The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
Written by Gail DeBole
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
Note: Thanksgiving is celebrated on the fourth Thursday of each November in the United States. President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed this as an official holiday in 1863.
They organized a church bazaar,
To raise money for the poor.
A booth for selling chances
Was set up, outside the door.
When I bought the raffle ticket,
My reasoning was murky,
And I could only just believe it,
When I won that doggone turkey.
Now, the kids were all excited
When we brought the critter home.
So we placed him in the barnyard,
Where he'd have lots of room to roam.
Since the date was late October,
I'm quite sure you understand,
That to have him for Thanksgiving
Was my awe inspiring plan.
Well, the turkey was no birdbrain,
As I was very soon to find.
That bird knew what I was thinking;
Why, I declare, he read my mind.
I let the children care for him,
To my most profound regret--
He turned on his charming manner,
And, quickly, he became their pet.
But that fact did not deter me,
I told myself it didn't matter.
I was dead set and determined
To see that gobbler on a platter.
When the kids perceived my purpose,
They turned on the tears and pleas.
Then, the wife joined in their chorus,
And that brought me to my knees.
So I told my grieving family
They could dry up, and relax.
I concealed my disappointment--
Went and put away the axe.
Came the dinner of Thanksgiving,
Not a sad face could be found.
And our live Thanksgiving turkey
Was the gladdest bird around.
We gathered around the table,
And I humbly asked the blessing--
While Tom gobbled down his corn, outside,
We had hotdogs and dressing.
I don’t know what I’m complaining about,
it’s not like I’ve been cuffed,
All I have to do is show up for dinner.
After all it’s the bird that got stuffed.
It’s not like they’re asking a lot from me
they won’t work me till I’ve croaked,
All I have to do is show up and eat.
After all it’s the bird that got smoked.
I can’t tell you that they’ll torture me
and it seems to be reasonably priced,
All I have to do is visit for a while.
After all it’s the bird that got sliced.
I could tell them things to make them laugh
until their gravy becomes splattered,
All I’d have to do is tell a joke to them.
After all it’s the bird that got plattered.
I think that it smells good enough that I’ll eat
until they claim my leg’s been hollowed,
All I have to do is not complain about things.
After all it’s the bird that got swallowed.
I’ve never given it much thought before
but a bird’s life is really kind of murky
I guess I’d rather be the Thanksgiving guest today
than be the Thanksgiving Turkey.
Should it happen that someday they're seeking struggling bards,
To compose witty verse for Hallmark Thanksgiving cards,
I think that I should like to summarily submit,
The following mots for consideration, TO WIT:
(1) Savor the oyster dressing, giblet gravy and thigh,
The sweet pertaters, green bean casserole and punkin pie.
Hope you have a goodly supply of sodium bicarbonate,
To counter the wrenching effects of all that grub you ate!
(2) To Grandma's house, hordes of kith and kin will repair,
For a delectable repast (after Grandpa ends his interminable prayer!)
May naught but love and fellowship dwell amongst you there,
As His bountiful harvest each of you gratefully share!
(3) The Thanksgiving meal is over, men folk watch ball teams battle,
While the women folk sit about the table engaged in idle prattle.
Mom's thoughts are elsewhere on how to deal with left over turkey;
She's a genius at creating soups and potpies, even turkey jerky!
(4) A Happy Thanksgiving to one and all.
Relish this time together and have a ball!
And may all with thankful hearts ever lift,
Praise to Him, the Giver of every good gift!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
There's nothing like it after a hard day's work
To ge stuck in traffic behind some jerk
He smiles in his mirror like he's having fun
So I show him my finger because he's number one
Now rush hour moves at such a horrible pace
By the time I get home there's a beard on my face
If this isn't enough to make you hot
I arrive at home and can't find a parking spot
So I park up the street and pick up a nail
If swearing was a crime, I'd be in jail
Then I walk down the street which was freshly tarred
Our neighbor's dog did his duty in our back yard
I finish my dinner and sit down for the night
To watch TV and listen to the kids fight
I look at the ceiling and softly say
A prayer of thanksgiving at the end of the day.
'Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all of its ado and congestion.
I'd consumed too much turkey and pie and due to its ingestion,
Today, I'm suffering from a very acute case of indigestion!
I should've stifled my gluttonous bent - of that there is no question!
Of turkey meat and the trimmings I've had more than enough,
But my spouse has already planned next week's menu in the rough,
Saying, "You'll eat what I fix and I want none of your inane guff!
I know how to dispose of leftover turkey and all that other stuff!"
So, a hearty turkey stew and sweet taters are on the menu Monday.
A steaming bowl of turkey soup will grace our board on Tuesday.
Two turkey sandwiches with green bean casserole we'll have Wednesday.
Turkey salad and punkin pie will be placed before me for lunch Thursday.
A heap of mashed taters topped with turkey a la king for dinner Friday.
Turkey fricassee with cranberry sauce we'll eat for dinner Saturday.
Enough turkey was available for potpies that we'll dine on Sunday.
YeeHah! Ain't no more turkey - I'll have a cheeseburger come next Monday!
Lord, You know I'm mighty thankful for that which You graciously provide,
And please don't thing me an ungrateful oaf, but if in You I may confide,
May it please You come next Thanksgiving, 'twould be so very nice,
If You'd provide a simple meat loaf, mashed pertaters and wild rice!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Thanksgiving is a day to be grateful,
Not a day to be grumpy or hateful.
But a burnt pumpkin pie,
And a turkey that's dry,
Might make it hard to be elateful.*
*(I realize elateful is not a word, but I claim poetic
I love to watch the bulging balloons go floating by on Thanksgiving Day,
Filled with gas and bloated it’s hard to guess how much they must weigh.
It’s a tradition at our house to watch them parade as they go bounding by,
Look at that one wobble as he makes his way for a piece of pumpkin pie.
But all too soon the consumption parade comes to a crashing end,
As to the couches to watch the game the balloons will sleepily descend.
And into the clear blue November sky each of them dreamily soars,
The heights to which they rise are measured by the timber of their snores.
And when they awake an invisible rope guides them as if by fate,
To the microwave to heat up a second helping before it gets too late.
This time of year the only way they know that it’s time to stop,
Is when they hear an unnerving sound as one of them goes pop.
by Patrick Cornwall on Friday, January 20, 2012 at 10:08am
He was the last of his kind and it was known.
Some dated him one hundred years and he had style.
Christmas was his time and the rest of the year he felt nothing.
But Thanksgiving came and some cared and tried to help.
They came in their vans with Almighty Church of Thanksgiving and Christmas painted on its sides.
But after the New Year he was alone again except for his friend the rat.
He slept in the subway, where it wasn't too bad.
His clothes were in tatters and the rat brought him food.
His blanket was newspapers which he read and then slept underneath.
Sometimes the rat read to him while he snoozed.
The niners went casually around him and his newspapers but some listened to the rat reading.
The rat was nice and sometimes the Old Man would read to him too.
The rat loved the funnies and would roll over holding his stomach laughing.
The Old Man grabbed his Thunderbird and gave some to the rat.
The rat drank when in the mood and most times he was.
The rat wasn't supposed to drink because of his high blood pressure.
The old man loved the rat but he often disappeared and it made him sad.
He took a pull and wondered where the rat had gone and braced against the cold.
He saw the rat sitting in the booth where the tokens went and rat waved him through.
He was hungry and searching found a perfectly good hamburger in the pickup window.
People watched as he dug in the trash can and the train lighting the tunnel.
He washed the burger down with the last of his Thurnderbird and decided to get on the train before it came.
The turkey was placed on the table.
Pies in the oven baking.
The football game on tv.
Grandma yells"dinner on"
Went all of a sudden the turkey is gone. Can't be found nowhere.
The back door was open, but no one was there.
When grandpa yells pizza again!
There was no Thanksgiving dinner this night.
For the dogs on the corner had a joy.
