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Funny Religion Poems | Funny Poems About Religion

These Funny Religion poems are examples of Funny poems about Religion. These are the best examples of Funny Religion poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Haiku | |

Facedown

.






                                                facedown on the floor
                                                the broken porcelain's moon —
                                                for Shinto's sake






Sponsor: Joe Maverick
Contest Name: Haiku challenge.


Details | Limerick | |

The Hereafter

He asked his flock if they believed in the Hereafter

     Amen, pastor, they said amid much joy and laughter!

          Hereafter, when the plate is passed

               I expect it to be filled up fast

                    For some reason chapel attendance plunged thereafter

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Sign Of The End Of Time

I saw a feller today with a sign readin', 'WORLD ENDS TOMORROW!"
Lord! Have mercy! That's all I need - more troubles to borrow!
I called the preacher who knows all about celestial things,
But he had no such revelation (usually borne by angelic wings)!

But I'm a cautious feller who likes to plan things well in advance,
So ere my eternal bourne begins, I'd rather not take a chance!
With so few hours left I'll tie up some loose odds and ends,
And for my many past indiscretions, I'll try to make amends!

In my youth I smoked corn silk cigarettes behind the barn.
Many vile oaths have crossed my tongue beyond a casual 'darn'!
I sassed my Ma and more than once her sage advice ignored.
Do You reckon You could overlook my feckless youth, dear Lord?

I reckon 'tis a little late to see things finished that I've begun.
Life is so very fleet I fear I've left too many things undone.
But thanks to that feller's warnin' I'm ready to face my fate.
But, Lord, could the whole thing be postponed if it ain't too late?

This ominous event will settle my dilemma regarding predestination
But hold on!  From whence did that feller get his revelation?
Shucks!  I bet he's one of them false prophets the Bible talks about!
Fiddle faddle!  Tomorrow I'm gonna go fishin' to cast about for trout!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

I AM A SYCOPHANT

I AM A SYCOPHANT
I love eye-service
A great deal of sycophancy
I am big on people-pleasing
I do eye-service 
To Him whose eyes are ever on me

I love to make Him feel good about me
So I flatter Him with praises 
I honor Him with dances
I sing of His past deeds as if they happen yesterday
I thank Him for what He has not done as if it is already done

I never miss opportunity to impress HIM
I am always all over Him standing, kneeling 
Atimes, I roll all over Him on the ground
Many times I jump up on him like squirrel 
I often weep because of Him for no sad reasons

I never miss opportunity to boast about Him
In my sycophantic eyes, He is above reproach
I can never complain about Him
Because I am his biggest fan; He can do no wrong 
All His ways and words are eternally right in my sycophantic eyes

Because I am His pleaser
I dote over all His published works and theses
I am a collector of everything ever written or said about Him 
I make Him the theme of my songs and poems
His friends are my friends and His enemies, my enemies

I never miss opportunity to show Him off
I drop His name to flaunt my connection with Him
I place Him higher than my loved ones
His ways, I walk, His words, I utter, His kind of life I live
In my sycophantic way, I write Him this poem

He is my God…in whom I live and have my being


Details | Rhyme | |

Sister, Sister

Mother Superior faced a daunting task,
Like no other in her forty years.
She had prayed it simply wasn’t so,
That Godly intervention might belie her fears.

But sadly, there was no such intervention,
No relief from the duty she did rue.
Despite her hopes and all her prayers,
It had been confirmed.  What she feared was true.

So, she gathered all the Sisters after Vespers.
The impromptu meeting caused quite a stir.
There was murmuring as they filed into the chapel.
She hesitated for a moment... but no, she was sure.

“Sisters, I asked you all here to share some news.
It’s something I never thought I’d have to say.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
Mary Catherine, a Sister for sixty years, said, 
“Oh, thank God.  I’m so tired of Chardonnay.” 


Details | Haiku | |

Haikus About God: V

Omniscient guy
Yet he lets bad things happen
How can he exist?


