I do not know?
Inspired by Andrew Wyeth Watercolor Painting -- Wind From the Sea, 1947
Standing in the old house
A strange mixture of feelings erupt within me
My roommates Depression, Loneliness, and Hopelessness
Greet me with strangling arms and leering grins
I don’t fight them anymore – somehow they are a part me
So together, in this house, in this room
We endure the somber solitude of the day
A sudden chill fills the room
Death enters – its foul breath chokes me
My three companions prostrate themselves
Pressure builds in my bowels
Bile rises in my throat
A heavy weariness fills my bones
He’s calling – hissing my name
I can’t breath
Death surrounds my soul – crushing me
I hear groaning . . .
Strange guttural sound -- it’s coming from me
Deep painful darkness fills me
I beg Death to take me . . .
Through the open window
A gush of wind enters
A sheer curtain hanging comes to life
It’s spirit lifts inwards and up beckoning me to dance
What is this wonder?
A limp ragged curtain – faded, stained, frail -- has life
Reaching toward me . . . frayed fingers of thread motioning
Old friends rush to me – Joy, Hope, Love
Death’s grip slips – I gasp a breath
Looking up I see the open window
Boarded by old bare wood, hard with age
I realize it’s daylight now – soft shadows
A curving road leading to the water
I can taste the saltiness in the wind
Trees in the distance
A calling from the sea
Seagulls, waves, laughter
Joy breaths into my nostrils
Leave this place – Depression cannot hold you
Simple pleasures I will give you
Cool breeze on a summer afternoon
Laughter of friends
A walk in the garden
The Sea . . .
Depression laughs in my ears
Through that window lies heartache, treachery, poverty, misery
It will chew your insides up – blood will pour from your lips
Pain and suffering awaits if you leave this house
Death waits to take you home
An end to this constant noise – the peace of total emptiness
Another breeze and Hope fills my eyes with light
I see colors – vibrant alive filling me with warmth
Leave this place, take a journey to the sea
Let light fill you and be your guide . . . see -- opportunities abound
For laughter, love, forgiveness . . . for life – abundant life
See the rainbow upon the Sea
Hopelessness rushes toward me
Kisses my lips and whispers
Light burns and blinds
They will see clearly your secrets
Spotlight focus – ridicule scorn . . . ugly disgust . . . self-hatred
Love rushes in and embraces me
Light, fresh, empowering
My heart leaps with pleasure
Arm and arm she leads me to the window
Much pain and sorrow – yes . . . also Love
A powerful love that transforms, refreshes . . . frees
Breathe deeply of the Sea air – fill your lungs
Go – you are loved deeply and completely
Looking out Looking in
Believing that marriage was ordained of God;
that, like a seed, it needed constant nurturing,
she sowed her deep devotion with a hope
that stretched beyond an ordinary scope.
That hope scanned schisms that had left her desolate-
until it reached the heavens with her prayers.
Time and time again, her spouse complained or failed to do small things
essential to cementing the marriage bond.
With unusual restraint, she held her tongue, forgave. . . and listened.
If matrimony were the fire in a hearth, she supplied the kindling and the logs;
then lauded him for twigs that on occasion he tossed in.
Some nights she’d lay a weary head upon the chest
of the one she called her husband (when he was fast asleep and didn’t know).
In those moments, she felt the beat of that heart he never showed to her.
With humbleness she supplicated God
that she might find connection with her mate.
She wondered and she wondered why. . .if thoughts, invisible,
which were transmitted to the Lord, were able to be recieved by Him,
why could not her words, directly spoken to the one on earth she loved, be heard?
Daily on her knees, she telegraphed celestially with a faith most extraordinary. . .
and wisdom came. Her love would not be broken, and she grew.
The seed she’d planted took root too and grew until there came a time. . .
she laid a graying head upon the chest
of one that was her husband (not just in word only);
a someone who now watched HER as she drifted off to sleep.
With his heartbeat strong in her ear,
she heard him whisper softly, “I love you” as he kissed her cheek goodnight.
