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Limerick Humorous Poems | Limerick Poems About Humorous

These Limerick Humorous poems are examples of Limerick poems about Humorous. These are the best examples of Limerick Humorous poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Dancing Fool

Auntie Matilda is a dancing fool.
She took lessons at a discount dance school.
When she does the hippity hop,
even babies beg her to stop;
but Matilda’s dancing makes old men drool.


Details | Limerick | |

Be Careful what you Hook

  I once heard of a fisher Luciano,
  who sang bass as he played on his piano.
  Once he fished and cast his line
  by mistake hooked his behind
  since that day, when he plays he sings soprano.

  How many syllables.com
  11, 11, 7, 7, 11
  
  11.11.2014
  Sponsor Roy Jerden
  Limericks Clean and Clever 


Details | Limerick | |

ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY

A gent from the South Scottish Isles had terribly painful large piles when he tried to sit down he would grimace and frown soft cushions he hoards in big piles! syllable counter used 'how many syllables' 8,8,6,6,8 11~11~ 2014 poem revised for contest 18~11~14 Contest:Limericks Clean and Clever Sponsor: Roy Jerden


Details | Limerick | |

Tim And His Kelly Green Mustang


I have a friend by the name of Tim, He keeps in shape when frequents the gym. His Kelly green Mustang he drove And smack'd it into a cove. The witches got him and ate one of his limbs! Dorian Petersen aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014


Details | Limerick | |

Vegetarian

There was a young librarian
Who's strictly vegetarian
For her wheat and Kale makes a meal complete
while her beau needs meat to eat
Says she; now that's just barbarian


Details | Limerick | |

SANTA IS COMING

Santa comes but once a year Impotence his greatest fear He fills up his sack Slings it on his back Hope he wont drop his load here Mrs Claus was in great distress She wants sex she does confess Santa saw his GP Saying please help me We need to sort out this mess The doc prescribed some blue pills They cured Santa of his ills Now back in the sack Not flat on their back Now they are getting their thrills 11~22~14 Contest: What’s up with Santa Sponsor Jerry Curtis


Details | Limerick | |

A Sport for Gold Diggers

Sookie said (as she stood at the tee), "Though this golfing is boring to me, the odds can't be beat. Of golfers I meet, for each woman, the males number three!!" *Note: Female golfers number fewer than 23% in this sport. With the many doctors and lawyers that seem to enjoy this activity, I can't help but think it would be a great place for a single lady to meet rich men! For the Golf Limerick Poetry Contest of Craig Cornish


Details | Limerick | |

Ice Cube Pie

I always wanted two slices of ice cube pie
“You only get one”, was the standard reply.
I don’t know why I did
But since I was a kid
It was my favorite treat on the Fourth of July.

The pastry is known by all our relations
Since the recipe’s passed down for generations.
Every bite you’ll savoir
Exceptional flavor
But remember, don’t settle for imitations

Long ago, my great Aunt tried experiments
By leaving out one of the ingredients.
Once Uncle took a bite 
He stared out in fright
And barely survived that bad experience.

My oldest son, Johnny became quite wise
He grew up like the others, before our eyes.
His passion for confection
Was a gainful connection
When he opened the first ice cube pie franchise.

Soon after that, we made our first million
And played in the sun with friendly Brazilians.
But to our surprise
We saw ice cube pies
On bamboo platters next to our pavilion

Right away we knew this was an infraction
Without delay our family took action.
We found a private eye
Who loved our ice pie
But his research left him broken in traction.

It was apparent to us that that kind of job
Was endorsed by the brutal ice cube pie mob.
But we didn’t frown
Or give up and back down
We were going to prevail; oh, yes siree, Bob!

With a meeting of minds we gathered resources
And then undersigned the following courses.
To make sure our ices
Sold at cut-rate prices
To knock competition off its high horses.

So back at the shop we assembled platoons
To build enough pies to reach to the moons.
And made plenty dough
That allowed us to mow
Down the cube racket’s, knuckle dragging goons.

We now manage an ice cube pie monopoly
Sales started smooth, but then turned choppily.
So we eased the frustration
With another vacation
But guess what we saw in downtown Mexicali?!



Details | Limerick | |

Five Great Limerick Guys

Caleb Smith, southern gent so refined, has an interesting, humorous mind. He not only can write, but can farm, fish and fight, and on critters he hunts he has dined! Also clever at limericks is Tim. He does footles for friends on a whim. The bright bulb in his brain comes on time and again. May Tim Ryerson’s light never dim. A third limerick writer, Mike Dailey, has some fifty of them we can see! Though I don’t know him well, by his poems I can tell that a doting grandfather is he. There are oodles of limericks by Jack. Sheer wit our dear Horne does not lack. But his vampire obsession can leave a gal guessin’. . . Am I friends with a maniac? In praise of the Duke I now sing. All his poetry has that cool “ring” - a limerick each one - making Beauford- bar none - The PoetrySoup limerick king! *A SHOUT OUT also to five OTHER great limerick guys: Sean Kelly, Charles Sides, Charles Clive, Harry Horsman, and Robert Hinshaw & Soupers, Let me know of any other limerick guys out there I should know about! For : Sandy Ivy D's Poem of Dedication Contest


Details | Limerick | |

I can only hand it to you

Tapped messages go out direct
With phones it's an easy connect
Thoughts from a finger
In cyberspace linger
But touching's too much to expect


Details | Limerick | |

Bordeaux Rouge

A hot redhead there was from Bordeaux
Did she have the red fire down below?
   When she let her skirt gape
   And the rug matched the drape
It set thirty-five Frenchmen aglow


Details | Limerick | |

The pen versus the sword

The incorrect usage of tense
And phrases of total nonsense
Wipe out brain status
With more apparatus
Than the Department of Defense


Details | Limerick | |

Mary Ann's Age-Old Excuse

Mary Ann had a boyfriend that she 
gave affection and great loyalty.
Since the age of sixteen
no one else had she seen
but she wanted more at thirty-three!

Her boyfriend, of course, had it made
since regularly, he would get laid.
So excuses he gave
when Mary Ann would rave
about marriage. . . and  unwed they stayed.

Getting pregnant was her coup d'etat 
when she said, “You will soon be a pa!”
She said, “Furthermore, Bruce,
I don’t need an excuse.
In my mind we’re a pair - common-law!”


For Black Eyed Susan's Excuses Poetry Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Affirmative Defense

Abel Cade got into a real deep blue funk,
Stumbled upon a road kill and ate the dang skunk,
Was right soon arrested by a passing Smokey,
Who threw his sorry behind in the local pokey.
Abel’s defense: “Don’t pick on me, can’t you see I’m drunk.”


Details | Limerick | |

FEELING HOT HOT HOT

He wanted it hot with lots of spice 
Not sugary sweet and tasting nice 
Oh big boy your a looker  
We had sex on the cooker
I’m so pleased I took your advice

Jan Allison
17th September 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a brave laddie at Lake Loch Ness

Limerick : Once a brave laddie at Lake Loch Ness

    for one who calls no one "Monster"
             when the truth may not be known:
           Domino X

Once a brave laddie at Lake Loch Ness
Kept vigil to catch Monster on lens
He shut eye just for once
Monster jumped in one bounce
Took pic and signed it: Loch Ness Goddess !

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013 


Details | Limerick | |

Kiss Of Fate

While sitting on a hollow log
I was kissed by an ugly frog
It turned into an ugly queen
My oh my, what a hideous scene
I'd rather pull ticks from a dog!


Details | Limerick | |

You can't have one without the other

The concept of gays in a marriage
One side loves and one will disparage
But rule supreme court
And one side must retort
Justice just had a miscarriage


Author's note:  Regardless of the outcome from the supreme court, I happen to favor gay marriage.  There really is no other conclusion since we are a land of equal rights.  We should do all we can to foster a society without discrimination.  The arguments against these rights reveal a lot about certain people of religious persuasion.  It would be comical if it were not so sad.


Details | Limerick | |

Old Bird

A little man from the hills
Would eat anything for thrills
He found an old bird
Inside it's still heard
When he speaks you hear its shrills 


Details | Limerick | |

Once there was Ramsir

Once there was a professor called Ramsir
His knowledge grew lesser and stressor
Understanding grew too small
Wasn’t bashful above all
That’s why he’s a renowned philosopher.

In rounds and circles he’s going a lot
Going back and forth for things he forgot
Gets half way here and there
He becomes quite aware
And his reasons for going round are shot.


                   +++++++
May 19, 2014
Form: Limerick (42+42=84 syllables)
Dr. Ram Mehta
Second Place win
Contest: Birthday and Aging humor by Carolyn Devonshire


Details | Limerick | |

While Close Dancing

On the dance-floor they did a zigzag
But he was an ol’ scallywag:
-	“If you feel something hard
-	Pay no regard …
It’s just my colostomy-bag”


Details | Limerick | |

Witch Bakery

There once was a witch whose pies
Were unique as to flavor and size.
When she opened her ovens
She delighted her covens,
With dozens of old crusty guys.


Details | Limerick | |

APPLES ON OUR ROCK

There once reigned a great king on our Rock
Who dared the West and defied their bloc
Dark shades, face of a frown
Short brute so wanted down
Down, oriental appples on our Rock.


Details | Limerick | |

The Unfortunate Singer

My friend Quigley likes to sing
And really almost any thing.
Though once her high note
Caused a blackbird to float,
Back to earth less one wing.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick Of Love

Shelia is so fine,
She smells like wine,
Or maybe whiskey,
Real cheap whiskey;
But she is so fine.


Details | Limerick | |

Gnarly Balls

Gnarly balls, gnarly balls,
Vladimir Putin’s got gnarly balls.
He wrestles bears
But he’s losing his hair.
Vladimir Putin’s got gnarly balls.


Details | Limerick | |

There's No Place Like Home

Once was a gal who felt so alone
Tornato came up rooted farms home
Landed on wicked  witch
Munchkins came out of ditch
Gave dog lollypops instead of bone  


Details | Limerick | |

Goofy Kangaroo

God had a great sense of humor when He created the large goofy kangaroo.
He gave it donkey ears, a deer’s face, teeny tiny hands and eyes of goo goo.
Then there is the kangaroo’s big honking feet which cause it to hop instead of run.
Don’t forget it’s long humongous tail that looks like the back end of a giant python.
Finally there is the mama kangaroo’s front pouch for the safety of the baby roo.


Details | Limerick | |

Kinky Sex

If having kinky sex was a crime,
A lot of your friends would be doing time.
The president and his cabinet would be too
For what they do daily to me and you.
Politicians may be worth two cents but certainly not a dime.


Details | Limerick | |

The Diet ---

Skin is the best part of a nugget
Kentucky cooling in the bucket
        Slush Puppies to chase
        Forming my dietary base
Worrying about my weight  .....  f(orget) ‘t!

Please see the About section for further notes regarding Limericks.

4 Jan 2013

Please note that this poem was run up in a flash and not accurate in so far as meter is concerned - check the date it was written: I was still recovering from all the work over the festive season... :-) Here follows an update for the purist among you:

Skin is the best part of a nugget
Kentucky now cooling in bucket
        Slush Puppies to chase
        Forms dietary base
Worrying about my weight  .....  f(orget) ‘t!

Written in amphibrachic meter: In other words, how I speak and where the stresses fall naturally for my speach patern. 
Lines 1, 2 and 5: */*; ending with a feminine syllable
Lines 3 and 4: truncated to 5 syllable, ending in masculine syllable: */*l*/
Per my notes in the About section: "In other words, it’s got nine syllables to the long lines and six to the short ones, although it is not uncommon to leave a syllable out." 

FROM A PAGE DEDICATED TO THE CORRECT WRITING OF LIMERICKS:
The classic limerick is an anapestic trimeter of five lines with the rhyming scheme AABBA.
It is possible, although not the classic form, to replace all the anapests with amphibrachs,
but they cannot be mixed.

(The anapest [or anapaest] is a beat of UUS [Unstressed-Unstressed-Stressed] -
not to be confused with a dactyl [SUU] which should not be used in limericks.
The amphibrach is a beat of USU.)

There are three beats in the first, second and fifth lines of a limerick
and two in the third and fourth:-

Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DOM
Diddy-DUM diddy-DUM diddy-DUM

An extra syllable or a syllable fewer may sometimes be tolerated
if all the lines with the same rhyme have the same structure.


Details | Limerick | |

Main-Stream Media Have-A-Heart Trap

Each day foul critters infest our house
Though not by slipping in like a mouse
We just press a button
Or buy a subscription
To get news wrote or spoke by a louse

These creatures of the two legged kind
Try hard each day to persuade our mind
With sly information
That helps the causation
Of the falling apart of mankind

They tout the need for unearned welfare
Claim hard earned profits are so unfair
And granting amnesty
Is a good policy
Plus growing our debt is fine they swear

For those who work hard earning their way
Give what they can and put some away
Are sick of the slackers
Prodded by the backers
Whose aim is using half truths to sway

It’s hard to ignore those talking heads
But it’s not right to tear them to shreds
Yet there’s a solution
And with execution
We can spread liberty in their stead

We’ll put Obama pic’s and golf caps
Along with a taped speech that he yapped
In a human sized crate
Coz it’s time to create
A main stream media Have-A-Heart trap

Like it or not, these traps are humane
But anyways, we’ll have much to gain
So, once we have caught
All those who have brought
Disinformation causing brain drain

We’ll squeeze all of them in through a pipe
Along with politicians who hype
Irrationality
And immorality
Into a sphere of the livable type

In there they can tax to the extreme
And promote their harmful fairness schemes
But when they’re out of dough
They will lip read our NO!
Since their bubble is a sound proof dream!


