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Funny Water Poems | Funny Poems About Water

These Funny Water poems are examples of Funny poems about Water. These are the best examples of Funny Water poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Black-Water Blues

Diz Cajonne dey call Thibodaux
Paddle dis girl in his Pirogue
Den he see dem unmention
Dad tool stan at attention
She slap him stick HARD doncha' know

Dad pole shrink awful fas he yell whoa!
Sha, whad did you swat dad ting fo?
Now it at parade rest
Like diz bird in a nest
She-say-"I-scared-a'-dem-SNAKE-buddy-ohh!"

PD's contest

Copyright © Tim Ryerson | Year Posted 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

Modern Life

Modern Life
We are open twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week
Except Monday mornings and Sunday nights.
What are they on about, at this place that I seek
That is supposed open 24/7 days a week.

The pub is open we have an unlimited license,
Let’s have a drink before we go to bed!
I’m sorry we are closed the doors shut at eleven
That’s what the snooty landlord then said.

The helpline is here no matter when 
Give us a call and we can help you then.
Ring, ring, ring, ring, the phone rings on
A tape recording says, “Sorry everyone has gone.”

My car has broken down the man came to fix it
“It doesn’t work” he said sratching his head.
“There a computer on board and I will need to record
All the things that are broken down” he said.

But I need my car; I looked at him hard, 
And he gave me a wizened up frown.
He plugged himself in, then said with a grin.
The computer says it’s fine, the engine is strong.

But the car doesn’t work you toothless little jerk, 
The computer plugged in must be wrong.
“How can it be wrong it says the engine is strong?” he gave me a shifty look
“To be honest missus if it ain’t on the pute, perhaps the answers in a book."

He could find nothing wrong, the onboard computer gave a bong,
But it still said all was okay.
The tow-truck they called out with its ramp and its chains
Now they have taken my poor car away.

Modern life is so frustrating; we have everything at our fingertips
There is 24/7 that does not mean that, and fury does exit my lips.
If its 24/7 and help lines constantly, a car that is run by computer.
Why doesn’t anything work, I feel like the jerk, can somebody lend me a shooter.

I want to blast and to break all technology of late
It’s driving me to drink and distraction
The open all hours pubs are now closed, 
And my car is still out of action.

The bank is closed, the computers just died, 
The telephones gone on the blink
The TV HD, it is fuzzy like me;
I think I’m going to put my head in the sink.

The oven would be better, but its electric not gas
So I don’t think it would work as well
I want to end it all, not practice for the day,
The Grim-Reaper points at me, and sends me to hell.

Therefore, I’ll fill up the sink and put my head in the drink, 
Oh, blast, who is that at the door?
It’s the water board here, we are just making it clear,your water is off for a week.
Typical, I have no car and it is too far
To walk out and jump in the creek.


Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2011

Details | Verse | |

Hope

Don't rush to wash off the sea salt 
drying on your skin;
the hopes it carries from other oceans,
those remain yet to be seen.

Copyright © A.O. Taner | Year Posted 2016

Details | Sonnet | |

To You, Crocodile

The river dragon of crimson streams
Swiftly swimming to bring my end
As I’m standing alone at the silent shore
The beast from this murk suddenly ascends.
Gripping my face in her flawless jaws
The teeth latched efficiently into flesh
Pulling me quickly into the depths
Dragging me into the shallow grave.
Surrounded in filth, drowning in the banks
The apex predator’s grip never relenting
All I can do is break, bleed and decompose
Hoping for some relief in the pending death.
I find some comfort in this prolonged pain,
Because I haven’t felt a thing in ages.    

Copyright © Samuel Lee | Year Posted 2015

Details | Light Poetry | |

A Weighty Problem

The little thrill as the wave’s ripple in
Making the hairs stand up, on the surface of my skin.
The kiss of the sun with its warm breath so light
As it soothes my skin with warmth and delight.
The sand rolls around where my hands touch it soft.
The water rolls back and forth carrying pebbles aloft.
Setting shells down with rolling grains of sand 
Making minute rivers run from the fingers of my hand.
The blue of the sky so pale and so pretty
On the horizon I can see the outline of the city.
Birds bob on by walking in the sand,
Not caring that I’m there lying on their land.
Curiously watching me, little eyes darting here and there
Watching for what, I don’t know or care.
A tiny emerald green beetle scuttles on past 
Taking no notice of me, but from the birds, rushes on fast.
The sun is setting; it’s time to go back
The tide has come in but it needs to get back
The coastguard come out and asks so polite
Please can you move, the tide needs to leave tonight.
You have laid there so long, blocking the way
Can you please go back - so the water can flow away?
The ships need to sail and the trawlers come in
But you are blocking the way as you are not that thin.

Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2012

Details | Free verse | |

Fancy Hair

I turned on the water sprinkler under the Weeping Willow
A fine stream it did spray
The tree was lacking the nourishment that it gets from water
For it has not rained much in many days

As I was working in my kitchen and viewing the scene
Along came a male Red Cardinal
On a rose bush he did preen
Just close enough to the water to receive a fine spray

When he was water coated, he flew away
Up into the Weeping Willow and puffed his feathers out
Shook his tiny body as a dog after taking a bath
Then he sat in the Weeping Willow and rested for a spell

Before he had time to dry,  a Black Bird
Landed on a Weeping Willow limb
Just close enough to the spray to get his shower today
Very intelligent these  birds of the yard

Knowing how to refresh and clean their feathers 
Sometimes I wonder if they are not more intelligent
Than some of the humans that have big brains 
And fancy hair....

(I'll call it free verse for no other reason than I don't know where else it would fit.)

Copyright © Sara Kendrick | Year Posted 2010

Details | Haiku | |

BUNNY

    -Bunny Hole- by:SKAT

hidden muddy home
dirty paws, good boy' good boy!
yummy with carrots :)

----------------------------

  -Unwanted Fluffiness- by:PD

Big Brown Burlap Bag
drop Bunnies down By the Bay
Better off -Blue grave



~SKAT & PD~

Copyright © SKAT A | Year Posted 2013

Details | Light Poetry | |

Fresh Water Goldfish Whales

Hubby will NEVER let Dragon and me go to a pet store! Ever! Again!
It started when we needed Dog chow for all our really big dogs… then…
Dragon found the fish, with some being sold for only 15 cents apiece…
We were told; they’re sold for others to eat. Oh, No! Say it isn’t so! EEP!

Now, we believe, in save the whales, and every other gall darn thing.
And Dragon and I believe that the heart grows with everyone added in.
We were ready to cry, so we made a simple Momma and Dragon, foray.
We decided to save two more lives and then to bring them home. Yeah!

Don’t know how it happened, our plan got out of hand, but it was so grim!
We went back, many times, buying them all, filling our tank to the brim,  
We spread the word, to help the goldfish, and so others hearts could grow.
Hubby said they had to go, so we gave them to people every where, so… 

With 4 remaining, we decided to keep them at our house, safe and sound.
But low and behold, they kept growing quickly bigger, as they swam around!
Dragon wanted to take the goldfish for a walk, and to play with Santa Jack.
And the penguins kept coming around, looking for their midnight snack!

OK, maybe we didn’t think this thru, Yet, Tho, Still, Something wasn’t right!
They’re growing way to fast! From a 10 gallon tank to 150… In a week? 
OK! Dragon what did you do? You took your Elvin magic gift, given to you?
OK! Spit it out! What did you do! You sprinkled the four fish, a little, did you?

Oh! NO! So we put them into the lake! And before The Elfin King was found…
We had the first Fresh Water Goldfish Whales, ever were or are… to be found!
We started the first Midwest Whale herding society, and when the Elvin King…
Was found, He & Grandpa Troll, were joyously rolling, in tears, on the ground!

By this time, like Dragon, they needed tons of food to eat…so we decided  to…
Rent them out, to eat Asian Carp, who are, menacing, destructive & misguided!
Darned if it didn’t work! You know! Serendipity, low and behold! The answer!
The Agricultural Department was happily beside themselves… That is after…

They got over, that quirky and somewhat strange, Goldfish Whale, thingy part!
So, life goes on happily, especially for those Goldfish Whales munching on carp.
And yes, they’ve finally stopped growing, I am happy to say, and have big hearts.
And those menacing Asian Carp won’t be such a menace, from now on... Today!

As, ‘Alls well, that ends well’… and with great relief… I am wont to say...
And now Nobody's eating these babies, after Dragon had his way!

