All I got
I hope not
Cry out loud
I think not
I am too proud
I am loved a lot
Who's to blame
Cry all day
stop the suicide
What makes the decision
To flick the switch
To end ones life
For the sake of it
Bullied at school
Fork in the road
To let death rule
Daughters and sons
What ever affects them
They just can't outrun
Sadness and tears
By all left behind
Will they ever understand
I'm not the person you think you see
'Cause I've got demons inside of me
I may have a smile on my lips
But I have cuts on my wrists and hips
You see I'm damaged, fractured, and broke
I'm surprised I still have hope
No one loves a broken girl
Especially not in this big bad world,
I'm too far gone and you can't save me now
So I will just keep falling down, down, down
Into the depths of my own demise
But it's nothing new, not a surprise,
These demons here hate me so
Sometimes I think I should just go
'Cause I welcome death with open arms
Death looks nice, it has so much charm,
Nobody here loves me anymore
And life is such a dastardly chore
They want me gone, I can tell so much
And someone told me to never trust
So now I know everyone lies
This is what many people need to realize,
But people will always trust
'Til that trust turns to dust
And take a shot in the dark
Until they are torn apart,
And now maybe you see
Why I have demons haunting me
But if you do not
Then you don't know the battles I've fought
And don't judge me at all
Because I will just continue to fall
I don't want to die,
But my mind feels old;
My body is so tired
And my heart grows cold;
Hands itch to slice--
Just the skin--just the skin,
Blood flows out as the pain seeps in.
They wanna give me pills
To treat a pain they haven't seen;
They try to cure the symptoms
Without knowing what it means,
To pick apart my brain
Without dirtying their hands,
While I drown in a sorrow
That I can't understand,
While unhelpful friends throw
Such unhelpful advice:
"Stop feeling sad!"
"Think of things that are nice!"
Meanwhile I wish
for an end to the pain.
I don't need any pills--
Just send me a train.
Spin off Happy Days
Na-Nu Na-Nu Shaz-Bot man
Planet Ork Mork fly!
© PoeTTreeZ Publishing
Don't ask me to apologize for being the monster inside
I refuse to set any agony i have aside
Don't ask me to torch out the fuse i have growing
There is so much torment behind this face without anyone knowing
Don't ask me to unmask this demon i enshrine deep in the dark
It fuels my spirit, whats left of me creating a tiny spark
Don't ask me to let go of the past
All the exploitation has been passed
Don't ask me to neglect the flashbacks you put into my head
So many wounds on my arms from the times you made me bled
Don't ask me to excuse all the sin you created
Cause my heart is buried distant enough it has to be gated
Don't ask me to uncoil and live a little
For how many times you beat me till my bones became brittle
Don't ask me to not dread all of this
I'd have to count the times of deaths i'd nearly miss
You've made me the monster
now don't ask me to apologize
Many people have no clue
Of the hell I go through
If they only knew
The pain and agony, too
Why do I say depression kills, age 14,
Twenty times I have tried with pills
Wished I was dead at times still
My brother was depressed, too
Going to counseling he needed to do
Guilt I feel because I knew
Should of been the one to help, too
Thirty-two years it tortured my mind
Peace I can never mind
It sometimes puts me in a bind
Can't relax and unwind
Many times the teardrops fall
Get angry and wanna hit the wall
The pain within, no longer can bear
Living with depression isn't fair
At my heart, it really tears
Unless you have depression,
Please don't say you understand, too
Because you really have no clue
As night begins to fall, she sits quietly at the gate.
Her ambitions are high, but it is up to fate.
For he's not the only one, that death will endure.
She waits like a stone, she wants to be sure.
She cries out to God, believing not, that He is there.
She debates once again, that this life is, or not fair.
The wind seeps through her, as if she were a window.
The gun at her head, awaiting the hard blow.
Her love went away, without making a sound.
He's buried beyond the gate, six feet underground.
She longs for his arms to wrap around her tight.
It won't be long now, she will be with him tonight.
As she counts to three her hand starts to quiver.
She pulls the trigger slightly, as she feels a slight shiver.
She is now ready, to commit this horrible sin.
Someone will find her in the morning, and open the gate to put her in.
She will be wearing a white dress, like she did on their wedding day.