Details | Limerick | |

Popeye The Sailor Man

There once was a sailor named Popeye
He got through the navy with one eye
Wherever he sailed 
The dames would all hail
They knew Popeye was not a bad guy

Popeye you know had a sweetie
A long legged gal not to meaty
Olive Oyl was her name
Popeye's love was insane
For his love was always entreaty

The trouble you know was called Bluto
A very strong sailor who knew judo
He was after the girl
That made his head twirl
For he felt they made quite a duo

Popeye was not very happy
He spoke to his father name Pappy
Pappy said to him son
Get rid of the bum
You don't want to lose and feel crappy

Popeye was really quite angry
He was really upset and cranky
So he took his old friend
Tied him up in a bend
Walked away a proud and true Yankee


Details | Limerick | |

Big Stud-On-Campus

He was the big stud-on-campus, was Todd,

   Until he was nabbed smokin' somethin' odd!

      Coach booted him from the team.

         Up in smoke went Mommy's dream,

            Of Todd being on a pro-football squad!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Snow Job

Washington is to get a foot of snow!

   That is nothin' new as far as I know.

      I will shed no clamant tears.

         They gave us snow jobs for years!

            Methinks that a pertinent quid pro quo!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Careful What You Wish For

There once was an ambitious man named Eddie,
who wanted a job in the traveling industry.
The genie granted his wish,
but Ed never expected this;
an employer's note saying, "Welcome to the DMV!"


Details | Limerick | |

Dinosaurs

I've searched my 'puter from Adasaurus

   All the way through to Zapalasaurus

      But bless my dear old soul

         The more I search and scroll

            I've yet to find one named a Thesaurus!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c)  All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Twin Brothers

Freddy and Teddy are exactamundo twin brothers.
They are nowhere near as funny as the Smothers.
They take their crass gross comedy act on the road.
All of those in the audience would rather be using the commode.
Most would prefer to have their throats slit if they had their druthers.


Details | Limerick | |

Batman and Robin

Batman and Robin were done!
Out cold, on a road, via stun-gun!
-   ‘long came a truck
-   both of them struck
Now it’s just:  “Flatman” and “Ribbon”


Details | Limerick | |

Just Desserts

Thaddeus Dowdell was a right proper chap,
Who said pip pip, tally ho and the rest of that crap.
He married a young lady just as arrogant as he,
She looked down her nose at rabble such as we.
Thankfully, both were hacked to death by a crazy ninja Jap.


Details | Limerick | |

How To Pick Up A Girl

Make sure you can manage the weight
Remember to keep the back straight
Then lift slow not quick
That should do the trick
You’ve just learned to pick up a date


Details | Limerick | |

A Series of Unfortunate Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards are a posthumous honor, recognizing those who have improved the human gene pool by removing themselves from it by their own foolish actions.

In a robbery way out in Long Beach
Elliot's handgun misfired in the breech
    Down the barrel he took
    A quite scatterbrained look
Then made it not just a figure of speech

There was a foolish fellow named Gary
Who gulped gasoline over near Cary
    The fuel made him gag
    So he fired up a fag
And now smokes in the state mortuary

"Look, no helmet!" Phil proudly decried
In the headgear disobedience ride
    He stood for his rights
    Then put out his lights
When he flew off his Electra Glide

An impatient Korean got miffed
And was ramming the doors of the lift
    Then went a bit daft
    When he got the shaft
But his ride to the bottom was swift

References:
http://jdgroover.wordpress.com/2013/08/20/the-2013-darwin-awards-are-out/
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2012-03.html
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2011-03.html
http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2010.html


Details | Limerick | |

Two Grey Hairs Of Wisdom

I have just two grey hairs in my mustache
That keep growing back,under my nose
Why there's just two
I haven't a clue
Soon to be joined by many more,I suppose

They say grey hair grows with wisdom
But with just two hairs under my nose?
No matter what I do
They keep growing through
The beginning of wisdom for me,I suppose

Two grey hairs I've plucked and cut
From my mustache under my nose
For now there's just two
Soon to be joined by quite a few
A lesson learned in wisdom for me,I suppose



Dan Kearley:2-15-13  


Details | Limerick | |

Insincere Apologies

I apologize profusely that you broke my heart

And I apologize profusely, you decided we should part.

You refused to take the blame

For playing the adultery game

So it must have been my fault that you took up with that tart.




for the humorous side of Barbara Gorelick's "Apology Accepted" contest


Details | Limerick | |

A Stagnant Condition

Joel once made a New Year’s Resolution To put an end to procrastination But half way through the year He found himself waiting there Lost in his stagnant condition ~*~


Details | Limerick | |

Smoke

Go ahead and smoke. That's okay
If you really want to be that way
Just go ahead and smoke - and choke
And maybe then you'll have a stroke
Then no more smoke will be coming my way


Details | Limerick | |

Golf Nut

 On the course it's pouring down rain.

 Anyone would think he's insane.

but a ball in a hole

is his joyful goal.

 I think golf has addled his brain.




for Craig's contest
02/04/2013


Details | Limerick | |

Quite a Worry

There once was a girl named Miss Curry
Whose brows always caused quite a worry.
She went to the spa
To have them waxed raw  
And now they're not nearly so furry.


Entered in Andrea's "Show Me the Funny" contest


Details | Limerick | |

A DRAG QUEEN

A distinguish old gent picked up tricks.
      On Halloween, he went for a treat.
Laughing outlandishly
      He staggered up the street.
Hips swaying g-stringed a drag queen!
__________________________________|
Penned on May 05, 2014.


Details | Limerick | |

The Mole

When he hit the ball onto the green
That was the last time that it was seen
They lifted the pole 
And there in the hole
Was a mole where the ball should have been
© 1/04/2013   ~GG~
Show me The Funny part 2


Details | Limerick | |

April Fool

It always shows up on this day
The surprise that takes breath away
That thing that you did not want
Will come back to you to haunt
And there's really nothing to say!


Details | Limerick | |

True Love

Her hair as red as a flame
Her lips were colored the same
… That Irish Lass
… So full of sass
He’s wonderin’ if she’d take his name?

Her to him: “You’ve got a crust!
With courtin’ and dowry a must …
… in wooin’ I’ll naught
… ever be caught
Afore me name I’d adjust!”

“Oh, wee lassie, please see:
‘T is you - the woman for me
… I’ve 10,000 wells
… of oil I sells
Marry me”, he said on one knee.

“Oh! My!  I see you’re sincere
My name change … it’s drawing near
… ‘bout that oil …
… can’t let it spoil!
Now … what’s my new last name, me dear?


Details | Limerick | |

Robbed

there was once a woman of france
who could put any man in a trance
she'd spin them and twirl them
fill their whiskey to the brim
well drunk they'd fall like a blob
then awake to find they were rob


Details | Limerick | |

While you were out

While you were out I started to think.
I thought so hard that it drove me to drink.
I drank so much that I fell on the floor 
And when I got up I fell through the door. 
I rolled off the porch and into the grass
And onto a nail that stuck in my ass.
I screamed in horror as I ran for the house 
And as I ran in I tripped on a mouse.
As I was flying all up in the air 
I landed atop my wife’s favorite chair.
The chair was now broken and fell to the floor 
at the same moment that she walked through the door. 
When I woke up I was outside my home 
and staring right into the face of a gnome.
So if you ever sit down to think 
don’t ever let it drive you to drink.


Details | Limerick | |

A Backwards Three

A Capital E is a backwards three.
At least that is the way it looks to me.
I could be mistaken.
It’s nothing earth shakin’.
It’s just an observation from little old me.


Details | Limerick | |

The Skateboarder

The Skateboarder
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

A skateboard he tried to ride.
He didn’t there long abide.
It went airborne,
It did not forewarn,
He landed on his under side!


Details | Limerick | |

Animal Magnetism

A pet more exotic I'd wanted.
A pet to be groomed and then flaunted.
Not a dog or a cat -
Something cooler than that!
I began my search feeling undaunted

In a pet store I came on a ferret.
Such a pain he was! How did I bear it?
Under doors and through cracks
He'd escape from me. AAAACH!!
So I traded him in for a parrot.

Well, the parrot just wanted to fly!
And that bird knew more bad words than I.
When he called me a whore,
I threw open the door:
“Now you’re getting your wish, Bird. BYE BYE!

A boa constrictor I bought,
He’d like to be cuddled, I thought,
But he wrapped and he squeezed,
As I gasped and I wheezed,
And offered the rat that I’d caught.
 
A bowl of piranha I won -
I played Baccarat with a nun -
And they wiggled their bums,
So I tickled their tums,
But bones ’stead of fingers aint fun.

My elderly aunt sent a text,
Suggesting tarantulas next,
But my spider alas,
Took a bite of my ass:
My pet-owning hobby is hexed.

I went to the pet shop, I swear,
But nothing I wanted was there -
To my pets I am prey,
So I went on eBay,
And purchased a big teddy bear.


For the "Grab a Partner" Contest. To see
who I collaborated with, read my comment
under the poem.


Details | Limerick | |

Kerplunket

I once played a game called kerplunket
While sticking my head in a bucket
I played it with fools
I didn't know the rules
I just liked the sound kerplunket


Details | Limerick | |

Weekend Away

A young gentlemen named Grant Cragnell
Sought debauchery in Newport Pagnell
He got terribly drunk
Before sharing his bunk
With a midget and a brown cocker spaniel


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy Limerick

A buxom young lady named Mary 
Whose nipples were dreadfully hairy 
Tried waxing and plucking 
When no one was looking                                              
But re-growth was terribly scary 


5th May 2014

Written especially for Roy Jerden’s
Bawdy Bawdy Bawdy Misss Clawdy Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once an upset farmer in Xin Jia Po

Limerick: Once an upset farmer in Xin Jia Po

Once an upset farmer in Xin Jia Po*
Built farms upwards in tiers: O! Vertigo!
Produce diminishing
UFOs pilfering
Now he sows wild oats in Infierno!

•	Chinese for Singapore
© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

My Old Bucket

I lost my old bucket so sadly,
And felt oh so terribly badly;
Then lo and behold
A pot full of gold!
I'd lose me another and gladly.


Details | Limerick | |

A Good Wife Is Hard To Find



When worked up and yelling a sight to behold She was an expert on the art of the scold But she was good in bed And kept him well fed And he was quite deaf if the truth be told


Details | Limerick | |

New Year's Resolution - 2012

A New Year’s resolution I made After drinking some spiked lemonade To someone I swore Not to drink anymore - How quickly that promise did fade! (HIC} Written By John Posey 12/30/12


Details | Limerick | |

Phantom of the Golfers

The green was bespeckled with putters
Till 'long came a singer, Miss Sutters
She started to sing
The golfers did swing
And now, poor Miss Sutters, she stutters




Entered in contest "Old or New in Five or Less." Placing: first. 
Catagory: Humorous, Old Poem


Details | Limerick | |

Victoria's Secret

With terrain and angles galore
Nature has objects to adore
But what is this glitch?
A non-working bra hitch
Hides the peaks we want to explore


Details | Limerick | |

Girl and Cell Phone

Girl and Cell Phone
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

The phone was stuck to her ear.
Everyone she wanted to hear.
Every moment thus consumed,
Her life not resumed,
Sad life – it doth appear!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Little Girl and her Sister

Limerick : Once a Little Girl and her Sister

Once a little girl and her sister
Went out for a walk in a bluster
Little girl lost her way
Big sister blew away
With a Mister who wore a whisker. 

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

It's a Circus Out There

Love My new lil’ Fiat, When I park, crowds gather about I’d be so much more proud If they didn’t yell so loud “Hey mister, When are the clowns Gonna’ climb out!”


Details | Limerick | |

Daydreaming at the Pizzeria

She said it so matter-o-factly,
that girl, Morgan Kay Ackley.
"One day it will be so
I'll be rolling in the dough!"
But being a pizza maker what do you mean exactly?



NOTE: This was another funny story at work. Not exactly my joke, but I turned into a limerick for laughter's sake. A girl was telling me about how she's be famous one day... how she'll be "rolling in the dough"... and I was like, "aren't you doing that already?"... Ooohh good times they were... good times.


Details | Limerick | |

A Horse-A Horse: My Kingdom For A Horse

A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!

Wast penned by The Bard of Avon of course!

Richard's steed Surrey lay dead

Slain by a crossbow 'tis said

Dick pled for another 'til he was hoarse!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved

(Not for the contest)


Details | Limerick | |

The Hunt

In grammar school the boys had fun
Even though not one had a gun
They'd stalk a girl
Trying to shoot squirrel
But not one ever even saw one


Details | Limerick | |

The Rabbit and The Mole

Hipperity hipperity hop
bunny so full he could pop  
squeezes down his hole
bumping into mole
who gave his ear a sound wop


Details | Limerick | |

Oh Well

Bill stared at a cute butt going by.
Wishing he were much bolder, he sighed,
"I would give all my pay
To roll that in the hay."
But looked up to see 'she' was a guy.


Details | Limerick | |

The Loathsome Bard

He stands before us
to deliver 
a poem,a prose,a
verse a 
rhyme or message.

His manner quite
manifesting,
and his confidence 
puts the crowd at
ease. 
Soon and very soon,
too soon- we loath
him.               

There is
to much cluster on
his grandiloquent
vine,of strung
together 
words without
substance.

Tho the use of
an,apophasis 
gives poetic license
to insult. 
we loathe him
instantly.

The silver-tongued
orator's
brilliance,soon
becomes wearisome.
While the mute
articulate points of

his eccentric
ramblings leads us
to dead ends. 

Unfulfilled and
burdened.
We now loath him.
 
The loathsome Bard 
goes on to rant
about,degrading 
and dissolute issues
of life,which we
felt the
Bard had not 
concern about.
           
His bombast
delivery,
to some appears
eloquent,
grand-stand
language,bellowed
out quite
grandiloquent.

Wordy vagaries,
leading us nowhere.
As we listen to the
FANFARONADE  
of his charades,we
loathe him.
 
Tho quite colorful
and pompous,he leave
us in 
shambles, brains all
scrambled and we
loathe
him.

The once brilliant
verse, though 
well rehearsed, is
wearisome.! 

The Bard,went not in
hard;
We the
discombobulated
pray aloud"next poet

please Lord"

We all were relieved
as he finally did
leave,
because he looked 
better going than
coming; 

With our intellect
he was toying, 
tho the Bard was not
hard ....!!!!
Most certainly; He
was annoying !


