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Funny Woman Poems | Funny Poems About Woman

These Funny Woman poems are examples of Funny poems about Woman. These are the best examples of Funny Woman poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Lyric | |

A poem for YOU

In this world of Uncertainties I’m the man that you can trust And in my words of sincerity That my love would never last. And if you could only feel, what i feel for you You can ask me “why?” so you can see the truth Like our love that tightens the rope, Like a light that would give us hope. As you watch the dark skies Let me grab the moon for you, And as I catch the bright stars That’s the way you can see me through As this planet turns as it always will And things go wrong and you don’t know what to feel Hold my hand for it will make us strong Like a wind, we will carry on The wind blow that sings a hymn for you For they know what does love means for the two Love is blind, and not deaf So how’s success if you’re not ready to bet? In this poem with full of rhymes, A full of love, Babe can you be mine? I don’t expect too much from you Why should I? If you complete my whole. “Till death do us part” that’s what they have said But why do struggles crash them ahead? Don’t ask me when my love will last, To count all of our quarrels, is that a must? Now and Forever is all that I promise No day dreaming and without reminiscence As the matter of time, as the time passes by Together we stand, together you and I
A poem for my Girlfriend for our anniversary :) pls comment and rate... you are free to judge and criticize my work :) God Bless

Copyright © Emmanuel Fajutagana

Details | Senryu | |

When a Woman Is Just a Woman: A Male Black Widow's Perspective

Gladly would I die
for your love, my dear. No! Wait!
Just kidding! Just kid...

Copyright © Tim Ryerson

Details | Free verse | |

This Thing Called Woman

When in her best behavior:

    she smiles so sweetly
    and she loves so freely;

    she speaks so softly
    and she adores so dearly.

But if you are not on your guard:

    she will smile sweetly still
    as she drives a knife deep into your heart;

    she will love you, yes she will,
    while bleeding dry your credit card until you hurt;

    she will speak ever so softly, 
    divesting you of your money till you can't take it anymore;

     she will adore you dearly
     till she finds a new man, then drops you to settle some score.

She is tough, yet crumbles so easily,
she loves but hates with uncontrollable fury.

She sends so many conflicting signals:

    like some sort of a weirdo,
    she says no when she means yes, and yes when she means no;

    she always demands equality 
    yet expects preferential treatment based on her femininity;

    she expects a man to open the door
    but once inside the feminist begins to take over the floor; 

    she can manage on her own, says woman,
    yet resents it when you don't give up your seat, you ain't a gentleman;

    she wants a man to hold her when crossing the pavement
    but try it in the office and the poor guy gets booked for harassment.

What a woman really wants is her favor !!!

Copyright © Wilfredo Derequito

Details | Narrative | |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.

Copyright © DR Robert Gonzo

Details | Rhyme | |

herKidster, Billy Breaks Up With PD

herKidster, Billy is breaking up with PD.
Things were going very well until PD
made it clear to herKidster that PD is a she.
Now PD has an unfair advantage on me.
If I get too rough PD crys like a big cry baby,
"That was over the line Kidster. You really hurt me,"
then theKidster falls apart feeling very guilty.
I would never hurt a woman intentionally.
Well, it's been fun my little poet destroyer PD.
You should have never revealed that you were a woman to me,
but we can always continue to be friends, there's just one down side you see,
now all of your followers that I gave to you are all gonna flock back to me.
Now PD's gonna lose all of PD's popularity.
Goodbye my little poet destroyer PD.
Forever yourKidster, Wild Billy

Copyright © SillyBilly theKidster

Details | I do not know? | |

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###

(This is a fictional poem)

A 94 year old woman kicked my ###.
She beat the crap out of me and left me bleeding on the grass.
Every time I got up, she knocked me down again.
She beat me really hard and I sure as hell didn't win.
The fight started when she asked me to put out my cigar.
I told her that I'd shove it up her vagina and I guess I went too far.
When she got through beating me, I had lost most of my teeth.
Now people laugh at me and all I feel is grief.

Copyright © randy johnson

Details | Verse | |

Ding Dong The Wicked Witch is Dead

Globally, miners jubilantly jump for joy
Smiles on the faces of every girl and boy
The grins of a newly opened Xmas toy
Thatcher’s dead.

Trade unionists bounce along the street
Music blaring and the tapping of feet
From nurses to Bobbies still on the beat
Thatcher’s dead.

Street parties announced in the nation
Satan who brought economic inflation
Is deceased, now’s the time for elation
Thatcher’s dead.

Its times like this I’m sad I’m an atheist
And can only shout and wave my fist
And then go to the pub and get pissed
Thatcher’s dead.

Copyright © Dan Keir

Details | Limerick | |

The Chocolate

The Chocolate!