Details | Free verse | |

The Egg Eaters Hallow

HE WEARS A COAT OF ASH
ALWAYS TALKING 
TALKING FAST 
LIKE A SNAKE THROUGH THE GRASS
HE SLITHERS AND CRAWLS 
HE SLITEHRS AND CRAWLS
BUROWS THROUGH THE WALLS
WHATS YOUR NAME  
LETS PLAY A GAME 
I’M INSIDE I’M INSIDE
TRY TO HIDE
I WILL SEEK 
GO AND CRY 
GO AND SHRIEK 
I’M INSIDE 
TRY TO HIDE 
NO SECRETS YOU CAN KEEP 
WHERE DO I FIND THE ONE THAT SLEEPS
HE WANDERS THROUGH THE SHELL 
TO FIND IT AND TAKE IT 
TO SOME FAR OFF HELL 
HIS TONGUE IS QUICK 
HIS MIND FULL OF WIT
HIS CLAWS ARE MEAN 
HIS CLAWS ARE MEAN 
AND HIS MIND IS KEEN 
SEARCHING FOR WEAKNESS 
SEARHING FOR SECRETS 
HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE 
HOW MANY OF YOU COMPARE 
WHATS YOUR NAME 
IT’S A SHAME 
IT’S A SHAME 
I WILL BREAK YOU 
I WILL TAKE YOU 
FINDING FLAWS
OLD WOUNDS RAW 
DIGGING DEEP 
DIGGING DEEP 
HE FINDS IT IN THE KEEP  
HELLO LITTLE ONE 
HAVING FUN 
I HAVE NO NAME 
I PLAY NO GAMES 
ALL I HAVE ARE FANGS
AND YOU ARE HERE 
TO HATCH DISPARE 
I’V COME TO MAKE YOU DISAPEAR 
SEE YOUR WALLS 
SEE YOUR WALLS 
THEY’RE CLOSING IN 
THEY’RE CLOSING IN  
WE WILL BE COMPRESSED 
FORMING MESH 
MERGING INTO ONE 
LIKE ALL THE OTHERS 
YOU ARE DONE 
NEVER SPAWNED 
TO FIGHT THE DAWN 
I VE COME TO MERGE WITH  YOUR SOUL 
TAKE CONTROL 
YOU WILL BE 
JUST ANOTHER TWISTED PART OF ME 
ALL YOUR NEGATIVITY 
WILL SUBMERESE
WILL DISPERSE
JUST ANOTHER TWISTED PART OF ME
ALL YOU EGGS 
KEEP ME FED
KEEP ME GROWING 
SECRETS SHOWING 
KILLING DEMONS 
BEFORE THEY’RE BRED 
KILLING DEMONS 
TO KEEP ME FED 
A FORMLESS SOUL 
MADE OF MESH 
A FORMLESS SOUL 
MADE OF UNBORN FLESH 
WINING THE WAR 
ONE EGG AT A TIME 
ONE EGG AT A TIME 


Details | Limerick | |

The gun and god combo

"The peacemaker" is Glock's new gun
Its spent rounds are rapture and fun
Yes killing's a thrill
Since I'm mentally ill 
And need to own more than just one

A gun for me is like prozac
The bullets clipped pills in a stack
I'm not paranoid
But have weapons deployed
In case I should have an attack


Details | I do not know? | |

Why Are Church Doors Locked

WHY ARE CHURCH DOORS LOCKED?

I have been a member for many years. I attend when ever I can.  I pray and pay.
I guess, I took it for granted, but not anymore. I must stand up for all that want to know.  For all that need to know. No! I am not a  hero, but I would like to know. 

There was a time in my youth, when it was un-thinkable to lock a church door. Did congress pass a law, while I was sleeping?  Should I call the sheriff?  Why didn’t the pastor tell me?  Does he know? Did he lock the front door, side door, and even the back door? Does God know, the doors at the church are locked?  Saints, we are in big trouble.

Okay! Let’s get serious. Are you trying to keep something locked out? Are you trying to keep something locked in? This could be a sin. There are two individuals in the congregation that I can ask.  They certainly must know answer. After all, their name is Brother Lock and Brother Smith. Yes! The Lock Smith Brothers. 

Now if the Devil is locked up, when I leave church, I’m okay with that. You say, I should not worry about this.  Well! It is now at the top my list. I want to know more. It’s time to stop church crime.  

