A Painful Thanksgiving Night…
As I sit here this Thanksgiving night
I can do nothing else but write.
My family’s in the other room
So, why do I feel all this gloom?
When we arrived late last night
I thought for sure I would be alright.
Even though it took everything in me
To take that 3 hour drive you see.
Each and every time I come
All I want to do is run.
Run away and never turn back
A family bond I sure do lack.
A mother’s love is what I crave
But a hug and money is all she gave.
My sisters and I we try and try
To understand mother as the years go by.
But nothing about her ways makes sense
She’s cold and hard and always on the defense.
Through the years she’s done much wrong
But the love of my mother I still do long.
Though the bad memories of her will never erase
I prayed through my kids they might be replaced.
Maybe they would chase away her pain
And my love for her would not be in vain.
When they’re around her it’s clear to see
There’s nothing left, no mystery.
Who she is; is what she’ll be
All I see is a repeat of history.
A history filled with hurt and pain
To protect my children I must break the chain.
This chain has bound me in so many ways
It almost claimed my life - on several days.
I can act insane
But DO NOT
Make me feel worthless
I belong in God’s family
He will bless my future generation
Don’t punish me for
Being myself –
Don’t envy my glee
I can act like an
Adult, but I’d
Prefer to have joy…
That piles upon us in our
Being childlike is
A rare beauty –
No one prizes it…
No one came across it…
In this lifetime…
I can laugh all day
I can make you smile
If you’d accept my
Childlike dreams of mine
Don’t treat me like a sick swine
Renew my young heart
Give me the ability
To kill the old man…
I have my place in God’s family
He’ll be adored and glorified
We’ll exchange prayers and hugs
By my future generation
I beg of you –
Don’t kill my childlike mentality
I’ll behave myself…
I’m positively sure that I’ll make you happy
I’ll still have pieces of a child in me
And pass it on to my future generation…
My mom was a strong woman, and stubborn too,
Yet she had a soft side, between me and you.
That side she would show, when you least expected,
But let me tell you, she was well respected.
Mom was quite unique, and was one of a kind,
She was set in her ways, so keep that in mind.
The youngest of nine, she had gotten her way,
Spoiled by her siblings’, almost every day.
Right out of high school, she had married my dad,
Blessed with three children, plus fifty years they had.
They both were hard workers, in all that they did,
My dad taught himself, from when he was a kid.
My mom was a smoker, for forty-six years,
Some day it would happen, she’d face all her fears.
Lung cancer she had, and inoperable too,
Her time on this earth, would be shortened we knew.
Radiation and Chemo, had done their thing,
Remission set in, tears of joy it did bring.
We would go out at night, to shop and to talk,
I knew she enjoyed, getting out for a walk.
Two years had gone by, after Thanksgiving Day,
Her pain had returned, but was afraid to say.
She’d lie on the couch; it was strength she did lack,
We knew in our hearts, that the cancer came back.
We shared lots of laughter, but many a tear,
I tried to assure her, she’d nothing to fear.
“Please watch over your dad, this one thing I ask.”
“I know it will be, quite a difficult task.”
One morning in March, Hospice called us to say,
You may want to come, for she’s slipping away.
For the night before, mom told me to stay home,
“Be there for your kids, you can call me by phone.”
When we all arrived, for a moment she woke,
Her eyes said it all, not a word had she spoke.
We stayed by her bedside, just holding her hand,
“It’s time to let go mom, we all understand”.
A few days had passed, not ready to let go,
For it had been raining, but letting up slow.
The sun began shining, the clouds disappeared,
Opening the heavens, for mom’s time has neared.
We gathered together, her forehead we kissed,
Whispering so softly, how much she’d be missed.
“Your time has arrived mom, just follow the light”,
She left us so peaceful, she gave up her fight.
It was time to drive home, in the car we got,
Then something had happened, while leaving the lot.
Huge drops of rain falling, it had to be fate.
They were tears of joy; she was at heaven’s gate.
I have fallen victim so many times
To nobody's fault except only mine.
I will ask for forgiveness and have faith,
Even though I feel like I am not saved.
Everything on Thanksgiving differs in its decor:
walls painted bright orange as a clown's hair
to match the tablecloth as thin as linen...
while the festive atmosphere resonates again!
" Before you start enjoying your food, bow your heads
and pray; don't take for granted what you are about to eat...
think of those people who stand outside shivering in rags,
sniffing the savoring vapors of that turkey...oh, what a treat!"
A rich home is a poor man's wish as he begins to smell and drool,
thinking of all the delicacies laid on those tables
decorated with expensive roses and candles;
is he one the wealthy ones who risked all to remain a pitiful fool?
Will I see his passing shadow drifting over the brightly-lit lawn?
Will he peak in and have enough courage to knock?
I will open the door and take off his long frock...
give him a big plate of food, make him smile and erase his frown!