Copyright © Carol Eastman | Year Posted 2014

Details | Narrative | |

Granny And Your last glass of water

He starts singing songs of Ireland and we are home in a jiffy
"What's a jiffy," my mother wonders
"Guess  where we went Granny?"
"I don't know but I have a feeling you are gonna tell me," answers my grandmother
"And Don't call me Granny!"
"We went to church so Poppy could ask secret questions."
"The priest gave Poppy a shot and a beer and Poppy sent me next store and he gave me money for  taffy."
"He told me not to tell anyone especially you about the priest cause it's only for the priests ears."
"He said God would take away taffy and I'd never get another goodie and God would strike me dead if I told."
"So I can't tell anyone."
"He did," and she starts yelling and grabs a weapon,"what kind of idiot would be scaring a little child?"
Granny is standing on  Poppy's toes and and asking him questions of where he'd been and getting a sniff of his breath
"So what did you tell  the priest and him giving you consolation and a shot and beer."
"That little rat ," and thinks about the money for candy
Later, Granny is chasing Poppy with that big iron frying pan and poppy running and singing
"In Heaven they have no beer, that's why we drink it here."
"You damn fool I'm gonna bust you in the head, "and throws the pan at his head
And later
Cousin Francis has bill collectors come to the house looking for him
Granny was four foot seven  inches and she starts kicking him in the shin
My Mother grabs his Dick Tracy hat and she jumps on it and flattens it
I ask my mom where I was when this happened and she pauses
" You were in Heaven Patrick waiting with your brother!"
The truancy officers bang on the door and want to know where Uncle Charles is
Granny shrugs and says, "He is upstairs and the sound of the window going up sounds
They all run upstairs and see Uncle sliding down the tree and running as fast as his
seven year legs can move
He comes home later that evening holding a goose under his arm
And Poppy has a soft-boiled goose egg for breakfast every morning
I ask Uncle what happened to that goose and He said,"one day he came home  and
they had chicken for dinner."
And Poppy was gone to heaven to get me and my brother ready Mom says
And Granny sits my brother and me on her lap and says,"you two knuckleheads listen up."
"This is very important so don't forget it."
"Treat people the way you want to be treated, because you never know who is going to hand you your last glass of water"

Copyright © Patrick Cornwall | Year Posted 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

Forgotten Tide

The busy Moon forgot about the Tide.
She left it out all day upon the sand.
And when it found itself alone topside,
there mischief was immediately at hand.

It washed the muddy Rocks until they shone,
then dragged in trash to mess them up again,
it chilled the chubby babies to the bone
and tugged their pudgy feet to pull them in.

It rearranged the peaceful ocean floor
and wrapped the kelp into a tangled wreath,
then turned up all the driftwood on the shore
and tickled every creature underneath.

It tricked the Fishermen it came across
by pulling at the lines they'd cast about,
took cages that it saw the Trappers toss
and let the little Crabs and Lobsters out.

It fooled with every Fish that floated by,
it sprayed the Seagulls when they flew too near,
it pooled in spots it KNEW the Sun liked dry
and played with all the boats along the pier. 

It sueezed the baby Squid until they laughed
then painted funny pictures with their ink
and after it had taught them all this craft,
it swirled away like water down a sink.

It called to Clouds that hung around the sky
and asked to meet them halfway in between
then teased them until they began to cry
but just to make it rain, not to be mean...

The Tide adored its mischief and it would
have gleefully continued on its spree
but for the Moon, who for the greater good,
came up at last and let it out to sea!

Copyright © Lycia Harding | Year Posted 2015

Details | Limerick | |

I Prefer a Little Water with My Tea

Head straight to the coffee pot after I pee
What happened this morning? Good god mercy me
Empty Folgers can
Was I pissed? Yes ma’am
(Four extra-large bags make a fine cup ‘o tea)

Copyright © Tim Ryerson | Year Posted 2014

Details | Senryu | |

'Hot Water Bottle'

hot water bottle just a temporary cure until his return
29/05/2011... 22:00 *wishful thinking on my part* lol

Copyright © Wilma Neels | Year Posted 2011

Details | Limerick | |

Some Limericks...

She’s out there chasing a cricket

Through bush, through shrub & through thicket

Together they hop

Fugitive, cop

But when she gets it, she just wants to lick it!
 

A cat whose vet took his eye

Just cannot quite understand why

His eye’s been enucleated,

3-D vision reduciated,

So now, he keeps an eye out for an eye

 
Ya gotta keep limericks loose

Think green eggs, or perhaps Dr. Seuss

They’re structured, it’s true,

But they’re also a zoo

Whose tenants are all on the loose!