Details | Limerick | |

There Goes Ethan

One day on the trampoline, my nephew, aiming for the tree,
overshot his leap and jumped as far as the eye can see.
If you squint hard enough
you'll see it in the buff;
a minuscule dot orbiting the galaxy!



NOTE: My nephew Ethan is one of those kids where it's not enough to say he's skinny (if he inhaled enough helium I wonder the possibilities of him floating away).


Details | Limerick | |

On The Pot

Johnnie Kenner was sitting on the pot.
He was constipated and getting very hot.
Johnnie got frustrated and began to yell and shout.
His mom gave him some laxative to force the feces out.
All heck broke loose and Johnnie overflowed the pot.


Details | Limerick | |

The young man from Dover

There was a young man lived in Dover
And he was the son of a rover
He fell into the sea
Cause clumsy was he
A shark came and it was all over.


Details | Limerick | |

Cool Tool

He was sitting calmly by the swimming pool.
He was looking real good and feeling cool.
A great looking redhead showed up in a skimpy bikini.
He started up a conversation trying to get the real skinny.
He was hoping that she wouldn’t realize he was a lecherous tool.


Details | Limerick | |

Clyde The Tailor

There was once a village tailor named Clyde

   Who was known for his misfits though he tried.

      He altered trousers for Mort.
 
         Mort said, "The inseam's too short!"

            My! My!  Mort, how you have grown!" Clyde replied!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
Copyright (All Rights Reserved)


Details | Limerick | |

Save me now

Green leprechauns already know
There's zilch at ends of a rainbow 
So to own and hold
Pots of silver and gold   
Is the way to have lots of dough

Author's note: The color of leprechauns is significant here!


Details | Limerick | |

Obese Mackian

There once was a man from Mac,
who was loving, but oh so fat.
When he ate so much,
he fell off his crutch,
he found that his food didn't love back!



NOTE: This was actually the first limerick I ever wrote. Not a favorite, but I still enjoy it... I like how with the limerick I have a great excuse to come up with complete non-sense. Like a fictional town named Mac who's inhabitants are called "Mackians".


Details | Limerick | |

Nutcracker limerick

Nutcracker ballet tickets for fun
Elegantly floating on air and sun
A great fall off the wall
Wife has a vice tis strife
Nutcracker career, hubby done!


Details | Limerick | |

In A While Crocodile



Been writing Limericks in the last while In my own inimitable quite naughty style Hope I get by those censors Nothing gained, nothing ventured Might be singing “in a while crocodile” © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Resolution Bittersweet

I ate to many sweets this past year.
My sweet tooth is the culprit I fear.
Stopping my sweet treats,
Will be bittersweet .
Resolution this year is unclear.

Pull my sweet tooth is what I will do.
Which one will I pull, have I a clue?
It is my mindset,
I need to except,
To limit all my sugary chews.



For Gwendolen's contest, "Limerick in My Pocket"


Details | Limerick | |

there once was

there once was...

there once was a rooster from Nantucket
with vocal stylin's, it only could cluck it
it cocked and it crowed
strutin' loud 'round abode
'til the farmer's wife's axe did awestruck it

© Goode Guy 2013-01-28


Details | Limerick | |

Lipstick

“Be this lipstick on your collar, McNeer?”,
The question inside him struck fear
  - But, a lie he’d not tell
  - “ ‘T was ye sister, Belle …”
Funerals' tomorrow I hear.


Details | Limerick | |

Jack and Jill

An old gal known to us all as Jill
Who lived in an old house on a hill
Going out for a stroll
Ended up in a roll
With jack at the bottom of the still



Written:  June 2nd, 2014

For Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Walt

There once was a man named Walt
Who was more than worth his salt
But when trouble came
He got all the blame
Even though he was not at fault


Details | Limerick | |

It Hurts Too Much To Cry

'Tis tax time again much to my chagrin!

   I await that like a kick on the shin.

      Again they'll drain me dry

         It just wants to make me cry!

            Guess I'll just have to bear it and grin!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Silly Woman

There was a silly woman from Detroit Who at everything was adroit She couldn't ev'n boil an egg She just kept them in a keg And then she threw them like a quoit. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.21.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Flightless Birds

Says the ostrich to the emu with sigh,

   "We have a pair of wings yet cannot fly!

      I guess its just our bad luck

         That we can't cruise like a duck.

            Why have these things?  I'll ever ponder why!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Zoommm

Decided I'd buy a new car
With some money I got from my Ma
So I found an MG
(always wanted one, see)
Now have to drive home from afar


Details | Limerick | |

Valentine's Day Sweets

A tongue with good luck is embraced
By a honeyed candy-like taste
This holiday treat
Is a fabulous eat
And lies under silk lingerie laced


Details | Limerick | |

Elephants - two limericks

 
1.
An irascibelephant whom no-one could trust
Had a whim to run amok, or bust!
Though roundly condemned by his peers as a skunk,
From interception they’d cowardly shrunk,
Saying simply, “Old boy, if you musth, then you musth!”
 
 
2. Elephants have as  a favourite pursuit
A fondness for tasty  doum palm fruit,
Though when of this delight they are sated,
The tuskers can become quite inebriated,
And stagger home in enormous wobbly-boots! 


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Prince from the Kingdom Toikey

Limerick:  Once a Prince from the Kingdom Toikey

Once a Prince from the Kingdom Toikey
Insisted on being wed by his turnkey
But his you may know not
Got stuck in a chamber pot
That’s how the Queen got wed by her lackey.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

T Woods

There was once a golfer named T. Woods
In bedrooms of many he had stood
A birdy from far
An eagle on par
But his great nine iron best understood

03/28/13


Details | Limerick | |

Shady Lady

There once was a pant-less lady
she sure was rather shady
now spied by two grandee's
they pulled down their braces
and gave her lots of brandy
making this lady so bawdy


for David and Debbie


Details | Limerick | |

The gun and god combo

"The peacemaker" is Glock's new gun
Its spent rounds are rapture and fun
Yes killing's a thrill
Since I'm mentally ill 
And need to own more than just one

A gun for me is like prozac
The bullets clipped pills in a stack
I'm not paranoid
But have weapons deployed
In case I should have an attack


Details | Limerick | |

With A Brain

There once was a Russian with a brain.
Yes, a Russian who was not insane.
He never in his life told a lie.
In sixteen twenty two he did die.
The last Russian who was not a pain.


Details | Limerick | |

Repetition

History repeats itself.
History repeats itself.
Did I say that?
Did I say that?
History repeats itself.   


Details | Limerick | |

Frankly Speaking

In hopes of gaining a heap of knowledge,

   Frank had blown a ton of dough for college!

      But to be perfectly frank,

         He'd have more bucks in the bank,

            If he was a plumber, he'd acknowledge!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Huntin' Fool

Buddy Ray George is a huntin’ fool,
Come opening day he goes and skips school;
He went out and shot a possum in the ass,
Then and there the doggone thing started passing gas,
But then again, it could also have been bloody stool.


Details | Limerick | |

Mountain Man

Jackson LeGrand is a big hardy mountain man.
He eats rocks for breakfast and pisses out sand.
He has outfoxed foxes and outrun deer.
Each Sunday he drinks his weight in beer.
He even has the nerve to eat spam straight from the can.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once an Airman who couldn't stand his wife

Limerick : Once an Airman who couldn’t stand his wife

Once an Airman who couldn’t stand his wife
Was going out of his mind with strife
Took to the clouds with spouse
Called her names like : »Leech ! Louse ! »
Then jumped out plane to sentence for life.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013.


Details | Limerick | |

Mr Bowman

There was a young man named John Bowman
Who was renowned as a bit of a showman
He practiced Yoga
Dressed in a toga
Convinced that he was a real Roman


Details | Limerick | |

Coach, Coached

Working in physical education Blond teacher had a realisation Spotting a young boy alone Standing all on his own Her curiosity, frustration Young man, why are you all on your own To the others, why are you disowned Well, I'm not the teams sweeper I'm their bloody goalkeeper Please Miss Coach, it's time you went home <*>


Details | Limerick | |

On A Recliner



In my days as a graphic designer My life could not have been finer I drew pretty models Then put on my goggles And made love to them on my recliner © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Godzilla

 
 


There once was a woman named Camilla, She wanted a castle but not a villa, So she got a prince, But he started to wince, When she started to look more like Godzilla.
Poetry contest: monsters and Marvels Date: 10.08.14 Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi


Details | Limerick | |

I Call Him BoJo

I met a young fellow not that long ago.
His name was Bocephus but he told me to call him Bo.
He could sing a real great country song.
I could sit and listen to him sing all day long.
I named my new hound dog after him, I call him BoJo.


Details | Limerick | |

A Girl Named Rose

There was a young lady named Rose
Who lit her a fire when the wind blows.
Her house went to flame,
Firemen had came,
When she played with the fireman's hose.


06-19-2014


Details | Limerick | |

Batman And Robin

(Limerick)


Batman and Robin hit the Joker
But their blow was only a croaker
The Joker hit back
But instead hit Jack
Who said "I'm glad, the Joker's an smoker!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright@2014


09.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a bold billionaire from Ma-Lays-She-Ah

Limerick: Once a bold billionaire from Ma-Lays-She-Ah

Once a bold billionaire from Ma-Lays-She-Ah*
Bought up politicos to militia
They put his money to work
Called him a right proper jerk
Now he pulls rickshaws barefoot in absentia.

•	Read also as: “Ma-Lays-He-Ah”

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Revolving Resolution

Written by Gail DeBole

Zelma Zotz's new year's contribution
Is to think of a definite solution
   To avoid making a plan
   (which she really can't stand)
For yet another new year's resolution!


Gail's Note:  You can find some historical information about the history of the new year's resolution at http://www.examiner.com/article/history-of-new-year-s-resolutions.


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy Limerick II

Her lady garden needed a mowing
His love juices were readily flowing 
He made it his mission
To get in position
Now his seed he is happily sowing

Written for Roy Jerden's bawdy Limerick II Contest
19th June 2014


Details | Limerick | |

If You Insist

I ran into the room, said, "Do I smell bacon?",
but couldn't decipher the smirk Jim was making.
"Sure, if that's what you wanna call it!
Hey, why not stuff your gullet?",
and like a true American I was taken.


Details | Limerick | |

One Titty

There is a girl living in the city;
She was born with just one titty.
Her one tit is really big,
It kinda looks like a pig.
She’s free and proud and seeks no pity.


Details | Limerick | |

Sonnet Sorrows and Tanka Blankas

Can’t write me a good sonnet
It’s a bee in my bonnet
The words will NOT rhyme
It is such a crime
Others have gone and done it!

Piece of pie with the quatrains
Them beauties tickle my brains
I just cannot stop
The words they just pop
But dang sonnets sure are pains!

It’s clear that I’m no Shakespeare
But I try, now what’s the fear?
Might fall on my face
And be a disgrace
A laugh for many a peer!

And then there is the tanka
Help me, or I’ll just spank ya
Keep wanting to rhyme
I get stuck each time
Praise me, and I will thank ya!

Don’t let me start on haiku
I try with so much ado
That blasted third line
Just won’t turn out fine
You’re laughing now, aren't you?

For Andrea's Contest
Show me the Funny (Part II)


Details | Limerick | |

Hair Nose Perm

There once was a man from somewhere
Who had trouble with his nose hair
So he gave them a perm
With a wiggle and squirm
And won second prize at the fair


Details | Limerick | |

Circus Freak

His name is Gustavo Enrique Armand.
He’s big and burly but can still do a handstand.
He spent most of his adult life working for a circus,
Until the bearded lady kicked his big burly tuckus.
When he gets higher than a kite he dances a mean Can-Can.


Details | Limerick | |

IQ of a Grape

From prison he tried to escape
But, had the IQ of a grape
… His rocket (mis-wired)
… Quickly backfired
Now he’s all over the landscape


Details | Limerick | |

Uh Oh

Jimmy Joe Cosgrove went out to ski,
While skiing he had to pee,
He tried to slow down,
But he skis like a clown,
And slammed smack dab into a tree.


Details | Limerick | |

Portrait of Mr F Shui

Written by Gail DeBole on February 4, 2013

A man with the name of Feng Shui
Arranged his life in a Qi-loving way.
Full of sweet harmony,
And life planned to a “T”,
Bad Karma didn’t “stand” in his way!


Note: Part of the Portrait Collection


Details | Limerick | |

Free Gas

The salesman offered free gas for a year,

   If Gus would buy a brand new Buccaneer!

      Gus exclaimed, "Is this for real?"

         Wifie said, "Forget the deal!

            You are full of gas already, my dear!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Hey, Throw Me Somethin', Mister

"Hey, throw me somethin', mister!"
Sometimes got you a blister
Right in the hand
Like it was planned!
(How else could you have kissed her?)


Details | Limerick | |

One Resolution

I had resolved one year,
To never again have a fear
But I feared sitting down,
So I walked all around
And that's how I ended up here.


Details | Limerick | |

Jolly Wally

Wally Johns was a very jolly fella.
He slipped into a very fancy gala.
Immediately Wally lit up a smoke.
Then he told an insensitive tasteless joke.
Now Wally Johns is a sad toothless fella.


Details | Limerick | |

Things Ain't Right in OZ

In Oz most things had a glitch:
Like bricks from red to yellow did switch;
 - Monkey things
 - with flyin’ wings;
And ...  the water’s bad – ask the witch!


Details | Limerick | |

Mantuffit

I went to the land of Mantuffit
Where their motto is "can you bring it?"
All the guys were really buff
Yet I wasn't very tough
Still they couldn't toss me out of Mantuffit 

I don't really know the answer
Perhaps it's because I'm a writer
I have the sting of bee
My words pack a punch like Ali
Like him light on my feet like a dancer


So I guess in the end I brought it
I mesmerized them with a sonnet
I brought them all to tears
They all cried in their Beers
In the end there was no more Mantuffit

Any New Limerick contest
Sponsored by Black Eyed Susan


Details | Limerick | |

In The Club House

There was an old man named Andy Cap
who was a golf loving kind of chap
forgot to tee off
his partner did scoff
when the bar maid remained on his lap.