There will be no more sadness, like when the cancer took him away.
There was a loud explosion, her body, now limp on the ground.
Her spirit rose out of her, escaping to where it was bound.
She opened her eyes, and then began to scream.
There was nothing but darkness, it had to be a dream.
She searched around blindly, then she heard a loud voice.
It asked, "Why did you do this?" She replied, that she had no choice.
She heard her name being called, and went to find the source.
She was startled when she found him, he sat laughing without remorse.
He then welcomed her in, as she entered this empty space.
She heard voices screaming in agony, a puzzled look upon her face.
She knew something was wrong, and began to run away.
But there was nowhere to go, this is where she would stay.
She then prayed to God, with everything that she had.
He replied, "I am sorry,” He sounded disappointed and mad.
He explained to her, His decision, why this was the only choice He had.
He disappeared quietly into the distance, leaving her to remember what she had.
She looked up to find her husband, waiting patiently by an unopened door.
She begins to run in his direction, wanting to be with him so much more.
He blows her a kiss slowly, across the air it fell.
Leaving her feeling shameful, feeling that she deserved this Hell.
Thinking that she should have waited, but knowing now that it was too late.
Oh how she wishes to go back, where she sat waiting patiently by the gate.
Water trickles on her wrists
Wiping away the blood
Wiping away the pain caused by so many others
The voices in her head are screaming for her to kill herself
Telling her to forget about the small amount of hope she still holds on to
For that hope is the only thing keeping her alive
She feels as if everyone around her don’t see her
They see her as broken, something that can’t be fixed
But everything can be fixed it may not be perfect
But it still holds value
In this case the value of a person’s life
Someone who didn’t deserve the way she was made to feel
She had people tell her ‘I hope you die in your sleep’
Or people saying she was better off in a coffin
These words she started to believe so after so many years of hoping she gave up
She gave in to the voices in her head
That night she went in to her father’s study and took out his handgun
She held it to her head and with tears streaming down her face she pulled the trigger
Her parents woke in a fright and ran to the study
To find her limp, cold body lying on the floor, hoping that what they saw wasn’t real
That there baby girl wasn’t gone
They blamed themselves for not seeing how much pain she was in
For not noticing her when it mattered.
Today is the day I have
chosen to die,on the wings
of an ANGEL I will fly high
I feel I could have been
better while I was here,
but on the wings of an
ANGEL,I will have no fear.
All my life I had to put up
a fight,but on the wings
of an ANGEL I will be alright.
Things may have been better
if id'e taken time to pray,now
I am on the wings of an ANGEL
and I am going to be ok.
Please LORD watch over my loved one's.
Colleen Marie Bono
Do you see my wrists?
They cry blood when I do this;
Push the blade deeper.
I cut to see if I feel how it's like being human,
I cut to see the pain relinquish inside,
I cut for all the memories that remain to drain down in the sewage
What symbols life runs with death in that rusty pipe.
A slash here and a slash there,
What happened in the past?
A slash here and there,
Soon the memories don't last.
Scissors, knives, razors and sharp edges
keeps a bloody smile, no more weep.
Slice and dice, trim more than the hedges
And I don't care if I go to deep.
One scar closer to a never ending dream,
I don't care if I go to deep.
I fall down
deeper and deeper
the sounds of evil
dripping into my ears
and sliding down into me
filling me with echoes.
terror courses through
into each cell
turning them against
they are no longer mine
they follow another
a stronger being.
icy breezes come
they whisper to me
they say I'm bad
they call me to them
the breezes dance
hiding me from the light
shielding me from hope.
my eyes are taunted
I see people
the ones I know
they are hurt
I have betrayed them
I am hurting them
it is me
but I can't stop.
my mind is plagued
comes a new terror
a cruel joke
all a prank.
only deeper do I fall
light is disappearing
all a game
for one person
the man in the
the one who is running the show
the show that is me.
he sees me falling
I can't see him
but he is there
teasing my brain
taunting my senses
he hates me
he wants to hurt me.
he throws it
I feel the pain
running up my leg
showing my bones
releasing my blood
it is blue
my blood is cold
it splatters my face
sprinkling my features
dotting them with blue
the blue liquid drips
jumping onto my tongue
I taste dirt
my blood is dirt
blue is all I see
blue is all I become
I am blue
blue is me.
