,
And, Lord knows how, but I assure,
I aced the test, and even more,
To what was then considered
"The Poor-Man's Harvard"
I cruised through that as well,
No one was gona stop this Bell
But IQ tests, and scholastic grade,
Never has one, of a man be made
I still do get confused,
About how to wear two shoes,
My brain may be book-smart,
But comin' from the heart,
I've trusted when I really shouldn't
Was skeptical when imprudent
So here's this IQ wiz,
Don't know just who he is,
And street smart as a cat,
Caught in Dr. Zeuss's hat.
So teach your children well,
don't grow up to be like Tom Bell
Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Shouting lyrics to songs
Guzzling beer from bongs
Do you like to dance
Pelvic thrusting at every chance
Giving girls your card
That says Napoleon Bonaparte
Do you like grassy lands
Holding on with both your hands
Praying for your drunken soul
As the Earth spins out of control
Do you like to drive
Going fifty-three in a thirty-five
Telling cops you can’t be arrested
Because you might be dyslexic
Do you like to call home
Collect on your new cell phone
Begging for a second chance
Because Bubba has no pants
Do you like to party
Drink Tequila and Bacardi
Giving your keys to friends
Because karma has no end
I do not know?
A young son, a father and a donkey journey across the land
The father rides upon the donkey
They walk through rain, sunshine and hot sand
A villager yells from the top of her voice
“Selfish boy, let your poor father ride, get up and stride”
So he did as he felt he had no choice
Hours past and they went to a stall for a refreshing drink
“That poor donkey carrying your weight, you should get off him don’t you think?”
Everyone in the bazaar looked and shook their head
The father got off and they both walked instead
They struggled along the sandy dusty breeze
They heard laughter coming from behind the trees
“Fools”!It was a group of schools girls laughing as they talk
“They have a blooming donkey and those idiots still walk!”
More children gathered to join in the fun
They paused and thought what should be done?
By the time they thought of the solution everyone had gone
The moral of the story is you can’t please everyone
the flying saucer
missing my head by an inch
did you notice it?
I do not know?
Thinking of O, Ms. Jill Martin was in her solitude “Quietly…breathing”
That, she just waved her hand greeting April Lewis “Without Speaking”
I spied humorist Donald Meikle, writing a “Note to a Lady in Waiting”
Let’s party! exclaimed silent Sami Al-Khalili, but not “Only In Winter”
That’s a real cool idea, and I said, how about in “The Field Of Summer”
Dame Marcyle Beer offered her place, called “Welcome To Fort Beer”
A rising star Taryn Melville proudly breezed in: saying “I Am From…”
But, party guy Anthony Slauson showed us his “Fingers of Freedom”
Leaving noble Alyssa Finley’s young mind fixated in “Dreams Come”
A free verse expert JeanMarie Marchese of Homosassa, uttered “Slow”
Let snow lover Linda Smith tell us first her “Footprints In The Snow”
Indeed, we’ve our time to introduce ourselves, before “The Cockcrow”
Sweet Elaine George arrived, when the night still had a “Tender Heart”
With a special gift, for Raquel Nicholson, ‘cos she has “a broken heart”
I learned that Big John Tanaskow did not wish to go “Back At the Start”
The party made poetic Mark Hansen expressed himself, in “Cloud Nine”
Perhaps he had consumed much of shy type Nicola Steel’s “Plumy Wine”
For he was too excited, to meet a bright Seema Ali, on a “Poetry Online”
Before the party was over, Juanita Ganir, sprung from her “Sacred Well”
And, old Londoner Matt Doe spoke, of his mighty “Showdown In Hell”
To a sexy Tamiviolet Manchas, but, she xoxoxo urged him, “Don’t Tell”
Many thanks, to photographer William Jones, for his “Living In Color”
A souvenir that reflects my own plea to “Make Me Whole, Once More”
A plea to everyone, to all friends, to remember that “My Name Is Thor”
Price Edwards a Welsh man taught me how to poach eggs fish and rabbits
The recipe for poached eggs is universal
Poached perch is.....Take fillets and cheeks saute in butter with a dash of mead
Poached trout........Wrap in aluminum foil with herbs.. throw in small fire
Poached rabbit.....Debone saute in olive oiland butter...add mushrooms and leek
Poached venison I’ve never tried
I swear it was his fault Your Honor
So put him in his place
He was trying to break my knuckles
By hitting them with his face
Of course I wouldn't hurt him
I would not commit no crimes
You see, he kept falling on my knife
Yes, Your Honor, forty seven times
No I didn't rob the post office
They're just trying to ruin my day
I don't have cash to pay my fine
Will postage stamps be okay
He's lying again, Your Honor
Trying to throw my life into despair
Even though my prints were on his throat
I wasn't even there
This poem is dedicated to the liberal morons this country has appointed to the
courts. The sad part is, the parties in these fictional statements would probably
be found Not Guilty by today's judicial standards. A salute to the vigilantes out
there who actually protect the victim.