Dr. "G"


Details | Clerihew | |

David And Goliath

Titan Goliath challenged young David to a floggin'

     But David with his slingshot beaned him on the noggin!

          Dave viewed the carcass and was heard to say, "Nothin' to it!"

                His envious brethren said, "Yeah!  'Twas just a lucky hit!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Sonnet | |

Kiss This

<                              master of disguise menacing havoc
                                I fear not your pronged fork and wooden stick
                                but one illuminates from presents sight
                                tis I carries master key whom ends plight


                               brushstroke if must with your evilness twist
                               for I stand strong from an Hevenly bliss 
                               poke and probe away with your woven schemes
                               tis I'll be the one laughing though it seems 


                               your inferno fire from gates of hell
                               diminished by just one shake from this bell
                               so bring on your barriers and good grief's
                               tonight I'll be the one with good night's sleep 


                               sowing not fear of satin's smitten grasp
                               but turning check telling to kiss thy ass




Entry For
Thvia Shetley's
The Devil Made Me Do It
Sonnets Only Contest
G.L. All


Details | Limerick | |

What Choice??

You insist that I only choose one
Finite human or god in the sun
Man has long pondered this
But as to my wish
I'll face death and have ALL the fun!!


Details | Limerick | |

Rapture of May 21st, 2011

"It is the end of the world", they cry
"Those not saved will surely die!"
   Never mind the fun fact
   Previous dates inexact
Get the marshmallows out for the fry!


Details | Rhyme | |

Lions will be lions


Humiliation occurs
When pigs and monkeys roars
How a pig became a lion?
How , How a monkey roars?
That's when you stop saying NO
Humiliation occurs
When the lions are here
When the lions onshore
Pigs will be pigs
A monkey will stand for
A monkey , no less , no more



Details | Burlesque | |

Me and The tree

I look at this tree-
which quite frankly reminds me of me.
Strong, firm, flows so beautifully.

My moods are like the leaves-
forever changing so colorfully. 
At times my hearts feels  like, after the coldest winter for a tree .
and it takes timefor me to rebuild my beauty.
It can flow as gently as the leaves...
during a strong summer's breeze.

With the nuturing care of God's hands and his air,
I survive with all the obstacles God gives...
I'm strong and firm, my skins like bark it relives.
But... their is one thing that is different;
between me and tree.
and that's the tree is guaranteed to out live me.  


Details | Footle | |

Holy Humor

Jehovah's Witness' Door Pamphlets

Pious
Fly-ahs

Catholic Church During Halloween

Scary
Mary

Scrabble Night With Missionaries

Wordy
Clergy

Preacher Owning at Dungeons & Dragons

Master
Pastor

Our Holiness the Dalai Getting a Text From His Ex

Lama
Drama

Sea Anemone Makes Amends

Moral
Coral


Details | Sonnet | |

Kamikaze Khristmas

I was shaken, my jingle bells taken, ornaments on a runaway corporate sleigh
It had nitrous oxide, investors selling so high, stuffing stockings with my pay
There were elves with cleavage, garters and high heels, twirling on candy canes
And then there was Santa, 10,000 I fathom, having a Bud and watching the game

Oh what have I done, my mistletoe belt buckle undone, clutching a coupon in pain
From my confusion arose, a few sticky ho ho’s, caroling Christmas has come again
Frozen my chatter, this rooftop never fatter, held hostage by a holiday of cheer
Building superstores for a thrill, reindeer on the grill, our 24 hour savior is here

I threw open the door, red tagged a commercial whore, a price check I was needing
Not to my surprise, this place had supersize fries, and just a hint of insider breeding
Cross-eyed speaking, restroom reeking, why the see-through thong with the GPS
Kamikaze carts diving, my crippled heels crying, damn you people for having sex

Bruised and battered, a world raptured, by a fat man with a bulging sack
Barbies with inflatable boobies, Hentai movies, Christ please hurry back