a distant shout
who is it?
a cry for help
the sound is mangled
the sound is mine
I shut my mouth
but I still hear it
chilling my blue blood
ringing in my ears
shaking my breathing
jump-starting my heart
then it's over
the scream has ceased
and silence returns
sounding more deadly than ever before.
only black do I see
the monsters' playground
the demons' joyride
and someone is hungry
it wants me
it wants to take it
it feeds on people
people like me.
objects hitting me
ghosts' fingers prodding me
as I fall
I fall down
down into this never-ending hole
filled with misery
my worst fears
how did he know?
he knows I'm afraid
doesn't help me see
I can't see why
how does he do this?
they cut me again
spilling my blood
oh, the blue
I don't even feel it
I am numb
the sound of me
a quick slashing
and they are done
I am cut
I can't see my blood
but I can see how evil it must look.
the thoughts that fell
fell down with me
they talk to me
they tell me what they see
they can see
my cold blood
it is everywhere
I am pale
I look sick they say
they see the bottom
I fall faster still
slowing for nothing
for no one
being pulled down
the puppeteer has me
he's got my string
and he's pulling
with no sign of letting go.
now I hear a song
they all sing it
the notes are cruel
they bump into the others
struggling to be heard
with no set order
it is musical chaos
he yells to me
it is beautiful
and he sings along to his song
it's made for me
musical notes are played
they come up to me
they greet me
right into my cuts
surging into my blood
they search inside me
keeping them steady
picking up tempo
they found it
the music does the talking
it says to hush
my heart listens
and I get sleepy
the music is evil
played by the man
the man in the mask
my brains sends
one final request
it says to my heart
speed up, can't you see?
she is dying
you must speed up!
I still fall
with no way up
letting go of hope
dreaming of being saved
when I already know
I'll only be dropped.
I know what
it is flesh
but belongs to someone else
they smell of dirt
they are nothing to me
they are the stench
in my nose
the smell overcomes all
all the other senses
until it becomes me
and I burn too.
even in the dark
I see something
blacker than black
they are shadows
they mock me
I fill with evil
a longing to hurt
hurt the ones behind it all
I hear him
is his pleasure
oh so dark
I'm at the bottom
laying on the cold ground
in a small ball
too weak to stand
in a pool
of dark blue blood
I hold myself tight
I can't trust
he likes my weakness
he tells me I am small
I am ugly
I am worthless
I am nothing
he laughs when I cry
I thought that
it would be better
instead of up there.
hell is not a game.
death is not an
easy way out.
do not try to visit me.
do not try to rescue me.
for I am more lost
than I hope you will
now that I am
at my fate
at the entrance to hell
at the bottom of this grave
of my eternity
and if I am truly
I'll have plenty of time
to ask myself
why did I jump?
Understanding Suicide Understanding Me
Awhile back I had a dear friend contact me to ask if I heard about the young mans suicide at a nearby towns school. I had not. After asking one time on face book if any one of my friends had heard of any such event. My wall began to fill up with details about his life and his personality. His struggles and even previous attempts to end or erase his existence.
He was described as having dreamy eyes by female classmates when he was younger. He was described as the most polite and well mannered but troubled child one person said they had ever met.
Memories of my own changing years flooded my soul as I thought about it all. I did a school report in what they called then Junior High. And my chosen topic was suicide. I've often asked myself why I chose that topic. Today will be one of the very few times I admit it was on my mind a lot during that period of my life. It wasn't because my home life was unbearable. It wasn't because I had no friends or because my young heart had been broken.
In fact I'm only just now realizing it had almost nothing at all to do with my surroundings. It was something within me. Fear certainly had a part to play. Fear of tomorrow. Fear of never really feeling like I fit in. Even though by all outward appearances I was adjusting as well as the majority of people my age.
There was then and sometimes even now this voice. This relentless cruel and demeaning voice always there to remind me. I'll never be good enough. I will always only get what I deserve and that's why I'll never have anything that lasts. Anything that is true. And truly mine.
I was only given a passing grade for my report on suicide because it was obvious the amount of time and effort I put into it. I was told the topic I chose was wrong for a jr high school project. I had failed again. All of that after listening with blood pumping that we could choose our own topic. Somehow my choice wasn't good enough.