She is a deliciously smart gal,
For each and everyone's her pal.
Be it in the brownie or cake,
Or the icy cold milk shake.
She sure can change everyone's morale!

Copyright © sima mittal

Details | Light Poetry | |

My Telephone

Winter nights, the darkness comes quick
Key in door, to an empty house
Jacket falls fast right on the floor
I stare at the stand, at the telephone for sure

There she sits, alone, unmoving
No blinking light
No message at all
From a lovers voice or even a call from the mall

The ritual is the same, night after night
I pick up the phone, yes dial tone is there
I check the wires, all attached with great care
Its not broken, same as this morning

I confess, yes I stare at the phone over there

The phone is a functioning, I am assured
I call the weather line, yes a test but I was bored
They tell me is all sunny up over yonder
So no one calls me, of this I must ponder

I confess yes I stare, at the dark phone sitting there

Maybe the answering system parts are malfunctioning
Maybe she really did some exotic oh calling
Oh what I am saying, she’s out to the ball
While I look at telephone, alone in the hall

I confess yes I stare, I stare and stare

So another night, outside shines the bright city lights
I open the door to the darkness in fright
For oh my god, I see a blinking light
My heart beats in excitement, this is surely the night

I stare at a ringing telephone

Oh my what a delight!!!!!!!!

Wrong number

Copyright © arthur vaso

Details | Lyric | |

Viagra and Beer

Too much Viagra and beer.
Too much Viagra and beer.
My wife was out of town,
I hit every club around.
Each time I'd hope to find
A horny woman here.

Country Bob's was the last club that was open.
Near blind drunk and horny, but I was still hopin'.
A pretty woman gave me a glance,
Smiled and said, "Nice pants.
Honey, I'm ridin' if you're ropin'."

A few hours later, I was in a Helluva mess
She's still ridin' hard and screamin', "God, this is the best!"
I was dizzy and light-headed. I had pains in my chest,
But she wouldn't stop long enough to call EMS.

When I came to, I was home in my own bed,
Next to my lovely wife; and this is what she said:
"I picked you up at Country Bob's, my dear;
And there's gonna be some changes around here.

You were fantastic last night;
So, I only think its right
If I supplement your diet 
With Viagra and beer."

Viagra and beer. Viagra and beer.
She treats me like a king,
Says I make her body sing;
So, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Yes, I'm happy on my diet of Viagra and beer.

Submitted by: Buzz O'Words
Written: 3/3/14

Copyright © Robert Candler

Details | Haiku | |

What Does The Dick Say

What does the dick say?
“Not the hand you stupid fool.
I need a woman.”

Copyright © Jerry Stevenson

Details | Kimo | |


Laura would look great in a bikini
but she lives in Alaska
so it will not happen.

Copyright © Jerry Stevenson

Details | Lyric | |

He Likes Ugly Girls

Baby, I see you starin' at him,
But you ought to give me whirl;
'Cause he's a handsome hunk,
But when he gets drunk...
Baby, he likes ugly girls.

Yeah, he still lives with his Momma
Even tho' he's 33.
She starches and irons his jeans and shirts,
And he brings home new recipes.

She's told him he's good lookin',
And there's no doubt it's true;
But when he takes home a pretty woman,
Momma says, "Son, she won't be true."

She says, "Son, if you want good lovin',
A plain and homely gal will provide.
She'll treat you right, mornin' and night;
And keep you satisfied."

So baby, you can stare at him, 
But you ought to give me a whirl;
'Cause he's a handsome hunk, 
But when he gets drunk....
Baby, he likes ugly girls.

You don't stand a chance.
That boy loves his Momma.

Yeah, he goes for ugly girls.

Copyright © Robert Candler

Details | Limerick | |

Woman-Owned Business Maker

Self-employed and partner in life
He "hired" some other guy's wife
Making golfing balls
Now he has two holes
My new business ?...Surgical Knives...

for Carolyn Devonshire's "Horrible Bosses"

Copyright © iolanda Scripca

Details | Free verse | |

I Am Woman Hear Me Roar

I am strong as that of a mighty eagle
Won't back down to predators

I am strong that of atlas
Can carry the world on my shoulders

I am strong that of a loco motive
Reaching final destinations 

I am strong that of God
Only within His calling

                              For the hand who touches
                                 Is the man saved

I have the willpower
To see it through

I have structure
To make it happen

I have knowledge 
To share unto others

                              For I am woman
                                Hear me Roar

Entry For Rambling Poet's
I Am Strong Contest

Copyright © Katherine Stella

Details | Rhyme | |

Thank You

 I am strong because of you,
vulnerable no more.
I had to grow a backbone
when you walked out the door.