For Audrey Carey's "To Err Is Human to Forgive Divine"
When anger rages
Resist the urge to speak
Words will only wound
Resolve is what you seek
Simply take a quiet moment
To let your feelings digest
Remember all that is good
Let nature do the rest
Within this moment of silence
Reason will abound
Again love is found
I was once a little twig with dreams of being a mighty tree
So people would come from all around just to look at me
As the years started to come and go I fell in love with the wind
I would open myself big and wide swaying to the music of my friend
My rings became many and my bark was as red as red could be
Then the day finally came I was the tallest of the tallest trees
I stood tall and I stood proud and everyone knew my name
As my rings continued recording my destiny to fame
Then the fateful day it came my friend and I had a fight
Looking back I can't recall who was wrong or right
I said, "You are but the wind something people can't even see"
" And I'm the king of them all the tallest of the tallest trees"
That night the wind started to howl she really started to blow
And I the tallest of all the trees learned we reap what we sow
My roots struggled to hold on tight but without a soul around
She who had been my dearest friend knocked me to the ground
The loggers came and cut me up then shipped me away
To my soul that truly was a sad and lonely day
Torn from all I knew and loved wishing I didn't have to feel
I was cut into boards and post down at the local mill
Now I'm back here at home just a few feet away
From where my friend the wind and I used to dance and play
I'm the deck on which you stand I lay below your feet
There is a bench made of me would you care to have a seat
Sometimes in life our roles change just take a look at me
The trick is no matter who are what you are be all you can be
See I was once a little twig who became a mighty tree
And now I'm a redwood deck as proud as proud can be
And of my friend the wind she visits me everyday
So I can thank her once again for helping me find my way
Tell me that this fear is just paranoia in my mind,
we're not straining, we're not struggling,
we're not sinking, we're just fine.
I'm not perfect my dearest, but damn have I tried,
and I'll try harder but I know I'll have the same results every time.
Do you want me all the ways that I am?
With all the struggles and the tears and the clinging to your hand.
I fear your getting further and Im left on the shore to stand,
watching you in the distance with a bullet in my hand.
Tell me all this worry, its just clutter in my mind,
tell me not to worry that we're doing just fine.
Cause Im scared to run you off and I feel Im falling deep.
And Im so frightened of these thoughts that its getting hard to sleep.
All I know is that the heart wants what it desires,
because of you the match inside has turned into a fire.
And I feel the broken glass thats sticking from my skin,
Wondering if you'll remove the pain or push it back in.
My hearts frantic wondering if you feel the same,
pleading and begging for more than just a saying,
but to feel and to see that im not alone,
with being in this love thats overwhelming.
Once I told you that we didnt have a spark,
but you were lighting up and I was sitting in the dark.
And this fire, this blaze its wrapped in desire.
Im terrified to lose you, I think I might die or,
maybe disappear from all the pieces falling out,
im going crazy but when i open my mouth, nothing comes out,
and I cant explain to you why I just need to hold you close,
why every time you leave Im scared to let you go,
why these tears are building up behind my eyes,
all I know is that the heart wants what it desires
and it desires to be your wife.
So tell me in my panic, that your words are true,
tell my my dearest what I mean to you,
tell me that this paranoia is all within my mind
we're not struggling, we're not sinking tell me we're just fine
God Sends Promises and Love
God sends rain, snow , all kinds of weather
sweet love that brings us all together
A miracle or two when we so badly need it
gardens of fruits if we but weed it!
God gifts our lives with our sweet kids
pulls us up when our lives hit the skids
Brushes us off with gentle mercies divine
blesses us with good food and his wine!
God sent love by way of his Saviour Son
miracles of love not to ever be outdone
Rainbows showing promises very sublime
a reward of love and eternity in time!
God stands the Rock that meets our needs
Forgives us of even the most wicked deeds!
Does the past really matter?
Does it set you free?
I’m absorbed in the sin,
That is surrounding him and me.
Lost in the curiosity,
Cold to the touch.
Drenched in the poison,
With my dignity in his clutch.
Feeling like I was cheated;
I chose the evil instead of light.
I traded in the sunshine,
For what lurks in the night.