© Harry J Horsman 2013   


Details | Limerick | |

Golf Limerick

The was a young golfer whose mother
Constantly around him would flutter.
All over each green,
Her antics were seen,
Until he thumped her with his putter!

2 April 2013.


Details | Limerick | |

Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not

‘t was on a rainy day in Camelot
A knight saw a maid he liked a lot
Before he paid heed
He remembered, indeed
Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not

The maid, it seemed, had almost forgot
The words of her mother, whose name was Dot
For marital bliss
Remember just this 
Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not

The knight with the maid was quite besot
And after a time they tied the knot
She never did scold
He did not grow old
Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not

The end of this tale may surprise a lot
Because heaven is not the place he got
 Words one day you may recall
Some, but certainly not all
Husbands are in heaven whose wives scold not


Details | Limerick | |

Lucy's Goosey

There once was a gal named Lucy,
Who had a beloved pet goosey.
The goose learned to fly,
Which made Lucy cry,
Now there's no more Lucy's goosey.


8/24/13
For Blackeyed Susan's limerick contest


Details | Limerick | |

Uglies In Love

Freda Cheda was a skank.
Her whole dang body stank.
Frank “Fugly” Ugly loved her anyway.
He thought about her night and day.
They got married and it was quite rank.


Details | Limerick | |

Hail to the Dragon Slayer

Hail to the Dragon Slayer?
From Metro-Goldwyn Mayer?
What did he really do?
Except charge me and you
To joust another player!


Details | Limerick | |

Watching Paint Dry

The new paint on the walls just will not dry
I watched it and wanted to cry
They say that it’s boring
It soon had me snoring
But to stay awake I really did try

© 15/07/2013


Details | Limerick | |

Girl in the French Quarter

Dere once was a goil in da Quawta
Who never did do what she oughtta.
She stripped down one night
--Dat was really a sight--
Till NOPD come and caughtta!


Details | Limerick | |

Wacko Wally

Wacko Wally says he will be a MC.
He claims that someday he will be on TV.
He practices in the park.
He drones on well after dark.
His public nuisance arrests now number three.


11-11-2014


Details | Limerick | |

The Hookie, Cookie, Rookie

The Hooky, Cookie, Rookie
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

They say his nick-name is “Cookie.”
From school he’d often play hooky.
He was no fool,
Was actually quite cool,
It is evident he was no rookie.


Details | Limerick | |

Replacement Teacher

There once was a teacher from Crete
Whose foot size was very petite.
But her students did plot
And to high school they brought,
Some shoes for oversize feet.


Details | Limerick | |

The Town Drunk

The town drunk felt a dire need to wee-wee!

     In the park he found a sycamore tree.

          As the cops led him away,

               The old souse was heard to say,

                    "Where e'er you be, let yer water flow free!" 

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Charlie Horse

There once was a feller named Charlie Horse,

   Who was unmercifully teased of course.

      But he took it all in stride,

         With a modicum of pride,

            Damning his zany name 'til he was hoarse!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Vacation Disaster

We arrived at the airport quite late
My passport was months out of date
My husband was snappy
The baby filled its nappy
I just stood there and got quite irate

The pilot had been on the pop
On the runway he couldn't stop
He just missed a tree
Stopped off for a pee
Now his career is facing the chop

Our hotel was two star not four
Cockroaches crawled on the floor
We got a terrible fright 
In the middle of the night
A tornado blew off our door

Written for Vacation Humor Contest Sponsored By Carolyn Devonshire
07~23~14


Details | Limerick | |

The Superb Comment

I recall a superb comment when

I first posted a poem here, but then

what dismay! I could see

beneath most poetry

that same comment again and again!


For the Comments Poetry Contest of Jack Horne


Details | Limerick | |

Louie Is A Real Nut

Louie is a real nut.
It’s like he’s always talking out of his butt.
No one likes crazy Louie.
He’s more than a little screwy.
He is the human version of a mangy mutt.


Details | Limerick | |

Sweet Or Salty

She loved sweet nothings whispered in her ear.

   Her guy used salty slang when filled with beer.

      "A lady I am!" she said.

         "Clean up your act or drop dead!"

            He's slept 'neath the sod for nearly a year!


Details | Limerick | |

A Sly Teaser

At a time inconvenient it teases,
As it comes whensoever it pleases.
Creeping ever so sly,
It will make you yell, "Why?!"
And the thing that I speak of is sneezes.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once Hillbilly Bumpkin came to town

Limerick : Once Hillbilly Bumpkin came to town

Once Hillbilly Bumpkin came to town
Citizens mocked this no-make-up clown
She hitched ride on red bus
To Piqued-Silly-Circus
And there let drop (her) feathered eiderdown.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a fidgety Lady from Greenwich

Limerick: Once a fidgety Lady from Greenwich

Once a fidgety Lady from Greenwich
Who couldn’t tell the time from a witch
Asked Big Ben the long hand
Why slower than short  hand
Since at Westm’nster serves as a switch.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 201


Details | Limerick | |

HALLOWEEN HOWLERS

My costume makes me look fat And I lost my witches hat I can’t find my broom It’s not in the room Now where’s my lucky black cat An unfortunate man named Keith Mislaid his set of false teeth Tried apple bobbing His jaw was throbbing Poor guy can’t get no relief I love eating pumpkin pie My tum is big its no lie I pick up my spoon Then I start to swoon Feel sick and I want to die Jan Allison 11th October 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Plenty more fish

This Valentine's Day I shall send
To my boyfriend so not to offend.
Even though I am fond,
If he does not respond,
No worries. He's got a best friend.


Details | Limerick | |

Bubba's Club

There once was a fine hacker named Bub
who whacked what he hacked with a wood club
each whack a divot
his hips wouldn't pivot
you should see what he did to the shrubs!


Details | Limerick | |

Benny Grunch and The Bunch

A man once known as Benny Grunch
One day led all his yatty bunch
From rehearsal to a lunch
That ended up in a crunch
When they rattled a bowl of punch

The other guests did laugh and stare
And acted like they didn't care
If Benny and his bunch
Had their grungy lunch
And put on their yatty air

But in the end the chef did send
Them all crawling around the bend
Thus they never went back
To that old seafood shack
And would never again recommend


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy

There once was a lass that was bawdy
Suffice just to say she was naughty
When the time came to flirt
She would lift up her skirt
That showed a sign that said $Three Forty

Contest May 25, 2014



Details | Limerick | |

Weird Hair

Weird Hair
Dr. James E. Martin
©March, 2014

Her hair was quite a sight.
It caused in some much fright.
It was pink and green,
Like you’ve never seen,
It was way beyond a delight!


Details | Limerick | |

WHAT A GREAT PAIR

A well endowed young lady from Waring At her assets men were always staring What a magnificent rack Like two bald heads in a sack Wearing low tops really was daring Jan Allison 13th November 2014 Sadly NOT for contest!


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Rats

New York City is overrun by rats!

   And is driving the poor citizens bats.

      Guv'mint will botch extinction.

         They ne'er act with distinction.

            I'd suggest they bring in legions of cats!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

There was a young lady from Peel

A voluptuous young lady from Peel
Her huge breasts she would try to conceal
So she wore baggy tops
When she went to the shops
But folks stared and asked are they real?


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Time-Keeper at race Marathon

Limerick : Once a Time-Keeper at race Marathon

Once (a) Time-Keeper at race Marathon
Decided to keep time on the run
He kept looking at watch
Runners forgot to watch
Ended up in Tower of London.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


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Dennis The Menace

Dennis the Menace is his Mother's bane!

   He drives his neighbor George Wilson insane!

      A saint

         He ain't

            But he's a loveable imp though a pain!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

I'll Think of a Title Later

For me its always a great debate,
getting things done just moments short of late.
I'd say something witty
at the end of this ditty,
but like I said I procrastinate.


Details | Limerick | |

In Praise Of Corduroy

Anyone can wear corduroy,
Whether you are a girl or boy.
It’s a fabric woven well.
Heading for heaven or going to hell;
Spend eternity all comfy in corduroy.


Details | Limerick | |

NOTHING IS AS IT SEEMS

What is this, a friendly ghost
Casper was nicer than most
He had a show 
It had to go
No one liked a friendly ghost

We want a dark ghost that's mean
Terrible fright makes us scream
Boo with a bite
Unending night
Where nothing is as it seems

Contest: Kelly's "Ghost"
Date: 10-27-14


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Limerick: Once a Lady-in-Waiting in London

Limerick: Once a Lady-in-Waiting in London

Once (a) Lady-in-Waiting in London
Was kept waiting by a Spanish Don
She stood with one leg up
And called busy Don up
That’s how (the) cramp in the fun got undone.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


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The Prude



There once was an old dude, quite a prude Never drank never smoked up, never crude Till one fine day A girlie did play With his hoo ha, sure changed the old dude's mood! © Jack Ellison 2013


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A Patient and A Nurse

I'm hospitalized and there was a nurse named Jane
She said I need plenty of sleep for my health attain
She took samples of my urine and then replaced the infusion
She gave me my medicine and always checked on my condition
And every time I tried to sleep, her present made me awake again!




Details | Limerick | |

Beverly

There once was a girl named Beverly
Who was endowed so very heavily
With a gorgeous rack
That brought you right back
To where she had wanted you to be


Details | Limerick | |

The God and The Man

A man awaiting the God’s judgement
God said, “You’re evil but no atonement”
“So am I”, the man said
“Will send to hell”, the God said
“I lived in hell, can’t repeat punishment”

The God thought for a while and announced
“I will send you to heaven instead”
“You can’t do that” the man said
“Why can’t I? the God asked
“ Never, in no way it can be envisioned"

                   +++
September 20,2014.
Form Limerick
Dr. Ram Mehta
Contest" No. 13 by P.D.


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Janet

There once was a girl named Janet
Who went everywhere on the planet
She danced in France
And then, by chance
Ended up on top of the granite


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A Dog Named Harry

A hairy thing once roamed our streets
That chased cats for sport and treats.
But it roamed too far
And a dog catcher and car,
Grabbed Harry and chained his feets.


Details | Limerick | |

Shower

Sandra Bullock did overpower
Chelsea Handler in her shower
And as she slapped poor Handler
She really was a man handler
But that just made Chelsea glower


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Tone it down to ''at least for the duration''

Time does our earth presence sever
But the post office is clever  
And offers for sale
For its eternal mail  
A stamp that is good forever


Author's note: The idea that anything associated with this planet will be consumed "forever" is peculiar and laughable.  It is also destructive in that business holds the truth in shadows.


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Idea For The Bard

I travelled to Stratford today
(Crossed  the Avon on the way)
In search of The Bard
To give him my card
As I'd had an idea for a play


Details | Limerick | |

Crocodile Kentucky

The skin is the best part of a nugget
Croc Kentucky now cooling in bucket
   It tastes like chicken stew
   Chase it down with home brew
I should worry about my weight?  F(orget) ‘t!

___________________________________________________________________
Author's Notes:
I used slant rhymes “nugget” & “bucket” as there is no perfect rhyme for “bucket” - and in true Limerick style, it "rhymes" with the end of line 5 ;-)

BTW Crocodile meat tastes like chicken - I have eaten it :-)

In anapest trimeter:  **/**/**/ = lines 1, 2 & 5 (I added an additional feminine syllable at the end of the lines)
                     **/**/ = lines 3 & 4
___________________________________________________________________


Details | Limerick | |

Doctor Bills

I awaited, from my Doctor Quills,
A prescription for medicinal pills
  -  the pills were applied
  -  but I about died
When I had received his pill bills!


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Hey Diddle Diddle



Hey diddle diddle who wants to diddle Or maybe play a tune on my fiddle I may be quite old But my body's not cold Though I may need to stop for a piddle © Jack Ellison 2013


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Naked Ramblers Association Limerick

There once was a poet named Jan
Who was looking to find a new man
Joined the Naked Ramblers Association
With little or no hesitation
Now I’m swinging as much as I can

Jan Allison
20th March 2014

Written as challenged by Darren Watson to join the ‘Naked Ramblers Society’
Please read my Blog about my poem ‘Tonight I’ve been swinging for the very first time'.


Details | Limerick | |

36 left, 12 right, 41 left

To grab all seems some are inclined 
Their trespass could be unconfined
So passwords and keys
Though designed for my ease
Have got me all locked in a bind


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Baby found in a bucket

Limerick : Once a Baby found in a bucket

Once a Baby found in a bucket
Grew up to be tough as a biscuit
She took a desert trip
Sahara took a flip
(Some people take her/me for a nitwit)
That’s why biscuits taste sandy when bit.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


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Limerick: Once a mincing Mrs from Mississippi

Limerick: Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi

Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi*
Went to a bank for a fiddle-d-dee
But her girdle got stuck
And the “SS” came unstuck
That’s why Missis ends as a double P..

*No aspersions cast on Mississippians here;
the term refers to the Paleozoic era in North America,
following the Devonian and preceding the Pennsylvanian, 
of course.

© T. Wignesan  - Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Ann

There once was a girl named Ann
Who had a plan to get a man
For a while it was wild
Till he learned of her child
And that was the end of that plan


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Roundsman signed a round robin

Limerick : Once a Roundsman signed a round robin

Once a Roundsman signed a round robin
To keep his men from a certain inn
Men called to tell his wife :
At inn he danced to fife
So the wife played high fife with the men*.

•	Pronounced as in England : « min ».

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


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Deadly Shoe

There was a charming prince searching for a bride
He wants Cinderella to be his future wife
She rushed home before midnight and the prince goes for a tag
But he stumbled on her shoe and the stairs broke his head
And poor Cinderella must clean the chimney for life




For "Show me the Funny contest" 
by Andrea Dietrich


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Lord from the Kingdom of Dunkey

Once a Lord from the Kingdom of Dunkey
Who wasn't quite descended from the monkey
Didn't quite see he was a mule
On account of a royal rule
That anything on back must be flunkey

(c) T. Wignesan - Paris, 2012


Details | Limerick | |

Vexations

There are many things to which I'm averse

   I know the Commandment says not to curse

      So to stifle my tongue

         From bad words bein' flung

            I'll fix vexations flingin' rocks at a hearse!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Quickly Spent

There once was a poor man from Kent
So many "ladies" used his coin when He spent
Though not in the way of a true mans intent
more like the speed of the seed that He sent
So quickly He came to a concluding dismay
it was barely a coital event


Details | Limerick | |

Nine One One Call

Whoa! Whoa! Slow down a bit girly.
You are starting to sound a little squirrelly.
You say you saw a ghost?
And he looked like a TV game show host?
The best description you can give is that he’s big, white and burly! 