I am no longer needy
like the woman you left behind.
I've learned to stand on my own two feet
and I now know my own mind.

Independant and self-aware
I am now, because of you.
So I thank you for all you did
when you told me we were through.

I wouldn't be that woman again
if you offered me a million bucks
and as for you and your life now,
well I really don't give two... figs.

Copyright © Francine Roberts

Details | Ballade | |

Johnny Depp Wrapped in Chocolate Would Be Heaven Sent

~~Johnny Depp Wrapped in ChocolateThat Would Be Heaven Sent~~ Bonjour môn amies a ballade to write, will be my fait accompli The trials of a woman to bring love - in a village that did not play. An alluring female chocolatier opens a choclaterie-e Hated by the Mayor she wished her plans she never did lay Ooh la la !! Her dress was racy - but still they began to pay Johnny Depp was her gypsy lover when on the river they went But she had to win the love of others to fulfil plans, come what may Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. A village so French - a so called femme fatal-e She determined to change there outlook and stay Viva la difference, but one by one she turned them to see Her chocolate treats did melt in mouth - in secret they did say C’est manifique - they whispered with authority Her sweets bites bought together those she thought were meant Even though some tried to block her treats others made a silent plea Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate – that would be heaven sent. To church the lady never went an illegitimate child the Mayor did see But slowly the French ladies turned to love this alluring woman and say Her chocolate they thought magical- her raison d’etre it must be Her tête-à-têtes were to open hearts, and bring peace and love to stay Reconciliations made in her chocolate shop - their thoughts began to sway But no chocolates were they to eat, and the reason - it was lent… But those that did dare to try - found on their tongues it did dance and play But Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. Prince Depp my piece-de-resistance, is there for all to see My joie de vivre if I had been there, even though it may be lent I would have paid money just to see… Johnny Depp wrapped in chocolate - that would be heaven sent. ©
For the Un Deux Trois contest....well at least I tried ha ha

Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl

Details | Limerick | |

Silly Woman

There was a silly woman from Detroit Who at everything was adroit She couldn't ev'n boil an egg She just kept them in a keg And then she threw them like a quoit. Dorian Petersen Potter aka ladydp2000 copyright@2014 10.21.2014

Copyright © Dorian Petersen Potter

Details | Rhyme | |

She Done Me Wrong

Every time I turn the radio on I hear a feller's plaintive song,
About his achin' heart and how his woman done him wrong!
How they once held each other close beneath the harvest moon;
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He found his woman hangin' out in honky-tonks at the edge of town,
Consortin' with the local rabble tossin' whiskey sours down!
Never mind that she caught him with Hildebrun at Clyde's Greasy Spoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

His woman tells him to stop his gamblin' at the Pot O' Gold Casino,
And if he doesn't stop and toe the line, she's headin' for a split in Reno!
He wonders where his charm has gone that once made her swoon.
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He feels a pang of guilt for not providin' the kids with decent shoes,
And blowin' the grocery money on the horses, cigarettes and booze!
But can't a feller have a little fun without her ragin' like a typhoon?
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

He stops at Cudahey's after work and drinks until they douse the light.
He cries on Bubba the barkeep's shoulder unloadin' on him every night.
He feels as if his woman thrust through his heart a very sharp harpoon!
Now, he sits alone caressin' a beer at Cudahey's Diner and Saloon!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Placed No. 3 in Paula Swanson's "Play Me A Cheatin' Song" Contest - May 2011

Copyright © Robert L. Hinshaw

Details | Limerick | |

There once was a woman from Japan

There once was a woman from Japan
She went by the name of Faye-Lynn
A ninja with beauty
To kill was her duty
Her weapon was seduction of man

Copyright © Virginia Mitchell

Details | Limerick | |

hey cutie

Your sheer arrogance makes me giggle
Your butt does the cutest wiggle
I really hope you like me
I want to call you baby
Or maybe my little piggle.


Copyright © Derrick Shane

Details | Ode | |

Emily Me

a star and always her
constantly the moon in the garden
this wide paradise to me
where I declaim Emily Dickinson
syllable by syllable
to the happiness of the destinies
an eternal love

Copyright © Milan Georges Burovac

Details | Haiku | |

to agree with me

made a robot
named it after her
programmed it to agree with me


Details | Couplet | |



I can speak French and sometimes Chinese
I can also speak cat with some ease
When he  miaows at me as he goes
I mimic his call and he  knows
When the dog barks I reply
Even the horse and I see eye to eye
But I can’t speak “woman”
It’s beyond the speech power of a man.
I can’t talk for hours about shoes

And discuss the merits of mauves or blues
Or share the humour of how pink bows  
Don’t go with green  pillows
And go all weepy over Meryl  Streep

Or wax lyrical over some punk-rock creep

Or persuade some guy to discuss flowers

Rather than the size of the nuclear powers  
.. . . . so she  said. . . . so then I said. . . 
And  she whispered. . . . and her face went red. . . .