Details | Haiku | |

Big BANG

Creator creates then—BIG bang! creators destroy


Details | Rhyme | |

Hard To Be An Eagle

THE BIRDS ARE QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE IT TELLS YOU MANY THINGS
OF HOW THE WEATHERS COMING AND WHAT THE SEASON BRINGS
BUT THE BIRD I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IS HIGH ABOVE THE REST
AND  IT'S HARD TO BE AN EAGLE WHEN YOUR IN A TURKEY'S NEST

AN EAGLE IS A MAGNIFICENT BIRD WITH A VERY LARGE WINGSPAN
AND WITH HIS SHARPENED EYESIGHT HE SEE'S MILES ACROSS THE LAND
HE REPRESENTS OUR FREEDOM AS HE SOARS ABOVE THE REST
AND IT'S HARD TO BE AN EAGLE WHEN YOUR IN A TURKEY'S NEST

THE TURKEY IS A DUMB BIRD THAT WILL FOLLOW YOU AROUND
THEN RUN AWAY SO QUICKLY AT EVERY NOISEY SOUND
THEY PECK AWAY AT BRIGHT THINGS AND AT EACH OTHER TOO
THEY NEVER KNOW WHICH WAY TO GO OR WHAT THEY WANT TO DO

THEY ARE HAPPY WITH JUST BEING HUDDLED WITH THE REST
IT SO HARD TO BE AN EAGLE WHEN YOUR IN A TURKEY'S NEST
BUT I KNOW THAT GOD HAS CALLED ME AND HE'S PUT ME TO THE TEST
AND IT'S HARD TO BE A TURKEY WHEN YOUR IN AN EAGLES NEST.


Details | Rhyme | |

And Goliath Said

Contractual agreements with publisher caused DELETION


Details | Couplet | |

MEN OF GOD

         MEN OF GOD

Kenya is a Godly nation
Check on any TV station
Starts at dawn and goes all day
Teaching people how to pray

Then at night it's shilling serious
With the watchers drunk –delirious-
If you want the chance to pray
First you get the chance to pay

“Men of God,” my colleague swilled--
“Deserve a special God-rate bill.
When I do a job for them
Charge them twenty not just ten.”


 Victoria Anderson-Throop ©
12/01/12  Juja, Kenya  Africa





Details | Clerihew | |

Moses

Moses led the Israelites up out of Egypt through the desert to the Promised Land.

   He hesitated but God roared, "Mo, you the man!" placing a magic staff in his hand!

So Moses with resolute stride led the rowdy bunch to the land of milk and honey,

   Muttering to himself, "Danged if I'll ever do this again for any amount of money!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

The Testimony

Yes, friends songs have been sung about salvation, poems wrote, declarations of

freedom declared, but it is my testimony I now wish to share.

Entangled in Satan’s snare I had no doubt why I ended up there!

Only half listening, laying my best laid plans for Jesus I’d take my stand,

on my terms of course ,he would understand!

I was on the right path of that I had no doubt

Satan could not touch me I was too smart to take sins route.

What I didn’t count on was now obvious to see…

He had me dead in his sights my soul no longer free!

That’s what happens when you decide to live your own way!

Yes, too late I realized he had me and he was insisting I stay!

Sin truly cost me more than I could ever pay!

To my knees I fell and begin to pray.

Jesus heard my cry and there He was right by my side.

He picked me up and dusted the sin from my soul, and said

“Child this is not the way to go!”

Back on the straight and narrow I will walk with 

great care.………but what is that over there?

See it is easy to go astray so be diligent , watch 

and pray for what’s over there may be your undoing someday!





Details | Quatrain | |

Collaborating In the Clouds

New Year Resolutions are fine, But they’re just not enough So I say a prayer to the Big Boss When what I want is tough For the year of two thousand and twelve I said a short prayer In hopes of getting the help I need from the boss way up there “Dear God, I wouldn’t ask for this, If it was just a whim. Please give me a fat bank account And a body that’s slim” “Last year I prayed for the same thing But it was all in vain This year be careful, Dear God, and don’t Get them mixed up again! “Well my son you don’t understand I heard both of your prayers And what you asked for, was not ignored It’s just not in my plan”
Submitted by: Charles Sides


Details | Rhyme | |

Satans Gone Fishin

Satan's gone fishin', but few has he caught;
None in the basket that's newly Blood bought.
He's brought a fine reel, attached to a pole,
And tested the line, he's ready for soul!