I disobeyed his orders,
I gave up security to be unsure.
I went against the warnings,
Gave into darkness instead of remaining pure.
Once my bed was made of soft grass,
But now it is made of stone.
Was plump from all of the luscious fruit,
Now I’m starving to the bone.
My curse is one of circumstance.
The punishment a crime,
I’m stuck inside this dampened cave,
For the rest of time.
My world came crashing down,
The grief has not subsided.
My heart broke completely,
When my sons collided.
My misery a token,
From the abandonment I earned.
Upon the time spent in sorrow,
There was a lesson to be learned.
Have I found the moral?
Only in time we shall see,
For all I did was eat an apple-
From the Knowledge tree.
This heavy guilt weighing on me,
Like too many leaves on a little tree
Covered in rain from a sky that poured
I hurt a person who I adored
If I could have just let things be,
Then maybe he could now run free
Instead he stands numb with a silent plea
My actions, once sweet, are now deplored
This heavy guilt
He and I, once we
Now like locks without a key
The distance so great we could never ford
But his name still on my heart is scored
I wonder if the world can see
This heavy guilt
Forgive me my love for the hurtful words
I hurled from my mouth time and time again
Forgive me for letting you down
for in your time of need I was never around
Forgive me for the long nights
for all the constant fights
Forgive me for the innoncence I took away
for all the help I kept at bay
And lastly forgive me for being anything other than
a loving and caring husband
Can you see them run to me – arms wide and laughing,
calling me, Mama: keeper of the stars, moon and hearts?
Can you see them kiss away my pain, healing every hurt
that’s ever marked me broken, dead or dying?
Can you see them hurt me? When they curse me, flay me;
ground me with their unformed anger and bravado-uncertainty
until they fly behind doors, crying over what they’ve said –
wishing they could take it back?
O’, does that pride HURT!
It stabs the chest and holds…holds…holds.
Can you see them behind doors and feel their wishful hearts burn?
Can you feel them loving me through it all?
Love is not something easily hidden. Love like that breaks down doors –
sees through them.
Can you see my tears; feel the weight of them on your cheeks?
They are yours.
Where you are (past the furthest/closest door) can you see me in them?
Can you see the love I kept hidden in my dark and painful dungeon?
You never knew what he did to me – but deep down, I blamed you anyway.
There was only you left, you see; always you.
Can you see, I'm just like you?
If you can see me, you know.
And if you can hear me crying through this God Damned pen (all those notes –
all those written sorry’s slipped beneath doors - you must have known that
even at 37, I’d write you my heart in a note!)
You, Gran/Mother, are my one and only regret.
That for 7 years, I treated you like a burden, a bother, and a barrier.
I treated you like you should have treated me – an unintentional intruder;
like something taken, not given.
But worse than that, I treated you like an acquaintance.
Knowing how badly that must have hurt you, makes me want to be kicked in the face
until I am unrecognizable; to the rest of the world, and myself.
But life’s not like that, is it? No. You knew that, too.
My baby boy has your nose, ears, and eyes.
Do you think that if I whisper in his ear tonight while he sleeps (between you and me –
at the doorway), you could hear me?
Tonight, I will whisper love in his perfect ear (pressed up against heaven’s door) -
maybe you will hear me say,
“Indy…Gran, I’m so sorry. If you can hear me, please give me a sign so I will know
you’ve heard me. I want to see you smile again – just one more time…please…
let me know that somewhere, behind the door, you forgive me…”
And in the darkness of his bedroom; the moonlight covering his small face
like an angel’s kiss, the baby boy in her likeness, smiled.
Oh, stay with me for always love
though I may pull away,
or strike your cheek with brazen hand,
then tease you with my play.
Pledge your heart my cherished one,
though deeds do not deserve.
My words cry out from silent tongue.
Why have I lost my nerve?
Spare me tears from love’s lost nights
and lonely days, sun-spilled,
a flood of light could never quench
soul’s thirst, I live for still.
A need or want, I ne’er define
nor scores I dare not keep,
for love’s own breath whispered in ear
can cause my heart to leap.
I pray mistakes of past shan’t cost
my love and morrow’s trust.