I frolic in fountains of words

Overflowing with serious absurds

Each poem I write

Wakes up and takes flight

Joining angels and faeries and birds

 
You ask that we write a good limerick

How to do so, I haven’t a glimmerick

So I struggle and frown

Teaching  poems to clown

So a smile on your lips will be shimmerick

 
A cat with a mouth full of mouse

Brought her feast right into my house

She played with her food

Who was not in the mood

To be a banquet of mouse in the house

 
The nightmares that shadow my sleep

Stampede the proverbial sheep

Right out of my mind

When I try to unwind

I find my appointment with sleep hard to keep

 
In her search for original truth

She met people unsavory and couth

She knitted and purled

But only unfurled

Yarns told by new age and old youth

 
Cat, suddenly pink,

Drinks her water from out of the sink

She looks so absurd

Since she’s been de-furred

I really don’t know what to think!

 
If one and one is two and two is four,

And there’s only two ways to go through  a door,

Then, is earth up or down?

And, where is down town?

These are questions we need to explore!

 
A was that is an is

Tried to mind my biz

But I sent it packing,

Its presence was lacking

And I don’t have time for such shiz!


A couple who lived in Los Lunas

Loved the wide desert sky’s crystal blueness

They’d stare at the air,

Over here, over there

And rejoice at the feeling of newness

 
A cat with a very fat gut

Found it easier to walk on his butt

He’d drag it around

Across carpet and ground

And use it to slam the doors shut

 
Said the Missus to her dear Mr. Otter,

“There’s something I think that you oughta

Do before we get old

To protect us from cold –

You oughta make the hot water hotter!”

 
The ghosts who live up in my attic

Make noises that sound much like static

I’ve tried to send them away,

But they’re here to stay,

Those staticky ghosts in my attic

Copyright © Rev. Rebecca Guile Hudson | Year Posted 2007

Details | Enclosed Rhyme | |

Hillary Clinton

(prior to tha ode dee us political stink sans hillary rodham clinton, i scrawled out this poem. her likelihood to grasp to political mantle than considerably greater than  fourteen months when another official will help keep america safe and sound from cares and concerns of an uncertain future).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill leave me 
   Hugh will cause a beloved howel 
From him – the divine necromancer with magic dowel 
If ambition stirs thee to make presidential bid for we Chelsea 
   Reverberating throughout terrestrial bowel
Analogous to former reigning supreme ringleader Muhammad Ali!

As an obedient student who crossed his t’s and affixed every “I” with a dot
Although high letter grades this older papa never got
(Undiagnosed anxiety inducing pressure cooker symptoms made me hot) 
I recognize brilliance, and thus would immediately cast my lot
From the current secretary of state whose political skills right on spot!

One year hence, this democrat will cast his vote
   Without doubt maintaining his party line
No matter campaigners with republican huzzahs will tote
   Unable to change opinion of mine
Praying that economic maelstrom she can brazenly smote
   If necessary seeking oracle of Delphi for a positive sign
Or devising my own catchy slogan to quote
Common as this generic human dust mote
Whose esprit de corps would to the stratosphere float
Like some over inflated helium filled ballooning goat
Kidding nobody that view from on high depicts sinking American boat!

Please take to heart 
   From this fellow (among ship of fools) 
Who decries special interest groups sway to sabotage and up-end donkey cart
   With extreme elephantiasis haunting white house with ghouls
With penchant to undermine sacred constitution with graffiti art!

This Joe schmoe of a lame duck nada so soup per poet 
   (who idolizes billy eve able applications of a cigar re: monica lewinsky) 
   would be in awe
And inwardly hee-haw
If this poem affected your name to be on ballot garnering cheers from this paw
And knows that in those random polls made of straw
The former forty second first lady gaga to engender revolutionary thaw!



Copyright © matthew harris | Year Posted 2015

Details | Narrative | |

How to Burn a Field

(Good Advice Spurned)

Grandmother packed a picnic lunch.
Brother, sister, and I, with two uncles
traipsed into the woods,
in search of adventure.

We found it.
We ate our picnic lunch, sitting 
on a fallen tree, spanning the creek.

We sampled “Rabbit Ice,” formed 
on weeds, hugging the stems
in smooth, thin white curls.
We drank creek water in cupped hands,
so cold, we shivered.

“Let’s build a fire,” my brother said.
Uncle Larry cautioned, “You’d better not. 
You’ll set the field on fire.”
We built the fire,
warmed our cold hands.

As the circle of fire began to spread,
we beat it with branches,
water carried from the creek in our hats. 
Undaunted, the fire ate up the dry grass,
spreading like a pond ripple
from a rock thrown in.