I realize now that my very choice for a topic should have sent off bells and whistles throughout the school that one of their own was thinking thoughts of suicide. But they missed it. They didn't see me at all.
Today I don't know why I chose that topic. But I know that one result of it was the saving of my own life. The understanding I gained by being able to see inside the mind that is tormented by unanswerable questions all starting or ending with why? And the realization that to the troubled mind the ultimate answer to fix the most un fixable things.
Is to end it.
This is the point when discussing suicide where fools love to chime in un researched and selfish insensitive remarks revealing their opinions and the fact that they are a fool.
A wise man knows only what he knows.
And he does not pretend to have already been where he never hopes to go.
People often consider suicide to be a selfish act. Sometimes referring to it as a cowards way out.
I hate that. And I hate anything that tries to simplify something as complex as a human mind that has reached it's breaking point.
The fact is that to the person in the midst of that struggle. It is the most unselfish and heroic thing that they think they could do.
My point is, that it was my understanding of suicide. It's effects and it's consequences that kept me from crossing that line.
After all the details of this young life surfaced and several hours later my dear friend and I talked again. And without saying it I know she was asking about this path I'm on with my poetry. The tributes to loved ones that have died. The heartache and the heartbreak that I see every day sometimes all day long.
And she asked me. Does all the sadness ever get to you? I responded Absolutely.
There are times I struggle beneath its weight. Sometimes I fall. But somehow I manage to get up again and I keep writing and sometimes when I'm lucky I see someones reaction to a poem where all of a sudden they get it. A life changing revelation takes place in that moment in time. And for a minute.
I know the reason I'm alive is to help other people live.
And to find the fullness in their life that I may or may not ever find for myself. It's no longer about me. Because you see somewhere back there that part of me that wanted so badly just to die.
I let it die. And I moved on but not me as I was. A different me. Weaker in some ways and stronger in others. Less proud but more to be proud of. More easily overwhelmed but less breakable.
And so when you see me on the mountaintop and I'm strutting around acting like I belong there. Please. Just let me have that one moment. Because tomorrow I'll be back with the mountain on top of me. Trying to find another way to save someone from going where I have been and hoping to enrich other peoples lives even if it means I know I'm simply going to be passed up along the way.
My reward is you rising above my highest point. My fee for my services? That you never forget how valuable you are. And that you keep pushing forward and never give up.
If you forget me tomorrow. That's ok. But don't forget the things I said. And don't forget to help someone else along the way.
Heart Whisperer Ed Hofert @ facebook
Edwin C Hofert
her life is on the tip of his tongue
the sparkle leaves her eyes
an arrow to his chest
drawing her to her death
a feather falling from the sky
the death of an angel
her wings turn blood red
like the color of the red sea
the sword drawn out of the ground
by her own hands
what he could not do himself
she has done for him
He falls unto to his knees
the arrow she had put into his chest
the greatest of betrayals
She asked for her death wish
Holding the ring in her palm
He looks into her eyes
watching the love she had left for him disappear
Falling into despair
Her face hitting the ground
Blood surrounded her body
He watched as she died
He couldn't move from the love that had pierced his chest
He sits there with a beer in his hand…
With residue from his last line on his nose.
No lights on in the house,
Because he’s always home alone.
To drunk to get up he urinates on himself.
But he can still get another beer.
He sits down and starts to cry.
He wonders why his family isn’t here.
He’s hung up on the past.
Things that could have been…
But right now he sits alone,
And he’s slowly dying.
He doesn’t even care about his daughter.
Who tries to stop him from drinking.
She cries and begs him to stop.
She sees him slowly sinking.
Soon he’ll lose his family…
Or more likely he’ll die.
It’s truly difficult to watch…
My daddy kill himself one beer at a time.
It's filled with pain
My mind is stained
Stained with every memory
Sometimes I think today will be my last day
This place causes me so much pain
I wish I didn't have to stay
Some days are worse than others
Dying for food
I'd do anything
To many things go through my head
Will I be able to keep down my next meal?
Will I live for tomorrow?
Is this terrifying place even real?