No roses bloom without the thorns;
no hearth warms without dust.
So if you go, my love from thee
I’ll know ‘tis all my fault.
To borrow time, I’ll beg and plead
‘til pounding heart does halt.
We made arrows from feather and bone
before burning down our homes,
our footsteps slinking
over undulating, snow-covered hills.
The animals residing inside my head
follow me into the forest
where I cross streams to lose my scent.
Bugles blare in the distance,
but at my feet, the hounds lay open,
bleeding-out in morning's fresh snowfall.
These moments invoke an original sin.
I could fell a million men with the softest of blossoms -
slay a million men with a gentle, whispered caress.
And so I pray for my hate to be replaced by grace,
since you are the other half of my heart and hearth,
since you are also a victim to the plague,
it's all I can do, to atone for my Aboriginal sin.
~(2013 Halfling Remix)~
January 22nd, 2013
*Dedicated to Singing Rain: May your sacred arrows always fly true
Behind the dark walls of the prison,
Hiding my face from all in my vision,
Abandoned by my bosses,the terror leads,
I wait to be hanged for my misdeeds.
Now I look back to think….
Important member of the Al-Qaeeda,I was,
Given tasty food, and rigorous training by my boss,
I was taught “muslims are harassed round the world,
To help them, grenades and bombs ,I have to hurl.
Arms and ammunitions to me they gave,
To destroy the world, the path they paved.
Rigorous physical training I was given,
On the path of “Jihad’I was driven.
I felt …”me, a class four dropout from school,
To a fidayeen…oh so cool.”
With pots of money l was lured,
A place in paradise..I was assured.
Reading the terror email from the Mujahideen,
I was all charged up and excited to become a fidayeen.
With the ammunitions, I was on my way,
On the path of destruction that they laid.
“Explode bombs, shoot and kill”,
They said “that is what was Allah’s will.”
An obedient student I was in their list,
Little did I realize I was a dangerous terrorist!
As I killed and killed and shed innocent blood,
Suddenly, I was shot and I fell down ..thud!
Interrogations by cops continued endlessly on me,
Confusing the cops,I waited for Al-qaeeda to rescue me.
To my rescue, none from Al Qaeeda came,
Hated worldover a terrorist I became!
No one would come I felt
I was misled! I silently wept.
Jihad would never get me paradise,
Fallen in eyes of Allah, I will never ever rise.
I am unable to bear this and want to die,
And face Allah ? In fear and shame I cry.
I neither can live nor die in peace ,
Forgive me Allah, I cried on my knees.
Old, young, man woman, child I randomly killed,
Was this by Allah, in me instilled?
I repent and feel am cursed by all,to hell I shall go,
What mass destruction on earth have I done? Oh!
I have now to face all those I murdered,
What do I answer them, I ponder.
Spread love and peace is the message of God,
I have now learnt the message of the Lord.
I confess ..”Jihad and terrorism are hated by god,”
I sincerely beg “Forgive me all, forgive me Lord!!”
Kindly note :If anyone wants to comment on my poem, kindly note that I am not a terrorist.
This poem is written by me as a message to all the terrorists in the world that peace and love
is what god wishes.The inspiration is from the recent attacks in Mumbai.
Alone in loneliness
Amid forever nights
And these four walls
In faint, whisper soft your name
I beg out loud to the nothingness that remains
"Please not another nightmare, no more storms"
But, answers are merely glimpses of light
Filtering through the pane
Cast empty shadows on the wall
Of places where you used to be
Eyes wide open
Now asleep, afraid I am to fall
Trapped within this never ending dream
I cling to all the memories that I have
Spinning me closer to where you were, in parallel on the edge
The thoughts, like imaginary rubble, comes tumbling passed
A fire for you still burning inside
Why can’t I let go of the tragedies last
And silence your unrescued suicidal screams
Or is it only the rain falling faster as it taps harder, and harder upon the glass
Or is it of your wandering spirit
Haunting with its vindications
Of "why’s" I can never seem to grasp
All this amidst lost stares into black windows
Where gutters overrunning, burdened by the strains
And I swear I see your reflection
Among the flashes, tracing out illuminations about your face
And for the first time
You are noticeably absent of all the worldly pains
And your lips releasing out a comfort that for so long I've been seeking
As I hear the words echo within my stormy heart "That where you are everything is okay"
You made the mistake and now,
your afraid to face this day.