Details | Limerick | |

A Lady From France



There once was a lady from France Who always went around with no pants So popular was she Started charging a fee Each time she went pee in her plants © Jack Ellison 2013


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Limerick: Once a fierce Samurai from Xi Ban Guo

Limerick: Once a fierce Samurai from Xi Ban Guo

Once a fierce Samurai from Xi Ban Guo
Displayed his sword-play in a tornado
But his sword slipped hands
And entered his ampersands*
So now he limps about incognito.

•	In fact, I really mean: §

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


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Limerick: Once a measly Miser in Mumbai

Limerick: Once a measly Miser in Mumbai

Once a measly Miser in Mumbai
Liked watching dancing girls on the sly
He went to Bolly-Wood
Though he felt jolly good
His loot sucked by Bombay Ducks well nigh.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


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Limerick: Once a Baron born near Basingstoke

Limerick: Once a Baron born near Basingstoke

Once a Baron born near Basingstoke
Dreaded being made (the) butt of a joke
Yet he built his castle
Shaped as a sharp whistle
Winds coursed through laughing like Marma-Duke.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Midnight Lover

He pocketed the ring and sidled over
Temptation too much for this old rover
     When kissing wife “goodnight”
     Cold sweat beading and fright
Realising band lost at midnight lover


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once an-Other Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Limerick: Once an-Other Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Once an’ Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne
Slipped tongue into a Black Hole’s butt end
She came out Parallel
In multi-Verse pell-mell
Now she reads sweN at aeS (Ace) ennA-N*.

•	For the general knowledge of readers of this limerick, humble clarifications are offered here. The capital letters: A, H, I, M, N, O, T, U, V, W, X, and Y are used without any visible change in the alphabet of our own Parallel Universe where – as everybody knows – Time regresses from Future to Past, i.e., e.g. say, from being “well-satiated” to being “hungry” and back forth. Here, even though “N” is written as “N”, the pronunciation is unwaveringly: “nE”. For more detailed explanations regarding the rules of prosody in our Parallel Uni-Verse, s’il vous plait, address your queries to Yours Truly at his address in Multi-Verse.
                                                 Merci Beaucoup!

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


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Limerick: Once a Korean crossed the border

Limerick : Once a Korean crossed the border

Once a Korean crossed the border
Found his papers were not in order
They checked his knees and genes
Found he ate the same beans
So they stewed him in nuclear cooker.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

What'll I Do

“O’Reilly! …what’ll I do with Miss Glamour?
She’s me girl, but can no longer stand ‘er:
  -  Farts all the time
  -  for no reason or rhyme …”
That’s easy, mate … Buy a windjammer!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a delicious hen fed on rice-sticks

Limerick: Once a delicious hen fed on rice-sticks

  for Delysia Hendricks, with many, many thanks

Once a delicious hen fed on rice-sticks
Loved gorging herself on limericks
She pecked on a sweet line
It turned all alkaline
Now chicken’s served with acid on bricks.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Cracked Ribs and You

My shower last Saturday
Brought throbbing pain to my day
The soap made me slip
Got bruised on my hip
My ribs might be cracked they say

It hurts when I breathe or sneeze
Or if you give me a squeeze
The good times are gone
And so is the fun
My life’s no longer a breeze

The pain is constantly there
Even when I comb my hair
Hygiene’s getting tough 
So is “other” stuff
I’ve become a hairy bear

I wince with the jabbing pain
It’s sure to drive me insane
I can’t sit or stand
Need a helping hand
My bathroom trips are a drain!

My ribs reminds me of you
For no matter what I do
Your smile pokes me here
Your touch jabs me there
But your pain’s sweet.... through and through


Details | Limerick | |

Terri

The once was a woman named Terri
Who could make you feel so merry
But then there was loss
When she tried to be boss
Inferior? She made you feel very


Details | Limerick | |

Knock, Who

Once a man at my door said, “Knock, knock?”
When I said, “Who’s there?” He just said, “Knock.”
“Knock who?” I posed
“Knock knock?” he proposed
And we repeated that till twelve o’clock.


Details | Limerick | |

Hark--an Angel--The harbinger of all things good

What flies though the air up above
Disguised as a peace seeking dove
For those who've not heard
Drones can send you the bird
From the land of brotherly love

Author's note: Is this really how to win friends and influence people (for the long term)?


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a gay Roman bored Emperor

Limerick: Once a gay Roman bored Emperor

Once a gay Roman bored Emperor
Sailed Near East as great Conqueror
Queen there married brother
Was this a great bother?
He married Queen to have the Other!

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Trio of limericks

Trio of Limericks.


Saving money

There was an old fellow named Dave
He found a dead chook in a cave
It smelled just a bit
But he had to admit
That a whole lot of coin he did save.


When Andy got randy

There was an old sheep dog named Andy
He had such a liking for brandy
One day he got drunk 
And lord how he stunk
Cause with an old skunk he got randy.

Poor lady

Once an old lady named Faye
Who ate like a horse every day
This day she did choke
And it was no joke
Her corpse in a heap now does lay.




Details | Limerick | |

Musings Of A Wise Old Owl

Mused the owl roosting on a pine tree shoot,



   "My colleagues think I'm not very astute,



       But I wisely perch in pines,



          Not on hot transmission lines!



             If they singe their butts I don't give a hoot!"


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Lonely Grand-Dad in a Log-Jam

Limerick : Once a Lonely Grand-Dad in a Log-Jam

Once a Lonely Grand-Dad in a Log-Jam
Paid an urgent visit to a Grande-Dame*
She lifted the stuck log
During Pea-Souper smog
Damn ! Got carried down Grand-Dad Rapids – Wham !

* Dame : pronounced as in French
© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Poor Salesmanship

An estate agent from the Forest of Dean
Was known to be terribly mean
His clothes they would reek
As he'd worn them all week
But he was doing his bit to be green


Details | Limerick | |

Haiku Hell

Haikus with beer go well, I was told So I sat down and I ate eighty-four And when I got through I’m here to tell you, There sure was a mess on the floor Written by John Posey 12/22/12


Details | Limerick | |

Sing Sing Singer

I once knew a songster from Skokie
Who was thrown in the Sing Sing pokey
They claimed he was off key
And his voice was croaky
So he killed them at karaoke!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo

Limerick: Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo

Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo
Tried to wiggle her way through Fado
Only thing she had on
Was a navel button:
(Now) Fado mambo-jambo Oporto.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Limerick: Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo

Once a Belly-Dancer in Cairo
Tried to wiggle her way through Fado
Only thing she had on
Was a navel button:
Now she wiggles in jelly limbo.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

The soliloquies of my Imagination

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am thinking of evolution
My theory reveals the nature's mystery
"It all begins in the sea, our ancestry."
Scientists bow in my appreciation.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am a doctor prescribing medication
My job is to keep diabetes at bay
"Please take this pill twice a day."
Patients are full of admiration.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am an actor performing an imitation
My act amazes the most critical person
"It's elementary, my dear Watson."
A deserving Emmy nomination.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am writer requiring direction
My book is a thriller
'Vengeance of a charitable killer.'
An interesting plot in formation.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am an army officer defending my nation
My command evokes my army
"Today, we shall crush the enemy."
Daring acts of retribution.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am a philosopher seeking a solution
My notion predicts the downfall of capitalist mentality
"Change we must for eco-friendly sustainability."
A guaranteed life time award and recommendation.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am a leader of revolution
My speech inspires the people to fight
"Brothers and Sisters, it's our birth right."
A sea of charged up population.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am building a perfect nation
My government is the epitome of socialism
"Minister, I see a populace full of optimism."
Few steps away from perfection.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am a poet of aspiration
My prose is a limerick
"Hmm! It rhyme's with 'Blackadder's' 'Baldrick' "
It's a poetic exaggeration.

A tale from the soliloquies of my imagination
Now I am me dreaming about another impersonation
My brain needs to stop
"Oh God! need no more dreams to pop."
Wonder why I always keep dreaming a situation.



P.S  the soliloquies are in quotes





Details | Limerick | |

Smug Mug

Chadsworth Cabot was a proud member of high society,
It was his birthright, can’t you ignorant dolts see.
He pranced around on fancy polo horses,
Played golf at only the very finest courses
And stuffed his smug mug with dang crumpets and tea.


Details | Limerick | |

Manhattan Dream

While gazing down from the Rockefeller Tower
My girlfriend and I soon began to glower
While surveying Central Park we then thought
How much could we get for it if we bought
Trying to figure that out took over an hour


Details | Limerick | |

A Cow Named McKuen

There once was a cow named McKuen
Whose cud she was always a'chew'n.
Till one day in her lane
We asked please explain,
Said she, "It shor beats a stand'n 'n moo'n."


Details | Limerick | |

Provocative Titles

There's nothing wrong with the name Burger King
(aside from the obvious ego thing).
But I'd be mighty skeptic
about shouting out in public,
"Let's go buy a couch from that place called Sofa King"



NOTE: Say "Sofa King" while closing your eyes... see if you don't notice something strange.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a pretty Pole psychologist

Limerick: Once a pretty Pole psychologist

     for Ewa

Once a pretty Pole psychologist
Who preferred fast pedalling cyclist(s)
Kept a velo d’apparte*
And a Tour de France dart
Found trundling Bone-Shaker* merry twist.

•	Velo d’apparte(ment) = exercise bike
•	Bone-Shaker = first French bicycle, invented and manufactured by Michaux during the 1860s, whose framework was made of wrought iron and whose wooden wheels were bounded by iron tires.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

A Fellow Named Jack



There once was a fellow named Jack For poetry he sure had a knack He'd throw in some smut Up in arms they'd erupt But Jack said I don't give a crap © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Ticket-Puncher got dead drunk

Limerick : Once a Ticket-Puncher got dead drunk

Once a Ticket-Puncher got dead drunk
Punched everyone he called « Bloody Skunk ! »
Sentenced to punch in ring
Minus his wedding ring
Now his wife’s punched drunk by a starved Monk.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Meat-Vendor in Mylapur

Limerick: Once a Meat-Vendor in Mylapur

Once a Meat-Vendor in Mylapur*
Set up shop (O!) Brahmin virtue pure
No hungry customers
Knocked past the front shutters
Though brisk business raged at rear door.

•	Brahmin enclave in Chennai, Tamil-Nadu, India.
Brahmins were not vegetarians from antiquity.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Lynn

The once was a girl named Lynn
Who when young was so very thin
When she grew up she grew out, too
But she never lost that old woo-woo
And every beauty contest would win


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a lone Sailor sank with his ship

Limerick : Once a lone Sailor who sank wih his ship

Once a lone Sailor who sank with his ship
Bargained with a Mermaid through her hare-lip
She would give him a lift
If he’d give her a gift
That’s how mermaids got to wear haïr-clip.

                            OR
That’s how mermaids got second hare-lip.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

A Man From Rome

There once was a man from Rome who's head was shinny like chrome gave the world spiritual hope was given the title of Pope now he wears a hat like that of a gnome


Details | Limerick | |

Another Limerick

There was a young man from China
Who couldn't think of anything finer
Than to smoke cigarettes - play with his pets 
Eat out at an all night diner


Details | Limerick | |

Jane

There once was a girl named Jane
Who was considered by some plain
But after they'd dated
They simply just stated
That Jane wasn't plain - just insane


Details | Limerick | |

Lonely Lou

Lonely Lou was no fool.
He went to an all-girls school.
The principal said: “What The Hey!”
He expelled the boy on his first day.
Lou did get a couple of phone numbers so now he’s cool.   


Details | Limerick | |

Hot Rod

Hot Rod
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014


His hot rod was way too fast.
His lot was quickly cast.
He felt the need
For continual speed,
No gas station was ever passed.


Details | Limerick | |

Fill 'Er Up

In our fair town lives a feller named Hank.



   He's known as the village drunk to be frank!



      His guts' so huge its bizarre!



         He plops his gut on the bar,



            Sayin' "Fill 'er up, boys! Top off my tank!"



Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

My Clarinet



Once knew a young filly named Lizette She's really the reason I'm in debt Spent all my money Thought it was funny But I loved how she played my clarinet © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Viscountess in a mess

Limerick : Once a Viscountess in a mess

Once a Viscountess in a mess
Tried in vain to extricate dress
With Dwarf in the middle
And Duke in the fiddle
So she swung from swing to undress.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Baddy Paddy

Paddy O’Briar was a stinking drunk,
Who would get as doggone crazy as a rabid skunk;
Then he would dance a wee Irish jig,
Have sexual relations with a pig,
And spend a restless night on a jailhouse bunk.


Details | Limerick | |

Put it all together

Arrangements of words can exist  
So limericks end with a twist
This jolt to the brain
Is the final refrain
Of a punch line not to be missed


Details | Limerick | |

Haughty Royalty

The Englishman Prince married a really high toned lady,
She was royalty too, so she was more than a little shady.
She looked like a horse and smelled like a cow,
But the pathetic Britisher married her anyhow.
All the kingdom’s subjects started praying they would never have a baby.


Details | Limerick | |

A Gallon

“Gas: below three bucks a gallon!”
The media’s gleefully howlin’
-	But let’s not forget
-	They’re screwin’ us yet
If it’s over a buck, they’re a felon!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Bengal Tigress supped on a Goat

Limerick : Once a Bengal Tigress supped on a Goat

Once a Bengal Tigress supped on a Goat
The horns – pardon – got stuck in her throat
A Dentist pulled one out
The other by a Scout
Now – sad to say – Both made her bloat.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Instinct to Kill

a spermatozoa competition
for there is an ovum to won
so they race
to fertilize
and fight until they're left only one


Details | Limerick | |

Insomnapoet

Writing little rhymes such as this - there's little more as swell.
But a chore on this noggin, if you can't rightly tell.
I couldn't sleep a wink
the night my brain began to think,
"I can buy all the meds I desperately need, when these poems start to sell!"