While we sat and gave blessing for the pizza boy
It's pizza thanksgiving not turkey this year.
With "plenty" this culture's endowed
Bad outcomes are never allowed!
But nature's stealthy
And notes for the wealthy
Silver linings come with a cloud
May tranquility reign and grace your Thanksgiving board this year,
As you thank the Good Lord for all the blessings you hold dear!
I pray that it will be a time of good cheer and not a free-for-all,
As in the dysfunctional family described below, ending in a brawl!
Grandpa said grace that rambled on interminably while stomachs growl.
Grandma had heard enough of that and poked him with a warning scowl!
Pompous Uncle Blimp boasted about the democrats winning the election,
While saner heads steered the conversation in a more innocuous direction!
Ne'er-do-well Cousin Cletus who was recently released from prison,
Wailed about being falsely imprisoned saying the cannabis wasn't his'n!
Aunt Louise complained that she didn't get the turkey gizzard as was her due!
Dad was happily sozzled having consumed too much of his homemade brew!
Little Marvin slopped gravy on grandma's prized heirloom tablecloth!
Nana screeched about controlling your brats - she was most visibly wroth!
The kid howled and mommy hugged him saying, "It was not your fault!"
In the aftermath, little was said except an occasional, "Pass the salt!"
Elbows flew and the hapless turkey's carcass was stripped clean and bare!
Grandpa removed his teeth to take a snooze, fed up with the whole affair!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
The day after Thanksgiving I didn't have to work
So, I decided to do something which was kind of a quirk.
I thought I would do some early shopping
For those Christmas gifts that would be eye popping.
As I started my car to begin my store raid
Something went amiss to stop my escapade.
I opened the hood to find the problem there
When I saw it, it really gave me a scare.
Our neighbor's black cat had crawled onto the engine block
Feeling the warmth, but not taking stock.
When I turned the key to give it a start
The cat shrieked as its tail was nearly cut apart.
Oh, it wasn't intentional that I hurt that poor pet
But you've never seen anything like it I'll bet.
When I heard the noise and the hissing you see,
I thought one of the hoses had broken...leaking fluently.
But it was the cat that was hissing when I raised the hood
All he could think of was to jump for where I stood.
With claws all out and teeth set to bite
Him coming at me was quite the site.
Fortunately he missed me with his outstretched paws,
Or I would have been really attached to those razor like claws.
When he hit the ground he ran away
Scared the crap out of me...that's all I'll say.
So I had to collect myself before I could go anywhere
Went back to the house and just stood shaking there.
Of course, I had to have a pop or two
To settle my nerves before I started anew.
Before I knew it, I was asleep in a chair
I never attempted to go anywhere.
All because a black cat wanted to keep warm
In the end, I was thankful I did so little harm.
"Black Friday" would have cost me a heck of a lot more
Had it not been for that cat's dozing for sure.
So, now whenever I go to the store
I buy some cat food, for that kitty next door.
He still remembers my opening that hood
I still remember him trying to claw me where I stood.
But we've come to an understanding that cat and me
And I tap the car before starting it to let him see.
As it is now...he stays out of my way,
Except when I feed him, for all the money he saved me on "Black Friday".
Dear Lord, we gather this day to give thanks for what we’ve got,
For the blessings that you’ve granted us whether realized or not.
For the blessings of family love and our feelings for each other,
Even though I will confess to you that I can’t stand my little brother.
He never does his fair share when there’s work around here to do,
I’ll get back to that situation later and fill the details in for you.
I love you Lord for all the gifts; excuse me if I should gush,
I’m only asking for a bicycle today to avoid the Christmas rush.
I’d like to add a special thanks for giving me a second chance,
For softening up my teacher’s heart, I’m thanking you in advance.
And dear Lord if you don’t mind as long as I have you on the line,
I’m sure that you’ll forgive me Lord because I know that you’re divine.
I’d like to ask for one thing more before I let you of the hook,
Next year before Thanksgiving comes, could you teach my mom to cook?