Your thoughts are racing through
You wonder if your family looks at
you as a disgrace, but you'er mother
takes you and reasures, your very
much loved in grace.
Even though your much to young
for this breathing little thing this
You couldn't just throw it out
like it was a peice of trash.
So you grow up and take the
path that led you to your best
mistake for years to come.
The warrior lays her weary head,
With heavy heart she cannot bear,
Burning tears stream down her face,
As whispered memories touch the ear.
Her armour tarnished by remorse,
Her battle-cry a wimpered row,
Her wounds, of which bleed solitude,
Will never know forgiveness now.
The song began two score ago,
When two came knocking at her door,
In need of refuge from the world,
Of that, and love, and little more.
Forced to fight for every smile,
Her only solace found in song,
She longed for love to rescue her,
And plant her where she could belong.
Jealous tongues are seldom kind,
Self-seeking hearts know nought of love,
The caged canary only sings,
When coaxed to praise from up above.
For the steely spine that now I own,
Forever shall I grateful be,
A gift from her, and from her own.
Courage mounted inwardly.
I'll not forget how I have loved thee,
And youthful memories I will prize,
Til on the shore of His forgiveness,
Whereto now, we both shall rise.
You looked down at me, blue eyes intent on freezing, looked past my tears, and
said you loved me.
There was no expression on your face, no warmth in your kiss, you told me you
cared, and wanted only me.
I placed my hands on your back, kissed that mouth and told you how beautiful I
thought you were. Then you smiled that first smile you told me I was absolutely
When the sweat was dry, and the air was still, you wrapped your legs in mine, and
stroked my hair. You shared all the moments of your past, the plans of the future,
and the child like excitement of your dreams overwhelmed me into tears.
I fell in love with you. I fell hard. I fell for a man who felt nothing for me. I fell into
the arms of something that I dreamt was there, but faded, like the scent of your
skin. I never knew how blind I was. I never thought it would hurt to let you go. I
never thought I would have to. I never thought you would ever hurt me, instead
you crushed me.
You told me you loved me, and you cared. You told me I was worth everything, but
you left me. You just left me. No note. No call. No email. Nothing. You just
disappeared leaving me to feel like everything everyone had ever said about you;
everything you said you were, was true.
I danced with you. I let you in to my heart. You saw my soul. You knew everything.
You were everything to me. How could you do this to me? Why did you have to lie
and tell me it was only me? Why did you tell me I was it for you? Why did you tell me
you loved me, and cared so damn much? Why didn’t you stop to think about me
just once before eating that cake you so had to have.
You looked down at me, eyes still frozen, and begged me to have that baby. There
was a beautiful smile on your face, and you said you loved me.
You watched me move, and I heard you sigh. I thought it meant everything. You
said I was everything. You said you loved me. I thought you loved me
Never got to say all I needed too..
Motionless words as this bird flew..
Now I look out my window to reach
I talk to the sky and send feelings
that are kind..
On a quiet night when your thoughts
Out your window they fly with no harm
If you smile for no reason, I'll know why..
Maybe just a few have reached your eyes..
For PD's contest... The reason I picked this piece is because this past month I was able to hear from this lady for whom I wrote this piece about.. I emailed it to her and she was so grateful that I still cared enough to write for her..It gave us closer and helped us both realize why we are better where we are now... love doesn't stop it just gets transformed into a better friendship...