The hook has been baited, the line free and clear,
He looks at the water and back at his gear.
Many 'lures' of temptation and lust in their place,
'I know I'll catch somethin'!', puts a smile on his face.

He settles back to watch and to wait,
But there's not a nibble, nothin's taking the bait.
He reels in the line, and checks it all out,
And casts it once more and then with a shout.

Feels a tug on the line and then it drops deep,
'This one's a fighter, this one I'll keep!'
Although it's a struggle, the line then goes slack,
The battle is over, the soul is reeled back!

Satan stops suddenly, with a look of surprise,
As he dips in his net to lift out his prize.
For there, snagged tightly, at the end of his line,
Two words in bright gold, it's a NO FISHING sign!


Details | Clerihew | |

Joseph's Multi-colored Coat

Joseph's pop gave him a multi-colored coat that put his brothers in a snit!

   They became so outraged that the eldest bro suggested tossing him in a pit!

      Praise the Lord!  He was rescued, ended up in Egypt and had the last laugh!

         Joe found favor in Pharaoh's eyes and was promoted to be his Chief of Staff!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Limerick | |

The Hereafter

Asked if they believed in the Hereafter

     Amens echoed from every rafter

          The preacher rejoiced

               Then this plea he voiced

                    "Fill up the collection plate hereafter!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Rhyme | |

Holy Moses

'Twas high noon on Mount Horeb as Moses munched his gefilte lox.
He was lolling about taking a restful break from tending Jethro's flocks,
When he was startled out of his wits as a nearby bush burst in flames!
Now alert, he exclaimed, "What th...!  Someone here is playing games!"

He was bewildered to note that the shrub wasn't being consumed by fire!
When he heard a voice calling, "Hey, you there!" he really began to perspire!
It turned out that I AM was calling him from the midst of that conflagration!
"You're on holy ground!  Remove your Guccis!   I'll brook no desecration!"

Moses meekly inquired, "Is it I, Lord, that you wish to confer with?"
"Yea!  I've a proposition to discuss and you'll heed My words forthwith!
You, my boy, are hereby volunteered to lead My people to the Promised Land!
I've seen their misery and I need you to free them from the Pharaoh's hand!"

"But Lord, you know that I murdered a feller there and am a wanted man!
Besides, I ain't good at public speaking.  Please find someone else if You can!"
"Fiddle Faddle! This magical staff will sort out your problems along the way!
I'll hear no more sass!   Now hop on your ass!  I'll brook no further delay!"

"A cloud by day and fire by night will guide you and I'll provide manna, sonny!
I'm confident that you can lead this motley host to the land of milk and honey!"
Their many trials and tribulations nearly drove beleaguered Moses to tears,
As the malcontented Israelites wandered about in the desert for forty years!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved


Details | Free verse | |

The Eternal Infernos of Pain

Front and Center!
Those Gates adorned with pearls in Heaven.
White angels soaring. 

If by chance, 
Ordered to enter;
Through St. Peter's Permission; 
I demand from you chancellor; 
A swift insanity plea, submission. 
For this troubled soul is plagued, 
By vast displays of wicked ways. 

None lost. 
Courtesy of meticulous examination. 
Love lost. 

Diligence pending Investigation. 
Key Evidence, perpetually documented 
In Sin's ominous catalog. 
Rebuke my Judge! 
For multitudes of shortcomings, 
He failed to ascertain. 

Moreover, present was He, 
When Satan drafted me. 
First round,
Pick three.
His Fantasy League...
"The Eternal Infernos of Pain" 

JS Lambert



Details | Light Poetry | |

My Big Brother Is Watching You Too

"My Big Brother" up and down the street
  He could be anyone you meet
  Spying on you from the street
  Looking in from every beat
"My Big Brother" isn't that sweet

"My Big Brother" and I don't know why
  Casting in from above the sky
"My Big Brother" the commie spy
  Listening in do or die
  Bringing his book in
  Taught within
My Big Brother, 1-800-LET-US IN
  Caught with paper and a pen 
All because, "My Big Brother" let himself in