Because her gravy is too lumpy and the turkey is way too dry,
And the only dessert that we have today is store bought pumpkin pie.
It would be nice if later we didn’t have to hear my grandpa snore,
And keep grandma from drinking wine until she can’t get up from the floor.
And watch over my big sis when she’s out with her boyfriend,
Dad is sure that they’re doing it so why should we pretend?
I guess that’s all I have right now so Lord please be on your way,
And when you’re at the neighbor’s house don’t believe a word they say.
In case you don’t hear from me again if I should disappear without a trace,
I want to say just what a privilege it was to offer up Thanksgiving Grace.
A man had a parrot that talked so bad
A worst vocabulary no one had
The man attempted to make correction
The parrot threw epithets in every direction
Finally exasperated in a fit of rage
The man pulled the parrot out of his cage
Threw him in the freezer to cool him off
All the while, the parrot just squawked
Then suddenly it got deathly quiet
The man felt things weren't exactly right
He opened the freezer and to his surprise
The parrot began to apologize
For being so vulgar and so obscene
He promised from now on to be serene
He said to the man, I have a question for you
What did that turkey in the freezer do?
23 November 2011
For the Gobble, Gobble contest
HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all you Soupers
( THANKSGIVING WITHOUT TURKEY )
I sat at the table, eager to eat
To have my fill, right at my seat
My father carved the Turkey
A wonderful sight
My mother asked me “dark meat or white”?
But just before my plate came near
My little dog Edgar pulled up from the rear
He jumped on the table in a single bound
Landing in the middle with nary a sound
He landed on my Turkey
One and all could see
And right there Edgar decided to pee
I shook in horror, I quaked in fright
But in the end, I knew Edgar was right
He’s just a dog, and did what dogs do
I could not be angry, but I told him to shoo
So mother cleaned the table, and discarded the Turkey
And in it's place we had beef jerky!
Thanksgiving? Oh no! Not again!
I meet each one with chagrin
Such rejoicing, good fun
Well, ‘cept me … I’m the Turkey, you see.
I try to make myself very scarce midst the teeming flock,
To reduce the risk of finding my neck on the chopping block!
Why do you put me through this annual frightful scare?
I pray that I won't become your Thanksgiving fare!
May I propose for your very careful consideration,
An assortment of options for your holiday celebration.
Have you considered a delicious rack of lamb,
Or a scrumptious glazed and juicy spiral ham!
You could save my friends and me so much grief,
If only you'd serve a luscious roast of beef!
As you thank the good Lord for your many blessings,
Wouldn't you prefer a goose stuffed with dressings!
An adjunct to your cranberry sauce and pecan pie,
Could be a savory duck - why not give that a try?
Another suggestion that would please your friends,
Would be to prepare a platter of Rock Cornish hens!
There are many creatures that swim, run or fly,
That could complement your taters and punkin pie!
Better yet, why not concoct a vegetarian meal,
Then, I could forego my urgent annual appeal!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in PD'S "Gobble, Gobble, Gobble" Contest - November 2011
Turkey day is finally here, along with that mid-afternoon paralysis
Half the family made it this year, and thank God, 'cause we're short chairs!
Apple, pumpkin, and mince-meat pies fill the air with cinnamon dust-devils
Nevermind the barking dogs and screaming, running and tattling kids,
Kooky and drunk, your favorite uncle swears you can light a fart!
Surely we've got BIGGER fish to fry today.....how's them 'taters doin'?
Goodness knows how amazing Granny's poultry gravy is gonna be
I just hope some jerk doesn't bring that Jello with raisins, carrots, and lettuce......YUCK!!!!
Vodka is easily hidden in the various holiday beverages,
I swear it's the ONLY way I can tolerate half of my family!
No one's really that bad, but a little goes a long way!
God bless every single, dysfunctional, and oblivious one of us!
Dinner comes and goes........the herd migrates to the TV for pig-skin dramas
All say their goodbyes and don coats and scarves
YIPPE!!! They're all gone!!!......oh crap!!!! WHO'S gonna help with the dishes????