I feel so alone
Yet I'm surrounded by people
But this place could not be called a home
There's no life in these places
Or in these faces
Everyone looks dead
As so do I
Most of us haven't been fed
My eyes have been marked
With these dead bodies that lay upon the ground
Without a soul I still look at them
Soon I may be found
As one of them
Behind this barbed-wire fence
(It hurts to tell you so)
They stripped me naked then stared
At the dirt I could not rinse.
Behind this barbed-wire fence
(Slit wrists twisted in cuffs)
I told the half-dead counselor
I’d really had enough.
Behind this barbed-wire fence
(It hurts to tell you so)
Life is attempting suicide
In a graveyard where all dirt goes.
I see the pain in your eyes
The fear in your voice
I know because I've been in your place
It's not your choice
I would hate for anyone to feel this way
Please don't leave this world
Just try and stay
This isn't the only way to go
At least don't leave without a fight
You were never alone
You had me right by your side
Even when you never wanted me around
I promise to you I never told a lie
I was always honest and true
You don't have to end your life
I've tried to many times its not worth it
Please put down that knife
I mean it
Stay with me
Fight this battle with me by your side
You always had me don't you see
I was always nice to you
Even when you where terrible to me
I fought threw it and you can too
You're just a little seed
Waiting to grow into something beautiful
Angel of Death,
Cloaked in black.
With black scaled wings,
Upon her back.
Angel of Death,
Coming for me.
As soon as I sleep
Then dead I will be.
Taken by the night
It swallows and consumes me.
Now I am the angel
And death becomes me.
Bang, there goes another.
Another life, another meaning,
Gone. Gone like the rain in the desert
Never to return.
It’s the sad truth that our children
Cannot live in harmony together on our Earth.
We turn to the isolation.
To the pain.
To the self-hatred and the bitterness.
But what do we gain?
Our lives are not statistics.
We do not deserve this belittling
We do not deserve this treatment.
And yet we still take it all in stride.
We fall and we fall but it never seems to end.
And so we take everyone down with us in the long run.
When will we learn to grab hold,
and stop this incessant falling,
this constant drowning in our thoughts, in the shouting words of others?
Bang, there goes another.
A lost purpose, a lonely child.
Never to see themselves better than the ugly words of others
Just before death came a spinning swirl.
Lifeless body on the table lain.
Lost in a world where hatreds whirl.
Just before death came a spinning swirl.
What a pity; she is a beautiful girl.
Tears falling down like torrential rain.
Just before death came a spinning swirl.
Lifeless body on the table lain.
© Dane Ann Smith-Johnsen
January 7, 2010
Poetic Form: Triolet
Suicide is deadly. Do not choose death. Choose LIFE. Call the National Suicide Prevention
Hotline @ 1-800-273-8255.
i became a Christian... and now i realize... death is the only answer....
i hate to admit
that i live my life
it sickens me so
i found Christ
and i found him alone
i find it funny
that the church continues
to feel i should stay that way
they banish me
and see me as bad person
all because of what I've done
in my past
i love god
and i love Jesus
i cannot stand Christians
they are what first made me
what i used to be
is it fair to anyone
who wants to be one of us
has to feel so bad
at what the church says
he must become
people say to live by example
but what if the example
and what if the example
is what is keeping you from becoming
what your meant to be
the church, that is
to see such a beautiful building
and it have such a rotten core
if people could only see
that the church is not Christianity
theres no way a person in there will set you free
only one of them can
his name is Christ
i loathe the fact that some of the 'christians'
think they are so worthy
to save somebody
but they don't realize
they save nobody
only THE ONE can save one from the one they used to be
look at me
I had no clue they intended to end their life.
Gee I wish I had known
I never new they were that alone
How did I not know
They they felt so all alone
I would have never guessed.
Yesterday a fragile life came to end
Why so many friends thoughts were just to pretend
It could never happen to me
All my friends are as solid as can be
No one knew the pain they endure
For the thought of suicide to them was the cure
Now their gone and excuse's run wild
Another life taken in a shameful style
Why is suicide the final choice
People call this sudden death a silent voice
I never knew inside they were had been crying
And never realized ..their thoughts were of dying.
Please take note of the silent and lonely.
Or you will say I wish I had known and.....if only.
This is battle…This is war.
Escape is just beyond this gate.
All good girls go to heaven.
The blade is ready, the blade is keen.