NOTE: Far-fetched, but a man can dream.


Details | Limerick | |

Blackjack Dealer Named Whitney

There’s a wanna-be boxer named Whitney,
Who deals blackjack in Atlantic City.
I said with a straight face,
“That you’ll never win, ace.”
And then foolishly told him to hit me.


Details | Limerick | |

How Many Ties- A Poetry Mix

A Rhyme about Ties

How many ties does a man need
In fashion to be up to speed?
I really haven’t got a clue
Would you say about sixty two?

Tie Limerick

His ties number sixty two
Now here’s what I’m going to do
I’ll snip off each end
Drive him round the bend
I’d do that, now how ‘bout you?

Each tie rack I have arranged
I tell you I’m quiet deranged
But this I must say
I’ll use them for play
Or else I will be estranged

He cuts a figure so fine
This crazy husband of mine
So I’ll just shut up
Drink this bitter cup
For in a suit he’s sublime

Eileen Manassian Ghali


Details | Limerick | |

Laurie

There once was a girl named Laurie
Who soon became a love quarry
But with not enough time
To ring her sweet chime
She wanted to live out a story


Details | Limerick | |

First Date

First Date
Dr. James E. Martin
©March, 2014

My date that I call the first
Is probably the one that was worst.
I was shy as could be,
Nothing good could she see,
I should have been better versed!


Details | Limerick | |

BIG BILLY

A well endowed man named Billy
Had the most enormous willy
When he got it out
His lady would shout
Come here and roger me silly

Jan Allison
13th September 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a rich Janitress rode on a broom

Limerick : Once a rich Janitress rode on a broom

Once a rich Janitress rode on a broom
From cheek to jowl her looks spelt dire doom
She thought she owned the world
And the world owed her gold
So she chewed gold and lost gums and bloom.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

What's in a Word

 My English professor did my eye disturb,

 Her grammar exquisite - her ass superb!

   I asked her out just by chance,

     She said "sure! wanna dance?"

"No Ma'am" I replied.........."wrong verb!"






Details | Limerick | |

The Duchess

I sat next to the Duchess at tea. It was worse than I thought would be. A bee sat on her nose The Duchess turn'd verbose When it stung her right there but not me. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp200 Copyright@2014 October.21.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Limerick : Once Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Once Anchor-Woman at Sea Anne-Anne
Called Main-Chain-In-Vain-Gain-Mane-Rain-Van
Pulled anchor, lost finger
Put in place cucumber
Now sucks lost finger to spew news ban.


©  T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Lizzie Borden

(Limerick)

When Lizzie (Borden) saw what she's done
Thought to herself that was so much fun
So she whack them again
And again and again
Then laughed aloud at what she's done!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright@2014


09.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a lovely Lady caught in her shower

Limerick : Once a lovely Lady caught in her shower

Once lovely Lady caught in shower
With broken pipe and gushing water
Ran out to buy new pipe
Forgot the soap to wipe
Now waits for rain to come over her.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Do It Again

A life, years before, had begun,
Now … nearly over and done
   Down a lane
   Just to obtain
Life’s irrepressible lesson.

‘T is not what we have possessed
That left us so wonderfully blessed
   Nor was it beauty,
   Nor sense of duty
But how our life’s been assessed.

‘T was treatment of mankind and kin …
The love we expressed from within
   To those we met,
   And without regret
Would happily do it again.


Details | Limerick | |

Limousine Hazard

He was driving a tricked out limousine.
It was big, bad and he was feeling mean.
He drove it hard, he drove it fast.
Before he knew it he ran out of gas.
The car was stolen, he had no cash, he fled the scene.


Details | Limerick | |

The Phone Call (Limerick)

There was a girl named Caledonia
Who would often state, I will phone ya
She met a man called Fred
Who did ring her instead
And she simply said, guess I owe ya



Author's Comments :
Fred knew his line was not dead so he called around to see what Miss Caledonia was 
putting down...


A limerick is a five-line, often humorous and ribald poem with a strict meter. Lines 1, 
2, and 5 of have seven to ten syllables (three metrical feet) and rhyme with one another. 
Lines 3 and 4 have five to seven (two metrical feet) syllables and also rhyme with each 
other. The rhyme scheme is usually "A-A-B-B-A". 



Adell  Foster
Copyright 2007 © Adell1


Details | Limerick | |

The Crow

I once heard a knock at my door
And there was a crow repeating "No more"
I was so taken aback
I hit him with a rack
And sent him crashing right on the floor!







September,3,2014





Details | Limerick | |

Raise the Mast

An old salt from the islands of Forth
Rearranged his wife's bed to point north
   His romantic spouse Alice
   Gave him iron and Cialis
And he upheld that bearing henceforth


Details | Limerick | |

Hole in the Shoe

Hole in the Shoe
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

In the bottom of the shoe was a hole.
It consumed most of the sole.
It wouldn’t have been bad,
If no holes his socks had,
Dirty feet are not the desired role.


Details | Limerick | |

Trying to teach a dog tricks

A fellow got into a
fix
Trying to teach his
dog some new tricks
His canine named
Rover
Refused to roll over
And seemed totally
blind to thrown
sticks


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a lolling lassie from Laredo

Limerick: Once a lolling lassie from Laredo

Once a lolling lassie from Laredo
Jumped on a bronco to enter a rodeo
But the steed fell in love
With the curve of her alcove
And sped away on a honeymoon to Mejico.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Quentin

There once was a man named Quentin
Who rhymed with things that were lent, 'n'
Then once in a while
He'd rhyme with a smile
'N' put stuff he really hadn't meant in!


Details | Limerick | |

Tickle My Fancy



Well tickle my fancy wherever that is An excellent question for a Jeopardy quiz They say it's below... THAT'S IT... WELL HELLO! Methinks you've found it, you're quite a whiz! © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once the Yogi of Himalaya or the Laughing Gas Yogi

Limerick: Once the Yogi of Himalaya
                      or the laughing gas Yogi

		I

Once the Yogi of Himalaya
Preached laughing loud with Prânâyâma*
They thought him immortal
Put him on pedestal
Now he’s the toast of lost Gondwana.

		II

Once the same Yogi Himalaya
Taught laughing during Prânâyâma*
Lungs stuck to diaphragm
Voice: phonocardiogram
Now he’s part of iced Fujiyama.

•	Sanskrit for the art of breathing in yogic practices:
•	prânâ = (cosmic) energy; âyâma = vitality.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

The Red Head

The Red Head
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

She considers herself a red.
Who knows the color of her head?
Many dyes she’d used,
Her follicles abused,
Was she really a blonde instead?


Details | Limerick | |

Never Mind

Was a young lad from Missouri
Rushing about in a flurry
- A bathroom to find
- His bowels were maligned
Oops!  Never mind.  End of story.






























































Details | Limerick | |

You's and Me's

It’s not  “I’ll do what I can”,
That defines for women, her man
   Nor his strength
   Nor hair length.
It’s the “you’s” ... not me’s” ... of his plan


Details | Limerick | |

Dana

There once was a girl named Dana
Who wasn't from old Savannah
She'd lived in Texas
Till she and her nexus
Moved east to Louisiana


Details | Limerick | |

Charlotte

There was a girl by name of Charlotte
Whom some thought of as a harlot
But she was petite
And so very sweet
She never got the Letter of Scarlet


Details | Limerick | |

Meet the Husband

“We can’t go on meeting like this
‘Cause my husband’s all in a hiss”
- I found out: She’s right.
- met her husband tonight
I think it’s my face I will miss.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a mum Mademoiselle rode in a Metro

Limerick: Once a mum Mademoiselle rode in a Metro

           for Heather M.

Once (a) mum Mademoiselle rode in (a) Metro
Felt snug and dozed dreaming of Brando
Lights went out, the train stopped
Coach temperature dropped
She woke up in arms of Eskimo.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Fracked

The “Bad Witch of Oz” lost her throne
They weren’t gonna’ leave her alone
… the water was Fracked
… it’s how she got whacked
But … how many others aren’t known!


Details | Limerick | |

Thighs

A miss, with handsome curved thighs,
From men she elicited sighs
- Try as they would
- None of them could
Ever lay hands on the prize.


Details | Limerick | |

Overheard On The White House Wall

Overheard by flies on the White House wall

   During Bubba's tete-a-tete with his moll.

      "Order extra salami

         And a tad more pastrami

            Fer my pizza on yer next service call!"

Entry for Andrea Dietrich's Limerick Contest


Details | Limerick | |

Dining In The Oval Office

Overheard by a fly upon the wall,

   During Clinton's tete-a-tete with his moll,

      "Order extra salami

         And a tad more pastrami,

            For my pizza on your next service call!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Nessie From Loch Ness

In the Land O' Scots nigh auld Iverness,

   Cavorts a lass named Nessie in Loch Ness!

      Is this sly dragon fer real,

         Er jes' an overgrown eel?

            We'll never know fer sure is my guess!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Broom Warfare

These walls conceal an ugly war
Kitty litter raids my floor
This tidy home I'm sworn to keep
A rugged broom's a tiresome sweep
Three cats are such a chore


Details | Limerick | |

Cheryl

There once was a girl named Cheryl
Who always seemed in deep peril
She would call out a lot
Till what she wanted she got
And her boyfriend ended up sterile


Details | Limerick | |

The Well Traveled Linguist

A ventriloquist there was named Monique
Who could make all of her body parts speak
   Her right hand did British
   Her left handled Yiddish
Down below she preferred French and took Greek


Details | Limerick | |

STAYING ALIVE

It’s Saturday Night Fever, “Staying Alive”
Do not dare do the jive near beehive
     His white trousers so tight
     Nothing can see the light
My natural drive giving a ‘high five’


Who remembers this movie and the dance moves? And that hair on Trevolta! Close to the beehive hairdos that the women sported a few decades ago....lol

Inspired by Karen  Anglesey's "Jive in a Beehive"...


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Pathan paid for a brandy

Limerick : Once a Pathan paid for a brandy

Once a Pathan paid for a brandy
While in the company of (a) Dandy
Dandy was all so gay
He squealed like a blue jay
While Pathan jumped up on his bounty.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Chief Many Papoose

There was a great Chief named Many Papoose,

   Who with many brave's squaws played fast 'n' loose!

      When in battle the Chief died,

         The Chief's tribe was well supplied,

            With many papoose since he was profuse!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

The Butcher

(Limerick)


The butcher wastes no scrap of meat
He counts every part that  he meets.
Then turns it around
And right on the ground.
Then hits it hard and wraps it on wheat!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladp2000
Copyright@2014


September, 13, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

The underwear down there

Try something special to show your bum
There are those girls who think they are dumb,
It's known as a thong, get a pair,
It's like no underwear down there.
Unlike a guitar, ..one string can strum!



11-14-14


Details | Limerick | |

Little Jack Horner



There's a lady that lives at the corner She reminds me of little Jack Horner She sticks in her thumb Right away starts to hum Suddenly the room gets a lot warmer © Jack Ellison 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a sick Sikh in a great hurry

Limerick : Once a sick Sikh in a great hurry

Once a sick Sikh in a great hurry
Went to see a doctor after (a) hot curry
He hurried back mid-way
You know why so don’t bray
Now (he) sees doctors only when merry.
                               or
Since (he) sees doctors under a lorry
                               or
Now he sees proctors I’m so sorry.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a gorgeous Geisha in Kyoto

Limerick: Once a gorgeous Geisha in Kyoto

Once a gorgeous Geisha in Kyoto
Took (a) Cowboy to see crisp kimono
Ai ! took time to unfold
Lo ! Behold ! Body cold !
Pistol fired: one two finito ! 

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

The Nap

The Nap
Dr. James E. Martin
©March, 2014

He determined to take a nap.
His peers called him a sap.
He laid on the floor,
And started to snore,
It didn’t take long to adapt.


Details | Limerick | |

Singing in the shower

I’d love to sing proud and sing loud
But I’m embarrassed I might draw a crowd
So in public I’m dour
Though I sing in the shower
It’s the only time singing loud is allowed




Posted on my blog with an illustration - which you can see here-
http://tap-p.com/2014/08/15/singing-in-the-shower/


Details | Limerick | |

Mister Hugaday

There was an old coot named Clyde Hugaday

   Who hugged gals in a most passionate way!

      This didn't please his spouse

         And she warned the old louse

            He'd best shape up or there'd be hell to pay!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Super Golfer

         “Super Golfer”             “Limerick”    

There was a weird Dictator around.		
When he played eighteen holes of golf round
aides clasped ball with toes
and put it in holes.
He scored “three hole-in-ones”. What a clown.

03/24/2013.


Details | Limerick | |

One For Kicks

I know a bird who sways and swings
He jumps and kicks and flaps his wings
He cannot fly in stormy weather
He cannot strut his fluffy feathers
So instead he sits and sings.


Details | Limerick | |

Bald Fred

Bald Fred
Dr. James E. Martin
©March, 2014

They simply called him Fred.
He had not a hair on his head.
He was bald as a ball
From the bowling mall
But not quite as round it was said.


Details | Limerick | |

Gen'ral Ulysses Grant

'Twas well-known that Gen'ral Grant liked his rum

   But he knew how to make an army hum

      Lincoln said that if he knew

         Where Ulysses got his brew

            For his slothful gen'rals he'd order some!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Bill's Drill

There once was a president Bill
who used often a safe cracker drill.
     With a noteworthy bend
     and a knob on the end,
it liberated huge wads of bills.


Details | Limerick | |

Full Body Hickey

He sported a new hickey
I thought it rather icky
Right there on his neck
It made me a wreck
To kill that girl is tricky

Perhaps that is too dire
Will fight fire with fire
I’ll plaster her lips
And wiggle my hips*
Known to ignite desire

Revenge, they say can be sweet
Mine, a delectable treat
Full body hickey
Wasn’t too tricky
Now, MY poor boy she won’t greet!