Tummy, Tummy, oh poor Tummy!
Heaping, steaming platters behold.
A bounty splendorous and yummy,
Nuts to pies to cranberry mold.
Kitchen simmering with flavor,
Smells that cause the nose to rise.
Gather in a whiff to savor,
Indulge behind two droopy eyes.
Voices lure you from your dreaming,
Invite you to your favored chair,
Give you silverware all gleaming,
Do together a Thanksgiving prayer.
And, Tummy, Tummy stop your stressing …
Yams, green beans, creamed corn, rolls with butter, celery sticks and carrot sticks,
mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, turkey and … dressing
Hate the holidays well I got one for you.
Dont have to follow no rules.
Just drink till ya drop.
To what's the ocassion still ya
havent a clue.
Hey there missy.
dont piss and moan just grab a pint
ya big sissy.
No need for a kleenex just wipe that blood off
on your sleeve.
Stoner slacker and poets unite for
it's Thanksgiving Eve.
No need to hang anything by the
chimney with care.
But it is a party so lets see your underwear.
Lets beat the holiday blues.
Hey who's drunk and horney?
Short skirts and thoose high heel shoes.
Crank that jukebox hey grandpa theres
no need to leave.
Cause everyone is included on Thanksgiving eve.
Hey amigo if we play are cards right.
we can stir enough stuff to see a chick fight.
Hey whats going on upstairs God only knows.
It's not cheating just wrestling without any
Hey who just cut a whole in the floor?
hey grandpa ya better watch that exotic woman
your dancing with.
Cause she's a woman with a little more.
Hey ya'll the cops are coming along with a swat
team so it's my cue to leave.
but like that fat prick in a red suit I'll
return to bring ya another great Thanksgiving Eve.
I do not know?
Mom is in the kitchen,
And when I take a look,
I’m glad I’m not a turkey
That’s she's about to cook!
Who brought the Spam to the first Thanksgiving?
The Pilgrims brought the Spam I think
The Indian’s brought something to drink
Though history books do not repeat it
There's more to do with corn then eat it
A spurkey is a wondrous sight
All pink and juicy if cooked right
Shaping it's a little quirky
But you can make it look like turkey
So what's your pleasure, breast or thigh?
Or other part you'd like to try?
No light or dark meat, it's a shame
All the parts taste just the same
The best part is, there is no waste
And also, you don't have to baste
But unlike birds raised in a coop
There are no bones for sprukey soup
Happy Thanksgiving Everyone
Lord in answer of prayer
Child of mine. I must admit I don’t hear from you very often,
Your brother though is quite devout, to him your heart should soften.
He say’s he works hard to me - but that you will blame him.
For anything you don’t do, and you will try to shame him.
Your brother, put in a plea for you, and not for a new bike.
You had better try harder, boy before I give you what you like.
I even hear from your teacher, he’s his own wits end,
He prayed for the cane to come back, so your ways you better mend.
Your mother tries so very hard it’s not her cooking at fault,
Its you and your picky ways, so they had better halt.
Your mother works hard and has little time to bake you pumpkin pie,
You're lucky boy to have gravy, never mind the turkey dry.
Your granddad needs a rest, don’t be a pest, he’s getting on you know.
As for grandma she puts up with all of you, so let the wines flow.
Your big sister, her father has already requested the boyfriends’ disappearance.
I’m working on that and everything else, so just give me a chance.
The neighbour’s - well they have not said, anything about you.
They just prayed that your family would go out, and then come back without you.
So listen boy the lord has spoken, and you better hear me well.
Cos come next thanksgiving year, You may hear from him below.
While a roaming in the gloaming
many years ago,
with steps so jerky I met a turkey
swaying to and fro.
Now being lonely and awfully homely
I hoped that by a chance
my new found friend might help me end
my lowly social stance.
I looked at him so sleek and slim
and he smiled kind of smirky.
So I said as my heart bled,
“C’mon, let’s talk, turkey.”