Walking alone on the cold concrete streets
tears rolling down these fire red cheeks
cold wind in my face, I don't even care
wishing this pain in my heart disappeared
Snowflakes are falling, my feet are all wet
Aimlessly strolling, mind full of regret
I can't remember or did I forget
what you had said, or what I had done
how did it start or how it had begun
feelings inside me are wanting you bad
I can't go on living feeling so sad
My instincts are telling me, run back to you
Our time is not over my love is still true
all cold and shivering I knock your door
red roses in hand, forgiveness asked for
I'm sorry my darling I know you are right
Climb into my arms and make love with me all night
High upon the highest heights
I see the most tremulous sight
A small girl, fair and tranquil
Smiling strangely, sitting still
Beneath a sobbing willow tree
She recites a verse upon her knee
She sings a rhythmic hymn
Not of death, nothing grim
But prays that life will return
Even for those who are doomed to burn
The girl is a woman now
Beneath the tree and upon the cloud
She whispers, “I am watching you”
Why then are you so blue?
A single tear of sadness and joy
Rejuvenate the quirky earthly boy
Who sits down beneath the blooming tree
Listening to her silent voice attentively
She reminds him she was once young too
That she also was a misty shade of blue
But when the boy grows into man
He has come to ignore the fair woman
Who watches him still from above
Burning and swelling with disdainful love
The ways of the world have sweltered his heart
And time has torn his soul apart
Thus he has lost all innocence and light
Battling his sinful lust—an endless plight!
I watch as he feeds on others’ pains and fears
Reducing the vigilant woman to tears
The prayer of the innocent has been ignored
Life has died and hellfire stored
Into the hearts of the impotent
In blue, fires of haze their heart is sent
Toiling in misery and lament
Savaged and severed by our regret
The heavenly woman grows old and frail
And the man still treads the sinful trail
As the rotting tree withers into dust
Can I revive it? –I must!
Low as low can possibly be
I watch myself condescendingly
A tombstone, gray and hell-bent
Frowning knowingly in bewilderment
Above the dust that once was a tree
She cries out a verse anxiously
Faintly she whispers the undying hymn
Not of happiness, nothing of whim
And prays that life will come to end
For those that break instead of bend
Forging forgiveness for foolish fights,
my heart starts to overrule my head.
And although I should have known better,
I believed every weighed word you said.
You promised not to hurt me again,
like you had so many times before.
And you pleaded for just one more chance,
to prove that I'm the one you adore.
You tried to convince me you had changed,
saying that this time your love is real.
And as my heart began to take note,
painful wounds slowly started to heal.
Damaged dreams fuel fragmented feelings
and I’m not so sure my heart can cope.
For memories of yesterday’s hurts,
still haunt the outer fringes of hope.
I can forgive yet I can't forget,
for those images cannot be erased.
And whenever silent screams surface,
dreams and nightmares become interlaced.
I feel scared and unsure what to do,
this is a difficult choice to make.
For do I move on to tomorrow,
or gamble on yesterday's mistake.
Mankind sees through human eyes and hearts-
that are oft times
untouched and rendered cold.
But as the Ancient of Days many foretold-
The hearts of the fathers will
be turned back to the children;
And the hearts of the children will be turned back
to the hearts of the fathers.
When I am Colder,Older and then alone...
I will collect the sky on my own...
When the art has faded and the days then fade-
when everyone has gone away...
I may finally see what never was saw
.....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh............... the quiet sky
The unlit room which bares my end...shows the flashes of my pains my joys and sins.
This life has been a strange one since the curtains were drawn
These paper and plastic figures have clouded the dawn
I was once younger,foolish,and obsessed with truth
Now I am bitter,sour,dour faced with my heart under shoe
The children were all searching or lost in a crowd
All weeds in a garden...growing vile and foul
Though beauty was sold it never came true
Obsessions and vanity have traveled safe through
Materials and poison and everything lost
have been burned in the fires or lost in the frost
I stand face to mirror tearing my being apart
Winding thoughts of love,pain,god,and art
As the sun sets and the darkness grows
I too shall follow this pattern in tow
Death has a friendly hand and a pretty face
She has given me comfort as I leave this place
The wars have occurred,humanity's lost
Souls have been burnt in the fire or lost in the frost
Day was Life,Night is Death
And the latter has given counsel on my final steps
Blood that screams mixes with tears of fears,
Over your hypocrisy and useless years.
Fresh cuts don't matter - your attentions yet wane.
It's just too easy to shut down, I could end this pain.