Uncle Larry refused to join
our efforts to ‘beat out’ the fire.
He stood, callously laughing
at our futile efforts.
The entire field burned.

We worried all afternoon.
What would Granddad say,
when he saw the black field
from the kitchen window?

Copyright © Cona Adams | Year Posted 2014

Details | Acrostic | |

Spaceship (acrostic with rhyme)

Spend your hard-earned cash on fuel for takeoff.
Pray that the government does not find out until gone.
Allow your free time for checking weather, not golf.
Case the local food store for dry goods you can con.
Evaluate your water supply needs, no water in cosmos.
Secure a safe place for waste, body waste floats to easy.
Have welding knowledge, so your stored rocket is close.
Internet may bring suspicion making government queasy.
Plan to go up straight in the air, horizontal rockets scare.

Copyright © cecil hickman | Year Posted 2009

Details | Free verse | |

AN EPIC POEM

(Sing along to tune "Jonah Man Jazz")

The city of Bongwater was a city of sin, 
An epic journey of the man who did the bins,
All that binning at 5am made a terrible din,
Monday mornings in Bongwater's city of sin,
Drive down, bin man,
Drive round the roads,
Sophisticated urban,
Tip those bins down low!

The epic of  the bin man in this city of sin,
Driving into parked cars made a terrible din,
"Told you not to park near the bins."
The callous bin man yelled in the city of sin.

This is the epic of the bin man in a city of sin,
Past the schools, he ran over some kids,
"Told you not to walk in front of the bins."
Our hero yelled at the rest of the kids,
Drive down, bin man,
Drive round the roads,
Sophisticated urban,
Tip those bins down low!

An epic journey of the bin man, in a city of sin,
One day, he hit the water mains with the bins,
Fountains erupted in this city of sin,
Bin man's demolished Bongwater, city of sin,
Drive down, bin man, 
Drive round the roads,
Sophisticated urban,
Tip the bins down low!
 
The epic journey of the bin man, in a city of sin,
Driving into light poles in this city of sin,
"Who  needs power?" he yelled above the din,
Driving around Bongwater's city of sin,
Drive down, bin man,
Drive round the roads,
Sophisticated urban,
Tip those bins down low!

This is the epic of the city that didn't pray,
One day, the bin man rolled their bins away,
That was the epic of our hero of the bins,
Driving round Bongwater, that city of sin,
All that binning made a terrible din!
Drive down, bin man,
Drive round the roads, 
Sophisticated urban,
Tip those bins down low!!!



Copyright © Julie Grenness | Year Posted 2016

Details | Limerick | |

The under water solution

When the money is mostly spent
Find the lowest terms for the rent
A car on a train
Protects well from the rain
But better yet let's get a tent

Copyright © Duke Beaufort | Year Posted 2011

Details | Epic | |

The Battle Of The Toilet Is Won

That’s it the battle is won, the toilet can fight no more
Three weeks ago the flush would overflow.
And kept leaving a puddle on the floor

I looked in the book, it said I needed a spare part 
I went to the merchant; “we have none, don’t lose heart?”
I can send you somewhere, and they do have a spare.

So I went armed with lots of new knowledge and credit card
The merchant looked at my list and gave me the part, 
I took it striaght home and started the job, it was hard
Then found the part was too short for a start.

I rang them and told what was wrong
Don’t worry come on back, 
We do have an extension pack
So I drove the ten miles still full of enthusiasm and song.

I need a spanner for this, mine does not fit
“Don’t worry we have just what you need
Some PVA tape, a washer or two
And then it won’t leak when you’ve peed.”

I turned off the water, I thought that I oughta
Everywhere went dry but the toilet.
So with some intervention, I put on the extension.
But still the floor kept getting wet.

After managing to fit a new isolator
My husband was pleased “how did you do that?”
I said it's a pipe and a nut, not an electricl generator.
It was easy, I said wearing my know- it-all hat.

I twisted and turned, and I taped every joint
I fitted the valve in the top of the cistern.
I turned the water back on and it worked a treat 
The arm moved up and down like a piston 

The water stopped when it should, and did not overflow
I was happy and yet my feet suddenly got wet
The nuts and pipes still had fight left in them
I sighed gave another turn, it was tight and difficult and yet

I stuck my head under, turned the spanner, one more turn
The book was ok, but it’s doing the job I did learn
One more turn is one turn too much.
It split the washer and pipe, I knew it was tight
When it screeched like a banshee or some such.