He spoke not never and I so clever
just couldn’t figure him out.
Maybe he’s mad or maybe just sad
and I started to moan and pout.
His eyes now gleamed and it made me steam
to see such an elegant bird
sitting so high with a sneer in his eye
and uttering not a word.
Now Thanksgiving was coming and I was slumming
and going to have hot dogs again.
I thought t’would be nice to have turkey and spice
with a little dressing mixed in.
So to home I did run and fetched out the gun
and was quickly back on the scene.
"Now let's talk, turkey," I said kind of smirky.
Quoth the turkey, "How ghastly mean!"
Well that broke the ice for the turkey was nice
and we talked for an hour or so.
And when he said bye I thought I would cry
for I didn't want him to go.
Then my good old temptation sent up this sensation
of never again seeing my friend.
The gun it seemed bigger but I still pulled the trigger
and brought my poor friend to an end.
Then I thought, as likely as naught,
my friend feels bad about dieing
for as he had fell he had made my heart swell
because he was steadily crying.
Now he is dead and my heart is like lead
and my brain feels kind of malicious
but I won't forsake it because my mom baked it
and the white meat was just delicious.
'Tis said that the first Thanksgiving feast was celebrated in sixteen twenty-one.
'Twas the Pilgrims' first bountiful harvest so they decided to have some fun!
(That was the genesis of church potlucks that are popular to this very day,
And the origin of that American addiction, the all-you-can-stuff-ten-buck buffet!)
They invited Indian friends but with wary eye kept their blunderbusses handy,
In case the guests and their squaws might become sozzled with too much brandy!
The Injuns brought canoes full of maize, deer and fishes from Cape Cod Bay.
(Puritan ladies shyly tittered at the breechcloths worn by braves on that day!)
The Pilgrims had diligently tilled God's good earth to grow vittles for the feast,
And prowled forest and waterway on the hunt for fowl and four-footed beast!
Tables groaned with grub - the menu would've done the Waldorf-Astoria proud.
There was little talk 'cept for an occasional "pass the salt" from that ravenous crowd!
There were apple, peach and punkin pies and heaps of smoked and roasted turkey.
Also, fiery brandy, cider, barbequed beef, lima beans and piles of venison jerky!
Succotash, sweet pertaters, peas and turnips were heaped on pewter plates.
Gluttonous souls were heard to groan and appeared to be in desperate straits!
Missing was the dreaded green bean casserole that hadn't been concocted yet,
Since Campbell's mushroom soup, an essential ingredient, they could not get!
'Twas on that notable day that the strutting and hapless turkey made its debut!
(Oft I've mused - did the Palefaces and the Redskins play a football game too?)
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
I get this job every year
I have never been to medical school and I am just a lowly nurse
Yet it seems that every year my family hands me the electric scalpels and puts me to work
I surgically slice and dice ole Turkey Lurkey
Once he comes out of the oven he begins to get that nervous look upon his face
"I wonder how she will approach me this year?
Will it be the prone presentation or supine?
One year we ordered Cornish hens and it was sublime!
No carving required!"
This year I have a new blade and it is revved up and rearing to go
First I delicately removed his thighs and cut perpendicular through his breast
His gizzards were harvested at the beginning of the surgery all neatly tucked away in a nice little baggy
After Turkey Lurkey’s flesh was neatly arranged on the tray
I took the remaining juices and basted him one more time
Lean and tender and just on time
He arrived to the table straight from the O.R.
Happy Thanksgiving from my surgical suite to yours!
The Turkey Surgeon,
This is my official Thanksgiving Day poem!
Posse of peelers
to trim tubers.
If interested inquire immediately.
I do not know?
Bow your head and pray
Today's Thanksgiving day.
Poor turkey felt the axe
Bet he's sorry he ever hatched.
Mashed potatoes, gravy, yams
Consume mass quantities (But never ham)
Eat real fast and clean your plate
Soon you'll have a tummy ache.
Belch and moan and pop your zipper
'Hey hon, where's the Alka Seltzer?'