*Reference to belly dance
For Heather Ober’s Make me Laugh Contest
July 2, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

The Princess

(Limerick) 

There once was a very old Princess 
Who loved to race cars and play chess. 
She loved to glitter 
And she wasn't a quitter 
Till she had a heart attack, more or less. 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
Aka ladydp2000 
Copyright@2014 

August, 29,2014


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once an elegant Earl from Eton

Limerick: Once an elegant Earl from Eton

Once an elegant Earl from Eton
Daily dreamed of swinging with Tarzan
In Brazil learned samba
Married virile cougar
Now sells D.V.D.s on Amazon.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013.


Details | Limerick | |

Chelyabinsk

A hot opportunity knocks
Buy and sell incoming space rocks
We love asteroids
But are covered by Lloyds
In case our own blocks suffer shocks


Details | Limerick | |

She Wast As Inscrutable As The Sphinx

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

   (She with face inscrutable as the Sphinx.)

      Although she was nay forthright,

         Shakespeare wast somewhat polite,

            But saw through her nefarious high jinks!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once an Anchor Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Limerick: Once an Anchor Woman at Sea Anne-Anne

Once an Anchor Woman at Sea Anne-Anne
Interviewed OFPRA* doing Can-Can
She said: Will you?
OF said: You, too!
And they rowed off in a rude bed-pan.

•	Office français pour la Protection des réfugiés
 et d’apatrides (French Office for the Protection 
of Refugees and Stateless Persons)

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

A Man Called Bill

 
(Limerick) The other day met a man called Bill He just did lots of things for a thrill Got legs up in the air Till along came a bear He hit his head and rolled down the hill. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2012 September, 24,2014


Details | Limerick | |

The Scrambling of Humpty-Dumpty

Humpty-Dumpty sat on the wall and gambled,

   That if he fell his yolk would not be scrambled.

      Yet when he fell,

         He cracked his shell.

            Alas, no way he could be reassembled!


Details | Limerick | |

Always A Widow

Here squats a Black Widow spider,
who sups a swig of sweet cider.
     He spies her there,
     scoots close to share
and sips the hot brew beside 'er.

She darts with aim to devour,
her size gives her lethal power.
     She fakes a hug,
     then snags him snug;
true bliss defines his last hour.

For some who deceive are gifted
to mask when power is shifted.
     The prey's surprise—
      he's soon incised—
his parts all broken and sifted.



Details | Limerick | |

Wrecks On The Nine

Tom took a day off for golf to play
His game should have been simpler croquet
Bruised head and scraped knees
His cart like swiss cheese
Wrecks on the nine, decides game's risque  

Inspired by Craig Cornish's Contest
Not an entry.....
Written: April 1, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a shocking Norseman crowned Viking

Limerick : Once a shocking Norseman crowned Viking

Once a shocking Norseman crowned Viking
Took his flaxen men on an ice outing
They lusted for fat Finns
Knocked walrus and dolphins
Why Arctic now with Vi-wal-phins seething.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

Scotland in Pawn's Dreams

Scotland in Pawn's Dreams

A visit to Scotland in Pawn’s dreams
Means grinding and riding little steams
Bout clouds know how to mark
Send battered skin as stark
And then kitty cat walks in sunbeams

5/5/2014


Details | Limerick | |

Hold This

Caesar to Brutus (in strife):
“I fear you’ve taken my Life …”
-	I thought you meant
-	It would be lent,
When you said: “Here … hold my knife”










Details | Limerick | |

Nevermore

The coven of witches heard a loud knock. Who is it? Shout'd a voice behind the cloak. " It is me said Poe The one that you know" And everyone chant'd "Nevermore" with a mock! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright2014 September,25,2014


Details | Limerick | |

Bawdy Limerick II

An unfortunate young man named Rodger                 
Had an incredibly tiny todger
But lust for him is strong 
His tongue is a foot long                                 
So he's got them all licked has our Rodger  

Written for Roy Jerden's Bawdy Limericks  II Contest
06-25-14


Details | Limerick | |

Shuga Shoes

She was a strip dancer named Shuga Shoes,

   Who did gigs in a pub in Newport News.

      'Twas well-known she liked the sauce,

         Which did not amuse the boss!

            Of jobs she was stripped and now sings the blues!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Way Too Smart

Way Too Smart
Dr. James E. Martin

I’m really way too smart.
Words come from the heart.
Words I don’ know,
My brilliance I show,
Many years ago this smartness did start!


Details | Limerick | |

Stuck in the Mud

Stuck in the Mud
Dr. James E. Martin
©March, 2014

The wheels continue to spin,
My patience is growing thin.
So here I sit,
Having a bit of a fit,
Not going where I sometimes have been.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Toro loved by a Matador

Limerick : Once a Toro loved by a Matador

Once a Toro* loved by a Matador*
Maimed between shoulders by Picador*
Matador garrocha*
Picador muchacha*
Picador cornudo* Matador.

*Toro : bull raised for fighting in arenas (rings)
*Matador : « matador de toros », bullfighter ; usually
               the head « torero », title obtained after the
               « alternativa », ceremony honoring the torero
               or « novillero », the apprentice bullfighter
*Picador : the well-protected assistant to the matador
                on horseback who wounds the toro between
                 the shoulders in order to cause the bull to hang
                 its head 
*garrocha/garrochar : (to use) the long lance with a metallic 
                 harpoon-like head , wielded by the Picador 
*muchacha : Spanish for girl or « daughter » as in this case
*cornudo : cuckolded (husband gored)

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

UFO

A UFO flew over Lake Erie
And really blew Air Force theory.
For it towed a large sign
That was flashing this line,
We borrowed a cow from O'Leary.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Grand Duke in Londonderry

Limerick : Once a Grand Duke in Londonderry

Once a Grand Duke in Londonderry
Thought he could run his own Grand Duchy
So he slammed door on Queen
Gave full vent to his spleen
Now he’s left with trillion debt treasury.

© T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013


Details | Limerick | |

True Story

While waiting for my ride beside the road
My driver arrived in time to behold
A car hit slush to soak me
Eyes to feet, wet as could be.
Tears ran from his eyes when this tale he told.

My co-workers heard this humorous tale
As with such mirth this story he'd regale.
I received no sympathy
For events that befell me.
The driver that soaked me should be in jail.

The melting snow is a thing to be feared.
Witnesses say that the evil car veered
On purpose, hitting the slush
Just to watch my cold face flush.
I can't wait until this weather has cleared.


Details | Limerick | |

Short Trip

Short Trip
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

His body got ahead of his feet.
The ground and his head did meet.
It raised a huge bump,
His parcels he did drop,
This act he hoped he’d not repeat!


Details | Limerick | |

Merry Friggin' Ho Ho

It's the first of November in the mall
And Christmas decorations deck the hall.
Tinsel and glitter abound,
The Christmas carols resound
And we haven't even gotten through fall.

Now Christmas has a season all it's own
And shopping makes you weary to the bone.
It's not a one day event
With happy family spent,
And for their lists, you'll likely need a loan.

By the time you finally get it done
You'll be too tired to have any fun.
If you get through Christmas Day
It's the next day you can play,
By returning your gifts for better ones.



for Carolyn's Commercialized Holiday Humor contest
  (Merry friggin' ho ho is something the girls and I say to each other
when we are being sarcastic or cynical over the holidays, we only
mean it in a humorous way, please don't take offense)





Details | Limerick | |

Obscene Green

Me friend, Ol’ Paddy’s, a joke
He thinks he can best any bloke
    “you’ll see …
   None better’n me!”
(‘Tis braggadocio he spoke.)

So I, from rancid cuisine
Passed gas - ‘twas really obscene
    Then I state:
    “Do it, Mate:
Catch that ... paint it green!”


Details | Limerick | |

Limericks Just for fun

She invited me into her lavender bath
I'm a ships captain and feeling quite daft
Though I was feeling absurd
I took her at her word
You should see where I moored my craft

With three suitors she could take her pick 
The stress and worry was making her sick 
She only knew she must marry
Quickly she dumped Tom and Harry
She knew she could not live without Dick.

There was a young lady named Mary
Her huge butt was terribly scarey
She went on a new diet
But please don’t you try it
As its now pert but terribly hairy


26th June 2014
Written by Jan Allison & Darren Watson


Details | Limerick | |

The old man

I met a man in the alley
who looked a little old
When he saw me approach,
He yelled, “you stupid cockroach!”
      I was a little shaken
I thought he was mistaken;
I told him my name
But all was in vain.
      He came running towards me like hell
And on the ground I fell,
When I got up
He threatened to take me to jail
       I stood there in shock;
I couldn't even talk,
And in between all this, he asked,
“Are you a hen or a cock?”
    I looked at him with puzzled eyes,
And he said I resembled wood lice,
I lost my temper and yelled at him;
He smiled as if I had said something nice.
     Now I had grown much irritated,
So I no longer hesitated
But as I walked away, 
He exclaimed, “What a pleasant day!”


Details | Limerick | |

Boy and His Scooter

Boy and His Scooter
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

The scooter scooted along
As he sang his favorite song.
He hit a big bump,
And took quite a lump,
On the scooter he does not belong!


Details | Limerick | |

Sail And Nail

(Limerick) 


A fellow was pleased with a sale 
Till noticed the boat was missing a sail 
He was very sad 
And got so mad 
He hit the man who did the SALE with a NAIL! 

Dorian Petersen Potter 
Aka ladydp2000 
Copyright@2014 


September, 8, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

How Poetry Began

When David composed the beautiful Psalms,

   He did so without computers and roms!

      That's when poetry began.

         Old Dave wrote to inspire man.

            Ah!  If Psalms were set to music by Brahms!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Entry for Justin Bordner's "How Poetry Began" Contest


Details | Limerick | |

The Jerk

(Limerick) A rich guy who often sail run out of luck His brand new beautiful boat got stuck It can't go anywhere But who's to care? This guy is a jerk and he really suck! Dorian Petrsen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September,28,2014


Details | Limerick | |

The Joker 1

(Limerick) Batman and Robin sped to their car But the Joker outran them by far Joker got in it But he didn't fit Then yelled" Guess have to throw my guitar!" Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 09.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Tragedy at the Petting Zoo

No matter a man's call or profession
He must use all the proper protection 
Ask the zookeeper why
For he lost his left eye
When the elephant got an erection


Made for Bawdy
Poetry II Contest on
6/29/14


Details | Limerick | |

I Just Can't Win

My wife she says that at housework I suck,

She yelled "pick up a broom you schmuck!"

  But babe, all that cleanin and dustin 

  Leaves no time for drinkin and lustin!

But she said "no dustin, no lustin!"...WTF!









Details | Limerick | |

There Was An Old Man

There was an old man with no shoes Who liked watching the news When he was shouting And also demanding "Just go, and get me more booze! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 September.21.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Little Verse

This little verse
Could be much worse:
Could have a word
You've never heard
Could make you curse....


Details | Limerick | |

Missin'

Used car salesman didn’t blink:

“None better!” said he with-a-wink

… With the hood open wide

… I'm seein’ inside:

Said: “Be better with an engine … don’t cha’ think?”




Details | Limerick | |

Worried Doctor

There once was a doctor from Perth
Who wanted to leave planet earth.
For his nurse did inject
And dietetically wreck
A heavyweight champion's girth.


Details | Limerick | |

another girl from france

THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL FROM FRANCE ON THE STREET SHE WOULD SING AND DANCE ONE DAY THERE WAS SUCH A HUSH ‘CAUSE SHE SHOWED A BIT OF TUSH WHEN SHE RIPPED OUT THE SEAM OF HER PANTS


Details | Limerick | |

Bond


There once was a man named Bond Who loved brunettes, redheads and blonde Till one came, and just say "Mr. Bond, this is for you" And she killed him, right there by the pond! Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 October,5,2014


Details | Limerick | |

Muffet

‘T was a young lass name of “Muffet”
Who always sat on her tuffet
- But was rough as a board
- All scarred and scored
Cause men kept trying to fluff it.


Details | Limerick | |

Where To

My payday's a monthly event
But ... ‘fore it’s here - it's been spent
… Search ever’ where
… Wonderin’ where
All that money has … went?


Details | Limerick | |

King Arthur

(Limerick) There once was an owl named Argonne That read a lot of King Arthur and Avalon Of Merlin & the sword of Power Of Camelot, and all the square Knights, who sat 'round when Art call'd upon! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 10.4.2014


Details | Limerick | |

By Now

 
(Limerick) 

By now, the crowd was cheering 
while some of them were leering 
looking at the treaters 
pushing at the streeters 
that were from the trees swingin' 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 
copyright@2014


October.2.2014 


Details | Limerick | |

One Perfect Limerick - Part 2

A poor lad once got VD
Found it hard trying to pee
Tied a bow in his dick
This lad wasn’t so thick
He can’t infect you or me


Details | Limerick | |

Dorian Gray

(Limerick) 


There was a man called Dorian Gray
Who tried hard not to get old and gray 
So a swap he just did
Portrait wrinkles did rid 
Till his rotten flesh ate it away. 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 
copyright@2011 


September,10, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Hey Waiter, There's A Fly In My Stew

There was once a finicky chap named Lou,

     Who espied a fly swimming in his stew!

          Said the waiter to the bloke,   

               "What a fantastic backstroke!

                    He won't eat much and will leave some for you!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Ms Jack And Tack

There was once a lady called Ms Jack
Who lived near a grass region called Tack.
When prickled by the grasses
On her way with her glasses.
She let down her glasses and her Jack.



 
For Andrea's "Show Me The Funny" Contest. 


Details | Limerick | |

A Quickie

Composing in regards to a quickie,

   I will leave to those Soupers more frisky.

      Therefore, I shall abstain,

         From racking my poor brain,

            To muse upon a matter so risky!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved

Entry for Skat's "A Quickie" Contest (19 June 2014)


Details | Limerick | |

Smart Thief

There once was a thief from Chile
Who liked to drink milk with a lilly.
Well the judge was aghast
When examining his past,
But decided he was just silly.