The water came out, but the isolator did the trick
Its a good job I had fitted it on
I gave it a turn and the water stopped in a tick
I t was then that I knew I had won
I was upset it was a bummer
But I went and got a plumber
Now I am queen of the toilet I have won.

Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2011

Details | Rhyme | |

Hillbilly Handfishin'

This old way of fishin's become a new hit
Though sometimes I really don't get it
And on a scale from one to eight
How high could it possibly rate

When you use your own appendages for bait
Swimming around in muddy water while ya wait
Now that's called fishin'
With nothin' but ambition

I've been fishin' more than a time or two
Ended up with river mud on my shoe
But always from the comfort of my waffled butt
Sittin' on the milk crate from the back of my truck

Now I've caught shad and used chicken guts
Always said (come on fish) just for luck
But I've never offered them my finger bone
If that's what it takes I'll leave em' alone

I like to watch them stretch my line
And wonder if I'll get to my pole in time
But I'll tip my hat to those who dare
Both the water and maybe their blood to share

Fishermen everywhere know it's true
No matter the method the thrill captures you
Just be careful who catches who

©Donna Jones


Copyright © Donna Jones | Year Posted 2013

Details | Rhyme | |

Flowing Creek Water

Since the rain graced our little creek,
Running whooshing liquid fills crevices
Of rocks, pebbles then babbles squeak.
Racing surging constantly balances

Cadences of rhythm causes gurlging.
The poetic quality calms relaxes.
Lapping kisses caress stones~no pounding.
Calming tranquil scene heart rhythm fixes.

Ameliorate health; opens wide heart
To nature_ and wonder of soothing
Sounds~creek's gushing words of art
Relaxing mind__accommodating 

Copyright © Sara Kendrick | Year Posted 2011

Details | Couplet | |

Spring Rain

~~Spring Rain~~ A drought has been declared, no hose pipes can we use There has been such light rain for two years, but I think it is a ruse. The day the drought was declared the heavens opened up They have not stopped precipitating; one certainly dare not look up. The water flows as free as lager at a barbecue Constantly pouring, persisting it down, and the same problems ensue. We are drenched in all sorts as drains do rise, and rivers flood their banks But the drought warnings still apply there are supposed empty water tanks. The spring rain is falling not like tears on babies’ cheeks But pouring and pouring constantly, and has been now for weeks. Still the drought does linger but I think I know the ruse They will put the bloody price up, and watch us blow a fuse.

Copyright © Mandy Tams The Golden Girl | Year Posted 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

PARADISE WHERE?

Us folks out here 'round Coalstoun Lakes we like to till the ground, 
but when it comes to water ... well .. the prospects are not sound. 
Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not, you live in hope each day, 
then hallelujah ... from nowhere ... a prophet came our way. 
 
"I've had a vision folks" Dean said, "brown water 'gainst a wall 
and in your district too at that, it's bound to help you all. 
A land of milk and honey folks is what you all will see 
and soon you'll live in paradise as happy as can be." 
 
For prophecies to come to light, you have to wait your turn, 
perhaps a year, or maybe two, that's something we would learn. 
Now folks 'round here are patient like and wouldn’t mind the wait, 
but Dean the paradise you saw was miles from here old mate. 
 

While heading off on tour in April, we had problems with tyres near Coalstoun Lakes, 
between Biggenden and Ban Ban Springs.  We called in at a property where we met Debbie 
Bird, who kindly let Chris stay with her while I went into Biggenden to replace the 
damaged tyres.  In December Debbie rang to say they were having a function where Dean 
Collins, who works for the Department of Natural Resources, would be present. He had 
worked in the Coalstoun Lakes area for some time apparently and had became well known 
to the locals as he pursued the idea of putting a dam in the area which would benefit 
folk on the land.  Sadly, a dam was to be built and would be named Paradise dam, but not 
anywhere near where it would help the Coalstoun Lakes folk.  Debbie asked me if I'd pen a 
few lines to use on the night, as a bit of a send up.     