But, escape artists aren't artists at all.
When life ends the real journey begins, the journey to be
Above imperfection and glorified weakness everyone sees.
Life trickles into the drain of the sink, wash it and pretend
The veil is burning off,but there is only so much fire can mend
Besides, escape artists aren't artists at all.
there are so many things
i want to tell you
i'm sorry for saying i'm sorry with teary eyes
and raged breath
i want you to know that i regret
walking away, i bet
you are much more happy now
and if you'd let me write
a poetry of you and me
you will only see blanks
that only both of us
If loving you were easy
I'd love you like I should.
I've opened up my heart to you
and tried as best I could.
I don't expect reassurance.
I know some think I'm cold.
I needed your love when I was young.
But now I'm just too old.
I've lived without your guidance.
I've lived without your hugs.
I'm sure you don't remember
a time without your drugs.
You chose the life you're living.
I wished you all the best.
Now it's time to say goodbye
and lay this thing to rest.
If loving you were easy,
I'd love you like I should.
I've opened up my heart to you
and tried as best I could.
Our sins, sweet Jesus,
Forged nails to crucify you
Your divine blood,
Away washed, all humanity’s
© Demetrios Trifiatis
11 MARCH 2015
If ever beckoned by the broken glass
I offer instantly these scarred hands
Embracing sharpest, cruel edges,
most exquisite lines
upon piercing, jagged, penetrating points
brilliant with dancing sunlight
poured out into a universe benign, hard surfaces
warm in crimson puddles of all I was
And know then –
Broken glass does not love back.
I don’t need
His seed inside me
Or his or him, or their
Passion doesn’t ignite
Anything else but hate
I detest clumsy hands all over my body
Tainting what was once
I don’t need kisses to make me happy
Happiness won’t ever make up for what
I had to endure once he was gone
Left me for a weaker woman
Who would let
Over over and over again
I cannot make love without love
Inside this soul of mine
I will not give into pressures of the teenage mind
I refuse to become a product of lust
Misuse of an emotion so strong
That it makes it more then a solitary race
More then a slippery slide of distaste, full, Action
Respect myself and me
I am pure still
After the fact and forever on
Born again in different seeing eyes
More important then the rest
I am re-virginized
I love being young, getting to ride the roller coasters.
The sound, tick, tick, tick, tick-like a heartbeat racing to the top.
Then, surprised even when you know it’s coming, dropped into the abyss.
Something always pulls it down, like gravity.
It’s frustrating, riding something so close to being dead.
So far away but still so close, seating rows.
I hate being so close to, yet so far from the row.
She was in with me on this roller coaster.
Adrenaline rushed my body so fast almost leaving me dead.
The blood flowed so fast emphasizing the highs of the top.
But something keeps pulling me down, gravity.
Here I am again, back in the abyss.
In the ride, weeks of no communication, the beginning of the end, the abyss.
The scariest. My worst fear of my youth. Looking back at the rows,
I see her, with my own image, my heart sinks more. I hate you gravity.
But it’s the only thing that fuels the roller coaster.
Nothing makes me happier than bringing it back to the top.
Let’s hope this isn’t so abrupt, so fast, like the last one, leaving me dead.
How I hope so much, so much hope still not dead.
The heart, the love, the eternal abyss.
Strikes me back with enough momentum to reach the top.
Lines, love, flashing like an old film, with rows.
Showing me a movie, reminding me of, a roller coaster.
The movie explained that the only thing that keeps it going is gravity.
Thank you gravity.
My worries are gone and dead.
Just accept it, and love the roller coaster.
Appreciate the loneliness of the abyss.
The reason you’re here is for the ride, not the rows.
I just want to enjoy the youth and its happy tops.
This coaster, like love has its tops.
But something brings it down like gravity.
Distanced with rows,
Never seeing her again, thinking she’s dead.
But deeper and deeper coming out of the abyss.
The complicated life of the young, the love of roller coasters.
Get on the roller coaster, rise to the top.
Don't worry about the drop to the abyss, It’s because of gravity
That you’re not dead, and I don't care about the rows.