I do not know?
Eye to eye,
Tears sweat from it's cheek.
Little bit of a shake in the bodily wise.
"You can't do this to me! Speak in that tone of voice!"
"Look around. They'll think you're insane!"
"Get back in line!"
Cirlcing my lens sight about,
Seeing the expression of anguish hysteria in the norm,
The air is now poisoned with agony emotions.
Who can escape?
High noon like never seen before.
"Don't come any closer!"
"Do you know who I am? 21 St. Century."
"You live in me."
"Play by the rules, be quiet, and take it like a man!"
Smiling infinity within me.
"No! Do not walk away like that!"
"You need me!"
Turn with final words of free,
"Who needs who?"
"Time. A lonely place without man. Better thank the One who keeps you in His
"As for me. Better things to do. Live on Earth in her humbleness."
"By the way, shut off the light before you leave. Too late! The roundabout living are
your witnesses that it was done long ago."
(Thank you Jill Martin for your comments on "Blank Screen". Your comments
fired me up to write this one.)
Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
White board…names written hori-
To go pee…right when class starts –
THAT’S just wrong…
Of students who have bladder
Problems – WOW!
Not using lunchtime to do
No one knows
When to do their duties – SER-
My nightmare is so tangible...so vividly I dream,
The dream, it feels so true to me...reality it seems.
Exhaust and smoke are all I breathe...the air is full of smog...
The job I do is thankless toil, but I work it like a dog.
There's mercury in the fish I eat...there're toxins in my food...
And drugs, they are a constant scourge...myriads for every mood.
Bipolar is my government...a house divided 'tis...
And corporations drive both sides...in the pockets of "Big Biz".
The icecaps, they are melting...the sea is rising, too.
Pandas, condors, polar bears -- empty cages at the zoo.
My money ne'er seems quite enough...I'm always out of cash...
My freedom fled when I wed my bride...(live I under the lash).
"Entertainment"? Reality TV...maybe some vampire shows...
Or idjits becoming household names for being beachfront "ho's".
People clamor "climate change" from the seats of S.U.V.'s,
And bitter news on the honey front...what's killing all the bees?
Politicians spending more...we go deeper in the red.
Opinions dressed as "news" abound...is journalism dead?
Cell phones are ubiquitous...conversation's endangered now...
And "Kardashians" are famous girls..but who knows why or how?
How strange my twisted psyche is t'make real what must be fake...
Now'f only I could find some way to get myself to wake.
Written on November 27th, 2012
By Daniel Beus (Rebel Sun)
“Hello, hello Good Morning!” The salesman says, (though it’s actually late
(We can’t have them rushing off,) he thinks, (when I have cars to move!)
“See this little beauty…” (The side I’m leaning on anyway!)
“I’ve so many interested buyers, I’m sure, this car will sell today!”
The salesman sizes up the couple who clearly like the car.
“Zero to sixty in nothing flat!” (Though you may not get that far!)
“Previous owner? Took fine care.” (To wreck the interior in the rear!)
“Runs so smooth, purrs like a cat.” (But sticks when changing gears.)
The well learned smile, the soothing voice, the salesman sees his chance.
“Let’s step inside, we’ll work it out, my dears you can always finance!”
(The hidden costs, no don’t mind those, just the way it’s done.)
“Sure come on in, have a seat, this is when it becomes fun!”
As usual the costs are more than they think they can afford.
(Of course if we didn’t start out doubled, we salesmen would get bored!)
“Now look here it’s just a bit more, I know just how you feel.
With a car like this, I’m the one who loses. Believe me this is a great deal!”
(Yes indeed I lose this bucket of bolts I’ve had to push.
Never mind the oil leak, or the tires have turned to moosh.)
“Well… because you seem so nice I’ll take this much off too.”
(There they are the happy smiles, too bad the jokes on you!)
The salesman he waves goodbye as the car drives off the lot.
Another couple, a little wide eyed, sees the new car in its spot.
“Hello, hello! Good afternoon!”(Sunset reflecting off of the wheel.)
“I’ve another buyer for this one but… you look nice, let’s make a deal!”
***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***
"Storm over yet...?"
"Well hay'ell ye'ah!
sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
whadda'bou that boy th'er?
sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"
"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"
na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm!
torna'durr warnin' too!
he gonna have him'a cole burr;
mama, git him'a cole burr!
ta'days father's day!"