Copyright © Merv Webster | Year Posted 2005

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Rock and the Lizard

Out in the middle of the boundless sea, As far away from land as ever it could be. An island stands alone with water all around, And the very whitest beaches that ever could be found. At the center rises a volcano that long ago is dead, And on its rim there sits a boulder as a crown for its head. The boulder was heaved up from the center of the earth, Then it landed hot and bothered on the day of its birth. But now it has cooled itself and long since settled in, Balanced on the edge of the mighty volcano’s rim. This spot pleases him and he likes the moss that grows, For he is the pinnacle of the whole world that he knows. The rock is the sole authority over all the land, Over the entire island and the grains of pure white sand. But in the ground beneath his base a lizard is at work, Digging out a place to live where danger will not lurk. A den where his family can live a happy life, Until he gets a look from his little lizard wife. “This hole that’s beneath a rock reminds me of a tomb, I think the kids are going to need a lizard rumpus room.” So they sat at the kitchen table deciding what was best, To add on to their little home by digging east or west. If they were only made aware that they shouldn’t even try, Not knowing that if they dug at all that they might surely die. Because if they dig to the east the boulder will fall into the pit, Left over from the place where once volcanic lava spit. And if they dig to the west it will also take a toll, As the ground beneath the rock will fail and it will start to roll. Down the side of the mountain until beneath the waves it dives, Its majestic face from the island the ocean water then deprives. Either way it seems that the boulder’s reign was through, Its fate was dependant on what the lizard chose to do. On a tiny island a mighty boulder dreamt he ruled, Not knowing what was at stake as a lizard couple dueled. An unknown outside force would decide for him his life, His fate was left to the wagging tongue of a nagging lizard wife. The stone that now protects them they would cause to fall, And when it does it would roll and squish and kill them all. The lizard’s wife’s rebuking taunts drove him to the brink, And he decided to go and find himself a better place to think. So he climbed out of his hole to sun himself on the boulder, And the rock called him lazy just to get him off his shoulder.

Copyright © Tony Lane | Year Posted 2011

Details | Rhyme | |

OLD BOOZED WILLY

Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose; 
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!


All the boys of Tumbleweed scampered like chased mice
as they saw his bulgy belly hanging from his trousers... 
ah, his bad breath had the stench of a piggy; 
they yelled angrily, " Go to another town, fatty! "


What was on his hot, red tongue?
The smell of Johnny Walker's whiskey?
They always saw him leaping like a frog...
when he finally got up, he looked so scary!   


Who crossed Willy...driving him to drink that poison?
He cussed everyone getting a bit closer to his whiskey,
never did he mess with a chubby, bickering mommy,
who came running,...brandishing a long, black baton! 


One noon there was a large rally by his door
to evict him from his bungalow...what was the reaction of Willy?
He brought out a case of expensive whiskey,
and offered them lots of drinks...they drank and felt mellow! 


So they kept on drinking the hard liquor...
until it hurt their full, burping beer-bellies,
but one of them quite sober hollered with a stuttering voice,
" Get Willy, he stole all the whiskey from the Happy Hour Bar!


Old boozed Willy was hostile and not ready to lose;
a dirty face, a glowing nose...
only a firefighter's water hose
could have put out the heat he had gotten from the booze!


My comment:

It wasn't fair to chase after Old Willy after 
they drank his whiskey, even 'though they found out
it was stolen. They weren't a bit thankful or compassionate,
but drinking it without asking him how he got it,
made them his partners in crime!

Copyright © Andrew Crisci | Year Posted 2011

Details | Quatrain | |

Outside My Window for contest

A million shimmering lights twinkling in the moonlight 
paint their glittering shadows across the blue lagoon, 
as upturned dancing candles’ hot flickering fingers
curl to beckon me beneath the whispering waters.

Two swans; lost in their embrace, interlaced with shadows;
serenity in motion, but not a ripple made.
Patrolling borders as one, parading their passion   
as if no-one is watching, together forever.

But the vista disappears as harsh tones fill my ears
and my new panorama now slides away from sight;
the truck which bore my tableau pulls away to reveal
in it’s glory, the old view; my neighbour's dull back yard. 

Bill Lindsay 

September 12th 2015

Copyright © Bill Lindsay | Year Posted 2015

Details | Rhyme | |

That is the name of my bottled water

Ok, I do not know if I should be telling you this,
It is somewhat embarrassing and you will probably laugh and hiss.

I went on holiday to the land of the free
Actually, it was America to the beaches of Miami 
Dam was it hot, I clearly remember the day
Yes, you guessed it; it was in the month of May.

I walked into a shop and asked for a bottle of sparkling water,
The man looked at me funny and questioningly at me daughter.
“Oh I forgot, you don’t speak English here,” I said
So I twanged me words and it registered in his head

I was hot, tired and burned to a crisp,
The man behind the counter had a bad stutter and a lisp
After five minutes hhhhhh he said, “Here’s a bottle of That is the name of my bottled 
water.”
I looked at man funny and questioningly at me daughter,
She giggled and said, “That’s the name of the drink.”
Then said, “I think?”