No it’s impossible to spend hours on the phone
I’d rather sit watching football all alone
It’s futile me trying to pretend
An interest in what gift to send
Or remember birthdays wi th accuracy
Such a task would drive me crazy
God save me from female speech
Let me speak “man”,  I beseech
Just let me sit alone and grunt
Or maybe shoot, fish,  and hunt
And talk to the dog about football facts
Or maybe  to the car while I wax.

Copyright © Sidney Beck

Details | Light Poetry | |

Vanity, Thy Name Is Woman

Vanity…Thy Name Is Woman!

My house is on fire
What shall I do
I’ve seconds to decide
My choices are few
Shall I grab my money
My precious jewels
Or my brand new furry
Bedside mules?

This smoke is deadly
I can hardly breathe
I make a mental list
Of what to bequeath
But live or die
I’ll wear my designer dress
I’ve got to look great
For all the press!

Copyright2012 Beatrice Boyle
(All rights reserved)

For Kristen Bruni's Last Chance Poetry Contest

Copyright © Beatrice Boyle

Details | Rhyme | |

Golfing Diva

Crookhill ladies  take the tee
On their very first “girly” golfing spree
To High Street stores they wave goodbye
Preferring sun-baked Spanish skies ,
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with tiny asses
No tears were shed, all eyes were dry
As they boarded EASY JET 109
On route for the infamous, Alicante
Where  golfing  convention rules out “hankey-pankey”
Aperitifs in long, cool glasses
Served by waiters with black silky ‘tashes
Pretty conservative as you’d expect
These would be,  competition golfettes
All that is, except for Sheila
A real little animated golfing diva
She’ll sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
More likely to kick than kiss their assets
All thoughts of home are driven away
Anticipating the games they’d play
Of practice, putts  and competition
With dreams of victory a firm conviction
They sip the aperitifs in long cool glasses
While thoughts may turn to the young Señors' assets
Balmy nights they came and went
Their passion for golf now almost spent
Except for our Sheila - golfing diva
Lifting the trophy, a mega achievement
Sips champagne till way past dawn
Her entourage, she can’t recall
Coincidence?, I really can’t say
But those Spanish Señors look content today


Details | Couplet | |

Hide and Seek

Cat and Mouse: hide and seek
This could take an hour or week

No one wants to seem too bold
So we put our love on hold

A peek here and a peek there
Wondering if we really dare

Wondering what the seconds bring
Wondering if the phone will ring

Wondering, wondering:  peek a boo
You’re hiding…. but I SEE you

I see past that great big wall
Your heart’s ready for the fall

I know that you caught the bait
But I sit and wait and wait

I’m patient, got time of day
But oh, what if you get away!

Cat and mouse: hide and seek
Oh, my knees are getting weak

Oh, this heart’s sure to explode
The waiting’s gone to overload

One more second's just too much
No time for cat games and such

Hide and seek…is getting old
Here I am! My love is bold!

Ready? You'll be caught real tight!
Cause boy, your just out of sight!

Eileen Manassian Ghali

Copyright © Eileen Manassian

Details | Limerick | |


There was a young lady named Dela,
Who always dressed well for her feller.
What did Delaware?
I really don't care,
But I think she should have dressed weller.

Copyright © William Robinson

Details | Dodoitsu | |

Right Woman Or Not

All the women I have loved.
Have seemed to come from above.
Except one who cast a spell.
She's the one from hell.

Written for John Freeman's "Love or Humor" contest

Copyright © Jimmy Anderson

Details | Rhyme | |

Selfish Woman

Before I lay me down to sleep
I pray for man who is not cheap

So he can buy me beautiful car
And give me shiny moon and a star

Of course he buys me soft furry coat
And don't forget beautiful boat

I like men with lots of money
He doesn’t even have to be funny

He should have wallet big in his pants
And take me shopping always to France

And he will buy me lots of gold
And do anything he’s been told

I love to look always divine
And drink expensive champagne or wine

I want a house big as can be
I want everything to be for me

I want a ring with white big rock
I want purebred cat and a dog

I want I want I wanted all
And never settle for anything small

My man, he has to be very rich
Some people tell me I’m such a witch

I’m not a witch not which you see
I just want all to be for me

This poem is nothing but fiction, I write love poems, sad poems, romantic poems etc.
One day I came up with a funny one. 
I hope you like it,  and I hope you enjoy a little laugh... :)

Copyright © Elizabeth Skiba