Entered in Debbie Gucci's contest,
" Happy Holidays "
Mom is just mom when she wants to be,
I wish she was more independant in life.
What I write is the truth, she'd probably agree.
Maybe she didn't do a good job as a wife,
Put down the alcohol and look towards God.
Because He is the one who will make things right.
This past Thanksgiving I didn't sense your love
You didn't cook Turkey, no family was present.
I left and you didn't even give me a loving hug.
Since I became a Muslim, I'm not feeling your presence,
You also act different in front of my girl,
I guess mom is just mom, that's my life's lesson.
Hopefully situations will get better for you
And one day you'll realize in this world what is true.
There was a wonderful change in my life today,
A sense of something good comming my way.
It's been a long time comming and it's feeling right ,
I know this because I was able to sleep last nihgt.
Loving you has always been so easy for me ,
Holding on to you was very different you see.
Finally the clouds and stormy skies have cleared,
We can see it clearly now that it is so near.
For years we have struggled with this love we shared,
Only recently have the two of us become so aware.
Of what we truly feel for each other these days,
Leaving no doubts it was meant to be this way.
I love her more now then I ever have before ,
To think I was about to walk out that door.
She loves me I can feel her much closer now ,
The happiness I feel makes me scream aloud.
Telling everyone I have a wonderful thing,
The love of my Queen who has made me her King.
We will live our lives making all the memories ,
This love I have for you and you have for me.
Today I woke to your voice, on the answering machine
I pourd two cups of coffee, and read the morning paper
I wrote a little note, and placed it on the T.V. screen
Yelled out I love you, and that I would see you later
Your sister waved at me today, She still shows me that I'm Number one
So I just waved back to her, and went on with my day
On my desk sits your picture, where you were so happy and having fun
Down there at the lake, two years ago today
Talked to my momma today, told her that we're doing fine
She asked if we were coming home, on thanksgiving day
I told her you had to work, but I'd be there by nine
And that I probably could, spend a couple of days
Driving home I saw your sister again, I just waved and reved the engine
I think she really likes me, She's always waving I'm number one
Tonight I fixed you dinner, Made your favorite bite to eat
Then I done the dishes, so that you could rest your feet
I opened a letter in the mail today, as I read it the words made me cry
Then I realized that I was all alone, and that you finally went away
I just couldn't believe, that you would ever say doodbye
And that this all happened, two years ago today
I do not know?
It’s Valentines Day full of cards and kisses
Wish you were here covers all of my wishes
Easter is here and were celebrating our lord
Each day that passes I miss you even more
It’s been seven years today since we said, “I do”
It seems longer than that since I last held you
We all gather together for the birth of our land
It’s the Fourth of July and your not here as we planned
It’s your birthday today marking 34 years
When I think of you celebrating alone, it brings me to tears
Now it’s thanksgiving and the families all here
The rooms filled with spirit and still your not here
Out of habit I set a place at the tables head
The kids leave it and “Soon Mom” is all that was said
Santa is coming and kids are full of cheer
I try to keep smiling even though you are not here
Pictures with Santa and the lighting of the tree
Smiles on Christmas morning I wish you could see
We gather to wish good tidings to all
I sit and wait by the phone thinking maybe you’d call
You have missed a great deal in the year you’ve been gone
Jason had a great time at his junior prom
Katie turned seven and Chrissie turned two
For all their birthday wishes- they just wished for you
At night we all get tucked into bed
We snuggle up close and then bow our heads
Dear Lord please keep special watch over our Dad
If anything happens to him we’ll be so sad
He’s over helping the other country grow
Doing his job as you already know
He’s helping other little boys and girls
Opening their eyes to a whole new world
We are so proud of him and hold our heads high
But each night we hear mommy lay there and cry
We all miss him more than you know
Yet during the day we don’t let it show
We have to be strong and keep the faith
That soon he’ll be home with us and be safe
We are proud to hang that flag up high
We are all so full of American pride
We pray for all the soldiers’ safe return home
We pray that there are no more families left alone
Dear God for this Christmas please hear us pray
Bring our soldiers home where they belong, where they’ll stay
Making it through another day,
Not always so easy...
When insomnia has turned your bed
into a mocking instrument of torture...
And another 6 day awake cycle starts...
When your body decides it's "pay-back time"
for years of abuse...
When you're so spirit worn by loneliness,
you feel you can not stand another minute alone...
When the only thing with meaning is now the past....
When the ringer on your phone has forgotten how to ring...
When dreams start to become fearful experiences...
Where there is no family anymore...
And another Thanksgiving with a Swanson HungryMan Turkey Dinner
is what to expect...
When you're immobilized, with no car and no body that can walk
more than a few yards without medical support.
When everytime you lend someone something, they take it as a gift,
and they no longer take your calls...
When you're so worn down with depression, you don't bother to call anyone
When you envy the married regardless of their marriage's value.
When you've said your last word, and nobody heard.