Details | Limerick | |

A Jar of Olives in Brine

A jar of olives in brine…?...
Add zinger or a puncline,
Let your juicy thoughts trickle,
Let your tangy wit tickle.
The title too must be fine.


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a Privy Counsellor at Lord's

Limerick : Once a Privy Counsellor at Lord’s

Once a Privy Counsellor at Lord’s*
Watched a bowler* throw balls like gourds
Convened judicial com.*
Summoned bowler to come  
And sentenced him to eat bitter gourds.

Lord’s : The Mecca of cricket grounds in London
                where the Marylebone Cricket Club has 
	    its seat.
bowler : The player who lances the ball at the
	     batsman ; yet during the act the elbow 
	     must not be bent – at the risk of being 
	     called by the Umpire a « no ball « , that is,
	     even if the ball hits the wickets and the 
	     bails are dislodged, the batsman is not
	     given « out.».
*Judicial Com(mittee) of the Privy Council, the highest
	Court of Appeal in England (and the former 
British territories) until the Supreme 
	Court was set up in 2010 to hear some appeals.  
The Privy Counsellor/Councillor
	is a Member of the House of Lords and a judge.	

©  T. Wignesan – Paris,  2013 


Details | Limerick | |

A Big Bird From Cantoon

( Limerick) A big bird from Cantoon could not fly With his wings spread open he perch'd high But the branch then just broke Fell and it wasn't a joke Thought that he was dead and start'd to cry! Dorian Petersen Potter Aka ladydp2000 Copyright@2014 10.4.2014


Details | Limerick | |

A Woman Named Flo

(Limerick)


There once was a woman named  Flo 
Who did it by the way that you know 
She had a long nose 
And alligators in tow 
Who ate her nose and each of her toes! 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 
copyright@2014 


September,07,2014 


Details | Limerick | |

How The Red Baron Met His Doom

Alas, the famed Red Baron bit the dust.

   His last flight in his Fokker was a bust.

      Some thought Snoopy shot him down,

         But t'was a dude named Roy Brown,

            Leaving Charlie Brown and his friends nonplussed!



Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


NOTE:  There is controversy to this very day about who and how the
Red Baron actually died.   Canadian pilot Roy Brown claimed he shot
him down but there is some evidence that he may have been hit by a
rifleman from the ground.   Here's hoping this will keep you awake at
night worrying about it!!!


Details | Limerick | |

Soup Needs Stirring

The celery is starting to droop, The chickens have all flown the coop The broth is tasting quite bland, The carrots need a hand, Come on let's add some spice to the soup! Stick in your slotted or wooden spoon, Let's heat this up, morning, night or noon, We can be wild we can be fun, All my friends, you are number one, Take a taste of our shared soup real soon. Add some flakes of laughing potion, Mix it up with a stirring motion, Lets see all the souper smile, Humor is a happy style, Wow me with your poetic devotion!


Details | Limerick | |

The Circle

(Limerick}

The Circle of witches all heard a loud knock 
"Come in!" Said a voice behind a big rock 
But it wasn't "the Raven" 
And sure wasn't a Haven 
So all run out  just wearin' socks and no frock! 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
Aka ladydp2000 
Copyright@2014 

September 10, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Stuck Truck

Stuck Truck
Dr. James E. Martin
©January, 2014

My truck is stuck in the mud.
It bottomed out with a thud.
So here I sit,
Pitching a fit,
This trip was surely a dud!


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once a randy Rajah from Ratnapoor

Limerick: Once a randy Rajah from Ratnapoor

Once a randy Rajah from Ratnapoor
Stole into his harem to take a tour
Eunuchs were most occupied
With Ranis left untied
So he cut their heads off to seal the door.

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick Once an anti-Academic doctor

Limerick : Once an anti-Academic doctor

Once an anti-Academic doctor
Prescribed poison for ailing professor
Prof gave powder to wife
Wife sold it to mid-wife
Who mixed it in husband doctor’s dinner.

©= T. Wignesan – Paris, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Too heavy for the levee

There once was a girl on the levee
Who by anyone's judgment was heavy
She tried to get here
By crossing the pier
But ended up crushing the Chevy


Details | Limerick | |

Argyle Socks

I'm glad to see that comin' back in chic,

   Are socks that I ain't worn in quite a streak.

      Argyle socks are now the rage!

          Even at my elder age,

             I'll sport 'em so I won't be called a geek!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2014 All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

Hedgehog - adult

I ONCE MET A MAN IN PORN WHO’S TOOL WAS BIGGER THAN CORN NO TWITTER NOR BLOG THEY CALLED HIM HEDGEHOG HE HUFFED PUFFED AND BLEW HIS OWN HORN


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick: Once Steppes Chief Mongol in a loose hose

Limerick: Once Steppes Chief Mongol in a loose hose

Once Steppes Chief Mongol in a loose hose
Tried to jump Great Wall with horse and Rose
Horse kicked hole in hose goal
Chief bored hole in the Wall
Guess who licked Rose red-in-the-nose?

© T. Wignesan – Paris, 2013

MERRY XMAS to ALL Soupers !


Details | Limerick | |

Here Come De Judge

ALL RISE! Here come de judge! Courts in session!

   Guilty or not is at his discretion!

      (I'd jes' as soon be fishin'

         Than sittin' here a-wishin'

            I hadn't committed that transgression!)

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

The Limerick Poet

(Limerick)


The Poet just got stuck with a rhyme
Something he could use nice and sublime
But nothing came out
So he started to shout
This is not worth any more of my time!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright2014


September.13.2014


Details | Limerick | |

Tommy Totem

There was a farm hand named Tommy Totem
Who went out to the garden and hoe’d ‘em
But that implement
Was useless since bent
So he used the tool next to his scrotum


For Bawdy Limerick two contest
July 1, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Tom's a Freshman - Tom's a Peeper

THERE ONCE WAS A BOY WHO WAS A FRESHMAN WHO’S STUDY HABITS WERE A MESS-MAN TOM WOULD NEVER GRADUATE FROM YALE HE WOULD SURELY WIND UP IN JAIL ALWAYS HIDING AWAY FROM THE ARREST MAN THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WHO WAS A PEEPER WHO SPIED ON GIRLS WHILE THEY WERE ASLEEPER TO TOM IT WAS A JOKEY ‘TIL HE GOT THROWN IN THE POKEY NOW TOM IS A REGISTERED SEX CREEPER


Details | Limerick | |

The Beard

(Limerick )


His beard was as white as pure snow
And look'd  like the Santa that you all know
He washes it with rice
And keeps it so nice
And each day rubs it hard to make grow!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright2014

September, 8, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Hysterically Funny

 
(Limerick) 

There was a young girl from Bulgaria, 

She was so funny, that went into hysteria, 

After she heard a joke,
 
Laugh'd so hard, under an oak, 

And then peed, right there in the same area. 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 
copyright@2007 



September.10.2014


Details | Limerick | |

A Certain Actress

(Limerick)


A certain actress lost it all to a man
Who she thought was a great handyman
To have him around 
But was so astound 
When he left her and moved to Japan!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright@2014


09.16.2014


Details | Limerick | |

An Old Fellow

(Limerick) 


There was an old fellow from Pinner 
Whose daughter ate lots of lunch and dinner. 
Then woke up one day 
Very obese by the way. 
And now she's so fat and not thinner! 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 
copyright@2014 


September,1,2014 


Details | Limerick | |

Slow Suicide

McNeer couldn’t take it no mo’
By rope-in-tree he would go
 - Nerve’s gone I fear
 - It’s been near a year
(He’s waitin’ for the saplin’ to grow!)




Details | Limerick | |

Persuasion

[Limerick Sequence]

There's a sparkle of glee in his eyes
when he catches a glimpse of my size;
he scoots my way
to make his play,
but I throw him a look to demise.

My soft body lures him as a flame
and he hopes all demurrals will tame.
His move is quick,
his line is slick
in maneuvers to stake his claim.

His façade is quite handsome and bold
as he reaches with strong bands to hold.
He dare not miss
with his first kiss
as my lips draw a line tight and cold.

But in lust I succumb to his will;
his embrace zaps my nerve-ends a thrill.
He pulls me in
his feathered den,
sinks tentacles deep to drink his fill.


Details | Limerick | |

You only have to know where to look

Who entered a pub for a round?
A rabbi with frog quite renowned
The bar tender, Pat
Asked, “Where did you get that?"
“In Brooklyn!" said the frog, “That's where they're found!"


Details | Limerick | |

Limerick In Focus

All other than serious verse, bogus;
He doesn’t believe in any hocus- pocus.
Ideals! He’d never drop;
But see the funny flip- flop,
Finally, limerick is his focus.


Details | Limerick | |

Prunes and other things

There once was a man who ate nothing but prunes
He was broke and howled at the moon
He was desperate for work
And got some soon
Blowing up air ballons.


There was a man from pakistan
Who owned an old ice cream van
But the ice cream melted in the sun
Poor man
And now he sells burgers in a bun.


There was an elephant called peek a boo
Who escaped from a zoo
It didn't take long to trace him
Just am hour or two
They just followed a trail of giant poo.


There was a hedgehog who married a frog
They tried to mate but it hurt too much and fell of the log
So the hedgehog took off his pricly coat
And now they have seven little hedgefrogs
That live on a boat.

There was a bear who loved Fred Astaire
Who danced here and danced there
He stole clothes from a washing line
He looked a treat in ladies pink panties and tutu
Hey bear give them back there mine!.

Peter Dome. copyright.2014. Sept.


Details | Limerick | |

Dinosaurs From A To Z

My research reveals there's an Allosaurus

   And a dinosaur called a Zupaysaurus.

      As you can readily see,

         I have searched from A to Z,

            But am yet to find one called a Thesaurus!

Entry for Roy Jerden's "Limericks Clean and Clever" Contest

(10 Nov 2014)


Details | Limerick | |

Mister All

If you haven't yet met mister All,
he's a renowned world traveler.
          He's in every port,
          postulates for sport;
a self-proclaimed mysteries unraveler.

Doubtless you know mister All,
any space becomes his dominion.
          His view never bends,
          as he loudly contends,
everyone must accept his opinion.
 
Surely you've suffered mister All,
he's every man's familiar relation. 
          He's anxious to show it,
          his first name is Know-it;
he dominates every conversation.



Details | Limerick | |

Look Up In the Sky

I have seen my alarm clock die
I have watched the present go by
Been waiting for years
Through blood, sweat, and tears
Wanting to see if time can fly


11/16/2014
For Limericks Clean and Clever Contest


Details | Limerick | |

A Two-Timer From New York Town

A two-timer cheater from New York town 
Who just enjoys so much to go down 
Stocks tires and his likes 
He owns cars and a pink bike 
And he uses them when does it all down! 


Dorian Petersen Potter 
Aka ladydp2000 
Copyright@2014 


September, 8, 2014 


Details | Limerick | |

Mildly Amusing Limerick 5

A first internet date with a stranger, 
Proved to be a flirtation with danger, 
Said the girl to her shrink, 
As her hand stroked her mink, 
‘I guess I wasn't born in a manger!' 

Brian Johnston
August 24, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Mountain Nock--- Bawdy

There once was a gigantic mountain
That used to cave out on its molten
The last time Heir visits
Mountain Nock got digits
And walked on fauna’s realm to sustain


17/06/2014


Details | Limerick | |

A Girl That Lived In Brussels

~*~ ~~**~~ there once was a girl that lived in Brussels she married a man now they're the Russel's she was kind of a geek he was more than weak she with no brains him without muscles ~~**~~ ~*~
November, 14, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

A Lady From France

There once was a lady from France
Who sometimes would prancingly dance.
One day, it is said.
She fell on her head.
By chance, she now lives in a trance.

Written for Poetry Soup Member Contest: Limericks Clean and Clever - Poetry Contest
Sponsor	Roy Jerden

November 22, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Sprawling Fellow

A fellow would frequently sprawl
Didn't mind where or if he did crawl
All over a place
Or on his head or face
Till one day crashed and hit the wall!


Dorian Petersen Potter
Aka ladydp2000
Copyright@2014



September, 8, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Rolling Stone

 
Rolling Stone

If rolling stones gather no moss
Would rockers ever lose their gloss?
Would he still strut his stuff?
or would it be all bluff
when Jagger looks like candy floss?

16.11.14


Details | Limerick | |

Samson 2

SAMSON 2

Samson killed a thousand men
With the jawbone of an ass
There was no other man alive
In mighty Samson's class

But his strength departed from him
After all was done and said
Because a lady named Delilah
Shaved mighty Samson's head


	Curtis Moorman
	1 September 2014


Details | Limerick | |

In the Clover

There was this dude named Willy

Who loved to wear frocks so frilly:

  One day in the clover

   He told me to bend over...

But my name is Billy - not Silly!








Details | Limerick | |

Sew Smart

I thought sewing would not be a hit
But who would ever have known that it
Could make you smarter 
So for a starter
I decided that I would knit wit


November 17, 2014


Details | Limerick | |

Wedding woes

There once was a cocktail party in spring
One woman looked at her friend’s wedding ring
She remarked, "looks quite fair
but wrong finger to cling"
The other replied, “Mistake in marrying”

                         +++

November 15, 2014
Form : Limerick
Dr. Ram Mehta
Contest by Roy Jerden


Details | Limerick | |

Magical Toilet Paper

From the shower to the mirror I stand With my breasts cupped in my hands Oh my gosh they're too small As I stand there and bawl You men simply just don't understand He suggests I take some toilet paper I've to rub them, Oh what a caper Blimey, how long this will take It'll take months, just wait Keep rubbing you'll soon be the shaper Golly, I'm starting to feel a right tit My new Bra they ain't going to fit Well it worked for your ass Keep going darling lass There's the proof, no lies, didn't it .


Details | Limerick | |

Arrogance Simply Astounds

Unconscious, he's now come around He's in hospital recently found With tubes up his nose Being nursed his sore blows His arrogance simply astounds You may not feel anything from the waist down Behave, simply stop acting the clown I apologise for my wit May I please feel your tits With a little smack, he started to frown .