© 2011 ~JSLambert Esquire
I love your soft kisses.I love firm but gentle touch. I love the way you bite your lip.I love you soooooo much.
I love the way you look at me.I love the way you smile. I love the way you're shy sometimes,Every once and a while.
I love it when you look at me, When I'm not looking at you. You think I do not realize it, But really...I do.
I love the way you cuddle. I love the way you sleep. I love how you bite your lip when something turns you on. I love the way you rub your neck,when you are thinking so deep.
I love all of you,Your nose, your lips, your hair, even your smelly feet. I love how you drink Dr Pepper. Morning noon and night. I love how if someone puts me down your always there first one there ready to fight. I will never stop loving you. You are so amazingly sweet.
I love that I love you.I have loved you from the very start. I LOVE ALL OF YOU,You alone hold the key to my heart.
Star Trek Rules!
It was time for: Comic Con! Comic Con! Dragon wanted to come, too!
But then so did everyone else at Troll Lake… Hey, now, wouldn’t you?
We made some really cool costumes… for the costume show, my Dear.
You can guess, ‘Star Trek Rules!’ It couldn’t be anything less, you hear.
Our favorite nighttime popcorn show, would truly now, become a part of our lives!
The penguins got permission from the zoo; to go… great publicity, so very wise.
McRacoon had his Las Vegas Dragons get us, and a mock saucer, there, all on time.
Naturally pre-registered and in costume, we strutted in! Hi there! Began the playtime!
Man we were really cool, as the guest actors ask for OUR autographs. For Real!
Pictures were snapped, and a poster made, to be signed by everyone, so cheerful.
It’s highest bid, given to charity, would be a nice touch, for everyone in our crew.
The costume show was set outside, where all the dragons, could fly in, or out, too.
And a small mock, star ship was landed on stage, so we could enter with more flare.
Lord a mercy! Look at us! We’d never be like this, again! We were like stars, I swear!
Grandpa Troll, became Mr. Spock, naturally, because he was so, very clever and wise.
Our neighbor witch, was Uhura, due to her great ability to, protect everyone’s’ lives.
Borp the Frog became Sulu, so he could take us up to Borp speed, with laser effects!
Hubby was Scotty, with the Tinker Trolls in engineering, for special effects, so perfect!
The penguins were the beloved crewmembers, running with lasers, all over the place.
The powder puff tribbles, got wet, so yes, became the ‘Trouble with Dribbles’, in space.
The Mary River Turtles wanted to be Checkov. What a groovy, exciting, security team.
Dragon wanted to be Captain Kirk, you know, like totally, in command… At the scene!
All agreed, I’d be a great Dr. McCoy, since I always get to, kiss the Boo- Boo’s away.
The Weird Frogs were the Aliens, chasing everyone mindlessly, around, the set, that day.
And the Las Vegas Dragons, became attacking star ships, over which our lasers won!
The crowds went wild, and we won first place in their hearts, as well as, in their minds!
Everyone had, such a good time, so the Trek continued, well after, when we got home.
That year Comic Con made the National news, and of course, nobody, was surprised!
As the residents of Troll Lake and Acorn Falls… continue to Trek on… every day!
By Mike and Carol Eastman…
Walk Of Shame
Did you see that girl walk by?
I can tell, she got a guy
It's 9am, her hair's a mess
Sunday morning in a party dress?
Mascara run, lipstick smeared
She thought, this hour, all coasts were cleared
Oh but no, her I did see
And as she stumbled, she saw me
High heels on, cell in hand
Back to the dorms, she walked on Grand
Walk of shame, oh how you expose
The true nature of the hoes
Guys wake up to chill on their lawn
As freshmen girls grudgingly pursue on
Calling out, "Well how was your night!?"
Girls wish their walk was out of sight
I just laugh and point them out
More so notifying all via shout
"Walk of Shame, that is you!"
These young girls, they've got no clue
The ones who get it, then take off
Again next weekend, it's never enough
Get any guy, hooking up's their game,
But each time regretting the walk of shame.
You might think I judge too hard
Not giving them the innocent card
I shouldn't talk, I'm such a hypocrite
That was me yesterday morning, I will admit.
What gospels on sunday afternoon
Are four quarters male members tune
With flat screens on wall?
The chair-men want football
And shall yell like a wild baboon
Author's note: This poem was inspired by Lori Hopkin's "This ones for the guys" which is worth a good look. My apologies to all baboons who are much gentler and finer than I. Sad to resort to using their species as a stereotype just for the sake of a rhyme.