Everybody must demean.
I’d be alive if they only knew
My problems are too hard to fix.
Life is everything but sturdy.
Life is the lock, death is the key.
It's not suicide,
helplessly into that dark place.
The one you've covered up for so long.
The one that is hidden behind your smiles and laughs and rehearsed joy.
For so long you've waited,
everyday only getting closer and closer to the edge.
You cut and bleed, hurting yourself because somehow,
someway it helps with the pain.
When things are good, they're bad.
When things are bad, they're horrible.
The pain of day to day life can be only so tolerated.
'Till that day when the cutting,
and bleeding doesn't help anymore.
And you finally fall.
You slip so effortlessly into that dark hole,
where there's no room for light.
Nothing but the final escape from that bitter pain.
As it gets darker and darker, you can see the light.
Not a light of something better, but a light that it's all over.
It's like a continuous rabbit hole,
Until you hit the bottom and you're gone.
It's not suicide,
I can't remember if the sun was shining
Or if the clouds looked down on me as I stood
A child of ten standing on a window sill
Whispering to himself he should
It started shortly after I woke
Distant where the trigger was
I'm guessing just the overflow
of everything they did and said
Finally ground down by all around
And though I'd fought for years
Death becomes a friend
When she's the only one there for you
Knowing I would soon be in the playground
Where no nurse could make better the names they cruelled
Knowing my mothers boyfriend was down stairs
Waiting for his latest vile whim to unfold
My mind consumed by every name called
I was not the same they proved
Alone in my crowded thoughts
T o death I looked for belonging
As I dressed my imagination dreamt
What could happen today?
Exploding into the unknown
My strength rapidly dissolved
I could see no directions
that didn't lead to another painful day
As my journey to the end begun
All they told me loading the gun
All that made me different from
Pushing me closer and closer to the edge of no return
In front of the mirror I stood
Cut off my curly hair
No longer the golliwog
That their taunts would compare
I covered my skin in talcum powder
As I didn't want to be
That horrible thick coon
he always called me.
My hair a mess
My colour unmasked
Tired, Frightened, alone,
I decided enough, enough
Standing on the window sill
The last bastion for survival colliding inside
As the exhausted wishes to hang on
Were overcome by the desperation to escape this hollow excuse for life
No single tear a cry for help
As id learnt they choose not to hear
I urge myself towards an end to the hurt
where the crying would clear
As I engulf my mind in my final moments
And call for death to take my hand
From across the road a woman called
To this day she probably doesn't know she saved my life
Created rivers down talcum powdered cheeks
But my mother didn't laugh
when she found me
I guess that's where you'd expect everything to be made right
I guess that's where I learnt to no longer believe
Through every promising word in the wake of what could
They didn't do what they should
Who wants violence?
Hold on strong,
The fight is nearly
Fighting to breathe,
Fighting to see,
It's hard to believe
this is me,
I never saw myself
falling to the
But in the end this
is how I'm paid,
Torn from fears,
All I know is that,
I'm not sure why I'm
Told to live,
But living a lie,
Stuck in a place
where everyone wants
me to die,
Hurt and confused,
Broken and bruised,
Not sure what to do,
But i Will fight
till I can't move,
This is what I must
I do not know?
I stare into the eyes of death itself
About to take my life
Cold sweat rolls down my face
As I hold to my wrist a knife
I cut my wrist deep
Adreline runs through my veins
I cut it deeper and deeper
My arm is numb from the pain
I move to my other wrist
As I sit with a smile on my face
I watch the blood run down my arms
I return the knife to its case
My eyes are blank now
Nothing but black starts to pour in
I have bled to death
I have committed a sin
It always begins with the little things.
I don’t want to do my homework.
Procrastinating, saying I have time.
Knowing how pointless it is
To complete something that
has such little significance.
I don’t want to go out and have fun.
Because more often than not,
Even if there are other people around,
I always feel
so hopelessly alone.
I don’t want to get out of bed.
Feeling the bed sheet cling to me
Inviting me in with the warmth it creates
Hearing it whisper,
“Stay in bed a bit longer.”
I don’t want to wake up.
Opening my eyelids everyday,
Knowing that I can’t
see the truth without
hurting my eyes.
I don’t want to live.
It always ends like that.