I was dying to use the loo
You know a number two
So I twanged to the man and he said “Ooo,” Then I said “Over there? Thank you”
I rushed in the loo, put the bottle on the floor near the toilet pan
Pulled down me shorts and sat down with a squeak clash and bang
I slipped off the seat and had a bottle half way wedged up me ass man.

Now let me tell you about that part of the body 
I was violated; it was an act of sodomy
The bottle was ribbed and too painful to pull out
So I pulled up me shorts and walked as if I had gout

Me daughter screamed “Dad?” “I didn’t know you were that way inclined.” 
Through gritted teeth I said “Shut it just cover me behind.”
She screamed again and said “I thought you bought it because you were thirsty?”
Like the Exocist my head spun round and I said “Not now, don’t start with me  
Kirsty.”

It was a long walk back to the hotel
I had to stop many a time and rested for a spell
The heat of the sun expanded the bottle
Which caused me to mimic a ducks waddle

Walking along in agonizing pain 
I heard some Porto Rican babes say “He walk like Juan Wayne” 
Almost at the hotel, it took me the best part of the day
Then it happen, crossing the road, a car almost hit me and I had to jump out of the 
way”

Now the reason I fainted, and like a sack of potatoes I dropped
Was the shaking of the bottle and the cap that popped
I… woke in hospital laying on me tummy
With photographers taking pics thinking this was funny.
next to me was my dear loving daughter
In her hand, That is the name of my bottled water…

**To all Americans you do speak English :-) it's Lisa's fault**Copyright © 2011

**Debbie Guzzi Unmentionables contest**

Copyright © Sidney Hall Mad Poet | Year Posted 2011

Details | Free verse | |

Shaking The Lily Pad

I have a big, old froggie that lives in my ornate lily pond, so refined.
And every time I have a guest, he Farts and spurts water from his behind.
My son has named him bubbles and tells everyone, how he is so fine...
Now, you must know he’s only five with potty humor on his mind…

It started as I included my son, while finding a fountain for my pond.
But he came home and told his dad, who now also had to come along. 
While I kept looking for a fountain, you know… with exquisite flair.
My son kept asking me for a special one, that farts water out his tail.

Now, as I watched my two beloved gentlemen, I knew something was afoot.
I found retreat a better thing, as I high tailed it away, with a serious hotfoot.
Sure enough, my birthday present turned out to be that froggie for my pond.
And I certainly couldn’t hurt my son’s feelings by saying no, to respond.

My hubby laughed as he pointed out a place, they had agreed it should go.
Yes, you guessed, it’s the first thing you see, that your eyes can bestow.
Perhaps my plight is really not so bad… or at least, my hubby now tells me so.
Even though the guests’ eyes grow big, and their walk becomes really slow.

As I see their looks, a better conversation piece could never have ever been.
As I gently explain my son’s love for me, is touching, don’t you think? Again.
Of course the little froggie keeps farting and wildly smiling, throughout it all.
But the smiles are never near as big, as my guests’ smiles… that suddenly grow…

As they become enchanted with the understanding of it all.

Copyright © Carol Eastman | Year Posted 2012

Details | Couplet | |

Fire Ants!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  All over my yard!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Why do you try so hard?

There are little hills of demons all over my land
Filled with the little critters that I just can’t stand!
The sting and they bite and leave scars on me.
The have even killed my very favorite tree!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  Are making me so mad!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Where’s that can of diesel I had?

I will be diggin’ in a flower bed when suddenly
Those darn fire ants are swarming all over me!
I run to turn on the water and grab the water hose
So I can wash away the fire burning under my clothes!
 
Fire ants! Fire ants! Taking over Texas!
Fire ants! Fire ants!  Meaner than my exes!

One of these days, I will manage to eradicatecate
Just as soon as someone improved fire ant bait
My land will then have a fire ant sign
Saying stay off of my property, it is mine!

Fire ants! Fire ants!  Making evil mounds!
Fire ants! Fire ants!   If you got ‘em, trouble abounds! 

Copyright © Anita Lovelace | Year Posted 2005

Details | Haiku | |

Slippery Floor Oo

Drip… Drip… Drip… Don’t let the water drip on the floor or you will Slip… Slip… Slip… Drip… Strip… Drip… Don’t let the water run or someone will Trip… Trip… Trip…

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2011